Un giorno da ricordare...

crostino

2012-02-14T23:22:00.000-06:00

A crouton of deer.
:)
This was all I could think about today.

The 14th's got NOTHING on the 13th!

bolle

2012-02-13T20:41:00.000-06:00

Before I forget:
coffee
stroll in the park
chicken tortilla soup
bubbles
chocolate covered strawberries in the driveway*
panko egg plant

Feb 13, my new favorite.

popcorn

2012-02-02T20:00:00.000-06:00

I hate the kernels at the bottom that never get popped. If I wait too long then the whole bag burns. If I don't wait long enough then I'm left with 1/2 a bag of popcorn and 1/2 a bag of kernels. Well, becos I was so bummed about the kernel filled bag I wondered, "What would happen if I stuck it back in the microwave?"

What would happen?

So I rolled up the open end of the bag, placed it in the microwave and within a couple of seconds it was PoPpInG!

Second Bag...I <3 it!

I can't believe that I've been throwing away perfectly good kernels!

Second Bag, all becos I decided not to follow the rules and re-popped the bag. Wow!

Baby steps :)

sospiro

2012-01-31T21:45:00.000-06:00

Do you ever sigh and people ask you what's wrong? Nothing is wrong, I'm just compelled to sigh. Well that's what I did, but instead I just whispered your name. Your name is a breath of fresh air. I felt a little overwhelmed for a minute today and I whispered your name. It felt good. Really good, actually. How is it possible that one letter can make all my worries disappear? Huh? Tell me!

Sometimes I wonder what a cardiologist would think about my heartbeat. Erratic. Definitely. It beats faster when you're around, but also I think it would be slower, calmer knowing you're near. Even when you're not around and you pop into my thoughts my heart rate jumps. <3 <3 <3 <<<<3

pioggia II

2012-01-30T21:36:00.001-06:00

I would gladly watch YouTube videos with you,
I would gladly study with you,
I would gladly listen to vinyl records with you,
I would gladly eat a veggie patty sandwich with you,
But mostly
I would gladly stand in the rain with you again.
anytime,
anywhere.

guarire

2012-01-24T21:50:00.001-06:00

Y nadie sabe por qué un día el amor nace
Ni sabe nadie por qué muere el amor un día...

Y volverás a esperanzarte
Y luego a desesperar
Y cuando menos lo esperes
Tu corazón va a sanar
Va a sanar
Va a sanar
Y va a volver a quebrarse
Mientras le toque pulsar

fortuna II

2012-01-20T20:35:00.001-06:00

Found this in my cookie tonight!

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sogni e le aspirazioni

2012-01-18T18:26:00.001-06:00

I really enjoyed our talk today.

Did I say too much? Was it too soon?

"Too Much? Too Soon?"

You helped to put a lot of my worries at ease. I guess all I can do now is remained focus on my education and career goals and hope that the rest of it falls in place. Like I said, it's nice knowing I'm not alone, but at the same time I want to make sure that we're gonna be okay. It's so close, I can taste it!

We can do this.

aspirazioni

2012-01-16T23:42:00.000-06:00

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting.”

-Buddha

One of my sorority sisters posted this quote on Facebook at the beginning of the month. When I first read it I felt like crying. The thoughts and emotions it sparked were exhilarating. It was a moment of clarity and I hope to live it by the end of this year. I'm so grateful to Anna O. for posting this becos it felt like a sign that was meant for me.

Step 1

I started looking at graduate school and pre-reqs today. It always seemed so unattainable and I was discouraged from looking. Now I'm wondering why I hadn't done it sooner? It's easier than the mountain I had made it out to be.

Step 2

I began the application to register for the Foreign Services exam. I don't think I'm quite ready for the February 2012 test date, but I plan on registering for the June exam.

baby steps.

*update 1/18/12
I wasn't able to say this in person today, but the enthusiasm you had for my snaillike blossoming progress is much appreciated. The reason being becos when I mentioned grad school to Maund his response was "You need to grow up." No exclamation, non-advisory, but more like a stop-fucking-around connotation. When I mentioned the idea and Maund's response to some Trans, Lil Z was floored and said she was surprised at his remark being that this could greatly benefit my career and our standard of living. That's what I thought, and I felt like a kid being scolded for wanting more or something better than what I have now.
So, thank you. Thanks for being my motivation.

-_- II

2012-01-10T18:22:00.002-06:00

i miss you so much more now than before. so unfair.

qualunque cosa II

2012-01-04T23:26:00.000-06:00

My hand is cramping. I'm not cut out for drawing on a laptop mousepad.

qualunque cosa

2012-01-03T19:51:00.000-06:00

Messing around with Google Docs.

Buon Capodanno

2012-01-01T11:38:00.004-06:00

¿Cuánto de esto es amor?
¿Cuánto es deseo?
¿Se pueden, o no, separar?
Si desde el corazón a los dedos
no hay nada en mi cuerpo que no hagas vibrar...

I love hearing that ringer.

il mio cuore V

2011-12-31T19:55:00.000-06:00

Taken at the Fredericksburg Brewing Company Biergarten in Fredericksburg, TX. November 2011.

il mio cuore IV

2011-12-30T10:23:00.000-06:00

Taken on the beach of San Felipe, Baja California. September 2008.

il mio cuore III

2011-12-27T18:20:00.001-06:00

Taken outside at work. April 2007.

due mesi

2011-12-22T22:45:00.001-06:00

8 weeks. Eight weeks was all I got.
And I really thought this was it, ya know?

I was trying not to get excited, but even at last week's ultrasound I was happy to see the heartbeat. And even though it was slow I was hoping things would pick up.

Dr. K asked me if I wanted to look at the monitor while he looked and I said no. But I peeked and could see that he was trying too hard to find the little pulse that was so easy to find last week.

I've been trying to keep my mind off things, but I find myself getting sad if left alone too long with my thoughts.

I'm taking a break after this. I need to focus on me for a little bit. If I were happier with myself would I have better luck?

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cinquantenne

2011-12-20T23:33:00.000-06:00

Ever have those moments when you feel like you can't do anything right?
I've felt like that for a while now. A long while.
I wish I could be 50 year old me just to see how life turned out. Just push the FFwd button.

livelli

2011-12-05T19:46:00.001-06:00

Dr. K had me do some bloodwork this morning to check on the pregnancy hormone levels.
Nov 28 - 642
Dec 01 - 2444
Dec 03 - 3769
Dec 05 - 5973

Progress is slow. The numbers are supposed to double every two days. Dr. K says he's hopeful if the numbers are growing by atleast 50%, but I can't help but feel scared.

What's wrong with me? I know he's hopeful, but I think I know too much. I think I'm expecting too much that it's messing with my head. Am I ever gonna have my own child? Is this ever gonna happen for me? Am I that miserable that I'm doing this to myself? What's going on?

Today I am sad.

But today, all was not lost.

guaio

2011-12-04T16:57:00.001-06:00

esasperante II

2011-12-03T22:38:00.001-06:00

Around 18:00 I found a drop of blood and freaked out. I called my doctor and we discussed what/what not to do. The bleeding has stopped, but now I feel sick.

Really? Really? I thought this was it. What could I have done differently?

I lied in bed and felt nothing. Maund tried to comfort me, but I still felt nothing. He knew I had been craving lemon pepper wings from Plucker's and offered to grab some for dinner. I agreed and decided to sit up in bed, but the minute I did so I began to sob. Once I was feeling a little better he took off to get me some dinner.

I kinda feel defeated eventhough I don't know what's going on. I can't give up just yet. Nothing's been confirmed. But still I can't help shake the memory of having breakthrough bleeding and then miscarrying a week and half later. And you know what's not fair, getting to listen to my baby's heartbeat and not hearing it the next week.

Was it stress? Was it working in the path lab for 6 hours straight without taking a break? Was it from hanging out with my cat too much? Was it the humidifier? Was it allergies? What was it?!?! What am I gonna do if this happens again?

Dr. K said to call him on Sunday for an update and possibly go in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. All I can do is wait, huh?

I really miss you.

lvivske

2011-12-02T22:28:00.001-06:00

First thing I see when I wake up each morning...

...Last thing I see when I go to bed each night.

inverno, primavera, estate o autunno

2011-12-01T21:34:00.001-06:00

This morning I picked up my phone to say "Good Morning!" and I had to put it down. "You're an idiot," I told myself.
This is how my day started.
I jumped in the car and this was the first song playing on my iPod...

"Ain't it good to know? Ain't it good to know?"

The next song was Paul McCartney's "(I Want To) Come Home" and then my stupid iPod played Roy Orbison's "Crying." How could it possibly know the mood I was in?

I remember this was the first song I shared with you in our exchange. It was for you, becos you are dear to me. I also remember the joy I felt when I walked into my fav store and saw the music box that plays a snippet of it. It was for you. And when I walked in to find it on your desk I knew it had always been for you.

I also like this song and it means so much more now. I think this video is beautiful.

"I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again."

I don't belive it. I won't quit. I won't give up on you, on us.

In advance, I'd like to say, "Goodnight" and "Good Morning, <3"

un giorno da dimenticare

2011-11-30T19:40:00.001-06:00

So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love.
Wow.
Today, it feels like my world slipped away.
I know I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are.
But I can't hide the hurt inside my broken heart.
But I know I'm not supposed to love you anymore.

"I'll find so many things to do that I won't have the time to think of her.
And then if she's still on my mind I'll try to drink enough to drown the hurt.
And if that don't work...

I'll think of something."

You know the funny thing is I still can't bring myself to bite my nails! That's stupid, right? And all this because you made that remark.

I can't give you what you want right now.

I don't know why I thought I could?

I tried to plan things out, when what I should have done was jumped.

A leap of faith.

It's true, though, you're better off without me.

You can focus on school. Fall in love. Work in something you love! Have babies.

You deserve that more than anyone else I know.

Today you said "there's no one day." I read that as we were closing up the office in Killeen and my heart dropped. Yet another reason to add to the "Killeen cons" list. Nothing good ever comes out of Killeen.

But I don't believe it.

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other.

I will see her every now and then, and...

Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody,

and it's gonna take a long time...

And then it's perfect.

I'm in no rush."

The love that I have for you isn't something that will fade. If anything, it's allowed me to see the changes I need to make. To be happier with myself. To be happier with life, eventhough it feels impossible right now.

I feel sad, lost, angry. At one point I was trying to rationalize things and thought, "He doesn't mean it. It's like pushing someone away when you don't want to. Tough Love." But as I sit here writing, my heart is aching becos I know that's not the truth, is it?

One day, I hope to see you.

I hope to see you smiling back at me.

I hope to look into your kind eyes and see my good friend.

But until then, I'll wait.

Even if it takes another lifetime.

mi dispiace, caro mio

2011-11-29T22:43:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling a little lost. I hope you're doing better than I am. You deserve so much more than this and I'm truly sorry. If you'd like to talk, I'm here. If not, I'll understand...eventually.