Unreasonably Dangerous Onion Rings

Pizza ≠ Vegetable

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Back in November, Congress declared that pizza was a vegetable in a funding bill that addressed subsidization of school lunches. A rider to the bill stipulated that ice cream counts as a calcium supplement and that a jar of bacon fat is now defined as a protein shake. I dare you… At least I think that's what happened. After all, look at all these headlines! Here's the Huffington Post (

Think Jesus Preached Love? Think Again.

2012-01-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

I want to start with a word. It's a simple word; it's only four letters long and not at all difficult to pronounce. It's anatomical in origin, it's almost 800 years old, and yet it still is considered by some people to be "one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock." The word is "cunt." According to the Online Etymological Dictionary, the word has

No Means No, Even If You're Justin Bieber.

2011-12-18T02:03:00.001-07:00

"Baby" by Justin Bieber is the most watched video on Youtube. It's been seen close to 700 million times for a collective watching time that would make you sad, so you can do the math yourself because I'm not telling you. It has garnered over seven million comments, and even if you think Justin Bieber's overrated or that his fans are insane to a degree that makes them a danger to themselves and

In Which Inhabitat Thinks That Magnets Are Magic

2011-12-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have written about Inhabitat—and the occasionally-somewhat-interesting items that they post—nine times now. This will be the tenth. For the newcomers: Inhabitat is a blog that will write about basically anything that even claims to be environmentally friendly, even if that thing is useless/impractical (examples 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5) or even downright impossible (here and here and also here). And

Attention Facebook Vigilantes: Shut The Fuck Up.

2011-12-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend of mine posted this on his Facebook wall. All I did was blank out the names. "Wow," I thought to myself, "those are both perfectly reasonable reactions to what I'm sure is a headline that has not been dramatized or blown out of proportion even a little." In my experience, people are always very reasonable and do lots and lots of background research whenever they say

The Seeds Of Jesus. In Your Mouth.

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I would like you to look at this product and tell me what it looks like to you. Ready? Did you say that it's candy corn? You silly, irreverent, blasphemous idiot. Those right there are harvest seeds. Wait, what? Yes. Allow me to enlighten you. Rebekah Kuschmider of the Washington Times found that out recently when she went shopping. They're sold from a site called DollarCross.com,

In Which Someone Gets Very Upset About A Chocolate Penis

2011-08-12T08:00:00.000-06:00

This is Elizabeth McClure. Yaaaaaayyyyy… She is approximately as little fun to be around as a person can be. Now I haven't met Elizabeth, so I'm just guessing, but here's why. In June, Elizabeth was eating her usual Cadbury's Nibbles, a delightful chocolatey treat, when she came across something that stopped her dead in her chocolate-eating, sense-of-humor-not-having tracks. Here's a

In Which I Ruin A Childhood Fantasy Of Yours. On Purpose.

2011-08-07T14:41:00.001-06:00

Remember when you were a little boy, killing small animals with knives and building fortresses out of dirt and sticks? Girls (55 percent of my audience), you can ignore this part. Anyway, the inevitable discussion that every single small boy has ever had is the following: if you could have any superpower, what would it be? And equally inevitably, someone said invisibility. Whether it was just

Cell Phones Do Not Cause Cancer. Still. Really.

2011-06-15T08:00:00.003-06:00

Listen, kids. Normally I try to come up with some kind of pithy title for my posts, often including a pun or a lot of swear words because I'm pissed off about whatever it is that's happening. Not today. And why, you ask? Because today I am sad. I am sad because the World Health Organization has declared that CELL PHONES DEFINITELY CAUSE CANCER AND YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY DIE A SWIFT AND

Presented Without Comment - June 8, 2011

2011-06-08T08:00:00.000-06:00

Presented Without Comment - June 1, 2011

2011-06-01T08:00:00.004-06:00

Presented Without Comment - May 25, 2011

2011-05-25T08:00:00.005-06:00

PETA: Purveyors of Excessive Tits and Asses

2011-05-23T08:00:00.002-06:00

You remember PETA, yes? They're the subjects of probably the angriest two posts I've written in almost two years of running this blog. I called them the most vicious hypocrisy since the Catholic Church, and I stand by that. If you want to read those two posts, here's part 1 and part 2. Anyway, in the beginning of that series, I mentioned that their ads were stupid and childish and that they

Number One Threat To America: More Coffee

2011-05-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

Earlier this month, Starbucks released the Trenta in stores across the country. The Trenta is a 31-ounce cup of coffee, only for use in their iced drinks. They've been testing it since last January, and apparently it's doing well enough to implement. The main objection that most people seem to have, and I do not know where exactly this came from, is that 31 ounces is more than the capacity of

Presented Without Comment - May 18, 2011

2011-05-18T08:00:00.000-06:00

A Perfect Storm Of What The Fuck Are You Talking About

2011-05-16T08:00:00.003-06:00

I've written about alternative medicine before. A lot. I wrote about Valkee, which is stupid, laser baldness treatment, which is stupid, and homeopathy, which is stupid. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it elsewhere too, but I can't find it all. And now, here's another one. It all started when I saw this sign in my local bike shop. The redacted parts are so stalkers can't figure out where I

Presented Without Comment - May 4, 2011

2011-05-04T08:00:00.001-06:00

Twenty Unintentionally Sexual Church Signs

2011-05-02T08:00:00.007-06:00

I have a theory, partially grounded in fact. First, the fact: pastors don't get laid. Religious attitudes toward sex vary, but they are inevitably prudish and ignorant. Some sects of Christianity think that any sex that isn't specifically for procreation purposes is sinful and that pastors/priests should be entirely celibate (Catholics), and some are more liberal, but I'm willing to bet that

The Two Most Horrifying Pieces Of Technology Ever Created

2011-04-29T08:00:00.002-06:00

Japan has a problem. And I'm not referring to their propensity for putting literally anything in vending machines, or their seemingly endless supply of anime tentacle rape porn (click here if you don't believe me, but you've been warned). I'm referring to old people. You see, Japanese people retire at 60, but have a life expectancy of 82. That results in roughly 19 million retired old people

Presented Without Comment - April 27, 2011

2011-04-27T08:00:00.003-06:00

Three Products To Announce To The World That You've Given Up

2011-04-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

You're getting older. Gone are the gallivanting days of being single, the one night stands, the keg stands, the ability to take 15 shots in a night and still function the next day. Gone is the six-pack that you could maintain on a diet of frozen pizza and Snickers bars, gone is your full head of hair. Gone are the days when you recognized the name of any artist on the radio. But that doesn't

Jesus Did Not Manifest Himself In A Branch. Stop It.

2011-04-22T08:00:00.001-06:00

Perhaps you've heard of pareidolia. It's a phenomenon wherein we see patterns and faces in places they're not in. It's the reason that we see :) as a smiley face. That's just two dots and a curvy line. It's a colon next to a closed parenthesis. And yet we see a face. It's the reason that when you look at that image on the right, it's nearly impossible to convince yourself that there is no

Presented Without Comment - April 20, 2011

2011-04-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

This Isn't Rocket Surgery

2011-04-18T08:00:00.003-06:00

First things first. This story came from Inhabitat. Based on the vast majority of my previous experience with Inhabitat, we can immediately assume that they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Second, they're talking about space and rockets, and based on my previous experience with basically any news source, no one knows what the fuck they're talking about in those fields. But

Logo Design Must Be Harder Than I Thought

2011-04-15T20:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not a graphically creative person. I'm a wordsmith, a sculptor of language. When it comes to actually making the pictures, I . . . well I don't do that. I pilfer from Google Images and put captions to them, which again is just with the words. That said, I've never thought it would be that difficult to design logos for companies. Maybe it's hard to come up with the ideas, but it shouldn't