Underneath Websites

American Film Institute to Release List of 100 Greatest Movie Scenes Where You Can't Believe the Actress Got Naked

2008-02-26T00:40:00.000-08:00

Hollywood - The American Film Institute, or AFI, the organization responsible for such famed lists as 100 Greatest Movies of All Time and 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time, announced they will be releasing a list of 100 Greatest Movie Scenes Where You Can't Believe the Actress Got Naked, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "We're hoping to reach a lot of young male movie fans, who we all know like a little sex appeal thrown in with their cinema," said AFI Spokesman Randolph Presley. Mr. Presley added that the list was largely compiled based on the amount of surprise one would have if they asked their friend, who had just seen a movie, if such-and-such actress got naked, and the friend replied, "Yes." Full Story>>>

Report: Independent Filmmaker's Partner a Little Too Excited about Film Involving Bestiality

2008-02-26T00:38:00.000-08:00

Hollywood - After struggling to find a genre for their latest project, Bryan Mees' filmmaking partner, Jeff Bradley, suggested they make a film about a phenomenon most consider to be taboo, or off limits. The subject in question: bestiality. Mr. Bradley hasn't stopped talking about his suggestion since he brought it up two weeks ago, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "Just think how it would affect a family, if the patriarch enjoyed having sex with animals," Mr. Bradley started his pitch. "At first it seemed like an okay idea," Mr. Mees said. "Of course I assumed he was talking about a movie where the bestiality was only alluded to, not actually filmed." Full Story>>>

Ask Lindsay Lohan…

2008-02-26T00:31:00.001-08:00

Q: Why did you decide to do a nude photo shoot? Milton Jasper, Seguin, TX

A: Ever since Daddy got out of jail, he has been lurking outside my window trying to get what he calls, "the money shot." I'm like, "Daddy, seriously, please don't take any pictures of me naked." But that didn't deter him. Just giving him the money he needs wouldn't make him learn that he needs to be responsible for his own actions. Therefore I decided to go ahead and do a nude photo shoot with a reputable magazine. Now if Daddy manages to get a shot of me wearing nothing but a seductive grin he won't be able to get much cash for it. It may seem like a harsh thing to do, but someone in this family has to be responsible, and, sadly enough, I'm the one with the best judgment.

Sarcastic Movie Fan's Oscar Nominated Movie Reviews By Sarcastic Movie Fan

2008-02-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

There Will Be Blood - Man was that a boring movie. Afterwards I went back to the box office and declared, "There will be a refund." No Country for Old Men – I suppose it was good, but I liked it better when it was called: (Insert any Quentin Tarantino movie here.) Juno – I know it's just a movie, but you still need somewhat of a believable premise for me to enjoy it. The skinny kid from Superbad knocking up Ellen Page is anything but a believable premise. Michael Clayton – A disgruntled legal man fights a large and corrupt corporation whose practices have knowingly harmed the common man. Ah, excuse me, Mr. Clayton, John Grisham called, he wants the plot to every one of his books back. Full Story>>>

Paris Hilton Rekindles Love with Gay Porn Star

2008-02-26T00:27:00.000-08:00

Hollywood - Perhaps tired of dating only amateur pornographers, socialite Paris Hilton has once again began a romantic relationship with former gay porn star and MTV VJ Simon Rex, Underneath Hollywood has learned. Hollywood insiders suggest Ms. Hilton may be trying to garner a little publicity by the move. "She is used to making news by shocking people," said Entertainment Weekly Associate Editor Jane Greenleaf. "After a stint in jail and graphic sex tape, there's not much lower she can go. Dating a man with a history in gay pornography is unspeakably bad, even for Ms. Hilton." Others feel Ms. Hilton has increased her relevance to some of her biggest fans, gay men. "Even though Simon Rex never hit the mainstream, he has had some moderate success; enough success for the gay community to feel a sense of pride every time a modicum of good fortune comes his way. Gays have been with him since day one; they would like nothing more than to see him end up with a girl for whom they have great admiration. Much like Ms. Hilton, gays enjoy attention without having a strong desire to do any work to achieve it," opined the New Republic's entertainment reporter, Ryan Morgan.

Hillary Clinton Accuses Barack Obama of Stealing the Black President Angle from Her Husband

2008-02-23T00:17:00.001-08:00

Washington - Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, whose campaign has been slumping in recent weeks, has lashed out at rival Barack Obama for harping on the fact that he is half African-American, Underneath Politics has learned. "Senator Obama is using the same campaign strategy used by my husband," Mrs. Clinton said. "And when you look at their family histories, he's not much more of an African-American than Bill." Senator Obama, now the frontrunner for the Democratic Nomination, was also recently accused of plagiarizing friend, and Massachusetts Governor, Deval Patrick in a campaign speech. Full Story>>>

Report: Hillary Clinton Wondering "What the Hell is Up with this S**t"

2008-02-23T00:15:00.000-08:00

Washington - Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has reportedly been openly wondering what has happened to her candidacy after what seemed like an insurmountable lead turned into a situation where it is unlikely she will secure the Democratic nomination, Underneath Politics has learned. "What the f**k happened!" Mrs. Clinton can often be heard mumbling to herself, or asking those within ear shot, even low level staffers, who have no idea how to respond. "Mrs. Clinton is in a desperate situation," said Political Analyst said Dana Rosenthal. "She must win three key states to even have a chance at the nomination. Things quickly went south for her, and it's understandably making her a little crazy." Full Story>>>

Conservatives Have Already Lost the Election! By Martha Doolittle

2008-02-23T00:14:00.000-08:00

I bet you conservatives were worried about sitting on your couch on election night, crying in your beer after a devastating loss to either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Well now there is absolutely no reason for concern! For no matter what happens on election night you will be crying in your beer. According to you, the only three Presidential candidates remaining are liberal commies unworthy of the Oval Office. Yes, that includes the eventual Republican nominee, John McCain. I hope you have some good books to read during the next few months, because you don't have a single horse in this race. Full Story>>>

John Edwards Donates $78.82 of Own Money to Post-Candidacy Keg Party

2008-02-23T00:13:00.001-08:00

Chapel Hill, NC - Though his dream for the White House was dashed for the second time in four short years, former Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards has shown the townspeople that he has a good sense of humor by offering to ante-up nearly $80 of his own money to buy booze for a party hosted by one of his neighbors, Underneath Politics has learned. "I think he's depressed, otherwise he'd never show any interest in us," said Kenny Darland, a welder who lives in the trailer park across the street from the lavish Edwards estate. "But when he saw we were having a party he came right on over, which was fine with us." Shortly after arriving however, the trough of Keystone Light was down to five. "Someone mentioned we were running low, and Senator Edwards immediately pulled out a hundred and declared, 'I'll buy if someone else will fly.' He did insist on receiving change back as well as the receipt, which he spent a long time making sure matched, but it was still a very nice gesture."

Congress to Investigate the Tuck Rule

2008-02-23T00:11:00.000-08:00

Washington - After a Northern California Representative recalled getting "one or two" complaints "a few years ago," Congress has begun an investigation into a controversial NFL regulation known as the Tuck Rule, Underneath Politics has learned. "I don't know much about sports," said Congresswomen Lynn Woolsey, who is spearheading the investigation. "What I do know, however, is that both Congressman Henry Waxman and Senator Arlen Specter are getting gobs of publicity by dragging athletes, and those who work with athletes, in for questioning. I would like in on that, and investigating the rule which caused my office to get nearly a handful of complaints at one time or another is exactly how I plan on accomplishing my goal," she said before asking a staffer, who she remembered seeing wearing a Raiders jacket once, what the Tuck Rule is and which sport includes it in its book of statues.

Thirty-Eight Year Old Man Suffering from the Gout Gets a Hole in One

2008-02-10T18:34:00.001-08:00

Glendale, AZ - Bradford Carlisle became the fourth member of the Glendale based Royal Oaks Country Club to achieve a hole in one this year after eagling the par three seventeenth hole, Underneath Sports has learned. What made the achievement even more special is that Mr. Carlisle has been inflicted with an ailment known as the gout, a disease that primarily inflicts older persons. "The hole in one was the perfect topper to a perfect day," Mr. Carlisle said. "For my foot to be pain free, enabling me to play a full round of golf was a dream come true. To get a hole in one was just icing on the cake." Full Story>>>

Tom Brady Blames Super Bowl Loss on Kid He's Never Met

2008-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA - Hours after losing Super Bowl XLII in heartbreaking fashion to the New York Giants, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was on the phone with his ex-lover, actress Bridgette Moynihan, complaining about the child the former couple has together, a child Mr. Brady has never officially met, Underneath Sports has learned. "I can't take this anymore," Mr. Brady said to Ms. Moynihan after the game. "Is he or she eating properly, how much is the finest pre-school in the area in which he or she lives going to cost me, and will he or she be taught the values in which I strongly believe?" Many in the media, in addition to Mr. Brady's own personal quarterbacks coach, believe an ankle injury contributed to the star's poor Super Bowl performance. Full Story>>>

Ask Dennis Miller…

2008-02-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

Q: Which five teams top your NBA Power Rankings? Stephen G. Maxwell, Barstow, CA

A: 1. New Orleans Hornets – I'm more surprised to find the Hornets atop the power rankings than I was to find Juno on the list of Best Picture nominees. 2. Boston Celtics – A lot of people believe the Celtics will win the NBA Title this year. Then again, a lot of people believe the Coriolis Effect has something to do with which direction water drains down their toilet. 3. Dallas Mavericks – The Mavs are the greatest thing to come to Dallas since Robert S. Munger built his Munger Improved Cotton Machine Company in Deep Ellum. 4. Phoenix Suns – The trade for Shaq was a worse move than that which caused Garry Kasparov to lose Game two of his four game match against X3D Fritz. 5. Detroit Pistons – Though they have a great team, if I were the people of Detroit I'd be more ashamed of Isiah Thomas than I was of the fact that the city was founded by a Frenchman.

You Don't See A Lot of Good #30's Anymore By Raul Dinwiddie

2008-02-10T18:29:00.000-08:00

As I was watching highlights of Kansas State's victory over rival Kansas, I couldn't help but notice how strong Wildcats super-frosh Michael Beasley looked. Then I noticed he wore number 30. I tried to think of other great number 30's, but couldn't. Now I keep up with a lot of sports, so if there were a talented number 30 in any American league, I would know about him. I had to look it up, but found out that New Jersey Devils all-star goalie Martin Brodeur wears the number. He's great and all, but unless you live in Canada or New Jersey, you probably couldn't tell me which number Martin Brodeur wore. Full Story>>>

Gisele Bundchen Reminds Tom Brady that He's Champion of Her Heart

2008-02-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA - Shortly after the Patriots heartbreaking defeat to the New York Giants, the supermodel girlfriend of quarterback Tom Brady reminded her man that, despite his poor performance, she remains hopelessly devoted to him, Underneath Sports has learned. "As soon as she saw him after the game, she let him know how special he was to her," a source close to the couple said. "Then she reminded him that Valentine's Day was coming up soon and she would make him forget all about the horrific loss he just suffered." Though Mr. Brady didn't seem too enthusiastic about the proposal, he has reportedly begun warming up to the idea of a romantic evening with Gisele.

Man Doesn't Enjoy Great Porn Video With Actor Who Looks Too Much Like Guy He Used to Work With

2008-01-27T20:54:00.000-08:00

North Hollywood - What should have been an arousing 3 minutes and 41 seconds, was ruined for an area man because the star of the pornographic video he was watching looked a lot like a guy he used to work with, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "He was an Italian guy who worked in the IT Department," said Jeremiah Harrison. "He was your typical IT jerk, giving you attitude with the knowledge that you couldn't do your job without his expertise. Jackass." Though the adult actor seemed much nicer than his former coworker, Mr. Harrison could not keep his thoughts away from previous run-ins with the man. "The time he admonished me in front of my entire department for forgetting my password after returning from a two-week vacation was especially difficult," he said. Full Story>>>

Pool Boy's Tragic Death Prevents Baldwin Brother from Getting Laid

2008-01-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

Hollywood - The untimely death of Hollywood pool boy Stan Ellis meant an unkempt pool at the home of actor Daniel Baldwin, which prevented him from making love to a woman who he met at the Hard Rock Café earlier that night, Underneath Hollywood has learned. Struggling actress/waitress Monica Shelly, who uses skinny dipping as way to get in the mood, wouldn't step foot into the pool that was supposed to be cleaned on Monday, but instead had accumulated a large quantity of leaves, algae, cigarette butts and body hair from various Baldwin brothers. "F*ck, I forgot that guy died," a befuddled Daniel Baldwin said as the look on Ms. Shelly's face after the pool light went on revealed her disgust. Full Story>>>

Ask Pax Jolie-Pitt…

2008-01-27T20:52:00.001-08:00

Q: What's it like being adopted into such a high profile celebrity family? Kyle Wilcox, Barstow, CA

A: It's been quite an up and down first three years for me. First I was named after a television station that nobody watches and then I get adopted by a Hollywood power couple! Hey-O! My Mom just flew me over from Vietnam and boy are her arms tired! But seriously... See, I don't want to just ride the coattails of my famous parents; I want to make my own mark with comedy. What better comedic character than a Vietnamese orphan adopted by a Hollywood Starlet with a bunch of other foreign children and a movie star husband. How many children of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one; as long as the directions are written in English, Khmer, Vietnamese or Amharic! Scrabble games will be fun at our house... "'KNenyükr' is too a word, it means 'accountant'!" Of course I'm joking; like Brad Pitt would ever play scrabble! Good move, Brad, adopting a bunch of Asian kids. Pretty soon I'm going to know what it's like for the Bush twins to sit down to dinner with their father. Zing! I'll be here all week! Try the Goi Cuon! Mmmmmmmmm; that's good Banh Mi.

Self-Gratification Really Helped Me Through that Break Up By Nick Lachey

2008-01-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

People always want to know what it was like being dumped by Jessica Simpson. How did you get through it, they ask. It must have been torture, they guess. Was it difficult? Yes. What helped you get through it? Masturbation. Seriously. When you're married you are constantly with people. Your alone time is actually time spent with your wife. Even during showers I wasn't alone. And can you imagine the look on Jessica's face had she walked in on me while I was pleasuring myself. Yeah, it sounds erotic on the surface; the thought of her being disgusted with my act at first, then a huge smile coming over her face before deciding to jump in the shower to help me out. But trust me, in reality; I would have been paying the price for months. Full Story>>>

Best Simpsons Episode Ever Bar Brawl Kills Two

2008-01-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

Shawnee, OK – A debate over which Simpsons episode is the best in the history of the long running popular animated Fox series has left two people dead and four others injured, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "In my 20-years on the force I have never seen such carnage from a debate regarding the best episode of a comedy series," said Shawnee Police Chief Karl Powers. "Usually those kinds of discussions end with a pat on the back and someone saying, 'Agree to disagree.'" Frank Smith was pronounced dead from massive head trauma at Shawnee General Hospital at 2:58 a.m. and his cousin Larry Alexander passed two hours later of undetermined injuries. Eyewitnesses say the argument began when Mr. Smith insisted The Simpsons peaked as early as the first episode in season three, during a show in which Michael Jackson provided an uncredited special guest voice. The still-at-large suspects countered that the show didn't peak until season seven's, King-Size Homer. "It's sick that a debate over comedy could have such tragic consequences," Chief Powers said, adding that there is a monetary reward for information leading to the arrest of the suspects.

Report: Waiters Afraid to Recommend Fried Chicken to African-American Patrons

2008-01-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Lexington, KY - Michelle Mantooth, a veteran server with over twenty-years of experience at five different area restaurants, loves working at her current establishment because of the wonderful fried chicken they prepare. Unfortunately she only feels comfortable recommending the dish to non-African-American customers, Underneath Politics has learned. "I saw on the news that a football owner got criticized for saying (African-American Quarterback) Michael Vick might gain weight in prison from eating fatty foods in excess. One example he used was fried chicken," Ms. Mantooth said. "To me there was nothing racist in his comment, yet he was still admonished by some in the media. If one customer complains to my manager that I'm a racist, I'm as good as gone." It's always tricky when an African-American customer asks for her opinion of the fried chicken. Full Story>>>

Producers of Medical Dramas Rally Against Universal Healthcare

2008-01-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

Hollywood – Producers of hit television programs such as Grey's Anatomy and ER are surprisingly lashing out against the Democratic Presidential candidates who are openly calling for universal health care, Underneath Politics has learned. "It's shocking that Hollywood types would unite against a group of Democrats, but with the talk of bringing universal health care to America, they felt they couldn't afford to stand on the sidelines," said entertainment reporter Jeanie McReynolds. While not willing to speak publicly regarding the matter, perhaps in fear of retribution from other Hollywood leftists, reports indicate the producers fear offering health care to the masses would ruin their well-established shows. Full Story>>>

Christian Conservative Opinion: Let's Legalize Everything

2008-01-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

Drugs can kill you; that's why they're illegal. I'm all for the government staying out of our business, but I'm not a libertarian who believes it serves no purpose at all. Keeping kids off drugs is something the government is perfect for. Sure it's the government, so they're going to screw up more than they get right, but the War on Drugs is something I don't mind my tax dollars paying for. But some in America want to legalize drugs. If that's their stance, why don't they want to legalize everything? What about murder? Shouldn't we keep the government out of the killin' business? We don't want those fat cats in Washington deciding who we can pump full of lead! Full Story>>>

Uninformed Woman Puts Ad in "Missed Connections" Section of Craigslist Aimed at President Bush

2008-01-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

Washington - A woman who admittedly knows nothing about politics thought she made a connection with President George W. Bush as his motorcade sped down the street, Underneath Politics has learned. "You'll probably never see this and I barely got a glimpse of you, but you were SO cute," the ad began. "You must be important because you had your own motorcade. Are you some sort of diplomat? I think our eyes met for a split second when you rolled down the window to spit out a sunflower seed. I was the blonde wearing the tight green sweatshirt. Some people say I look like Carrie Underwood, but I really don't think so," the ad continued. "Anyway, if you want to hook up, please respond and maybe we could get a coffee. Even though I lost sight of you in an instant I nearly fell in love with your half-smirk, half-squint look. It's a look that let everyone know you don't give a flip what they think. Looking forward to hearing from you!" So far the woman has received 2,221 responses, none from the President.

Primary Voters Don't Understand How Primaries Work

2008-01-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

Columbia, SC - As those on the left prepare to vote for their favorite candidate to represent the Democratic Party in the 2008 Presidential Election, most South Carolinians struggle to understand the primary process, Underneath Politics has learned. "Well, I'll be voting for a group of delegates who will represent the candidate I vote for," a confused Phoebe Greenwald guessed. "That is, if the candidate I vote for gets over 50% of the vote. If no one gets 50% of the vote the delegates are split in accordance with how much of the vote they received," she continued, becoming more and more unsure of herself as she spoke. Jackson Latrobe was even further away from the truth with his guess. "If Hillary Clinton wins she gets to take her own delegates on a bus from Arkansas or New York, wherever she goes to the convention from. They campaign along the way, in what is akin to a whistle-stop tour. Then, when they all get to the Democratic Convention, which I believe is always held in Chicago, Hillary Clinton tries to convince Barak Obama's delegates to try and switch sides, and vice-versa. Whoever has the most delegates when the convention is shown on television, wins," he contended.