Unexpectedly Bart!

How about "The Near Book of Big Death Experiences"? No, that's not it...

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:55:00 +0000

Having written more than my share of "big books", I look fondly at fellow entrants in the field. This title looks like the penultimate word on the subject:

Gotta love the marketing appeal of a near-dead person's soles!

Our Apologies for Remaining in Business

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:27:00 +0000

Austin, Texas, from L. Marie over here.

I Regret That I Am Unable to [insert whatever you were asking for here]

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:27:00 +0000

Edmund Wilson (1895-1972) was a famous writer. In fact, he was so famous, he apparently got asked to do a LOT of things. For free. (The nerve!)

To save time, Wilson came up with this all-purpose form rejection letter:

Let's see if I can appropriate that last line:

Bart King regrets that it is impossible for him, under any circumstances to receive unknown persons who have no apparent business with him.

THAT should keep those little scamps off my doorstep next Halloween!

Letter from here.

The Importance of Politeness in a Bank Robbery Note

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:47:00 +0000

From here. Ooh, and the robbery was unsuccessful. (I guess nice guys DO finish last... and then they get arrested!)

Man, 1986 Never Seemed So Far Away

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:54:00 +0000

But they really ARE disturbing others, aren't they?

(From this book here.)

Zombie Romances: The Book?

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:54:00 +0000

I admire the moxie of this book, though you may wonder, "Has the time come for an anthology of zombie romance?"

According to Lori Perkins, editor of Hungry for Your Love, "The zombie mythos is the perfect metaphor for the end of an era, for a society beset with change it doesn't understand but knows is here."

Hmm. What about "This is a great way to capitalize on a cross-genre literary craze." (I do like the idea of recruiting romance writers to pen zombie stories, though. It's almost as good as having economists write poetry!)

What Would Happen If You Dressed Your Dog Up as the Velveteen Rabbit?

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:14:00 +0000

This.

(From a New Yorker contest where people dress their pets up as literary characters.)

Your eyes glow like naked livers burning in the sun.

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:48:00 +0000

What a rip-off! I went to the Surrealist Compliment Generator and I got this:

Troglodyte kidneys measure sardonic spasms not unlike the movements of an albatross buried in creosote.

That's not even a compliment!

Quintuple Vowels, Okay. The Letter 'G'? Not So Much.

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:13:00 +0000

The Associated Press Stylebook is the go-to reference for journalists questioning grammar. The Fake AP Stylebook is a Twitter service that mocks it very, very well. Examples follow:

—“Avoid using the letter ‘G’ as it is unlucky.”

—“Precede basic statements of fact with ‘allegedly’ to avoid accusations of bias: ‘the allegedly wet water,’ ‘the allegedly poisonous poison.’”

—“Use the quintuple vowel to transcribe the utterances of small children, ‘Daaaaaddy, I waaaant a Pooooony!’”

—“If you do not have an interviewees’ full title, use their most defining physical trait (e.g. ‘Alan Hayes, fat guy, said…’)”

—“The numbers one through ten should be spelled out while numbers greater than ten are products of the Illuminati and should be avoided.”

That Guy Is SUSPICIOUS

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:35:00 +0000

Recently, I was inside a coffee shop (yes, it was a Starbucks), when I noticed this gentleman out on the sidewalk.

He was looking about as suspicious as a person could. Shifty? Check. Surreptitious movements? Oh yeah. Non-fat latte? This guy is up to something!

He was constantly looking over his shoulder and monkeying with a baggy.

And then... oh my gosh, he's smoking it right there on the street! Is it crack? Sinsemilla? African yohimbe bark?

Wait a minute—

That's a meerschaum pipe! My dad used to smoke one of those... of course, he used tobacco...

Ah, but why was he looking around? It turned out that he was just waiting to meet someone. (Heheh, ouch.)

Computopia Does Not Allow Incorrectness

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:05:00 +0000

In 1969, a Japanese magazine called Shonen Sunday published an illustrated feature about what the future would look like when computers assisted with everything.

It would be a Computopia!

Here, we see how robots deal with classroom troublemakers... though based on the picture, the kid's main offense seems to be having the wrong answer on his Computopia screen. Maybe the kid in front of him tried to help:

"Psst, the answer is '75000'!'

"Huh?"

"Look out!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

More pictures from the article over here.

Touched by an Anvil

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:04:00 +0000

Researching The Pocket Guide to Brilliance, I learned that the sport of "anvil shooting" dated back to the Revolutionary War. American soldiers had started the tradition of firing guns in the air during July 4th celebrations, and next thing you knew, they got more ambitious. After all, why shoot a gun when you could launch an anvil?

Doing so is simplicity itself. First, get one large anvil.

Then, get another large anvil.

Finally, obtain a lot of high-grade gunpowder. Take your items to an open field. Place one anvil upside down. Fill its opening (anvils have cavities on the bottom) with gunpowder. Run a fuse out of there and put the second anvil on top of the first one.

Light the fuse! Enjoy the subsequent explosion and be sure to keep your eyes on the top anvil. If you followed directions, it should be somersaulting up over 200 feet in the air! The most important part of the game is making sure you don’t get touched by an anvil on its descent.

Now, pay attention as world champion anvil launcher Gay Wilkinson struts his stuff!

This May Not Be the Bookstore You Were Looking For

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:32:00 +0000

(The WFHBS is a real business... it has no website, but apparently does sell textbooks.)

Mugged in London: A Morality Play

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 19:20:00 +0000

Prologue: One of my relatives (“Timmy”) recently got an alarming IM from his aunt (“Aunt”) while on Facebook. The conversation went a little something like this:

Aunt: Hello Timmy… Are you there? Please come online.

Timmy: Hi.

Aunt: I’m not too good.

Timmy: What's wrong?

Aunt: Are you aware I’m in London right now?

Timmy: No...

Aunt: I’m stuck in London. I was mugged at a gun point last night. All my cash, credit cards, and my cell was stolen off me.

Timmy: Oh my God.

Aunt: It was scary, I’m just happy i was not hurt.

Timmy: I'm sorry to hear that. I actually escaped a mugging in London once. I'm glad you're not hurt too.

Aunt: I thank God am still alive and am still with my passport. OMG.

Timmy: What do you need me to do?

Aunt: I need you to help me with some money to settle my hotel bills and also get a cab to the airport... I will def refund it back to you as soon as i get back home.

Timmy: I really wish I could, but my account is literally empty and I don't get paid til Saturday.

Aunt: OMG.

Timmy: Can I call someone for you?

Aunt: You can wire it to me online here with your credit card www.westernunion.com. All you need is my name and location. I promise to pay back tomorrow.

Timmy: I really have no money at all, aside from $6 in my wallet. No joke. Would you like me to call someone for you?

Aunt: I’m freaked out.

Timmy: Don't freak out, it's going to be ok.

Aunt: Ok. My friend… I only need $300. I promise to pay you back tomorrow.

Timmy: Should I call your husband?

Aunt: He’s with me.

Timmy: Yikes.

Aunt: How much can you help me with at the moment?

Timmy: I literally have six dollars.

Aunt: What about your credit card?

Timmy: Don't have one.

Aunt: OMG. I have no phone. Am freaked out. At this moment you are the only one online.

Timmy: If this is really my aunt, then what are the names of your mother and father in law?

Aunt: What is all this? If is not me you can not send money on my name.

Timmy: For all I know the same people who mugged you have your ID, and are using your Facebook account. Please answer the question.

Aunt: Will you help me if i should answer it?

Timmy: Yes, if you tell me the names of your mother and father-in-law.

Aunt: How much will you help me with?

Timmy: Just answer the question.

Aunt: How much? Promise.

Timmy: As I said, I don't have any money.

Aunt: Then no question. Bye.

Timmy: Please stop using my aunt's account for your hoax. Not cool at all.

— Aunt is offline.

Epilogue: The subtext to this dialogue is fascinating. We can sense that the good-hearted nephew is increasingly suspicious that the oldest fraud in the book (the infamous “Mugged Aunt in London Facebook IM Scam”) is being perpetrated on him. But is he actually wary to the crime earlier when he makes his outrageous claims about lacking a credit card and possessing just a few bills in his wallet? As for the scam artist, the Facebook police force (working with Interpol) have narrowed their suspects down to a Cockney cutpurse, a Nigerian prince, or Grammy nominee Lemmy Kilmeister.

And finally, I learned some valuable lessons from this.

1.) Never access personal pages from a public computer.

2.) Change my password frequently.

3.) Subsequent to being mugged, IMing relatives to ask for financial help is apparently not a particularly viable option.

Danse Gooshers Sind Super Toll!

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:35:00 +0000

I'm not sure how they got Ray Bradbury to host this German kids' program, but the results are wunderbar.

I Should Have This Imprinted on My Titles!

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:32:00 +0000

Dan Brown's Got Nothing on Me

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:15:00 +0000

What if someone sampled everything you’ve written and found your worst 20 sentences? I shudder at the thought.

A writer over at the Telegraph chose some of Dan Brown’s most unfortunate sentences; what follows are a few of them. And after them are some random samplings from my upcoming work.

So who's the worse writer? You be the judge!

—The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: He could taste the familiar tang of museum air - an arid, deionized essence that carried a faint hint of carbon - the product of industrial, coal-filter dehumidifiers that ran around the clock to counteract the corrosive carbon dioxide exhaled by visitors.

Editorial comment: Ah, that familiar tang of deionised essence.

—The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: As a boy, Langdon had fallen down an abandoned well shaft and almost died treading water in the narrow space for hours before being rescued. Since then, he'd suffered a haunting phobia of enclosed spaces - elevators, subways, squash courts.

Editorial comment: Other enclosed spaces include toilet cubicles, phone boxes and dog kennels.

—The Da Vinci Code, chapter 5: Only those with a keen eye would notice his 14-karat gold bishop's ring with purple amethyst, large diamonds, and hand-tooled mitre-crozier appliqué.

Editorial comment: A keen eye indeed.

—The Lost Symbol, chapter 1: He was sitting all alone in the enormous cabin of a Falcon 2000EX corporate jet as it bounced its way through turbulence. In the background, the dual Pratt & Whitney engines hummed evenly.

—The Da Vinci Code, chapter 17: Yanking his Manurhin MR-93 revolver from his shoulder holster, the captain dashed out of the office.

Editorial comment: Oh – the Falcon 2000EX with the Pratt & Whitneys? And the Manurhin MR-93? Not the MR-92? You’re sure? Thanks.

—The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: Five months ago, the kaleidoscope of power had been shaken, and Aringarosa was still reeling from the blow.

Editorial comment: Did they hit him with the kaleidoscope?

My Submissions:

5. You go to someone’s house for dinner and find that they have made baby rabbit stew and lamprey surprise. (“Surprise! We made lampreys!”)

Editorial comment: This is going to be published?

4. Did you see that? Nose-picking requires more “nosologic scrutiny.” I’ve been saying this for years!

Editorial comment: No, seriously. Like, it'll be in bookstores?

3. When Roman poet Gaius Catullus (84 BCE – 54 CE) read something he didn’t like, he called it cacata charta— “poop paper.”

Editorial comment: They should print this book on cacata charta so that it will stink in two different ways.

2. That means that humans barf WAY more than almost any other species of animal.

Editorial comment: This is too easy.

1. You deflate your bladder pretty often. (What a great sentence!)

Editorial comment: Actually, that's not half-bad!

Well, there you have it. Judges, your scorecards? Hey, I lose! (By which I mean, "I win!")

How to Keep a Clean Park

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:54:00 +0000

Volumes Aloft

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:37:00 +0000

By Thomas Guignard for the Geneva Book Fair.

Gorgonzola & Geiger Counters

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:48:00 +0000

I have a soft spot for odd signs. Take this one for “Atomic Cheese” that recently showed up in our neighborhood. How is the cheese “atomic”? I don’t know, but its gorgonzola is getting a once-over with a Geiger counter before I buy any.

Now here’s a charmingly lighthearted street sign designed by the good person over at prettydang.com.

And in the realm of text-heaviness this sign a stone’s throw from my house advertises the sale of a building called “Ode to Rose’s.” (Rose’s was a beloved ice cream eatery that occupied the site earlier.)

FOR SALE

(True story.)

PRICE: More than a house less than a house on the [Alameda] ridge… maybe.

NOTE: This is an investment property. All the tenants (who rock, by the way) are staying. There are no owner/occupant options…. Sorry.

This unique phrasing hails from the frontal lobes of Renaissance man Kevin Cavenaugh.

Finally, let's close with a genuinely fanciful sign that was spotted on the London Underground and then posted on the London Underground.

Today Is “Ask A Stupid Question Day”!

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:00:00 +0000

What’s the opposite of a camel? One expert says that it’s a soap dish. It’s not alive, is found in moist places, and it has no hump. And if you think that’s a stupid question, you’re right! According to the Telegraph, this is a decades old American tradition. (Dang, I have to read a British newspaper to find that out?)

I guess stupid questions could take two forms: A question you should already know the answer to (“What’s my name?”) OR one that’s so rhetorical or inchoate, it never should have been posed at all. (“Which is older: pencils or dirt?”)

The Any Questions Answered (AQA) text service collected some of its stupidest questions and did a remarkably graceful job answering them, to wit:

Q: In Mars Bars, how much taller is Jeremy Clarkson than Tom Cruise? 

A: A Mars bar is four inches long. Jeremy Clarkson measures 19.25 Mars Bars (six feet five), while Tom Cruise is 16.75 Mars bars high (five feet seven). That's a 2.5 Mars bar difference.

Q: What’s the funniest word in the world? 

A: The funniest word in the English language is fartlek (an athletic training regime); other funny words include furphy, pratfall, parp and firkin.

Q: What is the best type of biscuit to make a mattress from? 

A: The best type of biscuits to make a mattress from would be fig rolls or strawberry Newtons. They would be soft, but still provide some back support.

Q: I want to write a film script which makes me millions: what should it be about? 

A: Based on the top-grossing films, your script should be about a young wizard and a robot looking for a ring on a pirate ship which sinks. Good luck.

Q: How long is a piece of string? 

A: A piece of string is twice as long as half its length. It is usually shorter than the amount you need to wrap a parcel, but always long enough to tangle.

Selling Toys with Razor Blades

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:39:00 +0000

Let’s say you’re in charge of Play-Doh’s marketing account. The good news is that everyone knows what Play-Doh is. The bad news is that there’s a whole new generation of young parents who might think their kids are too cool to play with something that is so mainstream.

How can you get through to these hip, possibly tattooed parental units? By using reverse psychology! You market your totally safe, non-toxic toy in a way that makes it seem edgy and dangerous.

And so here it is: The only toy ad campaign I’ve ever seen that uses meat cleavers, and pills (!) to appeal to a demographic.

See, the idea is that kids can MAKE dangerous things that AREN'T actually dangerous. Ooh, it's a double-edged razor!

Your Corporate Identity Ran Over My Grammar Book

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:18:00 +0000

There are any number of companies with names that have become synonymous with the product or service they sell. "Xerox" used to be a good example of this, but it seems like it's been ages since I've heard Xerox used as a verb. (Which is a pity, as there probably aren't any other verbs with two Xs.)

Anyway, these types of companies jealously guard their corporate brand, and they encourage writers to always use ®, ©, or ™ when referring to them. Case in point, this gentle reminder from Kleenex (®, ©, and ™) which espouses corporate identity even as it flouts the laws of punctuation in a very silly way. (It seems like "Help us keep our identity ours" would be the most graceful solution, though I suspect there are at least three other possibilities.)

Words to Live By

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 17:21:00 +0000

As seen at the New Seasons' butcher counter.

Sort of Endorsed by Kanye West

kingbart@comcast.net (Bart King) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:48:00 +0000

I know it's old, but I just can't resist. Plus, this gives me a chance to share another Kanye gem: "I would never want a book's autograph."