Urban Trail Mix

Sunshine from the inside but cold when you're outside

2012-12-19T14:17:00.001-08:00

It's taken me thiiiiis long to figure out what exactly the problem is and now that I know... I'm no longer interested. Not the way I uses to be. I go the distance until I can't anymore. Hopefully I will only need a break.

__Steps__
1. Know
2. Accepting
3. Apology/Grief
4. Integration

I don't know that I have the patience to wait and see especially if I'm still getting nothing.

( here come the tears). I've been a fool again. I'm upset with myself. I don't have anymore energy to give. I need someone to give me, invest in me.

My concern with going forward with this is that I won't have anythings left for me. I give some much attention and effort to [ ] that I don't give enough to myself.

I really don't know.

I always want everything to workout but maybe I have to learn how to be okay with things not being okay AND letting go.

If someone wants to hold on to someone or a object they will put forth the muscle to do so.

Get in one single line "no boxes" edition

2012-12-19T11:56:00.001-08:00

Religion was used as a form to control. Everybody was to to be subjected to one law.

I've adopted Love as my religion. I take my example from people who loved. To love someone is a reflection of self. How you love someone is also a reflection of where you are in your life.

How do you love?

HOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE TELLS THE TRUTH OF YOUR CHARACTER. It doesn't matter I'd you're quiet or loud... Love has it's own unique volume.

I love others the way I want them to love me back. That is a reflection. I'm open to other ways of love but I only ask that I am actively taught. I welcome it... But...
.
.
The thing about love is that it requires our very best. Love is a weight. Essential but nonetheless a weight. Just like a good fat our body needs... So is love. The hardest part is getting ourselves out of the way and letting Love be it's pure self.

I sometimes struggle with the lessons.

Good Day Lt.

2012-12-18T17:23:00.001-08:00

They are both passive aggressive. By not responding is their way of controlling.

I'm stronger because of knowledge. Good or bad- I aim to be true at heart; loving, giving, pushing towards trust and stubborn.

Cha-Ching || A Unique Problem

2012-12-18T13:42:00.001-08:00

The first thing I'm going to do is eat a good meal alone. I'm going to enjoy every moments of it. I picture that as being a vacation.

I don't think of vacations the way that people that are used to having a abundance. Internally, I don't think that poor people should have a vacation- better yet let me speak for myself... I'm not use to having a abundance. I'm used to having the bare minimum and wanting the extra/other stuff. Also my thinking is money is hard to come by so why spend it? Why be careless? To be spending money just to spend it is careless especially when you can pay your bills for a while or help other people.

I think maybe I would feel guilty being rich. I'd feel overwhelmed. I'd feel overwhelmed with ways I can help others, feeling like I shouldn't... I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid that I'll change and take people and things in my life for granted. I'm afraid of not being appreciative. I'm afraid that I will turn into to the people that I see and hear about. I like me the way that I am... But I would also be lying if I avoided the grate ideas inside of me... I (almost 90%) know that if I move forward with these ideas I will prosper and succeed. I also know (d/ think) that it would bring me monetary success as well and that's scary to me. I mean really scary. This is such a double-edges sword because I feel the tug to do great but I also feel the anticipation of being great. If I grew up with money and [what I now know] stability [ to be] I wouldn't have this struggle.

Maybe this is the Bear Hunt that Janine was talking about...

"...what happens when you see the bear? You go back home and get in the bed."

She was wise. She understood me. She understood me because she was willing to understand me and not judge me. I really miss her. I wish she was near so I could give her a hug and cry and say thank you. I also have more to my journey...

Success is a unique problem. A unique problem.

Nagging || House Of Love|| what's for breakfast

2012-12-15T10:58:00.001-08:00

I have that nagging feeling in my gut AGAIN. It's my Red Flag system.

My dream hit on what I wrote about and how I feel.

I need more patience, awareness, validation, empathy, and more expression.

How am I?

The same nonchalant attitude and critique she gets from her family she gives to me. The more I'm around her and her dad I see it. It bothers me. Her family is tiring and emotionally draining. Most of everyone is tense and wound up- all the time it seems. That is the complete opposite of me. I guess that's partially why I feel emotionally tired. My family ( the selected few I'm around) we are NOT like that. KD is just like them. It's almost like she hasn't formed her own identity apart from them. How can she have a life with me when she's so entangled with them? How can we live together when she is still leaning on them and their opinions of her and looking to them for her emotional cues.

I don't want to live with her family. I want to live with her ( the person I hope (to god) she is.

She said that Che gets 'all my family' but I've started realizing that the things she accuses me of are usually projections of her own insecurities.

This relation is a emotional workout. I keep looking for a vacation but I'm not sure I'll get one- ever. Is this what the nagging in my stomach is about?

The way her dad treats her, her feelings, opinions, and concerns is the way she tries to treat me but I don't go for that shit. But the fact that I don't is why I'm tired of her. It's the reason that I find her to be difficult and a hand-full.

Where is she in all that? Will it be worth the wait? This is why I stand where I am. Personally, it's a lot for me and I have to emotionally take care of myself do I'm able to operate and function for the things on my side and in my life.

What keeps me in the relationship? Love. It's just that simple. When or if I feel like it's time to call it quits there will always be a door for us to restart the magic that I feel certainly we have.

I just may need a break.

I'm serious when I say that I don't want her to be intertwined with her family if we were to live together and marry, I am DEAD ass serious. In fact, if I don't feel different and see a difference I wouldn't live with or marry her- just as she wouldn't be able to deal with me if I was entangled in my family. Her autonomy has to come first. I need to know that she can have my back and won't forsake me. I want her to be strong for her ( first) and for us. US is big but I'm holding to my gun. I want individual Tx as well as couples Tx so we enter into a beautiful US the way we would a brand new house.

I hope she comes out of all this a new and beautiful KD. I hope my true-better-half is under there. I can't wish but I hope that faint words of my village members are correct and stand true about her.

To a better us!

Cheers.

Let's eat

Études & Refrains

2012-12-12T11:07:00.001-08:00

There will always be hills and valleys.

Return/investment

Chocolate

Music

Reminders

How do you know?

Opportunity cost/Sunk cost

Isolation

Emotional intelligence

Scattered pieces of yesterday

Scattered pieces of yesterdays

Space

Love

I knew I risked going in

I hope it is worth it.

Certainty

Uncertainty

Binary

Spectrum

I remember.

Rest

Life can be so full of quarter notes and constant syncopation. Last night was a whole note for a 20 bar refrain in allegro.

When is the rest coming.

What time signature are we in?

Where is the coda?

__________|\_|\/\___*

2012-12-11T22:47:00.001-08:00

I'm not interested in saying anything else.

I'm choosing not to care.

I withdraw.

I don't want to share my life with her or anyone.

I will remain alone.

Buying music is what I now choose.

But it probably wouldn't choose me back.

I have to keep quiet from you because you use my words against me.

I'd rather just not be bothered.

I'm choosing not to be a part of anything.

I'm not going Saturday.

Who cares about context.

All pointless.

Read this. Cum on this. I'm sure you will share it.

I waste my breath.

Who cares anyway.

I should have chose this a long time ago.

Nothing.

I choose not to be supportive.
Travel alone. Without me.

I'm stupid for even considering the idea... Once again, silly me. The code is that__________

I won't be sharing that here.

- - -

The worst things; confusing my intentions for control (me being sweet died tonight) and betraying me. I've said nothing different that I haven't already said before about my family or work- absolutely nothing. funny thing is- i was told by you that I share my problems with people but now you want me to share with you- you've done damage and don't even know but want things to work differently to accommodate you and your process. Not only have I quit, I don't trust.

You've taken a lot of shit out on me and ALWAYS have- from my apartment, event tickets, blasting me on social media, being malicious, telling me fuck u, leaving me, event dismissal, saying u want to hurt me, blaming me for your test scores, constantly testing my affection for you, etc. THAT IS A LOT! You want to hear about my family and other areas of my life but you can't deal with us. You can't even say sorry without minimizing your actions. Sorry followed by a but isn't a apology at all. You've come out from the very beginning swinging daggers at me. You assumed I was like 'them'. Anyone in their right mind could see how this could be tiring and frustrating. You don't apologize because you don't want to deal with being wrong. Everything is a debate, discussion, argument with you. You can't be told anything and you can't be the person that's wrong. You're so sensitive that me saying "Stop. Red light" made your tone rude with me. That sure doesn't leave any room for anything else. I AM NOT trying to fucking control you.i am not THEM, HIM, HER, etc.

I've been pushed on topics tonight. None of which I said was different. I shared them them in a angry tone because they were asked after me being told I was arrogant, unappreciative, rude and five other things. I'm still not capable of saying or doing anything right by you. The only thing you DO NOT debate me about is giving you head. Yeap! That's the only thing so imagine how that makes me feel. Truthfully I'm even surprised that you think I do that right. I know my intentions. I trust myself because I honest with me first and I make sure that I always keep you in mind, even when I can't afford to and when I don't have the means to. Cut me some fucking slack!

You talk about poking a finger in a womb- that's exactly what you did to me. When I tried to share on my own (about a topic that's genuinely hard for me) at dinner you over talked me and poked fun at it. I'm just tired. I've been honest with you even when I've secretly been embarrassed or feel shame. I genuinely thought we were making progress but after tonight and you telling me that I'm not being honest I'm not sure. Maybe you're the one that's holding back with me- tonights conversation blindsided me. IDK. Don't worry about sharing anything else in your life with me. Don't worry about doing any emotional work for an us. It's no longer necessary.

I'm hurt.

I'm cool.

Thanks

2 Incomplete

2012-12-11T00:32:00.001-08:00

Summer may be over
But my love for u will never fade
Kissing your lips

---

I wake up every morning when you're not here
I says thank you'd and wipe a single year

The morning seems long
And longer seems the night
Only three more months
I sure miss our Friday nights

I hold you I hold you near
I miss your cold feet
Your hands in my hair
Hold me, hold me, hold me

NMS (ASCAP)

Too upset to travel

2012-12-10T04:22:00.001-08:00

I'm upset. I'm upset that I'm not safe to travel the globe with my partner.

The thought of these places are triggering my anxiety. I know that she doesn't want to go to what she call 'a regular place' that we can go to all the time' but I want to be comfortable. I can't blend in like her. I'm also concerned that she is so beautiful that it will attract attention to us and me who already doesn't blend in. I can't jeopardize my safety. I've been there, done that and I don't want the tshirt. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about my personal safety. I want to feel safe and comfortable. The times that we've traveled I get looks all the time. We get looks all the time. I get people starring at me. She doesn't see it or just doesn't care but I'm not like her. I don't just shut my mind off to things.

My comfort is the most important thing to me. Her safety is also just as important. I don't want to be on a vacation or Honeymoon and something happens to her- I'd just fall to pieces.

Yes, a part of me is fearful but I don't want to have to be brave on my Honeymoon. I want to be relaxed, feel in love and enjoy the freedom of expressing myself to and with her sexually. After all it would be a honeymoon and that's most of what couples do.

No More

2012-10-02T15:39:00.001-07:00

I only write to keep hold of myself. When I stop writing- that's when you have a problem. I'm either on the verge of something extraordinarily good or disastrous. I think this may also be my last blog here.

Get away from everything & Everyone

2012-10-01T22:07:00.001-07:00

Today was okay then Trina and I started texting and I started to feel rushed. Everyone woman that I've come in contact with today has had a fucking attitude. Are all women on their emotional periods? I really do hate to sound sexes but it's true. They are some emotional creatures. Man, I swear you better not have your own stress and if you do you better hide that shit because THEY WILL blame you. Women are complicated. I get why when are sometimes the way they are. I got my own stress. Who the duck is helping me carry my load. No one is checking on me to see if...
I'm tired. Maybe I should go to sleep early.

I'm stressed out but I haven't said one thing. I'm starting to resent myself for not taking care of me. If some money came to me right now I would take my laptop, cell phones, buy Reslin, food and snacks and go to a hotel that serves breakfast and just relax in the quietness. That's all I really want to do. I'd still do work but call it a day at 5pm.

Grocery List:
Sweet & Sour Shrimp tacos
Almond Butter cookies
Cheddar Cheese
Sparkling Water
4 Layer Dip
Rislin wine,
Frost Citrus Vodka
Cranberry Juice
M & M w/ peanuts
Spinach Dip
Chips
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
Croissant & fruit- strawberries, Pineapples, watermelon, bananas, and blueberries.
Baked Chocolate Chip cookies
Gallon of Water
Kettle Popcorn

Yeah that's all I would take with me. Ahhh well. I can always dream.

I feel so blah

2012-09-29T10:36:00.001-07:00

I feel so blah today and I have so much to do. I wish things could be as simple as the say 'kiss and make up' but that isn't always the case... Is it ever the case in life? Ugh!

On the other hand I fell in love with a pair of shoes today... If I didn't know what it was like being raised poor and irresponsible I would totally trick off my money and buy them. One day in the near future I will have the options to buy almost anything I want- not that I will buy but the option to.

Shaking My Head

2012-09-26T18:11:00.001-07:00

She drives me crazy but the truth remains that I love the fuck out of her. Trina is my baby. She is just as beautiful to me as the first day that I first saw her. I love you Katrina.

Mountain tops and robots

2012-09-26T08:44:00.001-07:00

IDK. I've been feeling like affection is being rationed to me, from the way she kisses me to the times she says no to sex. This isn't a new feeling for me, I just don't say anything but why would I when she says things like, "what's wrong with you. Do you need sex. You must need sex!" in a way that makes me feel like I'm a kid that annoying their parent... That shit makes me feel rejected. It always has but I don't say anything because she is often stressed out and generally tense. I'm supportive and try to be extra supportive of her difficult attitude and try to ride with her high and lows.

Honestly, I do think she's less stimulated by me or maybe she takes me for granted. Before we started having sex she couldn't keep her hands off me and soon after we started having sex we would have sex a few times on the weekend. I don't want to program myself to be less affectionate or desensitize toward her. We would text sex and flirt with each other but now, who knows. Maybe she's comfortable...but I won't play the game of 'trying to figure out Trina' with myself. Sorry, i cant survive on sex once a week but I've been keeping a low sex profile with her. I'm not even mad. Being mad would only insure two things happening. In any case I'll just be cool and stay focused on my own activities. I have my own terms as well. If she had more sex- even with herself she wouldn't always be so damn tense. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me wanting sex. I feel like she withholds sex. I swear to the high heavens if I gave her exactly what she gave me she would think something is wrong. I already tested that theory and she kept asking if I was tired and what was wrong... I don't want to start with holding from her emotionally to feel like I'm getting back. In fact that exactly what i don't do because when i start to do that i lose complete interest and respect for the other person and ultimately i can kiss whatever dynamic (work, relationship, friends) goodbye. I KNOW ME. We are not at that point and i hope we never get there. Im frustrated but cant make me turn on the affection or sit on my face. Before I felt like she was into me and showed me genuine interest and flirted with me- and this is when she and I only say each other on the weekends and text during the week with minimal phone conversations...... Oh, wait! I still only see her on the weekends and we text. Oh. So what's the difference... Effort, affection and interest. I'm calling a Spade a Spade. Like I said, I'm not mad but I'm not and won't believe that im being needy, making everything about me, not being understanding. In any case the more i think about mull over it i can feel myself becoming irritated and i dont want to have those feelings in my chest today. So i choosing to keep cool about the situation and keep my focus. What will be, will be. I have a business to run.

Thighs, Chocolate and... (Sunday)

2012-09-26T07:58:00.001-07:00

Last night was incredible. She was amazing

Ppl like me. You're sleep. (Sunday #2)

2012-09-23T14:21:00.001-07:00

She had the cutest look on her face a few minutes ago. I wish she held that look forever.

I'm fascinated by two peoples attraction to each other. A think that's a incredible dynamic. I'm most attracted to her when she's being sweet, communicative and nurturing to me.

I find you most internally sexy when your guard is down. And I'm not talking about when we are having sexy... You're a incredibly beautiful woman. You're perhaps thee most attractive woman I've seen but your BEAUTiFyL when your guard is down and trusting me with your words. That's true beauty to me... When a woman trust herself enough to know that she doesn't need a guard. THAT'S the type of woman I want to give my full heart to. That's the kind of women that I would give myself to. That's the kind of woman that keeps my attention, love and affection. That is the kind of woman that I want as my wife.

I watch you when you're sleep and less defensive and I think, 'she looks so peaceful laying next to me. I wonder if her heart I at peace.' I always like to pretend that it is...

Can you let down your guard long enough for me to love the sore and tender parts of your heart?

Trust Me

2012-09-18T14:15:00.001-07:00

You'd be wise to come see me today.

2012-09-16T14:22:00.001-07:00

As a unit this isnt working. I dont get it. I cause stress. No problem. No problem at all. The reason I dont talk about shit is because it's NEVER a good time.

I would, I'm not

2012-09-13T22:14:00.001-07:00

[verse 1]

I can be your beau in shining armor
if you would let me
And build you a mansion with my own hands
I will gladly slay the dragon for ya
But I no longer think I'm in your plans

I run into your walls hoping that you'd notice
But you seem to not have the time
I'll gladly be your Gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less about less than mine.

[chorus]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love

[verse 2]

I can be your champion in battle
But you won't even return my calls
You'll gladly leave me stranded
But you're still the first person i'd call.

So I doctor my own wounds just to keep you close
just to feel your heart beat next to mine
I'll gladly be your gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less than mine

[chorus ]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love

[Bridge]

What happened to the person I first met
So much passion and no regret
I would do anything for you
.
.
.
.

[chorus ]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love

Waiting, maybe not, no more

(NMS, ASCAP)

River

2012-09-13T00:24:00.001-07:00

So follow me

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll do the running for ya

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll move the mountains for ya

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'm here to keep you floating

Follow me, I'll be your River, River, River, River yea

If all you want are answers to your questions, and you can't seem to find no love for free
If you're looking for the right direction, then darling look for me

See I can make the load much lighter, I just need you to confide in me
but if you're too proud to follow Rivers, how are you ever going to find the sea?

-Emeli Sande

2012-09-12T09:03:00.001-07:00

I had a pretty good Sept. 11th yesterday. I didn't do much work and made a big effort to be around people. It was great. It's how I'll spend the next 9/11.

Spank Her Pussy... Jackson

2012-09-11T20:57:00.001-07:00

Go To The Mo

Lets go to the mo 4x
I get a little then I want a lot I get minute then I run The clock

See he be in it but barely hit ya spots so he don't get it now and Im
right up the block

So at this time make your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy
to put that fire out like right now

Know you can come what you been teasing gaurantee you
something bad now (bad now )thats right (thats right )

Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (already baby)
I swear the touch of ya body
on me (on me) got me feeling like im the one girl We should go

lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should ,WE SHOULD
lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that

Its, its getting crowded in here I want that to myself I didn't plan
on putting my hands on nobody else
we should go,we should go ,go some where

We should GO ,we should go up these stairs so at this time make
your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy to put that fire out
like right now

Know you can come but you been teasing Guarantee you
something bad now bad now thats right (thats right)
Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (all day) already baby
(Already baby)

I swear the touch of ya body on me got me feeling like im the one girl we should go

Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should we should
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that,like that

Ohh when a nigga aint here ohh im here oh when a nigga cant hit
it Im here oh when a nigga aint shit Im here oh
Open up the door around 6 im here (im here)

Lets go to the mo
May we should maybe we should
Lets go to the mo
Room six nine yeah
have the the neighbors listening
Lets go to the mo

Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should,we should go
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
have you cumin like that

Lets go to the mo 3x
What
Lets go to the mo 3x
What

(Jeremih, Def Jam)

Very Strange

2012-09-10T21:04:00.001-07:00

I can not handel him dying. I just can't. Just when I think I'm cool on death and that it's taken its rightful space then this shit happens. I'm not sure what to make of all this but I know that I don't want to hear "I'm over reacting, it's a normal part of life, or just deal with it." I'm concerned about him which makes me concerned about her. I guess I never thought about him being sick or dying. Mentally I've been so consumed with my mom dying, her health and trying to anticipate her death that other peoples death have etched more sadness and disbelieve on my heart and logic simply because I did not and haven't expected it.

2012-09-10T09:52:00.001-07:00

It's funny how the universe will set shit up to fuck with you. MAN, is that girl loved!

Truth...

2012-09-09T21:44:00.001-07:00

Truth...

I try too hard to keep the peace...
because: I know just how out of control I can be/get

Every since I saw my other side I've don't most of what Janine has suggested
because: I don't like that side of me.

I really do care
because: it's the right thing to do and I like seeing people happy

I really do try to help people because
because: I would want someone to help me if I needed

This glass is half empty
because: I'm tired of trying and I'm entitled to give up even if momentarily.

I'm getting close to stopping
because: the result I've been investing into I am not getting

I've pushed 92% of the ill thoughts I had out of my head... because: I care about you. I care about our dynamics. But: You're keeping up the same shit and: it is pushing me in the other direction. You've always tested me. I remained steady. You test me. I remain steady. You keep testing me and: I wont remain steady. I'm faithful in my heart. My chest hurts.
because: You fill in the blank.

I don't know.
because: because I am tired of know, thinking and keeping it together.

I just need some space.
because: I want space to act out and not be concerned for and about other people.

I need to me romanced. I need to be made love to.

I'm checking out . . . Here's my room key.

We should . . .Go to the Mo.