I say this as my stomach growls.

I’m also going to make more of an effort to blog.  I miss it. I just really haven’t had much to say lately, especially in regards to my eating.  My emotions have also been on quite the roller coaster.

I’m still loving my car quite a bit. Have gotten several compliments on it, even from strangers, which is always fun.

Are any of you doing anything fun this weekend? I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing yet. There are a few things I’m contemplating. Buying new underwear may be one of them. Yes, I lead an entirely exciting life.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  Take care.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Making an Effort

If you decide to check it out, let me know! Hope you enjoy.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

“Lbs.” The movie now on Amazon!

It’s been a while since I’ve sent out a “Lbs.” update.  Just wanted to let you all know that it is now available on iTunes for $9.99.  You can get more info on their site here.  If you get it, don’t forget to let me know what you think!

I haven’t watched it in a while…thinking it might be time to again!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

“Lbs.” The Movie on iTunes

As I recently paid off a ton in repairs, and knew more service would be eventual  in my future, I decided enough was enough. It was time to bite the bullet and get a new car (excuse me a moment while I shudder at the thought of having a car payment again).

My old car was a 2002 Grand Prix GT.  I bought it used in April of 2003, two months after my brother died. My first car, a Chevrolet Citation, had the alternator (I think) go out and I didn’t want to get it replaced.  My mom cosigned on my Grand Prix with me, but I made all the payments. It was my first car that I really bought for myself (the Citation was given to our family by my Grandma).

Things moved so fast when I bought my new one that I didn’t really even get to say goodbye to it. That made me kind of sad. I also meant to take photos of it that morning, but had forgotten.

I went back through my photos and this was one of the more recent ones I took, from a snow storm last year:

It was a nice car, black leather seats, Bose stereo, heads-up display (which I’m really going to miss), but after almost nine years, it was just time to move on.

So this is what I came home with on Saturday after researching other cars and test driving a Chevy Malibu:

A 2012 Toyota Camry.  The difference in the way the driving felt between it and the Malibu was like night and day. Just incredible. There are so many safety features on it (10 air bags, etc.) and it gets great gas mileage (35 highway, 25 city).  Plus, there’s fun stuff like a touchscreen stereo, Bluetooth for my phone or music, auxiliary cable, USB port, etc. And the best part is that it’s roomy. I moved my seat all the way back as far as it could go and then sat in the back seat and there was still PLENTY of leg room.  I also enjoy the fact that the back seats fold down to extend the trunk.  It’s quiet, takes bumps really smoothly, etc. Yeah, I could go on and on, but I won’t. It’s just safe to say I’m pretty in lust with my new car.

The color is called Cosmic Grey.  Most of the time, it just looks black. But when the sun hits it, you can see the grey and see hints of green, and sometimes even blue.  The best part? Her name is now Pixie.  I was noticing yesterday how pretty it is when the sun shines right on it.  It gets all sparkly. Which made me think of the vampires from the Twilight series and then cringe.  But a good friend of mine has a firmly held (and often spoken of) belief that the Twilight vampires are not really vampires. They’re carnivorous pixies.  So, my car is now called Pixie.  I just hope she leaves out the carnivorous part.  I’d like to not relive Stephen King’s “Christine.”

Most of you know I’m slightly superstitious when it comes to numbers and dates and such.  When I took my dad for a drive in it Saturday, my mom noticed that I’d hit 50 miles at exactly 5:00pm.  Cool.

Needless to say, I’ve been on the excited side the past few days.  This is the first car I’ve bought brand new, and all on my own.  Can’t wait to show it off to my coworkers and friends.  I know they’ll all just be glad that I’ve made a decision on what kind to get since that’s all I’ve talked about for the last week.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

New car!

Maybe I’ve just been exhausted from lack of sleep (have been having a harder time than usual sleeping lately), under a lot of stress at work, or who knows what else, but people are pissing me right the hell off lately.

Supposedly, this is the season for giving and sharing. But it seems like people are more inconsiderate than ever. In the span of a week, I’ve had two incidents (probably more – these just stick out) where people have been completely rude.  Perhaps they’re just so wrapped up in their own worlds or the idea that no one else exists in the world except themselves…I have no idea.

First, I went out to dinner with my mom and we were seated at one of those tables where there is a huge long bench with a bunch of tables and chairs along it.  Well, I attempted to be seated there, anyway.  The tables on either side of us were occupied. I volunteered to sit on the bench side of the table. Except that the women on both sides had all of their belongings piled up on the bench in between the tables. I picked a side and attempted to squeeze in between her purse/coat, etc and our table. Not working. So I finally put my hand on her purse (that was wide open, might I add) and tried to push it out of the way gently and just enough to get my big butt in my seat.  She didn’t even notice.  During this entire process, she didn’t make a single motion to move her stuff out of my way.  I don’t know about you, but if a total stranger was moving anywhere near my purse, I’d be noticing.

Tonight, I ran to the grocery store and got in line to check out.  There was a man and his son in line in front of me.  They were finishing up paying and starting to grab their bags.  The problem was that they left their cart at my end of the checkout belt. They both see me there and neither bother to move it.  They take forever grabbing their bags and then the dad answers his cell phone.  They stand there even longer.  Meanwhile, I’m trying to push their cart through so that I can get my items on the counter (while maneuvering my own cart).  They see me do this.  They had to have seen me.  NEITHER bothers to grab their cart.  The cart which is their responsibility.  I’ve finally moved it out of the way enough to pay for my items and they walk off with their bags, leaving the cart behind.  I was so mad.  Their cart was not my responsibility. Finally, as I was gathering up my own bags, the checkout woman moved it completely from the aisle.

So I only have two theories.  People are asses or I’m just invisible.

I was fuming on my way home and then I realized, I should have stood up for myself in both situations.  I should have spoken up.  That is REALLY not easy for me to do, but I need to start working on trying.

You know, along with all the other things I need to “fix” about myself.

I’ve often mentioned on here about how when you’re really overweight, it can be very contradictory. Sometimes you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb (like everyone is looking/staring at you) and other times you feel like no one really sees you.  Their eyes glance over you like they’re afraid your fat is catching.

While I’m sure these incidents had absolutely nothing to do with my weight, they reminded me of those feelings. But come on, people!  There are other people in the world than yourselves!

I know that none of my friends, or you guys, would act like this.  But I know that we all have moments where we get wrapped up in our own little worlds and tend to overlook things.  I know I’m probably just as guilty as the next person. So I just ask that we all be a little more aware of our surroundings.

(Sorry for my rant! I was just fuming and needed to get it out. )

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Am I Invisible?

It’s been eight years, but the holidays are still hard without him.  It gets easier, but he’s never far from my thoughts, and at times I find myself in a bit of a funk for seemingly no reason. Then I realize why I probably am.  Because I miss him.  At times I feel as though I’m letting him down – with being in pretty much the same position in my life as I was when he died, for regaining so much weight…but I know he loved me.  No matter how much we fought, or cussed at each other, we loved each other.  I know he would be happy that I don’t stay home all the time anymore.  That I have friends now.  That I don’t hide from the world…as much.

So on this American holiday, I ask you – whether you are here in the U.S. or not, and whether you celebrate the holiday or not – to take a moment to tell those you love and care about how much you do.  Tell them how much you appreciate them and try not to take them for granted.  I know how easy that can be to do sometimes.  We sometimes forget that each moment isn’t guaranteed.  I try to remember that as much as I can, but know that even I can use the reminder.  There are people I care about that I don’t get to see that often – we get busy with our lives.  It happens.  But I need to let them know how valued they are.  And those that I do get to see often also deserve to know how important they are.  I sometimes think those are the ones who most go unappreciated.

I hope you, whoever is reading this, knows that I value you.  I appreciate you sticking with me through my ups and downs and mundane daily experiences – whether you’ve been with me for a day or for years.  It’s sometimes hard to believe that I started this blog almost 4 years ago (will be four years in January).

So thank you.  You are appreciated.  I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow if you celebrate it.  If not, have an enjoyable day!  Celebrate yourself and those you love.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Happy Thanksgiving

Guess what? My weight on the scale is actually down!  It’s showing me as being down 6 lbs from my most recent highest.  But officially, I’m only down 2.7.  But I’ll take it! I’m excited to see what the scale says on Saturday.  I was perfectly on plan Friday.  Wasn’t perfectly on plan Saturday, but didn’t do TOO bad and did a lot of walking at the renaissance festival.  Then was perfectly on plan yesterday and so far so good today!  I’m going out tonight and I even have my planned drinking tracked in advance in my tracker. Go me!  And go all of you for your fantastic support!

I’ve now been to Ren Fest twice this year.  The first time, even though it ended up raining on us and becoming a muddy mess, was much more fun because there weren’t nearly as many people there.  This time, the weather was gorgeous, but there were so many freaking people, it was hard to have too much fun. Felt like I was constantly bumping into people.

The first time around, I got my hair braided again like I did last year (but in a different style).  This style was called The Athena:

On this second trip, I ended up getting my henna tattoo.  This was it shortly after it was done:

So those were fun.  I also bought a hand-crocheted snood!

Fun stuff.  Or at least I think so.

In other unrelated news, my mom called me today at work to let me know that next week, the District Attorney’s office has set an appointment for us to come in and review all of the case materials from when my brother was killed.  We will be able to read all statements, all reports, everything that the driver said, etc.  They will also let us review photos, but am not sure we’ll go that far.  Depends on if we think we can handle it.  But it will be nice to hopefully have a better understanding of what exactly happened that night (or at least what they think happened that night).  It’s so hard to believe that it will be 9 years in February.  I still miss him tremendously.  So hopefully, my supervisor will work with me on letting me have the time off.

I’ll keep you all posted. Hope your week has gotten off to a good start!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Updates

Do you have any idea how long it has been since I actually wrote out a grocery list?  Especially one that didn’t have the word “cookies” written on it?

So that’s my plan for right now.  To tough this out for today. Then I’ll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

My goals for today:

• Keep counting everything I eat
• Drink lots of water
• Get my grocery shopping done (with a minimum of treat buying – and swear that any treats I DO buy will be ones that I can calculate points for and count)
• Feel better.  Still feeling a bit like hell.  I honestly think the stomach issues stem from the stress I’ve been under lately with my weight, work, etc.

So I think all of those are reasonable for today.  The only one I don’t have a lot of control over is the feeling better part.  So after grocery shopping, I’m just going to rest.

Also, I have been boycotting The Biggest Loser for the past several seasons, because it was ticking me off.  The safety of the contestants seems like an afterthought and the trainers were making me mad with some of their comments.  But my friend, Skye, asked if I’d seen any of the current season as the male trainer is rather good-looking (and oh yes he is!).  I had finally gotten caught up on the last season of Supernatural (my parents bought it for my birthday which happened to be a couple of weeks ago) and had nothing better to do, so decided to give this season a chance.  I’m still trying to make my way through the first episode. It honestly was ticking me off in the first five minutes.  And Anna K. bugs me. But I’m going to at least watch the first two episodes and then I’ll decide if I want to continue.

But anyway, thank you all for the great comments you left on my last post.  Several of them brought tears to my eyes from your kindness.  I’m truly blessed to “know” you guys. Big hugs to you.

Hey, look!  Two posts from me in one week!

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New Determination

My eating is totally out of control. My emotions are totally out of control. My weight is getting totally out of control and I’m seeing numbers on the scale that make me cry. I feel like I’m in the bottomless pit of despair again that I can’t pull myself out of. Except I KNOW that I can…and that just makes me feel that much worse about myself.

I have GOT to get myself back on plan. I have GOT to. I can’t let this continue. I’m already feeling so low that I just can’t imagine how much worse it can get. If I’m not careful, I’m going to be at my starting weight again. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN.  I’m already reaching the point where I feel so bad about myself that I’m not wanting to do things and go out to certain places. I’m already getting out of breath from simple activities.

My latest struggles have proven to me even more strongly how much of a food addict I am. I look forward to meals – to when I can eat again. I crave it. Eating cheers me up. And oh the yumminess of all the things I shouldn’t be eating. The emotions I feel when I think about food are just ridiculous.

I want to be proud of myself again. I have loved ones that I want to be proud of me again. Though I know that I have to do this for myself and only I can do this.

Again.

God, just thinking about trudging down that slope again makes me tired.

But trudge I will. Starting right now. I’m going to do my very best. And I’m going to challenge myself to start writing on here again. I’m going to do my best to write every day…at least for a while…even if just about mundane, every day things. So we’ll see.

If any of you are still around and happen to read this, I appreciate your continued support. And I’m certainly going to need it.  Thanks, guys. I miss you and hope you’re all doing well.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Out of Control

Thank you very much to all of you who have taken the time to drop me a note and check in on me. I really appreciate it. It actually means the world to me and I’m going to do my best to get back to you soon.

I’m doing okay on the whole.  Hanging in here emotionally, etc.  Food-wise and Weight Watchers-wise…yeah, well, let’s just not go there. My weight just keeps creeping up. Though I did see a loss last week and a couple of weeks before that.  I’ve been really really struggling with staying on plan, however, and I’m pretty much not succeeding.

I do have a few Non-Scale Victories (NSV) to share.  Even though I haven’t been sticking to plan or losing weight like I want to be, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to love my body as it is now.  There are a LOT of things that really bother me about my body.  Some things I like, some things that disgust me.  But I’m working on acceptance, because this is who I am now until I get my ass back on plan regularly.  This is the body I have to live in.

To that extent, I’ve made peace with a few things.  Last month, I bought a pair of shorts! Three actually. Bermuda length, right below my knee, but still shorts! I had a couple of pairs on my last journey down the scale, but they were at a much lower weight and I ONLY wore them when mowing the grass.  But this year, since the temperature has hovered somewhere around one of the circles of hell, I got sick of jeans and just decided I was being ridiculous. I got tired of worrying about what people would think. I’m not happy with my legs right now, but they aren’t grotesque (at least I hope not). There’s no reason why I can’t wear them out and about. And so I have been. And they have become my weekend staple.  The first day I wore them out was a day that my mom and I did a lot of walking around downtown Kansas City. We went to eat and to see the new Transformers movie.  It was so incredibly hot, but I felt a lot cooler than I would have in heavy jeans.  And I felt so free. It’s silly, I know, but no one pointed and laughed. No one stared. It wasn’t a big deal.  Not a good shot, but here’s proof (and no, we won’t discuss my huge-ass feet or my ghostly whiteness LOL):

My least favorite body parts are my upper thighs and upper arms. The years of rapid weight gain and the weight I lost have wreaked havoc on my skin that no amount of weight lifting is going to help (I know this from experience). But since plastic surgery is never going to be in my budget barring some miracle, I’m trying to make peace with it.  I will definitely never be wearing shorter shorts, however. And, sadly, to my deep regret, will NEVER (never ever ever) be going sleeveless.

I have, however, gotten a little more lenient even with my shirts.  Before, I would never wear a shirt unless it AT LEAST hit right below my elbow. Most of my shirts are 3/4 length. But I’ve bought two shirts that sit a little above my elbow and have actually worn them several times. One is a little higher than I’d like, and I cringe every time I put it on and look in the mirror, but I try to ignore those feelings. Though I do spend a good deal of time tugging on the sleeves. LOL But like with the shorts, no one has said anything.  No one has made fun of me.  No kitties have died as a result. Life will go on. One woman even complimented me on the shirt at a store one day.  But again, I will definitely not be going any shorter than that.

But it is a bit liberating in a way. Tiny ways that express that I’m starting to love myself even at my current weight. Knowing now that I have friends that care about me no matter what definitely helps.

So are there any hurdles you’re forcing yourself to overcome in an effort to gain self-acceptance? Any road blocks that you just don’t think you can get past?

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Working on Other Things