I was just reading the archives of this blog from way back in the beginning of this journey. When the wound was still wide open and raw. I know God's word tells us not to look back. But, I like to see where I have been and where I am going, making sure all the while I am following the ancient proven road, that of Jesus Christ. I noticed in the early days I wrote Elena made me a different person, a better person. The truth is, she didn't. Now, don't get me wrong she changed my life in a positive way. But she didn't make me a different person. Only one person can make you all together different from who you are or once were to who you are today or will be tomorrow.
You see I kept forgetting I had 2 major changes in my life at the same time. Remember while pregnant with Elena I also accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. That name has become so sweet to my ears. That's a name that can make all the difference you could ever want. I can honestly say I don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for Him. Many people around me are always commenting on how my face just glows (no, I am not pregnant lol). I laugh because I know what it is. It's Jesus inside me illuminating all the way through to the outside. Just call me His luminary, Amen?!
I look back now and all I can say is, WOW! Sometimes I see people struggling and I just want to burst forth proclaiming, "I can't help you but, I know someone who can, His name is Jesus"!!! I know some of your know Him too and can fully understand where I am coming from. I also know some of you know Him but don't allow Him to know you. To that I say, what a shame. To know of His wonderful power yet not allow Him to use it. The only thing that can explain that is "insanity".
To those of you who don't know Him or have forgotten, this is What Jesus does for me.
He loves me, He comforts me, He understands me, He walks with me,He listens to me, He protects me, He strengthens me, He heals me, He gives me peace and hope, He provides for me, He guides me and Praise God for this one, He forgives me. These are just the things I can think of, that He does on a daily basis.
Mostly He's the best friend I ever had. He can be yours too. All you have to do is open your heart, ask for forgiveness, accept him as your Lord and Savior and ask him in. He's knocking at the door, opening it will be the best thing you have ever done.
Revelations 3:20
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.
Before you know it you too will be illuminating from the inside out!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
I read this verse several weeks ago, and I had a revelation. We're coming up on Elena's 2nd Angelversary, yet it has only been a moment. It feels like forever since I've held her, yet it has only been a moment. However, and here's the glorious part I will hold her once again, and it will be for eternity. Speaking of eternity have you ever tried to wrap your mind around that concept. I have been trying to for months and still can't grasp it. Eternity, forever and ever and ever and ever............In other words way beyond and exceedingly more than anything we can possibly think eternity can mean. An infinite time span. Which means all this time I have been grieving will eventually end up being but a blink of the eye. How awesome is that. I think grasping the concept in this verse "but for a moment", doesn't just apply to my particular situation but to any season of life you may feel is never going to end.
Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not an expert in staying calm during the storm. But, doesn't it give you hope just knowing in the grand scheme of things, whatever your enduring really doesn't matter. Okay, wrong choice of words. Not that it doesn't matter but eventually it will just be a brief portion of time in which you had to endure some pain and suffering to bring you one step closer to the person God intended you to be. We can get so caught up in the having to know why this very moment, we are blinded to the molding process which is occurring in the background. Think back to a time in your past which you thought would never end and at the time knowing why it was happening to you was eating away at you. Now you can see how that experience has made you into who you are now. This applies to good times as well as bad.
I guess what i'm saying is, when you in the midst of the storm. Praise God and remember his promise, it is only a light and momentary trouble. And keeping faith in the things you can't see puts your thoughts in focus to get you through the things you can see.
Hebrews 11:Now faith is the substance of things hope for, the evidence of things not seen.
Update on Jerry and me:
We are doing well. We still have our bad days miss her and wish she was here, but know we will see her soon.The Lord has been doing a great work in us both, and he has restored our joy. On her second birthday we had no sorrow, only joy. I was happy it was her second birthday, she's almost a big girl now.
We have also gotten to the point where we are in prayer for another heavenly blessing so please join in prayer and praise for the blessings which are on their way. We are expecting the wonderful things God has in store for us.
And to those of you who have prayed for us, thank you, thank you, thank you.
What does it mean to be saved? This question has taunted me for just about a year. Someone near and dear to my heart asked me this question and I froze. I can remember the tone by which she said it. She had taken a little bit of offense having heard this bit of christian-ese talk over the week she spent with me. I couldn't really answer her question. I know I thought (although not sure if I said it out loud), "I don't know but you would know, if you were saved". (I know i'm a little to blunt for my own good). I remember not wanting to answer for fear I would do more harm than good. So I am accepting the challenge and answering the question.
This is what being SAVED means to me.
Being saved to me is particularly special, because of how I am saved. "For God so loved the world (me), that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. To me that is a WOW! He gave the ultimate sacrifice so I would not perish. Do you get that? Having lost my little girl that means so much to me. Can you imagine a love so strong, so strong in fact, you do the unthinkable. He sacrificed his son for us. Who are we? I certainly don't feel I would give up Elena for someone else, particularly,for someone who to often is ungrateful and won't accept a free gift. But, that just shows how awesome our God is. His love is never ending. He only wants the best for his children. To me being saved means being free, being strong, being understood, feeling loved, being comforted. It's knowing God's got my back. And, who's more powerful than him? NO ONE! It's Knowing that there is a place in heaven awaiting me.
Prior to being saved I can vividly remember thinking about whether I would go to heaven or hell. I knew I was going to hell and I remember I thought of what hell would be like and my heart would start to palpitate and my hands would shake a bit, just from fear of spending all of eternity there. It makes me so happy to report, I haven't had those anxiety attacks in quite sometime. You see I had heard the gospel. I knew better. Yet, I chose to turn away and pretend I didn't hear anything, to pretend I didn't care where I spent eternity. When I think about it now, I realize I had been looking for God since I was a child. I was looking in all the wrong places, because I never thought to look in my heart. I thought to know God meant a lot of pomp and circumstance. I was looking to someone in the flesh to show me and represent God. Rather than relying on God himself to show me the way. God has revealed himself to me in ways I can't even explain. I love how God challenges me daily to be the best me possible. Although believe me some days this is better achieved than others. I just pray daily for God to sanctify me to the point of overflow so it may spill over to someone else, who is desperate for his love, yet they don't know it.
It's funny all this writing and I still feel I haven't done the question any justice. I guess I can also explain it as having a new relationship that continues to grow and grow. I learn something new everyday. It's having a lamp shining the way as opposed to walking in the darkness. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105. I don't know about you, but I certainly hate it when I stub my toe in the middle of the night, because I can't see. Being saved also means allowing Jesus to dwell within your heart. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."Galatians 2:20. Being saved means being redeemed. Were you worth the purchase price? God thinks we all were.
It's funny as I look back on this entry it reminds me of something one of my friends said to me. She said, "when I was saved I thought okay, but i'm not gonna be one of those bible thumping christians". I remember feeling the same way, now nothing pleases me or brings me greater comfort than getting deeper into the word of God and understanding it. Growing in my walk with him, is what I look forward to most days. I'm telling you him dwelling in you, changes you in ways you swore would never happen and you welcome it in ways you never thought you would. I love expecting to see God working everyday.
Simply put I am Saved because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.
“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
I suppose being Saved is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt one day I will hear God say "well done, good and faithful servant", God wants to SAVE you, just like he did me. His word says it gives him great joy and he delights in it.
Wow. You know it's been a long time when you have to think of your log-in and password. A lot has happened since our last encounter. Let's see, where do I begin? Well there was a big step on the home front, Elena's bassinet is no longer in our bed room. I made the mistake of not consulting Jerry prior to this drastic change. Needless to say he was not happy, and rightfully so. It was very awkward at first, coming up the stairs you could always see it, so it's a little weird not having it there anymore. The room looks empty. All though we have gotten used to it, and I personally don't feel this droning dull reminder of my being childless.
Speaking of children I am an aunt five times over now. Newest is a chunky monkey named Joel Isaiah, he is beautiful and certainly much friendlier than his older sister(LOL). I was there when he was born, not in the delivery room (not ready for that yet) but there. Talk about being uncomfortable. At that time I was not prepared to hold him. It took everything in me not to cry and to just be happy for my brother and his new bundle of joy. Since then I got to spend a long weekend with my brothers kids while at his graduation from boot camp (I am very proud him! SHHHH don't tell him I said that). I was able to come face to face with fear. I could feel the fear taunting me, laughing at me, it's hot breathe on my neck. We began our little "pa-so doable" before I even left my house. I knew I would have to conquer fear (because fear does not come from God). I will never forget the first time I held Joel, we were in a Mc Donald's parking lot off some exit in Georgia. We had stopped for a diaper change and to make it faster, after his mom changed his diaper I quickly grabbed him to put him in the car seat (which by the way hit me like a mack truck when I realized his car seat was on the same side of my car that Elena's was) buckled him in and cried silently. Whew! Okay so that was hard but I was still alive. Then I realized I had a whole 5 more hours to lament on how it felt to hold a baby for the first time since Elena. I realize now that was just the right time for me to hold him. It was just God, fear and myself and I was not allowing fear to win. You see I couldn't wait for the first time to be when intimate family members were around. The look of pitty and poor thing or their feeling extremely uncomfortable and not being able to hide it would surely take me over the edge. Which by the way I could sense whenever I held him after that and family was around. I have to admit it felt glorious and full-filling to hold a baby again. He just wasn't mine. I felt I had to stay in control and not hold the baby too much. For fear people would start t worry. It just felt so good. I feel if it was a girl it would have been all the more difficult.
Of Course since holding a baby. The longing to have one is that much greater now. There are some days I feel I would be better off never having held him. Feeling that feeling you feel that burns you to the core knowing you have to give him back to his mamma, because this season you don't get to hold your baby. You only get the memories of holding your baby. Smelling your baby. Watching your baby. Comforting your baby. Cooing your baby. Humming and singing to your baby. Feeling the joy and pride of knowing this is my baby. I joked that Joel was so sweet and smelled so good, I was going to take him home and keep him. I'm not going to lie to you, I hoped and wished I could. I recently went to go see Joel, this time with Jerry. Poor thing Jerry had the same frightened look on his face, I had after Joel was born. I didn't hold him much because I didn't want to torment Jerry. But when I held him and since then I long so much to have a baby of my own. Impatience has kicked in again and even anger peeks it's ugly face from time to time. At times I feel like, here we go all over again! having to jump start healing again. And let us not forget the so called "Holiday" approaching.
To help me with my impatience and resentment I have been meditating on this verses:
Psalm 28:6-7
6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 27:13-14
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Wait, I imagine God is teaching me to wait. While I wait, I will praise and trust he knows best. I know you can all understand just how hard this it is, to just wait.
To all you mothers, Have a Happy Mother's Day! Hold your kids a little longer, some of us can't.
Well, all of the firsts are over praise God, just a bit bittersweet for me. Bitter because it's been one year since I held my baby girl, wow already a year has past, so fast. Sweet because I survived and my walk with Lord is greater and stronger than it ever has been. I praise God for carrying me this past year. Who knows where I would be if not for his grace. I am at peace knowing Elena and I are only apart for a season. This past year has definitely been a time of soul searching, digging deep within me to find out who I am and what I believe in and where I want to go from here on out. Getting and setting my priorities straight have been of up most importance for me. It's a shame it takes a personal life crisis for us to put ourselves under the microscope and truly evaluate all the imperfections and where we have been and where we are going.
I have come a very long way and still have a very long way to go. It's a struggle everyday to be the very best me I can be (oh, how I hate the moments of backslides). Navigating through life with a new hope and strength. Remembering how unhappy the old me was and making sure I don't return. Oh, how grateful I am for my faith in God. Knowing his promises, knowing he has a spectacular plan for me beyond anything I could ever imagine. Learning to hear his voice and not my own. It's funny I talk about God so much now. He's probably the main topic at least 75% of the time as well he should be. I understand some of you reading this who know me personally are probably a bit confused about my "new life". But I have to tell you, I am so happy and content. Seriously without God's Love and Mercies, I would surely be a miserable basket case, "a nut job". I love that I am reinventing myself into a better, kinder, empathetic person. Sometimes I think back and say wow, I was just MEAN. Who did I think I was? I seriously suffered from illusions of grandeur. Thank God for reality checks. Amen!?
I received the statement below in an e-mail, I love it. How true it is, How true it is.
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
I added a new song your probably listening to right now of the same title as this entry, It truly explains how I feel with regards to this past year, better yet my life.
I Never would have made it, without God!
I have to say I have been doing well. I have been very blessed and busy. This is Elena's Christmas Tree, We will be placing this at her marker. Thanksgiving was good very peaceful just us and the in laws nice and quite at the kitchen table. For me it had to be different from last year, when the topic was the coming baby all through out. Immediately following I volunteered to help decorate my Church Sanctuary. I figured let me start the holidays by Christmas decorating for God. Praise God I found such a peace and I worked with someone I could just talk to about nothing at all yet, knows the situation and was sensitive to that as well. While decorating for God I realized I still have to decorate for Elena. You see I love Christmas everything about Christmas. This year I was going to have a baby, a child of my own to include in my traditions to see her eyes light up at the sight of presents. I know I'm too much; she was only going to be one, but she could still open presents. So, I feel why not make it special anyway in her memory. So as far as decorating goes I will be going all out on the inside of the house (no body drives down my street to bother with the outside). We are also participating with the church's Angel Tree program in her memory. We're becoming very active on her behalf another blessing in disguise I'm sure. I picked our angel to provide a gift off of the tree and low and behold I got a one year old little girl. I think it would be great to pick one every year based on how old Elena would be.
This holiday season and as the close of another year approaches, I think we should all be grateful for our blessings. We all have blessings. Believe me I know we all have sorrows too. But why dwell on the negative which makes us angry, we can't change anything. So we might as well make the absolute best attempt to turn the sad into good, for our own good. A couple of weeks ago during a Sunday Service my Pastor asked for a raise of hands of those who have health, relationship, or financial hardships at this time for prayer. And it occurred to me. What a blessing, I couldn't raise my hand. Health wise, I think I'm okay, overweight but okay. Relationship, Jerry and I are doing great no complaints here. And financial, the Good Lord is providing all of our needs and a tiny bit extra. What else could I ask for. Yes, I don't have my little angel, but at least I know where she is. Sometimes I think about parents whose children have been kidnapped and the have no idea as to the condition of their child or if they are even alive. And I think to myself I am blessed I got to say goodbye, I got to hold her one last time. Yes, yes I am blessed.
If I could ask a favor of you all in your holiday shopping if you happen to run into a pink and green stocking, please Email me the name of the store so I can pick one up. I'm trying to find one for Elena and of course it has to be in her colors.
Today it's chilly out. Getting our cold weather you know the 70's all day, hey for Florida that's cold. More and more I am reminiscent of this time last year. Suffocating while everyone around me is freezing. When my belly was full, birthing classes would be starting very soon. The wobble a little wider. The back pain unbearable, and don't even get me started on the heart burn (you all see how much hair she had, right). The baby book was getting filled out. Reading five different pregnancy books and every baby magazine I could get my hands on. Waiting for the nursery furniture to arrive. Looking for the perfect bedding set. Counting down the days. Feeling her in my tummy constantly moving around. Getting impatient about the day I would come to meet her. The cold reminds me of waiting for and holding her. After she went to heaven it never really got cold again. I found myself commenting on the beautiful weather at least twenty times today. Then it dawned on me it's not the weather it's the memories of my sweet baby. The absolute joy I felt this time last year. WOW! What a difference a year makes.
Then there's the absolute dread of the season to come. THE HOLIDAYS! immediately followed by her 1st birthday. The other day I received a catalog on 1st birthday kits, of course the tears came rollin in. My gosh, can they think of anything else. I feel tormented sometimes. Like constant old neon lights with their annoying buzzing and flickering all the time, reminding me I don't have a baby to hold. I'm trying to keep it together. Reminding myself the anticipation is always worse than the act (or in our case, the day) itself.
I do know, I'd like to do something special for her 1st birthday. What, is the question.
To our sweet sweet baby girl, Happy Birthday, Mommie and Daddie Love you very much.
Everything is okay right now. The more time goes be the more back to normal we seem to be getting. Don't get me wrong, we still think of her every waking moment of the day. We really really miss her. Sunday was very emotional for us. We had another one of "Elena's Graduation Ceremonies". The hospital puts on these Memorial Services for Bereaved parents every 6 months, and they roll call and have a moment of silence for each name while the parents come up and collect a rose. Since it's the closest we'll get we call it her Graduation. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to attend. You know rehash when we've come so far. Yet, I am so glad I did go. It just feels so good after having a good SOB. You immediately feel refreshed. You know what I mean, crying so hard you begin to hyperventilate almost and your chest starts to hurt from the swelling in and out and you just cry from the very deep bottom part of your stomach and you pull out all the pain and hurt you've been shoving down for quite some time just to get by. It just feels so good to pull it all back up and just let it out. and just let it all out. I recommend everyone have a GOOD CRY at least once a month.
I remember those first weeks home after I had Elena. Let me just say I was hysterical. I would be washing bottles at the sink(which consumes about 40% of your day) just looking out the window and start sobbing for absolutely no reason. I'd be on the phone with Jerry and I would just start sobbing. I must have have cried for 2 whole weeks for no reason at all. Now that I think about it they must have been tears of sheer bliss. I have never been so happy in my life. I was so eager to give up "my " life for this little beautiful pint sized munchkin who consumed and and became the center of my world.
Please remember today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, please have a moment of silence in rememberance of all our babies.
To my sweet Angel, I Love You. I can't wait for eternity to start.
