Unlettered and Ordinary

Despair: The Mother of Creativity

2013-12-12T10:53:00.001-08:00

Looks like it's been a solid year since I last posted anything new. Truth is, much like writing music or playing my guitar, I just don't feel much like blogging anymore. I think it all started (read: stopped) around the time I began getting treatment for my trifecta of above-the-eyebrow issues. It seems there is a connection between ones despair and their desire to publicly emote (artistically or otherwise). I suppose that sadness is the Mother of creativity after all. But, though I miss missing the writing and singing, I don't miss missing the constant drumbeat of self-destructive introspection that was my constant companion for all those years. It's a give-and-take I guess.

Kind of like the getting older. I have far more freedom as an adult than I did when I was, say, a toddler. I can stay up as late as I want and no one looks askance if I have a drink of water right before bedtime. But along with this freedom I have found that I've also lost some things. For example, while a toddler can take all their clothes off and run down the produce aisle of a grocery store until their mom catches them and it's seen as little more than an adorable mishap, ~~when~~ if I do the same thing as an adult it is considered far less precious. Apparently it's a "crime" in this country for a grown man to frolic nude in a public market without a permit. Who knew? In any case, just like that type of behavior can cost one their freedom by way of incarceration, a couple of years spent getting my head right seems to have cost me the creative motivations that once oozed out of me like frosting. Sad, depressing frosting.

I am toying with the idea of starting a new blog that will focus less on my personal day-to-day life and more on (moron?) things that related to my professional life. Probably mostly fun things one can do writing code and the occasional technical review. I haven't thought of a cool name yet. I already bought a domain (using one of the new TLDs, no less) called "powershell.guru" so, assuming Microsoft doesn't sue me, I may end up using that. So who knows? Will this be my last post on www.unletteredandordinary.com? Yes it will....or will it?

Presentation Paradox and the Tao of Introversion

2012-12-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

Read a great Huffington Post article today. It was passed along by my brother who also enjoyed it. It was called “Nine Signs that You Might Be an Introvert.” Found that it did a great job at defining and articulating the nature of my seemingly paradoxical behavior. At my age, the ‘HF’ in my HFA has become dominant. I have mastered the art of feigning interest in other people and have built an extensive mental database of how to properly behave in countless social interactions. But the baseline things are still there. Among them, my preference to being alone whenever the option is available. So I present very well. But it confuses people; including, at times, me.

Here’s the thing. I love speaking in front of large groups -- the larger the better. I've taught technical classes and given countless talks on sundry philosophical and spiritual topics. I enjoy performing too. I've sung with live bands in front of hundreds of people and I even did stand-up comedy a couple of times when I was young. Loved every minute of it. Were you to ask any of my friends -- save a few that know me very well -- if I were ‘introverted’ or ‘extroverted’, they would most certainly group me in with the latter.

But I’m not. Not even close. I am supercalifragilisticexpi-introverted.

Granted, it can be very hard to tell that I am an introvert. However, it can quickly become apparent when people try to “connect” with me (or I with them). So I volunteer a lot and do other things that force me to be around people. But I always make sure it’s something that requires little to no emotional element. That’s probably why I love my vocation as a systems engineer. Just give me a problem and let me solve it. As the great American artist, Robert Van Winkle, once said:

Keep my composure when it's time to get loose. Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice. If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while D. Shay revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby.

"Juice kicking" notwithstanding, the bulk of Western society appears to have very little tolerance for, or even comprehension of, my type of introversion. That’s not really news -- people on the spectrum are often in such a situation. What’s more, due to their lack of understanding, most folks leave me alone and I really like it. But these same people will see me speaking in front of a crowd or postulating on some spiritual abstraction at a neighbor's front door and think I am “outgoing”. What they don’t see is the aftermath. Those two days of downtime I need to recover from the effort required for me to engage in those scant hours, or even minutes, of public interaction.

Kicking my juice attracts ferrous metals

The most enjoyable days I've ever had in my adult life usually involved me quietly sitting alone in a dimly lit room, writing code or researching some obscure topic, for hours -- then leaving the house to get sushi and/or ice cream -- then coming home and sitting quietly again until bedtime. Except for amusement parks. For some reason I can’t get enough of those. Not sure what the deal is there....

But anyway, don’t worry. I will still come to your wedding reception, graduation party, or open house. Just don’t try contacting me for a couple days afterward because I won’t answer the phone. Unless you want me to give a speech or something -- them I’m all over it.

The Verizon 4G 890L Jetpack - Reading the Config File

2012-08-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

After hearing that Comcast was discontinuing their “HiSpeed2Go” wireless Internet service this month, I found myself in need of another mobile Internet connection. After looking around I went with the Verizon 4G 890L “Jetpack” (made by ZTE). It had decent reviews and Costco had great rebates that made the out-the-door price almost nothing. Once I got it home I was pleasantly surprised to find that it did indeed provide impressive speed -- especially given that I was only getting two bars of 4G service at the time. Not to mention that the device itself looked pretty slick. What can I say? I'm a sucker for high-gloss plastic.

The web-based configuration screen was nice looking and intuitive. I found that it provided the ability to allow the user (i.e. me) to download an offline copy of the device configuration. So, I went ahead and did that. But, when I opened the file (called "export_config" by default), I found that I could not read it. It seemed to be just a bunch of gibberish characters. Was the file it corrupted? Encrypted? Disrupted? Unscripted? What's my name? What color is the sky? What of donuts? What?! For the love of God, tell me!

After doing a bit of research online (we will call this "e-search"), I found I was not the first person to come across this. Turned out this 890L, while it looked and functioned like a modern wireless communication device, the under-the-hood security was still partying like it was 1999. In short, the 890L "Jetpack" was riddled with security flaws. So many in fact, the good people over at Lift Security io already published a security advisory about it.

They didn't get into specific weaknesses, but they did say that the unreadable config file is not encrypted at all. It appeared the ZTE engineers went with the time-tested “Security through Obscurity” methodology. The security advisory showed how the config file was a simple ascii code offset, with a key of 79. Then they provided a chunk of JavaScript one could use restore the file back to its original XML format. I'm not a javascript guy and I am way too lazy to learn, so...I wrote a PowerShell script to accomplish the same thing. BTW, if you don't your way around PowerShell, you should really learn. Unless you're too lazy. You're not lazy are you? Laaaazy?? Pfffft, I thought so. Lazy.

If you have one of these devices yourself, try downloading your config file and running it through the script (either mine or the js one from Lift Security). I think you will be amazed and/or horrified at just what's in the resulting XML file. I don't want to give away the ending, but let's just say that many special guests are scheduled to appear. Among them are "Password" and "PSK". :|

Anyway, here's my PowerShell script. Use at your own risk! I always hate it when I find sample code online and it's full of shorthand that the uninitiated can't make heads or tails of, to wit, I tried to be as verbose as possible with my code.

## You can also REvert the XML back to gibberish (after making
## changes to the XML), but the web UI does a bitcount so it may
## not be uploadable. It's just a matter of doing the math in
## reverse. Seriously, you should learn how to do this. :)

## Location and name of your original export file
$xFile = "C:\path\to\export_config"

## Getting content of the export file (and making a backup)
$time = Get-Date -Format yyMMddhhmmss
Copy-Item $xFile -Destination ($xFile + "_" + $time)
$s = Get-Content $xFile

## Coverting all characters to their ascii code equivalent
foreach($line in $s)
{
$z = $null
$y = $line.ToCharArray()
foreach($c in $y)
{
[string]$c = $c
$char = [char]$c
$charcode = [int]$char
## Converting to readable text by offsetting by 79
if($charcode -gt 79)
{
$realCode = ($charcode - 79)
## For some reason 131 wigs the script out
## so we are ignoring that number
if($realCode -ne 131)
{
$realChar = [char](79 - $realCode)
$c = $realChar
}
}
else
{
$realCode = (79 - $charcode)
$realChar = [char](79 + $realCode)
$c = $realChar
}
$z += $c
}
## Saving your readable XML to the same location
## as your source file!
$z|Out-File ($xFile + '.xml') -Encoding ascii -Append
}

## The formatting isn't perfect, so open in a text editor
## to read (a browser will likely throw errors).

Wordle: It's Cloudy with a Chance of TiVo

2012-06-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

I just recently discovered a neat little online thing called “Wordle”. What it does is create things called “word clouds” from any RSS feed (mass of text) you give it -- with the more frequent words being larger. For example, when I pointed it to the feed for this blog, it generated an interesting amalgamation of words.

It's Time to Know Just TiVo?

Since “TiVo” was the largest word, I have apparently used that word more often than any other. Who knew, right? I mean sure, I loves me some TiVo, but I didn’t think I used TiVo in so many posts. Did I mention I have owned no less than six TiVo’s over the years? Because I have. Owned. Six TiVo’s. I wonder what my TiVo’s are up to now? TiVo, TiVo, everywhere, and not a TiVo to TiVo. Anyway, that’s enough about TiVo.Back to Wordle....

If yours looks like this
you're doing it wrong.

There are a lot of options one can set after they have generated their word cloud. Don’t like the color scheme? You can change it. Want to make sure the word “jihad” doesn’t appear the cloud, you can exclude it.

One of the more interesting options is called “Do Not Use Common Words” (it’s disabled by default). I know, it’s one of those “double negative” options that UI devs hate, but that’s what they went with. When enabled it basically tells the cloud generator: “Don’t not exclude words like ‘the’, ‘is’, ‘a’, etc”. When I un-disabled that option I got a much different cloud. Then I started playing with other sites, just to see what I would get. You should try it. It was a very exciting experience! Then again, I don't get out much.

Give Wordle a try and make the world a better place.

Graduated Cylinder

2012-06-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember blogging? I used to blog like a hundred blogs every day. Honest, I did. But then I stopped. But I am going to start again. I am restarting my blog postification right.....now. So, why did I stop in the first place you ask? You did ask right? Because I could have sworn I heard you mutter something. Let's just say you asked. Well, since you asked, I will tell you. I have not had the time. Not much of a story I admit, but you did ask.

I have relit the sultry flame of my blogging passion for a good reason. My oldest daughter just completed the last of her 13 years of K-12, state-mandated, federally-funded education -- colloquially referred to as "graduating from high school". Since I know that there is at least one person out there that constantly checks my blog, day after day, for a new post (I'm looking at you Chris), I figured I'd bloginate about it. You are welcome. I made a video of the ceremony and everything.

Her Gramma had a grad party for her a couple weeks ago, and her Mum and I had our own party for her just last week. Altogether the little snot scored like $400, AND a bunch a cool gifts. What the flip?! Sure, everyone loves Michaela, but come on! Hey, you know why you love her? Because she exists. And why is that? Because HER PARENTS took care of her for something like 18 years! And what did we get? Jack crap, that's what! I mean, we bought her clothes, let her live in the house, and gave her food almost every day. What a rook. Did I mention how much money she got? Because it was a lot. She also got a desk and some cool Portal stuff. I wish I had a desk. Well, I do...but still....

"Here you go Dad. You deserve it....NOT!"

I just hate that she got all the stuff. I wish her Mum and I got something. Like maybe, I don't know, a time machine? Then we could go back to when she was a baby. You know what I hate even more? That she is growing up and that I am getting old. Not that I am some sentimental sissy or anything, no-sirree! I am stone inside. That's what they call me, "Old Stone Inside..er, Guy". Yep! Ask anyone. Go ahead, I'll wait....

Oh, who am I kidding? I love her and am proud of her, I guess. Did you know she is only third person in my side of the family to graduate from high school? I know, it's pretty cool. She is a great daughter and, despite my best efforts, a better person than I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to my room to not look at her old baby pictures and not get emotional. Hey look! My desk....they grow up so fast *sniff*. Desks that is. Not little girls. Because I am totally unmoved by the passing of time and thoughts of moments passed that....will never come again. Must. Resist. Don't think of any Justin Roberts song....ah crap. Curse you associative memory and how you are impacted by linear nature of time!

I also have a son who, God willing, will graduate in a few years as well. Then I get to go through all this again. How much you wanna bet he gets two desks. Pffftt! Stupid desks and their stupid....well, desks are just stupid that's all.

Snowpocalypse 2012

2012-01-29T15:21:00.000-08:00

Michaela prefers to observe the snow rather that actually interact with it in any way.

We had our first bit of snow for the 2012 season. It was fun. The kids' schools were closed, so they played outside (sort of). They made (or at least attempted to make) a snowman and went sledding down our little hill. I believe there was even a snowball thrown at some point. You know, you're typical American snow event. Super awesome family funtime. But it got better. After the snow we had...more snow. Along with this additional snow came multiple power outages. Irritating, yes. But you know what? It was all worth it because after it all, it snowed...again -- and it kept snowing for another four swearing-goes-here days. We ended up with about a foot. Hardly anything compared a lot of places in the country, I know. But it was the worst snow storm in decades around here. It eventually came to be called Snowpocalypse 2012.

Despite everything else, it sure was pretty.

It reminded me of a time in 2005. My family and I were visiting Los Angeles and they had a severe rain storm lasting several hours (I found out later LA was experiencing the worst rainy season in years). It was quite the cloudburst, but nothing unlike Seattle sees a every year. We can deal with that kind of rainstorm around here. But not in LA, nosiree. Traffic came to stop. The local freeways had over a foot of standing water in some places. There were reports of multiple fatal car accidents. All because of a few hours' rain. They just didn't have the drainage or infrastructure to handle it. I guess it's the same with us and snowstorms. We just are not set up for this much snow all at once, to wit, we were home bound for over a week. So much so, that even Becky blogged about it.

You better watch it cosmos. I am on to you.

At one point during this storm we had a transformer explode (no, not that kind of transformer...honestly, grow up). It went up right in our front year and lit up the sky with a blue flash. This last little "gift from the cosmos" pushed so much juice through my house it nuked thousands of dollars worth of my electronics. My precious, precious electronics. I contacted my insurance people; we will see how that turns out. All I know is the stupid cosmos with its stupid....I don't know, face? Do cosmoses have faces? Whatever it has, it had better hope my homeowner insurance pays the claim or, well, accidents happen all the time, cosmos. Sometimes things like, say, universe annihilating singularities. It could happen. Look it up. Stupid cosmos...

To Live and Slowly Spin in a Circle in LA

2012-01-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

This time of year is always a bit weird for me. Due to the Christmas* and New Years** holidays occurring during the winter of the autumn and the spring of the winter (along with their corresponding 4-day weekends), I find myself with an abundance of unallocated hours to fill. To battle the onset of cabin fever, I usually start actively looking for projects around day 5. Something, anything, to occupy my copious free time. Things were especially cabin-feverish this year due to my timely acquisition of a nasty cold that kept me indoors even more than usual (the outside world is strange and frightening to me).

So, to stave off my slow descent into insanity, I decided to take on the task of going through the of hours videos that had accumulated over the last few years. Since I have this nifty 2TB NAS at home, I have gotten into the bad habit of just storing all my footage there...and promptly forgetting about it. Once I starting digging for videos the edit, I found most were just home movies from vacations and whatnot. But I did find a couple of really interesting things. One in particular was footage of the whirlwind trip my wife and I had taken around LA a few years ago.

Resistance isn't futile, but you probably won't remember it's here.

Work sent me off to attend the Adobe MAX conference a couple years back and, since it was being held in sunny California, my wife came along so we could see the sights together after the conference. We were put up in the Westin Bonaventure hotel in LA for the duration. You may have never heard of this place (I know I sure hadn’t). But I'd bet dollars to donuts that you've seen it before. It has been the backdrop in several big-budget movies including True Lies (remember the ‘horse in the elevator’ scene?) and Line of Fire (remember the ‘John Malkovich falling to his death from the elevator’ scene?). But, even cooler than that, is the 4-star restaurant and bar that makes up the entire top floor. We went there for dinner and got to see all of downtown LA in just over an hour. While most of LA is filthy and depressing, those few city blocks of gleaming towers was clean and, well, it was clean. At least I think it was...we went there for dinner so it was dark. I’ll just give LA the benefit of the doubt and say it was sparkling clean and filled with rainbows and the laughter of children. Sure, that works. But back to the spinny-aroundy restaurant...

While we ate, I thought it would cool to capture a revolution on film. My first choice was the American Revolution, but my wife said that one ended a while ago. That was kind of a bummer. However, since the restaurant was spinning anyway, I decided to file that revolution instead. So I set the camera on the table, pointed it out the window, and left it there until we were done. What I ended up with was an 80-minute video file. When I got home, I moved it to my NAS device -- having never actually watched the footage. That was the summer of 2009.

I just took a look at it a few days ago and found it fascinating. I was a bit disappointed with the auto-focus as there are sections where it would focus on the reflection in the window instead of the background. But most of the 80 minutes is razor sharp and looks really nice. I didn’t really feel like uploading an 80GB file to YouTube, so I ran it through Adobe Premier. I increased the speed by about 800%, bringing the total runtime to less than nine minutes (and drastically decreasing the size of the file). I took this with an HD camcorder, leaving it at its native resolution. This means you can watch it in 1080p if you want (i.e. looks great in full screen mode). My favorite part is watching all the cars buzzing around at high speed. It gives the whole thing a real ‘luxury sports car commercial’ feel.

*Contains less than 5% real Christ.
**Now with 25% more Janus!

Go Small with Amazon Prime

2011-12-31T13:23:00.001-08:00

Scenario:
You need a couple of SATA cables so you go to Amazon and find a 2-pack for less than $3.00.

Yep. It's a thing.

Problem:

Shipping to your home would cost more than $3.00, and you would have to wait up to a week to get them (also, you are too lazy and/or cheap to drive to the local Best Buy and buy them there for $6.00).

"Solution":
Add more stuff to your order. Let's see...what to get? Say..what's this? A 12-pack of Worthington FriChick? The premiere product in the canned vegetable-protein-and-egg-whites-based chicken-flavored food product industry? Selling for less than $60.00? SOLD! Totally worth it? Probably not. All you know is you now have enough in your cart to qualify for free standard chicken, er, shipping. Yeah, it will take five days to get here, but man, that compressed vegetable-egg product is gonna be sweet (and by 'sweet', you mean 'wet and salty').

Solution:
Join Amazon Prime and get your $3.00 cables delivered in two days for no charge. Duh.

This young man was voted
'Most Likely to be Recycled'

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You're are thinking of that dream you had last night. You know, that really weird one where you were giving an oral book report on Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret. in front of your 5th grade class? Except all the students were replaced by inanimate carbon rods and your teacher was naked and consisted entirely of existential angst? Yeah, that dream. I know all about that one. You really should talk to a professional about that. But that's no all you are thinking...

You are also thinking, ‘How can some Amazonian Autobot get me free 2-day shipping on a something so cheap?' Well, Danny Doubtalot, if you would stop having creepy teacher fantasies for five minutes, I’ll tell you what Amazon Prime is.

Amazon Prime is the code name for America's daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Wait, no....that’s not right. Forget that.

What Amazon Prime actually does is provide:

Free 2-day shipping on any "Prime Eligible" item (most things are)
Overnight shipping upgrade for $3.99/product (even on Saturday!)

What's really great is you can get the above benefits for free using a Amazon Mom or Amazon Student membership. Sure, you need to have had babies or be some freeloading student to qualify but, given your recurring dreams, you probably are so go for it. The benefit gets longer if you are willing to part with $79 a year. If you have a paid Prime membership you also get:

Access to all Amazon Instant Videos (i.e. streaming movies & TV)
Use of the Amazon Kindle Lending Library (I've used this a couple times myself -- it works well)
Share you Prime benefits with up to four members of your household

Now, if you are don't own a Kindle or watch a lot of streaming movies (and if you qualify) just go for one of the free memberships. If you are the kind of person who only makes a few Amazon orders a year, then you probably shouldn't bother with Prime at all.

But for me, with my numerous Amazon orders for small things several times a month, my Kindle, and my incredibly ~~sedentary~~ active lifestyle, a paid membership to Amazon Prime is more than worth it.

Review: The Body Back Buddy. It's not for anything gross.

2011-12-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

The Body Back Buddy.
Brought to you by the Letter 'S'
(but not the letters 'E' or 'X')

My friends all laugh when I show them this thing (or at least they would if they ever come over). I ask them to guess what it is and I get things like "It it a yard ornament?", or "Um......a sex toy?". Then I would say "What!? That's gross!". Then they laugh and say, "Yeah...no seriously, is it a sex toy?". That's usually when I ask them to leave. Perverts.

But for the few friends that aren't sickos, I will tell them what it actually does. They are dubious at first; at least until I let them use it. Then I see their eyes roll back in their heads and I hear groans of relief (again, I want to emphasize, this is not a sex toy). In short, they find that it really does work!

I think the hardest part is learning how to hold the thing. You look at it and think "What the flip are all these knobs for?" and "Did you buy this at the 'Lovers' store down the street? Because I am not using it if you did.", and then, "I don't think I can use this with a clean conscience.". However, it comes with this little book to show you how to use it (in a way that won't get you arrested). It's like having an LMT at my disposal. Both my wife and I ~~are~~ were going to a massage therapist as often as twice a month, at something like $70 a pop (though our co-pay was only $15). Not anymore (probably)! I can hook this thing over my shoulder and put pressure that spot on my back that is always tight. You know, "that" spot? The one place on your whole body you can't reach with your hands? Yeah, that spot.

My only complaint is there are a few places where the plastic molding seam creates a sharp edge. It can make those areas unusable because, you know, it hurts. I can sand them down, but that should have been done before shipping. But other than that irritation, the Body Back Buddy is the bomb (that's still a thing right?).

Asperger's Syndrome Causes Outbreak of Red-Squigglies

2011-11-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was recently using Google Docs to continue work on my Masters thesis. That is to say, a document that will, one day, become my Masters thesis...probably. Right now it’s not really a thesis per se; really more of a collegiate-level essay. Truth be told, in its current form it’s little more than formal letter responding to the Cease and Desist letter I received last week from Justin Bieber's attorney.
Apparently, some of the “comments” I posted in one of his fan forums were seen as “inappropriate”. I still don’t know what the big deal was. All I said was that I was planning on coming by his place at night, snipping off a lock of his hair while he slept, and then taking said hair home so I could hot glue it to my Justin Bieber Japanese love pillow. And you know what else? Justin didn’t even have the decency to write me himself. He claims (though his attorney) that I am a “stalker” and that he doesn’t “know me”. Really, Justin? Then why do I have the pillow, Justin...why do I have the pillow? I’d say I know you pretty well. But fine; I’m “sorry” I you thought my comments were disturbing and “clearly illegal”. Like you don’t have a love pillow of me in your windowless basement. You’ve changed man....it used to be about the pillows. But I am getting off topic. Let’s just move on....

Anyway, whilst writing this “document” I came across something both humorous and kind of sad. It seemed that most spell-checkers, be they within an installed application or online, had never had the word “Asperger’s” (with or without the apostrophe) added to their dictionary databases.

I found this out while typing a little quip I try to weave into every court-ordered letter I write: “I grew up thinking I was a sociopath. Turned out I was only autistic. So you see, it’s not illegal because I have Asperger’s Syndrome.”.

Well, when I typed the word "Asperger’s", it was immediately flagged as a misspelling. The word Google Chrome suggested as the correct spelling? “Supercharger’s”. That was weird, I thought. So I removed the apostrophe to see if it would recognize it then. But it still It came up as wrong. But this time the suggestion was different: "Supergrass". No joke! I was all like ‘What the what?!’ Anyway, that got me to thinking how other spell checkers might interpret Aspergers. The following is the results of my empirical research.

Suggested corrections when typing “Asperger’s Syndrome”:

Word (and other MS Office apps): “Asperger’s Syndrome” [not flagged] (way to go Microsoft!)
Chrome: “Supercharger’s Syndrome” (complete with a sweet Holley Double Pumper carb)
Firefox: “Gasper’s Syndrome” (GASP!)
Hotmail & SharePoint Server 2007: “Asperser’s Syndrome” (as in 'one who asperses'?)
Google Docs & Gmail: “Spurge’s Syndrome” (wins award for 'Worst Syndrome Name Ever')
Notepad++ (ASpell): “Aspirer's Syndrome” (no, Notepad++, you don't get an award too)
Adobe Illustrator (CS5.1): “Asperses’s Syndrome” (from one of Adobes’s flagship titles, no less)

Suggested corrections when typing “Aspergers Syndrome” (with no apostrophe):

Word (and other MS Office apps): “Asperger’s Syndrome” (BOOYAH! Two for two! Props to the devs at Microsoft!)

Chrome: “Supergrass Syndrome” (no, it's not some new kind of cannabis....it's even weirder)

Firefox: “Gasper Syndrome” (changed it to the singular form for some reason)

Hotmail & SharePoint Server 2007: “Aspersers Syndrome” (what did Emerson say about foolish consistencies?)

Google Docs & Gmail: “Aspires Syndrome” (Google lives in a negapostrophe universe?)

Notepad++ (ASpell): “Aspirer's Syndrome” (if you like consistent errors, Notepad++ is for you)

Adobe Illustrator (CS5.1): “Asperses Syndrome” (at least they were wrong in sort of the same way...)

In a particularly interesting bit of metafail, several of the suggestions were themselves seen as errors by the other apps on the list. For example, SharePoint, Hotmail, and Illustrator all suggested "Asperses’s" (or "Asperses") as the "right" way to spell Asperger's. But Google Chrome flagged both versions of that word misspelled. For the former it suggested "Exasperated", and for the latter the suggestions was...wait for it..."Aspell". It's about this time that my head exploded. One final note before we leave you. Though Internet Explorer is everyone's favorite browser-to-hate, it was the only browser that didn't get it wrong. Now, that's entirely due to the fact that IE has no built-in spell check feature, but you can't get it wrong if you don't raise their hand, right?. Coincidence? Probably.

Thinkgeek: What's this all aboot?

2011-09-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Thinkgeek invented this.
Invented it. With their minds.

My favorite website on the whole entire Cyberwebz is Thinkgeek is my favorite site on the Interwebz. Srsly. I have been a regular customer of theirs for well over a decade. Bestest stuff evah. You know those shirts I always wear? The ones you never "get" -- despite their obvious jocularity? I bought them all at Thinkgeek.

And here's even more bits to add to their pile of weirdness (or awesomeness, depending on your worldview). The first was an email I received from them just this morning. It was encouraging me to take a "short survey". I dutifully answered all the questions in their "Super Awesome Survey" and found them to be, of course, smarmy and (sortof) clever. I've taken their surveys before, so it was nothing new. But this time I noticed the survey was hosted by Google Docs. Maybe they've been the whole time, but I have noticed until now...not sure. Either way I thought it was interesting, given how much of Thinkgeek's merchandise is Apple-centric. I guess those aren't really universally exclusive; I just thought is was odd.

Due to their diet, the citizens of Ontario
are actually orange. True story.

The other, much more interesting, thing (at least to me) was the current contest they are running. They promise to award a $100 Thinkgeek gift certificate to three randomly selected people who use some of their "Geek Points" to make a purchase ("Geek Points" are what Thinkgeek calls their customer rewards program). Again, that's nothing extraordinary. However, I took a stroll through the contest fine print and found this fascinating clause:

"Should the Winner be a citizen of Canada, the Winner’s Agreement and Release will include a mathematical skill-testing question. Before being declared a Canadian Winner, the answer to the skill-testing question must be verified. U.S. and other participants are not required to answer the skill-testing question."

What the what!? I thought this was a joke at first. Or at least a poor attempt at one. But a quick Google search revealed that it was, in fact, an actual legal requirement. So, along with all their hilarious 'aboots' and alarmingly high levels of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese consumption (for real...look it up), the Canadian law code states that all contests need to contain some element of skill. It seems that any truly random prize drawing is considered a form of gambling. Because, you know, I always see those compulsive gamblers repeatedly calling KCAN trying to win free ($8) BTO tickets from "The Jake and Bulldog Morning Slamajama". All this and they have the Queen of England on their colorful (aka 'openly gay') money? Honestly, sometimes Canada seems just a few serviettes short of a davenport. It's no wonder that even their own national anthem sounds disappointed in them. Oh, Canada....
Lastly, I am contractually obligated to use the term 'Eh?' in all my Canada-themed posts. So I just did.

Developmentally Delayed

2011-09-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have been sinking my teeth into more dev work and less admin work of late. I really can’t believe I never ventured into development before. I had put my toe in the water a few times, but now I am getting really close the considering myself a “developer”. I am actually kind of embarrassed that it took me this long to get into it. Kind of like that time I put off hanging up a bird house for two months, only to find that what I thought would be a “project” ended up taking less than five minutes.

But with regard to my stunted professional growth, I think it’s because I’ve been working in the systems administration world for so long (coming up on 20 years). As a result I have become, well, as great man once said, “exceedingly proficient at it”. It’s easy and it’s comfortable. That, plus the fact that I am not really a “trying new things” kind of person, seems to have been keeping me from really reaching out for something more challenging. Sadly, that’s kind of a recurring theme for me...but I digress. But that’s not me now. Whenever I see an opportunity now, I charge it like a bull. Mike the Bull, that's me now. I have friends who live and die by the actuarial tables and I say ‘hey, it's all one big crap shoot anyhoo’. Am I right, or am I right, or am I right? Say, have you ever heard of single premium life? Because I think that really might be the ticket for you....

Sorry. They’ve been playing Groundhog Day a lot on Starz and I think I’ve sat through it too many times. Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

PowerShell
It's greater than underscore...apparently.

The language I am using now is one based upon the Windows .NET framework, namely PowerShell. It’s object-based and easier for newbies like me to get into. Plus, since it’s native to Windows, any tools created with it can be used in many different places. The last application I completed was a small utility that can be used to query against Active Directory (AD). This wasn’t as straightforward as I thought it would be. Initially all management wanted me to do was create a tool to list all the AD users within a particular Organizational Unit (OU) that did not have a roaming profile. No problem, I thought. Heck, I could that with a simple batch file. But then the so-called ‘feature creep’ began. They also wanted a way to limit results. Oh, and can you make it so we can see users’ home directories too? Sure, I guess so... But the on feature that finally pushed this from ‘simple batch file’ to ‘PowerShell application’ was when they asked for the whole thing to have an graphic user interface (GUI). That meant they wanted something that a non-technical user could use with little to no training (i.e. a .NET application). A workmate, who has been coding for years (in various languages -- including PowerShell), had been pushing me to start working with PowerShell for quite some time. He promised to mentor me if I would venture into this, heretofore unexplored, territory. He introduced me to helpful coding tools like PowerGUI Script Editor and various custom cmdlets (pronouced “command-lettes”) freely available from Quest. This seemed like a good opportunity to take him up on his offer, so I opened up a script editor and went to work. That was back in March.

Just last month (August) I finally finished my first application! I took my time (obviously), but now it works perfectly. It can do all the stuff management asked for and I was even able to engineer some decent error handling. It’s very simple but I really like seeing my coworkers using a tool that I made to fit their specific purpose.

Now I am well into making my next application. It will be a made to ‘hook into’ our Adobe Connect server. The Connect environment has an API designed specifically so developers (like me...squeee!) can leverage information better than the built-in Connect GUI offers. So far I have it working pretty well, but only from the command line. There is no GUI or error handling yet. While it is still taking longer than it would for a seasoned developer, I am finding I am making progress much faster this time. When I get the app done, maybe I will post the code here so ~~my Mom~~ all my readers can see it.

Four Months Later, Comcast Does the Right Thing

2011-08-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

You may have read my post a few months ago about Comcast and their adorable billing error. In short, my monthly bill was about $170. One month I decided to add their Wireless WAN (Internet2Go), some more HD channels, and get premium channels. Came to about $110 worth of additional services, or $280 a month. But when I got my next bill it was for $410. Needless to say, I was more than a little irritated (if you want to read all the gory details, go nuts).

Well, I am pleased to say Comcast finally did the honorable thing, and it only took four months! Instead of writing another novel about each hurdle, let me just summerize. Maybe this can help someone else in the future. Here’s what I had to do:

Submit (more than one) message via the Comcast customer service website
Getting no response after several days
Posting my complaints on Twitter (Seriously Comcast? Seriously??)
Getting a response within six hours from @ComcastCares telling me they were going to “look into it” and asking me to email some Comcast bigwig my account number (which I did..several times)
(See Step 2)
(See Step 3)
(See Step 4)
(See Step 2)
Filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau
Getting a phone call the next day from a really nice, albeit mostly powerless, woman working as a Comcast “Executive Customer Care” representative.
(See Step 2)
Getting an email from the aforementioned CSR promising to help fix this problem
(See Step 2)
(See Step 12)
Getting a direct email from William "Bill" Gerth, some Comcast blogger dude presumably hired to “connect with today’s hip young people” (and the man behind @ComcastCares) who promised to “have it looked into by our billing specialist”
(See Step 2)
Filing separate complaints with both Washington state Attorney General’s Office (AGO) and the Pennsylvania AGO (Comcast corporate headquarters is in Philadelphia)
Spending over four months in email correspondence with the same CSR and getting essentially nowhere (though I must mention again, she was pretty cool)
Getting the issue resolved

What's that you say? Only nineteen easy steps? Yessirree! It's just that simple.

We are Comcast. We love you.

Seriously though, the fact that Comcast provides pretty poor customer service is no secret. There are entire web sites dedicate to little else. I won’t link to them here, but just do Google search for ‘comcastsucks’ (no space) ...good times. But I had been a Comcast customer (off and on) for many years and never really had a problem (well, maybe one other time). But you know how when a baby doesn’t poo for three days? You just know you are gonna get the ‘mother load’ eventually, right? Well Comcast must have saving it up for a while because I hit the jackpoo. This was a massive billing error and I’d be darned if I was going to just roll over pay it. Their initial offer of appeasement was the $100 “courtesy credit” I mentioned in my earlier post. I told them I appreciated to the offer, but I would not be paying my bill until the massive over-billing issue was explained and corrected. I told the CSR:

“...in a court of law, paying a merchant is considered to be tacit acknowledgement that the billed amount is correct. Hence, I will withholding payment of the bill pending resolution.”

I had no idea of that was true, but it sounded good and I needed some rationale for not paying the $400+ bill. In any case, I slowly made progress. I think I did a few things that really helped reach a peaceful resolution and while still coming out on top.

Don't Be a Total Jag

If you look like this,
you're doing it wrong.

I made a deliberate point to never become belligerent or combative. That’s the mistake a lot of people make in these types of situations. They blow up and immediately lose the moral high ground. Most professionals will make an extra effort for someone who also behaves professionally. But once you go off the rails with expletives, veiled threats, etc., they're done with you. And speaking of veiled threats, another pitfall I avoided was never playing the “I’m gonna sue!!” card. While I leveraged some legal procedure by involving two AGO’s, I never threatened legal action. I have seen people do that in the past, and it's usually just a fact track to not-getting-what-you-want-ville. Once a lawsuit is threatened, a multi-billion dollar company will likely drop the matter entirely and wait for the lawsuit paperwork to arrive. Now if you happen to have to resources to hire a lawyer and spend a long time trudging through the legal system, sure -- sue the pants of ‘em. But if you are that well-to-do you probably won’t want to spend that much time contesting a couple of hundred bucks. Or maybe you will...I don’t know. The point is, I don’t have that kind of money and had to play it cool.

Avoid Actual Human Interaction

If you look like this,
you're doing it wrong.

Another thing that saved my bacon was using ‘chat support’ when requested most of the new services (I had added the Wireless WAN at the local Comcast office in person). This was purely accidental -- I just didn’t feel like talking with any off-shore, ESL support people that decade. However, having used chat in lieu of a phone call left me with something that turned out to be critical to this situation: chat transcripts. As you may have read in my earlier post, the people I chatted with gave me no less than three different quotes. I had no idea which one was correct, but when I contested my bill, there was no “I am pretty sure I was told...” or “I don’t remember the name of the person I talked to, but...”. This was all spelled out in the transcripts. When I submitted my various official complaints I made sure to attach the transcripts to support my claim. I think those transcripts were the single biggest factor in getting Comcast to give me more than just a ‘gee whiz we’re really sorry’.

But all that said, I was happy with the eventual outcome. Over the four months I received various credits totaling totaling nearly $500 and I was offered discounted service for two years -- if I signed a contract (it will save me $1200 over the contract term, so I figured it was worth it and signed). In all that’s $1700 that I won’t have to pay Comcast. The really sad part is, if they had just taken 10 minutes and corrected the bill, it could have saved them over a thousand dollars and kept me as a happy customer for some time. But, as things went, I seriously doubt I will be using Comcast come 2013.

Arabic District Convention - 2011

2011-08-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

The 2011 Convention theme

We just returned from attending an Arabic-language District Convention in Southern California. What an encouraging experience in was! Though conventions such as these are offered worldwide, in dozens upon dozens of languages, the US has currently only a single convention in Arabic. We considered it a real privilege to attend this one. The convention site was (and presumably still is) over 1200 miles away and the costs are pretty significant -- at least for us. Though it was cheaper to drive than fly, it wasn't cheap. But even so, it was quite something is see all the other folks who also took a road trip to get there. Many of them drive much farther than we did. I took a stroll through the parking lot and found there were cars with plates from Florida, Georgia, and even New York. I think our sacrifice to make it was pretty inconsequential when compared to theirs.

But back to the convention. It was great spending three days fully immersed in the language! Well, almost fully immersed. The highlight of the convention was each day’s final talk. Each one was delivered by Guy Pierce. His talks were given in English while being translated, one sentence at a time, by one of the native Arabic speaking attendees. I had never seen a talk delivered that way before and it was quite impressive.

Great to find that most of our friends could make it this year!

I remember the first time we attended this convention. It was way back in the summer of 2008; only a few months after we began learning the language. It was a different time ten -- a simpler time. A gallon of gas was only four dollars. The US was engaged in a mere two simultaneous wars. And it was still “not cool” to find the death of Michael Jackson hilarious (that changed about three weeks later). We packed up two weeks’ worth of underwear and drove south (we made sure to pack more clothes this year). At the 2008 convention we didn't understand much. Hardly more than a few sentence fragments. We didn’t get anything measurable in the way of spiritual instruction. One thing we did come away with however, was a real desire to come back the following year. Sadly, it was not to be. We just didn’t have the resources to make the trip in 2010. Even though were were able to make to the (much smaller) Arabic Circuit Assembly in 2010, it didn’t really compare to the convention.

Of course you're smiling. You don't have to drive for six days.

So we made sure to make it this year. Totally worth it! Having a couple more years of Arabic under our jellabiya, we were able understand a lot more of the program.. Certainly not enough to fully keep up, but a lot more than we did in 2008. Not to mention the psychological factor. Last time we went I had yet to begin my personal journey toward mental health. But this time my trifecta of mental “issues” had been under treatment for over a year. It let me actually enjoy the sessions. Turns out, things like this are a lot more fun when one isn’t spending all their waking hours vacillating between being Captain Angrypants and Mister Autistical. But that’s a tale for another day...

Just your typical roadside herd of elk

We got to see a few of the sites along the way too. We had made the drive to SoCal quite a few times over the years. In the past we had taken either I-5 or Highway 101. This time we tried something new and decided to take Highway 1 (also known as the Pacific Coast Highway). I had heard/read it was a beautiful drive, but that it was not to be taken lightly. Holy cow, whoever said/wrote that wasn't exaggerating! I didn’t know it was possible to make a 190-degree turn. I can only imagine how treacherous it would to drive at night or in inclement weather. There were some turns that had to be taken at less then 15mph, lest one launch themselves into the icy embrace of the Pacific ocean. Despite that, I loved the drive. Every mile had something amazing to see: the massive redwood trees, the wildlife, and of course the ocean. Of all the places we stopped, the two I would recommend the most are the Sea Lion Caves near Florence, Oregon and The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, California.

The Sea Lion Caves

And this is what you get to see before you see the giant cave of sea lions.

I figured this would be a bunch of man-made “caves” with sea lion in cages. Yeah, not so much. When say “Sea Lion Caves” , they aren’t kidding. From the road it looks like a smallish gift-shop, but it’s what you can’t see from the road that’s really awesome. Once we paid the admission we exited out the back and walked down a path to the elevator. Elevator?? We were already a stones throw from the beach. The elevator took us down another 200 feet. As soon as the elevator doors opened, it was obvious what all the fuss was about. The Sea Lion Caves are actually gigantic, naturally occurring caves teeming with sea lions! It was absolutely amazing. I have never seen anything like it. I we had had the time, we would have stayed for hours.

The Mystery Spot

Old people are funny

Do you think things like gravity and geometry are just fanciful stories made up to scare children? Have you ever tried to ski up a mountain? If so, I weep for you, your family, and the burden they carry to look after you. However, if you have ever thought “I would gladly pay $5.00 to park my car and then pay another $6.00 to see that.”, then have I got the place for you! It’s The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, California. It’s like an optical illusion come to life.

They offer guided tours of the eponymous ‘spot’ that is located on a steep hill. The story is mysterious forces are at work there. The entire tour consisted of walking up a steep hill to two small cabins where the “laws of physics don’t apply”. It’s true too. While I was there I totally hooked up with Thermodynamics, right in from of everyone. And then, I totally knifed some uppity dude named Inertia right in the throat and just walked away. I kid you not.

Heading Home

We came back about 87% hipper

On the way home we skipped Highway 1 and just took boring old I-5. Nothing is quite as exhilarating as driving in a perfectly straight line for hours. The only thing we saw that even came close to ‘beautiful’ was the occasional dust devil. Fun Fact: The term ‘dust devil’ comes from an ancient Navajo word ‘Doost Deevl’ which, when translated literally, means “Steamin’ Mad at Dirt”(r). I am one-hundred percent, completely serious.

Anyway, we made it home a few days later safe and sound. Despite leaving our house complely unoccupied for almost two weeks, everything was fine when we got home. Say what you want about my neighbors (and I have, a lot), they do know how to mind their own beeswax. Probably has some connection to the police cars I see parked near there a few times a month. In any regard, it’s nice to be sleeping in our own beds again. Here’s hoping we get to go next year too!

2011 Ford Fusion Hybrid - The First 2000 Miles - Part II

2011-08-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

I came for foliage. I stayed for mileage.

Okay, first of all, I had this entire post written. I had spent hours on it. But I lost it before I could click publish. I had selected all the text (to change the font) and inadvertently hit backspace. Then, faster than you could say “Ctrl+z”, Blogger politely 'autosaved' my draft thereby permanently obliterating my post. Hence, this one will probably be somewhat terse. Too bad too...I was pretty proud of what I had written. Stupid Blogger.

Anyway, here’s Part II of my review of the 2011 Ford Fusion Hybrid. As I went on and on about in Part I, the mileage is the most amazing feature (for a car of its size) and was the primary reason I bought the car in the first place. But there are other things, both good and less than good, about this car that also deserve mention.

Microsoft Sync: By Your Command

Don't make me cut you man.

The Microsoft Sync system has been around for a few years now. Having never driven a Sync-enabled car before, I was not sure what to expect. I knew it did all that voice recognition stuff, but that was about it. Now that I have used Sync for a few thousand miles, I have to say, I am more than a little impressed. With merely my voice I can command an entire army of shiny, ray-gun toting, robot warriors.

And you know what else? They all carry swords. Swords. Do you know why robots with laser rifles, space fighters, and a clearly minimal range of movement need carry swords? Well, why did Darth Vader have a cape? Why do fighter planes have wings? I’ll tell you why, mister. Because it’s awesome. And with regard to Cylons, probably because Glen A. Larson had some kind of domination fetish. I have no proof of course, but why is nobody asking this question?

Anyway, after I was done playing ‘Adama and the Cylonauts’, I found Sync could even process commands given to non-fictional armies. What an age we live in! There’s this little button on the steering wheel and, when pressed, I was prompted by this sexy voice to “Say your command”. I have to admit that I was aroused intrigued by this. I found that I could control everything from my iPod to the cabin A/C with only voice commands. There are physical buttons, sure. But why would I want to reach all the way to the dashboard and push the “on” button for the heater, when I could just push the Sync button and enjoy some deft repartee with Samantha (seriously, that’s the name Microsoft gave her). Once you turn Samantha on (giggle), she begins:

Samantha: “Say your command”
Me: “Climate”
Samantha (confirming command): “Climate”
Me(uncertain): “Um, make it warmer?”
Samantha: “I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize the command"
Me: “Oh Samantha, you’re such a tease.”
Samantha: “Well, I aim to please.”
Me: “You have a gift for rhyme.”
Samantha: “Yes, yes, some of the time.”
My Wife (irritated): “Enough of that.”
Me(ignoring my wife): “Samantha, are there wrecks ahead?”
Samantha (with faux gravitas): “If there are, we all be dead.”
My Wife (clearly getting annoyed): “No more rhymes now, I mean it!”
Me: “Anybody want a peanut?”

Then Samantha and I laugh and laugh. Ah, that reminds of that one summer on the beach. We really had some ‘peanuts’ back then, didn’t we Samantha? I’m sorry I never wrote. But I’m with someone else now, and well, you know how it is. I tried using Google Maps to send you letters a couple of times. But they were all returned in the form of Cease and Desist letters from the Google legal department. Speaking of odd bedfellows, here’s another Sync features I really like...

Google Maps Integration: Sponsored by Microsoft...wait, what?

Phil? Phil Connors? Google Maps!

For some reason (Bing sucks) Microsoft decided to use Google Maps for their online integration. The integration allows you to visit Google Maps, find a destination, and use the ‘send’ feature to upload the address to your Sync-enabled car. Once back in your car you connect to the Sync services via your paired phone and are immediately informed about the newly available destination. A warbled female voice (I assume Samantha’s grandmother, let’s call her Agatha) asks you if you would like this address set as your current destination or if you would like to keep it as a “saved point” for later use.

Assuming you choose the former, there is this weird silence (or you may hear Agatha tell you not to use your phone during the upload). A few seconds later your hear Samantha returns saying: “Download complete. You may now use your phone.”. Gee, thanks a lot your majesty. She is so bossy. But, the typical Samantha ‘tude notwithstanding, I think it’s a pretty cool feature.

Text Messages: On the Read Again

If you driving and get a phone call, no problem. You can just answer it (hopefully) with your hands-free device. But what if you get a text message? I can’t speak for all smartphones, but most won’t read the text message to you. At least not without you having to physically grab your phone and tell it to do so. But my sweetheart Samantha will. She’s so thoughtful. When I get a text on the road I hear a little ‘ding!’ and a envelope icon appears on the cars display. Then a dialog box comes up with a button saying ‘read message’. And what’s even more awesomer? I can just tell Samantha, with my mouth, to read it to me without having to do anything (other than push the Sync button on the steering wheel)! The Sync system can also recognize many lolspeak abbreviations. It will read “LOL” as “laughing out loud”, “sry” as “sorry”, etc. But it won’t read any “forbidden” words. It will just read those terms phonetically. This can provide you countless hours of entertainment (assuming you regularly get texts from 14 year old boys who play a lot of Halo). Check it out..

If your “friend” sends you a text like this:

OMG yer Masters thesis sux! I was like WTF STFU! LMAO LOLOLOL

Samantha would say something like:

Omega your Masters thesis soo-ex. I was like waatiff stoofoo. Lammaow laughing out loud out loud out loud

I know, right? How can not be the funnest thing on Earth. I was lammaowing for like an hour. So that's what happens when you get a text message. But what about sending texts? Yep, Sync can do that too. But it would fall into the “Limitations & Annoyances” category. More on that later. Speaking of morons...

Limitations & Annoyances: Pobody’s Nerfect

While the above features are only three of the many I like about my Ford’s Sync system, there are many others I could certainly live without. In addition to some unfortunate user-interface abbreviations, there are other things that are more than a little hokey. Case(s) in point...

I am actually afraid to push this button.

Sync and its inconsistent nanny settings really chap my lips. Most things can be done either with your voice or via the touchscreen. While voice commands are fine, there are many times you may not want to shout commands at your car (like when you’re are on a road trip and all the passengers are asleep). In that case, you may find yourself befuddled by how the Ford and/or Microsoft legal department engineering team implemented Sync’s behavioral controls safety features. Do you want to use the touchscreen to browse through every single one of the 3000 songs on your iPod, one at a time, while flying down the road at 65mph? No problem! But what’s that? You want to use the GPS database to search for the nearest Drive-Thru Tree (seriously, California...does the world really need more than one?). Oh, silly human, you have to be absolutely motionless to do that! So does Sync want to protect me from myself or do they want me to sue them because I wasn’t sure exactly which version of “Wicked Game” I wanted to listen to and drove into oncoming traffic whilst making up my mind? It’s a simple question Samantha. Would you eat the Moon is it was made of ribs?

With regard to the Google Maps integration, there more than one ball dropped. Or would that be ‘more than one dropped balls’? Either way it sounds weird. So anyway, Sync can only receive a destination, not an entire route. What’s more, Sync can only accept a single ‘sent’ destination at a time. So you can’t send several locations to your car and then build a route manually. When I tried to do that, only the most recently sent address was received. So if you want to take the scenic route, you apparently have only two options. You can 1) listen to Samantha constantly nag you with useless directions because you are not taking the “right” road, or 2) take your WLAN-enabled laptop to your car and spend an hour or so going through the process of sending one location, then connecting to Sync to receive it, then having it downloaded to your car, then saving that location to the GPS “address book”, then disconnecting, and doing to all again...and again...and again -- until your have all your waypoints. Oh, and then your would have to spend another chunk of time using said waypoints to build a route. In short, the Google Maps integration is great for directions to somewhere. But kind of useless for route planning. The word on the street is there are ways around this problem....keep it on the D/L.

And remember that ‘sending text messages’ thing I mentioned earlier? Well, here’s the deal: you can only send (or reply with) one of several canned statements. And each message you send is tagged with the oh-so-classy “Sent From My Ford” at the end. Some of the more cerebral canned messages are:


We have a list of approved statements....

Where R U?
Be there in 10 minutes
Stuck in Traffic
Yes
No
War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

And that’s about it. All in all, I really like the car. Since writing this post I have racked up an additional 5000 miles and I still think the car is great. As is the case with any hybrid car these days, you will pay a premium price. For most folks I doubt the fuel savings will offset the higher price. But if you do a lot of low-speed, stop and go driving like I do it just might be worth a look. Just make sure to do the math. :)

100% Recycled Dinner!

2011-06-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well, Finn moved quickly from Flu Stage I (or 'denial') to Flu Stage II (or 'more denial'). He then moved even more quickly into Flu Stage III (or 'the flu'). His mom and I had went through this earlier in the week and I knew he was going to have to deal with it eventually (and his sister after that). So I had a curt, yet loving, discussion with him regarding the subtle nuances of getting "it" in the "bucket" (or toilet as the case may be), and not on the floor. The conversation had three main points:

Toilet = GREAT
Bucket = GOOD
All Over Floor and/or Self = BAD

Well about an hour ago I was able to see how well my advice held. I think Finn should get at least half-credit for effort. After hearing him wretch for a few minutes I asked through the door, 'did you make it in the bucket?'. He whimpered, 'most of it'.

Then I got him out of his school clothes, into some vomit-approved jammie-jams, put him to bed, and proceeded to clean up the 'it' that was not part of the 'most'. It was disgusting for sure, but there's always something very paternal about doing this kind of thing when my kids are sick. It's like I am giving of myself in a very real way and....oh god...don't look at it! DON'T LOOK AT IT! Deep breaths....just put that clean towel up to your face and breath. Just pretend you are cleaning up spilled breakfast cereal...that's wet....and smells like rotting flesh. Oh boy....GAG...here it comes. No, wait. Okay, I'm good....false alarm. Hang on... yeah, good...no wait a sec... Okay. Yeah...good. Phew...

Anyhoooo, so how 'bout those sports team, eh? I bet they really did something that is in no way related to food, moisture, or mucus, yeah? Boy howdy! You know what else? Soda crackers. Yessiree!

Seriously though, it's days like this I feel most like a real dad. ^_^

2011 Ford Fusion Hybrid - The First 2000 Miles - Part I

2011-05-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

As gas prices dance about in the $4 per gallon range, my family and I have felt the pinch. When our Arabic-language moved to a congregation more than twice as far away, we knew that the monthly fuel bill would eventually have to be a factor. It came down to a choice: get a tiny, 40mpg hatchback or get a hybrid. Of course, being a tech nerd, I wanted to hybrid from the beginning. But the premium for hybrid cars was (and still is) so high. I had heard that it can take years to save enough on gas to pay for the premium paid for a hybrid car. What to do?

Our driving patterns are somewhat atypical. In addition to the daily commute that most folks deal with, we also make three (or more) 50-mile round trips every week. What's more, it's not uncommon for us to spend several consecutive hours each week driving through various residential areas looking for anyone that may speak Arabic. During these times, our speed rarely exceeds 45mph. Our existing car (2007 Dodge Caliber) would get an overall average of 26mpg. But that would drop way down to about 15 when driving those residential street. Knowing that hybrid vehicles get better mileage at lower speeds, we (that is, I) decided to got for it. We traded in the Caliber and bought a 2011 Ford Fusion hybrid.

The first 2000 miles have been an experience for sure. Up until the Fusion, I had never driven a hybrid car before. It does take a bit of getting used to. I still think it's weird to start the car and hear...nothing. While running exclusively on battery (Ford calls this 'EV' mode) the car it almost entirely silent. And to be sitting at a stop sign and have the engine suddenly shut off? That's just messed up. I mean it's by design, but still...

After I hit 2K on the odometer I found the average mileage was coming in just about the same as what Ford claimed at 36.2mpg. And the mileage can really spike when driving out in the Arabic-language search I mentioned previously. For example, take last Saturday. We took a carload of people out in the Fusion and, for those few hours, I was averaging 45mpg! The drive is smooth and almost as agile and tight at my Scion xB. I found the acceleration responsive; with only a slight, almost imperceptible, hesitation when the car switches from the gas engine to the electric motor and back. One thing the Fusion hybrid has over many other hybrid cars on the market is the electric motor's maximum speed. While other hybrids switch from electric to gas at slightly higher than 'school zone' speeds, the Fusion hybrid can achieve up to 47mph in electric only mode (or "EV Mode" as Ford calls it). Of course running the AC, climbing a hill, or jumping off the line can greatly reduce this speed. But I can get there pretty consistently get there several times.

But it's not all unibows and raincorns. There are a few things I really don't like about the Fusion. I will cover those in an upcoming post. Stay tuned!

Enabling the 'Taskbar Preview' in Firefox

2011-04-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am not a huge IE fan. Not really a Chrome guy either. Though I use all three of the major web browsers, I prefer Mozilla Firefox for my day-to-day browsing. This is primarily due to security. While all three browsers have about the same level of security in and of themselves, only Firefox allows a plug-in (called 'add-ons' in Firefox) called NoScript. This little guy lets me block scripts by default and only 'whitelist' the ones running on sites I designate as trusted. This, in my opinion, makes Firefox more secure than the other two most-commonly used web browsers.

When a customer sends me an email asking if that Russian 'photography' website is putting malware on her system, I can go there with impunity and verify it. To have the same bravado with other mainstream browsers I would need to 1) go into the settings, and then 2) disable javacript, then (afterwards) I would have to 3) go back into the settings and then 4) re-enable javascript. That's why I preferring using Firefox for my casual browsing.

See? Here in IE you can see little pictures of all the tabs. I know right?

But there is one useful feature that both IE and Chrome have that Firefox appears to lack (no not that Firefox, this Firefox): taskbar preview. What's taskbar preview you say? Well, that's a pretty dumb question since any reasonable person would infer from the title of this post that I would be telling you soon. Why would you even need to ask? Maybe that attitude is the reason you are still the Assistant Manger of that Applebees? You know, your father and I always hoped you would do better. Look at your brother Chad. He's three years younger than you and he's already a lawyer and doctor and a lawyer. That's right. He's a lawyer twice. He's just that successful. Whereas you, well, you are just a disappointment. And speaking of disappointments...

The config screen. Click for larger version.
Chad would've know that without being told.

The taskbar preview feature came onto the scene with the launch of That We Don't Speak Of (or 'Windows Vista'). It allowed one to see a small preview of whatever was minimized to the taskbar. Not really sure how Microsoft came up with the name. Probably because small-version-of-whats-currently-minimized (r) was already taken. It wasn't that big of a deal for most things, but for IE it was great. When several tabs were being used in a single browser window, taskbar preview would show each tab as a separate section. And, while at work, this made it much easier to open up the "10 Steps to Being a Better Office Worker" tab and avoid accidentally opening up the "10 Ways to Misappropriate Funds Without Gaining a Pound!" tab.

This feature was also available in the Google Chrome browser. It was a good feature. A pretty feature. Even a sexy feature. But, alas, it seemed to not be an option in Firefox. Well it turned out that the taskbar feature is available in Firefox, but for some inexplicable reason, it's disabled by default. Why would it be disabled you ask? Really? You know, Chad would never ask that. You know why? Because Chad has a little something we call 'zazz'. While you, on the other hand, barely qualified for community college. Only a Masters degree? Please. Sometimes I think you are just trying to break my heart.

This is Firefox without tabs enabled.
It's full of meh.

To enable the taskbar feature simply go to the address field in Firefox and enter about:config. Don't enter 'www' or any kind of '.com' or anything like that. I just say that because there are some people out there that think those parts are required for anything entered into a that address bar (I'm looking at you Mom). Just type about:config. You will get some goofball warning that what you are about to do is bad. But it's not bad. What is 'bad' really? They say smoking is 'bad'; that smoking is 'disgusting' and that it 'smells like and ashtray' or a 'fetid rat corpse inside of of a dead cat crotch'. And that those who are 'addicted' to nicotine will 'die' much earlier than non-smokers. You know, all that may indeed be true. Myself, I find smoking pretty gross (except when my Mom does it...she is my Mom and gets a free pass). But think about it. If the only people who are dying early are smokers, then is it really such a bad thing? Did I just blow your mind? And that's why you should just ignore the warning and continue.

This is Firefox with tabs enabled. It's awesome to the power of rad.

Once at the about:config screen, type 'taskbar' (without quotes) in the 'filter' field. This will filter out everything except the option relating to the taskbar. From there, look for one called browser.taskbar.previews.enable. See how it's set to 'false'? Just double-click on it to change it to 'true'. You can then close the config page. You should then see little previews of your tabs in Firefox. You don't even need to restart the browser. Just open a bunch of tabs and check it out. I hope you will find it as useful as I do. And if not, please, keep it to yourself.

House of Brews: It's a Little Little, but Really Real.

2011-04-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm a Fotomat and I will
never become obsolete.

It was way back in 1997 that my little town got its first little drive-thru espresso stand. It was called "Espresso Depot" and was housed in a little converted Fotomat. It was quite little and at first did very little business. But soon it was a regular 'Little Johnny Brewalot'. Little did I know then, that this was the beginning of a little something called the 'Latte Revolution' (or at least that's what I am calling it now). Nowadays, espresso stands have ubiquity to rival the i'est of Pods, but back then it was quite a little novelty. That reminds me, I need to buy a thesaurus...

Well I was soon a coffee addict like everyone else, and while I had gone to a few independent coffee huts here and there, I became more or less a Starbucks man. That went on for several years and I figured it was great because, you know, it was Starbucks and whatever. But about six months ago I found that I had become somewhat put-off by the Big S. In looking back, I think this was primarily due to some observations I had made regarding changes in how Starbucks views the intellect (or lack thereof) of their customers. So I began a search for a new 'regular place'.

I had a few requirements. First and foremost, it had to actually exist. I have found that, while the lines were always short, most imaginary espresso stands charged way too much. And seriously, you don't take debit cards?! Like I would be stupid enough to carry cash around with me when I'm transcendently floating as an astral projection in this part of the multiverse. What do you think I am, an idiot? What's that? Oh, you take checks. Well, aren't you just a trend-setter. Well, do you have a pen? Of course you don't. Why would you? I mean who doesn't carry a pen in their pocket at all times? Um, hi...this is the 21st century...have we met? You know what? Forget it. I'll just go someplace else...like Doesnotsuckistan. Laters. Dummies.

After that prerequisite is met, I wanted this, heretofore unidentified, new place to meet these additional standards (in order of what I can think of first): it had to be on my way to work, it had to have drive-thru, it had to take debit cards and/or Republic credits, it must staffed by people (please, no more cephalopods), and everyone must keep their clothes on. And that last one is kind of a big deal too. While I'm sure there are people out there who crave any female attention they can get, I for one really don't want to watch some skank in her bathing suit preparing something I am about to consume. If I wanted to see that, I'd go to...well, I don't really know where I would go. But if I did, I would totally go there. If I wanted to see that. Which I don't. Because it's gross. Honestly kids, stay in school.

House of Brews. It totally exists.

It took about I don't remember how long, but eventually I found my new place: The House of Brews (Snohomish Branch). They offered the whole package. It was on my way to work (right across the street from Starbucks in fact), it was a real drive-thru (with TWO windows!), and the young woman running the place appeared to be a fully-clothed, human woman. Sure, maybe she removes her skin at night and prowls the streets an a Chupacabra. I really have no way of knowing that. It's not like I am some kind of Chupacabraoligist or something. Let's just let that one go. Anyway, I liked this place. I found out that the girl giving me my coffee was also part owner of the business. That was really cool too. She's fast and about as professional as coffee mistresses can get (is that a thing?).

Now I am a regular; going almost everyday. And, unlike Starbucks, I never get engaged in creepy conversations about things that are none of anyones beeswax. And I even bought a prepay card. Now I just whiz through the line and I'm all like WHOOSH! And Starbucks sees me and they're all like WHAAA?? And then I'm all like WHATEVER! And they are all WAIT..COME BACK!! And it's like NO WAY SUCKERS! This goes on until someone pulls a handgun and there is some kind of 'cap' being 'popped' into...something. Listen, I kind of forgot where this was going. So let me just sum up:

The House of Brews in Snohomish is the best coffee stand in all the land because...

Not imaginary.
Staff is human -- at least during business hours.
No one asks me way-too-personal questions. Starbucks always seems to do that. I finally just told them the truth. "Yes this is blood on my shirt, and no, I don't know how it got there okay..? Just give me my latte. No, I don't need a receipt. Thank you and good day."
Owner-operated. Where else can you get a mocha and discuss Business and Occupation taxes at the same time?
Staff never displays their doodads or sundry internal accessories...well, at least not to me. I like a pretty girl as much as the next guy, but I'm just in this relationship for the coffee. And maybe an occasional cookie. Okay, okay, fine. I usually get two cookies. Are you happy now? Sheesh.

You should totally go there. An tell 'em Mike sent ya to get a zero percent discount on every third drink purchased during a full moon.

Guy Montag says "Burn Your Books and Buy a Kindle!"

2011-03-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is a Kindle.

All I did was walk into Fred Meyer to buy..something. I don't really remember what I was going to buy, but whatever it was I am sure it was important. Anyway, I was just walking through the electronics department (I only go there for the articles, honest) and noticed something was...different. Though no one else seemed to hear it, I caught the distinct smell of something shiny out of the corner of my eye. Upon further investigation I found it was an one of those Amazonian "Ken Dolls" I had heard so much about. It's appearance confused me.

I had, strictly for research purposes, ~~played with~~ studied a few dolls when I was a kid. The Ken dolls I remembered looked a lot different. For one, almost all of them had at least one limb. Sure there were a few torso-only Kens out there but they were usually found at the bottom of the toy box and rarely played with. Unless you were some kind of freak. Like Billy Dixon. That poor kid never had a chance. I think they pulled eight or nine doll torsos out of him after he died. Where was I? Oh yeah...so the typical Ken doll also had no visible genitals and never spoke. Ah, that reminds me of poor Billy Dixon...

This is not.

Anyway, the tragedy of Billy not withstanding, you can understand my surprise at seeing this latest version. It was also 'junkless', mute, but it had no limbs at all. I was like a flat, grey torso with buttons. Now, I'm no rocket surgeon, but I was pretty sure this was not what Amazonian men looked like. Seriously, how would they even procreate? My surprise turned into annoyance at this clearly racist depiction and then it became outright anger when I noticed the price. They were charging $189 for this?! That's just wrong, I thought. I stormed out and immediately wrote a letter to the President of Barbie to complain.

A few weeks later I received a response. I won't get into the detail of the letter here here, but I will relate one particular statement: "Be advised that threatening or harassing letters are a violation of Federal Law and....blah, blah, blah". Sure Barbie, if that is your real name, just ignore me. See if I ever buy another one of your so-called "Dream Houses". They aren't even very cool anyways. After I related this account to a friend I was told these were not some obscene distortion of a classic American toy, but rather an electronic e-book reader. And they were not Ken dolls from the Amazon at all. They were actually "Kindles" from a company called "Amazon". And you know what else? They are based in California. Great. Now I look like a total idiot. Thanks a lot everybody on Earth for not telling me what the flip these things were. Mostly I blame Amazon for naming themselves after a river in South America. Like I'm supposed to know that.

Now that I had the facts I went back to Freddies and took a fresh look at this Kindle thing. I though that "Kindle" was a pretty dumb name for something designed to replace books. Have you ever read the book Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury? It's pretty good. The name is it reference to the temperature where paper will generally ignite. Of all the books we had to read in high school, it was the only book I really liked. It told the story of a dystopian future where reading books, or even owning them, was illegal. Any books found were immediately burned. Pretty dark right? Kind of like real life when the Nazis burned books that were "Un-German"? Well, you know what the verb "Kindle" means?: "To catch fire; burst into flame." So...yeah. I wonder if the marketing department ever even thought about that...

"Hey Bob, you know the new e-book reader R & D is working on? I was watching this History Channel thing last night and it gave me an idea for a cool name. Apparently there were these guys like a million years or whatever that totally loved books. Like they would pile them in the street and shout stuff in some weird language. I don't really remember because I was like wicked high. But there was this one thing that was totally awesome. They would like burn the books. I know, right? Yeah, fire...hot...hot seller. I GOT IT! How about the "Amazon Hottie"? Yeah you're right, that kinda sucks. Okay smart guy, you think of a name...".

Regardless of the sadly ironic name, I bought one just to see what all the fuss was about.

The text is amazingly clear. Click for a hi-res image.

These Kindle things are pretty cool. But course, you already know that because you probably have one. Seems like everybody has one. And I must say, I can see why. Besides being small and light, the screen is very easy on the eyes. I charged it when I took it out of the box (nearly two weeks ago), and it's still running on the same charge. Impressive. It can also display non-Latin characters without a problem (something that even most PC's have a problem doing without special configuration). I downloaded a couple of Arabic-language books and all the script looked perfect. I also uploaded a few PDF's using Amazons "Whispernet" service and they came through in just a few seconds. Using the service cost me about $0.15, but I can always use a USB cable to copy files manually and avoid even that small charge.

That takes me to the other thing I really love about the Kindle. There are no recurring fees. Like none. Even the 3G that uses a cellar signal cost exactly zero dollars a month to use. For me, buying hardware outright and avoiding any kind of recurring fee is preferable. TiVo also offers a 'lifetime' account. But it costs $300 (in addition to the cost of the TiVo itself) and is a bit pricey for me. The Kindle 3G is only $189 and that's it. After you buy the device you're good to go. Of course, any books you want to buy will cost you more. But even avoiding that it not impossible. For there are hundreds of free books and games available (did I mention it can play games too?).

So now I am addicted to the Kindle. Thanks a lot Fred Meyer, you cost me $189 bucks. You will be hearing from my attorney. Maybe you've heard him? Imaginary McFictional, Attorney-at-Law.

February bears the bier...

2011-02-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

We bought this in 2009. I swear.

What a crazy month. There have been an exceptionally large number of exceptionally exceptional events this month. It started with the whole Comcast billing debacle. That one still is not resolved. And then I received a notice from the IRS that my tax return had been rejected. They want me to repay the $8000 first-time home buyer credit for the house we bought in 2008...except I bought my house in 2009. When I decided to just pay it anyway, and file an amended return when the IRS got their act together, I found that I couldn't because, get this, I was not required to. What the what?! So my tax return is basically eating itself at this point. Not sure where I will land there. And this was all in the first week of February.

As the month continued things kept building. My son, Finn, was officially diagnosed with HFA (just like me). But the doctor said that, unlike his Dad, his OCD traits were far more pronounced. He has started taking some meds that, hopefully, dial that down a little. I also had to deal with HR at work after they denied my request for an ADA accommodation (sadly, it seemed that I knew more about ADA law than HR did). After I invoked my right to an "interactive process", there was a meeting. That wigged me out for a few days for sure. Oh, and did I mention that I had to take Finn to the walk-in clinic after he burned his hand? Yeah. He put his whole palm right on a hot burner.

But not everything this month was stressful. Some things were merely annoying or just time consuming. I spent a weekend upgrading Adobe Connect Enterprise to version 8. That's not exactly a huge project but it's used by our customers across the state. It's one of those things that I am fully responsible for so had I messed it up...well, I am just glad I didn't mess it up. It was actually kind of relaxing doing the upgrade. I have always found it relaxing doing things like that. I also had an assignment at the meeting reading, in Arabic, in front of the group. But with everything else going on, I had little time to practice. I didn't do as well as I would have liked.

Oh yes, and let's not forget the snow. Just a few days ago a cold front moved in and dumped quite a bit of snow in my area. It started on Tuesday morning. They sent me home and I worked from my comfy chair for the rest of the day. And the next day. And the next. I've been stuck in the house for almost three days now. I am hoping it's doesn't snow again tonight. Supplies are running low and, should the snopocalypse continue, cannibalism is inevitable. And my family, while I love them all dearly, are probably delicious.

What's Behind That Paywall? Tips to Save Some Cache.

2011-02-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Congratulations! You have been dynamically re-tasked!

I am a fireman. Well, not really...but sorta. Actually, I am kinda afraid of fire. Well, really it's that everyone is afraid of me with fire. All I know is that I am still not allowed to play with matches. It's really hard to resist because when I see matches, the first thing I think is "wheee!!". It's a long (mostly fictional) story, but suffice to say, I am not one of those delicious hunks of manflesh you would see in the annual NY Fireman Calendar. You know the ones I mean. The kind your Mom would buy every single year...and then hide? I am definitely not one of those guys. Any picture of me wearing fireman pants (and little else), would likely make women laugh (or become violently ill). Sure, there are probably some members of society that would like to see a pudgy dude like me all dressed up like a fireman. They probably would even pay to see it. In fact, I am reasonably sure there are websites dedicated to little else. But that's really not how I get down, if you follow me my meaning. I like beef and I loves me some cake, but beefcake? Sorry, but that's not my thing. I'm not saying I'm not flattered, maybe even a little curious...I just don't swing that way. Now if they had some kind of Geek Cupcake calendar, I could totally be down with that. Mmmmm, cupcakes....

So we have established that, in addition to my preference for cupcakes over beefcakes, I am not a real fireman. So what do I mean by "fireman"? This is a typical week for me:

Monday: Log into my workstation. Notice I have 2453 unread emails. Spend next 3 hours sorting the actionable emails from the non-actionable. Then, an hour sorting all the actionable ones into two piles of crisis and problem. Then the rest of the day reading, composing, and replying to all the crisis-level issues. Not to mention all those embarrassing "reply all" emails I just love sending out my mistake. Those are all kinds of awesome.
Tuesday: Log into my workstation. Notice I have 868 unread emails. Spend next 2 hours sorting actionable from non-actionable, blah, blah, blah.. Then the next 6 hours reading, composing, and replying. Then work through a Crit-5 ticket or five.
Wednesday: Same as Tuesday except there are usually some "drop what your're doing and fix this!" emergencies around this time of the week. This is where the whole "fireman" phenomenon really comes in. Close a few more tickets as I can.
Thursday: Everything from Wednesday, plus pressure from coworkers about how they really needed "that thing" they told me about "a while ago" done a week ago.
Friday: See Thursday. Also, traffic sucks.
Weekend: Having stress dreams about Monday.

...I am NOT this kind of fireman.
Do I look like this man? Yes. Yes I do.

So it's kinda like low-level stress all the time, and then a fire, then mop-up, then back to low-level stress. Like when Batman is just chillin' in the Batcave. Then, without warning, the Commissioner calls and Batman springs to crime-busting action! Just replace "Commissioner" with "someone" and "Batman" with "I". You should also probably replace "springs into crime-busting action" with "continues playing Minesweeper" (not really). Long story short, I get a call, email, ticket, or complaint that something, somewhere is not working and I need to stop my important work, and start doing even more important work. Exactly like a fireman in every single way; except for a few minor details like "putting out fires" or "saving lives". But I get to wear jeans to work and I have a whiteboad in my cubicle. That's good enough for me.

When there is some compu-mergency (see what I did there?), I have to (along with my team of fellow overworked geeks) resolve as fast possible. I have been working the IT industry for a while, so the problem is often something I have seen before and can fix without too much trouble. But sometimes I am completely baffled. The hardest puzzles to solve usually involve paniciky calls from some remote user. I get helpful descriptions like "There was an error message but I already rebooted...no I don't know what it said" or "The SharePoint is not installing my email when I reboot the Word on my Citrix!". Needless to say, there are some answers I simply don't know the answers to.

Yes, there is a caption here. No, you may not see it.

So, as all my pasty-white comrades would agree, the next step is usually to hit the Googlez and start searching. Often, one of the first results I find directs me to a peer-support tech forum called "www.experts-exchange.com". From time to time, I find someone asking the same question(s) I am asking. But, when I click the link to go the actual site, I see this box where all the answers should be. It is indicating that the question has indeed been answered, but that I need to "subscribe" for the priviledge of reading it. And when I go further, I am greeted with another page asking for a credit card number and wanting to know what "plan" I want to sign-up for. In short, the site will not allow me to see any answers until I pay up; either with my time or my money...which took a lot of time to earn. Or was that money to earn? It's all very circular yet it somehow make logical sense. Then again, it was first coined by Benjamin Franklin who was probably high at the time. But I digress.

Benjamin Franklin, Editor, High Times Magazine

This type of business model has a name. It's called a "paywall". It is from the Latin pacare, meaning "to please, pacify, satisfy" and from the Old English term vallum meaning, well, "wall". My point here is that all this wall-satisfying action tends to repel more users than it attracts (kind of like an actual wall). The New York Times recently moved to a paywall model an has watched their online readership numbers plummet. Not to mention this type of obstacle is pretty easy to get around, if you know how.

But before we get into that, I want make clear that I ain't no hater. The paywall business model is not a fundamentally bad idea. But in order for the concept to work well, the company must offer one (or more) of the following:

1) Some product, service, or information that caters to some primal desire, secret addiction, or compulsive behavior (i.e. porn, pills, or poker).

Sites like these are economic paradoxes. The demand for their "product" is high, but so is the supply. I think the furtive nature of the target demographic group(s) are the primary force behind maintaining thier profitability. In contrast, one can find peer-to-peer tech support sites everywhere. And that's not hyperbole; as of this post, there are over 2.1 million Google search results for "tech support forum".

2) Something that is of exceptional value, yet priced low enough to make it appealing to the target audience.

A great example of this is Consumer Reports. They offer a very limited set of free reviews on their site (www.consumerreports.org). But all the really useful ones are behind a their paywall. Even if one subscribes to their actual magazine, the online subscription is still not free (only discounted). Yet, I use it all the time despite the fees. The information CR offers, while available elsewhere for free, is unmatched in accuracy and depth.

3) Something wicked awesome.

Most folks, including myself, would be more than willing to pay anything to use a totally boss web service. Take the world of Tron. Give me a particle beam thingamabob and a lightcycle...heck, I'd pay anything. I have done some exhaustive market research on this and have found these types of services often fail due to their being mostly non-existent. I remember speaking with the CEO of Activision Blizzard, Inc., Bobby Kotick, about this just the other day. I asked if his company could create game that would allow me to be digitized, recreated inside a computer, and have kick-ass Frisbee fights with various, fully sentient programs. He was very excited about it. In fact, I remember him telling me toward the end of the interview "Get out of my office or I'll call the cops". So yeah, I am totally looking forward to that....it's going to be huuuuuge. Oh, and that reminds me, I need to give a shout out to Bobby for dropping those charges.

But back to Experts Exchange...

Wow thanks. That's very helpful.

I can totally accept paying for actual support from a professional support engineer with verifiable creditials. I can even accept unpaid, self-proclaimed experts answering questions in a free public forum. But having self-proclaimed experts answering questions in a forum I am paying as much as $12.95/mo to use? Even though the answer is freely available elsewhere? That's just silly. And why would I want to pay for advice from any professional that (apparently) has massive amounts of time on their hands? Honestly, I am not really sure what the draw is supposed to be here. Maybe there are members in the industry naturally drawn toward support solutions that combine the authoritative answers of ambiguously defined "experts" with zero accountability, with the assurance of getting real help from such consummate professionals as "Mr-Madcowz" or "DrDamnit". I honestly don't know...takes all kinds I guess.

As an alternative to paying the monthly fee, one can also earn "free" access by answering others' questions. Here is what an Experts Exchange rep told me when I asked for details:

"...you only need to answer about 7 questions to initially gain full access to EE and then answer about three questions per month to maintain full access."

I have worked in an environment like this exactly zero times.

That goes back to the whole "massive amounts of time" thing. I can't speak for others in the industry, but I certainly don't have such a surplus of time that I am willing to provide some corporation with free content -- which they then turn around and sell for profit. That would be like asking me to donate my time in a soup kitchen for the homeless -- except by "soup kitchen" you mean "resturant" and by "homeless" you mean "customers". In any case, I don't have that kind of time. Of course I could answer "about seven questions" (what, do they grade on a curve?), but then I would have to answer "about" three more (seriously, what's with the 'about'?), every month, forever. That comes out to what, something like 40 answers the first year? And don't even get me started on year two.

However there are ways to avoid feeding this beast. You can look at the source code of the page. The answers are in there, just hiding in a sea of HTML tags. Or, you could use a browser plug-in like Adblock Plus (with the 'element hiding helper') to try and "turn off" the hidden parts of the page (allowing only the viewable section to be seen). But the easiest by far, is to simply use the Google cache.

For compaines that put their site behind a paywall, Google must be the ultimate frenemy (sorry about that...I have a Facebook page, so I am contractually obligated to use that term once per fiscal year). These sites likely love Google because most of their business comes from Google search results. But they probably hate Google too because it allows users to see everything Google sees (i.e. everything not behind a password or ignored due to the robots.txt file).

"Gimme da cache" - Mugger, The Fifth Element

In the case of Experts Exchange, all one has to do is click the 'cache' link, instead of the main link, on the Google search results page. At first, it looks like nothing is really there. But if you scroll all the way to bottom of the page, you will see them: all the ill-concealed answers. Even better, when using the cache, all the search terms are high-lighted for you. This works for most paywall sites too. Just remember, if Google can see it, it ain't no secret.

One thing that's of particular interest (to me at least) is looking at old versions of the Experts Exchange site via the Internet Archive. The Experts Exchange site started way back in 1996. Those were heady days. Back then it was proudly touting:

"Experts Exchange is a totally free, interactive knowledge sharing community where people, just like yourself, ask and answer questions based on a points and grading system."

First comes love...

Isn't that nice? It was probably because of this welcoming, egalitarian attitude that Experts-Exchange gained so much traffic. Well that, and the fact that the companies' first domain was a bit misleading. Do you know what it was? EXPERTSEXCHANGE.COM! I am totally serious! I know, right? Anyway, I bet a lot of that early traffic was made up of men and women not really "comfortable" with their gender. I imagine they were very disappointed to discover the site had almost nothing to do with gender reassignment surgery. Or not, whatever. In any regard, this spawned a bold and daring move : hyphenation. It was implemented later; probably after paying a consultant thousands of dollars to determine why so many pre-op transsexuals were sending emails to their webmaster.

...then comes evil corporate overlords.

So where did all this free love get Experts Exchange? They became so beloved and trusted by the IT community that Experts-Exchange went bankrupt in 2001.

Understandably, after the bankruptcy and resulting change in ownership, Experts Exchange became unhappy with all this "free information" junk. Sometime around March of 2003 someone in charge thought, "Wait...you mean these suckers give us content for free? And then other saps will pay us for the same content?". After that, everything began to change. While the site was still largely free, there were now links pointing to something called a "Premium Search" and enticing users to get "Premium Accounts". The slow but unstoppable walk toward profitability (or "suckiness") had begun. This, um, what's the opposite of "advancement"?... This DEvancement continued until the site became what it is today.

Legend has it that, late at night, when all but the most Hispanic of janitors have gone home, you can still hear the distant echos of all the unpaid volunteers, who donated thousands of hours, only to make Experts Exchange, LLC a fortune...

The Eye-Fi SD Card: Unique, Orange, and Kinda Nosey

2011-02-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

Hi there! Please don't read my privacy policy.

Imagine you are a master chef and you are making a delicious cake. No wait. Imagine you are a renowned botany professor and you... Okay never mind. That sounds dumb too. Imagine you are the Cohen Brothers and you are making some crazy goreporn/comedy sitcom... Okay, you know what? Forget it. Let's just go with the professor thing.

Imagine you are a world-renowned botany professor and you are working to create a new species of flora. It will combine parts of all other forms of plant life. It will be awesome. It will certainly be better than that stupid "Purple Rose" that Professor Williamson "made". You know, you aren't fooling anyone Denise, if that is your real name. We all know you just put grape Kool-Aid powder in the soil. Oldest trick in the book. Oh yeah, there is a book Denise. A book. All us real botanists use it. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Being Crazy-Awesome at Being a Botanist! You find it for sale at all major bookstores, on Amazon, and IN YOUR FACE!

Where was I? Oh yes. So, imagine you are a world-renowned botany professor and you are working to create a new species of flora. It will combine parts of all other forms of plant life. You will call it the Treeshroom Mossflower. It will bear fruit. That fruit will be carrots. Also, these carrots will be fruit...for some reason, and...whatever...just play along okay? So you are making this wicked hybrid thing that will be amazing, while at the same time being kind of disappointing. I mean, who wants some fruity carrot tree fungus in their yard?

There are four versions of the Eye-Fi.
Their Daddy loves them all the same. Except for one. He knows why.

Now the Eye-Fi Wireless SD Card is kind of like that carrot tree steak, fish... The Eye-Fi is a hybrid between one established technology (Secure Digital memory cards) and another established technology (802.11 wireless communication). The idea with the Eye-Fi is simple and intriguing: allowing a digital camera to upload pictures and video to web (or your local PC) using only a wireless network. It is, by far, the most innovative use of two seemingly disparate technologies I have ever seen. It used to be the McHatwich. But that never really caught on. Apparently hat-based delicacies are more of a European thing. Anyway, there are several cameras that have some form of wireless connectivity built-in, but with the Eye-Fi you can add this ability to almost any digital camera for less than $50. It's the first of its kind. I bought the fancy-pants version for about $100.

So that's a really big deal. Really, it is. But before you decide to get one for yourself, you should know about the shortcomings I have found. In particular, there are privacy issues that you should seriously think about before you buy:

Know Where Your Data is Going

There are some serious privacy issues with the Eye-Fi. When I read the Eye-Fi privacy policy, I was initially pleased. But when I looked deeper into what was actually being said, I was not. In the policy it states:

"...Eye-Fi does not share or transfer any user content from your computer to Eye-Fi servers."

I was happy to have that stated so plainly. But the policy then went on give a long list of exceptions; including one that is enabled by default:

"However, if you choose to enable additional features or services offered by Eye-Fi, including the geotagging service, content sharing service (sharing with third party websites Facebook, Flickr, Picasa etc.) , relayed uploads feature, Eye-Fi View service, email, notifications, sharing feature and hotspot service (collectively “Eye-Fi services”), Eye-Fi transfers your content to Eye-Fi’s servers and into your Eye-Fi account where the content can be acted upon in fulfillment of your requested Eye-Fi services." (emphasis mine)

I counted no less than seven different "additional features or services" that, when enabled, send any and all content (including your EXIF data) to servers controlled by Eye-Fi. While almost all of them must be explicitly enabled, it's that nasty little "relayed uploads feature" that's really sneaky. It is enabled by default. That means that one must explicitly disable the service to keep their private content securely on their own network and on their own computer(s). What is this "relayed uploads feature", and how does it relate to security? Read on for the thrilling details...

After you install the Eye-Fi Center on your network-connected home computer, you must register with your email address (more about that later). When the installation is complete, you use it to configure Eye-Fi card to use the same network as your computer. You then put the card in your camera and start using it. Only seconds after taking your first picture (assuming your computer is on), you see the pictures automagically arrive on your PC; it's actually pretty cool.

In this exact situation, everything is fine. Your content is wirelessly transferred to your PC without ever leaving your network. But what if your computer is turned off? If you are at home, but your PC is powered down (or otherwise inaccessible from the network), all your content goes to Eye-Fi servers. This happens silently and without any prompting or delay. And if you were to configure the "hotspot feature", the Eye-Fi will automatically join any open network (i.e. Starbucks Hotspot, a friend's house). This will also trigger your content to be uploaded to Eye-Fi servers -- unless the "relayed upload feature" is deliberately disabled. Here's how it's explained on the Eye-Fi site:

"If you are only uploading media to a computer destination, the Relayed Transfer option will give you the ability to automatically transfer the media even when your computer is off. Your media will be automatically transferred via a configured wireless network on the card to the Eye-Fi servers. When your computer is turned back on and the Eye-Fi Software is running, it will contact the Eye-Fi Servers to download the staged media." (emphasis mine)

Now, all this may not seem like a huge deal. I mean, it's not like the Eye-Fi people are going to look at the pictures right? Probably not. Like other Internet-based photo or video services, they have a "Terms of Service" that allows them to ban (or report) anyone for almost any reason (or at their "sole discretion", according to the ToS). In Eye-Fi's case, the list of offences are spelled out in Section 4e. Again, this is not unlike any similar service.

What is unlike other online photo or video hosting sites is who can see the content so as to report it. The content on the Eye-Fi servers is not viewable by the public (or at least, I hope it's not). That means no one can see your content and therefore cannot 'report' is as offensive, etc. No one, that is, except an Eye-Fi associate. How would Eye-Fi even know if someone is violating their ToS, unless they took a peek once in a while? Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Most of us (including myself) use the so-called "cloud" all the time. Services like Gmail, Flickr, and countless others store your content on their servers. What's the difference? Maybe they peek sometimes too. Perhaps they do. But there is a key difference: knowledge.

When using any other cloud-storage service, you have to knowingly upload your content. When you take a picture with your phone, it does not appear on your Flickr page unless you either manually send it there or configure your phone to upload it for you. When you shoot video with your wifi-enabled digital camcorder (yes, they exist), it does not just start uploading to some remote server without letting you know first. At the very least, you have to log in and authorize any automatic transfers. But the Eye-Fi card doesn't ask you anything. Once the software is installed and you configure your card, it's all automatic from there.

Imagine this scenario: you take pictures of your 3-year-old daughter when she's doing something that, when she is sixteen, will be used to embarrass her in front of her boyfriend. You know what what kind of pictures I mean. Those pictures of her in the bathtub, on the potty chair, running around naked through backyard sprinkler, or whatever. It's common for parents to do that and it's not a big deal at all. But if you are using the Eye-Fi with the default settings, and you are silly enough to not leave your PC on 24 hours a day, the Eye-Fi people have a copy. And, let's say, someone at Eye-Fi happens to see these pictures (perhaps while doing a ToS enforcement sweep). Now that person may not see your content as innocent bath time pictures . They see them as illicit child pornography. They call the police and, well, you get the idea. Sound too outlandish to ever really happen? Sadly it happens more often than it ever has before. Except with the Eye-Fi, the chances of some hypersensitive prude seeing your pictures, and seeing some imaginary illicit behavior, goes up. Way up.

So that's the most critical flaw I have discovered. Seems that the whole problem would just go away if Eye-Fi was more forthright about what was being done with users' content. The only reason I found out is because the information is in their posted privacy policy and I work with cyber-security issues almost every day. Also, I have a bit of the OCD. Personally, I have avoided using the hotspot feature and I have created a blocking rule for my Eye-Fi so it never gets outside my network regardless of its' settings. But there are a couple of other, less pressing problems too.

Account Required!?

The first screen you will see when running Eye-Fi Center is the login screen. You are required to register and create a free account. Required. I was shocked when I realized there was no way to use the wireless features of the device I just paid for without giving some corporation my name and email address. What is this, a cell phone? All I want to do is use my network to copy files to my computer or, maybe, upload them using my photo hosting account. That's it. There is no apparent logic in this. And that point is seemingly proven by the circular reasoning listed on the Eye-Fi privacy policy. According to the official policy, your name and email address are required "to protect your account from unauthorized access.". Hey, you know what else can protect my account? Not having an account.

Why do you have to ask Eye-Fi's permission to use your own hardware? Their official reason is to "configure your Eye-Fi card’s wireless connectivity as well as to take advantage of the many additional Eye-Fi service offerings". Okay, I get the "service offerings" part. But why is an account required just to configure your wireless settings? They even make you log in just to send files directly to your PC, without ever needing the Eye-Fi servers at all (Eye-Fi calls this "local mode"). And if you don't want to register, well, congratulations! You are now the owner of the worlds most over-priced SD Card! You're welcome.

Apparent Instability

The Eye-Fi Center software. Meh.

I am running the software on a Windows 7 (Ultimate), 64-bit PC with 8GB of RAM, blah, blah, blah. My system more than meets the system requirements of the software. Or at least I think it does. ~~The Eye-Fi site (as of today anyway) does not appear to list any system requirements on their site. The best I could find was just a list of OS'es the software supports.~~ The system requirements can be found. But, assuming my system is compatible, it's still a mess. Whenever I try and transfer more than just a few files, I will see this little box pop up apologizing and asking if I want to tell Eye-Fi about the problem. Then I have to restart the application to continue transferring pictures; until it crashes again. Maybe Eye-Fi Center is not compatible with a 64-bit OS, who knows? Maybe there will be a patch later that will fix this issue.

So there it is. My review of the Eye-Fi Wireless SD card. Holy cow, these posts are getting long. I guess the Adderall is working...

Comcast Live Chat Support: My Best Good Frenemy

2011-02-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

I have had a volatile relationship with Comcast for the past few years (as have others). They have given me things I loved, and things I really, really hated. The latest "thing" I was given was my most recent bill. It fell squarely in the "hated it" category.

Real quick, before I get into this long and tiresome story, let me just sum up the moral right now.
Always use chat support whenever it is available and always save your chat transcripts!

For the last 18 months my bill had hovered around $170. It would go up and down now and then, but generally the price was stable. I had (and still have) basic HD cable TV, basic phone service, and a sweet (for my area) 50Mbps Internet pipe. I was happy with my service and never had any significant service problems. Then a month ago I replaced my TiVo HD and my Comcast-issued cable box with two shiny new TiVo Premieres. I knew that doing so would mean driving to the nearby Comcast office and swapping my cable box for a cable card, but I had installed cable cards before and did not anticipate any problems.

Once at the Comcast office I was called to the counter within a minute of walking in. The young man was oddly relaxed. He was wearing something that looked like a sweatshirt. But it had some kind of, I don't know, bag hanging from the back. Like a satchel. Maybe it was for apples or something...who knows? I was informed later these are called "HU-DEES" and they're common among todays ersatz "troubled youth". I also learned that I am a "square" and I need to "live in the now, man". I didn't think dressing like some emo version of Rocky counted as "the now", but who can tell what kids today are into. With their clothes and hair and metalrapz music. Oh, and this dude (is that the right use of that term?) looked like he hadn't showered in several days...and I don't recall him ever making eye contact. And don't even get me started on his knuckle hair...

There can be only one.

But be all that as it was, he took my box and handed me a cable card without a hassle, so that was cool. Before I signed the final paperwork, he asked, again without turning his eyes away from the monitor, "Do you have a laptop, man?.". I am not really sure if that 'man' was actually spoken aloud. Because of the way he was dressed, I may have subconsciously added that to the end of his question. You know how it is right? Like when someone reads their fortune cookie out loud at the table and you mentally add "in bed" to the end? Even if you are in polite company, and the person reading is your Gramma, and the fortune says: "Tomorrow you will get 10% off a brake inspection at Larry's Brake Stop."?....in bed. It just sounds dirty, but you have no idea why. Let's just call it an autonomic reflex and move on.

So I told that I did indeed have a laptop, not that it was any of his business thank you very much (again, that last part may have been imaginary). Then he said...nothing. For about five minutes. Seriously. Not one peep out of him. He just kept clicking away at his computer. I finally asked him why he asked about my laptop. Then he said they were having some kind of special on their new product called "4G High Speed 2Go". It's one of those little USB Wireless Internet doodads. He told me that he could "work the numbers" so adding the service would only increase my bill by a tiny amount. Something like $3 if I remember right. But I would have to double pinky swear that I would not cancel the 4G High Speed 2Go service (or downgrade any of my existing Comcast services) for two years. I figured I wasn't going to do that anyway, so I went for it. That was on or around December 1st 2010.

About four weeks later (at the end of December) I had the fever. And the only prescription...was old episodes of Spider Man and His Amazing Friends. That was one of my all-time favorite shows when I was in grade school. It had everything: Spider Man, his Friends, AND Amazingness. Even though it had a teenage boy crawling around on all-fours wearing a skin tight spider costume, it still had way less homo-erotic symbolism than He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. But it also wasn't nearly as preachy as G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero. So to satisfy my hankerin' I went looking. I actually found that someone was still playing them regularly! It was some tertiary Disney channel called DXD. But, alas, that channel was not included in my basic HD package. I ~~impulsively~~ thought it over for a while and decided to upgrade my package (I'm sorry, but I can't say that without snickering...teehee).

I was too lazy to call Comcast so I thought I would try their "Live Support" chat. I had used this before without other companies. I spent quite a long time in support chat with HP a few years ago. I had bought a new printer and it was broken as soon as I got it out of the box. It didn't go well. But this was Comcast, maybe it would be different with them.

I hopped into a chat session with, wait for it, Glenn. Glenn. Like he was just some regular guy down the street and not in Bangalore or wherever. Anyway, the conversation started out as a typical support chat would; lots of canned greetings and automatically generated "I'd be glad to help you with that ."'s. Once "Glenn" realized I was looking to add services, he handed me off to, the even more adorably named, "Jennylyn". Once (I assume) she verified my name, etc. she told me that the next package up was call the "Digital Preferred" package. I had never had Showtime or anything like that before, so I thought I would give those a shot too. Here is an excerpt from our chat (emphasis mine):

Jennylyn: Michael, the price of your Digital Preferred is $39.99/mo for 6 month's.

Note the price quoted above.

Me: Is that in addition what I already pay for Digital Economy?

(skipping some unrelated chitchat here)

Jennylyn: No, you will only pay $39.99/mo for 6 month's!

Note how the price was stated again.

Jennylyn: No need for you to pay for the digital economy, since we will upgrade your cable tv.

Yes. I totally agree.

Me: Great. How much more would it be to add some premium channels?

Jennylyn: $10.00/mo for 6 month's!

...and another quoted price.

That was pretty much the substance of the first chat. It would only cost me about $50 more to get what I wanted. Sounded good to me. She said the new HD channels would appear in a few minutes and the premium channels would take up to 24 hours. I did indeed see the regular ones right away. But the 24 hours time frame came and went with no Showtimeness or HBOness to be seen. So that night I got with Live Support again. This time I got "Mariecar". Where are they getting these fake names* from? They sound like they have all been pulled from a bad Terry Brooks novel.

Anyway, I told "Mariecar" chimed in with this adorable dialog. Pardon my 'caveman speak' here; it late and me sleepy. Again, the auxiliary comments are mine:


Me: I order all the premium channels nearly 24 hours ago, but but they are still not activated.

(this would become a recurring theme in the days to come)
Mariecar: Hello Michael Baker, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Mariecar. Please give me one moment to review your information.

(fair enough)

Mariecar: Hello! Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support! My name is Mariecar. It is my pleasure to have you on this chat! I always remain committed and focused to provide you quality customer service at my fullest effort. And how are you doing today?

(1: You already said that. 2: Thank you?)
ME: fine thanks you
Mariecar: Good to hear that you are doing fine, Michael.
(yes, yes..we have established I am 'fine'. Let's move on please...)Mariecar: I'm also doing great! Thank you for asking.
(yeah, okay...I didn't actually ask, but whatever)Mariecar: To verify if I understood you correctly, the reason why you contacted us today is because you ordered the premium channels 24 hours ago, but still not activated. Is that correct, Michael?
(way to copy/paste there Mariecar)Me: Yes.
(is that not what I said when I opened this dialog?)Mariecar: Don't worry. You already have me here and I'll make sure this gets taken cared of.
(don't overdo it Mariecar...it's not like my Grampa just died)

Despite the assurance that Mariecar would get it "taken care of" and that would be getting the channels within an hour, it was not to be. I was still without the fancy pants channels. I probably should have just called and canceled the whole thing, but at this point it was kind of a mission. I will summit Mt. Comcast! Behold world! Then afterward maybe I could hit the lecture circuit. Yeah, that would be sweet.

Anyhooo, I went for round three with Live Chat Support. I failed to save the chat transcript for this one. But I was told that no, no, no....my bill would go up by much more than $50. This time it was going to increase by $110 (for a total of $279). Whatever...like I said it was a mission. Needless to say that I was, again, "assured" the problem would be fixed in less than a day. And, again, it wasn't. Can you say "Round 4"? BooYah!!

This time I got "Jasmine". I assumed that she was some smokin' hot and vaguely Middle Eastern princess. Here's some of our juicier chat dialog:

Jasmine: Thank you for taking your time to contact us. I will be very glad to help you from here on. But before we do that, how are you today?

Sigh...again with the manufactured platitudes..

Me: ok

Then I waited for a while.

Me: Is anyone there?

And then I waited for more whiles..

Jasmine: May I know what premium channels can't you access?

Hi. Thanks for stopping by.

Me: There are dozens of premium channels. DO I need to go throught them all, one at a time, to give you exaclty whcih ones are not working?

Obviously, I was a little edgy at this point.

Jasmine: May I know if you have our digital premier package Michael? We only have 5 premium channels. Those are HBO, Starz, Showtime, TMC and Cinemax.

They also have Encore. Maybe Jasime didn't know that?

Me: How am supposed to know what package I have?....I am getting all the Preferred Plus channels, but virtually none of the premium channels. I ordered them all.

So this went on for a bit and then I asked again about price:

Me: Can you tell me what my bill will be now? Every person I chat with gives me a different number...
Jasmine: I am sending the reset signal to all your boxes Michael.

Yes, yes. What about the price?

Me: ok
Jasmine: It shows here 132.44

Wait...what?

Me: Last night I was told it would be $279.99. The niht before that...$$199.00. I have no idea...my current bill is $169.06

Jasmine: The online account takes time to update Michael.

Don't back-sass me young lady!

Jasmine: I assure you that that is currently the balance showing on your account.

Oh okay. If you "assure me" then that must be better...

Me: yes I understand. But you are telling me it will go DOWN by about $30/month?

Me: even though I added services...

Jasmine: Yes Michael I can see that on your bill ledger and you're currently in promo.

I am "currently in promo"? Makes it sound like I'm some pre-op transsexual.

Me: ok...I guess I will wait and see if I am surprised next month :/

I had pretty much given up at this point.

Jasmine: I assure you I am reviewing your most updated bill Michael.

Your assurance means nothing to me Jasmine. My heart has been broken too many times.

And then later on in the same chat session...

Jasmine: Everything looks good from here. There's nothing else now that you have to adjust from your from this moment on.

I don't really care how it looks from there. What about my needs? We used to be in love...and now? Well now it just about the money isn't it?

Jasmine: Diagnostics reveal that the error is currently being resolved. It is important to keep the box on for the loading process to complete.

Wait. Everything "looks good", and then an "error is currently being resolved"? /faceplam

Me: ok...I guess I will contact you in about an hour. Thank you.

Is there an emoticon for passive-aggressive disdain?

Jasmine: I assure you your channels will be working Michael.

Stop assuring me dammit!

Of course this did nothing, like AT ALL, and I was still not sated. The next Live Chat Support person was "Marnelli". Honestly. Just go with Kal-El or Worf or something. You're not fooling anyone. Anyway, this support person just spent about a minute with me and then sent a guy out to my house. He got there the following day.

Minutes working with Live Chat Support: ~600
Minutes taken for tech to fix the problem: 5

He took a look at my TiVo, went to the settings screen, looked at the cableCARD settings, and said "did anyone ask you for this number?". He was pointed to some cryptic number string on the screen. "No", I said. He sighed heavily.

He made a phone call, read off the number, and everything was working in about five minutes.

Well that was a little adventure? Sure it had a happy ending, but it sure was a long walk getting there. I thought that was the end of the story..but wait, what's this in the mail? It was the Comcast bill that arrive a couple weeks later. Now I get to find out what the price for this change was actually going to be...

What the SPORK!? My bill had gone from $170 to $410! That was an increase of $240, or nearly 150%! I all had done was add for HD channels and turned on the premium junk. Well, that sucked. I scanned through the bill details and could not make any sense of it. It showed services being canceled and others being added. I think there was 9'er in there somewhere. I had recently learned of the @ComcastCares Twitter thingamadoodle, so I gave it a shot.

I did get a repsonse quickly, so Comcast gets full points for that. I was soon emailed directly by a "Executive Customer Care" person. I emailed her all the chat transcripts and explained the situation. A week or so later she responded and offered me a $100 credit "as a courtesy". You know what would really be courtesy? FIXING MY SPORKING BILL! I mean, it's not as if I was come scammer trying to get free cable. I had the chat transcripts and each one had a "chat id" showing on it. Should not take a tremendous amount of time or effort to verify what I was told and fix it. Back when I worked in customer service, if we have sporked it this badly, we would just null out the entire bill an let the customer a free pass. Now that would be a courtesy.

But back to that credit. I thanked her for the offer, but told her I would not pay the bill until the problem was fully resolved. Paying a merchant can be seen as tacit acceptance that the bill is correct. Should I pay this bill of (after the $100 credit) $310, I may not be able to dispute the rest later. What's more, I had shown this person that, including her credit and not accounting for any of Comcast's "bundling discounts", I would still be paying more than I should. And that even included the wireless Internet service. No way was I going to pay this bill.

So now nearly three weeks have passed., My bill is due in a couple of day and my bill has not been corrected; even that $100 credit is not showing up. I guess we will see where this goes as the bill becomes more and more overdue. I wonder how the small-claims court system works? I may get to find out soon....

*Just to prove that the names displayed are indeed completely fake, here is a chunk of the source from the chat box:

<!-- Custom Messages

AnalystNickname: Provides an alternate name by which the Analyst is identified.

-->

Oh and there was also a "profanity filter" that showed all the words being filtered in plain text. What's more, they only filtered five words. Granted, they were about the five filthiest words in the English language (redacted here), but still..only five?:

<PARAM NAME="ProfanFilters"

VALUE="A******|F*****|F***|C***|B****">

The Snark Guitar Tuner: No Disintegrations.

2011-01-20T22:25:00.000-08:00

Wait...exactly what kind of "action" does this figure perform?

When I was a young boy, I had one simple dream: to collect enough Star Wars action figure proofs-of-purchase to get a free Boba Fett action figure. My friend down the street, Lamont, had all the cool Star Wars swag. Oh, how I longed for his Hoth playset and his AT-ST. But you know one thing Lamont didn't have? Boba Fett. And my dream was to get my hands on that smokin' hot, Mandalorian armor-clad, oddly homoerotic figurine and rub it in his face. "Hey Lamont, what's up? Me? Oh nothin'...I'm just chillin' here with my BOBA FETT ACTION FIGURE!". At this point in my dream Lamont would start to cry and I would mock him mercilessly. I was one classy young man.

Anyway, it was not to be. Turned out, Lamont's dad worked in construction and made decent money. Whereas the man I called 'dad' worked in a doomed Weyerhauser plant and was soon to be an unemployed, drunken, divorcee. In short, I needed a new dream. No problem I suppose. These days, the Fettsters' is not exactly as "edgy" as he once was. So, just to keep the story moving along, let's say I picked the guitar....

Here you see an Instrument (left), a Gaystrument (middle),
and the very rare Pepprument (right).

So, as of this month, I have been trying to teach myself to play the guitar for about four years. I am, ever so slowly, getting better over time. It's more of a passive hobby than some ethereal manifestation of my metaphysical dreamchild (or whatever). Also, at least for me, it seems to be a form of therapeutic exercise. I discovered a long time ago that I really like to sing. What's more, I am not terrible at it. I remember when the "big kids" (e.g. 6th graders) came to my elementary school to perform. It was so cool. I decided right then to join choir class as soon as I was a 6th grader. I told one of my classroom chums about how excited I was. He teased me and said the choir was "dumb" and that only "queers" took choir. But this did not deter me from chasing my dream of not being thought of as an unintelligent homosexual. Band class it was! Seriously, who takes choir class? I didn't even know what that was. Some kind of breakfast cereal? Probably just some stupid thing that only stupid people knew about. I didn't know because I was not a stupid person. Yep, band it was. But...what instrument to play? There were so many choices. There were drums and horns (known as "instruments"). There were also clarinets and flutes (or "gaystruments"). My life hung in the balance.

Being a moderate young man, I chose a somewhat androgynous instrument: the tenor saxophone. It was the perfect solution. It was heavy (proving my strength), made of shiny brass (showing I could appreciate beauty), and a total babe-magnet (proving it was a saxophone). But it was also a woodwind, and needed a slow, tender hand like that of a smoldering lover. I had listened to a lot of Pointer Sisters that previous summer and knew that girls liked that kind of thing. Turned out, that was a total lie. After a few years I dropped the sax and quit the band altogether. Reason? Overt deception by The Pointer Sisters.

After giving up the sax I decided to not do anything at all for about 3 years. Then, one fateful day in 1988, I decided to buy a guitar. But being only a high school student, I had not the means to do so. So I bided my time; waiting until after graduation. Then I got my first full time job! Finally I could afford to fulfill my dream! As soon as I could, I went out and got…married. But right after that, my wife and I got…a baby. But then, after only several decades, I bought a nice Yamaha acoustic guitar.

But it was hard so I gave it up in about a week. I gave the guitar to my Mom.

Eventually though I bought another guitar and, this time, I stuck with it. I am at a level now where having my guitar “pretty much” in tune is unacceptable. I need to keep it tuned as precisely as possible. I am still learning how to tune by ear, but for now that skill is beyond my ability. In the meantime, I require an electronic tuner. When I bought my original guitar (the one I gave away), there was a small tuner included. It did the job, more or less. But, it required almost complete silence to display an accurate reading.

The Snark tuner is
brought to you by the letter E

But now I have a great little electronic tuner that clips on the neck of the guitar. It's called a Snark Tuner and it's all the rage these days (or so the dude at the music store tells me). The Snark gives a very precise reading, even in the loudest environments. That's great for those of us who prefer playing non-amplified (i.e. campfire acoustic players). It can do this (apparently) due to its having been designed to detect the vibrations of the strings, as opposed to the sounds coming from said vibrations. Seriously, all I have to do is barely tap a string. Though I can hardly hear a sound, the Snark detects the vibration and displays an accurate reading. The Snark comes in several versions; I have the SN1 (pictured). It is clips to the end of the guitars neck. The SN1 is made specifically for tuning a guitar.

"But Mr. Blogonet, I don't play a manly instrument like the guitar!" I hear you cry. "I play a sissy instrument. Why can't they ever make something for me? You know, just because I play the piccolo doesn't mean I'm not worth it. WAAA!!!".

Well first of all, don't be such a big baby. Stop bawling. Honestly, have you no self respect? I will turn this post around! Okay...that's better. Here's a cookie and a juice box. Just calm down and listen. The Snark people also make an "all instrument" tuner (with extended frequencies), as well as tabletop versions of both. I really love mine. Unlike other tuners I have owned, it shows more than just what "letter" I am tuned to. It uses a virtual tuner "needle" to display changes, even very minute ones, in pitch. This allows for highly precise tuning. So much so, even a slight change in the guitars temperature will be shown on the Snark meter. This can happen after holding it against your body for a few minutes. Or for hours. Or spooning with your guitar after a steamy night of finger picking. It can happen...what?

Oh, and the best part of this nifty tuner? The price. The Snark (at least the one I bought) is less than $30. Like a great man/boy once said, "It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.".