Ultra-Condensed Movies

Guest Post: Titanic

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:20:00 +0000

First of all: I hated this movie from the moment I saw it. I'd like to say it was my keenly-honed sense of What Is Bad Dialogue at the age of 16, but in reality, it was probably a reaction to the hype surrounding it - the "If everyone else likes this, then it is not worth liking" reaction that I also had to Green Day when Dookie came out (who I now realize are actually pretty good) and UGG boots my freshman year of college (which I still hate). In any event, my fiery hatred of this movie (Kate Winslet notwithstanding, because I would gay-marry her in the states that allow it) means that I have not seen it one million times, and it is much easier to write one of these things for something you have seen one million times. Has Laura McClain seen this one million times? Maybe. But she has certainly captured its essence in what is one of our longer UCMs to date. We hope you enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is the LATE 90s]
Bill Paxton-not-Pullman: I’m so excited to dig amongst the ruins of the Titanic! The treasures we will find!
[he PILOTS a baby SUBMARINE and DIGS through WRECKAGE with CLAW HANDS]
Bill Paxton: A trunk! This is where the diamond will be.
[there is no DIAMOND, just some MUD]
Science Worker: Look what I found while cleaning the wreckage.
[he HOLDS us a CHARCOAL drawing of a NAKED CHICK which is PRESERVED, against ALL LOGIC]
BPax: Whaaaaa? This naked chick is wearing the cheesy diamond!
[meanwhile, in the HOME of SOMEONE who has CLEARLY led a RICH and FULFILLING life]
News Report: People are still grave-robbing the Titanic. Check out the cans on this tragic shipwreck victim.
Very Old Woman: Haaaaand me the phooooone.
[she CALLS Bill Paxton, SOMEHOW]
VOW: The woman in the picture is meeeee.*
[she TRAVELS to BPax’s BOAT and GOES down to the WRECKAGE]
VOW: Even though nobody aaaasked, I will tell you my traaaagic tale. They called Titanic the ship of dreaaaaams. And it waaaas. It reaaaally was…*
[we are TRANSPORTED to the PAST via the MAGIC of a PAN FLUTE]
Kate Winslet: Pish. This ship is nowhere near as impressive as my giant hat.
Billy Zane: Ha ha! Silly Rose! This ship rules!
[they BOARD the SHIP whilst MISTREATING those of a LOWER social standing]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Fellas, me and my comically Italian friend here are gonna beat your asses in this here poker game.
Random Roughneck: Care to make it more interesting?
[he LAYS down Titanic TICKETS]
Leo: Flush. Or straight, or whatever. I win!
Porter: All aboard!
Leo: Ya-hoo!
[the SHIP pulls AWAY from the DOCK with like, RIDICULOUS DRAMA]
Audience: Dial it back, Cameron, we all took fourth-grade history.
Kate: Yawn. I guess my gilded stateroom is nice and all, but UGH. So bored.
[she UNPACKS a bunch of Monet and Picasso PAINTINGS for no REAL reason but to show that she is WAY DEEP]
Leo: I am so grateful for my pitiful metal bunk in steerage! I will scream out my joy for my good fortune but balancing precariously on the bow of the ship!
[he YELLS a CATCHPHRASE and “WOOS” a LOT like a TEEN on TRL]
[MEANWHILE, in FIRST CLASS…]
Kathy Bates: Hey there, young lady! I am Molly Brown. Some may even call me unsinkable! Wink wink.
Kate’s Mom: New money.*
[they all EAT lunch and the ship owner BRAGS about SIZE and Kate MAKES a SASSY Freud JOKE which AMUSES Victor Garbor, the ship designer]
Zane: We’ll just have to control what she reads from now on.
[he does not TWIRL a MUSTACHE, but he MIGHT as WELL]
Leo: I will sketch these hardworking people on the ship deck. Dreamboat!
[he SEES Kate and is like, WHOA]
Kate: I can’t take this anymore! These fancy parties and these beautiful gowns and that dickface I have to marry! Weeeep!
[she RUNS to the BACK of the SHIP and DANGLES over it]
Leo: Don’t do it! We’re in the North Atlantic. That water is hella cold.
Kate: Your words have soothed me, vagrant. I will let you pull me to safety.
[she SLIPS on her AMAZING dress and ALMOST dies and it is SUSPENSEFUL]
Zane: You filth! How dare you touch my property!
Kate: No, he saved me. I was leaning over to look at the propellers.
Zane: You women. So stupid. Come to dinner with us, young ruffian. I’d like to insincerely thank you for saving my fiancée while looking like a big shot when I make fun of your hayseed ways.
Kate: Thanks again for saving me. The inertia of my life was just too intense.
Leo: No biggie. Look at my sketches of French prostitutes.
[they BOND over ART]
Kate: Oh, why can’t I be poor and free, like you? I want to ride horses in the surf and spit.
[they have a SPITTING LESSON and it is GROSS]
Kate’s Mom: So you’re the peasant who saved my precious daughter. See you at dinner.
Kathy Bates: Come, you dashing young rogue. I’ll let you borrow my son’s implausibly well-fitting tuxedo.
[he GOES to DINNER and CHARMS the PANTS off all the RICHIE RICHES]
Leo: So, you want to go to a real party?*
[they go into STEERAGE and have fun, ETHNIC times, while Zane’s MANSERVANT looks on MENACINGLY]
Zane: I can’t believe you. Cavorting with a hobo like that!
[he FLIPS a TABLE to SHOW he MEANS business]
Kate’s Mom: I don’t want you seeing that vagabond again!
[she YANKS on Kate’s CORSET strings to show that she, too, MEANS business]
Kate: I HATE YOU ALL.
Leo: Hey! It’s you! What’s up?
Kate: I can never see you again. This burgeoning romance is just waaaay too clichéd.
Leo: Blerg.
Kate: Forget it. I changed my mind. Your bangs are too floppy to resist.
[they KISS on the BOW of the SHIP and it looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
[MEANWHILE, lest you FORGET where we ARE…]
Ship Owner: Faster! I want the world to marvel at both size and speed. That’s what she said!
Captain: But sir, I…
Ship Owner: Silence!
[IMMIGRANTS shovel more COAL into the ENGINES]
Kate: Welcome to my stateroom. Look at this honking diamond my lame fiancé gave me.
Leo: Sweet.
Kate: I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY THIS.*
Leo: SWEET.
[she DISROBES and he DRAWS her BOOBIES]
VOW: It waaaas the mooooost eroooootic moooment of my liiiiife.*
Everyone on BPax’s Ship: Yikes.
Kate: Let’s go for a walk - gah!
[the MANSERVANT starts to PURSUE them and they RUN AWAY for SOME REASON instead of ACTING like ADULTS]
Manservant: The joke is on them. I put the giant diamond in the poor boy’s coat. Mwah ha ha.
Leo: Ha ha! We got away. And look at this cool car down in steerage.
Kate: Put your hands on me.*
[they have EXCESSIVELY SWEATY sex]
Kate: I’m running away with you! Let’s make out!
Guy in Crow’s Nest: Aww. Look at ‘em! Kissin’ on th’ deck!
Other Guy: Awwwwwww.
[they DO not NOTICE a HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG]
Ship: Slam!!!
First Class Passengers: What the what? How dast you disturb my moneyed slumber!
Ship Owner: But this ship is unsinkable! At least that’s what our ads say…
Victor Garber: You fool! Titanic will flounder.*
Leo: Wow, look at all this ice. I think the ship might be in tro-
Zane: Thief! He stole my priceless necklace!
[the ship cops DRAG him AWAY because catching a PETTY THIEF is really IMPORTANT right now]
Kate: Could he have done it? I am so conflicted!
[MEANWHILE, the GUYS in the ENGINE ROOM are DROWNING in ICY water]
Porters: Now, just stay there, unwashed steerage passengers. We’re keeping you locked below deck. For your own safety.
Rich Passengers: My life jacket looks smashing with this tuxedo! Bring me another brandy!
[a MILD panic STARTS, but EVERYONE is still in the DARK/DENIAL]
String Quartet: Let’s play jaunty tunes on the deck, to keep people calm.
Ship: I am tipping over.
Kate: I must find Leo! I won’t get in this lifeboat. GOODBYE, MOTHER.*
[she RUNS below DECK and FINDS him HANDCUFFED to a POLE]
Kate: I will axe you free!
[she DOES, but now they are BELOW deck where SHIT is GOING DOWN, namely the SHIP]
Leo: Run!
Kate: Swim!
[they OVERCOME many CGI WATER-BASED obstacles and EVENTUALLY make it ABOVE deck]
Zane: There you are. Get in this lifeboat. I will get in a different lifeboat with your boyfriend here. Why WOULDN’T you trust me?
Kate: I will reluctantly agree.
[some FLARES explode, ILLUMINATING Leo’s Tiger Beat FACE]
Kate: NOOOO!
[she LEAPS out of the BOAT and into the BIGGER, DOOMED boat]
Leo: You idiot! I love you!
[Zane MAKES a POUTY face and then PURSES them with a GUN, because the INHERENT drama of one of the WORST maritime disasters in HISTORY is not ENOUGH]
Kate: Damn it! Guess we have to run/swim/narrowly escape death again.
[MEANWHILE, touching things HAPPEN, like an old couple LAYING in a BED and the CAPTAIN getting DROWNED to DEATH]
Leo: We implausibly made it back up to the top!
Ship: I am tipping more! Slide down my wooden deck!
Kathy Bates: [from a lifeboat] God almighty.*
[she WATCHES the SHIP from a DISTANCE and for all my SNARKING it is a pretty REMARKABLE/CHILLING sight]
Leo: Run to the top of the ship! Somehow I know exactly what to do in the rare event that an enormous ocean liner sinks!
Kate: This is where we first met.*
Audience: Awwww.
Ship: See ya.
[the SHIP sinks and it is TERRIFYING]
Leo: Swim, Rose! I found a door for you to lay on. Let’s discuss our relationship while I freeze to death.
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME passes and SERIOUSLY everyone is DEAD]
Kate: There’s a boat, Jack! It came back for us! Jack? Ohhhh shit.
Me, as a 15-Year Old: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Kate: I’ll never let go!
[she LETS go and WHISTLES her way to SALVATION]
VOW: So that’s my tragic tale. Only took three hours to tell!
BPax: Yeah, nice yarn, grams. So….do you have the diamond?
VOW: [Smiles MYSTERIOUSLY]
[later that NIGHT]
VOW: I will drop this priceless diamond into the ocean for absolutely no reason.
[she DIES and her HEAVEN is the Titanic and she and Leo KISS to a SLOW CLAP from all the PASSENGERS and it is SWEET but also kind of CREEPY]

Oscar Shorts: Instead of Abracadabra (Sweden)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 12:30:00 +0000

[it is SWEDEN]
Dad: Tomas! Give me a machete! I know you have one in your magic kit, you slob!
Tomas: God, dad, don't bother me! I'm trying to become an amazing magician! All while being a less-annoying, Swedish version of Napoleon Dynamite, except I'm like 25! CHIMAY!!! That is my magic word.
[he is CLEARLY NOT a very good magician]
Tomas: Ooh, who is that hot hottie moving in next door? With a kid, but still: hottttttt.
Dad: Are you guys ready for my birthday party on Friday? We're going to have karaoke.
Tomas: But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad I want to do maaaaaaaaaaaagic! Look, let me show you how good I am at it. CHIMAY!!
[he accidentally STABS his mother]
Tomas: Oh. Shit.
[they go to the HOSPITAL and the HOT NEIGHBOR is a NURSE there and the mom is FINE]
Tomas: So...I live next door. And I do magic. You know, Gothic mystery and mayhem.*
Hot Neighbor: Um...okay. Do you do kids' parties? My son's birthday is tomorrow.
Tomas: Hell yeah I do kids' parties!!
[he does a TRICK where it looks like he blows up a HAMSTER but the hamster is OKAY]
Hot Neighbor: So, when can I see another of your shows?
Tomas: OMG OMG OMG DAD YOU NEED TO LET ME DO SOME MAGIC AT YOUR PARTY BECAUSE I NEED TO GET WITH THIS HOT NEIGHBOR.
Dad: Do you promise not to stab your mom again?
Tomas: Um...yes.
[he calls his STUNTMAN FRIEND to help him and puts him in the AUDIENCE as a PLANT]
Tomas: You, sir, why don't you come and get inside the magic cube!
Stuntmant Friend: Why, I shall!
[he gets STABBED and is BLEEDING literally EVERYWHERE and like DIES]
Audience: [stunned SILENCE]
Tomas: Um...anyone need a light?
Stuntman Friend: I do! I'm not dead!
Everyone: Yay!
Hot Neighbor: Yay!
[he POKES her in the EYE with magic FLOWERS]

Oscar Shorts: The Door (Ireland)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 12:30:00 +0000

[it is an UNIDENTIFIED SNOWY PLACE]
Man: I have to get into that abandoned building! I have to steal that door!
[he RUNS AROUND for a while and is CHASED by people with FLASHLIGHTS]
Man: I got it! Now I will take it home on my motorcycle. But first, here's a flashback.
[it is SOMEWHAT EARLIER]
Voice on Radio: Russian russian russian Chernobyl russian.
Man: We have to leave.
Adorable Daughter: But what about our cat?
Man: We have to leave him, for he will not fit in our suitcase.
Voice on Radio: Do not bring anything along!
[the people SMUGGLE things that end up being RADIOACTIVE]
Adorable Daughter: My arm hurts.
[she has a LESION and everyone is like OH SHIT]
Wife: It would be better for her to die than for her to suffer like this!
[she DOES die, and it is SAD]
Man: Then I stole the door from our apartment so we could lay her out on it.
[they walk through the SNOW in a SOMBER manner]

Oscar Shorts: Miracle Fish (Australia)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 12:30:00 +0000

[it is AUSTRALIA]
Mom: Okay, sweetheart, have fun at school, I'm going to see your dad in the hospital, and I smoke, so maybe that means I'm a bad mom? Oh, and sorry we're poor. Oh, and happy birthday.
Little Boy: Sigh.
[he is MOCKED by his CLASSMATES and given the FINGER]
Bully: You only got that stupid fish thing that curls in your hand for your birthday? You suck! You're poor!!!
Little Boy: :(
[he goes to the SICK BAY and takes a NAP, and when he AWAKES, everyone is GONE]
Little Boy: Yeah!! They were abducted by aliens!! Wooooo!
[he RUNS AROUND and eats ALL the candy in the TUCK SHOP]
Little Boy: I'm not even gonna leave school, this is great!
[you see a SMALL BLOODY HANDPRINT and it is like SERIOUSLY TERRIFYING]
Cell phone: Ring ring!
Little Boy: Hello?
Man on Phone: Hello, boy. You need to find someplace to hide, okay?
[a CRAZY MAN appears holding a RIFLE]
Crazy Man: You can't make a dollar out of 65 cents!!!*
Little Boy: Here, hold my magic red fish.
[the FISH does not MOVE]
Little Boy: That means "dead one."
[a SNIPER takes the crazy man OUT right in front of the BOY]

Oscar Shorts: The New Tenants (Denmark)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 12:30:00 +0000

[it is NEW YORK]
David Rakoff: ...and there are people dying EVERYWHERE and YOU are asking me not to SMOKE while you're EATING? Fuck you.
David Rakoff's Boyfriend: You're so dramatic.
[there is a KNOCK at the door]
Old Lady: I need flour! Give me some flour!! I'm making cinnamon buns for my granddaughter!
David Rakoff: Um, we just moved in? So we don't have any?
Old Lady: I hope you got a break on the rent, considering the triple homicide that happened here.
David Rakoff and his BF: Bwaaaaaaa?
DR's BF: Well, anyway, I found some flour. Here you go.
[he hands her a ZIPLOC BAG]
Me: That has to be cocaine.
My Mom: Duh.
[there is ANOTHER KNOCK at the door]
Vincent D'Onofrio: You fucked my wife!! She is the aforementioned granddaughter of the old lady!
[he ATTACKS them with a TIRE IRON and is generally SCARY but also SAD]
David Rakoff: Um, no, we are gay. I think that was the last guy who lived here, Jerry.
[there is ANOTHER FUCKING KNOCK and Vincent D'Onofrio gets SHOT]
Kevin Corrigan: Where the fuck is my heroin? It looks like flour!
David Rakoff and his BF: Shiiiiiiiiit.
Old Lady: You killed my granddaughter!! That wasn't flour!!
Kevin Corrigan: I'ma shoot everyone!!
[before he can, the GRANDDAUGHTER, who is on some SERIOUS heroin, hits him with the TIRE IRON and then DIES]
David Rakoff: Cigarette?
[they DANCE in the STREET]

Oscar Shorts: Kavi (India)

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:30:00 +0000

[it is INDIA]
Kavi: Shit, working as a slave in a brick-making slave colony, like, REALLY sucks. I wish I could play cricket with those rich kids.
Kavi's Dad and Mom: Sorry we're poor. Let's pretend we have a farm in this flower pot to escape our horrible life.
Boss of Brick-Making Slave Colony: Aren't you my fastest worker, Kavi? Can I bribe you with the promise of cricket?
Kavi: Okay!
[he moves like A MILLION bricks, though he is like a TINY CHILD]
Kavi: My hands! Ow!
Some Dudes Who Are Trying to Help the Slaves: Here, have some soda. We are nice.
Kavi: But I am afraid!
[the MEAN BOSS locks him with SHACKLES and HIDES the rest of the SLAVES]
Slave-Helping Guys: Show us where your slaves are!
Mean Boss: I have no slaves!
Kavi: I must remove my shackles!!!
[he PULLS the shackle off his HAND and it is AWFUL and BLOODY]
Me and My Mom: Why didn't he throw a cricket ball at them? Oh well.
Slave-Helping Guys: Come with us, we will free you, though you know no other world than this.
Kavi: Okay, but first I will walk on the wet bricks and fuck them up! Ha ha! A tiny amount of retribution!

Oscar Shorts

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:54:00 +0000

Guys! I do not have time to see all the Best Picture nominees by next weekend. I just don't. Some of them are really long!

But guess what! Short films are great too! Sometimes, they are even better than their big-papa counterparts. And the best thing is that you can see all of them in 57% of the time it would take you to see Avatar.

I saw all five nominated live-action short films, so I'll be bringing them to you all next week. I know you're probably like "duh, how condensed can you MAKE a short film?" but I think it will work! Let's find out...together.

Guest Post: Dangerous Liaisons

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:51:00 +0000

I did the teen sensation version of this a while back, but Laura McClain has brought us the original. Also, don't forget about the other version of this story, which apparently takes place in a topsy-turvy world where Colin Firth and John Malkovich can somehow play the same role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is FRANCE, in RESTORATION TIMES, where NOBODY has an ACCENT]
Glenn Close: Come, servants. Powder and bustle me.
[she is CORSETED and PLUMED]
John Malkovich: Yeah, me too. Fop me up.
[they GAZE at each other with SEXUAL MISCHIEF in their EYES]
Glenn Close: Ah, Valmont. Playing endless games of whist and posing on chaise lounges can be ever so dull. What say we ruin some lives today?
John Malkovich: You read my mind, my wicked friend slash former lover.
Glenn Close: Another one of former lovers is going to marry a stupid teenage virgin. Pop that cherry, would you? He shall be ever so pissed.
John Malkovich: I refuse, not because I am gay, as you might assume from the way I walk, talk and behave, but because that conquest is too easy for a man of my sexiness.
Audience: Ew.
[Uma Thurman PAYS a VISIT with her mom, SWOOZIE KURTZ]
John Malkovich: That’s her? Sold. But I’m also planning to hit this soldier’s wife who prides herself on her faithfulness. Seducing her shall be my masterpiece.
Glenn Close: Care to make it interesting? If you succeed, you can have sex with me, too, as a reward.
[she DOES not SAY “you can put it anywhere” but it is STRONGLY IMPLIED]
John Malkovich: Hurrah. Let the games begin.
[it is WEIRD, for though they are GOOD ACTORS, you don’t REALLY want to see them have SEXYTIMES]
Glenn Close: Ah, the opera. The perfect place to see and be seen. Hello, Uma Thurman. Let’s be best friends, shall we? I have no ulterior motives.
Uma Thurman: Hooray! Friends!
[Keanu Reeves ENTERS and it is REMINISCENT of when Bill and Ted TRAVELED to medieval times and PRETENDED to be KNIGHTS]
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Glenn Close: Perhaps this young music teacher could instruct your daughter, Swoozie? I’m taking a normal amount of interest in your family. Nothing suspicious here!
[Keanu and Uma GAZE at each OTHER in an OBVIOUS MANNER]
[MEANWHILE, in the COUNTY…]
John Malkovich: Hello, virtuous woman. How very droll that we are staying at the same country house. Ha ha!
Michelle Pfeiffer: Dude, I already know all about your reputation. Also, you look like a serial killer.
John Malkovich: Blast! This shall prove a difficult game to play. While I plan my next strategic move, I’ll bone the virgin, who has conveniently come to visit.
Glenn Close: Use her love for Keanu to seduce her.
[Malkovich CONVINCES poor, DUMB Uma to GIVE him the KEY to her ROOM and then BASICALLY RAPES her]
Uma Thurman: It’s okay that you forced me to have sex with you, because you’re super good at it! And now I am too!
[she WRITHES AROUND]
John Malkovich: Hello, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah, I see you’re doing charity work! I also love charity work. And praying. Praying is the best.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am falling for this, for some reason.
John Malkovich: So, now that I’ve convinced you that I am a kind man, I must tell you that I LOVE YOU AND I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU AND I LOVE YOU.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Gah! No! You must not! I am struggling with so many feelings! Go away! Come back! No, go! No, have sex with me!
John Malkovich: I have her right where I want her. But wait! What is this….feeling? It’s not angry, or even hungry.** I must flee!
Glenn Close: You love her. Ohhhhhh, this shall not stand.
[they have an ACTING FIGHT about PASSION and it is SEMI-HOT but MOSTLY GROSS]
Glenn Close: I shall take a lover to spite him.
Keanu Reeves: WHOA.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I submit. Let’s have sex whilst I weep copiously, basically making this Rape #2.
[they DO it and it is NOT ROMANTIC]
Glenn Close: I can’t believe you love this woman. You’ve gone soft, Valmont! Your reputation will be destroyed!
John Malkovich: Nooo! Without my reputation and my wigs I am nothing!
[he GIVES Michelle Pfeiffer the BRUSH-OFF, though he LOVES her]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [GOES BALLISTIC]
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am dying of grief. Literally.
[doctors put HOT CUPS on her BACK to CURE her of her MALKOVICH LOVE]
Keanu Reeves: Malkovich! I heard that you balled Uma! This shall not stand!
[they have a REALLY LONG swordfight, and Keanu STABS him GOOD]
John Malkovich: Come closer, Keanu. While I slowly bleed to death, I shall give you this speech about love. Tell Michelle Pfeiffer that my time with her was the only happy time I ever had. But more importantly, call out Glenn Close to society for being a mega-bitch.
Keanu Reeves: Okay.
[he DIES, his head LOLLING to the SIDE in a REALISTIC MANNER]
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I will break everything in my house! I guess I loved him after all!
[at the OPERA, where SOCIETY GATHERS]
All of Society, Upon Seeing Glenn Close: Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOO!*
[Glenn Close GOES home and TAKES her MAKEUP off and it is COOL]

**copyright GOB Bluth

The Invention of Lying

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:00:00 +0000

[it is a WORLD where NO ONE LIES]
Ricky Gervais: Look, I know this is really high-concept and implausible, but just go with us on this, okay? No one lies. And more than that, they don't even lie by omission, so that everyone is constantly telling everyone else exactly what they're feeling or thinking at the moment they think or feel it.
Jennifer Garner: I just masturbated.
Ricky Gervais: Now I am horny.
Martin Starr: Hi, I'm in this movie.
Jennifer Garner: I am not attracted to you. Bye.
Ricky Gervais: Now I am sad.
Rob Lowe: You're terrible at your job. I am good at it, and also handsome.
Tina Fey: I hate you. You would think that all these rad people being blunt would be funnier, but it's only sort of funny.
[Ricky Gervais gets FIRED from his job as a WRITER, which is kind of a BORING JOB because REMEMBER if people can't LIE, there is no such thing as FICTION]
Ricky Gervais: Well, now I need money. I guess I'll go close my bank account.
[his BRAIN has an EXPLOSION and he figures out how to LIE so he can get MONEY]
Ricky Gervais: My name is Doug.
Louis CK: Cool, Doug.
Philip Seymour Hoffman: I am also in this movie.
[there is an AMUSING scene with the THREE of them because they are ALL FUNNY]
Ricky Gervais: I can use this newfound power to get sex with beautiful women! You! Sleep with me! Or the world will end!
That One DA from Law and Order: Okay! I am also in this movie!
Ricky Gervais: Oh, wait, I am a nice guy, so I can't. But I can make up stories!
[there is a MONTAGE of him doing NICE THINGS and getting his JOB BACK]
His Mom: I am dying and scared to die!
Ricky Gervais: Ummmmm...it's really great after you die! And everyone you love is there! And everyone gets mansions!!
Me: [slight weeping]
Jason Bateman: TELL US MORE ABOUT THE MANSIONS. Also, I am in this movie.
[the whole world goes CRAZY because they want to know about the AFTERLIFE MANSIONS]
Ricky Gervais: Aaaaaaahhhhhh you guys I, uh, I'm gonna write this stuff down on some pizza boxes.
[he HOLDS them like MOSES]
Audience: Oh. It's about religion. Huh.
Jennifer Garner: I love you, but I don't want fat little snub-nosed kids.
Ricky Gervais: Are you sure?
Jennifer Garner: No.
[they get MARRIED and they have a KID who can LIE but only for SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE REASONS]

Obsessed

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:56:00 +0000

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Beyonce: Baby, I'm so glad you work at a poorly-defined Corporate Job that allows us to buy this big new house!! Our family is going to be so happy, and also very attractive, here.
Idris Elba: It's true...you are gorgeous, even with that weird reddish weave, and I am extremely handsome. Look at our child! So adorable! Let's go fool around upstairs.
Beyonce: But what about our kid? Oh, he'll be fine in the stroller, as long as he doesn't accidentally walk over to the glass table that is under the huge wrought-iron chandelier.
Me: If that chandelier doesn't fall into that table by the end of this film, I will be upset.
[they TEST OUT their new CEILING MIRRORS by BONING on the FLOOR]
Idris Elba: Well, back to work at Random Company!
Jerry O'Connell: Dude! We're friends! We work together! Duuuuude!
Ali Larter: Hi. Do people have conversations in elevators?
Idris Elba: No. Not with strangers.
Ali Larter: I didn't think so. But we're having one anyway! How convenient. I'm working at your company as a temp. See you around...............
[she looks at him FLIRTATIOUSLY]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude you should hiiiiiit thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Idris Elba: She is beautiful, but HELLO I AM MARRIED TO BEYONCE WHO IS LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER. I mean, come on.
[he goes home and BONES her just to PROVE a POINT]
Beyonce: Well, have fun at the office Christmas party without me. I'll just be here with our child, who is apparently the only person I talk to besides you. I do want to go back to school though!!
Idris Elba: I support you, because I am a good husband.
Ali Larter: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii again. It's so WEIRD how we ran into each other at this bar, isn't it? Oh my god, so weird! Let's hang out before the Christmas party.
[she basically FUCKS him with her EYES]
Idris Elba: Ummmmm...this is making me uncomfortable.
[they go to the PARTY and get DRUNKER and she SHOVES him into a BATHROOM STALL]
Idris Elba: Stop trying to undress me! How did you even manage to shove me in this stall? You weigh like 100 pounds. Are you a robot?
Ali Larter: Maybe I'm your SEX ROBOT!!!!
[she continues to MAUL him]
Idris Elba: God, get off me!
[he runs to the PARKING GARAGE, but she is THERE in her UNDERWEAR]
Idris Elba: I wonder if I should tell my wife about this. It's kind of funny when you think about it...nah, I'll just let it lie. It's probably not a big deal.
Ali Larter: I quit my job so we can be together!
Idris Elba: Um...what?
Ali Larter: Also I followed you to a retreat and drugged you!
Idris Elba: Um...whaashs irufhweriuf...
[he PASSES OUT]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude I bet that chick is hotttttt in b--
Idris Elba: NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND HER I SWEAR.
Ali Larter: What?! No!!! My heart is broken!!
[she tries to OFF HERSELF with PILLS in his BED and he calls 911 because he is a DECENT HUMAN]
Beyonce: What the fuck? Who the fuck is this? What is going on?
Christine Lahti: Apparently this woman was naked in your husband's hotel room.
Beyonce: No! NO! You - no. This is - no. I'm out. I'm OUT.
[she is like REALLY PISSED]
Idris Elba: Nothing happened!!!
Christine Lahti: Look, guy, I don't care if you're boning this chick or not, but she is crazy. But she has conveniently gone to San Francisco, so now you're safe. California is a pretty big state.
Idris Elba: Phew. But my wife already kicked me out of the house!
Beyonce: Well...I think after a montage of us living separately, we can get back together.
[meanwhile, in their SWEET MANSION]
Babysitter: Um, who are you?
Ali Larter: I'm Mrs. Charles' friend! I'll just call her to make sure it's okay for me to be here. Look, I'm dialing her, and talking to her on the phone, even though you can't hear her. It's totally her. Do you need to talk to her?
Babysitter: No, I don't want to call your bluff. It was a pretty good bluff.
[Ali Larter STEALS their BABY because the babysitter is a DUMB TEEN who is TEXTING and not watching the BABY]
Beyonce: MY CHILD!!!!
[they run around FRANTICALLY for like 2 minutes and then the BABY ends up being in their CAR with a LIPSTICK KISS on his little head]
Beyonce: I can NOT belive she touched my CHILD. [on phone] Look, bitch, you know who this is, and I know you're crazy, but if you come near my family again, I'll SHOW YOU CRAZY.*
Idris Elba: Damn, my wife is fine.
Ali Larter: Oh hiiiii gay assistant of Idris Elba. It's been so long since we talked! I just needed some information.
Gay Assistant: Oh hey! Here is all the information you need about the trip that they are going on. Oops! I helped a stalker. Dang.
[Ali Larter BREAKS IN after Beyonce LEAVES and puts on an OLD FOOTBALL JERSEY and WRITHES AROUND a lot]
Beyonce: Oops, I forgot to set the alarm...and there's someone in my house.
Ali Larter: Oh, hey - your husband is divorcing you. That's why I'm wearing his football jersey.
Beyonce: What. Did I tell you. About staying away. From my family. Oh. Hell. No.
[they have a HUGE FUCKING FIGHT during which Beyonce keeps her FIERCE BOOTS ON]
Beyonce: Good thing I learned that our attic floor is unstable earlier.
[she LURES Ali Larter over a SOFT SPOT and Ali Larter FALLS THROUGH]
Beyonce: You are insane, and have been trying to kill me, but I cannot let you die.
[she offers her HAND, and Ali Larter tries to PULL HER DOWN TOO]
Beyonce: Nuh uh!!
[she FREES herself, and Ali Larter falls onto the CHANDELIER, which SWINGS AROUND, and then FALLS onto the GLASS TABLE, which SHATTERS, and then the CHANDELIER falls]
Beyonce: That was very satisfying.
Idris Elba: Are you okay? Let's go bone under our ceiling mirrors again.

Sherlock Holmes

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:00:00 +0000

1. This tagline makes no sense.
2. This movie really made very little sense.
3. I still liked it.
4. I kind of wish they had actually made out, because how hot would that have been? Fingers crossed for the sequel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is LONDON in the OLDEN TIMES]
Robert Downey Jr.: Oh, how wry I am! And also how observant!
Jude Law: Oh, how attractive I am! And also how sidekicky!
[they GAZE at each other whilst SOLVING CRIMES]
Rachel McAdams: Ha ha! I shall best you at your own game, Holmes! The game being...trickery!
Robert Downey Jr.: Just a moment, love, we're having a homoerotic staring contest.
[he and Jude Law BASICALLY MAKE OUT with their EYES]
Mark Strong: Did you want to catch me? Or were you too busy eye-snogging and slow-motion punching?
RDJ: Yes, yes, all of that.
[he PUNCHES someone in SLOW MOTION]
Jude Law: Very good, Holmes.
[something EXPLODES]
Mark Strong: You win! But the setup for the sequel is there, so.
RDJ: Elementary.

Mmm, Oscar Nominations

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:20:00 +0000

So they increased the number of Best Picture nominees this year for some reason, making my attempt to see all of them even more difficult than in past years! Here they are, anyway.

'Avatar' - ugh. I mean, that's where we all are, right? Ugh, flying dragon bird things notwithstanding.
'The Blind Side' - didn't see it, not planning on seeing it, could probably write a UCM anyway. Think about some of Sandy's other work in the meantime and marvel at her longevity.
'District 9' - I saw this, really liked it, and must have dreamed that I wrote it up.
'An Education' - the girl from this is very cute. And we do love the Saaaarsgaaaaaaaaard.
'The Hurt Locker' - on my list of things to see. I LOVE that Bigelow also directed this gem.
'Inglourious Basterds' - if we ever get our OnDemand fixed, I'll watch it.
'Precious' - I guess I should see it. Fine. I GIVE IN. Mo'Nique has charmed me with her class and hairy legs.
'A Serious Man' - I do like the Coens, but I haven't seen this one yet.
'Up' - oh. So lovely.
'Up in the Air' - another one I have seen but haven't yet written up. It is very different from this Clooney venture.

Guest Post: Nine

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:02:00 +0000

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]

Avatar

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:00:00 +0000

[it is THE FUTURE]
Sam Worthington: Hey guys. Remember me from that new Terminator? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back, and I've got a slightly better American accent. But only slightly. I'll be doing a fair amount of voiceover, since exposition is hard. Basically, we're in the future, and I'm in cryogenic storage, and I'm going to take over a mission that my late identical twin brother started. He was a scientist, and I'm a soldier.
My Roommate Tina: Wait...is this the movie?
James Cameron: You better BELIEVE this is the movie!! I just had to get all this explaining out of the way first.
Sam Worthington: Right. So one time I dreamt I could fly, which is super-weird, because I'm totally in a wheelchair. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YA?!?!
[he goes to a DISTANT PLANET to be a MERCENARY or something, though he is a CRIPPLE]
Stern Commander: You little maggots aren't going to last long in this hostile atmosphere! You need an air mask here! Here is some more information about it! In a stern tone!!
That One Hot Nerdy Guy from Dodgeball: Oh boy! Science!
Sigourney Weaver: Yes. Science. And more exposition. See, what we've done here is create an avatar, which is a creature that looks like the indigenous people that live on this planet, that has a neural linkup with ourselves. And they're super-expensive. And after that one scientist died, we found out he had an identical twin, so we're gonna just, like, throw him in the avatar. And then we go teach the natives English. Because English rules.
Dodgeball: I can't wait to do some science!
Sam Worthington: My brother was the scientist, not me. I'm a soldier.
Sigourney Weaver: Oh HELLLLL no! Where is that sniveling corporate scumbag who runs this place?
Giovanni Ribisi: Right here, doing a character voice and putting golf balls.
Sigourney Weaver: How DARE you bring in this soldier to my science mission? We are here for science. SCIENCE!!
Giovanni Ribisi: Well, I'm here for this highly-valuable rock: unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: Wait - is that really what it's called?
Giovanni Ribisi: Yes - unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: This is a joke, right, Jim? It's called "unobtainium"? Really?
James Cameron: DO NOT QUESTION MY WAYS. Besides, "MacGuffinium" sounded too obvious.
Sigourney Weaver: Fine, let's just get in the avatars.
[they get in a BOX that has a LINK to the AVATARS, which are like EIGHT FEET TALL and BLUE and BEAUTIFUL]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: OMG I can run you guys!! But I couldn't before!! Because I am paralyzed!!
[he RUNS AROUND and it is COOL]
Blue Cat Dodgeball: We have to do some science! Let's go!
Michelle Rodriguez: Yeah!! I'm gonna fly you to the science place!
[they go into the FOREST, which looks pretty much like an EARTH FOREST, except all the CREATURES are CRAZY COLORS]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: I think I'll just wander over here and look at some possibly-hostile plant life on this unknown planet.
[a HUGE FUCKING CREATURE that is AWESOME chases him through the forest and he gets TOTALLY LOST]
The Rest of the Team: Well, shit. We lost him.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Too bad I'm in this blue cat form. Because I'm super-hot even in real life. I'm still hot as a blue cat, though. Wait a minute! Who is that? I will shoot him with my arrow!
[a BLOSSOM lands on her ARROW so she doesn't SHOOT him because ladies be loving FLOWERS, and then she SAVES him from some CREATURES because she is NOBLE]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Thanks for not shooting me, and also for saving me from the many creatures in this fucking incredible-looking forest. How much did that phosphorescent tree cost?
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Like $20 million. Now, stop bothering me. You are like a baby!*
[he FOLLOWS her to the village through the COOL-ASS COMPUTER FOREST]
Other Blue Cats: Get this Dreamwalker out of our village!!
[they speak in their BLUE CAT LANGUAGE, so there are subtitles in PAPYRUS, one of the WORST FONTS]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: Do I have the best name ever? Yes.** Am I your spiritual leader? Also yes. And do I think this Dreamwalker will be a welcome addition to our tribe? ...maybe. My daughter will teach him our ways. If they fall in love while this is going on...I would not be surprised.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Mo-ooooooooommmm!!
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Looks like you're stuck with me, g'day? I mean - uh - I'm not Australian.
[his AVATAR goes to SLEEP, so he WAKES up in his REAL, BROKEN body]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh good! We have an insider! Now I like you, though you are a soldier and not a scientist.
Stern Commander: I also can use you for my own purposes. Find out information to get those fucking natives away from the unobtainium! I want to blow some shit up! I can get you the use of your legs back. Just saying.
Sam Worthington: I would really like the use of my legs back, so I will act as a double agent.
[he LEARNS the ways of the BLUE CATS, which include riding HORSE ANTEATER things that they CONNECT to via their PONYTAIL NERVE ENDINGS]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Someday, you will be ready to ride one of those crazy dragon bird things. Also, and this is just side information, my grandfather's grandfather once rode the biggest, craziest of all the dragon bird things, in a time of great sorrow. It is very rare. I'm sure it won't happen again anytime soon.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: That's good to know. But let's ride some of those regular crazy dragon bird things around for a while and flirt whilst we do so.
[they DO, and it is GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL and COOL]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You are ready to be initiated into our tribe.
[there is a SURPRISINGLY TAME ceremony]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Let's go to the tree of souls, which cost $50 million. That is where we can listen to our ancestors. Also, we can totally make out there.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Hot.
[they BONE and it is BLUE CAT HOT, but then they almost get RUN OVER by a BULLDOZER]
Giovanni Ribisi: Yeah, bitches! I'm destroying your lives! Woooooo! Corporations!!
All the Blue Cats: Noooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: Look, I know you guys have unobtainium to...uh...obtain...but these are people we're talking about! You can't just run them over!
Giovanni Ribisi: I just did, bitch!!
Sam Worthington: Give me one last chance to convince them to move. I know I've had three months to do this, but I think this extra hour will REALLY seal the deal.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: So, I'm really sorry, but I sort of betrayed all you guys? At first this was just an assignment, but then I learned about you and your way of life, and everything changed and now I feel bad.
All the Blue Cats: Boooooooooo! We hate you now!
[the BAD GUYS blow up their TREEHOUSE and it is actually pretty SAD while also being FUCKING AWESOME]
Michelle Rodriguez: Although I am in the military, I don't like this. I'm turning my future helicopter around, which apparently has no consequences, though I'm disobeying a direct order?
[she ALSO breaks the SCIENCE PEOPLE out of JAIL because she is MORAL or something]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh, good, now we can go back to our forest base!
Stern Commander: Not if I can help it!!
[he BUSTS outside with a HUGE GUN and NO AIR MASK because he is fucking BALLS-OUT PISSED about the SCIENCE PEOPLE doing their SCIENCE]
Sam Worthington: Suck it, Stern Commander! You can't shoot us! We're in a helicopter!
Michelle Rodriguez: Plus, we're going to the Flux Vortex, and their instruments won't work there.
Sigourney Weaver: Really, Jim? Flux Vortex? It's like you're making fun of your own movie.
James Cameron: DID YOU SEE THOSE EXPLOSIONS? No one is gonna care that there is something called the Flux Vortex.
Sigourney Weaver: This is just getting silly. I'm out. Everyone, I've been shot.
Sam Worthington: Shiiiiiiiiit. No one can help us now but the tribe! And the tribe won't trust us unless I do something EPIC. I know! I'll ride that biggest, craziest dragon bird thing!
[he DOES, and it RULES SO HARD]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You have re-earned our trust with your taming of the biggest, craziest dragon bird thing. Now we will listen to you.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Okay, but first can you put Sigourney Weaver's soul in her avatar body for real? I bet that tree can do it.
[they TRY by going to the phosphorescent TREE, but it FAILS because she is TOO INJURED]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Our only option now is to fight. I'm going to band together all the tribes!!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Hottttttt.
[they launch a HUGE ATTACK on the CORPORATION and the MILITARY and it is SUPER FUCKING COOL]
Michelle Rodriguez: Ow! My everything! I got blown up! But I died nobly!
All the Blue Cats: Run away! They are going to defeat us and our simple way of life!
Eywa, the Deity of the Blue Cats: Nuh uh!!
[ALL the CREATURES in the whole FOREST come to their RESCUE, a la CINDERELLA and those MICE, but with WAY MORE AWESOMER CREATURES]
The Corporations and the Military: Now we are the ones being defeated! What? Oh, how the tables have turned!!
Stern Commander: Guys, we can't have this movie end without a final battle, hand-to-hand, between the good guy and the bad guy, can we?
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: No way!
[they FIGHT and it is PRETTY COOL because the Stern Commander is in like a ROBOT SUIT that is SWEET]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Ow! My real body! It's dying because the bad guy poked holes in the box I'm in!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I will save you, for I love you, even though you betrayed our people.
[she NAILS the bad guy with a HUGE ARROW and it's PRETTY AWESOME]
Sam Worthington: I see you.*
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I see you.* Wait, is this weird? That you're human now? And I'm like literally three feet taller than you?
Sam Worthington: It's cool, baby, my human form is dying anyways! Remember earlier when we tried to transplant Sigourney Weaver's soul into her avatar? I bet we could try that again! But this time it will totally work!
[it DOES, and is LUMINESCENT]

**not actually true, as S. Epatha Merkerson technically holds this title. But we can let CCH have her fun.

2009 Year in Review, or: This Blog Has Lasted Longer Than Any of My Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:45:00 +0000

Dang, you guys! I've been writing this blog for a long time! I have not one, but TWO year-in-review posts (the lazy girl's kind). So, here's another one. It's the first line (or lines, if I want) of the first post of each month.

January:

[it is the FABULOUS SIXTIES]

Doris Day: My! I have SUCH a fabulous life here in New York City, with my amazing single gal pad and drunken maid!

February:
[it is the 80s]
Richard Dreyfuss: Oh no. This story in the paper says something about my childhood friend. Ah, memories...

March:
[it is VIRGINA]
Elijah Wood: Look! A heavenly body I don't recognize! What could it be? I will ask my friend, the professor of astronomy in Arizona.

April:
This was actually already published a while back on this blog. But I love it so, and I need you guys to read it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1960s]
Kelly: Give me my money, you bastard!!!

May:
If you're a regular reader of this site, you probably have, in equal measure, an appreciation for and healthy skepticism about big, obviously-commercial HOLLYWOOD MOVIES.

June:
[it is NEW JERSEY]
Michael Cera: I'm sensitive and hairless! I have so many indie rock band posters on my walls that they are actually part of the structural integrity of my home!

July:
[it is THE PAST]
Old-Timey Newsreel: ...and so this explorer guy went to this place in South America with a bunch of dogs in a zeppelin.

August:
I know I piqued your interest many moons ago with this post regarding the FIFTY PACK of movies I got, and then wrote one post on ONE movie of the fifty in the pack, leaving you wanting more and never giving it to you. Tease.

September:
Yo, I don't know what I was doing in September. I suspect I have a good excuse as to why there aren't any posts from that month. What that is excuse is, I don't know. Let's just look at this picture of Taylor Lautner (here's one of Salma Hayek, in case you prefer the ladies).

October:
Most romantic comedies I can deal with. Some are actually cute and inoffensive and make you want to be adorable all day long. Some are maddeningly stupid, but have funny parts and a likable cast and you're like "fine, whatever." But some...some are so cliche-ridden and so offensive to basically every sensibility I have AND also promote horrible, horrible societal expectations (see last line) that the people responsible should be taken out and shot.

November:
[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]

December:
Frequent guest contributor Laura McClain, head of the Weepy Epics Department here at UCM, realized we hadn't had one in a while. Beware: this movie is, like, majorly depressing. But she's made it hilarious! Magical.

A Single Man

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

[it is 1962]
Colin Firth: Every morning I get up. And I do a bunch of things that one does in the morning. And it is all shot very beautifully. But it does not matter, because my partner of 16 years is dead. And I want to die too.
[he goes about his BUSINESS, but in a BEAUTIFUL way]
Colin Firth: Class, let's talk about invisible minorities. This is my way of secretly telling you I am gay.
Full-Lipped Student: I respond to your secretiveness, and your gayness.
[Colin Firth DRIVES past his NEIGHBOR'S house in SLOW-MOTION and pretends to shoot their son]
Jon Hamm (on phone): Hi. This is a flashback to when you found out your lover was killed in a car accident. Since it's 1962, you can't come to the funeral, which seriously sucks. Sorry.
[it is SERIOUSLY HEARTBREAKING because Colin Firth is GOOD at ACTING]
Colin Firth: I guess I'll kill myself.
[he lays his BELONGINGS out in an ORDERLY, BEAUTIFUL manner]
Julianne Moore: Are you coming over? I just spent like 20 minutes doing my eye makeup.
[there is a CLOSEUP of her EYE for like LITERALLY TWO MINUTES which is actually a REALLY LONG TIME to look at an EYE]
Colin Firth: Yes. I 'll bring the gin. I need to be drunk, because I'm going to kill myself.
Hot Latin Man: Sorry. I broke the gin you just bought. Let's share a cigarette and some longing looks.
Colin Firth: Okay, but I am too sad to make out with you, though you are literally a supermodel.
Hot Latin Man: Let us look at this beautiful sky. Notice how the lighting is incredibly gorgeous.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Julianne Moore: You got here! Look how gorgeous my hair is! I'm so brash! Let's dance around and almost bone, but not, because a) you are gay and b) you are sad.
[there is a FLASHBACK of his HOT DEAD LOVER]
Colin Firth: Okay, but I really need to go kill myself now.
[there is a CLOSEUP of a FLASHBACK of an EYE]
Colin Firth: All right, Colin, old chap. Let's take care of this business.
[he TRIES to shoot himself but CANNOT, so he gets into a SLEEPING BAG because he thinks it will be EASIER or something]
Colin Firth: Okay, that's not working. Better go to the bar.
Full-Lipped Student: Hey. I've been stalking you.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Colin Firth: Oh. That's not weird. I hope you think I'm cool.
Full-Lipped Student: Let's go swimming.
[they DO, and it is BEAUTIFULLY MOONLIT, until Colin Firth BANGS his HEAD]
Full-Lipped Student: Oh. You're hurt. I guess we won't bone.
[there is a BLURRY FLASHBACK that is BEAUTIFUL]
Colin Firth: No, not this time, friend. Looks like I'm going to die. I guess that's what I wanted.
[he DIES and it is KIND of SAD but ALSO BEAUTIFUL]

The End of the Affair

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:36:00 +0000

Frequent guest contributor Laura McClain, head of the Weepy Epics Department here at UCM, realized we hadn't had one in a while. Beware: this movie is, like, majorly depressing. But she's made it hilarious! Magical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is POST-WAR LONDON]
Ralph Fiennes Voice-Over: This is a story of pain and hatred. Lock in, kids, it’s going to be a long one.
[he WALKS in the CINEMATICALLY POURING RAIN]
Ralph Fiennes: Why, Henry old chap. Why are you out without an umbrella? You’re sure to catch your death.
Stephen Rea: I thought I would look more miserable soaking wet.
[they GO to a PUB, because they are ENGLISH]
Stephen Rea: I think my wife is having an affair. I’m even thinking about hiring a detective to follow her.
Ralph Fiennes: An affair, eh? Why don’t I go see the detective for you? I’d like to know myself if your wife is having an affair, though I’ve seen neither of you for two years. This is in no way suspicious.
Stephen Rea: That’s…really weird. I think I’m good.
[Ralph Fiennes GOES to see a DETECTIVE anyway]
Ralph Fiennes: I need you to follow my friend’s wife. But don’t tell him that I sent you after her.
The Head of the Agency: Most interesting!*
Ralph Fiennes VO: I remember when I first met her in the war….
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Stephen Rea: Hello there! Welcome to our party, neighbor! This is my wife, Sarah.
Julianne Moore: Hello, attractive stranger.
Ralph Fiennes: I’m writing a novel and I want to use your husband as my inspiration.
Julianne Moore: My husband’s not that inspirational.
[though they MET 30 seconds AGO, they ALMOST MAKE OUT]
Stephen Rea: Why don’t you take my wife to the movies? I need to establish that I am an uninterested husband and give you a chance to be alone. This will accomplish both tasks.
[they GO to a MOVIE and DINNER and EAT ONIONS which PROVES their LOVE]
Julianne Moore: Let’s go back to my house.
Ralph Fiennes: Only if we can fondle each other on a staircase.
[they BONE in a SCENE that MIGHT POSSIBLY be CERTAIN guest contributors' GO-TO LADYPORN]
Stephen Rea: Hey-ho! Sarah! Are you upstairs?
Julianne Moore: [CRIES out in ECSTASY]
Ralph Fiennes: What if he heard?*
Julianne Moore: He wouldn’t recognize the sound.* BURNNNNNN!!
Ralph Fiennes VO: So we started a torrid affair, meeting to ball during the Blitz. History!
[PRESENT DAY]
Nebbish Detective: ‘ello, sir. I’ve been assigned to your case. I’m going to take my son along on this, the 1940’s version of “Cheaters,” because that’s appropriate for a child.
Ralph Fiennes: Cool, dude.
[he GOES to Stephen Rea’s HOUSE to BRAG about the DETECTIVE]
Stephen Rea: What the hell is wrong with you? I told you not to follow my wife.
Ralph Fiennes: Sarah’s home.
Stephen Rea: It’s the maid.
Ralph Fiennes: No, it was Sarah’s step.* That’s romantic, right? Not stalkery?
Julianne Moore: You.*
Ralph Fiennes: BYE.
[he HUFFS OFF]
Julianne Moore: Hey, I know it’s been a while, but do you want to have lunch with me?
Ralph Fiennes: Okay. I guess. Whatever. I ain’t even care.
Julianne Moore: Thanks for meeting me. Oh, one second.
[she COUGHS very DRAMATICALLY]
Audience: Really? They’re showing their hand this early in the movie?
[she TRIES to HOLD his HAND but he is COLD, so she RUNS OFF]
Ralph Fiennes: So many memories….
[he THINKS about their WARTIME TRYSTS, which he always RUINED by being SUPER JEALOUS and POSSESSIVE]
Ralph Fiennes: God, those were good times.
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK
Ralph Fiennes: I love being romantic with you with all these bombs exploding around us...oh shit! I think a bomb exploded my house.
[he GOES DOWNSTAIRS and GETS BLOWN UP]
Ralph Fiennes: Hey, I’m alive. Phew. Sarah?
[he FINDS her on her KNEES]
Ralph Fiennes: I’m okay!
Julianne Moore: I have to go. Forever.
[PRESENT DAY]
Nebbish Detective: So, I stole your friend’s wife’s diary.
Ralph Fiennes: Sweet. I must know why she ended our affair. Good thing she wrote out the events of her life in a literary way appropriate for a voiceover.
[he READS the DIARY and they SWITCH PERSPECTIVES]
Julianne Moore VO: I miss my old lover so much. If only I hadn’t made that promise….
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK
Ralph Fiennes: I love being romantic with you with all these bombs exploding around us….oh shit! I think a bomb exploded my house.
[he GOES DOWNSTAIRS and GETS BLOWN UP]
Julianne Moore: [COMPLETE FREAKOUT]
[she RUNS down the STAIRS and sees his DEAD-LOOKING BODY]
Julianne Moore: Dear God, if you let him live, I promise I’ll give him up forever!
Ralph Fiennes: I’m okay!
Julianne Moore: I have to go. Forever.
Ralph Fiennes: Now I know why she ended the affair! It’s all God’s fault!
[he FOLLOWS her into a CHURCH]
Julianne Moore: I’m super-religious now.
Ralph Fiennes: That’s mumbo-jumbo, Sarah.*
[they BONE (not in the church) then go on VACAY]
Stephen Rea: Hey, you guys. Did you forget about me? The hangdog husband? Sarah, I talked to the doctor. You’re dying.
Julianne Moore: Yeah, I know. Remember when I coughed hackingly like, an hour ago?
Ralph Fiennes: WHAAA?
[they go back to LONDON and CARE for Julianne Moore as she DIES of EXTREME BEAUTY DISEASE]
Julianne Moore: I love you so much, though we have literally had not one moment of happiness together. Seriously, did either one of us smile this entire movie?
[she DIES and her HUSBAND and LOVER share a MAN-HUG of DESPAIR]
Ralph Fiennes: So, that’s my story of hate. Cause I hate you, God, for taking her away. My jealously truly knows no bounds.
Audience: Yiiiiikes. Let’s go get pie.

In Bruges

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:45:00 +0000

[it is, unsurprisingly, BRUGES]
Colin Farrell: What the fuck are we doing in fuckin' Bruges? This is a fuckin' podunk town! Let's go do some more contract killings, like we do!
Brendan Gleeson: Harry said to cool it here for a few days in this charming B&B run by an extremely pregnant and lovely woman. Let's have some fun, see some sights, eh?
[they take a BOAT RIDE and Colin Farrell is like PISSED while Brendan Gleeson GAZES at things in a CHILDLIKE MANNER]
Colin Farrell: I don't want to hang out here anymore! Everything I see keeps giving me memories!
[he remembers KILLING a PRIEST and accidentally a LITTLE BOY and it is REALLY SAD ACTUALLY]
Colin Farrell: My guilt!! Waaaaaah!!
[he meets a HOT GIRL and gets her NUMBER and also befriends a DWARF that is not Peter Dinklage on a MOVIE SET]
Colin Farrell: Okay, maybe we can hang out here a little while longer. I have a date tonight!
Brendan Gleeson: We're supposed to wait for our easily-angered boss Harry to call, though!
Colin Farrell: But this girl is SUPER DUPER HOT. She even has teeth that are crooked in a hot way.
Brendan Gleeson: Okay, fine, I'll stay here and be old.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Hey, are you having fun in Bruges? It's a fucking fairytale, innit? A bloody fucking fairytale land.
Brendan Gleeson: I guess.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Tell Ray to go down the pub.
[Brendan Gleeson PRETENDS to send Colin Farrell away because he is ACTUALLY NOT THERE but is SUPPOSED to be and it goes on for MUCH LONGER than it HAS to, but this makes it HILARIOUS]
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Okay, you have to kill him. The kid's done. He killed a little boy. If I'd killed a child, accidentally or otherwise, I would put my pistol in mouth right then and there. HONOR, DUDE.
Brendan Gleeson: Fine. I'll kill him.
[meanwhile, Colin Farrell is PUNCHING CANADIANS and SHOOTING GUYS with BLANKS, though he is on a DATE]
Brendan Gleeson: I guess I'll go pick up the gun, though I do it reluctantly.
[he RETURNS to find Colin Farrell GONE to the PARK, attempting to KILL HIMSELF]

Brendan Gleeson: Noooooo! Oh, wait. I was supposed to kill you. Dang. I guess we're both on Harry's hit list now. Get on a train outta here. You have a future while I do not. I shall wait for Harry to come kill me.

Colin Farrell: Uh...okay. Bye. Sorry you're gonna die.

[he gets on the TRAIN, but the CANADIANS he punched come FIND him and he gets ARRESTED]

Ralph Fiennes: So now I must kill you for sending the boy away and not killing him.

Brendan Gleeson: Okay. Let's go up to the bell tower so we don't hurt any civilians.

[their BATTLE ends with Brendan Gleeson getting SHOT in the LEG]

Ralph Fiennes: I have too much respect for you to kill you.

Hot Girl's Boyfriend that Colin Farrell Shot Earlier: Colin Farrell and my hot girlfriend are down in the plaza, because apparently Bruges only has, like, one plaza! She bailed him out of jail! You can kill him now.

Brendan Gleeson: Nooooooooo!

[Ralph Fiennes SHOOTS him in the NECK so he can't CHASE him, but instead he CLIMBS back UP the tower and JUMPS the fuck OFF so he can WARN Colin Farrell]

Colin Farrell: What the fuuuuuuuck? You died to save me! I regard you as a father figure.

Ralph Fiennes: So nice that you found your father figure right before you DIED.

[he CHASES him ALL THROUGH BRUGES for like a REALLY long time and they end up at the MOVIE SET where the DWARF is in a movie]

Ralph Fiennes: Gahhhh! I must shoot you for killing that child!!

[he SHOOTS Colin Farrell, but one of the bullets EXPLODES the HEAD of the DWARF so he can't tell that it's a DWARF and not a CHILD he killed]

Ralph Fiennes: Well, you've got to stick to your principles.*

[he BLOWS his own HEAD off]

Colin Farrell: I really hope I live.

[MAYBE he does, but MAYBE he does not]

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:01:00 +0000

[it is a DREAM MEADOW]
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. This dream is lame. Is that my grandma over there? Wait a minute...it's me! As an old lady! With my hot vampire boyfriend who will always be young and beautiful, so beautiful that I will never have the words to describe it because I am bad with words.
R. Patts: Hey. Remember me? And how I sparkle in the sunlight? (Gay.) I'm super hot, but super pale, and super never open my mouth, which is apparently full of marbles. That is all.
[she AWAKENS to realize it is her BIRTHDAY, and she is now "OLDER" than her VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, which is TERRIFYING, though she is only 18]
Kristen Stewart: Whyyyyyyy please just change me into a vampire please please please! I'm going to repeat this extensively, so just get used to it now.
R. Patts: Babe? Can you hang on? I'm kinda busy walking in slo-mo across the windy parking lot. The better to display my hottttttnesssss, which is actually not that hott.
Kristen Stewart: Ugh, fine. I'll just go talk to my racially diverse group of friends that I never hang out with.
The Asian Guy: We don't know what happened to the black guy! Dang!
Taylor "Jailbait" Lautner: Hey Bella. I brought you a present from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store. That's also where I got my wig.
[he tosses his TERRIBLE WIG]
R. Patts: ARE YOU TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND STEP OFF DUDE
Taylor "Inappropriate Thoughts" Lautner: Hey, settle down. I'm just your girlfriend's really, really close friend who she never sees ever? We're basically best buds. But we never hang out.
Kristen Stewart: [mumbles something without EVER OPENING HER MOUTH]
R. Patts: I love to hear your lovely voice, my darling. Oh, and just so we get this out of the way: there is a vampire, like, congress thing in Italy that upholds our laws, and they will kill anyone who breaks them. That was my Suicide Plan B if I couldn't save you from the vampire that was hunting you in the last movie. Okay, setup done.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I got you a present! But I'm psychic, so I already know you love it! Also, I know you hate parties, but I'm throwing you one anyway! You can't resist me because I am too cute and chipper and have adorable hair!!
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. Fine.
[she goes to the vampires' SUMPTUOUS HOUSE, where they give her MANY PRESENTS]
Jasper, the Lacking-in-Self-Control Vampire: Hello, Bella. I would wish you a happy birthday, but I'm having trouble controlling my thirst for human blood. I tried to sate it by looking really gay, but it didn't work.
[Bella CUTS HERSELF on a CD case, you know, as you do, and there is a VAMPIRE THROWDOWN]
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Don't mind him and his murderous rage. He just wants to drink your blood. No bigs! Let's get you stitched up. Also here is some more exposition about those Italy vampires. They are kind of bad. That's about it.
Kristen Stewart: K.
[the next OVERCAST DAY]
R. Patts: Look, can we go talk in the forest?
Kristen Stewart: The forest? This must be serious. That is where we went to discuss how you are a vampire.
R. Patts: My family and I are moving. I'm breaking up with you. But I cannot look at you, as it would betray the fact that I cannot act.
Kristen Stewart: You're breaking up with me? You're leaving me? I am really sad about this, though my dead eyes will never show it.
R. Patts: Yes, I am leaving. Now that we have repeated that point the contractually-obligated three times, I'll go. You stay here in the forest, since that's safe.
Kristen Stewart: I guess I'll just wander aimlessly for a while in the forest and then lay down. That's a thing, right? After a breakup, ladies be eating Ben and Jerry's and laying in the woods!
[a HUGE-ASS WOLF rescues her, but it is actually a DUDE in the FORM of a WOLF]
Charlie, the Sheriff Dad: Oh! My daughter is back. Thanks, shirtless Indian.
Kristen Stewart: My life is...over.
[there is the LONGEST PASSAGE-OF-TIME MONTAGE ever]
Fritzi from Camp: God, you're so depressing! I don't even know why we hang out with you. But yeah, let's go to a movie or whatever.
[they GO, and Bella picks up some BIKERS in a PARKING LOT because she wants an ADRENALINE RUSH to FORGET her TROUBLES]
Disembodied Head of R. Patts: Bella. Be safe. Don't be stupid, Bella, though I guess being stupid is kind of intrinsic to your nature. Listen to me, the poor CGI mirage.
Kristen Stewart: I am so codependent that I will do anything just to see his mirage!! If that means extreme sports, so be it! I'm gonna find some dirt bikes and fix them up with my really super-close friend Jacob!
Taylor "Six-Pack" Lautner: You're here to hang out with me and my wig! Awesome! Let's fix some bikes...and also develop our relationship through some sort of vaguely indie song.
[there is a BIKE-FIXING and FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING MONTAGE]
Kristen Stewart: Well, now that the bikes are fixed, I can test my theory that exxxxtreme sports will allow me to see my mirage boyfriend!
[she tries to RIDE AWAY from the FIGMENT of her IMAGINATION, which is kind of like RUNNING from COLD, but instead she HITS a ROCK]
Taylor "I Hate Shirts" Lautner: Oh my god! Bella! You're bleeding. Here, let me remove my shirt and apply pressure to your head.
Kristen Stewart: Daaaaaaaaang, dude, you got a rockin' bod.
[the two of them go on an awkward "DATE" with Mike Newton to FACEPUNCH, which is a totally hilarious fake movie name]
Mike Newton: Wow, I feel sick. And like I might be a baby Nathan Fillion. But mostly sick.
Taylor "Gun Show" Lautner: AAAAGGGHHH I AM ENRAGED FOR NO REASON AND NOW WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE
Kristen Stewart: Fine! Whatever, I'm going for a walk in the woods, because that always ends well for me.
[she goes to the DREAM MEADOW from before, but it is BROWN and DEAD instead of GLORIOUS and GREEN]
Kristen Stewart: This meadow is too metaphorical!! Why can't I regain the joy I had when I first saw my sparkling Edward here? So glittery...so...glittery...
French Black Dude Vampire: Hello, Bella. Where are your vampire friends? If they're not protecting you anymore, you should probably look out, since Victoria, the crazy vampire with the orange hair, is seeking vengeance on Edward for killing her mate, so she's gonna kill you. Everyone got that? Good.
[he strokes his DREADLOCKS and displays his BARE CHEST under a BLAZER]
French Black Dude Vampire: You know, I think I'll just kill you myself. You like shirtless fellows, no?
[some HUGE FUCKING WOLVES show up and there is a NOT-TERRIBLY-EXCITING fight]
Kristen Stewart: What the? Wolves? Is this related to why my best bud isn't calling me anymore? I must go confront him...in the rain!!
Taylor "Baby Oil" Lautner: Sup. I'm just hanging out in the rain, shirtless. I cut my hair and I'm done with shirts now. No shirt, no shoes, no problem, that's my new philosophy.
Kristen Stewart: What the fuck, dude?
Taylor "JK Livin" Lautner: Is it cool if I do some HARDCORE PARKOUR up to your roof? I just...really need to talk to you. But I can't tell you what's going on.
Kristen Stewart: Tell me what's going on!!
Taylor "Daaaaamn how are you 17" Lautner: I literally...........................................can't.*
Kristen Stewart: Oh, I bet I know what it is, though. Because I've so totally proven my powers of...uh...figuring stuff out. You're a werewolf. Great.
Taylor "Caramel Cream" Lautner: Look, it's not like this is a lifestyle choice. It's not like I'm a gay person or something, who totally chooses filthy buttsex. I was born this way. And I was also born shirtless.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Cool. Well, let's go hang with your "pack."
[she learns that ALL WEREWOLVES HATE SHIRTS and are HOT but have semi-weird looking FACES but are still PRETTY HOT]
Kristen Stewart: Yeah, I still miss my vampire boyfriend. Can't you see the pain on my face???
Anyone: No.
Kristen Stewart: Fine, I'm just gonna go cliff diving.
[her CLIFF DIVING makes Alice, the PSYCHIC, think she has KILLED HERSELF and then there are SHENANIGANS that basically end with EDWARD trying to PROVOKE the VOLTURI because he thinks she is DEAD]
Kristen Stewart: Shit, we better go to Italy and stop him. This is too much like Romeo and Juliet...and not in a good way!
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'll grab my jaunty scarf, gloves, and sunglasses, and we'll be on our way!
[they drive a YELLOW PORSCHE through the countryside, because that is REALLY INCONSPICUOUS]
Alice: You need to run through this festival to stop Edward from exposing his disco ball skin!! Go!
[she runs for, like, EVER, in slo-mo, because this movie is NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH]
R. Patts: Oh. Hey. Are we dead? Awesome.
Dakota Fanning: No, but you're about to be. Come with me.
[they go to the VAMPIRE CONGRESS PLACE]
Michael Sheen: Well. Hello. I'm still attractive even with these blood-red contacts in. How about that?
[they have a LONG CONVO that basically ends with a VAMPIRE FIGHT which is MODERATELY COOL]
Michael Sheen: ...and the next time we see you, we want that human mate of yours to be a vampire! Her supernatural shield talents are too good to be wasted!
Dakota Fanning: I couldn't even hurt her with my mind bullets!!
R. Patts: Okay, fine, we'll make her a vampire.
Kristen Stewart: Yessssss. I am really excited about that. Can't you tell...from my acting?
R. Patts: Don't get too excited...because before I make you a vampire...we have to get married.
Stephenie Meyer: Mormons! [jazz hands]

The Savages

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:38:00 +0000

[it is ARIZONA]
Home Care Nurse: Flush the toilet, old man. I take care of your girlfriend, not you.
Philip Bosco: [smears his SHIT on the WALL and writes "PRICK" in it]
Me: Well, this is going to be a barrel of laughs.
Laura Linney: God, I wish my life didn't suck so bad. I work at an office and no one will give me money to write my terrible-sounding play based on my childhood. And my boyfriend's married and not even that cute. He is like a less-sexy version of Richard Jenkins.
Answering Machine Message: Hi, yeah, so your dad is smearing shit on the walls.
Laura Linney: Fuck.
[she calls her BROTHER in BUFFALO]
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Dude, our dad was not part of our life. I ain't care about him.
[the dad's GIRLFRIEND DIES at the NAIL SALON]
PSH: Now we have to go there for the funeral? Ugh.
Debra Monk: Thanks for coming out. By the way, your dad has no rights to any of my mom's property, even though they were together for 20 years. Sorry! Also he has dementia. Suckers!
Philip Bosco: Where's my son the doctor?
Laura Linney: Dad, he's a doctor of philosophy. He teaches theater.
Philip Bosco: Like Broadway?
Laura Linney: Like...theater of social unrest?**
Laura Linney: Well, I guess we have to take him with us.
PSH: And we'll put him in a nursing home.
Laura Linney: OH MY GOD NO WE CAN'T PUT HIM IN ONE OF THOSE OH MY GOD.
PSH: Look, just bring him to Buffalo and we'll figure it out.
[they find a place that seems FINE and takes MEDICAID]
Laura Linney: Oh my god, we're horrible children!
PSH: No, we're not. Now, I need to work on my Brecht book, so you can take care of dad while I do that.
Laura Linney: But I'm getting a grant from the Guggenheim Foundation to finish my play!
PSH: Oh. Well, I will try very hard not to mask my surprise, because I obviously think you are stupider than me.
Laura Linney: Here, let's just both take some Percocet I stole from dad's dead girlfriend.
[they DO and it is NICE because drugs are HELPFUL]
Laura Linney: Are you sure this nursing home is nice enough?
PSH: Yes. Now shut up.
Laura Linney: I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU GROW EMOTIONALLY.
[a LOT of REALLY BORING SHIT happens]
Laura Linney: My married boyfriend killed my plant. It's symbolic.
PSH: Well, my girlfriend moved back to Poland. And I know you didn't get a grant.
Laura Linney: NOW IT IS TIME WE HAD AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION!!
[they DO but it is really kind of BORING though they are both GOOD at ACTING]
Philip Bosco: So glad I could help you two reconnect with each other and your art. Now I'll die.
[he DOES and it is a RELIEF and not SAD]
Laura Linney: Now I know how to finish my play!
PSH: Now I know I want to marry my girlfriend!
[they are HAPPY?]

**only LOL moment in the whole movie

Point Break

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:37:00 +0000

[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]
Swayze: Check out my awesome surfing skills! I am as good at surfing as Keanu is at shooting things!
[meanwhile, at a BANK]
Dude in a Reagan Mask: We are the Ex-Presidents! Give us your cash!
[they MENACE people but do not KILL anyone and get a bunch of MONEY]
Keanu: Now I will report to my new assignment. I sure hope I get a good case to work on, and a cool partner.
John C. McGinley: Keanu! How can your name in this movie possibly be Johnny Utah? That is not a real name!
Keanu: I promise, it's real.
John C. McGinley: You think you're sooooo great, don't you? Young, dumb and full of cum?*
Keanu: Uh, gross.
John C. McGinley: Well, here's your partner.
Gary Busey: Fuck you! I hate you! But we are partners! Let's work together! Here is some background info about this Ex-Presidents bank robbers thing.
[they INVESTIGATE the bank robbers' CAR but have NO LEADS]
Gary Busey: So I have this theory that the bank robbers...are SURFERS! They only strike in the summertime, and I can totally see a tan line on this guy's butt.
Keanu: That makes total sense. Let's use that admittedly-weak theory to build an elaborate undercover operation that requires me to learn to surf.
[they pretend to SURF on their DESKS]
Keanu: Now to try real surfing.
[there is a SURF MONTAGE and he SUCKS at it]
Lori Petty: You seriously suck at surfing.
Keanu: Maybe you can teach me.
Lori Petty: No! I have too hard an exterior! You will never find out how to connect with me emotionally, never!
[Keanu uses his FBI ACCESS to learn that her PARENTS were KILLED in a PLANE CRASH]
Keanu: So, hello again. I just thought I'd let you know that my parents were killed in a car crash. That's why I want to learn to surf.
Lori Petty: My hard exterior! It's crumbling!! Okay, I will teach you.
[there is ANOTHER MONTAGE]
Swayze: So you're learning to surf from my girl here. Pretty radical.
Other Surfers: Who the fuck is this guy? We hate him! Our natural reaction to outsiders is hate!
Swayze: But he's a famous football quarterback from Ohio State!
Other Surfers: Okay, we love him then.
My Roommate Tina: Surfers do not play football. I'm just saying.
[there is some MORE SURFING]
Gary Busey: Dude, are you conducting an investigation or just hanging out?
Keanu: I'm conducting an investigation!! And hanging out. Simultaneously. It's radical. Also, I think the Ex-Presidents surf on this beach because we analyzed some hair follicles or something.
[he goes to THAT BEACH and encounters some ANGRY SURFERS]
Anthony Kiedis: We are gonna give you some scar tissue!!
[they have a FIGHT and Keanu STARTS to kick some ASS but there are FOUR of them]
Swayze: I got you, buddy!!
[they BOTH kick some ASS and it is GREAT]
Keanu: Thanks, man. I feel really close to you right now. What's the deal with those dudes?
Swayze: They only live to get radical. They don't understand the sea. They'll never get the spiritual side.*
Keanu: Oh. I bet they're bank robbers!
[they RAID the bad surfers' HOUSE but it turns out they are just DRUG DEALERS]
Tom Sizemore: YOU FBI FUCKERS FUCKED UP MY UNDERCOVER PROJECT! DO YOU THINK I LIKE MY HAIR LIKE THIS???*
Keanu: Oops?
[there is a SURF PARTY]
Swayze: Let me take this opportunity to tell you about the BIGGEST WAVE EVER that is about to happen in Australia. I will be on that big wave.
Keanu: I will remember that.
Lori Petty: Remember earlier when you crumbled my hard exterior? Wanna crumble it further?
Keanu: I wanna taste you.**
[they BONE]
Lori Petty: Wait, you're an FBI agent? What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!
Keanu: I'm working a case! It's not about you! I'm sorry I lied about my dead parents!
Lori Petty: I am so betrayed!!
Keanu: Oh well, back to the beach.
[one of his SURF BUDS moons someone...JUST like the BANK ROBBER]
Keanu: Of course! Only a bank robber would moon someone! I'll tail my friend Swayze and see if he cases any banks!
[he DOES]
Keanu: We need to be at this bank! They're gonna rob it!
Gary Busey: Could you just get me a meatball sub real quick?
[they MISS the robbery because of the MEATBALL SUB]
Keanu: Shit! I guess it's time for a foot chase between me and Reagan Mask Guy!
[there is a VERY LONG FOOT CHASE through many YARDS and HOUSES and Keanu goes through a SLIDING DOOR]
Keanu: You won't get away, Reagan Mask Guy Who May or May Not Be My Best Bud Swayze! I will jump down into this ravine...AAAAGAHHHAHA! My football injury!
[the Reagan Mask Guy, who he SUSPECTS is Swayze, gets STUCK and Keanu could SHOOT him]
Keanu: What if it's my friend? I CANNOT SHOOT HIM.
[he SHOOTS into the air in ANGUISH]
Gary Busey: You could have shot him.
Keanu: I missed.
Gary Busey: You got a 100% on that shooting test! You don't miss.
Keanu: Uh. It was my football injury?
Swayze: Hey man, wanna go skydiving? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING.
Keanu: I have no proof that he is a robber! And I don't want to blow my cover! What do I do?
[he GOES and it is PRETTY FUN and lasts for like a REALLY LONG TIME]
Keanu: Hey, that was fun!
Swayze: Oh, by the way - I totally kidnapped my/your girlfriend and she's gonna die if you don't assist us in the last bank robbery.
Keanu: WHAAAAAA? Okay. I love her, I guess.
[the last robbery goes HORRIBLY AWRY and people get SHOT and KILLED]
John C. McGinley: Ha ha! Now I get to arrest you for being a bank robber! My comeuppance has come!
Gary Busey: I'll take him in...NO I WON'T SUCKAAAAA
[he takes him to the AIRPORT where Swayze is ESCAPING in a PLANE and there is a SHOOTOUT and Gary Busey DIES and it is ACTUALLY SAD]
Swayze: Get on the plane or I will kill you!! Even though we are friends. Or something.
Keanu: Okay. I will figure out a plan once we're in the air.
[he JUMPS without a CHUTE and they have a MID-AIR fight and it is AWESOME and they BOTH LAND alive]
Swayze: Goodbye. I am going to leave you here in the desert. See you in hell, or perhaps on that big wave I told you about earlier.
Lori Petty: You saved me! I don't even care that you're a liar!
[they SOMEHOW get out of the DESERT, though they have NO CAR or anything]
Keanu: I will track Swayze to the ends of the earth - literally! Because I am now in Australia, where that big wave is going to happen.
Swayze: Good job, dude. You gonna arrest me? Or you gonna let me ride that big wave?
[they GAZE at each other in a MODERATELY GAY WAY]
Keanu: Get on that wave.
Australian Police: What! You let him get away. I guess we'll catch him when he comes back.
Keanu: He's not coming back.***
[he WALKS AWAY, in the RAIN]

**Not an actual line, but suggested by my roommate Stephanie. Could definitely be an actual line based on cheesiness of the rest of the dialogue.
***Actual line that, although I had never seen this movie before, I spoke along with Keanu with the correct delivery.

Junebug

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:51:00 +0000

[it is CHICAGO]
Embeth Davidtz: Oh. A cute man across the gallery. Perhaps I will introduce myself to him, and then make out with him.
[she DOES, to the strains of the MOST ADORABLE SONG IN THE WORLD and then get MARRIED after like ONE SECOND]
Embeth Davidtz: Awesome. But now I have to go on a business trip to go see this outsider artist in North Carolina. It's near where your family lives. Maybe I could meet them, since I never have?
Alessandro Nivola: Um...okay. I don't know how they'll react to your big-city ways.
Embeth Davidtz: Let's go! I'm sure everything will be fine, and not ever tension-filled.
[she goes to visit the ARTIST, who is SUPER WEIRD but makes PRETTY COOL PAINTINGS]
Embeth Davidtz: I like all the dog heads...and computers...and scrotums.*
Artist: [says something WEIRD]
Embeth Davidtz: That's nice. I'll take very good care of you at my gallery. I really mean that. I think.
Amy Adams: Ohmygodohmygodohmygoddddd they're heeeeeeeere!! I'm so excited to meet my new sister-in-law!!!
[she WADDLES over to them, as she is LARGELY PREGNANT]
Mom: Hi.
Dad: Hi.
Ryan from The OC: [silence]
Alessandro Nivola: So...good times, right?
[they all look KIND OF MISERABLE, except Amy Adams, who is ADORABLE]
Embeth Davidtz: A church dinner? How quaint. Am I enjoying this? I'm not sure.
[her husband SINGS a HYMN and it is actually QUITE NICE]
Embeth Davidtz: Oh - he sings. What? How did I not know this? I have a feeling I'm going to find out a few more things I never knew about him. What I do know, though, is that we like to bone.
[they PROVE this by BONING]
Ryan from The OC: Thanks for offering to help me with my Huckleberry Finn paper for my GED program. Now I will awkwardly hit on you.
Embeth Davidtz: Oh, uh - all that affection I showed you? That's just my city way. I don't want to do you.
Amy Adams: Let me do your nails! Let me know everything about you!! Waaaaa! Oh wait, I'm in labor! Waaaaaaaaaa!!
Mom: Okay, we're off to the hospital. Wife of my son: you stay here.
[they DRIVE OFF and leave her STANDING in the DRIVEWAY alone and it is VERY METAPHORICAL]
Artist: I ain't sure I wanna sign with y'all in Chicago. I wanna show in New York.
Embeth Davidtz: No! My livelihood! He must sign with us! I must go to him, now!
Alessandro Nivola: But my sister-in-law's in labor.
[she is TORN between FAMILY VALUES and WORK, but she picks WORK because she is a CITY FOLK]
Alessandro Nivola: The baby died.
Embeth Davidtz: Oh. I wish I could be there.
Alessandro Nivola: You could have been.*
Amy Adams: It's okay. I'm still obsessed with you. And babies. And my small life here in the country.
Embeth Davidtz: We gotta get outta here.
[they drive back to CHICAGO and resume their CITY LIFE]

Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:56:00 +0000

[it is a SPACE SCHOOL]
Exposition Teacher: We used up Earth That Was and left for a bunch of other planets on a new solar system, and we "terra-formed" them, which is why they all look like Earth That Was and have air and horses, and then we made this Alliance, which is great. SO GREAT. EVERYONE LOVES THE ALLIANCE.
Little River: But not everyone does.
Exposition Teacher: EVERYONE. DOES.
[it is a SPACE HOSPITAL, where the SAME GIRL is being EXPERIMENTED ON]
Waiting for Guffman Guy: ...so then we just stick this thing into her brain and fuck around with it. Fun, huh?
Dr. Simon: Yeah. Fun.
[he uses a CRAZY PULSE WEAPON to KNOCK OUT everyone in the room and ESCAPE with his SISTER and if you never saw the SHOW, you will be like WHAT but TRUST ME it's GOOD]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Wow, Waiting for Guffman Guy. Just - wow. You are seriously bad at your job of taking possibly-psychic people and doing experiments on them. And for that: you die.
[he does a NERVE PINCH THING that makes the guy FALL OVER, which wouldn't be SO BAD except that there is a SWORD THERE that STABS him]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Now you know how I kill people. Remember that.
[meanwhile, on SERENITY, chunks are LITERALLY FALLING OFF the spaceship]
Nathan Fillion: We better go rob a bank to fix our ship. Do we need to re-introduce the crew?
Zoe: It wouldn't be a bad idea, sir. Some of the people who liked "Firefly" may have convinced their friends to see the movie without having seen the show.
Nathan Fillion: Can't say that's much of an idea, but all right. Where's your husband, the pilot?
Alan Tudyk: Over here! Being wacky and wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Nathan Fillion: And Kaylee, our mechanic?
Kaylee: Right here, cap'n! Just fixin' up Serenity so she runs good for this job. And thinkin' 'bout the doctor. 'Cause I got an unrequited love for him.
Dr. Simon: She does. It's...mutual. I don't want to talk about it.
River: [says something POSSIBLY PSYCHIC]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: I just want to get on with this gorram bank robbery!!
Nathan Fillion: Jayne, settle down and get in the hovercraft. We don't know why you have a girl's name.
[they go ROB a BANK, but are AMBUSHED by REAVERS, who are basically THE WORST]
Nathan Fillion: All right, time for a chase scene.
[they get CHASED and it is EXCITING but they are SAFE at the end]
Dr. Simon: You almost got my sister killed! We're getting off this ship, even though we are fugitives from the law and might not find another crew so willing to protect us.
Nathan Fillion: Great plan. Good luck with that.
[they all go to a SPACE SALOON and meet up with their CONTACTS to do a BUSINESS DEAL]
River: Miranda.
[she STARES at a JAPANESE-LOOKING COMMERCIAL and instead of having a SEIZURE, totally KICKS everyone's ASS]
Nathan Fillion: What in the rutting -- let's go. You two clearly can't handle yourselves. We better go talk to Mr. Universe about this.
David Krumholtz: Duhhhhh, the commercial was a subliminal message that makes her into an assassin, obviouslyyyyy. You're welcome. I have a robot bride.
Nathan Fillion: Looks like we need to go to that planet she mentioned, Miranda.
Kaylee: But Shepherd Book hasn't been featured in the movie yet! We need to visit him!
Nathan Fillion: Fine, let's go.
[they DO, and he has CORNROWS]
Inara: Also can you come help me, a former sort-of crew member who is clearly in love with you? This is not an Alliance trap at all.
[it is CLEARLY a trap, but they go ANYWAY and SAVE her]
Nathan Fillion: FINE. EVERYONE FROM THE SHOW IS IN THE MOVIE NOW ARE YOU HAPPY.
Kaylee: Yes, cap'n.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, now let's go to that outer rim planet.
Zoe: There's the other issue, that we have to go through Reaver territory to get there.
Nathan Fillion: I know! Let's disguise our ship as a Reaver ship! We'll just strap on some corpses and red paint and pass on through. Good thing the Alliance killed a bunch of our friends.
[everyone is like EW but they know it is THE ONLY WAY]
Alan Tudyk: Is now a good time for another pithy comment? No? Okay, well, we're here on the outer planet.
[the PLANET is totally INHABITABLE but everyone is MYSTERIOUSLY DEAD]
Sarah Paulson: Hi. I'm a recording that will conveniently explain what happened here. See, we tried to stop people from fighting with this drug in the air supply, but it made everyone give up the will to live and they all died. Except for a tiny percentage of the people, who became the Reavers. Sorry, universe! We ruined this world.
Nathan Fillion: Everyone in the universe must know about this! Let's broadcast it, using Mr. Universe's broadcasting equipment.
David Krumholtz: Sure, come on by. This is also not a trap.
[it is ALSO A TRAP]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: But how we gonna get past them Reavers agin? And what about all the Alliance ships that are sure to be waiting for us?
[they pit their TWO ENEMIES against EACH OTHER and it is AMAZING]
Alan Tudyk: I am a leaf on the wind.*
[he PILOTS the ship EXPERTLY and LANDS it but then gets STABBED by a HARPOON and it is TERRIBLE]
Zoe: I am a soldier! I will not stop to grieve! I will fight!
Dr. Simon: I'm really sad I never did you.
Kaylee: Really? Screw this, I'm gonna live!!*
[they set up a REAVER BOTTLENECK and have a HUGE FIREFIGHT while the captain goes to BROADCAST the message]
River: Guys, I'm going to go defeat the Reavers alone. BRB.
[she goes NUTS with, like, an AXE and it's AWESOME]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Oh no you don't, captain! We have to have our man-to-man battle! And I need to use that nerve pinch thing again!
[there is a LOT of FIGHTING and it is COOL and NERVE-WRACKING]
Nathan Fillion: Here's the thing about that nerve pinch thing, though: I don't have nerves there. YA BURNT.
[he WINS and broadcasts the THING and everyone is ALIVE except the two that DIED EARLIER]
Kaylee: Yes! Now I can bone the doctor!
Dr. Simon: Wooooo!
Inara: Yes! Now I can continue to look at the captain in a suggestive way!
Nathan Fillion: Woooooo, I guess?!
River: Yes! Now I can not be crazy, mostly!
Zoe: I'm still sad, but also strong.
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: Woooooo! Let's go steal somethin'! But have morals about it!
[they DO, we assume]

Guest Post: Her Married Lover

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:06:00 +0000

Lord knows we love a made-for- television movie up in this blog. Such fodder. We had not one, but TWO Lifetime movie weeks! Remember those days, guys? Good times. Laura McClain wants to take us back there. Hit it.
(Also, this movie is apparently called A Clean Kill in some places? And it's very popular in Australia? Whatever.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: A woman is dead! Her car is at the bottom of the ravine!
Surly Cop: So you want to report a vehicular accident?
Pretty Brunette: No….a MURDER.*
Surly Cop: Okay. Walk along that yellow line through those doors. The line is symbolic or something.
[she and her PEASANT DRESS and PLATFORM SNEAKERS walk slowly down a HALLWAY as many RANDOM establishing shots of HISPANIC people are SHOWN]
Rotund Detective: So, tell me about this dead lady. Who killed her?
Pretty Brunette: Her husband….we were lovers.
Rotund Detective: Okay. What’s his name?
Pretty Brunette: Richard Mannhart.
Rotund Detective: Man heart? REALLY? That’s the best name the screenwriters could come up with?
Pretty Brunette: It’s symbolic!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette Voiceover: I stopped at a convenience store late one night to pick up some things…
[she WALKS around the STORE looking TERRIFIED for NO REASON]
Patrick Dempsey’s Nerd Friend from Can’t Buy Me Love: This is a stick-up!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp!
[a man GRABS her from BEHIND and COVERS her MOUTH with his LEATHER-GLOVED hand while CARESSING her LADY BITS with his OTHER, UN-GLOVED hand]
Mysterious Stranger: Shhhhhh….don’t make a sound.
Convenience-Store Clerk: [SHOOTS criminal]
Pretty Brunette: But…where did the leather-gloved man go? He saved my life! Also, that caressing was hot.
[she CLEANS her HOUSE while LISTENING to the RADIO]
Radio Announcer: That was Richard Mannhart, acclaimed mystery writer.
Pretty Brunette: That voice! THAT VOICE! It’s leather-glove man!
[she FINDS him TEACHING at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE]
Pretty Brunette: Why did you run from the convenience store?
Mysterious Stranger, aka Man-Heart: I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
[he PULLS on a LEATHER GLOVE so you KNOW it's him, as ONLY HE owns LEATHER GLOVES]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Some Cops: Your wife’s in pretty bad shape Mr. Mannhart. You’d better come with us.
Man-Heart: Why? I will act suspiciously at my book-signing!
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Pretty Brunette: I will go to work editing a movie with a very sinister child in it.
Man-Heart: [SNEAKS up BEHIND her and HUMPS her while WEARING a GLOVE again]
Pretty Brunette: So erotic!
[she GOES back to his CLASS and she CREEPILY takes his PHOTO, and they have a SEXY ENCOUNTER on a ROOF]
Pretty Brunette: So then we started having an affair…it was sexy yet sinister.
Rotund Detective: [LOOKS at her IMPASSIVELY]
[there are MONTAGES of them having SEX on VARIOUS surfaces, though she ALWAYS wakes up ALONE and FULLY CLOTHED, including SHOES]
Man-Heart: I love you so much, baby.
Pretty Brunette: I love you too! I’m tired of sharing you with her - get a divorce!
[they GO to a PARK, where all INTENSE CONVOS occur]
Man-Heart: I’m divorcing her! Take this enormous chintzy ring as proof that I will marry you!
Pretty Brunette: Hooray! Let’s celebrate this occasion by taking pictures in that photo booth!
[they DO and then BONE on a ROCK in like a CAVE or something]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Nurse: Your wife is in a coma. She’s probably going to die.
Some Cops: So tell us about your mistress. She gave us a lot of private info about you!
Man-Heart: She was just my stuuuuudent! I don’t know how she knows about me! I will
continue to seem suspicious!
[his WIFE dies]
Pretty Brunette: So we were going to get married…but he never showed up to meet my friend who looked like Katie Couric. So I called him to bitch him out.
[she wears a TIERED TEA-LENGTH wedding dress, which is possible PROOF of her CRAZY]
Pretty Brunette: Where are you? You’re supposed to love me!
Man-Heart: I don’t even know who you are! You’re just my stuuuuudent!
Pretty Brunette: Why are you denying me? Is it because your bitch wife is right there?
Rotund Detective: Why didn’t you end it with him?
Pretty Brunette: He was too irresistible!
[he is NOT]
Man-Heart: I’m sorry I didn’t come by, baby…but look! I wrote out our whole affair in my new novel. My writer’s block is cured! It also details how I will kill my wife to take her money and be with you!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp! You cannot do this!
[she READS his TERRIBLE-LOOKING manuscript]
Pretty Brunette: I have to talk to you after class, which I am still taking for some reason!
Man-Heart: YOU’RE JUST MY STUUUUUDENT! STOP STALKING ME!
Pretty Brunette: What is WRONG with you???
[she GOES to tell his WIFE that he is going to KILL her but the WIFE is BITCHY and
DISMISSIVE]
Pretty Brunette: I will stalk her to save her life!
[she FOLLOWS his wife in a CAR and totally RUNS her OFF the ROAD while trying to SAVE her, though it is INDICATED that the BRAKES were CUT]
Rotund Detective: Okay. I need some proof that you were his lover to book him. Literally nobody ever saw you together.
Pretty Brunette: I have proof!
[she HANDS him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures]
My Friend Dawn: Well, this is Lifetime….the bitch can’t be crazy. They always side with the chick in these movies.
Rotund Detective: Okay. Thanks. I’m going to get a nice lady cop to take you into another room.
[they WALK her DOWN a HALLWAY past Man-Heart, and she SUDDENLY has a SERIOUS case of the CRAZY EYES]
Rotund Detective: Sorry, Mr. Mannhart. This time...the bitch IS crazy.
[he GIVES him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures, which show her in a Donna Martin hat POSING with his PHOTO and it’s PRETTY CREEPY]

Horror of the Zombies

noreply@blogger.com (Movie Maven) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:00:00 +0000

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
Noemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]