Ultra-Condensed Movies

The Savages

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:38:00 +0000

[it is ARIZONA]
Home Care Nurse: Flush the toilet, old man. I take care of your girlfriend, not you.
Philip Bosco: [smears his SHIT on the WALL and writes "PRICK" in it]
Me: Well, this is going to be a barrel of laughs.
Laura Linney: God, I wish my life didn't suck so bad. I work at an office and no one will give me money to write my terrible-sounding play based on my childhood. And my boyfriend's married and not even that cute. He is like a less-sexy version of Richard Jenkins.
Answering Machine Message: Hi, yeah, so your dad is smearing shit on the walls.
Laura Linney: Fuck.
[she calls her BROTHER in BUFFALO]
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Dude, our dad was not part of our life. I ain't care about him.
[the dad's GIRLFRIEND DIES at the NAIL SALON]
PSH: Now we have to go there for the funeral? Ugh.
Debra Monk: Thanks for coming out. By the way, your dad has no rights to any of my mom's property, even though they were together for 20 years. Sorry! Also he has dementia. Suckers!
Philip Bosco: Where's my son the doctor?
Laura Linney: Dad, he's a doctor of philosophy. He teaches theater.
Philip Bosco: Like Broadway?
Laura Linney: Like...theater of social unrest?**
Laura Linney: Well, I guess we have to take him with us.
PSH: And we'll put him in a nursing home.
Laura Linney: OH MY GOD NO WE CAN'T PUT HIM IN ONE OF THOSE OH MY GOD.
PSH: Look, just bring him to Buffalo and we'll figure it out.
[they find a place that seems FINE and takes MEDICAID]
Laura Linney: Oh my god, we're horrible children!
PSH: No, we're not. Now, I need to work on my Brecht book, so you can take care of dad while I do that.
Laura Linney: But I'm getting a grant from the Guggenheim Foundation to finish my play!
PSH: Oh. Well, I will try very hard not to mask my surprise, because I obviously think you are stupider than me.
Laura Linney: Here, let's just both take some Percocet I stole from dad's dead girlfriend.
[they DO and it is NICE because drugs are HELPFUL]
Laura Linney: Are you sure this nursing home is nice enough?
PSH: Yes. Now shut up.
Laura Linney: I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU GROW EMOTIONALLY.
[a LOT of REALLY BORING SHIT happens]
Laura Linney: My married boyfriend killed my plant. It's symbolic.
PSH: Well, my girlfriend moved back to Poland. And I know you didn't get a grant.
Laura Linney: NOW IT IS TIME WE HAD AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION!!
[they DO but it is really kind of BORING though they are both GOOD at ACTING]
Philip Bosco: So glad I could help you two reconnect with each other and your art. Now I'll die.
[he DOES and it is a RELIEF and not SAD]
Laura Linney: Now I know how to finish my play!
PSH: Now I know I want to marry my girlfriend!
[they are HAPPY?]

**only LOL moment in the whole movie

Point Break

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:37:00 +0000

[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]
Swayze: Check out my awesome surfing skills! I am as good at surfing as Keanu is at shooting things!
[meanwhile, at a BANK]
Dude in a Reagan Mask: We are the Ex-Presidents! Give us your cash!
[they MENACE people but do not KILL anyone and get a bunch of MONEY]
Keanu: Now I will report to my new assignment. I sure hope I get a good case to work on, and a cool partner.
John C. McGinley: Keanu! How can your name in this movie possibly be Johnny Utah? That is not a real name!
Keanu: I promise, it's real.
John C. McGinley: You think you're sooooo great, don't you? Young, dumb and full of cum?*
Keanu: Uh, gross.
John C. McGinley: Well, here's your partner.
Gary Busey: Fuck you! I hate you! But we are partners! Let's work together! Here is some background info about this Ex-Presidents bank robbers thing.
[they INVESTIGATE the bank robbers' CAR but have NO LEADS]
Gary Busey: So I have this theory that the bank robbers...are SURFERS! They only strike in the summertime, and I can totally see a tan line on this guy's butt.
Keanu: That makes total sense. Let's use that admittedly-weak theory to build an elaborate undercover operation that requires me to learn to surf.
[they pretend to SURF on their DESKS]
Keanu: Now to try real surfing.
[there is a SURF MONTAGE and he SUCKS at it]
Lori Petty: You seriously suck at surfing.
Keanu: Maybe you can teach me.
Lori Petty: No! I have too hard an exterior! You will never find out how to connect with me emotionally, never!
[Keanu uses his FBI ACCESS to learn that her PARENTS were KILLED in a PLANE CRASH]
Keanu: So, hello again. I just thought I'd let you know that my parents were killed in a car crash. That's why I want to learn to surf.
Lori Petty: My hard exterior! It's crumbling!! Okay, I will teach you.
[there is ANOTHER MONTAGE]
Swayze: So you're learning to surf from my girl here. Pretty radical.
Other Surfers: Who the fuck is this guy? We hate him! Our natural reaction to outsiders is hate!
Swayze: But he's a famous football quarterback from Ohio State!
Other Surfers: Okay, we love him then.
My Roommate Tina: Surfers do not play football. I'm just saying.
[there is some MORE SURFING]
Gary Busey: Dude, are you conducting an investigation or just hanging out?
Keanu: I'm conducting an investigation!! And hanging out. Simultaneously. It's radical. Also, I think the Ex-Presidents surf on this beach because we analyzed some hair follicles or something.
[he goes to THAT BEACH and encounters some ANGRY SURFERS]
Anthony Kiedis: We are gonna give you some scar tissue!!
[they have a FIGHT and Keanu STARTS to kick some ASS but there are FOUR of them]
Swayze: I got you, buddy!!
[they BOTH kick some ASS and it is GREAT]
Keanu: Thanks, man. I feel really close to you right now. What's the deal with those dudes?
Swayze: They only live to get radical. They don't understand the sea. They'll never get the spiritual side.*
Keanu: Oh. I bet they're bank robbers!
[they RAID the bad surfers' HOUSE but it turns out they are just DRUG DEALERS]
Tom Sizemore: YOU FBI FUCKERS FUCKED UP MY UNDERCOVER PROJECT! DO YOU THINK I LIKE MY HAIR LIKE THIS???*
Keanu: Oops?
[there is a SURF PARTY]
Swayze: Let me take this opportunity to tell you about the BIGGEST WAVE EVER that is about to happen in Australia. I will be on that big wave.
Keanu: I will remember that.
Lori Petty: Remember earlier when you crumbled my hard exterior? Wanna crumble it further?
Keanu: I wanna taste you.**
[they BONE]
Lori Petty: Wait, you're an FBI agent? What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!
Keanu: I'm working a case! It's not about you! I'm sorry I lied about my dead parents!
Lori Petty: I am so betrayed!!
Keanu: Oh well, back to the beach.
[one of his SURF BUDS moons someone...JUST like the BANK ROBBER]
Keanu: Of course! Only a bank robber would moon someone! I'll tail my friend Swayze and see if he cases any banks!
[he DOES]
Keanu: We need to be at this bank! They're gonna rob it!
Gary Busey: Could you just get me a meatball sub real quick?
[they MISS the robbery because of the MEATBALL SUB]
Keanu: Shit! I guess it's time for a foot chase between me and Reagan Mask Guy!
[there is a VERY LONG FOOT CHASE through many YARDS and HOUSES and Keanu goes through a SLIDING DOOR]
Keanu: You won't get away, Reagan Mask Guy Who May or May Not Be My Best Bud Swayze! I will jump down into this ravine...AAAAGAHHHAHA! My football injury!
[the Reagan Mask Guy, who he SUSPECTS is Swayze, gets STUCK and Keanu could SHOOT him]
Keanu: What if it's my friend? I CANNOT SHOOT HIM.
[he SHOOTS into the air in ANGUISH]
Gary Busey: You could have shot him.
Keanu: I missed.
Gary Busey: You got a 100% on that shooting test! You don't miss.
Keanu: Uh. It was my football injury?
Swayze: Hey man, wanna go skydiving? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING.
Keanu: I have no proof that he is a robber! And I don't want to blow my cover! What do I do?
[he GOES and it is PRETTY FUN and lasts for like a REALLY LONG TIME]
Keanu: Hey, that was fun!
Swayze: Oh, by the way - I totally kidnapped my/your girlfriend and she's gonna die if you don't assist us in the last bank robbery.
Keanu: WHAAAAAA? Okay. I love her, I guess.
[the last robbery goes HORRIBLY AWRY and people get SHOT and KILLED]
John C. McGinley: Ha ha! Now I get to arrest you for being a bank robber! My comeuppance has come!
Gary Busey: I'll take him in...NO I WON'T SUCKAAAAA
[he takes him to the AIRPORT where Swayze is ESCAPING in a PLANE and there is a SHOOTOUT and Gary Busey DIES and it is ACTUALLY SAD]
Swayze: Get on the plane or I will kill you!! Even though we are friends. Or something.
Keanu: Okay. I will figure out a plan once we're in the air.
[he JUMPS without a CHUTE and they have a MID-AIR fight and it is AWESOME and they BOTH LAND alive]
Swayze: Goodbye. I am going to leave you here in the desert. See you in hell, or perhaps on that big wave I told you about earlier.
Lori Petty: You saved me! I don't even care that you're a liar!
[they SOMEHOW get out of the DESERT, though they have NO CAR or anything]
Keanu: I will track Swayze to the ends of the earth - literally! Because I am now in Australia, where that big wave is going to happen.
Swayze: Good job, dude. You gonna arrest me? Or you gonna let me ride that big wave?
[they GAZE at each other in a MODERATELY GAY WAY]
Keanu: Get on that wave.
Australian Police: What! You let him get away. I guess we'll catch him when he comes back.
Keanu: He's not coming back.***
[he WALKS AWAY, in the RAIN]

**Not an actual line, but suggested by my roommate Stephanie. Could definitely be an actual line based on cheesiness of the rest of the dialogue.
***Actual line that, although I had never seen this movie before, I spoke along with Keanu with the correct delivery.

Junebug

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:51:00 +0000

[it is CHICAGO]
Embeth Davidtz: Oh. A cute man across the gallery. Perhaps I will introduce myself to him, and then make out with him.
[she DOES, to the strains of the MOST ADORABLE SONG IN THE WORLD and then get MARRIED after like ONE SECOND]
Embeth Davidtz: Awesome. But now I have to go on a business trip to go see this outsider artist in North Carolina. It's near where your family lives. Maybe I could meet them, since I never have?
Alessandro Nivola: Um...okay. I don't know how they'll react to your big-city ways.
Embeth Davidtz: Let's go! I'm sure everything will be fine, and not ever tension-filled.
[she goes to visit the ARTIST, who is SUPER WEIRD but makes PRETTY COOL PAINTINGS]
Embeth Davidtz: I like all the dog heads...and computers...and scrotums.*
Artist: [says something WEIRD]
Embeth Davidtz: That's nice. I'll take very good care of you at my gallery. I really mean that. I think.
Amy Adams: Ohmygodohmygodohmygoddddd they're heeeeeeeere!! I'm so excited to meet my new sister-in-law!!!
[she WADDLES over to them, as she is LARGELY PREGNANT]
Mom: Hi.
Dad: Hi.
Ryan from The OC: [silence]
Alessandro Nivola: So...good times, right?
[they all look KIND OF MISERABLE, except Amy Adams, who is ADORABLE]
Embeth Davidtz: A church dinner? How quaint. Am I enjoying this? I'm not sure.
[her husband SINGS a HYMN and it is actually QUITE NICE]
Embeth Davidtz: Oh - he sings. What? How did I not know this? I have a feeling I'm going to find out a few more things I never knew about him. What I do know, though, is that we like to bone.
[they PROVE this by BONING]
Ryan from The OC: Thanks for offering to help me with my Huckleberry Finn paper for my GED program. Now I will awkwardly hit on you.
Embeth Davidtz: Oh, uh - all that affection I showed you? That's just my city way. I don't want to do you.
Amy Adams: Let me do your nails! Let me know everything about you!! Waaaaa! Oh wait, I'm in labor! Waaaaaaaaaa!!
Mom: Okay, we're off to the hospital. Wife of my son: you stay here.
[they DRIVE OFF and leave her STANDING in the DRIVEWAY alone and it is VERY METAPHORICAL]
Artist: I ain't sure I wanna sign with y'all in Chicago. I wanna show in New York.
Embeth Davidtz: No! My livelihood! He must sign with us! I must go to him, now!
Alessandro Nivola: But my sister-in-law's in labor.
[she is TORN between FAMILY VALUES and WORK, but she picks WORK because she is a CITY FOLK]
Alessandro Nivola: The baby died.
Embeth Davidtz: Oh. I wish I could be there.
Alessandro Nivola: You could have been.*
Amy Adams: It's okay. I'm still obsessed with you. And babies. And my small life here in the country.
Embeth Davidtz: We gotta get outta here.
[they drive back to CHICAGO and resume their CITY LIFE]

Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:56:00 +0000

[it is a SPACE SCHOOL]
Exposition Teacher: We used up Earth That Was and left for a bunch of other planets on a new solar system, and we "terra-formed" them, which is why they all look like Earth That Was and have air and horses, and then we made this Alliance, which is great. SO GREAT. EVERYONE LOVES THE ALLIANCE.
Little River: But not everyone does.
Exposition Teacher: EVERYONE. DOES.
[it is a SPACE HOSPITAL, where the SAME GIRL is being EXPERIMENTED ON]
Waiting for Guffman Guy: ...so then we just stick this thing into her brain and fuck around with it. Fun, huh?
Dr. Simon: Yeah. Fun.
[he uses a CRAZY PULSE WEAPON to KNOCK OUT everyone in the room and ESCAPE with his SISTER and if you never saw the SHOW, you will be like WHAT but TRUST ME it's GOOD]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Wow, Waiting for Guffman Guy. Just - wow. You are seriously bad at your job of taking possibly-psychic people and doing experiments on them. And for that: you die.
[he does a NERVE PINCH THING that makes the guy FALL OVER, which wouldn't be SO BAD except that there is a SWORD THERE that STABS him]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Now you know how I kill people. Remember that.
[meanwhile, on SERENITY, chunks are LITERALLY FALLING OFF the spaceship]
Nathan Fillion: We better go rob a bank to fix our ship. Do we need to re-introduce the crew?
Zoe: It wouldn't be a bad idea, sir. Some of the people who liked "Firefly" may have convinced their friends to see the movie without having seen the show.
Nathan Fillion: Can't say that's much of an idea, but all right. Where's your husband, the pilot?
Alan Tudyk: Over here! Being wacky and wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Nathan Fillion: And Kaylee, our mechanic?
Kaylee: Right here, cap'n! Just fixin' up Serenity so she runs good for this job. And thinkin' 'bout the doctor. 'Cause I got an unrequited love for him.
Dr. Simon: She does. It's...mutual. I don't want to talk about it.
River: [says something POSSIBLY PSYCHIC]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: I just want to get on with this gorram bank robbery!!
Nathan Fillion: Jayne, settle down and get in the hovercraft. We don't know why you have a girl's name.
[they go ROB a BANK, but are AMBUSHED by REAVERS, who are basically THE WORST]
Nathan Fillion: All right, time for a chase scene.
[they get CHASED and it is EXCITING but they are SAFE at the end]
Dr. Simon: You almost got my sister killed! We're getting off this ship, even though we are fugitives from the law and might not find another crew so willing to protect us.
Nathan Fillion: Great plan. Good luck with that.
[they all go to a SPACE SALOON and meet up with their CONTACTS to do a BUSINESS DEAL]
River: Miranda.
[she STARES at a JAPANESE-LOOKING COMMERCIAL and instead of having a SEIZURE, totally KICKS everyone's ASS]
Nathan Fillion: What in the rutting -- let's go. You two clearly can't handle yourselves. We better go talk to Mr. Universe about this.
David Krumholtz: Duhhhhh, the commercial was a subliminal message that makes her into an assassin, obviouslyyyyy. You're welcome. I have a robot bride.
Nathan Fillion: Looks like we need to go to that planet she mentioned, Miranda.
Kaylee: But Shepherd Book hasn't been featured in the movie yet! We need to visit him!
Nathan Fillion: Fine, let's go.
[they DO, and he has CORNROWS]
Inara: Also can you come help me, a former sort-of crew member who is clearly in love with you? This is not an Alliance trap at all.
[it is CLEARLY a trap, but they go ANYWAY and SAVE her]
Nathan Fillion: FINE. EVERYONE FROM THE SHOW IS IN THE MOVIE NOW ARE YOU HAPPY.
Kaylee: Yes, cap'n.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, now let's go to that outer rim planet.
Zoe: There's the other issue, that we have to go through Reaver territory to get there.
Nathan Fillion: I know! Let's disguise our ship as a Reaver ship! We'll just strap on some corpses and red paint and pass on through. Good thing the Alliance killed a bunch of our friends.
[everyone is like EW but they know it is THE ONLY WAY]
Alan Tudyk: Is now a good time for another pithy comment? No? Okay, well, we're here on the outer planet.
[the PLANET is totally INHABITABLE but everyone is MYSTERIOUSLY DEAD]
Sarah Paulson: Hi. I'm a recording that will conveniently explain what happened here. See, we tried to stop people from fighting with this drug in the air supply, but it made everyone give up the will to live and they all died. Except for a tiny percentage of the people, who became the Reavers. Sorry, universe! We ruined this world.
Nathan Fillion: Everyone in the universe must know about this! Let's broadcast it, using Mr. Universe's broadcasting equipment.
David Krumholtz: Sure, come on by. This is also not a trap.
[it is ALSO A TRAP]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: But how we gonna get past them Reavers agin? And what about all the Alliance ships that are sure to be waiting for us?
[they pit their TWO ENEMIES against EACH OTHER and it is AMAZING]
Alan Tudyk: I am a leaf on the wind.*
[he PILOTS the ship EXPERTLY and LANDS it but then gets STABBED by a HARPOON and it is TERRIBLE]
Zoe: I am a soldier! I will not stop to grieve! I will fight!
Dr. Simon: I'm really sad I never did you.
Kaylee: Really? Screw this, I'm gonna live!!*
[they set up a REAVER BOTTLENECK and have a HUGE FIREFIGHT while the captain goes to BROADCAST the message]
River: Guys, I'm going to go defeat the Reavers alone. BRB.
[she goes NUTS with, like, an AXE and it's AWESOME]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Oh no you don't, captain! We have to have our man-to-man battle! And I need to use that nerve pinch thing again!
[there is a LOT of FIGHTING and it is COOL and NERVE-WRACKING]
Nathan Fillion: Here's the thing about that nerve pinch thing, though: I don't have nerves there. YA BURNT.
[he WINS and broadcasts the THING and everyone is ALIVE except the two that DIED EARLIER]
Kaylee: Yes! Now I can bone the doctor!
Dr. Simon: Wooooo!
Inara: Yes! Now I can continue to look at the captain in a suggestive way!
Nathan Fillion: Woooooo, I guess?!
River: Yes! Now I can not be crazy, mostly!
Zoe: I'm still sad, but also strong.
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: Woooooo! Let's go steal somethin'! But have morals about it!
[they DO, we assume]

Guest Post: Her Married Lover

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:06:00 +0000

Lord knows we love a made-for- television movie up in this blog. Such fodder. We had not one, but TWO Lifetime movie weeks! Remember those days, guys? Good times. Laura McClain wants to take us back there. Hit it.
(Also, this movie is apparently called A Clean Kill in some places? And it's very popular in Australia? Whatever.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: A woman is dead! Her car is at the bottom of the ravine!
Surly Cop: So you want to report a vehicular accident?
Pretty Brunette: No….a MURDER.*
Surly Cop: Okay. Walk along that yellow line through those doors. The line is symbolic or something.
[she and her PEASANT DRESS and PLATFORM SNEAKERS walk slowly down a HALLWAY as many RANDOM establishing shots of HISPANIC people are SHOWN]
Rotund Detective: So, tell me about this dead lady. Who killed her?
Pretty Brunette: Her husband….we were lovers.
Rotund Detective: Okay. What’s his name?
Pretty Brunette: Richard Mannhart.
Rotund Detective: Man heart? REALLY? That’s the best name the screenwriters could come up with?
Pretty Brunette: It’s symbolic!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette Voiceover: I stopped at a convenience store late one night to pick up some things…
[she WALKS around the STORE looking TERRIFIED for NO REASON]
Patrick Dempsey’s Nerd Friend from Can’t Buy Me Love: This is a stick-up!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp!
[a man GRABS her from BEHIND and COVERS her MOUTH with his LEATHER-GLOVED hand while CARESSING her LADY BITS with his OTHER, UN-GLOVED hand]
Mysterious Stranger: Shhhhhh….don’t make a sound.
Convenience-Store Clerk: [SHOOTS criminal]
Pretty Brunette: But…where did the leather-gloved man go? He saved my life! Also, that caressing was hot.
[she CLEANS her HOUSE while LISTENING to the RADIO]
Radio Announcer: That was Richard Mannhart, acclaimed mystery writer.
Pretty Brunette: That voice! THAT VOICE! It’s leather-glove man!
[she FINDS him TEACHING at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE]
Pretty Brunette: Why did you run from the convenience store?
Mysterious Stranger, aka Man-Heart: I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
[he PULLS on a LEATHER GLOVE so you KNOW it's him, as ONLY HE owns LEATHER GLOVES]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Some Cops: Your wife’s in pretty bad shape Mr. Mannhart. You’d better come with us.
Man-Heart: Why? I will act suspiciously at my book-signing!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette: I will go to work editing a movie with a very sinister child in it.
Man-Heart: [SNEAKS up BEHIND her and HUMPS her while WEARING a GLOVE again]
Pretty Brunette: So erotic!
[she GOES back to his CLASS and she CREEPILY takes his PHOTO, and they have a SEXY ENCOUNTER on a ROOF]
Pretty Brunette: So then we started having an affair…it was sexy yet sinister.
Rotund Detective: [LOOKS at her IMPASSIVELY]
[there are MONTAGES of them having SEX on VARIOUS surfaces, though she ALWAYS wakes up ALONE and FULLY CLOTHED, including SHOES]
Man-Heart: I love you so much, baby.
Pretty Brunette: I love you too! I’m tired of sharing you with her - get a divorce!
[they GO to a PARK, where all INTENSE CONVOS occur]
Man-Heart: I’m divorcing her! Take this enormous chintzy ring as proof that I will marry you!
Pretty Brunette: Hooray! Let’s celebrate this occasion by taking pictures in that photo booth!
[they DO and then BONE on a ROCK in like a CAVE or something]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Nurse: Your wife is in a coma. She’s probably going to die.
Some Cops: So tell us about your mistress. She gave us a lot of private info about you!
Man-Heart: She was just my stuuuuudent! I don’t know how she knows about me! I will
continue to seem suspicious!
[his WIFE dies]
Pretty Brunette: So we were going to get married…but he never showed up to meet my friend who looked like Katie Couric. So I called him to bitch him out.
[she wears a TIERED TEA-LENGTH wedding dress, which is possible PROOF of her CRAZY]
Pretty Brunette: Where are you? You’re supposed to love me!
Man-Heart: I don’t even know who you are! You’re just my stuuuuudent!
Pretty Brunette: Why are you denying me? Is it because your bitch wife is right there?
Rotund Detective: Why didn’t you end it with him?
Pretty Brunette: He was too irresistible!
[he is NOT]
Man-Heart: I’m sorry I didn’t come by, baby…but look! I wrote out our whole affair in my new novel. My writer’s block is cured! It also details how I will kill my wife to take her money and be with you!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp! You cannot do this!
[she READS his TERRIBLE-LOOKING manuscript]
Pretty Brunette: I have to talk to you after class, which I am still taking for some reason!
Man-Heart: YOU’RE JUST MY STUUUUUDENT! STOP STALKING ME!
Pretty Brunette: What is WRONG with you???
[she GOES to tell his WIFE that he is going to KILL her but the WIFE is BITCHY and
DISMISSIVE]
Pretty Brunette: I will stalk her to save her life!
[she FOLLOWS his wife in a CAR and totally RUNS her OFF the ROAD while trying to SAVE her, though it is INDICATED that the BRAKES were CUT]
Rotund Detective: Okay. I need some proof that you were his lover to book him. Literally nobody ever saw you together.
Pretty Brunette: I have proof!
[she HANDS him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures]
My Friend Dawn: Well, this is Lifetime….the bitch can’t be crazy. They always side with the chick in these movies.
Rotund Detective: Okay. Thanks. I’m going to get a nice lady cop to take you into another room.
[they WALK her DOWN a HALLWAY past Man-Heart, and she SUDDENLY has a SERIOUS case of the CRAZY EYES]
Rotund Detective: Sorry, Mr. Mannhart. This time...the bitch IS crazy.
[he GIVES him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures, which show her in a Donna Martin hat POSING with his PHOTO and it’s PRETTY CREEPY]

Horror of the Zombies

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:00:00 +0000

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
Noemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]

The Squid and the Whale

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:15:00 +0000

[it is PARK SLOPE in 1986]
Little Brother: It's me and mom against you and dad.*
Big Brother: Thanks for that heavy-handed introduction, bro. Now we know what's going to happen to all us privileged white people.
Laura Linney: We're getting a divorce and your dad is moving across the park. Where the houses are more dilapidated.
Jeff Daniels: Don't worry, boys, I'll still love you as much as I ever did, which is to say: only when you're doing something to please me, like pretending to like the same pretentious books as I do and excelling at tennis.
Big Brother: Now that I understand that your love is based on my actions and not unconditional, I will try to be more like you, which is to say: I will be a terrible person.
[he acts PRETENTIOUS but still gets a GIRLFRIEND]
Jeff Daniels: She's not pretty enough.
Anna Paquin: But I am, right?
[she PRANCES AROUND in her SHORT SHORTS]
Laura Linney: Listen, boys. Allow me to tell you far too much about my marriage to your father. That's what good rich white parents do, right? Overcommunicate?
Little Brother: [JERKS OFF at school, smears JIZZ on some girl's locker, and gets DRUNK at HOME ALONE]
Big Brother: I wrote this song totally myself! Like, completely on my own.
[he plays HEY YOU by Pink Floyd and it's like DUDE. did you REALLY think people would NOT NOTICE]
Laura Linney: Fuck. We have fucked up our children.
Billy Baldwin: Don't worry, I'll teach them tennis. And also date you.
Jeff Daniels: He's a philistine! How can you be with him??
Little Brother: I like him. Probably because he's the opposite of you, dad, you fucker.
Jeff Daniels: Gahhhhhh your yelling has given me a heart attack or something!
[he FALLS DOWN in the ROAD]
Big Brother: So...I guess this means my parents are human? I'm going to go scare myself by looking at the squid fighting the whale in the American Museum of Natural History.
[he DOES, and it is PENSIVE]

Whip It

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:22:00 +0000

[it is BUMBLEFUCK, TEXAS]
Ellen Page: What’s the quickest way to establish that I am a Teen Rebel™? Besides using quirky catchphrases, I mean. I'm done with that, homeskillet.
Maeby Funke: Um…blue hair? At the beauty pageant your mom wants you to do?
Ellen Page: Sounds great. Bust out the Manic Panic.
[she REBELS against her STERN PARENTS via FASHION and ARMY BOOTS]
Marcia Gay Harden: You are not like me, a former beauty queen who now works as a mail carrier.** This makes me sad.
Daniel Stern: Remember me? Didn’t you love me in City Slickers? Well, I’m back, bitches!! Oh, and I’m your supportive dad.
Ellen Page: Whatever. Small-town life is boring. I work at a quirky restaurant with a guy who wears a bolo tie. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING UGH NO IT’S NOT I AM A SULLEN TEEN
Marcia Gay Harden: Let’s go to Austin and shop to have a mother-daughter bond, because ladies love to shop!
[they go to a BONG STORE and MGH is SHAMED because of her LACK of BONG KNOWLEDGE]
Marcia Gay Harden: I cannot patronize an establishment that mocks me!
Ellen Page: Fine, I’ll buy these boots myself! And take this intriguing flyer that those hot, tattooed ladies just brought in…
[she is ENTRANCED by ROLLER DERBY]
Maeby: Fine. Go have fun with your roller derby. Just make sure you don’t do the clichéd things that everyone in every sports and/or “finding yourself” teen movie EVER does.
Ellen Page: Like what?
Maeby: Like a montage of learning to skate in hilarious places.
[there is a SKATE-LEARNING MONTAGE]
Ellen Page: Oops?
Random Hot Musician: Or falling in love with some dude and losing your virginity to him as some indie music plays.
Ellen Page: What about if we’re underwater? Will that help?
Random Hot Musician: Um…okay.
Juliette Lewis: Or lying about something crucial, and then accidentally revealing it to the antagonist, who can then use it against you.
Ellen Page: I’m actually only 17. Shit! I did it again!!
Eve: I’m also in this movie. My roller derby name is Rosa Sparks!! Because I’m black!
Drew Barrymore: I directed this movie, bitches!! And I always said if I directed a movie, there’d be a food fight.
[there is a HUGE FOOD FIGHT]
Ellen Page: Gosh, I’m really doing badly on this whole “avoid the clichés” thing. And now the big championship match and the pageant my mom wants me to do are on the same night! Who saw THAT coming!?
Everyone: We did.
Kristen Wiig: Even though I am really even-keeled and responsible in this movie, I am still totally funny! Sweet!
Ellen Page: I have learned some things. And I want to respect my mom, so I’ll do the pageant.
Daniel Stern: Fuck that!! I just earned the respect of my son-having neighbor with my kickass athletic daughter! She’s gonna fuckin ROLLER DERBY!!!
[the ROLLER DERBY TEAM shows up at the PAGEANT and there is HILARIOUS JUXTAPOSITION]
Drew Barrymore: Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Movies are awesome!!!
[they LOSE, but have FUN, which is the most IMPORTANT THING in DERBY and also apparently in a BARRYMORE FLICK]

**(!)

Sunshine Cleaning

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:02:00 +0000

[it is ALBUQUERQUE, which I totally spelled right the first time, bitches]
Alan Arkin: Where's Steve Carell? Where's Greg Kinnear? Where's that little girl with the stripping and the tracksuit and whatnot?
Amy Adams: That's a different movie, Dad.
Alan Arkin: But I'm still in Albuquerque! And this is a quirky indie comedy with "Sunshine" in the title, right?
Amy Adams: I promise, Dad. Different movie. Much more sad. You can already tell by the first scene, where a dude kills himself in a sporting goods store.
Steve Zahn: I'm in this and I'm not even funny. Like, at all. And usually I'm hilarious.
Amy Adams: It's true. You're a total douche. Your douchiness is compounded by the fact that the guy who is the anti-douche to your douche only has one arm.
Clifton Collins, Jr: I do. I'm so symbolic.
Alan Arkin: Okay, I believe you. Different movie.
[he sells some POPCORN to a CANDY STORE using SALESMAN TECHNIQUE]
Amy Adams: Sigh. I wish my life didn't suck so bad. Sleeping with the married father of my child, working as a maid...
High School Friend: Yes, my maid! Come to my baby shower! Relive your glory days of high school!! See how good everyone else's lives turned out.
Emily Blunt: Ugh, I got fired again. Can you tell by my dark, dark eye makeup that I am a total fuckup?
[she MOPES about]
Steve Zahn: So, maybe you should get into the crime scene cleanup business. It's a total racket, and as your police officer secret lover, I could totally hook you up with jobs! It's just a little blood. And, you know, biohazard stuff.
Amy Adams: No, I'm good, thanks. Working as a maid is totally fine.
[her SON gets kicked out of SCHOOL for LICKING things]
Amy Adams: Okay, maybe I should start a small business of crime scene cleanup to help my child. It can't be THAT hard!
[it IS that hard, but she SUCCEEDS, with some BUMPS along the WAY that you saw in the TRAILER]
Emily Blunt: I feel oddly emotionally connected to this woman who died. I shall return some of her things to her daughter.
[she FOLLOWS the daughter and they somehow become FRIENDS]
Mary Lynn Rajskub: I'm glad we're friends, random woman I met on the street one time who I thought was following me but wasn't.
Emily Blunt: Me too. Wanna come to a party with me?
[they go to a PARTY and KIND OF make out, but only a LITTLE]
Amy Adams: We need to go clean up a crime scene now. I also need to get more supplies from the kind one-armed man at the cleaning supply store.
Clifton Collins, Jr: You can shop at my store ANYTIME!
[they make GOOGLY EYES at each other]
Steve Zahn: What about me? I'll fuck you.
Amy Adams: Oh, right - I forgot. I'm not allowed to be happy. Not in this movie!!
Alan Arkin: I'm going to try to sell some shrimp I bought off the back of a truck! I'm old and weird!
Emily Blunt: Want to go stand under a train trestle and talk about my mom's suicide? She was in a TV movie of the week I've never seen. I feel like if I saw it, it would be super profound.
Mary Lynn Rajskub: Awesome.
Emily Blunt: BTW, I cleaned up your mom's house after she died, and now I have these pictures of you, and that's why I was following you that one day.
Mary Lynn Rajskub: Never call me again.
[she LITERALLY NEVER DOES, because MLR is, like, GONE]
Amy Adams: I want to show those high school girls I've made something of myself!
[she goes to the BABY SHOWER and makes her SISTER go do a JOB by HERSELF]
Baby Shower Guests: Do you like cleaning up crime scenes? Are we masking our disapproval enough?
Amy Adams: You know what? I do like it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm good at something. This business has changed my life!!
Emily Blunt: I burned down a client's house trying to catch a kitten and ruined the business.
Amy Adams: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!! I'll still dump Steve Zahn, though.
Steve Zahn: Dang.
[the SON has a BIRTHDAY PARTY and the ONE-ARMED DUDE is there but they DON'T KISS, ever]
Amy Adams: BRB, gotta talk to my mom on the CB radio. [into CB radio] Thanks for killing yourself, asshole.
[she sees the TV MOVIE OF THE WEEK on TV with her mom's ONE LINE about PIE and calls her SISTER so they can CRY and be CATHARTIC]
Emily Blunt: Thank god we saw that movie. I was really worried that since so many threads were left hanging with respect to the other relationships in this movie that the same would be done with that TV movie. Phew. I'm going on a road trip, peace out.
Alan Arkin: And I sold my house and am going to be in the business with you!
Amy Adams: Sweet, I guess?

The Ugly Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 14:56:00 +0000

Most romantic comedies I can deal with. Some are actually cute and inoffensive and make you want to be adorable all day long. Some are maddeningly stupid, but have funny parts and a likable cast and you're like "fine, whatever." But some...some are so cliche-ridden and so offensive to basically every sensibility I have AND also promote horrible, horrible societal expectations (see last line) that the people responsible should be taken out and shot. Heigl, I may have enjoyed you in 27 Dresses, but you have lost me forever with this one, girl. Butler, I will still fuck you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is SACRAMENTO]
Katherine Heigl: I'm gonna turn this sagging news program around with my career-woman brazenness! I enjoy checklists and stress!
Her Associate Producer: Girl, you need to get some. Maybe you should go on a heavily built-up internet date! Those never fail miserably!
Katherine Heigl: You're right! I'll just print out his profile and background check and bring them on the date, since I am an overachiever Type A sort of gal.
Kevin Connolly: Um...ya crazy. I'll have bottled water.
Katherine Heigl: You know, bottled water is a waste of money.
Kevin Connolly: I already said YA CRAZY. Bye.
[she goes home and is SAD because LADIES who FAIL at LOVE are SAD]
Gerard Butler (on TV): Ladies! You want to get a man? Get skinny! Get big boobs! Get blonde hair!
Katherine Heigl: Though I am/have all those things, I am outraged at this rampant sexism! I'll show him!!
[she CALLS him and they FIGHT through the PHONE in which she lists her PERFECT MAN TRAITS]
Her Boss: Guess what! I hired that sexist guy to be a commentator on our show!
Katherine Heigl: It's my show!! I am the lady in charge! Look how independent I am!!
Gerard Butler: I'd hit it.
[he makes a NUMBER of COMMENTS that in REAL LIFE would get him SUED or FIRED or PUNCHED in the NECK and/or BALLS]
Katherine Heigl: He gets my goat! I'll take him down!
[she does NOT, but rather gets STUCK in a TREE and is SAVED by her HOT NEIGHBOR]
Katherine Heigl: Oh! He's so hot! But I'm so obviously crazy!
Gerard Butler: You really are. But guess what! I can teach you how to get a man...like a man would! Because I'm a man, and you're a woman, and never the twain shall meet. Or something. Nice tits.
Katherine Heigl: Though I have no real reason to agree to this, I will do what you say to win my hot neighbor.
[many SHENANIGANS occur, one involving VIBRATING PANTIES and a REMOTE CONTROL that could have been EASILY AVOIDED by, HELLO, going to the bathroom and TAKING THEM OFF]
Gerard Butler: She is a piece of work, but goddamnit, I think I love her.
Katherine Heigl: I love my hot neighbor! But also I am starting to warm to this fellow I heretofore hated. I must be the first person in all of romantic comedy** history to do such a thing!
[they dance the SAMBA and then KISS and it is MODERATELY HOT but then the HOT NEIGHBOR shows up and RUINS the MOMENT]
Katherine Heigl: Why do you even like me? Here, let me take out my extensions I got earlier to show you how you don't know me. Also, I'm a control freak.
Hot Neighbor: Uh...okay?
Gerard Butler: I'm out. But not to a different city. Just to a different station. Because I have to help raise my nephew, who is merely a device to show how I have feelings, even though I may not seem like I do.
Katherine Heigl: Feelings! Swoon! And he ordered tap water! That means we're perfect for each other!! Lady things!!
Gerard Butler: No, get lost - I don't want to get hurt. My chauvinist tendencies can be explained away by the One That Got Away! Hear that, ladies - I'm sensitive!
[they are SEPARATED and it is NOT THAT SAD because they are both REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE]
Katherine Heigl: That's it! I'm confronting him! At a hot-air balloon rally!!
[obviously, they end up in a HOT-AIR BALLOON together and HASH IT OUT and end up TOTALLY MAKING OUT on-camera]
Gerard Butler: You have tamed this wild beast!
Katherine Heigl: And I'm still totally crazy!
[they BONE and it is ODDLY UNSATISFYING]
Katherine Heigl: [amorous noises]
Gerard Butler: Am I really that good? Or are you faking?*
Katherine Heigl: You'll never know.* Because we live in a society where women are expected to please their man and make sure he doesn't feel "unconfident" by pretending to have a good time in the sack, even if they are bored. And I'm...empowered by the fact that I'm super-good at faking orgasms? Yeah! Maybe. What?

I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH YOU GUYS

**loosely used term, that.

Woman on Top

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:50:00 +0000

[it is BRAZIL]
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful girl who was good at cooking. Unfortunately, she had really bad motion sickness, a motion sickness so great that she always had to be on top when she had sex. Then, her husband cheated on her because of this.
Hot Husband: I am a man!! I need to dominate you... sometimes!!
Penelope Cruz: Maldito!! I cannot stay here with this man who does not respect me. I will go to San Francisco, where the men are real men.
[she moves in with her DRAG QUEEN BFF]
Drag Queen BFF: Girl, you can get a job in any restaurant!!
[she CANNOT, because her cooking is FROM THE HEART and it CONFUSES people]
Penelope Cruz: What shall I do? I will cook to forget him!!
Drag Queen BFF: No, girl, you need to do a magic spell! With a mermaid and shit!
[they do some sort of CEREMONY involving a MAGIC MERMAID]
Penelope Cruz: I am now cured of his love. I can focus on my cooking.
[she makes COFFEE, which results in BAD CGI AROMAS wafting about, drawing ALL THE MEN to her]
Penelope Cruz: Ay! I thought you San Francisco men would not bother me!
Good Morning Miami Guy: We are not all gay! Some of us like hot Brazilian women! Listen, I have an idea. Come to the TV station where I work and talk to my boss with me.
[she LITERALLY has a TV show the NEXT DAY]
Drag Queen BFF: Yes, child!! I will be your wacky sidekick.
[everyone LOVES the show because Penelope Cruz is MAD HOT...just like the PEPPERS she uses! heyyyyoooo]
Hot Husband: I must find my wife!!
[he BURSTS into the TV studio with a FUCKING BAND and starts SERENADING her on LIVE TV, because TV studios never have SECURITY or even anyone PAYING ATTENTION enough to stop the FIVE-PIECE COMBO sneaking on set]
Penelope Cruz: Go away! I do not love you no more.
Hot Husband: I will win you with my good looks, silken voice, and South American heat.
Good Morning Miami: So...the station director wants your ex-husband to be on the show permanently. That should cause some shenanigans.
[there is, INEVITABLY, a FOOD FIGHT]
Good Morning Miami: So do you want to go on a date with me?
Penelope Cruz: Okay! Even if it's to make my ex-husband jealous!!
[they go on a DATE but it is BORING]
Good Morning Miami: Oh well, it's okay because guess what!! The network wants to maybe pick up the show!
The Network: Change everything! She's too ethnic, and the lights are too low, and she has a fucking drag queen as a sidekick.
Penelope Cruz: If we must make changes, I do not want this anymore! I just want to love my husband again, because the love of food and the love of a man are all any woman needs in life!!
[she CANNOT love him because of the SPELL the MAGIC MERMAID cast or something]
Penelope Cruz: I will cook the mermaid another offering! But I cannot cook anymore! Kraft Mac and Cheese, save my marriage!!
Magic Mermaid: Kraft? Fuck you.
[Penelope Cruz ALMOST DROWNS, which proves that you DON'T FUCK WITH A MERMAID]
Drag Queen BFF: Oh wait, your husband is back.
Penelope Cruz: Though literally nothing about our relationship has changed, and we haven't really discussed our whole sexual issue thing, I love you again, so that's enough. Let's cook together.
Drag Queen BFF: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
Good Morning Miami: Um...okay!
[they DANCE]

P.S. I Love You

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:53:00 +0000

[it is CHINATOWN]
Hilary Swank: What are we doing with our lives? We live in Chinatown and have no kids and you keep rubbing it in my face with your hot Irish accent and brooding good looks!!
Gerard Butler: Ah, love, don't be frettin' about our lives - 'twill all come 'round! Ya just got ta stop buyin' them designer shoes!!
[she HURLS a variety of SHIT at him, BREAKING his SUSPENDERS]
Gerard Butler: Let's solve our problems by having amazing makeup sex.
[they DO]
Hilary Swank: Being married to you is awesome!!
[he DIES]
[no, seriously, he DIES, like, during the CREDIT SEQUENCE]
[it's REALLY WEIRD]
Kathy Bates: Thanks for coming to my bar for the Irish wake of my good-for-nothing son-in-law. Let's all have a shot of Jameson and I'll stop complaining about him, since he's dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: How did he die?*
Hilary Swank: Brain tumor.*
Harry Connick Jr.: NICE!* Uh, sorry, I have a condition that makes me rude. It's never really established if this is a real condition. Just go with it, I'm attractive.
Gina Gershon: Don't worry, your comic sidekick friends are here! We're too wacky to just be one sidekick! So there are two of us. Also, I am married to Spike from Buffy, I think.
Lisa Kudrow: We're so sorry your husband is dead! I'm still going to cruise this funeral, though, since I am a hilariously desperate single girl.
Hilary Swank: Thanks, friends. Now I will retreat into my apartment.
[she MOPES around for like THREE WEEKS because HELLO her husband just DIED]
Kathy Bates: Stop being depressed! He's dead, get over it. Also, happy birthday.
Nellie McKay: I'm your sister!
[a CAKE arrives from BEYOND THE GRAVE]
Gerard Butler [on tape]: Hello. Since I am dying, I have written you a series of letters and arranged a series of adventures for you, all designed specifically to make you remember our relationship in bits and pieces. It'll be fun, I promise.
Hilary Swank: You rascal!! You dead, dead rascal!
[she goes KARAOKEING because her dead husband told her to]
Hilary Swank: I remember the time we karaoked...sigh. Now you're dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: So...are we gonna get together or what?
Hilary Swank: Dead husband, remember? Totally hung up on him? Duh. But please keep hanging around pestering me until I finally give in, since persistence is the #1 trait in romance movies that women look for in a man.
[she and her GIRLS go to IRELAND, a trip her DEAD HUSBAND arranged]
Gina Gershon: He left me a letter!
Lisa Kudrow: Me too!
[it is actually KIND OF SWEET]
Hilary Swank: Well, let's go to the bar he said to go to.
[they see Jeffrey Dean Morgan and are all like DAMN HE FINE]
Gina Gershon: It's time for you to bone someone.
Lisa Kudrow: As your BFFs, it is our responsibility to get you laid. This is pretty true to life, actually.
[Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays a SONG that reminds her of her DEAD HUSBAND and she RUNS AWAY, thus negating the possibility of HOT BONING]
Lisa Kudrow: Aw crap!
[they go FISHING and FLAIL ABOUT because they are CITY CHICKS and lose their OARS and are STUCK in the LAKE]
Gina Gershon: Well, as long as we're sitting here: I'm pregnant.
Lisa Kudrow: And I'm getting married!
Hilary Swank: And my husband is dead. Thanks, you bitches.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Hi. I just happen to be the lake...supervisor. I, uh, work on the lake. Or something.
Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow: Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!
[they get him back to their RENTAL HOUSE and HOPE for the BEST]
Hilary Swank: Look, I really like you, but kissing you...it's like trying on a pair of shoes that are really cute, but just don't fit.*
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Why not go barefoot a while?*
Hilary Swank: That metaphor...doesn't make sense. Oh well, let's fuck anyway.
[they DO, offscreen, because this movie is CLASSY]
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Oh, by the way, I'm your dead husband's childhood BFF.
Hilary Swank: Whaaaaaaaaa? I must visit his parents now for this trip to be complete.
[they give her ANOTHER LETTER and she reads it in his FORT and WEEPS]
Gerard Butler: I remember when I met you, and you were quirky, and I loved you immediately, because that happens in the movies, and maybe also in Ireland, and I tried to trick you into kissing me by claiming a dog was a Wild Irish Dog, which when you think about it is pretty cute. P.S. I love you.
[she goes HOME, SAFE in the KNOWLEDGE that he LOVED her but still HUNG UP]
Hilary Swank: I know! I'll become a shoe designer!! Shoes solve all the world's problems.
[she NEGLECTS her friends and family to COBBLE all day long]
Lisa Kudrow: Bitch, I'm getting married and you're off fucking cobbling? What the fuck?!
Hilary Swank: Sorry. I made you some shoes as an apology.
Lisa Kudrow: All is forgiven! Ladies love shoes!!
Kathy Bates: I have the last letter for you. Oh, and even though I hated him, I still agreed to mail all the letters for him. Seriously, though, this one is the last one. Everyone dies alone. But in that, we're together.*
Harry Connick Jr.: Let's go to Yankee Stadium for some reason, since my uncle has access to it all the time.
Hilary Swank: I got a letter from my dead husband that says to stop being hung up on him, so now I'm not anymore. Wanna kiss now?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay!!
[they DO, and it is NOT HOT]
Harry Connick, Jr.: That was like kissing my sister! I guess we will just be friends, even after all that build-up. Hollywood, suck on that!
Hilary Swank: Wait, so I end up alone?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well...no one wants to end up alone, because that is the worst thing ever. Maybe you and your mom can go to Ireland and presumably both find hot Irishmen!
Hilary Swank: Okay!!
[a JIG plays]

Me, Myself, and Irene: The Pitch Meeting

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:24:00 +0000

[it is HOLLYWOOD]
Film Exec: We're looking for something new, something edgy, something with a lotta heart and a lotta farts. Call up those Farrelly brothers. You know, with the one with the jizz in the hair.
Film Exec's Assistant: Right away, boss!
[he LITERALLY RUNS to the phone]
Bobby Farrelly: Listen, we got this great new idea. You know how mental illness is so hilarious?
Film Exec: Well, sure I do!
Bobby Farrelly: Of course! There's nothing funnier than someone with a disease that's misunderstood by most of the population, a misunderstanding perpetuated by all sorts of media!
Peter Farrelly: So what we'd like to do is make a movie about a guy with two personalities - you know, schizophrenia!
Film Exec's Assistant: Um, isn't schizophrenia a disorder that causes the sufferer to experience a break with reality? That isn't the same as what people refer to as "multiple personality disorder" but is now officially called "dissociative identity disorder"? And wouldn't equating schizophrenia with multiple personalities make it even more difficult for those who live with it to--
Film Exec: Get me a coffee and stop talking! All this gobbledy-gook is going to confuse our audience! And confused audiences don't see more movies!
Bobby Farrelly: That's right, sir! We're going to keep this nice and simple. Just call it schizophrenia.
Peter Farrelly: But this movie isn't just about a guy with multiple personalities, one of which makes a lot of off-color jokes and is extremely sexual in a hilarious manner. No - this movie has black people and white people living together in harmony! Including a black midget!
Film Exec: Sounds great, but we need to make sure these black people are presented in a good light; this isn't a minstrel show. Can they be really smart?
Bobby Farrelly: Sure! But they'll still talk like black people. You know how black people talk! They say "motherfucker" a lot! Talking about quantum physics will be so much more hilarious if the word "motherfucker" is in there.
Peter Farrelly: Yeah, they'll be the really smart illegitimate children of the wife of the schizophrenic guy, who had an affair with a black midget! Wacky!!
Film Exec's Assistant: Schizophrenic doesn't mean--
Bobby Farrelly: Whatever. Look, we've got Jim Carrey talking, he's riding high on the fumes of Man on the Moon, and needs to get back to what he does best: make funny faces and contort his body.
Peter Farrelly: We could even have a scene where his two personalities have a fight! Jim can really show off his skills at punching himself in the face with that!
Film Exec's Assistant: I don't really think that's how it works.
[he QUIVERS a little bit]
Film Exec: Get me a danish! So, boys, you got a plot for this little number? Or a girl? Gotta have a girl!
Bobby Farrelly: We'll figure something out - like, we figure out a way for Jim and whoever the girl is - somebody skinny and blonde, maybe that "You had me at hello" chick - to go on some sort of road trip, so there are multiple opportunities for hijinks.
Peter Farrelly: They can meet hilarious characters along the way, like an albino kid who claims he murdered his whole family!
Bobby Farrelly: Maybe they're on the lam for some reason. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that Jim Carrey is going to try to shoot a cow that got hit by a car to put it out of its misery, and when that doesn't work, he will wrestle with it. And if that isn't comedy gold, I don't know what is.
Film Exec: Me neither, son. Me neither.

In Which She Asks For Money

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:23:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
Anna: I love living in New York! There is so much to do and see!
New York Attractions: But we are so expensive!
Peanut Butter: Even I, a wholesome food staple, am expensive in New York!
Anna: Oh no! Why is everything so expensive? And how do I have no money?
Anna's Apartment: Because I am in a prime location, and even though I am kind of a shithole, I take lots of money!!
[the CEILING falls on her HEAD*]
Anna: Living in New York is hard!! And now my head hurts!

Guys, I'm just gonna put it out there: I need money. Basically everyone I know is mad broke, but are they writing hilarious ultra-condensed movies for you all the time? They are not (as far as I know). Don't you want to give back for the many LOLs you have received here? I'm sure you do. So we're having the First Annual or Maybe Not Annual at All Because I Hope This is the Only Time I Need to Do This Ultra Condensed Movies Pledge Drive!! (I know you're all super excited.) Here are the pledge levels:

$1: Meet Cute: If you give me a dollar, I will take a picture of the dollar in front of a Famous New York Attraction and send it to you via technology.
$5: Hilarious Mix-Up: If you send me five dollars, I will send you a postcard of something hilarious.
$10: Hate Turns to Love: If you send me ten dollars, I will send you a DVD of my choosing. I have a medium-sized collection of bizarre variety.
$100: Montage of Dates: If you send me $100, I will go see a movie of your choosing with you in the movie theater. This is at my convenience, so if you're not somewhere the MTA runs, you'll have to wait until I'm in your town. You might have to wait a while. But isn't anticipation EVEN BETTER than getting the thing?
$100,000: They Bone and it is Hot: If you send me $100,000, I will bone you.

So just click on the Paul Rudd below (RSS peeps, you may have to click over to the blog) and enter an amount in PayPal. I assume you all know how to use PayPal, because my readers are all extremely smart and attractive. You can also drop a tip in the tip jar any time you like with the "Buy Me a Movie" button over on the right. Just sayin'.

*this didn't actually happen to me, but did actually almost happen to my roommate. Trust.

What Happens in Vegas

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:20:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
Jason Sudeikis: So, I want to break up with you. Unfortunately, I am going to do it in front of all of our friends, unbeknownst to me, because it is my birthday and they are hiding for a surprise party. However, we've already established that I'm kind of a tool.
Cameron Diaz: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Lake Bell: You want me to junk-punch him? CAUSE I WILL. Also, let's go to Vegas.
[it is a CABINET COMPANY or something]
Treat Williams: So, I want to fire you. Hilariously, I am your dad.
Ashton Kutcher: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Rob Corddry: Dude, let's go to Vegas.
[everyone goes to VEGAS because SHENANIGANS happen there]
Cameron Diaz: Dude, our hotel room is totally sweet!
[SOMEHOW, the four of them are BOOKED in the SAME ROOM, though that has NEVER HAPPENED, especially considering COMPUTER KEYS and stuff]
Ashton Kutcher: Sorry, ladies...that you're so hot! Wanna party with us?
Cameron Diaz: Ew.
Rob Corddry: I hate you, Female Lead's Sidekick.
Lake Bell: I hate you more, Male Lead's Sidekick.
Ashton: Come on, just one drink! I dare you! And since you have been proven to be a workaholic with Type-A tendencies, I know that will get you.
Cameron: YOU'RE ON.
[they have a CRAZY NIGHT and Ashton and Cameron wake up MARRIED]
Cameron: I'm dumping you! I have made judgements on your character based on your behavior during one sloppy night!
Ashton: No, I'm dumping you! I have also made those same judgements!
[he puts HER QUARTER into a SLOT MACHINE and wins THREE MILLION DOLLARS]
Cameron/Ashton: Yes! I'm rich! That's my money! Etc. etc. etc.
[they go back to NEW YORK and try to get DIVORCED so they can each have some MONEY]
Dennis Miller: Hi, everyone. Was the premise of this movie still too plausible for you? Well, that's what I'm here to remedy. I sentence the two of you to six months of HARD MARRIAGE to show that marriage is important and not a farce. Yes, that's it. And you'll have to go to marriage counseling with Queen Latifah, who is super-no-nonsense in this movie.
Queen Latifah: Mmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmm.
[there are a bunch of HIJINKS involving how much they HATE each other]
Cameron:I know! I'll trick him into cheating on me and then I'll get it all!
Ashton: That exact same plan!
[a HUGE PARTY erupts at their PLACE and they both end up in the BATHROOM, hiding, and having a TENDER MOMENT about a LIGHTHOUSE]
Zack Galifianakis: [says something Galifianakis-y/hilarious]
Rob Corddry [addressing lotion]: Lavender, get on my head.*
[he RUBS the LOTION on his BALD HEAD]
Ashton: I know! I'll use her obvious attachment to her ex-fiance to undermine her!
[he TRIES this, but it DOES NOT WORK because she is WARMING to him]
Cameron: Listen, can you just come to my work retreat with me and try to be cool? I'm trying to get a promotion and a super-hot husband would do wonders for that.
[he is SO COOL that everyone LOVES him and, subsequently, HER as well]
Ashton/Cameron: I thought I hated this person, but I do not! Whaaaaaaa?
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, I'm back to ruin the seemingly nice ending.
Cameron: Oh, now I hate Ashton. He can have all the jackpot money.
Ashton: Now I am confused, but still pretty hot, to be honest.
Cameron's Boss: You got the promotion!
Cameron Diaz: But...I had a Life Realization! I don't want this job!
[she goes to the LIGHTHOUSE and Ashton FINDS her because of that one time they talked about a LIGHTHOUSE]
Ashton: Let's be married again.
Cameron: Cool.
Lake Bell: [JUNK-PUNCHES Jason Sudeikis]
Rob Corddry: Yeah!!

No Reservations

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 11:48:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am a chef. That is my work, and that is my life. I do not want to date my neighbor, I do not want to go to therapy, all I want is to be in the kitchen and run it the way I see fit. I certainly hope nothing occurs to disrupt my way of life.
Bob Balaban: Well, your boss said you had to come to therapy with me anyway.
CZJ: I'll just use this time to test new recipes on you, since I have no friends.
[she goes to WORK and SHOUTS at a CUSTOMER because she has HER OWN WAY OF DOING THINGS]
Patricia Clarkson: Look, I know we are trying to establish you as someone who does things her own way, but you can't shout at customers!
CZJ: I know how to cook foie gras!! He's an imbecile!!
Pregnant Sous-Chef: Foie gras is cruelty to animals. And yet...I am a chef. Don't worry, this will never come up again, ever.
CZJ's Sister: Hi! We're on our way to visit you! We'll be there soon!
Abigail Breslin: See you soon, Aunt Kate!
[they CRASH and the sister DIES and you are like DUDE I thought this was LIGHTHEARTED]
Abigail Breslin: Now I have a dead mom. Bring me my one million stuffed animals to make me feel better.
[there is a SADNESS MONTAGE]
CZJ: My life! My perfect life! Ruined! I shall sob in the walk-in freezer.
Patricia Clarkson: Seriously, take some time off. Your sister just died. GO HOME. We all know you're a workaholic. Just go.
[she ATTEMPTS to feed her NIECE, who likes KID FOOD and not FISH with their HEADS still on]
Abigail Breslin: I know this is supposed to be funny because you don't know how to take care of kids and stuff, but the whole thing how my mom just died in a car crash kind of makes this sad and not funny.
CZJ: I know. Sorry.
[she goes back to work to find a USURPER in her PLACE, playing OPERA]
Aaron Eckhart: ...vinceró!! Oh, hello. I'm just singing some easily-recognizable opera.
CZJ: In my kitchen?! NEVER. Now I hate you for no real reason.
[they GLARE at each other and have a MONTAGE of HATRED]
Abigail Breslin: I'm sad because my mom died. Remember that?
CZJ: Come to work with me! I'm sure my staff won't mind a child just hanging around in a busy kitchen of a fine-dining restaurant!
[Aaron Eckhart CHARMS the little girl, thusly CHARMING CZJ by the Property of Transitive Charming]
CZJ: He's...kind of charming. I thought he was infuriating, though! This is so bizarre! I can't believe I made that kind of 180!
[there is a MONTAGE of FLIRTING]
Aaron Eckhart: Now I will make a pizza picnic dinner with your niece to complete my Charm Plan.
[he DOES, and there is a MONTAGE of PIZZA-MAKING]
CZJ: Consider me charmed!!
[there is a RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE]
Patricia Clarkson: Maybe you should be executive chef, Aaron Eckhart.
Aaron Eckhart: No thanks.
Abigail Breslin: Can we get back to the fact that I'm still grieving for my mom?
CZJ: Let's have a pillow fight and play Monopoly.
Abigail Breslin: Can the feathers bust out of the pillow and fly everywhere? Even though that has never happened in real life?
CZJ: Of course.
[back at the RESTAURANT]
Aaron Eckhart: I got offered your job.
CZJ: I hate you!!
Aaron Eckhart: I didn't take it.
CZJ: Oh, I don't hate you.
Aaron Eckhart: But I am going to move to San Francisco.
CZJ: Okay, I hate you!
[her niece RUNS AWAY to the CEMETERY and he has a CAR or something]
CZJ: Now I need you, so I don't hate you!!
Aaron Eckhart: Make up your fucking mind.
CZJ: I can't! My woman mind is so confused!!
[she is SO PISSED that a customer is COMPLAINING that she STABS a STEAK and brings it, RAW, out to his TABLE, and QUITS her JOB in a SPECTACULAR MANNER]
CZJ: Okay, I made up my mind: I love you. Let's open a restaurant together and make my niece work there.
[they do, and it is CUTE?]

Lars and the Real Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:47:00 +0000

[it is a MIDWESTERN STATE that I assumed was MINNESOTA based on all the SCANDINAVIAN NAMES until I recognized a SCONNIE LICENSE PLATE]
Emily Mortimer: Seriously, Lars, come in the house. Don't stay out here in the garage. We love you and we want you to live in the house. Only crazy people live in garages.
Ryan Gosling: You look cold. Here, wear my symbolism blanket to keep you warm.
Emily Mortimer: You mean the baby blanket your mother knit you before she died giving birth to you? Thanks.
Ryan Gosling: No problem. And no, I don't want to come inside. Tell your husband, my brother, that I won't come inside.
Paul Schneider: I turned him crazy because I'm a bad brother!!
[he GUILTS ABOUT, hotly]
Emily Mortimer: Sigh.
[they go to CHURCH, because they are of HEARTY LUTHERAN STOCK]
Nice Church Lady: Here, Lars, give this flower to someone nice.
Blonde Work Girl: Hi, Lars!
[he literally FLINGS the FLOWER into the WOODS to avoid giving it to her]
Blonde Work Girl: Oh...I...uh. Hi. God! I'm so awkward. But it's okay and sort of cute, because we're both awkward. Right? RIGHT?
[it is a DREARY OFFICE]
Blonde Work Girl: Hi Lars! Hi! Hi! I want to talk to you but I'm so nervous and I want to be friends or maybe your girlfriend but I'm not sure why because you are sort of socially inept!
Work Buddy: Hey, man, check out these sex dolls. They're anatomically correct! And I'm only in this movie to tell you about them.
[six weeks LATER]
Ryan Gosling: Guys, I have a visitor. A girl visitor. From Brazil. Who's a missionary.
Emily Mortimer: Oh my god! Amazing! This means you're not mentally deficient! People who are in couples are automatically not crazy! Hooray!
Paul Schneider: Let's meet her!! Then I will be absolved of my guilt!!
[she is a SEX DOLL and they are like WHAT]
Paul Schneider: My brother is crazy!! It's all my fault! Whyyyyy!?!?
Emily Mortimer: It's going to be okay. Let's go see the doctor, who also has a hilariously Scandinavian name. We'll tell him the doll needs a doctor's appointment.
Patricia Clarkson: Your brother has a delusion. My medical recommendation is that you go along with it until he doesn't need it anymore.
Paul Schneider: It's all my fault!! I can't do this!!
Emily Mortimer: YES YOU CAN. And so can the whole town. Luckily, we live in Bumblefuck, Wisconsin, so everyone can be in on it.
[the WHOLE TOWN pretends she is REAL because they are NICE and it is REALLY SWEET]
Paul Schneider: My guilt issues! I am dealing with them! In a hot, hot manner!
Ryan Gosling: Everyone likes my girlfriend so much - maybe a little too much!
[he has a FIGHT with the DOLL and it is actually kind of SAD]
Blonde Work Girl: So you have a girlfriend, so what? I have a boyfriend, and he's a real person. So there.
[the JERK DUDE from work kidnaps her TEDDY BEAR and "KILLS" it, but Ryan Gosling RESUSCITATES it and it is KIND OF ADORABLE]
Blonde Work Girl: Maybe we should go bowling.
Ryan Gosling: Well, we are in Wisconsin. Let's go.
[they DO, and he sees that ACTUAL PEOPLE are more fun than DOLLS]
Ryan Gosling: My girlfriend's sick, everyone.
Emily Mortimer: Whaaaaaaat?
Patricia Clarkson: Lars no longer needs the doll, so he is killing her.
[the doll DIES and they have an ACTUAL FUNERAL because she is BELOVED amongst the TOWNSPEOPLE]
Blonde Work Girl: I liked her. Maybe we should catch up with everyone.
Ryan Gosling: Want to go for a walk?*
Blonde Work Girl: Yeah.*
[theoretically, they live ADORABLY EVER AFTER]

Guest Post: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:37:00 +0000

Oh, Woody Allen. Will you ever tire of ScarJo and her giant rack? Laura McClain thinks not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is BARCELONA]

Perky Voiceover: Once upon a time, there were two girls named Vicky and Cristina. One was practical and rational and one was a flighty whore. Guess which one’s the whore.
Scarlett Johansson: It’s me!
[they go to an OPULENT summer home OWNED by Vicky’s COUSIN or SOMETHING]
Patricia Clarkson: Welcome to Barcelona! I hope this summer you have life-changing experiences!
Scarlett Johansson: Me too! Let’s drink some wine!
Rebecca Hall: Not me. I am too sensible to have my life changed. All I want to do is work on my graduate studies and marry that boring yuppie from back home.
Scarlett Johansson: I know you’re the brunette and all, but God, lighten up.
[they GO to an ART show and SEE a BROODING SPANIARD]
Patricia Clarkson: Oh, there’s that mysterious painter! Darling, didn’t he have a tempestuous relationship with his ex-wife?
Her Husband: He sure did! These Spaniards are crazy!
[Vicky and Cristina GO to DINNER]
Javier Bardem: Hola. I saw you across the restaurant. You have sensual lips. Do you both want to come to a remote city with me? Three-way?
Scarlett Johansson: That sounds awesome!
Rebecca Hall: No effing way. I am too sensible for your charms, Spaniard!
[they FLY to the REMOTE city]
Javier Bardem: This sightseeing has been great. Ready to get it on?
Rebecca Hall: How dare you!
Scarlett Johansson: Obviously. Have you SEEN my bleached blonde hair and giant rack? I’m all about it!
[they START to DO IT, but she BARFS from ULCER COMPLICATIONS]
Rebecca Hall: Oh no! Now I have to sightsee alone with this devastatingly handsome Spaniard!
[he LAYS down a LOT of really SOLID lines about LOVE and POETRY and PASSION and she is SMITTEN]
Javier Bardem: Let’s go listen to Spanish guitar. Thus my seduction of you will be complete.
[they BONE OUTDOORS]
Rebecca Hall: My conflicted heart!
Scarlett Johansson: The Spaniard called! He wants to see me again!
Rebecca Hall: Super! That’s great. Yeah. Totally great. I’m really happy for you. Suuuuper happy.
[Scarlett Johansson MOVES IN with Javier Bardem after like, A DAY, and Rebecca Hall’s NEBBISH fiancé comes to Spain]
Scarlett Johansson: Let’s go to a charming amusement park on a double date. More scenery porn!
Rebecca Hall: We are finally alone. Why didn’t you ever call me? I’m going to say “make love” about a thousand times now, making this even more embarrassing.
Javier Bardem: The human heart is a mysterious mistress. Passion is like a peevish child. More ridiculously dramatic things about love.
Rebecca Hall: My heart is broken! But I shall say nothing.
[Javier and Scarlett are AWAKENED by the PHONE]
Javier Bardem: It is my nutso ex-wife. She has attempted suicide again. I must go to the hospital.
[he RETURNS with a BUSTED-LOOKING, but still SMOKING HOT Penelope Cruz]
Penelope Cruz: [in SPANISH] Who’s this dumb trick?
Javier Bardem: Speak English! I want her to understand all of your insults.
[Penelope and Javier get in a SPANISH FIGHT and it’s PRETTY HOT]
Penelope Cruz: Watch me achieve Oscar-level heights of crazy!
Javier Bardem: She’s going to have to live with us. Just for a few months.
Scarlett Johansson: I’m totally cool with that.
[she is CLEARLY NOT]
Penelope Cruz: Come on, dumb blonde. I will show you how to be a true artist.
[she PAINTS and TAKES PHOTOS and COMPOSES MUSIC and is BASICALLY like F-YOU to Scarlett]
Penelope Cruz: I made you a darkroom for your photographs. Let’s make out in it.
Javier Bardem: Finally, my three-way!
[they all DO IT, but Woody Allen is TOO CLASSY to SHOW ANYTHING]
Scarlett Johansson: Even though you are both super hot, I am somehow still unhappy. I think I have to go find myself some more.
Penelope Cruz: But we love you! Threeeeeewaaaaaaay!
[meanwhile, BACK at the HOUSE of YUPPIE DISSATISFACTION…]
Rebecca Hall: I must confess! I love the Spaniard!
Patricia Clarkson: Then you must go to him. Don’t end up miserable like me, in my palatial Barcelona mansion, drinking white wine and sailing on my yacht. Save yourself!
[she THROWS a PARTY to GET Rebecca and Javier TOGETHER]
Javier Bardem: I know that you are in love with me. Come to my home tomorrow.
Rebecca Hall: I cannot!
[at his HOUSE]
Rebecca Hall: Okay, I’m here. But I’m not going to sleep with you. I’m married! And though I won’t mention it, you’ve boned my best friend like, a hundred times.
[they MAKE OUT]
Penelope Cruz: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! My breasts and I are here with this pistol! Why am I not part of this threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeway?!?!?
[she ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS Rebecca Hall in the HAND]
Rebecca Hall: OW! You crazy Spaniards! Barcelona is too intense!
Voiceover: So Vicky and Cristina went home, to be miserable and neurotic, respectively. This IS a Woody Allen movie, after all.

Funny People

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:25:00 +0000

I think this UCM makes this movie sound worse than it is. It's actually pretty funny, and I thought the casting was great. It's a little long, yes, and it has the whole Apatovian man-boy thing happening, but it's pretty solid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LA in the 80s]
Adam Sandler: Look at me! I'm young! And kind of funny when I make prank phone calls to AmEx! This is actual footage of me when I'm young! But now I am old, and live in a sumptuous house with no love in my life.
[he MOPES ABOUT, though he is RICH]
Seth Rogen: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
RZA: As your black friend from work, I must say: you crazy. You ain't funny.
[he KIND OF ISN'T]
Jason Schwartzmann: Look, just because I'm more successful than you doesn't mean you should be sad. But I will fuck that girl you like in 10 days if you don't.
Seth Rogen: But! I! I mean, I know I lost a bunch of weight recently, but I'm still not as cute as you. I don't look like Jackson Browne.*
Jonah Hill: I am also your roommate, and funny.
[meanwhile, in a MEDICAL FACILITY]
Adam Sandler's Doctor: So, you have cancer. You should probably tell your friends.
Adam Sandler: I have none. My life is so empty.
[he goes to a SMALL CLUB and does some STAND-UP but it's SUPER DEPRESSING and ALIENATING]
Seth Rogen: So...that was depressing, right?
[Adam Sandler tries to RUN HIM OVER]
Adam Sandler: Dude, I'm sorry I tried to run you over. Why don't you and your friend, the fat version of you, write some jokes for me?
Seth Rogen: Well, I'll write jokes for you, but I'm not going to tell my friend that you even requested his services. I'm sure that won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Adam Sandler: Sounds like a plan. Let's go tell jokes at a MySpace company meeting.
[they DO, to the strains of JAMES TAYLOR, who is ACTUALLY PLAYING, because MySpace is TOTALLY RELEVANT]
Seth Rogen: Do you ever get tired of playing the same songs?*
James Taylor: Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?*
Seth Rogen: No. Here's another dick joke.
Adam Sandler: Be my friend! I have cancer!
Seth Rogen: Uh, okay?
Adam Sandler: Also, help me sort out my issues with the woman I cheated on long ago.
Seth Rogen: Uh...okay?
Leslie Mann: That's me. Now I love you again because you have cancer or something.
Adam Sandler: Cool. But I'm in remission.
Leslie Mann: Oh. I still love you again. I guess.
[they RECONNECT, kind of, but then he is a DICK again]
Eric Bana: Are you hitting on my wife, cancer guy?
Adam Sandler: She loves me, not you!!
[they FIGHT in the FRONT YARD]
Leslie Mann: I am going to divorce him. I'll tell him at the airport.
Seth Rogen: I must stop her, because of my loyalty to my boss/friend/mentor-type person.
[he SPEEDS to the AIRPORT, but they already MADE UP]
Adam Sandler: Stop messing in my business!
Jonah Hill: You betrayed me!
Jason Schwartzmann: I fucked that girl you like!
That Girl He Likes: But I still like you anyway, Skinny Seth Rogen. Let's kiss on a promontory.
Seth Rogen: Gah! This is too much! I'm going back to work at the grocery store with my black friend.
Adam Sandler: Sorry I was a dick before. Let's write jokes together.
[they form a MAN-LOVE that will LAST throughout ETERNITY]

Two Weeks Notice: The Pitch Meeting

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:04:00 +0000

So this movie is not actually all bad - I do actually like Miss Sandy and Hugh together, and there were a few actual funny parts. But overall, it's just another rehash of every inane romcom ever and makes two female lawyers act like feuding preteens. Which makes me the sadder that Sandy's listed as one of the producers (a fact I ignored while writing this Pitch Meeting). I legitimately enjoyed Miss Congeniality, Sandy! I even liked Hope Floats a little bit. What gives? Why you gotta give us this schlock?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT conference room]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Listen, my boy needs a hit, and he needs it now. Whaddaya got for me?
Male Film Exec: Let's see, a hit...well, perhaps Hugh could play a British man. A slightly rumpled, but very rich British man.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Hugh can totally do that. He plays both rich and rumpled quite well. And British, of course!
[they CHUCKLE indulgently]
Male Film Exec: He could have a change of heart! About, you know, his morals or whatever. Like, maybe he owns this big corporation, right? But he doesn't know anything about life.
Hugh Grant's Agent: That's so deep. Hugh's going to love that.
Male Film Exec: So he has a change of heart due to...a lady! That he hates at first, but then likes, and then, realizes he is in love with. Yes! This is cutting-edge stuff, right here.
Hugh Grant's Agent: A lady? She's the one who teaches him what's really important in life? This is going to basically change the way we think about film.
Female Film Exec: So this is a chick flick. Great.
Male Film Exec: We're talking, hang on. And the lady could be...oh, someone pretty that people like.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Well, that could be any number of ladies in Hollywood! But no one over 40! Ha ha!
[they CHORTLE heartily]
Film Exec: But we'll want the ladies to relate to her, so she should be almost 40. But just under. And she should probably look around 30. This isn't Dubuque! Ha ha!
Hugh Grant's Agent: I know! That Speed girl!
Female Film Exec: She has a name, you know. And her own production company. And Speed was, like, 10 years ago. And she's a woman, not a girl.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Yeah! Her! Sandy Bullock! Everyone loves her. Plus, she's so pretty!
Male Film Exec: And she can be...a Harvard-educated lawyer. You know, for the smart skirts to relate to.
Hugh Grant's Agent: But she shouldn't be too smart - we want the fellas to find her attractive, too! And you know how guys hate a smart broad.
[they HIGH-FIVE]
Male Film Exec: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. Let me get my writer squad in here. Maybe they can spitball a little.
[a CADRE of MAN-BOY WRITERS enters, wearing a VARIETY of SORT-OF TRENDY shirts]
Writer #1: She can be a hippie lawyer! With hippie parents! Tofu jokes galore!
Writer #2: And he can hire her to work for his company! Wackiness everywhere!
Male Film Exec: But wait - if she's a hippie lawyer, why would she work for him? Everyone knows hippies hate corporations.
Writer #3: Oh, we'll come up with something - like he promises not to destroy something she cherishes if she'll work for him. A community center or something hippie-ish like that.
Writer #1: And then - ooh! And THEN - he can almost break his promise, but since he realizes he loves her, he won't. That's when he learns about life. And makes a romantic speech.
Writer #2: Also I have a great bit about being stuck on the Queensboro Bridge and having to have explosive diarrhea and using an RV bathroom. If we could work that in, that would be great.
Hugh Grant's Agent: This all sounds great, guys, but shouldn't there be a little conflict at some point? Say, with another girl? A younger, hotter one?
Male Film Exec: Sure, sure - maybe Speed girl -
Female Film Exec: SANDRA BULLOCK.
Male Film Exec: Sure, her - maybe she hires this new, hotter girl to replace her as the corporate lawyer.
Writer #3: That'll work. I mean, corporations hire young lawyers with no corporate experience to head their legal departments all the time. It's totes believable. I'm all about realism, you know?
Writer #1: And then - ooh!! And THEN - the hot lady lawyers fight over Hugh! Because Harvard-educated women totally get in catfights over billionaires all the time!
Female Film Exec: This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.
Male Film Exec: Must be on her period! Heyyyoooo!!
[all the DUDES bump CHESTS]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Wow, guys, you have really outdone yourselves this time. Hugh is going to just vomit with happiness. But not explosive diarrhea with happiness. We'll leave that to the funny chick.
Male Film Exec: No problem. As long as they still kiss at the end, everyone's gonna eat this up. Oh, and remember - no punctuation in the title! Even if it's appropriate!

Going Steady (1979)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:51:00 +0000

I know I piqued your interest many moons ago with this post regarding the FIFTY PACK of movies I got, and then wrote one post on ONE movie of the fifty in the pack, leaving you wanting more and never giving it to you. Tease.

Well, I have finally watched another choice flick from the set, Going Steady. I'm a little confused about its provenance, as the 50-movie-pack synopsis says it's from Israel, and the names of the actors certainly sound Israeli (or at least Jew-y, *cough*Rachel Steiner*cough*), but imdb says West Germany? And they all speak English in the film. In any event, it's amazingly ridiculous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ISRAEL in the 1950s]
Benji, the Main Guy: Yeah!! Driving in a sweet car and listening to American pop music is the best! We're gonna get laid!!
Fat Friend: Even me, though I am fat! Don't forget - I'm fat!
Lothario Friend: Yeahhhhh, ladiesssss.
[they go to the SODA SHOP, where TEENS are HANGING OUT]
Bazoom, the Girl with the Tits: Don't talk to me. I am too hot for you.
Fat Friend: But my friends and I just wanna hang out!
Twins, in Unison: No. We're not whores.*
Bazoom: Don't you have girlfriends?
Fat Friends: Yeah, but they're not here, so we don't have to honor our commitment to them. Let's go to the beach.
Bazoom: Fine. But we're not going to like it.
[they go SKINNY DIPPING, and Bazoom and the Twins STEAL their CLOTHES and DRIVE OFF on some HOGS with some DUDES]
Benji: Oh shit! Now I'm going to have to sneak home wearing nothing but a newspaper!
His Mom: Benji, come greet our party guests. Whaaa? Where are your clothes?!?
Benji: Hi guests. I was just...exercising. With my girlfriend. With the lights off. You should try it sometime!*
[he shows them his ASS as he RETREATS]
Benji: Hey, you know who's hot? Tammy. I love how her hair looks completely like the 70s even though this movie is ostensibly set in the 50s. I think I'll do some moderately creepy, stalker-esque things to try to win her over.
Tammy: Dude, stop stalking me.
Benji: Wait! I know what will get her! I'll eat a series of increasingly crunchy vegetables in a silent library! That always works.
[he eats a CARROT, a stalk of CELERY, a GREEN PEPPER, and finally a TURNIP, and by the end she is SMITTEN]
Tammy: Oh, you!! Disturbing other library patrons with your chewing is delightful!
[they go to a TEEN PARTY at the FAT FRIEND'S house]
Martha, the Bespectacled One: I sure hope Benji doesn't notice my longing stares. He'd never notice me, though, because I have glasses and pigtails. That's why I'm dating the Fat Friend. We're both socially unacceptable to want to fuck. Sigh.
Lothario Friend: Daaaaaaamn, that Tammy girl is hot.
[the DUDES on HOGS roll up and the party dumps WATER on them, which seems like a BAD IDEA]
Benji: Let's go boating!
Tammy: Only if I can put a flower in my hair and hold a bouquet for the entire boat ride.
[the Fat Friend FALLS OUT of the boat because REMEMBER, he is FAT]
Benji: Tammy's so amazing!!
[he goes HOME, singing "Singin' in the Rain" at the TOP of his LUNGS, awakening his PARENTS]
His Dad: Are you drunk?
His Mom: I think he's in love! That is the obvious conclusion from this bizarre behavior.
[another TEEN PARTY happens and he tries to COP a FEEL, but Tammy gets PISSED and BAILS]
Martha: It's my chance! My one chance with Benji!
[she REMOVES her GLASSES and PIGTAILS, and also her CLOTHING]
Benji: Gahsuihfhwonefldrunk
Martha: Benji, I'm naked, and I love you.
Benji: What the fuuuuuuuuck!
[he RUNS AWAY]
Lothario Friend: Look, I'm about to get laid, okay? So if you guys want to come along, let's go.
[he SNEAKS them in to SOME GIRL'S ROOM, where they WATCH as he BONES her and then the Fat Friend tries to GET UP ON HER and she gets PISSED, obviously]
Lothario Friend: What? You don't like being assaulted? Weird.
Benji: I gotta make up with Tammy. Hiding in a closet watching my friend do some floozy is no fun.
[he DOES, by TRICKING her into coming DOWNSTAIRS and apologizing HALF-HEARTEDLY]
Tammy: You're forgiven, I guess. Let's have sex.
[they are INTERRUPTED by her MOM]
Benji: I got blue balls! What do I do?
Fat Friend: Just put ice on them in the tub.
[he GOES HOME and his parents are having ANOTHER PARTY and there are FISH in the tub for some reason and he has to REMOVE the fish to ice his BALLS]
His Mom: What's going on in there!? What are you doing to my fish?!
Benji: Your fish bit me...on the nuts!*
[they try to DO IT again but are interrupted by HIS MOM]
His Mom: Why can't you be more like Morris, the neighbor boy who plays his violin in his yard?
Benji: Aw, Mom, he's a lame-o!
[he throws LITERALLY a DOZEN EGGS at this kid who is JUST trying to PRACTICE]
Morris' Mom: Your son is throwing eggs at my son again!
Benji's Mom: What? No! He's not even home!* Ha ha!
Tammy: Look, if we're going to have sex, we need a private space. Let's go pretend to be renting an apartment and then just fuck in the vacant apartment the agent will give us keys to.
Benji: Sweet.
[they go to a VACANT PAD and get NAKED and then just HUG and WEEP a SINGLE TEAR]
Lothario Friend: Another partayyyy! And another opportunity for drama. Hey, Fat Friend, you know Benji balled your girl, right?
Fat Friend: Noooooo!
Tammy: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!
Martha: I'm a whoooooooore!!
[everyone is SAD]
Some Random Girl: So I'm going on a big road trip tomorrow. You wanna come?
Benji: What? No. Okay, yes. I'll see you at your house.
Tammy: I still love Benji! But I cannot show him! Or tell him!
Fat Friend: Tammy still loves you! But she is too proud!
Benji: I can't go on the road trip, Random Girl. Here, take Fat Friend instead.
[he RUNS like a MUPPET to Tammy's HOUSE, where he THREATENS to KILL HIMSELF]
Tammy: You wouldn't kill yourself!
Benji: Oh, wouldn't I?
[he JUMPS off a BUILDING but just onto a BALCONY but she thinks he's DEAD and RUNS DOWN but he is NOT DEAD and they HUG]
Tammy: I love how emotionally manipulative you are!
Benji: Me too, Tammy. Me too.

Twilight

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:16:00 +0000

[it is PHOENIX]
Kristen Stewart: I must tell you my feelings and exposition in voiceover, for I am not a good enough actress to show you with my face, my face that remains frozen regardless of the situation. I'm moving to Forks, Washington, with my dad, because my mom wants to travel with her new husband or something? Though considering I'm a junior in high school and I seem to hate rain A LOT, this decision seems weird.
Her Dad: Sup. I bought you a truck that will indicate that you are different when you drive it to school, a la Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful.
Kristen Stewart: Thanks.
[they are SILENT because they are both LONERS]
Kristen Stewart: Well, time for school. It's so great to be starting a new school in March, though I voluntarily moved.
Fritzi from Camp: OMG let's totally be friends!
Asian Dude: Daaaaaaaamn, who's the new chick?
White Dude: I don't know, but she's hotttttt.
Black Dude: I would also express my interest in her, but that might be threatening.
[everyone goes NUTS over her because people in SMALL TOWNS are EASILY ENTERTAINED]
Kristen Stewart: Whoa. Who are those super-pale, red-lipped hotties over there?
Fritzi: Those are the Cullens. They're super weird. We shun them because they are different.
[the Cullens WALK in SLOW MOTION to DISPLAY their EERIE BEAUTY]
Not Tony Shalhoub: Welcome to Biology class! You can sit over there next to Edward Cullen.
Kristen Stewart: Hotttttt.
[a FAN blows on her HAIR and he HOLDS his NOSE because of her BLOOD SCENT but really it looks like he JIZZED in his PANTS]
R. Patts: I...have to leave.
Kristen Stewart: I'm so sad! That dude I don't know dissed me! My life is shit!
[he SAVES her from a SPEEDING VEHICLE and STARES at her some more]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaa? You dented the car with your HAND. This is strange indeed.
Long-Haired Native American Dude: The Cullens are not like us. Oh, and my tribe was descended from wolves. You might want to hang on to that info for later.
Kristen Stewart: Interesting. To Google!
[she GOOGLES some legends and one of the HITS literally says The Legend of SLAPPING BEAVER]
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. The information I need is not anywhere on the internet - it's in a book that happens to be in the bookstore in town. Now, to find a reason to go to town...
Fritzi: OMG, we're going prom dress shopping! You have to come, even though you have shown no interest whatsoever in prom!!
Kristen Stewart: K.
[she buys the BOOK and then gets ALMOST JUMPED by some BAD GUYS but is SAVED by R. Patts]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
R. Patts: Let's have dinner. Well, you have dinner. I'll watch you eat. Creepily. Or romantically? I can't tell anymore.
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. Something in this book has led me to the website I need! I know what's going on!
[there is a GOOGLE MONTAGE of VAMPIRE-RELATED WORDS]
Kristen Stewart: So, I think I know what your secret is. Let's go out into the forest, alone, so I can talk to you about it.
R. Patts: Okay.
Kristen Stewart: How long have you been 17?*
R. Patts: A while.*
Kristen Stewart: Vampire! I knew it! Yes! I am the Google Master!
R. Patts: You know I could eat you at any moment, right? That's why I jizzed in my pants when I saw you. Your blood smells better than any blood I've ever smelled. I want to eat it all day long. I'm pretty sure everyone over the age of 14 knows that when I say "blood" here...I don't really mean blood.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Gross. Or hot? I'm not really sure.
R. Patts: It's hot, I assure you. Also hot is the fact that I stand in your room at night and watch you sleep. Totally hot, right?
Kristen Stewart: Uh...right? I guess? Not stalkery?
R. Patts: Can I show you the reason vampires can't go in the sun? It's going to be seriously weird and not hilarious at all.
[he is WRONG, for he stands in the SUN and fucking SPARKLES like a DIAMOND and looks DOWNTRODDEN]
Kristen Stewart: You're so beautiful. I wish I could go on and on about your beauty like I do in the book, but instead I will just stare at you with a blank expression that indicates "enjoyment of beauty."
[they LOOK at each other for, like, EVER and JUMP AROUND on TREES]
Fritzi: OMG - she is totally going out with that weird Cullen dude! Gossip!
[everyone GOSSIPS because they are JEALOUS]
Kristen Stewart: So even though we have known each other for less than a month, and exchanged only a few words: I am in love with you. Like, crazily so. Like Romeo-and-Juliet-on-crystal-meth style bonkers romance. Yet my face will never show it.
R. Patts: That's cool. I can't bone you anyway because I would probably kill you. Want to meet my family? We don't eat humans, so it's cool.
Kristen Stewart: K. Vampires are awesome.
[meanwhile, some ANIMAL has been KILLING people but it is NOT an ANIMAL, it is some BAD VAMPIRES]
R. Patts: No bigs, let's go play baseball.
[they play VAMPIRE BASEBALL, which involves the LOUDEST CRACK OF THE BAT and also RUNNING VERY FAST]
Bad Vampires: Hello. May we join you...IN EATING THIS HUMAN?
[there is a VAMPIRE FIGHT and it is LESS AWESOME than I anticipated]
R. Patts: I have to get you out of here right now because if they eat you I cannot live without you even though I also want to eat you and I love you and I'm so confused.
[there are some SHENANIGANS that end in the BALLET STUDIO in PHOENIX, where there is another VAMPIRE FIGHT that is MORE AWESOME]
Kristen Stewart: Ow! My lifeblood! The bad vampire is biting it!
[she WRITHES for a REALLY LONG TIME]
Mike Dexter from Can't Hardly Wait: You must suck the poison out of her arm, because you love her. I can't do it, because I'd probably kill her. Or something.
R. Patts: To taste her blood and then have to stop myself will be the hardest thing in the world.
[to himself] And that's not the only thing that's hard! Hey-oooo!
[he SUCKS the POISON out, but STOPS, because of his ENDURING LOVE or some shit]
Kristen Stewart: Thanks for not letting me become a vampire. Hey, wait, no - becoming a vampire would be totally awesome and then I could be with you forever!
R. Patts: No, I don't want to deflower you. I mean...dehumanize you. Yeah. This is about vampires. Not premarital sex. In any event, let's go to prom. No premarital sex could happen there!
[they DANCE, but OMINOUS THINGS are happening to set up the SEQUEL]

Some Kind of Wonderful

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:03:00 +0000

This is (obviously) the German-language poster for this movie, the title of which translates literally to Is She Not Wonderful? but would probably be Isn't She Wonderful? if we were translating to something that actually made sense. But what I particularly like here are the taglines: "They show feeling and have fun. Her whole world is turned upside down" (literally "on its head"). What does that first part mean? I really can't figure out the colloquial version of "show feeling." Also, no one in this movie shows their feelings except maybe Emo Stoltz, who is, like, constantly drawing in his journal and brushing his hair out of his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is CALIFORNIA]
Eric Stoltz: Gee, I wish I didn't have to work in a mechanic's shop to earn my college money, especially because I don't even want to go to college.
His Dad: YOU'RE GOING!! You would be the first person in our family to go, and it would make me proud, son.
Eric Stoltz: Whatever. I'm just going to look at that pretty, popular girl, the one I love from afar.
[he GAZES at Lea Thompson and also at his GREASE-SMEARED HANDS that indicate his SOCIAL POSITION in relation to HERS]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Come on, best friend! Let's drive to school in my Mini, a car that proves I am quirky! Also I have a boy's haircut.
Eric Stoltz: I'm just so emo about that popular girl.
[he EMOS AROUND, but in a HOT WAY]
Elias Koteas: Aww, poor baby can't get the popular girl. Boo hoo.
[he FUCKS with them and gets DETENTION]
Eric Stoltz: Get lost, skinhead.
[meanwhile, at his HOUSE]
His Teen Sister: Why are you so weirrrrrrrrrrd? Everyone at school says you are. But I want to be popular!!
Candance Cameron, his baby sister: Look how precocious I am! Here are some facts.
His Parents: College!
Eric Stoltz: Why do you all have to be UP ON ME all the TIME?! God!
[he EMOS around some more, and SKETCHES Lea Thompson from AFAR, because that is NOT CREEPY AT ALL]
Lea Thompson: My boyfriend is hot, but kind of a jerk. Oh well, I'll skip class to bone him anyway.
[she gets DETENTION]
Eric Stoltz: I know!! I'll get detention so I can hang out with her!
[his plan BACKFIRES HORRIBLY when she basically HITS ON a TEACHER to get out of it]
Elias Koteas: Now we are stuck in detention together, sucker.
Eric Stoltz: I see you are carving something in that desk. Perhaps we can find common ground in our artistry.
[Elias Koteas RIPS OFF the top of the DESK he is CARVING to SHOW Eric Stoltz and they have a MOMENT]
Eric Stoltz: I think I'm ready to ask out the popular girl.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Please. You're too shy, and she's too bitchy, and I'm too in love with you. I mean...I'm not in love with you. At all. You're my best friend!
[she uses SOME DUDE to try to make him JEALOUS]
Some Dude: Everyone thinks you're a lesbian, you know. I think it's the haircut and the bad attitude.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Shut up. My friend will be back in an hour.
Some Dude: Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?*
Mary Stuart Masterson: Ew.
[meanwhile, at the MALL, because this is CALIFORNIA, after all]
Lea Thompson: I'm sick of you, rich jerky boyfriend! I just might dump you, you know! Your access to these white, pleated, 10-inch-inseam Bermuda shorts is REVOKED.
Rich Jerk Boyfriend: Ha! Who'll have you?! You're sloppy seconds now! Hot, 17-year-old sloppy seconds.
Eric Stoltz: Will you go out with me?
Lea Thompson: Yes. And this is not at all related to the fact that I am trying to make my rich jerk boyfriend jealous.
[everyone SPECULATES for, like, DAYS about whether she is PULLING HIS LEG by agreeing to DATE him]
His Teen Sister: This is crazy. Why the hell would she date you?
His Mom: Is she nice, at least?*
His Teen Sister: Mother, the girl is sex.*
Candace Cameron: Gross.
Mary Stuart Masterson: She's trying to trick you! I'd bet my hands.*
Eric Stoltz: I wouldn't take that bet.*
Mary Stuart Masterson: Look. The only things I care about in this goddamn world are me, my drums, and you.* So you can take it or leave it.
Eric Stoltz: Leave it? I guess? I mean, your hair is pretty bad.
His Teen Sister: I overheard the rich jerk talking in the mall. They're going to beat you up at the party on Saturday. I want to be popular, but not bad enough to get you pummeled.
Eric Stoltz: Then I have a plan. It involves using all my college money to buy some earrings. This will all make sense in a second, I promise.
His Dad: It better, you idiot. COLLEGE MONEY!!
Eric Stoltz: DAD I'M NOT GOING TO COLLEGE. GOD.
[Saturday ARRIVES and Mary Stuart Masterson is CHAUFFEURING them around on their DATE, because that is a FUN TIME and would not KILL HER SOUL at ALL]
Eric Stoltz: First, I will take you to the finest restaurant. Then, I will get you into the art museum after hours, where I have hung a portrait of you that I painted from memory, since I have been gazing at you forever. Then, we shall proceed to the band shell, where we will talk about our lives.
Lea Thompson: Ugh. Why are you so nice? You don't even know me. You're using me just as much as I'm using you. What is that hanging in that museum? My SOUL? No, it's my FACE.*
[all the WHILE, Mary Stuart Masterson WEEPS ALONE on the STEPS of the BAND SHELL]
Eric Stoltz: Well, time for the party and some comeuppance of someone.
[they GO to the PARTY and CONFRONT the rich jerk, who is about to PUMMEL Eric Stoltz until...]
Elias Koteas: I didn't realize the rich jerk lived in a henhouse. Must be a henhouse, because I see nothin' but CHICKEN. SHIT.*
[he and his POSSE look THREATENING, which is usually enough to SCARE rich jerks]
Lea Thompson: Oh, and?
[she SLAPS the rich jerk and it is AWESOME]
Eric Stoltz: Well, I guess we took care of him! Or Elias Koteas did, or whatever. So now we can kiss!
Lea Thompson: Wait. This ending is too much like Pretty in Pink. Maybe this time, the quirky, funny friend can end up with the dreamy, yet poor protagonist.
Eric Stoltz: This will give hope to unrequited crushes everywhere!!
[he RUNS after Mary Stuart Masterson and they KISS and it is GREAT but you kind of WONDER how he got over Lea Thompson SO QUICKLY]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Hooray! I don't need boobs or a good haircut to get a man!
Eric Stoltz: Here. The earrings represent my future, and now you are my future, so you should put them on.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Wait, what? Okay. I guess this is still part of your still-unexplained, nonsensical plan?
Eric Stoltz: Yes. Now shhhhh.

50 First Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:50:00 +0000

[it is HAWAII]
A Bunch of Random Women: I spent an amazing week with this dude in Hawaii! But he can't be tied down because he's a [random lie goes here].
Adam Sandler: Yep, that's right. A different girl every week. That's how I roll. That, and being a vet at some sort of Sea World-type place.
[some HIJINKS occur with some SEA CREATURES, including a VOMITING WALRUS]
Adam Sandler: Now for some breakfast!
[he SEES Drew Barrymore and INSTANTLY falls in love with her]
Adam Sandler: My ways have changed upon seeing her.
Drew Barrymore: Join me for breakfast! Let's be adorable and build things out of waffles! That is how you can tell I am childlike and quirky!
Large Hawaiian Diner Employees: Don't you hurt our favorite customer!
Drew Barrymore: Meet me here tomorrow.
[he DOES, and it turns out she has a SHORT-TERM MEMORY disorder]
Drew Barrymore: Who the fuck are you!?
Adam Sandler: Whaaaaat?!?
Her Dad: Don't mess with my daughter.
Sean Astin: Don't meth with my thithter. I have a lithp.
[they TRICK her into thinking she has NOT had a TERRIBLE ACCIDENT and watch "The Sixth Sense" EVERY DAY]
Adam Sandler: But I like her so much!
[he does a SERIES of TRICKS so he can SEE her that involve his PET PENGUIN and ROB SCHNEIDER]
Rob Schneider: Thanks for still giving me work, buddy.
Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute! I have a head injury?! I can't remember more than a day? This is terrible!!
[she FREAKS out, but the next day she FORGETS so it's COOL]
Adam Sandler: I love youuuuuu!!
Drew Barrymore: Please don't bother me anymore.
[she goes to live in a NURSING HOME for HOTTIES with BRAIN DAMAGE]
Adam Sandler: I can't live without youuuuu!
[he FINDS her and she has been PAINTING him from her DREAMS]
Drew Barrymore: You're the man of my dreams.*
Adam Sandler: I sure am!!
[they live on a BOAT and he studies FISH or something and they have a BABY and every day she watches a VIDEO to be like HELLO YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE but somehow it is HAPPY?]

The Object of My Affection

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:43:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
Paul Rudd: Boo hoo hoo. I am so cute and gay, but my boyfriend dumped me. Woman I just met at a party, can I stay with you in your unrealistically huge 2-bedroom apartment?
Jennifer Aniston: Of course! But you will have to put up with my comically brash boyfriend.
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!! That's me!
Jennifer Aniston: Sigh. I'm so cute and my boyfriend is so gross! This gay dude is way cuter.
[they take BALLROOM DANCING at the COMMUNITY CENTER she works at with OLD PEOPLE and it is ADORABLE]
Jennifer Aniston: A gay best friend! Now I have one! I'm not sure how I made it this long in New York without one!
[they do GAY things like eat ICE CREAM and watch OLD MOVIES]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh shit, I'm pregnant. Don't tell anyone, especially my boyfriend.
Paul Rudd: But what if I go out for coffee with him, like normal gay guys do with the boyfriends of their roommates?
Jennifer Aniston: In the unlikely event that that happens, still don't tell him.
[he DOES do that, but he DOES NOT tell him]
Allison Janney: Hello! Your sister and her husband are here and we're rich!
Alan Alda: And we're ready to hang out!
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: And I am also dropping by!
Jennifer Aniston: So many people! Let me get a fan!
Paul Rudd: You shouldn't be carrying a fan in your condition!
Cousin Ira: "Your condition?" What could that possibly mean?
Allison Janney: It means she's pregnant, you idiot.
Cousin Ira: Woooooooooo! I'm gonna marry you!
Jennifer Aniston: No! I'm not sure why I was even dating you in the first place! Get lost! Forever!
[everyone is CONFUSED]
Paul Rudd: Come on, pregnant lady. Let's go sort out your feelings on a roller coaster.
Jennifer Aniston: This roller coaster sure is helping my morning sickness! Also, I want you to raise this baby with me, like you were its dad.
Paul Rudd: Uh, that is a terrible idea.
[he sees a FATHER and SON and changes his mind about MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS based on a game of CATCH]
Paul Rudd: Okay, I will raise your bastard child with you.
[they GAY around some more]
Jennifer Aniston: Tell me more about your sexual history, since gays and ladies like to dish. Who'd you lose your virginity to?
Paul Rudd: Lisa Jane Parnell.
Jennifer Aniston: A woman!! So there IS hope!!
[she tries to MAKE OUT with him, which is the SECOND WORST IDEA EVER]
Paul Rudd: THANK GOD THE PHONE IS RINGING GET YOUR BOOBIES OFF ME
Tim Daly: I miss you.
Paul Rudd: Oh. Hello, old boyfriend. You hurt me, but I will go away with you for the weekend, because that is a rational thing that people do.
[he DOES, and shares a LAUGH with another GAY when his EX is talking BOMBASTICALLY about PERFORMANCE ART]
Baby Gay: That sure was funny when that guy talked about theater. So gay! Ha ha!
Paul Rudd: We are so gay together! I forgot how much fun it is to be gay sometimes after hanging out with that pregnant lady so much.
[meanwhile, at Allison Janney's SUMPTUOUS MANSION]
Allison Janney: I don't like how you're in love with that gay. That's stupid.
Jennifer Aniston: You're crazy! I'm not in love with him! I totally did not try to make out with him at all. I am not delusional, not in the least.
[he CALLS]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god, I miss you so much because I love you...the way straight ladies are supposed to love gays. You know, I love you like we both love shopping. Please, let's go back to Brooklyn.
Paul Rudd: Though this baby gay I just met has lovely blowjob lips, I will return to you, as I am a gay of my word.
[they both go HOME, but she gets MUGGED and a NICE POLICEMAN gives her a RIDE and LOOKS at her with CARING in his EYES]
Nice Policeman: She's pretty, but it looks like she is in a relationship with that gay-looking man. Oh well.
[they have THANKSGIVING]
Baby Gay's Old Dude Friend: Just FYI, Jennifer Aniston: you have an all-gay Thanksgiving dinner. So what's gonna happen when all those gays go away? You're just going to be a sad old fag hag with no one to love you. Ya burnt.
Jennifer Aniston: Thanks, old gay. I have come to my senses.
[literally the NEXT SCENE]
Jennifer Aniston: Well, delivering a baby was hard, but she's here now! And I am somehow okay with Cousin Ira being back in the picture.
Cousin Ira: I'm a joint custodial dad! Woooooo!
Jennifer Aniston: But you should probably move out, Paul Rudd. I'm done with being a fag hag, because that is The Worst.
[eight years LATER]
Paul Rudd: I directed a play with the baby, who is now eight, in it!
Jennifer Aniston: I'm so glad you're in my life, but that I'm not in love with you anymore, and instead am in love with that nice policeman from before.
Baby: I have so many caring adults in my life! Having gays around is great, but being in love with them is not!