I first found out about Paprika when I heard about the tragic passing of its creator Satoshi Kon. A quick Google search revealed that I was already familiar with the guys work with Paranoia Agent. A critically acclaimed animated series about, well, a kid that goes around on roller-blades beating peoples’ heads in with a baseball bat, or maybe he’s a metaphor for having a mental breakdown, I’m not quite sure…

Satoshi Kon’s film Paprika is about a young woman called Atsubo Chiba who has invented a machine that lets you watch, record and even interact with someone’s dreams for use in Psychiatric therapy. This goes horribly wrong when a prototype version that can affect your dreams remotely gets hijacked by someone and acts of ‘Dream terrorism’ start where they just fire dreams into your brain while you’re still awake. Donning her dreamscape alter-ego ‘Paprika,’ Chiba sets out to get to the bottom of this before the very fabric of reality gets destroyed.

It’s a big concept, and one that’s had head-screw movies made about it before like ExistenZ, The Matrix, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Inception. The stories usually devolve into a faux-philosophical debate about whether we can tell between the real world and the dream one… this movie takes the different tack by not only not caring, but by actually letting you know half the time by making the dreams actually, you know, like dreams!

You’ll know you’re seeing a dream when someone explodes into a torrent of snakes or the floor melts beneath someone and they drop down into a parade of singing fridges. The plot does revolve around the constant threat that you could have seamlessly transitioned between the real world and a dream designed to make you jump off of a bridge, but this movie somehow plays it so much better than any other dream-based movie I’ve ever seen, partly because of the influence of Satoshi Kon, and partly because of the animation.

Satoshi-san (is that right?) really pushed the boundaries of what’s possible in animation, which is anything, literally ANYTHING! That stuff about exploding into snakes earlier may have been a joke, but that was just because I don’t want to spoil anything that’s actually in the movie. Paprika manages to be almost hypnotic in how surreal it is, and I loved it.

The movie is by no means perfect, there’s so much going on that some of it just gets confusing and the English dub suffers from the usual problems you get in translated Anime where some lines will yank you right out of the moment. My favourite bit of the film is the opening sequence where Paprika skips and frolics around in a weird combination of reality and dreams in an absolute triumph of animation and music thanks to the soundtrack by Susumu Hirasawa. Not a word is said, but you see everything you need to know and love our protagonist.

I can’t help but feel my experience of the film was soured somewhat by the hype that surrounded it. I heard it was perfect so many times the imperfections leapt out at me while I watched it. So don’t take my word for it, don’t take anyone’s word for it. It’s not the greatest movie in the universe, but if you leave this world for the next without having seen it at least once, your experience won’t quite have been the same. Because whether you like it or not, in the infinite reaches of the cosmos there’s nothing out there quite like it.

Then I found they had a website…

…And then I found they had a book!

I ordered it from Amazon almost immediately and read it cover to cover. When I read recipe books I can be excited, bored, hungry or just plain confused, but I’ve never been depressed by a cookbook before.

This book isn’t just recipes, oh no. It’s an incredibly useful repository of tips and tricks preparing you for university… Such as a chapter on what to do to prepare for Freshers week, a chapter on what utensils and equipment you should have handy when you get your own place and even a chapter on how best to prepare for your exams…

Whatever you do, don’t read Sorted:  A recipe for student survival if you happen to have graduated recently. You’re gonna be a mix of Marvin and Eeyore for several days. What you read that doesn’t remind you of the fun you had and the friends you made will make you kick yourself for not trying them while you had the chance.

On the other hand, if you’re about to go to university or managed to actually enjoy post-graduate life, you’ll find this a great way to break into any cooking harder than beans on toast. Every recipe has been designed to be easy to make and useful to the student with better things to do than buy organic food from Waitrose. There are recipes like a massive curry that you leave in the oven while you go to the pub or play videogames with your mates and a full English breakfast in a tortilla that you leave in the fridge for when you have a hangover the next morning. The only ones that aren’t there for heavy drinking are there for giving you the energy to study or impress that girl/boy you like. It’s exactly the type of book I’d have wanted when I was young and fresh and wanted to make the rest of the Creative Writing students think I could actually cook.

The book and the recipes are written in a funny, conversational style that you’ll enjoy reading even if you’re not interested in the recipe on that page and the style of the pages themselves with fake beer rings and photographs of students doing studenty things adds another great reason for the book to be an addition to your shelf along with the porn and comics.

They have a second book out already that seems to be a step upwards in complexity from the first, and by the sounds of it I’ll probably enjoy it as much as I enjoy following their website and the videos that they put up regularly with new recipes or random sketches the crew have made.

If you’re new to cooking and still at the stage where normal recipes are a little daunting and you follow them to the letter in case it spontaneously combusts because you used beef rather than vegetable stock or something, then this is well worth a try. If you’re about to go to university, then this book is essential. It has everything you need to feed yourself properly and it’s a great introduction to the best years of your life.

Charles the Osprey, a two-man outfit from Michigan, has produced precisely what I would deem to be an album that is just too batshit to even imagine vocals on top of. Having said that, for a band as tight as this, who cares?
Consider is their first full-length effort, and one that doesn’t shy away from the ethos that sticking to a single formula within a single song is a bad idea. From the powerful and lithe drumming of Derek Lancioni, providing a solid backbone cocooned by the flowing guitar lines radiating from the nimble fingers of Rafael Ohli, they produce a rollicking racket that is hard to believe comes from two men alone. Citing their major influences as Don Caballero, Psyopus, Lamb of God and Bjork, just to name a few, it seems the duo comes from a strong pedigree upbringing of variety, that is, they wear their influences well without being obvious; it, at least in part, explains the eclectic, daring attitude put across on the twelve tracks offered here.

The record kicks off with ‘Scimitar Children and their Rugs’, innocent enough, the relatively melodious tapped guitar backed with drums only slightly off-kilter. The band doesn’t stray too far beyond these constraints, and this could be considered one of their more straightforward songs. It is enjoyable to the last. It is not until the second track on the album, where the band start to loosen up and start introducing the spices of variety to the mix, turning up the heat in the process. From there, they don’t cease – throughout ‘Hornets Don’t Have to Feint’ things are most definitely notched way past eleven – not just in the volume sense, mind. The band leaps from math-rock in one moment, to metal the next, making a passing glance at indie rock on the way back to math. They continue in this manner before hitting an unusual moment in ‘Conversations with the Deacon, Vol. 1’, an acoustic track that offers some relief before the next, presumably heavy wave breaks. Other standout tracks on the album are ‘Alia Pompeii; The Temptress’, an approachable track that is laden with pleasant moments throughout, and ‘Lovecraft! Smile!’ – the guitar at the beginning of which is reminiscent of the arpeggios employed by Muse, strangely.
Looking at other two-piece instrumental acts, Hella, for example, or perhaps even El Ten Eleven, I haven’t really seen this level of variety before, at least in terms of crossing genres. Normally I would be wary of a mishmash of styles such as this, but musical ability seems to allow the band to reign it in and make it work, sounding  impressive in their capable hands.

CTO are a band that seem comfortable enough, not only as musicians but as music lovers to give a pat on the back and a nod to some of their favourite bands and genres, and somehow, it works. Consider is equal parts angular, cathartic and noisy, and by all accounts a decent album. So, when you’re looking for something energetic and instrumental to try, take Charles the Osprey into consideration.

My rating? 8 out of 10.

Consider is out now on Friction Records.
Mp3: Scimitar Children and their Rugs

Anyway, here’s my round up of what I think is some of the best artwork to have graced the covers of albums over the past twenty years. Enjoy!

15. Deerhoof – Friend Opportunity
As well as being an absolutely cracking album, the simplicity of the cover of the band’s 2004 album is reminiscent of the work of Jean-Michael Basquiat; rough, sloppily painted characters adorn the front in brave and bold colours – tasteful, if a little unsettling.

14. Drummer – Feel Good Together

There’s always something nice about an album that reminds you, both through its music and its cover, of something positive. To me, there’s nothing more positive than seeing a delicious ice cream dessert. Being a greedy man, this is why this album made the list.

13. Tortoise – Millions Now Living Will Never Die
One of the greatest instrumental post-rock albums ever conceived, Tortoise’s sophomore release from 1996 also has a pretty awesome cover. Nice understated blues and greys, minimal text, and fish. Could you ask for more?

12. Primal Scream – Screamadelica
Primal Scream changed the landscape of British indie in the early nineties, fusing guitar rock with acid house and rave in an unforgettable clash of styles. The cover of this, their third album, has become iconic and was even made into a stamp by the Royal Mail earlier this year. Not that people are willing to admit it, but that my friends, is rock and roll.

11. A Tribe Called Quest – The Low End Theory
In my opinion the greatest hip-hop group of all time, followed closely by Public Enemy and NWA, A.T.C.Q. created some of the most interesting and intelligent jazz rap out there. The cover for this album, especially in its colours, relates to African, almost tribal imagery that reflects the raw, dry sounds the group used. Interesting to note is the appearance of Ron Carter, the legendary jazz bassist, as a performer.

10. Slint – Spiderland
Sometimes but not always, simplicity is King. In the case of Slint’s landmark 1991 album Spiderland, this is very much the case, with its stark black and white photograph of the band neck-deep in water, taken interestingly enough by Will ‘Bonnie “Prince” Billy’ Oldham.

9. Phosphorescent – Aw Come Aw Wry
I love the use of medieval imagery, perhaps due to my deep interest in the history of that period of time, but maybe because quite frankly, the stylistic possibilities of such simple imagery are many. I could’ve easily made this Fleet Foxes’ debut instead for that reason, but I as much as I love that record, this one is, to me, even better.

8. Foxhole – Push/Pull EP
The Kentucky-based mostly instrumental band Foxhole produced this EP for Burnt Toast Vinyl in 2006. The music within is interesting, multi-textural and the band are extremely proficient, but one of the things that stood out for me was their cover, an extremely simple balloon-shaped bubble rising upward, an interesting cover that reflects their music rather well – uplifting.

7. Papercuts – You Can Have What You Want
The delicate and hazy sound of the songs of Papercuts is one which is not timeless – it belongs rooted firmly in the late 60s, but exists in the present. The cover of You Can Have What You Want certainly looks like it belongs on a poster for a low-budget b-movie from that era; naked, featureless bodies floating, suggesting a kind of tranquillity. Interesting, very interesting. And creepy.

6.  Refused – The Shape of Punk to Come
Although the whole Blue Note Records-esque cover has been done and redone many times over, none work nearly as well as Refused’s effort, not only because it looks great but because of what the album stands for. Blue Note released some of the best, most influential artists ever to work in music, and with The Shape… Refused created something truly pioneering, original and revolutionary.

5. Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy – I See A Darkness
Will Oldham is, in a word, eclectic. How is it that he can follow up on a bright, folky and breathy album like Joya with something as dark, brooding and shadowy record as I See A Darkness. He’s an artist talented enough to make it work, and he does so with gusto – it turned out, and still is regarded to be his most defining work to date, a wonderful black cloud majesty looms over gorgeous songs throughout. And the cover couldn’t have been more appropriate.

4. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Déjà Vu (1994 CD Edition)
Their first, and arguably greatest album, Déjà Vu marked a turning point in American folk rock music (not least because only half of them were American) but also because of the meticulous attention to detail in the production that was rarely seen in the genre until then. For the hours put into recording it, however, the result is superb. It is a landmark classic album, and its artwork simple and instantly recognisable.

3. The Meters – Fire on the Bayou (2000 CD Edition)
The New Orleans scene has always piqued my interest, but it was The Meters who truly turned me on to the scene, especially with their later work with Allen Toussaint. From beginning to end, Fire on the Bayou represents the cream of Louisiana funk; melodic and grooving, the band firing on all cylinders at all times. The cover is simple, and doesn’t detract from the music in the slightest.

2. Sugarman Three & Co. – Pure Cane Sugar
With an album title and artwork like this, Pure Cane Sugar looks like something that should really only be from the mid-seventies. Gimmicky, to say the least. But it’s just so fun, damn it. The band presents an album full of bombastic, raw and dirty R&B-tinged funk. I was torn between this and Soul Donkey, the bands’ previous release, which is simply ridiculous.

1. Larry Young – Unity (The Rudy Van Gelder Edition)
You’ve got to hand it to Reid Miles; he made a name for himself creating some of the most well-regarded jazz album covers of the last sixty years, despite not actually liking jazz all that much. It seems amazing how well he was able to tap into the moods of the artists so well as to be able to create incredibly simple, Bauhaus-esque covers that conveyed so well the music that lay within. In this case, Larry Young’s innovative and experimental organ-led jazz, breaking into fascinating new territories within the post-bop genre. A true classic, both musically and visually.

Well, that just about rounds up the list. Feel cheated that some of the classics weren’t listed? Comment! And no, I wasn’t even tempted to put Dark Side of the Moon on this.

In my usual formula, before I start bashing, let’s get the good points out of the way. This film is entertaining, very funny and is definitely going to stand out as one of the better films offered up by the summer of 2010 (Piranah 3D? Uh, no thanks!)  It is also, or so I am told, pretty loyal to the original show in terms of tone, character and story. Liam Neeson is the only instantly recognisable actor among the ensemble, but the others hold their own and probably do the original characters justice. In fact, I think I probably enjoyed this movie more than my cinema-going companion who had seen the TV shows, as I wasn’t comparing the two.

What I was doing was predicting what would happen about half an hour before it did. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer and so I know the ‘tricks’, or maybe it was pretty transparent to everyone, but I saw nothing unfolding on the screen that I hadn’t already anticipated in kind. Or maybe that was the point – think like Hannibal, always be one step ahead, have an idea, a plan?  I’m willing to give the writers of the film the benefit of the doubt on this one, because it was actually really well written in the grand scheme of things. It just wasn’t clever; the ‘twists’ were about as twisty as MacDonald’s fries. (Hint/spoiler alert: if you don’t actually SEE a character die onscreen, he ain’t dead; and there is NO reason for a two minute long movie kiss, no matter how much you wanted the couple to finally lock lips, except to facilitate the ending the way they did. (Conveniently, the ending, as with most movies these days, seems to facilitate a sequel, should the money crunchers down in Hollywood deem that a good idea. But I digress.)

This film won’t hurt your head like an Inception (which I’ve actually yet to see) or an Ocean’s 11, and second viewings probably won’t yield anything that you didn’t catch at the first. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe that was the point of television shows like The A-Team – they were fast paced and macho and there were lots of explosions and shoot outs, but you could still tune out for 50 minutes and not have to use your head very much. It’s the antidote, which funnily enough actually existed before the affliction, to shows like Lost, which definitely have to be followed and paid attention to. Forget the physics, forget the improbability (or impossibility)of the events unfolding before you; suspend your disbelief for a while, and enjoy. I know I’ve dedicated a while to doing so, but I don’t think this is a film that is meant to be analysed too much. Though, if you ever want to know how to fly a tank…

While it’s definitely a ‘bloke’s film’, don’t think the girlfriend won’t enjoy it just as much. Face is just handsome enough to get us thinking, and we’ll enjoy the personal development of BA as he faces his fear of flying and discovers that it’s okay to “pity the fool”, so long as you do it with compassion (or, “it’s okay to murder, Ghandi said so”, if you choose to take a more cynical approach to that particular message). Heck, some of us might even warm to the female Army agent working against them, thrown in specifically to keep our interest. Those of us who hadn’t already pegged her as exactly such a device that is…

(As a sidetrack, the Family Guy spoof got the flavour and the characters down pretty well, though I personally am not that attracted to Quagmire, and don’t think Peter could give (or take) a good butt whooping as well as Hannibal.)

So, if you don’t expect too much from your films, and want to enjoy two hours of explosions, testosterone and Liam Neeson’s deep deep voice, (and don’t mind painfully cheesy dialogue) then the A-Team is definitely worth the price of a cinema ticket. It will definitely do well at the box office, and will probably hit the shelves just in time for Dad’s Xmas stocking. Watch out for the box sets of the show on special offer too, because these sorts of films inevitably inspire nostalgia in people. I might even give them a look in myself.

If I hadn’t been in such a fragile state that I was terrified at the sight of alcohol I would have played the “Mecha Anime drinking game.” Try playing it next time you watch one of these, I’ll make the full list of rules some time.

Anyway, this series first episode begins on a space station in space that is hosting a massive ceremony over everyone collectively forgetting what year this is and just deciding to start again from zero rather than try to look it up or something. The space station suddenly explodes in a massive ball of fire, hurling the thousands of guests on board into the vacuum of space… Horrifying violence in a cartoon about giant robots, take a drink.

This scene cuts to the rest of the film which takes place ninety six years later and is never mentioned again. Having seen the original series Mobile Suit Gundam I understood the scene… but a series about giant robots should not require you first do research on a thirty year old cartoon in order to understand what the hell is going on.

Screaming while ramming the controls forward, take a drink.

This episode is the first of six and it lasts a full hour… of which we get to know our protagonist Banagher Links for all of ten minutes during which he meets a mysterious girl called Audrey Burne when he sees her plummeting to her death, he catches her using a little flying robot bubble machine thing. Demonstrating the protagonist can drive a robot in a civilian setting, take a drink.

It turns out there is more to Audrey than the ability to manage to nearly die of falling in a zero gravity environment. She tells Banagher to take her to some old bloke for them to talk politics about a macguffin called the Laplace Box and how they have to prevent a war. As soon as Banagher opens his mouth both Audrey and the old bloke tell him to piss off and stop trying to play soldiers… and Banagher says something that I personally hope was a case of really bad translation… This is taken verbatim from the subtitles.

“…For the first time I saw where I needed to be. I don’t care who you are! Just tell me you need me!”

Whoa… Slow down there boy! You’ve known this girl for all of five minutes! The protagonist creepily latching on to the first girl he sees. Take a drink.

Audrey and her stalker.

Thankfully this plays out as it should and they tell him to fuck right off. But a minute or two later the politics of this made up world goes pear shaped and war breaks out between two or three factions that we haven’t seen before and haven’t had adequately explained to us. Innocent civilians being mercilessly slaughtered by giant robots to poignant music, take a drink.

During the chaos and backstabbing between characters we don’t know against other characters we don’t know either, Banagher somehow manages to find he’s accidentally wandered in to a hanger containing a prototype giant robot. ‘Prototype’ robot that is magically better than all the others, take a drink. You’d think that if you were building and testing a superweapon you’d put a lock on the door or something. Banagher finds the old man from before, who explains that he is ‘DUN DUN DUUUUUN’, his father. Estranged father who built a giant robot, take two drinks. The old man puts Banagher’s hand against a fingerprint scanner in the cockpit and tells him that it will only obey his orders now. Giant robot can only be driven by one person for a contrived reason, take a drink. And Banagher finds himself thrown into the cockpit. Main character “accidentally” falls into the cockpit of a machine he’s never driven before and is able to drive it because he’s special, finish the bottle. And then there’s some unimpressive fighting and the episode ends a minute later.

They're not even trying any more.

The animation is good and the music is beautiful at times, but for a series that has space travel and giant robots it manages to be massively clichéd, the action scenes lack any emotion because we have no idea who any of the characters are and the characters we do know are only in it for a short period of time that is spent on fantasy politics.

This new series adds absolutely nothing to the Gundam franchise that hasn’t already been done. Hell, rather than pay scriptwriters to make up anything new, the villain of the next episode is just a cut and paste of the villain from the first series!

The only reason you could possibly enjoy Gundam Unicorn is if you enjoy something purely on the basis that it’s Gundam. In which case, shame on you! Grow some bloody standards! They’ll never learn if you let them get away with this kind of shite!

Drinks taken in this episode: Seven, and the rest of your bottle. Good luck.

.

I am of course talking about Unleashed, which was called Danny the Dog outside the UK and US, probably because it sounds like a heart-warming animated Disney flick, I like to think they were just messing with audiences at this point trying to see how many families they could lure to this film.

The movie stars Jet Li as the sometimes titular Danny who has been raised as a sort of kung-fu attack dog by a bunch of cockney gangsters in Scotland complete with a collar that only gets taken off when he’s supposed to kill people. It’s only when he meets a blind piano tuner played by Morgan Freeman that he finds himself being treated like a human being.

Why is this film set in Glasgow when everyone’s cockney? There’s a bit where Morgan Freeman called a supermarket ‘The best shop in Glasgow’ and I thought he was making a rather witty joke without hammering the punch line that they were actually in London over the audience’s head… But no, apparently American’s don’t care what accent we have as long as we sound quaint and British. I should write a movie set in America where everyone speaks in Cambodian accents and see how they feel.

D'Awwwwwwww!

One thing that quite surprised me about this movie was how few fight scenes there were. I picked this movie because it was Jet Li and I thought it was going to be about him having a magic collar that unleashed his power and let him beat the shit out of people… Instead we’re shown his tortured broken life and how he comes to terms with himself… and then he beats the shit out of people.

I was genuinely impressed by Jet Li’s performance in this film… he actually saves this mediocre, flaccid mess. He’s as brilliant as ever in his fight scenes but outside the combat he conveys a childlike innocence and sadness from his horrible upbringing that I found myself wanting to give him a hug, his performance made me forget that he’s a professional martial artist who could break me with his fingers. Morgan Freeman is rather bland in comparison…

Let me rephrase that.

Jet Li gives a better performance than Morgan Freeman!

Was Morgan on an off day? Did he just decide to phone it in? I don’t know, but he should be ashamed of himself because Jet absolutely outshines him in this film. It’s not his best film, not by a long shot when you have films like Fearless, the Forbidden Kingdom and Hero under your belt. But sometimes it’s the bad movies that really show you a good actor when they don’t have a good script to back them up. Jet Li took this piss-weak film and wrung a captivating performance out of it!

For a martial arts film, it has way too few fight scenes. But the ones that are there are fast, brutal and cleverly done, and it’s not like Jet’s not done other movies with fighting in them. It’s offensively stupid in some parts and you’re better off with Mr Li’s other movies if you have the choice (Kiss of the Dragon is another good one!) But if someone puts a gun to your head or something, you could do much worse.

What I got was one of the most interesting shows this year. Think Muppets, but filthy and with an anarchic Family Guy twang thrown in for good measure and you’re half way there.

The show follows the misadventures of animals like the metrosexal fox Nelson having a forbidden romance with a chicken, Marion the Persian cat facing surgical castration at the vets or the dippy Afghan Hound Destiny trying to get sent to a dog obedience class to try and get with the bad dogs. And there’s a musical number where a cockney fox sings a song called “F**k the chickens.” Where he compares them to illegal immigrants…

Yeah, it’s not exactly got a cogent, linear plot. But that never stopped people watching Family Guy. It’s the jokes that matter. So the question is, is it funny?

Oh… Hell… Yes!

I knew I was going to have at least a few laughs when I saw one of the trailer clips about poor Marion’s plight which left me laughing helplessly for a good minute.

Just see for yourself.

This show has some serious teeth, and it doesn’t mind laying into its guest stars like Toby Anstis or anyone they don’t particularly like, like Michael Buble.

The puppetry and effects aren’t particularly groundbreaking, but they do a perfect job of making the jokes funny and the characters likeable. I don’t know why, but I always find myself more impressed by the simpler effects where you can see how it’s done. I played both Final Fantasy 13 and Final Fantasy 6 at around the same time, and I found FF6’s opening more impressive when it cracked out the Mario Kart style faux 3D than any of the shiny CGI shite that FF13 offered. It’s not the size of the budget that counts, it’s how you use it, and The Mongrels uses it to crack a few utterly filthy jokes, who could ask for anything more? Someone like James Cameron or Michael Bay probably would, but they’re twats.

I’ll be watching to see how the rest of this series pans out; if you’re British you can check out the episodes Here on BBC iPlayer. I’m afraid my lovely non-British readers will have to wait for the DVD release in August or see if they have a Hulu release or something.

It’s good to see a series that tries to do something a little different considering the BBC is usually as tight as a ducks arse with the TV Licence money. It’s not the second coming of Firefly or anything, but it’s a good way to spend a Tuesday night if you can get the TV free from Big Brother for five fucking minutes.

These were the thoughts I narrated out loud while playing Alan Wake because I have no inner monologue ‘cos I’m thick!

Alan Wake is a horror/action game by Remedy that follows Mr Wake as he goes to an unusually sinister looking village in the countryside in order to get away from the terribly hard life of being a writer… You know I said I hate writers? I hate it when they think the audience will have sympathy for their problems despite having a job where they literally sit around in their jim-jams and make stuff up. Alan Wake is a best-selling, highly respected author who seems to have the problem that people always recognise him and tell him they love this work… boo, bloody, hoo! He gets in a spat with his wife because she turns out to have brought a typewriter with them on this holiday in case he wants to, you know, do his job, and while storming off he blacks out and finds her gone. And it’s your job as the player to resist throwing this bastard off the nearest cliff, which I failed… several times, satisfyingly. All the while you will be listening to him narrating his own story like a running commentary. Yes Alan, we know you saw the guy swinging an axe, we saw it as well, we were there.

The gameplay is actually not that bad. Remedy have designed an extremely nifty lighting engine that makes some of the best shadows I have ever seen in a game, and most importantly they realised how pointless this would be in any other game so they designed the rest of the game around it. The evil force that has possessed the town of ‘Bright Falls’ (subtle innit) is afraid of the light, so when the darkness possesses the townspeople or inanimate objects you have to find a way to shine light on them, making it possible to kill them. It’s very atmospheric and the game does a brilliant job of capturing the feel of being lost in the woods in the dark. If only there was a way to turn that bloody narration off.

Maybe that’s the real reason there isn’t a PC version? I mean, yeah, everyone says it’s because PC gamers would just download it like the thieving little sods they are, but what if it’s because the modding community might have tried muting Alan’s narration and realised it made the game so much better? Alan’s constant narration reminded me of Max Payne, and it turns out it’s even from the same writer. But while Max’s monologues added flavour to the story and were entertaining to listen to, Alan Wake just feels like you’re playing the game with a voiceover for visually impaired players!

Another twist in the plot is that Alan keeps finding pages of a manuscript he doesn’t remember writing, and they seem to narrate events that happen later on in the story… I’m already ignoring them because I prefer to not have my stories spoiled ahead of time, it would be different if Alan obviously took notice of these and tried to defy them, but no, he just accepts his fate and somehow manages to be surprised when these things happen exactly as they were written! The only time I’ve ever seen this plot device actually work was in Chuck Palahniuk’s Diary which managed to be genuinely chilling and compelling, here it just feels annoying because nothing surprises you.

WHEEEEERES MYYYYYY WIIIIIIIFE!!!!!

The combat in the game reminded me of Resident Evil 4 with the lights turned off, except not as good. I’ve only faced three or four enemies at a time so far and they’ve only been a threat to me when I get blindsided or my magic torch ran out, which rarely happened because I just calmly walked away from the minions of darkness while waiting for my batteries to recharge, not exactly spine-chilling terror. I’m playing on Hard and the only time I’ve used anything other than the pistol you start with was by accident. Resident Evil 4 made you use everything to hand in a desperate struggle to survive, and it wasn’t trying to tell a good story, it was trying to be a good game. I think we can learn something from that.

All in all, Alan Wake makes me feel much the same as Mirrors Edge did. It looked great in the trailers, it had a ton of potential to be brilliant and had a load of great touches, but ultimately it fell flat on its face due to poor writing and a few weak elements. Worth a tenner, but not much more.

Enter Ninja Assassin. A movie that starts with a room of people being killed in the most gruesome ways you will have seen outside a slasher movie, and carries on in much the same way.

The film follows Raizo, a young man who was raised by the ninjas to kill for his clan. The training is brutal and he has flashbacks of the constant torment the teacher put him through in the name of making him a better killing machine. It turns out to have worked too well when Raizo finally decides he’s had enough and sets out to kill every last one of his clan for basically being a bunch of murderising dicks. There’s a woman from Interpol, Patrick from Coupling and about a hundred SWAT soldiers, but they’re not as important because, you know, NINJAS!

It’s a simple enough concept, and an even simpler story, but it’s the execution that matters, in some cases literally.

Your first impression is that Ninja Assassin is gory, really, really gory. But presumably either the props department started to run out of severed limbs and blood or they decided to pace themselves a little more and the rest of the movie tones it down a little with the occasional limb severing and usual blood spraying. It’s still more gore than most other movies nowadays, but it’s still a pity, I’d have loved to see the amount of offal the Saw movies throw around in a movie that isn’t, you know, shit.

The fight scenes themselves are beautifully performed by Jeong “Rain” Ji-hoon, managing to play his killing machine part extremely well considering he was originally famous as a pop star. Can you imagine Robbie Williams or Will Young cutting anyone up with a knife on a chain? I didn’t think so! The action is beautifully shot, which makes sense when the Wachowski brothers are producing it and the writing and pacing manage to make the visceral combat entertaining every step of the way. It’s also surprisingly imaginative for its genre, like having a tense fight scene in the middle of a road suddenly being interrupted by the bad guy being run over mid-fight, which manages to be both surprising and utterly hilarious!

If this movie has a real flaw, it’s that the story is a bit thin in places. It’s implied that Raizo has a major rival in the ninja clan, but since they’re all wearing face masks half the time you can’t really tell who he is and why we should really care. You won’t really mind when you’re watching Raizo fight fifteen ninja at once with a sword in each hand, but it would still be nice to have more than one main villain.

If you were wondering where all the good action movies went in the last ten years, they’re all right here! If you wanted to go back to the glory days of Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone then you owe it to yourself to buy this movie and Shoot Em Up on DVD several times.