But in the midst of all the admiration and accolades that were being lauded to the last of the Keneddy brothers,  it got me thinking…’jeez wouldn’t it have been nice if the old man got to hear all this when he still was alive?’

And that got me to think about Michael Jackson as well. At one time, he was nick-named ‘Wacko Jacko’ and who can forget his infamous baby-on-the-balcony-apartment antics, or his ‘pedophilia escapades’ or the ludicrus claim that he used to sleep in a special oxygen gas chamber?

When MJ died, suddenly millions were crying, millions more were saying what an amazing guy he was, how big was his heart, how much he cared for the underprivlleaged, how he revolutinized the music world, how his music made a difference in everyone’s lives, and how he will be missed.

Gee, if only Michael was alive to hear this…

So why is that do we only say nice things about people only once they’ve died? Is it because we’re just not used to flattering people? Is it because when people are alive, we only look at their faults, and when they’re dead, there’s no point looking at their faults, because these faults cannot be undo, therefore we rather say nice things about them?

Or is it maybe because death is the one thing we fear, and perhaps saying nice things about a person is one way of us coping with that inevitable nature of life?

Something to think about and ponder…

Now whether the story is written in the sense to deliberately portray a typical alpha-male scenario is guessable, but the fact is, we know that some movies are made to reflect the current culture that we live in. Some movies typify the society that we are in.  And my firend, who watched the movie with me, (and who is a girl) also concurred with this fact. Most women actually DO think that men are just about sex.

I guess the problem herein lies in the skewed way of how women think men view love. To women, a man is said to experience love when it comes to sex. So while the common belief that a woman tends to associate love to an emotion, for  a man, love is equated with sex. Having sex is a man’s way of getting love.

Lust Caution!

Our culture today has blurred this line, so much so that we can’t really tell the difference between the two. We don’t really know which is which and how to spot one from the other.  There’s actually two folds to this and they both relate to one another :

Fold 1 : Absence of Love Leading to Lust

Hugh Hefner, Playboy’s founder once commented that the reason he founded Playboy was simply because he did not experience much love growing up.  This absence of love forced Hefner to look for love elsewhere, which led him to founding Playboy, where he could get all the ‘love’ possible. What was more disturbing and sad in some way was, Hefner’s love was a counterfeit, which was disguised in the form of lust.

Too often times we hear lonely young males who become addicted to pornography. While there are many reasons as to why this destructive habit is becomes an addiction to some, for the most part, it is because of lonliness, which means the absence of love.  People often think that women are the ones that long to be loved and cherished, but they often forget that males, guys also need this. Guys need to hear that they are being loved and that they are being cared, that they are being cherished.

Alas, society does not portray these messages when it comes to defining the man. Man is defined as someone who has dominion over his territory, someone who is designed to lead and control the environment around him, and this includes his woman.  Notice how society does not say that Man needs love, rather Man should control his woman, and that woman should satisfy his needs.

And so with all the sensitivity being given to the woman, Man suddenly is left to be the beast, the animal who only has his instincts, therefore if we reduce man to that level, the phrase ‘think with your pants’ becomes quite apt and therefore we view sex as just another physical need, which again becomes disguised in the form of love for the woman.

Fold 2 :  Lust becomes the new form of Love for man

So now, love becomes twisted in the man’s eye and heart, to man, love equates to lust equates to sex.  And because society points us to that direction, suddenly these equations become hard coded into our brains and male human makeup.

The idea of a male being sensitive and longing for love? - That is termed as gay and softy. And because man was not made to be a softy, we are then forced to be the beast who is in control of his destiny¸ and this  means engaging in sexual activity to fulfil our needs. By fulfilling our needs, we become masters or controllers of our destiny. We are in charge. We can engage in promiscuous sex with who ever we want simply because we are men and that’s what we think only about.

Sadly, sex is now merely reduced to something of an entertainment or mere physical gratification

Blindly Playing Along

Having just read all that, you would probably think that perhaps women would think abit different of men? - Hardly the case.  I once had a discussion with my female colleague on this, and she just phlegmatically commented that “all men are interested in is doing IT”.  So it’s not really just merely an Ugly Truth, it’s THE TRUTH (well according to women at least).

The Minority Group

While the perversity of sex is rampant in our culture today, as a guy (who has had his own fair share of dealing with sexual problems), I’m not here to ostracize all the males out there who think this way. Rather I want people, especially the ladies out there to know that there are actually guys who are not about sex at all. I’ve met such guys like this in my own walk of life, and trust me, these are guys who think with their minds and hearts, rather than with their pants.  We want to love a woman the way she is supposed to be loved. We want to also be loved by them and just as we cherish them, to also be cherished by them. We want to lead them, to protect them and to serve them.

Nice guys somehow…will finish last

I guess no matter how much I try to stress that there such amazing and wonderful guys out there to encourage and give some hope to the women out there, I guess a part of me will always think that ‘Nice Guys will finish Last’. It has nothing to do with one’s self-esteem, rather I think it because women at times don’t know what they really want.  They think they do and so they pass up opportunities when a great guy comes along, not even bothering to give the guy a chance to see if things will ever work out, rather simply admitting that “I don’t think this will work out”… for some reason, women (and also man for that matter) are always looking for something else, when sometimes, the right person is standing right in front of you.

Okay I now it’s not really a disease, but I have this major issue when it comes to organization. For some reason, I just can’t seem to reorganize myself. Even if I do try, it would probably last for a couple of days. I’ve read a couple of self-help books, I’ve tried to adhere to a strict discipline, but oh man… within a week I’m right back where I started.

And I figured the reason for this is simply because I’m just too tired to make a change. Consistency has always been a problem for me. Its not like I can’t do it or I am not capable, on the contrary, that’s what makes it all the worse. I know I AM capable of organizing myself and I guess that’s where the difficult part is - getting up and actually doing it.

My office desk is in a cluttering mess (although I must admit it’s not as bad as some others ), my books at home are all over the place, my wardrobe is chaotic, my new house is still messy, and the list goes on and on and on.

Yes I know I’m just rambling away and just throwing a fit here,  but I’m really looking forward to the coming holidays. Heh the whole office is already in a holiday mood! I’m really gonna use this time to really sort out a couple of things, hopefully by the time the holiday is over, I would have already gotten things in order!

That’s all for now…

I know I was supposed to write about Love in my last entry, but I think I will shelf that for sometime, got other things to write about 

We just recently finished our annual Youth camp over the weekend and there was something that took me by surprise. You see, one of my colleagues had actually joined the camp, and I didn’t really know it. In fact I never did think that this colleague of mine, or any of my colleagues for that matter would be interested in God and spirituality

Afterall, these kinda things were usually meant for hopeless cases, those simple-minded peasants who didn’t know how to control their own destiny

Given, the nature of my company’s employees, I had never expected that she would actually be interested in such things. I guess in part it’s also due to previous experience where I once approached a colleague of mine who was attending RCIA whether he would be interested in joining our youth group and because the response was not so encouraging, I kinda deduced that most working people would not be interested.

Afterall, who in their right mind would blow off their Friday nights and weekends to attend church activities?

And so you could imagine the look in my face when I saw her.

What on….

“Hey Prash, so where do I park and register?” she quipped me

“Umm…what are you doing here?” I asked, with my low-tone voice

“Huh?”

“Yeah you can just park there and there!”  I rapidly replied as I quickly snapped out of my astonishment look and begin pointing around.

And so, as the camp progressed, I kept a close eye on her, and I could see that she was transformed by the end of the whole camp session. She even went up to give her testimony, sharing with the audiance on how this camp has being meaningful to her.

I just sat there and wondered how on earth a person like this, (she was my senior by the way), could be so engrossed and impacted by such a camp. I mean fine, maybe I thought it was just one of those ‘feeling high’ things ; you’re all pumped up to serve God and be as close to him and His people as possible.

5 days have already gone,  and I still get text messages from her saying how impactful the camp has been.  While I’m still trying to grapple with it, I think perhaps what I’m really experiecing is a real-live testimony that God can indeed change hearts.  Ever since attending the camp, it seems like my friend has obtained a new lease of life. It’s as though she can somehow ‘breath’ again ; it’s as though she has found new hope in the midst of this calamity world.

While she’s going through her own discovery, I guess I’m discovering mine, and the discovery is simply this - God can change people, and when he does, you’re never the same. Perhaps God is using my colleague as a real testimony that He can transcend beyond corporate walls and career-minded successful people. Of course I have read such stories of God doing so, but never had I come across something like this. Never had I seen a colleague, or for that matter any colleague be so impacted by God.

To me, this is just a testimony, to show and prove that God’s love can penetrate through hearts. It’s a testimony proving that ‘Our hearts will not rest till it rests in God” . It’s a testimony proving that “Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all else will be added unto you”.

It may not have happened to me, but through my friend, God has worked another miracle in my life.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you ; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” - Ezekil 36:26

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, behold he is of a new creature; the old things have passed away and new things have come” - 2 Cor 5:17

But I might have had a life changing thought… and this life-changing thought, call it an epiphany if you may, has changed me in the way I actually see and observe things around me, especially when it comes to people relationships ; more specifically what I ‘m talking about here is love…

More on my thoughts about love in my next entry…

I’ll post my thoughts on this song some other time.

For now…

Enjoy the song, lyrics below :

What cha wanna be - when you grow up
What cha gonna do - when your time is up
What cha gonna say - when things go wrong
What cha wanna do - when youre on your own

Theres a road - long and winding
The lights are blindin - but it gets there
Dont give up - dont look back
Theres a silver linin - its out there somewhere
Everybody wants an answer - everybody needs a friend
We all need a shinin star on which we can depend
N so tonight were gonna wish upon a star
We never wished upon before - (to find what youre
Looking for)
Therell be times - in your life
Ya when you be dancin n shit - but you aint gettin it
But dont get disillusioned - no, dont expect too much
Cuz if what you have is all you can get - just keep on
Tryin - it just aint happened yet
Everybody wants ta be winner - everybody has a dream
We all need a shinin star when things aint what they seem
So tonight were gonna wish upon a star
We never wished upon before - (gotta get where youre
Headed for)

Everybody wants some kindness - everybody needs a break
We all need a shinin star when things get hard to take
So tonight were gonna wish upon a star
We never wished upon before

Yes I am envious of such people, envious of those who don’t have to spend a cut of their pay check on their car ; envious of those who practically get to live rent-free under their parents’ roof with the pretext that ’someday when I have saved enough money I will be my own home’.

I wish I too could sometimes live with my parents, well I guess I should say that in past-tense. Why? Cuz with mum no longer around, and my estranged relationship with my dad, it gets lonely. You sometimes forget what it is to have a home - home just becomes a distant memory. I know I might sound a little melancholic and emotional with my words, but seriously you try losing someone so dear in your life, someone you’ve known your entire life, and you try picking up the pieces and see if you can walk straight.

I am trying, and day after day I struggle. I guess this has what has given rise to my sensitivity of such people who I perceive as “having it all”. I am envious because I used to once a upon a time have all that, the love of a family, the protection of my mom to always advice me in any major decisions in my life.  Now, it seems I have lost it all and for the first time, I feel like an adult, I feel the weight of being responsible for my actions.  While I have great siblings, I still feel the isolation and the lonliness at times. And it’s not their fault, primarily sometimes it’s my own doing, my own yearing for my own kind of solitutde.

But at the brink of losing it all, that’s when I realize that there is hope. That’s when I start counting my blessings. That’s when I start realizing that even though I lost mum, I still haven’t lost Him. Yes My Big Daddy may not be able to come down and talk to me like a mortal soul, but He is still around and He talks… if I let him do so.

And I guess having Him around is one way of my walking through my life. He helps me work straight, though not all of the time and it’s not because He doesn’t want to help, it’s more of me wanting to stand of my two feet. I used to have this same mentality when mum was around. But like I how I used to find comfort in knowing mum would be there to suppport him, somehow I have learnt to find comfort in knowing that He too will support me. I just gotta have faith.  I don’t blame you if you don’t subscribe to this, heck at times I too find it hard to adhere to my own ‘preaching’ but sometimes its through, I mean who else do I have?

O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,”

 ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

 ¹⁷ How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!

 ¹⁸ Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

 ²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.

 ²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?

 ²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.

 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank you lord for being there for me even though I failed to see you  :)

This time around, it’s the latter. Yes I have been extremely busy this past month. July has been once crazy month for me.  My brother and I bought a new house a couple of months back (heh, yeap I didn’t really blog about that!) and July 8th was our moving-in date so yes it was tiring and exhaustive.  Moving into a new place is really a pain!

Then of course all of my weekends were booked as I was involved in a performance play for my company’s annual event. That too was quite tiring but it was nice to meet other people from the firm and we all had a blast during our rehersals and on the actual day itself.

Then came my work.  The 2nd round of system training was scheduled to kick off starting with Kerteh… and that is where I am right now. The training is abit more heavier compared to our Pilot deployment simply because in the pilot, some of the modules were not ready to be deployed so we could only do a few. Now, with all the modules ready to go, We have to teach all the modules in 2 weeks.

After we’re done with Keteh, then we gotta do Bintulu and that will be in August and then it will go on and on and on

So now you know what I’ve been upto and why it’s been quiet around here  :)

The article was an interesting read and the findings somewhat fascinated and reaffirmed my previous held beliefs on happiness (Don’t take life too seriously for example).  I’ve always been interested in ‘the pursuit of happiness’ simply because I like being happy. I love the emotions and positive feelings that are associated with happiness. It’s a “duh!” statement I know, but I am still writing it down because that’s what I believe and like so much about happiness.

I guess maybe to a certain degree, the reason for this is simply because I grew up in a not-so-happy home where fights and arguments were cyclical and had their seasonal operation. It wasn’t that my parents were bad or anything, or that either one had developed a family-breaking habit. The problem was rather (as I adult I see this a little clearer now) that old problems that were raised in the past were just swept under the carpet.  Forgive and move-on was my dad’s modus operandi when it came to fights and arguments.

However mum was the kind of person who needed to talk it out - something dad was crappy at.  Dad didn’t like to hear things out and things would end up just being swept under the carpet rather than being dealt with in a healthy manner. So naturally over time, whenever a volcano would errupt, it would be more devastating than the previous, because the previous unsettled lava would come out with the current erruption.

Hence, that’s why the first tip this article recommends is to have a healthy outlet to let out your negative feelings. Pent-up feelings may be masochistic and manly, but its determining to the mind and body.  Whenever I visit my local pastor to talk about mum’s death and how I’m coping with it, he will always encourage me to “cry it out” and just “let it out” and I would do so unbashfully in his room while he just sits there empathizing with my sorrow and struggle. But I feel better after that, I feel light and with his encouragement I’m able to carry on.

So yeah, having a healthy outlet is good for the soul.

More on the second tip tomorrow

Today though was a little strange.  As I was pouring my angst heart toward my female work colleague on why women always prefer somebody else that they just ignore the interest express from the nice guy who is standing right in front of them.

The discussion was abrupt when I got an unexpected sms. An unexpected text message from her. I was so stunned I told my female work colleague ‘holy crap - she just texted me asking me whether we should do dinner?’

Now before you, my esteemed reader begin with these words… “Easy there buddy, nothing really is happening alright?” Let me assure you, I too thought nothing much of it. In fact I’m just glad she finally sorta ‘reciprocated’ by asking me out for dinner, cuz let me tell you it has been hard on me ever since I broke the news to her.  I felt like a loser, a real loser, I kept asking the question “Am I not desrieable?”

Don’t I have a good career?

Am I not cultured and refined?

Am I not sensitive and at the same time funny?

Am I difficult to get along with?

Am I not strong in my faith?

Am I not strong in my desire to draw others closer to God?

I don’t mean to stroke my ego, but seriously, when I look back at my life, when I really ask ‘Who am I and what do I live for and what am I passionate about?’ I don’t see why anyone would not want to be with me. Again not stroking my ego, I do have my own skeletons in my closet, and I’m far far far from being perfect either.

But the fact she can even admit it means something.

Anyhoo the text message was the last thing I was expecting from her. Based on how we have been toward each other, part of me felt ‘did I just ruin my friendship with her as well?’.  I had stopped initiating conversations with her after my confession as I did not want to be pushy. In fact, I just left her alone while I prayed whether this is God’s will for the two of us.

She too afterall said I need time to pray about it.

But alas I did not have dinner with her as I had already committed my time to someone else.  The good thing is… I didn’t feel bad about it. Maybe it was because I knew I would see her later in bible class. Or maybe because, I just wanted God to take over this.

I did see her in bible class and I saved her a seat, so yay she got to sit beside me.  Once again, my mind was more toward the lesson we were going through that day rather than thinking about her.  Divine intervention? Perhaps…

Later after class, a few of my close friends went out for a late post-bible supper. It’s a trend I’ve kinda started with 2 of my good friends and I am hoping to build on it as it’s always fruitful to share with each other what we learnt for the day.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to her though, instead I just texted her asking her whether she would like to join us.

10 minutes later, she is once again sitting opposite me and yes God did bless the group with a fruitful discussion. Throughout the whole time I was just thinking and thanking God for just taking over this whole thing.  I didn’t feel that arkwardness around her I felt a couple of days back. In fact,  more than anything I was happy she joined us.  My heart was sorta resurrected, but not so much in an eros way, but more so in a filio way.

While I still do like her,  I am still able to see her a sister, as a friend ; something I have not felt before for anyone that I’ve been interested in.  And I’m really happy she sent me that text message asking me out for dinner ; even though it didn’t work out,  I’m glad, in fact thrilled she took a step in building our friendship/relationship.

I’m gonna see her on Wednesday again ; and I’m just going to surrender it to God.  I guess maybe God is working in her, and God is speaking to her heart.  And perhaps maybe God is speaking to me as well in all of this calamity - angst- confused period.

Perhaps what God is saying to me is this :

Take it easy buddy, she already said she’ll pray about it ; You gotta trust in Me… I know what’s best for you… oh and by the way, did you get around to reading what I said in Matthew 6:33?  No? Well yeah why not you just meditate on that for a while…

I gotta say…sometimes I am just proud and thankful to have a God like that…