Uncensored Writing

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Bears Pick Kyle Long

2013-04-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

Now that the NFL Draft is over, it is time for everyone to grade drafts, which is stupid, and yet we all feel like we must do it. It's the reason we overreact to one week of baseball games or a single football game. That's what we do; we jump to conclusions, because despite us having very limited evidence of anything, WE JUST KNOW. What everyone knows right now is the Bears had a poor draft. All that really means is that the internet and ESPN experts did not expect them to go as high.

Here's the thing about every pick in the draft. They are all RIDICULOUSLY good at football. When you read my report on Jonathan Bostic, it is incredibly negative, but then I saw a skill that very few people have, and I could envision why the Bears front office would be excited about him.

Now it's time to break down a big nasty. There's nothing more fun than the play of the offensive line. That is why everyone should read Ben Muth on Football Outsiders. I always wanted to be an offensive lineman. Unfortunately, I am 5'9" and have bulked up to 160 pounds at age 28, so my dream was shattered before it ever began. Kyle Long does not have this issue as he is 6'6" and over 300 pounds. Those are the good numbers. The bad numbers are 4 and 25. 4 is the number of starts he had in college, and 25 is how old he will be turning during his rookie season. Still, let's not get caught up in all that and look at the tape of his game against USC.

After watching the first minute of tape, I realized that it is really hard to analyze guard play. It's a lot of them just holding their ground and me saying, "Well, that looked solid." He does look athletic when he pulls, and he showed a good motor of always trying to find guys to block until the play was over.

What makes it even more difficult is that Oregon runs outside a ton, and runs a lot of zone read plays, so judging a guard when there isn't a whole lot of pounding the ball up the middle makes it even tougher.

His hand work looked like it could use some work as a lot of time he would just try to shoulder bump people in his pass protection.

This was the best play I saw when breaking things down.

He does a great job of sealing off the defensive tackle with help from his center, and then peeling off and getting enough of the safety to help his running back get in the end zone.

Him being 6'6" at guard definitely hurt him at times. Defensive tackles were able to get under him, which made it impossible for him to move them out of the way. I am a fan of a college program that has every great prospect start at guard before moving them to the outside, and it works pretty well for them, but it does make me think that his long-term future is probably at tackle.

So what do the Bears have? Potential. I think he has the skillset to step in and be a near average guard to start off. With his size and athleticism, I think the Bears are hoping that he is able to progress and move outside. This was a pick based a lot on potential. Pick #20 seemed a little early for that, but if everything pans out how the Bears envision, they will look like geniuses. All we can do is wait and see.

Live Blogging the NFL Draft: Day 3

2013-04-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

Day 3 Live Blog is going to be pretty casual. I'll post when there is something interesting going on.

11:07 - Well, I obviously love the Matt Barkley pick. This is probably a surprise to most, but Chip Kelly has already said that his NFL offense is not going to look like his college offense. I truly believe that Barkley was a top-10 talent. People do not understand how bad that offensive line was, but this guy has all the tools to be an impact quarterback, and it was a great pick by the Eagles.

11:10 - Also, why ESPN thought they traded up for Matt Scott made no sense. Nobody else wanted him this early, so they would have been fine waiting three picks.

11:55 - The Rams are having a hell of a draft. Grabbing Barrett Jones in the middle of the fourth round is another really nice pick. Worst case scenario, he's an average interior lineman. He's shown potential for more, and I think he'll be a good player to have in the middle who will have a long career.

12:01 - I forgot to mention that I really want the Bears to take Jordan Poyer. He doesn't measure out well, but he shut down his side of the field in college, which sounds like a good thing for a corner to do. Do the right thing, Bears.

12:03 - I actually really like the Khaseem Greene pick. It probably means that Bostic is being groomed for the middle, which would be bad, but it doesn't definitely mean that. Lance Briggs is getting up there in age, and Emery showed that he does not care about loyalty to players (which is actually a good thing). Greene produced all over the field, and I was surprised to see so many of his teammates go before him. I'm good with this one, Bears.

12:31 - First Lacy, now Jonathan Franklin. The Packers definitely have their running back problems solved, as I like what both of those backs can bring. Their offensive line still sucks, so at least I can hold onto that as a Bears fan.

12:48 - I was going to approve of anyone taking Lattimore in the fourth round. The 49ers is a very good fit, because Frank Gore is getting to the age where he could be falling off. And Kendall Hunter may be solid, but he's no Lattimore. Sure, he's a health risk, but at this point in the draft, the upside is well worth the risk.

1:02 - Denard is another pick I like. He's got a lot of upside if he can show he can catch the ball. I think he is a hybrid player that can be put at running back or wide receiver. With Blaine Gabbert throwing the ball, he'll probably only be a running back, but at least he's a weapon if a real quarterback ever shows up.

1:20 - Unsurprisingly, I like the Cardinals selection of Stepfan Taylor. He was a productive college guy that didn't look great at the combine, so basically he falls right into my wheelhouse of guys I love. He is not fast, but he is quick and does a good job of recognizing the right moves to make with the football.

3:09 - I made lunch and played with the dog, so I am just now catching up on the draft. The Packers continued to draft Hawkeyes, which they seem to do every year. Kampmann, Hodge, Bulaga, Daniels, and now Hyde (plus some others I'm probably forgetting). Please stop doing this. I want to cheer for these guys at the next level, and you jerks are making it impossible.

The Bears made another pick, but I know nothing about him.

Also, I like the Cardinals selection of Ryan Swope. He's legit...as long as he isn't concussed.

5:52 - The Eagles selected Jordan Poyer, which means they stole him and Matt Barkley from the Bears. That's the bad news. The good news is that the only logical explanation to them selecting those guys is that Chip Kelly reads my blog, so that's pretty cool.

Also, I actually am good with the Bears last pick. Marquess Wilson may be a head case, but what wide receiver isn't? At least he has physical talent. In the seventh round, you might as well take a chance.

6:40 - Looks like the draft is over. I'll have more thoughts on Bears picks and maybe a few others in the near future.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Bears Pick Jonathan Bostic

2013-04-27T07:03:00.000-05:00

As I stated during my live blog of Day 2 of the draft, I really wanted the Bears to draft inside linebacker Arthur Brown. He was ultra athletic and all the guy did was make plays. In their never-ending pursuit to try to make me root for another team, the Bears did draft a middle linebacker. Unfortunately, it was Jonathan Bostic out of Florida. I can admit that I knew next to nothing about him, so I checked out his game tape against Ohio State to find out more.

There is one thing that stood out for me when watching this game tape, and that is that I will probably never laugh harder watching film of a prospect. Here's him getting stood up by a fullback.

Here's him getting blocked by a center.

This one is my favorite, as is him just shuffling his feet and hands and then jumping on the pile a second after the runner was already down. I hope he got credit for a tackle on this one.

To be fair, it wasn't all bad, as this was a really nice play where he blew things up without getting any credit for it.

To be even more fair, the tape is from his Junior year. Guys get better, so I took a look at his game against Vanderbilt to check for improvements.

The good news is that you can at least see the athleticism in the guy in this Vanderbilt game.

I was honestly about to just stop watching, but then I saw something that perked me up.

I LOVE the bend he has on that pass rush move. That is a thing of beauty. The Bears are going to be switching up their defense somewhat. With that, he could fit in at outside linebacker better than he does on the inside. The Bears drafted a middle linebacker out of Arizona named Lance Briggs, and everyone thought they were insane, because they already had Urlacher in the middle. Well, that pick turned out okay for them.

He also looked solid in coverage, but diagnosing plays and making things happen from inside just did not look like his cup of tea. If they drafted him to be a middle linebacker, I'm not happy with this pick. But if they put him on the outside and show a willingness to blitz him, I can definitely see him surprising people and having an impact early on.

2013 NFL Draft: Day 2 Live Blog

2013-04-26T18:12:00.001-05:00

No time for introductions; I'm already late on this (All times Central).

6:07 - Te'o just got drafted, which is actually a good pick. I don't understand why people were so low on him. Okay, I understand; it had to do with his make believe girlfriend. But outside of a bad game against Alabama, he played really well in his senior year. At worse, he's a solid starter, and he's shown good instincts which are very underrated in the drafting process. The guy reads and reacts incredibly quickly, but when a 350 pound monster is already on him, no, he's not very good, but few people are. Good for Te'o.

6:09 - Geno Smith goes right after him to the Jets. I had him behind both Manuel and especially Barkley. He's fine at quarterback, but I just don't see anything special from his games that make me believe that he's an impact talent. That being said, he may look like Joe Montana in comparison to Mark Sanchez.

6:23 - The last couple picks were not that exciting. I have an unhealthy love for people named Tank, but I am trying to hide that from the world. Tank Williams was a pro bowl safety in my mind and my mind only.

6:24 - I'm not trying to be a dick, but they need to get former NFL players who can pronounce the names. I had no idea who Mini Wasp was. Still, Raiders be Raidering.

6:26 - Now is as good of time as any that I really want Arthur Brown to fall to the Bears. I love undersized players who just go out and make plays. Oh, I guess in my fantasy land, they might take Matt Barkley too, but I don't see them realistically ditching Cutler.

6:54 - Thank God I was cooking dinner while the Bears just tried to piss me off by drafting a middle linebacker who was not the guy I wanted. I'll try to do more in depth Bears analysis after the draft after I can watch these guys more, but me no happy right now.

6:56 - Note from Lukewarm Jonah: Here's my first thought best player available is trey farquhar

7:00 - It should be noted that Jonah is a proud graduate of the University of Idaho, so that is why he has gotten slightly off the beaten path with his selection of best available. My best available is obviously Matt Barkley. I love me some Matt Barkley.

7:13 - Hey, a super successful team (Ravens) took the player I really liked and wanted the Bears to take (Arthur Brown). I can't wait to count up his pro bowls while cursing the Bears and Jonathan Bostic.

7:15 - Some things I need to address since I was busy eating. First off, the Pepper Jack burger and bacon and cheddar burger from the cheap grocery store both sound like great ideas. They fail in their execution of the ideas.

Also, I really like LeVeon Bell. In my mind, he was close to Lacy, but I think that he will for sure be a good back in the league. I really liked Giovani Bernard the most, but he went about a dozen picks earlier than the Steelers selected.

I would also like to say I have no issues with Jonathan Bostic. I honestly don't know much about Jonathan Bostic.

Wild prediction will be that somebody trades up to the back of the second round to select Matt Barkley.

7:21 - Montee Ball is definitely not better than Eddie Lacy. He's really not that good. All Wisconsin running backs were able to produce, so the only thing that really set him apart was more carries. He was always just very blah to me, he's not real strong, he's not real fast, he's not real great at anything. He's just kind of there.

7:36 - Eddie Lacy is a good guy for the Packers to obtain, but the help he provides Aaron Rodgers is not nearly as valuable what a real left tackle would have provided. Maybe that's why Bill Polian got fired. Actually, that is exactly why Bill Polian got fired; he never got real offensive linemen.

Also, Todd McShay mentioned something about a burn percentage earlier. That's my favorite stupid made-up stat of this draft.

7:52 - Lukewarm Jonah is here full time now: Time to join the live blog, damn the NFL for moving the draft so people with actual jobs can't spend all day watching the draft. Fun fact about me, I've actually been to two drafts, in 2005 and 2007 I waited in line overnight for hours and hours in order to sit in the room and listen to people's names get called

7:55 - LJ: Now onto this pick, Cleveland is up, do they take a QB? Or do they have faith in old man Wheeden?

Hott Joe: I love Barkley, and they already drafted a guy I loved in Mingo, so maybe they try to steal me from the Bears.

LJ: Honey Badger sighting, got to assume he's high as a mother fucker

Joe: When you're high all the time, I think it just becomes normal.

8:00 - LJ: You've got to respect Jacksonville's refusal to take a qb

Joe: They've already got Blaine Gabbert; what's the problem?

LJ: Exactly.

8:02 - LJ: By now I'm shocked more teams aren't taking qbs, great value at this point. I mean if they suck just have him hold a clipboard like Jimmy Claussen and pay them a few hundred thousand

Joe: Eh, there are still a lot of talented guys, and there are major questions about everybody but Barkley. (Tyrann Mathieu gets drafted)

OH SNAP!

LJ: Oh shit

Are the Cardinals planning to win every single game by return?

Joe: At least it's a plan.

8:05 - Joe: Poor Titans, nobody cares about your pick.

LJ: Haha very true, screw you other cornerback who actually played football this year

8:06 - LJ: I want the Jets to man up and take another QB

Joe: I have the perfect pick...Denard Robinson.

8:10 - LJ: possibly the greatest moment of the draft that I got to personally witness was the Jets take a kicker in the second round and shut up all their annoying fans all at once
Joe: To be fair, he did score more points than anybody else taken in that round that year. (I did no research to actually prove that).

8:15 - Joe: So, how many picks will be ignored because of Mathieu? LJ: What's the count now 3? I'll say 5 or 6 Joe: We are at 3. I think we will only get to four. LJ: unless of course a qb gets taken Joe: Mathieu really doesn't have much to say. I feel like teams think their QBs are way better than I personally think they are. LJ: He's got cottenmouth for some reason that's 4 and it was a qb Joe: I know, and ESPN didn't even flinch.

8:20 - Joe: Good lord, like I love the USA and our military, but this draft seems designed just so people don't consistently boo things. And without anger, a crowd really sucks.

8:30 - LJ: I like Keenan Allen a lot Joe: I'm in the same boat. My big concern is his ability to separate. LJ: thought he could have been late first without much effort Joe: He looks like a strider to me, which could make it tough for him to cut and get separation from good corners.

LJ: He's a big boy he'll get plenty of balls thrown his way too

8:37 - LJ: Buffalo is up its Kirk Cousins, I mean Ryan Nassib time Joe: It would be funny if the Bills just drafted three QBs and hoped one was good. LJ: I'm a big supporter of that strategy, I mean one of them will probably be good Joe: As long as one of them is Matt Barkley.

8:41 - Joe: I like the Moore pick at this point. There are question marks, but that sort of production is hard to pass up. And I also like the Jenkins pick. I have a love of large defensive tackles, ever since the good old days of Sam Adams and Ted Washington clogging up the middle for the Bears. I realize the Saints run a 3-4 now, but I still love big d-tackles. LJ: Fair, but the Saints will never be good at defense unless they're trying to cripple someone.

9:10 - LJ: Man this draft has slowed down Joe: Yeah, somebody needs to draft a Hawkeye or Vandal. LJ: Two best football programs in America Joe: Nobody can deny that. Hey, there's a pick I like, getting the band back together.

LJ: Oprah's husband? Joe: Hell yeah, I'd marry Oprah. LJ: me too

9:25 - Joe: Chiefs for Barkley? LJ: I was going to say as a former Kansas City Chief employee I strongly recommend a quarterback unless they still have Stanzi Joe: They do, and Alex Smith. LJ: I know they got Alex Smith It would kind of screw him over Joe: I don't think anyone sees Alex Smith as a long-term answer at QB, except Alex Smith. He would fit in well with Matt Barkley who says he would have been drafted before RG3.

LJ: Good thing KC got a third string running back instead
they have really fallen apart since I left

Joe: Nothing compared to what happened to the Sonics after you left. They couldn't even stay in the city.

LJ: very true same with the Portland Beavers I see a trend

Joe: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Get a job with the Packers.

LJ: oh man that would be sweet they'd move to talahassee in a year or moscow

Joe: Lambeau would just randomly implode.

LJ: yes "randomly"

Joe: Haha, and on that note, I think it is time to wrap this up. At least we can agree that the Packers can go to hell.

Quick Thoughts on the 2013 NFL Draft

2013-04-25T05:37:00.000-05:00

After quarterbacks, there is nothing I love looking at more than pass rushers. There's just a lot to watch, because even on plays where they do nothing, you can still learn things about them. I took a look at guys in no particular order, and it kind of worked out perfectly as we start on a bad note but end on a good one.

I wouldn't touch Ezekial Ansah from BYU. I watched his game against Hawaii, and had he not been circled on every play, I would have had no idea he was on the field. He may be a great athlete, but he has a far ways to go before he is a football player. He rushes straight up, is easily blocked because of that and just kind of keeps pushing forward as his only pass rushing move. He does not read plays well which makes him poor in run stopping as well. On top of this, he is not a good tackler, as he just kind of fell off guys multiple times. I would not touch him until the middle rounds where you can gamble on the upside and hope your coaching staff can help him develop.

On the bright side for BYU fans, even though he was not circled, number 3 jumps off the screen on defense. I looked it up to make sure I wasn't being an idiot, but no, it was Kyle Van Noy who was a third team All-American. That dude is fun to watch. I am very high on him for next year.

Dion Jordan has legit quickness, especially in his ability to change directions. He's got a lot of positive reviews for his ability to cover, and I can see why, because all the athletic gifts are there. He played well against Stanford, but I don't know if this guy is an elite pass rusher. He does a decent job of dipping his shoulder when pass rushing, but he never wowed me in his pass rush skills. I honestly didn't see enough to make a definite decision. I see first round athleticism but not sure if I would want to take him in the top 10 picks.

Bjoern Werner definitely doesn't have the athleticism of Dion Jordan. But he's got a motor. He blocked two guys after an interception against Miami. What really stands out are his instincts. He does a good job of reading and reacting to plays. He's not a guy who bit on things and he adjusted quickly to runs and passes. He's gotten grouped in with pass rushers, but this guy is a 4-3 Defensive End that should not be playing linebacker. Where he's got an advantage over the other guys is power, he was basically able to shuck Seantrel Henderson who is a legit offensive line prospect for next year's draft and get a sack. If I am a 3-4 team, I'm not as interested in Werner, but as a 4-3 team looking for a defensive end, this is my guy in this draft.

After Werner, I decided to watch another "slow" prospect and check out Jarvis Jones's game against Alabama. I love productive guys in college, because it usually translates pretty well to the next level, especially on things like pass rushing skills. Jarvis Jones has a motor. Honestly, he may not be the best athlete, but he is definitely quick. Straight line speed really doesn't mean shit when it comes to pass rushing. His best pass rushing move was using his quickness to the outside and dipping that inside shoulder. He does a nice job of making himself a small target for offensive linemen, which is a skill that definitely translates to the next level. I think he can be a double-digit sack guy at the next level.

Quick side note. Watch this Alec Ogletree play.

That's all I need to see from him for me to want the Bears to draft him.

I watched Barkevious Mingo's game against Clemson. This guy was the opposite of Jarvis Jones as the numbers never seemed to match the scouting reports. In this case, I am definitely going with the scouting reports. He pops off the screen and shows a rare ability to explode right at the snap. There were a few moments where I just went "Jesus Christ" while watching the film. Although his sack numbers were not there, the production was. He caused a ton of hurries and just faced a lot of teams with quick passing attacks where there wasn't much he could do. He's got a good bend when rushing to the outside and he's quick enough to cause havoc when looping to the inside. He also has the makings of a pretty solid spin move as he keeps his body pretty tight in it. If I'm getting a pass rusher in this draft, Mingo is my guy. He's not a traditional 4-3 defensive end like he played in college, but making him a 3-4 outside linebacker or a Leo in a 4-3, similar to Bruce Irvin, would lead to a ton of production. The only concern is his pass coverage skills, because he never had to in college, but the raw material is there for him to at least be passable from the start. Some team is going to be very happy to get this guy on their team.

In full disclosure, I have to admit that I hated Aldon Smith coming out of college, but I feel I learned from my mistake of hating a guy for only making ankle tackles. If it's effective, there is no need to change, and he found a great scheme for his skillset. Still, I wrote this, and I can't completely ignore it, "I was in the middle of writing about Aldon Smith being the worst pick of the first round when, holy shit, Jake Locker got selected one pick after him." The second half of that comment was at least fine. I will still hold my head high on this one forever and ever.

Also, one last note, I am going to try to live blog parts of the draft. Tonight, I am stuck at an event, but I will try to follow along and sneak in Twitter remarks (@HottJoe). Lukewarm Jonah expressed interest in live blogging the later rounds, so we may try and do that. Stay tuned.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: James Vandenberg

2013-04-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

This will be my final quarterback piece, and I admit it's a little unconventional. This is the only time I will scout a high school quarterback, but James Vandenberg, aka Jonathan Moxon is a special case. Let's face it: In Texas, football is king, and no place is that more true than in West Canaan where the Coyotes were led by legendary coach, Bud Kilmer. I say were, because Coach Kilmer was replaced in the second half of the final game of the season by former Coyotes quarterback, Lance Harbor. Since Kilmer had no assistants, they had no issues giving the coaching gig to a high school kid who seems to love racing cars more than football.

Something that I really like about his game is how he gets black guys touchdowns. That was not a staple in the offense before he took over.

There are definitely issues with his offensive line, as his left tackle often passes out from concussions in the middle of plays, but he still works through everything.

One issue I see for him in the future is that he tends to get tunnel vision when targeting his favorite receiver, Tweeter (pretty sure that's a social media nickname).

My other big concern with him is character. This is not what I want to see from my quarterback.

If he can't hit a beer can off his pop's head, then I'm not sure about his ability to lead receivers at the next level.

There were also people questioning whether he had the right mindset when he took over after Lance Harbor's injury. Although his play on the field was impressive, he may have gotten a little carried away with his play off the field where he stepped out on his lady friend for an intimate moment with Darcy Sears. Still, after that initial rendezvous, he seemed to keep his head on straight.

On top of this, he tried to play a game hungover. Not sure if this was an homage to legendary ESU quarterback, Joe Cain, but I've seen Joe Cain, and Mr. Moxon, you are no Joe Cain. Cain is Able.

Still, there's a lot to dream on with that arm. I can't believe he's taking his talents to Brown University, but he could definitely break some of Ryan Fitzpatrick's Ivy League records. This guy is the real deal. Keep him away from booze and the wild women, and he could be a first round pick in a few years.

Wait...what? I was talking about James Van Der Beek and not James Vandenberg? Who the hell is James Vandenberg? Iowa Quarterback? Shit man, he was terrible. Just terrible. Here was his highlight from last year:

A 40 yard pass in a scrimmage where he still couldn't throw a touchdown pass. Shockingly, nobody has cut up a game tape to show his throws. So, yeah, don't draft James Vandenberg.

And since I don't want to end this on a bad note, let's remember one thing...

Mox is a fox.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: EJ Manuel

2013-04-23T20:35:00.000-05:00

Next up on the list is EJ Manuel. I always kind of liked him in the limited times that I really focused on him, but like all of these guys, I figured I would study the tape and see if I could get a little more depth to my knowledge about his talents. He's been rising up draft boards, but is it warranted or is it just desperation? I took a look at his game against Clemson to see what I could find out.

Sets his feet and delivers nice throw to start off the game.

He's got very good mobility. He's not a burner, but he's got speed and is elusive so he can make people pay with his feet.

This pass is incredibly simple but made me happy.

It is a simple swing pass, but he leads his running back so he is moving forward as he catches the pass. It's not like it leads to a long gain, but it probably gets him two extra yards.

He's always looking to lead his receiver which is fantastic. He doesn't always execute it, but even on simple routes, he tries to lead his receiver to make things happen after the catch.

I definitely noticed some tunnel vision from Manuel, which is worrisome. He can really stare down his receiver and never works across the field, so he needs to have multiple options set up on a single side of the field with where his awareness is at right now.

He has good deep ball accuracy.

Overall, I liked Manuel, but I didn't love him. His vision worries me, but most everything else I like. I wouldn't have a problem with drafting him late in the first round. Right now, he's behind Matt Barkley, but I would have him ahead of Geno Smith.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Ryan Nassib

2013-04-23T19:53:00.001-05:00

Ryan Nassib out of Syracuse is a guy who I glanced at his games but could never really watch, because I don't watch Big East football. Obviously, with Syracuse as his school, there are going to be the Donovan McNabb comparisons. I haven't actually heard those comparisons anywhere, but they did both attend Syracuse, and it seemed like a more fitting comparison than Jim Brown or Carmelo Anthony. I decided to watch his tape against Louisville to see what I could find out.

His deep ball was not pretty. Badly underthrew it on his first pass of the game but receive made a good adjustment. His down the field accuracy was just not there at all.

Something small is he is actually willing to throw the ball away when nothing is there. That is not very common in a lot of prospects.

He does a good job of keeping his eyes down the field and going through his progressions but he does look a little mechanical in doing it.

He was more athletic than I expected. Not a great athlete but he can move a little bit.

His accuracy just is not there. Even on short passes, he does not properly lead players, as seen here.

If he leads his receiver on that ball, he's got a touchdown, but he threw it a little behind him, and it nearly got picked off.

Even on this touchdown pass, he does not throw a good ball to make it easy for his receiver.

There's really not much to say. He threw some nice balls but not consistently, and this was supposedly one of his shining moments. He got a good win, but he was not overly impressive in doing so. I really don't see him as much more than a 6th or 7th round pick since he seems to have a strong arm, but there is just too much wrong with him for me to really consider him.

To end on a positive note, he's not as bad as Blaine Gabbert, because nobody will ever be as bad as Blaine Gabbert.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Matt Barkley

2013-04-21T22:00:00.002-05:00

Next up on my scouting excursion is Matt Barkley. Barkley is a very confident individual. He's freakishly cocky, as he stated that he would have been one of the top two picks in last year's draft. He did a decent job with his rhetoric as he didn't say that he would have been drafted ahead of Luck, only that the Colts had locked in on him before he made his decision to go to the NFL or stay in school. I love confidence, but it really helps if you can back it up. The results were not great for Barkley this year, so I wanted to see if he looks better on film than he does on a stat sheet. I looked at the Stanford game to get a better idea of what his strengths and weaknesses were.

The first thing that really jumped out at me is his quick release, as he shows here.

He gets rid of the ball quickly and fits it in a tight window before the defense can adjust.

After watching Geno Smith, it was nice to see a quarterback put some zip on his passes when fitting it through tight windows. Both quarterbacks had very talented receivers, but Barkley had the confidence and the arm strength to fit the ball into tight windows. I have heard the knock that he lacks arm strength, and although it is not elite, it is plenty good enough.

His deep ball accuracy was not as good as Smith's, but he was not missing by much on the few throws that I saw. He's not great, but I also don't see it as a major concern.

It is easy to see the struggles that his offensive line had, which makes it even more impressive how Barkley would quickly set his feet and fire off passes with the pocket collapsing around him.

Marquise Lee is awesome, and Robert Woods is very good, but Barkley helps them out by throwing them passes where they have space to maneuver after the catch. As good as those guys are, he was not helped by his running backs or tight ends in this offense as they missed blocks and didn't turn around when he needed to get rid of the ball quickly.

Also, it looked like his linemen were trying to throw the game. Look at this.

I just feel bad at this point, because that right side of the line just looked awful. I'm guessing the right guard was keyed on the middle linebacker, because he did not react at all to the lineman splitting the gap between him and the right tackle. The right tackle either thought he was taking an outside guy or got off to the slowest start ever. That was just ugly.

He continued to battle, despite constantly being under pressure. Most of his poor looking throws were caused due to him having zero time to set his feet and execute. He has quick feet when setting them for passes, but it is tough to do much of anything when there are people knocking your center on his ass right after the snap.

Even though his feet set quickly, he is not a quick quarterback. He is best when in the pocket, and he looks awkward even when doing simple rollouts.

I ended up watching some of his game against Syracuse just to get an idea of how he goes through progressions. I liked what I saw as he was willing to work through his options quickly before making a decision and firing the ball in there. Another thing that I really liked that many college quarterbacks don't do is looking down the field before throwing screens. It keeps the defense honest and gives the running back more open space to work with.

So, overall, I was really surprised by the tape on Barkley. I was all ready to compare him to Jimmy Clausen, but he's good. He's actually really good. I have only watched him and Smith, but I would be shocked if I were going to rate anyone higher than Barkley. I really like his chances in the NFL, and I will be shocked if he is not selected in the first round.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Geno Smith

2013-04-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

Geno Smith seems to be the number one quarterback on most people's boards. Saying that doesn't mean a whole lot, because this does not look like a draft where a QB is going to be drafted in the top ten. Still, Jake Locker was the 8th overall pick, and Ponder was taken 12th, so it wouldn't surprise me to see somebody taken early. Although I have seen and heard good things from Smith, I wanted to take a closer look at a couple games of his to get a better idea of his skills. I looked at his game against Kansas State where he struggled, as well as his game against Baylor where he set the world on fire. This is what I observed.

He experiences a problem that I see from a lot of spread quarterbacks in that he makes his decision on where he is throwing before the ball is even snapped. The routes are designed to be open and easy throws, but sometimes he looks silly as he tries to immediately squeeze something in as opposed to letting other routes develop.

The one thing that I really liked about him was his ability to lead receivers to help them gain yards after the catch. Both of his main receivers (Tavon Austin and Stedman Bailey) will probably be taken within the first three rounds which helps, but you could tell that both sides of the pass-catch combo helped make the other side better.

He did a good job of squeezing out of shaky situations when his pass protection broke down, but once he did that, he went into scramble mode and lost track of what was happening down the field.

As you can see from the video, he seems to hate underneath zones, as he got intercepted twice on out routes (the video is cued up for the second interception) when they had coverage dropping back from underneath the receiver. Another big issue with both of those throws was that he did not drive the ball which gave the defender that split second needed to make a play on the ball.

He definitely looked a lot better in the Baylor game, but this had a lot to do with predictable defenses from Baylor that either left his first target open or gave him enough time to scan the field for a secondary option.

One thing I really liked was his deep ball, as you can see here.

He drops it right into his receiver's hands past the coverage, and that is just a really pretty ball.

There are a lot of things to like, and a lot of things to question with Geno Smith. He does a good job of leading receivers and throws a nice deep ball. I haven't had a chance to check out videos of all of the quarterbacks, but I would be shocked if he wasn't the most accurate thrower of them all. On top of this, he is mobile enough. He's not a burner, but he can be elusive and get some yards on the ground.

He doesn't always make great decisions as he decides to throw a pass even if it is well covered. This happens to the best of quarterbacks, but it happens at an alarming rate for Smith. Kansas State made him look very bad when he did this, but he was able to tear up Baylor. The other issue is despite his accuracy, he doesn't drive the ball on his throws. Everything has a little float to it, and it can kill him on out routes.

The guy I see when watching Smith is Christian Ponder. He might be a little more accurate than Ponder, but physically, they are very similar. He can be a good quarterback, but I have a lot of trouble seeing greatness in his future.

My 5 Favorite WWE Superstars Right Now

2013-04-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, I watch pro wrestling. Hell, I love pro wrestling. I also love folkstyle wrestling, and mixed martial arts. None of these are mutually exclusive. I will say that I like folkstyle wrestling and MMA for more similar reasons than pro wrestling, but pro wrestling is still very awesome. There are guys I love, and there are guys I hate. I'm going to start with the positives and go over my ten favorite wrestlers in the WWE. Remember, these are my rankings right now, so "Cool Guy" Chris Jericho will not be on this list despite being one of my five favorite wrestlers of all time. Also, The Miz will not be on this list, because The Miz is the worst.

5. The Prime Time Players - Yes. there are two of them, possibly three if you include Rufus "Pancake" Patterson, but they are great. If you don't agree, then you and your washrag are not invited to my party. The WWE almost pushed them to a tag title, but then they decided to have them lose for the next four months, which has basically been the fate of every wrestler I have liked over the last three years. Still, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS...

4. Team Rhodes Scholars - They're not just a tag team; they're BEST FRIENDS. Oh, and they are painfully similar to The Prime Time Players. Just subtract wash rags, and add facial hair and seducing twins. So yeah, that is why they get the edge.

3. Fandango - I was skeptical of Fandango when he was only doing vignettes. Then he debuted in person, and I started to like him. He demanded respect and that people pronounce his ridiculous name correctly. Then he nearly made one of the Funkadactyls flood the ring with her womanly juices by being a smooth operator. At that point, I was fully on board with Fandango. Now Fandangoing is a real thing that happens, and it is just perfect.

2. Dolph Ziggler - Ziggler has always been great in the ring, but he has slowly progressed on the mic in the last year. He showed a ton of potential in his Ask The Heel segments on ZTLIS, but he's finally starting to convey that personality to a larger audience. It was a little scary how excited I was when I heard his music before he cashed in his Money in the Bank. It was also a little sad that my fiancee had to come downstairs and check on me because she heard me yelling and screaming while watching his match with Del Rio. It may be the saddest that I felt genuine happiness for Dolph Ziggler when he finally did win the title. But, seriously, watch this:

Everything about that video is awesome. Awesome entrance, awesome crowd reaction, awesome three minute match, awesome celebration. I will never stop loving this video.

1. Antonio Cesaro - I went over how awesome he was, and everything remains the same. He dropped the USA flag and replaced it with yodeling. He's amazing in the ring in the way that he tosses people like they weigh nothing. I don't really think I need to expand on anything else that wasn't already said here. Cesaro is the best.

Wrestlemania 29 Predictions

2013-04-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

Lukewarm Jonah: Hott Joe and I love wrestling and we love gambling. I bet you didn’t know you could combine the two and bet on a pre-determined contest, but you can. I’ve found some actual betting odds from williamhill.com, a UK site. There is actually an American site in Las Vegas that has odds too. I’ve found the best lines, and Hott Joe and I will be giving you our Wrestlemania predictions and betting picks.

Hott Joe: Thank God LJ is around, because I have been lazy as shit about writing, but this is definitely something I can get behind.

WrestleMania 29 - Fandango vs. Chris Jericho

Fandango -800 (1/8)

Chris Jericho +425 (17/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: Fandango has to be my pick to win this match. Chris Jericho came back last year just to put over guys like CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler. One has to assume that he’s back to put Fandango over. However, I didn’t expect odds these long and wouldn’t touch this bet. Fandango is still the smart pick, but they could always give Jericho a win.

Hott Joe: Fandango has been one of my favorite parts of Raw over this last month, as any man who focuses a lot of his character on seduction will always be someone I can relate to. And oh, how the mighty have fallen. Jericho, the man who beat the great Marty Jannetty and gave us this…

...now makes fun of Fandango’s name in childish ways. Jericho is still awesome (I highly recommend both of his books), but let’s face it, Jericho could lose every match for the next three years and still get the same cheers from fans. Fandango is going to get the victory.

WrestleMania 29 – Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show vs. The Shield

Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show +400 (4/1)

The Shield -700 (1/7)

Lukewarm Jonah: I would like to take Randy Orton, Sheamus, and The Big Show as 4/1 underdogs. I have no idea why the lines are so high, I guess William Hill thinks that we’ll get a heel turn from one of the three guys on the good guy team. That’s very possible, but I don’t think it’s so crazy to think that the bad guys who have run rampant for months and months on end will finally get their comeuppance. Really I think this match is a toss up, so I’ll take the good odds and go with the good guys at 4/1.

Hott Joe: Thank God Lukewarm Jonah wrote out this match, because whenever I refer to this match, I simply say The Shield vs. Turd Burglars. Last month, Sheamus tried to beat The Shield with the help of Cena and Ryback, now they replaced those two with Show and Orton. The Shield wins, and for a fun prediction, I say that at the next PPV, The Shield finally loses to Cena, The Rock, and Sheamus or Ryback.

WrestleMania 29 – Ryback vs. Mark Henry

Ryback -800 (1/8)

Mark Henry +425 (17/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: I’m picking Ryback to win this match. This is another match where the odds aren’t good enough to put any money on it, but it’s very hard to see Ryback losing. He’s being pushed to the moon, he’s a newer monster that needs to continue to be pushed. Anything can happen in the WWE, and Henry is always a great monster heel to push, but Ryback is the smart pick here.

Hott Joe: This match comes down to one question for me, can Ryback actually pick up Mark Henry for his finisher? He couldn’t do it to Tensai, so I have some serious doubts. I really hope the WWE tells Ryback that he needs to do his finisher or Mark Henry gets to win. I’ll go with the upset and Mark Henry finishing off The Ryback.

WrestleMania 29 – Intercontinental Championship – Wade Barrett vs. The Miz

Wade Barrett +275 (11/4)

The Miz -450 (2/9)

Lukewarm Jonah: It’s the preshow match for the Intercontinental Title, kind of sad that this match can’t even make the real show. Anyways, it seems like they’re building the Miz up, so an Intercontinental Title run would make sense. It would also open up the underutilized Barrett for a possible run at the World Title. My gut says the Miz, but it’s really a toss up in my honest opinion. I would take the Miz as my pick, but I wouldn’t touch this bet.

Hott Joe: God, I hate The Miz, but he’s going to win. I don’t want to talk anymore about this.

WrestleMania 29 – Team Hell No vs. Ziggler & Langston

Team Hell No -130 (10/13)

Ziggler & Langston EVEN (1/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: Basically a pick em bet, I’m taking Team Hell No. I thought I would get better odds on them, but I’ll take close to even money. There’s a good chance Ziggler is going to be involved with the World Title scene soon, possibly even at Wrestlemania. They can’t have him holding the tag belts while he’s World Champ. I also feel like they gave away the ending they would have used for a Ziggler/Langston win this past Monday . My real bold prediction, AJ tries to distract one or both of Bryan and Kane, it backfires somehow and they retain. This makes it an even bigger surprise when Ziggler cashes in Money in the Bank later and wins his first world title.

Hott Joe: I’m taking Team Hell No, but with a slightly different twist. I say AJ does get involved in the match, but then Kaitlyn comes out and starts beating her up. Big E comes to her rescue while Dolph gets destroyed in the ring. And yeah, I totally agree with LJ’s last prediction, but I’ll get into that later.

WrestleMania 29 – The Undertaker vs. CM Punk

The Undertaker -1600 (1/16)

CM Punk +700 (7/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: This is way too big of a lock, and the odds reflect it. However if you really are looking for guaranteed money, put it on the Undertaker. The Undertaker’s undefeated streak will never be beaten, especially not this year, and especially not by CM Punk. I love Punk to death, but he has no chance. Taker still has money matches left with John Cena and Brock Lesnar. As I said, the odds suck, but this is the equivalent of picking the Yankees to beat your local little league team, you know it’s going to happen.

Hott Joe: Taker, obviously. Also, am I the only person that hasn’t ruled out that Paul Bearer might still be alive? Like, the WWE is very shady, so I could totally see them successfully pulling off someone’s death. My bold prediction is that Taker wins with the help of a Paul Bearer ~~run~~ waddle-in (This is not going to happen, but at least admit that it could).

WrestleMania 29 – No Holds Barred Match – Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple H -650 (2/13)

Brock Lesnar +375 (15/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: I thought Lesnar would be a much bigger underdog here, and I was planning on making him my value pick. At these odds, I’ve got to take Triple H. I thought Lesnar would be one of the real long shots, close to CM Punk levels. It’s always possible that Triple H saw two of his best friends, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels retire at Wrestlemania and decided that was the way he wanted to go out. However, I just see Triple H getting his win back from Summerslam. Triple H wins, Shawn Michaels superkicks Lesnar or Heyman or both, even Vince probably gets involved. Trips wins, and at these odds I’d probably lay some decent money on it.

Hott Joe: This stipulation is still the worst stipulation of all time. A No Holds Barred match where Brock Lesnar has no friends, and Triple H is the “coolest kid at school.” Oh, and it’s for Triple H’s career, which was already over before Lesnar came back. YOU CALLED HIM OUT OF RETIREMENT TO PUT HIM IN A RETIREMENT MATCH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Anyway, I have similar thoughts again, but I see all of DX getting involved and Lesnar F-5ing all of them until H can hit the Pedigree and win.

WrestleMania 29 – Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

Alberto Del Rio -500 (1/5)

Jack Swagger +300 (3/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: Another match I thought would be much longer odds, that I would have considered making a value pick. Jack Swagger has a hot new gimmick that has gotten mainstream attention, but he’s not going to win. Del Rio will win for his injured friend Ricardo Rodriquez, and he will also win because if Ziggler cashes in Money in the Bank he’s got to do it against a face. Also, if they don’t have Zigger cash in, they’re trying to build Del Rio up as their new Mexican superstar since Rey Mysterio will probably retire soon. They need a guy to appeal to their large Mexican fanbase and if they don’t go for surprise cash in, I think Del Rio will have a long reign. At these odds I like Del Rio a lot.

Hott Joe: Del Rio wins, and Ziggler comes out to immediately take the title. Dolph Ziggler has been getting pretty solid cheers for a while now. You add in the fact that it is WrestleMania crowd that loves wrestling more than anything else, and there is going to be a huge pop when he comes out to take the title. #HEEL

WrestleMania 29 – WWE Championship – The Rock vs. John Cena

The Rock +550 (11/2)

John Cena -1000 (1/10)

Lukewarm Jonah: Another easy lock just like Taker vs. Punk. Cena gets his win back from last year and we have a passing the torch moment. The real interest in this match is whether or not Cena will turn heel to win. He hinted at it two RAW’s ago when he said the Rock didn’t beat him, he beat himself. Cena turning heel would lead to a bunch of new match and storyline possibilities, and be on the same level as the Hollywood Hogan turn. But anyways, back to the betting, there is no way The Rock retains, he has a bunch of awesome new movies to promote and can’t be champ. A part time wrestle also can’t beat a full time wrestler on the biggest stage two years in a row.

Hott Joe: There have been a lot of whispers about Cena turning bad, but maybe Cena already has become his heel persona. Maybe it will just be that he doesn’t care that adults all think he’s a douche, and he’s only doing it for the kids. The guy does a shit-ton of charity work, and he can still be cheered by kids while they get drowned out by the boos of adults. Still, he’ll win the title. John Cena’s worst year ever saw him win Royal Rumble, have 15 title shots, and upgrade from his wife to a Bella Twin, what does this man need to have a good year?

WrestleMania 29 – Random Prediction

Hott Joe: My random prediction is that there will be a 20 man Battle Royal for a shot at the United States Championship. Zack Ryder will win, because he is basically the best Battle Royaler of all time, and he’s near his hometown. He will then beat my favorite wrestler, Antonio Cesaro, for the US Title. This is one of those cases where if you love someone, you need to set them free. Cesaro has lost his last 50 non-title matches, so maybe getting the belt off of him will let The Yodeler win some matches. Also, I’m still pissed that they dropped him trolling the fans by loving America so much. This man got booed for waving the American Flag; that’s the greatest thing from the past six months, well, outside of this:

LJ, I’ll let you finish, since you did most of the heavy lifting on this post.

Lukewarm Jonah: CM Punk will lose. We've covered that already, but in doing so, he will see the error of his ways and turn back into a face. He may even hit a GTS or lock on the Anaconda Vice on Paul Heyman.

Sorry Ladies, I'm Engaged

2013-03-17T17:31:00.000-05:00

Ladies, I have terrible news. I know that your parents said that if you dream big and work hard enough, anything is possible. Well, unfortunately, that is no longer the case. I am engaged, so you will have to settle for second best. Here is my story.

My biggest goal was to have the ring for as little time as possible. It was supposed to be ready by 4:00 on Wednesday. My jeweler was going to let me know when it was done. The problem is that I work 45 minutes away from the jewelry store, so I had to leave without totally knowing if everything had gone smoothly.

I arrived, and the ring looked great. I felt like a boss. Also, free champagne (there was a bunch of other stuff in the bag, but I got distracted by the free champagne and tuned her out after that). Then she required me to pay for the balance of the ring. I confidently handed her my card, ready to get home to start making dinner. My card was denied. Aw, crap. I knew I had enough money in my account, but I forgot to see what my limit was because I do not think ahead, and I am not used to making extravagant purchases. I mean, I frequently spend over $100 on groceries, so it's not like that card doesn't get a good workout. I look up the number to my bank and see if they can approve the charge. I chat with a banker, and he tells me that he can, but he will have to call someone else and give me a call back. No problem. As I wait, my jeweler assures me that this happens all the time, and I confidently wait.

I get a call back, and the banker tells me that he cannot get the charges approved for 24-48 hours. Sweet. But I can go in and get a Cashier's Check to take care of everything (Oh yeah, I also don't have checks, because checks are for old people and I'm a Toys R Us Kid or something). Okay, just wasted some time and now I need to get to the bank and take care of everything. This is not ideal, but I needed to stop by the grocery store anyway, so it's not the end of the world.

I drop by the bank, and the banker I talked to greeted me to get things taken care of as quickly as possible. He asked me where the check should be made out to, and I told him the jewelry store. He congratulated me, which was nice. But then he told me that had he known that, he could have just approved it over the phone as an emergency. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT OPTION. Anyway, no big deal, I walked away with a large cashier's check (it was actually a regular sized check, but it had a big number on it) and headed to the grocery store.

My girlfriend had made it very clear to me that she wanted something simple. In fact, she flat out told me that if I proposed in any sort of public place, she would not only say no, but we would immediately break up. So, I kept it simple and planned a nice dinner of steak, asparagus, and grilled peppers. With me being able to throw everything on the grill, it was also a fairly easy meal for me to make. I speed-walked through the store and picked up all of the necessary items and got in the shortest line I could find. Just one lady in front of me, so it shouldn't take that long. Of course, the lady I was in front of brought in recyclable bags and a bunch of coupons. I slowly deflated as I saw every line move faster than the one I was in. This probably robbed me of, at worst, three minutes, but I wanted to headbutt that lady into submission.

Back to the jewelry store to finalize everything. I give her the check and take my ring, champagne and other stuff back home to prepare my night of romancing. I get home, let the dog out and start gathering wood, because we have a fireplace that we have never used, and what better night than this one to get started. I was never a boy scout, but I have been to many bonfires, and I am building what I believe is a pretty bomb ass fire structure. Then I get a knock at the door. I have gotten an unexpected knock at the door maybe twice at the house I have lived at for over a year. Some clown is trying to sell me a roof. "I do not have time for this, and I am renting, so get out of here, clown" is what I'm thinking, but I politely decline his offer and get back to fire making.

I didn't get lighter fluid, because I've watched enough Workaholics to be an honorary Beagle Scout. So, I get the fire going a little. There was definitely more smoke than fire, but a little fire is a good thing, that fire is going to catch any second now. But man, it was really producing a lot of smoke. Still, I'm not giving up. I have to turn my head away as the smoke burns my eyes, but I think I am almost there. Still nothing. My dog starts barking, and I look back to realize that the house is beginning to fill with smoke, and my dog is warning me to get out of there. Operation fireplace romance is cancelled, as I shut the doors to the fireplace and open up doors and windows to try to get all of the smoke out of there. I look back at the fireplace and realize that the doors don't close perfectly, and there is a crack right at the top letting a consistent stream of smoke out. I lean a chair against the doors to solve the problem. Things are not going as I had planned.

There is no fire, but you bet your ass I can do candles. I bought 50 small candles and a few big ones to pimp out the house. I was going to do candles along the path from the door to the dining room, but I realized that my dog is too stupid to not knock them over, and there would be wax all over the place. My girlfriend would have been pissed about the mess, and it would not have set the ideal mood. So, I got two strips of aluminum foil, set them down in a couple locations and started doing some candle drawings. On our buffet, I designed a heart, and my art work was rather impressive. On the table, I wrote "ILY" which was not a poor homage to T.I.'s song, "I'm Illy" but stood for I Love You. Trust me, I know that this sounds very douchey, but I promise that it is more of a joke than anything we take seriously.

As I get everything set up, my girlfriend calls me to let me know that she will be heading home. That's basically my 15 minute warning to get my ass moving. It still definitely smells like smoke, but it's also March in Iowa, so I need to shut the door so she is not shivering through dinner. It's not nearly as smoky as before, but I can still smell smoke, which probably means that it smells pretty strongly of smoke, since I am nearly smell-blind. Blame it on the candles, I think to myself, which reminds me that I need to get like 60 candles lit up. I scramble around and get everything lit, but instead of admiring my masterpiece, I need to get the grill started and all the food prepared. I quickly season up everything and get it on the grill before she walks in the door.

I greet my lady with a kiss and a hug. She immediately asks me if I was burning incense and not in a good way. I explain the fireplace issue. But I apparently did a good enough job of clearing the house of smoke that she does not bring it up again. We sit down for our meal, and everything was going well until she looks over and notices that wax is dripping off my aluminum foil and onto the buffet. Our heart of love had to be extinguished. Not a good sign.

She then talks about her day and how things are going at work. And she just keeps talking. It was mostly interesting, but I was only half paying attention, because I just wanted to get rid of this damn ring. I kept looking for any opportunity to butt in, but she was like the Energizer Bunny and kept going and going and going. I felt like she was trying to filibuster this proposal. Not gonna happen, lady. She got up to clean off her plate (should I have probably done that? Yes, but I had a lot going on in my head, so give me a break), and this gave me my opportunity. As she was at the sink, I grabbed my expertly placed ring from a drawer and walked over, dropped down to a knee, told her a bunch of lovey dovey, mushy stuff about how much I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and boom, popped the question, got the yes, and put the ring on her finger.

So I got my main squeeze locked down,which is good, because she's actually successful, and I have enough time to write a blog, so clearly things aren't looking up for me any time soon. Obviously, that is number one from this experience. But number two ain't bad either. My lady didn't feel like champagne that night. Champagne-drunk St. Patty's Weekend? Don't mind if I do.

Evolution and the New F-Word

2013-03-11T07:06:00.000-05:00

Joe Rogan had a comedy bit that the three most powerful words in the English language were nigger, cunt, and love. Love is a rather boring one, as ladies instantly melt when they hear that word. It means something, and I think it really does in most people's minds. It's rare that a person throws around the l-word when discussing their feelings for another person. On the other hand, I LOVE steaks. I also just generally LOVE free shit. But still, I think we understand the power of this word.

Cunt is a really interesting one, and I completely agree that this word has power. If you drop one of these around a lady, their jaw will drop, as they will be completely shocked that you went THERE. But it really lacks a true meaning. There really is no inherent difference between cunt and twat. Still, cunt just sounds worse. A lot of this has to do with its lack of use. If people walked around and replaced pussy with cunt more often, then it would lose its power. I really feel that within the next five years, the rap game is going to start making cunt more widely used, and it will lose a lot of its power based on use.

The last word is nigger, which from here on will be referred to as the n-word, because it makes me ill just typing it. In my mind, it stands on its own for power. It is an incredibly hate-filled word. I remember using it once as a joke when I didn't know that one of my black friends was around and just thinking about it makes me want to puke. I'm from Iowa, and yes, some of my friends have racist tendencies. I hate to call anyone a racist without a lot of evidence, but a lot of you may consider putting them in that category. They are fine with black people when they get to know them, but they almost always assume the worst when it is a black person they do not know. I'm not wise enough to draw the line on what constitutes a racist, so you can put them in either category. Still, this word will always make me ill when I hear it used by a white person. There is the shit argument that black people use it, so why can't white people? But if you don't understand the difference, you can probably stop reading now. I can jam out to rap music, but I will admit that when I'm singing along in my car, I do get quiet when they are dropping the n-word, as I don't have the social clout or necessity to be singing along with those lyrics. It's a powerful word, and the world would be a better place if it was never used again.

And that brings me to the new f-word, faggot. I have probably said faggot thousands of times, mostly calling my friends a faggot. It is an insensitive word that hurts people, yet it is still widely accepted in many parts of the country. In the past I have used it mostly referring to my friends. I usually didn't use it to imply that they had sex with men, but I basically used it to mean that they were a loser or a douchebag. I was recently trying to justify my past use of the word in this way, and I soon realized that it was a really shitty excuse. The real reasoning behind my choice of using that word is that I was ignorant and kind of a piece of shit. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, because all young people are ignorant pieces of shit. Shit, I'm going to probably look back at myself at this point in my life and realize that I was still an ignorant piece of shit. That's okay, because as long as we learn from our experience, we're doing things right.

But it did make me think whether there was much of a difference between the n-word and the f-word. The n-word makes me sick to my stomach, while I can use faggot pretty freely and openly and not have much feeling at all. But at the same time, words evolve. Using the n-word makes me sick, but two or three generations before me, people used it freely, because that's just what they did. It's partially that we were a much more racist society back then, but a lot of them just used the word, because that's what they always did. It's tough to change, but that's not an excuse for ignorant behavior. Honestly, I hope that in 2-3 generations, the f-word is as widely criticized as the n-word is. I hope that future generations look back at this time and try to figure up how people could actually fight for gay people to not have equal rights as straight people when it comes to marriage. A common argument is that a civil union is separate but equal to marriage, and separate but equal should ring a bell in people's minds.

We should not be using the f-word. I have seen our society moving in a positive direction when it comes to this in sports. Occasionally, a famous athlete will be seen saying it in a game, and they should be called out for it. I remember Joakim Noah ding this and getting called out for it (as well as a $50,000 fine). He apologized immediately, and as far as I know, he was not chastised for it. That's fair, because if I were still competing in something, I would probably let some stupid shit slip out of my mouth out of frustration, but it's good that we are addressing these things as opposed to defending those sort of actions.

We're moving in the right direction, but at the same time, I know that I am not the most informed person to be talking about this. The n-word, f-word, and cunt don't apply to me. I am a white male who has led a ~~pretty~~ incredibly easy life (Thanks Mom and Dad). My whole goal for writing this is to make one other person think critically about their use of the f-word. If not, it will still make me think twice before saying it. I am going to make a conscious effort to stop using it, and I hope you do the same. The world is constantly evolving, but there is no more important evolution than us as a society doing what we can to eliminate hate. The f-word is an awful thing to say, and I can't wait for the day when I am singing along with a gay rapper, and I have to go silent as he uses the f-word for his own intentions. Language evolves, and we need to do the same.

Oscar Spoilers for 2014

2013-03-07T19:52:00.000-06:00

Note: This is an article courtesy of Lukewarm Jonah. Check out his other work by clicking the label at the bottom of the article.

I was in an Oscar pool with a film critic friend of mine and was not happy when I got beat. I’m a competitor, even in stupid things like picking the Oscars. For mine and everyone’s benefit I’ve decided to break down the probable nominees and winners. Use this information wisely and you can win some serious dough as well as impressing all your friends at the next Oscars.

Best Picture:

Snitch

GI Joe: Retaliation

Pain and Gain

Fast 6

Empire State (Not the stupid Zach Braff movie)

Probable winner: Fast 6. No real drama here, I’m sure all these movies will have their strong suits, but there is no way Fast 6 can lose.

Best Leading Actor:

The Rock- GI Joe: Retaliation

The Rock- Snitch

The Rock- Pain and Gain

The Rock- Empire State

Vin Diesel- Fast 6

Probable winner: The Rock, Snitch. The Rock really plays outside character in this role by not single handedly taking down the entire country of Columbia, and is actually shown to be vulnerable, even getting beaten up. The Academy has to respect that kind of range. If you’re looking for a sleeper, Vin Diesel could steal it from The Rock in Fast 6 because you know that the Academy is going to want to give that movie as many awards as possible.

Best Supporting Actor:

The Rock- Fast 6

Marky Mark- Pain and Gain

Ludacris- Fast 6

Roddy Piper- Fast 6 (Probably)

Liam Hemsworth- Empire State

Mankind- Martin Luther King Day

Tyrese- Fast 6

Kurt Angle- Pain and Gain

Probable Winner: The Rock. He’s the best actor in the best movie of the year. When they announce this category at the Oscars, they’ll just invite The Rock to sit on stage while the nominees are read. Biggest gimmee pick of the year.

Best Actress:

Michelle Rodriguez- Fast 6

Adrienne Palacki- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jordanna Brewster- Fast 6

Rebel Wilson- Pain and Gain

Emma Roberts- Empire State

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable Winner: Emma Roberts, Empire State. The Fast 6 run comes to a halt in the night’s biggest upset so far. Emma Roberts is fantastic, and you pair her up with the Rock and she’s going to be making it rain with awards.

Best Supporting Actress:

Susan Sarandon- Snitch

Vivi Pineda- Pain and Gain

Gina Carano- Fast 6

Nikki Reed- Empire State

Elodie Yung- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable winner: Susan Sarandon, Snitch. Classically trained actress playing opposite the Rock in a somewhat adversarial role? That’s bigger Oscar gold than a movie about World War II. Carano won’t win even though it’s Fast 6, not in her first outing anyways.

Best Director:

Dito Montiel- Empire State

Michael Bay- Pain and Gain

Justin Lin- Fast 6

Ric Roman Waugh- Snitch

Jon Chu- GI Joe: Retaliation

Probable Winner: Justin Lin. Honestly, this is a choice that I’m going against the academy on. I mean all Lin had to do every day was show up and tell his all star cast to be awesome. Seems like an incredibly easy directing job, but the smart money is on him taking home that gold statue. Ric Roman Waugh should win for not directing the Rock to destroy everyone in sight.

So there you have your probable 2014 Oscar picks, I’ve got an in on the Academy and I can pretty much guarantee these nominees and winners. The only real question left is whether the Rock will Rock Bottom anyone at the 2014 Oscars, John Malkovich I’m looking your way.

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

2013-02-27T20:34:00.000-06:00

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.

Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.

Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like ~~a half dozen~~, ~~a dozen~~, ~~two dozen,~~ 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 6 - War

2013-02-23T03:49:00.000-06:00

Well, if you saw the season finale of Suits on Thursday, you know that shit went down, but for those of you that didn't watch, let me just tell you: Shit went down. There wasn't just some shady behavior; there may have only been shady behavior throughout the entire episode. And don't get me started about that ending. Hoo boy, that ending. Anyway, for last week's rankings, click here. And now onto the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules:

1. Mike Ross - Got called Baby Harvey, and thought of it as a compliment...for Harvey. But, his lawyering was pretty weak as he totally sold out Harvey so he wouldn't go to prison. I don't think Jessica had the vagina balls to follow through with turning him in for being a fake lawyer, but he bitched out majorly. So, how in the hell is he ranked number one? The end of the episode, but we'll touch on that later.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica knows how valuable Harvey is. Jessica is trying to control Harvey by getting up in his grill. I hate her so much for what she did to Mike and Harvey, but goddamn if it wasn't some fine lawyering. She completely screwed over Harvey by threatening Mike and not allowing that information to see the light of day. It was incredibly shady, but that just makes me respect it more. I hate her for what she did, but I have no choice but to respect it.

3. Edward Darby - Darby throws a sexy party to impress Pearson Hardman employees. It does not impress Harvey. Secretly, Darby is scared of how good Harvey is, but Harvey must never know that. He showed some solid lawyering to put Harvey against the wall, but Jessica was the star of the team that won the case. Still, picking a team and having them do the work is a pretty boss thing for him to do.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Got in a fight with a British dude and threatened to shit on the Queen...or something. Then he became best friends with Nigel. But even a best friend of Louis will get screwed over by Louis, as he broke his promise to the Brit and barely felt bad about it. He truly Litt him up. Also, let's talk about mudding. I had no idea what this meant, so I decided to go for the best source to learn about such a term, Urban Dictionary, and since I don't think either of them can be butch, nor do they drive pickup trucks, it means that they either love dark ladies or entering dark places. I'm going with the latter and calling both of them scoundrels.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey is doing everything he can to stop the merger. Harvey totally pulled a power move on Darby. "Oh and everything, that's your record against me," is definitely a line that I want to start using to shut people down. Both Jessica and Darby think that Harvey is about the best lawyer in the world; he's like the MICHAEL JORDAN of lawyering. Harvey ain't no homewrecker, so he doesn't want Scotty to be anything more than a bangpiece. He did help her get her job back, but he refuses to let himself fall in love. Also, he's not a partner, because Jessica outcheated him. He really faded down the stretch. The question is whether this is 1994-95 Michael Jordan, and he's about to be better than ever, or if it's Wizards Jordan, and he's about to go downhill and start wearing ridiculous clothes.

6. Dana Scott - She wants Harvey to be a partner in their super firm. Not because he's a great lawyer, but because she is actually in love with him. She has to sue him to get his attention, and she is willing to throw the case away to win his heart. She attempted to throw the case, but then lost her job instead, so that was a miscalculation on her part. She did get her job back with Harvey's help, but neither one of them will be partner anytime soon.

7. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Nigel thinks he's going to bang Donna; I do not see this turning out well for him. But he is also owning Louis at every turn. He calls a truce and follows through on it, like a total gentleman. A total gentleman that got screwed over by Louis.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - Got bamboozled by Louis into thinking that she was Harvard material. She looks more like a USC student to me. Does USC have a law school? I don't know, and don't care, but it still seems like a proper spot for Ms. Zane. But none of that is important. Law school rollercoasters of emotion are boring. The important part is that she decided it was time to get freak nasty when she found out that Mike didn't go to Harvard. I have lied about going to Harvard to seduce ladies, but I have never tried the opposite, but I may have to give it a shot. Honestly, Donna had this spot, but then Rachel showed some butt cleavage and was banging like a champ. She showed skin for the win, and BRAAAAAA...VO on that.

Butt cleavage. It was exactly how I hoped this season would end.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 5 - Normandy

2013-02-15T22:24:00.001-06:00

This episode may have been called Normandy, but it should have been called Ladies Night, because the ladies were ON POINT in this episode. It seems that they one-upped every guy that they interacted with and good for them. Too often, ladies play by the rules, but I saw a different side where these Law Ladies played by their own rules, and, not gonna lie, it was a major turn on. Last week's rankings are here, now onto this week's list:

1. Jessica Pearson - Her firm has no money, which is embarrassing. I thought she was going to have a very weak performance, but she's still got swagger. She did a great job of putting people in their places. Then at the end, she threw everyone a curveball. By thinking about a merger with Darby, she was able to share her books, and he was able to find the embezzlement by HARDMAN. That is playing by your own rules and some great lawyerin'. Great job, Jessica. You have earned the number one spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - Was putting Mike in his place repeatedly. Then she pulled a power move on Rachel and made her feel like shit. Then she beat Mike to the information that they were searching for. She is basically driving Mike and Rachel to a joint suicide. She notifies Rachel that it's good that she is going to law school, because lawyers "sleep with the paralegals, but end up with the lawyers." She was a total bitch, and I loved it. I like Kat, but I can't help but wish it was played by Autumn Reeser. I mean, really, who couldn't use more Taylor Townsend in their life?

3. Dana Scott - Never got married, but still looking good. She took the Bakersfield case, so that's baller of her. Then she made fun of Harvey's age, which takes balls, vagina balls, but balls nonetheless. She showed so much balls that she forced Harvey to join up with her firm. Also, her firm has a jet, and she litigated Harvey into sleeping with her. Surprisingly, no lady has ever gotten me on a private jet and convinced me into sleeping with her. She tricked Harvey pretty well, but he left her with her cleavage hanging out. Don't worry, sweet Scotty, if you give me a ride on your jet, I'll give you a ride on my rocket. HEY-OH!

4. Mike Ross - Mike Ross would have a great college, because he would only let in hot chicks. He gets totally owned by Katrina repeatedly, as she always finds a way to be a step ahead. But he uses her own methods against her to get major credit for helping out in the Folsom Foods case. I still can't put him quite as high as the ladies.

5. Harvey Specter - Needs to get the cash money. Harvey really impressed me by using a WWII reference instead of a Michael Jordan reference. It looked like Scotty had a leg up on him, and not in a good way where that leg is up on his shoulder, HEY-OH! But then he totally gets her firm to do exactly what he wants. Harvey made a lady with no uterus cry. His bad cop was on point. He turns down Scotty, because she actually knew more than he did and was tricking him the whole time. This means no sex and no partnership, because Michael Jordan didn't need teammates...to buy the Bobcats (I'm actually pretty sure he does have partners in that, but I couldn't ignore the contributions of Scottie Pippen and friends during the glory years, and I needed to make some sort of Michael Jordan reference).

6. Edward Darby - He's one cool cat who wants to get naked with Harvey. Everyone at that damn British firm wants to have sex with Harvey. Plus he might merge with Pearson Hardman. I know PH always says they are the best firm in New York, but they have no money, and this firm in England seems like way better off. But, as the saying goes, Darby's gonna Darb.

7. Daniel Hardman - Pearson Hardman spent a bunch of time trying to start where HARDMAN would not be, and that is exactly where he was. Unfortunately, they got into his head when they took his name plate down. Then he got outhustled by Jessica's tricks. Please don't go, HARDMAN. I'll miss you.

8. Sheila Sass - Stopped Rachel from getting into Harvard. Then banged Louis, but didn't get her vagina balls off enough to let Rachel in. Tough break.

9. Louis Litt - "Litt"erally was not around for the first half of this episode, but immediately made an impact by assuring Rachel that he would get her into Harvard. Then he gets after it with Sheila. Louis said she didn't get in, because she wanted revenge, but it was because he couldn't give her the business well enough.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's looking at places to live near Harvard, but she didn't get in, so whoopsies. But she put on her sexiness to help out Mike and screw over Katrina, so props to her for that. Even if she can't get into Harvard, she can still go to law school. Maybe she'll go to Greendale Community College and be Law classmates with Jeff Winger.

The IOC Cares About Money, Not Wrestling

2013-02-13T07:20:00.001-06:00

When I found out that the IOC had dropped wrestling yesterday for the 2020 Olympics, my feelings were similar to a lot of others in that I was angry. I was both shocked and pissed off. I really enjoy wrestling (although I wish folkstyle was recognized in international competition), but even I was surprised at how much I cared, because I really don't give a shit about anything.

It takes something colossally stupid or awful to really make me sit up in my chair with anger. Although this sucks, it is much more the former than the latter. Nobody is going to die because of this decision directly, but indirectly, it has the potential to change a lot of people's lives. Henry Cejudo is an excellent example of somebody who grew up poor but was given an opportunity to be a success because of wrestling. Many people in his shoes would use wrestling as a way to help pay for college. He chose a different path and focused on the Olympics, which turned out pretty well for him since he had a gold medal at age 21. The Olympics is the ultimate goal in wrestling. It's the reason that guys like King Mo, Daniel Cormier, and Ben Askren trained for the Olympics before going into MMA. It's the reason that guys like David Taylor, Kyle Dake, and Matt McDonough will do the same.

But without the Olympics, how many people might not see a reason to stick with wrestling? Let's face it, there are minimal monetary gains from competing in wrestling. Wrestlers aren't getting full scholarships for college. There is no professional league to go to. The only real benefit is $250,000 for U.S. Olympic Wrestlers. That is well below the minimum salary for any major professional sport. Oh, and they only get it once every four years. And one other thing, they only get that if they win an Olympic Gold Medal. Let's face it, wrestlers are far more interested in that gold medal than they are the possible money from it.

But now that dream is gone. Wrestling is such a beautiful sport, because you don't need anything to wrestle. You put on shorts and a t-shirt and go wrestle in the backyard. That's what kids grow up doing. It's not just the United States that is affected by this. There are many countries, especially in the Middle East where wrestling is one of the most meaningful sports in the country. This decision by the IOC has brought Iran and the United States together on something (the picture at the top of this page is the most meaningful picture from the 2012 Olympic games). That shows how amazingly stupid it is. There is already little money in these countries which means very few positive goals that people can set past surviving, and this is just taking an incredibly meaningful avenue away from them. These kids grow up competing in freestyle wrestling with the sole goal to win The Olympics. It's not fair to take that away from them.

I enjoyed wrestling when I was young and enjoy watching it now. I can't share some sob story about how wrestling saved my life, but there are many people who can. It's the easiest sport to get into, and one of the toughest mental sports out there. It sounds cliche, but it does build character. It's a sport that breaks people and builds them back up. The fact that this is getting dropped in favor or the Modern Pentathlon. The modern pentathlon is a sports contest that includes five events: pistol shooting, fencing, 200 m freestyle swimming, show jumping, and a 3 km cross-country run. A 3 km run is less than 2 miles. Let's face it, if you compete in Modern Pentathlon, you're a dick. There is some piece of shit having a fancy cocktail party showing off his gold medal for Modern Pentathlon like he's a real athlete. You are not an athlete of any sort. The fact that there are people with Olympic medals in this sport is outrageous. This pisses me off, and it should piss you off.

This was a terrible decision by the IOC, and I hope they reverse that decision to keep wrestling in the Olympics. They won't, because the IOC does not care about competition. They don't care about history. They don't care about doing what's right. They care about money. Modern Pentathlon is a sport full of rich assholes, and wrestling is full of everyday people grinding through each day. In my eyes, the latter group is better than the former; it's just a shame that the IOC thinks otherwise.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 4 - He's Back

2013-02-12T20:29:00.002-06:00

Another day, another dollar, as Pearson Hardman hollers at the world. Shit hit the fan this week with the return of my personal favorite character, Daniel Hardman. This man is pure scumbag, and I love it. This man plays by his own rules, and last night was no exception. He interacted with everyone at Pearson Hardman and came out on top each and every time. Crap, I'm already getting into too many details. Anyway, here are last week's rankings. Now onto the Suits rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Daniel Hardman - As if there was any doubt on who would be number one. HARDMAN comes out with guns ablaze and turns the Folsom Foods trial into a subpoena against Pearson Hardman for firing his bangpiece. You don't fire a man's bangpiece without consequences. HARDMAN is a step ahead of them at every turn, and it was maybe the most impressive ownage in the show's history. That confidentiality agreement working for HARDMAN is fantastic. But the fact that he doesn't care whether his client wins or they break the confidentiality agreement doesn't matter to him, because he wins either way which is the definition of a lawyer playing by his own rules. HARDMAN dropped the hammer on Jessica, when he told her that Jessica was "younger than her, prettier than her, and sexually active at a child bearing age." That is just such a brilliantly dick move. It's amazing that Jessica Pearson ever rose up through the company, because HARDMAN straight owned her.

2. Mike Ross - Wrote such a good case that HARDMAN took it word for word, so he's got that going for him. He led a deposition and got owned by HARDMAN. But he was able to get a settlement from Monica, and he did it by meeting with her over and over without her lawyer present. He knows he shouldn't be doing that, but he still does, which gives him extra points for playing by his own rules.

3. Robert Zane - He is racist as shit when it comes to football as he believes that the negroes play the defensive line and the honkeys play the offensive line. I don't even know if he had a point to make. I feel like he was just trying to make white people uncomfortable, but didn't realize that there were no white people around, so he was just kind of exposing his own pointless racism. But pointless racism is totally playing by your own rules, so bonus points for that. In other news, he can get a ton of information disparaging HARDMAN, but he still likes the guy. For some reason, nobody at Pearson Hardman has thought to have his daughter explain what a scumbag Danny Boy is.

4. Harvey Specter - Harvey loses a couple spots, because he really put it on himself to go head-to-head with HARDMAN and got his ass handed to him. It's like Clyde Drexler trying to take on Michael Jordan. Sure, Drexler was great, but he always looked worse when he had to go against the best. Harvey wants to crush HARDMAN but was crushed when HARDMAN knew that he tried to become partner and got denied. Harvey tries to get a closed hearing, but then finds out that HARDMAN has already covered that avenue. Harvey acts reasonable throughout and decides they should settle, because HARDMAN has been one step ahead of them at every turn.

5. Monica Eaton - Noted bangpiece. Not a lot of lawyerin'.

6. Louis Litt - He wants on the Monica Eaton case, because "Revenge is the best revenge." But he is totally in love with Monica. Louis was so excited that Mike led the deposition, then so sad that he was mentioned as sexually harassing Monica. So he goes into the elevator to threaten HARDMAN. Unfortunately, HARDMAN barely seemed bothered about his life being threatened. Better luck next time, Louie.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica got completely owned early on as she exposed the firm to a lawsuit by giving complete confidentiality to HARDMAN by signing the agreement after barely looking at it. That is some of the worst lawyerin' on the show. She got repeatedly owned and tried to play by her own rules only to be a failure at every turn.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's freaking out, because she's not sure if she can make it into Harvard Law School. She does the logical thing and hangs out at her Dad's house, not with him, mind you, just over there, while he watches racist football. She did finish her application, and she was the only person to ever write a good essay when applying to Harvard Law School, so she KNOWS she got in. I bet Harvard is really happy to finally read something good, because it can usually only get Stansbury rejects.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 3 - Zane vs. Zane

2013-02-07T00:22:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm late again this week. My excuse? Um, mostly laziness. There is no other way around it. I just decided to catch up on Suits this week. People have been sending me spoilers about a Daniel HARDMAN comeback, but it's not the end result that matters, it's the road that you take to get there. This was an incredibly strong week, as there was some top notch lawyerin' all around. As always, these are the rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Robert Zane - Tells his daughter to rely on her looks, because her brains ain't gonna get her across town. That's some fatherly advice, especially on the poor broads birthday. He badgers a witness that had a lot in common with his daughter, which was some great parallelism. Then Robert calls out Harvey to try to take it from him at trial, because he's a straight up BAWSE. Then he tries to merge with Pearson Hardman, because he plays by his own rules, and I totally respect that. It looks like he's going to lose the case, so he does the only reasonable thing. He first tells his daughter that the case is over, so they can make amends and become best buds again. Then he drops it and gives it to HARDMAN. This guy literally is wiping his ass with the lawyer rule book. Congratulations, Bobby Z.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey starts off the episode with a Michael Jordan drop. They are not messing around this season with MJ drops. Harvey vows to destroy Robert Zane for lowballing them. Harvey, who hasn't run into Robert Zane since Mike Ross started, knew that Robert Zane loves his daughter enough that seeing her in the deposition will throw him off his game. I feel like there is some exclusive Facebook for top-notch lawyers where Harvey can find out this information. Michael Jordan probably runs it. Harvey tries to exploit Zane by having Rachel there, but Bobby Z don't care. Still, bringing someone's family into this is a horrible thing to do, and that is why he is so high up on this list.

3. Katrina Bennett - She wants to go toe-to-toe with Louis, so she charms his pants off. Not literally, because she's pretty hot, and Louis would jump at that. She came up with the most pathetic plan ever, as Louis got in trouble for missing court. After Louis got her back, she takes it a step further and gets him arrested for bringing in a weapon to the court room. Nice job, Kat. But it leads to her becoming best friends with Louis. I've got my eye on you two.

4. Louis Litt - Babysits Katrina, because she is incompetent compared to her peers at Pearson Hardman. Louis did a far better job of pranking her by taking her files and replacing them with pictures of him photoshopped on famous Americans. Litt knows about finances and photoshop. He's a dual-threat in the courtroom. Then Louis outdueled Donna which never happens.

5. Mike Ross - He was very respectful to Mr. Zane. Gotta get in good with Dad if you want to bang the daughter again. Mike finds out that the company has been discriminating against a ton of women, which helps out their case a ton. He then hangs out with Harvey so they can throw it in Robert Zane's face. It was some good ol' fashioned lawyerin', but a little bit too much of playing within the rules.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made fun of Harvey's hair, because her and Bobby Z have a secret lawyer language. She didn't do much else until the end, when she made Robert Zane her bitch which forced him to pull out the HARDMAN card. So...yeah, that plan backfired.

7. Daniel Hardman - He didn't even show up on the episode, but the name of HARDMAN still sends shivers down their spines. HARDMAN is going to wreak havoc, and it will be glorious.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She turned down a free lunch after her Dad implied that she was stupid, which just kind of further proved his point. But then she vowed to kick his ass in the settlement case. Instead she got really sad about her Dad's deposition and the fact that he's never been proud of her.

Predictions Leading Up To Wrestlemania 29

2013-02-06T00:58:00.000-06:00

I spend way too much time thinking about professional wrestling. I say that as a 28 year old, fully functioning adult, who has seduced ladies in real life. I know that combination is surprising for many people, but pro wrestling is awesome. I have obviously waxed poetically about Antonio Cesaro before, but there is a lot of interesting things going on. The Rock is back. He won the title. CM Punk held the title for like a year and a half before that. John Cena lost every important match for a year straight. So what's going to happen next?

CM Punk is going to talk about how his title reign (even though he doesn't have the title, he still talks as if the title is still his) is the most impressive streak in professional wrestling. He will face The Rock at Elimination Chamber. In this match, The Rock will be close to winning, but then Brock Lesnar will attack him to help CM Punk win. Punk will hit his finisher, the GTS (Go To Sleep), but before he can pin him. The lights will go out. Undertaker will take out Punk, helping The Rock retain the title. Undertaker will then face CM Punk at Wrestlemania since his undefeated Wrestlemania streak is considered the greatest streak in professional wrestling.

John Cena and friends will beat The Shield at Elimination Chamber, because John Cena is now invincible. He will beat The Rock at Wrestlemania. They will hug after the match in a "passing the torch" moment. John Cena may not lose in 2013.

Don't feel bad for The Rock; Fast and the Furious Six will go down as the greatest movie ever made.

Kane and Daniel Bryan will continue to be Kane and Daniel Bryan. That's all the insight I have on those guys.

Antonio Cesaro is going to hold the US Title forever, because he's the best, and nobody will ever beat him outside of Ryback who has beaten him like three times in non-title matches. Hasn't Ryback earned a title shot yet? Apparently not. They just like to delegitimize their champions, which is dumb. Shit, Miz will probably win this title by Wrestlemania. But that will just open up Cesaro for bigger and better things.

Dolph Ziggler will face Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania. Brock Lesnar will take on Triple H.

Alberto Del Rio will beat The Big Show at Elimination Chamber. Dolph Ziggler will not cash in his Money in the Bank.

Mark Henry will win the Elimination Chamber to face Del Rio at Wrestlemania. Del Rio will win, only to have Dolph Ziggler run out to cash in his Money in the Bank. Wrestlemania is full of "smart" wrestling fans, and they will give a huge pop for Ziggler when he comes out to win the title.

My final prediction is the worst possible idea I could come up with that the WWE would actually consider: After John Cena and friends beat The Shield at Elimination Chamber, they become convinced that Cena is right and they are wrong. Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns will begin to dress in bright colors and be known as Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect.

The Most Important Screenshot On The Internet

2013-02-05T19:29:00.001-06:00

There it is. Taken from the Fast and the Furious Six trailer. That is Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) holding up some musclebound bad guy, so that Luke Hobbs (The Rock) can fly through and clothesline him. Words...cannot...do...this...picture...justice. It's perfect. I'm going to try my best to break it down.

Where are they? Possibly inside of a plane? A storage unit? Just a random building full of bad guys? I'm going with plane due to the rest of the preview, and there may be parachutes along the wall.

How did Hobbs get that much air? Look at the bottom left corner, did Hobbs jump off a trampoline to do this? I think there is a trampoline next to that SUV. Why is there a trampoline next to an SUV? Because it's awesome.

Look at all the carnage that has already been done. What did those wood splinters make up before it was destroyed by unstoppable violence? It could have been anything. Was it just an empty crate? It could have been a box full of steroids judging by the bad guy. My best guess is a "rock"ing chair.

If there is any justice in the world, this movie will break every box office record imaginable. I can't wait.

The Dodge Ram Super Bowl Commercial

2013-02-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

When watching the Super Bowl commercials, one thing is for sure: Fast 6 had by far the best commercial, but that was partly due to the fact that it was promoting by far the best product. After that, I actually liked the Volkswagen commercial where the guy talks like he's from Jamaica. I just liked that guy; I rooted for him. His happy demeanor made me happy, so that commercial is a success. But there was another car commercial that way more people were talking about. This piece of shit...

I got done with the commercial and said, "Wow, that was just a huge waste of money for Dodge." Everyone I was with agreed, because, at best, it was hilarious white trash. It was so over the top and appealing to the lowest common denominator in doing so that I was amazed that any successful corporation could be dumb enough to make such a piece of shit. But then I got thinking, advertising agencies are smart. Billion dollar corporations are smart. But this ad is so dumb.

And then it hit me, people are going to love this. I immediately went to my source on all things that appeal to the lowest common denominator, Facebook. Holy fuck, it was worse than I could have possibly imagined. My news feed was loaded with people praising this commercial as the best commercial of the night.

I'm hoping that this is just because I am from Iowa, and Iowans literally nut all over themselves if they hear the word "farmer." I only know like three people that actually grew up on a farm, but goddamn if 90% of the state doesn't identify with the words "farmer" and "cowboy" when they are, in fact, neither.

It honestly doesn't even make sense these days. Farming isn't this hard days in the field, noble activity. There's a shit ton of technology where most people can probably run a farm on their iPad. Is there still hard work and long days involved at times? Of course, but there are hard workers in every job imaginable. I'm sure there are some amazing fast food employees, but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "farmers." It appeals to a nostalgia that people never even experienced. People hear an old speech about farmers, and it somehow reminds them of everything right in the world, even though they know nothing of farming. That amazes me.

It appeals to the lowest common denominator, which, come to think of it, are the people most likely to be influenced to buy a pickup truck from a Super Bowl ad.

I guess it was the best commercial of the Super Bowl (Fast 6 excluded, obviously). Congratulations, Dodge, and readers, if you see somebody driving a Ram, beware, there is a very good chance that they are only a partially functioning retarded person.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 2 - Blood in the Water

2013-01-31T05:06:00.000-06:00

Well, this preview is late, and for that, I apologize, but what better way to get ready for an episode tonight than getting all caught up on last week's action? Who did the best lawyering last week? Well, that's what I'm here to answer, as I have an expert legal mind when it comes to dramatic lawyer shows that go over very little actual lawyering. I may not have a law degree, but I do have the Law & Order theme on my phone, so, yeah, I'd say I'm more than qualified.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey shows up on time for once, only to learn he may be losing a top internet client. Harvey is obsessed with not losing a client, because he may lose his client with the coolest name, Trent Devin. Harvey is all up in Louis's face, because of all the stress throughout the firm. He calls him out for all of his shit, and makes Louis look like a real bitch. It's a classic power move, although it actually backfires on him as Louis is ready to leave the firm. After getting scolded by Jessica, he makes the least amount of effort possible to retain Louis, and Louis takes it as the greatest gesture ever. That's manipulation at its best. At its next best is convincing a client to let him look over the new deal, so he could prove that it was too good to be true. No losing clients for Harvey, although Jessica still won't put his name on the wall.

2. Jessica Pearson - She's all hot and bothered, and not in the good way, because the firm is losing clients. She actually showed some heart when Louis came to her looking for a way out. She reassured Louis and kept him in the firm by being nice, because even though she signed the sheet, she still hoped they could retain Louis. She made Harvey be nice to Louis, because he has to prove himself to get his name next to hers. She made a strong case for being number one this week, but she talked trash about Michael Jordan, and that is unacceptable.

3. Jimmy - He screwed over Pearson Hardman, got fired, and ended up with a better job. Now he's got an office, and his firm is taking people from his old employer. He's got enough money to buy Mike beers. Life is good for Jimmy. Even though he was kind of a scumbag back in the day, Jimmy is likable, and that's a good combination for lawyering. Plus, he now gets to work with Harold, which may be the greatest spinoff show of all time.

4. Harold Jakowski - He put in too much toner in the copier, but that was the least of his worries. His second biggest worry is that he did a kickass job on everything Louis asked him to do, but still got fired since they lost the client. Harold believes he would have been much better off had he known Mike at Harvard, but little does he know that he would have just had easy access to weed had that been the case. His biggest worry was that he got a shark tattoo that looks like a manatee. Luckily, he got a job at another law firm. Don't ever stop Harolding, Harold.

5.Louis Litt - First he messed with Jessica Pearson, and now he is messing with Harold. This is not good kharma, which may be causing him to lose clients. He set up a meeting with the evil Allison Holt to try and jump ship. Unfortunately, he showed how worthless he was before asking for things, which is not the best negotiation strategy. He first aided Mike and helped him find the problem in the deal that was too good to be true for Trent's company. Although he left his resignation letter on the desk, it was impossible to believe in it. Louis is a dog that is just desperate for a bone, and Harvey gave him that by ripping up his resignation letter. Louis has now forgotten all the mean shit that everyone has done to him (some of it deserved) and is fully on board with Pearson Hardman.

6. Mike Ross - He starts the episode by vacuuming up all of his weed, which seems like a silly thing to do. They established that Harvey smokes weed last season, so there is a baseline for doing that. He's just acting emotional, because he slept with some dude's wife. He could have smoked some of that weed to take away from the pain of getting his ass kicked by Tess's husband.. A real lawyer would have tied him up in a rhetoric battle instead of a physical battle. He did save himself by getting Harold a new job, because Harold is the best.

7. Allison Holt - She's still an icy cold broad, who says she does her own thing, but Harvey and Jessica don't trust her. She gave Louis the hard sell on jumping ship, because he negotiated like a child. That was some good lawyering. Unfortunately, she got hardcore outlawyered by Harvey, and that's bad lawyering.

8. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN still has his name on the wall, WHAT!

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Donna Paulsen - She's on the ball on everything. Her acting a little bit scared makes Harvey scared. That's kind of wild that she literally can control Harvey's feelings. She is the puppet master. Make sure to get her coffee, because despite being all-powerful, she loves a good latte.