Under the Fallen Leaves

The Good Morrow; Im Meleth Ich

2011-08-14T12:19:00.001-05:00

One of my favourite poems by John Donne...

I wonder by my torth, what thou and I
Did, till we lov'd? Were we not wean'd till then,
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly?
Or snorted we in the seven sleeper's den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desir'd, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love, all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room, an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone,
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown,
Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres,
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or, thou and I
Love so alike, that none do slacken, none can die.

<3

Here's something else that means a lot to me...

Im galu i erin im radma ich
Im anir nin rane es ich
Hi a an oiale etel ha no enni
Na suir lene enni ereb
Ped ich meleth enni miuva
A to ich tath cuiale
Etel ha no enni

~A.M.

Promise

2011-08-13T13:10:00.000-05:00

September 3, 2007

A wrote this in reply to the previous poem, "You Can't Be Right." He based it lightly on a piece by Pablo Neruda. You'll see how he captured my heart...

For me, I'll never be alone, like the stars
Even as they hang aloft in lonely skies
They blaze forever a feeling that can never diminish
A thousand miles is no further than my reach
For I am always with you
In some blessed mountain, whispering
To waking leaves lined with silver trees, that
I'll be waiting, so if you come, you'll find me,
I promise

But like this place, we are all dying
Suffocating under guilt
I have made questions, which I can't answer.
I need to know, but I guess it's more important
To be known. And to you,
I'm neither.

But in this place, I feel like I have stepped out of time.
To a place where I feel you through the dark, so close as the night
Breaking upon day. A place where I does not exist, nor you
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Though this is time, nor am I out of it.

And so I bear these feelings, these thoughts
Which only certain dark things are to be dreamed of
In secret, between the shadow and the sould
I care for you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
I feel you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
Yet not a word is said, nor gesture made, I'm saving them
For you.

So if you come, you'll find me.
I promise.

For you, always. As always, all ways.

~A.M.

~*~

<3 Me

Revival; You Can't Be Right

2011-08-13T03:35:00.001-05:00

I've decided to resurrect some of my older poetry from long ago and share it with you all. Some are happy, some are sad, and most all of them are complicated. Also, they are very personal, pertaining to what I have gone through in the past. I'll also post some poetry that is written by others.

It's nice to be able to let the words flow from your fingertips to the paper. I miss that feeling. Hopefully I can be motivated to write some new poetry soon.

Journeying back to 2007:

You Can't Be Right

How can I start?
This feeling literally is beyond words,
Comprehension, thoughts,
Definitely beyond action. I can't do
Anything.
Not at all.
My conscience is too clear.
Too focused.
But wait, that's not true.
You blur its vision,
Causing me to careen through my world,
Questioning myself.
This can't be right.
You can't be right.
Not at all.
And yet I'm drawn to you.
You've enchanted me
Completely.
I'm casting my heart into the ocean,
Desperately hoping it'll wash up to your shore
Where you'll pick it up and hold it to your own.
This can't be right.
You can't be right.
I see his words reaching out to me.
I hear his voice calling out to me.
Suffocating me.
You're different.
You're selfless.
You know about him and
Still you push me in his direction.
Too late.
My head belongs to him,
But my heart cries for you.
God it hurts.
What in the world do you think of me?
My actions are loyal to him,
But my thoughts betray.
How can I face him?
Or you?
I can't end it with him.
He's a wonderful loving gift.
You can't be right.
He may have my body, my touch,
My kiss,
My endearment and care.
But my heart is locked away,
And he doesn't have the key.
Guess what?
I threw it in the ocean too.

~*~

Oh the memories are seeping back...

<3 Me

Summer's End is Near

2011-08-05T18:03:00.000-05:00

Why hello there. Long time no see.

I'm so sorry to say that my writing and blogging has gone by the wayside. I should really be making more time for it, but life has its way of coming up with more things for me to do. I haven't even written in my journal about my experiences in Europe! Unfortunately, I had left it behind accidentally.

The rest of my time in Vienna was wonderful! I was even able to fly to Paris for my birthday! Finally a chance to utilize my French skills that I had been learning for the past 8 years! We saw all the major sights like le Tour Eiffel, Place de Concorde, Champs Elysées, Moulin Rouge, le Panthéon, Claude Monet's home and gardens, le cémitière Père Lachaise, and many more places! It sure was a workout walking everywhere, but it was an amazing experience. A lot of pictures were taken, of course. The people there were a lot nicer and more helpful than I expected. Perhaps that's because I spoke to them in French. I can't wait to return there someday!

I saw many more operas in Vienna like Faust, Wagner's legendary Der Ring des Nibelungen series (four operas that in total were approximately 20 hours long!), and La Sonnambula, Don Giovanni. It sure was a lot of standing, but it was definitely worth it to hear the phenomenal music performed. I also heard some beautiful orchestral pieces by a string quartet.

Classes went well, and I learned a lot. I admit I devoted more attention to exploring and soaking in Europe than paying attention to homework. I ended up with A's and an A- though, so I'm happy.

In the end, I was getting pretty homesick and was ready to travel home. I missed my boyfriend, family, friends, and my dogs too much!

The Vienna airport on the day we left was a mess and a madhouse! The lines to get boarding passes and check in were so long and reached all the way down the hall to the gift shop lane! It turns out that there was some kind of airport-wide system failure, and everything was shut down. Our plane was supposed to leave at 10:25am, but we didn't end up taking off until after noon! We landed in Washington DC and waited in line for ages at custom before we could get to our connecting flight. Finally getting through with not much time to spare, we hightailed it across the entire airport because of course our gate was on the other side from where we came in. Just as we got there, we were told that the plane had already taken off. And so we had to arrange for another flight back to St. Louis. The next flight would be after 10pm! So we were stuck in the airport with a 5-hour layover. At least the airport had free Wi-fi. It was after midnight when my family and I finally pulled into my driveway. It felt good to be home.

My airplane adventures weren't over. Late May I flew up to Kirksville to spend a few days with my wonderful boyfriend! As we were getting my bags and loading up the car, he told me to look into the glovebox. Inside it was a little velvet square box... It was a promise ring!!!!! I was so thrilled! It was so beautiful! There were additional stones that I could interchange in the center of the band! Yay for matching my ring with my outfit! We had many good times, and I finally got a chance to meet some of his friends. As an early birthday present, I gave him a hat that I had bought in Austria during my trip that said Wien, Austria with a crest on it (not sure of what). He loved it and wore it all the time! Hats are a great love of his, and he rarely goes without wearing one! We also saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4, which I loved. (Interestingly enough, a song from the soundtrack of that movie just came on my iTunes. How fun is that!) Cuddling and spending time in his arms was the best part though. It was too bad that he was sick for most of it. I took good care of him, nursing him to better health.

My mom and brother met up with us, and we headed out to Council Bluffs, Iowa for a Memorial Day reunion. It was lots of fun spending time with cousins, aunts, and uncles. I particularly had a nice time bonding with my cousin L and her two sons. One strange thing happened. I lost my voice. It got to the point where I couldn't really speak at all! I didn't catch it from my boyfriend though. That wasn't a part of his symptoms. Eventually it came back.

I was very lucky to be able to spend time with my love once more this Summer too! He was going through some difficulties, so my mom and I drove all the way up to Kirksville to pick him up and take him back home with us. We didn't get back until roughly 2am, but it was very worth it. We were able to put together a great celebration of his birthday! Cake, candles, and all! We also went to the St. Louis Zoo and took lots of fun pictures. Life was wonderful during those days we spent together. I love him so much!

Next wonderful milestone was attending the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two. I went with my good friend D, who is always my midnight release buddy. We've gone to so many together! She came over early, and we watched Part One together and had amazing Domino's pizza, my favourite pizza ever! I crave it all the time! Waiting in line was good fun; I brought Harry Potter trivia questions to amuse ourselves with. It really was a madhouse with over 2,000 people there! Right before we were going into the theatre, I spotted I and convinced him to stand with us. He had made some wands for us as well as Butterbeer and Butterbeer cupcakes! Boy was I on a sugar high that night! The movie was amazing, and I cried several times! It was a bittersweet experience! I loved the soundtrack so much! It was sad to see the movies come to an end.

My Harry Potter adventures are not over, though! There's Pottermore! It isn't open to the public yet, but through a special challenge I was able to register early and get the awesome opportunity to be a part of the first group of people to enter it and shape the experience before it's formally opened to the public! It was such a fun time waiting up all night for the clue to show up and find the magical quill! Now the wait for my Welcome Letter is upon me. I can't wait to get officially sorted! It just makes me so excited!

D also recommended me a new series to read called The Mortal Instruments. I got the four currently released books and just gobbled them all up! City of Bones, City of Ashes, City of Glass, and City of Fallen Angels. They are so awesome! I highly recommend them to everyone! A movie will be made of the first one and will be released someday! Not sure when, seeing as they've only cast two of the main characters. I have to wait until May 2012 for the fifth book to be released! Poo!

I've been reading so many books this summer! Lots ended up being parts of series, so I kept reading and reading, staying up until the wee hours of the morning so I could finish them all. I missed those days when I would just soak up the pages and become immersed in the other times and worlds. I love how I can walk to a library! It's so useful!

Bad news about this summer was that I wasn't able to get a job... I applied to 6 places but never heard back from them! It would be pointless to try out here anymore since Summer's nearly over. I won't fret too much because I'll have an ushering position at the Rep open for me to take once more. I'm going to try and apply to work at the library as well.

I've been biking a lot and making changes to my diet and have noticed positive results from it! I'm using a Shakeweight too! I know they look silly in use, but there's definitely good coming to my arms. That's about 10 pounds gone and a more toned and slimmed body! Yay!

My dogs Duke and Daisy are doing well. There have been lots of fun times spending time and playing with them. Duke is such a playful sweetheart that doesn't fail to make me laugh. Daisy had a bad case of hot spots and had to get some antibiotics and conditioning from the vet. She's improved now, though.

I ordered my books and everything for my classes, and I'm getting anxious to get back in the swing of things! I'll be living in a 2-person apartment this year with my friend A. Hopefully this experience goes well. Every single year at the university I've lived with someone different. All had their ups and downs. It's a good way for me to explore a wide array of personalities.

This is quite a lengthy post! I think I'll leave it at this for now. I shall return sooner than later!

<3 Me

Dreaming

2011-06-05T08:27:00.000-05:00

I know it has been ages! I really need to get back in the habit of writing! It has been such a whirlwind adventure!

And now for my dream....

I can’t exactly remember how my dream began. In it, I was speaking primarily French and also English. In it, I was researching slave trade and imprisonment of refugees in the East, around Russia. I came across one name in particular that I recognized, of a man who was currently living near me. My home was very near a high school that I attended. Someone approached me and told me that a young girl would be arriving to reunite with her father, and it was my job to help her acclimate to daily living. She may have been my sister (but not by blood). She didn’t speak English, only French. It was so sad to see her cowering and afraid of the school and the people that were currently in it. It was after hours, so not many people were there. I showed her around, and we came to the bathroom. She wanted to stay away from where the majority of people were, so I took her to a quieter area in the bathroom and explained how it would be better to go at home first before leaving for school in order to avoid the noisy crowds. I hugged her close and told her how there is hope for her, that God is with her every step of the way. Then a woman behind us broke down crying, saying how she wished she was able to talk to her daughter like that, but they were no longer together. She then told me that she recognized my new sister’s name because she heard it many times. She happened to be an escaped refugee as well and had been on the same boat. They had been separated for many months since, but she was so happy to learn that my sister was safer. Unfortunately, others were out there that wanted to find them, so their names and identities had to be changed. I took both of their hands and brought them close so we could pray for protection.

…And then my alarm went off. :(

I always wonder what would happen if I had been able to sleep more. For me, going back to bed and forcing myself back in the dreamworld seems almost like I'm cheating, manipulating my mind so that I can return to my dream. But that's conscious effort and not where the true dreaming state lies, in the subconscious.

Well, I have to get going now. Time to shower and get ready for church. This dream had to do with having a big trust in God, prepared to protect and support others. Good things to think about as I start my day. I could use more incorporation of faith in my life...

Have a good day!

<3 Me

First Few Days in Vienna

2011-03-12T16:11:00.001-06:00

Hello everyone! I know it’s been ages since I last updated my blog on here. But I have great news for you! I’m writing from the lovely Vienna, Austria! I’ll be studying abroad at Webster’s campus here for the rest of the semester.

Tuesday March 8^th, I got up extra early to pack. I wasn’t very smart and waited until the very last minute. In the future, I won’t pack the morning of my departure when I’m heading overseas. My wonderful boyfriend had come to visit me for the last few days I was in the States to help me pack and move out of my apartment on the St. Louis campus. I was so glad that I could spend time with him before I left! The time difference of seven hours will be a challenge, but I know we can pull through it. He and my mom took me to the airport and we exchanged big hugs and kisses before we said goodbye at the security checkpoint. I met up with R, K, and L at the gate for our departure to Washington D.C. It was a two-hour flight, and I sat next to a really nice man who talked about his own adventures in Austria and Europe when he was younger. We landed in D.C. and had a two and a half-hour layover before our connecting flight to Vienna. We ate our last bit of American food and read magazines and chatted before it was time to board. Our flight left around 5:30pm, and we braced for our eight-hour flight. The flight attendants were dressed in these outfits that were basically red from head to toe, including their tights. It was kind of cute but at the same time over the top. The plane wasn’t too full, and the seat next to me was empty. I had the window seat, which was really cool. I tried my best to sleep, but it didn’t work very well. My earplugs had been left at home, and the noise of the airplane was too distracting. I was able to rest my eyes for a bit at least. There were some noisy Germans across the row that were laughing boisterously. When we finally landed in Vienna, it was 7:30am their time and 12:30am St. Louis time.

I exchanged my money and we picked up our baggage. Thankfully, no one lost theirs. We were greeted by a taxi driver holding a sign for Webster University. When we got to the van, he opened the trunk and we just stared at the tiny space that was intended for all of our luggage (there were five of us). It was quite a puzzle to fit everything inside, but we did it. The taxi driver said, “That was epic,” which was extremely hilarious. The drive to where we would be staying was pretty crazy since we weren’t used to the driving habits of Europe. The cars drive so close together, and we were almost in an accident!

We made it in one piece to Donaufelderstrasse where we would be staying for the next eight weeks and waited for someone to meet us and check us in. I wasn’t sure who I would be rooming with, and it turned out to be K, so I was relieved. It’s good that I know my roommate. The dorms weren’t quite what I expected. There’s a lot more room than the two-bed rooms in the dorms in St. Louis and plenty of drawers and shelf space, but that’s about where the better parts stop. The bathroom is tiny, and the shower is even tinier. I hit my elbows against the walls when I shower! The beds are pretty hard and firm and feel more like couches. I am able to sleep pretty well though, and it’s nice to have a roof over my head. 980 Euros is a steep price to pay for it. Way too much, if I must say.

After unpacking a bit, we took short naps and went out to explore. We got a bus pass and some other supplies. Our dorms aren’t in the main part of the city, so not many people speak English. If they do, it isn’t very good. I don’t really speak German at all, but I’m getting pretty good at saying “Danke” all the time. When we were stopped by a woman in a grocery store, we just froze as she spoke to us in a flow of German. The others are getting used to it, and I’m getting accustomed to not understanding a word around me. I’m sure I will pick up more German while I’m here. It will be interesting going back to the States and understanding everything again.

That night we went out to a café and restaurant. I shared an awesome pizza with R. We learned that the perception of time basically stops. The waiters and waitresses take your orders and then bring you your food. They don’t stop by to check up on you at all and leave you alone. One could just sit there and talk for hours. That’s basically what everyone does here. It’s up to you to flag your server down for the check when you’re ready. Very different from the U.S. We had some nice laughs together.

The following day was orientation at the Webster campus. We found out the route to take, and since then, riding on the metro has become much easier. Campus is just one building. It’s so much smaller than St. Louis, and I used to think that was small! They served us little pastries, fruit, coffee, and thank goodness tea. I don’t drink coffee, and that’s their main staple here. We had a “meet and greet” discussing policies and information. Then we took a little tour around campus and out in the city area surrounding it. Webster treated us to lunch at a restaurant called “Stars and Stripes.” I think it was trying to be a stereotypical American place. They served us chicken and fries. I felt bad for R because the vegetarian option was less than desirable. Hopefully more vegetarian options can be found. Shopping for our own groceries will certainly help. On our way going back to the dorms we walked around for a while trying to find a tabak that was open so we could get a new metro pass. And then we couldn’t find a bus anywhere. When we finally found one, it turned out that it was going in the opposite direction that we needed to go. So we ended up taking a little tour of the town on our own for an hour until it completed that route, turned around, and ended up right back to where we began and onward finally to our stop. It was quite an adventure! Later that night we went out to Bricks Lazy Dancebar. It played throwback songs of the 80s and had a really great atmosphere. Completely smoky though; I’m going to have to get used to having smoke on my clothes. I had an alcohol-free beer, and it reasserted the fact that I don’t like the taste of beer. I drank it anyway. All in all, it was a fun night.

Yesterday we went to a bakery and had some pastries for breakfast. The milk here is really good! We headed out into the more central part of Vienna and took a tour bus around the main square. Most of the architecture around here is very modern, but some of the buildings make you feel as though you’ve stepped back in time to the days of Mozart. They are so beautiful! I can’t wait to go to church at St. Stephan’s! The church is absolutely gorgeous! After the tour we walked around and explored the area. There is so much to see, so many hidden treasures to find! We bought tickets to see a concert of selections from Mozart and Johann Strauss. Unfortunately, we went to the wrong place, so we had to hail taxis to get there. We were late but still able to get in. The music was beautiful! Everyone was wearing cute outfits. A string ensemble, soprano, baritone, and a ballet dancing couple performed. I really enjoyed the ballet; each piece told a cute story. Afterwards, we continued walking and exploring even more. By the end, our feet were really getting sore in our heels. The benefits of all this walking will definitely make our feet stronger to handle pretty much anything. Not to mention being able to lose weight! I’m really looking forward to that! When I got home, I noticed my boyfriend was online, so I was able to talk to him for a while! It was so nice to be able to finally be able to make contact with him since we had said goodbye at the airport! I’m really missing him, but I know this is such a fantastic opportunity. Maybe someday we can go abroad together!

I slept in until 1pm this afternoon! That’s the most sleep I’ve gotten in quite a long time! Today was a really relaxing and leisurely day. I got my first schnitzel from a vendor with A, and it was very tasty! Afterwards, the whole group of us went to get groceries at Hofer, which is actually Aldis back home! The same sign and everything! It was really great because I spent under 15 Euros for all of my groceries! I’m not sure how long they will last me or if they will be enough selection, but it’s a nice start. I hung out with L, R, and K once again but then decided to relax back at the dorm for the rest of the night instead of going out clubbing. I’m sure there will be plenty of time for that. I really need to catch up on my French readings for class and not to mention finish writing my composition that was due before Spring Break! I hope she still accepts it! My professor has been really great about everything, so I believe she’ll understand and have patience with me.

I’ve written quite a novel! Thanks for taking the time out to read this! Stay tuned for more adventures!

<3 Me

Garden of Flowers

2010-11-26T18:59:00.005-06:00

Wandering along a path in a bustling forest

I hear birds chirping to one another in greeting

And squirrels chattering from tree to tree

A lone badger snuffles about the bushes looking for fallen nuts

Life is social, harmonious

Cohesive

Turning to the right

My feet sense a change in the earth,

An array of scents fills the air

That intrigues me with my nose

And my eyes as I take in the colourful sight

Of a garden split down the middle by a dirt path

As I approach, I feel emotions

Exuding from the petals of the flowers and plants

A story

From which rises their division

On one side, there grows a bush of blackthorn sloe

Right at the edge of the dividing path

Swollen blue berries puffed up

Twisting branches creating difficulty in seeing beyond

Stubborn and uncooperative

Buttercup entwining around the roots

Small and childish

Full of naïvety and empty of maturity

As the shoots remain small and refuse to grow taller

Candytuft grows in puffs of pink and white

Off in her own corner

Indifferent to all else but herself

Never concerning with the other plants

Content in her uncaring lack of interest

On the opposite corner, yellow carnations

Blossom in disdain

Rejecting the others

Finding faults in all who are different

In their ideas and habits

Hydrangeas flourish in their blue bunches

Frozen in their demeanor

Growing in sheer vanity

Lost in their own beauty and self-righteousness

Close by, the narcissus

Her white petals spread wide

Cradling the golden center

As if she is God’s gorgeous gift to all life

Fascinated in her own blooms

Refusing to love anyone but herself

In an erotic obsession

A mock orange bloom delights in deception

Creating illusions and pretending

To be what he is not

When you trust him and move in for a closer look

He wilts away from you

And the Snapdragon with her vibrant warm colours

In red, yellow, and orange

Bulbs also cupped in deceit

Ready to presume and judge

Condemning all other ways of life

Loyal only to her own kind

On both sides grow two chestnut trees

Independent and off alone

Growing in opposite directions

Bending and shaping away from each other

Both feel wronged by the other

Thickening their trunks in thoughts of injustice

Turning to the other side of the split garden I see

Purple anemones huddled slightly away from the others

Saddened by feeling alone and abandoned

Forsaken by the companions she once knew

With the zinnia and her red blossoms

Remembering those who had left

And the times of happiness once shared

Yet there are a band of flowers that grow together

Artemesia, light green and nearly white

Standing steadfast and dignified

Refusing to relinquish her standards of morality

And courteous manners

With the cloves and their bulbs

That know when to restrain themselves from lashing out

Holding back, affirming their decorum and self-respect

Sheltered among the others resides the hibiscus

A vivid and brilliant beauty

But very delicate and fragile to the words and actions

Of others against her

Nearby sweet alyssum

Purple and white that despite attractiveness

Shows worth that beauty could never compare to

In her intelligence and well-meaning

Fennel, in yellow star-like blooms

Shows a quiet strength

That endures through this division

With the reassuring support from a cactus

Hardened from past wrongs

And remaining brave and steadfast

Throughout her life

Still the dirt path separates and divides

And the cyclamen

In her outstretched and cupped petals

Gives one last plea to the other side

Before resigning to the fact that times have changed

Never to return to how they were

The moments have been left behind

In the abyss of the past

Only leaving the path forward to the future

I nearly finish my walk through the path

Heavy with their emotions and accounts

They share with me

When I look down

And see growing

In the middle of the dark brown path

Yarrow

Gold and blossoming

Ripening with healing tenderness

I gently pluck a tiny shoot

And bring it softly to my nose

Before resting it delicately against my chest

Comforted that all will be well in time

And I continue

Returning to the forest once more

On my way home.

©JLThomas11262010

It is Time to Say Goodbye

2010-11-03T01:07:00.000-05:00

It is time to say goodbye

These years had their moments

Good and bad

Happy and sad

Joyful and depressing

With laughter and tears

Conversational and silent

You said you knew me

You understood me

You loved me

But

In the end

That is not how it was

Maybe

Maybe it

Maybe it was

Maybe it was true

Maybe it was real

Maybe it was

Maybe it

Maybe

Yet

Something tells me that

It was an illusion

A dream that we experienced

And lived in

Swimming in the sea of dreams

When I was underwater

A few years ago

I noticed something blurry above me

I could not see what it was

But it brought about a longing

Within me

To discover what lies just beyond the surface

So I slowly and blearily started floating

And you were still suspended above the sea bed

Dreaming

I began to hear strange muffled sounds

And my desire to find out what

This mysterious shape above me was

Suddenly

I felt something grab me and pull me upward

I broke the surface of the sea

And gasped as air filled my lungs

Breathing in a completely new world

That I used to know but had forgotten

I delight in this new way of seeing

For it is what is real

What I can touch

Not something I simply imagine

Now I look back down into the waters

And see you still lying below

Eyes closed to the sun

I know now that you are still asleep

And you have always been

Even when we met

I have always been with you

But it is not my responsibility to wake you up

Now I live in the sunlight

With fresh cool air upon my face

That I can breathe

In the arms of my beloved

That I can feel

With every fiber of my being

I wish you well

Despite all

It is time to say goodbye.

©JLThomas1122010

Thoughts from a Zen Master

2010-10-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

A Zen master once said that water is of one essence, but if it is drunk by a cow it becomes milk, while if it is drunk by a snake it becomes poison. In the same way whether life is blissful or sorrowful depends on our state of mind, not on the world. So we must seek to transform the mind, to bring it into the awakened state, and this requires at the outset great faith, faith in ourselves and in the latent powers of the mind. The second step in Zen Buddhism is great doubt (dai-gi-dan). The method of Zen is very scientific. In science we are told never to believe anything unless its truth has been demonstrated experimentally. Zen takes the same stand. We are not to believe anything blindly; rather we must demonstrate its truth to ourselves.

~Thich Thien-An

Tugged Heartstrings

2010-10-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

Here I am, taking a little break for lunch before my first class in my second term of this semester. My Conducting class was canceled this morning, which added a little extra time for me to relax, settle, and get re-accustomed to being on my own again. I kissed my love good-bye and won't be seeing him again until the end of this year.

Let me rewind quite a ways, back to before Fall Break even started.

The few weeks before break were stressful and difficult, to say the least. All the doctor's appointments and feeling sick, combined with classwork and rehearsing, really took their toll on me. I was burnt-out and in desperate need of time to settle down, relax, and not do much of anything. When 7pm on Friday the 15th rolled around, I took a deep breath and just let myself exhale my first 8 weeks of stress out of my system and take in the freedom of 9 days vacation. Of course, I had to clean up my room and get it organized for Health/Safety Checks and the arrival of my boyfriend to stay with me for the final portion of my week off. Guess what? All of my boxes are put away, all of my books and papers are pretty much organized, and all that remains on my floor to put away is a bag of laundry that I did at my mom's place! Do you realize how big of an achievement that is?! This is the cleanest and most organized that my room has been since I moved in. Which was... 9 weeks ago. I'm proud of myself!

My boyfriend arrived last Sunday, and it was wonderfully amazing. Well, it always is; no surprises there. I make myself laugh sometimes at how giddy and sentimentally in love I am. Especially when the time for him to come draws closer and closer. I probably annoy my friends around because of how much I talk about him sometimes. What can I say? I'm hopelessly in love with him! It comes in the job description as being in a relationship, at least in my book.

That being said about me being so happy that he came, Sunday beginning at 5pm was not a good time at all. Monday I was scheduled for a double whammy of a colonoscopy and endoscopy, so I had to drink this absolutely horrid prep drink every 10 minutes as quickly as I could. The two of us played a game of Lord of the Rings Monopoly, and he kicked my bum. I've never played so serious of a game before! And it lasted ages. The perfect game when you have to get up every few minutes or so to go to the bathroom.After taking half of that nasty stuff, I couldn't keep it down any longer. Even a tiny sip would cause me to have to run to the bathroom and vomit it back up again. The good news is that I was finally able to bring something up again. For the past month I had been nauseous but nothing would come up. It took 6 hours, but finally my system was as cleaned out as it would ever be before the procedures the following day. (This is probably more information than you'd care to know, but oh well. You're going to have to go through this same procedure when you turn 40 or so. So there.)

Monday morning was not fun either. I could not consume anything since midnight, so I was dehydrated. Not too hungry though since for the past while no food would agree with my digestive system.

(It's time for a break. I will return after my classes today. Stay tuned.)

My mom, J, and I headed over to outpatient surgery, and I did the hour of preparation before the procedures. It was so sweet how the two of them went in to wish me luck before they rolled me away. And so J came up to me and gave me a nice kiss, squeezing my hand, and sending me loving energy. One of the nurses whispered in my ear how cute he was. It's nice to hear people say that. Of course, he's the most attractive man alive! Thankfully, I was given an anesthetic, so I was off in dreamland whilst everything was done. Then I woke up groggy and ready to try and eat something. The doctor came back and said that according to the pictures they took of me, I have a beautiful intestine and esophagus. I'm not quite sure I agree about the attractiveness of my insides, but I trust his judgement. He's a doctor specializing in those kinds of areas.

For my first real meal in quite a few days, we went to Denny's, and I had a nice and filling Grand Slam. It was too much for me, and my digestive system made me suffer afterwards, but it was yummy.

The days ensuing weren't too monumental. My love was a wonderful help while my mom was working, and we watched some pretty good films. Wednesday we ate out at a nice place in the historic area of where I live and shared a great meal of chicken teriyaki, rice pilaf, salad, rolls, and crab rangoon.

Thursday evening, J and I ventured back to my apartment on-campus. It was our 1 year and 7 month anniversary! We went to the Chocolate Bar down in the city and shared an awesome meal of bread and cheeses. And these were not standard cheeses. Nope, they were delectable and not commonly found (in this country, even). The people I live with enjoyed his company which is nice, since he'll be coming back to visit next semester for Opera Scenes and my Junior Recital. We discovered the amazingness that is the Lord of the Rings card game and watched more films with friends.

Every time we're together, he rejuvenates and refreshes me. I put my crazy, stressful life on pause (while still trying to keep in mind what I have to accomplish after he leaves) and surrender to our embraces. Our strong hugs, wide ranges of kisses, and just plain silliness mean the world to me. We may not always get along, and we typically have some kind of conversation of conflicts, but challenges such as those have only made us stronger and better at learning how we can understand and respect one another. I'm still learning patience with him and his second love, computers and technology, and he's still learning about my complicated emotions and buttons that can be pushed. There is still so much that we can and will learn about each other in the future. My confidence and trust in him and our relationship are steadily blossoming and opening up to new levels each time we're together and re-connecting.

Saying good-bye is very difficult. I go through this period where I can't help but cry knowing that there will be quite some time in between our next visiting one another. It's not so happy, but I pull through. I've had time to release my emotions and then get back into the swing of classes and rehearsals.

Tugged heartstrings are blessings to me. They help me to really connect with my emotions and feel all the aspects of love.

Love and Blessings to you,
<3 Me

10-10-10

2010-10-10T14:34:00.001-05:00

It could very well be a magical day today! Who knows? And there will only be two more chances in the next two years that it will match. The world will have to wait about 100 years for this to happen again. Oh, the mysterious possibilities!

This week is the final week of my first 8-week term of my third year. Time has flown by, and I'm very grateful that it has. Plenty of stressful and not so nice situations have come and gone. Some still linger, unfortunately. For nearly three weeks, I have been feeling sick and experiencing abdominal pain. My mom has taken me for tests (doctor visits, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound, and HIDA scan) over the past few weeks. As of right now, there is no conclusive diagnosis of what is wrong. It really frustrates me, especially since I'm missing so many classes to take tests that don't help us come any closer to the problem. At least we're ruling out possibilities. It got to a point where I was getting used to the constant pain, and I didn't let it bother me too much. Well, this past Thursday, I took a HIDA scan, and since then, the pain and discomfort re-magnified itself. This Wednesday, I'll be seeing a GI doctor. Let's see what he comes up with. I have a very small window in which this can be taken care of. My Fall Break is the week of October 18th. That's the very best time for tests, surgeries, or whatever to be done. If nothing happens, I'll have to deal with this for the rest of semester. I can't afford to keep missing classes and thus having my grades slip because of health problems beyond my control.

It really stresses me out. That's a bit ironic because this whole health problem could have been caused by stress, anxiety, and pushing myself too hard. Unfortunately, negative stress is a very bad habit of mine. And if I don't learn more efficient ways of managing it, my health could just get worse. Life isn't going to ease up on me. I'm just going to have to ease up on life and try to take time out of my life to relax and immerse myself in tasks that I create and love. If it has to be at the expense of homework (like my French composition that I should have submitted on Thursday), then so be it. I don't think I will look back on this very moment, and sigh to myself, "Oh, I wish I had submitted that composition on time. My life would have been so much better if I had." If I even remember the exact date it was due, that'd be amazing and a little sad if I worked myself up over turning in something late.

My best friend and love of my life will be here in less than a week to visit during break! I am so excited! Alas, we both haven't been feeling well, and his car's breaks need repairs badly, but we are going to make this happen! He lives about 180 miles away, and we aren't able to be together in person very often, especially with his life up there and my life as a student here. We get together as often as we can during my time off school. Otherwise, we have to rely on phone, computers, and (once in a rare blue moon) letters to keep up communication. On the 21st, we will have been together for 19 months! It's amazing how long we have been together, and we see many more months (years, even) in the future. He is the most wonderful man I could ever ask for, and I thank God every day that He brought our souls together.

I should probably make myself productive on my homework now. My mom will be meeting me soon, and we'll be heading out to see a piano recital performed by one of my amazing faculty members at the university.

Wish me luck with everything!
Love and blessings be with you!
:)

<3 Me

Sweet Words

2010-10-06T01:24:00.000-05:00

I wrote this during a class today, just letting the ideas flow.
Enjoy!

Oh sweet words that make me think of thee
Causing me to shudder with hopeful longing
Filling my breast with lovely breath
That I would share with your lips
In an unending moment of bliss
Resounding throughout time
Where nothing exists save through thought and space
Joined as one body, heart, mind, and soul
Existing solely for each other
With no outside forces barraging our haven
Of protected loving safety and comfort
Always

<3 Me

Movies I Will Never Be Able to Stop Watching Thus Far...

2010-10-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

The Fountain
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles
Amélie
Paris Je T'Aime
Pan's Labyrinth
Inception
Avatar
A Beautiful Mind
Gran Torino
Blood Diamond
The Patriot
300
The 10th Kingdom
Dîner des Cons
Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy
Moulin Rouge
Tristan and Isolde
Slumdog Millionaire
Eastern Promises
Remember Me
Atonement
The Town
The Dark Knight
City of Angels
Edward Scissorhands
Ever After
Finding Neverland
All Harry Potter films
A Knight's Tale
Live Free or Die Hard
Joyeux Noël
V for Vendetta
X-Men Trilogy
Braveheart

<3 Me

Full-Time Woman

2010-09-20T16:47:00.000-05:00

I've come to some interesting and crazy revelations about my life.

Throughout my entire life I've put myself into so many different situations, especially pertaining to academics, activities, performance, and leadership. I thrive on having projects to work on and always have to be accomplishing something, learning and growing.

Being a third year in university is really bringing out the stress and busyness of what I have to do in my life as a student. I was a nerd and actually calculated how many total hours in the week I am spent in classes and rehearsals. Basically 24 hours. An entire day, sitting in a classroom, learning, and singing. This doesn't take into account practicing or homework outside of class. It doesn't count eating, sleeping, and spending time resting and recuperating. This means a whole day doesn't exist for me to relax. The other six days of my week are spent doing everything else and catching up. It's mind-boggling.

It frustrates me sometimes when people complain about being bored and have nothing to do. That's not true at all! There are so many endless possibilities! The mind can create so many ideas of something to expand on and learn! When someone says they're bored and having nothing to do, it's almost as if they're too lazy to think about what they could be doing. It's a waste of time to be bored. Every second in life is precious and shouldn't be taken for granted. How do you know that something might happen in the future that changes your life forever, for better or worse? You can read, write, watch a movie, listen to music, draw, play an instrument, and so much more! Everyone has so many talents they can develop! Why spend your time complaining that there is nothing to do?

This leads me into another frustration of mine...

(Of course my stupid keyboard decides to magically erase a nice, lengthy paragraph that I had written... Let's try this again...)

Due to my life as a student and well, as me, I can't always make time for everyone and everything that people want me to do. Prioritizing is such a complex concept to me, especially now that I juggle eleven classes worth of practicing and homework. Thank goodness I have days between classes so I can actually accomplish what I can! But I can't do and finish everything when others want me to. I wish I could do everything people want me to do. I wish I could take time and listen to everyone who wants to chat with me. It's not possible for me to do everything I'm supposed to do and make everyone happy and satisfied. All too often, I don't finish papers or homework on time. That doesn't mean I never finish. Of course I do! My personality doesn't tolerate not finishing tasks. (Except certain ideas that fall out of interest and are replaced with better ideas.)

Unfortunately, there have been friends and family in my life who have either gotten angry at me or hurt because I couldn't fulfill what they wanted me to do. I've been called everything from selfish, egotistical, self-centered, vain, and many other words about how I don't care about other people. These are not true. In fact, they're pretty contrary to how I feel about others. If I could, I would reach out to everyone and make everyone happy and never have to worry about being thought badly of. But life in this world isn't perfect. I've really been learning about myself and how it's important not to let words and negative thoughts of others affect me as a person. Sure, people get jealous, angry, sad, and frustrated with me. Do I have any control over how they react? Nope. I can learn from what they say about me and try to do better next time. If they get all pissed off at me and hold a grudge and gossip, spreading slander about me with falsities, then I'll just have to accept what they say. It's not as if I can keep them from thinking about what they do, even if they're lies and distortions of the truth. When I'm on Facebook, there are many times when people start chatting with me, and I'm actually needing to hurry off and get to a class, meeting, rehearsal, recital, homework, you name it. Sometimes I have less than an hour to grab something to eat between classes, and I hop on the computer for a quick update. And when I tell the person(s) that I have to go and can't talk, they feel hurt because I can't take the time to listen to them.

Honestly, when I say that I'm busy and I'm not able to talk at that moment, I'm telling the truth. It's not about avoiding someone or not caring about them or being selfish. It's about how much that I have to do with a limited amount of time to do it. There's no need to be angry with me because of this.

I certainly am making up time for my blogging break with this long entry! Ah well, you're getting a peek into my hectic and crazy life. It's never boring. If anything, I need to work harder to relax, if that makes sense. I can't control the world as much as I would prefer to. I can only control myself and how I choose to respond to outside influences and circumstances.

And now it is time for me to get back to my homework! I have a French Composition to write, a section of another French novel I'm reading to finish, piano to practice, and a musical piece I need to memorize!
Wish me luck!

<3 Me

Realizations

2010-09-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

1. I've come to realize that my boobs…

…are quite amazing but will always pose a challenge to the world of fashion due to their size and my hips/waist ratios.

2. I've come to realize that my job...

…will always bring challenges and demands on myself but will be satisfying along the journey.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...

…I get really frustrated with the stupid drivers out there who don’t follow the traffic laws and also nervous that I’m going to be in an accident.

4. I've come to realize that I need...

…to forgive the people who have traumatized and my past as well as forgive my mind and body for not being perfect.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...

…a significant portion of insecurity about myself and the fear of failure. (There’s still more to overcome, but I’ve progressed so much over these years.)

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...

…people are ignorant, intolerant, disrespectful, cannot forgive and progress from the past, break my trust in them, refuse to open themselves to alternate possibilites, etc.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...

…I shouldn’t be because it’s dangerous for me.

8. I've come to realize that money...

…breeds greed, hoarding, corruption, and ruins the lives of good people that simply cannot live because they don’t have it.

9. I've come to realize that people....

…have so much more to their story than what they show to the world. Some are selfish, thrive on the misfortunes and gossip of others, and are cutthroat, but many want to help make their surroundings a better place.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...

...the intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, generous, trustworthy, loving, and spiritual woman that I am. I shouldn’t have to change and detract from my inner strength in order to satisfy others.

11. I've come to realize that if I drunk dial people...

…that I wouldn’t be me because I’m never drunk and wouldn’t call people if I was anyways.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...

…is the strongest and most compassionate woman I’ve ever known. She deserves so much more than how people treat her.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...

…a lifeline to the outside world.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...

…I slept later than I have for the past couple of weeks.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...

…I had worked extremely hard yesterday and deserved the comfort of my Memory Foam mattress and clean sheets!

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...

…all that I must accomplish before I wake up tomorrow.

17. I've come to realize that my Dad...

…is my father, and he loves me. He just has a difficult way of showing it to me in his words and actions.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on MySpace...

…I secretly want messages and comments praising my musical talents as a singer and lots of listening! (http://www.myspace.com/jennaenil)

19. I've come to realize that today...

…is a new day open to many possibilities! I should relax but keep in mind all that must be accomplished before I go to lessons and class tomorrow. And I need to finally finish cleaning, organizing and decorating my room!

20. I've come to realize that tonight...

I will relax, maybe watch a movie, read, meditate/pray, and go to bed satisfied.

21.I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...

…play the piano well, speak French amazingly, sing beautifully and learn new ways to be a better vocalist, learn new ways to use my mouth and tongue, and do a boatload of homework for Wednesday.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...

…be with the love of my life in person and open my mind further to new possibilities!

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to read this will be...

…anyone who cares to.

24. I've come to realize that life...

…is a gift, and I should live it while I can to my absolute fullest so I do not pass on with regrets.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...

…has been great fun and is a wonderful blessing.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...

…are the songs/pieces that magically relax me and make me fall in love with life all over again.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...

…love me and care about me. They deserve to know how much I appreciate them.

28. I've come to realize that this year...

…has been a crazy adventure with ups and downs, and it will only have more coming soon!

<3 Me

Not So Pleasant Dream

2010-09-01T00:56:00.000-05:00

I had a dream Saturday night that was more vivid and actually quite disturbing than my usual, albeit not very often, times I dream:

A group and I were running from an army of evil approaching. We ran across a fenced-in field to an old chapel to take refuge. Once inside, we knew that the evil ones would be able to enter our sanctuary. We knew in our hearts that we were not even safe in that house of God. Looking out the windows, we saw rows upon rows of demonic soldiers making their way down the path to the chapel. The leader was like the Devil himself, similar in appearance to Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter. We were all standing and sitting in the pews fearfully as he took over with the help of his minions. A man I knew as a close friend was on my right and whispered that if I knew the seven special numbers and spoke them aloud, the Evil One would be defeated. I looked around and saw on a hymnal the number 45 and felt intrinsically that was one of the numbers of power to defeat the Devil. But I was afraid of saying aloud, afraid of what might happen if I shouted that number aloud so all could hear. Would I be tortured? Killed? Someone somewhere in front of me shouted out a number, and I could hear demons screaming as a part of the Evil was destroyed. Emboldened, I called out 45, and the Devil looked right at me. He said that I was not wholly human, but he didn't mind that. He approached me with a gleaming eye and sneer, reaching out and caressing me from my cheek to my breast as if he wanted me to be his concubine. I felt so sickened. My friend next to me said in defense that I was his wife, but the Evil One just laughed. Then the Devil had his minions bring seven random and innocent people aside in full view of the entire chapel to set an example of them if we continued to call out numbers of power. I had a sick feeling inside of me that for every correct number of power we called out, he would murder a civilian....

...And then I woke up to the sound of M vacuuming the living room.

Wings

2010-08-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

She is born into a world,

Wide-eyed with wonder.

Gazing up at the vast sky

And all life around her.

Smells overwhelm,

Colours fascinate,

And the taste.

Oh, the taste of leaves and flowers

In her eager mouth.

She absorbs everything with eagerness,

Fattening up on life’s pleasures and delights.

One day, she cannot move.

Trapped, encased, imprisoned,

Screaming to get out,

To leave this choking Hell

Where darkness reigns

And the light is lost.

Time answers her call

As she slumbers deeply,

Building a budding strength inside of her

For when she is ready

To set herself free.

Her hands reach out against her cocoon,

Pushing with all of her might,

And slowly a pinprick of bright peeks through a hole.

The warmth invigorates her and gives her the strength

To break free from her chains of bondage

And emerge with wings.

She will let the sun dry her tears,

Allowing the blood to flow through her veins

With new power;

Wisdom that the world ever changes.

Even the smallest butterfly can soar to the heavens and live with all of her might.

©JLThomas08302010

Whew!

2010-08-24T15:03:00.000-05:00

I moved into my university last Thursday and still haven't quite settled down from the whole moving-in process! There are still piles on my floor, in the bathroom, and one last big box in the living room! And it's been absolutely exhausting! Lifting, carrying, pushing, pulling, loading, unloading... And also finding time to eat, sleep, and breathe. Not to mention being social! It's awesome, though, don't get me wrong.

This week, classes have begun; it feels like I never left, really. Although, I'm approaching this year in a totally new light! I basically had a makeover (fashion-wise with haircut, dye, and clothes) and a new outlook on how I will approach this year. Now this is my THIRD YEAR!!!! It's hard to really sink into my head that I'm back to being an upperclassman. I'm seeing all these new freshmen that look so young, and I just smile to myself, thinking how far I've come.

I'm really happy with where I live and my suite-mates! M and M are really great and fun people! I just bask in the good energy of our apartment! Much better than my previous experiences so far.

My work load hasn't lightened. In fact, it's gotten much heavier! My week is filled with classes, ensembles, and everything under the sun. I'm taking my last semester of Music Theory, Conducting, Vocal Pedagogy, Opera Studio, Concert Choir, Piano Lessons, Voice Lessons, Recital (Attendance and putting on a Junior Recital next Spring), Voice Master Class, La Francophonie, and possibly adding a Lyric Diction class!

See what I mean? But I'm a hard worker. My schedule has been filled with many classes since I was able to select my own courses. It's just my student and work mentality. I like to stretch myself and expand out in my (academic) world as far as I can go. It's quite a difficult undertaking, but it feels so rewarding. Every year since graduating high school has been an awesome adventure, and I look forward to where the future leads! The storm clouds that have haunted my younger years have finally been parting to reveal the sunlight. It's great to be able to take a deep breath in and out and just thank God for what he's doing for me in my life right now! Without Him, I would be nowhere. Literally. I know He has big plans for me. And I'm looking forward to taking on the world one step at a time! Right now, it's the States, this Spring it's Vienna, Austria, and two years from now it'll be Toulouse, France! Who knows where else for graduate school and beyond...

On that note, I'm going to relax and enjoy my 50-minute break before I go to my next class.

Love and Blessings,
:) <3

Journey

2010-08-21T02:01:00.000-05:00

I wrote this several months ago, but it's one of my works I'm most proud of!

Journey

There is an Inferno,

Which surrounds my heart,

Guarding its beating soul

With a treacherous path

That many may enter.

But only one will reach the center.

Dare you attempt the journey?

You must pass through eight levels.

Be careful,

Pay close attention,

For you may encounter

Traps and snares.

However,

The treasure at my heart

Is more precious than

Gold or jewels,

Fame or fortune.

It is priceless.

I wish you luck.

First, there is Limbo.

You gain access easily,

As everyone can.

There is chaos and confusion

Everywhere you turn.

If you understand

The words written above the gate,

You may proceed

To Light.

Here is an image

Of stunning beauty and power,

A glimpse of the treasure at my heart.

You may reach this place

And freeze with desire.

But if you do,

There you shall remain.

For lust will not open the next gate.

If you can see beyond the outer view,

You will approach

A Feast.

You see a table laid

With delicious treats and delights,

All morsels of what my heart gives,

Sharing with others.

Sit down at the table.

Sample what is offered

And discover what will be given to you

If you succeed.

But if you become consumed,

Gluttonous and thriving on what is there,

Using it for your personal gain,

You will not pass onward

To the lush garden.

Here there are little treasures,

Little hopes and dreams

Of mine

That are precious,

Revealing more of my heart.

There are also little nooks

Where my fears and shadows dwell.

Venture within.

But do not seek to discover them

And attempt to use them against me,

Or the next way will be barred.

At the bank of a flowing river,

A small boat awaits you.

Give the boatman a coin.

He will grant you passage

To flow deeper

Through the path to my heart.

On this journey,

You will see memories of mine

Float to the bubbling surface.

Many will make you cringe,

Please bear them.

See them, try to understand them.

Do not throw yourself into the waters in despair,

Never reaching

The City of Dis,

Where there you will see tombstones.

It is a place that once was

And now is gone.

Tombs of those I loved

And lost, forever

Lingering in the place of endings.

There are spirits,

Figures, angels and demons

Of my past

That will speak to you

If you will listen.

Some will tell lies of me

Others my truths.

Whom you believe will determine whether you

Find your way

To an Island surrounded by the river Phlegethon.

It is a battlefield of soldiers

With war exploding around you,

Unforgiving and relentless.

You may wonder what they are fighting for.

Both sides fight for truth.

Their truths are identical,

Yet still they fight.

Observe this battle.

Learn their beliefs.

My heart feels what you decide,

And if she deems your truth worthy,

You may continue

To the Malebolge.

It is large pit,

Shaped like an ampitheatre.

If you look down inside,

You hear voices crying out.

Crying, screaming,

Shouting to be heard.

Their regrets for what they had done

Fill your ears.

They wish to escape the pain

That they brought upon themselves.

Do not listen,

Do not help them,

For they are not real.

They want to drag you down with them

And keep you with them for eternity.

I beg you listen to yourself.

Listen to your heart.

Feel it beat, feel it pulse.

Block all sights and sounds.

Close your eyes

And walk forward.

Let it guide you on the final path

To warmth.

A heavy silence,

A deep sense of calm.

No more screams, no more pain,

No more worries.

Just stillness.

You open your eyes and see blackness.

You feel lost.

You do not know what will come next.

Then you see a bright flash.

You hear something.

You feel something soft brush against your face.

Another flash.

And lo, out of the black,

Something approaches.

Slowly, languidly,

Softly humming a melody,

Pure and beautiful.

She is the most beautiful woman

You have ever laid eyes upon,

Clothed in a shimmer of red.

As she smiles, everything glows

And is filled with light,

All the way through you to your own beating heart.

She holds out her hand,

Hoping you will grasp it

And let her lead you.

She welcomes you

To the paradise that is

My heart.

Moving Out and Settling In

2010-08-18T12:53:00.001-05:00

It's crazy hectic time now with me! Just moved my little brother into his dorm! I can't believe how much he and I have grown up! It's so hard to imagine him in college now!

This is his finished dorm after we spent the day unpacking and putting it together:

And today I'm getting my rear in gear to move into my campus apartment! I have growing piles of various items I'm bringing along with me collecting in my bedroom, the next door office, and in the living room downstairs. Today I'm moving in partly and then coming back here to spend my last night with my mom and watch The Fountain, which is one of my absolute favourite movies of all time! And the musical score is simply phenomenal!

I'm really excited about getting back in the musical swing of things! Time to get back to that practice room and sing sing sing, refresh my fingers on my piano, and this time play my flute more often! It's just so calming and therapeutic for me, music. Such a gift from God and a blessing I hope to cultivate forever!

Love and Blessings,
:) <3

House of Dreams

2010-08-16T00:34:00.000-05:00

I shall rock you to sleep with my lullabies,

Soft, enchanting, drifting,

Eyes closed and open to the City of Dreams.

There we will find

A cozy home to call our own,

Roses blossoming and clinging to the walls

With a desperate yearning to join together two worlds,

One wild, the other made by our two hands.

There is ever gladness,

Ever laughter,

Ever freedom,

Ever equality,

Ever hope,

Ever healing,

Ever trust,

Ever love.

I will clasp your hand in mine,

Warm and feeling your heart’s pulse beating

With my own.

And we will cross the threshold together,

Beginning anew in this safe haven,

Closing the door of reality behind us

As we merge in our dream,

Forever entwined in safety.

Bubbling Excitement

2010-08-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

Today I'm at the library because the internet's down for the weekend at my house. I could use the time away from internet anyway since it so easily becomes an addiction. Not to mention, I really need to keep moving on packing for Webster! I just finished going through all the magazines I had and tore out pages of articles I'd be interested in keeping while recycling the rest. I'll keep some for collage-making sometime whenever I have the impulse and urge to make something. I used to, so hopefully I'll get back to it one day. I miss how artistic I used to be and the many uses I put my creativity to. That's another goal I'm giving myself this year, to tap back into my talents that I haven't quite cultivated of late. I still need to go through all of my clothes to pack up. I'm also going to set about donating ones that I won't wear anymore to Goodwill. That'll help balance the fresh intake of new clothes I've added to my wardrobe. I'm really excited to wear all my new clothes too! I've been working out more and making healthier diet choices and noticing great results! It's so inspiring to put on clothes that really flatter your figure and make you look more professional and confident! I have to sort through my books too and decide which to bring along. My room in apartment has a little less space than my last room in East, so I'll have to be careful about what I bring. I don't want to have to turn down too many things because they won't fit.

My love for singing and performance is really starting to kick in now that classes, auditions, rehearsals, and lessons will be beginning soon! I can't wait to see everyone and hear their amazing voices and perform with them! It just fills me with such a happy glow! I'm starting to be on the hunt for arias and song cycles that I can learn and incorporate in my Junior Recital this approaching Spring! My talents are such blessings from God that I'll never cease being grateful for! I know it's in His plan for me that I use them to help others in some way in the future!

I had a great night last night, spending it with old friends and celebrating L's 21st birthday! I did some readings that most everyone was eager about, and they turned out to be accurate and insightful! It makes me so happy when I can help people understand more of a situation and give them advice on how to approach future decisions! I found a girlfriend for my dog Duke named Ariel, who's a purebred Husky! I think they'll get along quite nicely! There was a lot of talk about wedding and marriage too, which got me excited and anxious for J's and C's weddings coming up this December and November 2011! It's so much fun being a bridesmaid! And then there's a matter of thinking about the future with me and my boyfriend... It'll be several years down the road, but the anticipation and excitement are still here inside me! Yay for love! :D

My Duke! :)

I've calmed down a bit since yesterday about the looming challenge ahead of me, which is nice. Now's not the time for me to be stressing. But I can't forget it. It may already be too late to confront them, so I need to keep it in my thoughts to a point. I'll keep my prayers going for insight.

Time to watch Gossip Girl, my newest show I've begun to watch! I got the first season that I'll be settling down with!

Love and blessings.
<3

Taking a Plunge...

2010-08-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

I came across something in a book that made me look back on a really traumatic part of my past that I don't like to dwell on. But what it said made me wonder about whether the incident that happened could have been prevented and handled differently... I understand that it was in God's plan for me to come to terms with my mental disorder, but in truth, the authority figures and establishment that went about handling it were absolutely horrible to me. It wasn't fair, and as a result, four crucial months of my life were ruined and my life is changed forever. I look back and wonder what my life would be like if those four months were different. I could be in a completely different place right now.

The idea of taking action is slowly sprouting in my mind, but it scares me. I would be opening a can of worms that would be extremely painful for me to bear... I will keep this thought in my mind and prayers for now and look up research on past cases, not to mention talk to my uncle for advice on the matter. It's really serious business, but I can't afford to lose my composure and focus on my goals for school in the future. Fortunately, I have a wonderful mother and boyfriend that will help me through this decision I will choose to make.

Love and blessings.
<3

Newness!

2010-08-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

I have the impulse to start a blog, and so now I shall fill it with my thoughts on pretty much everything. Some posts may be boring, some amusing, some sad, some insightful, some romantic, some ridiculous, but all will be opinionated. This is more for myself than others, but I welcome one and all to read if you stumble across my little haven of precious thoughts! More will be written soon, but I am full of the duty and motivation to pack up and prepare to move into my new apartment at Webster University where I go to school.
Enjoy this heat, and blessings be upon you.
:) <3