Those Nerf guns I was just referring to? Yeah. Three boys six under plus one grown man and I now wake up *daily* to rapid styrofoam gun fire and giggles of "RETREAT! FULL RETREAT!" And that's just my husband. I should have bought one to defend myself apparently. Gift giving FAIL #1.

Also bad would be -ahem- Santa's stocking stuffer book of 400+ Chuck Norris facts. Who would have known that a man who never reads for pleasure would have that sonuvabitch read and memorized in 20 minutes flat. AND! have found a got-damn iPhone app that seems to have a never-ending database of MORE! Chuck Norris facts. If I have to hear one more eyerolling fact about that man, I might have to roundhouse kick the bastard myself. So someone could write a book about me. Gift giving FAIL #2.

As it turns out, the gift that takes the most effort to put together (in the freezing cold until 2 am, I might add) will be the one gift the kids really could care less about. I'm looking at you, basketball hoop. TWO IN THE MORNING, people. TWO! Then we tied a string to the basketball, attached a note that said to follow it, ran it outside to the awaiting hoop only to have the boys say, "Yeah. It's cold out here. Can we go in now and open our other presents?" Gift giving FAIL #3.

The guinea pig the 6 year old HAD! TO! HAVE! is now my responsibility.

"Want to hold it?"  
"No."
"What if I hold it and you pet it?"
"OK..."
Touches finger to fur for precisely one second and runs off to play with aforementioned Nerf gun.

This is why god invented Zhu-Zhu pets. Gift giving FAIL #4.

The Nintendo DSi's you knew your kids would L-O-V-E? They did. But you love them more and keep stealing it away from them to "help them get through this tough level" and pretty soon the battery is drained, four hours have past and you're not sure what day it is and/or why you didn't get one for yourself. OH THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ADULT. WITH OTHER THINGS TO DO. LIKE LAUNDRY. Gift giving FAIL #5.

Waiting until December 23rd to ship *light-weight* packages from California to Florida or Georgia overnight will cost you $86 and not be guaranteed. So when you regain consciousness, you opt for ground shipping and shoot off an email to your family members on the East Coast trying to convince them that Christmas will come TWICE! this year. [Yeaaah. Sorry 'bout that.]

*sigh*

Among the many gift giving FAILS (all my fault, I admit) were the super fun family gatherings over good food, storytelling and those certain family members you wish you could vote off the island. Oh wait, life is not 'Survivor' is it? Fine then. That branch of the family tree you wish you could saw off. There's a reason why "Christmas Vacation" is such a popular movie, folks. It's because every family can relate. Ahhh, but it wouldn't be Christmas without them, now would it Sparky?

But I digress.

If I learned anything from this past Christmas it's to be more organized next year. (Hello, New Year's Resolution #1!) Oh, and to bring a chainsaw to Christmas dinner.

 

This of course, was the winner. How sweet, right? Yeah well, here's the two photos shot right after the oh-so-adorable photo: 

 

and

 

If I were all about showing it like it is (and normally, I am - but on a holiday card, I like to fake it a little bit) I'd have just sent the one with the punch. But then again, it wouldn't have gone with the "Peace and Love" card I chose from Tiny Prints...

And so it goes.

From my house to yours, wishing you the happiest of holidays...

 

~Megan & family 

You will have to pardon my cynicism as I recall the Christmas Tree debacle of 2006 when we lost damn near every nostalgic ornament we’ve ever collected in The Great Fall. Ahem. The Great Falls.And while there’s nothing like seeing my kids’ faces on Christmas morning, there’s also nothing like that last minute who-did-I-forget? panic shopping, endless wrapping of odd shaped objects that just don’t tape up nicely and all those optimistically cheerful holiday activities that can only end in tears and sugar-high crashes, all leading up to That Big Day.

(I won’t even mention the aftermath of the oh-so-sweet-kids-reactions on Christmas morning that involves about four million gray twisty wirey things [and screws! SCREWS!] that hold toys hostage in their boxes and the amount of wrapping paper that was honestly just. put. on. which now lies like ash in a small nuclear explosion of gifts in your living room. Won’t even mention it. Nope.)

Of course the Christmas tree always seems like a great idea. Before you go and get it. They smell nice, the look so pretty in the corner of the room (for like two minutes) and are symbolic of all that is Christmas. But us parents? We know the truth. It’s one of those moments we’re required to capture on camera and smack into a scrapbook so that years from now when the kids are gone, we’ll look back on it and laugh/smile/recall how much fun it was even though really – shhhh! – if time weren’t such a forgetful (and obviously forgiving) sonuvabitch, we would call it like it was: pure chaos and a test of our patience.

My kids are now fighting over the ornaments. Noooo! I want to hang that one! And the bottom branches are weighted down by 90 percent of the ornaments we still have left own while the top of the tree remains vacant and looking oddly naked. One child places an ornament and then another kid moves it. Moooooooom! He moved my ornament! And really, at this point in the merriment, I’m wondering why they don’t just hand you your tree at Home Depot with a complimentary bottle of anything containing alcohol – vodka, rum, Nyquil – and say kindly, “Trust me, you’re going to need this.”

But like every other parent, the photos I take will only reflect the happier moments so when I do print them and slap them in their scrapbooks, we can look back on this moment fondly. Because that’s what we parents do. It’s nature way of ensuring we still love our kids at the end of every day… no matter how frustrating or trying that day was… we can’t help but love them for driving us nuts.

Even when they’ve just managed to ruin a $45 Christmas tree in ten minutes.

But I'm telling you, all I'm missing is the Gi because this girl? can punch.

Since we don't have a punching bag at home, I've been using the next best thing, my husband, to test out my new moves. He's so real and human-like, it's really even better than an ol' punching bag that doesn't exactly suck in air to let you know you've thrown a good one. Plus, on my husband, I know *right* where the groin area should be, because... it's... actually... there.

The other morning, Candy Dumb Ass tells me my 'stance' is all wrong. That I need to lean into it a bit more when I throw my jab and then I should swing with my right - where all my power is. So I do. And he instantly regrets it.

Welcome to the gun show, bitches.

Last night, when coming to bed, Candy Ass was already snuggled in comfortably (and naked, I should add) when he caught me off-guard by grabbing me ("playfully" he says) to attempt a rear naked choke. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in my defense, I would just like to point out that there was no way of me knowing for certain that he was just playing so, you know - fight or flight (and I hate flying) - I went right ahead and executed the moves I've my boys have been taught.

It turned into an all-out UFC fight, right there on the bed. The only thing we were missing was Bruce Buffer announcing us and Joe Rogan and Mike Goldman commentating. 

I was nice enough to remind Candy Ass to protect his chin (so I could have a straight shot to the sternum) although he struck back with some totally unwarranted (and unsanctioned, I'm pretty damn certain) um, views? when attempting to swing his leg over to get my back.

I'd like to tell you I won the bout with an awesome rear naked choke or even an arm bar, but the truth is, it was more of a TKO when *someone's* balls got squished amidst *someone* trying to get her -ahem- their hooks in. That right there, folks, is why the fighters wear athletic cups. I think Candy Ass would give you an "Amen!" if he could talk. But he's still keeled over on the side of the bed.

I think it's only natural that I join MMA for myself now, you know, to fine-tune my God given talents. Surprisingly, Candy Ass is all for it. As long as we buy a punching bag.

Honestly, I don't know if I need to write anymore than that to pretty much sum up what a weird wacky morning it was at Holy Christian Loves Jesus Praise the Lord Preschool (HCLJPLP) where we ignored the idea of a Christmas party (god forbid you mention S-A-N-T-A who allegedly is not mentioned in the bible and therefore SINFUL!) and went ahead and threw sweet baby Jesus a birthday party.

A *birthday* party.

Like with birthday party hats. That I had to go run out and buy before the big HOORAH! because the teacher didn't have enough for all the students. And with cupcakes... not with green and red frosting but with colorful balloons! and confetti! and

HOW DID WE END UP HERE?

There were arts and crafts (SO MANY! ARTS AND CRAFTS!) and sticky hands and kids high on sugar running amok and holy hell if I have to assemble one more got-damn nativity scene out of stickers I might accidentally have a passing knowledge of the story of the birth of Geez-us.

Jesus.

But I survived. I showed restraint. I refrained from tweeting. During the party, at least. And the kids enjoyed themselves. Which, good... although I worry they're being converted into holy rollers. That was until we opened the door to leave and my 5 year old looks up at me with all 1,000 of his arts and crafts to bring home falling out of his arms and says, "What are we going to do with all this shit?"

*dies*

*of pride*

*and a little embarrassment*

*but mostly pride* 

But I don't have to tell you that... you can see it for yourselves:

Love for Anissa! from Undomestic Diva on Vimeo.

[To view larger, click here.]

~Megan

Which, I must say, I am just BLOWN AWAY by the response. More than 120 photos were submitted (I'm still adding some stragglers) and trying to get them all compiled into the video slideshow set to heart-wrenching music from Glee. I can't wait to get it to her and to share it with all of you.

But if you're anything like me, you're also overwhelmed right now with copious amounts of To Do's, including last! minute! Christmas! shopping! So I've done you a solid and compiled a list the most GLORIOUS gift giving ideas you've ever seen.

(And you're welcome.)

From Urban Outfitters:

- Polaroid Notes $14.95

- Get the Hint Stickies: $6.00

 

- Astronaut Ice Cream $6.00

- Bacon Flavored Floss $6.00

- Road Rage Shticks $16.00:

 
[As seen being used here.]
 
- The Where's Waldo Complete Collection $45.00

- If I'm Lost... Flask $18.00

- WTF Snowglobe $12.00:

 

- How to be Inappropriate (book) $14.95

- The Big Ass Book of Crafts $19.95

- How to Locate a Stud and Drill It (book) $12.95

From Think Geek:

- Horror Movie Shower Curtain and Bath Mat $14.99:

 

- Illuminated Jet Bib Feeding System $19.99 (lights up):

From Uncommon Goods:

- Nestling Bird Necklaces $70 - $79

- Baby Clothes Quilt Kit $28

- Ninja Umbrella $28

- His and Hers Key Holders $25:

 

- Set of 6 Luggage Tags $10:

 

- Leaning Man Bookends $34

And you KNOW I couldn't resist adding one of my most prized possessions to the list:

- THE 'Fo Shizzle Welcome to our Hizzle Welcome Mat $19.95 from What On Earth

Happy shopping!

But there IS something you can do. And it costs nothing but a few minutes of your time and has the potential to make a huge impact.

After reading Peter's latest post about Anissa where he talks about showing her videos of the kids, of her family, of her friends and how it's helping Anissa, Adrienne came up with an amazing idea... putting together a slideshow of photographs of bloggers for Anissa.

You don't have to know or have met Anissa personally; just have heard her story and wanted to help somehow. And this is how you can.  

Here's how it works...

1. Take a high-quality photo of yourself holding a sign with a simple message for Anissa like "Sending you love" or "Keep fighting" or whatever you want to say. And yes, if you'd like to send her a cleavage shot (which she would very much enjoy) go for it.

2. Email it to me in jpeg format at: foranissa(at)gmail(com) with your name and blog URL.

3. Tweet and/or post about this to spread the word. We'd like to see HUNDREDS of bloggers representing for Anissa. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE pass on the word.

The deadline to submit your photo is Sunday, December 13th.
*Pictures only - no videos, please.

I will put all submissions into a video slideshow set to Glee's "Don't Stop Believin'" (music Peter has said Anissa is responding to) and overnight it to Peter for Anissa. We will also share the video with everyone as soon as it's done.

Let's continue to fight for Anissa.

~Megan 

Lucky number 113 which is...

Congrats to PsychMamma on winning the Starbucks gift pack!

:::

He doesn't want to give up this bag of Starbuck awesomeness. Who would? But for you, he's going to.

I am giving away a bag full of delight - I mean - Starbucks goodies including:

 
A ceramic Starbucks mug with a half-pound of Christmas Blend coffee

 
A Via travel case (fully loaded, of course)

A six-flavored coffee sampler set 

 
A reusable travel tumbler

 
Along with TWO holiday CDs: Making Merry and LOVE*

 
in this nifty felt bag...

All you have to do to be entered to win is in the comments section of this post, tell me what you want for Christmas. You can enter as many times as you want, each comment = one entry. Winner will be selected at random. Contest runs now through Sunday, December 6, 2009 ending at 8:00 PM Pacific Time.  

Good luck!

:::

*Making Merry CD includes: Willie Nelson w/ Norah Jones, Peggy Lee, Bing Crosby, Barbra Streisand, Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass, Dean Martin, The Beach Boys, Bobby Helms, Doris Day, Harry Belafonte, Julie London and Richard Hawley. LOVE CD includes: Playing for Change, U2, Dave Matthews Band and John Legend and is a (RED) Product.

The yelling escalates. Candy Ass and I open their bedroom door and ask what's going on. That's when the 5 year old, red-faced and pissed, screams that the 3 year old "is a shit piece."

A say wha? Shit piece? Come again?

Candy Ass and I pivoted 180 degrees, face the wall, use our fingers to forcibly remove the smiles from our faces and wipe the tears of laughter from our cheeks and then calmly swivel back around to parent.

"What did I tell you?" asks Candy Ass. "If you can't cuss correctly, then you can't do it all."

That's when I step in to parent properly. I gently remind him, "It's 'piece of shit,' not 'a shit piece,' OK?"

Parenting workshops coming to a town near you.