Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

Celebrating Together...

2013-05-07T20:06:00.001-04:00

Did you ever think about the fact that you gave someone life?

Ever feel like a slacker? Lazy? Underachiever?
Don't.
You gave someone life.

THAT'S HUGE.

Obviously, it's so much more than just giving life - we all know that. But let's just keep it simple for the sake of this post and observe, recognize and be awe-struck over what we've done. In honor of Mother's Day - let's just look back on what we've accomplished and celebrate it as we should. Let's put aside our differences for a minute - let's stop the war of the words and the worlds as far as being a mom goes. I'm so tired from seeing women attack each other because others choose a different way. You've heard the old saying, "there's more than one way to skin a cat," well there's more than one way to raise a child, to feed a child, to diaper a child, to educate a child - - can we just make a decision to be kind to each other and respect the different parenting ways? Can we just stand together, as Mothers, and hold hands around the world and exhale for a minute?

To look back, do we preface it with all of the things we had to do to get pregnant/have a baby? Whether it was the first try, or the first round of in-vitro, or the first year of trying - or the first five years of waiting on an adoption list. We all have our firsts that we struggled with.

The first time we experienced morning sickness.
The first time we had a hormone shot.
The first time an adoption fell through.

We all got queasy over something in the beginning.

Then we went on to struggle with our seconds.

The second time we had to go back for an ultrasound because the first one made the Dr. uneasy.
The second round of in-vitro.
The second miscarriage.
The second round of blood work.
The second batch of adoption legal fees.
We all had all sorts of seconds...and not just of dessert helpings.

And we made it to three.

The third trimester restricted to bed rest.
The third round of in-vitro that worked.
The third trip to another country.
The third meeting with a genetic counselor.
The third trip to the ER.
We had thirds we will never forget.

And through miracles of all shape and form, all sizes big and small - we made it.

We held our baby.
We gave someone a life.
The greatest gift we could give.
But it doesn't end there. It's the gift we give - that keeps on giving. We keep giving.

Those helpless little ones. Needing us for everything. Food, comfort, diaper changes, warmth, love.
And we make it through those first few nights at home...and those first few weeks on no sleep...and those first few baths with our hearts in our throat. And when we do fall asleep, we wake up suddenly to make sure they are breathing...and we pray they don't choke, and we pray we don't fall down the stairs with them in our arms, and we pray that their first doctor's appointments reassure us that they are healthy and we're doing it right.

We just do it.

And the time goes on. And the years go by. And the worries change, and they multiply, and they come and they go - but they are there.

We are all in this together. No matter how you became a mother. No matter who you mother. Let's celebrate this together, regardless of what you believe, how you did it, what worked for you, what you stand for, what you stand up against - let's stand together.

We gave life.

THAT IS HUGE.

Celebrate it.

Cheers and Love,
Happy Mother's Day!
~DG

No-Brainer Mother's Day Gift Guide...

2013-05-02T07:55:00.001-04:00

Some of the best gifts can't be wrapped...like a good night of sleep!

According to an article I read online the other day, Americans are prepared to spend on average $120 on gifts for Mom. This economy is tough so I thought I’d give you kids a few tips on what you can give your Mom that won’t cost you a thing, and will be appreciated more than you will ever know!

Newborns to 3 months: You babies are tough little ones aren’t you? Mommy just got done with 40 weeks of physical discomfort from nausea to heartburn, swelling to frequent flatulence. Top that off with hours of labor and delivery - related misery, and I’d say you’ve got some work to do this Mother’s Day, baby cakes! Here’s a thought. If you’re a healthy little one, why not throw back a few extra ounces on Saturday night and then sleep for 9 hours straight. Mommy might panic a little and come in and check your breathing and gently nudge you to make sure you are ok, but just do me a favor and pretend you’re sleeping and even give her a gentle cooing noise and go back to sleep. Your gift of a few extra hours of slumber will ensure she will have the best Mother’s Day she can.
3 months to 1 year: Hey little munchkins! I know you get cranky from all of that growing you’re doing, but I’ve got an idea for a gift for your Mommies that have worked so hard to get you to this stage! How about you actually swallow the teething tabs she gives you and let the pain ease up enough to not be cranky for the 24 hours on Mother’s Day? Maybe not fight her when she gives you a frozen teether, not drop it on the floor every 2 minutes, or throw it across the room. Just pretend that what she’s doing is actually working and give her a little break from this frustrating transition. If you really can’t give up the teething for one night, here’s another idea. When mommy gets you dressed up in your fancy Sunday clothes before her nice Mother’s Day Brunch, don’t have a blow out right as your family is walking out the door and ruin your outfit. Try to have the blowout before she gets you dressed. This is one of the kindest, most considerate Mother’s Day gifts you could give her.
Toddlers 1-3 years: Ohhh look at you guys getting SOO big! Big enough to pull off a great gift for Mom this year that’s for sure! Ready for some suggestions? Here goes! When Mommy plays airplane with your creamed carrots and spinach, just go ahead and OPEN UP WIDE instead of spewing them in her hair, face, and clothes like you usually do! Try to avoid finger painting your hair, face and highchair if at all possible. I know, I know, it’s all fun and games on any other day - but this day is different. Just try to get it all in your mouth and swallow. That’s a good toddler! Terrible two year olds - pssst. Yeah YOU. Lay off the word “NO” today. You use it wayyy too much and it gets really old after a while. What you can do for your Mommy today is just say “YES“! Try it! It’s so fun! YES YES YES! And to you three year olds, here’s your job for today; when Mommy gets a phone call, don’t see that as a cue to start fighting with siblings, asking her questions, and insisting that you have to tell her something important. Just let her have a peaceful 10 minute conversation on the phone that doesn’t involve putting the person she’s speaking to on hold to bribe you with something to keep you quiet. While you’re at it, try to curb your need for juice and goldfish every 10 minutes so she doesn’t have to wait on you 20 times on Mother’s Day. An even better idea - try asking Daddy for once! If he doesn’t know where the Goldfish are, show him. Good job - you kids are great gift givers, you know that!?
Gradeschool 5-11 years: Gradeschoolers. Gradeschoolers. Gradeschoolers. Lend me your wax-filled, selective-hearing ears. Do I have your attention? Good. This is important. Mom has been taking care of you all year long. She gets 24 hours out of the 8,000+ hours in a year that she gives you so let’s make this count. Here’s what you can give her today. When you get up, be sure to make your bed. Brush your teeth without her telling you to. Get a bath or shower without being prodded, get dressed without drama, brush your own hair and be self-sufficient for the entire day. For the love of Pete, do not even think about telling Mom at 5:00 pm on Mother’s Day that you have a Science Project or report due on Monday. Get your homework done before Sunday without being asked, and if you get dressed up to go to breakfast, lunch or dinner in honor of mom, pu-leaaase don’t say you’re bored. Do these things, and you will have repaid your Mom back for a year of being the Best Mother Ever.
Tweens - 11-12 years: Today I want you to focus on the bathroom. Boys, pee IN the toilet. Any splashes? Wipe them up. Check the floor. Splashes down there? Clean it up. Girls - did you use the last of the toilet paper? Change the roll. Did you use the last roll? Go get another package from storage. Did you get soap all over the sink, water too? Get a paper towel and clean it up. Pay attention to details today kids. Clean up after yourselves and watch just how impressed your Mom will be with her ‘gift.’ Ease up on the eye rolls today, too. A few hugs and kisses would be spectacular. You aren’t too old to stop the affection, are you?
Teens 13+: Well hello loves. I’m sure you’re angry or frustrated about something this weekend. I get it. I’ve been there! Can you maybe put your anger on the backburner this weekend though? At least for Sunday. While you’re putting things away, can you go ahead and put your cell phone, ipod, ipad, Xbox, Wii controllers, etc. down too. Oh, one more thing - just for the day, log off of Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and Youtube and just give your mom your undivided attention for about an hour or two. Talk to her, tell her something funny, be kind, be appreciative. I’m sure you’ve got a little fun money in your piggy bank to buy a simple, thoughtful, heartfelt card as well. She will treasure that card as long as she lives - and who knows, she may remember it next time you ask to sleep over a friend’s house or go to a party. Oh, one more thing - if you have any bad news pending such as detentions, bad report cards, and anything like that, just do yourself and her a favor and wait until Monday to deliver the news. You’re a good sport for letting her enjoy this one big day.
Dads: Dads listen up. I’m not going to sugar-coat anything for you. If you even THINK about NOT getting her something, and using the excuse “you’re not my mother,” you haven’t learned anything in your adult life. Don’t do that. That’s a dirt bag move. We all know we aren’t your mother, nor do we want to be (although it’s ok for us to do your laundry, clean up your urine on and around the toilet, throw your dirty socks in the hamper that you managed to leave just outside of the hamper, and many other motherly duties). We are your children’s mother. We went through a lot to bring them into this world, and we go through a lot to keep them healthy and happy in this world - the least you can do is help them with getting a small gift, or if they are too little, pick up something nice on their behalf. Lingerie is another creeper move. That is not a gift on their behalf - that is YOU hoping to get lucky on Mother’s Day. Stop that. Today is NOT about you. How about a spa gift card? A mall gift card tucked inside a sweet card is always nice, too. Please - no pink -wrapped grocery store/ gas station roses or carnations. That says ‘desperate-last minute - no thought-put-in’ douche bag move. You have over 365 days to know that Mother’s Day is coming so don’t pull the “I didn’t have time to pick anything up” line either. Dads, you can do this - I know you can. Make sure she doesn’t have to cook, she doesn’t have to yell, and she doesn’t have any unnecessary drama for the day. You’ve got this.

Never. Ever. Say this.

Being a Mother truly is the greatest gift in the world. Being pampered once a year is a close second- so do your part in getting it right. Cheers, and a very Happy Mother’s Day, too. ~DG

Cry Me a River..It's Okay, I Can Swim.

2013-04-21T17:22:00.001-04:00

On April 19th, as millions were glued to TVs, radios, cell phones, awaiting news about the Boston bombing's second fugitive, many of us still had to go through the motions of everyday life. In my house at 2:30, like usual, Eldest strolled through the door. It was his last day of school before Spring Break. He had his report card (full of A's!) in his hand. I was thrilled, relieved that we made it through another term.

The sun was finally shining. It was almost 70 degrees -- a first for us here in New Hampshire. Three of Eldest's friends came over. They were all so happy to be outside in the sun, off from eighth grade for nine wonderful days.

And then.

Sirens. Coming from everywhere. Loud, screaming wailing sirens. Police flying by, ambulances, fire trucks.

My mind turned to Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in Boston -- the most wanted man alive in America at this moment -- because I'd been listening to NHPR all day, praying for the people locked in their homes, hoping for some type of peaceful ending to this horrible week we'd endured.
The kids stopped playing to watch the chaos as emergency vehicles flew by -- and then they continued to play a throw around game of lacrosse. I looked at them and thought, Ahh, as it should be. They shouldn't be concerned with Dzhokhar and the nightmare happening over an hour south of us. They should play. I, on the other hand, had to go get Middler from school and was hoping my two minute drive over, while listening to NHPR, would bring some closure to the news story.
I made my way to the school listening intently. Nothing new. Just the same awful factoids. Awful. Thinking of friends and family in Boston not knowing what is going on, where this guy is, or what other explosives are waiting at any random location.

I walked up the sidewalk to the school. As I chatted about the news with some Mom friends while waiting for our kids, we were deafened by the sound of a helicopter overhead. We looked up into the blinding sun and I realized it was the Dart -- the medivac helicopter that transports people badly injured to Dartmouth Hitchcock Hospital. Someone was in trouble.

I greeted my little guy with a huge hug and smile as he yelled "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S SPRING BREAK!?"

Our two minute drive back home was loaded with questions about what we were doing that night, the next day, when we would go to the park, where we should we go with our time off, what kinds of exciting things should we plan? It gave me a smile knowing that no matter what is going on in the world, if you have little ones, they bring you back to a sense of normalcy through their innocence, and you have to keep going, planning and moving forward.

I pulled into my driveway to find my 13-year-old and his friends huddled together, looking at their phones. This scenario, as many of you with teens know, is not uncommon since they are always on their gadgets, usually laughing at funny apps, texts and social media. But I got out of the car to find the look on Eldest's face to be somber.

"What's up? Is everything okay?"

He started to tell me that two of his friends were walking home from school when they were struck by a car that swerved off the road and up onto the sidewalk. A dozen kids were also walking home and witnessed the accident. And boom -- the texts between these middle school kids began -- a constant barrage of scary information.

I stood in the driveway contemplating what happened, and heard the piercing sounds of the Dart overhead. It was coming back for the second young victim.

We waited for answers and the whole community prayed. These were our kids who were hurt, not biologically, but we are a tight-knit group. We, the parents, have been in this together since the first day of Kindergarten, through all of the holiday concerts, and Little League, and Friday Family Bingo nights, parades, plays and what-not. Those sidewalks are visited and traveled on by all of our kids; it could've been any of them. On Friday, it was two lovely beautiful souls in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We remind our kids to walk on the sidewalks to stay safe. And now our sidewalks aren't safe either? Horrific. We prayed for a miracle, if there is such a thing, and we hoped that this was all somehow going to find a peaceful resolution just like we wished for the standoff in Boston.
Hours passed, texts ran rampant. My husband and I tried to stay occupied in front of the TV, watching them corner the fugitive in the boat in some poor man's backyard.
Then, Eldest yelled for me from his room. I ran upstairs to find him with his head in his hands. "They keep texting R.I.P. Lily...," he whimpered.

"Nooo honey... So many people are texting... You can't rush into anything; just wait until we know for sure. I'm sure everything is going to be all right." And I hugged him and doubted myself and thought I don't know that for sure, but I said it anyway.
I was startled out of our hug by the phone. It was my girlfriend, verifying the rumor. One of the girls hadn't made it. Eldest read my face and sat straight up. I made my way over to him. He buried his face in my shoulder and cried. He stayed there for a bit and finally pulled back to regroup. We were quiet, sitting in the dimly lit room.

Not too long later, I took him down to meet some classmates at the scene of the accident. Just a stone's throw from the school, a path taken by school kids all the time. The kids stood in a large circle and hugged each other and cried and cried and cried. And we parents stood together, quietly, with an understanding among us that we were in this together -- and it was hard.

Lily was kind. She was everyone's friend. She was the kind of kid that they all knew and could honestly say was nice to them. Her face lit up the room and her laughter was contagious. And she was gone. How can these middle school kids process this nonsense when we couldn't process it ourselves?
The driver who hit the girls, rumor has it, was texting and she rode up onto the sidewalk. It's not up to me to judge. I'll leave that for the police and the investigation, but she will have to live with a mental death sentence, knowing she ended a precious life and maimed a thriving 14-year-old girl. If she was texting... I can only hope that people will learn from her and stop -- stop texting while driving. Stop. Stop. Stop. Whatever the case ends up being, I'm sure her life will never be the same either.
Over the weekend, we went to the school where grief counselors were on hand. Eldest and his friends pulled together, sometimes quiet, sometimes chatty but always somber and always heavy. The kids walked down to the scene again and left flowers, teddy bears, candles and posters, in honor of their friend that they lost, and their other friend that remained in critical condition in the hospital.
The bridge on the corner at the scene of the accident looks over a flowing river of water that pours into one of the area's most beautiful lakes. The kids cried. Their tears fell into the river and were enough to make it overflow in a way and I thought to myself, Let it out kids, cry a river, it's okay, we will swim again. We will swim again -- even if it is in a river of tears from so much unnecessary, unexplainable sadness. We will swim again even if I have to put you on my back. It's okay, I will do it. We will carry you. And my mind went back to Boston and the voices saying "We will run again."
On Monday, exhaustion hit me. I'd been strong all weekend, and it finally caught up to me. As I sat quietly, while my husband took the boys for a bit, I thought back to my baby shower when I was pregnant with Eldest.

I got clothes... so many clothes.
Pacifiers.
Bottles.
Teddy bears and books.
Silly advice: Sleep when they sleep! Try to breastfeed! Don't try to breastfeed! Let them cry it out! Don't let them cry it out! Your life will be forever changed in the best way! It's the most rewarding job in the world! Advice, advice, advice.

But no one tells you that someday you might have to answer questions that don't have answers.
No one tells you that you'll have to swallow so many tears to let them cry theirs.
They will fail to mention that you'll have to comfort kids during a time when comfort is elusive.
They won't say how to make nightmares go away or how to mend broken hearts.
They won't tell you that sometimes when you say "everything will be okay," you won't believe it yourself.
They won't tell you that you'll have no way to protect them from the evil lurking at a race's finish line on a joyous spring day.
They can't tell you or me any of that -- for it would break our spirits, and we wouldn't learn how much courage we, in fact, do have as parents.

We wouldn't learn that we could swim with them on our backs in a river of tears.
We wouldn't believe that we could find hope in a seemingly hopeless situation.
We wouldn't see for ourselves that it's okay to be at a loss for answers as long as they know we are there, holding their hands, while we wait for closure that may or may not come.

I remembered opening the little blue polka-dotted bag that held a sweet little stuffed lion at my son's shower, at a time when I never could have imagined it would be the same lion staring at me from atop his dresser as I held my son while he mourned the loss of a friend. But I drew courage and breath as I looked in the lion's eyes, and was reminded that as a mother, we will always find the strength we need to in even the toughest hours.

This post is an outlet for me to be strong enough to walk with him through the days ahead, through the funeral and memorial and the last months of his eighth grade without his friend Lily.
God Bless You, Lily -- and send us a few rays of sunshine by way of your beautiful smile whenever you get a minute. We could sure use it.

With Quiet Courage...

2013-04-16T08:17:00.002-04:00

This morning, my 6 year old ran downstairs with a joy and excitement I haven't seen in a while.

Mommy, it's here! Spring is finally here!

Nevermind that Spring in New England technically arrived weeks ago. It has been cold, icy, windy, awful since the first day. Our hopes for warm sunny, tulip filled days were shattered. We waited and waited - but it didn't come.

Finally, today, the sun is shining, the clouds are few and far between, the sky is a gorgeous blue - and we have a renewed hope that we were not forgotten.

Kids have a way of keeping hope alive. They have a way of being a renewable energy source in our severely depleted souls. We only need to look in the faces and eyes of our children to find good, to find innocence, to find unconditional love. We cannot let them down - just as they never let us down. Every morning after yet another unfathomable disaster, their purity renews us and reminds us that we must keep our chin up, our hope alive, and our strength- in the face of chaos- unwavering.

I hope you can find strength, courage and love in the days ahead - no matter how your life was touched by this tragedy in our beloved city of Boston. Find a quiet courage to stay positive for your children, for your families, for your spouse, for your friends and neighbors. Nod and smile at people you see today, extend a kindness, and know that by doing that, you are holding hands with humanity and proving to evil that it will not take over our lives.

With quiet courage, humility and love - we walk together one step at a time,
xo
~DG

"In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life”
― Nicholas Sparks

"Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.

— Eleanor Roosevelt
You Learn By Living (1960)

My Most Truthful Work Resume

2013-04-09T17:29:00.000-04:00

If playing with lightsabers while drinking coffee and doing Yoga were worthwhile skills to put on my resume, I'd be hired in an instant!

Ever wonder what your most truthful resume would look like? Especially when you've been a SAHM for years and years and almost forgot what it is really like to work outside of the home? I was making a mental list of my skill set the other day - just for fun - and of course with the most sarcastic thoughts involved - and thought it might be fun to just be brutally honest and write it down. Now, I am back to work part-time - if you can call it that - since I do work for my husband in his office of our family business...so I can poke a little fun of myself and working with him. Hope you get a giggle or two at the skills I've mastered from over a decade of parenting. What would YOUR resume look like? In the comments, I'd love to hear your mission statement, your ideal work environment or your special skills set...anything you want - enjoy!

**********************

222 Domesticated Drive

Parentown, PA 00007

domesticgoddess@simpleton.com

Mission Statement: I am a 50%-er who is ready and willing to give 75% to a prospective employer outside of the home.

My Ideal Work Environment: A place where I can go to clear my head, be left alone for the first 1-2 hours to drink my coffee and read blogs, and spread 4 actual hours of work over 8 to reach maximum salary with minimal effort.

Professional Profile at a Glance

Sleep Therapist Nurse Janitor Chef Nanny Maid Chauffeur Back Rubber/Massotherapist CNA/LNA skills Party Planner Coach/Life Skills Leader Motivational Speaker Lightsaber/Jedi Master BooBoo Technician and

Many More...

Somewhat accomplished Mother of three with wide range of odd skills. Seeking to transition from full-time 24/7 Parenting Job to 40 hour work-week job outside of home, preferably with a lock on the restroom door. Outstanding dictatorship-like leadership-qualities, with a specialty in behavioral solutions and tantrum-avoidance. Not particularly organized, but possess a strong awareness and idea of where most of the important things are kept, and excels in filing documents in the circular storage unit to avoid clutter. Though amongst children under 13 for the majority of the past decade plus, boasts amazing interpersonal skills with basic, monosyllabic words and sentences. Strong expertise in multi-tasking and rushing through projects at the last minute. Specializes in conflict and dispute resolution, time-outs, and homework project management solutions.

Important Key Facts, Skills and Accomplishments

*No Fear of Toddlers

I have raised three boys through toddlerhood, survived the terrible twos and threes, overcame the demands of the fours, dealt with the tantrums of the fives, sailed through the sloppy sixes, and so on. I do not let children smell fear on me. I often

have the upper hand and demand respect while succumbing to their repeated pleas for something they want. I have lived through the highest pitched screams, stopped them from jumping off of a crib, negotiated deals, reversed their thinking, and closed even the most difficult deals. Skills - these are the skills brilliant, brave women are made of.

*Resilience and Mental Strength

I helped break three children of their pacifiers, was able to withstand years without a full night of sleep, have gone without hot meals and can text and cut meat with one hand (and not my dominant one). I have given birth three times and laughed in the face of contractions (post-epidural, but who's questioning that?) I can literally shower, apply my make up and dry my hair in 5 minutes and 38 seconds. (Embellishment for dramatic effect). I have been known for my swift, cougar-like reactions to midnight vomiting and can change soiled sheets and put fresh ones on in the dark, again, in under 5 minutes and 38 seconds. *cough*

*Keeps Priorities in Check/Self-less in Nature

Once I fell down a flight of stairs and proceeded to cook a entire Greek meal for friends and family while barely able to feel my right arm. I've also been known to give my 1/2 eaten donut to one of my children if they caught me eating it in a broom closet. I no longer have 100 pairs of shoes and matching purses, but have scaled back to 50. Ok 75.

*Dependability

I am 100% dependable, unless one of my children gets sick - and someone is always sick - amiright? Any employer can also count on me to run out mid-morning for coffee and danishes, as well as lunch, and afternoon coffees. I will not, however, pick up your dry-cleaning because then you'd just be taking advantage of me (unless I have some to pick up already - then, no problem).

Education:

Completed necessary requirements to graduate, with a special focus on note writing and MASH future predictor-surveys.Special focus/talents in Sale Math and Percentages off of clearance items. Excelled in Sorority party planning and social graces in university.

Special skills in dressing on a college student's budget and eating out for less.

Extracurricular Activities:

I pride myself in little to no strenuous activity and I would not consider myself 'outdoor friendly.'' I am an avid walker - and an even more avid talker. I would have to say my favorite extra-curriculars are shopping, getting pedicures and massages, and coloring my hair. I have little time for any of that with the kids so most of the time my daily hobbies include Geocaching-like indoor expeditions in search of lost Legos, climbing loads of laundry, and emptying the dishwasher with Olympic discus-style form and speed.

References:

(Please feel free to contact the following people for glowing references on my abilities and skills)

~My 13 year old: Please contact by text only. He will tell you that I am great with last minute late -night projects that are due the next morning, baking dozens of cookies the day of the bake sale, and organizing my time wisely enough to get him to all of his extra-curricular activities. Gripes and touchy subjects include i pod apps, bathing/personal hygiene and flatulence at the most inappropriate times.

~My 6 year old: Please contact in person on the playground with pre-determined time set by teacher. Do not ask him about my cooking. He is a picky eater and will not give you the truth about my abilities. Other off-limit topics include his blankey, nose picking, and his butt wiping issues. Safe topics for include: nighttime back rubs, administering of medicines via medicine dropper, ice cream sundae toppings organization skills as well as scooping very cold ice cream with grace and ease.

~My 4 year old: Please contact him via LeapPad - you know, the device I spent 6 days on ebay shopping un-victoriously for when you couldn't find it in stores - yes that one. Off limit topics: Bathtime, not being picked for Lineleader, and bedtime. Safe topics: Ninjago, Legos, Santa Claus and Star Wars. You won't get much out of him other than his mom is pretty awesome but has a weird amount of facial hair, and jello-y thighs.
~Our Pediatrician: This is one of the only people I've had very strong interactions with on a monthly basis and sometimes more. He will vouge for my undying love for my kids, he will tell you I follow directions well, I am diligent, quick to pay my invoices and ask really good questions. He will also tell you that I ended my senseless research on WebMd per his advice and that I am logical and witty, even under the worst conditions.

Please note: No professional references are available since I have been out of the race for so long. I have little to no adult skills to brag about unless you consider my high tolerance for pain during sickness because I cannot afford to be ill or my household will shut down. This is good for your concern of my using sick days. I can vomit and then go on to do six loads of laundry without blinking. My previous employer will tell you that I put the 'ass' in assistant like no admin she's ever had before.

MISC. ODD SKILLS AND THINGS I CAN BRING TO THE CONFERENCE TABLE:

The ability to sing a song or quote a movie for almost any occasion and/or work conversation. Some Jedi-Mind trick skills, but only on children. Swift and fearless with a plastic lightsaber. Extremely fast scrolling fingers can buzz through FB newsfeeds with ease, read texts quickly, and I can type 100wpm and text about 8 wpm. Not that I'll need them at work, but my baby's bum-wiping skills are impeccable. I would also be able to somewhat graciously clean up urine that is not mine from the workplace toilet seat - just out of habit and good hygiene alone. I have the ability to down about 3 cups of extremely hot coffee in about 5 minutes and 38 seconds. I am also very good at looking like I am working behind a computer screen, but actually online shopping or bidding on high-end knockoffs on eBay.

Please call or email to set up an interview at my convenience, definitely not on Mondays or Fridays, and I find most Tuesdays I am irritated and groggy, other than that, I am flexible.

Cheers and laughs,

~DG

To Keep..or Not to Keep. That is the Question.

2013-04-07T07:06:00.000-04:00

If I'm being honest, I'm one art project shy of being on Hoarders.

The other day, I was busy zooming around the kitchen trying to prepare a rushed dinner before everyone was off to their different sports practices. I had given my littlest one a small project to do in order to keep him occupied long enough that I could complete my already -difficult task. He sat at the table, eyebrows tightly knit, tongue slightly out of his mouth, tiny fingers pinching the crayon just like his preschool teacher taught him. He was serious - so serious - as he drew a few stick figures as colorful and as neat as possible for a four year old. By the time I was done with dinner, he was just finishing up as well, when suddenly he threw down his last crayon and almost fell out of his seat in order to rush to my side to show me his masterpiece.

"I DREW OUR FAMILY!! " He shouted with so much enthusiasm and pride.

Sure enough - there were 5 stick figures. Each one of them a different size and color with big awkward round circles for eyes. He narrated over my shoulder and explained who was who and why. I couldn't help but giggle when he said, "and that's you mommy - I drew you in black because you have black hair, black under your eyes, and you love to wear the color black." I can't really argue with that. Sadly, however, I was a bit alarmed that he drew my arms sticking out of my ears, and my legs (the only portrait I own that shows me with long, skinny ones where there is actually light in between my thighs) starting just under my chin. The one really great thing about my part of the drawing was my big red smile. Whew. When he thinks of me, he pictures me happy. Score one for mom and her large red happy lips. My husband's legs took up half of the paper and he towered over all of us as if he is on stilts. He has a very very small head - much smaller than mine, and his arms remind me of the dinosaur in Meet the Robinsons. Clearly, he got the lack of Art skills from me - yet another thing I did not have to graciously pass down to my children. I giggled under my breath. It was just too funny not to.

I don't know why, through the rush and panic of trying to get dinner ready and on the table in time for everyone, that I was actually graced with the ability to take the time to notice how he drew that photo with care and thought, or the look on his face as he planned out the sizes and colors of each family member, or when he was done, the bursting joy he felt en-route to showing me his masterpiece, but luckily, today was a day that I recognized the beauty of it all. Something so seemingly simple like a drawing - a task given to merely keep him out of my hair while I get my task done - that, if taken a minute time out - I could see and understand the joy he felt - and in turn made me feel.

"Mommy, I drew you with red eyes because sometimes your eyes are red and crackle-y" Ummm that would be because I haven't slept in 13 years thankyouverymuch.

That night, as everyone left with my husband for practice, I went over to my big drawer of school projects. You know that drawer - or place - or pile - or spot in the closet where all of your kids' art and crafty stuff go because you don't really have the heart to throw them away - but your fridge space is already occupied and you don't know where else to put it? Yes - that drawer. I had 3 years of pre-school stuff in there and a few odds and ends from my 13 year old as well. As I sorted through them, I tried to imagine their faces, filled with expressions from serious to excited as they made them with pride and concentrated so hard to make something I'd be thrilled to get. Did I give them the reaction worthy of their efforts when I picked them up? Or was I too stressed that day to feign the joy they were hoping for? What would've made me squeal with delight over an art project? I tried to think of my responses to them and gave myself the benefit of the doubt that I gave them enough of a reaction to placate them for another day. Too often I've tossed those art pieces aside on the front seat of my car, with a mini-eye-roll thinking more clutter. I mean, the day my youngest brought home a clump of what looked like Playdoh topped with a chess piece and a feather, sprinkled in sequins - I thought, really? What the hell am I going to do with this thing? And yet I specifically remember that was one of the projects he was most thrilled about giving me. How about the 1/2 dozen violets I've gotten for Mother's Day? I still have two of them because I feel too guilty to throw them away. They are dried up nothings now with a pot covered in pink metallic foil with faint markings that say Happy Mother's Day from different years. Don't these teachers (God bless them!) know that my job is to keep my children alive and thriving- not plants? I mean, how does anyone keep these little plants alive for years? Some of my Overachiever friends line them up on the window sill and display them with pride, while I don't even try to cover up the fact that mine have shriveled up and died. I can't help it - if they don't have a voice to remind me to feed and water them, chances are, their days in my kitchen are numbered. Once again, I can only hope that my reaction to them giving me this tiny violet was enough to make me worth as a Mother. I think I did ok. I think I kept my oh no, not another violet worries to myself.

Anyhow- my point is, what seems like a silly little drawing or art project to us, took time and effort for them to make. (Ok, we all know that sometimes, when they are in a mood, they rush through a project and scribble and barely put any effort in, so there are exceptions to this, as with anything!) As the years go by, the projects will vary in shape and size, in effort and skill, but the thought, whether it was put there by a teacher or by our kids, is there, and the intent is good.

So as you're doing your Spring Cleaning (*cough, cough, chuckle, giggle*) and come across these artsy fartsy projects, keep in mind that your little one had you in their little thought bubble above their little noggins and find a place for it - for they have a place for us in their hearts forever.

Cheers and Love,
~DG

PEEPSTER SUNDAES!

2013-03-25T07:42:00.001-04:00

Peeps Ala Mode? Yes. Please.

The good Peeps at Peeps thought they'd challenge an Underachiever to a craft idea with these fun little marshmallow characters. Maybe they thought it would be good to show frazzled, busy, crazed moms how easy and inexpensive it is to use Peeps for Easter/Spring decorations - they probably thought they'd use a Tag line So Easy Even an Underachiever Can Do It. If you've seen my Pinterest board then you'll know what kind of hot mess I really am with crafts - I can't even keep my boards straight - I've got my cut out cookies (my only baking talent) with my ecards I made, and my movie quotes mixed in with memes. I'm a mess. So - let me be the first to say - if I can do something fun with Peeps - so can you.

OK - - so here's the thing. Peeps has the cutest little video about 2 brothers - and of course, they remind me of my 2 littlest boys...and they'll remind you of something too...(we'll get to that in a minute). You know I'm a huge movie buff so if you are too, I bet you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. So watch this video and then tell me what movie comes to mind - if you're a real movie buff, you won't cheat and scroll past the video...right?

OK so...what movie came to mind when this little guy named off all of the ways to use Peeps?

Yup...you're right. Forrest Gump....when Bubba told Forrest all the ways to make Shrimp.

Bubba: Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

(Pic source:speakinggump.com)

So I get the challenge from Peeps to come up with a Peeps craft of some sort - or recipe..and I start thinking back to Forrest Gump...and talking like Bubba.

I started to Google/Pinterest Search the following to see if my clever ideas were already out there..
Peeptini? - DONE BEFORE.
Peepkabobs? DONE.
Centerpeeps? (Centerpiece made of peeps) DONE.

Shit. It's all been done. Now I really have to dig deep.
Peeptini? (Martini w/ Peeps) - done.
Peepsicles? (Frozen Peeps) - done and DONE!
Rice Kripeep Treats? DONE - WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO??

And then...it hit me. My girlfriend Heather just opened the magnificent, delicious, mouthwatering YoBite! shop in Chelmsford, Mass and I've been dying to get down there with the boys to try it out. Yobite has 12 yogurt flavors and more than 50 toppings - so it would be the perfect place for me to make something that has not (not that I know of) been done before - and I wouldn't even have to dirty my kitchen!!! (BONUS!)..ready? Drumroll...

How much fun will your kids have making these!!!??

Peepster Sundaes! (Instead of Easter Sundays...get it??)
SOOO easy, even an Underachiever can make them. Ok, so I'm not a poster girl for something difficult but whatever - I'll take it! The COLORS - -ohhh the colors make this so easy and fun..toasted coconut for the nest? Not a fan of coconut, no worries - with your toppings you can do anything with these little doobies!

These are all made with YOBITE! (SQUEEEEE..IT'S SO GOOD..IF YOU LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR CHELMSFORD - WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???)!

Orange Sorbet with toasted coconut and sprinkles!

Banana frozen yogurt , toasted coconut and sprinkles.

Blueberry Tart frozen yogurt with fresh blueberries and sprinkles!

Original Tart frozen yogurt with blue gummy bears, toasted coconut and sprinkles ! EEEK so stinkin' cute!

It's Easter - and you have a house full of family and little ones - - you get some frozen yogurt or your favorite ice cream and toppings and line them up on the table to make your own Peepster Sundaes- and everyone is happy! Hooray! Who knew being an Underachiever could be so fun!

Whatever you decide to do with your Peeps - have fun - and enjoy!

Cheers and Love,

~DG, Queen of Underachieving

*This post was sponsored by Peeps but the thoughts and opinions are my own...

Befriending The Enemy Within

2013-03-21T07:50:00.001-04:00

Why is everyone so off these days?

The Economy? War? Natural Disasters? Depressing News? Anxiety? Illness? Stress? Money? Kids?Worry? Fear? How are any of these things different from anything our parents, grandparents, etc went through? Are they magnified because of technology - and our instant know-all gadgets that come at us from every direction leaving us little peaceful time in the day?

Sometimes with a heavy heart, I look around me. Whether it's while driving, dropping off/picking up kids from school, going to work, meetings, scrolling through Twitter or Facebook, reading blogs, whatever -I see despair - it's everywhere. Depression. Loveless, mechanical, faked interactions. Cruel words. Unnecessary roughness, mean spirited comments, anger, quickness to judge. And though I pride myself in being someone who is constantly looking for the good, seeing the glass half full, looking on the bright side, remaining pleasant - it is hard to stay focused when there is so much poison brewing all around me. Especially with women - it's like we are all swimming upstream, trying to make our way through Motherhood - and we have other women pushing us under the current, making us gasp for breath and have a harder time than we already do just staying above water. Why can't women stop doing that to each other and start pulling each other up?

I am starting my deconstruction of this drama by looking within. I am someone who loves deeply - cares wholeheartedly, gets involved, listens, laughs, spreads cheer - and yet within myself I find a strong sense of being incomplete, discomfort, self-loathing and disappointment. That voice within that won't stay quiet when I go to bed at night. Why so harsh? There's the inability, or so it feels, to balance motherhood, work, friendship, homemaking, life, love, living - there is so much pressure to do this gracefully, eloquently, graciously. Keep weight down, keep bank balance up, keep kids well, keep house clean, volunteer, shuttle, enrich, read, homework - do this- do that go go go. It's exhausting. The critics in my head are constantly judging me. Nice job - your house looks like a cyclone hit it. You call that dinner? Your shirt is wrinkled, your throw pillows are stained, your duvet needs washed. When is the last time you broke a sweat? Your pants are tight, your closet is unorganized. FAIL FAIL FAIL!

When I walk past a mirror in a store I do a double take..holy crap you've got serious bags under your eyes - you need some blush - you're hair is a mess. What would it take for me to look in the mirror as I walk past, do a double take and say damn girl you look good! Do I even have that capability in me? Do I need a full on spa and makeup/hair session before I'd ever be able to do that? Or even then would I say - too much makeup - not the right color gloss - I look this, I look that. I guess one thing I am grateful to be able to do is hit the pillow at night knowing I'm a good person - knowing I gave someone a smile that might have needed it - or knowing that I was the best person I could be. Vanity vs. Integrity. I guess I'd rather Integrity win - but I still would like to be healthy - in the whole sense of the word.

So. Back to the basics. I can love my family and friends - and life for that matter, as deeply and as passionately as humanly possible - but if I can't love myself - the rest is silly. It doesn't matter. It is null and void - meaningless..all for not. Only when I decide that I am worthy of love, that I am worthy of putting myself on the list of cared for people during the hours I am awake, will anything change with me or around me. So, as my 40th year approaches, and maybe many feel like this at 40, it's time for me to matter. It's time for self-love, growth, pride, reflection. It's time to say - you are not perfect - but you are something pretty special.

I have to ask myself - would I be friends with someone who treated me, or talked to me in the way that I talk to myself? Would I be friends with someone who constantly told me I wasn't good enough? What about a friend who told me nothing but lies - whether it's about diet and exercise lies I tell myself - or working harder or being better. How many promises have I broken to myself? Would I put up with that from a friend? Why would I be that kind of friend to myself?? Why?

So there it is. A commitment to being kind and good to myself first. And then to calmly keep the presence of mind that there is nothing to fear in the world around me as long as I am living each day like it is a gift and giving myself to myself and others around me to the best of my ability. And living my life as my own best friend - loving and kind - gracious and good - content and conscious of the beauty I've been blessed with. If we all had this way of life, would we then have the ability to extend that kindness to others effortlessly? I should hope so. We have to start somewhere.

So who is the enemy? Are we our own worst enemy? Is the fact that we are unkind to ourselves, why we have a tendency to be unkind to others - or less tolerant, or less patient? How can we get our own insecurities and flaws in check enough to bring out the best in others?

I'm so tired of feeling beaten down with the inhumanity around me. No matter what political affiliation, religious belief, sexual preference, color, race, region, etc. we come from, we are brothers and sisters in humanity. When we no longer believe that, we have lost everything good in our world. We have an obligation to each other as humans to get back to decency and civility...to helping each other...to feeling empathy and passion - not anger and rage at every turn. What happened to the benefit of the doubt? To lending a hand without questioning it? To lifting up others so that we in turn can feel uplifted? Why has it become so hard to turn the other cheek - or simply walk away - or choose not to get involved in pointless drama? It's one thing to defend someone or something you know is wrong - but another to stir the pot - or throw gasoline on the fire and watch the flames engulf everyone around you. If people could find the joy in encouraging others instead of knocking others down - our world would immediately be a better place.

Maybe I'm wrong to feel hopeful that we needed to fall as a human race like this in order to rebuild. But I can only hope that to be this forlorn and forgone is what it will take to make people refocus on the simple humanity within us all. We all hurt, we all cry, we all suffer with the battles within - but we all love, laugh, and live in a way that is relatable to each other. I'm starting with the one person who I know I can change for the better, in hopes that it will enable me to love deeper and show more compassion for others in every aspect of my life. More than anything, I want to be the change I hope for - and an example to my children and the people around me.
Just random thoughts...until next time,
~DG

Parenting is Like Being on a Reality TV Show

2013-03-13T07:51:00.003-04:00

The other day I caught a recap of a reality show that hit me as an all too familiar scene in my life. When Padma from Top Chef tells one of the contestants to pack their knives and go I started to laugh because I was thinking about my own struggles with my kids and their opinions years of what I make for dinner.

We have three boys - ages 4 to 12, and no matter how well we've brought them up to appreciate what they have, keep the complaining to a minimum, and applied the you'll eat what I made or you'll not eat at all hardball approach, they are still just kids, and therefore entitled to their opinions, right? So I was thinking that I, too, have some pint-size celebrity judges on my panel every evening and it hit me that being a parent eerily resembles that of several different reality shows.

Let's just start with Top Chef.

Before, during and after dinner, I hear little comments trickling in here and there. What's that smell? Chicken - ? Again? Is something burning? I hope that's not broccoli in the pan. I imagine myself, at the end of the 30 minute-time frame that I have to make dinner (on a good night), exhausted, disheveled, nerves shot and sweaty - standing before a panel of three boys ready to tell me what I've done wrong with the fried chicken.

Boy 1: It seemed a bit greasy and left my hands feeling oily and disgusting.

Boy 2: It wasn't as crunchy as KFC's.

Boy 3: It was too hard to chew.

Overall Consensus: Please pack your knives, and go.

The Amazing Race

Don't you love when your kids have different sports practices at the same time at 2 different locations across town? How about different Open Houses at different schools at exactly 5:00 pm? So you need to rush home early from work, get them ready, fly out the door - show up too early for one, too late for another and no matter how hard you tried or that you just moved heaven and earth to pull it together, you still look like an asshole at both places. Don't you sometimes feel like you're on an episode of the Amazing Race and you're running like a madwoman against the clock - you're never going to make it! GO GO GOOOOO! Detour - Roadblock - U-turn - NO ....you forgot something - you'll never make it ! ARRRRRRGH...Someone always ends up crying on the Amazing Race too- but in my life, it's usually me. How are we supposed to be in 2 places at the same time? MISSION - IMPOSSIBLE! I'M JUST DOING THE BEST I CAN DAMMIT!

Consensus: DG-- sorry to tell you, you are the last parent to arrive...and you have been eliminated from the race.

Pawn Stars - You finally decide to take that expensive high chair that was barely used to a Children's second hand store. You walk in with confidence that your chair will bring in big money as it retails for triple digits and is in pristine shape. They offer you $10 cash on the spot. You ask for $50. They counteroffer $11 - you sell and walk out with your pride and $11 in your hand.

Consensus: This thing is a piece of junk. Had you left the original seat cushion it would be worth $200. Take the $11 or get out of our shop.

Survivor - Outwit-Outplay-Outlast We play this one daily don't we? Isn't parenting a game of outwitting, outlasting and outplaying? Beware of siblings forging alliances and blindsiding you at Tribal Council or you'll be the one whose torch gets snuffed out at the end of a long day.

Consensus - The tribe has spoken - we are going to Funspot to play arcade games for the day.

Beware of children with strong alliances - they will Outwit you after a long week of working and you'll end up in an arcade and you won't even know how you got there.

The Biggest Loser - Remember your vow to start eating healthier and exercising? After a long week of shuffling everyone around every which way, you've not given 100% to your workouts - you've made some bad food choices. When it comes time to get up on that big ol' scale to see how you did - you can hear almost hear Jillian's loud, disapproving exhale at your number. YOU'RE NOT DOIN' THE WORK AND I'M TIRED OF YOUR EXCUSES! Then - Allie's voice in the back of your head as you step off that scale....

Consensus - DG, I'm sorry to tell you, unless you count the fact that all you lost this week are your keys, your grocery list and part of your mind, you are not the Biggest Loser - and it's time for you to go.

Real Housewives of ____________ Umm no. No part of our lives resembles this show. Next?

The Apprentice - - Bake Sale items needed by Friday, Pajama day on Thursday, PTO meeting before school Friday morning....? Top it off with the need to play tooth fairy tonight and it sure seems like too many things to remember - and it is. Imagine a Kindergarten-sized, messed up haired- mini Donald Trump coming home from school and yelling at your for forgetting it was Jammie day and basically telling you that he was the only one who showed up in regular clothes - or even worse, waking up and looking all through his sheets to see if he could find the dollar from the tooth fairy while you scramble to pretend it fell under the bed and save your skin with 2 seconds to spare.

Consensus: Your organization skills need work, you're a sloppy team leader and you dropped the ball on pajama day which is one of the deadly sins in the eyes of a Kindergartner. You had several things to remember, you screwed it up - they have no choice but to tell you - You're Fired (at least for a few minutes anyways!)

The Bachelorette - -

Like I said before, with three boys ages 4 to 12 so it's safe to say that there are only so many activities we can do for so long before someone starts vying for my attention. One wants to play football outside, one wants me to work on Legos, and one wants me to read a book. They all want to spend time with me alone. They all want to get in my bed at night (ok, just the two little ones - the 13 year old not so much ..lol!). I wish I could say I can balance all three of them like a professional juggler all the time but I can't. Sometimes it seems I just don't have enough roses to go around and someone ends up in tears. I try to give them each special attention but it doesn't always work.

Consensus: Someone is always left without a rose (or in this case, a Lego?) I'm left feeling awful and trying to make up for it in another way. Having three requires lots of time, patience and love - luckily I have lots of all three - and when I don't, I still pretend that I do.

That's the end of my analogy. No matter how hard this gig is, I am blessed beyond words - I love these kids with everything I have - and love being the star of my very own reality show. Thank God there are no cameras around though!

What reality show best describes your life??
Love and Hugs -
~DG
PS - - - Have you entered my Easter toy giveaway? YOU HAVEN'T? What are you waiting for - it's easy - and who doesn't want free toys??? Click here to enter.. Good Luck!

TOY GIVEAWAY! Save the Chocolate Bunnies (And My Diet..Please)

2013-03-12T15:22:00.002-04:00

Ok have you seen this adorable little cartoon about saving the Chocolate Bunnies?? Here's the thing - yes, they are tasty - and yes, every Easter basket should have one - but some of us are on a diet, thank you very much. I can't have those delicious, long eared, tiny- nosed, mouthwatering chocolate bunnies all over the house this Easter if I ever hope to get into a bathing suit - or even just last year's capris for crying out loud. I mean, do you know how many years I've been breaking the ears off of these guys and dipping them in a large jar of peanut butter - but then the ears aren't quite enough and I end up decapitating them and then I think well that's disturbing - I can't just leave a body there like that...so I end up eating the body, too? It's a problem that I do NOT intend to subject myself to this year! SO - I am selfishly going to promote the Save the Bunnies campaign and beg you to just put toys in the Easter Baskets this year ! I mean technically the chocolate bunnies are for my kids - but I mean they usually get more than one from grandparents, etc - so I really do need to put my foot down and follow Mattel's suggestion and just get them some toys.

So - I am very excited to be partnering with Mattel to give you a shot at winning some fun toys to stuff your Easter baskets with! (Which reminds me, they never said we couldn't go crazy buying jelly beans - there's no reason we have to give up all of our vices in one year!!)

We have two exciting contests for you to enter! The first is one designed JUST FOR my fans!! One lucky winner will get a Hot Wheels 5 Pack and a Barbie Madison! So if that sounds like something you

think would be fun for your kids then be sure to enter the Rafflecopter giveaway here!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The second giveaway is one that is running across multiple blogs but I just know one of you has the best shot of winning, don't you agree!? The first prize is a gift basket full of toys and 10 second prizes! Here is the entry form for that one, too! Be sure to enter both so you have an even better chance of winning! All prizes will be packed and shipped to you from the Mattel Store!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thank you for supporting my totally self-serving public service announcement! For the record, I know these choco-bunnies are for the kids - but like the buckets of Halloween candy that stare us in the face for weeks, and the countless Valentine's Day boxes of chocolates that are determined to sabotage our New Year's Resolutions, I refuse to be taunted by leftover chocolate bunnies that are just begging to be snapped in half with a tall glass of milk. I will not be caught off guard when the warm weather approaches! Just say YES to Easter basket toys - and NO to temptation!

:) Cheers and love - and thanks for humoring me - - - I very much hope that my friends win all of the prizes!! (Be sure to let me know if you did, ok!!) GOOD LUCK - and thanks for saving the bunnies!

~DG

Got Laughs? Because We Sure Do..

2013-03-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

So the very brilliant and funny Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat pulled together a team of over 30 bloggers to put together a humor anthology. Why? Because we want to make fools of ourselves for a laugh. Who can't use some really over-the-top stories about Motherhood? Is it silly? Yes. Is it a little edgy - of course it is. Will it make you feel a little less alone in this crazy gig we call Parenting ? Why yes, yes it will. I am so proud to be amongst some very very funny ladies. So whether you have the need for the physical book on your nightstand or want to download it to your high-tech gadget - give I Just Want to Pee Alone a shot - because after all, don't we all need a little more humor in our lives? I will say this - it is for Mature Audiences...so you decide if you are Mature enough (or in our case, immature enough) to indulge.

Cheers and Love,
DG
Here is a beautiful article that lists all of the contributors and their bios..check it out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is the quick hit full list of contributors:People I Want to Punch in the Throat Insane in the Mom Brain
 The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
 Baby Sideburns
 Rants From Mommyland You Know it Happens at Your House Too
 The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess My Life and Kids
 Bad Parenting Moments
 Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
 Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
 Four Plus an Angel
 Honest Mom
 Binkies and Briefcases
 Naps Happen
 Kelley's Break Room
 Toulouse & Tonic
 HouseTalkN Hollow Tree Ventures
 The Fordeville Diaries
 Snarkfest
Mom's New Stage
 Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
 The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
 Momaical
 Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
 Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
 I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping
 Random Handprints
RachRiot
 You're My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
 My Real Life

10 Telltale Signs You May Have Watched Too Much Downton Abbey

2013-02-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

That's me with the cast of Downton. Or so it feels like I'm part of the family after watching too many episodes.

(DISCLAIMER: THERE ARE NO SPOILERS IN THIS BLOG)

I'm always a day late and a dollar short to stuff. It's typical DG form. It took forever for me to succumb to the Twilight Books, 50 Shades of Gray, Twitter, Pinterest and other Pop Culture-y kinds of stuff. I have to dip my toe in when it comes to things that Social Media peer pressures me into investigating. That being said - once I give in, I almost always become completely obsessed with it and give myself a V8 hit in the forehead - like well why didn't I do that a long time ago!

About 9 months ago, my dear friend Jen at People I Want to Punch in the Throat and I were chatting and she casually asked me if I watched Downton Abbey. It was the first I had heard of it so I can only assume she was in the midst of a fresh love affair with the show. I answered that I did not and she strongly encouraged me to do so - that it was really entertaining and I would love it just like she did. I made a mental note, and as with most things, that mental note blew away in to the New Hampshire air after only a few minutes. About a month ago, she posted a blog called Which Downton Character Are You (WARNING! THIS HAS SPOILERS SO IF YOU ARE MID-DOWNTON, PRE-DOWNTON, THINKING ABOUT DOWNTON - DO NOT READ!) anyhow, she posted that and I thought if she's posting about Downton - then it must be good. One of my very dearest friends, Carolyn kept asking if I had watched it yet and I knew she was dying to pull me in to the obsession. Then two of my other dear blogging friends The Bearded Iris and Frugalista Blog were talking/raving about Downton and I caved. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'LL DO IT.

I was just about to re-start my Dreadmill Routine so I figured I'd grab my ipad, pull up Netflix and start watching. My promise to myself was that I would/could only watch it on. the. treadmill. I am now at the last episode of Season 3 and I am so beyond hooked that I think I might have a problem. (Sidenote: Netflix only has Season 1 - I downloaded Seasons 2 and 3 from itunes). Here are some telltale signs you too might be watching too much Downton Abbey...

1. You have a desire for Tea. And you know how I love coffee... But all of this DA has me craving tea. They drink tea constantly. Worried? Tea. Can't sleep? Tea. Bored? Tea. Visitor? Tea. TEA TEA TEA! I only drink tea when I am on my death bed with the flu. I'm starting to rethink and tinker with the idea of cheating on Juan Valdez. Blasphemy - I know. This is the power of Downton.

Which brings me to another dilemma...I feel like I really, really need a Butler. (source: keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk)

2. You start to feel guilty for never polishing or using the Silver set your grandmother gave you. And those beautiful shiny copper pots in Mrs. Patmore's kitchen make me want to give my cookware the boot.

(source: pinterest.com)

3. You are slightly offended that you have to make your own dinner -and even more offended once you realize that YOU are the Carson of your own home, answering your your family's dinner needs. You eat last - and you are on clean up duty with Daisy.

(Source:visiontv.ca)

4. You are completely annoyed by the blatant mis-pronunciation of DOWNTON and you stop wondering why they didn't just name it DOWNTOWN to begin with.

(source: someecards.com)

5. Out of guilt, you stop throwing dishes and silverware on the table like you did Pre-Downton and start cautiously folding the napkins with care.

(source: gentlemansgazette.com)

6. Upon hearing the words "I'm Laura Linney" you get an adrenaline rush.

(source: heckyeahdowntonabbey.tumblr.com)

7. Your thoughts now have a British Accent.

(source:tumbler.com)

8. You ask your kids to call you Mama and Papa and have to fight the urge to answer people with Yes M'Lord and Yes M'Lady.

(source:google.com)

9. Every time you go to swear you hear Maggie Smith say "My Dear, Vulgarity is No Substitute for Wit."

(credit: themetapicture.com)

10. Your facial expressions start to mimic/resemble Cousin Violet (Maggie Smith).

Very pleased. (google images)

Surprised. (google images)

Displeased.(source: socialitelife.com)

That's all for now loves - the Dreadmill and Downton await my arrival. I am all too excited - and to quote our Dear Cousin Violet - at my age, one must ration one's excitement.

(source: pinterest.com)

Pinky's Up, Clinks, Cheers, and Love from the Early 1900's...
~DG

Snow Much Fun...

2013-02-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

One of the perks to having kids...lots of volunteers for shoveling in a snowstorm. And when I say volunteers - I mean I volunteer them to shovel.

Snow Days.
Winter 'Vacation.'
February Break.
Those 3 terms all bring joy to kids here in New England. You know what they bring to Moms? 2 words.

More Work.

(insert minor disclaimer...I know, enjoy them while they're young, these are the things that make fond childhood memories for your kids, suck it up buttercup..I know, I know - but this is my blog and I will vent accordingly so that I can get it out here and be bright and cheery when it's time to go back out into the Great White Arctic Tundra with the kids.) Carry On.

"Mooooooooom, can we go outside and play in the snow? Please, Please, Please, Please, Pleaaaaaaase?"

I knew it was coming. Between the several feet of snow that has accumulated in the past 2 weeks, the huge snowdrifts, and their February Break - it was inevitable that I would have to take them out to play in it. You know what this means. A few simple steps to getting them ready to go outside and have loads o' fun right? ((Gong. Buzzer. X)) No. Fun for them - yes! Fun for Mom - not exactly.

First of all you must begin the layering process. Long johns, long socks, warm fleecy pants, snowpants, mittens, boots, hats and all of a sudden you have Randy from a Christmas story. Who can move with so many layers?

I can't put my arms dowwwn!

Do you think for a minute that you were able to find everyone's everything just like that? Inevitably, someone's mitten has gone missing, a hat hiding under a table in plain sight - someone left something at school, in their backpack, in the car - who knows. So an easy ten minutes will be lost looking for someone's missing item. MOOOOOMMMM WHERE'S MY ______?   MOOOMMMMM I CAN'T FIND MY _______! MOOOOOM HE TOOK MY ________! If you're lucky, your kids are persistent and continue to search for things with their eyes open. Eventually everyone finds found their boots, but chances are someone is going to complain that they don't fit right. You'll spend another five to ten minutes trying to get the inner lining of the boot to fit in the way it should, then several more struggling with your child's foot. Those boots are so rugged, there's no way to tell whether or not their foot actually is in all the way or not. Be prepared for someone to fall over within their first few minutes of walking.

Ok so let's just say by some miracle everyone is dressed and ready to go outside. The first ten minutes are pure adrenaline from excitement. This isn't so bad.     Right?   Wrong.

Moommmm can you pull us in the sled?

Immediately, you start to wonder how you became a Siberian Husky (wait, maybe it was too many comfort carby foods this winter? but that's another blog of its own) but the look on their faces is so priceless that you push forward.   And by push forward I mean trudge through snow that is literally up to your knees and higher. Your thighs start to burn from the exertion and then you break out in a sweat like you are in the middle of a Body Combat workout. Hmmm, wonder how many calories this is burning? The kids snap you out of your calorie contemplations and yell for you to go faster. MUSH! MUSH!!!! You can only keep this up for another lap before you are about to fall over from exhaustion. The kids, however, seem to just be warming up.

Of course, snow angels are next.   Do you know that snow angels are the cause of the sopping wet mess of an outdoor clothing pile that will be waiting you in just a few hours? But nevermind that. What child doesn't want to make his/her angel mark in the snow. It's a simple necessity of outdoor play. After all of this fun and innocence goes on for a while - inevitably it takes a turn and starts going downhill. Someone - and there's always someone in a crowd of outdoorsmen who throws the first snowball and yells SNOWBALL FIGHT!!! Immediately, my PTSD from younger years kicks in and reminds me of getting pelted in the face with a brilliantly compacted/constructed snowball from my brother or other childhood -Scut- Farkus-type of 'friend.' Most of my outdoor memories are tarnished with traumatic memories of getting socked with snowballs. Why is it so hysterically funny to bomb someone with ice cold flying snow? I still to this day do not know. One time when we were dating, my husband hit me with one and I had to lay down the law. Do not ever. Ever. I mean never - do that again. He knew I meant business - and I think part of him felt sorry for me for the extreme trauma that surged through my body when I said it. Some horrific childhood memories just don't go away.

Most likely, the driving force that brings outdoor play to a halt is either they are too cold, someone got hit in the face with a flying snow torture device, someone can't feel their feet or hands, or someone has to pee. Any of those things happen, and the show is over. Now the work really begins for you.

Everyone trudges back inside - and if you're like me and don't have a 'mudroom' this is where it gets tricky. For me, it means besides my own outerwear, 3 pairs of snow- filled boots , 3 pairs of sopping wet mittens, 3 hats, 3 coats, and of course - everyone pretending like they don't know how to remove snowpants. Someone is tripping, falling over, playing drama king and yelling but I have to peeeeee!! What's left is a trail of wet outerwear covering my kitchen floor and three boys fighting to get to the bathroom first.

You can't even begin to tackle the pile because you are now putting on your kitchen maid's hat to prepare the long-awaited cup of hot chocolate - which I think is the real reason anyone goes out in the snow in the first place. Add some marshmallows and whip cream and now the kids will be on a sugar high while they are thawing out from the freezer burns from being outside. Soon everyone will be so exhausted from overexertion in the snow, and the sugar crash, they will end up fast asleep somewhere on the couch - leaving your quiet time to be spent doing the countless loads of laundry from soiled piles of outerwear. Once you finally get everything put away and cleaned up, you'll hear the inevitable....Mommmm can we go back outside and play? That was so fun!

Rinse, Repeat same scenario every day of vacation and what do you have?
One tired Momma.

Cheers and Love,
~DG

When Good Baby Monitors Go Bad

2013-02-16T08:53:00.000-05:00

The baby monitor hates me...and don't worry, I hate it right back.

How did our moms do it without one? I mean, we turned out ok didn't we? Maybe we have the ability to yell louder than our children do today? Maybe we are more persistent than our children are? Maybe we had more will to drive our parents crazy because we had to yell louder, longer, and fight harder to get their attention as babies. Who knows. Regardless, I admire my mom more than ever for not having a baby monitor for us.

My oldest is 13. My youngest are 4 and 5. So basically, I've been suffering with trying to find the right Baby Monitor for over a decade. My conclusion. There is no such thing as a perfect baby monitor.

Here's the thing. When they are infants. The baby monitor is your best friend and your worst enemy. While it does its job of giving you peace of mind knowing that you can hear them breathing and can see them sleeping on the tiny screen next to your bed, you also know that the very second you drift off into a desperate type of sleep, it is going to blare the sounds of escalating terror in your ear and scare the crap out of you. You eventually build up a resistance to this kind of jarring wake up call, and make peace with the monitor even though you still never really fall into the deep kind of sleep you once had the luxury of experiencing.

So once you get through that type of newborn monitor craziness, you feel like they still aren't old enough to survive on their own without the reassuring safety back up of the monitor. By now, the monitor might be 18 months old or so - and once in a while you might here some feedback, a neighbor's telephone conversation, the hammering of the roofers 3 doors down, who knows. Meh. Annoying but not too big of a deal.

"There's no snooze button on the baby monitor..." Love it. (cartoon from Failblog.com)

Enter year 2. You still feel the need to have a baby monitor - maybe your child has asthma, or allergies, or nothing wrong at all - you just feel better knowing you can physically turn and look at your child without leaving the comfort of your own bed. Year 2 was funny for us. Middler figured out that if he speaks directly into the monitor, one of us will come. I distinctly recall hearing on the monitor.."Mahhhk, Andwea, in anybody der???" When they start asking for you by first name, you know they mean business.

Year 3 for us brought night terrors and sleepwalking for our youngest. That's fun. You finally fall into a decent sleep and are startled by the sound of someone trying to open the door to the downstairs - or shake the baby gate you have there for added safety. You look on the monitor to find no one there. That'll get you moving quickly. 2.8 seconds is all it takes to find your little one shaking the gate, confused, crying or sitting in the middle of the hallway half asleep. Again..thank God for baby monitors. They have you right where you want them. Don't even think it's time to let go yet.

Year 4. Still have the baby monitor up because one enjoys hearing the whistling of the nasal passages while the kids sleep. But as in dog years. year 4 in Baby Monitor years is like how we feel turning 80. Breaking down, cranky, can't hear well, vision starting to go - you can bet your monitor is nearing the end. At this point, the only way to get your monitor to work without the annoying crackly static, is by sleeping with your arm straight up in the air. This is the only position the monitor will work without noise. If you turn over, and put your elbow slightly over your head, the feedback may subside long enough for you to fall asleep - but if you shift in bed, be prepared to hear a loud, amplified, noise repeating over and over until you once again either put your arm in the air, or over your head.

There have been nights I almost felt like committing technological homicide. I have fantasized about throwing it as hard as I could across the room and watching it shatter in 1000 pieces - never to be heard from again. I've even gotten a small giggle out of imagining putting my hands around its scrawny antenna and simulating choking it until it stopped crackling. It's wrong. But when you're sleep deprived after 13 years of children, you start to get a little loopy. I've also entertained thoughts of clubbing my sleeping husband in the nose with the monitor itself, since he claims it doesn't get good reception at all on his side, leaving me to deal with the monitor for years. Sometimes the thought of turning it up full blast and putting it on his pillow near his ear brings me more joy than it probably should.

I've seen them do some really funny stuff on the monitor and it's those times I wish it had a video recording device built in where, at the touch of a button, I could begin recording what they are doing and saying or singing in there. Why don't these baby monitor companies call me for ideas? I'd make them so much money. I'd also request a 2 way button - so I could talk to them through the monitor. "You're fine - go back to sleep..." Brilliant.

I'm not ready to retire or choke that monitor yet - I still worry that there are sleepwalkers among us. Just last night, for example, I heard the quiet sounds of stirring and opened one eye to check the monitor, only to find no one in the toddler bed. I quickly got up and found Youngest in the bathroom trying to squeeze toothpaste on to his toothbrush. At 3 am. He was sleepwalking. I admire him for tending to his oral hygiene in his sleep. Perhaps I could get him to pick up his toys in his sleep, or fold some laundry..who knows. But the comfort of knowing I can look to the monitor to see they are, in fact, still there (or not) - and to listen closely through the static to hear their steady snoring is still enough to help me get through their childhood.

How do you like your baby monitor? Do tell.

xo
DG

DG's Silly Coffee Mug Giveaway!

2013-02-05T07:38:00.000-05:00

Hey shmoopies!!

Lots of you have emailed me about the silly mugs I've been posting on my Facebook page! I decided it would be a fun surprise to GIVE them away!! I have 6 funny mugs along with some delicious flavored coffee from Folgers that is just waiting for a home!

Rafflecopter here will do the honor of picking 6 random winners on Valentine's Day. I will post the winners on my Facebook page as well. The lucky winners will have 24 hours to email me their address to domesticgoddess@metrocast.net - or the Rafflecopter beast will pick another winner..so don't get too wrapped up in Valentine's Day and forget to check to see if you won!!

Good luck. I am so excited to make some people happy with a fun little prize to say THANK YOU for starting your mornings with me and a good cup of coffee!

xo
DG

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Super Bowl Party Penalities

2013-02-02T20:38:00.000-05:00

Top 10 Super Bowl Party Penalties

1. Encroachment: When a guest cuts in front of another guest at the snack table.

2. Holding: When one guest verbally detains another by talking their ear off, causing confusion and delay in the food line.

3. Offsides: When a guest loiters in front of a particular dish of food,   grazing from the serving dish instead getting his own plate, causing other guests to be temporarily snackblocked.

4. Roughing the 'Cooker': When a guest distracts the hostess with questions or comments causing something in the kitchen to overcook and/or burn.

5. Face Mask: When a guest doesn't mention to another guest that they have spinach from the dip stuck in their teeth.

6. False Start: When a guest goes into the kitchen under the guise of helping the hostess get things ready but really just wants a jump start on eating the snacks before they get placed on the food table.

7. Interference: Talking/Laughing/Being Disruptive during commercials. Also see: Standing in front of the big screen asking who is winning every 10 minutes and inquiring how much longer until the halftime show.

8. Illegal Use of Hands - Grabbing food off of the serving trays without using appropriate serving tools provided. Also see: Groping guests while intoxicated.

9. Illegal Motion/Procedure: Dipping a chip or vegetable in various salsas, etc, taking a bite, and then repeating process with bitten off end.   Also see: Double Dipping.

10. Personal Foul: Blatantly passing gas and leaving the room, leaving the people around you to take the blame.

Helpful Hints When Starting a Treadmill Routine

2013-01-31T15:20:00.000-05:00

Proper footwear is a must for safe treadmill use.

As most of you know, I hate exercise. But it is a mandatory part of my week if I want to continue eating nachos while watching the Biggest Loser with some sort of a clean conscience. I wasn't born with the metabolism to eat whatever I want and not gain the weight, so while some people exercise for good health, I exercise to eat things I enjoy. It is a totally screwed up way of thinking, I know this. But it works.

I've tried to trick myself with different things to do while on the treadmill to keep things interesting. Some things work, somethings don't. I compiled a short list to help you if you've decided to make 2013 the year you finally get a treadmill and not for your cats or children to climb on or to hang clothes on, but to get your butt moving.

1. DON'T watch Nicholas Sparks movies while on the treadmill. I put on Nights in Rodanthe the other day and as if I wasn't gasping for breath enough as it was, I started to cry when Richard Gere died and ended up a blubbering mess, crying and trying to breathe all at the same time while trying to maintain a decent jogging speed. I was so entranced by the movie I lost all critical thinking skills that would've told me to either a) get off the treadmill or b) slow down a little or c)the thing that makes the most sense - get off the treadmill altogether and hop on the couch with a box of tissues and a blanket.

Nicholas Sparks movies are never a wise choice for treadmill entertainment.

2. DO put a motivational photo up on or near the treadmill - this can be either of yourself in a bathing suit or a bathing suit you saw in a catalog that you'd like to fit into. You could also put an unflattering photo of yourself or someone else if that's what really drives you to push harder.

A photo of you or someone else in a bathing suit could prove to be helpful during a workout. Or not.

3. DON'T use a complicated piece of technology such as an ipod touch or any of those mini devices - too many music choices during a dreaded workout will tempt you to keep changing the dial and not pay attention to your footing and it could lead you a tangled mess in your headphones leading to possible injury.

Thumb Circles should not be included in your treadmill routine.

4. DO try to diversify your treadmill workout to avoid boredom. Use the incline throughout your workout to increase the intensity and calorie burn, walk at a really fast pace that almost feels like a jog, and once in a while do a sprint for 30 seconds or so. The sprints will make you appreciate the jog more, the jog will make you appreciate the fast walk more, and the fast walk will make you appreciate sitting on the couch more. Simple basic principles of laziness really.

5. DON'T try to jazz it up too much like our friend here in the Youtube video. Applying a funky dance routine can lead to twisted ankles, pulled muscles, and possible head trauma. Get into the routine, but don't bust a joint trying to bust a move. I love this girl - but a treadmill dance routine is not for the faint of heart or clumsy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RcVtON3Zlc&feature=related

6. DO keep fluids nearby. Water, Gatorade, Red Bull, 5 hour caffeine drinks (kidding!), liquid sunshine, anything like that is nice. It's important that you stay hydrated.

7. DON'T keep a flask, an open beer or glass of wine in the drink holder - save that for the couch after the workout. We're here for a job. No one should be guilty of TWI (treadmilling while intoxicated).

Friends don't let friends walk drunk.

8. DO get to know your treadmill. Each treadmill is a little different, but most have two buttons: START AND STOP. The start button is green - like go. The stop but is red - like - Hell no I'm not spending another minute on this thing! For safety, almost all treadmills come with an automatic stop-button . On mine it's a clip that can attach to your shirt or shorts and on the other end is a magnet so if you trip and fall on your shoelaces that you didn't bother to tie well, like I often do, you'll pull the safety cord— and the treadmill will shut off, leaving you on the floor, clueless as to how far you actually walked/jogged. Not cool.

9. DON'T hang on your machine. No one likes a cheap date - not even your treadmill. Have some pride in yourself. Watch your posture while exercising. Whether you are walking or running, keep your shoulders back and head up looking forward. Use your basic walking or running stride length, and try to swing your arms at your sides to help you move faster. Make sure your heels land first then push off with your toes. If you're going to be on it, work it like a pro. I'd recommend putting a mirror close by so you could check your stance, but if we liked what we saw when we looked in the mirror, we wouldn't be on the treadmill in the first place now would we?

Try to avoid short naps while on the treadmill.

10. DO remember to warm up and cool down - this does not include assuming the fetal position on the floor and falling asleep before your routine begins nor does it include starting in warm up and staying in that mode the whole time. If you can carry on a phone conversation with a friend while you are on the treadmill, your heart rate isn't getting close enough to heart attack zone to actually make a difference! Hang up the phone and walk!

Hope my little list helps you in your fitness quest! Good luck, and remember what Jack Lalane always said.."I hate exercise..but I love results!"

~DG
(Reposted from last February...)

Relationship or E-lationship?

2013-01-31T08:05:00.003-05:00

To Share is Human.
To Unplug is Divine.

Does it take Superpower strength to unplug these days?
What kind of willpower does it take to resist the urge to overshare?

Are we losing our ability to communicate with others the traditional way - or is the traditional way becoming obsolete?

These questions started swirling through my head after overhearing a conversation while in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Woman 1: "Hiiiiii how arrrrrre youuuuuu????? So gooooo to seeee youuuuu..."
I immediately was drawn to this conversation because they genuinely seemed so glad to see each other.
Woman 2: "Oh my gosh hiiiiiiiii....goooooood...yeahhhh youuuu tooooo!!!"
So far, so good. We have eye contact, enthusiasm, long drawn out, exaggerated girly exclamations. Seems legit. And then...it happened.
Woman 1: "Can I just say that the photo of the panini you posted the other day on FB literally made me drool?"
Woman 2: "I knowww, riiiight? I took it with Instagram before I took a bite, but I could hardly stand having to wait to eat it because I couldn't get the right angle.."
Woman 1: "Oh my gosh I hate when that happens - you want to get the right angle so it looks even better in the photo."
Woman 2: "It really was delicious."
At this point, my eyebrow was furrowed and I think I had a perplexed look on my face. I was kind of taken aback at how relevant and real this conversation was because this kind of stuff is happening everywhere.
Back to the conversation - it got even better.
Woman 2: "And speaking of Facebook, I saw your photos from Disney! Looks like you had a great time except when you posted about your little guy getting sick on that one ride and throwing up on your lap - that was horrible."
Woman 1: "Oh - you can't imagine how bad it smelled - it was sour and full of chunks - and worse yet, I spent over $100 on that lunch only for him to throw it up.."
Woman 2: "Yeahh, I remember you posting that - ...poor kid."
Woman 1: "But did you see the pool photos? That pool was amazing!"
Woman 2: "No I didn't see those."
Woman 1: "Ohhh you missed those? You HAVE TO SEE THOSE. As soon as you get home, promise me you'll go back to my page and scroll through the photos again - you'll just die when you see how gorgeous the pool was..I CANNOT believe you missed those - they were the ones where I took a photo of my toes at the end of my reclining chair by the pool...really you missed those? So weird. Facebook has been acting so weird lately...it's just so annoying!"
Ok...so now I feel like woman 2 is being chastised for not clicking through the entire series of "Our Family Trip to Disney..." I can sense tension in the air starting to form.
Woman 2: "Hey are you going to so and so's Pampered Chef party on Thursday? I saw you were on the Event page of people that were invited..."
Woman 1: "Pffft. Are you joking? She had the nerrrrrrve to invite me through Facebook? I don't even check those Events on Facebook because I am connnnnnstantly getting invited to stuff. I mean can't she just take the time to texxxxt people about the party instead of just expecting them to check on Facebook for every single event in their friends' lives? It's just soooo rude."
Ummmm hello? Judge Judy? So what you're saying is, you expect everyone to be constantly checking their Social Media outlets for YOUR stuff but when someone does the same you point the finger? Ohh and text? Text an invite? Bahahahahaa. Poor Emily Post is rolling over in her grave! Oh the humanity!

Are we rewriting the book on Social Graces? (google images)

Unfortunately, it was my turn to check out at the register so I had to move along in line and miss how their story ended. Just for fun though - I thought I'd make up my own ending.

Woman 1: What are your plans for Sunday's Superbowl?
Woman 2: Oh we are going to stay home and just tweet about what we think of the commercials and stuff. I'm also going to make a Stadium made strictly of cheese and snack foods. Don't worry, I'll post a photo of it on Facebook so you can see it! What are you guys doing?
Woman 1: We're having a party at our house with some friends - but I'll be watching for your tweets while keeping an eye on Facebook to see what everyone else is up to!
Woman 2: Well, be sure to post pics of your Superbowl spread too!! I am sure I'll be drooling over your stuff as always!
Woman 1: OK then, it was realllllly goood to seeee youuuuu. You loooook amaaaaaazing! I'll be "seeing" you on Facebook soon! *insert silly giggle here*
Woman 2: Ohhhh youuuu tooooo. taaaaake caaaaare!
Woman 1: Oh and don't forget - as soon as you get home - check my Disney photos for the pool pics and let me know how you like them! *tee hee!*

I don't know what's happening these days, but I'm just going to put it this way.
I know too much. I know political affiliations, views on gun control, marriage, I know who likes to Vaguebook on a regular basis, I know who is dating, separated, suffering, sick, happy, volunteering, out to eat, on the couch, snuggled up, eating, drinking, peeing, pooping, vomiting, snotty, cleaning, cooking, baking, voting, on vacation. Jeez. I know. I knowwwwwwwwwww it alllllllllllllllllll!

Seriously. I do. I know what you did last summer, the summer before that, the springs in between that and every damn winter as well. I know - all of it. True Story. (source: imdb)

And the weird thing is - some of it is stuff I don't really want or need to know. I mean- for almost 40 years, I've lived my life being perfectly happy not knowing how often people/friends/family/acquaintances dine out and what their dinner looked like. When two of my friends, became friends with each other - I was happy learning this eventually through a conversation with one or both of them - but now I am being constantly reminded on Facebook in this horrific scrolling bar in the right side with more information than I could ever process in a lifetime. So and so is now friends with so and so. so and so just read an article on cnn.com, so and so just checked in at Long John Silver, so and so just guessed "Love is a Battlefield" on SongPop. The worst part is, I can't even navigate well enough on Facebook now to know where to shut some of this info off - and how to ensure that I'm not guilty of this stuff as well. I mean if I indulge in a game of SongPop, and guess the song Maniac is everyone I'm friends with going to get that newsflash that I have so little social life that I'm sitting on the laptop playing Songpop? What about if I innocently "like" a status that a friend posted - or commented "how cute!" on a photo of their pet/baby/cupcakes/etc. Every time I comment, it's probably letting my FB friends know that I did. Too much. It's awful. Look - obviously, it's kind of fun to have a newsfeed on Facebook - otherwise I would've deleted my account years ago. Honestly, there is something very entertaining in a borderline -voyeur kind of way. It's kind of nice to know that you aren't the only one with the winter blues, or with sick kids, or with insomnia. I mean we all want to feel like we're not alone in the rat race. So there is some joy that comes with scrolling through on a Friday night knowing most of my friends are in their jammies at 7pm. It's natural to want to share in that manner.

(http://www.funscrape.com/Cover/904/Check+Me+Facebook.html)

Now, everywhere you turn, you're being reminded not to share too much on Facebook because it's there until you die and left for your kids and grandchildren to look up as well. I mean, it's got to be common sense that when using any social media, you should apply the motto less is more and then you won't have to worry about things coming back to bite you. I mean too much of a good thing doesn't make it a great thing - it makes it annoying and overdone. Moderation. Is there a such thing? I hope so. I remember a few years back when I first got on Facebook there was this hysterical British parody of what if Facebook was a real life process. If you haven't seen it - it's pretty funny. Check it out here.

(http://spuse.tumblr.com/post/1010236660/internet-addiction)

So true. ( someecards)

The other problem is we are so readily available and reachable via cell phones, texts, ipads, messaging, email, etc - that we are expected to stay plugged in and at everyone's beckon call. Try unplugging for an hour and someone trying to reach you (God forbid they call your home phone - that is, if you still have a home phone) - they'll think you've been abducted by aliens from another planet. Where WERE you?? I was texting you! I sent you a message on Facebook! (which by the way now has a timestamp to show the other person that you did in fact SEE it and you are officially being ignored..paranoia takes over at this point). What did I do? What did I say? Whoa. STOP THE MADNESS!

Oh I love this one - source: “Our Connected World” a cartoon by David Horsey · Check Twitter Dammit!

We cannot lose our right to unplug. If there is an absolute emergency - people will be able to contact you. They will. We cannot become so emotionally disconnected and so technologically connected that we become robotic in nature. That would be awful. We've got to get back to some sense of logical, realistic, sensible sense of normalcy. Stepping away from the computer shouldn't be traumatic, rather it should bring some peace and quiet, along with a sense of connecting with those around us in a more intimate, personal way.

(someecards)

Until next time, be sure to share this blog with everyone you know on Twitter, Facebook, and other Social Media so that people know what you're up to, what you're reading, and what not. (KIDDING!) Also, rest assured if you are guilty of any of these things, don't worry, I am, too. Just trying to keep up with modern times, that's all. wink wink.

Cyber hugs and all of that high techy kinda stuff..
~DG
PS - How annoying to even ask - but if you have a second, will you throw me a sympathy vote on the Circle of Moms contest? Ewww. I hate even asking - it's so door-to-door sales-y feeling. But I'm in it and there's no turning back now - so please help me not make an ass out of myself. Thanks in advance. xo http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

Why I do What I do...

2013-01-29T08:11:00.001-05:00

Most of you know how I feel about January, 2013 so far. I think it has been a real asshole to many. Between sickness, a few losses to Cancer, bitter cold, bad news and other untimely aggravations, it's almost gotten the best of me.

Most of you also know that the reason I started this blog over a year ago was to make my corner of the world, or even my contribution to the world, a few funnies when you need them. A silly story here, an outrageous opinion there, nothing too serious, some random thoughts, some relatable content. I'm not trying to get rich with the pennies that I've accumulated over 13 months, nor do I think I will write the next Oprah book club selection. I'm just trying to reach people like me who might have had a shitty day, need a giggle, know they're not alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Simplicity.

Yesterday I worked, got the kids to and from where they needed to be and sat down for my daily session on Facebook. As I scrolled through updates and posts, one common trend stuck out. Admins banning people who had nasty comments, people contradicting a joke that was posted, commenters looking for a fight or a reason to put someone down, people judging each other - etc. It all weighed heavily on my shoulders. Granted, I see this kind of stuff all of the time and have learned to scroll, ignore, delete, move along - whatever self -defense mechanisms I've learned through this gig, I've implemented. But yesterday was different. Yesterday felt like it was too much to bear. I slammed my computer shut as if to close the door on every mean person out there and had that random thought pop in my head to just walk away from all of it. Unplug. Quit. Stop trying. Give in. Let 'them' win. Evil Finally Beats Good was the headline running through my mind. Instead of going to the pantry to look for every salty, crunchy snack to stand there and graze on until the feelings passed (and instead replaced with feelings of guilt from the bingefest), I got my workout gear on and hit the treadmill. And I ran. And every time I wanted to stop, I got mad and pushed through it. FOUR miles later I was wiped. I walked a bit more to cool down and I did a mental check, and the thoughts had subsided. Wow. This feels good. A big exhale and I got off the treadmill and jumped in the shower. All of the anger washed down the drain - I even thought of some funny things somewhere between the 2nd shampoo and conditioning.

This morning, I got up to find an email from another blogger I helped to get started quite a while back.

DG--I’m sorry, but I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind for like two days now. So I just have to ask...is everything ok? If so then maybe you are just on my mind. Not a bad thing, since you are one of the most amazing people I have ever had the blessing to interact with...but..I’m thinking about you. And sending huge hugs. Just in case. xo T

And then I remembered why I do what I do.
Connecting with people I'd never normally meet in real life.
Touching the hearts of others with a story.

Reaching out to someone in a similar situation - someone trying to find their place in the world, someone trying to get through Motherhood, someone's hand to hold that would otherwise feel alone.

Her note, though short and sweet, filled me with a renewed sense of purpose. It reminded me that there are two ways to look at everything - you can see the good ( and there is SO much of it out there), or the bad. You can choose to put your energy toward the joy, kindness, friendships, and love of others - or you can let the bad gobble you up and send you sinking in to the deep abyss of depression. It's a battle. Some days it's a tougher battle than others. But damn it - it's a battle I choose to fight.

I may not win any contest - I may not get a book deal - but that's not why I do it. I do this to spread cheer and smiles to others - and though I know I'd be able to help so many more people if I could win Powerball - I feel like I'm already rich from reaping the benefits from the friendships I've formed by putting myself out there.

As I said in my response to "T" when I ask myself "what's wrong with people?" or "why are people so mean?" My answer is - "People" are not mean - some people are mean. The majority of people are still very good. Like her. She is what is right in this world. Taking 2 minutes out of her busy day to just say "hey, not sure if you're ok, but thought I'd just drop a quick note to make sure.." So today I choose to refocus my energy and remember to put my stock into the idea that more people are good than not - they may not get the attention that they deserve - or be in the spotlight - but I can mentally get them back there and notice them - and for that ability alone, I'm grateful.

So "T" (and anyone else sending kind thoughts on a daily basis), I accept your hugs with open arms and a gracious heart, and send my appreciation for reminding me that I can choose to be brought down by the negativity of the miserable people out there, or I can continue to be uplifted by the good and kindness of others.

Good. For the Win.

Until next time...is there someone you should reach out to with a short, sweet note of kindness? What's two minutes out of your day? It could mean more than you know.

Big hugs and love to all of you - until next time,

~DG

How To Annoy Your Husband During a Football Game

2013-01-20T20:57:00.002-05:00

Ahhh the Championship games are here. After this - the Super Bowl. Another long NFL season is coming to an end. Fantasy Football is over - the obsessing over every injury, every yard, every interception is done.

This is it. This is my last opportunity to pay my husband back for the ridiculous, annoying commentary he has bombarded me with during my one to two hours of peaceful time without the kids around and tainted my show watching all year long. Dancing with the Stars would be accompanied with wardrobe comments, questions about this and that - critiques on hair and body. Grey's Anatomy would be peppered in sarcastic remarks about Patrick Dempsey's hair and what's so great about him, and how gaunt so and so looks, and how this or that would never happen. And not just any Grey's Anatomy episode - but the post-crash episodes this season when Sloane (McSteamy) died and I was crying my eyes out. Nevermind if he busted me once -in -a-blue-moon sneaking a Housewives of Somewhere episode - ohhh then I just turned the tv off instead of listen to his verbal pecking the whole time. Yes. Paybacks have been coming for a while.

Looks like today's the day. His beloved Patriots are in the Championship game. He's giddy with excitement. It's my time to shine - and really drive a point home here.

It's the third quarter. I've compiled a list of all of the things I've done so far. I think at this point he knows it's a joke/experiment/blog research because he knows I wouldn't normally put so much effort into trying to annoy him.

Here's my Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Husband During a Football game - also known as paybacks for peanut-gallery-type commentary on my chick flicks and girly shows.

1. Talk incessantly about the uniforms. Seriously. The Ravens pants are HAWT. I love the solid black tighty spandexy pants they have on. I can't tell where the pants end and the socks begin. I wouldn't mind a pair to kick around in. The black with the flashy B on the thigh...love it. Much better than those awful misty-grey pants with the stripe down the thigh that the Pats are wearing.

2. Yell for the other team just as much as the home team. This will cause confusion and irritation. Tell him you feel so sorry for the losing team, the head coach of the losing team who will probably lose his job and not be able to support his family, and especially for the wives of the losing teams' players. Trying to over-humanize them will drive him to drink.

3. Ask questions and use other sports' terminology like why did they call that a foul ball? Be sure to over complicate your questions just to make them stop and answer them.

4. Talk about the cheerleaders any time they do a close up. This will distract them and they will miss their chance to drool over them. Point out to them which ones are wearing false eyelashes, cake makeup, have had collagen injections and or breast implants. Then, just for added fun, talk about the exploitation of women. That might make him leave the room or just hand you the remote and give up.

5. If he asks for anything...a beer, nachos, whatever. Sigh really loud and say your back is killing you but no problem, you'll be right back. Bring him a beer without the bottle top removed - sit back down - and then make him ask you again to bring you a bottle opener. If he does, glare and ask him if his legs are broken. So much fun!!

6. Pronounce the players' names wrong - saying them sloooowwww and phonetically then ask what kind of name that is and start to question the origin or nationality of the player. Find someone you know with the same nationality and start telling a story about that person if you can. Just keep talking. And talking. And talking.

7. Over-cheer and overreact for every little thing - including things like a 2 yard gain, an incomplete pass or a yellow flag. You could even bark like a dog and do Arsenio Hall style arm movements and jump out of your seat. It will annoy them to no end - not to mention they won't be able to hear what the call was because you are being too loud. (Be careful though, this could cause them to rewind the play and add extra time onto the game).

8. Bring the kids' Nerf football into the family room. Insist he keep throwing it back to you. Wait until he's not watching and throw it toward his head and yell THINK FAST! Also, if you are indulging in popcorn or m&m's and the like - insist he open his mouth and try to catch a kernel of popcorn in his mouth. Anything you can do to keep annoying him - it's like the "I'm not touching you , I'm not touching you" game from grade school where you keep poking around their face. Yes, these are childish and immature - but greatly rewarding and entertaining.

9. Talk about the dangers of football during any and all injuries and say, "see, that's why I don't like football - it's just too dangerous and someone ends up getting hurt in every game." It's also fun to point out that they would never last five minutes in a game.

10. If he's in a Fantasy Football league, be sure to say "you shouldn't have played that guy, that's going to cost you.." or other unwanted, obvious bits of advice/information that he is already saying in his own mind.

In conclusion, I want to say this. I was born and raised in Canton, Ohio. Home of everything football. I grew up with Buckeye Fever, Cleveland Browns Heartache, and everything in the city revolving around football. My dad and brother never missed an NFL game on TV. I've been dealing with this for years. My husband loves the game, my kids love the game. I really don't mind it....but I have made a sport out of razzing these guys when they get too serious about the game.

If I'm being honest, I love the game, I love the lazy Sundays on the couch and I love the excuse to eat bad food and be part of America's favorite pastime (eating, being lazy, and watching tv).

Enjoy the game...until next time - Go New England Ravens! (kidding!)
~DG

I Think I Broke My Funny Bone...

2013-01-10T14:22:00.001-05:00

My Humerus, or is it Humorous...feels broken. Ok, that's an exaggeration. It feels sprained.

No seriously. For about a month now, I've had a muscle-strain-like pain in my arm. I'm convinced we need a new mattress because it is the side I sleep on, my left hand side. Something feels off. It hurts - and no, I'm not having a heart attack so please try to refrain from giving me unsolicited medical advice (though I do appreciate the thought). I'm not dying. But it does feel uncomfortable.

Ironically, I am feeling this funny bone sprain both figurative and literally.

I haven't felt funny in a long time. ( I know you are thinking no shit, your blog sucks !) I haven't laughed a good belly laugh in a long time. I haven't read anything that made me choke on my own spit and I certainly haven't laughed until my eyes or another part of me sprung a leak in wayy longer than I care to admit.

To a Laugh Lover, giggling is like an addiction. You crave, need, search for the next laugh to get you through the day. When you are a funny fanatic, without laughter you feel like a deflated balloon. Just soggy and blah. But when that balloon is blown up, it's colorful, brings joy to others, makes people smile just seeing it, and it flies freely, without effort on its good days.

Maybe it was the Newtown shooting that robbed me of my funny. Maybe it was the guilt that nothing should be funny while surrounded by so much pain and grief. Maybe it is the fact that so much of our world is in pain that overshadows the humor. Could it be because the freaking flu virus has attacked every single family I know in the past month? How about the fact that 2013 is already shaping up to be a real douchebag. I don't know. What I do know is, I don't want to feel guilty for needing to laugh. I don't want to apologize for trying to find the funny. I just need it to survive..it's like breathing an intoxicating kind of oxygen. Does that make sense? We just don't need air to breathe - we need it infused with energy, positivity and laughter. At least I do. Humor got me through so many ugly things in my 40 years that I use it as a crutch. So judge me if you want...go ahead.

I realize that I watch too much of the News. Then I get hypersensitive to what they are reporting on and add one more thing to my list entitled Things I Obsess About When I Should Be Doing Other Things. Take for instance, the newsanchor who got severely burned by grilling on her propane bbq. I started to think about all of the times that I grill in the winter - probably 4-5 times a week - and how I never realized this could happen. I literally obsessed over this news story for days. I thought - ok I need to have a plan in order in case this ever happens to me.

About a week later, I was getting dinner ready. I had marinated some chicken breasts in Greek dressing and decided to get the grill going and show that 20 degree New England weather that it wasn't going to stop me from making a delicious meal. As I threw the chicken on the grill, what I think happened was some of the marinade splashed on to the inner part of the grill and caused a mini-spark to fly up and hit me between the eyes. Me - being uber paranoid about grill fires decided immediately and instinctively that I, too, was on fire just like Hannah Storm (kind of like when Ralphie thought he shot his eye out the first time he used his Red Ryder BB Gun)...and decided to implement my pre-planned disaster drill to stop drop and roll in the garage. Quickly, I threw myself while screaming, on the ground and rolled on the dirty, dusty, garage floor. I am sure within seconds, the spark was out but I wasn't going to take any chances that I could end up much like my chicken, grilled with lines on my face. ((I also had this ridiculous fear resurface from the 80s of my highly flammable fluff-chick 80's satellite hair catching fire like Michael Jackson's did in the Pepsi commercial (again no laughing matter, right?? Or was it?)) When I pulled myself together and realized that I was ok, I ran into the house to find a burn forming right between my eyes, in the shape of what appeared to be the letter A. No joke. And if I hadn't waited so long to write about this, I would show you the Scarlet letter between my nearly charred eyebrows. A for Andrea. A for Awkward. A for Awesome. I'm thinking more like A for Asshole. (The next morning, when the burn really had time to settle, it was a clear, distinct letter A. A for Aesthetically Unpleasing). This made me almost laugh. It was more like a half of a chuckle. I thought well if this isn't blog material I don't know what is. But then I thought, No, not funny. Burns are not funny. So here is where I am doubting myself as a (air quotes) Humorist. With humor, does there always have to be a victim? Is there a way to misconstrue everything that is merely meant to bring a laugh. Could you be called out and criticized no matter what you write about? I don't ever want to over think my life that much.

I guess, in the end there are two ways to look at things...with a sense of humor - or without. I mean there is a right time and wrong time for jokes. I do know the difference. But I can't go for too long without the jokes. I don't want to live an existence of being too serious or taking every single thing to heart.

As I approach 40, and should be thinking about bringing Sexy Back - since it seriously went out along with my first placenta in the year 2000 and as far as I know is still lingering over Portsmouth Hospital's Maternity Ward, but instead, I need to bring Funny Back. When I can no longer find the funny, that's when I know I've given up and checked out of Humanity 101.

Join me?
~DG

Knock Knock...

2013-01-02T07:34:00.002-05:00

Hello.

Remember Me?

I'm "After the Holidays."

I'm the guy you promised all of those things to...should I refresh your memory?

After the holidays, I'll organize and give away the kids' clothes that don't fit.

After the holidays, I'll sort their toys.

After the holidays, I'm going to organize my closet like a pro.

After the holidays, I'll start putting some money away in savings.

After the holidays, I'm going to eat right.

After the holidays, I'm going to get to bed earlier.

After the holidays, I'm going to get on an exercise routine.

After the holidays, I'm going to start cleaning this house on a regular basis.

After the holidays, I'm going to watch less TV.

After the holidays, I'm going to unplug from social media more often.

After the holidays, I'm going to read more.

After the holidays, I'm going to calm down and regroup.

After the holidays, I'm going to cut back on shopping and spending.

Every time I think of all of the things that are knocking on my door after the holidays, I think of this scene from the Shining.

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

You Know.

You know who?

Exactly, You know who this is now open the door, it's after the holidays and I'm going to kick your ass.

Lovely. I am pretty sure I deserve it.

Are we READY? Let's do this.

Cheers and love - and here's a duster, some garbage bags and Windex...be careful not to shoot your eye out.
~DG

New Year's Eve - Take One.

2012-12-31T08:57:00.002-05:00

As my family vacation/visit in Ohio comes to a close and we pack our bags to head back to the frigid New England weather, I think about spending my New Year's Eve in airports and cringe. It's just another day..it's simply December 31st. Stop getting bent out of shape because your idea of spending the holiday toasting the New Year with friends and family didn't work out the way you pictured it. Why do we get so emotional with the holiday labels? If things don't go just as we hope or want on that particular day, why can't we look at it as just a date on the calendar? I exhale and remind myself, it's just another day and try to emotionally detach myself from the fact that I have to say goodbye to my family today until next time..and who knows when next time will be.

Last night we had the family over to celebrate my Yia Yia's 89th birthday. There's been some back and forth about whether today, the 31st is her birthday or yesterday, the 30th was her birthday. When I said to her "Yia Yia, is today your birthday or is it on New Year's Eve?" She said, "agapimou (my love), when you get to be my age, every day you wake up is your birthday..the date just doesn't matter...you just celebrate life every single day.." This one line was probably the most powerful thing I've heard all year long. Why would I want to wait until my 89th birthday to learn that lesson? Why would I let her words fly away? This is something I can give back to her for everything she's done for me - I can live each day, not starting at 89 but starting now at 40. Every day is a gift. Every date on the calendar is a number. If we get too wrapped up in the holiday, the date, the day we are 'supposed' to celebrate, maybe we're missing the point.

So I say - let's not look at today as the last day of December..the last day of 2012. Let's not look at tomorrow, January 1st as the day we begin our resolutions (again) and vow to make a change for the better, because what happens if we fail? Do we have to write 2013 off as another loss? Or can't every day this year be January 1st. Every day that we wake up, we can think of it as a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance. If we blow it today, let's promise each other to try again tomorrow. I will keep my Yia Yia's words in my head every day that I think I didn't do my best - and I owe it to her (and me) to try again tomorrow. Let's not get so serious about the date on the calendar, let's stop trying to have the Thomas Kincaide snowy Christmas Eve scene, the 'PERFECT' Christmas, the most glamorous New Year's, no blizzard on Valentine's Day so we're not snowed in, no rain on Easter for the Egg Hunt, no this no that...then we aren't setting up our days to fail and we aren't letting ourselves be in a position of disappointment over something totally out of our control. We are going to have canceled flights, sick kids, postponed parties, things we have to miss..that's just life. Every day we wake up is a gift. Every day is a holiday. Every day can be our birthday.

Those little thoughts that creep in, and try to poison the good ones? Evict them. Push them away and use the power of positive affirmations to stay strong. Choose kindness over resentment, choose love over hate, choose positivity over negativity...the more you do that, the easier it is.

When you look back at 2012 today in retrospect, find the good, remember the joy, keep your thoughts and memories light and simple...leave the bad and carry the joy you found this year in your heart into 2013. Our hearts can only be light if we let them..our minds can only be peaceful if we allow them.

This is the gift I will take from my Yia Yia. I don't want to wait until I'm nearing 90 to be grateful. It starts now - and some days will be a challenge...but I'm up for it...how about you?

Until next time, I wish you the happiest, healthiest, most joyous New Year, not just today, but every day this year.

Cheers and Love,
~DG

One Year of (Mostly) Blissful Blogging..

2012-12-19T07:55:00.004-05:00

Today is my one year Facebook Page-iversary, and one year of published blogging. Funny how time flies when you are writing....

After last Friday's events, I couldn't help but question why I do what I do. Do I continue doing what I'm doing? Why bother? A sense of helplessness and hopelessness took over this past weekend and I thought, I've done it a year - is it really that important in the scheme of things?

My answer.

Yes.

Most of you that have been with me forever know that one common thread through my blogging year is making the world a little smaller, a little less scary, a little happier, a little more positive. Just as I used my blog and Facebook page as a safe place to go and find the funny or the thought of the day, I know many of you came here for that, too. For that, I thank you. For that, I will continue to do what I do, albeit somewhat unimportant and silly but a necessity for my sanity.

Looking back over the past year, this is what I think about.

YOU.
It never ceases to amaze me that people read and enjoy my blog, my thoughts, my experiences. I love the fact that I have been able to reach out to people that I would have never met otherwise, and touched a cyberhand in some way. It's like imaginary friends coming to life. It's like opening my Laptop to find a group of people smiling and waving to me - it's like hearing applause every time I type. I am so grateful to you for your kindness, your 'ear' or more like your eyes that read, and your simulated shoulder I lean on every day to help me organize my thoughts, share my stories, and laugh with me too. Thank you. Those two words don't do my feelings justice.

YOU.

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
Some of the support that I have gotten on random not-so-good experiences this past year has floored me. Just taking two minutes out of your day to comment or send an email expressing a caring thought or kind word has meant more than you can know. Many of you have even trusted me to help you get your blog started. I will never be able to tell you how honored I feel that you called on me for help - so thank you. And for those of you who have written me thank you emails for helping you get through a tough day or rough patch - those letters are kept safe in a file folder for days when I question why I do what I do. Those letters have come to my rescue on the not-so-good days. So again, so much gratitude!

SHARING YOUR STORIES
Comments on blogs are like an easy drug, especially the good ones. When you open up and share your experiences and thoughts, and believe me when I tell you I read every single one of them, I am so happy. I may not comment on every single one, though I'd like to, but I read them and think about them, and appreciate them. I am sure I speak for others, too, when I say that they enjoy reading your comments and thoughts, too. I like to think of this blog as a safe place to share - and you, my readers, have never once that I can remember, shot anyone down for their way of thinking. Respectful, civil dialog is still possible in this world. Again, Thank You.

Thanks for not doing this. . . . lol!

THE FRIENDSHIPS
Where do I start on this? From BlogHer 2012 when I met some of the most wonderful people on the Internet in person, to Chicago's Blogger Weekend, to people that I haven't met in person that I feel I can call friends - I have been fortunate to grow my circle of friends through this blog. I love knowing that by putting myself out there, and trusting people with my blather, I have been repaid by the universe in long lasting, special friendships. In turn, I have also been able to share others' experiences - such as their long - awaited pregnancies, a year of being sober, fighting cancer, surviving a car accident, raising twins that were born too early, fighting domestic violence, etc. etc. I have become a more sympathetic, well - rounded person which each of these blogs that I read.

THE FUNNIES
The memes, the pics, the stories, the comics - - the ecards. Oh how they make me laugh to make them, to share them, to read the comments on them. That is my biggest joy - being able to spread belly laughs through the silliness of every day life. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

One of my all-time favorites.

I don't have a nanny - but I can so relate to this and it makes me laugh every time I see it.

What was I going to say about this one? I forgot.

THE MONEY
In the past year of blogging and running a group page, I have made $120. 52 weeks = $120. I'm no math major but I think that works out to be $10.00/month...33 cents a day. Who makes that kind of money these days? At this rate, by the time I am 90 years old, I can buy something really nice with my blog money. Ahh, thank goodness I don't do it for the money. If I got paid in laughs, which in my mind I do, I'd be one rich lady....and as far as the soul goes, I'm as rich as Rockefeller.

$100/year salary...yep, that sounds about right.

So for all of this, I thank you.

Cheers to another blissful year of blogging...
With Gratitude and Love..
~DG

'We Need a Little Christmas, Right This Very Minute.'

2012-12-18T07:50:00.001-05:00

Toast by Richard Jack.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Let your heart be light.

Have a cup of cheer.
          Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, Let nothing you dismay.

From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Pray for peace, people everywhere...Listen to what I say

All of these lyrics...from the most popular Christmas Carols that we hear over and over again during this season, have a different meaning this year, don't they? They've been around for years, we've been hearing them repeatedly, and yet this year, while wrapping gifts, decorating, and going through the motions, we stop and think. Let your heart be light.    How? How do we do that when the sadness weighs it down so much? How do we have a cup of cheer without the guilt, without thinking about the parents who can barely swallow anything but tears right now?   How?  We can't help but ask this question.

We need a little Christmas...right this very minute.   The magic of Christmas. The spirit of Christmas. The belief in Christmas miracles. Regardless of what your beliefs are, what religion you practice, what you celebrate, how you celebrate, we have one common denominator; we are human beings and we ARE responsible for our fellow man. We live on this Earth together. If only we worked together to make it a better place. The Christmas season has known to be the season of giving, the season of forgiving, the season of caring, sharing, and bearing the burdens of people who bear them alone all year long. We give to food pantries, so that no child is hungry for the holidays. We give to Toys For Tots so that every child has a gift waiting for them on Christmas morning. This year we need to give a gift to ourselves. A gift of hope, and a gift of knowing we can make a difference starting with each one of us. A gift to our children - a promise of a better world. We can live richer lives - we can treat each other with more respect - we can look out for our neighbors and friends - and what the hell - even strangers. We can make 2013 the year we came together, united to make a difference. It all starts with you...me..him..her. We all share the burden.

As far as Christmas goes, maybe this year the burden that we usually feel in the third week of December from the pressure of gift buying, wrapping, tree trimming, decorating, card mailing, baking, listmaking, doublechecking, elf moving, menu planning, stocking stuffing, last minute shopping, checkbook balancing and miracle working will be taken a little less seriously, with a little less complaining, and a re-focus on the simple things, joys, and peacefulness of the holidays.

If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or anticipate the coming of the Child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a desert to travel. A star to discover. And a being within ourselves to bring to life. ~Author Unknown

If you have to simplify this year, then do it. Take the things you love most about Christmas and keep them, focus on them, enjoy them. If it's watching the snow fall outside while sitting by the tree that brings you joy - then do it. If it's wrapping gifts while listening to carols - go for it. If you haven't been to church in years, and the heavenly sounds of a church choir fill your heart with warmth - then put it on your to -do list and do it. If it's immersing yourself in cookie baking and sharing the love, then bake away. All of these things nurture our souls and lift up our hearts a little...and who couldn't use that right now?

What heals a broken heart? My simple answers are love, kindness, warmth, compassion, giving to others, accepting what others have to give...and of course, time. The from-the-belly giggles that my kids release every morning they wake up and run down the stairs and see the tree certainly help it swell again, too. We have a choice - to spend Christmas frazzled, frantic and fearful...or spend it peaceful, content, grateful, hopeful and full of love. I choose to be peaceful - and I hope you do, too.

Until next time, I wish you green lights, blue skies, and an endless supply of love,
~DG