Unapologetically Fat: A Study in Happiness

Framing Fat

2013-02-26T17:59:00.000-05:00

Whenever you enter into a discussion about something, you are interacting with someone's frames. These are the person's underlying assumptions about the topic and the world in general which inform their point of view. When answering a person's question directly, you are accepting their frame, even if you are disagreeing with them on the question itself.

For a common FA example, let's take an argument I had with a troll recently in an online forum. Here was the question:

“Why would you choose to be fat when you could be so much healthier?”

We've all seen multiple variations on this question, and the amount of misconception packed into a single sentence can be daunting. If I chose to engage at all with this person, I would begin by unpacking the frame. There are several things going on. In this example, there is a direct, explicit question: “why are you okay with being fat?” But the subtext shows multiple assumptions framing this question:

Being fat is a choice. Wrapped up in this is the assumption that you have conscious control of your weight, and could therefore permanently lose enough weight to no longer be considered fat.
Being fat is inherently unhealthy, and being thin is inherently healthier than being fat.
My weight is this person's business and I have to justify my body size to other people.

So in this one sentence, this person is layering all of these into one package. If I only addressed the explicit question (e.g. “Because I don't think there's anything wrong with it.”) I would be accepting the rest of the package. If I do that, I end up trying to justify my weight while agreeing with the implicit assumptions that permanent weight loss is both possible and desirable. This considerably dilutes my own message, and re-affirms the other person in theirs.

What I should do instead is reject the framework offered by the question. This is actually harder to do, but it comes much closer to answering the question they don't even know they're asking. You are looking for that underlying question or message. Depending on the person or tone, the same question I used above could mean anything from “I'm concerned about you because I'm being told one thing by the media and another thing by you,” to “I think you're less than a human being and want you to know that in order to elevate and affirm my own status.”

Let's assume a forgiving reading of the question, where the underlying meaning is something along the lines of “tell me how to understand this.”

One appropriate answer to this question is, certainly, “I'm sorry, but I don't consider my body to be any of your business.” Of course you can escalate the bluntness as you like. This rejects assumption #3, which underlies the person's belief that they get to even ask questions about other peoples' bodies. Since this is their frame, they may try to re-assert it by either labeling you rude, or pushing the question further. But it's your frame, and you get to defend it.

Another appropriate response is to ignore the question and address the frame directly. You could do so by asking them to justify their frame: “Why do you assume I can't be healthy as I am?” is a good soft opening for dialogue with someone you feel like educating. A more aggressive and direct rejection of the frame might be: “Do you really think, despite decades of research to the contrary and my own personal experience, that significant permanent weight loss is possible for 98% of the population?”

Remember that most people are entirely unaware of the frames they are offering. The exceptions would be people who work in public relations, advertising, and sales. For someone who doesn't use frames professionally, rejecting the framing of a question or statement can be disconcerting because they honestly believed they were asking one thing, and completely unaware that they were asking or saying something entirely different. They may be able to say “that's not what I said,” and you can certainly argue “no, but that's what your words meant, whether or not that was your intention.” Remember, though, that derailing the conversation to the other person's feelings or detailed connotative debates is a distraction to keep from examining the real issue in any more detail. Bring the conversation back on track, or end it. Lead the conversation, don't follow it down a blind alley.

JoGeek vs. The Gluten

2013-02-04T12:58:00.001-05:00

I am spinning off my gluten-free topics into their own blogs, so that this one can focus on social justice activism and body prejudice. If you are following me just for my gluten-free recipes and tips, please come on over to either:

http://jovgluten.blogspot.com/
http://jogeekvsgluten.tumblr.com/

The content is identical, but the Blogspot one will have indexed posts, printable recipes and the ability to comment. Both will have daily recipes, product reviews, resources and tips for gluten-free living, as well as general Celiac and gluten intolerance issues.

Owning Normal

2013-01-21T18:21:00.001-05:00

I want to share this great quote from Jennifer Rowe at Fat and Not Afraid:

"Today however, I want to say no to a bunch of things, specifically the Shoulds. You should lose pounds/inches, be quieter, be nice(r), stop taking up so much room, not wear that, not eat that, suck it in, suck it up, smile, fit in, get over it.

No, I will not. No to all of that. A deep inner voice wants to climb to the top of the closest mountain, and out here I have my pick, and scream NO at the top of my lungs. NO."

-Jennifer Rowe, Fat and Not Afraid

The "Shoulds" are destructive. They are part of a huge societal effort to maintain the status quo using a tool named "normative statements." They are saying, "hey, you're deviating." But in reality, the "norm" being advanced is rarely actually a norm; it is often an individual person advancing the idea that in order to be okay, everyone else needs to be like them. They are "normal" (regardless of how close to average or the majority they are) and if people are allowed to be "abnormal" (relative to them), then it suggests they might actually be abnormal. Of course behind every normative statement is the assumption that abnormal is a bad thing.

In other words, if someone is using the word "should," it is often entirely about their own fears. They are trying to fit in by forcing others to be like them. They are afraid that if you stand out, it will somehow invalidate them and their efforts to fit in. They are afraid that if everybody else doesn't want to be normal, they will lose the meaning normality holds for them. If they base their life and values on what they consider normal, it is vitally important to them that normal exists outside themselves.

The good news is that this is entirely about them. Good boundaries show that nothing in their motivation or words has any actual consequence for you. You can empathize with their fear, but you don't need to take responsibility for it.

Never own other people's norms.

Interview Clothing Needed!

2013-01-15T08:51:00.000-05:00

Lost-n-Found Youth needs your clothes! Specifically business clothes appropriate for interviews for entry level jobs.

Lost-n-Found Youth is one of only a handful of organizations in the country focusing on homeless LGBTQ youth ages 18-25. While approximately 10% of the general population identifies as LGTB, they represent 40% of the homeless population. Many large shelters will not accept LGBTQ youth, or prove to be unsafe for them due to bullying, coersion, or sexual violence.

Lost n-Found Youth runs a 6 bed home in Atlanta, along with a 24/7 staffed emergency hotline for LGBTQ homeless youth. They work tirelessly to get young LGTB people under roofs and help them learn essential life skills to support themselves. One of the primary goals of the program is to get the youth employed so that they can afford their own place to live. Considering the many obstacles they face to employment, it is vitally important that they get off on the right foot at an interview by looking neat and professional.

Lost-n-Found Youth receives so many donations of casual clothing that they don't actually have room for any more and are redirecting donations elsewhere. Meanwhile, they have a critical shortage of interview-appropriate outfits, especially for women, and including plus-sizes. The youth in the program go job hunting every day, but need the following women's clothing to be successful:

dress shirts/blouses/light sweaters
skirts
slacks
dresses
Belts
dress shoes (comfortable for walking)
dressy jackets and suit coats
Nylons/pantyhose (new in package)

Larger shoe sizes would be particularly useful (women's 10+)

While their biggest need right now is for women's clothes, they could still use interview-appropriate clothing for men, including:

Dress shirts
Slacks
belts
Dress socks
suit jackets/blazers
neckties in simple, modern styles

If you're cleaning out your wardrobe and getting rid of anything that a young person could wear to a basic minimum-wage job interview (i.e. those "boring" pencil skirts and blouses you've replaced with something more stylish, or those "other sizes" you'll never wear again) now's your chance to clean out the closet.

If you're willing to ship them to Atlanta, GA please contact me at conklin.email @ yahoo.com for arrangements. Lost-n-Found Youth is a registered 501(c)(3) and can provide a receipt for your tax records if you need one.

All sizes of interview-appropriate clothing are very welcome, and I can do basic mending on items that need it (i.e. seam repair, button replacement, shoe shining, etc.).

New Year's Foodiness

2012-12-31T19:45:00.000-05:00

One of the highlights of spending Christmas with my parents in Florida (besides the salt-water swimming pools and the Siesta Key drum circle) was the visit to Katy Rose Olive Oils in Sarasota. Before any real foodie gets condescending about it, let me say that in southwest Michigan the idea of an oil and vinegar bar is pretty damn exotic, so I was mainly limited to what I could find on the shelf at Meijers.

You walk into this place and it is rows of "casks" of olive oils and vinegars. You can taste each one, and/or they will fill bottles for purchase. Everything they have is gluten-free, and they stock other gluten-free items, such as pastas and candies, elsewhere in the store.

The foodie impulse, of course was "one of EVERYTHING!" I ended up with a large bottle of an herbed olive oil, a medium bottle of a fig balsamic vinegar (so delicious on fruity salads!) and a tiny bottle of the red apple balsamic vinegar. The last is a thick vinegar with a rich, dark tart apple flavor, and I had a specific purpose in mind for it. As soon as I tasted it, I knew it was destined for homemade caramels.

Now the caramels are made, and so very, very tasty. I'll share the recipe, but know that you can either substitute another fruity balsamic or leave out the vinegar and they will still be very, very tasty!

1 cup unsalted butter, cut into small chunks
1 cup corn syrup
2 1/4 cups (lightly packed) brown sugar
2 cups heavy cream (can use whipping cream)
1 teaspoon coarse sea salt
1 tablespoon high quality, thick, fruity balsamic vinegar

Extra butter for greasing

Other handy things to have include a large sauce pan with a heavy/thick bottom, a basting brush, parchment and wax paper, and a 9x9 pan. A candy thermometer is handy, but not crucial. A flat-edge wooden spoon makes an excellent stirrer for candies. A bowl of ice water allows you to test for firmness and brush down sugar crystals on the inside of the pot.

line the pan with parchment paper and use the butter to grease the paper. I used two loaf pans and poured half the batch before adding flavorings (so that I'd have a plain half-batch and a fruity half-batch).

In the saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat.
When it is melted, add the sugar and stir well until it is all incorporated.
Stir in corn syrup and cream
Cook over medium heat for two to three minutes, then raise temperature to medium-high.
Stir constantly until the mixture boils, then reduce back to medium heat.
Keep at an even boil until the mixture thickens (30 minutes to 1 hour), stirring frequently to prevent separation.
If sugar begins to crystallize on side of pot, use a wet basting brush and cold water to rinse down the crystals. They will cause the mixture to crystallize and separate if allowed to stay.
When mixture reaches 245 degrees Fahrenheit on a candy thermometer or a spoonful dropped into ice water forms a firm ball, remove caramel from heat.
Add sea salt and vinegar and stir briskly for a few seconds to incorporate.
Pour immediately into buttered parchment-lined pans.
Allow to cool for several hours or until completely firmed.
Cut into small pieces with heavy duty kitchen shears, a knife, or a pizza roller. Greasing the cutting edge with butter will help prevent sticking. Wrap each piece in wax paper.
The flavor of the vinegar will be subtle at first, but will develop more over time.

Next year, I think, I'll need a bigger bottle.

Personal Note (and kitty health care)

2012-12-29T11:39:00.001-05:00

After a 10 hour drive home from my parent's place in Florida, I woke up Foxie cat and she started crying and walking in circles, bumping into things. The pet-sitter's report from the day before was normal, but at some point in the night or day she had gone completely blind. We found a veterinary emergency room. After $1000 and only five hours of sleep we found out that she has mild kidney dysfunction, which caused her blood pressure to soar, which caused her retinas to partially detach.

There is some hope that with medication she'll regain her sight, but in the meantime the poor thing is completely blind, and had already gone mostly deaf. She's 17 years old, and in fairly good shape for all that. We're assured by many people that (indoor) cats can function just fine by sense of smell and navigate by memory if you're careful not to rearrange rooms. Her quality of life will be fairly good (other than when I'm trying to get her to swallow her pills). But it means we have maybe 2 years left with her. Not the best ending to a vacation, but it definitely could have been worse.

If you have an older cat, make sure that your vet checks blood pressure at the annual checkup. It can have many underlying causes, but it is the most common cause for sudden blindness in cats and can be controlled with medication.

SAAS (Sewing at Any Size) Fatkini Season Bandeau Top

2012-12-13T16:54:00.001-05:00

You can find many more simple sewing projects by clicking the sewing link at the side of my blog.

It's almost here...the frantic messages screaming from televisions and newstands about post-holiday "beach bodies." These next three months or so always strike me as the most actively body-shaming time of the year in our culture. So in response, I say celebrate your beach body! It is your body, as it is, right now. Because people of any size, shape, color, etc. deserve to get out in the sun and sand, or down by the pool, and bare some skin!

To that end, this is the second in my series on Fatkinis. This is a super-simple bandeau-style bikini top. You can find instructions for a halter-style string top here.

First, the measurements.

Measurement A is just above the breast. A good way to find this point is to look where your cleavage starts. Measure around the chest, under the armpits.

Measurement B is from under the breast, over the nipple, to above the breast where you measured for A.

You will need stretchy fabric, but if you have larger breasts you may want to look for something more supportive than standard swimsuit fabric. You can even recycle an old tee shirt, sweat shirt or yoga pants for this. If you use a thin, light-color fabric, get it wet and drape it over your hand in bright light. This will tell you how see-through it will be at the beach. You may have to sandwich several layers of lighter fabric to keep from flashing nips to the world.

Cut a long rectangle of fabric that is Measurement B plus 1" wide, and Measurement A long.

You will also need 2 lengths of string or ribbon approximately 12" long and 4 lengths 6" long. These can be a different material or you can make it from the same material by folding over a 1/2" wide strip, stitching on the long edge, and turn it inside out. Stitch or knot the ends.

Fold all four edges of the long rectangle over 1/4" and press or baste. Fold the edges over again 1/4" to hide the raw edge and use a stretch or zig-zag stitch to hem.

Fold the two short edges over 1" and stitch with a stretch stitch at the hemmed ends, creating a tube of fabric at each end.

Thread one of the 12" strings through each tube.

Tie a 6" string around the center of the top. This will go between your breasts. This is optional, if you want a solid tube-top style instead of a sweetheart top, you can leave this off.

If you need additional support for the top, you can use a much longer string, knot it tight at the center as below, and then tie the ends behind your neck as a halter.

Tie the top on behind your back. On each side, mark the spot directly under your armpit. Take the top back off again, and knot one of the remaining two 6" strings at each armpit mark.

Put the top on again and adjust the ties as needed. When they are in a good spot, make sure you tie them in a solid square knot. If they're in danger of coming undone or shifting, put a few stitches in to hold them in place. You can cut off dangling ends if needed at this point, and use stitches or glue to prevent fraying.

You now have a complete bandeau bikini top, so rock it whenever you please!

Chris Christie Calls out Jon Stewart for Fat Jokes

2012-12-09T18:19:00.002-05:00

Chris Christie was on Jon Stewart this week (December 6). It was a fairly good conversation, but for me the best part came right at the end. Christie actually called Stewart out for previous jokes and comments Stewart had made about Christie's weight. It was fantastic! Here was a fat man on national television telling this respected comedian that what he did was NOT OKAY.

Here's the episode link. The bit I'm talking about starts at 33:54 on the timer and lasts about a minute or less.

Now I have a lot of respect for Jon Stewart as a brilliant, rational man and a mostly compassionate human being. The one place he repeatedly falls down is in weight bias. Not in every episode or even the majority, but he does take up the cheap shot fat joke when it presents. While he didn't actually apologize to Christie (there's a moment when he seems about to, but is interrupted), he was at least given some visibly uncomfortable moments when he realizes that the person he mocked not only listened, but felt. Here's hoping it'll make him reconsider his words in the future.

My Fatshion

2012-12-02T19:07:00.001-05:00

I have just recently come to a stunning, world altering realization: I no longer have to dress for the office.

I know, obvious right? But after spending 10 hours a day, 5 days a week in office clothing for 13 years, it comprises some 75% of my wardrobe. Another 10% is "going out clothes" (with some crossover with officewear) and the rest were camping/cleaning/yardwork style grubbies.

Now I'm a student. Not only that, but I'm an online student. I don't have to get up and put on a conservative skirt or dress and sit in a cubicle all day while I represent a company. I get to represent myself.

This is an amazing thing. When I was a teenager looking to find my "style," it was pre-Internet. We lived in a small town with one available plus-size store (Lane Bryant) and they were back in their conservative, loose-fitting, "woman of a certain age" phase (you know, the styles that got farmed out to Catherines). So as a teenager I was in outfits suitable for a 33 year old office worker. I often just wore things out of my mom's closet. I never got to develop a style, because I was entirely limited to what was available.

Now I can lust after e-shakti dresses and others on the internet. I can wear a man's suit and wingtips out on the town to mess with peoples' gender perceptions. I can push boundaries. Finally, as a 33 year old, I can wear whateverthehell I want.

But I'm not a fatshionista. I don't choose to make high-end clothing labels a priority in my life, and really don't see much of a point in handbags (I own one purse). I am, thanks to the fatshion blogs and others, developing a specific set of styles I want to play with more to see which feel right. I think it's going to depend on my mood of the day. I still love menswear, but high-end formal menswear. I would spend more on a suit than I ever would on a dress. I have my Donna Reed days and my punk days. Maybe my taste will settle into a style, and maybe it won't. But the choice is finally up to me instead of a company dress code. You wouldn't believe how powerful that feels.

So here's a Fatshion pic:

Awesomely geeky tee shirt from Amazon.com. Tweed pencil skirt courtesy of my sewing machine. Extended-calf boots from Payless. This is my "flirty nerdy" look, but really needs some zero-prescription glasses with square black plastic frames. Alas, the low-script reading glasses I got from the dollar store would have been perfect, but they gave up the ghost (and a lens) that afternoon.

New Tumblr!

2012-11-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

I have finally bitten the bullet and started a Tumblr site!

http://unapologeticallyfat.tumblr.com/

It will pretty much be a collection site for the size positive quotes and photos I find around the internet. This blogspot blog will still be where I post articles, recipes and longer writing. The Tumblr site will focus on the positive and constructive site of FA and social activism. While not safe for work, it will hopefully not use up any sanity watchers points either!

Just remember that I'm really new to Tumblr, and may still have to experiment with the layout and other aspects.

A note to the Threatened....

2012-11-27T18:15:00.001-05:00

In response to people who feel threatened by body acceptance for fat people, and feel it is somehow oppressive to thin people for us to love our bodies and demand representation, role models, and a voice....to these people I quote Jon Stewart and say you've "confused the loss of absolute power with persecution." We are taking away your power over our bodies and emotions. That is a loss you'll have to cope with. We're not, however, taking away your power over your body and emotions, or your ability to love yourself. There is no finite amount of acceptance in the world that accepting me creates a risk that you'll be excluded. In fact, accepting me makes it more likely that I will accept you in return, and closing down the monologue of body criticism in your head makes more room for you to have meaningful experiences and connect with others. So think about it. I'm going to love my body whether or not you approve, but accepting it benefits you more than it does me.

SAAS: Sewing at Any Size: Fatkini Season Part 1

2012-11-26T12:30:00.000-05:00

This is my series on Sewing at Any Size, or making basic wardrobe items from scratch to fit any body. Please feel free to print/save for personal use. You can find other patterns and instructions HERE.

It's almost FATKINI SEASON!

Yes we're already hearing about the "beach body" panic from ads and media trying to hock you the latest fad diet, surgery or gym membership. Now here's the best part of body acceptance. Go to a full length mirror and take a look at yourself. THAT is your beach body....right now...with no changes needed! So if it was on some mental list somewhere you can go ahead and check it off and enjoy the holidays.

Maybe you feel more comfortable covering up on the beach, but if you feel up to baring some skin then you should check out the fatkini threads on Tumblr. It started earlier this year, when Gabi Fresh put up a gallery with XOJane of fat bodies rocking their bikini swimsuits. It got a lot of media attention (some good, some bad) and inspired others with bodies of many sizes, shapes and color to post Tumblr pics sporting bikini. It is super-empowering to flip through the images. You can find a lot of submissions using just the Tumblr tagfatkini, but warning; some triggering items are mis-tagged (like weight loss and body-negative posts).

So this summer, I have every intention of wearing a bikini in public, and screw anyone who has a problem with it!

While the XO Jane site has a list of places that sell plus-size bikinis, I thought I'd show how easy it is to sew your own so that you don't have to guess at the fit. These instructions are simple and will work for any size and shape body.

Today's project will be the string bikini top (all bottoms will be addressed in a separate post).

You will need a few measurements:

Measurement A: around your chest just beneath your breasts, where your bra band usually sits.

Measurement B: from beneath your breast to above it, over the nipple.

Measurement C: across your breast at the widest point (up and over like for measurement B)

Measurement D: from the top of your breast to the nape of your neck.

Here's a visual:

You will generally need about a quarter to a half yard of fabric, but if you plan to make matching bottoms you may want to get a full yard. You can use almost any fabric with some stretch for this, down to and including an old tee shirt or pair of sweat pants you want to recycle. You want something that will dry well, and is somewhat chlorine resistant if you plan to be in the pool. If you use very thin, light color material you will want to do two layers unless you really want the world to see your nips.

Note: If you have one breast a different size than the other (whether due to nature or surgery) then just take measurements B and C for both breasts separately and keep track of which is which (Left and Right). If you plan to wear an insert or pad of some kind, measure to include it. If you wear a mastectomy or other prosthesis, you can make two layers and leave one side open as a “pocket” with a velcro closure. Message me if you need help with this.

A Note on Knits

Swimsuit material and other light, super-stretch knits are notoriously difficult to deal with. It slides, stretches out of shape, and your sewing machine really wants to suck it down into the bobbin casing. You'll want to be careful when measuring and cutting to make sure the fabric isn't stretched or distorted. If you pull on it while measuring or cutting the end result will be off.

Since we're working with straight lines here, an easy way to set up the fabric is to use masking tape. When you measure, use 1/2” wide masking tape to outline the shape you want to cut. Place it so that you cut down the center of the tape. This not only helps keep the fabric from distorting when you cut, but it keeps it from unraveling and developing runs. Remove just before hemming.

A sewing machine needle specifically for knits may help if your material is subject to runs, but is not necessary for heavier fabrics like tee-shirt fabric.

When you sew, use your machine's stretch stitch settings (look in your manual). If you don't have a specific stretch stitch, use the zig-zag stitch. Use a thread of similar type as your fabric (cotton for cotton, synthetic for synthetic). Don't bother with the stretchy elastic thread unless you really know what you're doing. I tried it, and the hassle of finding just the right machine settings to keep it from shredding completely outweigh any extra stretch benefit. If you make it to fit your body, normal thread on a stretch stitch will be stretchy enough.

You will want to pick up some neutral-color tissue paper, like you use in gift bags, or wax paper. By placing this under the fabric as you sew and stitching through it, you keep the machine from sucking the fabric down into the bobbin case. It should come out afterwards with a hot water soak and tweezers. If you want to get fancy you can buy water-soluble stabilizer from a fabric or craft store. This saves you some tweezer plucking of paper scraps and simply dissolves in soap and water. I don't mind the extra work, and the tissue paper is cheap.

Making the String Fatkini Top

You will first need a piece that will tie around your chest under the breasts. You can use a ribbon, bias tape, or a piece of your swimsuit fabric for this. Cut it to measurement A plus 13 inches (for tying). Hem or otherwise secure the ends.

If you're making it out of fabric, cut a strip that is measurement A plus 13 inches long by 2 1/2” wide (you can make this wider or narrower as you'd like, but this produces a band about 1” wide).

This gives you about 6 inches of end for tying in the back. If you want a bigger, showier bow then add a few more inches.

Fold the short ends over 1/4” and stitch the hem.

Fold the strip in half lengthwise with the wrong side of the fabric on the outside. Run a line of stretch stitches 1/4” from the raw edge down the length to make a tube.

Use a large safety pin or other tool to turn the tube inside-out so that the seams are on the inside. Stitch the ends closed. This is your chest band.

Now you are going to make the breast pieces. Draw two triangles of fabric where the base is Measurement C plus 2 inches wide and the height is Measurement B, plus 1.5”, plus the width of your chest band (1” if you made it as above).

Start by making a 1/4” hem on all sides of each triangle.

Fold up the bottom edge to the width of your chest band. Sew across, but leave ends of the “pocket” open to thread the chest band through.

Fold down the tip of the triangle 1”. Sew across, leaving a pocket open on both ends.

For the neck tie, you can again use any two ribbons or strings twice the length of Measurement D plus 12 inches, threading it through the open pocket at the top of each breast piece and tying it all behind your neck.

You can also use the same technique as you used with the chest band. Cut two strips of your fabric 1½ inches wide, and the length of Measurement D plus 12 inches. (note: this gives you 6 inches to tie a bow at the back of your neck. If you want a bigger bow then make it longer).

Hem the short ends, then with the fabric wrong-side out, fold it in half lengthwise and stitch along the long end. Turn the tube inside out and stitch the ends closed.

Thread the chest band through the bottom of each breast piece, and a neck tie through the top of each piece. You should get something like this:

If you don't like the double strings around the neck you can use a knot, bead, or bow just above the breast piece to bring them together and make them look like one piece. You could also alter the pattern, so that instead of the breast piece coming to a triangle point, it extends up and becomes the tie itself. This will be trickier to cut and hem, but it is entirely doable. You can also cut a single tie and sew it on at the top of the triangle (in which case you would not make a separate pocket at the top).

So now you have a rockin' fatkini. You can go to town with adding ruffles, beads, fabric paint, etc. to make it your own. You can wear it with a tankini bottom piece, or wait for the instructions on bikini bottoms to make a matching set.

Hiking

2012-11-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

So after a few months of being way to busy to get any exercise, I finally went online and looked for local parks with easy hiking to get back in the game before we tackle something more strenuous. I was really happy to find Big Trees Nature Preserve less than 20 minutes from my house. It has a couple of miles of relatively easy trails (although the hills are "easy" relative to mountains, not good old flat Michigan.) I took a few pictures on my cell phone, and look forward to getting more as the seasons change. It felt so good to stretch out and move again. My joints feel better already. Hopefully by next summer I'll be ready for some days up in the mountains a few hours north, or even some all-day hikes at Mammoth Cave. In the meantime, I know nature isn't everyone's bag, but just spending time in a beautiful place (whatever that means to you) can have a healing effect on the body and soul.

Pictures:

What I love about our move to Atlanta and our final decision to rent a place north of the city itself, is that places like Big Trees and the Chattahoochee National Recreation Area are about 20 minutes away, and so is this:

Ya know...provided there's no traffic. Meaning no later than 6am :-)

Turkey Day

2012-11-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

Due to a shared respiratory bug and a tight work schedule, JD and I ended up spending Thanksgiving with just each other for company. That's actually okay; we haven't had enough of that lately :-) I found myself thankful for many things, but especially for being able to eat, without shame, the holiday food I remember from my childhood. Part of that is FA and getting rid of the baggage and apocalyptic thinking around holiday food. Even at a time when we're supposed to be celebrating we have magazines, commercials and sometimes family heaping on remorse and stress for food choices. Part of that is my recent gluten-free recipe discoveries and experiments. After three years without my favorite Thanksgiving dish (stuffing) I was able to put it on the table, along with rolls and pumpkin pie with a crust. The prep was a little more work, but I was able to sit down with my life partner and eat a traditional Thanksgiving meal without any reminders of food restriction or guilt. I'm thankful for that, because I know not everyone who experiences the holiday does so with enough food, or with supportive people, or with good memories. I haven't always done so either. This year was good.

And by the way, for those who want to know, I used this recipe for the stuffing base and rolls (the stuffing requires about 1/2 cup more broth than you would normally use, 'cause GF soaks up the liquid) and this recipe for the super-flaky, delicious pumpkin pie crust.

Social Justice Bingo

2012-11-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

In the grand tradition of Red No.3's Fat Hate Bingo, I bring you:

With the fun of discussing any marginalized group on the interwebz :=) It is still a work in progress, so please feel free to send suggestions!

If you're not familiar with the concept, whenever you have a discussion with someone about a marginalized group that turns trolly, you can use the bingo card to check off the stale, overworn arguments they use. I'd say that if you actually fill a row or column, you should win and get to instantly end the conversation (it's probably not worth having anymore).

Body Acceptance Favorites List

2012-11-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

I've added a new list to the sidebar, under "Body Acceptance Favorites". Since most of my regular reads are on the Fatosphere or Fat Chat blog feeds already, I wanted to focus on blogs and tumblr streams that are not on established feeds and that focus on underrepresented groups in FA or are representative of the diversity in FA.

There are a few exceptions, and the few blogs on the list that are on one of the existing RSS feeds are my "go-to" blogs that I read regularly even when I skip the feeds.

If you have a suggestion of something that belongs on the list, please let me know! I'll be adding as I crawl through followers of followers :-)

French Bread: The Gluten-Free Holy Grail

2012-11-17T19:49:00.002-05:00

I have actually found and successfully tested a gluten-free french-bread recipe that turns out crusty, chewy, yeasty, delicious demi-baguettes of bread! Mind you, they're closer to the grocery chain bakery version of a baguette than a Parisian one, but the texture is authentically chewy and not gritty or mealy.

When stored overnight in a sealed bag they stay soft and chewy, but lose some crispness to the crust. They stay in great condition for sandwiches and spreads. I have not yet tried secondary recipes like stuffing, but I've made two rounds of french dip sandwiches that soak up the au jus beautifully without falling apart.

Here is the recipe and detailed instructions from the blog Simply Gluten Free:

Easy Easy Easy French Bread

I went to Amazon and got an inexpensive baguette pan for baking, but the recipe includes instructions to make crusty dinner rolls. I would try out the rolls first to see if you like the result before investing in new equipment. The perforated baguette pan turns out beautiful, evenly crusty loaves.

The author is not kidding about any of the steps; make it according to directions at least the first time before you fiddle with it. In the mixer, the dough will start off fairly tough and cling to the beaters or paddle. As the mixer goes, it will aerate the dough and it will settle into a thinner, VERY sticky batter. This might take as long as 5 minutes if you're not using a heavy-duty industrial mixer. If it still looks like it did 30 seconds in, it isn't done yet.

The batter is really sticky (like pate a choux) so use the spatula to shape it. It will cling to your fingers like you wouldn't believe and only soap with hot water will take it off.

Bread has been the one thing I've had the hardest time adjusting to missing with the gluten-free household. Packaged GF bread from the store freezer is dry, tough and crumbly. The GF bakery wants $10 per loaf. I had entirely given up on sandwiches as a feasible food choice. Now I have sandwiches, and potential for stuffing, bread pudding, breakfast casserole and all kinds of goodness!

An Intersection Discussion

2012-11-12T21:39:00.002-05:00

There has been a few discussions and disagreements about intersectionality over the last few years on my blog feeds. Every time a person of color states that they do not feel welcome in FA, feminism, or other activist spaces, they seem to find themselves arguing with people who are coming from a place of privilege.

Please, please start this post by reading Derailing for Dummies as it will save us both a lot of explaining and defining.

Since I also have privilege (although I hope frequently and honestly examined), I will try to write this carefully so as to be respectful. Its been knocking around in my head for some time now, and I feel like I need to get it out there for discussion. If I do end up accidentally spewing some ignorance, I will hopefully catch it in time to correct and/or offer a big apology. I cannot speak for people of color. I cannot set aside my privilege or the effect it has had on my life. I can strive for objectivity, but it an impossible ideal in a human being raised amongst other human beings. All I can do is try to express my understanding at this time.

The communication disconnect in the community seems to occur when a person of color states that they do not feel like they are included and/or visible in some spaces, especially FA and feminism. Well meaning white women often respond by asserting that they are not doing anything to keep out people of color, especially women of color. They're generally not....consciously and deliberately, excluding anyone. The part they miss is perfectly expressed by a man named Benjamin Nugent in his book “American Nerd.” As he says (quoting Ron Eglash):

“The fact that engineers historically tend to be white and Asian males benefits white and Asian males, and not because the engineers are racists trying to uphold a Caucasian patriarchy. 'Voice recognition software works better on men's voices because a bunch of engineers are sitting around in the lab and they say, 'Charlie, come over here, I want to try your voice,' Eglash explains. 'Over time they build that social environment into the software. Camera film was created by these chemists and when they wanted to try it out, they said 'Hey Charlie, come over here,' and Charlie's a white guy, and so in the end the cameras work better on white people because you have all these white people trying it out and fine-tuning it. Not because these guys are racist but because of the social environment in which it's getting created.'”

In other words, (for the most part) the white women in FA aren't consciously, actively trying to keep out people of color. Unfortunately, they tend to interpret any statement that people of color feel unwelcome in those spaces as an accusation to that effect. They then get defensive, because they honestly do believe that they are not racists.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to see the real situation. We assume that because white women feel comfortable in a space, that it should be comfortable for everyone. The problem is that because the space was created by white women, it is based on the experiences, values, language, clothing, symbolism, challenges and aesthetics of white women. They have made the space, so naturally they feel it is a welcoming space. They are welcome there. But because the space does not necessarily reflect the experiences, values, language, clothing, symbolism, challenges and aesthetics of people of color, they express (and justifiably so) that they feel excluded. They do not fit the definition of the space.

Who's Responsible?
If I were walking past Hollister in the mall (or some other super-skinny teen store) and the clerk invited me in to buy their accessories, would I feel welcome? When the clothes, the aisles, the dressing rooms, the shoes, and everything else about the store were made for someone physically and culturally dramatically different that me? If the patrons stare at me and whispered like I'm an alien species? I think the space itself would make me feel unwelcome. There would be nothing for me there, and I would feel like an intruder no matter how friendly the staff tried to be.

I know the situation above is familiar in some sense to everyone in the Fatosphere (or at least imaginable). I've read a lot of rants about how companies don't stock our sizes in the stores, or relegate us to the back of the store, or don't make the same kind of fashions available in plus sizes. When that happens, I very rarely see the blame placed on the shopper for not adapting to what's made available to them. Instead, it is widely accepted that the store needs to take responsibility for making us welcome. They need to change their culture.

But in a similar discussion relating to intersectionality, I see people demanding that people of color (and men) essentially take responsibility for their own inclusion. They are told to come up with ways they can be included or made to feel welcome. They are asked to play educator and privilege police. They are told to go ahead and make it their space, but are derailed and shouted down if they attempt to change it. Worst of all, they are told to “get over it.”

If we want to be inclusive, we are responsible for making the people we want to include visible and part of the conversation. We need to invite and act upon their input when it comes to organizing events and messages. If the scientists in the Benjamin Nugent's quote wanted the voice recorder to work for women, they needed to go and seek out women to test it (even if it was less convenient). Likewise, if we want FA to work for everyone then we need to go and seek out a cross section of people to use and contribute to it. Even if they say things we don't like. Even if their approach, language, aesthetics, beliefs, etc. change the nature of the space. The space needs to change.

Derailing and Denial

When someone is accused of using their privilege to make someone feel unwelcome in the space, it is usually because they are engaging in behavior that is Oppressive Silencing. When it comes to conversations with people of color in FA, the behavior I see most often from the list on the previous link involves delegitimizing the response and/or the person, and shutting down the conversation.

When someone is angry, questioning their anger or their right to be angry is a direct attempt to control them and the space. That's part of what privilege is...the assumption that you have the right and ability to control the world around you. People have a right to be angry, to be hurt, and to be outraged. If your first response to that outrage is to question the legitimacy of their emotion, you are acting from privilege. As Derailing for Dummies says, “by accusing them of hostility, you pass the blame back to them, rather than consider what you might have said that was so offensive and hurtful it caused the 'hostility'” You don't get to decide when someone else's emotion is justified. That's not in your power.

The other problem I see is when conversations about privilege and intersectionality are dismissed. Sometimes people do get angry. Sometimes other people get defensive, angry or hurt by how the anger is expressed. Sometimes that causes conflict in the community. The response then is often to try and shut down the conversation. The problem with that is that then the issue that caused the anger in the first place is never addressed. Sometimes this turns into a cycle where the frustration builds and erupts into a periodic community-wide fight. Sometimes the angry person decides that their voice is never going to be heard, and simply walks away. When the latter happens, the community is not held accountable, and becomes even more insular and exclusive.

If we as a community seek to be inclusive, we must decide to accept anger we do not understand. After all, we are asking others to do the same. When we jump into a fat-hating forum or comment thread, or respond with anger towards a bully, they are often completely bewildered as to where our anger is coming from. After all, they're only treating us as they have been taught to treat us, and expecting us to react according to their ingrained expectations. Of course it doesn't really matter that we're coming from left field for them. Intentions are not justifications. What matters is what their words and actions do to us. Likewise, when we don't understand where the anger of a person of color comes from, our ignorance and intentions don't matter. We are responsible for what our words and actions do to them.

The Solutions?

What can you do to change the space? What can I do? Many of us have personal blogs that reflect our own experiences and life struggles. Some are much more visible than others. While I cannot presume to speak for people of color, I can do the following:

1. Police my language and privilege. I can avoid contributing to the hostility of the space by avoiding language that is exclusive of other genders or people of color. I can actively make an effort to examine my privilege and minimize it's effect on others.

2. Actively read and participate in the conversation on blogs of people of color in FA, even (and especially) when they're not included in the popular feeds. I need to be listening to their voices and engaging, because I'm the one who benefits from exposure to other points of view.

3. Make an effort to be aware and inclusive of specific intersections of race and gender when I address something on my blog. I may not be able to do much with a cake recipe, but if I'm posting photos or news stories, I can take the extra effort to be as inclusive as I can in what I show and say.

4. Research. If I don't understand something, I am responsible for finding the resources to explain it. A person of color is not responsible for educating or correcting me, or serving as a representative. There are thousands of blogs offering a huge diversity of opinions and perspectives on issues affecting people of color and intersectionality. It is my job to seek them out, read them and adjust my own perspective. (You can start HERE, if you haven't already.)

Mine is a pretty small-time blog, and I don't do a lot of community organizing. Those that do have a wonderful opportunity to be more inclusive by bringing in diversity from the very beginning of the planning stage by deciding who to seek out for input, who to invite to speak, whose story to tell or what images are used.

This is an extremely challenging and delicate conversation to have, especially in a space that takes pride in their shared mission of diversity (at least body shape/size diversity). It is difficult to frame a respectful challenge and reminder that even experienced activists still have a lot to learn. We are programmed by our brains to resist change, and it is often painful and exhausting to really examine uncomfortable areas of our own minds. There has been a lot of groundwork laid in the FA community with discussions of privilege, kyriarchy and intersectionality. I think we're ready to really listen to those who have been trying for a long time to discuss some problems with the inclusivity of our space here in the Fatosphere.

The Lies We Tell....

2012-11-05T17:16:00.000-05:00

Greg Hodge at the Huffington Post did an article last month that I'm not linking directly to because of some problems I have with the tone and language. The one thing of value from the article was the data he found by commissioning a survey of male and female internet dating site users from the U.S. and the U.K. More than half of them, he says, lie about themselves in their dating site application.

The part that interests me is not that they lie, but what they lie about.

Number one lie for women was weight, followed (in order) by age, physique, height, money, bust-size, claiming to have a glamorous profession, knowing celebrities, having an assistant or other employees, or working in the entertainment industry.

Number one lie for men was how good their job was, followed (in order) by height, weight, physique, money, seniority at work, how interesting their profession was, knowing celebrities, having an assistant or other employees, and working in the film industry.

(Data from research agency Opinion Matters via Greg Hodge, Huffington Post online article 10/10/2012)

Notice that for men, physical appearance ranks higher than how much money they have, or their seniority at work. I don't know if that would have been true twenty or thirty years ago, but it is a clear sign that men are now feeling strong pressure to conform to appearance ideals set by our society. We are seeing mannequins for mens' clothing shrink around the waist. We are seeing the beauty ideal for men shift to slim, tall and youthful. We are seeing it in rising eating disorder diagnoses in both boys and men.

I absolutely hate oppression olympics, so please no responses debating whether men or women "have it worse" when it comes to body acceptance. Just because one subjective experience is different does not mean we should ignore the other. When we fight for body acceptance, we are fighting for all bodies. The gender that occupies a body is no more a determining factor of it deserving human dignity than that body's waist size or current ability.

Now this is a smallish survey (1000 people) and I have no idea how the data was collected or grouped. It is simply one piece of a pattern that says men share in our body shaming culture to an unprecedented degree.

The Other Kind of Diet

2012-11-03T12:41:00.002-04:00

We talk a lot in FA about diets. In general, we mean diets that restrict food in an attempt to lose weight. However, everyone has a diet. It is a term referring to what foods you eat. It's difficult for me, however, to shake the association with restriction, and all the triggering scarcity thinking and food-obsession a weight loss diet entails.

When I first entered FA, I went through the period most people do, where I ate a lot of the foods I had denied myself in the past. Once I convinced myself that it was okay not to diet, I satisfied frequent cravings for ice cream, pastries, fried foods, and all the other foods assigned negative moral values in our diet culture. After a lifetime of scarcity thinking, I had to prove to my body and brain that I really could eat these things whenever I wanted. I wasn't going to suddenly take them away again. I was actually going to listen to what my body needed. The only way to prove that was to acknowledge my cravings and fulfill them when they happened.

After a while (about 6 months to a year) my body was finally convinced that I wasn't pulling a bait and switch. The food really was going to be available and I really could have it when I wanted. My body started to trust me again. The intense cravings stopped, and I began to actually want a varied diet with food that was good for me. Healthy eating went from a form of punishment (during my dieting periods) to a form of self-care.

Now, my life partner has Celiac disease. For him, a healthy diet restricts any food containing gluten. It also restricts all fast food and most restaurants. Even restaurants with gluten-free menus have often made him sick from minor cross-contamination in the kitchen.

Then there's me. Bread and baked goods have always been a major staple in my life. I've often said that I could live for months on nothing but good bread and cheese and be perfectly happy. If left to my own devices, my ideal meal would be a whole-grain baguette and a wedge of imported cheese, maybe with some wine. Entering into a relationship with a person who gets extremely sick from even the slightest exposure to the major part of my diet has required some adjustments.

We have tried to compromise where I can eat gluteny food when I'm not in the house or with him. It involves careful clean-up including a change of clothes, brush and floss, and face scrub. Even then, there is a period of about 24 hours where the particles of gluten in my mouth make it unsafe for him to kiss me. That is the worst part. I can go out to a restaurant with friends but afterwards I have to spend a day and night actively avoiding kissing the person I love. I have to keep my glass and eating utensils separate. I risk making him sick every time I touch him, in case I have unconsciously touched my mouth.

You would think, considering all this, that it would be an easy decision to go entirely gluten-free myself. It may have been an easier decision had I not spent most of my life betraying my body with an unhealthy relationship with food. It might be easier if I were gluten-intolerant myself, because he has developed unconscious aversions to the foods that made him sick, even as a child when he had no idea what was really wrong.

To me, giving up gluten feels exactly like weight-loss dieting. It means I cannot eat intuitively. It means scarcity thinking, anxiety spikes, deprivation and unfulfilled cravings. Can I convince my body that I'm not betraying it by denying it familiar foods?

Recently, we both discussed it and decided that I was going to try to go entirely gluten-free myself. He has had a few gluten exposures since we moved, and he cannot afford the time and progress lost when he's working 12 hour days in graduate school. I should say we cannot afford it, because the whole point of us coming to Atlanta was to make that happen for him. The risk is too high.

At his end of the compromise, however, he is working really hard to make sure I can make foods available that fulfill my cravings. In a lot of ways this feels like coming into FA all over again. When I started missing belgian waffles, he made sure we could get a waffle maker and I started looking up recipes. (This one is the best we've found so far). We got a stand mixer so that I could do better breads and cakes. We got a toaster so that I could make gluten-free bagels and toast them to be as authentic as possible. He doesn't argue when I say we need to get something that will help me transition.

It does feel just like going off weight-loss diets. I have anxiety and scarcity thinking. I get stressed over foods I can't have. I've probably eaten a waffle every day this week just to prove to my body that I can have them whenever I want. I made three batches of cookies with the new stand mixer, and two dozen bagels in the last two weeks. I'm eating far more bread products now than I did before we decided to both go gluten-free.

The difference is that I've been through it before. I know that if I just take care of my body, let it work through cravings, and prove that I can still give it what it needs, that my eating habits will return to normal. The cravings will ease. Any weight I gain (probably minimal) in the meantime will go away as my body adjusts my energy levels and sends me different food messages. Most importantly, my body will trust me again. And considering the risks and benefits, it's worth it.

Recipe Box: Meringues

2012-10-30T18:31:00.003-04:00

These are gluten-free, fat-free, very cheap to make, and are great if you need something to keep fresh for a long while before a potluck.

You will need an electric mixer. Whipping egg whites by hand is a test of endurance. Even one of the $20 hand-held mixers from Wal-mart will work, even if it takes a little longer than a stand mixer.

4 egg whites
2 cups confectioner's sugar (powdered sugar)
1/4 tsp cream of tartar
3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 200 degrees and line 2 large baking sheets with parchment or foil.

Beat eggs until they turn white and frothy. Add cream of tartar and vanilla, then add sugar gradually as you beat until it is all incorporated. Beat on high (or gradually up to 8 on a Kitchenaid stand mixer) until stiff peaks form. When you lift the mixer, the resulting point should stay sharp instead of folding over.

Spoon mixture into a pastry bag with a large round or star tip. In a pinch you can cut a corner out of a gallon ziplock and use it as a pastry bag, or even just two spoons to make meringue mounds.

Bake at 200 degrees for 2 hours. Switch the sheets and turn them after 1 hour for even baking. After 2 hours, turn off the oven and leave the meringues where they are for another hour to gradually cool. They are more drying out than baking.

If you're in a hurry, you can bake them at 225 for an hour and a half, switching and turning after the first hour. You'll need to watch them carefully for any signs that they are browning on the bottom (best test is the taste test!) at which point you should turn off the oven and let them rest for 30-60 minutes to finish drying.

Store immediately in airtight container.

NOTES:

You can reduce the sugar to 1.5 cups if you increase the cream of tartar to 1/2 tsp, or eliminate the cream of tartar by adding an additional 1/4 cup sugar. Either sugar or tartar is needed to stabilize the whites.

The meringues will not expand any more than they are, so you can set them almost touching each other on the baking sheet if you need the room. I like to make mini-meringues by setting 1" dots very close together. This recipe will fill two baking sheets completely with mini meringues.

You can make meringue "baskets" just like the clay baskets you made as a kid by coiling a long snake of clay. Once they're baked you can serve them filled with something, like fresh berries, custard, or ice cream.

Eggs will separate better cold, but will give you more volume at room temperature. Once you separate the eggs, let the whites sit for 30 minutes to warm and they will whip up higher.

Fresh eggs will give you more stable meringue, 4-5 day old eggs will whip up with more volume (because the fluid is thinner). For this, the stability of fresh eggs is better for handling in the pastry bag.

Play with additives once you have an idea of how the meringue behaves. Try adding 1/4 cup shredded coconut and some almond or coconut extract. Try adding mini chocolate chips and a few tablespoons of cocoa powder. Or maybe a few tablespoons of orange juice. frosting dye added at the soft peak stage will give you colors.

Recipe Box: Flourless Chocolate Cake

2012-10-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

Flourless Chocolate Cake

An extremely rich, dark chocolate concoction with the consistency and taste of a truffle. It sounds (and tastes!) much more complex than it is, and the result is something that will wow the crowd. This is best served with a topping to off-set the intensity of the chocolate. Fresh whipping cream is my choice, but for a potluck fresh berries may be a better pick because the cream may fall unless it is kept well-chilled. Even fresh fruit like sliced bananas would be an interesting twist and complement the chocolate well. cream-cheese frosting or fruit dip may be too sweet for your taste, but try it and see!

The liqueur does not entirely bake off, so if alcohol is an issue try substituting another liquid. Water will give a more basic chocolate flavor, while coffee would add a touch of mocha. A chocolate-compatible fruit juice such as orange, cherry or pomegranate would do interesting things as well. Use water and add 3/4 tsp peppermint extract for a chocolate-mint flavor.

If you use a spring-form cake pan, either wrap the outside really well with tin foil to prevent the water bath from leaking in, or set a large pan of water on the rack directly below the cake pan (as close as possible). The bain-marie adds moisture so that the surface of the cake does not dry out and crack during the long baking.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup Grand Marnier liqueur (see note above for substitutions)
1 cup salted butter (or unsalted, with 1/4 tsp salt added to the sugar/liqueur mix)
3/4 cup white sugar
4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
14 ounces semi-sweet chocolate
3 large eggs
3 egg whites

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F.

start a pot of water to boil. You'll be either setting the cake pan in a larger pan filled with boiling water, or if using a springform pan, setting a pan of boiling water directly underneath it. Make sure you boil enough water to give you a 1" deep "bath" (bain-marie).

Line the bottom of a 10" cake pan with parchment and grease it and the sides lightly. See notes above for using a springform pan. You can make mini-cakes with liners in a cupcake tin, but reduce cooking time to 40 minutes and check it at 30. Remove if the tops look dry or have any cracks.

Place the chocolate pieces in a large glass mixing bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds on high. Stir, then microwave for an additional 20 seconds. Continue stirring until smooth, cooking for an addition 10 seconds at a time if the pieces are not melting after stirring for one minute.

Combine liqueur (or substitute) and sugar in a small saucepan and stir constantly over medium-low heat until the liquid is clear and sugar is dissolved. Set aside.

Soften butter (microwave 5 seconds at a time on high, turning sticks 1/4 turn after each interval until very soft)

stir butter well into chocolate until smooth

stir sugared liquid into mixture until smooth

beat eggs in a separate bowl. Slowly add about 1 cup (doesn't need to be exact) of the chocolate mixture to the eggs while stirring briskly. Then stir the egg mixture back into the main bowl, continuing to stir. This is called "tempering." You are bringing the eggs up to temperature before adding them to the hot liquid. This prevents bits of cooked egg from spoiling the texture of the cake.

Pour the mixture into the prepared cake pan. Fill the bain-marie with boiling water 1/2" up the sides.

Bake for 45 minutes. the center will still look wet when you pull it out, but it will continue baking for a while even after you've removed it from the oven and will set up when chilled.

Leave the cake in the pan to chill. Let cool at room temperature for 30 minutes, then chill for at least 4 hours or overnight in the refrigerator to set.

To remove from pan, let the bottom rest in hot water for 2 minutes. Then use a knife dipped in hot water to run around the edge and loosen. turn over on a serving dish and let loosen/fall. Cut with a sharp knife dipped in hot water between slices. See notes above for toppings/garnish. Store in fridge up to 1 week.

Note: Baker brand baking chocolate is listed as gluten-free as of the 2012 Cecelia's Marketplace guide. Check with the manufacturers because baking chocolates rarely label for gluten.

The Four Agreements of Body Acceptance (Part 4)

2012-10-09T18:50:00.000-04:00

This is part Four of my series applying the concepts from the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz to self acceptance and body acceptance. You can read the previous parts here:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Part 4

Fourth Agreement: "Always Do Your Best" (Don Miguel Ruiz, "The Four Agreements")

The key part of this agreement is the idea that your best is not a constant, because you are not a machine. It is okay if your 100% today is very different from your 100% last week. It is important that you give yourself credit for what you can do today. In body acceptance, your best today might be going to a protest rally, shaming the haters, standing up to every body-negative message you encounter. On the other hand, your best might be getting through your day without actually killing someone.

Christine Miserandino is a writer who came up with what's now called the "spoon" theory. She was using the analogy to describe the very limited energy available to her as someone living with Lupus, but it has since been adopted by many auto-immune and pain disorder sufferers including those with Fibromyalgia and Celiac. She described her day to a friend in a cafe' in terms of a handful of spoons. Each activity in her day costs her one or mores spoons, from waking up and showering, to doing the dishes, to dealing with a friend's trouble. At the end of the day, with one spoon left and many different people and chores bidding for it, she has to make serious choices about what she is capable of accomplishing and what she needs to let go.

The spoons, of course, represent a unit of energy. The energy can be any combination of physical, mental, and emotional energy depending on the person and the day. You may have days when your brain is going a mile-a-minute but you are too physically exhausted or emotionally overwhelmed to really act on your trains of thought. Or, you may be physically restless but feel like you're thinking through a fog. If you do suffer from a disorder that saps your physical and emotional energy, the number of "spoons" you can allot to loving and accepting your body may be very limited.

But everyone, whether or not they have an identified disorder, does have a finite amount of physical, mental and emotional energy each day. Through media, ads, and societal pressure we are sometimes fooled into thinking that it's possible to go through life giving the same or greater smiling 100% every day without fail or discouragement. I have never personally met or heard of a person with no off-days. Have you? I have some days when I feel like I can conquer the world, write a novel and declutter the house in the same afternoon. On those days, body acceptance is easy. I can laugh off negative body messages with scorn and engage the haters with cool confidence. I have other days when a casual fat joke in a television show or a billboard for bariatric surgery will send me into a dark, unshakable, pessimistic funk for the rest of the day. On the latter days, my best is to simply be forgiving of myself, avoid shaming messages as much as possible, and seek out support from loved ones. Most days are somewhere in-between. I suspect that's fairly typical.

So in deciding to yourself what your "best" effort is towards body acceptance, be careful of setting static or absolute goals for each day. People with pain disorders know that they often don't know when a flare-up will arrive until it does, and the rest of us could wake up any morning with a cold, a bad night's sleep, or generally an inexplicably crappy mood. The discouragement of not reaching a goal is the worst possible addition you can make on an already discouraging day. Instead of saying "tomorrow I will accomplish XYZ," it might be helpful to set a sliding scale of goals, where you include some body-love activities that come very easily to you and some that are more difficult. That way, you can decide how much you do based on what you actually can do. On a low-energy day, reward yourself for the little things. On a high-energy day, tackle something bigger. Either way, you find something to feel good about. Just be honest with yourself about what constitutes your best.

The Four Agreements of Body Acceptance (Part 3)

2012-09-27T11:01:00.004-04:00

This is part two of my series applying the concepts from the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz to self acceptance and body acceptance. You can read the previous parts here:

Part 1
Part 2

Part 3

Third Agreement: "Don't Make Assumptions" (Don Miguel Ruiz, "The Four Agreements")

Joy Nash has a great sequence in her YouTube Video A Fat Rant where she stands on a sidewalk and verbalizes the assumption shared by a lot of larger women: "There's no way that guy would be interested in me. I'm fat!"

Then she really addresses the assumption. After all, she explains, there are many different reasons why anyone would choose to talk to someone or not, including the band on the other person's tee shirt. It may have absolutely nothing to do with our bodies, and yet we tend to blame them for every negative encounter we experience.

We have probably all experienced a moment where we made assumptions about how other people feel about us. Maybe a stranger glared or a teenager giggled in our direction, or someone seemed to snub or ignore us. This can trigger a litany of self-criticism and recriminations:

"That staring woman looks really disapproving. I'll bet she thinks I'm too (old/fat/tall/short/pierced/weird)."
"He walked right past me without making eye contact...he must be angry with me about something."
"There's no way that person would talk to me; they must find me repulsive."
"Those teenagers are laughing and looking in my direction; they must be making fun of me!"

Interestingly enough, it has been found that we frequently assign motivations and emotions to people based on very little nonverbal input. We assume a person is annoyed when they speak loudly, when in fact they might just speak loudly all the time. They may even have hearing loss. In addition, we tend to assign more positive and nuanced emotions or motivations to those we like, and more negative and absolute ones to strangers and those we dislike.

This means that if the guy who bumps into you without apologizing is a friend, we are more likely to think, "he must be having a rough day" or "he must be thinking hard about something." If they're a stranger or someone you dislike, you're more likely to simply dismiss them as a rude, insensitive jerk. So when making assumptions about what someone is thinking about you, you are more likely to fill in the spaces with your own fears if you're dealing with strangers.

You are also more likely to assume the emotions and motivations of others are negative if you are feeling negative yourself. This creates a loop, where you are feeling down about yourself, leading to assuming negative judgement about you by others, which reinforces the negative feelings you have about yourself. You create your own negative encounter in your mind without ever actually interacting with the other person.

The good news is that you can break that loop and turn it around.

Golda Poretsky on Body Love Wellness addressed this directly. Her advice is that every time you find yourself wondering what someone else is thinking about you, replace it with a positive assumption. "That woman's really staring at me. I must be looking particularly fabulous today!" or maybe "she's jealous because my burger looks so damn tasty". Or maybe "she's wondering if she can get that top in her size". Or maybe "she's wondering if she should paint her walls the color of my jacket". It doesn't matter what you substitute, as long as it is a positive reflection upon you and your body.

By changing the assumptions to affirmations, you can elevate your mood. This in turn makes it easier to make positive assumptions.

Your homework, if you choose to accept it, is to put this into practice. Go out to a place where you have experienced the negative assumption problem. Notice people who look at you and assign positive emotions (like approval) to their looks. Practice it, because you are forming new habits and they take a lot of practice. Work on catching the negative assumptions and either distract yourself from them or turn them into positives. take careful note of how it affects your mood.

The Four Agreements of Body Acceptance (Part 2)

2012-09-18T15:11:00.000-04:00

This is part two of my series applying the concepts from the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz to self acceptance and body acceptance. You can read part one here:

http://unapologeticallyfat.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-four-agreements-of-body-acceptance.html

Part 2

Second Agreement: "Don't Take Anything Personally" (Don Miguel Ruiz, "The Four Agreements")

This is a huge struggle when it comes to body acceptance. Face it, humans are social creatures and we may even be biologically wired to seek the approval of others. It becomes even more difficult when someone who you should be able to count on for acceptance (parent, child, lover friend) voices negative criticism of your body or self expression.

The psychological concept behind this agreement is Humanistic and has to do with each person having their own personal mythology, or story, that defines our self-concept based on our values, experiences, and goals. Part of that mythology is that we assume, on an almost unconscious level, that other people share our story, experiences, tastes, dreams, and opinions. That is why seeing things from another person's point of view becomes more difficult the more that view differs from our own.

If someone's personal "hero quest" is to reach a certain aesthetic ideal, they are quite often quick to assume that everyone shares in and approves of that goal (or that they should do so). It helps when the aesthetic ideal is culturally reinforced through the media and arts. But the fact that a lot of people share a particular mythology doesn't make that mythology true for you. You have your own, and it is just as true as the mythology of the fashion marketing world.

Understanding where that criticism comes from is a big step in deflecting it. It becomes easier to understand when put in terms of clothing, because our ability to change our clothing makes our fashion image less emotionally fraught than our body image. Let's say that you're part of the biker culture. You wear a leather vest, jeans or leather pants, body art, maybe even piercings. Your very preppy parents ask you constantly (for your "own good") why you can't dress more "respectably." Our culture reinforces that your style is unlikely to bring you wealth or status. You may be rejected by potential partners who make assumptions about you because of your clothing. You get sideways stares in restaurants and malls.

Whose problem is this?

Our society, and individuals who disapprove of your image would like you to think it is your problem and any negative effects your fault. In truth? They are the ones responsible for their own minds and actions.

It is NOT your responsibility to live up to someone else's mythology or expectations. As a friend once said, "what other people think of me is none of my business." Your only responsibility is to determine and live up to your own mythology or self-concept.

Make it part of your mythology that there is nothing wrong with your body or the skin you're in. That acceptance changes reality for you. The more certain you can be, the more you are insulated from other peoples' fear. Because if someone reacts negatively to your body, it is most likely because they have fear. They may fear experiencing (even tangentially) the stigma of a body shape that does not fit the popular cultural ideal. They may fear aging and mortality. They may fear judgement from others. They may fear some ghost of an experience inside their head that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

But it is THEIR fear. You don't have to own it, and you certainly don't have to support it. It is not your responsibility to be universally appealing or well liked. If their fear keeps them from having a relationship with you, then you will find other people without fear. You don't need to engage in scarcity thinking where you examine where you have failed in obtaining approval from this one particular person. There are billions upon billions of people in the world, and among them are people who would approve of you as you are right here and now.

That's what it means to not take it personally. Your mother's concern about your appearance is fear that she cannot make your life free of pain and judgement from others. That stranger's derisive comment is their fear of becoming or being something else, or bitterness that they are no longer something they liked. You can choose to pity the person, or educate them, or ignore them. The only wrong choice is to take on their fear and use it to hurt yourself.