To my Angel Boy: Vincent

We are going on yr. 3  and this is my first time sharing, but the grief I try to bury is getting to be too much.

It all happened in 2009 & all I can keep thinking about is I’m a mom I should have known. He was full-term when we lost him. Never in a million years did I think anything of this. I never even knew other women experienced it as much as I see now.

Bare with me I’m getting to how it all happened — it’s so hard to put into words.  I was full term and I went in that week to see how he was and he was doing great.  Later that week, I went in and the doctor wasn’t sure what was going on so he sent me to the hospital — there I got the news.

I was so sad,confused. Now I only have one ovary and FT and have a zipper from my chest down yup all the way down . So that being said, I had always had c-sections. Because my baby boy went so fast, my uterus did not thin out enough and into labor I went.

Every day I think of him. His hands his feet his little nails and yet I’m so angry with myself.  I did see his eyes I couldn’t bare it, I think to myself now I should have and I was being selfish then because I was scared , I’m sure he was scared. There are so many things I should have said to him that day and I did not.

I was silent. Wishing I could hear a breath — something .

I’m balling my eyes out for the chance to see him today. What he would be like. That day was the hardest day of our life, but the ongoing grief, and sadness has not diminished like some say. I’m sure there will be better days ahead, but he will always be in my thoughts. I will always talk to him. Visit his grave. Thank you all for reading/listening.

Back story: I endured a missed miscarriage (what do you mean non-viable? but I didn’t pass any blood or clots!) around 6.5 weeks, but we didn’t know until I went in for my 8 week ultrasound in mid-March.  My husband and I were not trying to conceive, but this was a pleasant surprise.  Then, we found out about the unpleasant surprise: missed miscarriage.  I waited for two weeks to pass it naturally.  Overall I went four weeks of no development before my D&C. It was torturous waiting.

I look around and see pregnant women, strollers full, and curious toddlers.

I feel guilty being jealous.  I feel like I should move on and let others live their lives, but I can’t.  I look at the women around me with swollen bellies, whose lives are moving forward, and feel like my life is at a standstill.  I work with children and at times wish their families understood how hard it is for me to do my job, right now.  I’m envious of their full household.  I’m saddened by my empty bedrooms.

It’s incredibly hard to be happy for someone when you’re mourning a loss.   But I know and hope that when my time comes, I will be filled with joy.  So I can’t exactly be mad at them for their uplifted feelings, can I?  I just wish they knew about my loss so they could be mindful around me, so they wouldn’t be so… so happy around me.

I wish a small sign existed so people not as close to me knew that even though it’s been over a month since my loss, I still hurt.  I wish people knew I don’t want to see pictures of their ultrasound or their baby dressed for [enter whatever holiday here].  I wish Facebook made over-posters take down that same picture of their baby smiling in the high-chair from one day to the next. I wish it was easier to announce a miscarriage without people jumping to conclusions. I wish people were more careful about broadcasting their happiness, so silent mourners, unspoken grievers,  might breathe a little easier.

I feel guilty disliking their rightful joy.

But, I wish it was easier to accept it.

I just saw a post for a pregnancy announcement with an ultrasound picture and my due date. It hit me really hard, not just because I don’t have my baby anymore, but because it seems like to everyone else, their life never existed  Yet, here is a picture of another life that was created at the same time and is still growing and thriving and that is a beautiful thing to me.The congrats and hopes for that baby are in abundance.

While my baby has died, my only hope is that people acknowledge the life that was there.

How precious it was to me and our family.

Along with the 4 other losses we’ve had, I still cry for these children, miss and long for them. My children cry for them, look at ultrasounds and wish they had their sister and other sisters and brothers. We had plans just like anyone else does when they are expecting. We wondered what their hair and eye color would be, boy or girl? Names? or what their personalities would be like. We never got the over abundance of congrats, or loving support while expecting instead we got… “Let’s not get too excited, she’ll probably miscarry again” or ” what are you thinking telling too soon!?“

What was I thinking? I was thinking I want to share the joy I have for this child being alive at this moment —  knowing how fleeting and precious life is. I wanted to enjoy and share every minute of it. That was my choice, I never asked for opinions, just to be allowed to be excited and happy for what we were blessed with.

After a loss you’re expected to move on, no one really wants to hear about it. I’ve heard, “it’s not a real baby“, “it’s not a big deal“. I can sometimes understand someone who has not been through this thinking that. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. After multiple miscarriage,s the tone changes to you should be use to it or its nature’s way or God’s will. You never get use to it. In fact it was not natures way, my babies were healthy — no gene defects. God does not intend death, he never intended death for us or for us to live with this kind of anguish, so I will not believe God willed me to miscarry. Having said that and knowing all things work together for good and the glory of God, I know each tiny life God gives purpose to, every miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. I have seen proof of this, not only with my own, but in others’ stories. Miscarriage does not cause someone to stop being. Just like we were formed in the womb and born, the others just didn’t get the chance to make it that far. We all start the same way.

• “28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
• “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” Lamentations 3:32-33
• “I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly” John 10 :10
• “Can a woman forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?” Isaiah 49:15
• “My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.your eye beheld MY unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me,when none of them yet existed.” Psalm 139:15-16
• ” just as you do not know how breath comes to the bones in the mother’s womb, so you do not know the work of God” Ecclesiastes 11:5

I made a note of this because for years now it has been particularly bothersome to see how other women were treated after a miscarriage. I know this won’t be read by many or maybe not at all, but If one person gains awareness or new perspective it can spread.

Less than 1% of women (men.. It takes two!) will experience more than 3 consecutive miscarriages (losses) or more. This is our reality. Four consecutive miscarriages and 1 miscarriage after a birth of a living child.

D&C means: dilation and curettage, which is a small surgical procedure that is sometimes performed when a pregnancy is no longer viable and miscarriage is imminent.

D&E means: dilation and evacuation, usually refers to a second trimester procedure carried out in a similar way that a D&C, but uses a vacuum tool when a pregnancy is no longer viable, the baby passes away or if necessary after a naturally-completed miscarriage.

Both procedures can be done as an out-patient with a general anesthesia or local, depending on your doctor’s set-up and the specifics of your particular situation. It’s not always recommended to have this procedure after a miscarriage — the early you were in your pregnancy, the less likely you are to need the procedure, but some women do prefer to have one in place of waiting for a miscarriage to naturally happen.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, if your pregnancy is over 10 weeks, there is a higher chance of having an incomplete miscarriage and a D&C may be recommended. The main concern is hemorrhage and infection as well as the emotional health of the mother. It’s best to talk with your doctor about your options and feelings and together, determine what you feel is the best course.

As with any medical procedure, there are some risks which include:

• complications with anesthesia
• heavy bleeding or hemorrhage
• scarring of the uterus or cervix
• infection
• perforation of the uterus
• incomplete procedure

What to expect:

You can expect a little pain and cramping for about 24 hours after the procedure. You should take care to rest and not over-strain yourself during the first day. These light cramps can usually be managed with Ibuprofen and should be expected to go away within a few days to 2 weeks. It’s recommended to avoid tampons and intercourse for 2-6 weeks and you should schedule a follow-up exam with your doctor in about 4-6 weeks.

Real advice:

While D&C is not always needed when miscarriage happens, many have been through the procedure. We asked the Unspoken Grief community on Facebook what their real advice is for someone who may be facing a D&C — what to expect and what helped. Here’s what they had to say:

Well, the physical recover is easy, but the emotional recovery take a lot of time. We need family and friends support. Talk with a group related to Miscarriages. Read books, look for advice etc. — Karol

My d&c was 2 weeks after an incomplete miscarriage, so I was actually grateful to have it because I was still so sick (body still thought I was pregnant). The procedure itself wasn’t bad, but I was completely asleep. I agree with the Karol…it’s the emotional recovery that will take a lot more time. And you just have to allow yourself to take that time to heal. — Teri

The emotional recovery is tougher than the physical. I think mine was even worse because while my husband and my mother were really supportive, the rest of our family pretended like it didn’t happen. I also didn’t think I’d be so bitter about other pregnancies/new babies all around. Also, don’t discount your spouse’s/partner’s feelings…realizing someone else was hurting with me helped, too (that sounds terrible, but it was a comfort to know I wasn’t alone). It was his baby, too. Overall, just find support! — Courtney

Make the doctor/nurse write down any instructions for aftercare. You aren’t in your right mind before or after, and you might not remember. Also, the procedure is quick and easy, it’s the waiting to get it done and the emotional toll it takes after that’s hard. — Anna

Take the meds the doctor offers. Cancel everything on the calendar that week. Have a good heating pad and a pile of books/movies, etc that have NOTHING to do with children. Cry. Grieve. Eat, drink lots of water, take vitamins. Pamper yourself. Once you’re up and about take walks to gain strength and reflect. — Claire

My only advice is that you need to do whatever YOU need to do. I stayed in bed for days… physically it isn’t too bad but emotionally it is horrific — Jenny

Mine was optional, for missed miscarriage. (no heartbeat & measured 6 weeks behind, but no symptoms such as spotting or cramping). For my situation, I chose D&C out of fear, not knowing what to expect if I waited it out. In retrospect, I wish I had waited. – Sarah

{Disclaimer} 

I never knew I’d love being a mother as much as I do. My husband & I have a healthy 7 year old. We had been trying since his 1st birthday to have another baby. I didn’t worry about trying too much because we got pregnant with our son in a month, so it seemed like maybe it was just taking longer.

Finally, after years go by I decide to talk to a fertility specialist. After all kinds of tests, we decided to do IUI fertility treatments. The first 2 were unsuccessful. The 3rd time the nurse said, “you are definitely getting pregnant today“. We were so excited. Could this really be it? Only a few weeks later, we were let down again with a negative pregnancy test. I was so upset. I gave up & told my husband I couldn’t continue to go through this roller coaster of emotions. We decided to stop all treatments.

The VERY next month I ended up getting pregnant. With no help. We were in shock. It took 6 years to get pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. We were so excited. So excited, that we couldn’t keep the news to ourselves. It was still rather early, but after my check up we decided we were going to tell our families. My 1st pregnancy was so easy & problem free that we thought it would be fine. We first told my son, who took a few minutes to get excited. We then told our families and they all cried. Knowing what we had been through to get this far.

The day after we told our families, I started spotting. Immediately I knew it was a problem, but everyone kept assuring me this happens. I would continue to call the doctors office and after the 3rd call they told me to come in & have an ultrasound just to make myself feel better because I was probably fine. I went in & thankfully my husband could go along. The technician kept assuring me this happens & as long as it wasn’t heavy or bright red we should be fine. She asked how far along I was and I told her 8 weeks. “Huh….you’re only measuring 6 weeks” , she said. Again, she said this could be they had the dates wrong, but the heart rate was rather slow. She said this could also be because they were far off on the dates & the heart is just now starting to beat. She had no answers for me, except that it could either be I was beginning to miscarry or they were off on how far along I was. She told me I had to go home to wait and see. I lost it right there. The technician was hugging me and trying to console me. She asked me if I wanted a picture. I said yes, but couldn’t look at it. Still to this day can’t look at it. Go home….to wait and see what’s going to happen.

I was a complete wreck for days, but I knew deep down what was happening. They weren’t off on my dates. I knew the dates were right. In trying to get pregnant, you know your cycles like clockwork. I didn’t leave the couch for days until my next appointment. They told me to come back to get measured and see what was happening. I went back to the doctors. Of course, they have you sit in the waiting room with all these pregnant women who are healthy and excited and you are sitting there trying not to lose your mind because you know what is happening and there is no way to stop it!

I finally went back & she told me she will tell me as soon as she knew. Sure enough after only a few minutes, she said there was no heartbeat. I lost it again and the technician walked me to another room where my husband and I could wait for the doctor to come in. We waited for over 30 minutes in this room. We have all been to the doctor and you’ve had to wait for your routine appointment because there was an emergency. This was one of those emergencies!!!! Why were they not pushing off a routine exam for me? I was furious and so was my husband. He really was ready to go out and flip out on someone. The nurse came in to apologize, but since we weren’t a “scheduled appointment” it threw them off. Oh, I’m sorry! This wasn’t really on my schedule either! Finally, the doctor came in and said……wait for it……..”Any questions?”. Really?!, I thought…..any questions? Why are you such a jerk would be my first question, but, instead I asked what to expect. He said bleeding like a heavy period and it’s up to me if I want a D&C. I had no idea so I just decided to go home.

No one tells you what to expect. The hardest part was telling my 6 year old son, who didn’t understand. He cried and I couldn’t make it better. No one tells you what the next few days are going to entail. I guess I was naive, but I really thought I’d just bleed. Words can’t even explain what you go through next. The emotional and physical pain is unbearable! I can’t believe I was sent home with no medication for the pain. I also should have been on something for my mental state. Not only that you then get avoided by people that supposedly love and care about you, but because they don’t know what to say they don’t check on you or call you. There you are alone. Trying to get through this.No one understands what you are going through. They just avoid you or make hurtful comments like, “life goes on” or “at least you have one.”

I feel like I was in a real life horror movie. Pain that is unbearable….emotionally, physically, loneliness. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Even trying to stay grounded in my faith was a struggle. If there is a God – why would he answer my prayers only to take them away? It seemed so cruel. Then not even a month after my miscarriage, I found out my sister in law was pregnant. And, my best friend who hadn’t been trying to get pregnant and wasn’t in the best relationship, found out she was pregnant the day of my miscarriage. How ironic is that? It seems when you’re going through this struggle everyone is pregnant and I just became more and more angry. I’ve had to go to counseling to get to a better place.

I wish I could end this with some encouraging words for anyone going through this. It has now been over a year since my miscarriage. My due date has come and gone. The one thing people told me that I did find true was you will never get over it. It’s always there. I try not to think too much about what could have been because it will take me to a dark place that I can’t go back to. If you are going through this, know that you’re not alone. That someone out there knows what you are going through and sympathizes. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling and you will need time.

My fiancé and I had my little boy Rylan (now 2) on December 9, 2010. This was my first pregnancy and I had no complications whatsoever! He came out to be a healthy 8 lb 6 oz baby boy! Last year around Feb. 2012, we decided that we wanted to start trying again, I never really used any kind of contraceptives after having my son, so I thought the process of getting pregnant would be easy again. We tried off and on because we had a lot going on at the time and sometimes we weren’t sure whether we really were ready! So, finally in January of this year 2013, we decided it was really time so we went for it!

After only two months trying, I found out I was pregnant March 3, 2013! I kind of suspected it because a week before my expected period I had some spotting which I thought was weird…then it hit me IMPLANTATION BLEEDING! I was so excited that 4 days after the spotting I went out and bought a home pregnancy test and it was positive!!  My fiancé didn’t believe it because I hadn’t even missed my period yet, so he went out and bought 2 ClearBlue Digital tests and sure enough, they were also positive!! Since then, I haven’t really experienced any symptoms except fatigue so I wasn’t really believing it myself!!

On Thursday 3/21 (to my calculations I would have been around 6 weeks gestation  I started having some heavy spotting. It started off a light pink color and throughout the day got a little brighter with tinges of red! I freaked out a little because the spotting was a little heavier (not at all like a period though) so I took 2 pregnancy tests that I had left over…one was neg. and the other a faint positive!! I started crying!

I scheduled my 1st OBGYN appointment for Friday 3/22/13  and when I went in, they did my urine test and it also came up positive, but very faint so they drew some blood. I told my OB what I was experiencing, heavier spotting (but not a lot and only when I whipped) no cramps or back pain and no passing of clots or tissue. She told me it was normal to spot, but that she would do an ultrasound the next day to make sure! We went in the next day hoping for the best, but preparing ourselves just in case and sure enough the tech saw nothing on the monitor! Not even a gestational sac  – we were heartbroken! My hCG blood levels were also really low, which they told me was obviously not a good sign. They scheduled me for another ultrasound appointment the next Saturday just to make sure (in case it was too early).

I feel as if I am still in denial, I keep hoping we will go back and something will magically appear on the monitor but I know my hCG levels are decreasing even more. I know I have lost my precious baby! I am experiencing a flood of emotions, I feel guilty more than anything. I feel as though it was my body’s fault for not protecting my little one the way it should have and rejecting it. I know I shouldn’t think like this because these things just happen…and no matter what we do, we can’t prevent them, but I am just finding it so hard to deal with.

My fiancé is truly crushed!! I walked into the bathroom earlier today only to find him sitting on the floor sobbing! What do I tell him when I myself can’t be comforted?!? I feel as though I have also failed him for not being able to give him this baby! I wish I didn’t have to go back to get a second ultrasound, we will walk into a room where you are supposed to feel happy to see your unborn child and all we will see is nothing…AGAIN! Why do we have to hear that devastating news twice?

My precious baby: even though I never got to see you in an ultrasound, or heard your little heartbeat, held you in my arms, or say that my little boy was now a big brother, I loved you the very day those pregnancy tests showed up positive! Some people say it doesn’t hurt that much because you never developed, but it hurts just as bad! You were a part of me and Daddy, something we created together and you were taken just as unexpectedly as you arrived! No matter how tiny you may have been, you have forever left the biggest imprint in our hearts! I love you little Cataleah (Daddy was sure you would be a girl and he kept bugging me that this is what we would name you) and this is, and will forever be, what I will remember you by. I love you very much my little one, I am happy to know that my little angel is now in paradise looking down on us next to Jesus!

– Kayla

When I first found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend was the first person to know and then I sent out a mass text to all my friends. I waited to tell mom after my nephew’s birthday, then after it was over I pulled her aside and gave her a congrats on becoming a new grandparent card. She thought it was a joke until she saw me tear up saying “just so know this isn’t a joke” and of course she was happy and crying tears of joy.

Well, later that night around 3:30 in the morning, I started having cramping like 30 times worse than having menstrual cramps and I was bleeding BAD and HEAVY, so I went back to bed.

I woke up in the morning and something deep down told me something wasn’t right, so I call my mom and she urged me to go to the ER.  My best friend, mother (who met us there) and I went to the ER.  After being there for 6 hours and running test, ultrasounds, they said I had an early miscarriage and told me I was around 4 weeks and 4 days.

After hearing that kind of news, it was like someone was ripping my heart out. It’s been one month since I had my miscarriage and I’m not the same person anymore. My boyfriend and I stopped trying for at least a year so I can heal from this whole ordeal because nobody really knows what you’re going through unless they’ve been through it themselves.

– Amber

I had my LMC on 12/17/12. I knew I ovulated on the 28th or 30th of December. Got the first faint positive on a Wonfo test strip on 1/12/13. I got a positive on a FRER on 1/14/13 and a positive ClearBlue digital on 1/15/13.

I was officially pregnant! I was so happy, laughing and jumping up and down.

I started to bleed on 1/19/13 and went to the ER. They ran my blood work and my levels came back 18 hCG. They told me I am having a miscarriage. I didn’t want to believe it. I had blood work done again, hCG 27; blood work hCG 44; I should have been in the 100′s or 1,000′s by now. I think it’s important to share my numbers with you because these numbers are NOT normal.

I went back to the ER 1/26/13 because I was so scared of ectopic pregnancy. Blood work came back 93 hCG and ultrasound showed nothing in tubes, but was still very early to still detected. They did see something starting to form in my uterus. That was a small spark of hope.

I did not go back in like I should have to do more blood work. I was so tired of going to the lab and so stressed about losing my baby. I just wanted to relax and have my life back.

Started very heavy bleeding on 2/7/13 like the heaviest menstrual period I’ve ever had and they have always been light and for about three days max. Heaving bleeding went on for a week and I had to go back for blood work out of absolute fear. hCG levels went from last blood work 35 to a 77 and they told me I needed the Methotrexate shot to help my body dissolve the tissue left in my body or take care of the early ectopic pregnancy in my tube. I was surprisingly strong and very calm about it. My husband came home early from work to take me to the Dr. I’m so glad he did that. The shot was easy, just a pinch in my behind, and my Dr. came in to talk with me.

Apparently miscarriage is very common, but let me tell you, when I got those little pink lines on my test, a miscarriage never even crossed my mind. I’m having a baby everyone! My husband actually told me not to celebrate just yet and that the next three months were going to be tough. How did he know? I don’t know. But, he was right.

I’m glad I told a few girlfriends and my family I was pregnant so early because after all of this, the support was needed to stay strong and get through it. I’m honored to share my story with all of you because I want women out there to know that it’s not your fault, there was nothing you could have done, and you need to get healthy so you can try again. Think positive vibes for you and your baby, stay as healthy as possible and keep working towards your personal goals (being successful) and your family will come at the right time. I know you can do it and I hope to get pregnant again very, very soon.

– Cerra