unresponsive objectless world

potentially fatal birth

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 05:46:00 +0000

Mother nearly died when she gave birth to me. When she pushed me out, her uterus, her womb came out. It came out with the baby and did not rectify itself. Was it the forceful uterine contractions that violently and impatiently wanted to expel the foetus or was it the baby that did not want to leave the womb and clung on for dear life?
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anaclitic depression - total deprivation

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 19:23:00 +0000

The baby that is so deprived that it is near death. First psychic death then physical death. My core, deprivation. In the therapy room no therapist can sit with me. No one can stand being with me. It is like they feel repulsed sitting with me yet I dont do anything. I am a leper. And perhaps that is it. I am not doing anything human. I am a zombie, a walking dead person. Read more »

My 'madness"

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 14 May 2012 21:34:00 +0000

I have found this beautiful beautiful paragraph which explains EXACTLY how it is for me. And how others feel that I am "mad" when they argue with me. I have always tried to find words to describe what happens between them and I and here it is. They feel mad when they argue with me and because they cant make sense of this feeling of madness when arguing with me, because they cant "win" they either put the phone down or throw me out of therapy!

i have no power

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 07 May 2012 07:08:00 +0000

in this dream i lived in a bus/caravan with my partner. It all started off ok. We pulled up somewhere quiet and got ready for bed. i started to become scared, i didnt know if the doors were locked. someone was outside. i couldnt get up i was paralised. suddenly i was naked.
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sweet rotting flesh

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sun, 06 May 2012 05:34:00 +0000

I have never smelled rotting human flesh but in this dream I did. and it was real, a smell so real ... it was almost like I knew it well. The odor of death is reminiscent of freshly tilled earth mixed with the sickeningly sweet and acrid smell of decay. two people were thrown into a very, very, very deep grave. All my dreams are dark, there is just enough light to make out what is going on. Those two people were lured near the grave and then pushed in. By someone who was .. I dont know... trying to protect or kill?
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what happened to you?

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Wed, 02 May 2012 10:29:00 +0000

True children of my Rosary will enjoy great glory in heaven.

saw new analyst. the white woman. white cos all her room is white. laura ashley kind of white. posh, pretty. sure relaxing and calm. horrific. i am not allowed to grief am i i said. im not allowed to be scared and i am not allowed to protect myself.
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toxic nourishment

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 11:25:00 +0000

I had to go to the dentist today because the pain in my mouth was unbearable. turns out I have another infection in my mouth. Teeth are OK. Since the therapist has dropped me I have been having bad infections in my mouth.
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where once was love, love is no more

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 19:40:00 +0000

therapist mother was not well enough to hold me

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 11:27:00 +0000

I read this some months ago and totally forgot about it again. This text explains what I need from my future therapist, it also shows what the ex therapist failed to provide due to her own issues and burn out.
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bereft

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:33:00 +0000

when the therapist cannot honour the "abuser"

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:42:00 +0000

An amazing story about therapist, client and the split off psychotic personality fragment.

However, it is easy for a such a model to evidence a lack of concern for the experience of the psychotic personality. This dilemma will be illustrated in an extract from an allegory written by C S Lewis called "The Great Divorce - a dream". This story addresses Lewis’s concern about the perennial wish to make a marriage between Heaven and Hell.
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the psychotic self - taming the wild horses

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 05:38:00 +0000

due to the absolute horror i am going through right now, caused by the abrupt ending of my therapy, i have sought advice from different professionals. One of them is a senior analyst in London who has written papers and a book or two about psychosis and our psychotic selves. She was so kind and understanding and very helpful.
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turning to iron to stay attached to iron

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 07:21:00 +0000

just keep having nightmares every night. people hanging. being killed. killing themselves. trying to stay safe. hopeless. forlorn. terror.
a jolt of terror like lightening shot through my body when i witnessed another killing in my dream last night. i woke up and was so scared. i almost phoned my friend.but i was able to contain myself.
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breast feeding myself

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 13:46:00 +0000

i feel deeply disturbed by what happened to me last night. I was in a lucid dream. I was not totally unconscious or conscious. It felt like I had to people in my body. I say MY body but it is not really my body, all three of us were using this body at the same. There was me, the observer, there was the woman and the baby. All three of us were in the body at the same time.
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torn open womb

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 07:08:00 +0000

when i was a baby i was just left, emotionally physically
when i was a child i was just ignored, invisible
wheni was a teenager i was seen for who I was so everyone stayed away
as an adult i create desire in others
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my nekyia

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 11:16:00 +0000

so therapist splits it off and puts it on me, i split my abuser part of and project it onto her.
That still doesnt mean that the "abuser part" is bad. Those parts are not bad but are born out of pain. the therapist is in terrible pain and the aggressive part is trying to help her stay safe, i feel teribily unsafe and my aggressive part is trying to protect me too. We are both trying to protect our selves from my past [feelings] and we are both victims trying to protect ourselves. i feel sadness.

rape body feels, good. bye

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:51:00 +0000

Therapy is over now. The last session left me with overwhelming body feelings in my body especially "down there" It was horrendous and familiar. I wanted to write that I enjoyed being [emotionally] raped but I dont, it is a familiar feeling but not a nice feeling. Those can be easily mistaken as the same in my head. I am familiar with the feeling of being raped. Physically mentally spiritually that when it happens I want more of it. It is like a drug. That is why a big part of me wants to go back to the therapist now. But I have support and been adviced not to. I agree...I am now struggling with the aftermath of this session, the last few sessions before and the huge loss of the therapist. Thank you all for your support, it is time for me to move away from here and my self.

madness

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 08:07:00 +0000

Had my session yesterday. Went inside. Sat down. Asked "Is my therapy over now" She answered "I think you know the answer to this. Everything after that was shouting at each other and or not listening, cutting each other up, blaming etc. At one point I screamed at her that what she was feeling were MY feelings!
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stillborn thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 09:11:00 +0000

Today's session might be my last. I have disobeyed the therapist's rules and written her an email plus I phoned her. Twice. So today , she will probably tell me to leave. Leave her forever. I cannot speak the anxiety that I feel. I am more and more aware of the constant fantasies I have. One of them was me hiding behind the sofa when/if she tells me my therapy with her is over.
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Shattered womb or squashed womb? Email to therapist

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 16:00:00 +0000

You asked what I was trying to tell you today... I think I was trying to tell you about the death. The death of my therapy, the death of the holding space, the safe space. The womb. the death of baby me that has prematurely been ripped out.
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Re traumatised in therapy, another part had to be created.

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 07:57:00 +0000

Last night's dream: A skinny black man gave birth to a little boy but when the child was about a year old the man dropped dead in the street. I took the little boy and showed him that his dad who gave birth to him just died, he was so upset.Then my sister's baby was there. she had a baby sitter who looked after her baby. the baby was a podgy happy baby that was always smiling.
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cut the wire cold child

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 19:36:00 +0000

i cannot put into words what is happening within me and outside of me. The therapist has gone mad, psychotic. I am now having to look after her, not mention anything that could upset her, if I mention that I need to discuss how her lying to me made me feel, how I am unable to trust her now she says "You have to be careful now because youwill have to find another therapist" or "Then I think your therapy is over" she keeps saying this to me.
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I have never loved

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 12:57:00 +0000

The therapist and I have been and still are going through hell. I cant even count any more how many times she has told me that it might be best if I look for another therapist. I wont go into the ins and outs of how she behaves but she feels threatened
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The desert and the schizoid defence

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 07:21:00 +0000

Imagine you are a little baby, toddler and or child, even teenager. For those of us who find it difficult to imagine to be a helpless infant and child, dont worry. I am hoping this next example will show how even a capable adult escapes into fantasy when there is absolutely nothing. Read more »

ripped amniotic sac, dying, dying

noreply@blogger.com (UnmotheredChild) — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 10:04:00 +0000

These membranes keep your baby safely sealed in his bag of amniotic fluid during your pregnancy. The membranes break open when your baby is ready to be born, and the fluid flows out. This is referred to as your waters breaking.
The amniotic fluid does several jobs:
it protects your baby from being hurt if you have a blow to your tummy or if your bump is squashed
it helps your baby's lungs and digestive system to mature
it protects your baby against infection