UNTREATABLE' S BLOG - Borderline Personality Self Harm Depression

Making Amends

2008-07-24T12:45:00.003-04:00

For the last little while I have been contemplating the idea of writing a letter to my (ex) wife (we have been seperated for almost three years but no divorce has been filed) to try and explain the situation that led to our breakup but the problem that I seem to be dealing with is I do not want to come off as manipulating or trying to push off the reason so my illness takes the full blame.

When I returned from the hospital way back in 05 it was basically the beginning of the end. She was not happy that no real gains were made and that I left the hospital on false pretenses. I had decided that two months in the hospital was more then enough so I found a floater doc and somehow convinced him that I was perfectly fine and would be better off if I was allowed to return home. This was a lie as I was still cutting on a daily basis and mentally I knew that I was in a bad place. Anyway after I returned home everything was alright for a bit but then my grasp of reality began to fade. The first thing I do when I am in trouble is basically isolate myself and push everyone around me away. I became very difficult to deal with and basically pushed my spouse in to a position where she believed the best option for her and our child was to leave. On a Borderline Personality Disorder level the justification from my end was that I became sick and she left. The real reason is my world was so chaotic at the time that I needed to be alone and limit any outside stresses. So she left.

My background is not a very pretty sight and for the longest time I kept it hidden from anyone including her. My act was busted open one night as I woke her up screaming and basically beating the hell out of our bed. I told her enough to justify the actions but again kept most of the story in the dark. Over time I would tell her bits and pieces to help her understand me better but never telling her the whole story (no one has ever heard the whole story to this day). When my breakdown finally happened she was introduced to a person she had never seen before and it scared her. She stuck around and pushed me to get the help that I needed which ended up in the two month psych ward stay but in the end instead of using her for support I pushed her out the door.

I don't regret to many areas of my life for the basic reason being the majority of them I had little to no control over but the situation surrounding her has been constantly at war with my brain since before I forced her into making the decision to leave. I know why I did what I did but that is not a good enough reason and I want to try and explain to her what happened but have not figured out the right way to do so. Anyway that is what I am thinking about these days. How do you make amends to someone who was just trying to help but ended up getting hurt in the process. Take care

Dentist Follow Up

2008-07-23T12:16:00.003-04:00

Well the appointment went as good as expected and to top it off I received a wonderful surprise. I was walking into the office and just finished talking with the receptionist when I heard someone calling out my name. I turned to look and there was my son with his grandparents. Turns out he had an appointment at the same time, he had mentioned that he was to see the dentist this week but could not remember when it was. So I was able to spend a few valuable moments with my four year old which does more for my state of mind then any combination of drugs and therapy.

When he had gone to his appointment I spoke with his grandfather for a bit who is a really nice guy and even the stress that I had put his daughter through has always treated me well. We talked about this and that and I have a funny feeling it probably sounded a bit weird from my end as I am really out of practice when it comes to speaking to others. A few brief phone calls a week, the odd appointment with a doctor and the weekly visits with my four year old which means there is a lot of time spent where I do not utter any words out loud (I do talk to myself but that really does not count). I keep thinking that my mental doctor loves to say that I am not a great talker so he greatly appreciates when I write out my monthly well being report but I wonder if he has clued in that it has a lot to do with me being out of practice then anything else. All of a sudden I am suppose to explain my current situation and who knows what is going to come out of my mouth at a terrific speed so needless to say I do not make a lot of sense at times.

Well apparently my dental work is almost completed .. finally which my mental doc was waiting for so "we" could start Nardil again but I threw a wrench into that plan by insisting on restarting Effexor (Which I am really wondering why at the moment as it has been anything but positive). For me to go back to Nardil means I would have to come off of Effexor and take no antidepressants for a couple of weeks to allow my blood to clear before starting a MAOI antidepressant. The last time I went through this process I was in a hospital setting and it was not a very pleasurable experience, the med change was not the reason it had more to do with a self harm session that came a little bit to close to the life and death line. I am really rambling here which means I have not taken my meds yet so I will close this here and go find the chemical assistance to slow my world down. Take care

Tuesday

2008-07-22T11:59:00.003-04:00

I have an appointment later on this afternoon with the dentist to take care of a couple of problems. For the last month or so I have not been taking the four o'clock dose of Seroquel as the Effexor puts me into a weird head space so I did not really want to add to it (I still take Seroquel three times a day) but with the anxiety that comes with each dental appointment I am going to take the "extra" dose today and hope it does not put me to sleep or in that funny head space where reality is not really reality at all.

The dental staff are really nice people and they have done nothing less then making sure I am as comfortable as possible so my anxiety level should not be effected the way it is but like everything else it has to do with issues from the past and not the present. I have a lot of problems with people touching me and also standing in my personal space circle. I know where it comes from and even though it is not related to a dental setting it still manages to spike the anxiety rate.

When I was in the hospital the nursing staff figured out rather quickly it is better to approach me from the front and even a warm gesture such as a pat on the shoulder will provoke a physical reaction from me (my hands ball up and my elbows get ready to strike but thankfully I do not swing) automatically. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder keeps my brain on constant alert getting ready to attack if threatened. When I enter a room I know where everyone is sitting, the fastest way out and the overall feel of the room within seconds and each time a new person enters I add it to the mental report then reevaluate my safety level. One of the constant comments from the nursing staff was that I spent too much time on my bed with all of the curtains drawn around me which they believed was a form of isolation related to the depression and they were half right for I was trying to isolate but it had more to do with controlling my environment then not wanting to interact with others.

Back to the dental appointment the thought of being stuck in a chair, in a small room with two people standing very close to me plus having to be hands on to complete the procedure should be no surprise to anyone that my brain is not going to be too happy about it. Yep that extra dose of Seroquel is coming into play today. Take care.

The Fight

2008-07-21T12:27:00.003-04:00

Every day is a new fight, a fight that I have to win. Wake up and almost instantaneously I can see the monster that is out to destroy me. It is a tricky little bugger for when I think I have finally been able to get past him is when the demon is truly winning the battle. The second I stop fighting to catch my breath is when he attacks catching me at my most vulnerable. Some how I think that I have finally taken that crucial step but instead of celebrating over the victory my brain starts to wonder for how long is this "good" period going to last. Is it going to be here for a couple of hours, days or weeks and when the next time the mental illness monster strikes how bad is it going to be and will I have the strength inside to pull myself out of the hole once again. I can see the path in front of me but not for very long as it is full of black holes and decisions that need to be made with the right choices or else there is going to be hell to pay. So I fight for that next step along the path to recovery and I hope that maybe this time the journey will end in the right place instead of sending me back to the beginning. Take care.

Messy Room by Shel Silverstein

2008-07-20T12:08:00.001-04:00

Messy Room

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

Shel Silverstein
Wikipedia Link

The Sad Child By Margaret Atwood

2008-07-19T12:10:00.002-04:00

A Sad Child

You're sad because you're sad.
It's psychic. It's the age. It's chemical.
Go see a shrink or take a pill,
or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll
you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad
but some get over it.
Count your blessings. Better than that,
buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.
Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?
Your sadness, your shadow,
whatever it was that was done to you
the day of the lawn party
when you came inside flushed with the sun,
your mouth sulky with sugar,
in your new dress with the ribbon
and the ice-cream smear,
and said to yourself in the bathroom,
I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes
right down to it
and the light fails and the fog rolls in
and you're trapped in your overturned body
under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you
and igniting the tarmac beside you head
or else the floor, or else the pillow,
none of us is;
or else we all are.

Margaret Atwood
Wikipedia Link

Lets Try This Again

2008-07-17T16:09:00.003-04:00

I think I can blame the lack of creativity on Effexor for I have tried to write numerous times this week and to be quite honest all that came out of it was frustration.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she seemed to clue in to the struggle that I am going through at the moment. When my illness is in its "normal" phase I will tell her whether things are going good or bad but once I past that certain line I tend to completely clam up. Some stupid belief that by talking about the illness it is going to make it worse so I don't do it. The purpose of a strong support system is to have a place to turn when you need it but like other areas in my life instead of asking others for help I just continue to push them away.

Self harm is one of those areas especially when it involves the doctor. Part of my brain is to worried he is going to see a slip or a brief episode as an indicator of loss of control which may lead to another hospital stay so I either lie my ass off or just refuse to answer the question. Part of this I justify by believing that I know when I am in control and when I am in trouble of course the blatant truth would be I am the last person who should be judging where I am on the mental health spectrum. Trying to explain to someone, even someone who is a mental health professional why you choose to cause damage to your body is never easy and I always feel afterwords that I was misunderstood so I tend to avoid talking about it. I have gone almost nine months with two small slips so from one perspective a lot of gains have been made mind you from the other angle this particular monster is still capable of rearing its ugly head.

How is the Effexor working? It is really hard to tell. There are moments when I think my outlook is positive but at the same time I realize that there is a wall up again between me and my emotions. This has benefits for it takes a lot of effort trying to fight negative thought patterns all day but at the same time I tend to feel really disconnected from reality which is not the most pleasant of sensations and one of the reasons self harm popped back up on the radar for a few moments.

Anyway I apologize for being so quiet lately and like I mentioned before I blame it on the Effexor for it is the easiest answer. Take care.

Quote

2008-07-15T12:11:00.002-04:00

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

- Elie Wiesel
Wikipedia Link

Where I Am

2008-07-13T12:44:00.003-04:00

I have a funny feeling this last little downward spiral is due to Effexor. For the last couple of months I have been relying on the wonderful fog that is Seroquel which tends to keep my brain somewhat limited when it comes to emotions and feelings. Along comes Effexor and for what ever the reason I am now well aware of those little nasty thought patterns that are circling through my head. Through past experience I know this will past as soon as the brain becomes accustomed to all of the new chemical help at least til the next time the drug is increased.

Most people talk about the fog that comes with mental meds how they are unable to feel all of the happy moments around them but at the same time the negative tends to be a lot less severe so there is a definite trade off. Unfortunately to really experience the good you need to experience the bad for without evil good does not exist.

Through periods such as this I try to keep myself occupied with rather simplistic tasks that do not require any thinking or processing of any sort so for the last few days I have spent swearing at video games and basically allowing my brain to become use to the med with little interference from me. The danger in doing this is the routine gets thrown right out the window and before you know it your back to sleeping twelve plus hours a day, can't remember the last time you ate and the trips to the outside world are literally minutes per day. I think I am passed the hump so the first thing to do is reestablish the routine to resemble a somewhat healthy routine and get out of the pattern I currently occupy.

I want to thank you all for the amount of support and good will sent my way which is greatly appreciated and definitely helped. Til next time take care.

A Comedy Break

2008-07-12T12:42:00.002-04:00

Jeremy Hotz Official Website

A Mental Vacation

2008-07-10T14:36:00.003-04:00

I do not know what the reason or the trigger is but for whatever the reason mentally I am going the wrong way. It could be the reintroduction of Effexor, it could have resulted from a bad dream or it could have been something that I wrote on this blog but for whatever the reason I ended up in a place that I really did not want to be back in. When a situation like this arises the first thing I do is disappear into my mind trying to sort out the mess and I also tend to isolate myself to a more high degree as all outside factors seems to add to the confusion so the goal is to simply my world as much as possible until I can regain some form of control.

This blog comes with a price and that is to show the world of mental health as realistic as possible I need to search my brain looking for that situation which will drive the point home but by doing so I am also spending too much times in areas that are best left alone. Basically what I need at this time is a mental vacation so I am going to use this week as such. I don't want to say I am not going to blog for a while for I never know when the urge to hit will reappear but I am going to take a step back and try to clear the cobwebs in my head. Take care.

An Observation

2008-07-08T13:24:00.003-04:00

One of the best skills I had as a social worker was the ability to pick a problem apart to discover the roots of the situation but now this ability is standing in the way of my chance for recovery. A comment I see on a rather regular basis on the different forums that I participate on is to just let the situation go and move on with your life. This is a lot easier said then done and when your brain is wired similar to my own seems almost impossible.

Some people are able to deal with a problem just by shrugging it off which is something I was once able to do but not anymore. Before if a situation would arise that mentally I did not want to deal with the first reaction would be to bury it as deep as possible and basically forget or pretend it never happened. This approach worked for a long time until I ran out of room to hide the past. Now I am unable to do this and every single situation in my life is picked a part until my brain is fully satisfied of the reasoning which unfortunately never happens. I can work through a problem and seem to get past it but instead of walking away I turn around and kick the bloody thing to make sure the situation is completely dead which it never is and I end up dealing with the problem once again. I wonder if this is due to some weird form of curiosity or is linked to being self destructive. I know this I will take chaos over a quiet day at every chance for this is what I know and tend to be most comfortable in. When dealing with chaos I have to focus on the problem to make sure it does not get any worse so my brain is firing on all cylinders but when the quiet days arise my brain is basically searching for a problem to tackle and it always finds one or creates a new situation. Chaos is my drug of choice.

I wrote in a book once that the character needed to figure out a way to separate yesterday from today to have any shot at recovery and in a lot of ways this applies to my life as well. I need to figure out how to handle the past, deal with it and then erase it from memory so my brain is unable to keep going back and using it to fuel my illness. A neat trick that I have no clue on how to pull off. Take care.

This And That

2008-07-07T12:08:00.003-04:00

I wonder sometimes what people's impression is of me especially those that come from a search engine or what have you and read only one post before taking off. The comment section gives me a pretty good idea sometimes as people send forth advice for that one small segment of my life and my battle. Normally the suggestions are pretty good and may actually help if that was the only situation but of course it is not.

When I started this blog some seven months ago part of the intention was to give a realistic view of what it is like living with a multitude of mental disorders and to hopefully show the complexity of the situation. I am not someone with major depressive disorder or borderline personality disorder or generalized anxiety disorder or even post traumatic stress disorder but my illness is a combination of all four. On their own each disorder has a somewhat standard treatment plan but when they are combined the answers become a lot more hidden. The depression aspect is complicated by the borderline diagnosis for at least in my doctors opinion stands in the way of any sort of talk therapy as I may be too busy looking for a personal attack then concentrating on the actual work needed to be done. The borderline diagnosis on its own is difficult enough but again it is shifted into a difficult monster by the post traumatic stress disorder as the negative self image can go through archives of old traumas to really put me into a hole that is difficult to get out of which then adds to a depression level that borderlines on danger. The generalized anxiety disorder is fueled by the borderline and post traumatic demons as it keeps me on my toes waiting for the next onslaught to hit. Spend all of your time waiting for something bad to happen and guess what something bad will happen.

Each disorder has its own stigma and the majority of them are completely off base. I would imagine when someone hears my diagnosis they can not decide which box to put me in and that is the point of this blog. Yep I have four concurrent mental disorders and they play a huge role in my life but if you can take the time to see past all of the fancy words and see me for who I am then you might be pleasantly surprised with what you find. For whatever the reason this situation has been put on me so I do what I do best which is fight and the decision to make this a public affair in the hopes that people will stop looking at the disorders and start to look at the human being behind the labels battling to get their life back on track. Take care.

Armchair Diagnosis

2008-07-06T10:47:00.004-04:00

I normally do not write on the weekends but with this latest saga with Effexor I never know when the urge is going to hit so I better take advantage of it when it does show up. Yep that made a lot of sense. Anyway I have been spending a lot of time over at healthboards recently not actually participating but reading what others have written and I see a trend that is starting to reappear once again which is people trying to diagnose others with some variety of mental illness.

It is damn near impossible to diagnose someone from one post and to be quite honest it is a little bit irresponsible at the same time. Telling someone they may have a specific diagnosis may seem helpful but it also sends the person to doing mass research on the diagnosis and even if the label is wrong by the time they are done going through all of the material they will convince themselves it is a perfect fit. On a good/bad day I basically meet the standard for close to every diagnosis out there from the way the criteria is spelled out.

To get a proper diagnosis done it is essential that you do the following:

(A) Seek out a qualified mental health professional hopefully one that answers to the name doctor.
(B) Provide as much information as possible in order to get a clear diagnosis. The doctor is looking for long standing patterns which will help him/her match up the right diagnosis. There is no such thing as too much information.
(C) Ask questions. If you do not think the diagnosis is correct ask the doctor for a better explanation/clarification remember you are paying him for his service.

The proper diagnosis leads to a proper treatment plan which will hopefully put you back into the game. The wrong diagnosis leads to increase levels of anxiety which is never a good thing on any level. Take care.

Insomniac By Sylvia Plath

2008-07-04T23:17:00.001-04:00

Insomniac

The night is only a sort of carbon paper,
Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars
Letting in the light, peephole after peephole ---
A bonewhite light, like death, behind all things.
Under the eyes of the stars and the moon's rictus
He suffers his desert pillow, sleeplessness
Stretching its fine, irritating sand in all directions.

Over and over the old, granular movie
Exposes embarrassments--the mizzling days
Of childhood and adolescence, sticky with dreams,
Parental faces on tall stalks, alternately stern and tearful,
A garden of buggy rose that made him cry.
His forehead is bumpy as a sack of rocks.
Memories jostle each other for face-room like obsolete film stars.

He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue ---
How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!
Those sugary planets whose influence won for him
A life baptized in no-life for a while,
And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.
Now the pills are worn-out and silly, like classical gods.
Their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good.

His head is a little interior of grey mirrors.
Each gesture flees immediately down an alley
Of diminishing perspectives, and its significance
Drains like water out the hole at the far end.
He lives without privacy in a lidless room,
The bald slots of his eyes stiffened wide-open
On the incessant heat-lightning flicker of situations.

Nightlong, in the granite yard, invisible cats
Have been howling like women, or damaged instruments.
Already he can feel daylight, his white disease,
Creeping up with her hatful of trivial repetitions.
The city is a map of cheerful twitters now,
And everywhere people, eyes mica-silver and blank,
Are riding to work in rows, as if recently brainwashed.

Sylvia Plath
Wikipedia Link

The Mental Health Directory

2008-07-04T10:35:00.004-04:00

Well the results have been pretty good so far but hopefully more people will add their blog to the list. The only real criteria that I have been watching out for is blogs that are basically brand new. Running a mental health blog does take its toll so a number of blogs do not make it past their first month or twentieth post so I am a bit reluctant to add them to the list. Anyway the traffic has been alright on this page and hopefully it has sent some more readers their way. I have noticed that those who have taken the time to write a description seem to be getting the majority of the traffic. So those writers who I transferred over from my blog roll please send in a better description then the few words I used to describe your blog. I am hoping this directory will continue to grow so if you know anyone who should be on this list please send them my way. Below is what the current directory looks like. Happy fourth to my American friends. Take care

Mental Health Blog Directory

This page is constantly changing so please check back often. If you have a blog that would fit in well here just leave me a comment with the following form filled out and I will transfer it over :

1. Name of blog
2. Address of blog
3. A brief summary of what you write about.

No business/money making sites will be accepted.

(In order of appearance)

1. Family Times
- I write about my large family, adoption, foster care, working at a residential treatment center for mentally ill kids, my own mental illnesses, mental illnesses of others in my family, abuse, etc.

2. Pennsylvania Echoes
-Pennsylvania Echoes is my blog about meditation, zen, and my non conformist life philosophy. It also brushes my self therapy and my day to day life as a manager of Bipolar Disorder. I have posted a list of breathing exercises, a downloadable mood chart... so far.As a consumer of both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Gestalt Therapy, I think Pennsylvania Echoes offers a slightly unusual, but responsible, view point on mental and physical wellness.

3. Jackal
- My blog, 'Jackal' is a mix of my trials and tribulations of struggling with everyday life due to Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, Depression and Anxiety and an insight into my creative side from poetry, writing and photography.

4. Clinically Clueless
- Life of trauma and abuse primarily through past journaling with author’s own current commentary, some current journaling, poetry and fingerpainting and posts on specific issues (major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, self-injury and suicide) faced with hope to increase awareness and compassion for those with mental illness.

5. How Is Bradley
- Just a guy sharing the wacky world of bipolar disorder, the humbling experience of getting in shape and some random thoughts sprinkled in.

6. Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out
- I write about all aspects of BPD from my perspective as a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder. Information and support for those with BPD and information and support and in depth understanding for non borderlines as well.

7. I'm Listening
- Briefly, my journey with a mood disorder and BPD

8. Polar Bear Blog
- Life with borderline personality disorder

9. Random Thoughts of Self
- It focus's on Self Harm/Injury Covers all aspects I guess, probably best described as a collection of resources found on the net. A personal journey.

10. Avoidance Junkie
- Depression, Schizzoaffective Disorder Bipolar type, Dissociative Disorder NOS, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

11. BPD in OKC
- Borderline Personality Disorder

12. Gracefully Abnormal
- Depression

13. Swirls In My Head
- Borderline Personality Disorder. Depression

14. Brainmenu
- Depression, Anxiety

15. Cracked Head Blog
- Addiction, Bipolar, Depression

16. Depression Marathon
- Female runner and healthcare professional details her 7-year battle with severe depression and how it has changed her personality, identity and life. Topics also include running, addiction and recovery, stigma, BPD, healing and gratitude.

17. I Trust When Dark My Road
- Depression

18. Patient Anonymous
- Depression, Self Harm, Bipolar

19. Shiv's Brain
- Bipolar

20. Storied Mind
- Depression

21. Your Wandering Mind On Depression
- Depression

22. But A Dream Within A Dream
- Chronic Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Dissociative Disorder

23. Dirty Little Secret
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

24. Here And Now
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

25. Mulligrubs
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

26. Asdquefty's Journal
- The journey of a young man living with Asperger's syndrome as he tries to find his way through life and overcome social anxiety and depression.

27. Asharose
- An everyday journal about what I'm up to, as well as a mental health blog describing life with Social Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Documenting my thoughts and feelings, my struggles and my successes.

28. The Secret Life Of A Manic Depressive
- Bipolar

Meds: The Beginning

2008-07-03T10:52:00.003-04:00

I have been on way too many drugs in the last three years or so and the worst part normally happens when starting or when there is an increase in dosage. It has been three days since I started Effexor again. The headache is a common first stage side effect and thankfully Motrin tends to keep it at bay, the stomach trouble seems to be connected to what I eat at the time so this will require a little bit of trial and error. The mental garbage that is appearing is a little bit more difficult and requires some constant monitoring.

Driving to the store the other day when some time in the middle of the trip I realized I was daydreaming a bit and the car was basically driving itself. Little bit scary when you reach your destination and you don't have a clue what took place in the journey there. Solution seems to be to give the med at least an hour before I get behind the wheel.

Suicidal thinking tends to be increased with the introduction of heavy duty antidepressants so it is important to realize that this is the med that is causing this and if the phenomenon changes from thoughts to planning it is time to get your ass back to the doctor quickly.

Self harm urges. A royal pain in the ass and again my theory is the increase in energy is what is pushing these urges. I deal with self injury urges on a pretty constant basis but before I just could not be bothered but all of a sudden the motivation is there. Again recognizing the renewed energy from the med goes a long way plus the fact that the relief it offers is temporary at best.

Sleep and dreams. Boy does it get weird fast. I forgot about the Effexor dreams which are basically a Freudian nightmare. Wake up in the morning just shaking your head trying to make sense of something out of it seems to be a common occurrence.

This is going to sound really weird but the fact that my body is drug resistant is actually a positive thing when it comes to side effects for I tend to adapt to them very quickly. Of course the bad side of drug resistance is my meds need constant tweaking to keep them working and they tend to just stop working for no good reason what so ever.

Well I have a few more days at 37.5 then it is increased to 75mg for the remainder of the month then chances are it will be increased to 150mg and who knows after that. At least with the prior experience with this med I know what is coming which is half the battle. Back to the original point of this post and that is to be really aware of what is happening and anything that seems odd a quick call to the doctors office may save you from a world of hurt. The worst reaction I have had to a med was with Paxil and within a week it put me into a manic state ending in a two month stay on the psych ward. Remember caution is your friend. Take care.

Lessons We Learn In Death

2008-07-02T11:04:00.001-04:00

I believe any experience whether positive or negative offers a path of learning to better enrich our lives. The passing of a love one is no exception.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. What would happen if you knew that tomorrow morning your eyes would never open again.

1. Would you be rushing off to tell family and friends what they mean to you or would be comfortable with the knowledge that they already know?

2. Would you spend the time in regret of all of the things that you wished to accomplish but for whatever the reason never attempted?

3. Would you be caught thinking about all of the time wasted on the "ifs" and "I wish I could change" instead of being focused on the present?

4. Would you be happy with the way your life went or would you believe that you wasted the greatest gift?

We live in a funny time that seems to get faster and faster with every passing year. I can not tell you what tomorrow is going to bring but I guess the purpose of this post is to gently remind you that it is your life and you are responsible in how it is written. Like that country guy sings live like your dying. take care.

How To Help Someone With Mental Illness

2008-07-01T12:01:00.005-04:00

*This is an older post that I brought back to the surface for a couple of reasons (1) Today is a holiday so it would not be very patriotic to work on Canada's Day
(2) Freaking Effexor headache which was expected but still rather annoying and is screwing up my concentration.

Anyway enough with the excuses and on with the post

How To Help Someone With Mental Illness

Over the course of this blog I have received numerous emails about people who are in a desperate situation trying to help someone in their life who is not mentally well. Unfortunately this is a difficult place to be in as there is not a lot that can be done but that does not mean it is impossible.

1. Change. The best medication, the best programs, the best therapy and the best doctors in the world mean absolutely nothing if the person who is sick does not want to change. This change needs to come from within the person and not the result of wanting to please others around him or her. I have seen to many people whose treatment has failed just due to the wrong mindset. "I want to change for my kids sake" sounds great on the surface but "I want to change so I am in a better position to help my kids" is the answer you want to hear.

2. Learned helplessness. Time and time again I see loved ones who are literally trying to extract the illness from the person by taking care of every single aspect of the persons life. This is not only helpful to the person who is ill but this tends to drop a significant stress load on the person trying to help. I understand that you want to help but you need to draw a line in the sand for both of your sakes. If a person knows that whatever they do someone is going to be there to pick up the pieces how hard are they going to fight for themselves.

3. As a male I have a tough time talking about any aspect of mental health with the people in my life and when someone with good intentions tries to draw my problems out I tend to withdraw even further. I don't need someone to hold my hand but just knowing when I do need to let things out someone is there to hear it. Don't push just tell the person when he or she is ready you will be there.

4. I am well aware of the fact that currently I am disabled by mental illness but I do not need to be reminded that I am sick. Most of the day I spend in my head fighting monsters and one of the best things that you can do is help me focus on a world that is a better place then the one I am currently living in. Remind me what I am fighting for and do not focus on my illness.

5. Patience and lots of it. Mental illness is not like the flu or a broken bone as there is no set time period when the person is better. For some the battle may be short but for others it may cover a long time span. It is important that you pace yourself and do not burn the candle at both ends. A lot of my friends initially were very supportive upfront but once my illness reached the six months point the majority of them had disappeared. There are days when I am the guy next door and there are days when I should be locked up on the psych ward this is just the way mental illness works. As long as I want to change and keep fighting to get to a better place then eventually this battle will be over but it is going to take some time.

6. Warning signs. Please do not ignore them. If the persons behavior suddenly switches to the point where they appear to be a danger to themselves or someone else then it is essential that you act. Every tragedy that shows up in the papers and on the TV always have people talking about signs that could have prevented it. The law is there for a reason and that is to keep the mentally ill person safe and to protect society at large. Yes the person is not going to be happy with you upfront but I have seen a lot of people who will eventually admit that the emergency psych admission was the reason for them to not only turn the corner to recovery but may have saved their lives. My approach has always been it is better to over react then not react at all as I just will not take that chance.

Mental illness is a terrible thing that takes its toll on the people living with and for those trying to help. Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint plus the best thing someone can do is reassure the person that they are not fighting this battle alone and being there when the person reaches out. Take care

The Decision

2008-06-30T14:40:00.003-04:00

There are certain drugs in the mental world that tend to bring up quick and fast reaction from those who have taken them. Effexor is one of those meds. This drug maybe the most common talked about subjects on various health boards around the world wide web and a lot of people do not like it. Of course people who do like this drug do not populate the boards for the simple reason they have nothing to complain about. Effexor is one of the stronger acting anti depressants on the market which also means its side effects can be a trip through hell for some people and this is not even including the process of getting off of the damn thing which is known as the discontinuation syndrome.

Here is a list of warnings coming straight from Effexor's manufacture:
* People taking MAOIs should not take EFFEXOR XR.
* All patients taking antidepressants should be watched closely for signs that their condition is getting worse or that they are becoming suicidal, especially when they first start therapy, or when their dose is increased or decreased. Patients should also be watched for becoming agitated, irritable, hostile, aggressive, impulsive, or restless. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient's doctor right away.
* Before starting EFFEXOR XR, tell your doctor if you're taking or plan to take any prescription or over-the-counter drugs, including migraine headache medication, herbal preparations, and nutritional supplements, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition.
* Taking EFFEXOR XR with aspirin, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, warfarin, or other drugs that affect coagulation may increase the risk of bleeding events.
* EFFEXOR XR may raise blood pressure in some patients. Your blood pressure should be controlled before starting treatment and should be monitored regularly.
* Mydriasis (prolonged dilation of the pupil of the eye) has been reported with EFFEXOR XR. You should notify your physician if you have a history of glaucoma or increased eye pressure.
* When people suddenly stop using or quickly lower their daily dose of EFFEXOR XR, discontinuation symptoms may occur. Talk to your doctor before discontinuing or reducing your dose of EFFEXOR XR.
* Pregnant or nursing women shouldn't take any antidepressant without consulting their doctor.
* Until you see how EFFEXOR XR affects you, be careful doing such activities as driving a car or operating machinery. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking EFFEXOR XR.
* In clinical studies, the most common side effects with EFFEXOR XR (reported in at least 10% of patients and at least twice as often as with placebo) were constipation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, sexual side effects, sleepiness, sweating, and weakness. Ask your doctor if EFFEXOR XR is right for you.

Then of course is the black box warning that seems to be on the box of every antidepressant out there mind you Effexor and Paxil led the way on this one. The problem is there is a chance that your suicidal thinking may increase when starting one of these meds and unfortunately it led to a rather disturbing rise in suicides and suicides attempts hence the black box warning. My theory on this is when your in the middle of a major depressive period the thoughts are there but the energy is no where to be found so after a couple of days on a major antidepressant the damn thoughts are still there but now there is a little boost in energy to actually act on them. The first month of a new antidepressant requires some pretty careful monitoring.

So after that is said and done why would someone basically put themselves in harms way of a potential bad reaction? Simply it is the chance and hope that this may be the piece of the puzzle to pull someone out of the hole that is depression. It is with this last thought in mind that I asked to be put back on Effexor once again.

I took Effexor for close to a year the first time around and my depression towards the end was just getting worse and worse. The problem was along with Effexor I was also taking Wellbutrin, Remeron and Temazapam (Plus about five to six months Zyprexa tagged along til my weight exploded and it had to go) so instead of trying to figure out which med was not carrying its own weight the decision was made to stop all of them and try out a new class of antidepressant. There was also a bad cutting episode that put me into the hospital and then the decision was made regarding the drug therapy switch up.

Back to present time, currently Seroquel is helping with the urges and keeping my brain running at a decent speed but my depression is going the wrong way so I figured it was worth a shot to try Effexor again and the doctor agreed. Now I need to wait the four to six weeks for it to kick in and a couple of months on top of that before I reach a dosage that will hopefully prove to be therapeutic. All I really know is what I have been doing up to this point is not working and it is time for change. Take care.

Television By Roald Dahl

2008-06-28T23:36:00.002-04:00

Television

The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!
'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rate and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.

Roald Dahl
Wikipedia Link

Love In The Asylum By Dylan Thomas

2008-06-28T13:16:00.003-04:00

Love In The Asylum

A stranger has come
To share my room in the house not right in the head,
A girl mad as birds

Bolting the night of the door with her arm her plume.
Strait in the mazed bed
She deludes the heaven-proof house with entering clouds

Yet she deludes with walking the nightmarish room,
At large as the dead,
Or rides the imagined oceans of the male wards.

She has come possessed
Who admits the delusive light through the bouncing wall,
Possessed by the skies

She sleeps in the narrow trough yet she walks the dust
Yet raves at her will
On the madhouse boards worn thin by my walking tears.

And taken by light in her arms at long and dear last
I may without fail
Suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars.

Dylan Thomas
Wikipedia Link

Blogging Basics

2008-06-27T12:05:00.003-04:00

Now right off the bat the majority of my internet endeavors tend to crash and burn but over the last six months I seem to have learned a few things.

1. Content is key - The more content you have the better off you will be. In the last month or so traffic coming in from search engines has really taken off plus if someone actually finds your blog it would be nice if they stuck around for a while.

2. Entrecard is pretty darn reliable - Now they are having a movement where all of the so called power dropping pages are going to be purged from the system (basically a long list of fast loading pages). I am an inbox dropper for the most part so basically if you visit me then chances are I will visit you. At first I was dropping three hundred cards a day and maybe sixty to seventy would return the favor but now I average around a hundred a day and normally about ninety five will come back. For awhile I would just buy a ton of really cheap ads like two or four entrecards a piece, not worried about other traffic but hoping that the actual blog owner would be come a regular dropper. This experiment worked alright I guess but it has been awhile since I tried it lately. I have close to twenty one thousand credits in the EC bank so maybe one day I will go on a spending spree. Anyway back to the point if your blog is new or relatively new and your looking for a fast way to pick up visitors Entrecard may be the key for you.

3. Stumbleupon worked for a long time and for the first five months the majority of my traffic came from them. In the last couple of weeks I have basically put it on the back shelf with the odd attempt but nothing at the level it was before. Again I have a ton of content already stumbled and it still trickles in at an alright pace.

4. Unique Visits Versus Page Visits - With stumbleupon it tended to be one for one or basically the person sees your page then bang is off to another. As of late due mostly to search engines now the page visits are twice to three times higher which I guess means more people are actually sticking around for a while. If I ever try to stick ads on here again apparently page visits are more important then unique visitors but I could be wrong.

5. Your name - The better your name and reputation gets so does the offers from others from around the web world to participate on their sites. If you have a reputation for being a troll chances are you are going to spend a lot of time under the bridge. One of the areas that I really need to improve on is commenting a lot more on other people`s blogs and my own for that matter. Most new blogs that I discover come from comment sections of friends sites, I like the persons comment so I go check out their blog to see what else they have to say.

My statistics are going to go down from what they use to be as the mental switch has gone from quantity to quality readers. The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness and promote understanding regarding mental illness and not a popularity contest (took me awhile to remember that). Anyway that is what I have learned so far and if I can be of any assistance just drop me a line and I will do what I can. Take care.

June Mental Health Report

2008-06-27T00:20:00.004-04:00

I should be sleeping at the moment but I have hesitated taking my pills. Don't tell the doctor but after spending the day lost in the Seroquel fog my brain taking off at full speed is a rather joyous occasion. Anyway I have an appointment early next week so I might as well get this month's report ready. I wrote up last month but never gave it to him as he pissed me off the month before so I decided I was not going to cooperate and shot myself in the foot at the same time ....

Medication -
Morning (roughly 12pm)- 100mg of Seroquel
Afternoon (4pm) - 50mg of Seroquel - this is suppose to be as needed and apparently I need it everyday at 4pm
Supper/Dinner (call it what you want)somewhere between 6pm and 7pm - 100mg of Seroquel
Bedtime (normally I take it around 11:00pm unless something is good on TV) 100mg of Seroquel + 30mg of Temazaepam. It takes roughly an hour and a half to kick in.

Weight -
I think it is lower then it was a month ago but I don't have a working scale but I did have to add a new hole to the belt in the last week or so

Exercise -
Normally three or four times a week for about thirty to forty minutes a session. Have not gone longer then two days without exercising for the month of June so that is a good thing.

Moods -
All over the bloody map. When the depression shows up I am basically getting my ass kicked and there is no nicer way to put it. Seems to be following a weird pattern of about four days of darkness and then one good day of sunshine so I can remember what I am suppose to feel like and then a slide back down for another four days or so. More then a few times this month I longed for the wonderful effects of Effexor or one of his/her/? buddies.

Thought Patterns -
A) Paranoia - For no reason whatsoever I keep getting this feeling that everyone is watching or spying on me which leads to me not leaving the house some days. *On a side note I get it with this blog that there is a huge conspiracy in the works to shut me down or to rip down the blinds so my true identity is known. Irrational thought? You bet it is but a pain in the ass all the same. This is a side note for the doctor to my knowledge does not know this blog exists so this little blurb and anything else related to this site will not be in the written report*
B) Self Destructive - Nothing new here just the same impulses to make a bad situation even worse.
C) The lower I feel the stronger and longer lasting the irrational thoughts are but again no surprise
D) Suicidal thoughts are still present, no better no worse then the last few months

Self Harm -
I am incident free but the temptations and urges are still not decreasing as fast as I hope they would. Dreamed about it a couple of weeks ago and woke up with scratches all over my forearms. The dream was about getting all of the bad out of me so that I would be good or something along those lines

Sleep -
I average over ten hours a night. Tried to get under a better routine so I set the alarm and slept for eight hours or so for two nights in a row which led to a rather unpleasant couple of days. Body responded by sleeping for over twelve hours the few days that followed.

Overall -
To be completely honest it is getting to be difficult to tell one month apart from the next. Nothing seems to change and for the most part June was a carbon copy of May. Have been really trying to focus more on the long term but for whatever the reason it is just not happening as all of my attention seems to be on today and I will deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

Well there is June's rough report and this type of thing my doctor does appreciate as apparently I am not a very good talker and on top of that when the wrong mood or thought strikes all you will get out of me is name, rank and serial number. Take care.

A Beef - Self Harm Pictures

2008-06-26T11:25:00.004-04:00

I was surfing with Stumbleupon yesterday going through the sites related or tagged with self harm and on several occasions came across blogs that simply put bothered me. The writer of the blog for whatever the reason decided to post pictures of their latest self harm session. Now I do not understand the logic behind showing such images but I do know that:

A) People who are in their own battles may find the pictures triggering which makes the war that much harder

B) The stigma surrounding self harm is that people do it to to gain attention which is not true in the majority of cases but posting images is really not helping the stigma to go away or to be decreased.

C) The actual injury from self harm is the result of a very negative coping mechanism but has little importance in the overall picture. If you want to talk about self harm then discuss what led to the result and ways to prevent it from happening again.

The majority of the sites that I found the person usually says something along the lines of "I have been cutting for a week or so and this is what the last session looks like". If you are cutting it means mentally your unwell and need help remember accidentally dying from a self harm incident normally is listed as suicide as cause of death by the coroner's office.

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

Other Things To Do Then Self Harm