Universal Complaints Dept.

Complaint #07 - That Damned Smoke Alarm

2008-06-11T11:32:00.001-07:00

Universal Complaints Department

                                    Complaint Form

Galactic Region: Plural Z Z Alpha
Reference Number: A
Date: 11/6/2008

Complainant -
First Name: Shiv
Last Name: Timberwolf

Gender: Male on weekdays
Title/s: Right Honorless

Status: Cloud of pure itchy

Subject of Complaint: Smoke Alarm
Complaint:
I have a smoke alarm in my flat and it it currently letting out a loud single beep every two minutes. I know this is to say that the battery needs replacing, however I am unable to deal with this as a) it's too damned high, b) the "release" mechanism to open the stupid thing requires a degree in astrophysics, a doctorate in theoretical physics, and a working knowledge of L-Space to be able to use! So I'm stuck here with the chinese torture device from hell keeping me up all night until I finally snap and take at it with a hammer.
Stupid god damned smoke alarm.

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Complaint #6 - A Bad Month

2008-06-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Everything that CAN go wrong, HAS gone wrong! Grrrr!!! This has been such a terrible month. It's a joke, really. One thing after another. It's gotta get better soon, and I keep saying it, but then something ELSE terrible happens! *growl*

www.perilouslyprecocious.com

Complaint #5 - Tagging Games.

2008-06-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'd like to complain about these tag games or MEME. One, still no one has answered my question of what MEME means [The term comes from semiotics, an obscure branch of English studies, and basically refers to any idea which is communicated in a viral fashion -Mildred]. Then, some of them are just for increasing hits to their site like this one. They are an annoying interruption of my day and my flow. And then, I can't ignore it like some can. I feel like I have to move it forward, so then I worry about intruding upon others and I don't want to keep using the same people. However, 4 persons was better than 5. Also, this does give me a chance to vent.

I don't dislike all of them. The ones that have some content like this one is sort of okay. But, I really like the ones where there are questions. I find that those are fun and sometimes you get to know a person better. I like getting to know others better. I think 2 or 3 to be tagged is best. It is manageable and not overwhelming. This one was overwhelming, partly because my week has been rough. Come to think of it, this one still bugs me.

http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/

Complaint #4 - A Cyclist's Woes

2008-06-06T03:47:00.001-07:00

Complaint:

Sodding twats using sodding BMX bicycles to get from A to B that are obviously too small for them.

They're great stunt bikes, no doubt. They're like stunt tools for people too useless to use skateboards, and fair enough - Skateboards require a very high degree of skill.
But using these bikes to get from A to B is stupid - you don't look cool, you look a twat: almost hitting your chin with your knees every time you do a revolution of the pedals; seriously peddling away and getting knowhere [sic - Mildred], etc. Fashion-following, useless, scenester wankers.

Cyclists should have to have a lisence, and the bikes should have to be road-legal, and BMX's wouldn't be.

If you want to be that close to the ground, get a low rider. If you want to look cool, join a suicide cult [Interesting definition of cool - Mildred].

http://radiogstring.today.com/

Complaint #3 - Trinity and Susanna

2008-06-04T14:30:00.001-07:00

Universal Complaints Department

                                    Complaint Form

Galactic Region: Earth
Reference Number: BingoBongo123
Date: 4th June 2008
Complainant -
First Name: Blimp
Last Name: Rhino

Gender: Male
Title/s: Mr.
Status: Living

Subject of Complaint: Trinity and Susanna

Complaint: Why do these people exist? Not content with being useless shallow fashion sluts and wasting everyone's time instilling their shitty ideal that we should waste a load of time 'looking good' into everyone, they also want to piss me off by showing naked people on tv whilst i'm trying to eat my dinner! I was just shoving some tasty salmon into my mouth when onto the screen pops up three flaccid male organs in continous succession, completely and utterly uncensored, in all their glorious, hideous, disgusting vileness. One even had a Prince Albert. Jesus H Christ. Normally I'd switch it off but funnilly enough my mother wanted to continue to watch it!
At least no one turned up to their stupid 'let's make a naked statue of the ideal british man and woman out of three hundred naked people' bullshit though. Hah!

Far too much faith is placed in 'making things look good' these days. Just look at the government. Instead of doing their jobs they have spent the majority of their time on marketing their image and covering shit up (which is bad unless it's your filthy damned genetalia pre-watershed. No one wants to see that crap). Stop lying to people, you can't polish a turd. If you look like shit, well tough. Well anyway - if my mother can look at Trinity and Susanna, then I can look at porn!!! Celebrate the human body everyone!!!!!

Complaint #2 - (Un)Originality

2008-06-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone should die. I mean seriously, with all the people on the people spending so much time being creative, there's no more room for originality! Ok, maybe not everyone, but imagine if 90% of the world's people and their intellectual property just disappeared. Then something as seemingly simple as coming up with a completely unique company name wouldn't require supernatural abilities.

Oh, and Everything Sucks!

DragonHawk

Complaint #1 - Use Your Status!

2008-06-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

My complaint is this: Why do people come onto messenger then say "I'm not in the mood to talk"? That's just stupid, it's like going to a cinema then telling the ticketseller you're not in the mood to see a film! You're on messenger for god's sake! It's *designed* as a communication tool!
I mean, if you are insistent in living this paradox then at least appear offline, or even just busy or something. Hell, even "brb" would be a better status!
So when I say hello don't come out with "I'm not in the mood to talk" because if that's the case you shouldn't be online. And don't you DARE get grumpy with me about it!

So, I think I deserve a written apology for this gross misconduct.
~Shiv

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2008-06-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

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2008-06-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

Universal Complaints Department

                                    Complaint Form

Galactic Region:
Reference Number:
Date:

Complainant -
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Gender:
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Please note that there may be a waiting period in processing your complaint. Adjustments to form processing times may occur. We strive to achieve maximal efficiency at all times, subject to the phases of the moon, and Mildred's rather limited supply of patience.

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