UmWho?com

Morris Thinks Roker is a Dummy. Is Right.

2008-07-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

Carlos Morris, a.k.a. "Carlista Flockhart", was spotted today walking in Times Square wearing a full winter coat, knit cap and mittens. The 27-year-old lightweight was apparently "cold" as temperatures dropped below 87 degrees. "It's freezing for July", Morris told UmWho reporters. "I can almost see my breath."

Ironically, as Morris was headed for the subway (the train not the chain), he bumped into one of his biggest idols, Al Roker, outside the popular Madame Tussauds museum on 42nd Street. Morris has been a long time fan of Roker and has championed his ability to do "whatever it takes to stay thin."

However, Roker seemed less than interested in engaging in Morris' mindless chatter about the weather. "He didn't say much. I think I made him nervous," Morris said. "I just can't believe he gained all that weight back. What a dummy."

Yes. Dummy.

Breaking: DFly on Detox?!?!

2008-07-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

America's favorite AA candidate, Deirdre Flynn, was spotted last night at New York City's popular latin gay club Escuelita sporting a sari and drinking, what appeared to be, water from a plastic cup. The incident caused widespread panic and stirred up rumors that Flynn might actually be on the wagon.

"She's chugged three cups of water within her first fifteen minutes here. It's not looking good," said Marco Lopez, the venue's Saturday night manager. "I saw her walk in and I thought for sure we'd be making bank. But I think she's doing that master cleanse thing. F***."

Resident drag queen Mocha Chino was not having it. "They already charge $20 to get up in here. If the bitch don't drink, they're gonna raise it again. If I'm out a job, she's gonna be out some hair."

Luckily for Chino and everyone else at the establishment, it turned out to be a false alarm.

"What? No, don't be silly...," Deirdre revealed to UmWho reporters. "It's vodka. The bartender just wouldn't give me a glass because I keep dropping them. I guess I'm just clumsy."

Ahhh, 'clumsy'. That must be it.

Koth's Collagen BOGO Disaster

2008-07-18T11:55:00.001-07:00

Maybe it was an attempt to disguise himself in wake of that stalker incident. Maybe he realized he needs to find a way to stand out in the crowd after his recent karaoke experience. Maybe he thought it would look good. Whatever the reason, Jason Koth recently underwent collagen injections on his lips... twice.

The 26 year old North Dakota native allegedly clipped out a 'Buy One Get One' coupon for collagen injections from the back pages of The Village Voice, which promised to give his lips "a fuller, more distinct, supple quality." However, when he arrived at Dr. Phillip Love's office, he realized that he didn't have anyone for the 'get one'. After calling everyone he knew, the actor decided to go it alone.

"I tried calling four different people to go halfsies with me but no one answered. I thought, 'Frig it! This is a two for one.' So I just took both," Koth told reporters. "I'm not an idiot. I'm gonna get what I paid for."

As a get well gift, Koth received an Edible Arrangement from his hometown with a card attached that stated, "Grand Forks is proud of you! Not only are you living the big life in the big city, but now you look like a big star! We always knew you'd make it!"

However, despite the overwhelming support from North Dakota, Koth has left one friend in New York very confused. "He didn't call me," said Carlos Morris, Koth's close friend and confidant. "We always BOGO together. I don't understand why he wouldn't call me."

停止唱歌!

2008-07-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

No Moore star Jason Koth and producer Marissa Goldberg were spotted recently in Chinatown at the Oriental Garden restaurant munching on sweet and sour pork and washing it down with bottles of Bud Light.

According to bystanders, the two were having a friendly business conversation when they were interrupted by Mei Sung Fao, a Chinese tourist who miraculously recognized Goldberg from a production of the Broadway musical Annie that was performed in Shanghai in 1992. Goldberg was then performing the title role.

Sung Fao had apparently been enamored with Goldberg since that performance, and he gleefully demanded that she perform the musical's legendary song "Tomorrow" for the restaurant patrons.

"This is so unexpected," Goldberg said to the stoic diners and wait staff. "Thank you. Thank you all!" She then broke into a transposed version of "Tomorrow" with a bus boy accompanying her on the xiao.

Koth, who was slightly annoyed at the spectacle Goldberg was making, commented, "Great. This is just what she needs. I just managed to get her to stop singing Annie in public. Now she'll never stop."

When Goldberg concluded her ferociously-committed performance, there was polite applause from the patrons. Sung Fao looked thoroughly disappointed.

"Hmm...she's not really cute anymore," he said. "And her boobs are too big."

D-Fly: “PBR Me ASAP!”

2008-07-16T15:33:00.001-07:00

Let's just clarify: Deirdre Flynn will not be the Pabst Brewing Company's new poster girl.

Flynn, in yet another drunken stupor, sent a number of seductive self-photographs to the brewery's national headquarters, along with her theatrical resume, in hopes of landing a job as a model for their new marketing campaign.

Flaw numero uno: In every photo, Flynn was holding a bottle of Miller Lite.

Flaw numero dos: Flynn sent her correspondence to the Old Milwaukee headquarters.

We caught up with Flynn at P.J. Leahy's pub in Long Island City, where she was mixing Guinness and Hoegaarden in a plastic pitcher and regaling patrons with Paddy Irishman jokes. When questioned about the photo incident, Flynn merely quipped, "Oh, who the hell cares? I'm a Budweiser girl anyways!"

Flynn then body-slid onto the table where five regulars were playing beer pong.

Oh, Deirdre...what would Captain Pabst have to say about all this?

Koth Snubbed in Voicemail

2008-07-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

Jason Koth just doesn't have any luck when it comes to voicemail. The actor was apparently leaving a message yesterday for friend and co-star Joe Moran when the voicemail was intercepted by Bettina's assistant. Rather than fighting for a moment that was rightfully his, Koth apologized for the interruption and hung up - defeated.

The incident puzzled technicians at Verizon Wireless. "It doesn't make any sense. It sounds like [Bettina's assistant] was using a landline. I don't get how she could intercept a voicemail on our nation's most reliable network," said Pablo Guttierez, who works at the tech support desk at Verizon Wireless in NYC's Herald Square. "It almost seems supernatural - as if a higher calling were trying to tell him something. Dios Mio."

However, Koth's close friends have drawn their own conclusions. "It just goes to show that technology doesn't even acknowledge his existence," Moran told UmWho reporters. "It's really sad. I'm surprised he hasn't just given up already."

It's no question that ~~Jacob~~ Jason Koth is among the most forgettable, overlooked personalities to date. But one major question remains - who the hell is Bettina?

Koth was unavailable for comment as he is reportedly working ferociously on his memoir, Can You Hear Me Now?, as a follow up to his recent unpublished autobiography, Nice to Meet You... Again.

JoMo Suffers from “Social Narcolepsy”

2008-07-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

With Joe Moran’s recent behavior in public – from stealing Splenda to nabbing other people’s drinks – we would have pegged him as a total klepto, but apparently the No Moore star has another disorder under his belt.

At a recent social networking event at HK Restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen, Moran was chatting with a group of tax brokers, investment bankers, and human resource managers when he suddenly dropped to the floor. Bystanders, knowing only about numbers and 403(b) plans, were unable to revive Moran for two full minutes.

Just as restaurant officials were sending for the paramedics, Moran awoke in a daze. When questioned about the incident, Moran commented “Oh, man, not again. This has been happening a lot lately. My doctor says I’m suffering from social narcolepsy.”

But Moran’s co-star, Jason Koth, begs to differ. “Oh, please. He was pissed because they weren’t including him in the conversation and he needed some attention. I saw the whole thing.” Koth, who has been laying low since his stalking incident, was guest bartending the event in disguise.

Koth added, “If he was really narcoleptic, he would have dropped his damn drink. Idiot."

Moran's neurologist was unavailable for comment.

Goldberg Depressed. Eats Entire Chicken.

2008-07-11T13:45:00.001-07:00

From YouTube spats to bar room brawls, it seems Marissa Goldberg has been attracting a lot of negative press lately. Production on her web series, No Moore, has come to a screeching halt and there is no sign of a career in sight.

According to close friend and cast member Joe Moran, the former child "star" is reportedly going through rough times. "She's spending time with her family in Brooklyn, listening to show tunes and drinking a lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade."

Goldberg was spotted last night in the Waldbaum's parking lot near her parents' residence. The 26-year old actor was reportedly drinking Zima and scarfing down an entire rotisserie chicken. "She ate the whole thing" said Marcus Dooley, a local bum. "I went to ask the b**** for a piece and it was gone. All gone. F****** b****."

"I believe it," Moran said. "She'll probably get fat again. That's what happened the last time."

Carlos Morris Sports Latest Babies-R-Us Style

2008-07-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Babies-R-Us held an exclusive Buy One Get One 50% Off clothing sale this week, and Carlos Morris was first in line when doors opened at the store’s only Manhattan location.

According to bystanders, Morris sprinted through displays filled with rattles, potty chairs, and breast pumps to get to the apparel section. Once there, he proceeded to rifle through onesies and toddler track sets before settling on a flattering red and white zip-up polo.

It was only when Morris asked where the fitting room was that employees grew concerned. When they refused to answer, Morris tore off his Uniqlo tee and squeezed into the polo.

“It was something,” disgruntled employee T’desha Salazar commented. “I thought all this was for his kid or something, but looking at him now…I shoulda known better.”

Realizing that he needed a second item in order to take advantage of the sale, Morris snatched a Tigger hooded robe (with booties) out of an infant’s stroller. When later confronted about the incident, Morris merely replied: “He wasn’t going to buy it. And he was getting pureed carrots all over the fabric.”

A number of metropolitan infants and their nannies showed their approval of Morris’ new wardrobe by shaking rattles at him as he strode through Union Square park later that day.

JoMo Strikes a Pose

2008-07-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that a legendary celebrity portrait photographer was in New York this week working on a major new project – .jpg: a photographic account of web personalities – and Joe Moran found himself with the unique opportunity to pose for her.

Initially the photographer was drawn to Moran’s geek-chic style, often outfitted in cargo pants and plaid button-down short-sleeved shirts. What she wasn’t expecting, however, was for Moran to take over the photo shoot as soon as he arrived at her studio.

“He insisted on wearing a puke-green cotton polo for one shot,” says an anonymous source present at the shoot. “And on top of it, he half-popped the collar. It was hideous.”

Other portraits have surfaced of Moran on a plush sofa wearing a pump boy uniform and a distinctly smug expression on his face.

The photographer immediately ended the session when Moran demanded that she photograph him in the same pose as she did Demi Moore for her 1991 nude Vanity Fair cover. In retaliation, Moran stole three whole wheat bagels from the catering table and chucked them at the photographer before being escorted out.

Word is that work will resume on the project (sans Moran) once all the crumbs have been shaken from the camera.

Flynn Tries Counting to Five at Bar. Misses Three.

2008-07-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

Deirdre Flynn and Marissa Goldberg caused quite a ruckus last night at Brother Jimmy's Bar and Restaurant on New York's Upper East Side.

After downing a Plantation Punch, a Carolina Cooler and three Swamp Waters in under 45 minutes, 'D Fly' was cut off from ordering any more drinks as she was "obviously obliterated". In a desperate attempt to prove the bartender wrong, Flynn proceeded to count to five as evidence of her ability to think clearly. Goldberg was at her side.

"She kept skipping three. It was annoying. It's like, just drink some water or something," Goldberg explained. "I was like, 'D, you're embarrassing me', but she just kept going like a broken record... so I slapped her."

A cat fight ensued and the two vixens found themselves brawling on the bar, much to the enjoyment of visiting frat boys from Long Island's Hofstra University. "Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhh," witnesses recalled. "Whooooooooooooooo!!!"

The bouncer eventually broke up the fight and Goldberg was banned from the establishment for "fighting dirty". Sources say Goldberg allegedly had Flynn in a full nelson as Flynn attempted to slurp spilled drinks off the bar.

J.Ko Stalker Taunts With Obscene Phone Calls. Bette Midler.

2008-06-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

As if Jason Koth's life weren't sad enough, the web series star now has a stalker.

Koth's admirer became smitten with him upon watching the actor perform his rendition of Bette Midler's "From a Distance (Christmas Version)" at Brandy's Piano Bar on New York's Upper East Side. The two immediately hit it off and made plans to eat schnitzel and watch Beaches the following day. However, the friendship came to an abrupt end when Koth postponed their plans once he realized he was running low on Paxil, Ambien, Welbutrin and Zoloft. Koth was at a local Rite-Aid renewing his prescriptions when he received the following voicemail messages:

YouTube Yanks Goldberg Video Amid Controversy

2008-06-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Marissa "Missy" Goldberg recently found herself the center of controversy, after she discovered a YouTube posting of her work on ABC's A.M. Posse. Goldberg allegedly contacted YouTube user, Immortalsynn, who referred to her as "Gina".

"Actually, it's Missy. I would know. I'm her!", Goldberg cheerfully posted in the video's comments.

To Goldberg's chagrin, Immortalsynn was less than impressed and discounted the claim.

"Shhhh, quiet, listen... ...indeed, that's the sound of anyone believing you."

In retaliation, Goldberg and long time friend Joe Moran pummeled Synn with negative comment ratings and personal attacks on Synn's character. "We totally went Brooklyn on ~~her~~ his ass," explained Moran. "OH SNAP!"

Ultimately, The YouTube Team yanked the video due to "fraudulent behavior" on Goldberg's part. " We have reason to believe that the real Ms. Goldberg perished over a decade ago. She hasn't worked since."

Moran Pleads Guilty to DUI. Doesn't Drive.

2008-06-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Joe Moran pled guilty to a DUI yesterday during a session with celebrity therapist Dr. Susan Browning. As Moran turned over his state-issued ID, Browning informed the actor that he couldn't possibly be guilty of a DUI as he doesn't drive.

"Well that set him off," explained Browning as she puffed on a Virginia Slim outside her Ozone Park office. "He's crazy. He started ranting about how it would be good for his career. Something about a come back? I wasn't really paying attention."

Witnesses say Moran was last seen chugging a can of Full Throttle before unchaining his Segway and heading towards the Brooklyn Queens Expressway.

J.Ko Moonlighting as College Registrar

2008-03-29T16:56:00.000-07:00

No Moore star Jason Koth recently surfaced in Orlando, Florida at the World Center Marriott Resort attending professional development sessions at a conference for over 1,500 college registrars.

After consuming four Razmatinis in the hotel bar, Koth was escorted off the premises when he asked Betty Smullins, a 57-year-old registrar from Scranton, OH, if he could come up to her room and show her how he "graduated summa cum louder."

Smullins later commented, "I doubt he graduated at all, let alone with high honors. I'd need to see his transcript."

Missy Moon Frye

2008-03-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

Missy Goldberg has never gotten over the loss of the title role in the 1984 television series Punky Brewster. A heated debate between her and Soleil Moon Frye (the real Punky) has been raging for over a decade.

When Goldberg was shafted from Brewster, she managed to convince executives at ABC to hire her for the network's Saturday-morning pre-cartoon clan AM Posse. Sporting a similar hairstyle and windjacket, Goldberg infamously became the poor-man's Punky Brewster.

Even to this day Goldberg can't let it go. ABC executives recently canned Goldberg's pitch to mount a reality show in which she and Moon Frye compete for the ultimate title of America's Last Denim Superstar.

JoMo Spotted with Britney Houston

2008-03-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

No Moore's Joe Moran was spotted at the popular HK lounge this past week with the beautiful Britney Houston on his arm. When UmWho questioned Moran about the duo's alleged romantic attachment, he was coy with his response.

"All I'm going to say is that we've been seeing a lot of each other."

Houston, however, had otherwise to say.

"Who's Joe Moran? I had like twenty five people want to take a picture with me tonight. I'm tiiiired."

Britney Houston's "Lip Gloss" parody video recently topped one million hits on YouTube.

BREAKING: Carlos Morris Fetish Video Exposed

2008-03-20T08:50:00.001-07:00

An angry ex has claimed responsibility for circulating a fetish video on the Internet featuring actor Carlos Morris.

The ex, who wishes to remain nameless, revealed to UmWho that Morris likes to engage in teacher/student role playing. "I released the video to expose Morris for what he truly is... a fetishist... and because that bastard still has my rice maker."

It seems Carlos Morris, who plays the emaciated Dudley on the hit web series No Moore, has been hiding a little more than where he stores fat.

Harrell Hoots in Atlanta

2008-03-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Will Harrell, who makes his first appearance as Todd Blankman in Episode 2 of the new web series No Moore made a bona fide mess of himself at Hooters of Cumberland in Atlanta, GA last week.

Lured into the restaurant by their promise of "clams, wings, shrimp, and oyster roasts" and the relatively low 18.99% annual percentage rate on the new Hooters MasterCard, Harrell proceeded to down three pitchers of Amstel Light and toss countless chicken bones at the top-heavy wait staff.

The pinnacle of the evening, however, came when Harrell donned a red wig, pulled out two silicone falsies from his knapsack, shoved them up the front of his tee shirt (they held quite nicely), and ran through the restaurant screaming "What color are my eyes?" to all the patrons.

Ms. Rita Rufts, a junior high school gym teacher from a neighboring county, recalls being miffed by the experience. "You know, I came here with five especially sweet young ladies from my second period class, expecting a nice, quiet dinner. Then this freak starts running around the place... I just think he's giving my girls the wrong impression of what a real woman looks like. It was just so upsetting."

Harrell was finally escorted from the restaurant after he poked the printed owl on the tank top of an especially buxom waitress named Shyenne. "You know, it would have been fine if he hadn't made that hooting sound," Shyenne recalls. "That's just vulgar."

The security staff at Hooters did show Harrell some mercy, however. Before kicking him to the curb they allowed him to complete an application for the 2008 Hooter Girl competition...and, of course, that MasterCard.

Goldberg Flakes for Psoriasis

2008-03-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

Marissa Goldberg, one of the producers of the web series No Moore, is riding close on the heels of a fellow former-child star, Alyssa Milano. Milano recently showed her support to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) by wearing an outfit made of lettuce, asparagus, and other greens for the animal right group's new campaign supporting vegetarianism. In direct response, Goldberg immediately joined forces with an organization near and dear to her: the South Central Association for Latinos with Psoriasis (SCALP). Goldberg hopes that she will be able to start a new "frenzy."

Psoriasis, better known as "Ew, what's on your arm?" is a common inflammatory skin disease characterized by scaly patches. SCALP, an organization that started in South Central Los Angeles over a year ago, has been trying desperately to secure celebrity endorsements. They feel they've found a solid partnership with Goldberg. Lupe Ramirez, founder of SCALP, commented that "Marissa, a psoriasis sufferer herself, is working diligently to spread our message. Latinos are known to have beautiful skin, and this disease is plaguing our international image."

When we pointed out to Ms. Ramirez that Goldeberg is not, in fact, a Latino, she merely said "That doesn't matter to us in the least. Besides, we all think of her as our own little J-Lo."

Goldberg recently appeared at a fundraiser for SCALP, where she was wearing a patchy red and white dress designed by Liz Claiborne. She took to the stage and sang a rousing rendition of "Jenny from the Block." The audience broke into wild applause as they were showered with millions of tiny white flakes.

Joe Moran Lives Strong

2008-03-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

Joe Moran caused yet another scene this past weekend; this time at the posh Bamboo 52 lounge in New York City. The actor reportedly approached the bar wearing a neon yellow wristband claiming it was open bar. When the bartender informed him that there was no open bar and that he'd have to pay for his drinks, Moran reportedly threw a fit and swiped someone else's Stoli O and soda off the bar.

"I came back from having a cigarette and my drink was gone", said Josh Kresley, 32. "It's disgusting. I have a cold."

Joe was eventually escorted off the premises by the venue's bouncer.

Moran was unavailable for comment, but his publicist released the following statement:

"Joe Moran is a fine upstanding citizen. He always pays for his drinks. The bartender was obviously mistaken. It was a Livestrong bracelet."

Deirdre Flynn Pisses Off Cucumber Growers

2008-03-02T14:53:00.001-08:00

Deirdre Flynn sure does love her veggies.

A video recently surfaced on the internet depicting the Irish-American actor seductively eating a cucumber and whispering three magic words that have sparked national debate: "I love vegetables."

The response from viewers has ranged anywhere from excitement to sheer outrage.

William H. Johnson of the Cucumber Grower's Association released the following statement:

"It's not funny. Deirdre Flynn is an abomination and should be ashamed of herself. We've worked hard to ensure that everyone is aware that the cucumber is, in fact, a fruit not a vegetable. What kind of message does this send to our youth?"

Despite the outrage, Flynn's antics have garnered some positive feedback. "I think its great.", said Juan Cespedes, who works in the produce department at D'Agostino's in Hell's Kitchen, New York City. "Cucumber sales have skyrocketed. They're flying off the shelves. We cant keep any in stock. I've even had a customer ask me to toss his salad for him."

In other news, cucumber prices have risen an average of $0.15 per pound.

Carlos Morris does eat. Probably throws up.

2008-02-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

Carlos Morris, is wasting away. With a 23" waist, the actor/ backup dancer is believed by many to be anorexic.

During a recent investigation, UmWho.com uncovered that Morris does, in fact, eat. We caught up with his co-worker, Eric Lindsay, who had this to say:

"I go to lunch with him sometimes. He actually eats quite a bit... McDonalds, Quizno's, Gray's Papaya. Sometimes he'll be on the healthier side and get Subway, but mostly it's junk food."

Carlos has been known to hoard food and is often spotted pulling half-eaten burgers out of his over-the-shoulder bag.

"I wouldn't be worried about him being anorexic. He definitely eats," assured Lindsay. "He probably just throws up afterwards."

Good to know, but we're still not fully buying it. We'll be watching you C-Los.

Samples Astonished at Tobacco Prices

2008-02-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

"Mistress of the Microphone" Candy Samples has a bone to pick with the tobacco companies ever since she found out the average price for a pack of cigarettes in New York State topped at just under $6.00 in 2007. We caught her in the bushes outside the studio where she is currently shooting episode 2 of No Moore.

“I’m an actress,” croons Samples. “I can’t be paying a measly $6.00 per pack. I have a reputation to uphold. Sure, they don’t pay me sh*t on this show, but still…I need to be paying at least $1.00 per fag.”

Samples says that in recent years she's been snubbed by high-end film actresses, stating that “those b*tches get their tobacco imported from Colombia or Guatemala or New Orleans. I can’t even get the name of a dealer. My carpet is the only thing I can get imported. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to me on the circuit? I may as well start smoking the ends of my stilettos.”

Samples chain smoked an additional three cigarettes before returning to the set, quipping “Yeah, I needed that. I just needed one long drag.” Touché, Ms. Samples. Touché.

Joe Moran orders Starbucks at Dunkin Donuts... Coined "Star Nut"

2008-02-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

Is Joe Moran's on-screen bad boy image more than just an act? The actor, who plays the villainous Scott in the new web series, No Moore, allegedly tried ordering Starbucks at a local Dunkin Donuts in Astoria, Queens this morning.

Sandeep Chaudrey, whose name tag reads "Todd", was working at the counter at the time.

"He ordered a venti skinny soy cinnamon dolce latte," explained Chaudrey. "I said, I'm very sorry sir, we do not currently have that on our menu. But we recently added flat bread sandwiches and personal pan pizzas."

With that, Moran grabbed a handful of Splenda from the counter and stormed out.

Joe Moran was unavailable for comment, however his mother confirmed that the story sounds legit. "That pompous ass would order a soy latte," said Mrs Moran. "He's lactose intolerant".