Ultra-Condensed Movies

Guest Post: My Week with Marilyn

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:45:00 +0000

Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is 1956]

Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.

His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.

[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]

Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!

Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!

Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.

[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]

Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.

Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.

Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.

Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.

Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!

Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!

Freckled Youth: Please?

Hermione Granger: OK.

[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]

Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.

[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]

Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!

[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]

Freckled Youth: She's amazing.

Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!

[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]

Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.

Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.

[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]

Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.

[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]

Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!

Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.

Freckled Youth: And how!

[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]

Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??

Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?

[she FLIPS OUT]

Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.

[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]

Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?

Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.

[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]

Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!

[he GETS a WATER boner]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.

Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.

[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]

Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.

Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.

[she PASSES OUT]

Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.

Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!

Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!

[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]

Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.

Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?

Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.

[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]

Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.

[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]

Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?

Freckled Youth: Week?

The Skin I Live In

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 15:40:00 +0000

[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]

Drive

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:17:00 +0000

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]

X-Men: First Class

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 03:16:00 +0000

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

Guest Post: Reality Bites

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 13:44:00 +0000

Oh hey guys! This blog still exists! Frequent guest poster and keeper-of-the-flame Laura McClain wrote something so we don't look like total slackers! Thank god. She notes, however:

I should add the disclaimer that I loved this movie in college, and I still kind of like it now, even though it is the predecessor to "Rent", by which I mean one cannot watch it as an adult without having minor rage-strokes. You know you're an adult when you scream "get a fucking job, you hippies!" about 30 times in the viewing of one movie. I weep for my youth.

Anna again. I just noticed that this poster is so 90s. "buzz words." "channel surfing." Amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the EARLY 90s like WHOA]

Winona Ryder: Fellow graduates! How can we repair the damage that's been done to us by commercial culture? Heed my hipster call to action!

[the CORE group of friends PARTY on a ROOF, documentary-style. A CLOVERFIELD MONSTER does not ATTACK them]

Steve Zahn: Graduation, woo!

Janeane Garafolo: Conjunction junction what's your function?

[she SLEEPS with SOME dude in her 70s-THEMED bedroom and ADDS him to her EFF LIST]

Ethan Hawke: I'm coming to crash on your couch without asking and with no intention of ever paying rent, ever.

Winona Ryder: He will turn this house into a den of slack.*

Ethan Hawke: HOW DARE YOU. I am ABOVE getting a fucking JOB and you should know that!

[he FONDLES his GREASY hair and SMOKES some WEED]

Janeane Garafolo: I'm a manager at the GAP now! Look at me sell these easy-fits! It's liberating, isn't it?*

[she and Winona DRIVE and SING and CAUSE a CAR ACCIDENT with YUPPIE Ben Stiller]

Winona Ryder: Don't sue me, please! I'm poor and have an adorable haircut!

Ben Stiller: I am taken with your youthful idealism.

[he TAKES her on a DATE and Ethan Hawke MOCKS him though he has NO LEG to STAND on, EVER]

Winona Ryder: Hey boss, can I feature my sensitive hipster documentary on your chipper morning show aimed at the elderly? Now THAT'S understanding your target audience!

John Mahoney: Just give me my fucking cup of coffee.

[she TRICKS him into SAYING he likes VERY YOUNG GIRLS on-air and is FIRED]

Winona Ryder: No biggie! I was valedictorian, I can get another job! We're not even in a recession (yet).

[she TRIES and FAILS]

Swoozie Kurtz: Honey, just get a job at the Burger-Matic!

Winona Ryder: Noooooooo! Unexpected David Spade cameo!

[there are NUMEROUS references to SELLING OUT though NOBODY seems to KNOW what that MEANS]

Janeane Garafolo: Can you maybe pay some rent? And stop calling psychics on 800 numbers? (90s!)

Winona Ryder: FINE. I'll just use the gas card my dad is paying for to get some cash. Integrity?

Janeane Garafolo: I'm scared that I have AIDS and my funeral will be like a scene out of "Melrose Place."

Winona Ryder: "Melrose Place" is a REALLY good show.*

[they LAUGH because of FRIENDSHIP]

Ben Stiller: I sold your documentary to my aggressively hip MTV-style TV channel!

Winona Ryder: Hooray!

Ethan Hawke: NOOOOOO! SELLOUTS!!!!

Steve Zahn: Time to come out to my parents. I am still in this movie.

[he and Janeane REHEARSE his COMING OUT and it RULES]

Steve Zahn: Got kicked out of my house. Not super fun in real life.

Ben Stiller: Time for the documentary premiere!

Winona: I bought a new babydoll dress!

Ethan Hawke: You look like a doily.*

Winona Ryder: I should really hate you so, so much, but I don't?

[they GO to SEE the MOVIE and its INTEGRITY has been DESTROYED by a PIZZA GRAPHIC]

Winona Ryder: MY IDEALISM!!!

Ethan Hawke: Time to swoop in for the kill. I love you. [he GIVES PUPPY DOG EYES]

[they DO IT and his HAIR is SO GREASY, I can't EVEN HANDLE it, YOU GUYS]

Winona Ryder: That was so great. Everything is perfect now!

Ethan Hawke: [HIPSTER FREAKOUT]

Ben Stiller: I'm so sorry that I didn't protect the integrity of your stupid movie. Let's go to New York and fix this. I literally could not be a better boyfriend.

Ethan Hawke: Hey, bitch. Sorry I bailed this morning, but not really. I'm probably going to be mean to you, always. And possibly set your house on fire. Peace out.

[he DEDICATES a RUDE and OBSCENE song to HER, because he is PREDICTABLY in a TERRIBLE BAND]

Winona Ryder: WHOM SHALL I CHOOSE???

[she PINES in MONTAGE FORM and MISTAKES several GREASE MONKEYS for Ethan, whilst SMOKING all the CIGARETTES]

Winona Ryder: I must go to him!

Ethan Hawke: Hey, I'm back. My dad died. I guess this is supposed to excuse my behavior? Maybe? I love you, I guess. Whatever.

[he CRIES and it is DISGUSTING]

Winona Ryder: I have totally made the right decision.

[they MOVE OUT of the APARTMENT, presumably because they can no longer AFFORD it]

Me: [Throws LAPTOP across ROOM]

Broadway Extra: Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 20:31:00 +0000

I have never done a review of anything but a movie on this site, but this shit cost more than a lot of movies to make, so we're making an exception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is A PLACE]
Geek Chorus: Hi! We're the geek chorus!
Girl Geek: I'm a girl! What!
Geek Chorus: We're here to try and serve the purpose of making this some sort of parallel universe to the already-established Spider-Man universe. Will it work? Probably not! Let's sing about it!
Girl Geek: But what about Arachne?!?!
Geek Chorus: Uhhhhh...I'm not super-sure how that's related but ok.
[ARACHNE is there with AERIALISTS who WEAVE A THING and it is PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY]
Arachne: I want to die because Athena was mean to me!
[she HANGS herself, I guess]
Peter Parker: ...and that's the story of Arachne. She became a spider!
Bullies: Nerd!! You gave a report and are a nerd. Also you are not wearing yellow, nerd!!
Peter Parker: Guys, please don't beat me up! Especially not while dancing!!
[they DO that, and the dance-fighting is FINE but the song is called "Bullying by Numbers" which is NOT A THING/PHRASE]
Mary Jane: Sorry your life sucks. Mine does too! We live in Queens!
[a ONE-MILLION DOLLAR SUBWAY TRAIN MODEL drives by]
Peter Parker: Really?! Can we sing a super-self-pitying song about it? Together, but separately?
[he WALKS on a TREADMILL]
Mary Jane: As long as I can sing real high!
MJ's Dad: I am terrible, but fortunately you'll never see me again!
Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Are we characters? Not really! I guess we don't understand teenagers!
Peter Parker: Oh man my life sucks so hard!! I don't even really have a plan to get out of it. Oh well!
[meanwhile, at a SCIENCE PLACE]
Norman Osborn: Listen up, science team. I've given you all silver coats to look extra-sciencey, and I'm southern for some reason, but don't let that distract you from our real goal: something!
Emily Osborn: Yes! Goals!
Science Lackey: There are some high school students here to tour the lab!
Norman Osborn: Great, that's not unsafe at all! Bring them down here.
[they do a NUMBER about "doing it to yourself" because it's a DIY WORLD]
My Friend Deborah: I think a fair amount of teenage boys are already doing it to themselves.
Emily Osborn: The spider. SHE'S MISSIN'!!!!* WHY ARE WE SOUTHERN?!
Spider: I am a cool puppet and going to bite you!! Hahahahaha!
Peter Parker: Oh no! I feel different!
[he wakes up on the CEILING of his ROOM, which has WALLS that MOVE]
Peter Parker: Oh man, I'm awesome now! I'm bouncing off the walls! Literally!
[he sings a song called "Bouncing Off the Walls" that MAY or MAY NOT have other lyrics]
Geek Chorus: Now he needs a suit!
Girl Geek: Boys can't sew, haha! Gender roles.
[Peter Parker appears in a "HILARIOUSLY" terrible outfit]
Peter Parker: Now I will wrestle this inflatable wrestler and win some money! Yes!!
[he DOES, and it is SORT OF FUNNY]
Announcer: He's going Sunday, Bloody Sunday on his opponent!* U2 LOL
Bully: Oh no! My car is being stolen!
Peter Parker: I ain't care!
Uncle Ben: Oh no! I got run over and am dying! Peter, with great power comes...wait, that's dumb. Rise above! RISE ABOVE!!!
Peter Parker: Rise above what? That doesn't make any sense!
Arachne: Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
[she gives him his SPIDEY SUIT because she is good at WEAVING or something]
Peter Parker: Hooray! Now I will stop bad guys!!
[he DOES, while FLYING using TECHNOLOGY]
Bad Guys: We have big, papier-mache looking heads! Are we incongruous with the rest of the show? Yes! But do we look cool?! Sort of!
[a HUGE HAND of Spider-Man catches a HUGE BABY]
J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? I hate him! For no reason! Get me pictures!!!
Norman Osborn: That guy stole my spider!
The Military: Yes, and you must get to work on your new research!
Norman Osborn: Why?
The Military: We don't know, but here is a song!
[they MARCH while wearing BOOTY SHORTS]
Norman Osborn: Those booty shorts have convinced me! I must experiment on myself!
Emily Osborn: No! Don't!
Norman Osborn: But our life will be better! Let me convince you through song!
[he gets into a PLASTIC BALL that cost FIVE MILLION DOLLARS and becomes the GREEN GOBLIN]
Emily Osborn: I died somehow!!!
J. Jonah Jameson: Reporters, what's going on?
Reporters: We will tell you, but not show you! It's just like Greek drama - boring!
[the TYPING POOL swivels on their ROLLING CHAIRS, though it is 2011 and there ARE NO TYPING POOLS]
Spider-Man: I am the best!
Norman Osborn: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I'll get you, Spider-Man!
[he DOES, and they FIGHT in the SKY and there is a PIANO]
Peter Parker: I'll save you, Mary Jane!
[he DOES, and the Green Goblin DIES]
Geek Chorus: Wait, so now that he's dead, how does our story continue? More villains, I guess?
Girl Geek: Yep, that'll be Act Two!
Arachne: What about me?
Geek Chorus: Oh yeah, you too! Everybody in the pool!!
[there is a VILLAIN FASHION SHOW]
Geek Chorus: Swiss Miss? Who the fuck is that?
Girl Geek: I just made her up!*
Geek Chorus: You can't do that!*
Girl Geek: I JUST DID.* And named her after a hot chocolate, bitchessssssss
[a RASTAFARIAN with a BUCKET DRUM appears]
Rastafarian: [singing] Spider-Man!!!!
Peter Parker: It's taking up too much time to be Spider-Man AND do all my jobs AND be with Mary Jane, who has apparently shot to stardom on Broadway in just one year. I need a nap.
Arachne: Hello, Spider-Man. I'm your dream girl. Like, I am literally in your dream. Turn off the dark.
Peter Parker: What does that mean?!
[they MAKE OUT in the SKY]
Mary Jane: I can't do this anymore, Peter!
Peter Parker: No, wait!
[he THROWS OUT his SPIDEY SUIT]
Arachne: I made that for you!!!!!
[she sings about how she is PISSED, maybe? there are SPIDER LADIES that are pretty cool]
Peter Parker: Ah, not being Spider-Man is the best!
Green Goblin: I'm back!!
Peter Parker: But I killed you!
Green Goblin: No you didn't! Look, all the villains are alive again!
[they go on a RAMPAGE that is largely VIDEO-BASED]
Peter Parker: Marry me, MJ!
Mary Jane: Um, what, okay?
Arachne: Oh hellllllllll no! What does she have that I don't have? Two legs and a pair of shoes?* BRING ME ALL THE SHOES
[they LITERALLY do a number about SHOES]
Sexy Spider Ladies with Eight Legs: A freak like me needs company!* Ladies be lovin' shoes!! LOL
Peter Parker: Okay, I am going to be Spider-Man again somehow. But I lost my powers! But I will still defeat the villains!
[he DOES, inexplicably]
Peter Parker: How did that all happen?
Arachne: It was ILLUSIONS!!!!
Peter Parker: So...all of Act Two was a dream? Fuck you, Arachne.
Arachne: Haha! I have Mary Jane! Now you must marry me or I will kill her!
Peter Parker: Don't kill her! I love her! I will be yours if you just let her go!
Arachne: Wait, I just decided just now that you can never truly be mine, since you love her, though I already knew that you loved her. So I will let you both go! But please kill me!
Peter Parker: I can't kill you!! I am too moral!
Arachne: Somehow your refusal to kill me broke a curse I had on me! Now I can die in peace. If you're a woman, you should either be married or dead. Goodbyeeeee!!
[she ASCENDS on a NOOSE]
Mary Jane: Hooray! Now you can be Spider-Man again!
Peter Parker: Yes, that solved everything, apparently!!!
[they KISS UPSIDE-DOWN like in the MOVIE]
Geek Chorus: Did you guys forget about us? Good, because we are not coming back to wrap this up! BURN

The Adjustment Bureau

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 23:06:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
Matt Damon: Hello! I am handsome and also down-to-earth because I'm from Brooklyn and an orphan! I was the youngest congressman ever, and now I want to be your senator! Too bad I mooned my buddy at my college reunion...that's gonna hurt my chances.
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Dude, we'll get through this.
John Slattery: Take care of this, generically handsome black dude.
Anthony Mackie: I have a name! I was in The Hurt Locker and I also once played Tupac! But yes, I am definitely handsome. And I'm on this.
[they DO NOT take care of it, and Matt Damon LOSES the election]
Matt Damon: Aw man. I'm just gonna go rehearse my concession speech in the men's room.
Emily Blunt: Um, hi, hello, I'm in here, being super-pretty. And hiding from security.
Matt Damon: Uh...okay?
Emily Blunt: You're running for Senate, right? I liked when you mooned your friend. It made you seem like a person instead of a politician.
[they CONNECT and KISS and then she RUNS AWAY, literally, because SECURITY is after her]
Matt Damon: You know what? That pretty, possibly criminal lady in the men's room was right. I'm going to be EVEN MORE down-to-earth.
[he gives THE BEST SPEECH wherein he talks about FOCUS GROUPS for TIES and SHOES]
New York: Oh man, you are the best! We will vote for you another time!! But for now, you have to go have a job.
John Slattery: Okay, listen, Anthony Mackie. You have to make sure he spills his coffee on himself in Gramercy Park, or the plan is going to be messed up.
Anthony Mackie: I will do it!
[he FALLS ASLEEP, probably due to SHAKE SHACK FUMES, and Matt Damon makes the BUS]
Matt Damon: Oh, hello, same pretty lady from the bathroom. You are still really pretty and also I like you a lot.
Emily Blunt: Let's flirt in a charming way!
[they REALLY DO and it is CUTE and she gives him her NUMBER HAYYYYY]
Me: OH MY GOD they are on the M6 and it literally just drove by the movie theater we are in right now!!!! I AM IN NEW YORK AND SO IS THIS MOVIE
John Slattery: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit he was not supposed to get her number!!!
Anthony Mackie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt
[they FREEZE TIME in Matt Damon's OFFICE so they can make ADJUSTMENTS]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone, I'm -- bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!
[he is KIDNAPPED into a BIG WAREHOUSE]
Matt Damon: What's going on here? I demand answers! I am important and handsome!!
John Slattery: Ah, but you forget: we are also very handsome.
Anthony Mackie: And we have dapper hats on.
Matt Damon: I don't care how many fedoras you have, I want the truth!!
John Slattery: You're a smart guy, I guess we can level with you. So...basically we are sort of like angels or something? We work for The Chairman, who might be God maybe? Anyway, we have these plans for every human, which are contained in Moleskine notebooks, and we need to keep your plan on track. You were not supposed to see that pretty lady again.
Matt Damon: But I love her, I think? Though I just met her?
John Slattery: NOPE. Not in the plan. And also you can't tell anyone about us or we'll reset you and everyone will think you're crazy. Move on with your life.
Matt Damon: I will never forget her. Never!!
[THREE YEARS pass]
Matt Damon: OMGGGG it's the pretty lady from three years ago!! Stop the bus!!
Emily Blunt: Um...so why didn't you call me?
Matt Damon: I lost your number! I swear! I've been taking the M6 every day for three years hoping to see you again!! Just come on a walk with me and have a chat.
[they take a "WALK" that starts in Union Square, then goes to the WEST VILLAGE, then apparently ends in CENTRAL PARK, which, hello, LOOK AT A MAP]
John Slattery: Dammit, Anthony Mackie! You are really bad at this job!
Anthony Mackie: This isn't my fault! He just ran into her. But now we have to make sure they don't kiss, or they will be difficult to separate, because life is very similar to fairy tales in that the kiss of true love is a thing that happens.
[they make MORE ADJUSTMENTS so that the kiss DOES NOT HAPPEN]
Emily Blunt: I'll see you at my dance studio, Cedar Lake!
Matt Damon: This time, I'm not going to lose her.
John Slattery: Oh yes you are!!!
[they try to THWART him for like EVER using their ADJUSTMENT POWERS, including fucking up his PHONE, fucking up ALL THE PHONES in a 3-block radius, and CRASHING a TAXI]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone in this restaurant? Has anyone been to a dance show at someplace called Cedar Lake?
Conveniently Placed Restaurant Patron: Why yes, crazy person! It's on 26th and 10th!
Matt Damon: Ha ha, angel guys! I win!!
[he FINDS the studio]
Anthony Mackie: Maybe they won't fall in love!
John Slattery: It's too late. He's already seen her dance.*
[they go back to the ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and do some RESEARCH in a bunch of FILE CABINETS]
John Slattery: Oh hey wait, this actually isn't your fault, Anthony Mackie. They ARE supposed to be together...or were, in many earlier versions of the plan. But not in the current version.
Anthony Mackie: I TOLD YOU. Wait...maybe the plan isn't always right.
[RECORD PLAYER SCRATCH]
John Slattery: No way. The plan is right. Let's call in the big guns.
Terence Stamp: I believe that would be me. After all...I'm British.
Matt Damon: British or not, you can't keep me from her! I SAW HER DANCE. Also we boned and that was pretty great too.
Terence Stamp: You do what you like. But know this: you could be president. And she could be a famous dancer. But not if you stay with her.
Matt Damon: Fuck you, man!!
[he RUNS to her DANCE STUDIO because no one ever accomplished ANYTHING except via RUNNING]
Terence Stamp: Just remember: we have all the power. We can go through doors as long as we are wearing our magic dapper hats. And we can do things like this.
[he uses his ADJUSTMENT MAGIC to sprain her ANKLE]
Emily Blunt: My livelihood!!!
Terence Stamp: Make your choice.
Matt Damon: I think deserting her at the hospital is better than ruining both of our dreams in the long run. I'll just go and not explain why.
[ELEVEN MONTHS later]
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Uh, so, that pretty girl you were obsessed with? She's getting married.
Matt Damon: Shit! But I'm so far ahead in the polls! I'm on track to become Senator! And all I can think of is her.
Anthony Mackie: I can help you get back to her. Meet me on an island, since water makes it difficult for the adjustment angels to track your decisions for some reason. This also means that this plan will work best if it involves you running in the rain.
Matt Damon: And if I had one of your magic hats, I could move across the city quickly like you do!
Anthony Mackie: Yes! But only turn the doorknobs clockwise. Counter-clockwise is only for us.
Chekhov: I am gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissssssed if he does not eventually turn a doorknob counter-clockwise.
[Matt Damon RACES through the DOORS of the CITY to all different PLACES in the RAIN and ends up at the COURTHOUSE, where she is about to GET MARRIED]
Matt Damon: Don't marry him! You love me, not him!!
Emily Blunt: What the fuuuuuuck, dude! You desert me in a hospital with a sprain and then I never hear from you again? Why should I trust you!?!
Matt Damon: Well...we were meant for each other? Also I do have this dapper hat.
Emily Blunt: Okay, let's go!
[they RUN AROUND for a LONG TIME through many DOOR PORTALS and then are STUCK on Liberty Island]
Matt Damon: Hey Chekhov? I got you, buddy.
[he turns the doorknob COUNTER-CLOCKWISE]
Chekhov: Yeah!!!
[they RUN some more and end up on a ROOFTOP]
Both: Oh noooooo! Trapped! But we're together, so it's ok.
Terence Stamp: You fools! My Britishness has foiled you!!
Anthony Mackie: Wait! They're not fools! I have an order from The Chairman.
Matt Damon: Are...are you The Chairman?*
Entire Audience: LOL
Anthony Mackie: Haha, no, I am too fine to be The Chairman. But I've met him, and he gave me this message for you that he erased your plans! Now you get to do whatever you want!! I'm not super-sure how that works, since if every other human DOES have a plan and you don't, your involvement in their plans would necessarily be pre-determined...you know what? Never mind. Just live your lives and love each other.
Matt Damon and Emily Blunt: Okay!!
[they KISS, because although this SEEMS like an ACTION MOVIE, it is actually kind of a SAPPY ROMANCE]

UCMChats: The Last Song

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 21:47:00 +0000

So both Laura and I have both been writing these for a few years now, and sometimes we even accidentally write one for the same movie, but we have never truly collaborated. We decided to remedy that by simultaneously enjoying a current offering on Netflix Instant watch and chatting while we did so.

The transcript below is edited for clarity, obviously, and also for "time," since there was a lot of shit that wasn't really necessary, but it's still really. Fucking. Long. So just be forewarned. You could also take the approach of watching this fine cinematic venture yourself (since it's on Instant Watch) and having us "there" with you, in a totally non-creepy way. Whatever you like.

In any event, this is an experiment, so any feedback you have about how this is formatted is appreciated, or if there are points of confusion you need clarified, please let us know.

AND NOW: THE LAST SONG.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is a FIRE]

Laura: fire!

Anna: metaphorical fire, i bet

Laura: probably

[Miley Cyrus GLARES out the CAR WINDOW as the car goes over a BRIDGE to a NEW LIFE]

wooooo!

cyrus!

man, she's got a mug on her

Anna: driving away from her old life?

Laura: burned church = exposition

WHO BURNED THE CHURCH???

Anna: she got ARRESTED

BACKSTORY

[they pull up to her DAD’S luxurious BEACH PAD]

Laura: kinnear looking pensive

the deadbeat dads in these movies always have sweet spreads

Anna: oh, kinnear

best dad ever

mom's so mean

Laura: she's probably just harried

[her dad tries to GREET her but she SULKS away]

no hugs for you, dad!

Anna: SHUT UP DAD

[Miley goes to the BEACH but GLARES at everyone]

Anna: you can tell she's a rebel

from her combat boots

Laura: on the sand

Anna: "yeah, i'm wearing black"

"ON THE BEACH"

[Miley gets a MILKSHAKE because they are DELICIOUS]

Laura: meet cute?

Anna: i hope that milkshake

YES

[the milkshake SPILLS all over HER and a “HOT” DUDE]

Anna: i was going to say that milkshake BETTER spill

Laura: maybe she shouldn't have been walking across a volleyball court

[the DUDE offers to buy her a NEW SHIRT]

Laura: this would not be happening

Anna: "let me buy you another shirt"???

"i'm awesome at volleyball"

"check mah pecs"

so surly, miles

Laura: so much pain beneath those eyes

[she goes HOME and GLARES at her DAD and a PIANO]

Anna: metaphorical piano

Laura: BROKEN PIANO

[her dad mentions LISZT and how Miley got into JUILLIARD]

HAHAHAHA LISZT

i bet you a thousand dollars miley can't pronounce liszt

Anna: "li...scht?"

SHE GOT INTO JUILLIARD

SANS AUDITION

SURE

Laura: of course

these things always happen

[her dad APOLOGIZES for his DIVORCE]

broken home!

Anna: mom and dad's divorce has RUINT her

Laura: maybe you should not have named her "ronnie"

[her DAD and BROTHER work on a STAINED-GLASS WINDOW together]

Anna: metaphorical stained glass window

Laura: gay little brother

Anna: he looks like a tiny white aziz ansari

[Miley goes to the BEACH again and finds another ANGRY TEEN]

Anna: oh good, a surly friend

Laura: the surlys can always spot each other

[her “FRIEND” tries to STEAL a shirt but Miley STOPS her because she’s got a RECORD]

Laura: someone's using a five finger discount

Anna: miley has morals

Laura: i'm trying to turn my life around!

Anna: what kind of teenage girl just like goes to a beach fair

and finds a surly friend

randomly

Laura: ooooooh rebel boyfriend of the surly friend

Anna: "marcus is so into me"

"and arson"

[they LITERALLY juggle FIRE]

Laura: juggling fire

Anna: FIRE JUGGLING

Laura: just a normal thing

Anna: just a thing people do

on the beach

Laura: gee i wonder how that church burned down

Anna: it's really a mystery

Laura: leather vest no shirt on that rebel boyfriend

Anna: just a thing people wear

[meanwhile, back at DAD’S PAD]

Laura: man time with dad and little bro

enjoy your glass of chardonnay, kinnear

Anna: with an empty plate for Miley

“mom says that Miley has PMS”

SURE SHE DOES, LITTLE BRO

Laura: “it means Pissed at Men Syndrome”*

Anna: BURN

[back on the BEACH in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT]

Laura: blonde skank! look out, miley!

Anna: uh-oh, the hot guy has a hot blonde lady

blondes are so evil

Laura: everyone is blonde

[the “HOT” DUDE approaches Miley]

he saw those horseteeth from afar

Anna: "i saw the moon reflecting on your teeth"

his bff is rolf

Laura: he totally is

that was really homoerotic with the bff

[the REBEL BOYFRIEND tries to START SHIT]

Anna: uh oh, hot topic vs. abercrombie

Laura: that age old battle

Anna: he looks like a dirty jonas brother, that rebel boyfriend

Laura: he shall now be "dirty jonas"

Miley is the weakest "rebel" ever

no stealin', no drankin'

Anna: don't drink, don't smoke...what DO you do?

Laura: woof

[Dirty Jonas tries to get UP ON HER but she is REPULSED but her friend is still MAD because obviously it’s MILEY’S FAULT for being so HOT]

Anna: hey there, dirty jonas

back it up

Laura: everyone is so warm for miley's form

[Miley goes HOME to the STRAINS of a CONCERTO]

Anna: i hear piano

metaphorical piano

[Miley looks like she is in PHYSICAL PAIN whilst LISTENING]

FEEL THE MUSIC

Laura: piano music always hurts her heart

Anna: it stabs her

Laura: ohhhhh, dad’s a composer

purrrfect

Anna: dad's a stained glass artisan AND a composer?

Laura: dreamboat!

Anna: hubba hubba!

Laura: does she have a retainer in?

she can't speak

Anna: it's her teeth

they're taking up too much space

Anna: the music is haunting her

she looks like amanda bynes got hit by a shovel

Laura: hahahahaha

Laura: i mean, that is a MUG

julliard ain't good enough for her and her face

[it is the NEXT MORNING]

Laura: lighthouse imagery

nice house, composer/stained glass dude

Anna: "it's a new day"*

never literally say that, dad

Laura: miley hulks across the beach

[a RACCOON tries to EAT the TURTLE EGGS because HELLO it’s an ANIMAL that needs to EAT]

Anna: RACCOONS?!

Laura: random elderly woman!

Anna: rabid raccoon

Laura: NOT THE TURTLE EGGS

Anna: "i have to save the turtles!"

[Miley builds a FORT for the TURTLE EGGS]

Anna: is that a shopping cart??

oh, i get it...it's a turtle fort

Laura: komedy!

[her DAD tells her to CALL the AQUARIUM]

Laura: keep having easy access to the aquarium's phone number

Anna: dad keeps it on the fridge in case there's a turtlemergency

Laura: report the sea turtle eggs!

Anna: "she cares about a thing" thinks dad

[Miley asks when he went to NICE GUY SCHOOL]

WOW, BURN

Laura: nice guy school

Anna: NICE GUY SCHOOL

[the LITTLE BROTHER tells Kinnear he needs SMILE LESSONS]

Laura: learn to smile again, kinnear

Anna: with your gay son

[Miley goes into TOWN and peruses a BOOK on TURTLES]

Anna: "i love turtles now"

"i better get this book"

Laura: why does she dig turtles SO MUCH

[she sees the “HOT” DUDE and he is DIRTY]

Anna: oh, he's a grease monkey

Laura: working class?

look how happy those extras are

Anna: rolf is not into this cross-class meet cute

[Rolf INSINUATES that he KNOWS Kinnear SOMEHOW]

Laura: how does he know the dad???? MYSTERYYYY

[Miley RETURNS to the BEACH to PROTECT her fucking TURTLE EGGS]

Anna: ok seriously

raccoons will bite you

Laura: keep sleeping outside to protect your turtles

[a raccoon LITERALLY attacks her]

Anna: raccoon attaaaaaaaack

Laura: raccoon ATTACK!

[it is the MORNING and the “HOT” DUDE surprises her on the BEACH]

Anna: where the fuck did he come from

Laura: it's his job!

he’s wearing an aquarium polo!

Anna: LOLLL

HE WORKS FOR THE AQUARIUM

Laura: even better…he’s a VOLUNTEER!

Anna: ron ron is pissed that he’s late

"i called YESTERDAY"

"this was a turtlemergency"

Laura: she is SO surly

but not in like a cute way

in like a gross awkward brat way

hulk hulk hulk away

[Miley goes to the STORE and gets FRAMED for SHOPLIFTING]

Anna: oh shit

poor man’s kstew is not your friend

she is setting you up!

Laura: whoa

the friend’s got a mug on her too

keep casting ugly girls to make miles look better

[the STORE OWNER checks her PURSE because of the ALARM]

nobody has ever done that ever

they just let you walk right through when you set off alarms

Anna: no white person has ever been detained for shoplifting

Laura: she just looks so REBELLIOUS

[she goes HOME and is CONFRONTED by her DAD]

Anna: the classical guitar is really evocative

"i'm your hot dad, i'll sort this out"

Laura: his store owner friend will take care of it

he's got the hookup

[Miley returns to the BEACH to take care of her TURTLES again]

nights in sea turtles

Anna: campout!

[the DUDE shows up to HANG OUT]

of COURSE hot dude is there

Laura: this guy is seriously the worst

Anna: because i know when someone is clearly not interested in me i just find them

on the beach

in the night

[Miley is READING a LARGE NOVEL]

Laura:Anna KARENINA

Anna: keep quoting Tolstoy, dude

Laura: in russian

Anna: "you speak russian, huh? sexy"

Laura: this guy is the gayest ever

he makes me long for the rugged masculinity of zac efron

[he tells Miley her HAIR looks TERRIBLE]

Anna: he fancies himself a PUA

he's using the neg method

Laura: point gay guy

Anna: oh no, he’s engaged to be married!!

Laura: sparks LOVES a teen engagement

Anna: now that he's engaged to be married, he's looking PRETTY GOOD to ron ron

Laura: she looks about 12

Anna: she has turned 180 degrees

in her estimation of him

[SUDDENLY, Kinnear just APPEARS]

Laura: GAH!

that was so fucked up

Anna: "good evening"*

"i'm oscar winner greg kinnear"

Laura: dad cockblock!

Anna: dad cockblocks are the worst kind

[the NEXT DAY at the VOLLEYBALL GAME, they ACT CUTE and shit]

Laura: i thought he was engaged?

Anna: dude, aren't you engaged?

Laura: what an asshole

Anna: "i just said i was engaged, to lure you"

"like that adam sandler movie"

Laura: i'm so confused

Anna: when did she stop hating him?

Laura: when did he stop being engaged?

Anna: when did they get to the aquarium?

[they SWIM in a TANK]

Laura: i don' think they would allow a volunteer to do that

that seems very very dangerous

Anna: there are fucking sharks in there

[back on the BEACH, an UNSPECIFIED amount of time LATER, they FROLIC like LOVERS]

Laura: what the what???????????

Anna: are they a couple now?

Wtf

[the BLONDE girl tells Miley that the hot dude is a MAN SLUT]

Laura: fastest relationship ever

RUN FROM HIM, MILEY

[meanwhile, in DAD’S WORKSHOP]

little bro wants to talk relationships

the wisdom of a child

Anna: sure, talking relationships with your child

that's a thing

Laura: whilst welding or whatever

Anna: kids LOVE talking about their parents' marriage

Laura: kids also love TELLING AMAZING JOKES about cookies

Anna: "i changed the subject to cookies"*

i'm doing that from now on

[Miley STORMS in in TEARS]

Anna: wait what

this is all literally happening in like A DAY

Laura: yeah, seriously

Anna: now dad likes him?

now that miley's over it

Laura: dad just wants what's worst for his daughter

Anna: like all dads

Laura: maybe the hot dude will now kill all the sea turtles for revenge

Anna: "i ate them"

"like a raccoon would have"

"to spite you"

[Miley HULKS out to the BEACH to have a FIGHT]

Laura: dune confrontation

Anna: the best place to confront

Laura: hulk hulk

one day romance

Anna: literally one day

Laura: I don’t want to be the next girl in your parade of girls*

well put, miley

end it after 6 hours

Anna: "i really enjoyed my time with you"

"best 45 minutes ever"

[they SMOOCH and the camera FLIES AROUND THEM]

Laura: EWWWWWWWW

Anna: oh, the kiss changes EVERYTHING

Laura: this guy is good

Anna: before that, it wasn't real

now it's REAL

Laura: you're not like the other girls

you're meaner

also....i'm engaged???

was he kidding before?

Anna: that engagement is questionable

and confusing

Anna: now dad's cool?

now they're playful?

Laura: this family is terrible

Anna: no relationship in this movie makes any sense

[they go on SWIMMING DATES and are “CUTE”]

Laura: ew ew ew

more gross kissing

Anna: all their dates involve water

maybe he's aquaman

Laura: maybe

that would make this more interesting

[they go on MORE DATES than involve LYING on the BEACH and DRAWING on SHOES]

Anna: deface my converse

Laura: draw on my chuck taylors

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Laura: actually this is probably pretty realistic behavior for high school kids

Anna: scuba diving?

Laura: "i met you yesterday and NOW I LOVE YOU"

Anna: oh, that

yes

[they go for a DRIVE and “She Will Be Loved” comes on the RADIO]

Laura: classic song!!!

Anna: keep singing, ron ron

Laura: ouch, that is some voice

Anna: sing along with maroon 5

Laura: doesn't this dude have like, 9 jobs?

when does he go to them?

time for road head!

Anna: i wish there was road head

then she wouldn't sing

[they go to a MUD PUDDLE]

Anna: for our next date, i thought we'd go to the mud pits

Laura: i wish there was a chainsaw murderer

this romance is just so fun and normal!

Anna: PLEASE let them fuck in the mud

oh wait it's PG

ok, mud fight

so normal

[they go to HIS HOUSE to CLEAN UP]

Anna: looks like he's RICH

TRICK RICH

Laura: MILLIONAIRE

that is quite pretty

sparks movies always have good scenery

[his HOUSE is LUXURIOUS and his MOM is COUNTRY CLUBBIN' it]

Anna: "i thought you were poor"

Laura: stay classy, miley

Anna: mom's so demure

Laura: jackie kennedy dress

[Miley SPIES a PIANO]

Anna: all rich people have pianos

Anna: even if they don't play them

[there is FAMILY PRESSURE for COLLEGE PLANS]

Laura: it's like mystic pizza

Anna: except terrible

although miley might be the tooth heir to julia roberts

Laura: she is a delighful houseguest

his parents are talking about mikey

who is mikey?

DEAD BROTHER?

dead dog?

DEAD BROTHER!!!

Anna: "my dead brother was supposed to go to vanderbilt"

Laura: so the engagement thing was totally a lie

i feel better now

[the dude GAZES while wearing CARGO PANTS and Miley looks BEWILDERED]

Laura: good face, miles

oscar clip

Anna: LOL

HER FACE

Laura: she just looks confused

Anna: "i became a man slut after my brother died"

"but then i met you"

Laura: she must be giving him bjs

Anna: road head was edited out

[they tell each other “I LOVE YOU”]

Anna: WHOA WHOA WHOA

Laura: love declaration

Anna: keep saying i love you

in a gazebo or some shit

Laura: what is the timeline here??

[they go INSIDE so she can REVEAL that she plays the PIANO]

Anna: play that piano, miles

Laura: ponytail for maximum musicality

Anna: she has to secure her hair

to play piano

Anna: not her hands

Laura: fake hands

Anna: piano edit

Laura: piano faces

Anna: piano acting

this is actually kind of awkward

it's like when someone is reading the long note in your birthday card

while you're sitting there

Laura: also, i don't even think that piece was all that hard

piano makeout

Anna: "i want to do you on this piano"

piano breakthrough for miles!

"i played today"

Laura: all it takes is a boy to bring you out of your funk

Anna: penis = cure-all

[she starts to TALK to her DAD about how much she LIKES this BOY]

OH NO SEX TALK

Anna: no no no no no

Laura: call your mom

talk to your gay brother

Anna: call anyone

tell the turtles

Laura: turtles always listen

HER TEETH

Anna: i don't know how she can give bjs with those teeth

Laura: seriously

beaver blowjobs

beaver as in the animal

Anna: yes

got it

[the dad makes a HEARTFELT CONFESSION]

Anna: OH SHIT

DAD BURNED DOWN THE CHURCH

Laura: dad burned down the church?

Anna: apparently

[there is a BIG VOLLEYBALL MATCH]

Anna: is this more or less gay than the top gun volleyball scene?

they're trying for less

with this rock music

Laura: it's certainly less self-aware

love improved my spike!

The Green Hornet

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 15:58:00 +0000

[it is 1990]
Tom Wilkinson: Well, well, well, son. Looks like we're going to need some clunky exposition. I'll handle that. You're in trouble at school again. I know you're having a tough time with your mother's death, but I need to run this newspaper! Also, your name is Britt. Sorry about that.
Li'l Rogen: I hate you!!!!! I am going to rebel SO HARD later!!!
[it is LATER]
James Franco: Hey. I'm in this movie, doing a favor for my best bud, the Rog-man. And somehow everything I do is hilarious. And I'm taking over all the crime in this town. My name is even better: James Clear, and I sell crystal meth, so they call me "Crystal Clear." PRETTY GOOD. Sorry, Nazi dude. You're just not scary enough.
Christoph Waltz: Not scary enough? NOT SCARY ENOUGH???
[he SHOOTS Franco's henchmen with a DOUBLE-BARRELLED PISTOL and then fucking BLOWS the whole CLUB up]
Christoph Waltz: That's right, I'm fucking scary.
[meanwhile, in a HOTEL]
Seth Rogen: Woooooooooooooooooooo!! I'm rich and I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
[he MAKES OUT with a HOT GIRL in every one of his DAD'S CARS in FAST MOTION like it is a MUSIC VIDEO]
Michel Gondry: Oui, I directed this.
Tom Wilkinson: I'm trying to clean up this city with my news reporting and you aren't doing anything to help! I'm going to take a walk in the garden to clear my head.
Seth Rogen: FINE, DAD, I HATE YOUUUU. I'm just going to drink this delicious, delicious coffee with a leaf drawn on the top.
News Report: Newspaper magnate Your Dad just died of a bee sting.
Seth Rogen: Nooooooooo! But I hated him!! But he was my dad! Conflict!!
[his coffee comes with NO LEAF and is GROSS]
Seth Rogen: Where's my fucking coffeeeeeee!
Maid: You fired everyone who worked for your father, though I'm not exactly sure why you would do that. Anyway, Kato, your dad's mechanic, used to make your coffee.
Kato: Yup. Check it.
[he shows him the COFFEE MACHINE and makes him a BETTER CUP]
Kato: Also I gave this one car polycarbonate windows, so you can't smash them.
Seth Rogen: Oh man! You are so cool! Let's get drunk in the garage and be buds!!
[they DO, and listen to RECORDS on the RECORD PLAYER in the CAR, because that is a THING]
Seth Rogen: I like you because you also hated my dad! Let's go cut the head off his statue!
[they DO, but also STOP some THUGS from a ROBBERY with PUNCHING and stylized FIGHTING]
Michel Gondry: Oui, zis is my movie.
Kato: Is that why everything looks weird and cool?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
Seth Rogen: I know! We can fight crime all the time! It would be so badass!
Kato: Um, I don't know.
Seth Rogen: Come on, dude! Live up to your potential! What do you want the name of your autobiography to be? Balls Deep in Shitkicking Dudes, by Kato? I would read that, and I don't read shit, but when they made the movie of it, I would see the shit out of it.*
Kato: Okay. As long as we can listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" on vinyl while we drive.
Seth Rogen: Absolutely.
[they become HEROES? but actually just drive their CAR into METH LABS and give people a BUSINESS CARD with their EMAIL ADDRESS on it]
Christoph Waltz: Who is this guy?
Seth Rogen: Ooh, and I can use my newly-inherited media empire to spread the gospel about this new criminal. We'll call him...THE GREEN BEE.
Staff: Um...that sucks.
Kato: How about THE GREEN HORNET.
Staff: Better.
[the NEWSPAPER is all about the GREEN HORNET because Seth Rogen RUNS it]
Christoph Waltz: The green hornet is ruining my crime empire!!!
Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey, I'm your temporary secretary. And I have a minor in criminology, so I should be really helpful on this Green Hornet thing.
Seth Rogen: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you too FINE to be temporary! HIRED!
[she uses her MINOR in CRIMINOLOGY to PREDICT what the HORNET will do]
Seth Rogen: We got an email!! We got an email from the bad guy in our Hotmail account!!
[they LITERALLY SHOW the WINDOWS LIVE sign-in page]
Seth Rogen: Oh, now we have to go meet the big bad guy in a vacant lot. This should go well.
Kato: I don't know if we ---
Seth Rogen: I AM IN CHARGE, KATO.
[he BURIES them in a HOLE in their CAR but then they BLAST the car OUT and it is KIND OF COOL but they kill a HENCHMAN]
Christoph Waltz: You killed Chili, my favorite henchman! YOU WILL PAY.
Kato: Can I show off my fighting skills some more?
Michel Gondry: Oui.
[he DOES and it is COOL]
Seth Rogen: You think you're SO AWESOME with your karate skills and your car-building skills and shit. I was the one who suggested ejector seats!! And you went on a date with my secretary!
Kato: Oh, it was more than a date.
[they FIGHT over a WOMAN who is too hot for EITHER of them]
Kato: FINE. I'm OUT.
[meanwhile, in a WAREHOUSE]
Christoph Waltz: I have decided that my new name, instead of Chudnofsky, is now BLOODnofsky, and I will wear only red and have a catchphrase!! I'm not sure why!! Also I wear a gas mask!
DA Scanlon: Oh hey, Britt - I was hoping you could meet me at Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga at 8:30 tonight to discuss me buying you off to make me look better in your paper. I mean...for dinner.
Email from Bad Guy: Hello, Green Hornet. I would like to hire you to kill Britt Reid. AT THE COMPACHI HIBACHI ON LA CIENAGA.
Kato: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[they ALL go to Compachi Hibachi on La Cienaga]
DA Scanlon: I would like to pay you to print only good stories. I tried to get your dad to do the same, but he wouldn't, so I killed him.
Seth Rogen: Oh really? Because I just recorded you saying that, motherfucker!! It's all on this flash drive that looks like sushi!!
DA Scanlon: Oh REALLY? Because the Green Hornet is going to kill you!!
Kato: NOPE. Oh, and I forgive you.
Seth Rogen: Thanks. Let's kick ass. I have a gas gun.
Christoph Waltz: I'm ungassable!!*
[they have a SHOOT-OUT and literally the most LUDICROUS CAR CHASE in the ENTIRE WORLD that involves the NEWSPAPER PRINTING AREA and a GLASS ELEVATOR and only the FRONT HALF of the car driving around in a BUILDING]
Michel Gondry: Oui. Zis car chase is fantastique.
Seth Rogen: Now to upload the mp3 of DA Scanlon's confession onto the Internet, with my "Internet Upload" button!!
[there is NO DATA on the SUSHI DRIVE]
Seth Rogen: Well, I guess we have to kill him now??
[they DO, in the most INSANE manner POSSIBLE that involves the EJECTOR SEATS]
Seth Rogen: Yayyyyy! Now I will give the EIC job to the dude who deserves it, which isn't me.
[they RE-SOLDER the HEAD onto the STATUE of his DAD because he has CLOSURE?]

The King's Speech

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 11:20:00 +0000

As usual, because this movie was good, the condensed version is kind of boring. See it! Also, I think this might be the most disparate poster-quality-to-movie-quality ratio EVER, because WOW is that poster ever shitty. This one is better, but I needed you guys to see this Photoshop disaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ENGLAND in the 1930s]
Colin Firth: I'm just the p- p- p- p- the Duke of York. This stammer shouldn't affect me.
[he TRIES to give a speech but CANNOT]
Helena Bonham Carter: It's fine, darling! We'll find you a speech therapist.
[they TRY, but everyone CANNOT help him]
Colin Firth: Oh b-b-b-b-b-bother.
Helena Bonham Carter: Perhaps this fellow whose office is in the basement could help us! Oh dear, he's Australian. No matter.
Geoffrey Rush: Yes, indeed I could, but your husband must come to my office.
Helena Bonham Carter: You know he's the Duke of York, right?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh. Well, still. He must come here.
Colin Firth: Hello, Dr. Logue.
Geoffrey Rush: No, no. We must be equals. Call me Lionel. And I'll call you Bertie.
Colin Firth: ONLY MY FAMILY CALLS ME THAT!!
[they BUTT HEADS but then WORK TOGETHER]
Geoffrey Rush: No! Don't smoke!
Colin Firth: All my physicians say it's good for me.
Geoffrey Rush: Well, they're all idiots.*
Colin Firth: They've all been knighted.*
Geoffrey Rush: Well, it's official, then.*
[they WORK on TALKING]
Guy Pearce: Hahahahaha! I'm going to be king, but I want to marry a twice-divorced American! Also I love to party!!
[their DAD, the KING, dies]
Guy Pearce: Oh bugger! Now I've got to be king! But I don't want to! Wah wah wah!!
[he ABDICATES the THRONE and everyone is like WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKK]
Wallis Simpson: Haha! We might be Nazis!!
Colin Firth: Well, I guess I'm going to be king now.
Geoffrey Rush: You can do it!
Colin Firth: Shut up!! No I can't! Also, you are a fraud because you are not really a doctor!!
Geoffrey Rush: I just wanted to help people and be your friend!!!
Elizabeth Bennett: Darling, who are these people in our house?
Geoffrey Rush: Oh, it's just the king and queen, don't worry.
Elizabeth Bennett: Bwaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!
Colin Firth: Thank you for helping me. Now we can win World War II.
England: Yayyyy!

Country Strong

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:15:00 +0000

Yes, I actually saw this, but in my defense, it was the third movie on a day in which I paid for one movie (with a gift card) and snuck into two more. So let's just enjoy the fruits of my labor and not judge, all right?
~~~~~~~~~
[it is THE COUNTRY]
Guy from Tron: How I do love to croon a country tune! But I also love to work at this woodland rehab center, which just so happens to be where country superstar Kelly Canter is holed up, dryin' out from booze.
Gwyneth: I sure am! And writin' songs and tryin' to forget about Dallas. DALLAS.
[she looks STRICKEN]
Tim McGraw: Well, hey there, pretty lady. Am I your husband or your manager? Oh, I guess I'm both. What say we take a stroll in the woods and talk about springin' you outta rehab early?
Guy from Tron: Is that...a good idea? As her sponsor, I don't know about that. Although apparently I work at this rehab center. And am not a recovering alcoholic. So I don't think I can actually be her sponsor? Whatever, I'm hot.
Tim McGraw: I was in the Top Ten Sexiest Men in Playgirl Magazine in 1997! I know what's best!!
[they WALK in the WOODS because that's how you REHAB]
Tim McGraw: So, where'd you find the bird?
Gwyneth: I found her under a tree. She ain't got no mama, and is symbolic or somethin'.
[she opens a TINY BOX to reveal a BABY QUAIL]
Tim McGraw: Well, seems to me like you're ready to go tourin' again!
Gwyneth: Well, fine, but I want my "sponsor" to be my opening act.
Tim McGraw: Well, I want Blair Waldorf to be your opening act!
Gwyneth: Good thing they sort of know each other and are playing at the same bar in Nashville. You can check them both out at the same time.
Tim McGraw: Give me that quail, I'm takin' her with me.
[he goes to the BAR where it's ALL GONNA HAPPEN]
Blair Waldorf: I'm a pageant queen, but I just love sangin'!!
Guy from Tron: You have no stage presence. Last time, you froze up like an ice cube.* METAPHORS AND SIMILES.
[she FREEZES again but he HELPS her in a HANDSOME way]
Tim McGraw: Y'all sounded pretty good up there together. You want to open for Kelly and do a duet?
Guy from Tron: Sounds like your bird's hungry.* Also, why do you have a box with a baby quail in it AT A BAR?!?!?!
Tim McGraw: I have a 2006 Grammy, I know best!!
[they all decide to go ON TOUR together]
Gwyneth: I'm so excited to go on this big ol' tour on this big ol' tour bus! Where are we goin'?
Tim McGraw: Houston, Austin...and DALLAS.
Gwyneth: DALLAS.
Newsreporter: This tour takes Kelly Canter back to Dallas, where one year ago she tripped on a microphone cord with a blood alcohol level of .19, and was pregnant at the time.
Gwyneth: DALLASSSSSS!!!!! That is what happened there. I will make my peace with you, Dallas. Now let's get on that bus. I need to be in total comfort for the 3-hour drive. We'll get a hotel when we get there, so I don't even know why we need this bed.
[they get to HOUSTON and she gets a BOX with a DEAD BABY DOLL in it]
Gwyneth: I killed my child!! Now I will drink heavily!!
Tim McGraw: You need to stop her from drinking!!
Guy from Tron: What? Why is that even my job? I'm the opening act. You're her husband and manager. That doesn't even make sense.
Tim McGraw: I have seven CMAs, I always make sense!!
Blair Waldorf: Don't I look pretty, y'all? TELL ME I LOOK PRETTY.
Gwyneth: I CAN STILL GO ON STAGE.
[she DOES, but has a straight-up BREAKDOWN in front of the HUGEST AMERICAN FLAGS EVER]
JJ, the Promoter: This is bullshit! It better go better in Austin.
Gwyneth: Do me, my hot opening act.
Guy from Tron: Okay.
Blair Waldorf: Now look at me naked.
Guy from Tron: Uh...okay?
Tim McGraw: What about me?! Who wants to do me?
Baby Quail: Cheep cheep!
Tim McGraw: You need to feed this baby quail and take care of her. It's symbolic.
Gwyneth: She's so tiny. Oh, baby quail, you represent everything.
[the baby quail is NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN]
Gwyneth: We're in Austin!! Woooooo!! I'm going to a bar!!!!
Guy from Tron: You're a recovering alcoholic. Stop going to bars!!
Tim McGraw: You're gonna be the toast of the town!
Gwyneth: I think we both know I'm not the toast of anyone's town.*
[the concert is CANCELLED and the promoter is PISSED but the Gwyneth BONES him and all is FORGIVEN]
Blair Waldorf: Are we together now?
Guy from Tron: I think so? I think that duet we sang made us fall in love.
Gwyneth: Love is the only thing that matters!! Love and fame can't live in the same house! Give it all up for love!!!!
Blair Waldorf: But I want a career!
Gwyneth: And you could have a real good one, too. Never take laxatives. Always wear high heels. Oh, also I figured out that your parents are in prison, FYI? AND LOVE IS THE THING THAT MATTERS.
Blair Waldorf: She's so wise!! How did she know my parents were in prison? She just knew it. Good explanation, screenwriters. Really good.
Gwyneth: Well, Dallas, I'm here, and I'm going to kick you in the ass!!
[she sings the SHIT out of some SONGS including one she wasn't SUPPOSED to]
Gwyneth: That's how it's done, sweetheart. SUCK IT, WORLD.
Blair Waldorf: She's so amazing!
[Gwyneth is found DEAD in her HOTEL ROOM due to SUICIDE]
Newscaster: Guess she wasn't so country strong after all. BURN!!
Tim McGraw: But I'm the 2000 Father of the Year, so named by the National Fatherhood Initiative!! How can this be happening to me?!
Guy from Tron: Okay, I'm moving to a ranch on a beach in California, which is apparently a real thing, and I'm gonna pay guitar at some honky-tonk at night.
Blair Waldorf: Okay, I'm going to be famous. Oh wait, no I'm not, because I heard from that mentally unstable alcoholic that love is the only thing that matters, so I'm going to give it all up to be with you, because you are hot.

Guest Post: An Education

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 17:04:00 +0000

I know two things about this movie:
1. Carey Mulligan is the cutest
2. Whenever I see Saaarsgaaaaaaard, I am reminded that one of my friends once said he looked "unifinished, like a fetus"

So hopefully you'll enjoy this offering from Laura McClain anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a LONDON burb in the 1960’s]

Carey Mulligan: Ho hum. My middle-class schoolgirl lifestyle is pretty boring. At least I have these adorable dimples.

[we SEE a MONTAGE of her doing SCHOOL-LIKE things, and being BRAINY]

Alfred Molina: You need to be more involved if you want to get into Oxford! Go play the cello, even though you don’t like it!

Carey Mulligan: Ugh, fine, dad.

[she PLAYS in the ORCHESTRA and then gets CAUGHT in a RAINSTORM]

Peter Saarsgaard: Cheerio! I am a music lover, and I don’t want your cello to get ruined! Why don’t you put it in my car and then walk alongside? Then you don’t have to worry about me attacking you!

Carey Mulligan: Okay, older gentleman. Thanks!
[they have a PLEASANT conversation about MUSIC and he DRIVES her HOME]

Peter Saarsgaaaard: Hello again! Do you want to come and hear some classical music with me at a posh place! My friends will be there too, so it’s not too creepy. Is it? Is this getting a little creepy?

Carey Mulligan: I am intrigued! But my parents will never let me.

Peter Saaaaarsgaaaaaard: Leave them to me!

[he is INCREDIBLY CHARMING to her PARENTS and CONVINCES them to let her GO]

Rosamund Pike: Hallo! I am here and very glamorous! And my boyfriend is oh so hot!

Dominic Cooper: Yes. Yes I am.

[they GO to the CONCERT and Carey Mulligan PETS Rosamund’s FUR to REMIND us that she is a CHILD]

Carey Mulligan: Beautiful music and fancy restaurants! This is the life I want to live!

[they GO to an AUCTION on a SCHOOL DAY and Saaaaaargaaaaaard LETS her BUY a CLASSICAL painting]

Carey Mulligan: Wow, Dominic Cooper, your apartment certainly is ostentatious! What do you guys do, anyway?

Saaaaaaaarsgaaaard: Uh…nothing. Hey, let’s all go away to Oxford next weekend!

Carey Mulligan: Dude. 16 years old, remember?

Saaaaarsgaaaard: Leave it to me.

[he GETS her PARENTS to LET her go by SAYING he KNOWS C.S. Lewis and is an Oxford GRAD which is a BIG FAT LIE]

Carey Mulligan: Yahoo!

[Rosamund Pike DRESSES her UP like a LADY though she is still JAILBAIT]

Rosamund Pike: You haven’t slept with him yet? Good for you!*

Carey Mulligan: Shit, am I supposed to do that?!

[at the HOTEL]

Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaard: Oh Minnie, you’re so beautiful. Come to bed.

Carey Mulligan: Yeah…I’m a virgin. And I want to stay that way until my seventeenth birthday, which should really indicate to you that I’m still a little girl with an idealized vision of love and sex.

Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: That’s cool. Can I see your boobs?

[he and Dominic Cooper ACT SHADY and then go STEAL a MAP from an OPEN HOUSE]

Carey Mulligan: My faith in you is shaken!

Saaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: [WORKS his CHARM MAGIC on her]

Carey Mulligan: Never mind, it’s totes okay! I am as naïve about men as I am smart in my English class!

Olivia Williams: As your stern but kind teacher, I am freaked out for you, Carey. You could do so much more than date old creepers!

Carey Mulligan: Pshaw. Everything is great. He’s even taking me to Paris for my birthday!

[believe it or NOT, Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard CONVINCES her PARENTS to TAKE her to PARIS, because he is a WIZARD or SOMETHING]

Girls at School: Paris! Boyfriend! Cigarettes! We all want to live vicariously through you!

Emma Thompson: Though I am in full Margaret Thatcher drag, I am the headmistresses of this school. Basically, if you pop your cherry, you’re kicked out, Mulligan.

Carey Mulligan: Duly noted.

[she and Saaarsgaaaard GO to Paris and START to AWKWARDLY bone]

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaaard: I thought we could use this to get the messy part over with.*

[he BRANDISHES a BANANA, and you’re like, SMOOTH, dude]

Carey Mulligan: I don’t want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!*

[they EVENTUALLY bone, and FROLIC in Paris and it’s CUTE but for the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing]

Rosamund Pike: It’s great to see you guys again! Let’s go to a sexy party!

[they DO and Dominic Cooper GETS up in Mulligan’s BUSINESS and it is NOTED by their PARTNERS]

Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard: I’m freaked out that someone else has noticed that you are hot. Marry me!

Carey Mulligan: Whaaaa?

Alfred Molina: Well, you don’t have to worry about Oxford if you marry him!

Her Mom: He’ll take good care of you!

Carey Mulligan: If this is all you wanted for me, why didn’t you just have me trolling round nightclubs?*

[they get ENGAGED and Olivia Williams is SAD]

Emma Thompson: So, I guess this means you’re deflowered. OUT.

Carey Mulligan: I don’t need school anyway! I don’t want to be bored and boring. Peace.

[Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard TAKES her and her PARENTS to DINNER]

Carey Mulligan: Just going to get a ciggie out of the glove box….whaaaaaaa?

[she SEES mail ADDRESSED to him and his WIFE, and you’re all I KNEW IT]

Carey Mulligan: You have to tell my parents that you’re married. Be a man.

Saaaaarsgaaaaaaaard: [SCREECHES AWAY in his CAR]

Alfred Molina: I’m sorry that we steered you wrong and were so hard on you. We just wanted you to be happy.

Carey Mulligan: Weeeeeeep! My life is ruined! You’re my only hope, Olivia Williams. I want to be the smart good girl again!

Olivia Williams: I will help you. Men are pigs.

[she STUDIES REAL HARD and gets in to OXFORD]

Carey Mulligan: Hooray! Good thing Saaarsss didn’t knock me up!

How Do You Know

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 15:31:00 +0000

Yes, I have loved Paul Rudd for about 15 years now. Yes, Reese Witherspoon is charming and likable and I actually liked Legally Blonde. Yes, Owen Wilson has his moments. And yes, he's Jack Nicholson.

However: this movie is so, so, so much less than the sum of its parts. But my best friend is leaving for Kenya today, and she wanted to see it, and I wasn't opposed (well, I kind of was, but Paul Rudd) so we went to the luxury cinema where you get free popcorn. Big ups to iPic at Bayshore Mall!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese Witherspoon: I love softball! I love it more than anything and I am really good at it! But I’m not good…AT LOVE.

Paul Rudd: Hey – I got your phone number from your friend? Because you are bad at dating, maybe? But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh…okay? I’m going to go out on a date with and possibly have a relationship with Owen Wilson, famously roguish pitcher.

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[they DATE but don’t actually seem to LIKE each other that much]

Cousin Larry: Oh, hey, Paul Rudd…you are being investigated by the federal government for lying about business.

Paul Rudd: What!?!?! What the FUCK kind of subplot is this?!

Jack Nicholson: I’m your father slash boss, and this is terrible. I am in this movie for some reason.

[there is a LONG-ASS SCENE about INDICTMENTS and LAW and it is LITERALLY a lesson in how NOT to write a MOVIE SCENE]

Kathryn Hahn: I am also in this movie! And I want to punch Jack Nicholson, and I almost did just now, because assistants routinely take swings at CEOs.

Paul Rudd: It’s ok. You’re pregnant. That might come up later.

Paul Rudd’s Girlfriend: So…I think we should break up, because I don’t want to be involved with you because of your federal investigation. Byeeeeeee.

Paul Rudd: What to do? I guess I will get drunk and sing a Teddy Pendergrass song about hot oils.

[he DOES, and it is ALMOST cute enough to make the rest of the movie WORTH IT, but not actually]

Paul Rudd: Hi, let’s go on a date now.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh, okay? I thought you had a girlfriend? I am just continually sort of confused in this movie?

[she gets CUT from the SOFTBALL TEAM, which is her LIFE]

Reese Witherspoon: I will stare at my mirror full of inspirational sayings and I will GET PAST THIS. Because I am STRONG. YES. Then I will go on this date.

[they DO, and do not TALK, but GAZE a lot, and Rudd is INTO IT, but Reese is NOT]

Owen Wilson: I think we should move in together, though up to this point everyone probably thought we were just fuckbuddies? Because I am a cad.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay! But I will just bring like 4 suitcases and not actually move out of my apartment, I think.

[he cleans out a SOCK DRAWER for her which proves he is NOT READY for cohabitation]

Reese Witherspoon: Let’s make this work, though clearly it is not working slash will never work!

Paul Rudd: Hey! I’m still being investigated by the feds. And I might love Reese Witherspoon? After one date? Because that is a thing that happens.

[he RUNS INTO HER in the ELEVATOR in the BUILDING that both his DAD and her BOYFRIEND live because COINCIDENCES]

Paul Rudd: OH MY GOD, HI.

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, hey. Am I still in a movie? I feel like I just wandered on set and was given lines to say. Want to come in?

[he DOES, and Owen Wilson gets JEALOUS, and Reese MOVES OUT]

Reese Witherspoon: Let me hang out at your place, platonically.

Paul Rudd: YES OKAY PLEASE.

[they get DRUNK and he GAZES at her a lot, which is a sign of LOVING]

Paul Rudd: I touched your leg.*

Me: [genuine laughter]

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, I am going back to my boyfriend now, sorry!

Paul Rudd: Of all the thoughts I had about you over the past few days, and there were millions, the one that never occurred to me was that my mind would be exaggerating about you. And it wasn’t.*

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Jack Nicholson: Federal investigation! Still happening! I could go to jail. Or you could go to jail for me! Please decide.

Paul Rudd: GIVE ME A SECOND.

Owen Wilson: Come back to me, baby.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. But: are we monogamous? Because we haven’t had that conversation, apparently, though we are living together.

Owen Wilson: Sure, baby, yeah…we are now! Bye!!! I’m going on the road! I will probably not cheat on you!

Reese Witherspoon: I’m moving out again!

Paul Rudd: With all these hijinks, you would think this movie would be more hilarious, but it really isn’t. Sorry. At least I’m dreamy.

Reese Witherspoon: Can I come hang out with you again? Platonically? Even though I know you’re in love with me?

Paul Rudd: Yes, of course! I’m just waiting to see if my friend has her baby.

[the phone RINGS]

Paul Rudd: Oh, she had it, just now. Let’s go to the hospital!

[they DO, and film the BABYDADDY proposing, but then the CAMERA isn’t ON, and they RE-DO it, and it is apparently HILARIOUS, but really just terrible and boring and awful]

Kathryn Hahn: My life is fine now because I have a baby and a fiancé!

Reese Witherspoon: I don’t think I want those things, but I don’t know! Oh, epiphanies!! Oh, and my birthday was tonight. Tomorrow, my boyfriend or whatever he is is throwing me a party.

Paul Rudd: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let me come to your party. Then I will declare my love for you and decide if I want to go to jail for my dad. If you love me, NO JAIL.

[there is a FANCY PARTY full of LITERAL BALLERS]

Owen Wilson: I got you this diamond watch that proves I will spend a lot of money on you. Also, I didn’t let you take your time unwrapping it, which also proves I am wrong for you.

Paul Rudd: I got you this Play-Doh and the story of how Play-Doh was invented, and how with one small adjustment, your life could be perfect. Also I let you unwrap the present at your own pace.

Reese Witherspoon: Of course! These metaphorical differences between the two men who are pursuing me prove everything! I love Paul Rudd.

[she follows him to the BUS STOP and they KISS because they are PERFECT for each other because SURE SOULMATES RIGHT FINE]

Jack Nicholson: I’m going to prison for fraud LOL

Guest Post: Tron: Legacy

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:46:00 +0000

My younger brother saw Tron: Legacy and dictated this to me. Also, I am writing this post at 39,000 feet. FUTURE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disney: Hey, guys? Remember Tron???? We made it again!!
FIN

Black Swan

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 04:33:00 +0000

[it is A BALLET STAGE]
Natalie Portman: I'm dancing! I'm dancing the Swan Queen and I'm beautiful!! Oh, it was all a dream. I guess I'm just in my pink bedroom full of stuffed animals.
Barbara Hershey: Sweetheart? Let me help you get dressed.
Natalie Portman: Ugh, Mom, I'm an adult.
Barbara Hershey: NO YOU ARE NOT. Have fun at work. Make sure you're the best ballerina ever, because I need to live vicariously through you.
[she goes and DANCES with lots of TECHNIQUE but very little PASSION]
Vincent Cassel: Allo, dancers. I weel be peecking a new Swan Queen this year. It will be VERY IMPORTANT. I am French.
[they have AUDITIONS and Natalie Portman is REAL GOOD but NOT SEXY ENOUGH]
Mila Kunis: Ha ha! I wear black and laugh a lot! This is because I am sexual, UNLIKE YOU.
Natalie Portman: I am fragile! I didn't get the part!
[she WEEPS and tears at her FINGERNAILS]
Barbara Hershey: You go in there and get that part.
Natalie Portman: Um, so, I was hoping I could be the Swan Queen.
Vincent Cassel: Ow weel you convince me, eh?
[he KISSES her and it is CREEPY and she BITES him]
Vincent Cassel: Now I see you have ze passion. YOU ARE MY NEW SWAN QUEEN.
Winona Ryder: Noooooooooooo! I am in this movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Vincent Cassel: Pay no mind to her, she is washed up, non?
[there is a GALA]
Vincent Cassel: The sex, do you like it?
Natalie Portman: Uh, haha, I'm innocent! Look! I'm even wearing a white gown. All white and pink, all the time! Byeeee!
[she WEEPS some more]
Barbara Hershey: What are these scratches on your back? ARE YOU SCRATCHING YOURSELF?
[she VIOLENTLY clips Natalie Portman's NAILS and it is ICKY]
Natalie Portman: I must find the passion in my dance!
[she TRIES to do that, but DOES NOT because of her INNOCENCE and FRAGILITY]
Mila Kunis: Let's smoke in the rehearsal space! I am a bad girl! Wooooo!
Vincent Cassel: Your friend Mila Kunis tells me I am working you too hard.
Natalie Portman: What? No!!
Mila Kunis: Sorry about that. To make up for it, I will take you out for a drink and then drug you.
[they go to a RAVE, which is apparently STILL A THING]
Natalie Portman: Ha ha! Rebelling against my mother is the best!
Mila Kunis: I know, right?! Let's make out!!
[they DO, and then have SEX and it is HOT???? but actually more CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god, why did you just leave my house this morning?
Mila Kunis: Ummmm what? Wait, did you have a lezzie wet dream about me?* LOL YOU DID!
Natalie Portman: I don't know what's real!!!!
[she finds a FEATHER growing out of her BACK]
Natalie Portman: What is happening to me?!?!? I'm so skinny but still pretty but so creeped out right now!!
[she sees a figure COVERED IN BLOOD]
Lauren and Claire: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Natalie Portman: I will go talk to Winona Ryder, who is in the hospital because she ran in front of a car earlier.
[she gives Winona back the NAIL FILE she stole from her and Winona stabs HER OWN FACE with it]
Natalie Portman: Things!! Happening! Weird things!!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[it is the NIGHT OF THE SHOW]
Mila Kunis: Oh, hey, FYI, I'm your alternate, which is apparently what we call understudies in dancing? Promise I'm not trying to be you or anything.
Natalie Portman: Yes you are!!!
[she fucking STABS her with a piece of a MIRROR and it is like DAMN]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DANCES like she's NEVER DANCED BEFORE and starts to TURN INTO a BLACK SWAN]
Vincent Cassel: Zut alors! You have found ZE PASSION.
Natalie Portman: But what about the body in my dressing room?
Mila Kunis: Heyyyyy I'm not dead! You are going crazy! And actually you stabbed yourself, haha!!
Natalie Portman: Oh, shit, I did. BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DOES, and is PERFECT, and then DIES?]
Darren Aronofsky: BEHOLD MY GENIUS!! BEHOLD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Town

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 17:44:00 +0000

[it is BOSTON, DUH]
Bank Employees: La, la, la, working at the bank is so fun and ---AAAAAAA!!
[some ZOMBIE MONKEYS - well, guys in zombie monkey MASKS - come in and ROB the place]
Zombie Monkey: Awl right, down awn the fluah! You theah! Open this safe!
Rebecca Hall: I'm trying, but your accents are so thick! Waaaahhh!
[they KICK Victor Garber in the FACE and PISTOL-WHIP him]
Victor Garber: I'm just glad I'm working!!
Zombie Monkey: We ahhh takin you hawstage, bank lady! Get in the van! And shut up!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. Though we are bank robbers??
Zombie Monkey Jeremy Renner: What the fuck? Of cawse we'll hurt her if we hafta. I might fly off the handle at any moment!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Give me a second, Renner, I'm trying to establish my character as being sympathetic!!
[they DO NOT, in fact, HURT her, but let her go at the BEACH]
[meanwhile, at the FBI]
Jon Hamm: Someone! Anyone! Do something about my hair! It's very Draper-y at the moment. Also, get me some leads on these bank robbers. They're very good.
Cable Guy: Someone messed with the cables here. He must work for the cable company.
Jon Hamm: That's a good lead, and I am very handsome!
[meanwhile, in a TOWNIE BAR]
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonian gibberish]
Ben Affleck: I'm nawt in yah life no mawwwwwhhhh!
[they FUCK anyway]
Jeremy Renner: We gawta take cayuh of this fuckin toonie bank employee. I can't control my rage!!
Ben Affleck: Don't worry. I gawt this. Lemme just get my Bruins jersey and put it awn, because wheah ahhhh we? BAWSTON.
[he STALKS her, and then BEFRIENDS her at the LAUNDROMAT, because that's a GREAT PLAN]
Rebecca Hall: I was a hostage in a bank robbery the other day. I thought I should tell you, since we're on a date, and I feel really comfortable with you? I guess? Also, here's more information than you need about what I know about the bank robbery, which I'm sure you're not involved in, because that would be bizarre.
[they go to a COMMUNITY GARDEN, since she is apparently some sort of SAINT]
Ben Affleck: I gawta go, I gawta jawb to do.
[they rob AN ARMORED CAR in fucking BROAD DAYLIGHT and there is a MILDLY EXCITING car chase]
Jon Hamm: Goddamnit! We know who they all are, why can't we catch them?! I am handsome enough to catch anyone!!
[meanwhile, in CHARLESTOWN, which is in BOSTON, we are in BOSTON, look, there is the Bunker Hill Monument AGAIN]
Jeremy Renner: You bangin' that fuckin toonie hawstage we took? What the fuck!?!
Ben Affleck: I'm leavin' this whole fuckin town in my REAHVIEW.* I ain't doin' this no mawhhhh!
[he punches something with EMOTION]
Jeremy Renner: Yeah, well, remembah how my parents took you in when your fathah went away? That's exposition, bitch!
Ben Affleck: We're, like, two-thirds of the way through the movie. That would have been helpful earlier.
[meanwhile, at his GIRLFRIEND/HOSTAGE'S house]
Jon Hamm: btw, your boyfriend is a bank robber. He took you hostage. SORRY.
Rebecca Hall: What the fuuuuuuuuck?!
Ben Affleck: Listen, let me talk to you!
Rebecca Hall: Well...I COULD call the police, since you're a lying sack of shit and a possibly violent criminal...but I liked that time when we had sex. So, go ahead and talk.
Ben Affleck: I'm not a bad guy! Seriously! Run away with me!
Rebecca Hall: You really are terrible at life, aren't you?
[meanwhile, at the FLORIST'S]
Pete Postlethwaite: I'm a terrifying Irish florist who controls all you do. Oh, also, your mom didn't leave your dad, she killed herself. BURN!! Now, go rob another bank or I'll kill your girlfriend.
Ben Affleck: Well, if weahhh gawna do a last jawb, it bettah be a good one. Weahh hittin fuckin FENWAY PAAAAHHHHHHKKK.
[they devise a PLAN that involves MANY OUTFITS and MILLIONS of DOLLARS]
Jon Hamm: So, you like heroin?
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonion heroin addict mumbo-jumbo]
Jon Hamm: Thanks, tits. TO FENWAY!
[they SURROUND the park and there is a SHOOTOUT and EVERYONE DIES except Affleck]
Ben Affleck: My gentle nature has allowed me to live!
Rebecca Hall [on phone]: I want to see you! There are no cops here!!
[there are like A BILLION cops]
Ben Affleck: Really?
Rebecca Hall: No, not really, here is some code only you will understand, so you can escape, because I love you? Even though our entire relationship was a lie? I think I was hypnotized by your manly chest and many tattoos.
[he BURIES a bunch of CASH in the COMMUNITY GARDEN where ONLY SHE will find it and then she uses it for an ICE RINK]
Rebecca Hall: I wonder if the ice rink people will wonder where I got all this cash? Oh well!

Updated to add: this is amazing.

Saint Ange/House of Voices

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 13:12:00 +0000

I promise you, this condensed version makes EXACTLY AS MUCH or possibly MORE sense than the movie.
~~~~~~~
[it is an ORPHANAGE in FRANCE]
Little Boy: Hey! There are scary children in the bathroom! In the mirror! Let's look at them by climbing on the sink!
Little Girl: Uh, that might be a bad--
Little Boy: [falls to his DEATH]
[it is a BUS STOP]
Virginie Ledoyen: Bonjour. Je suis --
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Oh, we're speaking English.
Virginie Ledoyen: But...I'm French. And you are French. Everyone in this movie is French. We're in fucking France. Why are we speaking English?
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Je ne sais p--I mean, I don't know. Anyway, come with me to the orphanage with your suitcases full of secrets.
[they go to the ORPHANAGE, but all the children are LEAVING because they all SIMULTANEOUSLY got ADOPTED, which seems UNLIKELY]
Little Girl: [mysterious whisper]
Virginie Ledoyen: Oh REALLY?!
Helenka: I am from an indeterminate non-France country, and I will be staying here with you to clean the orphanage since it's now...closed? I guess? And we're going to clean it, for some reason. Oh, and don't mind Judith.
Judith: I'm crazy! I take crazy pills!!
Helenka: Calm down!!
Virginie Ledoyen: I have a feeling something...MYSTERIOUS happened here. Like, maybe a child DIED.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Uh, yeah, we told you that.
Virginie Ledoyen: I will uncover the SECRET!! But I also have a secret!! Ha ha ha!!
[she UNWRAPS her BELLY to reveal she is PREGGERS]
Everyone: Duh, we knew that. Why else would a super-pretty girl hole herself up in an abandoned orphanage except that she's a whore? Ha ha, whores get what the deserve.
[some DOORS open and then CLOSE]
Virginie Ledoyen: OMG SCARY!!
[she finds a CHAPEL with some PHOTOS of DEAD CHILDREN]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: That's right! You have found our secret!!!
[she removes the TARP from a CAR with a great FLOURISH]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Yes! There were children at this orphanage! CHILDREN!! Then they died.
Virginie Ledoyen: MY GOD!!! SUCH SECRETS!!
[some FOOTSTEPS are HEARD but it is LITERALLY NOTHING]
Helenka: CALM DOWN! [something in Romanian]
[they find some KITTENS but then someone DROWNS the kittens]
Judith: You didn't want me to have the kittens!!!
Virginie Ledoyen: Let's go investigate the big bathroom where the scary children used to hang out!
[she CONVINCES Judith to stop taking her CRAZY PILLS to bring her into her INSANITY]
Judith: Yes! I am fully crazy now!
[they throw a FLASHLIGHT through the MIRROR to reveal a SECRET AREA]
Virginie Ledoyen: Good thing my flashlight still works after I chucked it through a fucking mirror! Now, let's explore this area with rotting wood floors.
[she finds a DUMBWAITER because those are SCARY]
Judith: It doesn't work! Look! Look!
Virginie Ledoyen: The door has to be closed for it to work.*
[she finds an IMMACULATE WHITE LABORATORY that is like a MILLION FEET DOWN that could be a MURDER ROOM but could also be an ALIEN LAB]
Virginie Ledoyen: The scary children!! THEY ARE HERE!!
[some BALD KIDS roll up and she BIRTHS her baby on the FLOOR, SCREAMING]
Helenka: So...yeah. She went crazy, I guess? She definitely drowned those kittens. And now she's dead? But I'm not sure where.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: She's outside the dumbwaiter. On the main floor. Or possibly in the basement. Where there is definitely not a murder room.
Judith: Let's get out of here! I am taking my pills again...OR AM I!?!?!
[she sees Virginie Ledoyen, NUDE, nursing her BABY, surrounded by BALD KIDS, with ALL-WHITE EYES and it is kind of BLASE actually]
Everyone: SECRETS!!!!

Guest Post: It's Complicated

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:40:00 +0000

Since I keep dropping the ball, my frequent contributor Laura McClain has picked up the slack. I even SAW this movie and was uninspired to write about it. It's...pretty dumb. But no one can resist La Streep and the Best Baldwin AND Steve Martin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the PRESENT]

Meryl Streep: I can’t believe my kids are all grown up and out of the house. As a warm earth mother/wildly successful caterer, my life is so hectic!

[she RUNS INTO her ex-husband Alec Baldwin at a PARTY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, Meryl. You’re such a great lady. Look at you, being all 60-something and independent.

[he GRABS the ASS of his TROPHY wife]

Rita Wilson: I still can’t believe he left you for that young idiot.

Mary Kay Place: I know, right? Men are the worst.

Meryl Streep: Eh, I’m basically over it.

[they CLINK their GIANT glasses of WHITE WINE]

Meryl Streep: Aging sure is “complicated”. Plastic surgeon, do you think you can help me with my droopy eyelid?

Plastic Surgeon: Sure. We can cut your face open and staple your skin to your skull.

Meryl Streep: [RUNS AWAY]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, hello Meryl. Funny running into you in this elevator.

[he HIDES a PAMPHLET on INFERTILITY]

Meryl Streep: Ha! I can’t believe he’s going to try and have another child. Especially since our creepy, “Children of the Corn”-esque children are all in their 20s!
[they GO to NY to ATTEND the GRADUATION of one of the CREEPY KIDS]

Creepy Kid #1: Mom, we’re all going to go party tonight! Laters!

Meryl Streep: Ah, empty-nest syndrome. I will go to the bar to drown my sorrows.

Alec Baldwin: Why Meryl! What are you doing here? Let’s have wine. And scotch. And martinis. Maybe a tequila shot? Now we will dance awkwardly to this Jimmy Buffet song.

[they FUCK in his HOTEL room and it is both GROSS and extremely ENTERTAINING]

Alec Baldwin: [GRABS her VAGINA] Home sweet home!*

Meryl Streep: [BARFS in a DRAWER]

Creepy Kid #2: I’m so glad our whole family is here in New York! It’s like old times!

[the KIDS and John Krasinski, CREEPY #1’s fiancé, LOOK at each other in a NAUSEATING way]

Meryl Streep: This never happened, Alec! We’re going back to California and never speaking of this again!

Alec Baldwin: Whatever you say.

[he THRUSTS his HIPS in a GROSS/HILARIOUS manner]

Meryl Streep: Well, I’m glad that crazy weekend is over! Time to focus on building a giant addition to my house, which makes perfect sense, now that I’m the only one living here.

Steve Martin: Hello! I am your low-key, modest architect. You sure are pretty, elderly lady.

Meryl Streep: Your gentle humor is a welcome change from my blustery ex-husband! Let me make you a fancy sandwich in my catalogue kitchen.

[they EAT a MEAL that is FOOD PORN]

Alec Baldwin: Zounds! Why is this white-haired rascal sniffing around my woman?

[he LURKS outside the WINDOW, HILARIOUSLY]

Alec Baldwin: OMG, I thought he’d never leave.*

[they BONE again, and it is CUTE because they are both LESS HOT than they USED to be]

Alec Baldwin: Here, Meryl. Take this giant blunt. We will smoke it together someday.

Meryl Streep: Whatever you say, big guy.

[she WIGS out a BIT]

Meryl Streep: Friends, I must tell you! I’m sleeping with my ex! I’m a bit of a slut!*

[they all CELEBRATE and SPILL their WHITE WINE and like, DANCE around a DINING table or SOMETHING]

Alec Baldwin: Let’s bone at this hotel!

[John Krasinksi SEES them TRYSTING in the ELEVATOR in a LUDICROUS coincidence]

Meryl Streep: I will now disrobe in front of you, Alec. Please don’t comment on my age.

[he STARES at her in WONDER and then has a PANIC attack or SOMETHING]

Doctor: I have made a house call to this hotel, because that is a real thing that happens. You should start taking this embarrassing old-man medication.

Alec Baldwin: But that will reduce my sperm count! I mean….

Meryl Streep: Yes….I prefer a lot of semen.*

[they WATCH Oprah, like the OLD FARTS they are]

Steve Martin: Hello, Meryl! I have the new plans for your ridiculously huge home addition. Now you can see the ocean from your window. The ocean that is blue like your glorious eyes.

Meryl Streep: Would you like to go to my son’s graduation party with me tomorrow?

Steve Martin: Yahooo!

Alec Baldwin: Can I come over tonight and fuuuuuuck? You can make me my favorite dinner.

Meryl Streep: I cannot resist you and your gravelly voice.

[she MAKES the DINNER but he DOES not SHOW]

Meryl Streep: Pish. I can’t believe I waited around for him! I will smoke this giant blunt to feel better about my life.

Steve Martin: Here I am, ready to pick you up for our date.

Meryl Streep: [eating GIANT piece of CAKE] Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!

[they GO to the PARTY and SMOKE the GIANT blunt and it is TRULY hilarious]

Steve Martin: [various STONER things]

John Krasinski: I can’t believe you’re smoking pot!

Steve Martin: Want some?

John Krasinski: Hell yeah!

Alec Baldwin: I feel left out! You were supposed to smoke the blunt with ME!

Meryl Streep: Here you go!

[they are all HIGH and HILARIOUS and Alec Baldwin’s TROPHY WIFE can see that he still LOVES Meryl]

Steve Martin: Let’s eat some more food! Still high!

[they MAKE croissants and MAKE OUT and it is SQUICKY because I am IMMATURE]

Alec Baldwin: My wife kicked me out. Can I stay with you?

[he WEEPS]

Creepy Child #3: Oh Daddy, of course you can! Let’s all stay here, at Mom’s house! You too, Krasinski!

[they DO and Baldwin TRIES to SEDUCE Meryl in with their KIDS in the other ROOM which is a CLASSY move]

Alec Baldwin: I will get naked in front of this computer! I’m sure Meryl is not Skypeing with the architect! If Diane Keaton movies have taught me anything, it is that old people do not understand technology!

[she IS and Martin SEES his DICK and is subsequently HEARTBROKEN]

Creepsters: You and Daddy are having an affair?

Meryl Streep: Yes, but we’re not getting back together!

[they RUN AWAY]

Meryl Streep: What have I done?!?!

John Krasinksi: Come see your children. They need you!

My Friend Sean: Get your own family, Krasinski.*

[there is WEEPING and a GROUP HUG]

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry I messed everything up. I still love you.

Meryl Streep: It is too “complicated”.

[she GOES to her MANSION, all ALONE]

Steve Martin: Hey, I’m back. Want to make some croissants? This is not a euphemism.

[PRESUMABLY they FALL in LOVE and HOPEFULLY get HIGH some MORE]

UCM Classique: The Net

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:03:00 +0000

I know, I know, I've been slacking over here. I sort of really got into updating my other blog and also not seeing very many movies, so it's been a dry spell up in this piece. So here's a "classic" (read: old) post for your perusal while I get my shit together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1995]

Sandra Bullock: I am so good at computers. I can find problems in any program, as well as order pizza online, though literally no pizza place had online ordering in 1995.

Dale [on phone]: I’m sending you a big virus. I can’t talk about it over the phone, though. Let’s meet in real life.

Sandra Bullock: AAAAAAAA! Real people terrify me! I shall take this virus to Mexico as my pet.

[she CHATS with some ONLINE people who do NOT terrify her and shares her ROMANTIC DREAMS]

Sandra Bullock: Off to Mexico! I’m so ready for a relaxing vacation. But first, I’ll stop and see my mom in the nursing home.

Her Mom: Are you one of my students? I don’t know you.

Sandra Bullock: Alzheimer’s sucks. I’m going to call Dale.

Some Other Guy: Dale is dead. His plane crashed because of a computer malfunction.

[she goes to the AIRPORT and everything is BROKEN and the arrival and departure screens say things like “HIJACKED” though clearly a screen would NEVER say that]

Sandra Bullock: Hmmm…my knowledge of computers tells me that this is odd. But I’ll go to Mexico anyway.

[she DOES and is the HOTTEST GEEK EVER and is on her LAPTOP on the BEACH]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll take a Gibson. That’s a martini with an onion instead of an olive, and also a calculated attempt to get that woman to notice me.

Sandra Bullock: Boy, did that ever work!

[they have a WHIRLWIND romance that ENDS with some dude STEALING her purse so she has NO ID and NO VIRUS]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll save you! But really I will KILL you.

[they go on a BOAT to a SECLUDED spot and he TRIES to kill her but she ESCAPES and takes the VIRUS with her]

Sandra Bullock: I have to get home! But I have no identity! DAMN YOU, COMPUTERS!

Embassy Woman: The computers say you’re someone else.

Sandra Bullock: Sigh. I will compromise my ideals to get home.

[she SIGNS the visa with someone else’s NAME and goes HOME, only to find that her LIFE has been ERASED]

Sandra Bullock: Someone must remember me!!

Dennis Miller: Hey babe…you look worse than a heretic after she’s met with the Grand Inquisitor. Am I right? Am I right?

Sandra Bullock: Shut UP! Just help me! The internet is out to get me!

[he gets KILLED by COMPUTERS that FUCK UP his prescription]

Sandra Bullock: Help me, online friend!

[the ONLINE FRIEND gets KILLED at a SCARY CARNIVAL]

Jeremy Northam: You see? YOU SEE? YOU CAN’T GET AWAY.

Sandra Bullock: You’re right…I can’t. So I will TAKE YOU DOWN.

[she BREAKS into the software company, where SOMEONE is using her IDENTITY, and uses IP ADDRESSES to find out who is behind all the SHENANIGANS]

Sandra Bullock: Oh my! It’s the CEO of the computer security company! He built a program to break into everything! How dishonest!

Conveniently Placed PA Announcement: The booth for this software company at the big software expo is in the southeast corner.

Sandra Bullock: That’s it!!

[she GOES to the EXPO and puts the VIRUS in the computer with the DISHONESTY PROGRAM]

Sandra Bullock: I just sent everything to the FBI, suckaaaaa!

Jeremy Northam: Well, we have access to the FBI, so who’s the sucka now??? I’ll just press the escape key and this will all go awa---WHAAAAA?!?!?

[the ESCAPE KEY activates the VIRUS, which makes all the SCREENS look like they are MELTING, including the one displaying the FAKE IDENTITY of Sandra Bullock, so we can see how everything is OKAY now]

Sandra Bullock: Perhaps I shall start a garden. Those can’t erase your identity.

1995 Audience: I am afraid of the internet. I sure hope it doesn’t catch on too much.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 02:36:00 +0000

[it is SEATTLE. You can tell because of the RAIN]
Some Guy: I'm really hot and walking in the rain, in an alley, in the dark. Always a good plan.
[he gets CHASED and BIT by VAMPIRES]
Some Guy: Owwwww! This will not be the last time you see me in this movie!!!
[MEANWHILE, in the DREAM MEADOW]
KStew: I read poetry because it makes me sound super deep. Check it: "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire--"
Robert Frost: Fuck you, stop reading my poem in that monotone.
RPattz: Well, I thought it was good.
[they STARE at each other, BLURRILY, so you know it's ROMANTIC]
RPattz: Marry me.
KStew: Make me a vampire.
RPattz: How many times are we going to have this conversation?
KStew: Um...a lot, I think. We've already had it like 5 times. And each time I somehow look less interested in you.
[MEANWHILE, in Mustacheville]
Sheriff Swan: Bella, you're my daughter, but I grounded you because I am totally Team Jacob. You should probably be hanging out with him more.
KStew: GOD DAD I TOLD YOU I LOVE EDWARD GODDDDD also Jacob won't call me back so I just stare at his poorly-written letter all day. Let's just go to school.
Anna Kendrick: I was nominated for an Oscar, for God's sake. Ugh, whatever.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'm going to throw a graduation party! I can already tell it's gonna be amazing. Because I'm psychic. Also I can see something else, something LOOMING, as you can tell by my "worried" face.
[MEANWHILE, in Bella's BEDROOM]
Some Guy, Now Revealed to Be Riley: Mmmmm...human scent.
RPattz: Uh, so maybe you should skip town for a second, Bella? For no real reason other than you like seeing your mom, and you might not get to see her EVER AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
KStew: K.
[they sit in the SUN except Edward SPARKLES in the sun, so he just CHILLS in the KITCHEN]
Bella's Mom: I made you a quilt of memories! Literally! Well, almost literally! It's just tshirts.
[they HUG in a really AWKWARD way]
KStew: Thanks, Mom. This will be great for when I'm a vampire and don't need to sleep. I mean...thanks.
[back in FORKS, the RAINIEST PLACE that ever got RAINED on]
Cullens: It's Victoria, the bad vampire! Hey, Victoria, you look different somehow.
Bryce Dallas Howard: No I don't! Don't you see my red hair? It's obviously still me.
Cullens: Okay! Let's fight!
[they DO, and a WEREWOLF also helps, and there is ANIMOSITY, and she ESCAPES]
KStew: That vacation was nice! I'm glad I got to see my mom before I become undead. Well, back to school.
Taylor "Baby Mustache" Lautner: Hey. I'm wearing a shirt, but I promise, it's me.
KStew: What are you doing here? Why won't you return my calls? How can you have that many abs?
Taylor "Pipes" Lautner: Well, I just thought you should know that the vampire who wanted to kill you is back. Also good to know? I have a motorcycle.
KStew: Let's ride on it.
RPattz: Ummmm it's literally the beginning of the school day, what are you doing?
[they DRIVE OFF, though they were AT SCHOOL and her dad is the fucking SHERIFF]
KStew: Why you be frontin'?
Taylor "Babysmooth" Lautner: Well, it's kind of complicated, and might involve a made-up thing that we werewolves have called "imprinting." It means two people are M.F.E.O., in the words of that girl in Sleepless in Seattle.
KStew: Huh. Okay. I hope that doesn't come back later in this book series and get super weird.
Taylor "I'd Hit It" Lautner: Don't worry, it won't. PSYCH!! It totally will. But anyways, what I wanted to tell you was that the orange-haired vampire is still totes trying to kill you.
KStew: She's really bad at killing me. It took her a whole movie and a casting change so far. Jeez.
Taylor "Tribal Tat" Lautner: I know, right? Plus there's some new vampire around who wants to kill you too. Everyone wants you, Bella. Especially me. In a sexual way. But it's cool, we got this covered.
[they establish a PROTECTION SCHEDULE so Bella doesn't DIE]
RPattz: Why do I have to drop you off with that...thing?
Taylor "Finally Shirtless" Lautner: No bigs, guys, just toolin' around town with no shirt on. DEAL WITH IT.
[they go to a COUNCIL MEETING, which does not sound like a FUN DATE]
KStew: Ummmmm you do know I'm white, right? If I knew I was coming to some sort of council meeting, I'd have stopped by the Trite Native American Stereotype Store and picked up a peace pipe.
Taylor "GNC Frequent Buyer's Club" Lautner: No worries, the tribe will accept you for no reason that's been established. Now let's listen to some legends that might inspire your later actions!
[they hear a STORY about a WIFE who CUT herself to distract a VAMPIRE one time]
KStew: Wow. I'm inspired. Can't you see it on my face?
Anyone: No.
Taylor "Lopsided But Still Extremely Attractive Pecs" Lautner: I can see it. And I love you. And now I will kiss you!!
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE and breaks her HAND]
KStew: Go away! I don't want to be your friend anymore!! I just want to be a Mormon, I mean vampire!!!
Rosalie, the Pretty Vampire: Ugh! You're so dumb! Why do you want to be a vampire? All we get are amber contacts, a thirst for blood, and terrible wigs.
KStew: Because I love Edward, duh.
Rosalie: Well, I loved some man once and he and his friends gang-raped me to death, so. Deal with that.
KStew: Whoa, heavy.
Jasper, the Possibly-Southern Vampire: Yeah, and I got used by a sexy lady vampire to train newborns in her vampire army. Let's watch a flashback about it. My wig was just as bad back then.
KStew: Hold on! I just now realized that these mysterious stranger vampires and Victoria are RELATED. And I'm the first one to realize it! Which means...I'm the smartest person in this movie! Yessssssss.
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Well, perhaps we can broker a truce with the wolves to help us fight this encroaching army.
Taylor "Jorts" Lautner: On one condition: will we, at any time, be required to wear shirts?
Mr. Kelly Taylor: You are no more required to wear shirts than we are to wear wigs that look like actual hair, so: no.
Taylor "18 Years Old as of 2/11/2010" Lautner: We're in.
[they TRAIN for the FIGHT and it is JUST KIND OF COOL]
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: Wait!! What about my graduation party!?
KStew: Is that tonight? I thought we were painting a house, so I wore this raggedy old shirt. But this looks like a party.
Taylor "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Chest Hair" Lautner: Yeah. And we showed up. Even though we're in a fight now or whatever. But I'm over it. But I'm not. So much conflict.
[he STARES at something to show his CONFLICT]
Taylor "Skin the Color Mocha/Livin' La Vida Loca" Lautner: But I did bring you a present. It's a charm in the shape of a wolf. I made it myself, which is why it's so shitty-looking.
KStew: You made it? I would have sworn it was from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store.
RPattz: Okay, enough chatter. So we'll hide in the mountains while the fight is happening and everything will be okay. Let's go to the literal top of a mountain where it is fucking SNOWING and not bring enough blankets.
KStew: But...I'm cold. See? I'm shivering. It's my one acting technique.
Taylor "Share My Sleeping Bag" Lautner: I'll warm her up. I'm hotter than you.*
Team Jacob: OH SNAP Y'ALL
RPattz: Perhaps we can take this moment to come to an understanding, dog. She picked me.
Taylor "Body Heat" Lautner: But she could still pick me. I'm better for her. And her feelings apparently don't matter. We'll just sort it out between us men.
RPattz: Well, she agreed to marry me already, so...YA BURNT.
Taylor "Low Rise Cargo Shorts" Lautner: AAAARGH THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE!!! Good thing there is an army of vampires down there!
KStew: No! I will keep you here with kissing!!
[they MAKE OUT with her PSYCHIC BOYFRIEND, like, FEET away]
Taylor "Honey Dip Can I Get a Scoop" Lautner: I have to go. I have to fight the vampires. Also I need to hide my huge boner. But mostly to fight the vampires.
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and it is PRETTY RAD ACTUALLY]
Dakota Fanning: Oh. Hello. I brought my Steampunk Justin Bieber Vampire Squad here to remind you that we're in charge. You know, the Italian vampires with the council? You remember us.
The Gayest-Looking Steampunk Vampire, Which is Pretty Impressive Really: I've got pretty feet!
Cullens: That's great and all, but that orange-haired vampire is still trying to kill our human friend.
RPattz: No, I defeated her. It pretty much played out exactly how you thought it would.
KStew: I cut myself like the lady in that story from before!! Yayyyyy
Taylor "Still Hot When Injured" Lautner: Well, I broke every bone in my body, so BEAT THAT.
KStew: Oh. Sorry. And I'm still marrying the vampire. Because I want to bone him. And we can't until after we're married. Because fornication is a sin or whatever.
Stephenie Meyer: Still Mormon! Woooooo!

Murdoch List

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 16:44:00 +0000

Midnight screening of a Twilight movie? I'm getting too old for this shit. So I'm going on Friday, at 7pm, like a normal person. So expect a condensed version of Eclipse, forthcoming.

But to whet your appetite:

Remember when I condensed New Moon? That one I did see at midnight on opening night. (There is a world of difference between 28 and 29, I guess.) Oh, werewolf jailbait hottness, how I love thee.

And remember that other time when I condensed the first movie? That one I watched secretly in my living room via OnDemand, making sure that my roommates were not home, because even though the three of us watch some of the most terrible TV shows ever made together, I thought they would judge me for wanting to see what the fuss was about.

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 16:03:00 +0000

[it is PRETEND NEW YORK]
Carrie: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! And wearing crazier dresses than ever.
Charlotte: OMG A WEDDING I LIVE FOR WEDDINGS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GAY WEDDINGS.
Samantha: I just hope there's a straight man there I can bone in the bathroom.
Miranda: Oh look: there is. WHAT A SURPRISE.
[they are all EXACTLY THE SAME except more PARODY-LIKE]
Liza Minnelli: How gay is this gay wedding? Gay enough that I am both officiating it, and performing "All the Single Ladies." So: very gay.
Big: Do we haaaaaaaaaave to go out tonight? I just want to hang out on the couch. Look! I even bought us a sweet TV!
Carrie: Nooooo we can't turn boring!! Though our lives are literally made of fantasy!!
[she puts on a SHINY JUMPSUIT]
Samantha: Hold on, I'm putting cream on my vag. Okay, what? Smith Jerrod is on the phone? And he is still very attractive? And he wants me to be his publicist again? Super!
[they go to a MOVIE PREMIERE and Miley Cyrus is there for SOME REASON]
Miranda: By the way, I hate my job, so I quit it. I guess we're not really dealing with my issues in this movie? Whatevs, as long as my hair looks cute, which it does.
Carrie: Mine does too, mostly! I'm gonna go to my old apartment, which I still own for some reason, and write for a few days.
Big: Dang, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's bone.
[presumably, they DO, but she keeps her BRA on]
Samantha: Guess what, ladies! I just randomly got us a trip to Aaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaabi! I don't even know how I did it! I think it was my creamed-up vag, though.
Charlotte: But I have responsibilities! I need to make cupcakes while holding my child and talking on the phone and wearing vintage Valentino! THESE THINGS CANNOT WAIT.
[they BULLY her into agreeing to go]
Carrie: So off we went, halfway around the world, with 85 dresses each, and plenty of preconceived notions about the middle east. We were ready. Oh, and girls? Big and I think we might take a few days off from each other a week.
Charlotte: BUT THAT IS UNORTHODOX AND MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER AND THE ONLY DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE I SUBSCRIBE TO IS THE NORMAL ONE
Carrie's Butler, because they each get a butler: I am from India and only see my wife occasionally. And we're okay.
Carrie: See? These third-world people do things differently! And they're fine. I mean, weird, but fine. Look! That girl is wearing a burqa AND eating french fries!
Charlotte: But I miss my family!!
Carrie: This is an inter-French-ion!** You have to stop thinking about your family for a second!
Charlotte: BUT I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS KIDS AND NOW HAS THEM AND LOVES THEM BUT IT'S SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I AM CRAZY RICH AND HAVE A HOT NANNY!!
Samantha: Come on, let's ride camels in Aaaaaaaaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaaaaabi! It'll be funny because we're white!
Miranda: And it will allow me to use this pun I just thought of: inter-fun-tion! It's like an intervention, but FUN! GET IT?!
[Charlotte FALLS OFF the camel and it is NOT EVEN AMUSING]
Samantha: Oh, look. A man. I would like to have sex with him.
Carrie: Lawrence of Arabia?
Samantha: More like Lawrence of my labia.*
[she BONES him in PUBLIC and gets ARRESTED, but not before:]
Carrie: Ooh, look! Shoes! I love those! It is one of my main character traits! I'm going to buy some, but first I'll put down these spices I bought before.
[she SETS the SPICES DOWN and you KNOW something BAD is going to happen LATER]
Aidan: Oh! Hey! We used to date! And now I'm extremely attractive! And somehow in a spice market in Abu Dhabi! Let's have dinner!
[they DO, and they KISS, and she tells BIG and he is KINDA MAD, she THINKS]
Carrie: Oh god! I'm having a mid-wife crisis!
Miranda: Wait...is that like...a mid-life crisis except you're a wife? Or a crisis involving a midwife? Because it really sounds like the latter, and that...doesn't make sense.
Carrie: SHUT UP, I'M PUNNING.
Miranda: We have kids! So we're getting drunk while we're here!
Charlotte: Wooooooooooo Mommy's drunk!!!!
Samantha: I got arrested for being extremely disrespectful of the culture in this country...bail me out?
[they do, and their FREE TRIP gets CANCELLED so they have to PACK real FAST]
Charlotte: Oh my god! I'm so rich I don't know how to pack!!
Samantha: Just put it in your suitcase! God!
[they try to go to the AIRPORT and she wears SHORTS, which is like, a DICK MOVE]
Some Men: Those women are disrespecting us! Follow them!
Carrie: My passport is missing! It must be with those Foreshadowing Spices from before!
[they go BACK to the market and the passport is STILL THERE, which is BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE]
Some Men: Get back here! We have different values about women's bodies and your shorts are offending us!
A Girl in a Burqa: Come with me.
[they go into a BACK ROOM and all the women in BURQAS are wearing DESIGNER CLOTHES underneath and it is RETARDED]
Carrie: Wow! I guess we're all exactly the same in the world! Retarded! Let's ignore our significant cultural differences instead of trying to work through them.
Everyone: Yay!
[they FLY home in their PRINCESS CLASS SEATS]
Big: Oh, hey. Are we cool? I traded the sweet TV for some jewelry.
Carrie: Ladies be loving jewelry!
Miranda: I got a new job where my meetings are outside! I'm so happy!
Charlotte: I like being a mom again! But sometimes I need a break!
Samantha: I still like boning!
Everyone: We haven't changed! Don't you feel secure?
The Audience: No, it's kind of weird that you haven't changed, actually.

*I really thought she said "inter-French-ion," referring to the girl with the French fries? But the internet says it was "inter-friend-tion, which honestly makes even less sense to me, because who else but your friends would stage an intervention anyway? Isn't that the whole point of an intervention? "We love you, and we don't want you ruining your life with booze/meth/buying too many vintage dresses"? Ugh, whatever.

When in Rome (2010)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 21 May 2010 13:42:00 +0000

I went to LA last week on a secret mission having to do with a show that rhymes with Budge Budy, which meant I got to fly from New York to Chicago and Chicago to LA. It's been a long time since I flew with a connection - not because I'm not cheap (I am) or because I'm fancy (I am not), but because a) the only place I ever fly is home and b) I almost exclusively fly home on the airline based out of my hometown of Milwaukee, so direct flights are cheap(ish). Anyway, I haven't been on a flight long enough to warrant a movie in a while, either, and on the way there it was Extraordinary Measures, which for ONE SECOND I considered watching for blog purposes, but then decided to fall asleep in an ill-advised position instead.

But I noticed that on the way back it would be this movie, and guys, I was actually looking forward to it! Veronica Mars! Will Arnett! Mr. Fergie! My boyfriend, Bobby Moynihan! And honestly? I would totally not be sad to watch this again. It has a weirdly strong supporting cast, and K. Bell is cute, and Duhamel is charming, and hey! Angelica Huston! That said, it is completely formulaic and has no surprises, except that Don Johnson is in it. OOPS SORRY SPOILER ALERT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NOT ACTUALLY ROME]
Kristen Bell: Listen up, team. I am a VERY SERIOUS art curator at the Guggenheim, which we all know is VERY FANCY AND SERIOUS, and you can tell by my tight ponytail that I am not kidding around about my job.Now, let's event the shit out of this museum.
Her Quirky Assistant: Um...your ex is here.
Her Gay Friend: The one who dumped you in a horrible way!
Her Fat Friend: Let's all remind you of how he dumped you!
Kristen Bell: Guys, I am over him, okay? He is dead to me. I am all about work and being awesome at my job. He can suck a --
Lee Pace: Hello. I'm your ex. Did you miss my dreamyness?
Kristen Bell: Swoon! I did!
Lee Pace: Well, take one last look, because I'm engaged to someone else now! YA BURNT!
Kristen Bell: Oh, the humiliation! This encounter has spurred my determination to find love, though I am hard-nosed and work-centric!
Don Johnson: You really are, my daughter. I am in this movie. What?!!
Her Sister: Oh, btw, I'm getting married! In Rome! To a dude I just met! I am your polar opposite!
Kristen Bell: What the fuuuuuuu--I will just focus more on work!
Angelica Huston: Okay, we have another fundraiser coming up, a fundraiser headed by our youngest, least experienced curator that will determine the COURSE OF HER ENTIRE CAREER.
Kristen Bell: Gulp. Also, I need a couple days off to go to my little sister's wedding.
Angelica Huston: Because I am a dire warning of what you may become if you focus solely on your career, I don't understand families, or love, but fine. Go.
[she DOES, and it is ITALIAN and WHIMSICAL]
Italian Family Member: It's-a time-a for a tradizione where the maid of honor smashes a vase into pieces to symbolize how many years of happiness the bride and-a groom will have!
Kristen Bell: Sweet! Time for me to get slapsticky, y'all!
[she TRIES to break the VASE, but FAILS]
Josh Duhamel: Pardon me. Let me assist you. My handsomeness makes me very good at breaking vases.
[they GAZE at each other so you can tell that they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER]
Kristen Bell: Perhaps love isn't so hard to find! Perhaps I can find a man, though I love my job! Perhaps --
[she sees him SMOOCHING a HOT BRUNETTE]
Kristen Bell: Nooooo! The guy I just met like an hour ago is kissing someone else!! My life is over! I'm going to get drunk and get in the fountain that is like the Trevi Fountain, but is not actually the Trevi Fountain!
[she DOES, and picks up some COINS that LOVESICK PEOPLE have thrown in there]
Kristen Bell: Thass right. I'ma save you from love. You're all shtupid. And you're all men, which, statistically, doesn't make sense, but we can't have any weird lesbian shit going on, right?
[she goes back to NEW YORK, where SOMEHOW all the coin-throwers ALSO LIVE because that is SUPER-PROBABLE]
Dax Shepherd: Hi. I'm your real boyfriend. Does anyone know me from anything except being your real boyfriend? Are we even dating anymore? I'm so tall, and you're so tiny. Anyway, I'm in love with you.
Napoleon Dynamite: God, stop calling me Napoleon Dynamite! That movie was like six years ago. Now I'm a Criss Angel/David Blaine mashup who's in love with you.
Will Arnett: And I'm-a an Italian-a stereotype-a! Come back, bella!
Danny Devito: I'm a sausage magnate. That's not, like, a euphemism, I am like the Abe Froman of this movie. I am also in love with you.
Kristen Bell: Why do all these men love me?!?!
Her Sister: It's the magic of the fountain! You picked up their coins and now they all love you! You have to put the coins back in the fountain!
Kristen Bell: Oh, so I can just mail them to you, since you're in Italy!
Her Sister's Italian Husband: No! That is not enough obstacles! And will cause the hijinks to end earlier! She must put them in the fountain herself! She must come to Italy! MORE HIJINKS!!
Kristen Bell: I DON'T HAVE TIME BECAUSE I AM BUSY WITH WORK BECAUSE I LOVE WORK AND I HATE LOVE.
Josh Duhamel: But now I'm here. I wasn't into that brunette earlier. I'm into you.
Kristen Bell: Oh. Well. You're very charming.
[there is a CHARM MONTAGE, and Josh Duhamel RUNS INTO something]
Josh Duhamel: That's a running gag, because I got hit by lightning one time! I'm kind of famous for it. That will come into play later, DO NOT DOUBT IT.
[some HIJINKS occur]
Bobby Moynihan: Hijinks! My favorite!
Josh Duhamel: Let's go to a pitch-black restaurant. It's so New York!!
Kristen Schaal: I'm a weird server! I always play weird people! Yay!! Individuality!
Kristen Bell: Oh shit! I think this guy likes me because of the Fountain Spell! I will sabotage this relationship too!!
[meanwhile, she is being CHASED by the SUITORS and her WORK is possibly being THREATENED]
Her Sister's Italian Husband: Oh wait, you can just give the coins back to the guys they belong to and then they won't love you anymore.
Her Quirky Assistant: Sorry, boss, I'm going to help you somehow by taking the coins and not letting you return them yet. I'm not really sure why this is a good plan.
[there is a GAG with a TINY CAR and everyone ends up at the GUGGENHEIM]
Josh Duhamel: I love her! I must run! In the rain! And the lightning! Which is especially scary because of how I once got hit by lightning!!
Kristen Bell: Everyone take your damn coins back!
[she gives them ALL their coins and the LOVE SPELL is reversed]
Josh Duhamel: Dude, this is not my poker chip, I told you, I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.
Kristen Bell: Oh! Sweet! Let's get married!
[they DO, in SIX MONTHS]
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait! I think I have the poker chip of your soon-to-be husband!!
Kristen Bell: Oh no! The last six months...were a lie!!!!
[there is a LOVE CRISIS, but K. Bell learns a LESSON]
Josh Duhamel: YO I TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT A SPELL, I DID NOT THROW A COIN IN THAT FOUNTAIN. The priest won a bunch of poker chips from me, so he is the one who was in love with you. And now it's reversed! Let's get married!!
Everyone: Yayyyy!!