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The Best Publishing House Names in the Weird Fiction Small Press

Holden Pike — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:00:00 +0000

The weird fiction small press is filled with great publishers. They publish some of the best, most creative work written. They also publish a dump truck load of crap. And not one of those normal dump trucks. I'm talking about those huge earth movers you see on the Discovery Channel. That is a lot of crap.

The one thing that the small press is really great at is picking colorful names for their publishing companies. They aren't satisfied with names like HarperCollins or William Morrow, or even Penguin.

Tor, to them, is just a waste of a great opportunity to display their creative minds. The founders of those companies were pussies. If they had any balls they would have come up with these great company names before the pioneers of the small press.

So here we are. The best names in the biz.

Raw Dog Screaming Press- Now when I think of the two words "raw dog" I don't think books I think dangerous, against-the-odds, unprotected sex; with a hooker; in the back alley; on crack. And don't' even get me going on the screaming part.

Active Bladder Press- Yeah I don't think I even have anything for this. Other than those dopey bladder control drug commercials with the pipe people in some futuristic land where steam powered copper pipe people have taken over the worldI think dangerous, against-the-odds, unprotected sex; with a hooker; in the back alley; on crack. and bladder control is the cancer of their species. Because that is what you want to portray with your company name; dystopian steampunk bladder control drug specialists.

Creative Guy Publishing. Yeah, we get it, you're creative. Thanks for being subtle about it.

Die Monster Die! Books- Always a positive when you add punctuation in your publishing company's name. It gives that certain air of sophistication. Oh, you weren't going for sophisticate? I'll be gawldarned. And here I thought you were publishing Proust and Nabokov under the Die Monster Die! imprint. Plus the exclamation point underscores your enthusiasm for publishing! Woo-fucking-hoo we're publishing crap!

Four Walls Eight Windows- Thanks for describing your office. They also publish under the Four Chairs and a Table imprint.

Endeavor Press- We'll endeavor to sell you life time subscriptions for everything that is published then go off and become a massage therapist. Yeah, seriously.

Small Beer Press- Because calling it Dollar Pitcher of Nattie Light Press would bring too many lawsuits and possible regrets from bringing home the wrong guy or girl. This is an object lesson of how not to name your publishing company while sitting at a college bar during happy hour.

Dead Letter Press- Naming your company after a cubicle at your local post office might not be very sound. Though dead is one of the seven words normally used in horror publishing along with: black, cemetery, borderlands, blood, some mental condition, and dark. So they get points for that.

Thunder's Mouth Press- If thunder had a mouth then it would say this is a fucking stupid name. Are you kidding me? Anthropomorphizing (is that a word?) a fucking sound that comes when lightning strikes air molecules? At east they got the possessive correct which bodes well for copy-editing in their works they publish. Maybe.

HWA Ignores WHC like the Girl They Hooked Up with the Night Before

Holden Pike — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:00:00 +0000

The HWA and the WHC were all buddy-buddy in Salt Lake City and Toronto. Two relatively popular cities. OK not popular but at least on some people's list of vacation spots. Both awards ceremonies came off without a hitch and were a well attended event. And moving into the 21st century in Salt Lake City they even broadcast the event over the web. So what would make this great relationship sour in the weeks following the success of the Stoker Weekends at both Toronto and Salt Lake City?

Winnipeg. That's right Winni-fucking-peg.

Yes, blame the Canadians once again. Or really blame the HWA for acting like a college football player the morning after slipping a mickey to the pretty girl at the fraternity party. Disappearing in the morning mist after finding out that the cute girl looked like Abe Vegoda. Winnipeg playing the part of Abe here.

Deb LeBlanc writes on the HWA website, "While attending WHC 2008, we had the opportunity to meet with the World Horror Society group and express our concerns about the chosen location (Winnipeg) for WHC 2009." Translation: We ranted and raved to the WHS asking what they were thinking by awarding the WHC to the Arctic Circle. Deb continues, "Some of the concerns noted were the remoteness of the location and expense to travel there—the inherent problems with customs for dealers and/or authors wanting to bring books over the border . . ." Translation: Seriously who even knows where Winnipeg is? I had to look on a map. And why even have it out of the US since everyone knows its stupid to have it outside the US since most of the people attending and most dealers are from the US. Why should we pay more.

Now watch this great juke move by associating the prestigious Edgar Awards with the Stokers: "and the fact that the date scheduled for WHC 2009 fell on the same weekend as the Edgar Awards Banquet. Although the Edgar banquet has nothing to do with HWA, quite a few of our members are also active members of MWA, and the Edgar awards is something they won’t miss. " Translation: By the way the Edgars are the same weekend and at least two of our members are going to those ceremonies and by extension we're cool too and you should take out award seriously. And it sounds like a reasonable reason as to why we aren't participating in the epic fail that is the Winnipeg WHC.
If the WHC is awarded to Madison, Wisconsin, for example, we will drop the WHC like a hooker that just finished.
She continues, "I didn’t want to commit our Stoker event in ’09 to WHS nor to the folks coordinating that year’s World Horror Convention, then have very few of our members show up. Without question, that would spell financial disaster for our organization and theirs." Translation: No one is going to show p for the WHC in 2009 anyway and even less to a Stoker ceremony there so the HWA doesn't' want to be associated with such an EPIC FAIL, since we can do it ourselves thankyouverymuch.

"To get past all these challenges, HWA’s board has decided to do a stand-alone event in Los Angeles in 2009." Translation: We have a big enough challenge to get people to take us seriously so we are trying to have the Stoker Weekend in a well populated area where there are at least more people interested in the award than Polar Bears.

"Although HWA will not be tied to a World Horror Convention in 2009, that doesn’t mean we aren’t committed to making an alliance between the organizations work whenever possible. We have our fingers crossed that WHC 2010 will be in a location mutually beneficial to both orgs." Ohh, burn. Translation: The WHS fucked up mightily by picking Winnipeg and we are hedging our bets just in case the next WHC's are in cool places like London or NYC again. If they are there then we will once again have the Stokers with the WHC. If the WHC is awarded to Madison, Wisconsin, for example, we will drop the WHC like a hooker that just finished.

Leave Us Comments, Please. We Need the Positive Reinforcement

Holden Pike — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 08:00:00 +0000

As you can see and probably chose to ignore is that you have the ability to comment on stories. Now since UFTU does not exist in a vacuum and I know that you are reading my little news articles (I do have a stat package) and I have about as much self esteem as a stripper with severe dadd- issues I need that constant feedback about how much I am making you laugh.

What We Need Right Now is More Zombie Fucking!

Holden Pike — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

Paranormal Romance meets zombie fiction. Yes, I said it, Paranormal Romance meets Zombie fiction. Fuck vampires and ghosts. We need some good down-home zombie sex. I know there are women out there that read paranormal romance and are just slightly off mentally and that a good reanimated corpse fucking would do the trick.

Horror Literature Quarterly: Epic Fail!

Holden Pike — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

HORROR LITERATURE QUARTERLY has closed its doors in one of the most awesome examples of epic fail as can be. HLQ started out as some grand experiment trying to gather the greatest in horror fiction while putting up airs of superiority and self righteousness and failed in grand epic-ness after only four issues.

WARREN ELLIS Meets Writing Deadline: Editor Rejoices

Holden Pike — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

For the first time in the history of comics, Warren Ellis has actually met a deadline ~~imposed~~ ~~suggested~~ hoped for by his editor.

NATE SOUTHARD Takes Prominent Role in 2008 Presidential Election

Holden Pike — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

NATE SOUTHARD had taken a prominent role in the 2008 Presidential election, bringing to light the plight of the everyday horror writer/ working class Joe-sixpack/business owner/regular voter. His rise to prominence brought out critical question for both candidates in terms of how the bail out of the horror industry would affect Main Street authors and whether or not it was worth bailing out the huge publishing conglomerates who have failed to move with the financial times.

HWA Commissions 5 Year Old for Next Anthology Cover Artist.

Holden Pike — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

The HWA , with their success in finding an artist that works with magic marker on construction paper for their cover of Blood Lite: An Anthology of Humorous Horror Stories, have found another prodigy of the crayon. The HWA plans on releasing a new anthology of brand new horror short stories titled, Blood Tired: We Just Aren't Trying Anymore to Look Professional Horror Stories, and they plan on using the kindergarten prodigy as their cover artist.

Bush Demands More Money for War on Zombies

Holden Pike — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 08:00:00 +0000

Pentagon Tasked to Hold off Zombie Hordes that Might Happen Somewhere in the Near Future, Somewhere in the World. House Republicans Back "Patriotic Patriotism to do Something About the Zombie Menace."

After reading The Rising and watching Land of the Dead, George Bush held meetings of the NSC and Joint Chiefs to go over their preparedness for the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Not to be dissuaded that the probability of a zombie horde taking over American is slim to none, President Bush was adamant in setting up funding for the Pentagon to start a new program to combat the zombies.

House Republicans have moved to support the President's budget request to insert an undetermined allocation of money to combat Enemy Zombies both foreign and domestic. House Republicans have also introduced a bill that would give the President powers to declare any person and Enemy Zombie and establish a Zombie Tribunal to try those specific cases.

The Back Page- December 2008

Holden Pike — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 01:28:38 +0000

Horror Literature Quarterly: EPIC FAIL!

Up From the Underground Version 3.145 Now Live

Douchebags Roam Freely on Horror Message Boards

Twilght Creates Resurgence of Crappy Vampire Wannabes

Still Stupified by the WHC 2009 in WINNIPEG: WTF!

WHC 2010 is Already Better than WHC 2009 Based on Just Website Design

Rumors that WHC 2011 Awarded to Barrow, AK

HWA Gives Finger to WHC on the Winnipeg Decision

Stoker Award Weekend Ramping Up to Be Major Stroke Session