Upwards Abigail

How to Fall in Love in Just 11 Hours

Tue, 24 Jun 2014 09:36:27 -0700

This is the video James made for Abigail’s memorial service.

Happy Birthday Abby!

Sat, 21 Jun 2014 21:37:41 -0700

5/31/14 (38 weeks)

James and I woke up nervous and excited. Today at noon we would finally get to meet our little girl, but we had no idea how long we would have her for. My hospital bag had been packed and repacked. The camera and phones were charged. We prayed together one last time then headed to the hospital.

Abigail Leigh Browning was born at 12:47. She weighed 4lbs 8oz and was 15” long. James watched as the nurses cleaned her and wrapped her up in blankets. They handed Abigail to him, and he brought her over to me while I was laying on the operating table. We were parents! She was so beautiful, and so tiny in James’s hands. The three of us bonded while the doctors finished the surgery. I held Abigail, skin to skin, on my chest and just felt her breathing and listened to her little sounds.

James and I spent an hour by ourselves with Abby in the recovery room. She had full lips and blew little bubbles with them. She made funny faces whenever we had to take the blankets off her or she didn’t like something. She made a lot of little noises too. When she was breathing it sounded gurgly, and also kind of fussy. All I could think about was how perfect she was and how much I loved her. I was filled with joy and could not stop smiling all day.

The nurses we had were so great! They took very good care of us, giving us as much family time together as possible. They even helped us create a special memory box for Abigail with hand and foot prints and molds. I’m so thankful that I have those things now.

Our whole family who was at the hospital that day, 7 in all, came into our room together. They each got to meet baby Abigail. They held her and loved on her. The atmosphere of the room was so happy! Abigail stole all our hearts.

The hours went by, and we could see that Abigail was starting to fade. Sometimes she would stop breathing and her color would change. It was so scary. But the nurses showed us how to lift up her chin and stimulate her a little and she would come back for a bit. James and I knew that our time was winding down, but did not know what to expect in the end. We decided to try holding her skin to skin again, like we did at the beginning in the operating room. After that, Abigail never struggled to breathe again.

I held her close, and for the first time that day I felt the incredible loss of saying goodbye to our only child. Abigail went to be with Jesus peacefully around 11:30pm. She lived for 11 hours, and was held the entire time by those who loved her. She would never know pain or loss or sin like we do, only love and eternal paradise. Although I do feel the pain of her loss, I am grateful for the hope I have in Christ to be reunited with Abigail one day in heaven. Then we will never have to say goodbye again.

Abigail's Slideshow

Mon, 16 Jun 2014 21:18:00 -0700

Here are some photo highlights from the best day ever.

Life/Time

Sat, 07 Jun 2014 22:55:07 -0700

5/31/14

On the day that Abigail was to be born, Hannah and I went into the hospital at about 10am. The c-section was scheduled for noon and we had to get in and get prepped before the surgery. I can think of so many times when 2 hours felt like forever. But this time it flew by. After all of the tests and peeing in cups and final instructions they took Hannah into the operating room and asked me to wait in the hallway for about 20 minutes.

While the previous couple of hours had flown by, this 20 minutes slowed to a near stop. I feel like I crammed about 3 days worth of prayer in those 20 minutes and I had never been so nervous as I was at that moment. Each minute ticking by was exhausting. Would the baby be ok? Would I be ok? With Abigail’s condition she had a strong chance of not surviving birth, or only living for a matter of moments. What if she died before I got to see her? What if she lived for weeks or months, always just a heart beat away from death? I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her, but I would be so afraid to sleep knowing that she might not make it through to the morning.

Finally, after the glaciers receded, the continents drifted, and mountains eroded into the sea, I was told that I could come in. I was so nervous, I was afraid that I would throw up in the operating room. Where was my baby? What did she look like? It turns out that they hadn’t even started the c-section yet, that entire time had just been prepping and anesthetizing Hannah!

They sat me down next to Hannah’s head on the table with a short curtain separating us from Hannah’s lower half where the actual work was taking place. I sat down and held Hannah’s hand, trying to comfort her and not pass out. She asked if they had started yet, but I was a little afraid to peek over the curtain and she wasn’t sure if she actually wanted me looking at her uterus anyway, so I just kept patting her hand.

After about 10 minutes worth of nervous chatting, the doctors told us that the baby was out and I could come over and see her.

My heart beats crazy now just remembering it. Every hope and fear that I had locked in the back of my mind over the previous 6 months suddenly crashed through. Maybe God had healed my baby! Maybe she was healthy and whole! God can do anything, maybe he would have mercy on me. Then I saw her. There was Abigail laying on a table surrounded by nurses. She was being cleaned and suctioned and alive. But she hadn’t been healed.

I instantly fell so in love with her I couldn’t even breathe. My very own daughter had just landed on earth and immediately made the whole world better. I loved her so much and I knew that she was going to die.

I had never been so happy to see someone and so sad that they were leaving. Tears started pouring down my face, and my nose started running through the surgical mask. I started filming with the camera not wanting to ever miss a second of the most important life I’d ever witness. The nurse took the camera out of my hand and put some scissors in and told me to cut the cord. I did, and they immediately wrapped her up and put Abigail in my arms, purple and sticky, and gross, and beautiful, and alive and dying. Then I carried her over to meet Hannah, her mother, who was so happy to meet her that she could only smile while my joyful heart broke and melted.

Thoughts From James the Night Before

Thu, 05 Jun 2014 11:35:09 -0700

5/30/14

It is Friday night at 10pm the night before my wife goes in to deliver Abigail by C-section. We spent last Sunday night in the hospital during a minor complication and spent most of the time there thinking that we were going to deliver the baby right then and there. Hannah was very much relieved when the doctor, after reviewing the test results decided that it wasn’t an emergency yet and that Hannah could wait until later that week if she wanted to.

After the arrival of several family members, a week of waiting, and about a million calls and text messages, I am sitting in bed typing this anticipating the birth of my first child, Abigail tomorrow at noon.

Sunday night, we had gone through an entire range of emotions in just a couple of hours. But once the immediate situation was resolved we went back to our normal schedules. Hannah was still very stressed at first because she had no idea when she would be going in to deliver other than “soon” but the doctor’s office was closed for Memorial Day. Once that was cleared up, everyone relaxed a bit, until the day before. Today.

Today, was a harder day. All week we had been looking forward to having a baby. But suddenly it became harder and harder to remember the joy of birth and easier and easier to think about the fact that we were about to lose our baby girl. We had no idea how long she would live, maybe a couple of hours, maybe a couple of days. Maybe she would even live a couple of months. I’ve read stories online of parents whose babies lived for 3 months, and I can’t imagine how any of them ever slept knowing that their baby may not be there when they wake up. Tonight is the only night of my life that I can know for sure that my baby will be there tomorrow. Every other night from now on, I can only go to sleep with hope.

Sunday Suprise

Wed, 04 Jun 2014 20:53:58 -0700

Sunday 5/25/14 (37 weeks)

Today was the last day of work at Calvary Church before we start our maternity leave. It was a lovely day saying goodbye to our friends there and the kids in our Sunday school classes. The congregation prayed for us as well.

During that morning I was experiencing some symptoms that were concerning. I was afraid that if I called the doctor she would not allow me to travel to Ohio as we had planned for the next Wednesday. But by the end of the afternoon James talked me into giving her a call just to be safe.

Since it was a holiday weekend, the doctor sent us to the hospital to be examined. She determined that I was at the very beginning stages of labor, and said we may need to do the c-section that night. I was not prepared to hear that! James and I were so sad that Abigail would never get to meet any other members of her family. So we prayed together, and the Holy Spirit filled us with peace. Within an hour of hearing that first report, our hearts were ready to welcome our little girl into the world. James and I even started to record little messages for baby Abigail.

After looking over the test results and talking with us, Dr. Bravo then let us know that we could wait a little while longer to have the c-section but we were not permitted to travel.

We called our family, and by the next night my mom, sister, and brother-in-law were in LA and the Brownings were making their plans to come shortly. Praise the Lord we would all be together for Abigail’s birth! Although things did not go according to our original plan, we still had an amazing week spending time together and making preparations for the big day.

It has been a busy past couple months! These are a few of the...

Mon, 05 May 2014 19:51:00 -0700

Abigail's first Easter egg.

James and I at church, about to go enjoy the Easter picnic.

It has been a busy past couple months! These are a few of the photo highlights. I am so thankful for all the time I have been able to spend with my friends and family. We are celebrating life together and treasuring each moment.

New Friends

Tue, 11 Mar 2014 18:11:00 -0700

1/30/14 (21 Weeks)

James and I have been discussing the option of organ donation. We are both registered donors ourselves, and love the idea of helping others in need once we pass. But what about our baby? Of course we still want to help others, but it becomes much more emotional. As you can imagine, we had a lot of questions. What could we expect to happen? How soon would the procedure need to be done? How would Abigail look after the procedure? Which organs could be donated, and how would they be used? Unfortunately none of my doctors knew the answers to any of our questions.

Today my mom told me about LifeBanc in Ohio. She heard about it from a friend who recently worked with them when a loved one passed away. I looked at their website and found a little bit of information. I called the phone number, prepared for a difficult discussion. Someone returned my call 30 minutes later.

Her name is Heather, and our conversation went like this. I told her a few facts about our story and had my list of questions ready, but before I could ask any of them, she stopped me.

“Hannah, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Do you know if you are having a boy or girl”? I answered “girl”.

“And what is her name?” As I said “Abigail”, both Heather and I started to cry.

We talked for an hour! I could tell that Heather and the people at Lifebanc really cared about us. They cared about Abigail as the little person she is. That is the most important part of the decision we will be making. Heather did answer all of my questions as best she could, and ultimately gave me the confidence that we can work together through this and do what is best for our family, and hopefully even help other families whom we have not even met. I was blown away at the care and sensitivity of this organization!

As far as the details, a lot is still up in the air. If and what we can donate will depend on the circumstances of Abigails birth and life. We plan on meeting in person with a lifebanc of Ohio team once we are home and closer to that time. One thing I know for sure is that Abigail will be treated with dignity and love. I feel so thankful that God is directing our steps and putting the best people in our lives.

I also have Heather’s personal number so we can keep in touch over these next few months. She left the door open to call her anytime I need a friend to talk to.

"Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s..."

Tue, 25 Feb 2014 12:40:53 -0800

“

Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”

Abigail, your Father made you special. You are a very special person, created and crafted and designed by God your Father. Before the foundation of the world, your Father planned for you. You are no accident. You did not have to exist, but your Father willed you into existence. He chose the day and time you would start your life. He chose your parents and wove you together in your mother’s womb. He planned your birth order and put you in your family. He chose every one of your 23 pairs of chromosomes. He chose every one of your 10,000 plus genes. He chose every part of your spiritual heritage. He reached back into your father’s bloodline and your mother’s bloodline, and from generations past, your heavenly Father chose different parts of your heritage. Some parts are not so beautiful, and some parts are absolutely gorgeous. Yet your Father wove it all together and gave you everything you need in the package of your life to be an overcomer, a victor, to take the negative parts of your heritage and triumph over them, to walk in the beauty of all that God has placed within you.

Your Father made you beautiful and beloved. I bless you Abigail because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God invested an incredible amount of effort and concentration in designing you. You are unique, one of a kind. There is nobody else like you. God has thought extensively about you. Every detail of your body, every organ, and every cell is the result of God’s thoughts. Every facet of your personality is the result of His kind intention. You are beautiful and you are beloved. God has blessed you with His love. God smiled on the day He created you. He had been waiting for millennia for the particular point in time when you were conceived. He had great joy in His heart when His plans actually came together. He nurtures your spirit; He watches over you.

Your world needs you. You bring something to your family that no other person has. They need the gifts you bring.Your family would not be complete without you. Others in your circle need the deposit that God placed in your life.

Abigail, your Father wrote your days in His book. He has already read the final chapters, although we have not had that privilege. Your life is not a random thing. He is looking forward to the chapters of the story He has already written. He designed your spiritual heritage. Your generational blessings go back a thousand generations. There is a spiritual treasure chest of generational blessings with your name on it. Those are being released to you incrementally over the course of your life at the appointed, appropriate time. All this is God’s master plan. God has foreseen your pain. He promises that because of His love, His power, and his blessings upon you, he causes pain and negative things to be transformed into good things by the end of your life. We don’t know everything about who you are going to be or what you are going to do, but you are loved, you are a blessing to your family, and you are a life-giver to the world. You are special, and we celebrate God’s miraculous design of who you are. I bless you in the name of Jesus.

”

- “Blessing your Spirit” by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burk

Home For The Holidays

Wed, 19 Feb 2014 03:48:00 -0800

12/24/13-1/7/14 (17 weeks)

We had a lovely Christmas at the Brownings and New Year’s at the Calkins! Feeling so much love as we spend time together and remember the things in life that really matter. We shared a video with my mom and mother-in-law where we introduced them to their little granddaughter Abigail. I think they were surprised that we already knew the baby’s gender and had chosen a name.

For 2 weeks we spent much time resting and catching up with friends and family.

We have decided that we want to deliver the baby at home in Ohio. We love the idea of being surrounded by our family when she is born, and when she passes. Today we met with Dr. Domingo in Canton, OH. He came highly recommended from a few friends.

After a very long wait, we finally got to meet him and some of his team. I was so impressed with his kindness and sensitivity! He basically said that he and his team would do whatever they could to give us a peaceful experience. He even said that he had a nurse in mind that he would make sure will stay with us while we are in the hospital who is especially caring. Wow! I’m so glad that we are going to be having our baby in our hometown with our family and in the care of these wonderful medical people.

Dr. Domingo also said that he would schedule a c-section for us when the time came to have the baby. It will increase Abigail’s chances of being born alive.

Also the first week of January I begin to feel Abigail moving around inside! It feels like a gentle muscle spasm in my tummy every once in a while when I am sitting very still. I notice her movement mostly in the evenings. The morning sickness and extreme fatigue that I experienced during the first trimester has almost completely disappeared, although I still enjoy a daily nap.

A dear friend gave me this angel wing bracelet. It reminds me of Abigail.

An Early Christmas Gift

Thu, 13 Feb 2014 10:27:04 -0800

12/23/13 (15 weeks)

We had another ultrasound today with Dr. Silverman. He said that he respected our decision to carry the baby, but was clearly not in favor of it. It was a little disappointing for me, but I understand that medically, our choice doesn’t make much sense. I don’t blame him for his opinion. He did say that the only positive thing that he could possibly think of would be to donate the baby’s organs. Something to consider.

At the end of the appointment as he was about to leave, I asked if it was possible to tell the gender of the baby yet. A quick glance at the screen and he stated: “it looks like its a girl”.

A girl!!! I was so surprised! I had two or three dreams over the past few weeks that it was a boy. James also thought it would be a boy. We named her that day Abigail Leigh Browning. Abigail means “The Father’s joy”. We plan on going home to Ohio tomorrow and surprising our family with the good news.

A Little Something From James

Sun, 09 Feb 2014 16:29:16 -0800

This is an excerpt from a paper James had to write for his Hebrew class the day after we got the diagnosis 12/5/13:

“My wife is pregnant with our first child. This past summer we had a miscarriage and so my wife, Hannah, has been a little nervous during this pregnancy. This week she went in for an ultrasound and the doctors found that the baby has anencephaly, a type of spina bifida. It means that the baby has not developed a skull or even skin on the top of its head. While parts of the brain may never develop there is enough there so that our baby will probably continue to develop until birth. But our baby will die at birth. It has been a very sad week for us, knowing that our unborn baby only has 6 months to live. We can’t even hold our baby during these last months. My wife’s pregnancy will continue to go on, her belly will continue to get bigger, she’ll feel our baby kicking, and everyone who sees her will ask her when the baby is due and whether it will be a boy or a girl. Then, on the day of our child’s birth, it will be born, undeveloped brain exposed, and will only live anywhere from a matter of seconds to a couple of days.

It isn’t my desire to add New Testament theology to this passage in Genesis. But I am attempting to apply the principles and lessons that are common between the two.

The story of Isaac is not a promise from God that our child will be healed, or even that we’ll ever have a baby. But it is a lesson that God loves us, he loves our baby, and that he offers us the hope of an eternal life. God gave Isaac to Abraham and Sarah, he gave them laughter, so that through Isaac and his descendants God might give us all his own son, his own child, who would come as a baby, which we remember this time of the year. I know the joy and laughter that Abraham and Sarah felt when she became pregnant. I also know what it felt like when God asked Abraham to offer up his son’s life. Abraham could do it because he had the hope of the resurrection. The same hope in the promise that God would provide an heir and that heir would be Isaac. I have a hope in God’s promise of resurrection, hope that God does love the world, and I have the sign that Abraham had in a birth. Not in the birth of Isaac, but in the birth of Christ.”

Getting Educated

Thu, 06 Feb 2014 19:22:51 -0800

12/9/13 (14 weeks)

Today we had our first visit with my doctor since we had our diagnosis last week. I was so thankful James came with me! She explained a little bit more about anencephaly, and told us that as hopeless as this seems, we do have options. We immediately told her that we have already decided we did not want to terminate. It was important to us to carry this baby and show it as much love as possible with as much time as we could have.

Dr. Bravo was so supportive of our decision! She was glad that James and I were absolutely certain, and would have no second thoughts about it. She even offered us a quick ultrasound since James was with me and he had not yet seen the baby. The baby was moving all around on the screen and had a strong heartbeat. It was such a gift to see, and watch James see for the first time!

We found out that anencephalic babies usually have to be induced or delivered via c-section, are often breech, and there is a 25% increased risk for polyhydramnios . Other than those relatively minor things, there is no risk to carry the baby to term. My doctor would continue to see me for regular prenatal care.

Every day, I was feeling more peace from the Lord. I was crying less every day too. Maybe I could find joy through this after all.

James made this video from that day (we added the name later though as we still did not know the gender at that time)

Where our story begins

Tue, 04 Feb 2014 21:08:00 -0800

This first post is a long one.

September 30th 2013 I got a positive home pregnancy test. I was so excited to be pregnant again just 7 weeks after a devastating miscarriage ending my first pregnancy. Super excited, and super nervous. Hopefully this is a good sign that I am healthy and we can finally start our family after waiting over 3 years.This time I’m not taking any chances. I tried to make an appointment to see my doctor right away, but she couldn’t schedule me for another month. A month! How could I possibly wait that long? I really wanted to be seen right away to make sure my hormone levels were ok, hopefully lessening my chances for another sad ending.

James suggested I talk with our friend who is in charge of a pregnancy crisis center our church supports. Great idea! She was so sweet and understanding of my crazy nervousness. I was able to go to the clinic by the end of the week. Phew. I’ve done all I can do. And good news! Hormones are normal. Finally starting to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Even the nausea although unpleasant, is a joyful reminder of our little blessing on the way. By 6 weeks I had gotten to hear and see a healthy heartbeat. I felt so overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord.

9 Weeks, I start showing a little bit of a baby bump!

December 4th I go in for my 13 week scan. I knew that the purpose of this test is to check the baby’s spine and they can tell if there is a risk of Down’s Syndrome. I remember talking to my mom on the phone before the appointment. I was saying that the testing didn’t really matter to me, I would love the baby no matter what. What I was most excited about was coming home with a great profile picture of the baby. I was not worried at all.The ultrasonographer was very quiet during the exam. She said she wanted to take some measurements before she would let me see the screen. Then she got up and said she needed to talk to the doctor. I waited with the cold gel on my tummy alone in the room for a few minutes. Is this how it normally goes I wondered? She came back a little while later and turned on the lights. I guess we’re done? She said that she saw something that concerned her, but she didn’t feel comfortable telling me exactly what it was.

I was able to go see a doctor in another office that afternoon. He said that our baby had a neural tube defect that was without a doubt incompatible with life, although I would likely carry to term. The baby had no bones or skin on top of its head, and the brain matter was exposed. He said that due to the circumstances, his recommendation is to terminate this pregnancy and “move on”. He could schedule me for the procedure as soon as I was ready. I was so sad, I just wanted to go home and hug my husband. I called him from the car in the parking garage and could barely talk through the tears. He took the night off from work to be with me.

All the next day, we stayed home. We cried and prayed together. We called our families. I spent some time on the internet and found out the name of the baby’s defect is anencephaly. I read a lot of stories of families who had gone through this, some terminated, some carried to term. I felt like we were faced with a horrible choice, and there seemed to be no clear “right” answer. I spoke with my friend again at the pregnancy crisis center. She prayed with me and shared a story of one of her friends who had gone through the same thing a few years back. They chose to carry their baby to term, and were surprised at all the unexpected blessings through their journey.

By the next morning, we had made our decision. We wanted to carry this baby. I didn’t know how I could endure 6 months of carrying a baby knowing that we would not be able to raise it and watch it grow, but I knew that we would not be alone. My God has always been with me! Our families are always there supporting us and praying for us. We wanted to give God a chance to do what He does best… take broken things and make them beautiful.