My “TALK Model” may help. It offers four important parts to discussing any tragedy with a child. Remember: the key to your discussion is to display calmness and confidence. Only then will children take our words to heart and be more hopeful and thrive.

T.A.L.K. Model to Discuss Tragedy with Kids

T – TALK about the tragic event. Ensure that your child has accurate information that come straight from you.

A – ASSESS how the child is coping, Tune into your child’s feelings and behavior. Watch and listen how he deals with the event so you’ll know how to help him cope and build resilience. Every child handles a tragedy differently.

L – LISTEN to concerns and questions. Use the “Talk. Stop. Listen. Talk. Stop. Listen” model as you converse. The secret is to listen more than your talk. Answer what you can. Follow your child’s lead.

K – KINDLE hope that despite the horror, life will go on. Help your children realize though there is a horrific tragedy, there is also goodness, compassion and hope.

Here are 11 tips to use the T.A.L.K. Model with your children. Use only those tips that apply. Remember, a talk about a devastating event is never a one time discussion. Keep the conversation going and monitor your child.

3. Validate feelings. Children need to know it’s okay to share feelings and that it’s normal to be upset. Help your child find healthy ways to voice concerns. Express your own feelings: “Yes, I’m upset.” “I feel so sad for the families.” What’s most important is letting your child know you are available to listen. Things to consider:

• The closer in proximity a child is to the physical event.
• If the child personally knows the victim.
• If the child is more sensitive or anxious in nature.
• If the child has endured a recent trauma such as a parent’s deployment, a divorce, a death.
• If the child identifies with the victim (such as same age, gender, or other characteristic).

4. Offer age-appropriate information. Tailor facts to the child’s level of understanding. The American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry offers these tips:

Preschool. Don’t assume that your child has not heard about this event. And don’t be surprised if he keeps asking the same questions. Young children often ask the same questions repeatedly as a way to process information. Answer calmly with brief responses. Encourage them to ask as often as they need.  Research shows that younger children do not have the cognitive understanding to recognize that the televised images may be repeats, and assume the tragedy is happening live. 

Ages 5 to 9: This age is curious and tries to make sense of tragedy. Questions might include. “Why do people kill? Why did that boy want to kill those kids?” “Why are people so mean?” Be honest if you don’t know. Don’t be turned off by those questions. You want your kids to ask, and keep asking.

Ages 10 to 12: They may not want to chat but it doesn’t mean they’re not thinking about the tragedy. An opener such as: “What are your friends saying?” may begin the conversation.

Age 13 and over: They may try to minimize the event. Tune in. Most teens can be involved in discussions and stimulating conversations can result. Teachers, coaches, scout masters, camp directors may also be discussing this with your tween or teen so you can spin off: “What have you heard?” Or use a newspaper clipping about the tragedy to begin the chat.. 

5. Limit or monitor troubling news. Horrific images are troubling. If your kids do watch the news, watch with them to answer questions. Do limit media exposure. Don’t assume that your child will not be affected. A survey of middle school children found that one of their biggest fears was  late-breaking news reports without an adult there to interpret it for them. Be there! 

6. Comfort with family activities. In times of stress, kids need to feel embraced by their family to help them safe and feel “We’re in this together.” Find tension-releasing activities to do with your kids: Take walks or bike rides, pray or meditate, listen to soothing music or watch humorous videos. The engage in—or create—comforting family traditions: Attend a religious service, do family hugs, or light a nightly candle to convey your sorrow for victims.

7. Stick to routines. It is soothing to kids to know that life continues even though the news gives a different message.Routines reduce anxiety.and sends message that even during a tragedy parents keep going to work,kids go to school, and the world goes on. 

8. Tune in closer to anxious kids.  If you see anxiety, stress and pessimism, linger, become more pronounced, spill over into other areas of your child’s life and you worry that it may be depression please call for the help of a mental health professional.

9. Be proactive. Channeling  frustrations into positive activism can be healing and may even galvanize positive change like the Parkland High School students. Finding proactive ways to a problem helps kids to realize they can make a difference in a world that might appear scary or unsafe. If your teen is upset, encourage him to write to his congressman or post his concerns. Get a group of kids together and discuss what can be done.

10. Point out heroism and helpers. Draw your child’s attention to stories of heroism and compassion: teachers, police, ambulance drivers, parents, paramedics, doctors–everyone who was at the scene who tried to help. Point out simple gestures of compassion, love and hope that people do for one another. Find stories of compassion in the newspaper and share them.  Many families call those “Good News Reports.”

11. Help your child find proactive ways to cope.  For instance: Pray as a family. Attend a service together. Light candles. Doing pro-active gestures are empowering to kids. Your family ritual will help children adopt a coping skill that they can use to handle tragic events now and later.

It’s important to assure your children that there’s more to the world than violence, hate and fear. There is also compassion, and love, and hope.  Help your child see the world as a hopeful place. And our children deserve hope.

Now go hug your kids!

For more evidence-based ways to help children cope and build resilience, refer to my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (in paperback March 2022). It explains why the old markers of accomplishment (grades, test scores) are no longer reliable predictors of success in the 21st century — and offers 7 teachable strengths that boost children’s potential to thrive and safeguard them in the future.

Dr. Michele Borba. Follow me on twitter  @MicheleBorba

It’s no secret that kids today are more stressed than ever and why we must help ease children’s stress. In a world of ever-increasing uncertainty, our children are feeling anxious in ways that we never experienced when we were young. Pandemics, school shootings, fires, earthquakes and hurricanes are just a few reasons. Research also confirms our kids are stressed…and at far high levels than we may acknowledge.

A recent survey “APA Survey Raises Concern about Parent Perceptions of Children’s Stress” confirmed that parents not only underestimate their children’s stress levels, but also may not fully recognize the impact stress can have on physical and psychological health.

Studies find that eight to ten percent of American kids are seriously troubled by stress and the symptoms associated with it.

In fact, kids are now suffering from stress and as early as the age of three—a shocking reality that is sadly going mostly undetected by parents. And then came the Pandemic.

Hidden Dangers of Untamed Stress

If children and teens don’t learn healthy ways to manage stress, it can have both short-term consequences (bedwetting, short-temperedness, inability to focus, sleep-deprivation and weakened immunity from illness), as well as serious long-term health implications that can increase their likelihood for anxiety and depression.

If left unchecked, stress can affect not only our children’s friendships and school success, but also their physical and emotional well-being. Stress also reduces their abilities to thrive and become their personal best.

A common trait of resilient children is that they have learned protective buffers to help minimize stress build-up. That’s why I named Self-Control as one of the seven essential character strengths of resilient children and peak formers in my book, Thrivers.

We can teach children healthy ways to manage their stress. In fact, doing so may be one of our most important tasks.

Here are a few stress-busting strategies that I shared recently n the TODAY show. Introduce your child to one at a time, and see what resonates best. Then practice it repeatedly until your child can use the tool without you. Weaving practice into daily routines is the optimum way to help kids learn any skill.

7 Simple Ways Help Kids Calm Down and De-Stress

1. Blow your worries away

Teach young children to blow their worries away by pretending to blow up a balloon in their tummy as you slowly count to three and then let it out with an exaggerated “ahhh” sound like they use at the doctors office. Place your child’s hands on his stomach for him to feel his breaths. Too often kids try to take quick, fast breaths from their chest instead of their stomach—it doesn’t work!

Say, “Taking a slow deep breath is an easy way to reduce your stress and let your worries out.”Kids can also practice taking slow, deep breaths using a pinwheel or bubble blower until they get the right “feel.” Young kids like to pretend that the bubbles are their worries blowing away.

2. Melt the tension

Tell your child to make his body feel stiff and straight like a wooden soldier so that every bone from his head to toe is “tense” (or “stressed”). Now tell him to make his body limp (or “relaxed”) like a rag doll or windsock. Once the child realizes he can make himself relax, he can find the spot in his body where he feels the most tension; perhaps his neck, shoulder muscles, or jaw.

He then closes his eyes, concentrates on the stress spot, tensing it up for three or four seconds, and then lets it go.

While doing so, tell your child to imagine the stress slowly melting away from the top of his head and out his toes until he feels relaxed or calmer.

3. Use a positive phrase to stay cool

Teach your child to say a comment inside her head to help her handle stress. She can say comment such as: “Calm down.” “I can do this.” “Stay calm and breathe slowly.” “It’s nothing I can’t handle.” Then repeat the comment until the child can use the phrase without your reminder. Your voice will become your child’s voice.

4. Visualize a calm place

Ask your child to think of an actual place he’s been to where he feels peaceful. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa’s backyard, a tree house. When stress kicks in, tell him to close his eyes, imagine that spot, while breathing slowly.

5. Teach a stress buster formula

A very effective strategy to help kids calm down and reduce stress is called “1 + 3 + 10.” Print the formula on large pieces of paper and hang it up in your child’s bedroom or on the fridge. Then tell the child how to use the formula:

“As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re getting tense, do three things. First, stop and tell yourself: ‘Be calm.’ That’s 1. Second, take three deep slow breaths from your tummy. That’s 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together it’s 1 + 3 + 10 and doing it helps you stay cool.”

Consider making a reminder of the formula using marking pens and construction paper with your child. Then hang it on the refrigeration as a visual reference for family members. “Looks like you need a 1 + 3 + 10!” Soon they’ll be using the coping skill without you!

6. Make a stress box

There is no right or wrong way to reduce stress, the key is to offer kids options so they can find what works best for them. And once they find their unique “stress buster” they must practice it over and over until they can use it on their own. A stress box is one way to help kids learn coping strategies.

Families can create their own “Stress Box” by filing a shoebox or basket with stress reducers. A few ideas: a notepad and pencil “to draw or write your stress away”; a small Koosh ball, Play Doh or clay to work their stress out, an MP3 or CD player and relaxation sounds to listen to with earphones. Books, glitter jars, and stuff animals are other options.

Add a new stress reducer to the box after modeling it with your child. Then encourage family members to go to the container and find their stress buster when the need arises.

Some educators set up Calm Down Corners in their classrooms that are equipped with stress reducers (books, Koosh balls, drawing materials) that students can use to help them relax. You can do the same in your home. Ask your children what would help them calm down. Gather things (beanbag chairs, pillows, music, iPods, bubble blowers) and stock them. The Calm Down Corner is not used for discipline but to give children a feeling of agency that they can go to and relax. Think of it as a “time in” corner!

7. Learn relaxation and breath control with yoga

Adolescents say a great tip that helps reduce their stress is learning yoga. In fact, many high schools are now offering yoga classes as an alternative for physical education. Purchase a yoga DVD that you can do at home together. Even better: invite another mom and daughter to join you and make yoga a weekly routine.

It takes lots of hard work to be a kid these days. Don’t let the stress that sometimes comes along with that hard work impede on the happy childhood that is your child’s right to have. Work with your child on ways to manage the stress that comes with growing up. In end, you’ll have a kid who is ready to deal with whatever pressures that they face with a healthy outlook. And who knows, you may learn a thing or two about blowing off some steam in the process!

Dr. Michele Borba

I’m excited to announce the release of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2! For forty years, I’ve wondered why some kids have a strong, We got this! attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born.The book is packed with evidence-grounded strategies we can use to raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in an uncertain world. I hope you like it!

Check out Chapter Three (Self-Control) for over 30 other ideas to help kids learn coping strategies.

For  more about my work see my website, Michele Borba or follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

Parenting tips to help kids be more optimistic especially in uncertain, anxious times. 

“I’m not studying. The whole world is falling apart.”  

“Why should I wear a mask? I’m just going to get that virus thing.”

“I don’t want to go back to school. Nobody’s going to like me.” 

Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won’t make a difference, and assume they won’t succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the good, wonderful things of life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts of life, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves. And beware: a pessimistic trend amongst today’s youth is increasing. A child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century. Uncertainty only increases pessimistic attitudes. 

So what’s a parent to do?

First, do know I empathize. It’s heartbreaking to hear children talk about the bad, pessimistic parts of life.  One of the hardest parts of being a parent is when your child isn’t happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. That means parenting can be influential in curbing negativity and cynicism and boosting positivity and optimism.

In all fairness, the news our kids are seeing lately is flooded with “doom and gloom” stories: the pandemic, graphs showing daily death tolls, shootings, riots and the horrific live feed of George Floyd’s death. But there is also goodness: People uniting to march together for justice. First responders jeopardizing their own lives. Teachers giving every ounce of themselves to try to reach children. Kids leaving inspiring messages with sidewalk chalk for others. Let’s show our children the upside of the world and teach proven strategies to reduce pessimism, and scientific research reveals why we must.

Proven Scientific Benefits of Boosting Optimism

REALITY CHECK: Research shows that a large part of an optimistic attitude is learned along the way, and that parents can help their kids become more optimistic, so take heart. What’s more a growing numbers of studies confirmed powerful benefits for nurturing positive attitudes in our kids. Optimistic thinking could curb kid depression as well as less heavy drug abuse and bad behavior.

Studies at Penn State University by Martin Seligman find that boosting optimism may increase the likelihood of your son or daughter’s long-term happiness and school success, as well as emotional and physical health.The research also shows that children with optimistic outlooks are less likely to be depressed and as well as suffer from anxiety disorders, and more likely to be able to bounce back with that resilient spirit when the going gets tough.

Research at Australia’s Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne finds optimistic teens may be somewhat less likely to be depressed than their peers.

Why Optimism is a Superpower

Optimistic kids view challenges and obstacles as temporary and able to be overcome, and so they are more likely to success. But there is a dramatically opposing view: pessimism. Children who are pessimistic see challenges as permanent, like cement blocks that are impossible to move, and so they are more likely to quit.

Psychologists used to believe that attitudinal change isn’t possible, which is why the research of psychiatrist Aaron Beck at the University of Pennsylvania over the past several decades was so significant. Beck completely revolutionized our perspective on optimism and the ability each of us has to shift our mind-sets. Beck believed that how we thinking (cognition), feel (emotion), and act (behavior) interact. In short, out thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior, not the other way around. So, if we change naive, inaccurate thoughts, we can alter our feelings and behaviors and thereby improve our odds of handling whatever comes our way. In short, optimism can be a superpower for our children.

Danger If Pessimism Is Left Unchecked

If left unchecked, pessimism can spiral into cynicism, helplessness, and depression, plant seeds of underachievement, and influence every arena in our children’s lives and reduce their chances to thrive. Their dismal views are a stark difference from optimistic kids, who are far more likely to think about bad events in terms like “sometimes,” “yet.” and “almost.”

It’s no coincidence that optimistic are also less depressed, more successful at school, more resilient, and better able to bounce back from adversity, and even physically than pessimistic kids. But benefits continue this strength also unleashes children’s academic potential, character, and positive mental health. And the need for optimism has never been more crucial than today as we raise our kids in an anxious, uncertain world. 

It’s all the reasons why I chose Optimism as the 7th Essential Character Strength of Thrivers. So, roll up your sleeves, and let’s get started on a serious parenting venture: Helping our children develop more positive outlooks about their world. Here are seven solutions to turn your child’s negative attitude into more a positive outlook and make a lasting difference on his or her life. You will find more evidence-based strategies to increase your children’s optimism and reduce pessimistic thinking in Chapter 7 of my book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. 

1. Curb That Negativity, Pronto!

Start by doing what you can do to reduce negativity. Listen to the negative messages your child may be receiving. 

Tune into the news sources, television, video games, music lyrics or movies. On the whole are they more upbeat or down? Cut those sources that might be exacerbating your kid’s pessimism. Possibilities? Here are a few:

Turn off the scary news (or at least limit it!)

Stop talking about the bad stuff on the front page.

Listen to your own negative talk and curb it.

Where once those tragic and terrifying world events seemed so far, far away or only printed words in the newspaper, they are now 24/7 on our TVs and Internet screens. So be more vigilant and turn off what you can control.

Enough!

Studies show that young children can not discriminate between “real” “make believe” or a “repeat broadcast.” For instance, when news shows repeated the images of planes hitting the World Trade Center, young children assumed those were new attacks.

Middle school children said that “late breaking news without an adult there to help them make sense of the news” was upping their fears. The news does affect our children’s attitudes.

Watch out! Pessimism can breed.

2. Share “Good News”

Consciously stress a more optimistic outlook in your home so your child sees the good parts of life instead of just the downside. You might have each family member report something good that happened that day to him or her at the dinner table.

Look for examples to share with your kids in their own world. Most of those good stories are on the back pages of the news paper. I’ve discovered wonderful stories about kids in Reader’s Digest, People, Guideposts, or Parade. The website, Kid Are Heroes — kids who are making a difference — is also glorious! 

The Good News is out there! We just have to dig a bit harder to find it and then share it with our children:

“Did you hear about the teens who are Skyping with the folks in the assisted living so they can learn how to Zoom with their grandkids?”

“Did you read about the Boy Scout troop that is sending care packages to all the first responders? Look at the pictures of the nurses opening up those packages!”

“Wow, come listen to this news report: Two sisters in Philadelphia are broadcasting Good News reports in their basement because they’re so tired of hearing bad news!” 

3. Institute Goodness Reviews

Each night start a new ritual with your child of reviewing all the good parts about her day. Some parents cut out good news stories and paste them on index cards placed in a basket. Then families review one good news story during dinner. Or review the good news about the day right before your child goes to sleep. She’ll not sleep better, but also remember the positives about life.

If you review those goodness issues often enough, it will become a routine that your child will do on her own.

4. Confront Pessimistic Thinking

Don’t let your child get trapped into “Stinkin’ Thinkin.’ Help him tune into his pessimistic thoughts and learn to confront them.The danger is that doing so can make pessimistic thinking pervasive as well as permanent robbing kids of hope. 

Point out cynicism. Create a code–such as pulling on your ear or touching your elbow–that only you and your kid are aware. The code means he’s uttered a cynical comment.

Tune in. Encourage your kid to listen to his own comments. Suggest an older kid wear a watch or bracelet to remind her to tune into how often she is pessimistic. Each time she sees the watch it helps her remember to be more positive and less negative.

Count negative thoughts. Help your kid count pessimistic comments for a set time period: “Listen for the next five minutes (or other brief time) to track how many times you say downbeat things out loud or inside your head.” A young kid can count on his fingers. An older kid can use coins moving one from his left to right pocket per statement or make tally marks on a piece of paper.

Replace negativity with positive word choices. “That was your pessimistic voice. What word can you use instead?” Possibilities

• Almost: “I always flunk.” Change to: “I almost have it right.”
• Yet: “I’ll never learn.” Change to: “I’m not there yet.”
• Closer: “It’s hopeless.” Change to: “I’m getting closer.”
• Next time:“I’m so stupid.” Change to: “Next time I’ll study more.”
• Try:“I won’t make it.” Change to: “I’ll try it.” 

5. Balance Pessimistic Talk

One way to thwart a kid’s pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it to help counter pessimistic talk.

Here are a few possibilities:

Your child won’t go to her friend’s birthday thinking no one likes her. So offer a more balanced view: “If Sunny didn’t like you, you’d never have been invited.”

Your kid blows her math test exclaiming that she’s “stupid.” You say: “Nobody can be good at everything. You’re good in history and art. Meanwhile, let’s figure out how to improve your math.”

6. Be the Example of Optimism

Use yourself as an example. Do feel free to fictionalize, just as long as your child gets the point.

“I remember when I was your age. Right before I’d take a test a voice inside me would say, ‘You’re not going to do well.’ I learned to talk back to that voice. I’d tell it: ‘I’m going to try my best. If I try my best, I’ll do okay.’

Pretty soon the voice faded away because I refused to listen to it. When you hear that voice, talk to it and say it’s wrong.”

Or develop an upbeat family mantra like: “We got this.” “We’re strong.” “We can do this.” Better yet, brainstorm possible mantras as a family and choose one that works best for you. And then start saying it over and over and over until you hear your children repeat the phrase. That means that your voice has become their inner voice. Power! 

7. Acknowledge Positive Attitudes

Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you’re not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when your child is trying a new approach. And when she is optimistic, acknowledge it!

“Kara, I know how difficult distance learning has been. But saying “I think I’ll do better” was being so optimistic. I’m sure you’ll do better because you’ve been studying so hard.”

Changing negative, pessimistic attitudes is not an easy task, but it is doable. Hang in there and you should see gradual change that switch could well make a major difference on your children both now and for the rest of their lives. Ah, the power of positive parenting!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 24 books. My blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check offers ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news about child development.  You can also find dozens of research-based and practical tips to raise strong kids from the inside out in my latest book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. Refer to Chapter 7 for specific ways to boost Optimism. Additional tips are also offered in UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. 

Research: George C. Patton, M.D., professor, adolescent health research, Centre for Adolescent Health, Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne, Australia; Hilary Tindle, M.D., M.P.H., researcher, Center for Research on Health Care, division of general internal medicine, University of Pittsburgh; February 2011, Pediatrics, online, Jan. 10, 2011

Sound like your kid?

“I quit – this is too hard.”  “Why don’t YOU do it?”

Is his backpack a disaster, homework always a battle and everything seems to be put off until the last nano-second (“I’ll do it… just give me a minute!”)?

Do you feel like your kid’s personal palm pilot (“TODAY is the spelling test!”) and Big Ben (“the bus is coming in minute!”)

Does his teacher tell you: “I just know he could do better if he’d just apply himself”?

If so chances are you have a little slacker in your home, and can they be frustrating. They dawdle, put things off until the last minute, are unorganized, have poor time management skills and cut corners.

5 Big Disadvantages of Taking the Easy Way Out

Though slackers usually have fewer ulcers and are a bit more laid back, there are clear disadvantages for kids who adopt “taking the easy way is the best way” as a life attitude.

~ Relationship and reputation downer: Siblings, friends, teammates and parents get tired of always having to be this kid’s reminder.

~ Achievement derailer: Test scores and grades are usually lower because he waits to study or turn tasks in without the effort needed.

~ Success curtailer: Because the child doesn’t practice or work as long as needed to experience real success he’s shortchanged.

~ Character robber: The child adapts an attitude of cutting corners and not giving his all and so he is robbed of learning the crucial Character Strength of perseverance that is highly correlated to boosting children’s potential to thrive.

The good news is that there are ways to help kids get more organized and motivated so they are more likely to succeed in school and in life. Here are steps for a successful “Slacker Makeover.” Your first step is to make sure your expectations are in line.

 4 Parenting Questions to Curb Slacking

Sure, some kids just want to cut corners, but there may be other reasons for the behavior. Here are common causes of kid slacking that shouldn’t be overlooked.

1. Are expectations for your child appropriate? Could he be cutting corners because that violin class is over his head? Or that math class is way too easy? Meet with adult in charge to ensure expectations are realistic. If not, alter classes and your expectations to align with your child’s actual capabilities. Expectations that boost motivation should stretch but not snap a child’s abilities. Too high of expectations cause anxiety; too low cause boredom. Aim for the Goldilocks Model: Not too hard, not too easy, but just right. 

2. Does your child have trouble focusing or have a problem learning that is causing him undue frustration? Discuss achievement scores and class performance with his teacher; ask for evaluation or arrange extra tutoring if needed.

3. Could your child be mimicking another family member or your slacking ways? Tune up your behavior so you model the joy of work and ensure your child has examples of those who give “their all” instead of cutting corners.

4. Is there too much going on so your child doesn’t have time or stamina to work hard? Make time in your child’s schedule so he can focus and work harder.

Solutions to the Top 5 Kid Slacker Excuses

Dawdling and cutting corners is usually not a phase that goes away, but becomes an even more entrenched, harder to fix habit. Here are the top slacker excuses. Identify those that apply to your child and the slacker-curbing strategy. Every strategy takes consistency and commitment, so don’t procrastinate or give up!

Slacker Excuse 1: “I can’t find my homework!”

Slacker kids are often disorganized, so they take up more time trying to locate everything that could be used studying. Homework assignments are commonly misplaced or not turned in. Solutions:

Use concrete organizers to remedy! Put a hook or box by the front door with two heavy-duty folders on the wall. Label one “To do” and the other “Done.” Teach the child to open the backpack the second she comes home, take out her homework assignments and put into “To do” folder, then hang backpack on the hook or in box.

Put away ASAP! When homework is done it goes into the backpack “Done” folder (for you to check-slackers often don’t do their “best” work – so check effort). The child then grabs “done work” and puts it into his backpack.

The practice must become a routine (practice, practice, practice) until you no longer need to be your child’s reminder.

Slacker Excuse 2: “I forgot!” “You didn’t tell me.”

Poor organizational skills are common with procrastinators who haven’t formed a habit of writing things down. so they take extra time to find out what they were supposed to do, forget sports gear, or rely on others to remind them. Your role is to be a cheerleader but not your child’s manager. Once your child learns an organization skill, step back. Your motto: “Never do for your child what the child can do for himself.”

Hang a white board with days of week in a central location (and make sure your kid helps you hang to hang it).. Teach your child to write or draw reoccurring assignments on appropriate day (Mon: soccer; Tues: spelling test; adding new tasks (field trip on Thurs) as needed. Refer child to organizer daily “What do you need to do?” until your child gets in the habit.

Use a date book or organizer. Older kids can transfer tasks into small date book with a page for each school day and store in the backpack and use alarm feature on cell phone or computer as chime reminder. Once you teach the skill, your child should be the one to input the data.

Slacker Excuse 3: “I don’t know what to do first!”

Procrastinators often put off because they are overwhelmed with a project or “so many” assignments they don’t know how to get started. Teaching them how to prioritize tasks  can get them started and stop postponing. Try these solutions:

Prioritize tasks: Help your child to break down a big project, report or nightly assignment into smaller tasks. Ask “What are things you need to do?” Then the child write or draw each task on Post-it notes, and then stacks them in order from the first to last thing to do As each task is completed, child rips up each Post-it until all completed. She can later learn to make checklists and cross off, but the long list can seem daunting to a procrastinator.

Set work rules! Kids who always put things off need clear work standards because they lack internal self-motivation. So establish “first things first” house rules and then reinforce consistently.“Work first, then play.” “Homework then TV.”  

Eliminate distractions. Help your child identify things that are likely to distract from helping him get busy like his phone, nearby television left on, or some toy. Put them out of sight until the task is completed.

Slacker Excuse 4: “It’s too hard!”

Some kids are overwhelmed with tasks because it seems they will never be able to complete them. Slackers often have difficulty sticking to a task and so they just give up or put it off. Try these ideas to help them feel they have agency and that the task is doable:

“Chunk” the task into more manageable pieces. Show your younger how to chunk her homework into smaller pieces and tell him to do “one chunk at a time.” Increase the size of each chunk after your child has completed a few assignments successfully. Gradually, the child will learn to chunk any task into smaller more manageable parts.

If your child still seems overwhelmed, then teach her to cover the homework page with another piece of paper. The child lowers the page down to reveal the next row as the previous section is completed.

Teach an older child to list tasks on post-it notes, put them in order and throw each away as completed. 

“Do the hardest thing first.” The child will have more energy because it’s the first task, and once it’s done he can start on easier tasks.

Stress effort. Procrastinators start relying on those rewards so wean your kid from them. Instead, start reinforcing your kid’s productivity, initiative, and effort. Using the right praise that stretches effort and hard work actually stretches persistence. 

Don’t rescue! Slackers often expect rescue, and so they don’t give their all knowing that someone (aka “you”) will bail them out. If you really want your child to learn how to be a self-starter and not slack off, then stop being her personal assistant. “You do the first row alone, and then I’ll check.” or “You finish the page, and then I’ll check.” Change your role from “doer” to “guider” and start weaning “ I’ll to watch you do the first row, you do the second solo.”

Slacker Excuse 5: “I worked long enough!”

Slackers often cut corners or don’t hang into a task long enough often due to poor internal sense of time. So they think they worked longer than they did. Solutions:

Use timing devices. Agree on set work time and post to minimize excuses“ Read 30 minutes each night.” Then provide a timing device to help child become own timekeeper: sand-timer, oven timer; Older child: a stopwatch, cell phone alarm. You’ll nag less and the timer will remind the child how much he needs to work.

Play “beat the clock.” If you need your dawdler to do something in a hurry, turn your directions into a time game. Challenge your child:“Let’s see how quickly you can finish that paper. Set the clock and Go!” Slowly reverse the role: “Did you challenge yourself to see how many problems you can finish in 30 minutes?”

Changing a slacker’s ways will take commitment so stick with it. Your goal is to gradually wean him from his old ways of putting things off and cutting corners. And those are the crucial steps that will instill confidence and help children learn perseverance – two of the seven crucial Character Strengths that are proven to help children become Thrivers!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I’m excited to announce the release of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2! For forty years, I’ve wondered why some kids have a strong, We got this! attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born.The book is packed with evidence-grounded strategies we can use to raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in an uncertain world. I hope you like it!

For more science-backed ways to help children thrive, follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba, on my website MicheleBorba. 

The gateway to learning to empathize, accepting differences and understanding another’s perspective is an emotion vocabulary. But when children can identify, name and understand different emotions, it’s time to help children practice understanding other’s feelings and thoughts. Doing so is a critical step towards  helping children understand and accept differences and to learn the crucial cognitive component of empathy, perspective taking. 

Young children are by nature egocentric and must first see the world from their own point of view. Teens can also revert back to that “Me First” mentality. Thinking and feeling as though the world revolves around you makes it difficult to see someone else’s point of view. That’s why Daniel Goleman reminds us: “Self-absorption kills empathy.” But empathy can be cultivated; children can learn perspective taking skills.

Repeated experiences of listening to the views of others is one way to help children develop empathy and appreciate differences.

The key is to emphasize again and again: “You don’t have to agree with the person’s view. Your goal is to try to understand what the person is feeling or thinking. Listen deeply. Keep an open mind.”

And that takes a lot of time and a lot of practice. Here are three ways to help children understand and accept differences.

1. Ask Questions and Have Open-Ended Discussions 

Face to face conversations and deeper discussions in which kids hear other views are crucial to developing perspective taking and empathy. Digital natives who prefer texting, tapping and tweeting over talking will be handicapped. So take time during those family dinners, car pools, class meetings or just one-on-one conversations to help kids recognize that people may share similar feelings, but hold different views. And that’s okay.

The trick is for each student, sibling, friend or family member to express their opinion calmly, and then listen  to the other person without judgment. It’s how children begin to recognize it’s okay to feel and think differently and accept those differences.

Here are a few easy questions to get you started. Then slowly take your questions up to more stirring and controversial queries.

First level questions for younger kids to grasp it’s okay to have different views

• How do you feel when the teacher calls on you? Do you feel the same in every class? Why?

• How do you feel about playing or watching soccer (tennis, skiing, baseball, basketball)?

• How do you feel about reading (math, science, history, geography)?

• How do you feel when it rains all day?

• How do you feel when you’re in the dark?

Higher level questions and more controversial topics for teens

• Should schools ban students from bringing cell phones on campus?

• Do teachers assign too much homework? Do you think homework is relevant? How can homework be made more relevant?

• Should schools start classes later?

• Should stores sell violent video games to minors?

• Does technology get in the way of learning?

• How can people learn to get along?

2. Hold Debates

Debating is a great way to help kids learn perspective taking as well as find their voice. So why not start family or class debates? Topics could range from class issues such as your rules and homework policies and family issues such as allowances and curfews to real-world issues such as the welfare system, voting age or current headlines. Whatever the topic, encourage your kids to speak out so they’ll be more comfortable defending their beliefs in public. Debating also helps kids define who they are and strengthens their Caring Mindsets and Moral Identities.

3. Use Literature  to Help Kids Think “We,” Not “Me” 

Books are one of the best vehicles to help children journey into other worlds. The following selections are wonderful catalysts to any discussion regarding “different points of view.” Read the book aloud or have children read solo style. Then ask them to use the formula above with the two different characters.

(Name) feels ___________and (name) feels__________________.

For younger children add: I guess everyone has a different views. That’s what makes me…, and you…you!”

For younger children:

The Pain and the Great One by Judy Blume. This picture book is written from two perspectives and in two parts. The older sister (“The Great One”) thinks her younger brother is a bothersome pain who gets way too much parental attention. The younger brother (“The Pain”), from his perspective thinks his sister gets too much love just because she’s older. I’ve used this one countless times with kids and always creates stimulating discussions as well as a fabulous writing prompt.

The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka. The wolf gives his own outlandish version of what really happened when he tangled with the three little pigs. Fun! Extend the conversations to other classics and discuss the perspective of characters like Jack and the Beanstalk, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast.

The Bedspread by Sylvia Fair. Two elderly sisters embroider the home of their childhood at both ends of a white bedspread. Each depicts the home as she remembers it with surprising results. The book’s message is that everyone has a different viewpoint and there may be no one correct view. And that is a crucial message for kids to understand.

Bea and Mr. Jones by Amy Schwartz. Tired of kindergarten, Bea Jones trades “jobs” with her father who works in an office. Just a great conversation starter .. whether it’s switching roles with the principal, teachers, dad, mom, brother, sister … to help kids see things from another side.

Through Grandpa’s Eyes by Patricia MacLachlan. A young boy learns a different way of seeing the world from his blind grandfather. Touching!

For older kids and teens

Encounter by Jane Yolen. A Taino Indian Boy on the island of San Salvador recounts the landing of Columbus and his men in 1492. While most stories about the first encounter are from Columbus’ point of view, Yolen thought it would be interesting for readers to hear a Taino boy speak. And interesting it is.

Paperboy by Vince Vaxter. Award-winning coming-of age book teaches empathy and courage. 

The Boy on the Wooden Box by Leon Leyson. A moving memoir of a Holocaust survivor on Schindler’s List. Powerful! “Can you imagine living through those times? Why do you think he didn’t want anyone to know? What would you have done?” There is also a movie version.

Dear Bully: 70 Authors Tell Their Stories. Kids, teens and authors share personal bullying experiences. “Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? What could you do to help?”

Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. Emotionally-charged book brings depression to life. “How would you feel if you had to live through those times?”

Follow me as I share ways we can cultivate our children’s empathy, help them learn perspective taking and appreciate differences,  and switch their attitudes from WE, not ME.

It’s time for a national conversation about why empathy and character matter! I hope you join me!

Dr. Michele  Borba

I’m excited to announce that my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine will be released on March 2021. It explains why the old markers of accomplishment (grades, test scores) are no longer reliable predictors of success in the 21st century — and offers 7 teachable character strengths that boost resilience and will safeguard our kids for the future

Also check out: UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. You’ll find dozens (over 300) simple, proven ways to cultivate empathy in children as well as help them learn the nine essential habits that nurture empathy. The book is now in hardback as well as paperback and Kindle. 

Follow me on Twitter @MicheleBorba or on my website MicheleBorba.com for over 500 blogs on character, empathy building and raising resilient children as well as how to contact me for speaking.

Numerous studies from prestigious organizations and researchers confirm a steady decline in children’s moral character. Sixty-two percent of the more than 2,600 participants in a NBC News State of Kindness Poll believe that kids are less kind today than they were in the past. Sixty percent of adults and believe that young people’s failure to learn moral values is a serious national problem. Seventy two percent of Americans say moral values are “getting worse.” Teens are now 40 percent lower in empathy levels than three decades ago, and in the same period, narcissism has increased 58 percent.

Home is always the best school for teaching character, but in today’s sometimes racy, raunchy world we need to be far more intentional in our efforts to build our children’s character. Here are 10 parenting tips from my book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing to help us raise children who do know right from wrong, internalize good values and act right without adult guidance. I’ve also included ten parenting questions to help you gauge how often you are applying proven practices that increase your children’s moral development.

1. Commit to Raising A Moral Child

“How important is it for you to raise a moral child?” It’s a crucial question to ask because research finds that parents who feel strongly that their kids turn out as good people usually succeed. And it’s all because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raising one.

PARENTING QN #1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it that your child become a person of strong, moral character?

2. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them

Before you can raise a moral child, you must also be clear about what believe in. Take time to think through your values, and then share them regularly by explaining why you feel the way you do. Over 400 virtues have been identified. Choose a few that matter most to you and your parenting partner and commit to regular use.

PARENTING QN #2: Pretend it’s 30 years from now and your children are grown. You’re now looking at your adult children. Which character traits do you hope they internalized from their childhoods?

Here are  a few crucial character traits from Building Moral Intelligence  that help children develop moral intelligence. Reflect on them. Which traits do you think your children will need to  become good people?

altruism, assertiveness, calmness, caring, charitableness, chastity, citizenship, compatibility, compassion, consideration, cooperation, courage, courtesy, dependability, determination, discipline, empathy, excellence, fairness, faithfulness, fidelity, flexibility, forgivingness, friendliness, frugality, generosity, gentleness, genuineness, graciousness, gratitude, grit, helpfulness, honesty, honor, humility, idealism, industriousness, initiative, insightfulness, integrity, joyfulness, justness, kindness, love, loyalty, mercy, modesty, moderation, obedience, optimism, patience, peacefulness, perseverance, politeness, prudence, purposefulness, reliability, respect, responsibility, resourcefulness reverence, self-control, self-discipline, sensitivity, serenity, simplicity, sincerity, steadfastness, tactfulness, temperance, tenacity, thankfulness, tolerance, trustworthiness, truthfulness

3. Be a Strong Moral Example

Parents are their children’s first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see.

PARENTING QN #3: Each day ask yourself: “If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he catch?” The answer is often quite telling.

4. Use Teachable Moments

The best teaching moments aren’t ones that are planned—they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they materialize. Take advantage of those opportunities because they help your children develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide their behavior the rest of their lives. After all, your children will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it’s essential that they hear about your moral standards. TV shows, movies, newspapers, and literature are filled with moral issues as well as daily moments. You can use them to discuss your beliefs with your children but only if you recognize your values.

PARENTING QN #4: What are teachable moments I could use today to help my children understand and adopt strong moral beliefs? 

5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson

Nancy Eisenberg, author of The Caring Child,says that one of the best character-building practices is to point out the impact of the child’s behavior on the other person (“See, you made her cry”) or highlight the victim’s feelings (“Now he feels bad”). Doing so enhances a child’s moral growth as well as his prosocial behaviors and can be effective even with very young children.

Try play-acting with very young kids how stealing might feel, using one of your child’s favorite toys. After “stealing” the toy, ask your child, “How would you feel if somebody really stole that toy from you? Would it be fair? Why not?”

With an older child, you could ask, “Would you want somebody to steal from you?” or “Pretend you are your friend, and you just found out somebody took his toy. How would you feel? Why? What would you want to say to the person who took the toy?”

Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right the next time. Using the right kind of questions help kids expand their ability to take another person’s perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help each child reflect: “Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?” That way your children learn from their mistakes and grow morally.

PARENTING QN #5: Remember our ultimate goal is to wean our children from our guidance so they act right on their own. Are your typical discipline practices ones that help your children learn more their mistakes so they grow morally?

6. Expect Moral Behavior

Studies are clear: Kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your children conduct and also lets them know in no uncertain terms what you value. So post your moral standards, discuss them, and then consistently reinforce them until they become your children’s rules, too.

PARENTING QN #6: Take a moment to ask your children, “Which values do we stand for in our family?”  “What matters most to us in our home?”

Hint: If your kids don’t immediately recite those values it may mean that you’re not modeling, discussing or reinforcing them nearly enough. Tune up the values that matter most to you!

7. Reflect on the Behaviors’ Effects

Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child’s behavior on the other person. Steadily using the question in the right context can enhance a child’s moral growth: (“See, you made her cry”) or highlight the victim’s feeling (“Now he feels bad”). The trick is to help to help your child imagine what it would be like to be in the victim’s place, so she will be more sensitive to how her behavior impacts others.

PARENTING QN #7. How are you helping your child reflect on his or her behavior on others?

8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors

One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen–in context! So purposely catch your children acting morally and acknowledge their good behavior by describing what they did right and why you appreciate it.

PARENTING QN #8. When is the last time you praised each of your children for demonstrating good character? Are you striking a balance so that your children recognize that you want them to succeed academically but also to become good human beings?

9. Prioritize Moral Values and Good Character Daily

Kids don’t learn how to be good from reading about character in textbooks, but from witnessing or doing good deeds. Encourage your children to lend a hand to make a difference in their world. And help them recognize the positive effect their gesture had on the recipients. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of their chosen virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors with our guidance.

PARENTING QN #9. What simple way today can you help your children understand the importance of character? What types of service or charitable opportunities can you provide for your children?

10. Incorporate the Golden Rule

Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries, “Treat others as you want to be treated.” Remind your children to ask themselves before acting: “Would I want someone to treat me like that?” Or: “How does would she  feel?” Empathy is a known moral activator and the right empathy-building questions help children think about their behavior and the consequences action have on others. [Refer also to the chapters on Integrity and Empathy in THRIVERS: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine for dozens of empathy and conscience-building strategies.]

PARENTING QN #10. How can you make the Golden Rule or other character-building mantra become your family’s over-arching moral principle that your children adopt?

What one strategy will you use to help your children become good human beings?

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 24 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. and UNSELFIE: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. You can also refer to my  blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news and research about child development.

I’m excited to announce the publication of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2. For forty years I’ve wondered why some kids have a strong, “We’ve got this!” attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born. And they’ve learned seven Character Strengths that help them thrive. Integrity and Empathy are two of those strengths. The book  is packed we science-backed ways we raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in an uncertain world. I hope you like it!

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

Capitol insurrection. bombings,  terrorist alerts, hurricanes, school shootings, and Pandemics have boosted all our jitters lately, but don’t forget our children. I’ve received dozens of parent emails and media calls these past few days asking for advice on how to help calm kids.

“My Little Miss Sunshine has suddenly become  a clinger.”

“My son has become so moody and  irritable. He says nothings wrong, but he’s not the same kid.”

“My kids are having horrible nightmares.”

“My child always loved school but is so scared to go back.”

And each parent then asks me, “What can I do to help my child?”

Teaching children social-emotional skills is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Few skills increase children’s confidence, social competence, empathy, resilience, and self-esteem more because kids need them in every area of their lives. So what’s the problem? It’s this: today’s teens would rather text than talk. Girls spend (on average) more time on social networking than boys and send more texts – about 100 a day. And then came a Pandemic and Social Distancing where opportunities to learn emotional literacy face to face diminished.

Prior to COVID-19, a survey by Common Sense Media found that the average time per day that American teens were plugged into some kind of digital device was at least 7 hours a day-and that did not include homework. And then came a distance learning when children’s screen time soared alarming both parents and researchers. Over all, children’s screen time had doubted by May 2020 as compared with the same period in the year prior. The fact is, you don’t learn social-emotional skills and emotional literacy with emojis.

The Value of Social-Emotion Connection

Research by Princeton’s Clifford Nass, found that the single predictor of healthy emotional interactions is lots of face to face communication. Kids who spend more time interacting via a screen than in person do not get sufficient practice in observing and experiencing true emotions and developing crucial offline skills of social and emotional intelligence. What’s more, face to face communication is the best way to help our children develop empathy. Without those skills our kids are less equipped to successfully navigate their social world. Do make sure you are striking the balance of unplugged vs. plugged in times in your home. Ensure that you have sacred, unplugged family times so you can all enjoy one another in REAL time!

We also know that many kids have difficulty reading emotions. Duke and UCLA are just two of the many universities researching ways to help children diagnosed with communication handicaps.

The good news is that you can improve your child’s communication skills and boost his or her emotional intelligence – regardless whether it’s a normal times or in a Pandemic. Here are 12 simple ways to tune up our kids’ social emotional intelligence so they learn to communicate face to face and reap the joy of real (not virtual) relationships.

1. Listen more attentively

Attentive listening keeps the lines of communication open so that your children always feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings and experiences with you. You discourage your kids from expression themselves when you cut them off, deny their feelings, lecture, order them, roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, raise your eyebrows, frown, turn away, or shake your head. (Woah, eh? Not to send you a guilt trip but… do tune into your communication skills a bit closer, and beware of how influential you are). The best way for children to learn listening and emotional intelligence is by showing them the skill.

2. Help your children send and receive nonverbal messages

Sending and receiving nonverbal messages through body language enhances your child’s social and emotional competence. Often kids don’t listen to your words as much as they watch your posture, gestures, and facial expression, and hear the tone of your voice. Help children understand that their body posture, facial expression, and voice tone send messages and that if they don’t interpret or send nonverbal messages correctly, serious misunderstandings occur.

3. Be “feeling detectives”

Help your child associate facial expressions and body language with certain emotions by watching other people’s faces and body language at the shopping mall, grocery store, park, playground or on screen. Then try together to guess their emotional state without hearing the conversation: “How does her body look now? How do you think she feels?” “Listen to the boy’s voice. How do you think he feels?” “Look how that girl has her fists so tight. See the scowl on her face? What do you think she’s saying to the other girl?”

4. Use more emotion words

Talk about emotions and give your child permission to show and convey their feelings. One hint: boys are more likely to open up while doing something, so sit down with your son and play a game, build Legos, exercises and talk back and forth about feelings.

5. Read books about feelings

Find a book about feelings and as you read with your child pair the character’s face with the appropriate emotion. Suppose you’re reading Llama Llama Red Pajama, and you come to where Baby Llama’s expression depicts his fear thatMama Llama’s not there. It’s a perfect spot to tune in to feeling. Ask: “How does Baby Llama’s face look? Why is he afraid? Make your face look afraid like Baby Llama’s. Have you ever been afraid like that?” My other book favorites are: Glad Monster, Sad Monster: A Book About feelings, by Ed Emberly and Anne Miranda; Feelings, by Aliki; I’m Mad, by Elizabeth Crary; The Way I Feel, by Janan Crain; and My Many Colored Days, by Dr. Seuss.

6. Teach two critical skills: eye contact and smiling

Using the skills of eye contact and smiling increases children’s social success. As you talk with your child, use eye contact. Whenever your child displays a great smile, point it out! By reinforcing these skills and modeling them regularly, your child will soon be smiling more and using eye contact. Hint: Eye contact (or looking at the person) and smiles) are the two skills that are also the most commonly used traits of well-liked kids. They are also easy skills to teach and reinforce. Point them out in others! 

7. Make an emotion scrapbook

Collect pictures of facial expression in a scrapbook. Include the six basic emotions: happy, sad, angry, surprised, afraid, and disgusted. Now make a game of naming the emotions by asking, “How is this person feeling?” Help your child predict the body language and voice tone that would accompany each expression.

8. Guess people’s emotions

With your child, watch other people’s faces and body language at the playgound, park, or shopping mall. Try together to guess their emotional states.

The best way to teach social skills is by SHOWING a child what each skill looks like in real context. So SHOW the skill, don’t just TELL your child about it. Do also help your child understand the value or benefit of learning the skill. (“It will help you get a job.” “It helps you make more friends.” “Teachers like it when you look at them as you talk.” “People like to be around others who make them feel valued.”)

9. Watch silent movies

Turn off the sound on your TV and watch a show together. Guess how the actors feel based on what you see. Don’t assume that your child is picking up the subtle clues of body language. Point them out. Role play them together.

Tension behaviors to watch for include blinking eyes rapidly, biting nails, twirling hair, clenching jaws, and grinding teeth. Withdrawal behavior include folded arms, crossed legs, rolling eyes, and not facing the speaker. Expressions of interest include nodding, smiling, leaning into the speaker and standing or sitting close to the person.

10. Play emotion charades

A fun game is to have family members play charades using only their face and body. Try to guess the person’s emotion. 

11. Observe good listening behaviors

Be on the alert for people demonstrating good listening habits; point them out to your child. The better your child understands what good nonverbal listening behaviors look like, the greater the chance he will use them on his own.

Learning these skills takes practice. At home, provide opportunities for your child to practice a wide range of communication skills, enabling her to get her point across more confidently in the real world. Just remember: it’s never too early–or too late–to enhance communication skills nor social-emotional competencies. The key is make sure face-to-face interactions become part of our daily lives.

12. Practice social skills

Social skills are learned and ideally learned through face to face connection. Don’t let them slip. Just be more intentional about weaving social skills into daily life. Five skills are key – and if practiced can help increase emotional-social competence because they require kids to look at the other person.

Eye contact: Encourage your child is “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes” whether on screen or off. Doing so helps a child look up at the face of the talk and notice emotions.

Friendliness. Encourage your child to smile, greet another, wave or say “hello”, practice on those walks together – encourage your kids to use those on walks. Kids can still smile through a mask!

Sportsmanship. Teach your child how to lose gracefully and be a good sport. Pull out the gameboards, play Connect 4, Chess as a family. Even if your child is playing a game online, tell him that you expect good sportsmanship. “Say, “Good game!”

Manners: Words like thank you, excuse me, pardon me and please are entry points to emotional literacy.  

Best!

Michele

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books including UNSELFIE: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.

I’m excited to announce the release of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2!  For forty years I’ve wondered why some kids have a strong, “We’ve got this” attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born.The book is packed with evidence-grounded strategies we can use to raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in an uncertain world. I hope you like it!

My goal is to create a conversation that makes us rethink or view of success as exclusively grades, rank and score and includes traits of humanity! It’s filled with common-sense solutions based on the latest science to help us raise compassionate, caring, courageous kids. It’s time to include“empathy and resilience building in our parenting!

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

The key to raising a Changemaker is making sure that the project is meaningful for the child and driven by heart, and not chosen to look good on a future resume or college application. 

The first time I realized the power of involving kids in social justice projects was when one of my sons was just four. The two of us had gone to see the movie “The Bear.” Because it was rated as family oriented I wasn’t prepared for the scene in which a bear is brutally killed. Well, neither was my four-year-old. Zach was devastated, and he sobbed all the way home. At some point during our drive, he exclaimed adamantly that the president of the United States should make a rule against killing bears.

Probably to appease my son more than anything else, I suggested that he write the President a letter, and as soon as we drove into our driveway, Zach turned into an animal rights activist. He ran inside; grabbed an envelope, paper, and pencil; and asked me to write down his words. Within five minutes, he’d written a letter to the White House pleading with the most powerful person in the free world to write a law stopping the “bear killers.” He then sealed and stamped the envelope, and confidently put it in the mailbox.

What I never expected was a response. Over the next weeks Zach received dozens of letters from various government officials regarding animal rights, hunting laws, and even a few about bears. And the satisfaction on Zach’s face each time he opened a letter was priceless: “See, Mom,” he’d tell me, “they know killing those bears is wrong. They’re going to do something. I helped the bears.”

That day my four-year-old taught me just how important it is to help kids know that their actions can make a difference.

I also learned a very important lesson: it’s never too early to start helping children to want to better their world.

Changemakers are kids who don’t stand back when they see a problem, but instead step in to make a difference. Here a few altruistic kids who are making the world a better place:

Dylan Siegel, age six, knew he had to help when his best friend, Jonah Pournazarian, was diagnosed with an incurable liver disorder, and so he wrote Chocolate Bar. His book has raised more than $1 million that has results in new gene-therapy treatments.

Rachel Wheeler, age nine, learned that Haitian kids eat mud cookies and live in cardboard house because they’re so poor. She vowed to make a difference by running bake sales, selling homemade potholders, and asking for donations. In just three years, her fund-raising efforts were enough to erect twenty-seven concrete two-room homes in a neighborhood in Haiti now dubbed Rachel’s village.

Yash Gupta, age 14, started thinking about the millions of kids who can’t afford corrective eyewear when his own glasses broke. So her create Sight Learning and began collecting used eyeglasses from optometrists and donated more than 9,500 pairs to kids in Haiti, Honduras, India and Mexico.

But the caring deed doesn’t have to one that makes the cover of TIME and win a Nobel Peace Prize. Simple, everyday kindness gestures are powerful like teens in Chicago who are dropping off Quarantine gift bags (filled with homemade cookies, candy and a hand-written “We’re thinking about you” note) on the driveways of in-bound, stressed-out friends. Or the kids in San Jose who are using chalk to write inspiring notes on sidewalks to the community. “You can’t believe how good it makes you feel,” one girl told me.

Altruistic kids feel another’s pain or recognize a social problem and are driven to find solutions to help. And they do so not for accolades, trophies, rewards or to “look good” on college applications, but because they are driven by the passion of their hearts. Such is the power of empathy! But there are also unlooked benefits: kids who act on their empathetic urges to make a difference recognize their strengths and interests (and so their confidence grows), they stick to the task (and their perseverance stretches) and along the way they discover that giving is of the best ways to reduce stress (so they increase their self-control). It’s why doing for others is one of the best ways to boost resilience and help children learn to thrive. Kids who are resilient are so because they develop and use character strengths.

6 Ways to Inspire Kids to Want to Make a Difference

I’m convinced there is no more powerful way of boosting kids’ character and developing Caring Mindsets and Moral Identities than getting them involved in an issue they consider unjust. It also inspires their empathy and affirms that kids at any age can make a difference.

But how do you start? That’s the question that haunted me.  I decided to find the answer by asking parents whose children were actively involved in volunteering in community projects and passionate about their causes.

Here are six steps parents used to help their kids find their inner passion and become Change Makers.

Step 1: Find what concerns your child

Tune into problems that concern your child and start by looking around your neighborhood. For example: property that needs cleaning up, a park where kids no longer feel safe playing, homeless people living on the streets, shelters that need sprucing up, or elderly people who are lonely. Many parents regularly discuss news issues as a family to find out what concerned their children like Internet hate sites, bullying, homelessness, gender inequality, poverty, human rights, sex trafficking, racial injustice.You might also visit service projects together or take your child with you as your volunteer so your child sees possibilities and you can get a sense of his passions or her concerns.

Step 2: Research the topic together

Next, help your child find out information about the problem. The library, newspapers, and the Internet are always good sources. She might also ask teachers, relatives, coaches, or city officials. Call and write organizations familiar with the topic for more ideas.

Step 3. Brainstorm possibilities

Next, brainstorm ways your child could make a difference. Maybe she wants to help the homeless, and brainstormed: build a shelter, put beds in the park, give out blankets, and raise money for cots. Now help her choose a manageable idea that she cares about. She might realize that building a shelter isn’t realistic (right away, anyway), but she could canvass the neighborhood for blankets.

Every parent of a Changemaker told me these key points: “Think big, but start small. Start in your own community and always begin face to face.” The moment that their child saw the gratitude on the other person’s face was transformational. The initial face to face encounter is what activated the child’s empathy and ignited their passion to want to continue doing more to help. So start any charitable, giving act ideally face-to-face.

Step 4. Enlist others to help

If your child enjoys being with others, find others who agree with her cause. Doing so helps build energy and strengthens commitment. Some kids form clubs with neighbors, classmates, church members, or friends. The more the merrier.

One teen boy told me that he wanted to help out at a homeless shelter his senior year. His concern – time.  So his mom enlisted his girlfriend and her mother so he could see her and they would be a foursome! “Volunteering became our time together,” he said, “and it was transformative. I realized I could make a difference on people’s lives and now I’m pursuing a career in social work. But I also learned things about my mom when we were together. She kept working at that shelter even after I went to college. I never realized how much helping others meant to her. It made me love her even more.”

Step 5. Plan for success

Help her list what resources and people she will need. You might post a large monthly calendar for her to jot down volunteer days and times. Detailed plans increase the odds of success.

Getting started is often the hardest, so you might ask, “What is the first thing you need to get started?”

Stress that plans never go smoothly, so help your child change any areas that need correcting. Then encourage her to not look at those as mistakes but as “learning opportunities” in disguise!

Step 6. Celebrate efforts

Whether your child writes one letter or a 100, donates one blanket or 50, serves one meal or dozens, support his efforts and affirm that he’s helping to make a difference. That is the exact message our children need to realize that they can make their world a better place.

Dr. Ervin Staub found that children who are given the opportunity to help others tend to become more helpful especially if the impact of their helpful actions is pointed out. It nudges kids to develop a growth mind-set about empathy as well as seeing themselves as caring people. So encourage your child to reflect on her servicing experiences: “What did the person do when you helped? How do you think he get? How did you feel? Is lending a hand easier than it used to be?”

And remind your kids that they are kind people, and their caring efforts are making a difference!

Join me! It’s time to start an UnSelfie Revolution and Raise Thrivers!

The ideas in this post are from my  book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All About Me World that describes how to cultivate the Nine Crucial Habits of Empathy, and 300 strategies parents and teachers can use from toddlers to teens to do so.Did you know that teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than those 30 years ago? That is tragic news for our children and society. For starters, it hurts kids’ moral character, and leads to bullying. Also it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once kids grow up, a lack of empathy hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate, and problems solve-all must-have skills for the global economy.

I’m excited to announce the publication of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2. For forty years I’ve wondered why some kids have a strong, “We’ve got this!” attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born – and it’s because they have learned the skills and habits of seven essential character strengths. Thrivers is packed we science-backed ways to instill those traits in children so we raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in an uncertain world. I hope you like it!

I was in the Portland, Oregon, airport last year and witnessed one of the most powerful lessons about teaching tolerance. About two dozen preschool children and their teachers were on an airport field trip. All were walking hand in hand and wearing t-shirts that read: “Children Are Not Born Racist.” It was quite an image. Other passengers were struck as I was, and many stopped to stare. One man standing near me said to no one in particular, “If only parents could understand that one message—maybe we could get along.”

The lesson conveyed on the children’s shirts conveyed what research confirms: We are not born with intolerant beliefs-we learn them and was aimed at the adults, not children. If we really are concerned about ending bullying, cruelty, racism, bigotry, intolerance, and hate, we must consciously model and nurture tolerance, and use science-backed ways to nurture acceptance, compassion and empathy in our homes and schools from the time our kids are young. Doing so, is the best chance we have to help children grow to appreciate and respect others who are different from themselves.

American youth are displaying intolerant actions at alarming rates and at younger ages. Hate crimes in the United States reached the highest level in more than a decade. What’s more, a 2020 nationwide 50-state survey of millennials and Generation Z  showed that sixty-three percent did not know that 6 million Jews were murdered in the Holocaust. Over half of those could not name a single concentration camp and thought the death toll was fewer than two million. 

Tolerance is a powerful virtue that help curtail hatred, bullying, violence, and bigotry while at the same time influencing us to treat others with kindness, respect, and understanding. While tolerance doesn’t call upon us to suspend moral judgment, it does require us to respect differences. This character strength is what helps our children recognize that all people deserve to be treated with dignity, justice and respect even if we disagree with some of their beliefs or behaviors. And it is a critical component of character that we must build in our children so they aren’t so quick to judge and focus on differences but instead what they have in common.

The Anti-Defamation League points out that hate develops slowly and builds say . It starts with a stereotype or bias and then if not countered can increase. Stereotypes can easily turn to prejudice, bullying and then racism and become systemic.. Racism can become institutional discrimination and hate crimes with genocide as the outcome. Laws don’t change hate, parenting will. We must demand that our children treat everyone with dignity.

Laws don’t change hate, parenting will. We must demand that our children treat everyone with dignity. Here are ten ways to boost tolerance and raise a morally strong generation.

10 Ways to Boost Tolerance and Raise Non-Racist, Empathetic Kids

1. Confront outdated beliefs.

You might begin to examining your own childhood upbringing. What were some of your parents’ prejudices? Do any of those remain with you today?

Take time to reflect on how you might be projecting those old, outdated ideas to your child. Then make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don’t become your child’s prejudices. Sometimes you might not even know you are tainting your children’s views.

2. Encourage open and accepting minds.

Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. If you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

3. Cultivate pride in their own culture.

Learning about their family background helps children connect with their heritage and develop an appreciation and respect for not only their own national and ethnic backgrounds, but also for those of their friends and classmates.

As Barbara Mathias and Mary Ann French, authors of 40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child, explain: “Once your child has a solid sense of self and pride in her own people, it will be easier for her to find joy in the differences of others.”

So help your child understand his heritage and as well as begin to appreciate just how much the world is a melting pot of different customs and ideas.

4. Disallow discriminatory comments.

When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values: “That’s disrespectful and I won’t allow such things to be said in my house,” or “That’s a biased comment, and I don’t want to hear it.” Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that they know you really walk your talk. It also models a response they should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.

5. Embrace diversity.

From a young age, expose your child to positive images – including toys, music, literature, videos, public role models, and examples from TV or newspaper reports – that represent a variety of ethnic groups. Encourage your child, no matter how young, to have contact with individuals of different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities, and beliefs. The more your child sees how you embrace diversity, the more prone he’ll be to follow your standards.

Jan Arnow, author of Teaching Peace, points out that “only 10 percent of the almost five thousand children’s books published each year in the United States are multicultural in nature. Of those, fewer than fifty titles annually have been written about Native American and Asian peoples.” That is a troubling statistic, because research says that children first become aware of race and gender differences around two years of age, around the time many parents have started nightly bedtime traditions of reading with their kids. Expose your child early to a variety of multicultural literature that features positive images of all cultures and genders. It is one way to increase tolerance as well as reduce or prevent prejudice.

6. Emphasize WE, not ME.

Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different. Any time your child points out how they are unlike someone, you might say. “There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.”

One fun way  is to play as a family a simple game called “Alike and Different.” It begins by having family members form pairs. Tell each pair to think of five ways they are alike and five ways they are different. Answers can be written or drawn. “Alike” answers might be, for example, “We are African-American, Baptist, dark haired, brown eyed, sisters, and Williams family members.” “Different” answers could be, for example, “I like soccer, she likes tennis; I play saxophone, she plays violin; I am a fourth grader, she is a second grader; I am 4’5″, she is 4’2″.”

In a larger family, have each twosome report their findings back to the family. From then on, any time your child points out how she is different from someone, you might say. “Yes, there are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.”

7. Give straightforward, simple answers.

Kids are naturally curious, so you should expect questions. Asking them is one way for them to sort out how they are different or the same from others as well as to learn to feel comfortable with those differences.

Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” stresses the importance of answering children’s questions simply and honestly even though some issues may seem embarrassing or even taboo. How you respond can either create stereotypes or prevent from forming. For very young kids, usually a one-or two-sentence answer is enough:

CHILD:   “Sally is a girl. She shouldn’t be playing football!”

PARENT: “Girls can play the same sports boys do. Some girls like football, and some girls don’t. Sally likes to play football, so she should play it.”

CHILD: “Why is that boy sitting in that chair that moves?”

PARENT:  “That chair is called a wheelchair, and it has a motor. The boy’s legs don’t work the same as yours. The chair is what he uses to get from place to place.”

8. Counter biased beliefs.

When you hear a child make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why they feel the way they do. Then gently challenge their views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if your child says: “Homeless people should get job,” you might counter: “There are many reasons homeless people don’t work or have houses. They may be ill or can’t find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one.”

9. Model tolerance.

The best way for your child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example. So ask yourself one critical question each day: “If my child had only my behavior to copy, would they be witnessing an example of what I want them to emulate?” Make sure you are walking your talk.

The best secret to teaching kids tolerance is not by lectures or worksheets, but through our example. Be a living textbook of tolerance for your child and for all other children. It’s also the best way we have to create a peaceful world for our children and reduce peer cruelty.

10. Nurture understanding.

Just as hatred, bigotry, prejudice, and intolerance are learned, so too are sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and acceptance. The sooner we start our lessons, the better the chance we have of preventing small-minded   attitudes and behaviors from taking hold-and inspiring children to live more harmoniously in this global world.

Kids aren’t born hateful: prejudices are learned. While intolerance, insensitivity, and hatred can be learned, so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. 

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert
I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books. You can also find dozens of research-based and proven, practical tips to raise empathetic, tolerant children in my latest book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. 

I’m excited to announce the publication of my new book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine on March 2. For forty years I’ve wondered why some kids have an “We’ve got this!” attitude and discovered the science of resilience. Thrivers are made, not born. The book is packed we science-backed ways we raise mentally and morally strong kids who are prepared to live and thrive in a diverse, uncertain world. I hope you like it!

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba