Uncle Rico's Time Machine

sweet, sweet, sweet ass victory: part deux

2010-02-08T08:00:00.000-06:00

i don't know what in the hell i did to make the football god's smile upon me in such a manner this season (discontinuing this blog probably had something to do with it), but my two favorite football teams, both who have suffered varying degrees of sucktitude in the past (the saints their entire lives, and bama for the last 15 years or so) had championship seasons. if you want to know what the view is like in football heaven, feel free to ask.

they should put a bronze statue of his ball sack in canton
your mvp. don't even know where to start with this guy
port allen's own tracy f'ing porter
LOMBARDI-GRAS BITCHES!!!!

sweet, sweet, sweet ass victory

2010-01-08T00:39:00.006-06:00

you had to know i was gonna venture out of my hole for this, right??

what having to run 300 yards of belly flops in the offseason looks like.
it tastes so good when it touches your lips!!!
its like looking into arnold's eyes when he's the terminator. they look real enough...but they're not quite human.

for max

2009-09-02T12:00:00.003-05:00

because max made me fell all warm and fuzzy, and because i can barely contain the tingling in my college football loins right now, i am sticking my head out of my reclusive lair for a moment (but only for a moment). enjoy...or don't...but if you don't...you can suck it.

sec predictions:
east:
florida 12-0 (8-0)
uga 8-4 (5-3)
tennessee 7-5 (4-4)
kentucky 7-5 (3-5)
vandy 4-8 (2-6)
south carolina 4-8 (2-6)

west:
bama 11-1 (7-1)
ole miss 10-2 (6-2)
lsu 9-3 (5-3)
arkansas 7-5 (3-5)
auburn 5-7 (3-5)
miss state 4-8 (2-6)

champion - florida over bama (again)

my top 10: (because who really gives a shit about 11-25??)
1. florida
2. texas
3. oklahoma
4. bama
5. ohio state
6. usc
7. penn state
8. oklahoma state
9. georgia tech
10. ole miss

and of course, it wouldn't be uncle rico without showing thine enemy a little lovin'...

bama - 24
va tech - 16

why?? simply put?? b/c i don't expect va tech to be able to score very much with tyrod taylor and little to nothing else. i also expect greg mcelroy/the tide offense to surprise some people with his play this year, and that starts on saturday.

it hurts to set you free

2009-01-15T08:00:00.002-06:00

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free

yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of uncle rico's time machine. its been a fun ride that lasted way longer than i ever expected. what started out as a way to cut down on "reply alls" on emails between me and some buddies turned into this. and now, 18+ months, 865 posts, more than 76,000 visitors, more than 149,000 page views, and more than 2300 comments later, it ends. we've covered everything from college football, to ice hockey, to boozin', to music, to boobies (actually we talked about boobies and the women attached to them quite a bit), and most everything in between. a big thank you to all of those who contributed through posts and/or comments, as well as any and all other sites out there who ever linked to us. however, do not fret. you can rest assured that i will still be cruising the blogosphere, dropping lyrical bombs on other peoples' unsuspecting blogs. i will also be leaving the site up and functional (at least for the time being) should you want to drop some knowledge on here, i just won't be posting any new material. what did you like about uncle rico? dislike? fucking hate?? any posts and/or comment fights from the past stand out?? let me know in the comments.

your friend in all things that kick ass,

gerry dorsey

ps - i'd also like to send a very special shout out to the man who's name is the number one search term that brings people to this site (and it isn't even fucking close)...rush propst. and yes, i'm absolutely serious.

moving on

2009-01-09T15:30:00.000-06:00

well there you have it...college football season comes to a close. granted we still have nfl playoffs over the next couple weeks, but with no saints (shocker), that just doesn't float my boat like college football season...but i am very interested. in terms of the college sports fan, its now time for college hoops, and more specifically, conference play in college hoops. the tide kicks off the conference slate by welcoming lsu to t'town on sunday. both of these teams are highly mediocre, yet they still both stand a decent chance of winning their weak ass division. hell this game could actually be a very nice gauge for who is the favorite to do just that. i'm rarely one to call for a coach's head, so i'm not doing that, but mark gottfried's life at alabama is hanging in the balance this season. no invite to the big dance and he's toast. i really like gottfried, so i will always be torn on the subject, but the program has peaked under him and its time to move on if he can't get it done this year. for the record, i don't expect him to get it done this year. either way, i'll be there every step of the way b/c i'm a glutton for punishment (please refer to the fact that i'm a saints fan).

bama basketball: sometimes a picture IS worth 1000 words

CHOMPions...get it??

2009-01-09T08:30:00.001-06:00

the two headed monster
congratulations to the florida gators for winning their second bcs championship in 3 years. as most of you know, my sec loyalty extends to 11 of the 12 sec teams, and the gators are one of them. i couldn't help but notice a similarity in this game, and the last game the gators played against a team wearing crimson. the gators let them hang around for three quarters or so, letting the team and their fans believe there was a legit chance at victory, only for god's warrior to put the game on his back and crush their hopes and dreams in the 4th quarter. i always hate it when people start talking about "the greatest of all time" in the immediate aftermath of a sporting event, but where is god's warrior's place in cfb history?? i'm not saying he's the best, but he's pretty damn high on the list given the resume he has put together. is he coming back for even more??

ps: S-E-C...S-E-C...S-E-C...S-E-C...

get your tickets to the brainiac convention

2009-01-08T10:00:00.000-06:00

are you fucking kidding me espn??

things i've learned this bowl season

2009-01-07T09:30:00.000-06:00

-larry fedora is putting something together at usm. he has a dual threat qb who really seemed to start to figure things out as the year went on, and he's only a freshman. fedora will continue to recruit well (for usm) and continue to put an exciting brand of football on the field. oh yeah, and deandre brown's leg is FRA-GEEL-LAY. seriously...you ever seen a leg break just by taking a step like that?? luckily he is expected by next season.

-tcu is the real deal. if they don't shit the bed @ utah, they finish with a mere one loss @ oklahoma. and oh by the way, they held the sooners to their lowest point total of the season. for reasons i can't figure out, nobody seems interested in hiring gary patterson who's senior class just finished winning 41 games in their 4 years. tcu fans thank you for your ignorance.

-notre dame actually CAN win a bowl game...and jimmy clausen is going to win the heisman next year.

-college football was a better place with pat white in it.

-no game exhibited the discrepency between the big, slow big 10 and the other bcs conferences like florida state smoking wisconsin.

-you might want to keep your eye on cal sophmore rb jahvid best. dat boy good.

-viva louisiana tech!!

-another one to keep an eye on is oregon qb jeremiah masoli. he went all tim tebow and completely embarrassed numerous members of the okie light secondary (see here
and here).

-even mississippi state v. auburn is more exciting than oregon state v. pitt.

-congrats to vandy. i can't lie, i thought the eagles were gonna roll you.

-i'm tired of hearing about how usc is the best team at the end of every season. if they didn't routinely take weeks off in september and october they'd get the chance to prove it on the field. for what its worth they were merely toying with penn state. i was like varsity v. the jv squad.

-did they play the orange bowl this year??

-fear houston nutt. fear him.

-ohio state's postseason run is approaching sad. however, i'm willing to bet terrell pryor will win a bowl game or two. he's gonna be a good one...unfortunately.

-our suspicions about the big 12 were right...they don't like defense. they don't like to play it, nor do they like to play offense against it. mizzou struggled against a very mediocre northwestern defense, oregon freakin' gashed okie light (see above), ole miss scored their highest point total of the season against texas tech, and the horns beat the buckeyes, but not without giving up a fair amount of points and yards to a so-so offense. if beanie wells doesn't get hurt, we may have a different story.

-which leads me to my thoughts on the final bowl game of the season. i think the gators will take care of business against the sooners. i think the versatile gator offense will slowly rack up points, but the difference will be the gator's ability to slow (not stop) the sooner offense.

gators 37
sooners 31

tide get ready to roll!!

2009-01-02T15:00:00.000-06:00

soak it in kids, its the final good luck charm of the season.

insanity personified

2009-01-02T12:15:00.000-06:00

hopefully everybody had a safe and happy new year, now enjoy your new year's day jr.

utah weekend forecast: mostly sunny with isolated showers

2009-01-02T08:00:00.002-06:00

is that a "ute?"
look, unless bama decides to drink every single hand grenade in the french quarter, or every single starter decides to go all "agenty" like andre smith, there is no reason for bama not to whip utah's ass. they are bigger, stronger, faster, and have better coaching than utah. the aspect which you will notice this more than any other is in the trenches. the bama d-line actually weighs more (on average) than the utes o-line. you don't see that very often. and bama's o-line outweighs utah's d-line by an average of 43 freakin' pounds!! the utes are going to roll a d-lineman out there who weighs 245 lbs. terrence cody's left tit weighs 245 lbs. obviously the loss of andre will hurt, but i can't imagine it being a game changer. i also can't imagine any way the tide doesn't run the ball at will. jpw may not throw downfield all night, which is why i'm not even going to get into to mismatches at the skill positions...which are immense. with all that working against the utes, they have one major adavantage in this game...this is their super bowl. a few weeks ago the tide was 15 minutes away from a bcs championship berth, and now they have to regroup and give a shit about playing a team from the mountain west. as usual, i trust the saban to have them focused, but only time will tell.

bama 34
utah 17

get pumped up utah fan!!

love thine enemy: utah

2009-01-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

what?? its a thursday before a game...did you think i wasn't going to deliver??

merry freakin' christmas

2008-12-25T10:15:00.000-06:00

your boy gerry and the 69 boyz wish a safe and merry christmas to you and yours.

bowl picks: day quatro

2008-12-23T21:30:00.000-06:00

sheraton hawaii
hawaii vs notre dame honolulu
aloha stadium 7pm espn
the pick: notre dame -2
por que?: b/c the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then...in other words simple odds tell me they can't possibly lose too many more bowl games in a row

bowl picks: day tres

2008-12-22T21:30:00.000-06:00

san diego county credit union poinsettia bowl
boise state vs tcu @ san diego
qualcomm stadium 7pm cst espn
the pick: tcu -3
por que?: tcu's only losses are to oklahoma @ oklahoma and byu @ byu. these boys are solid. boise hasn't played anyone like them all year.

a coupla misers

2008-12-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

a high of 70 yesterday...and a low of 20 tonight...gotta be the work of the misers. this one is a classic in my family.

bowl picks: day dos

2008-12-20T16:30:00.001-06:00

r+l carriers new orleans bowl
southern miss vs. troy @ new orleans (how ironic)
superdome 7:15pm cst espn
the pick: troy -4
por que?: troy has lost 4 games, and 3 of them were to teams from bcs conferences. both teams can light up the scoreboard, but the trojans hold off the golden eagles.

go east young man

2008-12-19T13:00:00.002-06:00

as you read this i am on the road driving from dallas to tuscaloosa for the holidays. i'll be doing some hit and miss posting while i'm there. lord knows i'll have some free time. as you can tell from this morning i'll be doing my bowl picks at the very least, and i'll also be throwing in some other relevant stuff. things to look for this weekend...obviously bowl games, the nfl playoff picture taking shape, and on a local interest level, the final game in texas stadium. for those of you who have never been to texas stadium, it is easily the biggest dump in the nfl. having said that there is a tremendous amount of history there. i was personally in the house the day that emmitt broke the all time rushing record. i was also there 2 years ago when the saints put a beatdown on that ass. yet another reason texas stadium holds a special place in my heart is b/c it was my place of employment for the better part of my first two years out of college. despite that, i say implode that freakin' eye sore. in the meantime, i'm on the road... 8+ hours, 600 miles, and a 90 lb german shepherd. for that reason i give you some kick ass driving music. the late, great jerry reed with "east bound and down," b/c that's what i'll be doing, except with logan...not fred.

bowl picks: day uno

2008-12-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

i'll be doing all my bowl picks the day before so as to give you time to call your bookie since you're going to take my picks as the word of god. actually its b/c some of these games kick off ridiculously early and i don't feel like having to deal with that. enjoy...and bring on the ball busting.

(all times central)

eaglebank bowl
wake forest vs. navy @ washington dc
rfk stadium 10am espn
the pick: navy +3
por que?: this game is actually a rematch from earlier this year, with navy winning the first meeting...i think they complete the sweep.

new mexico bowl
colorado state vs. fresno state @ albuquerque
university stadium 1:30pm espn
the pick: fresno -3
por que?: both of these teams suck and lost to pretty much any decent team they've played. give me pat hill's mustache...anybody, anytime, anywhere.

magicjack st. petersburg bowl
memphis vs. south florida @ st. petersburg, fl (what a coincidence)
tropicana field 3:30pm espn2
the pick: memphis +13
por que?: despite it basically being a home game for the bulls, these two teams are going in different directions. memphis got better as the season went on, and the bulls got worse. the bulls win, but don't cover.

pioneer las vegas bowl
byu vs. arizona @ las vegas (what do ya know??)
sam boyd stadium 7pm espn
the pick: byu +3
por que?: because the mountain west owns the pac 10.

aaaahhhh who am i trying to kid??

2008-12-18T13:30:00.001-06:00

between computer issues, work issues, and preparing for the christmas road trip tomorrow, i ain't got time for postin'. HOWEVA!! (steven a. smith voice) rest assured i will be back tomorrow with my first bowl picks of the season, which if last bowl season is any indication means big bucks for you if you simply do the exact opposite of what i tell you to do...except now that i said that you should probably listen to me. aaaahh fuck it. tune in tomorrow for that. for today, rock your balls off christmas style.

free of porn viruses once again

2008-12-17T16:30:00.000-06:00

the laptop is fixed, and hopefully so is my photobucket bandwith. no time to put anything together today, so we'll pick it back up tomorrow with some bowl talk before they get going this weekend. until then, gratuituous boobes.

santa claus is a black man

2008-12-17T08:00:00.001-06:00

the laptop is still in the hospital. hopefully it will get discharged this afternoon. in the meantime, a little something to get you into the spirit of things.

quick hits: what the fook are they doing edition

2008-12-16T08:00:00.001-06:00

ed note: this post was supposed to go up yesterday afternoon, but guess what...the laptop crapped out again. so who the hell knows when i'll get to post again.

-the heisman trophy is quickly going the way of the bcs, and that is to say irrelevance due to idiocy. as you all know, sam bradford won the heisman saturday night, but to me, that's not news. the closer it got, the more obvious it became that the trophy was bradford's. and let me go ahead and say that all 3 of these guys were very deserving, and i really don't have a horse in this race. however what gets me is the way it was decided. in the end, it was an extremely close vote (you can view the totals here), but the part that gets me is the voters themselves. its a fucking crock. so many agendas and so many half asses, that its ruining the whole thing. take a look at some of the ballots here. from guys only voting for one candidate (meaning the other two get zero points), to guys voting for various slapdicks that you know have no business being on the ballot (max hall or rashad johnson anyone??). so ridiculous. after sifting through all the bullshit it results in the guy who gets the most first place votes finishing third overall. yeah, that makes a pantload of sense. and then, the icing on the cake, was billy sims whipping his weiner out and peeing on everyone's otherwise respectable party.

-monte kiffin is leaving the bucs to join son's staff at tennessee. have you noticed that noone is making a very big deal out of this?? i don't really think its a big deal either. sure its a flashy name, but i don't know that equals badass defense. first of all i don't see monte being successful immediately simply b/c of the differences in coaching pro athletes vs. college athletes. and secondly, by the time his scheme comes around to working, his old ass will be retiring. hell, i was more afraid of chavis than this hire.

-is muncie, indiana the worst place on earth or what?? i know it would have to be for me to leave a 12-1 ball state program to go to a 2-10 san diego state team. and that's exactly what brady hoke did. if you're going to leave a kick ass mac program for a struggling program in another conference, isn't it at least supposed to be a bcs conference?? call me crazy.

-and in a final local intrest story, sean avery will neva eva eva eva eva...EVA...play hockey for the stars again. lest you think it was just b/c of his "sloppy seconds" comment, his teammates had grown tired of his bullshit long before that and this incident simply gave them an out. this all comes just 23 games into a four-year, $15.5 million guaranteed contract. if they're paying you that kind of coin to just stay away, they really fucking hate you. in any event, it once again gives me an excuse to post a pic of one of his ex girlfriends.

that's racktastic!

really auburn?? really?!?

2008-12-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

as i'm sure all who are interested already know, auburn has ~~saved iowa state the trouble of firing~~ hired gene chizik as the coach to replace tommy tuberville. i'm blown away by this. as a rival fan i almost can't even truly enjoy this b/c i'm having trouble even wrapping my brain around it. its a complete bed wetting. i didn't think they had interviewed anyone very impressive (turner gill, gary patterson, todd graham, etc), but at least these guys had sizable potential upsides. am i to believe chizik is suddenly going to figure out how to recruit and win in the sec after COMPLETELY failing at both in the big 12?? i personally hope iowa state now hires turner gill and he goes up there and makes a respectable program out of them while gene chizik does what he's no doubt going to do in auburn. the auburn fanbase is understandably beside themselves, and there is a nice little summary of their feelings over at roll bama roll. i think the video of jay jacobs returning from hiring chizik pretty well sums up the entire situation on the plains right now as well. weren't auburn fans making fun of bama fans worshipping saban when he arrived in tuscaloosa?? how's that look now??

auburn can't even get this right

college footall withdrawals: weekend 1

2008-12-12T15:30:00.001-06:00

well here we go. that annual lull between the regular season and bowl season. sure you've got the heisman trophy presentation this weekend, and i'm probably going to tune in, but who really gives a shit?? and given that they played last night i don't even have the saints to fall back on. so what to do?? well so far this holiday season i've managed to avoid all christmas parties. i've responded "no" to many an evite, and even turned down the invite to the company party (last year was open bar...this year is cash bar?? kiss my ass)...but that streak ends tomorrow night. at least i managed to avoid the shindig the girlfriend is attending tonight at one of dallas' douchier bars...and that's saying something. with a little luck i'll at least be able to avoid all areas of commerce which the girlfriend is trying to drag me too. a christmas time trip to the mall will end in a fight everytime b/c i just go insane being around that amount of "public" (see idiots). given all the stress this time of year causes between annoying parties, ridiculous trips to the mall, and the assinine amount of money i'll spend...this time of year is brought to you by the godsmack (who i can't believe has never been featured on here) song "stress." unfortunately it sounds like shit, but its the best i could find, so turn it up and rock out anyway.