Panalol

Keep Droning On

2019-11-30T09:33:00.001+11:00

I predict this meme will age well, just like the boomer generation :P

Seriously though, as an asian, I don't like this phrase, as disrespecting your elders with a matter-of-fact phrase isn't going to achieve anything. It just screams edgy teenager. Communicate and educate.

Learning from mistakes is one of the best ways to learn, but there's no reason they have to be your own. Life's too short to learn only from your own mistakes. After all, good judgment comes from experience; and experience is the capacity to recognise a mistake before you're about to make it again.
That's why my mum stopped having more kids after my younger brother was born (I kid ahahaha).

I wonder what the younger children of now, will think is archaic and old-school about my generation when they've grown up to become young adullts (aka angsty teens with a voice).

[It's been a while since I've posted on this blog, I've kept most of my shitposting private for the last few years, but maybe I'll revamp things again in 2020]

Universal Law

2016-08-13T22:53:00.000+10:00

Joseph Schooling beating Michael Phelps in swimming proves the old adage that no matter how good you are at something, there will always be an Asian kid better than you

[Parody] Wiz Khalifa - Black and Yellow

2016-07-29T07:40:00.000+10:00

Another parody from my old archives about the Uni(Di)versity of New South Wales.
Warning: it's straight-up unabashedly racist like the stereotypical Asian grandmother

The parody starts after the first chorus, at 0:35 - see the original song here:

Key

Chinese rapper

Indian rapper

Both rappers

Original Lyrics	Parody
[Verse 1:] Black stripe, yellow paint, them niggas scared of it but them hoes ain't Soon as I hit the club look at them hoes face Hit the pedal once make the floor shake	[Verse 1:] Small eyes, long weird names, look like terrorists, we look the same Badminton in Kensington on main walkways Rote learning is the Easyway
Suede inside, my engine roaring It's the big boy, you know what I payed for it And I got the pedal to the metal I got you niggas checking game I'm balling out on every level	Uniwide, so much torrenting Butter chicken, uni’s a hotpot melting It’s a sweet and sour, spicy power check my fob watch, to see when is cha time hour
Hear them haters talk but there's nothing you can tell 'em Just made a million, got another million on my schedule No love for 'em nigga breaking hearts No keys, push to start	Our acronym is Uni of No Stupid Whites Faculty of business is not F.O.B why? No love for us Harold and Kumar’s High? Fees, high ATARs
[Chorus:] Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is Everything I do, I do it big Yeah, uh huh screaming that's nothing What I pulled off the lot, that's stunting	[Chorus:] Yeah, uh huh, you know us exotics like James Ruse, good work ethnic Yeah, ar-ranged, marriage I’m plotting When I piss on toilet, I squatting
Repping my town when you see me you know everything Black and yellow [x4] I put it down from the whip to my diamonds I'm in Black and yellow [x4]	Repping U N S W’s colour branding Black and yellow [x4] It’s Chinatown that randwick is to my friends, we’re all Brown and yellow [x4]

[Parody] Pirates of Penzance - With Cat like tread

2016-07-29T06:17:00.004+10:00

A parody I wrote from the perspective of a surgeon who performs illegal organ harvesting. The lead surgeon 's name is Dr Yamaha, because he sells organs (badumtsh).
I do wish I wrote it a few years earlier, because it would have been perfect for Pirates of Cardiology: Dead Man's chest. The original song is pure entertainment as well.

Original song lyrics:	Parody:
Pirates: With Cat-Like Tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel No sound at all We never speak a word A fly's foot-fall Would be distinctly heard	Surgeon: With dodgy meds Upon patients we heal With suture thread Your organs we may steal We paid off all our massive uni debt Wonder how we afford Mansions, yachts and jets?
Police: Tarantara, Tarantara. Pirates: So stealthily the pirate creeps While all the household soundly sleeps	Patients: Tarantara, Tarantara. Surgeons: So stealthily the doctor creeps While all the patients soundly sleep
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary	Come friends, in surgery Need no permission Before the first incision Let’s take a new kidney With a little burglary
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary	Har-vest, illegally Need no permission Before the first incision Let’s take a new kidney With a little burglary
Samuel: Here's your crowbar And your centre bit Your life preserver You may want to hit	Dr. Samuel: Here’s your scalpel Slice dice cut and stitch Someone get more ice We will all be rich
Your silent matches Your dark lantern seize Take your file And your skeletonic keys With Cat like tread In silence dread	The HLA matches! With more greed we seize half the liver and just for kicks a teste! Needle and thread No consent said
With Cat-Like Tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel No sound at all We never speak a word A fly's foot-fall Would be distinctly heard	With skills from med Upon patients we steal In silence fled Into black-markets we deal You'll wake up sore Weight less than before A few more scars Pays for my five new cars
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary	Organs, I need money Pays for vacations kid’s private education You’ll have no memories Because we used roofies!
With cat like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel	Infected you with strep, You likely feel unwell. But you already had hep So half-price the organs sell
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary	Thank Gray’s, for anatomy An organ extraction For cash transaction Let’s Ignore Hippocrates Did he have a ferrari?
With cat like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel	Just rest in bed Your liver will re-heal In silence fled With rich old men we deal
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary With cat like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel	You’ll live, I guarantee Oops there’s complications Major perforation You have my sympathy Oh well more parts for me They are now dead I did not want to kill In silk threads Cry in my stack of bills
Come friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary With cat like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel	Grand theft autopsy Pays for litigation Get off on probation Oh god these lawyer fees It’s straight up burglary! With suture thread More organs we will steal All this cash With rich old men we deal (heal!)

[Parody] Michael Jackson - Black or White

2016-07-29T05:06:00.001+10:00

This was written with Amy, Scott, & Monish, for their closing song in their Med Revue. I'll try and upload a video of the performance when I can

Original Lyrics

Parody

I Took My Baby

On A Saturday Bang

Boy Is That Girl With You

Yes We're One And The Same

Now I Believe In Miracles

And A Miracle

Has Happened Tonight (hee)

But, If

You're Thinkin'

About My Baby

It Don't Matter If You're

Black Or White

They Print My Message

In The Saturday Sun

I Had To Tell Them

I Ain't Second To None

And I Told About Equality

And It's True

Either You're Wrong

Or You're Right

But, If

You're Thinkin'

About My Baby

It Don't Matter If You're

Black Or White

(Don’t you bet!) (heeehee)

I Am Tired Of This Devil

I Am Tired Of This Stuff

I Am Tired Of This Business

So When The

Going Gets Rough

I Ain't Scared Of

Your Brother

I Ain't Scared Of No Sheets

I Ain't Scare Of Nobody

Girl When The

Goin' Gets Mean

[L. T. B. Rap Performance]

Protection

For Gangs, Clubs

And Nations

Causing Grief In

Human Relations

It's A Turf War

On A Global Scale

I'd Rather Hear Both Sides

Of The Tale

See, It's Not About Races

Just Places

Faces

Where Your Blood

Comes From

Is Where Your Space Is

I've Seen The Bright

Get Duller

I'm Not Going To Spend

My Life Being A Color

[Michael]

Don't Tell Me You Agree With Me

When I Saw You Kicking Dirt In My Eye

But, If

You're Thinkin' About My Baby

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White

I Said If

You're Thinkin' Of

Being My Baby

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White

I Said If

You're Thinkin' Of

Being My Brother

It Don't Matter If You're

Black Or White

It's Black, It's White

It's Tough For You

To Get By

It's Black , It's White, Whoo

It's Black, It's White

It's Tough For You

To Get By

It's Black , It's White, Whoo

-----------------------------

I gave my statement

for the insurance claim

I tell my patients

that I’m never to blame

Things started to get spiritual

As the patient

started to flat line

At the

end of the

tunnel

when you see it

Don’t go into the light

I had a finger

up in a patient’s bum

I may have sneezed

and he got a perforation

And I wish I worked the city

But in rural

I know I’m

always right

At the

end of the

tunnel

when you see it

Don’t go into the light

Compress the chest! (heeehee)

Cut myself with the scalpel

Oops I broke my gloves

That’s why it’s called a Practice

Blood all over

my scrubs

Better not be

a lawyer

Get the ECG Leads

“Tried” to repair your body

But then I

lost your spleen

[Rap]

Operation

full of com-

plications

Causing grief to

all my patients

The blood loss

turns you and I pale

End up like MJ’s

doc in jail

See, I do hip replaces

lift faces

cases

Using defib

paddles

like tasers

Scalpel knife

gets duller

Putting the letters

ER into Error

[Michael]

Don’t tell all of the patients

That the hippocratic oath is a lie

So,

I can’t interpret xrays

what is that bit that’s black or white?

I don't know which lung

has the cancer

Should I cut open the

left or right?

I’m
rethinking of

being a doctor

Sick of giving

old men the kiss of life

On call, all night,

in ICU,

So give me

some slack, all right

On call, all night

It’s tough for us

to get by,

I’m not, always right, Whoooo

I’ll keep my job, and get by,

as long as you stay alive

Chasing the Dragonite

2016-07-14T15:40:00.002+10:00

This morning, walking around the 'hood playing Pokemon Go shivering from the cold in my baggy sweatpants and even baggier eyes, I finally find and catch a Scyther. Just 40 metres away, I notice a man in his 30's wearing trackies and a hoodie, just lounging in the area repetitively swiping on his phone. I presumed he was a fellow Pokemon player fighting the gym since he was swiping left & right repetitively, so being in an overly friendly and happy mood, I decided to excitedly approach him:

"Hey you know you can get a Scyther over there?!"

"A-what?" he replies

"A Scyther. It took several berries, but man the buzz you get when you finally get something new you know?!" I beam with a smile "And best of the luck going after the dragon mate [referring to the Gyarados at the gym], it's like over 1500-"
At this point I see his phonescreen and the only app he's swiping on, is a photo album, and I was sorely mistaken:
"-Uh...Nevermind, forget that"

"Um, okay..."

As I walk away, the fella runs up to me and flashes his badge "I'm actually a cop. You're a local right? Seen any suspicious drug activity lately?"

"Oh! Um, well I've been around this area from 1-2am for the last few nights after work and I haven't really seen anyone around"

"What are you doing here at those hours?" he asks with a quizzical eyebrow

"Not really sure, but yeah catching Pokemon after a busy 10 hour hospital shift sounds about right"

"Oh... yeah nevermind"

Google later reveals that 'Scyther' is slang for marijuana in the Bay area, 'berry' can mean ecstasy, and 'chasing the dragon' refers to smoking opium, or the elusive pursuit of the ultimate high in the usage of some particular drug.

Besides nearly incriminating myself as a local druggie, I guess in a way, I'm in the elusive pursuit of the ultimate high... catching 'em all. Childhood nostalgia is my drug.

Good Morning

2016-06-07T14:23:00.003+10:00

Instead of groaning, then rolling out of bed with a grumble as usual, this morning I uncharacteristically sprang out of bed, strode to the mirror and confidently whispered to myself "Let's do this"
Upon realising that today's a day off, I pointed to myself and replied "Well what do we say to the God of Procrastination? Not today" then slithered back in between the comfortable sheets of apathy and languor, to hibernate further into the warmth of idleness with a smile.
As I drifted off, I decided to convert to the religion of Snoozaism, an expression of the covenantal relationship between St Mattress and the Children of the Pillow. Sleeping in on Sundays is a sacrament. My God didn't create the world in seven days. He dreamt it. Hell is the hot side of the pillow. Purgatory is the snooze button on an alarm clock. ‪#‎newtonsfirstlaw‬

[Parody] Justin Bieber's Sorry - Hangry

2016-01-01T14:05:00.001+11:00

Is it too late now to say sorry?

Cause I regret what I said when I was hungry

We've all had those days where we become irritable and snappy just because we haven't had our stomach's satisfied. Here's an apologetic song for those moments.

Original tune the following parody is based off:

Parody lyrics in the right column:
n.b. Italics indicate an aggressive tone. Like a piano sheet, but instead of allegro, aggro.

Justin Bieber - Sorry	Parody
You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty You know I try but I don't do too well with apologies I hope I don't run out of time, can someone call a referee? Cause I just need, one more shot, at forgiveness I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice By once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred times So let me, oh let me redeem, oh redeem myself tonight Cause I just need one more shot at second chances	You gotta know I get angry when I'm really just hungry I become more irrational than vegans appalled of cheese Unless you have coeliac, shutting the fuck up is gluten-free Cause I just eat, for my thoughts, to help digest I know you know that I eat twice the suggested serving size By once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred times What's the point, of a fridge light, if you don't snack at midnight Cause it's food, it doesn't judge, it understands me
Yeah Is it too late now to say sorry? Cause I'm missing more than just your body ooh Is it too late now to say sorry? Yeah I know that I let you down Is it too late to say that I'm sorry now?	Yeah Is it too late now to say sorry? Cause I regret what I said when I was hungry ooh I get so irate when I'm on empty Yeah I bite when my stomach growls If I missed lunch don't hang around
I'm sorry, yeah Sorry, yeah Sorry Yeah I know that I let you down Is it too late to say sorry now?	I'm hungry yeah Angry yeah Hangry Yeah I know I had a meltdown So FUCKING GIVE ME MY GRILLED CHEESE NOW
I'll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two I'll go, I'll go and then you go, you go out and spill the truth Can we both say the words and forget this?	Fine I'll take a single slice of the cheesecake if you want me to But you know that there is no way I'm sharing this steak for two Vegies with cheese on a crouton, is just pizza say the truth Fold in half, and just say it's a sandwich?
Is it too late now to say sorry? Cause I'm missing more than just your body Is it too late now to say sorry? Yeah I know that I let you down Is it too late to say that I'm sorry now?	Is it too late now to say sorry? Cause I regret what I said when I was hungry I get so irate when I'm on empty Yeah I know I had a meltdown Sorry I'm just not myself right now
I'm not just trying to get you back on me Cause I'm missing more than just your body Is it too late now to say sorry? Yeah I know that I let you down Is it too late to say sorry now?	I'm swear I'm eating more healthy (oh nono) Cause I'm asking for more guacamole Is it too late now for more curry? Yeah give me dumplings to chow down and some nuggets, pasta plus hashbrowns
I'm sorry, yeah Sorry, oh Sorry Yeah I know that I let you down Is it too late to say sorry now?	I'm hangry yeah Hangry yeah Hangry Yeah give me icecream calm me down OR I'LL MAKE YOU FUCKING SORRY NOW

Previous post: Valentine Throwback
Previous parodies: Frozen's Let it Go & Ed Sheeran's A-Team

Valentine Throwback

2015-02-14T12:34:00.000+11:00

To celebrate Valentine's day, here's throwback to a fun 2011 skit I wrote about a man empathising with his mate over relationship issues.

Link: I <3 Ribs
<Lights up>
<B gets off the phone and gives a long sigh>

E: What’s wrong B?

B: I am having girlfriend trouble…

E: What, you can't find one? Kehehe.

B: argg…you know this is the reason I'm glad my girlfriend is

E: -imaginary?

B: No, lives in another state.

E: ...of mind? kehehe

B: No! Anyway, the problem.... it’s about sex.

E: What your imaginary girlfriend gave you imaginary herpes? Kehehe.

B: Erghh. Seriously, why do I attempt to bother having these discussions with you. Forget about it.

E: Ok, no, tell me. I’ll listen.

B: Nah forget about it

E: I’ll be serious this time.

B: Really?

E: I swear, no jokes.

B: ok… You know that look women get when they want sex?

E: <Thinks for a second> No

B: No?... me neither… Well I always wants to get down to do the hanky-panky, but it’s always the wrong time. She keeps telling me she has to be in the ‘mood’… (sigh) sometimes don't you just wish there was a female version of Viagra?"

E: No, not really. Why, has your girlfriend got a really flaccid penis? kehehe

B: aghhh.
<lights down>

In the mood for something more romantic?
Check out this two and a half minute musical item from the same show: Time :)

Related post: 2014 Valentine's - He wants the V-day
Previous post: A Preacher Curl

A Preacher Curl

2014-11-19T19:44:00.000+11:00

People spend thousands of dollars to maintaining their cars, neglecting to take care of the one vehicle we have to go all through life with:
our own body

Instead of buying clothes to look good, you should first prioritise spending time making the frame you put the clothes is excellent. A Lamborghini with a plain coat of black looks better than a Toyota Prius with a chrome finish.

'My body is a temple'

It goes without saying, but health is intrinsically linked to a good life. Thankfully I am healthy, but I've grown more preoccupied with the idea of exercise becoming a regular mandatory routine similar to brushing your teeth. So I recently joined a gym for the period of a month to see what the fuss was all about to literally & figuratively put the abs in my flabs (heh... 'figure' it out? hurdur... I'll shut up).

It was truly an eye-opening activity, given I did not know squat about squats (sorry not sorry).

Asians are great at squatting. That's why we're world renown for our big booty.

After a few weeks, I realised going to the gym, was like church for fitness freaks

A place for worship

In the beginning, you wake up in the morning not really wanting to go, but after you come home, your mind feels lighter and happier that you did. It's a world full of strange terminology, and whose workers are always inspiring you to try your best. It's a field that takes discipline and sacrifice to stick to the core tenets. Followers have faith that their current suffering is temporary, and there is bliss at the end of the tunnel.
Protein shakes are our holy water, circuit classes our communion. Instead of hymns, we have Electronic Dance Music; songs you grow sick of, but still love.There are people from all walks of life, looking for strength in tough times. There are also hardcore fanatics who you dismiss as a bit crazy but secretly wish you were as motivated as they were.

"Stupid sexy Flanders" - Homer, Greek Poet

The following is a prayer I wrote for ye disciples of the pump:

A gym session is like following the Game of Thrones series. You're in agony, but it's a good hurt.
But I found that it's not just a physical effort to go to the gym that's the most strenuous, but the mental one. It's hard to maintain the drive to keep going when you don't see the results immediately, but you quickly learn that the best way to keep your chin up is by doing a chin-up (I can do 5 now...yay!).

Maybe gyms should also offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don't go.

I guess that's what my gym membership already is.

Broverbs 1:12 Gospel of St.Hetics

If you're interested in another vanity-related post check out:
Attention Guys: How To Captivate a Woman's Attention Immediately!

A Light Hearted Dance

2014-10-27T05:22:00.005+11:00

To celebrate the upcoming Halloween, here's a post about a dance I choreographed and performed in for Cirque Du Surgery (UNSW Med Revue 2013).

Behind the scenes:

16150 cells in this Excel table

My co-choreographer Ben and I went through sequencing which circuit which light-suits would switch on and off at every millisecond. Above is a brief screenshot of how we did it.

The lyrics to Skrillex

Also since we were using dub-step in the finale of the dance, and that genre sounds like a bunch of industrial noise, it was challenging to choreograph and sequence to every sound we heard. As you can see on the right, I wrote some lyrics so the dancers and I, could keep track of what was happening. Sadly, it's now one of the few songs I know the whole 'lyrics' too (Dubstep karoake anyone?).

Choreography and stunts during that light section happened in the space of about one week. It was super fun, but intense trying to meet all the deadlines. The fragile suits had only just started being finished, meaning limited time to practice and also issues like which crazy moves were feasible and broken wires arose. I may also have incurred a carpet burn on my head whilst face-planting after a stunt gone wrong.
I wish I had more time, and made that section longer, bigger, more epic, but I didn't account for the amount of man-hours it would take to just make the suits themselves. For just university students, I think we did well with our limited resources.
Also coming up with choreography that was unique and not just doing an easy copy-cat of what's been done already with the concept is what I hope I for. One tiny example of originality I'm proud of, is the illusion where one suit 'jumps' into another suit. In my head I can still visualise so many more things with light suit dances that haven't even been done by the professional troupes.

I spent an unreasonable amount of time on sound editing with Audacity (probably over a hundred hours) since I didn't just want a generic sound-track. I wanted humour, stunts, interesting sound fx,blended in an entertaining ball of craziness that exploded in a visual spectacle.
To do this, I mixed and edited over 13 music songs, and countless sound effects (I sourced over 300 sound files throughout the process). I probably enjoyed crafting the loop build-up to Gorillaz Feel Good the most, and spent most of the time crafting from bare-bones, the entire robotic section and percussion beats into Ben Lee's Catch My Disease.

Tracks that were cut but discarded include: Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain, Owl City - Fireflies [I wanted suits to combine and make a huge flying insect illusion], Stan Walker - Light it Up, Jay Sean - Hit the Lights, Kanye West - All Of The Lights, Ellie Goulding - Lights, DJ Earworm - United State of Pop 2013 [Each song would be represented by a lit-up dancer], and La Roux - Bulletproof (Hyper crush remix) [as the finale instead of Skrillex].

The actual engineering process behind the EL Wire suits belongs to Hamish Pain, head of the special effects team. He's the brain behind the Arduino controllers and all that funky magical Wi-Fi stuff. It's basically impossible to compensate him for the hundreds of hours he put into leading them the team in designing the suits themselves. From sewing to trouble-shooting, and programming, his geekiness was our godsend.

Hamish and two directors helping construct the suits

Many late nights, and thousands of stitches

A sweatshop of trial and error

Aldri Indrayana, a talented guy with a background in fashion design, helped sketch the design of the suits. Each circuit; skeletal, arterial and venous had to be done in one continuous line. It took several iterations from the initial TRON inspired sketches, to get to the final version.

The very beginning. Pink ribs anyone?

Idea for the design on the back; a combined huge laughing skull

Final skeleton

As a medical student, I was finally happy when it was more anatomically realistic

Of course executing this design was troubling itself as EL wires aren't exactly easy to hold in complex intricate shapes.

Before green skulls on a balaclava, the initial idea involved black facemasks

That circle heart (aka Iron Man's Arc Reactor)

Hunger Games + Matrix

The whole squad

Thanks guys and everyone else that was involved :)

Previous Post: Get Protection
For Halloween: SHALLOWEEN

Get Protection

2014-10-17T01:35:00.001+11:00

A sharp intake of air.
Then another.
And another.

Her muscles start to tense as she fights for control.

Eyelids fluttering to a close, her lips part.

Her back arches, trying to resist the waves building up inside her
Face turning red, in futility, she tries hold back the incoming eruption.

Despite exerting self-restraint, she starts to lose it…
Letting out a series of quick Ahhh’s
Shaking, muscles spasm, her eyes roll back as her head lifts back.

There’s a pause.

Her mind goes blank.

Then it hits her.
Waves pulsing through, she rocks violently forward, powerfully thrusting her face into his tissues.
Letting out a loud noise, in her relief, she involuntarily expels liquid everywhere.
And though slightly dazed she determinedly continues blowing with all her might.

“Bless you” he says.
“Thank you.” she replies with a smile.

Protect yourself. Get a flu vaccination today.
-----------------------------------------------------------

The flu epidemic. It’s nothing to sneeze at…
One of the greatest contributors to global morbidity and mortality; this virus’ main symptom - sneezing, can be physiologically attributed to increased signals and blood flow to spongy tissues (of the nasal variety). So how is it relevant to copulation? None, except that it got your attention and involves an immense physical build-up, messy release and can occur several times in a row. One mustn’t also forget how both can lend a sizable contribution to the spread of diseases.
So that’s why I want to urge everyone out there to get your flu vaccination before next winter. Prevention is better then cure, and with most clinics offering the vaccine at a cost less than $20, this is not only a pain-free, but very cost-effective way of keeping yourself healthy. After all, all the drugs and days off work will add up to a whole lot more than twenty bucks. And the feeling of a clear throat, nose and mind is pretty much priceless.
Now excuse me while I go off and write a story on how vaccination is like intercourse.*

*i.e. tissue is penetrated, its an invasion of foreign bodies, many are initially scared of it, its just a small prick, its over really quick, side-effects are bleeding, bruising & fainting, only the most religious don't do it and doctors provide this service several times a day... okay I might be deluding myself on that last one.
It's probably best if I leave this business of cliterotica alone to experts like Stephenie Meyer and E.L. James.
Anyways did you know sex is a natural antihistamine? "its emission phase provides a sympathetic stimulation and subsequent vasoconstriction and nasal decongestion. Also, the refractory period serves as a sympathetic reservoir and maintains the decongestive state for a considerable while."

ACHOOOOOO!!!
Well, uh... I guess I should go ahead and cure myself of a blocked nose... by myself now.

But no seriously get protected

Previous Post: I'm the next Shakespeare

Poem

2014-10-03T06:30:00.001+10:00

A Dish

She had a lot on her plate
He was unwilling to wait
With demand
The man snaps his fingers
The waitress snaps back a zinger
"It'll take more than two fingers to make me come"

Flustered, he goes dumb
Up goes her middle, so does my thumb
The same pair that had led to what was said
As it slowly clicks in everyone's head
there's a ripple of snickers at the jerk
And her lips sneak in a smirk
Back to her work she quietly turns

Her tips well earned
Manners were learned
Revenge is best served cold to the burned

And some further food for thought:

We get it poets: things are like other things
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 8, 2014

Previous Post: Sexy Teddy Bears

Sexy Teddy Bears

2014-06-30T23:37:00.002+10:00

Playing Scrabble today with a girl, I used all 7 letter tiles at once, placing down FELLATIO with a wink.
Her response? The low-scoring NO.
I might not have scored with her, but I scored a bonus 50 points, and that's what matters.

Excuse me, are these edible panties gluten-free?

Just waiting for my Cinderella and her Glass ugg boots

Got a date tonight, and it takes some time to get prepared. Putting mascara on my pubes takes a while.

My electric blanket has been recalled by Aldi due to warnings of a 'fire risk'. Poor buggers. It's like these blankets are being punished for doing their job of keeping us heated too well. I guess no-one likes overachievers.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. kidding... I don't have friends

I'm so white that when I fist-bump the mirror, my reflection attempts a handshake

Some kids were probably playing 'the floor is lava' when Pompeii erupted

If Marvel put Storm and Aquaman in a movie, you'd get Sharknado

Although painful, as a teenager I didn't mind going to the dentist, because she was cute and had her boobs rest comfortably against my head during the procedure. It was like a secondary painkiller. Today at the clinic, totally felt boobs again...
If only my current dentist wasn't a chubby Indian man in his 40s

Tip: If your partner has a really annoying friend, just let it slip to your significant other that you find that friend 'really sexy'. Odds are, you're unlikely see that friend again for a while.

HUBBAHUBBA. AWOOGA. Arriiiba. hominahomina. Ugh. These onomatopoeias define my teenage years.

In hell, all grapes have seeds

Where's Wally, the best novel I've ever red.

"My boss has been on my ass all week" - Self-employed Yoga instructor

Anyone else watch Harry Potter, and was like, why aren't there more Asians and Indians in Ravenclaw? Although Ms Rowling, I did notice that you racially profiled Cho Chang into that nerdy house. Why you no healer yet?

You can tell a lot about someone's personality by whether or not they nibble the limbs off their Tiny Teddy to prevent escapes and to enjoy watching it scream, or directly biting off its head.

Is it weird that I like to lick between the legs of a tiny teddy biscuit, to give it one last moment of pleasure before biting its head off?

True story: When I was 16, I had a high-school girl's face in my bum, one of her friends at my crotch, and my face in another girl's lap. It sounds a lot cooler if I didn't mention it happened when I tripped down a hill into some Catholic school girls sitting in a circle whilst the rest of my grade watched on.

If I was writing a health brochure to dyslexic sufferers I'd put in a dilebaretly misspelled word to screw with them

I thought someone had put up random glow-in-the-dark comets in my room, but it turns out someone had actually just installed a UV light.

Is it racist that I'm extra cautious when I'm around asian mums with prams?

"You're a pussy"
"Well as they say, you are what you eat"

Confession panda bear: When at the Asian green grocer, I pat the melons just to look like I know what I'm doing to fit in, when I actually have no idea. They all sound the same to me. #tonedeaf

So tired of society's obsession with labelling people... you 'like' a few of your friends old bikini photos and suddenly you're a 'creep'

Babe, it's not about the size of your clitoris, it's how you use it.

Dragons produce fire in their mouths. Humans produce water in their mouths. Man > Dragons

I'm the National Chinese Spelling Bee champion

Being blind, would actually be a blessing in disguise if you were a moth.
Blind moth: "Hey guys, I don't get what's all this fuss about smashing our heads into a lightbulb for several fucking hours, to end up with burns and a concussion?" Other moth: "Nah bro, you've got to try it out, it's bloody awesome"

Peter Parker's job is to essentially take selfies
"Omg, green armour is like, so tacky, but first, let me take a selfie" [beat drops]

Previous Post - May 2014: Pancakes, Pizza and Popcorn

Pancakes, Pizza, and Popcorn

2014-05-27T18:33:00.000+10:00

I wonder if Hogwarts students are also pissed off about the prices of textbooks

"Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still good" is inaccurate.
When I have sex with pizza, even when it's good, it's still pretty bad

I propose that we just start spelling it as 'equasian'

Watching the Fast and the Furious the other night really gives me NOStalgia

Going to direct Arts/COFA Revue! It'll be called: Black to the Fuschia

Canberra (n): The space between Sydney and Melbourne

I really dislike Ricky Martin. He can go suck a dick...

A moment of silence for the first and last slices of bread, the undesirable extra-crusty pieces that protects the soft fluffy interior. They're the hero our hunger deserves, but not the one it needs right now... The silent guardian of the loaf.

Sometimes I'm really shy around people, but I found a good confidence trick. When I'm around somebody, I think about what they are like when they are having sex. How they moan, what faces they make, how kinky/freaky they are, and just presume the worse.

I don't get why people want x-ray vision as a superpower. I already use my imagination to visualize everyone I see as naked.

I get paranoid that people can read my thoughts so I try to confuse and intercept them with random thoughts and dolphin rainbows and bluff meta-thinking like: "I know you can read my thoughts"

If I was ever a school teacher, my kids would have to constantly play "Musical Chairs" to the theme song of Game of Thrones; my favourites would be nicknamed Tyrion/Arya; the annoying kid would be called Joffrey; and I would constantly exclaim out loud "You know nothing!" in a thick accent

"Golden showers" sounds more awesome than it really is

Being efficient and using excess shampoo on eyebrows, armpit and nose hair

Spiders like creeping around girls bedrooms because there's a chance the human will use hairspray on them, and then their hair will look amazing

My ideal weight is Emma Watson on top of me

Personally, I don't like how the tooth gap in modelling (aka "the London Look") is being glamourised. With thigh gaps being a thing, let's not make wide tooth gaps one too. Yes, spinach won't ever get stuck, and she can whistle with an open mouth, but it looks like she kissed a chisel and the chisel won.
Sorry darling, but it's hard to gaze into your beautiful eyes if it seems like your teeth got a divorce.

On the other hand of imperfections, who else secretly enjoys that although some celebrities may be good-looking, they look 'dumb'? 'Hah you're hot, but look stupid'
The faces of people like Channing Tatum, and Taylor Lautner, just don't scream 'sharp intellect' (although I'm sure they're not mentally deficient). It's petty but I like that despite being genetically blessed, successful, and talented, they don't have it all. It's the small victories that count. #superficialopinions

There's something I bring on every date, because one can never be too prepared.
It starts with C, ends with M, and has more than one O.
It's pretty obvious...
Chloroform

I love how the Winter Olympic sports is essentially just sliding, but it's way much more hardcore than the Summer Olympics. Only crazy white people could have created adrenaline-inducing events like aerial ski-jumping, luge, half-pipe, hockey, snowboard cross, skeleton, and curling.

Oh please plebs, I don't eat popcorn, I only eat indiecorn

When I draw penises, I like to also sketch some hair on it, because I'm scared of being accused as a pedophile.

Although Harry Potter married Ginny Weasley, I'll bet you a galleon that he's got a hidden folder of asian porn hidden somewhere because of his teen crush on Cho-Chang. Also I bet those wizards probably have a magazine with magical gifs called Playwitch? There's a reason why James Potter gave his son the invisibility cloak ^.^

I accused my girlfriend of having a baby inside of her.
She denied it, but I eventually got it out of her

Deciding not to exercise today because I just ate a fruit
Fruit Roll-ups count as fruit right?

I find it really jarring when movies that are set in the country or in the past, show actors with perfect teeth, well-groomed hair, and pristine skin. It's so unrealistic. The only exception is Brokeback mountain, because even homosexual cowboys would know how to take care of themselves properly

You know you're hungry for pancakes when you're watching Lord of the Rings, and start wondering if the Ents blood would make a delicious maple syrup.

You know what's handy about the word handy? You can just spell it in two letters.
H and y. ‪#‎bands‬ ‪#‎panda‬ ‪#‎wands‬

Know how burping after a meal is considered a compliment to the chef in some cultures? Well us doctors really appreciate it when you fart after a prostate exam
I'm always optimistic when it comes to my chances with the opposite sex. I come from a long line of people getting laid

Don't mess with him. I heard he was a chewing gum dealer in Singapore

If I murdered someone, my ego would make me want to boast about it, but my intellect would wish not to be caught. So I'd use snapchat so there's no residual evidence. And if someone screenshots it, I'll know who my real friends are... ‪#‎perfectplan‬
That moment when you're looking at other people's bikini photos, and you go too far and accidentally like/tag one from years ago. That's when you 'like' all the rest of her pics and send her a message saying your mate liked them, not you.
And a "i'm gay penis" status.
Shit works. It's like if I get a stain from pasta/wine on a white shirt, it's just easier to stain the whole shirt and now make it a red item of clothing.

[Disclaimer: The following is for those who don't mind a few boundaries of their humour being pushed]
Narrator for a show: "Presenting... 'So you think you can fly a plane'"
[Lights up]
<Nothing on stage>
"...Malaysia"
"For people who didn't get it, that joke was so far over your head it was on flight MH370."
"hahaha I lost it at that one"
"Just like the Malaysian government"
"oooh that joke was funnier than a doco on child abuse"
"ah...that's not funny"
"Exactly why used it as an example."
"That's not how comparisons work. It's like saying it'll have better acting than Keanu Reeve, better singing than Stephen Hawking & better dancing than Stephen Hawking"
"Hey that's funny! Like a doco on ch-"
"Wow, you've got serious issues"
"Yeah...I was hit as a kid."

Previous Collections

Valentine's Edition: He Wants the V-Day
February 14: My Friends are Dead... I Random Over
January 14: Buckets have a Human List
December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

The Red Asian: an analytical art essay

2014-05-27T18:21:00.000+10:00

This portrait evokes a raw and intimate feeling, giving a sense of the subject's humility and strength. I like how the use of overhead lighting accentuates the shadows of his face, lending to the profound feeling of regret being conveyed.
The cropping out of the other faces in the framing of this composition lends even more visual weight to the loss of dignity.
Alongside the warm colour palette which vicariously emulates the buzz he experiences, we sense that this scenario is a rather familiar one for this problem drinker. It's a subtle touch, but by having the colours a touch undersaturated, the photographer gently juxtaposes and highlights the oversaturation this alcoholic is suffering from.

Previous Post: He Wants the V-Day

He wants the V-day

2014-02-14T14:20:00.000+11:00

Since it's Valentines, message a friend asking "Are you alone right now?". If they reply "yes", text back "LOL"

Her: I can't believe you forgot the pin to our joint bank account
Him: I'm sorry honey, it's really hard to remember. I should not have made it the date of our anniversary

I don't want sex or love, I just want to play the bongo drums on somebody's butt without being judged.

This Valentine's morning, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of pubes and leg hair suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

When I make intense eye contact with an attractive stranger, adrenaline starts pumping, then I panic and flip into 'fight or flight mode'. So even though I know they are being flirty, I instinctually react as if they want to have a go at me. I don't smile, and stare them down, like they're a pathetic threat to my virginity.

Ever made intense eye contact for so long with someone attractive that your eyes begin to hurt because the computer monitor's too bright?

Girls call me "2 minute noodles". Despite me being quick and cheap, I'm instantly satisfying and nearby.
Hah I'm kidding, girls don't call me anything.
Girls don't call me
girls call me
girls call
call me
girls?

A shout out to all the fellow guys who've never been friendzoned, not because we're attractive, but because we have no female friends to friendzone us in the first place.

I bet Tasmanians get relative-zoned.

The foreign film adaptation of "Love Actually" is called "For Visa Actually"

Pokemon taught me the best way to catch what you want is to get your target to fall asleep then toss your balls at them persistently. Needless to say, restraining orders are my forte.

The problem with being the big spoon, is that when I wake up, my girlfriend tends to be a bit deflated.

Recently, I was sitting in the library nearby the public computer terminals, whence I spied a sweet old man skimming through Facebook photos of what looked like to be his daughter. 5 minutes later, he was fondly looking upon another daughter's photo. 10 minutes past, and a couple more 'daughters' later, I conceded he's either very Catholic, or very not.
Then sadly I wondered if that would be me in 40 years time. The ridiculousness of me ending up so pathetic made me scoff so hard that my fedora fell off as I returned my attention back to my comic book.
Also I like to now think that there's a chance that some old granny is perving on Facebook photos of me at their library.

"You're single right?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"

Gotta admit, being in long distance relationship is difficult. My girlfriend lives in the future.

Sometimes when I make eye contact with hot strangers,I try to read the thoughts behind her eyes.
"oh shit he's looking at me" *eyes shift away, then back* "oh he's cute" "I like his confidence" "that means he's probably a douche though" "what a dickhead"
And here I am, two steps ahead, already mentally discussing my resentment about alimony payments with her best friend after she's stopped by to have a drink and console me after the divorce.

I'm actually gay, I just have super high standards

"Genie, I wish that my girlfriend is bi"
"Your wish has been granted"
*Next day*
"Genie! I meant bisexual, she was already becoming bipolar"
"My bad, I thought she was bisexual already, because you're such a little bitch"
"Yeah you can forget about that third wish for your freedom"

Anyone want to make out... a cheque to me?

If I'm ever cursed, and the spell can only be broken by true love's kiss... Chances are it's a Hershey's Kiss

I get a turn on when a lady looks at me with a vaguely pissed off expression. I like how she's prepared that I'm going to disappoint them. Ooh yeah baby, I bet I wouldn't get along with your parents too.

If I ever meet the woman of my dreams, I hope she doesn't know about my dreams

I have an internal vocabulary dilemma. Calling my partner 'girl' or 'babe' or 'baby' sounds a bit pedo. Calling her 'chick' makes me sound like a douche. 'Honey' or 'woman' sounds so patronising. 'Bae' makes me sound like an uneducated idiot. 'Lady' or 'madam' is too formal & stiff. 'Partner' makes me sound like a politically correct nerd. Since there's no perfect term for the opposite sex, I've decided that if I'm going to be judged by hos, I might as well sound G.

I masturbate, so technically I've already had sex with all the hot guys in the world.

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
In response I replied that she also suffered from a lack of imagination.
Then we laughed at the irony
That she was also imaginary

My imaginary girlfriend has real boobs

Adam: Yo God, I have 12 more pairs or ribs! Make more women!

At the convenience store today I commented "The weather's so bad aye? My hayfever is playing up, and I hate chapped lips". It hurt that the clerk still maintained his look of disgust as I bought the tissues and Vaseline.

Mate these camo shorts will really help me in my hunt for women

You may have a hot girlfriend, but I have a hot box of pizza

Snapchats or it didn't happen... oh wait.

Introducing, my best pick up lines:
"I run faster horny than you do scared"
"Baby, don’t punish me for loving you. That’s the police’s job."
"My left testicle is called peanut butter, and the right is called jelly. Want a taste?"
"Did you know when we kiss we form a long tube with assholes on each end?"

If you're on a date, and the other person really likes you, but you're not so keen on them, the quickest way to make them hate you is to invite them over to play Monopoly.

I hate relationships unless they're 33.33% me.

I've held hands with many women in my life, but I don't think taking their pulse as a doctor counts.
Being a doctor is difficult, because we're always thinking about medicine. If someone says "You're starting to grow on me", my brain says "Like Thrush? Irritatingly? Slowly and malignantly like skin cancer?"

I have OCD. So before a blowjob, the lady should wash her mouth.

When feeling a bit more romantic, I light some candles, turn on rainymood.com, and then use lavender oil as I please myself.
As romantic as a blowjob in the rain

A moment of silent agony for all the obvious clues given by interested girls that we oblivious guys have missed. Arghhh...

I knew she was the one when she seductively flipped her silky, shiny, leg hair

"Can you teach me how to take off a woman's bra?"
"If you're ever in the scenario like that, just use the knife you brought along."

It would be entertaining to watch a lady receive cunnilingus by a ventriloquist. "Oh God! you're amazing!" Whose actually moaning?

Girls just want someone to hold their hand in crowded places and talk to cashiers for them. They're kind of like cats, they pick you, you don’t pick them.
Girls also don't like being told what to do unless they're naked. Also I think girls who act the sassiest are the ones who probably cry the most.

I found it adorably quirky how a girl today said "I love you" to me whilst looking into the eyes of some guy she was holding hands with.

I hope that one day showing your middle finger to someone, but flipped towards yourself, becomes recognised as a compliment that means 'fuck me'.
I'd prefer this as a sign of flirtation, because winking makes me look like I'm having a stroke.

Are you in love with me? No? *offers the last slice of pizza* How about now?

Kids these day have it so easy. To woo a woman, guys used to send flowers and write love letters. Now a winky emoticon on a grainy 10-second dick photo over Snapchat is a sign of affection. I'm scared what in 20 years time will be first sign of affection teenagers show each other? Bukkake?

The worst thing about masturbating in the shower, is that you have to be quick or you'll be interrupted by the security at IKEA.

Babe, I want us to make the next step in our relationship, will you tell me your WiFi password?

Butterfriends: Great girl, but her friends are annoying and stupid.

I'm taking the tortoise and hare approach to love. Whilst everyone else is sleeping around like the rabbit, I'm spending the entire time just in my home like the tortoise.

When I invite ladies over to sleep in my room, I prefer being on top. That way I'm furthest away from the monsters under the bunk bed.

"Mate, I know you have a case of major yellow fever. What happened to that Chinese girl you met on the beach last month?"
"Yeah. Sadly, it just didn't work out I guess."
"Don't worry. There's plenty of fish in the sea. There's also plenty of Asian tourists getting caught in riptides in the sea."

The ache will fade with time, I didn't know something that I loved so much could do this to me.
gahhh brain freeze from too much ice-cream.

You know can get viruses if you have unprotected
... WiFi

I have enough troubles trying to find Wally in a kid's book, how the fuck am I meant to find the one?

It really turns me on watching a woman pleasure herself.
So go on ladies, take off that bra & slide that scoop of ice cream in your mouth, whilst watching a Ryan Gosling film.

I hear the terms of affection 'sweetie' and 'oh honey' a lot from all the women I know. I'm so loved .

I wonder if love-sick pessimists pull off flower petals muttering "He hates me", "He hates me not", "He hates me", "He hates me not", "I fucking knew it"

I'm in an unrequited long distance relationship. Or as she prefers to call it: 'a restraining order'

"Hi thanks for the invite. Can I bring a +1 to the party? You can meet my new girlfriend :)"
"Mate, you're a mathematician. The question you should be asking is if you can bring the root square of -1?"
"..."
"Because she's imaginary, geddit? *nudge* :D"
"I'm tired of your jokes"
"Geez, you're no fun... I guess she really likes to root a square...
...
"Because she's imaginary, geddit?"

Tip: Guys when you're on a date, don't wear shorts.
That way you can hide your electronic ankle bracelet monitor #commonsense
Today's post is dedicated all my fellow single friends. There are a lot of you, since you're nerds who are in medicine/university etc. So please be careful when chortling not to choke on that block of chocolate. It would be pathetic if you died alone [your cat doesn't count as company]. Keep your double chin up, I'm sure you'll eventually find the one.

Ladies, Valentine's day is today, so if you are secretly in love me, I suggest you let me know now. I've already let myself know.

Previous Posts

February 2014: My Friends are Dead... I Random Over
January 2014: Buckets have a Human List
December 2013: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Related Post: February 2015: Valentine Throwback

My Friends Are Dead... I Random Over

2014-02-02T01:15:00.001+11:00

To hear someone say to you "Don't worry, I don't facebook stalk you, you're not worth it" is the definition of conflicted feelings.

My mum prepares the most delicious vegetarian meals. So I'm not sure whether or not to call her my favourite chef or gardener.

Studies show that the leading cause of colour blindness is cycling, because they sure as hell can't tell the difference between red and green.

I want to see a Harry Potter sequel where a grown-up Matilda meets Hermione Granger and they become bffs. (And have a magical pillow fight).

Sometimes I wonder if girls who upload hot selfies are totally aware of what they're doing, and mentally smirk everytime a guy likes their photo, thinking "hmm... yeah he wants the V"

I don't have forearms, I have 5arms, because that's one more than four.

That's what sheep said - New Zealander

The Government should put in a policy to give teenagers access to better internet. Porn websites are why teen pregnancy rates are so low.

Sir Attenborough: "Pandas have a natural reflex to keep their mouths open when applying on eyeliner, but they're utterly shit at it."

Do you know how celebrities become so famous they need a security guard?
I wonder if I'm invisible and inconsequential enough to require an insecurity guard.

I want a pet parrot, and name it Flying Fuck.

I like how society is conscientious enough that people with disabilities get priority parking spots, and birds with disabilities get priority potato chips.

Snails will never know the pleasure of tequila shot.

I'm a busy person, so I find that orgies are just a more efficient use of time.

When I meet a friend's dad, I have to stop myself from mentioning, "Isn't it amazing how one of your orgasms from decades ago has led to our meeting today?"

Thor is an expert in treating colon cancer. He's an Asgardian.

If I was Prime Minister, the Water Police would get an aquatic equivalent to police dogs. Something like well-trained police dolphins. With geared-up police turtle for amphibious missions.

You know you've had a long day when you find yourself googling "Was Hitler breastfed?" and "Shark blowjobs"

I don't like Strip clubs. The thought of being surrounded by strangers who all have erections is creepy. Also strip clubs have way too many boundaries, that's why I want to go to a Moebius Strip Club, it would only have one.

I don't do drugs. I prefer the high from relieving my bowels/bladders after holding it in for far too long.

I prefer to fart in the restroom because it has nice acoustics.

Whenever a lecturer probes for a deeper answer by asking "Tell me why?", I have to restrain not singing "Ain't nothing but a heartache" out loud.

In heaven, both sides of the pillow are cool.

Thailand. Putting the he into she.

A girl told me I should fuck off and stop being a dickhead. I've never been so turned on in my life. It's like she really gets me.

One should be automatically forgiven for anything rude you ever say when you're on a diet.

John Lennon: Imagine there's no morning alarm, It's easy if you're unemployed.

Since your family are all doctors, when you got mad at your parents, did you threaten to run away and join a chiropractor's clinic?

To reflect my educated upbringing, I prefer to call my kitchen the food library.

Sometimes I wish I was still young, then realise I don't miss the days of being a teenager who was sad that my tv couldn't get SBS reception, or could be easily excited by the lingerie section in the K-mart catalogue, or images of women coughing.

"My life is ruthless without you"
"You're just saying that because my name is Ruth"

"What word is most often spelled incorrectly?"
"Incorrectly?"

"Why did you decide to have a kid?"
"For shits and giggles"

TV idea: A bisexual edition of The Bachelor where the man's romantic interest pool is half men and half women. The amount of bitching would win an Emmy for drama.

On a date:
"I'm all for equality, which is why when on a date, ladies shouldn't only be the ones to put in the effort to wear matching underwear. As a guy I do it too."
"But guys don't wear bras?"
"That's exactly why I'm full commando now"

Hardcore Dare: Drinking and playing "never have I ever" with your parents

I just ate the final Tim Tam... . All of sudden, I now just 'get' Taylor Swift.

Sometimes at home, I like to wear a red t-shirt and nothing else, and pretend I'm Winnie the Pooh

Her hair was beautiful, the colour of McDonald french fries

When I get arrested by the cops, I like to pretend to be asleep in the car so they'll carry me inside.

I have a policy of not wishing happy birthday to those who were born via C-section. Their mother never gave 'birth' to them organically. They were excised and removed surgicially, evicted like an unwanted tenant, and worst of all, have technically never been in their mother's vagina.

Bestiality enthusiasts society taglines: "We put the orgasm into organism... the anal in animal...
the sperm in spermwhale."

If New Zealand is Middle Earth with all of it's beautiful scenery, then with all of its creatures trying to kill you, Australia must be Mordor.

Dreamt that upon spotting a strange creature I excitedly exclaimed "Camel!", but it turned out to be a cow mooing. So I tried to justify that I meant "Cow moo" in the first place. When I realised what I did, I groaned so hard I woke myself up. Anyone know how to punch your unconscious?

Home is where you've worked out how to put the shower at the right temperature.Previous collections

January 14: Buckets have a Human List
December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Buckets have a Human List

2014-01-30T00:57:00.000+11:00

I don't see the appeal of working as paparazzi, If I wanted to take photos of assholes I would have become a colonoscopy technician.

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TADA!
- Woman giving birth

Men, vaginas are like sausages, you'll be happier in the end if you just eat the final product without knowing what's gone into it

Can't believe Hollywood hasn't seized on the opportunity to name the upcoming Transformers 4 movie, Trans4mers.

Chinese Girl: "Oh ate wonton for free sex tonight call me"
Translation: 081 10 43629 Call me

New Recipe: 1. Fruit-roll up. 2. Place a layer of Nerds on it. 3. Put gummy snakes & bears on that. Roll it all up = sushi-roll.

Well cut my cock off and call me free willy

Ladies, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian. In fact, I will probably think of you more.

Strongly considering a career change to become a window cleaner in Amsterdam.

I am eating healthy, there's pineapple on my pizza

Men: If you lose weight, you gain more penis.
Women: If you lose weight, you gain more penis. In other news, I've figured out what the collective noun is for a parliament of penises.
(Ladies, is it okay to call a group of vaginas, a boxset?)

In a relationship there is no statute of limitations

Male urination is remarkably similar to attempting to control the movement of a shopping trolley.

I reckon supermarkets deliberately make their shopping carts shit, so you have to spend more time in the store, trying to get them to move where you want. One moment you're like "Let's go to checkout", next second "how did I end up at this aisle -oh hey that's on sale!"

It's always leg day when I have to spend time in a public restroom

Previous Posts

Grand Slam
Xmas Edition: Seasons Greetings
December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Li Na wins another Grand Slam

2014-01-29T23:38:00.001+11:00

Congratulations to Li Na, the first ch...emical elements to win the Australian Open!

Previous Post:
Give Me Your Khakis

Give me your Khakis

2014-01-25T23:21:00.001+11:00

"Mum, I need you to pick me up. The police just banned me from driving, which is totally unfair, since I thought it was perfectly legal to drive after only having 9 points...
...or 'pints' as the police pronounce it."
"What?! 9 pints? Why were you driving at all?"
"Well I had drunk so much, I could barely walk-"
"WHAT?! You could barely walk and you still drove??"
"So? What does walking have to do with driving?"

I have to confess, I love driving, but I find it gets in the way of my drinking most of the time. The ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about drink driving, drunk texting AND not getting caught texting.

It also doesn't help that that due to my acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency, I suffer from 'Asian Flush' syndrome whenever I consume alcoholic beverages. Medically termed as 'EtoHriental Erythema' (Chau, 2010), it takes less than one standard drink to get my face (and legs) glowing as red as the traffic lights I would speed through if I was smashed. Forget breathalysers, a colour-chart or spectrometer is all that it would take to grade my BAC levels. This is why I hate photos when I'm on a night out. Cameras & photoediting programs already have a red-eye reduction feature built-in, so why not a red-face reduction feature for asian flush?

Thus, one of the primary reasons why I don't drink and drive is the fact that the chances of my rosy-face not getting stopped by police whilst driving is equivalent to catching a flight with a turban on and not having one's luggage 'randomly' checked.

On the other hand, one could state that all asians technically don't drink & drive. Because they can't drink, nor can they drive.

Stereotypes aside, driving under the influence of alcohol is a major contributor to motor vehicle accidents amongst young adults and represents a major throbbing headache to the police, health system and community every early Saturday and Sunday morning. Impairing both reaction and judgment, it's an established fact that with enough alcohol, even Lewis Hamilton would have the driving skills equivalent to an asian woman driving a Toyota Prius.

So what is it like?
From an observer's perspective, drink-driving seems akin to being in a bumper car. All confrontation, no destination, no steering and no brakes. Every single thing on the road is on-coming traffic and it's like playing dodgeball, except that the balls are of course 2 tonnes of metal zooming along at least sixty kilometers an hour. Of course, the ethanol-saturated cortex can't assess this danger and is having too much semi-conscious fun presumably saying ridiculous things like:

"I hate tailgaters. There's one behind me now and it's so annoying, especially with those stupid flashing lights on the top. "

or shouting out:

"Lumos Green!"

every single time the traffic-lights change colour and pissing yourself laughing.

or drunkenly texting to a BFF:

"Just tried to flash my headlights at an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my boobs."

or singing along to the radio to Bon Jovi.

"OHHHhh Living on a prayer!!"

In my opinion, with the aid of alcohol, there's a perfect time and place to listen to any song, including Nickelback. But you don't find yourself driving off a cliff very often.

And if you do get randomly breath-tested, please don't say:
"Honestly Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to berate and criticize me."

So how should this issue be handled?
Despite the heavy television and billboard advertisements, it has become clear that fines, demerit points and random breath tests aren't enough to deter the invincible-feeling, goonhead from taking a stab at driving home whilst smashed. Discouraging risky behaviours like speeding and drink-driving requires new, innovative measures that neither pure legislation nor education have been able to do.

That's why I propose that speed bumps emit a 'scream' when we go over them. The roads would be safer, since we'd all immediately drive slower.

I know at least one paraplegic hobo that's with me on this.

Interesting fact: Here's a solitary tree in the Sahara Desert that kept itself alive by a 33-plus metres deep root system, until a drunk driver managed to ram his truck into it.
One, just one tree, all alone by itself in a 400km radius.
And yet this moron manages to hit it.
But to be fair, it's the last place he'd have expected a tree.
Moral: When you're drunk, your chances to hit a tree are still decent, even in the middle of a forsaken desert.

Previous Post: [Parody] Frozen - Let It Flo

[Parody] Frozen - Let It Go

2014-01-21T15:33:00.001+11:00

"Female hygiene jokes are not funny. Period."

Context: The following is a parody of "Let it Go" from Disney's Frozen, which I wrote as a joke for a friend of mine who once sung a menstruation themed parody in a comedy show [41:00 min in].

Disney - Let It Go

Parody

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

The river flows right on the month tonight

Not an embryo to be seen
My endometrium
Looks like a CSI scene

The womb is howling like this scarlet storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

It's shark week, need floaties
At man united riding a cotton pony
Conceal, congeal, these cyclic woes
Just like Bordeaux

Let it flow, let it flow
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it flow, let it flow
Give me chocolate I am so sore

I don't care
about this crimson wave
Menstruation,
Lil' blood never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some men say
being strong is to 'have balls'
And never had to deal with ovaries
paint stripping my red walls

Sob myself to sleep, what can I do?
Mood-swings, bloating and breakthrough
No whites, no thongs, no pregnancy
I bleed

Let it flow, let it flow
periods are a waste of fucking time (literally)
Let it flow, Let it flow
Being stabbed between the thighs

Understand
that I'll be cray
These hormones rage on...

Watch out for a yeast infection!

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Fuck it all!

Previous Post: Making Bras Appear in Thin Air!

Previous Parodies: Katy Perry's E.T., Robbin Williams' Angels
Previous Period: Under the Red Sea

Making Bras Appear in Thin Air!

2013-12-29T03:51:00.000+11:00

I'm forming a group of five young, good-looking magicians.

We're called Mis Direction.

Previous Post: Seasons Greeting

Season's Greetings

2013-12-26T13:02:00.000+11:00

I put the Christmas lights up myself. Which is why I'm now in the Emergency Department. #innerglow #bowelsofholly

Dear Santa,
For Christmas, I want a list of the names and addresses of the naughty girls. I'm going to be proactively keeping a watchful eye on them. #sothatiswhyyouarejolly

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, I got a restraining order.

Psst... Santa, the best present you could gift to those on your list of nice guys is a guide on how to get out of the friend zone.

The worst thing about the Xmas season ending is how I won't have any decent excuses for hastily switching between program windows whenever someone else wanders into the room.

"Fuck off Santa"
- Cookie Monster

Last Christmas, I gave you my tonsils, wisdom teeth, and an appendix, but the very next day you asked for my receipt (and health insurance details).

Dear Santa,
I own The Sims, World of Warcraft, Minecraft, and Civilization, so deciding what I want for Xmas tomorrow is easy.
I really want to get a life.

♪ ♫ Jingle Bells ♬ ♭
Waiting in the queues
cause it's a dead guy's birthday
Million kids lied to
It's a pagan holiday (ha ha ha)
Pay to sit on a fattie's lap
Everything's overpriced
Unwanted gifts unwrapped
Generosity commercialised!
♪ ♫ ♬ ♭
Jingle bells, Shopping smells,
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to buy
anything near Christmas day. yay.

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg" is the first parody I ever learnt, so here's another that is more relatable:
♪ ♫ ♬ ♭
Drinking at the bar
See a cute girl smile my way
A convo begins to start
Flirting all the way (ha ha ha)

She gives my cheek a peck,
I ask for her number forthright
She says "K give me a sec"
"You can have all the secs" I replied

OH! Single girls, single girls,
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to cry,
With a glass of 'pagne in the face. hey! come back... please? (sob)

Have a Merry Winter Solstice!

Previous Post: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

2013-12-16T15:33:00.002+11:00

I've been having difficulty falling asleep this week, but from 3-5am, my brain starts crafting imaginary conversations like the following:

"Why do you want this job?"
"Because I can piss on the job anytime I want without fear. Around kids too."
"... I'm sorry, but I don't think you're what we're looking for in a swimming instructor"

"Hey baby, wanna make a sex video?"
"Ok, give me a moment to load the Vine app"

"Sir Attenborough. Could you tell us some interesting animal trivia?"
"Gladly. Well for instance, did you know that 'animal' is an acronym of the phrase 'Im anal'? hehehe"

"My parents are gay. So yeah it's been tough growing up sometimes"
"Oh so as a baby did you ever get confused between saying "mummy" and "dada", and so mashed the words, calling one of them "dummy", causing him to breakdown because they've been feeling under the pump from being judged as a gay parent?"

"Being a feminist, I don't like my hair being pulled during sex."
"Oh yeah I understand what you mean. I can't stand the male dominance & female submissive tones of that act"
"Yeah... that's totally why (actually I just get really sore armpits)"

Son: "- and that is the reason why."
Wife: "Unbelievable. You're just like your dad, always jumping to the wrong conclusions"
Husband: "What? Are you saying he's not my biological son?! Honey, how could you do this me?"

"Any last minute edits for this year's Oxford Dictionary?"
"Sweatpants (n) - Eating pants"
"Done"

"Do you know what's the worst part of being a virgin?"
"The hand calluses?"
"No, it's not even the teasing I get from it. It's that I don't have an ex I can bitterly stalk on Facebook and then gleefully watch slowly get fat and uglier over time"
"You know there might be a reason why you're still a virgin?"

"If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. That's how gravity works."
"Then I will be the fattest dyslexic the world has ever known. It's my density."

"Here's my pet squirrel. He's kind of hungry all the time."
"Aww what a cutie, look at him chew those nuts so adorably. Does he have a name?"
"Syphilis"

"Hey babe, so what's your fetish?"
"It's a bit naughty, but I'm into S&M"
"Yeah I like sleeping and masturbating too"

"Missus, you should think about a small change to our curriculum. If sex ed classes encouraged anal sex then the teenage pregnancy rates would drop at this school. It's a win win situation."

Mary Poppins: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"
Kid: "But I have diabetes?"
Mary Poppins: "Shhhhh... only dreams now"

Previous Post: An Illegible Bachelor (of Medicine)