Ulterior Harmony

Finding the Right Mentor to Fulfill Transformation

2014-09-18T08:23:00.001-08:00

This blog has never been quite right. I've always been aware of it and the first to confess it. From the get-go, my intentions, although beautiful and good, were vague. Instead of focusing on one central "nobody youer than you" theme, I tried to give equal billing to the whole committee of interests that take up my attention. And then there were all the technical issues, magnified by my sense of helplessness around them. Some "blogger" blogs had automatic comment-response notification and others (mine included) didn't, for reasons beyond my understanding or ability to fix. For a while, I manually emailed comment responses to every commenter, but that wasn't sustainable. Even after commenting mostly migrated to Facebook or Google+, it remained a frustration.
I listened to all the advice about the superiority of self-hosted wordpress blogs, I got one, and so acquired all the technological challenges times two--the comment situation, if anything, was worse, and again I couldn't understand why mine sucked and others worked fine--and now there was the additional headache of a two-horse team and no clue how to pass the baton from one to the other. So, for the past year and a half, I've duplicated my blog posts between the two platforms while hoping to find someone to help me migrate and consolidate. Hoping, but probably not looking hard enough. In Homer, the person I wanted to teach me was unavailable, and although I'd blatantly failed to figure any of it out on my own and needed help, my imagination and resources didn't stretch beyond that one individual to look for someone else.
As in the ether, so on earth: no doubt this dissaray and unclarity around my online presence well reflected a lack of real-life directedness also. I apologize to all my readers for eighteen months of unfulfilled promises that I would be making changes "soon."

When I moved to Tucson, I started attending the Tucson Bloggers Meetup group. I immediately noticed the bike in the corner beside the group host, and my interest was piqued--clearly a sustainability-oriented person. I was further drawn to his use of Google docs for his presentation: the fact that he modeled its use, and then at a suitable moment explained clearly and succinctly why Google docs is so useful and important as a tool for creating and sharing content. This presenter was also giving much of what I considered the best advice about blogging, including many things (like choosing a niche, like having a name that isn't an obscure mouthful (like "ulteriorharmony")) that I knew were necessary but had failed to implement, and/but he also had multiple examples of how he had created these things himself and helped others to do so, and he clearly had an insider's knowledge and understanding of how the web works. It also emerged that he has a musical background, as do I, and that not only is he a plant-based enthusiast, he actually heads up that Meetup group as well! Finally, there was a petition circulating the group asking for labeling of GMO foods, something (you won't be surprised to hear) that I consider a no-brainer. He wasn't the petition's circulator, which proved that he also attracted to a general bloggers' group the type of person with that type of conscience and sensibility.
If you were me, wouldn't you be thinking you'd found just the person you wanted to learn from?
Me too.
But--how busy do you suppose such a person might be?
Yep, pretty busy!
But--I was ready to invest, seriously, in getting things right. Earlier this year I invested disastrously in a business coaching program with a bunch of people I never saw, starting me from scratch at things I didn't necessarily care to do. If I learned anything from the loss of finance and time, it was to invest in something I knew I wanted, with the right person. I tracked down PABlo and articulated this to him, and he agreed not only to build my "real thing" website for me but also to teach me some of the principles and practices so that eventually I'll be able to manage my own blog and website properly, perhaps even help others to do so. He's teaching me how to situate the blog in the context of a website. How to categorize and tag correctly. How to set up a post.
He also taught me that duplicating my blog for the past eighteen months is a cardinal sin in the eyes of Google search: original content is the main desideratum (what a novel concept!) and I was automatically rendering my content unoriginal, aka shooting myself in the foot. So, this blog with its tricky name is effectively invisible, and you are reading a rare and translucent object.
This time, dear reader, I can make a promise of change-a-coming with confidence. The new, more sensible domain name is registered. I'm learning a new blogging platform and have several drafts queued. I have a highly proficient mentor and teacher, whose work and philosophy I admire, from whom I'm learning how to set up a blog effectively for excellence, and how not to cut some corners as I was inadvertently doing--how to give the reader the best possible experience.
I have so much to share with you, but I'm saving some for the new blog. I'm so eager to get that blog live, and therefore much of my attention's going in that direction, so please bear with me, and watch this space!

21-Day Sugar Detox Day 21: The Number One Gift, and What I'm "Going Back To."

2014-09-09T10:24:00.002-08:00

It's day 21 of the 21-Day Sugar Detox. Technically, I could "break" it tonight, since I started it, Jewish-style, the evening before day 1. But I'm in no hurry to break it! In fact, I'm loath to disturb the goodness.
Cravings?
Which is interesting, considering that going into it (I wrote about the "wh y" here) I was worried enough about cravings and habitual non-caloric "crutches" like chewable vitamin C and xylitol mints that I made an "insteads" chart to put up in the kitchen...

...as well as a long list of my "big whys" for doing the detox prominent on my bulletin board in the bedroom that I see while I'm rebounding in the morning.
I thought I'd miss those things. I thought I'd miss stevia/xylitol/erythritol in my teas and smoothies. I thought I'd miss fruit.
But the cravings I was experiencing on a daily basis, before I went on the detox, were far worse!
As it turned out, I was fine with no stevia in my teas and I was surprised by how good my smoothies, even without fruit, could taste with no stevia or erythritol. I'm a spice-ist, though, and cinnamon and its friends were my friends.
I didn't miss the xylitol mints, etc., because I wasn't hungry all the time--I didn't need them to distract the hunger. This, even though I was eating even fewer calories.
And I didn't miss the fruit. The detox allows for one per day: grapefruit, green apple, or green-tipped banana. I can't do bananas (and thought it a very strange inclusion), but I was fine with green apples and grapefruit--both are detoxing to the liver, which seemed appropriate. I had grapefruit for the first half and green apples for the second half, but I still have half the bag of apples--I didn't even have fruit every day! And I did limit my beloved carrots also.
The one thing I did crave, calling myself out here, was the last item mentioned on my "insteads" list; a food item I really had no business ever eating in the first place. It's a chocolate-covered soy protein bar with sea salt. God knows why I bought it one day a few months ago: nothing about it would appeal to me in my right mind (I don't tolerate soy well, it has way too much sugar, and chocolate+sugar is a terrible idea for me). But in those couple months of alternate-day fasting, sometimes I'd break a longish fast with a piece of fruit, stressed, out running errands, and my blood sugar and hunger and anxiety would go through the roof and I'd end up eating something normally beyond the pale. This isn't an uncommon phenomenon, but in my life it's pretty unique. Even knowing that this happens to other people, I'm still boggled by my craving for that stupid bar. On day 4 of the detox, it was almost overwhelming, but day 4 was also the day it came clear just how much better my digestive issues were already, so I had some pretty darn good motivation to battle the craving.
The Number One Gift From the Detox
So yes, by day 4 --just Four Short Days! -- my gut issues were mostly better. They're not 100% "fixed," which makes total sense, but the transit-time/motility issues are basically resolved at this point (and were basically fine from day 4 on); I'm sleeping better, without the intense nausea and bloating. I still have more gas than I'd like, but it's actually moving through now rather than just doubling me over.
Other positive things, too, but the overall gift of the process I can sum up in a single word:
Clarity -- in so many respects. Going into this intentional process allowed me to acknowledge things I already knew but was in denial about, which liberated me to choose what works for me rather than cling to ideals.
-- No more Garden of Eden. I was able to let go of my idealistic adoration of fruit and acknowledge that, bizarre as it may sound, fruit has always tended to constipate me, even in my fruitarian days! And if fruit does that, surely sugar would do so even worse.
-- Much more conscious eating, none of the crazy breaking-long-fast-while-running-errands scenario described above.
-- Clarity of skin. In my fruitarian days my skin was broken out about half the time. It's been consistently quite broken out for the past several months. But these past 21 days, it's cleared right up (although just today, the final day, I suddenly have one or two zits). I might have expected my skin to be worse during a detox. Once again, the clarity to acknowledge that it seems probable that in my leaky-gutted body all kinds of sugar (yes, including fruit) break out my skin.
-- Clarity to experiment. I'd always gone by the rule of "eat fruit first." But my obsessive blood sugar checking started from the observation that I'd break my fast with some fruit and feel hungrier, not satiated. And yet "eat fruit first" was an article of faith. But during the detox, I experimented with the other recommendation floating around, that if you're going to eat fruit (or a bunch of carbs in general), it's a better match for circadian hormone fluctuation if you eat it in the evening. I found that worked well for me, and meshed well with:
-- Clarity to make changes--with all the fasting, I was tending to eat more late in the evening. Having my fruit in the evening went along with noticing that an earlier, lighter dinner helped with my sleep and general level of comfort in my body.
-- Clarity: Hello! I'd noticed a while ago that fruit makes me hungrier. So then I go eat more fruit, and eat it first? And my m.o. is to eat as little as possible? (I do torture myself sometimes.) Yes, instead I got to be so much more satiated, on less food, without all those cravings I was having, without lots of chewable vitamin C that probably has questionable ingredients to hold it together.
-- Clarity: what a waste of money to buy foods that make me sick and then spend more money buying the most expensive enzymes, which helped just a little bit if I took them by the handful. Isn't that stupid? Don't eat the food, you don't need so many expensive enzymes, doh!

What I'm "Going Back To" and What I'm Keeping
As I said at the top, I'm a little cautious about changing anything much. And since the only thing I really missed was what I described as a "completely inappropriate object of craving"--something I know is not good for me and never truly want to put in my body, I don't feel compelled to rush back to anything.
-- I probably will add back in pure stevia, erythritol, xylitol, and small amounts of raw honey because my honest experience is that they all work in my body, although I understand the rationale of leaving them out for the detox to reset tastebuds. But I'll use them a lot less. Where my smoothies used to have both stevia and erythritol and fruit (and, honestly, some pretty bitter ingredients too), I imagine I'll use a little of just one of those sweeteners, if any.
-- My Sunwarrior pea protein powder will come back into the mix (it was out because it contains some stevia) because it feels good in my body and it's convenient.

-- I imagine there will be room for the odd xylitol mint and chewable vitamin C and zevia soda. But if I continue to feel so satiated and free of cravings, there won't be much need for them
-- Oh, I'll be glad to put berries in my smoothies again--probably in the evenings, though. And I'll be happy to enjoy some of the local fruit. My favorite farmers at the farmers' market have many kinds of organic heirloom melon, some of which are new to me (and I'm a huge fruit nerd, remember, so that's saying something), and there's other farmers with local peaches and apples (we're at that magical cusp of summer and fall with both peaches and apples). But I expect I'll be cautious and strategic about the fruit. I'm no longer in a phase of life where it's normal to eat the whole melon.
Here's what it is: I'm not "Going Back To" -- I'm "Going Forward To"!
ONWARD!!
Note: I'd be remiss not to review the detox itself. I will do so, but I'll give that its own space--this post has already gotten quite long. I hope it's helpful to anyone contemplating this detox.

21-Day Sugar Detox -- My First Ever Restricted Diet Done For "The Right Reasons"

2014-09-08T16:33:00.002-08:00

My friends tend to freak out at the idea of me doing any sort of restricted diet, since my normal diet tends to involve much restriction and I'm not, let's say, in a condition of excess. But I believe this is the first time I've undertaken a diet for self-care reasons rather than straight deprivation. Why??
Try this on for size: If I'm (1) attached to the familiarity of an old pattern and (2) eating inappropriate foods, I get cut off from my body's innate wisdom. And therefore: My body does have innate wisdom, she knows what is good for her. (Oh how amazing if that could be true!)

I have so many positive associations around fruit. Eating lots of it helped me out of the very lowest point of my anorexia--eating it, but also getting involved in growing, harvesting, and sharing it. I was so much the fruit girl, that's how everyone knew me. And despite all that I came to know and understand about how unnatural fruit is today, I still find myself harboring a Garden of Eden fantasy; I still hold a belief somewhere within me that it's the "perfect"/"highest"/"most righteous/correct" food. And so even after I ate no fruit for a year as I cleansed the worst case of candida my naturopath had ever seen, I gravitated back toward it. And again last year, despite a year of mostly coconut cream which was one of my best years digestion-wise. What's more, the years of fruitarianism mean that my estimation of a serving size for fruit is still potentially inflated.

Back on the fruit this year, I was in trouble. Intense sugar cravings, blood sugar swings. I never used to think of food as a comfort source, and how that evolved in me is for another post, but fruit+sugar cravings was sending me into even sweeter foods; foods that I knew were terrible for me, that made me feel terrible. It's no secret that part of my m.o. is pretty serious calorie restriction. But eating so much sugar when I did eat, I was hungry all the time. So I relied on chewable vitamin C, drink mixes, fasting every other day, and the fasting+lots of fruit sent me into the horrifying unfamiliar territory of binge-purge.
Meanwhile, I couldn't digest anything, couldn't sleep for the stomach pains and nausea, and had such severe bloating, the gas often wouldn't even come out in a colonic session! I was walking around 80-some pounds with a balloon belly. I would read/hear about people who'd gone gluten free, cut out dairy, and were feeling like a million bucks, and I felt like such a victim! Here I was, no gluten or dairy ever, absolutely wretched in my body. And yet at the same time there was a dive into gluten-free cookies here, an energy bar (aka sugary soy) there; even brightly colored sucralose candy one time, to my own disbelief--things I knew made me feel worse and yet somehow felt either entitled to or compelled to. Yes, straight-up sugar, as well as some white grains. In some twisted way I was able to give the cane sugar portion a pass because I haven't historically had a problem with sugar, but cookies made of rice flour? Sometimes with omega-6 oils like sunflower and canola??? My system can barely handle any kind of whole grain, so what's a bunch of finely starchified poison-powder going to do in there?
Even as I felt sorry for myself, part of me had the "sucker" lights lit up. Part of me was calling bullshit. At the MFA program residency, where I had a little less control over food availability and timings, I brought protein powder and gave myself the informal limit of two servings of fruit per day. Two things: I felt much better, and I had godawful sugar cravings, resolving into a couple breakouts into the fruit.
Perfect, then! I knew what I needed to do, and I knew for myself that in order to circumvent self-sabotage, I needed a framework where I'd committed to doing it. Even though I felt completely like myself with the crave and intermittent binge/purge , I knew myself well enough to know that if I laid down a framework, I would comply.

And so, when I heard an interview with Diane Sanfilippo about her 21-Day Sugar Detox a day or two after returning from the MFA residency, I decided it was time.

Stay tuned for my reflections on the twenty-one days!

Post-MFA Writing: Doubt, and Exhilaration

2014-09-06T17:30:00.001-08:00

During the MFA program, right around now is when people are starting to pull together their first "packet" to send off to their mentor. An agreed-upon amount of creative work (so many poems; a chapter; so many pages of prose; an essay or three); three responses to books read during the "packet period."

So, what about now?

A good friend of mine, and one of my inspirations, has continued the "packet" structure by herself since she graduated a couple years ago, and she's so inspiring both because of her commitment to art, literature, and poetry and because of her commitment to herself as the wonderful poet she is. At least a couple of my fellow graduates this year said they were planning the same.

Just as when I was a serious oboist in my teens, I realized upon passing with distinction the top "grade" that this was just a beginning, not the be-all end-all it had seemed before its achievement, so graduating the MFA seems much more the beginning of a writer's life than any sort of acme or culmination. Which is great, right? Because it means we get to continue, leaning, making mistakes, interacting with others...And yet, it's a whole new challenge. Most of us entered the MFA in the first place seeking the structure and validation it provided, the "official stamp." I could justify to myself that I was "working," on a very expensive degree, where without that I might have felt I was just playing around when I could be racking up hours of editing/translating time.

So what about now, student loan payments and all? One thing that differentiates post-MFA from MFA life is that we now have a carefully curated body of work--the thesis--which is an entity in its own right, separate from ourselves, birthed. This is true, even granted that by the nature of the MFA theses themselves are often works in progress--part one of a novel; a poetry collection that is still growing--or, in my case, an interweaving of poems and essays that begs the question whether it should go out into the world so conjoined or if in fact it contains the central nervous systems of two collections, one in each genre.
I feel that sense of obligation deeply. People have responded to my work, and more people should have the opportunity to do so, both for the people's sake and the work's sake.

Nonetheless, I feel like I've mostly been "playing around" so far, and mostly that's seemed appropriate--pressure off, and in the context of making revisions, open mind, openhearted listening all over again to what the piece wants to be.

Then this afternoon a new poem started to come. And it was just like the first time ever. Sh**ty first draft coming out onto the page, focus, love, delight...and then doubt. What if I can't do line breaks? What if the material is either hopelessly trite or impossible obscure? Is this telling too much about me, under the surface? Etc. etc. etc.
Worse yet, I'm one of the rare birds who actually enjoys writing critiques and has published book reviews, and has been encouraged by mentors to continue to write them (another habit I need to pick back up). I'm supposed to be a serious critic of other people's poetry. But I don't have a clue how to evaluate even this shi**ty first draft. What if everything I thought I knew is wrong or forgotten?

And my other self answers, CELEBRATE! Be in the unknowing! Being a critic [cognate with "discern," "discriminate," "crisis," (yes, and "crime")] means being very openly observant and being willing to draw distinctions based on that observation, which is far different than being an arbiter who determines how others should think/judge.

So, as a real live post-MFA writer, I'm a bit scared. But I'm also really excited. Will you join me for this dance?

Parasites Poop Too

2014-09-04T14:31:00.001-08:00

So! Time to talk about parasites! We've had symbiotes and commensals already. Once again, I find myself hesitating on the threshold of this writing. I was sticking on commensality because I'm not sure I believe in it: I can't fathom a relationship benefiting one party without having any impact on the other. It's more natural to conceive of a relationship as either symbiotic--ultimately a win-win--or parasitic, where one party benefits to the detriment of the other.
I hesitate now for a different reason, and it's not just that some parasites are beautiful to look at, or that mistletoe, emblem of Christmas-time love, is also a parasite.

Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/30000/velka/goldgelber-zitterling.jpg

Instead, my problem is that Parasites and Parasitism comprise such a big, hot topic that if I pick it up I'm afraid I might drop it! Several influential thinkers in the health universe believe that parasites are the #1 cause of just about all human ailments, and that they are lurking everywhere and in everything. And these are highly qualified, legitimate people, like Dr Ann Louise Gittleman and Dr Hulda Regehr Clark. Check out Parasite Rex and the books Amazon clusters with it for some high-jink facts and scary images. I've heard several authorities say that cancer is always associated with parasitic candida. Donna Gates, whose work I admire greatly, asserts that in over two decades of working with autistic children, she has found every one of them to have candida overgrowth.

Let's zoom out just for a moment. Mushrooms and mistletoe aside, most people think of microscopic microbes when they think of parasites. But--diverting as always to my beloved etymology--"parasite" originally referred to a human being.
Whereas a sus-sitos (the Greek for commensal, remember) is a mess-mate, who sits at table together with the others, a para-sitos is a gatecrasher, or a dingleberry--a flattering, rather tiresome guest who shows up, hangs around, and stays uninvited to dinner. Sitos means "food" and (as I mentioned before) specifically means "grain," and where "syn/co/com" means "with," "para" means "beside, to the side of," (think "paralegal"), and also "beyond," "contrary to" (think "paranormal"). If you were an alpha male in the ancient world that coined this word, a parasite was your pet toadyish best mate who always said what you wanted to hear, whom your true friends couldn't stand because he turned you against them, and because he fed your denial, sometimes to the loss of your kingdom. So there's something even a bit nastier about this original parasite. Not only does he dine at the host's expense; he clouds the host's vision and obstructs him from doing his job properly while at the same time making the host feel good about himself!
Agh agh ahem... This sounds a lot like a sugar addiction! Dare I say it? Sugar sure can make you feel good while actually strengthening yeast colonies and blocking absorption of minerals and nutrients. I actually started writing about this a couple months ago, when I undenied my own fruitarian sugar addiction, wondered who I was feeding when I fed that, and when I finish my 21-day sugar detox at the beginning of next week I'll share more about the big differences I've been experiencing as a result of feeding different "guests."
Whoa! It was dizzyingly easy to zoom in from the macro level of interpersonal relationships to the micro level of yeast colonies promising sweet comfort if you feed them more sugar. When metaphors transfer from macro to micro this easily I feel delight at the magical, fractal, geometric, sympathetic unity of this mad whirligig of a universe.
Realize this, too: the alpha male's parasite and the yeast colony both don't only feed at their host's expense: they excrete too, and their poop and gas stink! There were no flush toilets in the ancient world, so the parasite pooping in the latrine was an extra strain on resources too, no doubt. And then I think of all the nights this year when I was back on fruit and sometimes even tipping over into more sugary sugar, lying unable to sleep at night with indigestion pains, being one big tortured latrine for my wayward guests. We end up not only not having the proper benefit of the food, but having to get rid of what is in fact toxic waste. (Here's a quick read on acetaldehyde, one of the main toxic wastes excreted by yeasts in the body.)

The fact that parasites poop too has probably been my biggest epiphany recently in understanding why they can be such a problem. But looking on the bright side, our universe is dynamic, relationship dynamics can change, and balance may not look like you expect it to. If humans had no yeast in their bodies, we could get real sick real quick, especially in our present ocean of sugar. In normal amounts, a yeast colony is actually symbiotic--they're part of the cleanup crew. They get to eat, they mop up what our systems can't handle, whatever they poop out goes easily down the drain with the rest. And the dingleberry friend? Our alpha male will indulge his uninvited visits once in a while, especially if he wants to get rid of other visitors, but he'll think twice and twice more about listening to the guy's advice, will pay more attention to his true friends, and some days he'll say "Sorry buddy, dinner tonight's invited guests only. See you later."

This dynamism is what gives me pause with the stricter "parasite as cause of all evils" line. There's increasing evidence (e.g. here) that parasites performed a useful role in pre-cleansed and sterilized humanity. Obsession with cleaning out any and all parasites from the system sounds like similar logic to vaccinating all diseases away. There is a place for parasite cleansing and there is a place for vaccinations, God help us, but with a better understanding of what it takes to be in relationship with the parasitic organism, we might be able to embody better the underlying truth, that we are all connected.

Commensality? -- But What Is, Impacts

2014-09-01T19:53:00.005-08:00

You all know I'm a serial junkie. Grain free, of course. So (couldn't resist), isn't it going against the grain that I've taken so long to come out with the next in my Symbiotic - Commensal - Parasite series? Where have I been?

barnacles on a feather--were they there when the feather was on the bird?

As I would tell any friend of mine, the important thing is, I'm here now. In the meantime, though, I spent the weekend at a silent Sufi retreat and then took a hike today. I'm on day fourteen of a 21-day sugar detox, am getting things set up as a professional post-MFA writer (including sending my work out), have registered a domain name and committed to learning a new content management system for my "for real" website--oh, and I've been working. Stunning synchronicities, humbliing realizations, astonishing liftings of veils enabling me to understand what has been before my face but hitherto opaque.
No excuses -- but hey, I could blog for the rest of the month just filling in the details on that paragraph!

Commensal, though. The real reason it's taken me some time to get to this is that I find "commensal" hard to explain and even understand. "Symbiotic" is straightforward--life working together to make life. "Parasitic" (which we'll get to next time) is also a pretty clear-cut concept.
Commensal comes from Latin whereas the other two come from Greek. Maybe just a coincidence that it's more slippery. If it were a Greek derivative, it would be:
Syssitic. In other words, it combines the first element of "symbiotic" -- the sym/cum/co "with"
with the second element of "parasitic" -- sitos "food" (actually literally "grain"; NB the "mensa" in Latin literally means "table" but specifically a meal table and with an etymological connotation of grain harvest also).
The colloquial translation of commensalis/syssitios is "messmate" -- someone who sits at the same table in a communal cafeteria. In that situation, you'd think one diner is much like another. But in our parlance, technically a commensal organism is one that feeds from a host without causing the host any harm or damage. The remora fish glomming onto a shark or manta ray is a commonly cited example, as are the barnacles on whales.
So it turns out part of my discomfort is linguistic/syntactic. The word "commensal" properly denotes a reciprocal (sym/cum/co = "with") relationship between two different diners/remoras. But our language is using it to denote a one-way benefit relationship between remora and manta ray.

Sometimes words just don't collide with reality in a logical way...

Reaching deeper, with all the messages I've been receiving lately on the interconnectedness of all of us, animalvegetablemineraletherial (and that's why we have differentiation) I just can't wrap my brain around the idea that something feeds on something else without affecting it for either good or ill. Something can be affecting me even beneath the threshold of my awareness. And something else that isn't even present can affect me because I believe it is. The idea that the barnacle or the remora or the commensal bacteria have no benefit or detriment to the whale or manta ray or human gut seems to me tantamount to saying that they don't have real existence. It's a disrespect to them! Surely the barnacle helps clean the whale's skin, the remora and bacteria likewise--if they're nurturing themselves from what their host doesn't need, in my book that's actually providing a benefit.
When I've been in social situations being served gluten/dairy/meat, being able to pass the food I couldn't eat on to a friend or partner was a boon for me--there's one kind of commensal.
On the other hand, for whatever scarcity consciousness reasons, for much of my life I've appropriated the "cleanup crew" commensal position whereby something's permissible for me to eat if no one else wants it and it'll otherwise be thrown out (like stray fallen pieces of fruit on the floor at the store or farmers market, or godhelpme leftovers). Current meditations--and, no doubt, the sugar detox--are helping me let go of that old pattern.

Commensality is no one-way street! I am, therefore I impact.

Symbiosis, and Differentiation

2014-08-26T13:50:00.003-08:00

Those three words from last time: "Symbiotic." "Commensal." "Parasitic."

Just like kombucha and kefir cultures, we "individuals" am/are are symbiotic cultures, amalgams of bacteria, yeast, human cells... But since you are in my arm and I in yours, we are all connected. Human culture is symbiotic; you are my symbiote, life is symbiosis, acting on and being acted on by each other--
as the earth does with the moon--the earth pulls the moon and centers its path. And the moon pulls the fluid bodies of the earth, even within our own bodies.
Sym- "with" bios "life." Life together, life cumulative, life collective.
As probiotic, antibiotic (for- and against- life).
As sympathetic (suffering/feeling together with -- you in my arm again).
As symptom (circumstances seen together).
As symmetry (measurements taken together to form a pleasing whole).
As syntax (elements arranged together to make some sort of sense).
As synesthesia (multiple senses experienced together).

As synchronicity (events falling together at the same time to create magic).

Synesthesia could be my middle name, and I know synchronicity (to say I believe in it would be far too weak an assertion). Easy though it is to disparage the Internet, it is a fantastic fulcrum of synchronicity. As I began to think about this post, to reflect on "symbiosis" and all it means, from my kitchen ferments to collective humanity's potential to turn around the ship of global warming, I found myself listening to an interview with fellow Israeli Anat Baniel. She's one of those wonderful holistic bodyworkers who became wise to how using the body's movements can "rewire" the brain (align the synapses, where nerve endings touch together).

I was thinking about symbiosis, right? --about how all beings are connected and thus influential on one another. Go there, and it's tempting to go one more step to "we're all the same."
The wonderful thing about Anat's message was that she was saying the opposite of this, and at the same time she was reinforcing that we are all connected. Her point was that a lot of physical pain and range-of-movement issues, and also a lot of the behavioral and spatial problems autistic children suffer, are predicated on lack of differentiation. If you have a series of vertebrae all moving together as if fused, you're not going to know the flexibility that would otherwise be available to you. If multiple areas of your brain all light up in response to a stimulus that "should" only affect one part, you could end up being excitingly synesthetic, or you could lack the filters and buffers to respond appropriately to a situation.

I guess that's why we all need to be the best self we possibly can be. I can't harm myself, because you are in me. But without differentiation, yes, there would be no war; but also there would be no musical cascades of notes, no art, no sentences, no poetry.
Our lives, together, side by side, interlinked, each one of us unique as the tile of a mosaic, different in our location within the whole, different in our individual certain sparkle.

Culture within, Culture without

2014-08-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

Water kefir on the left, milk kefir (more on that later) on the right. Proofs from the dictionary project on bottom.

Yes, I do some of my editing work in the kitchen. Sometimes that's the most time I spend in there of a day. This isn't really a tangent: on the subject of "me in you, you in me," I've been thinking about microorganisms within and without, and of course that takes me to words. "Symbiotic." "Commensal." "Parasite."

It's now understood that nonhuman cells outnumber human cells in our "own" bodies by ten to one. These microorganisms form colonies that can lobby with powerful demands, so that it can be literally true that we are possessed/overtaken by influences within us but not of us. "My bugs made me do it!"

Reflected on the outside: my kitchen, no doubt, is full of uncontained bugs I can't see. I welcome the spiders when I see them, benign weavers and cleaners. But I was horrified by the roaches that showed up. In my kitchen, I also contain and feed several colonies on purpose and strive to ensure they get fed correctly. It's another kind of gardening, in a way, and I do it at least as much to cultivate (pun intended) my spirit relationship with microorganisms as I do to consume the products of bacterial/yeast ferments.
Aside from the two kefirs, I have more kombucha cultures than I can manage (give me a shout if you want one!) -- enough to give some of them experimental diets, like coffee instead of tea (far right) (so far so good). This culture's ancestor moved with me from Hawaii over six years ago, and it seems to be happy back in a warm climate, although I left many of its offspring happy with happy owners back in Alaska.

Both kefir and kombucha cultures are called "SCOBY"s -- an acronym for "symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast." Which I guess we are, as humans, too.
Taking a walk on the wild side, here are two veggie krauts: napa cabbage/onion/ginger, and daikon radish. In their own juices with a little sea salt, these are consumed almost overnight in this climate by wild yeasts/bacteria (i.e. I didn't add a culture; bacteria in the environment came and feasted) and become crisp, sour-sharp, without the overwhelming pungency of those sulfurous vegetables when raw. They have to go in the fridge at this point to avoid "rotter" bactera taking over and composting them.

Sandor Katz, the great fermentation guru, points out that no American has ever died from eating wildly- or home-fermented foods--if something's really "gone bad," your taste buds will protect you.

On the other hand, many "humans," American and otherwise, have died of organisms growing out of control within their bodies, and far more feel helplessly identified with addictions and cravings that are not truly of themselves. There is a way out.

Whatever I am doing at any moment is practice.
Whatever I practice I get better at.
What am I practicing now?

Likewise,

Whatever I feed thrives.
What am I feeding now?

Back to the kefir, since I don't do dairy, I had a problem figuring out what to feed the milk kefir grains. I quickly figured out that they need protein (a la casein in milk) as well as sugar (a la lactose in milk). Soy milk worked great. but I mostly avoid soy too; an almond milk fortified with protein also worked well (and of course I need to get back in the kitchen habit and make my own). But then I almost killed the kefir grains when I got back from my trip by feeding them unsweetened protein almond milk. The end product smelled bad, the grain colony dwindled. They made their unhappiness clear.

A dance away from sugar seems a good idea for me right now (more on this soon), but that doesn't alter the requirements of this age-old ferment culture. Even feeding the kombucha on coffee as mentioned above, or hibiscus tea or green tea instead of black tea as I also do, and with maple syrup instead of sugar, doesn't violate this concept: the kombucha culture needs some sort of simple sugar and a tannin-rich tea medium. Coffee, hibiscus, and other grades of tea all have plenty of tannins; maple or even coconut sugar are simple enough.

Would that it were so simple to figure out the correct fuel mix for the SCOBY that is each unique human, to keep the good bugs happy and keep the detrimental or composter bugs from taking over.

More on that, and on those words up top (symbiotic, commensal, parasite), next time.

Whatever I am doing at any moment is practice.
Whatever I practice I get better at.
What am I practicing now?

You, in My Arm; I, in You, Not As Robin Williams (Post-MFA Edition)

2014-08-20T19:51:00.002-08:00

I'm back from my final residency at Pacific Lutheran University's Rainier Writing Workshop, MFA in hand. "So am I a real writer now?"

Actually, those ten days were tremendously validating. Those of us graduating discussed one another's work. We each gave a public reading. Eight minutes isn't much, but we made it count, all of us! The readings are always one of the highlights of residency, and our class set the bar high. I got to visit with my trinity of mentors--incredible writers, dear spirits, inspiring human beings all three of them. Wordcrafter though I am, I can only put my hand on my heart to express the depth of love, affection, respect I feel for them all: Lia Purpura, Fleda Brown, and Stephen Corey. I'm honored to know all my classmates and many from other cohorts in the program--great writers, special people, several friends for life.
I left the residency with a new mandate to honor my writing, and new possible contacts in my new home. (And yes, it does feel like home here in Tucson!)

But something else happened during that time. We were at residency when Robin Williams passed. Although I'm not a huge movie watcher, his was definitely one of the most ubiquitous and beloved names of my growing up. I've written a little on here fairly recently about some of my own experience with suicide, and even though I shielded myself from the media around his passing, it triggered a lot in me. I relived my own periods at and over that edge. I asked myself all over again why am I still here. I felt like a failure because I never "succeeded."

A few nights ago I dreamed. I was with a beloved, close friend. We were so close, we could energetically enter one another's bodies and feel one another's physical sensations. Then I cut my arm--my left forearm (as y'all know, I'm left handed, so that's quite a castration) -- I cut it from wrist to elbow, deep and wide. And the instant after I'd done it, I realized my dear friend was "in" my arm at that time. She could feel the cutting and the cut, the pulsing of broken veins, the warmth of spillage. I could feel her feeling it. I was horrified.

When I woke, that moment was with me. Going forward, how can I allow myself to get back to that deceiving place of believing my actions don't affect anyone else?

You are in the veins of my arm. And I'll use that arm for writing now.

Parallel Parking and Delayed Gratification

2014-07-10T21:15:00.003-08:00

I was reflecting recently that having always wanted to be(come) a mystic, what I've been instead is a

missed-stic. Ironically, I suspect that a big part of why I've been so unsuccessful in adult life is because as a young person, many things that were considered important came to me very easily. It's not that I never had to try. I became a decent cross-country runner and a national-level musician, and I don't think my natural talent at either of those things was very great, but--especially the music--I really really wanted it.

I suspect this will never be my street address... But interesting to have it as a nearby cross street.

Otherwise, though, I wasn't ever encouraged to put more effort in to get better at something that I wasn't naturally excellent in; there was a lot of "okay, good enough," coupled with some impatience on my part, along the lines of looking up the solution to the puzzle at the back of the book, or abandoning the puzzle half-done.
But the times I finished the puzzle without cheating, the time I put up the shelf for my mom, leveled it, and redid it ("no, leave it, it's fine") so that it was actually level, provoked a sweet, earthy/hearty/grounded satisfaction of a whole different order from the easy victories of perfect test scores.

I learned to drive in a European university town. This meant that parallel parking wasn't just a technicality on the driving test; it was a necessary skill most likely to be called upon every time one drove a car. In the fourteen years I've lived in the US, that skill has become far less relevant.

This afternoon I was running an errand on 4th Avenue in Tucson's University district, and the first parking spot I found was a parallel park, circumscribed both front and back. I seriously considered not even trying. My first two goes were a mess with my back to the curb, which I realized wasn't surprising since I learned to parallel park in little cars with no power steering (and my California-days Mazda was that same way--I did need to parallel park in Berkeley), whereas my Subaru is as long as a small truck and has power steering--of course I ended up overshot if my body remembered making these movements in a shorter vehicle with a tighter turning moment.

So I swung out for my third attempt...and here comes the streetcar! I would have just driven away, but the streetcar was already stopped, waiting, watching. Probably everyone on the sidewalk was watching the stopped streetcar for why it was stopped. Public humiliation, for sure... But third time turned out good--really good, right? Straight, true, close.

I almost couldn't believe I'd done it--just about had myself convinced that I wouldn't be able to. I don't consider myself mechanically skilled, or car savvy, or spatially aware. Getting to prove my negative self-talk wrong through action was an unexpected gift.

So, hang in there. Delayed gratification can be delicious.

Weight-Loss Supplements Part 3: Why Would You Want To Anyway?

2014-07-06T17:18:00.002-08:00

This is my final post on weight-loss supplements, and then my intention is to stay away from the topics of food and weight, despite the former recipe-oriented nature of the blog and despite my enormous knowledge and fascination with nutrition facts.Writing these posts has taught me that the messenger cannot be divorced from the message. (And don't you always go read the author bio on the back of a book?) You'd think someone supposedly* twenty pounds underweight would be the ideal person to give advice related to weight loss, but I actually want people to read my blog and it seems my sharing on this subject's a turn off.
*I say "supposedly" because it might be the case on a different body, but my body seems to work fine.

Do we love the moon more when she is new than when she's full?

So, why would you anyway? Why take a pill/supplement/substance when good diet and exercise, optimized sleep, minimized "bad" stress (good stress, so-called "eu-stress," like challenging yourself to do your best, is actually beneficial), meditation, good breathing, can accomplish what you're after?
The first, important answer goes back to the issue of cleansing that I banged on about in both the previous posts. If you're carrying excess, you know that it's protecting you, and when you shed the excess you need a graceful way to escort out the sequestered toxins. Unless you really know what you're doing--and perhaps even if you (think you) really know what you're doing, don't do this alone. Even aside from the fact that support is so necessary to release, people respond differently to different herbs and it's best to have the help of an expert when you go to figure it out.
Then there are the other medical issues to do with hormones--primarily thyroid, adrenals, and reproductive hormone balance--in these cases the supplements are often indicated to bring about balance, and release of excess weight is part of the balancing process. Therefore, these interventions shouldn't really even be called "weight-loss supplements." You're likely to notice that you feel better in all kinds of respects, and the release of weight won't be the first thing you notice.

Aside from the vital issues of toxins and hormonal balancing, to me, the answer is process rather than product. In other words, the choice to take weight-loss supplements is about day to day activity, not the end goal of released pounds and/or inches.
The supplements I myself take tend to be stimulants and appetite suppressants. I will note right away that even the best appetite suppressants (caralluma, hoodia) may not work any better than just drinking loads of liquid. And much as it freaks me out, I admit a little MCT oil in my tea suppresses hunger better than the encapsulated options for a longer time than the small amount of calories by which it exceeds them. So, why do I do this, when I actually don't mind feeling hungry? Process again--it's not why, it's when. I don't mind being hungry, but sometimes it's distracting and I need to focus, for work or because I'm around people. I don't always do this, but sometimes I take some appetite suppressants coupled with some stimulants (mostly caffeine--pills as well as beverages if I'm really tired or spacy). That way I can focus on being present for that which I wish to be present to rather than having this nagging nuisance. I don't think it's habit forming, but I also don't do it that often. But it's so much more convenient than having to figure out eating (but that's mostly me with my allergies, etc.).
Beyond "weight-loss" supplements -- Bettering my best What it boils down to is that I use these supplements when I want/need to do better than the best that I can come up with by myself. The hormone-balancing supplements (especially rhodiola and relora) can help with this too. This is really about performance enhancement, not weight loss. Together with caffeine, caralluma, hoodia, B vitamins, there are a few other performance enhancers in my toolkit. I'll leave you with their names and links to some basic information about them:
Phosphatidylserine -- this phospholipid supposedly goes straight to the brain, and you definitely feel its effects right away. In my experience, it's almost as good as a benzodiazepine for stopping a panic attack, without the unwelcome stupefaction--in fact it makes you feel smarter. People take it for enhanced performance on tests, too.
The other two are newer to me:
Huperzine A -- extracted from Chinese club moss (and note that mosses have a venerable worldwide history of medicinal use, just like cactus and seaweed)
Vinpocetine -- this is periwinkle! (Well, and relora is from magnolia, and peony is very effective in bringing sex hormones into balance...)
The interesting thing is that all three of these are used in treating Alzheimer's. If they're helpful in restoring impaired cognition, it makes good sense that many people are using them to support and maintain--and perhaps improve--their baseline cognition.
That's where it's at for me. If something will help me do better than the current best I can offer, I'll accept its help.
Don't look for weight-loss supplements. Look for helpers for detoxifying, balancing hormones, and enhancing performance.

What You Need to Know About Weight-Loss Supplements, Part 2

2014-07-02T20:38:00.005-08:00

After writing my first post in this series, I assumed that I would write part two and part three in short suit right after. Here I am back, instead, several days later. I had to take a step back and pause because of the reaction to the first post. The fact is, I don't (yet?) have a public following eager to drink from the fount of my knowledge about things nutritional, especially things weight-loss oriented. If anything, I have rather a private following of friends who are concerned about me and who get quite worried whenever I talk about anything to do with weight loss. To my friends: please know that I am offering this as a service, this being a public blog, out of my (perhaps ill-won) knowledge. Please know that the tl;dr version of all this is:
Please love yourselves, understand why you want what you want from your bodies, know that the only magic pills are harmony and self love. Some supplements may be guides or aids on your journey toward health, but you are the one walking the path.
and:
Don't do as I do. Many of the paths I've chosen I would not recommend to anyone else. I'm a wanderer, not a scout (unless a scout of where not to go).
One more thing before I get into it, just to be clear: if diet pills really "worked," I'd probably take them quite a lot. I don't, because they don't. I'll get more into that in the next post, but for now I'll just reiterate that these substances work via a variety of modalities, and you have to know what you want for your unique set of challenges.
Okay--I promised two things for this post: some review of the eight different kinds of weight loss supplement, and whether to get a combination pill, a single-item pill, or go straight to the herb.
Combination, Single-Item, or Straight to the Source?
This isn't as simple as you might think. A good rule of thumb, though, is this: Don't buy a generic Walmart/GNC/Big-box Store combination formula. That would be the classic "diet pill" supplement with the most extravagant promises. They are also the ones Dr Mercola reported as having been found to contain substances not listed on the label, including illegal stimulants. Unfortunately, I have my own experience with this. Several years ago I took a Walmart-type combination: basically hoodia and a bunch of caffeine and diuretics. I was dumb enough to take it for six months, and it played havoc with my mood disorders and digestion. Any weight that I lost during that time I lost because I wasn't eating and was overexercising. My thyroid and adrenals also went down the toilet at that time.
That said, I wouldn't buy a single-pill supplement from one of those stores either, because typically (1) they're not made from good ingredients and (2) they contain poor-quality additives and fillers.
As it turns out, though, combinations have their time-honored place. "Triphala," a venerable Ayurvedic formula that helps to cleanse the colon without being habit forming, is a combination "tri"=three and "phala"=fruits -- three superantioxidant berries that work in concert. Many western colon cleansing modalities also employ a combination of herbs that work synergistically. If there's a parasite cleanser like wormwood, it's good to have a toxin absorber in there too, like charcoal or clay. If there's a stimulant laxative like senna or cascara, good to have something soothing like aloe too. On the neurotransmitter support end of things, 5htp is better absorbed in the presence of certain B vitamins, and so it's often compounded with them.
On the other hand, I love to go straight to the herb and work in its energy.
These are hibiscus flowers, which contain hydroxycitric acid (as in hydroxycut, etc.).

from http://www.whats4eats.com/beverages/sorrel-punch-recipe

As it turns out, hydroxycitric acid, which is claimed to boost metabolism, isn't proven effective in the literature whatsoever. But guess what? hibiscus, as well as garcinia cambogia berries, which are the other common source of hydroxycitric acid (itself an antioxidant), is loaded with vitamin C and other antioxidants. They probably have resveratrol also, because they have that proud staining purple color. I usually have one of my kombuchas in a hibiscus tea, and here in the heat a pitcher of hibiscus tea in the fridge is a lovely idea.
Hydroxycitric acid falls under number (3) of my previous post, working on hormones to "stimulate metabolism" by increasing production of certain hormones, or increasing cells' sensitivity to those hormones.
Other substances that work this way are:
--Raspberry ketones (I haven't tried these but the research says they're almost certainly a gimmick)
--Green coffee extract Note: this isn't a stimulant like black coffee; the roasting develops the caffeine. Green coffee extract is high in antioxidants (noticing a pattern?) one of which helps to balance blood glucose after a meal. I recently got some green coffee extract powder, and I'll play with it in smoothies and see what I think. If it's nutrient rich, it's likely to contribute to satiation and general feel-good.
--(top pick) Relora is actually a magnolia/phellodendron bark extract. It's an herb that works to balance cortisol. Because of the relationship between cortisol, insulin--and progesterone, getting cortisol back into balance can help allow the body to release weight, especially held around the midriff. Most easily found in capsule form.
--(top pick) Rhodiola is a root. It also helps balance cortisol. Can be found as capsule, tincture extract, or dry root (powder for tea). I've also found it can have an almost magically positive effect against depression.
--(top pick) Di-indolyl-methane (DIM) and Indol-3-carbinol (I3C), two sulphoraphane (sulfur) compounds found in the brassicas (arugula, bok choy, broccoli, cauliflower, etc., although these extracts contain many many times the amount you could reasonably eat in the whole food). These compounds are crucial for balancing the different kinds of estrogen with progesterone and testosterone. With all the estrogen mimics in our environment, and the fact that excess of estrogen leads directly to weight retention and much more, this is another great all-round health strategy.

Backtracking for a moment to (1) and (2) in the last post, (1) was Laxatives/Cleanses. As I stressed in the last post, if you're carrying excess fat and fluid, they are protecting you from something. Cleansing is likely going to be an important part of releasing whatever toxins you're being protected from. But I'm hesitant even to make recommendations, because it's such a sacred, intense, not-to-be-undertaken-lightly, life-changing thing to do, and you really need an experienced practitioner to guide you. Don't just take a bunch of laxatives--you'll become dependent on them, and they may create dangerous electrolyte imbalances. Do look into things like walking, skin brushing, saunas, and other non-pill ways to cleanse, and benign digestive system supporters like ginger, peppermint, and fennel.

(2) Stimulants: before you go buy caffeine pills, bear in mind that this is a supplement we've probably all played with. Tea, coffee, chocolate, colas (this is kola nut powder, btw; it's super bitter, and I haven't yet found a way to make it preferable to green tea)...

from http://vt-fiddle.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=647

...energy drinks. Once again, these plants are all antioxidant rich, and you're not going to get those antioxidants in poor-quality derivatives like soda pop or red bull. And yes, because they're stimulants, they do also "stimulate" metabolism, but the effect only lasts as long as it's in your system, and there may be an equal and opposite crash to follow.
Much of the same holds true for bitter orange.
Ephedra is a major stimulant and also opens the lungs. It should be noted that in Chinese medicine it's used for asthma and congestion; it doesn't have a long history of use in weight loss as some other substances do. I had a big bag of ephedra powder at one point. I made tea with it a few times, but even I wasn't crazy enough to make a habit of it. Yes, it amped me up, but in such a way that I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest!
The other thing about caffeine is this: just as you can become dependent on laxatives, so too you build dependence to caffeine. But with time, the caffeine depletes the adrenals. So while a quick burst of energy help once in a while might not do any harm, making a habit of it will probably backfire.

This is Gymnema sylvestre, whose Sanskrit name, gurmar, means "destroyer of sugar."

from https://www.heavenly-products.com/cart/index.php?cPath=0_156_129_342

so it's in my category (3), in that it helps balance blood sugar and quell sugar cravings, and has long been known and used as such.
And most people know that good old cinnamon is full of chromium, a mineral crucial to the pancreas' good functioning and so also a blood sugar balancer. I've chewed on a cinnamon stick, testing my blood sugar before and after, and seen it go down more quickly than expected.

from http://www.khiewchanta.com/archives/ingredients/cinnamon-sticks-opt-chey.html

In many ways, my category (4) of the previous post, creators of a sense of satiety, is the most interesting category. Especially combined with category 8, which help to reduce chemistry-based cravings, having something that helps you feel physically full sounds like a good thing if your struggle is with overeating and cravings. As mentioned, there are two kinds of agent here: physical fillers, and agents that work with leptin.
The good news is that the best things to create a sense of satiety, many of them used that way for millennia and well known as safe and beneficial, are...drum roll...starchy vegetables, and certain seeds!
The one-word answer, although it's an oversimplification, is fiber. A subset of "fiber" that's becoming recognized as especially important is polysaccharides--long-chain sugars that also feed the beneficial bacteria in the gut, which means better assimilation and elimination rather than food hanging around putrefying. That mucilaginous property that some people find offputting but that is so gentle on the gut is a good hint. Other than okra and aloe, here are some honorable mentions:
Three kinds of cactus on three continents! Yes! In Central America, in Bushman Africa (Namibia, Botswana), and in Asia (India) three different kinds of cactus have been used historically for long journeys, times of food scarcity, and for endurance and weight loss.

from http://www.backyardnature.net/mexnat/nopal.htm

We have nopal cactus, we have hoodia from Africa, and we have caralluma from India. Now that I'm surrounded by nopales/sabras, I'm putting them in my smoothies all the time because they're delicious and they give a great texture (the fruits are ripening now, too). But leaving aside my disastrous experience with poor-quality hoodia years ago, I have used both good-quality hoodia and good-quality caralluma, and I've used caralluma in combination with green tea extract also. I can't confirm the claims that they give you "boundless" energy, but in the realm of "pills" they're probably the best, in my experience, at suppressing hunger, tying with
Sea vegetables (and fucoxanthin pills). Sea veggies are also full of those slimy polysaccharides--very satiating. Both the veggies and the extracts in pills work in two other ways as well: being rich in iodine, they support the thyroid, which controls metabolism, and also support detoxification of the pervasive harmful halogens (chlorides, fluorides, bromides); and the antioxidant fucoxanthin in the brown seaweeds is thought to promote breakdown of fat and also to increase production of the important (anti-inflammatory) omega-3 DHA. NB Seaweeds, or sea veggies, are another class of food used traditionally in many cultures around the world, including medicinally.
Mucilaginous seeds. "Chia seeds were used by the Indians in Central America. They could run for a whole day on one tablespoon." It's become a cliche, hasn't it? (I don't think you could call it an urban legend.) But these thirsty seeds combined with fluid create that same mucilaginous context that is both soothing and satiating. Just like the cacti and the sea veggies, chia has its counterparts. Flax, for one. And if you don't know about basil seeds, consider this your introduction:

from http://www.rajeevtraders.com/tukmaria.htm

I usually find them in the Indian section of Asian markets, where they're also called tukmaria or sabza (or sabja), but I've had them in Thailand, and if you look at the Chinese canned drinks in the same Asian market, there are always some "basil seed drinks," like a chia fresca but with basil seeds. Basil seeds are lower in fat and calories than flax or chia, but here's what all three, as well as the cacti and the sea veggies (and nonstarchy veggies in general) have in common: All of them are high in fiber, and all of them have a high ratio of omega 3 to omega 6. The three types of seed are therapeutic, in that not only do they have far more omega 3 than omega 6 in terms of ratio, they also have sufficient quantity to remedy an overbalance toward omega 6.
Hey, did you notice? All these foods are high in fiber and rich in antioxidants and important micronutrients. Do you think that might be why they are satiating?
For the second way of creating satiety, I only know of two things.
There's African Mango, aka irvingia gabonensis--it supposedly mimics leptin in the same way that wild yam mimics progesterone and griffonia simplicata mimics 5htp. Amazing how plants mimic so many of the chemicals we humans run on!
The other one is homeopathic leptin.

from http://leanwithleptica.com/prices/

See how this is another example of the "weight loss product as affirmation" I was talking about in the last post? I confess I keep a bottle of it around my work station, but I almost never ingest it--it's just for the reminder.
One to avoid, imo: Satiereal "hunger chews," which claim to suppress hunger and sugar cravings.

from http://www.amazon.com/Hunger-Mandarin-Satiereal-Saffron-Extract/dp/B007TOCCNI

I bought a bag of these two years ago. It was incredibly expensive, and I still have almost half the bag. Partly, no doubt, because it was so expensive. Partly because it contains safflower oil, which I normally wouldn't touch. But big-partly, because they don't work! I don't think they work any better than sucking on a piece of cheap candy (which can help with hunger, but xylitol-based is better for your teeth). I haven't been able to find a good explanation for saffron's effect on hunger, but I have read that in trials this supp. had an adverse effect on mood, so tread cautiously (save your money).
(5) Binders/absorption blockers: this is your psyllium, your activated charcoal, your bentonite/zeolite/pascalite clays, your diatomaceous earth. Different people respond differently to these; you may find one that works great for you (good elimination; if you eat something that disagrees with you and take whichever one of these works for you, you're able to get rid of it without great protracted discomfort), but what works great for you may give someone else constipation or diarrhea. These may help with weight loss in that they bind toxins to themselves electrically and thus neutralize them. Interesting fact, that: most toxins, heavy metals, etc., are positively charged ions. The Earth, and earths, clays, charcoals, are negatively charged, so putting them in your body can help to take the other out.
Two words of caution around psyllium, which works because it is insoluble fiber rather than for electric reasons: (1) psyllium seed husks frequently cause allergies when used a lot. (2) I heard this only recently, but it was from a very good source--there are issues with lead contamination of psyllium (which could explain the allergenicity).
Another one is chitosan, made from the chitins of shellfish. I suspect it's another "your mileage may vary" option.
With all of these non-nutritive substances, be aware that they may bind up nutrients as well as toxins, taking them along for the ride, so to speak. So if you're taking medications or supplements that you need to absorb, take them at least two hours apart.
(6) Blockers of a specific nutrient (carb or fat) because no one wants to block protein, right? Most people agree that protein takes the most metabolic energy to digest and therefore is the most weight-loss-promoting macronutrient. So, Alli is supposed to block absorption of fat but, as I said in the last post, you really can't eat fat when you're taking it, so why not just not eat fat? (not that I'm saying that's a good idea, though).
White kidney bean extract, aka Phase 2, is supposed to block absorption of carbohydrate. My curiosity got the better of me on this one. I'm allergic to red kidney beans like please let me die now allergic. It doesn't last as long as a reaction to gluten but sometimes feels even worse at its peak. So, do I dare try white kidney bean extract? The nomenclature of legumes is so notoriously imprecise, and I was unable to determine whether white kidney bean was a kind of kidney bean or if it was just another name for a navy or cannelini bean. Well, eventually I got some Phase 2 and tried some. And it didn't make me feel like I was going to die, but I did have the worst stomach ache for about a day and a half. So, I guess I was the wrong guinea pig for this one! Or, hey--I couldn't eat, so it worked, right? Yeah, or stick a rock in your tummy...

(7) Alternative sources of brain fuel for sustained energy and reduced cravings: I only know two of these, and I don't fully understand their chemistry, but I do know that they work. First is medium-chain triglycerides (MCT oil), usually refined from coconut oil or palm oil, both of which contain MCTs but at a much lower concentration. The idea is that we go into ketosis (burning ketones rather than glucose for fuel) as a matter of course every night. MCT oil is easily absorbed by the brain and, because it contains no carbohydrate (and also no protein, which can be converted into carbohydrate), it allows the brain to continue to burn ketones for fuel. It makes enough sense to me that on my fasting days I've been experimenting with putting some in my tea. I have to get over my fear of oil, though--I don't think I've put enough to really notice, although it did seem like I was less hungry.
The second one is an amino acid, glutamine. Like all the good supplements, glutamine is wonderful for many different things. BUT like most good supplements, it should not be taken in excess -- because it can convert into glutamate, and we all know that's trouble, right? I've taken glutamine for years because it's healing to a leaky gut. It's supposed to actually help heal the places where the tight junctures have been breached. I've often found it soothing to my gut. But it also, apparently, feeds the brain directly, and works to balance blood sugar. I've experienced cravings going away instantly when I've put some glutamine powder under my tongue. If your blood sugar is whacked and you're craving, just getting a little space between you and the craving can be salvation.
That overlaps with category (8)--neurotransmitter supporters to improve mood and reduce cravings. Two absolute no-brainers here are vitamins C and D. Vitamin C is the all-purpose antioxidant that aids in so many metabolic processes, while vitamin D is coming to be recognized as a hormone, crucial to regulating the body's homeostasis. Google vitamin c and body weight and vitamin d and body weight and see what you turn up.
Back to amino acids, their support of neurotransmitters and brain processes, and how that can impact weight, in addition to glutamine you should know about tyrosine, 5htp or its precursor tryptophan, phenylalanine, and GABA at least. The place to go to learn all about this is Trudy Scott's blog--she has the neurotransmitter/amino acid piece nailed down and very clearly explained, and I'd be stumbling around if I tried to paraphrase or summarize her great work.
The good thing about these is that they support your whole-body health, and if losing weight is part of coming into whole-body health, they will support that too. And, like relora, rhodiola, and DIM/I3C and MCT oil mentioned above, they are useful for many things besides weight regulation. Some people take 5htp for sleep. GABA is a first step for anxiety. Glutamine for intestinal walls, as I said...
Big, big pictures...
O-Kay! If you've read this far, thank you, and I hope there's been something useful for you here.
I'll offer one more post on this subject--a shorter one, I promise!--to wrap things up, address any questions, correct any mistakes I might have made here.
Good night from balmy Tucson, where the wind is high tonight and it smells like there has been rain somewhere nearby!

What You Need to Know About Weight-Loss Supplements, Part 1

2014-06-28T15:15:00.001-08:00

Well, my previous post touching on my own eating habits didn't go over so well. Deep breath, clear the decks. I'll take counsel whether to develop that thread as I'd intended.
In this post, although I'm talking about weight loss, it's not my weight loss. I'm offering some background to Dr. Mercola's recent article about the allure, the myths, the dangers of weight-loss supplements, better known as "diet pills," as well as the important point that they risk contaminating important, effective supplements with their bad name.
As you can imagine, this is a subject I'm really knowledgeable about, and as a taker of supplements (vitamins and minerals, some amino acids, herbs) I also value consumers' free access to the full gamut of herbs, hormones, amino acids and other nutritive aids. Let me give you some useful information.
Foundations. So many important places to start. Let's start with this:
There's no such thing as a diet in a bottle. This should be obvious on the "if it sounds too good to be true, it's probably too good to be true" criterion. But people who resort to diet pills tend to feel emotionally desperate and as such are more likely to be swayed by hype.

from http://jamesdawsonmartin.com/blog/fat-burnerweight-loss-pills-scam-money/

Even the most unscrupulously hyperbolic bottles of weight loss have some very fine print somewhere saying, effectively, your mileage may vary, do not exceed the dose, and that this is not a substitute for a healthy diet and exercise plan.
In fact, I think some weight-loss supplements may have a sort of stealth placebo effect, either by providing an affirmation through their claims or by triggering the person taking them to adhere better to a diet plan because now they're taking action by taking the pill. Sometimes they trigger adherence to a diet plan less subtly. One supplement I've never tried is Alli, which blocks fat absorption, because I've read the horror stories about what can happen if you eat any fat while taking it. In other words, if you're taking this fat-blocking diet pill you can't eat any fat, so you might as well save your money and go on a fat-free diet!

Why do it? Before we go any further, it's important to say why someone might want to take a weight-loss supplement. Although "detox" is such a cliched and carelessly used term at the moment, the detox nuance here is crucially important.
Things may work differently if you're cutting non-excess weight, but if you have excess weight, both excess fat and excess fluid, it is protecting you. This may be true on an emotional level, and/or it is sequestering toxins. Fat binds toxins up away from your circulation; fluid holds soluble toxins in solution so that they don't concentrate to dangerous levels in the blood.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to understand this, because when you start releasing the fat and the fluid, you're going to need some good hazardous-materials-collection strategies. Many diet pills, especially the loud and unsubtle ones, are basically laxatives and diuretics, often harsh ones. Mostly these will make you pee and poop a lot, with severe cramping, and with nothing to buffer your body from the toxins that were being held in solution. This can lead to dangerous electrolyte imbalances and dehydration.

from http://www.sullivanvitamins.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=5487

(Every grocery store carries some or several variations of this tea. In this case, the single ingredient is senna, about the harshest laxative in existence. Some other brands have a few other herbs, like mallow and wild rhubarb, to mellow it out a bit (pun not intended), but they all have senna, and some have cassia too.)

How do they work? Last point for this post--how do weight-loss supplements do what they claim to do?

from: http://www.123rf.com/stock-photo/fat_to_thin.html

Knowing the answer to this can help a person decide which kind of supplement might support them. In the right context, some of these supplements can support weight loss, but only in the right circumstances, correctly used, and with the right support.
I could think of eight basic categories/modalities of supplement. I'll line them out briefly here and give some examples in the next post.
(1) Laxatives and diuretics -- as discussed just above. Bad idea, may bring about transient fluid weight loss but usually with negative consequences. On the other hand, a really high-quality herbal cleanse, well supported by a good practitioner and accompanied by green juices, skin brushing, and perhaps colonics and saunas, can support weight loss as part of gentle and healthy removal of stored toxins.
(2) Stimulants. Yep -- a good many weight-loss supplements contain some or several forms of caffeine (straight-up caffeine, coffee or green or oolong tea extract, kola nut, cacao bean), often compounded with B vitamins, for quick stimulation. This may be helpful for a quick boost of focus, but it can also lead to an equal and opposite crash later. Ephedra (ma huang) and Bitter Orange Extract fall in the same category but, interestingly, green coffee bean extract is something different.
Laxatives and Stimulants are the sledgehammers; the other kinds of supplement work in subtler ways, and there are some overlaps between them.
(3) Supporters/activators of hormones, either stimulating the pancreas or the liver, or supporting the adrenals or thyroid, or affecting blood sugar balance. Many of these work by virtue of high antioxidant contents which are generally helpful in reducing inflammation.
(4) Creators of a sense of satiety, either by physically providing bulk or by working with leptin, the so-called satiety hormone.
(5) Binders that prevent absorption of nutrients in general (and also bind up toxins and escort them out), not the same as a laxative or a bulking agent.
(6) Blockers of absorption of a specific nutrient (carbohydrate or fat).
(7) Alternative sources of fuel for the brain for sustained energy and reduced cravings
(8) Neurotransmitter supporters to improve mood and reduce cravings.

from http://www.whats4eats.com/beverages/sorrel-punch-recipe

That's it for this post! To recap: trust your b.s. meter, beware of letting go of fat and fluid too fast, and understand that there's a bunch of dross out there, but there are also many different types of supplement that may be helpful. All of the best ones are holistic--they're beneficial for other things than just weight loss--and often they're adaptogenic, which means they provide the support needed in the given environment, weight loss here, perhaps weight gain there.

In the next post, I'll give some examples of the eight categories outlined above and address the question of whether it's better to take a pill with a combination of contents, a single-herb pill, or go direct to the powder/leaf/bark/flower. The answer isn't as straightforward as you might guess.

Interlude: Staying on Earth, A Room of One's Own

2014-06-26T21:12:00.003-08:00

http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=719
I'm developing a conversation about who we are and how what we feed within us helps us be/become who we are; about the choice to eat or not to eat; about fasting and alternative sources of energy; about my own unique needs and how my explorations might pertain to others. And I'm talking about time vortices. All of it in the context of new to Tucson and new to having my own space.

But today I take a small interlude to mark the anniversary of the day I tried to end it all and ended up sticking around. That was a very, very different version of myself, in a dark place. This time last year I was waiting for a lot of blood, confused, liminal from a brief visit to the other side, probably somewhat relieved at bottom.
It's not something I speak of very much at all, and I haven't yet written about it concertedly either except right after the event, but that, I sense, is coming.
For now, this hot, peaceful day, I focus on gratitude that I am this new form of my old self, and that I am here.
I wore my healer's gold, which is actually green, perfect for me...

I welcomed the gift of affirmation cards by putting them up in the right places (I hope you ca read the affirmations on this mirror, itself a gift from Tom James).

I didn't return to life all changed and perfected--not in the least, to my disappointment at the time. We have to do our own work. My wise friend Janice, who's a mother, says "we all have to do our own push ups (and let our children do theirs)."
I'm now here to attest that a room of one's own can help with that. My bedroom isn't perfected yet, but here's how it looks now:

Yes, the bed is close enough to the ceiling that I hit my head sometimes. A good reminder that beds are for sleeping in, not living in! I'm going to get some glow in the dark strips for the lower beams. And some affirmations cards for the ceiling! You can see the rebounder, and the little desk where I have fun things like coloring pencils and mandalas, notebooks, pens, notecards to write to people, and a small selection of my favorite spiritual books to be rotated with those on the other shelves. There's also a walk-in closet and a huge bookshelf to the left of the photo.
There's a string of lights twined around the bed, and I got a red bulb for the lamp up in the bed area, since red light is supposed to be best for bedtime.

It's been almost part of my spirituality for so long to be able to lay my head down anywhere I was sent to. Creating an intentional space feels like a great affirmation of my continuing to choose life.

Time time time...what has become...

2014-06-25T21:19:00.001-08:00

http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=717
I talk about paradox a lot on here. And in fact, I experience and believe that STABILITY only exists as a result of INSTABILITY--

--I pick up one foot, push from the other, off balance, and set the foot down again before I fall over. And repeat. Running is thrilling (if your knees can handle it) because you're just constantly catching yourself.

But tonight I'm caught in the maze of paradoxes. If everything is so dynamic and mobile, how can we even apply a single word to a single object or person? (And of course, there was a Greek philosopher so perplexed by this very question that he gave up talking and would only wiggle his finger. Which is just avoiding the issue.)
This is somewhat provoked by my having spent the afternoon doing intake interviews getting healthcare stuff set up, and it reignited my whole puzzlement about that whole business of labeling people, how an set of symptoms can be identified in such different people, how the same medications can work for different people (how is any of it possible?) (although once you factor in different dosages and different combinations, that whole individualized chemistry lab can be pretty individualized!)
I joke often about the accidental homophony of "fasting" as in abstaining from food and "fast" as in rapid. (The "abstinence" fast comes from Old English and is related to the notion of holding firm and steadfast.) It's funny because fasting slows things down. Fasting, you notice time's passage in finer-grained detail, maybe because many physiological processes are slowed down, allowing keener, more detached focus. But in my own life right now, I'm finding that yes, I'm slowed down, but that I'm so attached to my bed in the mornings, I end up with much less day to enjoy the extra time. I am experimentation, and this is a useful finding.
Something to consider: I've also been reestablishing a meditation practice (on which more soon), on which my Dad said that one of the reasons he values his meditation practice so highly is that there's always so much more time in the day when he meditates. So meditation by itself may be sufficient for time expansion should I choose to scale back the fasting.
"The days are getting shorter," they lament, now that we've passed the Solstice (moving into contraction), but actually we still have the same 24 hours in a day, which is just as unpredictable as ever in terms of how long it actually takes. Agreed?
I am from the future as well as present and past, so I struggle with which "now" I'm in at a given moment, which should mean I'm somewhat free of time. And yet washing all my water bottles at the end of the day, or taking a shower, sweeping the floor, putting msm, vitamin C, lysine and glutamine in a cup of water and chugging it back, putting tea leaves in a pouch and making tea on the stove...Back to the slow of fast, maybe, but all those things seem to take an unbearable amount of time, to be extravagantly indulgent... And then I think of people who use a juicer every day, or who eat regularly... Where is all the time?
Okay--that's my plaint for the night. I'm locked out of time, and I don't know what I've done to attract that.
And this evening, my watch strap suddenly broke and my watch fell to the ground in the parking lot.

Starting to Talk Diet Again: Fruit

2014-06-23T17:14:00.002-08:00

http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=715

When I started this blog, it was pretty much a food blog, and pretty much a raw-vegan-oriented, gut-restoring/low sugar-oriented, permaculture/grow-your-own-food-oriented blog at that. I posted recipes more than once a week, I talked plants and herbs, I reviewed other bloggers' recipes.

That all stopped a couple years ago, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about food because it's such a tricky topic tied in with my general health and wellbeing. It's true, I am somewhat of a freak around food, but through recent self experimentation I've come to realize that--in certain respects--my body isn't that different from anyone else's. And, since I do have a near-freakish amount of knowledge about diet and nutrition, it's time to share some of this experience.

Why else should you listen to me? My perversity and paradoxical nature, which leaves me tripping along both sides of any line in clay or sand (or macronutrient balance) and thus able to channel both sides. Consider this:

(1) When put under strong pressure to go inpatient this last winter, I drove across the country instead--and am loving my new environment!

(2) Having gotten myself out of an unprecedented and horrendous binge-purge cycle, I am now fasting (sundown to sundown) every other day (even though I know that fasting can drive eating if you're not careful)!

And that's enough for about five blog posts right there...

Doorful of tinctures and potions--can't we just live on those?--but as you can see (bottom left) I still love carrots

...and I'll likely go on for at least five blog posts, as there is so much to talk about, so much to which many will relate, who wouldn't have expected me to be able to relate to them/you!

Today, though, I'm going to kick off with a renunciation of my ultimate redoubt of denial: fruit.
It's a funny cyclical serendipity that I was pretty much off fruit when I first started the blog, as it's the one food I've gravitated toward for much of my life and about which I've had almost magical beliefs. Renunciation doesn't always happen all at once. Fruit and its sugars have been controversial for as long as I've been studying nutrition, and as the voices grow ever more unanimous about the deleterious effects of sugar, fruit continues controversial. I've always so wanted it to be good and perfect...
I have believed:
(1) Fruit is humankind's most natural and ideal and perfect source of sustenance (cue Garden of Eden and fig leaves and happy bonobos).
(2) Fruit is easier to digest than anything else.
(3) (In my body at least): the sugar in fruit doesn't have the negative impact that other kinds of sugar have.

Myth (1) I really had to let go of this as soon as I studied any anthropology, but, more importantly, as soon as I became an arborist and tree carer. The truth:

Most fruit today is no more or less natural than any other man-made item, even as alive as it is. The peach tree whose fallen, bruised fruit were calling me and the clamoring craving colonies in my belly--none of its seeds could grow a fruit. The tree itself couldn't stand up by itself. Its fruit is so much sweeter than even drosophila can handle! It's analogous to those superbred turkeys that can't mate naturally anymore.

Note, by the way, "no more or less natural": two possibilities here: either (1) man-made = unnatural by definition or (2) anything man made is part of nature, as is man him/herself, so this peach is natural in the same way that a good quality home made bread might be.

Note, too--and this was the myth that I had to explode for myself: "natural" is not necessarily synonymous with "beneficial in your body" (am I really going to step on the "natural" rattlesnake?)

(2) Fruit seems to be easier to digest than anything else for me, and for the most part. I've gotten plenty sick from eating fruit too. How much of the ease is simply lifelong habit? And how much of the ease is because of the prevalence of simple sugar, in which case, is it feeding me or is it feeding a yeast colony? Some of the cravings I've dealt with recently suggest the latter, although I know that losing a lot of (non excess) weight last winter, moving across the country, and then doing a job that involved a lot of heavy lifting may have had something to do with that too.

It's a great question to keep asking, literally, metaphorically, with every turn of the attention, every absorption: Who am I feeding? What part of me? Symbiote? Commensal? Parasite? (And the etymologies of those three words deserve a post of their own.)

(3) Dovetailing nicely with the "who am I feeding" question is the belief that fruit's sugar is somehow different (at least for me), that its packaging with vitamins and fiber meant it didn't impact blood sugar. I was a fruitarian for about six years, and it probably saved my life at the time, bringing me back from an almost fatal low. It's true that in practice, when I moved to Hawaii--fruit heaven--I found myself much better off with more avocados, coconuts, and greens... but fruit remained the ideal. I have fruitarian-oriented friends, and I sense a righteousness to their choice; it seems almost like a religion.

Especially with all the hard physical work, and all the fasting, I've had the opportunity to feel really hungry at times. And I started to notice that when I ate a whole bunch of fruit, I didn't feel any less hungry than when I started--sometimes more hungry.

So that's when I got a blood glucose meter and started obsessively tracking my blood sugar. And that's for the next post. I'll close with an openended question: which data are more useful: "how you feel after eating something" or "a readout on a meter (which has some margin of error)" (Obviously, the answer is "both," but how do you weight the two kinds of data?)

Speechless Solstice

2014-06-22T15:30:00.002-08:00

http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=713

I lift up mine eyes unto the hills...

And my front door opens to big sky.

Tohono O'odham poetry by the roadside...

...and the birds fly up from the saguaro fruits and wait for me to pass.

My neighbors...

...see the aliens coming out?

...troglodytes, terracotta saguaro, detail within detail...

My front stoop--welcome (two mints and an aloe vera).

My backyard. Rabbitville. Cottontails and jacks. Any garden will have to be several feet off the ground.

Grateful to be here.

If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em

2014-06-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

And http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=711

Oh, I have so much to share here, and I'm dancing a long-form lesson in taking back the choice over my time and where it goes.

I spent five days last week with no refrigeration. I woke very early to an intense burning-rubber smell, which I finally tracked down to the defunct freezer. Fridge was okay but the smell was unbearable and I couldn't turn off one without the other. Anything like that happens anywhere near the weekend (Thursday--even Wednesday) and you're waiting until Monday.

Daytime temperatures were around 105--great temperatures for bacteria to grow. So, a good opportunity to grow some bugs! It was also several days of hauling blocks of ice and sacks of ice cubes--small potatoes after the 50lb chicken feed sacks, but heavy lifting nonetheless.
I started with my kombucha cultures. Some got black tea, some got green tea. Good old culture that I brought with me from HI, to AK via Oregon, and now AZ!

Then I grated up burdock, half a sweet potato, a bit of coconut, ginger, turmeric. I salted them and mashed them around with my hand--there's no water added to that mix, it's just the veggies' own juices. And yes, that's a kombucha bottle weighting it down! Friendly ferments...

And of course, I'd just opened a brown coconut when the fridge failed. I could have tried sun-drying the pieces but then I'd have had an army of ants. Mold was threatening to form already. So I blended it all up in the Vitamix as fine as I could, together with Irish Moss gel. [Irish Moss is an alga with a gelling action due to the long-chain polysaccharides, just like agar but it gels without needing to be heated.]

And then I opened some high-quality probiotic capsules into the mix. Covered loosely, let sit for a day, and then added to the cooler full of ice cubes.
Honestly, I'm not certain that the bacteria I wanted are the ones I got. I'm a little afraid of the coconut cheese -- had a bit of it one evening and was sick as a dog, but it could have been something else (I'm also not sure that Irish Moss works in this body).

I'm enjoying the trial and error with the bugs in this new environment.
The fridge finally arrived at 11pm Monday night. Obnoxiously late, especially when I'd finished unloading the coolers, mopping the floor, etc. etc...

And of course, when something isn't an issue, you don't think about it anymore. I'm not constantly rotating food, draining coolers (and using the water to mop the floor or flush the toilet), going out for more ice)...and it just becomes a no brainer. But, especially not having had a decent refrigeration set-up at my former abode with the chicken folks, I am grateful grateful grateful every single day, whether I'm eating or not, that my food is being held from this weather, that I can choose whether or not I want to grow bugs! I wish the same for my own body.
I wish for everyone good, positive bugs--commensals rather than parasites.

Sacred Space, The Inner and the Outer, Crowdsourcing Selfcare

2014-06-13T17:10:00.003-08:00

And at: http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=709

I put my candles on my altar-windowsill, my north-facing bedroom window (my "spiritual growth" direction in Feng Shui), and left for the afternoon.
When I came home and entered the bedroom, I laughed out loud!

Here's a closeup of the left one. Dying swan, anyone? Or maybe a snake.

I'm loving how I run into unexpected differences, although this was, of course, entirely predictable (even facing north).

Before I moved in here, it was very clear to me that I wanted this to be a sacred space. I envisioned a quiet, beautiful, well-ordered space, tidier than some of my spaces have been, from which I could move forth into the world, and into which I could receive and welcome other people while protecting my own energy. An outer space to reflect and co-create my inner space.
That's what I'm creating. It's also an opportunity to learn things about myself. For example, that I don't necessarily want matching crockery!

There's somewhat of a theme to what I picked out, although the top right green-bordered white ones I bought because they are identical to some I bought in Homer, AK--in that case I got a kick out of matching. But the floral one on the right is an English china Wedgwood; I was channeling my mum when I picked it out. And the small squared glass saucer is something my English grandmother would have had.

The other side of sacred inward space, though, is going out into the world. Especially having been so busy recently, I realize I haven't done so much of that. Going out into the world requires some support, especially with some of the challenges I deal with. I've been resisting the urge to crowdsource my therapy by venting on my blog or bleating on Facebook. But I can see why my doctor was so concerned that I have care set up before I arrived here. I still don't. And in the recent stressful time my eating issues have driven me almost crazy. What I'm doing right now feels better to me but I know (because I told Phil about it, sorry Phil) that my friends would not think it's a good idea. That's all I'm going to say. I think I've talked inappropriately about such issues on this blog before, and I hope the fact that I'm consciously (and conscientiously) not doing so now, while admitting that there's an issue, will reassure people that things aren't so bad.

I am on my way to getting some care stuff set up. I'm excited to be part of a community (Facebook, virtual, actual, and all) where we all listen to and take care of each other, but not as a substitute for medical care. And I'm here to listen.

Come Sleep on My Couch!

2014-06-11T21:00:00.003-08:00

And at: http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=707

I really mean it! Just getting back into my own rhythm here, and I wish to be conscious about my choices going forward so that I may live by my own rhythms rather than constantly be in reactive mode. I'm sure many of you can relate to how challenging it can be to hold that space. How ironic, having moved across the country off my own bat I've been feeling like a piece of modeling clay lately. I'm all for flexibility, but there needs to be a core.

Back to the couch--I'm just so thrilled to be able to offer "crash space" to visiting friends with comfort, expansiveness (nice big futon folds out), clean sheets.

As I work my way back into this online space and more of a regular program I look forward to easing in with more of the home tour. So, just south of the couch (sitting room/guest bedroom) is my office!

At the time of the photo, the office was engulfed by some last-minute corrections for my dictionary job, hence unruly scraps of paper and the giant dictionary is on the middle shelf behind the office chair. As of today, there are books on the shelf.

It's been well over 100 degrees F (over 40 Celcius) ever since I got back from my work trip to Pittsburgh. Although I haven't spent that much time outside yet, alas, I have to confess: I am LOVING the heat! I've been running a small fan at my computer, and I do generally have the a/c on in my car, but I've only been turning on the swamp cooler in my house for a little while in the evenings, and sometimes not even that. The only uncomfortable thing, aside from other people's (especially businesses) too-cold a/c, is wearing fewer clothes. I'm so used to being shrouded and bundled, and walking around with actual skin above my wrists and ankles and below my neck is awkward.

Love, light, and warmth to everyone--and welcome to my home!

I'm back! I was here all along! Integrity, or Selfishness?

2014-06-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=705

So, I moved to Arizona and vanished! I stopped answering emails and letters, failed to send promised letters, disappeared from Facebook. Sometimes I didn't process a paycheck or overlooked a check in the mail because I simply didn't have time to attend to anything.
But wait--wasn't I supposed to be moving on to the next, better, more empowered, sunnier phase of my life?

Well, yes, I was. And those solar panels augured a return to low-impact, conscious living, as in my Hawaii days. As Phil pointed out--and he met me in Hawaii and happened to be in AZ right when I arrived--it also augured a return to working extremely hard for other people, as I did there, so that I'd never feel satisfied with the work, inevitably small contribution to neverending chores, and would also never have the energy to do my own creative work. That Phil, love him. He has quite the habit of being right.
I always want to be of great service when I'm of service. And there is always more to do. When I first showed up, I worked all hours on the farm. I got better at guarding "my own" time but only because my work obligations mounted and mounted.
And sometimes the chores are tedious, sometimes stinky, and then there was the "attack rooster" storyline which was probably the last anyone heard of me on Facebook.
And these feed sacks. They're 50lbs...

...if you know how small I am, you can imagine that deadlifting them from an obstacle-strewn floor and humping them out the door, maybe half a dozen on a heavy (pun intended) day, would be wearying.

Meanwhile I took on an editing client here in town who likes my work very much, and it was RWW-thesis-proofreading season, and my dictionary job stepped up the pace too. This is not an excuse but an explanation of my disappearance.

I'm back! I had to pull myself back! All the times I've spoken of the "unmilked cow" feeling from not writing...after this six weeks or so of overwork plus physical chores I'm beyond unmilked cow maybe into worn-out leather territory! Worn-out leather that holds a stiff shape only tangentially connected to how it used to look. And it's funny how "lack of writing" is both a symptom and a result of failure of self care.

Once I'd gotten clear that things had to change--and THANK YOU, my friends whose advice I asked, all of whom unanimously counseled me to reclaim my life and move--I meditated and imagined what sort of a home I'd like to live in. A small, but spacious self-contained house. Ground outside for growing things. Set back from the road but not behind a gate. A certain price range I had in mind. And I kept an eye on Craigslist. And uncannily soon, I found it!

More pictures soon when I give you the tour, but this was the bare-bones walk through. A little house (half of a duplex) with separate bedroom/main room/bathroom/kitchen--I've never had such expansion in my whole life before! A big yard in the back, too. I know this isn't exactly a great time of year to start gardening in Tucson (it's been well over 100 degrees the last several days) but plenty of time, right? Having a whole inside-of-a-house to furnish and organize just as I please is its own kind of gardening.

I even like that it's nondescript on the outside. Sacred space. Sacred space has been my main intention.
I worked chickens through the end of the month save a four-day trip to Pittsburgh to work on a book. Returned from Pittsburgh, did some final chores, moved!

I've spent three nights here so far, not entirely unpacked, and I have such a good feeling about it.
I struggled with intense guilt about letting down the chicken farmers, being a flake, being selfish, not keeping my word. But I also know with deep knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, without even going into the terrible self-care habits I was sinking into in that situation, and this selfishness means that I have a better chance of being able to give more. To write to my friends and on my blog, for example!

It is good to be back.

What Was I Saying By How Much I Fed The Chickens?

2014-04-23T20:01:00.002-08:00

Also at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=702

A couple days ago, I got called out for overfeeding the chickens. Slightly, the turkeys too.

The young chicks are so numerous and so voracious, there's no chance of overfeeding them--I'm hauling out a 50lb sack of their feed every other day, and every morning their bowls are picked clean.

But the feed is too expensive to have it ending up on the ground because the chickens not cleaning it up well due to abundance.
Ooh, way to chastise and chasten me! You all know how much I dislike waste. Chickens, with their ability to clean up, are patron saints of the blessed realization that there is no such thing as waste, so I could have blamed on myself pretty hard for making very-chickens wasteful! But I haven't been beating up on myself quite so much of late, since all that time on the road. Just like the "injuring the attack-rooster" incident (which I shared on Facebook and may tell in more detail here as things shape up), I'm recognizing that this is part of the learning curve. In fact, it's part of "knowing what you're looking at" once again--knowing how to gauge food consumption.

As I fed this morning, I was meditating on what feeding these chickens meant to me--why it was that I'd ended up overfeeding them. Turned out, my heuristic hadn't been "Chickens need x amount of food per day." Instead, it had been "I'm feeding someone else's chickens and I really want to show that I'm responsible and reliable." If there's visibly food in their feeders, the message is "I won't neglect your precious birds." In retrospect, I might have communicated my worth more appropriately by underfeeding: "I treat your expensive feed with respect."

I'm glad to have taken the metaphoring and nonverbal communicating out of the "how much feed will they eat?" equation. Who knew so much could be said with farm chores?

***Diving in in medias res*** I know it's been over two weeks since my last post, and that this is my first post from my new abode! The easiest way to break a hiatus is simply to dive into the middle of it, so, voilà. As I continue to ponder my "dual blog and what is the blog about anyway" existential challenge, though, it does occur to me that a continual thread of mine is investigation of metaphors, so I'm contemplating how that might be promoted and centralized.
Otherwise, here I am--what do you want to hear about?

Sending desert love!
Ela.

Naming What I See, Naming Time

2014-04-03T21:38:00.002-08:00

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=700
In my previous post, I mentioned developing a mindfulness practice of bringing awareness: to what I'm experiencing by naming it. Very often, naming equates to differentiation: what I am seeing is remarkable (i.e. I'm remarking upon it) because it is different from other things I see.
Within a couple hours of leaving the Bay Area yesterday, I got up into the high country and have been back in snows, above treeline, back down again and up again. Fascinating what a barometer the trees are. Or an altimeter--get too high up and they disappear. These scrubby silver-green shrubs give such a monochrome cast to the scenery. Much of the Nevada stretch of my journey yesterday and today looked like this; even more monochrome when more overcast. I passed a flock of sheep who all looked the same color as the shrubs around them.
Something else, though, that I sought to put a name to, was the quality of the sky.

It looked like this in northern CA, in Mt. Shasta country, also. The "difference" is how the clouds stack three dimensionally, at the same not-very-great height but one behind the other, as if suspended above a stage set. It says big sky, broad mountains, the clouds like speech bubbles in between them.

This is Bryce Canyon. Snow on red rock, labyrinth of the mind.

The "natural bridge" blew me away, but this photograph doesn't do it justice.

Utah is one hour ahead of CA, NV--and AZ, since AZ, very sensibly, doesn't participate in the daylight savings nonsense. I got a late start this morning after driving too late last night, later than I had energy for, and when I crossed into UT and learned (smart phone!) that I'd "lost" an hour, I repined a little--even less time to do stuff. But with the next heartbeat, I decided not to consider it an hour lost. I'd been gaining and losing elevation for two days straight, but my ears could always pop. I, of all people, well know that time cannot be lost.

Overdue Update! Car Trouble, Seven Pictures, Knowing What You See

2014-04-01T11:18:00.003-08:00

Also at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=697
I'm still alive, and I'm in Berkeley! I was offline for four days of the ferry from Haines to Bellingham, then some serious driving, some wonderful hospitality, and catching up with dear, dear friends whom I haven't seen in way too long. Interesting that when I was in England last fall, I found myself telling people it wouldn't be so long until the next time I saw them (it had been three years that time). And now in the Bay Area, I've been saying the same thing to my friends here. Conceptually, AZ feels so much closer to everything/everywhere. My car has come down with a bunch of fairly serious issues. I'm so glad I caught it yesterday and so grateful that my friends have a mechanic they trust who is taking care of the issues today. In my first post from the road, my lesson 2, in part, was not to over-worry about noises or smells my car may or may not have been emitting, so it's interesting that the rider to that lesson now is to follow intuition. When the road pavement was washboarded and it sounded like a blown-out tire, I was glad to recognize that there was no need to worry along those lines. On the other hand, taking my car to the mechanic this morning because "it might be nothing but it's a specific noise that happens in a specific context that wasn't happening until last night" may have averted a breakdown in the middle of nowhere.
I'm sitting here with the atlas and trying to figure out the best route from here to Bryce Canyon, where I want to stop on my way to Tucson, preparing my spirit for the next reach.
In WA, OR, and CA the past four days have been full of torrential rain, with some thunder and lightning. Very different driving than in AK, very different flora. It was sweet to see my first palm tree a little ways north of Sacramento, my first prickly pears on the 405 west of Sacramento.
So much is different, of course. My conception of how many miles I can cover in a given time changes depending on the roads--the "220 miles = ca. 5 hours" based on Homer-to-Anchorage algorithm is gone. Stop-go traffic for over four hours in the Seattle area on Friday; three hundred miles in less than five hours on Saturday morning.
Different, too, being in an area with fruit trees everywhere, and produce stores everywhere. I'm so habituated to there being maybe three places in town where produce is available, and that's all for about seventy miles.

With all the friends I've visited, it's been as though no time had elapsed, although we hadn't seen each other for seven years. This gives me some hope and good feelings about preserving the precious friendships I just drove away from in AK. There is something so grounding about these enduring friendship connections: that they exist, that they continue even with nothing physical supporting them. As I pay attention to my own relationship with, orientation toward, connection with, the outside world, recently I've often become aware of being on autopilot; of looking at things and simply not knowing what I'm looking at. Without labeling, without judgment, I've been using my gift of language to put words, very very simple words, to what I'm seeing, using them as little mantras to bring myself to the present. Also, of understanding what I'm seeing to compare it to what I've seen elsewhere; to acknowledge and understand how one place differs from the next place. It is deepening my engagement with this transition, so that I'm inhabiting the place in which I currently am, rather than just blowing on through lost in my head.

Here are some pictures of what I've been seeing.
Snowy conifers from the boat:

Snowclad mountains in the distance; snows receding in the foreground:

Ketchikan--still in AK but a whole different climate. Mountain and ocean right there together--land at the dock and the road goes straight up. Some of the town hewn straight through native rock:

Crocuses and buds in Ketchikan:

A standard view at an opening between two stores in Ketchikan's front. Many big generic touristy stores; many businesses closed; Ketchikan is bigger than Homer but evidently much more seasonal and dependent on the tourists on the summer cruise ships and ferries. There were a couple stores with the strident label "We are staffed by natives of Ketchikan and are open year round to serve our community," with a strong implication of all the negatives of these affirmations. Not everyone loves the tourists!

My camera didn't come out for those three days of driving and visiting. This is Cafe Borrone in Menlo Park, which I never visited when I lived there but is now the place where I reconnected with two lovely friends.

And this is the view from my friends' porch. Oh, I spent so many hours here when I lived in Berkeley. Oh what dear friends, how good it is to see them!

More soon when I'm back on the road! And more awareness around seeing. I always hear what I'm hearing, so it's interesting to be paying more attention to seeing like this! Anyone else?

Last Post from Alaska -- Eight Pictures, Five Anticipated Changes, Unifier of Friends

2014-03-24T12:58:00.000-08:00

After another stunning drive, I reached Haines in the middle of yesterday, and this evening I'll be on the ferry bound for Bellingham and the Lower 48.
That ferry ride neatly bisects my trip, and I've been reflecting on some of the changes to expect.

Change 1: I expect to exchange empty roads and very cold weather for increasingly warmer weather and more heavily trafficked roads. "Cold and empty roads" means one can pull over--gawk, breathe; pee, even--wherever one pleases.
At sites like Lake Dezadeash, just south of Haines Junction...

Turning around and photographing from the same spot...

Cold means descending a stairwell of spruce back into the US, to a sudden cathedral of winter-bare cottonwoods.

Just past the ferry terminal east of Haines is Lake Chilkoot. I hiked there yesterday afternoon, getting my final lungfuls of glacial air. The air was above freezing, but you can see how deep the snow is: check out that buried interpretive sign.

This is the outflow from the lake--thaw underway; check out that straight and sheer drop of frozen waterfall.

Other changes involve how what gear I have on hand and how available it is.
Change 2: No more cleats and boots. Normally, my very heavy duty ice cleats live in the gutter of my driver-side door--sometimes I can't get out of the car without putting them on. I wouldn't have been able to hike without them yesterday.
Don't think I'm going to need them that handy anymore! Likewise the kneeboots I've been wearing all winter. My sneakers will probably come out come Bellingham!

Change 3: No more snow shovel and ice scraper! I have a small snow shovel and good-sized ice scraper in the back of the car, and even as loaded as it is now, those items are up at the top of the pile. Some repacking soon will disappear them, I think.

Change 4: Coats. Usually I wear my North Face down jacket with a heavy duty (and very high visibility!) fisherman's waterproof coat over the top of it. And a fleece vest underneath, and a sweater, a long-sleeve, and a T-shirt under that. The pocket-patting dance as I try to figure out where my keys/wallet/phone/notebook got slung is pure comedy, I'm sure. Now we're going for streamlined.

Likewise, my cooler up to this point has been for preventing apples and carrots from freezing (while trying to keep frozen peas frozen); onward, I suspect the cooler will reflect its name more accurately.

Change 5: Plethora. The flip side of being in a more densely populated area will be the plethora of offerings available. More high-speed Internet, more organic produce--more produce period; more cellphone coverage...More old friends too, although I'm going to miss so many friends in Homer and Anchorage.

That's the common thread. Dear friends here, dear friends there, dear friends wherever I go. As introvert as I am; as poor at expressing this appreciation, I am so thankful for the love by which I feel myself surrounded and protected and blessed on this journey.

Thank you.