Unrated20something

In and Out

2011-01-18T03:32:00.003-06:00

Of the 3 guys I had previously posted about, I wound up being in a long term relationship with the 3rd, who is in the army for the next few years. He and I were exclusive for almost a year while I picked up my life and moved out to the west coast. Since my boyfriend was stationed in upstate New York I rarely saw him. We did talk constantly, and emotionally I was very much engaged with him. Once I had enough time to really spend face to face with him, however, it became very clear to me that we are not at all compatible in a day to day situation. Unfortunately for us we had already begun to talk about marriage, and when I ended things this past weekend, I am sure it came as quite a shock to my boyfriend. The problem with my (now) ex is, while he is really an intelligent guy, he has not achieved a high level of social etiquette. When he was in high school he was addicted to drugs, and he stayed that way until his mid 20s. Even though he has been clean for a few years, and sober for one, no one really taught him to eat properly, pick up after himself, and be conscious of others. Living with someone like that means constantly nagging a man who should know better, and living in a constant state of chaos. My plans for the future do not include that type of chaotic existence. Ironically as soon as I was starting to realize my boyfriend's faults another blast from the past came at me. Yet another ex boyfriend from when I was younger resurfaced, and was interested in reconnecting with me romantically. It is seriously strange to me that I experience this so often. This particular guy happened to date me for about 6 months starting the summer prior to my freshman year of college. He was in the navy, and when he was sent out to Florida to serve we weren't able to keep the relationship going. After a while he got married, had a little girl, and was injured which got him released from duty. Every few years, like clockwork, he would track me down via some sort of electronic pathway, to see how I was doing. I was never able to figure out why he insisted on contacting me when he clearly had another life in full effect. Now that he is divorced, with full custody of his 4 year old daughter, and about to finish his bachelor's degree, he finally owned up to needing to know where I am because he still has feelings for me. Considering that the internet has come a long way since 2000, it is far easier for us to have contact. He admitted that he regrets letting me go, and that his intentions are to marry me. After so many years of having men come in and out of my life like a revolving door it's hard for me to understand why I am flooded with men from my past who have declared the longest-term intentions possible. Is this a good thing? Did I do something to bring this about? Do others have this type of situation arise constantly? I really don't know, but I have to find out what works best for me. I certainly know at this point that I don't want a man with baggage, or without manners. I'm just going to have to buckle my seat belt, and hope for the best ending to this adventure.

The N Factor

2010-03-20T19:58:00.003-05:00

There are currently 3 men that want to marry me. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say, but it's true. The first is an ex boyfriend (who I dated during the hiatus in which I rarely posted...sorry followers!) who is totally and completely NOT what I am looking for. Dating him was a side effect of being in between jobs. Having no direction in my life was what allowed him the opportunity to even go out with me. Now that I am doing well in my career I have no attraction to him whatsoever. The second guy is my ex from college who I was sure I would marry when I was living with him. We broke up because he is Catholic (non-practicing), and couldn't stand the idea that I would have Jewish children. Now that he has a young daughter, and is getting divorced from his first wife he realizes that he was an idiot. The major problem with him is that he now comes with a ton of baggage, and has yet to finalize his divorce. The third guy is a friend from high school who I have recently become quite entangled with emotionally, and who is in the army for the next few years. None of the 3 guys are currently available to me in actuality, and though I don't doubt their intentions, I don't know what's in store. Currently I feel that I need to keep looking because even if something is to work out, it won't be for a while. I miss being in a relationship. I would like to say I have a boyfriend. I don't know, however, how feasible that will be.

The Unanswered Question

2010-02-24T23:41:00.002-06:00

I always wonder why it is that guys act the way they do. Most of the time there is some insight that I have from guy friends about a particular guy's actions, but why they bail almost always alludes me. My coping mechanism is to cease to care at all, which will eventually make me a jaded b*tch. I am hoping to avoid this ending. Only twice have I ever attempted to either get a last word in, or ask why from the guy who bailed. When I did either of those things I usually got some answers, and the actions had no effect on whether or not the same guy who stopped contacting me would attempt to contact me a few months later. I used to think that my silence somehow encouraged the reconnection situation, but I now think the two are unrelated. Even my mother noticed this perpetual loop I seem to be in with certain guys. It's nice to be a memorable person, but it's hard when the connection with someone is there, then lost, then back again constantly. I'm on some sort of love merry-go-round, and it's not a fun ride! I'm ready to get out of this circus. Moving across the country will certainly limit the access a lot of the Chicago guys have to me, and thus will curb a certain amount of the problem. Since I am leaving I decided to attempt to get an answer from Adam about why he decided to cease contacting me. I told him that I would simply like some feedback from him, and that I did respect his decision, and promised not to turn this into a discussion nor reply to his answer. I would seriously like some insight from the horse's mouth. As of yet I have not received any messages, but I do hope that he gives me something. The last guy I asked told me that he really prefers stick figures (i.e. I was too curvy to date him) which didn't really help me at all. Most guys who date me already know that I am a curvy girl, and are usually really into that. Either this last guy was just lying, or his situation was atypical. I'm sure there are personality traits that are being perceived as not worthy of being a girlfriend type, and those are what I need to alter in order to change my luck with men. Ironically enough I do have the 2 guys in the background that are both looking to marry me. It's quite strange to be split into the categories of not-relationship-material, and then future-wife at the same time. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

History Repeats Itself

2010-02-16T20:13:00.002-06:00

Of course I should have known that Adam would bail. Every time I find a guy who I would consider settling into a long term relationship with he jumps ship within the first few weeks. Conversely I will have guys I am not so interested in last for months at a time until I communicate to them that I will not pursue a committed relationship. If the guys I like would, at least, communicate that they don't want a relationship I would be much happier. In the case of Adam, as with almost all of the others, he just simply stopped calling. I was text messaging him on Friday of last week about weekend plans, and his last text to me said that he would get back to me shortly. More than a week has passed. Either Adam has a severely warped sense of time, or he got scared. For whatever reason it's over. Ironically, Adam also falls into the category of guys that spend 3-6 months away from me, and eventually come crawling back into my life. Since I will have moved to LA in the beginning of June Adam will be out of luck. I am so ready to move to a new city it's crazy! I will be very happy in a nice warm climate, and knee-deep in a completely new dating pool.

Push and Pull

2010-02-02T21:19:00.003-06:00

I have been sketching. I have been drawing long skirts and dresses. It seems that I am going through a mental exercise to see if I could find ways to dress modestly if I had to, according to the laws in Judaism. Why would I be putting so much effort into something this big with a guy I barely have started seeing? It's crazy. I don't think that it really has a lot to do with Adam. Granted if Adam and I would get serious with one another many things in my life would have to change. I think, though, that this has more to do with integrating my childhood in religious schools, and the artistic, extroverted self that I am today. I feel like the community failed me as a child. I spent most of the time in the Jewish community feeling as though I was not accepted, and I was unworthy of being recognized. It wasn't until I was in public high schools that I felt I could really express myself. My personality developed in the massive mix of ethnicity, and span of economic background that I found myself in when I finally left the religious school system. Here I am at 27 years old finally trying to find a way to combine both of these elements. Perhaps, in a way, it allows me the opportunity to stop opposing the option that I would be with a guy who is more religious than I. It was never something I had considered before. I won't be committing to changing myself tomorrow, but I am not ruling it out either.

Magic Formula

2010-01-31T21:07:00.004-06:00

Men are bad at picking up signals. They resort to time lines and guidelines as a way to navigate the treacherous curve on the road to committed relationships. Unfortunately this results in a lot of cryptic messages and communications in the beginning of any new dating situation. Talking to my guy friends I realize how completely different men think than women. I try to remember this when I am first starting out with a guy, but even though I can manipulate the behaviors I exhibit I cannot control the emotions that naturally accompany the beginning. The butterflies in the stomach, the rush of the new possibilities, and the panic that comes with the uncertainty of intentions on the part of the guy. I have learned over the years how to control my behaviors in order to seem cool and collected, but the reality is that the accompanied emotions are still there. I am a total girl in all of the ways I do not appear at the surface. Ironically I think that I had the same amount of response from guys I was dating regardless of if I played it cool or completely went with my emotions. On some levels it's great to be able to control my outward appearance. On other levels I really am lying to myself, and pushing back emotions that would otherwise come out. I never lost a guy who would have stayed because I was emotional, and I don't think the guys that really want to be with me would leave if I stop playing it cool. I guess I'm just a work in progress.

All In

2010-01-31T20:55:00.003-06:00

I spent the last week in limbo. Adam did a great job of returning my texts, but didn't initiate contact on his own. Since I am well aware of the differences between us I was concerned that he would be as well. I stopped texting him for 2 days, and he didn't make any effort to see what I was up to. I feared for the worst. Finally I sent him one last text message on Friday, and I swore to myself that if he didn't respond I would cease to contact him completely. Thankfully Adam replied. He wanted to call me on Saturday evening. I told him I would be available after 7:30pm, and he sent me a text at 8pm to say that he would call me in a while. The half-hearted contact only served to make me feel the anxiety more intensely. I finally called Adam myself after an hour passed. The conversation was completely normal, but short. I kept waiting for him to get into telling me that we can no longer see each other. That moment never came. He did, however, have to go babysit for his niece so we only spoke for a few minutes. Once he was at his sister's house he sent me a few texts, but never responded to the last one I sent about making plans for the following day. One of my guy friends called me to go out with him that same night, and after a few drinks I checked my phone to see if Adam had replied to my message. He never had. I sent him a few texts demanding to know what his intentions were, and he only responded with "awkward." I figured it was over. I put him on the spot, and he still didn't give me an answer. The next morning I woke up to find a few texts from him. He said that he planned to see me later that day, yet never gave me a time. For a few hours I heard nothing from Adam. I carried on with my day until about 4pm when he finally wanted to know when I would be available. Once he was at my place things seemed fine. He explained to me about the things he is studying, and showed me his notes. I finally realized that this guy is really intelligent, and will get completely absorbed into whatever he is doing. What would have been the brush off from another guy is just a complete zone out on his part. He wasn't ignoring me. He ignores anything that is not what he is reading. Once I was with him he was intently focused on me. It was great. I did tell him that I worry about how emotionally available he may (not) be after his last relationship dissolved the way it did. I think that things are far more open between us now, and I am getting to know the particulars about this person. In the process I seem to be learning a lot about myself.

Merging

2010-01-28T10:11:00.002-06:00

So here it goes: I am a Jew. I have always grown up in a semi-religious house. This means that we kept kosher in the house very strictly, and as a child I went to Jewish day school. I am educated in all of the laws of my religion, but I am not totally religious. It makes for a weird mix. Outside of the house I will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but I don't eat pork or seafood. I go to synagogue on holidays, but I do not keep Sabbath. I speak fluent Hebrew, and I have many Israeli friends. Dating guys who are not Jewish is a bit hard, but sometimes dating Jewish men is even harder. Because a non-Jewish guy would not understand all of the particulars of Judaism, I have to explain a lot to them regarding how and why I do things. Since it is not their culture, however, they can respect my decisions even though they only sometimes effect how we do things as a couple. For Jewish men this is part of their own heritage, and they usually fall on one or the other sides of me. For instance, Adam grew up in a similar family to mine, and his family was semi-religious. Now, he has become more religious, and is actually a rabbi! While I am happy that he found something that he is passionate about it makes things complicated if we would ever get serious together. Adam would not eat non-kosher food to any degree, so we could only go out to a few restaurants together, and taking any type of vacation would have to planned out according to nearby food resources as well as times for the Sabbath. He is also of the mind that his future wife (and his last wife, but more on that later) will dress in skirts that cover her knees, shirts that cover her shoulders, and wear a scarf or wig to cover her hair when in public. I don't think that at any point in my life I would choose that degree of modesty for myself. This would never be an issue for me with a non-Jewish guy. The tricky part is that while the non-Jewish guys can respect my decisions it is impossible for them to really participate in any portion of that part of my life. In order to be happy I need both sides to mesh. While it is possible for me to lean on family and friends for my religious needs it still feels like something is slightly off. Also, when there are future children involved things get more complex. I will have Jewish kids, and I refuse to raise them in a way that doesn't educate them on what the beliefs of their religion are. What that means is that if my future husband is not Jewish I will have to do it all myself, and it will not allow any room for his religious beliefs to come through. I understand that it will be tough for him to have that dynamic, almost as much as it would be for me to wear skirts and cover my hair. So the only way I think anything would work out is for me to only get serious with a guy who is religious to the same degree as I am, or near it. When there are so many other personality traits that are necessary for compatibility I think this one might limit me completely within the dating pool. It's quite frustrating. So as for Adam's ex-wife: She came from a non-religious family, and changed completely for the relationship. Now that they are divorced she has reverted back to her old life. Adam's daughter will never get to grow up in a household that he originally imagined for her. Reconciling that is immense for anyone. What I know for me is that what I already do on my own is what I will do in the future. Since Adam works in the financial field despite being a rabbi, he is not the type of guy who needs to be the example for the community like the rabbi who leads a congregation would be. If he can realize that I will always practice certain key elements despite not dressing as modestly as he would like then he would know that through thick and thin I would uphold those things on my own. He would never have to worry that if we would split up that anything would change. At this point, however, I don't even know if he will take that chance. I guess it's really too early to tell, and he may have already cut and run.

Brad's Last Stand

2010-01-26T23:57:00.003-06:00

While the last time I posted about Brad was about a year ago, he has recently been on my mind. After he and stopped speaking consistently, he still would send me emails from time to time about how busy he was. Not once did Brad ever attempt to make plans with me so I would just shoot him a short reply and promptly forget about it. After nearly a year of this happening every 4 months or so Brad actually started to call me again. He made an effort to take me to a play with him in December when he was given an extra free ticket. Unfortunately Brad wanted me to take the train down to theater in time for the start of the show at 9pm, and then escort myself back home on the north side of the city after the show ended at 11pm. Considering that the cold weather combined with the late hour would guarantee me a long and cold commute home I respectfully declined the invitation. Personally, I don't think that the appropriate way to reconnect with someone you dated is to make them do all the work themselves. If Brad wanted me to go to the show he should have at least offered to drive me home, and perhaps even gotten coffee with me before or after the show. Shortly after the invitation was offered (and declined) he attempted to start discussing future plans with me. Via email I explained to him that I had been fed up with the constant emails about how busy he was, and that if he couldn't find a moment to meet up with me in an entire year I was not willing to see how long it would take for him to get his act together. I told him that he should just stop trying, if trying was ever really involved. To his credit, though, he replied: I am sorry that was the impression I gave you. It seems that what was tried, primarily, was your patience. I laughed so hard reading that! I guess the man knows how to make an exit.

Through the Desert

2010-01-26T23:23:00.003-06:00

It has been an unusually long while since I last posted. I do apologize. Lately it seems that lots of things have been happening, and each situation gave me enough time to appropriately handle it. I did not wind up with a boyfriend in June. The guy eventually turned out to be just like the rest, and found a way to completely forget to put in effort with me. There was also an incident involving the ex-boyfriend of my ex-best friend who tried to date me. The strange thing was that he would text message with me throughout the entire day for weeks on end, but it turned out that he actually had a serious girlfriend who he had been with for about a year! The whole thing was really strange, and it was quite funny to me once it was over. As of right now things are kind of up in the air. My ex-boyfriend from college, who I was with for over 2 years, is back in the picture. He is getting divorced from the woman he married shortly after we broke up. He also has a child. Things are very complex for him right now, and he is in the Army, so he is in Iraq at this time as well. He and I have had very long conversations about what is happening with him, and how he can cope with all of the mess ahead of him. While there is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between us it will be at least a year before he and I can even think about having a relationship. Right now I am mostly a supportive friend, and someone who he can connect with in ways that he cannot with others. We always were very close. We were so close that his wife wouldn't allow us to talk at all during the time they were together. I hadn't spoken to him in over 5 years when he emailed me to apologize for his behavior. Part of me hopes that we can be together, but I know it is not something I can legitimately wait for at this point. He was the one that I thought I would marry, and that didn't happen. Part of me does feel a certain relief, though, when he admitted to me that everything missing from his marriage was something that he found in me. He feels that he was not with an equal partner, and he essentially married the wrong girl. I have to say that gave me a certain amount of closure on things that were unresolved for me from that relationship. Another guy who is floating around in my life is a friend I have known since I was a freshman in high school. He and I had crushes on each other, but never acted on them. About 2 years ago we started being "friends with benefits" and that was pretty much it. Lately, the situation has become a bit more intense, but he is working in upstate New York. Aside from the geographical hardship I also feel that he has yet to really become the man that he will be. Mostly it is just a great connection that will probably never materialize into a committed relationship. Since, of course, everything happens in 3s there is one more guy in the picture. Recently I went to concert that some friends of mine were playing in, and I ran into the older brother of my friend from grade school. I remember him being so old to me since I was in 7th grade, and he was in high school. Now that I realize he is 29 and I am 27, we are practically the same age. His name is Adam. Adam is back in Chicago after having finalized his divorce over this past summer. He has a 2 year old daughter who he visits every month on the east coast. I didn't ever expect to see him again, and it was quite strange to be on a date with someone who I had a crush on as a tween. I do really like him, but I also know that he is most likely on the rebound right now. I cannot expect too much from him. Considering that my job will move me to LA in another 5 months I definitely should not be getting my hopes up. Part of me wants to see what happens, and the other part of me would like to strap on my parachute with my finger on the eject button. Since our date I have texted him a few times over the last 2 days following our date. He has yet to make future plans with me, but does respond to the texts. I will stop initiating contact with him since he has yet to initiate anything with me. I want to see what he does when I give him some space. Hopefully he will pick up the ball and run with it when I put it in his court.

Possibilities

2009-06-04T23:44:00.002-05:00

Though each guy had a different face, name, and personality I feel like they all blend together in similar ways. No matter how things started they were always going to fail. The key ingredient was different on each person, but one thing was always missing. How do you have a relationship with someone who isn't fully worthy? I guess the answer is that you don't. I met a guy recently who is similar to myself in many ways, and also has his own unique sensibilities and interests. I find myself in long conversations with him constantly, and it's really refreshing to finally have someone that I connect with in that way. On top of that he is not into playing games with me, and has been really consistent about finding time to hang out, and I don't feel like I have to second guess myself before calling him. My mother will even approve because he is a nice Jewish boy. Now, of course, we haven't yet slept together (so there may be a hitch to the plan, but it's too early to tell) so I cannot tell how he is in bed. I can say, though, that as long as things continue in the current path that I may very well have myself a real, live boyfriend! Relationships take two people, and both parties have to put in effort to make things work. For the past 3 weeks I was appropriately expiration dating a guy who was in town on business for a month. He leaves to go back to the west coast tomorrow afternoon. The consistency of having a guy around who made regular plans to see me was great, but obviously the situation would be very short lived (thus the "expiration" part of the dating scenario). It was nice to get my feet wet with him, but having this new guy who lives here take interest in me allows me to think that perhaps I am finally able to have a long term relationship. It has been nearly 3 years since anything closely resembling a relationship has lasted over 3 months. Now, I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch (we all know, with me, chickens tend to find their ways to fly the coup), but there is a real possibility here, and that is a lovely thought. Perhaps things will really work out after all.

Cold Turkey: Dead Meat?

2009-01-29T23:42:00.003-06:00

It has officially been over 30 days since I last had sex. Considering that this has not occurred since I became sexually active at the age of 16 this is quite the landmark. In a decade I have managed to rack up over 30 partners, and never get to the end of a pack of birth control pills without getting laid. I can say, though, that I am rather pleased with myself. When I was in relationships it was great to have consistent sexual gratification, but as a single girl (which I have been for about 2 years now) having sex that often is more headache (and heartache) than it's worth. The last few partners I have had didn't really stick around long enough for me to trust them to a point that I could let go in bed. By holding back I really was there to get them off, rather than allowing myself to even get to the point of orgasm. In actuality, it was the least gratifying sex I have had. I'm better off with my "battery powered friends" in the long run. Quitting sex cold turkey has been beneficial to me on many levels. Perhaps someone who is really worthwhile will come along and break my hiatus, but in the mean time I am not looking to fill the space with men who are not looking for commitment. When you can look at your sex life, and find a way to pitch it as a Lifetime Friday night movie: That's when you know something has got to change.

Strong Start and Weak Finish

2009-01-23T21:26:00.005-06:00

Brad has also become a thing of the past. When I went to the symphony with him two weekends ago, another side of this "perfect guy" revealed itself: Brad is 37 going on 57. The man was entirely too comfortable going to bed every weeknight at 10pm, and never making any plans during the work week. Considering that I work a retail schedule there would be very little likelihood that I would be able to get too many weekend days off. This meant that Brad was unwilling to make any changes to his routine, even if it meant that my involvement in his life was limited. Also, his constant fascination with listening to oldies and barbershop quartets, along with driving a mid 1990s Oldsmobile really solidified his status as a senior citizen. I would rather be single than bored. As of Tuesday I am also off of the dating website. I think that I really need a break from the insanity of dating guys I meet online. Not once has it ever worked out for more than 3 months, and I am more comfortable reading people in person than trying to decipher their profiles online. At some point I hope to actually wind up in a relationship, but nothing can be forced. More than anything I really just need to concentrate on the personal and professional goals. Love is better off being left to chance at this point.

Relief

2009-01-08T21:42:00.003-06:00

The update on Dave is as follows: After our date (in his self-admitted true Gemini nature) he decided that he was unsure that he was actually looking for a serious relationship. Dave assured me that we did have a connection, but considering his unstable state he doesn't feel it would be fair to keep seeing me or any female. On top of that, he is also leaving the country for an extended period of time. I told Dave that I appreciated the response and wished him luck. While knowing that there was no way Dave and I could be together (in the capacity in which I wanted), it was nice to know that I didn't do anything weird that freaked him out. Quite shortly after Dave came and went I finally met a guy who is actually looking for a relationship. Within the first date we made plans for a second, and since that point I have not had a single second thought before deciding to call him. With the guys who were not really looking for something serious I constantly felt like I was tip-toeing around trying to gauge their interest level. With Brad I can tell that he likes me, and things are far more relaxed. I have seen him 3 times so far, and we have plans tomorrow night as well. On the days I don't see Brad there is at least a text message or a phone conversation between the two of us. The best part: Brad isn't lacking any key element that would keep me from finding him to be an appropriate partner. He is older than me, more established, smart, interested in a vast array of things, has a career, is extremely tall, and is talkative. I haven't even logged onto my online dating account in over a week as a result. Hopefully things will continue on this path, and I will have a real live boyfriend in the not-too-distant future...

Never Too Early

2008-12-17T01:19:00.002-06:00

As soon as Dave was a prospect he was a has-been. After our very exhilarating date I heard absolutely nothing from him. I sent him a text message in the later morning, and he sent back a single sentence reply a few hours later. Since that point I have heard not one word from this man I was so very excited about. At this point it has been an entire week since our date. For whatever reason he decided that I wasn't worth pursuing. Talking to my best guy friend I realize that I may be a little too good at letting go. Perhaps I could come back towards the middle of the road on this issue as opposed to being on the far end of "being the one who calls." Sometimes, with the way I operate, it almost seems like a stand off. I may be contributing to the pattern more than I know. Since my Father left the family when I was very young I think that the idea of being left by someone is quite scary to me. Putting the first foot out the door has become a way of being in control of the situation, but sometimes it's better to just let things happen without helping them along. I sent Dave an email today to figure out what happened. The wording was very casual, and mostly said that I had enjoyed meeting him, that I hadn't heard from him, and I was curious what his thoughts were on the situation. Since I don't have ESP I can only get what is given to me. Since our date had 3 parts to it, but the continuation of the date from part 1 to parts 2 and 3 were suggested by him, I could have only deduced that he liked my company and was eager for more. Dave disappearing after the date, and not calling doesn't fit the pattern. Perhaps something happened later on that made him feel like it would not be a good idea to call. At the risk of being a complete "girl" about it I had made up my mind to let sleeping dogs lie. My actions today are completely counter-intuitive. I just poked my sleeping dog with a stick. At this point I can only wait and see what happens. I highly doubt the email will motivate him to call me for another date, but I do hope that it contains some insight as to what I may have done to cause him to jump ship.

Ditch-o-meter

2008-12-09T20:49:00.002-06:00

The same way some people can smell when it's about to rain is the way that I can sense a guy is about decide to stop calling me. I can virtually put my finger in the air and feel which way the wind is blowing. The last guy is totally out of the picture. We went on our last date the weekend before last and had a great time. I texted him a time or two over the next two days and he responded, but would not initiate contact. I left him alone and heard nothing over the following two, almost three days until I got a text message that our date for this past weekend was cancelled. Not only was his friend not going (therefore we were not going) to the concert, but he had already made plans to see a boxing match on pay-per-view instead. That was it. I cannot say for sure what it was that caused him to lose interest, but I'm pretty sure it is based on the fact that he is still in school, has a job, and lives at home with his parents. Dating a girl who is living alone, has graduated college years ago, and has a career path is fairly emasculating. Either way I'm still a bit bewildered by the whole experience. He had introduced me to his parents and taken me out to meet his friends before all of the this madness. What's done is done, though, and I am going to keep his number only on the off chance that he decides he was an idiot about 3 months from now (which is the usual operating procedure for the guys who bail like this). As of last night a new prospect has entered the picture. I went on my first date with a guy named Dave, who seemed nice but boring from his profile on the dating site. When I met him in person, though, he was pretty laid back and far more attractive in person. Our political and religious beliefs are virtually identical (which is usually the hardest part), and we have the beginnings of chemistry. As long as he is not in love with the constant pursuit of other women on the dating site, and can put forth some consistent effort in seeing me in the future I would say this one's a keeper. For now it's far too early to tell.

Notches

2008-12-03T01:23:00.004-06:00

It can be very hard to see your failures displayed proudly in front of you all at once. When I go through the "your matches" section of the dating site much of my love life over the last year and a half is right in front of my eyes: The crazy guy I should have avoided, the one that wouldn't stay with me because I refused to become a trophy wife, the man with too many issues to count, the one I had sex with on the first date and didn't call me back after (I really should have seen that one coming), the one that chatted with me online but could never meet me in person, and the guy I'm seeing now. The current one, as said before, has been consistently logging on to his account daily. I haven't noticed until now because I wasn't on there to check on him, but ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is what allowed me to think that it was a good idea to really consider being with him. Now that I see he hasn't skipped a beat I'm worried that the connection was really all in my head. For the entire day I haven't received even one text message. Yesterday I had to send him one in order to get a response. Tomorrow will tell where this relationship is really headed, though I don't have high hopes. Honestly, the only reason I keep beating this dead horse is because I know that my other options are fruitless. Unless I am out at a bar with my friends I work around women and gay men. No potential suitors are going to be crossing my path unless it occurs online. There is a certain part of me that almost wants to give up, but I do crave that connection with someone that my girlfriends just cannot make up for. When I have no one I wind up with lots of guys in the picture as a result. With all of that stacked against me I'm not sure what my next move is. Also, since the guy I'm seeing is rather fit physically, and I have been unable to go to the gym for the last few months I feel as if I am unworthy of his affections. When I'm with him I don't feel that he is judging me, but I don't see that giddy "she's nekked!" glitter in his eye either. Nor are there any mind blowing compliments coming my way. Perhaps he is willing to put up with me physically because he likes me as a person, and he wouldn't throw me out of bed. That alone is a scary thought to me as well. Even without working out I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, just a little softer than usual. With him, however, his behavior indicates there may not be "more of me" to love.

Newbie

2008-12-01T19:53:00.002-06:00

The initial stages of dating are always both elating and terrifying. The butterflies and first kisses are wonderful, but after the 4th or 5th date the "where is this going?" question starts to pop into every woman's head. One of the things I pride myself on is being able edit some of the things that women say which scare men. Instead of being overly emotional I can play it pretty cool. Every once in a while, though, I cannot control my emotions. The guy I am seeing right now (who is not the same one I posted about earlier) has been in the picture for about 3 weeks. We have gone out alone and with his friends. He doesn't seem to be a big phone guy, but he is good about text messaging me pretty consistently. I think that he is the type of guy that I could really be with long-term. This realization is both sweet and sour for me. It has been years since I could say that I really felt safe with someone. Since we met online, there are certain things that come into play in this particular situation. The first is that we do not know each other through anyone else, so there is no one to vouch for either of us. The second is that we can see when the last time we went on the dating site is, and that can be a blessing an a curse. Out of curiosity I went online to check my profile (and hide myself in searches), and decided to check up on him. Turns out he logged on last night. I'm not really sure that this means he is still looking, but it wasn't the best feeling to see that he is still an active member in the online dating world. I feel like if I say nothing then I will be the one at fault, but I don't really think now is the time to be doing that type of thing. If he is on the edge, then pulling something like that will only cause him to bail. There is always the possibility that he was on there last night checking if I had logged on (which I hadn't)...so for now I have to curb the urge to speak.

Coppertop

2008-11-19T00:30:00.003-06:00

I went on a small set of online shopping sprees over the last few days. First, I decided that my wardrobe needed an update so I headed over to my favorite store (which is lovely about sending me great coupons) and spent about $150 on new clothes. After that I decided to have some fun at Target, and got new hangers (to save space since I am adding more clothes to my closet) among other things. The last of the shopping occurred today when I went onto drugstore.com and ordered a pumice stone, and two new vibrators. The last time I ordered vibrators on the site I accidentally sent the order to my father's address, though I did manage to have it cancelled before it was shipped. I guess the last purchase had been some gift items to him (none of which were battery powered), and when I went to ship my order his address was the default setting. It seems as if I wear out certain buzzing friends within about 6 months, so I tend to make sure I buy rather cheap ones so I don't feel badly when they have to be replaced. My only issue with some vibrators is that they take strange batteries, and it's hard to make sure I have replacements available when they start to purr with less enthusiasm. Generally speaking, I prefer for these little silicone buddies (usually disguised as brightly colored animals) to be small, cute, and work with AA or AAA batteries. Hopefully my package doesn't disappoint me...in more ways than one.

Back on the Market

2008-11-11T23:18:00.002-06:00

I have been in some version of hell for the last few months. Shifting around things in my life puts me in a state of stress, and all I had done was shift one or more elements of my existence around. Now that I have a new job, a new apartment, and a new love life, I finally feel like things are settling down. For the first time in a few years I feel like I have structure, money, and a real home. Prior to moving into my first one bedroom apartment I was worried that I would be unable to adjust to having no one else around. It seems, however, to be rather relaxing to know that I can put things where I want them to go, and the level of cleanliness (or messiness) is entirely up to me. The only real situation arising at this point is that I need to maintain my focus on the fashion line despite having a full time job. Once all the "settling in" is over I will have no excuse to put it on the back burner. Ultimately in order to achieve a fully blissful state, I will have to push through the next few stages of my own business' development so that I can say, eventually, that my full time occupation is owner of my own company. The clock is ticking.

Hiatus

2008-08-18T21:09:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have not been able to bring myself to post what's going on with me because it's so friggin depressing. I am packing up my stuff to go into a storage unit, and move into a friend's place for a month or so until I can afford to get my own place. For the first time since I was 17 years old, I don't have my own place. While there are a few different places that I am applying to, I cannot be sure that I will have a job, or that the job I get with really give me enough money to make my ends meet. Being fearful about the future certainly puts a damper on the rest of the summer. Going through my things, I have to decide which things to take with me, and which go into storage. Functioning on an edited version of what I own. Living marginally. It's really scary. I am usually an optimist, but I guess life conspires to break people of good habits. I still am attempting to keep my head up. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Unglued

2008-08-07T09:39:00.002-05:00

Too many things are up in the air. When I decided to pair up with my girlfriend in the locksmith business I didn't anticipate her constant pursuit of money. We have yet to actually work this week, and now she is hoping to get us into a completely different line of work. At this point I don't know what to think. There is no reason that she has to keep working with me instead of anyone else, and I am not completely sure that she would stick to her word. Also, seeing that I am moving at the end of this month, and I have no money to do so, I was going to move in with her, and take over her extra bedroom in the meantime while we start working. Right now everything hinges on her actions, and if something keeps us from working together I am fearful that I will also need to find someplace to live in the meantime. The amount of stress I am under right now is far greater than almost anything I have experienced. Too many pieces of my life are completely undetermined. The more aspects I feel are up in the air, the more nervous I get. Since the only thing going well at this point is the fashion line, it is safe to say that I am nearly completely unglued. Something has got to give soon, before I fall apart.

Status Change

2008-08-04T22:52:00.002-05:00

Last week was a virtual roller coaster. I can say that I am excited that the result of a very trying incident involving my car's complete inability to hold onto it's coolant is my new job: I am going to get into locksmithing. I know it seems slightly strange that a fashion girl would get into deadbolts, but I think it could work. The schedule is fairly flexible, and the money should be great. I will be able to make enough money that I can save up and pay off some of my debts. The business will benefit from my new financial freedom as well. As far as the boys are concerned I still have both in the picture, though Mr. Hospitality is probably not going to be around for long. As great as the second date went, his absence for 17 days left us back at the awkwardness of the first date all over again. The likelihood that he will continue to initiate contact is slim. At this point, though, I cannot say that I would be disappointed. Having just one boy and two jobs is just fine for me.

Waiting

2008-07-17T20:08:00.002-05:00

Having never been good at realizing how much time has gone by I only knew it had been a while since I have had a job. Looking at my calendar I see that it has been almost 6 weeks. It seems ridiculous that I have been out of work for so long. When this all started I felt like there were so many opportunities available. I was in line for being a fashion teacher, then a cosmetics manager, now a co-manager at a clothing store. Only one of the opportunities is ruled out, but waiting forever to find out results is killing me. It never seemed to take this long for me to be hired by the jobs I hated, but here I am waiting to be hired by places I might like. Life is not fair, but this is bordering on absurd. Tomorrow is Friday, and I was told on Tuesday that I would know if the clothing store is hiring me by the end of the week. Considering I have not heard that any of my references received calls I can say I am not very hopeful. Perhaps something is written on my forehead that I cannot see myself, but potential employers do. These are the days that I seriously consider becoming a stripper.

Dating Sandwich

2008-07-16T22:03:00.002-05:00

At the moment I have two guys in the picture. A second date with Mr. Hospitality proved to be interesting. Perhaps since both of us are sociable due to the kind of work we do, we both were unable to read the interest level of the other. When I called him (on the Wednesday after our Saturday date) later in the week he was definitely able to find time to see me before he left for over seas. We had dinner, and followed it with drinks. The atmosphere was very relaxed, and I felt like he really opened up to me more freely than the first encounter. There was palpable chemistry, and we spent some serious time silent together after talking so much throughout the evening. Provided Mr. Hospitality stays in touch once he returns from his 18 day trip we will definitely be seeing one another. On the other side of things I had a great time with Jared, a rapper I met at a friends show a few weeks ago. He is very warm, but a bit unconventional (as one might expect from an artistic personality). Certainly Mr. Hospitality is a bit more grounded, and a lot hotter, but Jared has a beautiful energy about him, and I feel amazing around him. Each guy has certain things that draw me to him, and I cannot say for sure who will wind up sticking around. For now Mr. Hospitality is not around so I am spending my time with Jared. Only time will tell what can happen.