United or Death

United wax those frogs.

2011-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

To be perfectly honest, I just really liked this picture. It sums up exactly how I felt yesterday.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2011-03-07T23:28:00.000-08:00

What the fuck was that? Nani with a gross leg and an even filthier header... I only wish Rooney had played in that game. He did? What? Where? Liar. I've been bitchin' about Michael Carrick for years and he, lucky for us, right before this shitbag signed long-term. I'm honestly at a loss for words and it's been days since this game.

I'm just pissed. Who doesn't hate losing to Liverpool? No one. It's like losing to an actual toilet in anything.

I'm not even gonna bother looking for a gross picture of Nani's shin or a funny picture of Gerrard making out with a dude-chick, I'm that angry.

Liverpool sucks.

2011-03-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I've been absent. Sorry, but a motherfucker who just had a 5-month-long escapade of bitches, train robbery, forgery, some counterfeiting, hell I did shit that would make Charlie, Emelio, Lynsey and their dad Michael Douglas announce me as WINNER has got nothing to apologize for. Nope. Not me. There was some hard time done, but you should see those other cons, the ones I handled. I call them cons now 'cause I've been there. I'm out now, and yeah, there was some god damned tunneling and Shawshank shit, shit that would have made Red fucking freak out and sail that boat from Zihuantanejo and just thankfully sink that shit with him and Tim Robbins on it with a glass of Chianti and some fava beans, thankful they didn't go what I went through just to post this shit. I say shit a lot now too...I'm institutionalized I guess. I got out of the shit with just shear will, my bitch Kenny, and two cigarettes (really hard to tunnel with cigarettes, but I just smoked that shit and used Kenny as a tunnel plow) and with a white hot desire to see United beat the living shit out of Liverpool. So I'm ready boys, I went through hell and back, ready to beat those god damned losers. I hated losing to Chelsea last week, but we all knew that was bullshit and anyway I just heard about it from behind bars so I didn't see David Luis do his shit or one of the lamest awarded god damned penalty shots I've ever ~~seen~~ heard about from my bitch Kenny awarded.

Big game tomorrow, boys. I really think after Arsenal's drunken faceplant today that if we win this fixture we win 19.

Rooney's back. Welcome home, jerk.

2010-10-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

He's back. Always feels nice when the club and player use United fans as negotiating ploys. Welcome back, a-hole. Start banging in some fucking goals.

Rooney's Fuck You to Us

2010-10-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

What the fuck, Wayne? Really. You're gonna roll over money? Pull a Carlos Tevez on us? If all speculation is true Rooney's going to leave over cash. I know the guys struggling and probably going to rightfully have to pay out his ass for a divorce, but he can't leave United, right? We're the ones that love him, that get him. We're the ones that have had his back after every petulant time he lost a ball and ran back to kick an opponent or plow some prostitute. He's our white Pele. He's our talisman. Our identity. Or maybe he's just another gifted athlete that says the right things until there's a contract dispute. He'll take all the admiration, the glory, and then flip us all off on the way to Real Madrid... Thanks Wayne. Now I've got to burn the jersey I've been putting on my son for the past 3 years. Sorry, boy. He doesn't give a fuck about you, boy, he needs a new Ferrari full of cash money...those hoes aren't free.

I hope he never wears a United jersey again...or, you know, just signs a contract and keeps his mouth shut.

Berbatov's Hattrick on the Scousers

2010-09-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay... Get off my back Berba's Girl. I've not been posting because for some god awful reason I couldn't get the last two United games on television. I missed the Everton game and the friggin Liverpool game all because my cable company doesn't offer Setanta. Lame, I know.

That being said... I've waffled to and fro on one Dimitar Berbatov, although never on the sweetness of his name. It always pissed me off how much United fans hated him, yet I knew why. It's hard to watch him slink around sometimes, he's kind of the white Le Sulke. He's doesn't smile often and I've had my worries over his lack of drive, mental make-up, and chain-smoking, but no longer. Damn it, I'm on BOARD, Berba's Girl! I may have the same crush on him that you do now. By the highlights I've hunted down on the internet-superhighway-web thing I've seen Berbatov gold. How great was that shot? And if you don't know yet which one I'm talking about turn your tv on and you'll see that shit. Bitchin. Then United shits the bed and give the scousers back 2. Who comes to the rescue? The smokin' Bulgarian. Word.

Valencia's ankle was gross.

2010-09-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Told you I'd be updating this blog super regularly and all serious like. What the fuck happened against Everton? I'm not even gonna comment. It was gross. Not as gross as Antonio Valencia's ankle yesterday... Holy shit. He should have learned from Robocop, Pris from Blade Runner, Dick Chaney and the Terminator that androids can be injured. The dude still never took a breath after his ankle turned into the remnants of a rib dinner at Ronaldo's house (the fat one). I feel horrible for the dude. Not often do you actually get to see a dude look down and see his leg is all mangled and then point to it as he's discovered his whole world is fucked. Here's to a speedy recovery, I'm sure they can just put an new ankle and foot on the guy like Luke's hand in Star Wars though. Seriously, how did we not score against Rangers. I hate those bastards. How old is David Weir and when did he quit touring with the Grateful Dead? United need to pull their collect heads out of their collective asses pretty quickly. Luckily we've got Liverpool right around the corner...it's time to right the ship and they really suck balls right now.

Rooney, Sparkle, and Black Dynamite

2010-09-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Things I learned on this week of international football:

Andrei Arshavin is probably the only grown man or woman to use the word "sparkle" in a sentence to other grown ups.
Gonna have a hard time pulling on my Rooney kit.
Black Dynamite was the funniest movie I've seen in awhile.
I don't have a clue what "getting your coaches badges" really means. I get that it's a step toward coaching when a player is done playing, but that's all I understand of it.
They don't play any decent international football games on the television in the U.S.
Lot's of reports saying we're going after Sotiris Ninis which is a weird fucking name.
The prostitute Rooney was cramming is pretty friggin' hot.
You want to be the dude that brings Wayne Rooney his smokes.
The prostitute in question called him "not that ugly".

Wayne Rooney Affair

2010-09-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Great. Numerous sources are saying some paper is publishing that Rooney was cramming some hot ass prostitute while his wife Coleen was prego with Kai. Nice work, asshole. I spent the last 6 month publicly crucifying John Terry for boning his teammate's girlfriend and now I too look like an asshole. Damnit, Wayne. Don't be a idiot. Don't make me look bad, I'm plenty capable of that myself. This isn't just bad for me. It's almost as bad for his wife and son. Think about it, nice to know ole' da was getting his johnson dipped while ma's throwing up and craving weird shit. All this coming down on a weekend of international football...I can't even watch United play. This is bad for me, people. Really bad. Thanks, jerk.

Sorry about this

2010-09-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to get this over with as soon as possible. United or Death now has it's own facebook page. And I'm frequently annoying on twitter @unitedordeath. Sorry. So dorky.

Hleb spurns Liverpool for Birmingham City

2010-09-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

After not doing much research regarding the matter, I'm offering this us as the god's honest truth: Alyaksander Hleb has spurned Liverpool for Birmingham City. No shit. Birmingham City. No offense Birmingham City but you're not exactly Barcelona or Arsenal, Hleb's previous teams. Hell, you're not even Wigan. But let's get back to how far exactly Liverpool have fallen. Hleb would rather go to Birmingham City, a club that's gonna be fighting relegation (I guess Liverpool could not be that far off if Torres pops another tendon, ligament, or labia again) all season. It's as if some journeyman like say, me, choose a spot on the Clippers when the Lakers came calling. Forget that. I just compared Liverpool to the Lakers which was a silly mistake. The Lakers are still a contender, my bad. Let's talk about Hleb for a minute. He's like a weirder looking Willem Defoe whose already really weird looking.

Things I noticed after this weekend:
Avram Grant might be the boogeyman. How scary looking is that fucker? I'm pretty sure he sold his soul to the devil in a weird Twilight Zonish event. Devil: "You can manage Chelsea and in return I only ask for two things: your soul and you can never sleep again." Grant: "Done. Fuck sleep. I'll lead Chelsea to the Champions League final...who could sack someone after that?!"

Nani made that defender fall down before nailing that shot against West Ham.

Berba delivered.

I'm bummed Tom Cleverly was loaned out.

West Ham and the Draw

2010-08-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm about to roll out of the tiny town of San Luis Obispo to go back to tinsel town for a couple of days. Can't wait to see United beat up on West Ham, who've I've mentioned before have the lamest nickname of all time. The Young Boys think you've got to clean it up, Hammers. I'm hitting my favorite place to see a game tomorrow, The Fox and Hounds in Studio City. I'm so out of the loop here, is Rooney playing? I hope you don't come here for actual information, I'm slippin' for real.

And the Champions League draw is done. We did a'ight. Frankly, I'm so damn excited to beat the shit out of the Rangers I can't even express it. Were I not a United fan I'd be wearing green and white hoops, that's how badly I hate the Rangers. So bring them on. We also pulled Valencia, whose solid, but if you read their wikipedia page it's friggin' sad, constantly implied as the stepchild in Spanish football. Then we've got Bursapor which just sounds like an awful skin ailment. I won't pretend to act like I know who the fuck Bursapor is or where they're from. I'm not even gonna look that shit up. I'm failing you all, I know.

Upon my return I will look to be a better blogger, man, and gardener.

Scholes dominates Newcastle

2010-08-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

The old ginger prince still has it. It might come every other game, but don't count him out. He had a dazzling passing display that was capped by a ridiculous pass to Giggsy who took it out of the air for a classic Giggsy goal. Fletch, the football genius, didn't disappoint. And, not for nothing, Berbatov looked solid. It would have been too good if he connected with that one volley, but a I will say, to keep up the bloggers lofty integrity, that I missed the last 10 minutes of the 1st half and first 15 of the second because I booked my cable guys to come out at, really, just a terrible time. What I did see was a fantastic beginning to the season if not a great start to the game, but United came on, kept possession, and dominated that Newcastle ass like they do every season. Nice day of work, Reds. Bring on Fulham.

Things Newcastle and Apollo 16 have in common...

2010-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

My 100th post, a mini-milestone for me and it comes right at the start of the 2010-11 Premier League kick off for United. These are good omens, folks. Look Pepe Reina already shat the bed. Arsenal look weak. Chelsea are obviously a contender, yeah, they won 6-0, but they weren't tested, not against West Brom. Villa came out with something to prove, which was nice to see until Milner rolls to City in a few days... Then we've got City drawing with Spurs. This is a solid start, especially with United taking on Newcastle who've failed to beat United at home since Richard Nixon ordered the development of the Space Shuttle program or East Pakistan became Bangladesh or, how about this: since Apollo 16 landed on the moon. No shit, Newcastle haven't beat United at home since someone landed on the fucking moon. Well, there was Apollo 17 that came later, but Newcastle haven't beaten United since Apollo 16 landed there, whatever...stupid argument. It's been a long time, that's all I'm saying. We beat that Newcastle ass tomorrow like normal and we're top of the table where I'm predicting we're gonna be all season long...maybe second tomorrow because Chelsea dropped six but...leave me alone.

Chelsea's 3rd kit... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

2010-08-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

He's at it again. Roman Abramovich can't get enough neon green. Throwing fashion doctrine, common sense and decade awareness out the window, Chelsea are rocking neon green jerseys again. I blame this on Roman Abramovich because in my head he makes every decision at Stamford Bridge and he also speaks like Tim Roth in Pulp Fiction. Deep in the recesses of my mind here's how I'm completely convinced decisions are made at Chelsea:

Yolanda

I love you, Pumpkin.

Roman

I love you, Honey Bunny.

Yolanda

Everyone be cool. This is fucking the 3rd kit!

Roman

Anyone of you fuckin' pricks talk shit and I'll execute

every one of you. Petr Cech is wearing HyperColor!

Is it possible for Frank Lampard to look douche-y-er?

New Manchester United Striker Bebe Video...not great.

2010-08-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

Fergie digs deep again and pulls out some Portuguese dude that looks like he could be playing bass or that pickle thing sometimes musicians shake for rhythm for a Bob Marley cover band. United have paid a solid chunk of dough (reported at 7.4-ish million pounds, which is like a hundo million American dollars, I think) for the Rastaman, Bebe. Goal.com has done the research, so I've got to give them credit here. They've apparently found some footage of Bebe. I'm not going to say it's conclusive or informative, but you do see him score a goal in some sort of practice. I do know that Portuguese is a weird language now and that I like linguica, which I already knew, but I'm just getting out there for general information. Let's hope Bebe is the new Chicharito, who hasn't really even played a real game for United.

P.S. That's not a baby picture of Bebe, but how stoned does that baby look?

Mesut Ozil confirmation or hoax?

2010-08-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

First off, sorry I've been lagging on the posts. I don't even have a solid reason... I hope you haven't abandoned me long time readers. Where are you Anonymous Swedish Dude or you sweet Berba's Girl?

So this is apparently from United's website... I've seen people do this shit to ESPN's website so I'm not a believer, but I figured I'd throw it out there 'cause it's fun and I'd like to see that freaky looking dude wearing one of those new AON kits.

I'm not a fan of the new away kits. I can't put my finger on what they remind me of but there's something there. I'll let you know when I figure that shit out.

How nice was Berba's goal in Community Shield? Money.

How hard is it to score when you miss kick a ball and it goes off your face and into the net? Really hard or totally luck. Chicharito is going to be titties regardless.

Suck it, Chelsea. You losers. They looked bad, which is good, real good.

Is Ozil coming to United? Is he that Finding Nemo Turtle?

2010-08-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ever seen Mesut Ozil and this turtle from Finding Nemo in the same room at the same time? Coincidence? I'm just saying they're the same exact person or turtle (debatable). There are all kinds of rumors or in England "rumours" that he's in Manchester/seen at Manchester airport. It could have been that cartoon turtle from Finding Nemo folks are seeing though, just a heads up. But if this dude comes it would be shocking. Not because United never seem to sign young stars, not because the Glazers are silly-poor, but his name is Mesut. What the fuck is that? Mesut? It doesn't even sound like a normal name or even a weird name. It sounds made up at Comi-con or some shit. Or some 1st level Cleric that Mordeth would battle with in D & D (I had to google D & D characters to come up with 1st level Cleric, don't think I know that shit). Speaking of Mordeth the Blue, we've got the Shield next weekend... Oh god, the season is around the corner...

Go get Balotelli, City. It's the perfect storm.

2010-07-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm rooting for City. Yep, I'm coming out and saying it. I hope City do sign Mario Balotelli. I hope they beat United to the signing of the uber-talented Italian striker. The kid's good, really good and he deserves City. Can you even imagine how funny it'll be? Balotelli going bat shit crazy over at City... He's going to pout, maybe put on a United jersey mid season (maybe mid game), curse the fans. There's gonna be so much pressure on City to win and Balotelli famously explodes under pressure. It's the perfect storm. Can't you hear both Carlos Tevez and Mario bitching about training sessions? Balotelli didn't train for Mourinho, he's not going to train for Mancini. Stankovic, his own teammate, called him "a child". It's too perfect, an amalgamate of greed, petulance and shear stupidity...rock on, City. Unless, United signs him...then I'll just change my stance because I'm a faceless blogger. Wahoo!

Our crazy ass Serbian is still our crazy ass Serbian.

2010-07-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know where Serbia is, but I'm sure it's close to crazy ass Russia. And if there was another Rambo like Rambo III or if Stallone was to remake of Rocky IV, the villain is being played by Nemanja Vidic and he's going to whip Rocky on John J.'s old ass wearing a Manchester United jersey. I was sure he was leaving, completely braced for it, but when the news came down that United was going to offer him a new, man-sized, contract I felt some hope. Now he's going to be terrorizing opposing strikers for the next two years as a Red Devil I'm fired up. Nemanja. It's just fun to say his name. Welcome back from transfer rumor oblivion, Nemanja.

Ibrahimovic anyone?

2010-07-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

The World Cup's over and it's time for all of us to get over that. The good news is that the Premier League season is a few weeks away. And, hell, we're right in the middle of the transfer period. The great news here is that the Scousers may lose one or both of their stars. Torres, whose groin fucking exploded for no good reason in the World Cup, maybe going to Chelsea which could be great for me, personally. I'd love to Roman drop a cool 50 mil for a lady that can't stay on the pitch for more than 8 minutes and I'd also love hear Liverpool fans cry that she's gone. And if they lost Gerrard...their talisman. One can only dream. Speaking of dreaming, let's just pretend that Manchester United is a normal, huge sports franchise, that could afford to, I don't know, buy a fucking player or, hell, afford bus fair. So giving up all rational thought and acting like the Glazers don't own the club, I'm going to throw some names out there: Diego Forlan, Luis Fabiano and, oh god, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. We missed out on David Villa, David Silva, and probably Kun Aguero and I'm fine with that (except for Villa, that guy's titties, but he was never coming to England), but we need another proven scorer. Chelsea bagged about 900 goals last season. I'll take any of those three, Sir Alex. I know Diego played for us before and all, but he's clearly a better player now. Fabiano's bitchin'. And Zlatan's name is Zlatan...that's rad. Let's break that goddamned piggy bank, Glazers.

I already feel the World Cup withdrawals.

2010-07-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

Excuses for my infrequent blogging will come at later date.... It's the fucking WORLD CUP FINAL in mere hours, yo. The shear guilt that anyone or just the one person that reads this might for some reason be anticipating a post has driven me back to the keyboard. That and the enormity of this game. Feeling the pressure, I've made my pick. I'm going with the Dutch, and I get Spain, I do. They can pass. They can dribble and pass and pass, then they can make a pass greater than the finest sexual experience you've experienced, will experience or could possibly experience regardless of the number of people in the imagined or real experience (you're gonna here a ton about their passing abilities). What I'm saying, you, dude that reads this blog, is that it's the exact same thing you hear about Arsenal at the beginning of every Premier League Season...and we buy it every time. They make it look so easy. Fluid passing. They've got precision. Beautiful football. And if you're a Chelsea, Liverpool, Spurs, or a United fan you're like, we can't beat this beautiful shit. Then the first your club plays them every year you're thinking for twenty minutes or so that you should just turn the television off, your team doesn't belong on the same pitch. Look how good their young players are, you know, the Nasri's or how fast Theo Walcott is, maybe Van Persie or Denilson (worst one named player name since Kaka, he sounds like a canned or frozen food manufacturer). What I'm saying, ye hot chicks of the Netherlands, it's gonna be scary for a while, but grown men, with will, win big games and I think your teams got the will. And didn't Cesc Fabergas break his leg taking a fucking penalty kick...come on.

A quick hitter.

2010-07-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

Got to do this quick before the kids come home...

1. Luis Fabiano - I hope whomever is actually pulling the strings or opening that mostly empty wallet is ready to pull out that twenty million pound Euro or whatever it's going to cost to get us a legit striker. Sign Fabiano, he's legit and we need legit.

2. Kevin-Prince Boateng- What the fuck, bro? What if I had the name Mark-Emperor? Just go by Prince or Kevin, jerk.

3. Holy shit, I can't believe Ghana missed that penalty kick.

Robben's a one-awesome-trick pony.

2010-06-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, Brazil, this one's for you. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that, shockingly, no one's figured out... Arjen Robben is left footed. Really. He's left footed. Got it? I know he plays down the right side of the pitch, but he not going to cross it. Think about it, Brazil. I'll set the scenario that's played out in just about every fucking game Arjen's played in: He's going to get the ball on the right side, probably just past midfield and he's going to dribble it straight down the line (the other thing is don't be surprised that he's fast, really. I know he's all bald and old looking, but he's like 26. Yeah, he looks like Zidane does in those Louis Vuittan ads, but older.. it's part of his wicked Dutch mental games), then right when he gets around the box he's going to cut to his left, take about 6 paces, then drill a blast right into the back of your net. Seriously, it's going to happen and it's got to be unstoppable or no one else but me is watching every game the old looking, but not really old Dutch guy scores in. Don't let him cut back left, Brazil. He'll kill you.

I'm not in the least rooting for Brazil, but I can't believe anyone's surprised when Robben does his single, awesome and, I think, defendable shot. Make him cross it, Brazil. Or you might be done, which is okay with me. Maybe I should have written this after the game...nah, no one reads this anyway.

You were right, I was wrong.

2010-06-23T10:49:00.001-07:00