Utter Fuckery

Insignificant nonsense...

2013-10-16T16:13:00.002-07:00

So I've just done this test... (yeah yeah - insomnia, boredom) so I wont wang on with all my answers, but the last 2... 9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it ? 10. How will you cross the water? and the answers mean... 9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire. 10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life. My answers? 9. A stream 10. I jump So ummmm..... yeah... anyone got a number for the local convent? 6 months away and this is what I come back with?!?!??

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater

2013-04-26T11:20:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I've got this colleague, we'll call him Peter. Peter is the biggest buffoon I have ever met. Last week I had to give up my office to make way for a new staff member (unfair much!?), and now I am back in a shared office. Sitting next to Peter.

You know the phrase 'full of hot air', well Peter is the epitomy of this. He guffaws and chunters almost constantly, I suspect that indeed, he may actually be full of hot air. There can be no other explanation for the ungodly amount of noise that he makes.

When Peter isn't chuntering or guffawing, he is talking to himself. Loudly. He talks to himself in such a manner, that you know it's for show. It's an 'oh I'm so busy and I want the world to know it' not, talking himself quietly and methodically through what he needs to get done.

Not one incident can pass without over dramatisation. I've been sitting next to Peter for 5 days now, and I can not accurately articulate just how much he winds me up.

Peter winding me isn't a new phenomenon, he has always got on my tits, but previously when I've heard his bellowing and guffawing, I've been able to laugh it off and take the piss, but now, it's in my face, for 8 long, torturous hours a day.

Peter has a multitude of ridiculous phrases, which he trots out several times during the course of the day. I swear, Ricky Gervais could have used Peter as inspiration for David Brent.

When entering the office 'Hallo Peeps' (huge emphasis on both words) We work in an office, not some low budget afternoon game show.

When leaving the office 'Sees yah' (again, huge emphasis on both words, usually accompanied by some overly gestured wave.

Peter is the kind of person that will ring you and say 'Sorry to catch you on the hop' Erm, firstly, how do you know that the person on the other end of the phone is hopping?! Secondly, if you were really sorry, you wouldn't be bloody phoning them!

Spank you instead of thank you - this Isn't just once, it's every. Single. Time.

Belt and Braces. He likes to use this to let you know that he has covered every eventuality. Invariably, he hasn't.

When a situation arises where bad news has to be given to a customer, he like to say 'Shall we play this one good cop bad cop?' No Peter, we aren't on an American cop show, and I have no desire to play anything with you. Unless he suggests a game of chicken, which I would happily watch him play.

Every instruction given to Peter will be responded to with 'clear as mud'. He thinks this is really funny. Like, REALLY funny. Is isn't.

Today, Peter asked what would we do if he got hit by a bus. My response? 'Celebrate'. I was being deadly serious. Peter laughed.

There are many thing that I would like to say to you....

2013-04-22T06:57:00.002-07:00

Here are just a few of the random thoughts that I wish I could actually just say to people, mostly at work, where I am wound up on an almost hourly basis by various people.

I do think at least one day a week, we should all just be able to say what we want, to whom, with no repercussion. Don't you think it would be cathartic? I'm going to suggest Thursdays

'You great lummox, it's 'out' not 'aht'

I loath a broad Derby accent with a passion, it's such a lazy way to talk.

'You're probably thoroughly insulated and therefore not in need of any extra layers'

To anyone complaining about being cold. Including myself.

'I'm fine thanks, as I was the last 4 times you asked me'

Is there ever any need to ask someone more than once if they are alright? I think not.

'Your bum gets better every day.... please spend more time walking past my window'

Just don't wear a diamond earring when you do it.

'There is never any need to get that close to me. Pipe the fuck down'

Invasion of personal space by a colleague is a big fucking deal. Move. Away.

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

In Kristen Wiig voice, several times throughout everyday, to several people

'Did you cut your hair with gardening shears?'

I think the standard with haircuts should be, compliment if you actually like, ignore if you don't. On this one though, I was asked outright for my opinion.

'Just fucking listen to me'

to my son, all day, every day. Kids. Meh.

'I can see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is bla bla bla'

To people that talk for the sake of it, I think we all know them, hey, some may even say I am one of them!

' Walk into my office singing one more time and I will launch a heavy object at your head.'

Self explantory. Just stop being such a dick.

'Oh look, you've updated your employment on Facebook to 'Yummy Mummy at Mummies R Us', what a grade A c*nt you are'

This doesnt make you cutesy, or mumsy, it just makes you cuntsy. See also writing status' about potty training. No one else cares.

'Nudge my chair as you walk past me one more time and I shall break your face.'

I suppose I should point out that I don't advocate violence, nor do I really know how to break someone's face.

Needless to say, I am irritated.

The one where you realise that your life has turned to shit...

2013-04-21T13:11:00.001-07:00

And that no-one really cares...

Ok, that could be a slight over dramatisation, but actually, it's probably more accurate than you think. That in itself is a sad admission.

So here I am again, another weekend, spent alone, wondering exactly when things got so go damn lonely? I've been on a downward spiral since before Christmas, and I really need it to stop. Over the last two weeks particularly, I have recognised that I've been making bad decisions, and to combat this, I've been retreating to my bed. That isn't healthy. Especially when I want to stay there, all the time. To get up every day, is a struggle, and something that you just have to get over when you have a child to look after. I don't want him to look back on his teenage years and only remember his mum being in bed and crying.

You may think I am being dramatic, but really, I'm not, even my friends would rather socialise with pensioners. You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.

I still miss Jenny, it comes and goes, but recently I feel like I am being hit with waves of emotion, and the smallest things remind me of her, and they overwhelm and consume me, and I wish for just one moment that life could rewind to when we were 17 and we could both do things differently. Would different choices have led us to be friends again? Perhaps not, who knows.

As for work, well, it's not even worth writing about so far fetched and ridiculous it has got. However, I'm taking steps to rectify that, and fully intend to throw myself into my next project entirely, I need to regain focus, and have something to aim for. Will I succeed? I bloody hope so.

This has been Nicola Mackenzie, feeling VERY sorry for herself, and I hope that next time I write, I shan't be.

Dear Facebook....

2013-02-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Social networks are brilliant. You can catch up with people without having to actually talk to them, and keep up with current affairs with minimal effort. You can also get annoyed. Incredibly annoyed. There are many social media trends which wind me up to f*ck, and I am going to share my top 5 with you. I know what you'll be thinking, just leave Facebook/Twitter, but, for all its foibles, it's useful, and where else am I going to share picture of my cats!

This list is not exhaustive, and in no particular order. If you do any of these things, don't be offended, be smug in the knowledge that each time you do them, you are pissing me off, and that really, I'm the one with the issue.

Food pictures. Unless it looks mouthwatering, and as though created by Michel Roux Jr, then you're just showing yourself up. Stop it. Same applies for cups of tea/coffee. Seriously, they all look the same, and though I have been guilty of this one myself on more than one occasion, glasses of wine. Just bore off with that. Taking pictures of gin in a tin is a different matter entirely. Classy people drink cocktails in a can, and this is something which should be celebrated.

Girls 'marrying' each other on Facebook, and referring to each other as 'Wifey'. What are you? 12? The only statement that this makes, is that you're a bit of a dick.

Talking about how 'perfect' your life is. Look, secretly, we all want people to think we've got our shit together, and that we all lead perfect lives. That simply isn't true though. If life was that great, you'd be living it, not vicariously sharing it with anyone who will listen.

Which leads me nicely to 'I love my iccle wiccle family/husband/pet goat. We get it ok, and frankly, no-one really cares. Start going through some marital strife, and sharing it, then we'll pay attention. Got to love a good episode of Facebook-enders.

Ambiguous statuses followed by 'I can't talk about it on here'. Well don't then! You absolute Geoffrey.

And lastly, these breast cancer emails. Tell me what colour knickers you are wearing and then we can both feel good about ourselves for promoting breast cancer? Someone please explain to me, by using fruit as an analogy for your relationship status, how are you raising awareness of breast cancer? You are only raising awareness that you are a bit of a plum.

Please do share with me what irritates you, unless of course it's people blogging about what annoys them on social networks.

The one where I talk about grief.

2012-11-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

grief/grēf/

Noun:

Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.
Trouble or annoyance.

Or... as I like to call it, the worst feeling in the world. That feeling that , even when things are going well, is always there, always with me. That huge Jenny shaped whole in my life that just can not be filled. It's been 366 days (it was a leap year) since that awful night when, with no official confirmation, I knew that life would never be the same again. People say that time heals, but I disagree. Time merely allows you the ability to cope better with your emotions, and compartmentalise them, it does not heal. When you lose someone that you dearly love, I do not believe that you heal from that loss.

Over the last year, I've learnt that grief is not an emotion in itself, it's a spectrum, that brings with it a vast amount of other emotions, and the times at which you experience them, have no rhyme or reason. I've felt the deepest of anger, guilt, sadness, and on the flipside, my happiness is skewed, because of the out of kilterness of my other emotions. I am sure I could have put that more eloquently... however, I digress. The hardest thing about grief, is not having the opportunity to the tell the person that matters the most, the things that they really need to hear. That's what saddens me the most, the things unsaid, that we assume people know, so never take the time to actually put into words. I suppose the only thing that I have learned, is that there is never a bad time to tell someone how much they mean to you.

Internet Dating - a whole new world of fuckery...

2012-05-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, I decided to take a wander into the world of internet dating. I've been there before, and it was so good that it made an entry into Crap Dates (available in all good bookshops). I know friends that have done it, and found boyfriends, and husbands. With nothing to lose, I decided to sign up to a free site. I was registered for just over two weeks, and can hand on heart say, it is not for me, and I shan't be doing it again. I have never had so many short conversations in such a short space of time, with so many different people. I was receiving up to 50 messages a day, which provided a great deal of entertainment at work! Some regular, some quite blatantly cut and pasted to everyone, and some downright rude. I realised that there are a lot of single angry people out there. I lost count of the number of profiles that I read where all people did was list what they were not looking for, and talk about how fucked up women are. I have been assured by the few seemingly sane men that I spoke to, that most women's profiles were the same. How can you possibly hope to attract someone by being so negative from the start? I really could talk about it all day long, it's just a minefield of fuckery, fuckery that I just can't my head around. A friend and I came up with a theory a few years ago, that if you reached your late 20's without ever being in a serious relationship, then you were flawed, however, if you had been, and came out the other side, you were damaged goods, and I hate to admit it, but from those 2 weeks, I'd say we got it spot on. I'm at a point in my life where I would like to meet someone, and dare I say it, even settle down, but I don't think, for me, that the internet is the place to find it...

Having a go at someone because they don't put 'x' on the end of a message? Completely rational of course, I was a little disappointed in this one, up until he said he was a gypsy he seemed relatively normal.

I'm not sure that a waxwork of MC Harvey exists, but if it does, this is it. There is no way that this is a photo of a real person.

I'm just an everyday guy, that doesn't want you to see my face... No, I am sure there is no predatory reason behind that at all.

Traditional 'having a conversation with yourself' syndrome here. I know, I really missed out on this one. I don't even think I was online when these messages were sent.

Self explanatory - I only wish you could see the accompanying photograph, the man had sexual assault written through him like a stick of rock.

Back to the drawing board....

Mum of the Year...?

2012-03-02T03:57:00.000-08:00

Sorry Mums, it's your turn today. Now, I am a mum myself of course, but I am not the kind of mum I am talking about here. I am sure we all know these type of woman, so enamoured are they by their precious little darling, that they feel it necessary to share precious little darlings every waking move. Well, sorry mumzilla's but I am not interested. I don't care if darling Percy just recreated the Sistine chapel in his bowl of muesli & freshly foraged berries, nor if Jacinta is reciting 1 to 10 in French, whilst pirouetting across the floor in such a way that Darcy Bussell is quaking in her pointe shoes, all at the tender age of 9 months. I am not saying you shouldn't enjoy these moments, you absolutely should, the pertinent word there being 'you'. If you continue bombarding your social networking sites several times a day with this drivel, our friendship, be it online or real life, shall soon be terminated. As an aside, if your children are that talented, I'd pop out a couple more and make sure you are set up for early retirement.

Moving swiftly on, I was disappointed yesterday when the Mum of the Year nominees were announced to see that I, again, had not made the list. There are a few names on the list, where yes, I suppose, if some dimwit somewhere needs a mum figure in the public eye to look up to, then these are acceptable. However, there are some names that really should not be on that list. First and foremost? Peaches Geldof. Wow, look at her, carrying a child, and erm, yeah, thats it, it's not even born, so it's a stupid nomination. STUPID.

Speaking of stupid, Chloe Sims? Would this be the same Chloe Sims that was seen on TV last week discussing that her 6 year old daughter has 4 blackberrys? And this week saying that she is happy for her to have plastic surgery? Christ, let the poor love grow up before you force that body dysmorphia, from which Chloe clearly suffers, down her throat. What happened to children being children?

Next up we have Natalie Cassidy. Natalie Cassidy, that last year severed ties with father of her daughter for assaulting her with a mascara wand and a slipper and is now reconciling with aforementioned alcoholic wand brandishing slipper beater? What an example to set to people, best of all, your own daughter.

Denise Welsh - Another stellar example of an amazing mother - I mean, what 10 year boy doesn't want to see him mum in the press with her saggy tatas continually on display? It really does show how much she puts her kids first doesn't it? Natasha Giggs too, was clearly putting the needs of her children first when she spent 10 years fucking their uncle, and then going on to tell the world about it. Not embarrassing for them at all I bet!

I could go on, but I feel my point is made. These people should not be looked up to as shining beacons of how to be the perfect muvva, anything but, they are the absolute anti-thesis. If anything, collectively they should be writing a book 'how to be a shit parent'. I am not saying everyone should be perfect, far from, and I am most definitely not. However, what I get up to in my private time is exactly that, private.

It's February... how the hell did that happen?

2012-02-06T23:40:00.001-08:00

And the winner of the lamest blogger in January goes to..... Drumroll please....

Yes, of course, it's me.

A whole month has passed, and what have I been doing? Well, here a brief (90 minutes later, it is not that brief - cheers blogger) synopsis by the medium of the photographic picture.

I laughed at some stuff...

Facebook dropped heavy hints that it wants me to hook up with some hot religious guys..

I've not given it much thought, but it's always an option.

Speaking of all things lovelife related, a book was published about crap dates, funnily enough, it is called Crap Dates, and yes, if you turn to page 110, yours truly features, quite pleased about that, never been in a book before!

I got breakfast in bed... in the loosest possible sense....

Groupon announced a deal, you could get a marmite print for £20... I made one for free, I bet you could too. It doesn't have to be Marmite, I'm not condimentist.

I watched some TV.. this crank with a face like well baked leather tried to teach me facial exercises on GMTV.

If it makes you look like that, I will give it a miss thanks.

Yes, I do still call it GMTV, and I strongly believe that you should too.

I also watched the Jeremy Kyle Show. What a pair of beauties they are, really make me believe in true love.

I missed what was possibly the best round of Countdown ever...

I did my geography homework. I haven't got my mark yet, but I bet it will be awesome. I often wonder why I didnt enjoy homework when I was actually at school as much as I do completing my sons instead...

A lot of time was spent looking at my kitten, ain't she cute? Lets face it, if something this cute was in your life, you'd spend a lot of time watching her too (and taking photos and videos).

Every day I think about my beautiful friend, and how much I miss her.

I read up on grief a lot, because I don't think I am very good at it. I also spend a lot of time listening to a playlist specifically full of songs that remind me of her which make me cry. Then I read things like this, and I dont feel so bad for still being so upset.

I got a certificate in work.

I honestly believe people would work harder if certificates like this were more common place. I also think there is a place in every work environment for medals, and badges.

I had a massive clearout, and found what was once my favourite bag. It cost a lot of money, and its hideous. I have questionable taste.

Then there was the weather, I spent a whole Saturday waiting for a tree to blow down.

It didn't.

The snow came, as did all the obligatory tweets and facebook updates about it. So I took a lot of photos. This one is my favourite.

Ewan built a snowman.

When I came home from work the next day, there was no snowman, but there was a note, and what was supposed to look like blood in the snow.. my son has a macabre sense of humour.

Lastly, I celebrated my birthday in January. I celebrated it in bed. On my own. Being sick. All day. Thats fine, it means it didn't count, and I am still 31.

Finally, today, my birthday present arrived.

Hello new healthy lifestyle.... maybe.

Zelebrity Fitness Fuckery

2012-01-04T07:48:00.001-08:00

Two blogs in one day? Like the ambassador, I really am spoiling you. Todays real rant is about 'Celebrity (and I use that term loosely) Fitness DVD's.

These days, your not anybody until you've got a fitness DVD out, and I just think it takes the piss!! You can't watch anything without some vapid twat popping up to tell you that with thier routine they managed to turn thier flabby gut from fat to fab. Only, it's bollocks isnt it. None of these women ever managed to transform thier figures by these stupid DVDs alone, so why are they allowed to purport that they are?!

Kerry Katona, Hannah Waterman, Jennifer Ellison, Natalie Cassidy, Colleen Nolan, Jessie Wallace, Christine Bleakley, Geri Halliwell, the list goes on and on and on.

Of course Kerry Katona was going to lose weight, not living on a diet of kebabs chips and currys and also going to intensive bootcamps will do that for you.

Hannah Waterman and Natalie Cassidy have both since come forward to say that they hated being thin as thier DVD body, and the maintenance was too much.

I am convinced, that these dozy mares pile on the pounds on purpose, just so they can like the caterpillar from the chrysalis emerge as a beautiful butterfly, ready to show thier new marvellousness to the world.

Apparently Crissy Rock is going to be doing one.. surely it will only be 2 minutes long, as thats all it takes to say 'go into the jungle and dont eat for 3 weeks, the pounds will fall off'.

Don't even get me started on the silly bints with eating disorders that bring them out - Geri Body Yoga anyone? Body yoga?! Is there any other kind?! And as for Jordan and her juicing diet?! Of course you are going to be the size of a rake if you subsitute meals for juice, its common bloody sense.

I really can't understand the sort of person that gets drawn into this web, and actually purchases these items? It's simple... want to lose weight.. eat less, move more.

Now where did I put those chocolate digestives....

2011... Thank you and fuck you.

2011-12-30T13:36:00.001-08:00

Well, it's that time of year, we all roll out the cliches, yeah, next year is going to be the best ever! Woooo let's all high five. What if it isn't though? What if, completely out of your control, your whole world cataclysmicly implodes? How do you get over that? No really, how? 2011 has been the worst year for me, ever. Believe me, there have been a few contenders. The difference between those years and this, is, that when things went wrong before, I was instrumental to that, I made the wrong choices, I fucked up, I learnt from it.

In February, I nearly lost my sister, after a long hospital battle, she is fine, and it's amazing that she's still here, but it doesn't take away the horrendous moment when a doctor tells you that he's basically fighting to keep alive someone you'd been talking to less than an hour before. That's something I shall never get over, ever. However, she's alive, she's doing well, and I'm grateful.

I've also lost my best friend 5 weeks ago, and that's something I know I won't recover from. The pain and the anger that I feel can not be put into words, nor can the huge hole in my life that's been left. The regrets, and guilt I feel will stay with me. There is nothing anyone can say that will change the way I currently feel.

I know in time, that the cliches that people keep saying to me will actually become reality, but at the moment, thats all they are, cliches.

Thats not to say this year has been all bad, it's had its good parts too, it's just that I am finding it difficult to focus on them at the moment. However, I know that I can not continue moping, and that the new year is a new start, where I shall attempt to be me again, and actually live my life rather than just exist. I know that the only person that can make me feel better is me.

Merry Fucking Christmas

2011-12-20T03:52:00.000-08:00

Apologies once again for the fuckery hiatus (for those of you that actually give a fuck) one of my closest friends passed away 3 weeks ago, and to say I am devastated doesn't even come close.

However, I shall endevour to blog more next year, what a little treat that will be for one and all.... if I have any readers left by then....

Until then, I shall leave you with this....

It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...

2011-11-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

Rebecca Black you little.. no, must not call a child a bitch.. ok, Rebecca Blacks mother, you little bitch, why oh why did you ever let your daughter record a song? It's stuck in my head and will not go away! If you're reading this, and know the song, I hope it sticks with you for the day too. I don't see why I should be alone in my plight. I suppose it could be worse, I was singing the Fireman Sam theme tune the other day, obviously, because you can not ignore, Sam is the hero next door.

Anyway.... moving swiftly on, Sepp Blatter is a prick isn't he! And fairly obviously corrupt - can't they just get rid of him? Stupid little man.

Back on the driving thing again, and I apologise, but there are so many driving related things that wind me up, today, it's crawler lanes. Not the lane itself, but the people that can not use them. Don't drive up the right hand lane at a snails pace and expect me not to beep and gesticulate at you, just move in and get out my fucking way! You could tell me I sound like an aggressive driver, and of course I would stick 2 fingers up and tell you to fuck off.. Aggressive? Me? Never.

Have you watched Eastenders recently? I did it last night. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back. I am pretty sure it was the same episode as last time I watched it.. Kat cheated on Alfie, gave the dirty girl speech. All very sad. Janine had an argument with Fat Pat, told Pat she felt she'd never been loved. All very sad. Phil Mitchell did some crimes. Feels remorseful, all very sad. Michael Moon is a mixed up wee child. All very sad. Recurring theme here? Why do people watch this tripe? Why do we pay for this tripe? Can it and give me an extra series of Frozen Planet. Eastenders will just never be a patch on Corrie.

And lastly... did you get excited yesterday by the launch of Versace for H&M? If you did, please explain to me, why? Now I am no fashionista, I know what looks good on me, and I tend to stick to it. I do know however, when a collection is full of crap. To me, that's exactly what this was. A massive ploy to rip off desperate consumers, whilst making them look like complete idiotic sheep. Seriously, if tacky is your thing, get down to your local indoor market, there are plenty of stalls that will give you a very similar look for a fraction of the price. Just because something is pricey, does not automatically mean it looks good. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are one or two items which are alright, but I for one can not get excited about it. I was watching LK today (or whatever it's called now) on Wednesday, and Lorraine and Mark Heyes were practically orgasming over a black Versace dress. It was a joke. Go purchase yourself a regular black shift dress, next visit the haberdashers for some oversize gold buttons, sew them to previously purchased shift dress - job done, the same look for a fraction of the price. I couldn't view the whole collection as the H&M site was down for most of the day, but I did come across this little beauty.

If you see any man wearing this ensemble, I implore you to point and laugh. If he looks too offended, just go and shake his hand. If it works for Sepp Blatter.......

What's getting on my tits this week....

2011-11-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Hello fuckery fans, what can I say? I am a bad blogger! None of this 3 blogs a day lark plus 90 tweets a day to tell you about it from me!

Quality, not quantity. Or, in this case, neither, just neurotic rambling from moi!

Well, you’re here now, you might as well find out whats been annoying me this week.

Numero uno! Drivers with their fog lights on when its not fucking foggy! A light drizzle of rain should not impede your vision whilst driving. If it does, may I suggest you rescind your driving license and get on a fucking bus instead.

2. Christmas countdowns. Highly unnecessary, utterly annoying, just shut the fuck up. We all know when Christmas is, it’s the same date every year regardless. Always has been, more than likely always will be. For those that do struggle, there’s even an advent calendar to help you countdown the days. I know people get excited about it, me too, I freaking love Christmas, but, I love Christmas on Christmas day, not any other day, I don’t spend months getting excited about it, and I’d really like others to stop to. Talk to me in December. Oh, and put your decorations up before 1st December?? I will never speak to you again, because frankly, you are an idiot.

3. Derby City Council. What a bunch of complete and utter cockends. Derby City Council are strapped for cash. So strapped for cash that they are culling services for those that need them desperately, disabled people, the elderly etc. Closing day centres, care homes, respite facilities, basically, taking away services from those that really need it, and unlike lazy dole-ite bastards, actually do rely on council funding. Nice to know then, in this darkened period of austerity, that we are paying for some lovely plush new offices for the cockends, from our council tax. Also nice to know, that’s we are all paying for Gareth Gates to switch on our Christmas lights this year. Gareth fucking Gates!?? Whoever came up with this idea, you are a complete moron. Why the fuck does anyone want to see a reject from a talent show 10 years ago switch the lights on?? I’d love to know how much we’re wasting on that!

And lastly, soggy lettuce in sandwiches. It’s just fucking unnecessary. M&S if you can’t keep it crisp and fresh, get it the fuck out of your sandwiches.

So, that’s not bad really, only 4 things that got on my tits enough for me to rant.

Ciao bellas

They were married for how long...

2011-11-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hello fuckerists

I decided that as Kylie has her ‘lovers’, Gaga has her ‘monsters’, Nicole Sherblabla has ‘killers’ and Rihanna has a ‘Navy’, I deserve a name for my (non-existent) band of followers. HELLO FUCKERISTS… kinda catchy don’t you think?? Obvs if it’s good enough for world famous popstars, it’s good enough for me. No? Oh well, tough, it’s staying.

So, everyone is talking about Kim Kardishitwat and her 72 days ‘marriage’… why? Who is she? What does she do? Sweet tit all from what I can see, I think I caught 30 seconds of that Kardashitwat show once. That was enough. I’ve had more interesting catnaps. It just further highlights this celeb culture we live in, where people of no discernible talent are worshipped, and to be honest, I really can’t work out why. Tamara Ecclestone is the next rich twat about to be given a TV show. Why?? Really, why? If you know the answer, or know someone else that does, please let me know. I couldn’t give a fuck about some little rich girl who has never had a care in her life about anything. It’s great that her father made his millions in F1 or whatever, but she hasn’t gone anything, so Tamara, fuck off.

I had been meaning to write about X Factor too.. but the only thing that comes to mind is ‘what a sack of shit’. It’s just really not very good is it. I mean, there isn’t anyone on it that screams talent… mind you, when was the last time there was? Louis’s category is just a joke. Johnny is a nice guy, and I’m sure there is a future for him in PA’s at gay clubs, but I can not see it going further than that. As for Kitty, words fail me – James Harries long lost sister??? It’s all in the eyes! Surely anyone watching Katie Weasel last year would realise that that brooding intense ‘this is my life’ shit does nothing for the great British public. Bring back Darius Danesh, because I can still feel the love in the room.

Lastly, it’s been announced today that Hugh Grant has spawned. All that hoo haa about privacy laws making sense now? Thought so.

Until next time fuck fans.

xx

Fuckery hiatus....

2011-10-26T14:35:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, there are a few fuckery issues occurring in my life at the moment, and every time I go to write, these things come to the forefront of my mind. They're not issues I can blog about, so until I get over them, I'll be keeping schtum - or Schaumburg, which is what my iPhone would like me to write. The hiatus will probably end soon, whether that's a good or bad thing remains to be seen.

X

P.s What is Schaumburg??!

A whole week of fuckery.

2011-10-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

Hello. I've been ill. Not seriously ill, but enough to make me feel incredibly sorry for myself and wallowsome. That doesn't mean I want pity or concern from anybody else though. When I speak like a cross between an alsatian and Deirdre Barlow, looking at me an saying 'aw' or expressing any form of sympathy may well result in a punch in the face. Just so you know, for next time. Anyway, my dulcet un-Mariella Frostrup-esque tones are back to normal now. Which is nice, because it means I wont have people ringing me up just to tell me how husky and sexy I sound. I shit you not, and of course, one of these people was the cretin from my creepy colleague blog which can be found here

Help Harry Help Others...

2011-10-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

I can not do my regular ranty thing today, my thoughts are consumed by Harry Moseley.
If you don't know, he is a wee boy, aged 11, with an inoperable brain tumour. Harry set up his own business, selling bracelets, to make money for cancer research. Such a completely selfless act, in the face of adversity, this strong young man thought only of helping others in his position. Harry has made his final journey home, to spend his last days with his family this morning. The last tweet from his mum said he was still going strong. What a brave brave little soldier. If you read this, please take a minute to read www.twitter.com/harry_moseley and then look at his website, www.helpharryhelpothers.com please give, even just £2 to help Harry, and others like him, whose lives are being taken far too soon. Keep fighting Harry, I have every faith in you kid. xxx

Zeleb red carpet 'fashion'.....

2011-10-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

I've just been scanning the red carpet pics from the Pride of Britain awards tonight, by jove there are some horrors. There were a few frights to be seen at the soap awards last week too.. Here are my pick of the worst. I'm lifting these pics directly from the Daily Fail... dunno if thats allowed... time will tell!!

First up.... the reason I am writing this blog tonight... AMY CHILDS. Lets just take a minute to observe...

Any words? Anyone? No? Shall we start with what the fuck? Again Ms Childs has decided to hang the dress off of her tatas, has she not realised yet that this is a terrible look?? Get that dress hoiked up love. Perhaps she needs to display her tatas to detract from the horrific cut and colour of the dress. Now, what the hell is going on with her face? It's as if shes put loose powder under her eyes to catch shadow, then forgot to remove it, she looks caspars long lost eyebag twin. The rest of her obviously can not be compared to Caspar, permatan Ronseal Mahogany as stantard. Lastly, the eyes, dead as usual... In short, she looks fucking awful. (Don't worry, not all the comments will be this long).

BRONAGH WAUGH

There is literally nothing that can be said about the hair. It is what it is. (thats bloody awful btw). Oh Bronagh, your not a big girl, but you do not dress well. Bum cleavage is never a good look. NEVER. Lift, and seperate... try it! Shiny tights? Really?? Surely its about time they banned these from sale apart from in profressional dance shops... if you are not appearing on Strictly, you should not be wearing them.

CARLY STENSON

Carly love, the 90's called, they want their clothes back. The dip died hair may have just about been pulled off, if it wasnt in that dreadful style, and the dress? Really!?! Maybe Carly has magic mirrors in her house...

DENISE AND CHUMS

They must have really pissed off thier stylists - Andrea, you are not at the Oscars. Denise, cover up your potato knees. Lisa, I am confused... you appear to be wearing a young boys PE shorts... and it does not look good.

HILARY DEVEY

In the same way that no-one wants to see Denise Welchs knees, no-one wants to see your saggy tatas Hilary, at your age, you really should have some decorum.

CHELSEE HEALEY (?)

Who invited Lil Kim to the soap awards!?!?!

UNA SATURDAY (Of course that's her real surname)

Just goes to show you, black satin looks good on no-one! Another thing that should be banned.

The unfortunate thing is, that all of the above could look stunning, in the right ensemble, with the right hair and make-up, so how do they all get it so wrong?? Fuckery club of rogue stylists? I'd put money on it....

And finally...

DANNY MAC

Yeah, so nothing wrong with what he is wearing, nothing at all! He's just a fine specimen of a man, and I thought it would be a nice end to this post!

Welfare State Fuckery and looking like a twat... again.

2011-10-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

I started writing this particular post about 5 days ago.. distractions of a social life, a broken laptop, and the fact that I know as I am writing I am ranting uncontrollably have hindered me somewhat. Broken laptop, haha, there's some fuckery if ever there was. One night last week, my laptop announced with a crackle and pop that it no longer wanted to play, and died. I switched it back on, the same thing happened. Went for a 3rd attempt, same result. I didn't want to break her any further, so I placed her in a soft warm dry place to keep her safe until I could go and see the man in the know. Yesterday was that day. Took the laptop in, explained the story, with slight colouration of the cheeks, as this chap already has another one of my laptops, which he is trying to source a replacement keyboard for (how was I to know she wouldn't enjoy being doused in wine as much as I do!?!) So without further ado, he opens her up, switches her on, and we wait..... and we wait..... so what exactly seems to be the problem?? She works!!! It's like the second coming of Christ! For me anyway! Of course, now I look like a complete and utter fucknut in a shop full of people, taking something in for repair which clearly works! One day, I will get through a full 24 hours without making a twat of myself.

So Ed Miliband spoke to the nation this week, told us that Britain was ‘rewarding the wrong people with the wrong values’. In a nutshell, yes, and who started this fuckery? That’s right, Ed’s band of merry men, admittedly they were following a different piper at the time. I really dislike the Britain that we live in today, it makes me really sad to see so many children growing up with the same mentalities that their parents have instilled into them. There are far too many families in this country sponging off the state, soaking up our taxes, and for what? A flatscreen TV and endless re-runs of Jeremy Kyle? Yes, you dole bludgers, I am angry with you, and angry with whoever made you think that its acceptable to just do nothing with your life other than pop out children like a fucking machine gun. I do appreciate that benefits are in a lot of cases, necessary, and that there are genuinely times when people are unable to find work and do need support. Similarly, there are people that have never worked a day in their lives, and never intend to. I seriously believe that you can not afford to support a child by yourself then you should not be allowed to have one. I know that goes against all the human rights namby pamby rubbish that we are forcefed on a regular basis, but frankly, I do not care. I can’t imagine ever not encouraging my son to be the best that he can be, which I imagine can not happen in a lot of these households. Children having babies at the ripe old age of 14/15 is a far too common occurrence in this country, and having had a child when I was a teenager myself, I feel that I am equipped to speak on this subject. Whilst there may be children that at that age are more emotionally able to raise a child, I would put money on the fact that the majority are not. I know I wasn’t. There are still times when I think I am not. The one thing that sets me apart from a lot of these people is that I work. I always have. I have not always wanted to, but I knew that I had to provide for my son, that I wanted to live in a nice area, that I wanted to be proud of myself, and that if I had taken the easy route of state handouts, I would not be, in fact, I would be downright ashamed of myself. I know I am not the only person that’s annoyed with these lazy bastards, in fact, I should think that most working, tax paying citizens are annoyed. Why are the government not doing something to stop this scourge?! Make people work for benefits, community service etc, it would certainly separate the wheat from the chaff, most genuine claimants would more than likely not mind this, as they are already in the work mindset, and surely also, would help people’s moral if they were made redundant, having a sense of purpose, whilst job hunting. Any political party wanting my vote really has to make a stand against these disgraceful people. Things come to easily to those that are least deserving, and it's about time that changed. We, the worker of 'Great' Britain, should be rewarded, if for reasons beyond our control, we are no longer working, then yes, we should be entitled to help, but those who have never contributed to the system? Fuck off. It's akin to theft. Get off your lazy arse, get out there, get a job and make your children proud, give them something to aspire to, and if not, at least stop shagging, keep your legs closed and make your contribution that way. I could go off on a tangent now, about the 'justice system, but I think I'll save that rant for another day.

Michael Fish & his gang of merry liars...

2011-09-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I am on adverts, again, but, someone please explain to me what the fucking fuck the Toyota adverts are all about?? 'Got a machine that makes pasta' Fuck off. Just fuck off. Cars don't make pasta you complete cockend. Cars don't have anything to do with pasta. It's so ridiculous, and ultimately, extremely annoying.

Anyway, this Indian summer is a bit of alright isn't it..... erm, yeah, it's just like any other September. Fucking miserable. We all know what Septembers are like, it's not the first one we have lived through, so why do people keep going on about the bastard weather!? Nothing else to talk about? Talk about the weather. No, nothing else to talk about? Keep it shut. How can Indian Summer be a trending topic on twitter? Do people really have so little going on in their lives? I personally think that the weather presenters all have little get-togethers where they decide to play tricks on us, knowing that September is a really rubbishy month, decided it would be hilarious to whip us all up into a frenzy by promising sun and warmth. Fuck reading/watching/listening to the weather, I find, looking out the window or venturing outside to be the best method of finding out whats going on out there.

Did we all watch X Factor this weekend? Don't you think that Kitty girl just needs to fuck off? I am pretty certain I saw A LOT of her vajayjay last night, more than once. It's quite sad really, that she thinks the only way she can get noticed is to dress like a slapper and flash her fandola. She's quite clearly another Katie Weasel, and we all hated her, don't these people watch the previous shows and learn?? As for that Goldie one? I have no words, just proves my suspicions of Louis Walsh are correct, he is a complete cocknocker, and is also tone deaf. That said, I will still be watching every week, because I love a circus.

Lastly, just because I am watching Corrie, Leanne Barlow has a mouth like a cats bum preserved in vinegar, and Rosie Webster a model? Fuck off. To coin Zoolander, a model idiot.

Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my Fuckery....

2011-09-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

because I have been to bloody busy to write anything! Apologies fuckfans, but I am back with you now. Hurrah hurrah!

Well I am a bit late with this, but how bloody boring was Downton Abbey??? I was disappointed, it could have easily been fit into an hour. The only saving grace, was Dame Maggie Smith and her fab one-liners. For that reason, I will be watching again, but if Rob James Collier doesn't get his kit off soon, I will be really upset! At the very least he needs more airtime. A lot more airtime. When they killed off his character in Corrie, I was devastated... less said about my Corrie obsession the better. Moving swiftly on.....

Can anyone explain 'fun fur' to me?? There is nothing fun about it, it looks shite. I got an email fro ASOS the other day, look at the bloody state of it! If I wanted to look like a twat, I'd just write TWAT on my head and be done with it.

I am laughing at that photo, its ludicrous, she looks stupid. If I see anyone wearing these fun fur armwarmers, I will laugh in their face. Eejits.

My last little rant is about the DVLA. Have you ever tried to contact them by phone? I do not recommend it. Talk about frustrating. No less than 4 minutes 19 seconds of options before I could actually speak to someone, and that was my second attempt. Total fuckery. Have people not come to the realisation yet that these automated pick an option robots serve one purpose and one purpose only - to wind people up. Fair enough to pick the department you need, but to press 1 if a document is with you, 2 if it is not!? Bloody hell, if your phone operators cant ask that then they really need to be in another job.

I was going to write a bit about Beverley Callard and her pals getting thier kit off in protest at ageism in TV, but I just can't find the words. Utter Fuckery.

2011-09-19T04:54:00.000-07:00

Filled with fuckery...

Downton Abbey - boring

ASOS - 'fun fur' accessories

the phrase 'fun fur'

Old gits in the DM stripping off.

Dale Farm

Fashion Fuckery, Jacko, and a Slanket

2011-09-14T14:08:00.001-07:00

Hello fuckery fans... yes I am talking to myself.. really need to do something about that... anyway.. first up, strapless dresses.. more specifically, strapless dresses strategically hanging from nipples.. It's a trend that I just do not understand, whether on overinflated funbags, or totally deflated a la Ms. Moss, it just looks awful. Hoik those dresses up to where they belong, and you will look a damn sight better. Perhaps don't drag yourself through a bush backwards too Kate, every little helps.

Whilst on the subject of 'fashion', Hilary Alexander, Fashion Director at the Telegraph was spotted at LFW looking like a fucking hobo, in cheetah print baseball boots. I'll be damned if someone who wears shoes likes that is going to influence what I wear. Fucking bag lady.

Jermaine Jackson has been doing the rounds again, trying to vilify Michael and telling us not to listen to any of the nasty things that will be said about him in the coming weeks. Anyone that can name thier child 'Jermasjesty' is a complete and utter fucknut, and as such, should not be listened to. What a complete bunch of loons that family are. I do hope that now they aren't being forced to wear masks and dangled from balconies, his children have a somewhat more normal upbringing. Jermajesty, I mean really! I don't think I will ever get over that one!

Lastly, I am bloody bastard freezing. I am actually shivering. I refuse to put the heating on though, in fact, I am going to attempt to get through the winter without it. There is no way I am paying 18% more than last year just so those robbing bastards at British Gas can swell the coffers even further. How they can justify increasing prices when they are making such huge profits is beyond me, its not as if they are a small independant and are struggling to make ends meet. It's completely ridiculous. To help in this endeavour, I shall be investing in a slanket! Oh yes, I am really going to rock the OAP look this winter, and as long as it means I am not giving BG my hard earned cash, I will be happy.

For those of you that aren't familiar, that ↑↑ is a slanket, does it not just look so cosy and inviting?!? Get involved.

JERMAJESTY! Pah!

Tuesday Fuckery... Amy Childs & Harvester

2011-09-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Firstly, lets kick off with the most ludicrous thing I have read today...

AMY CHILDS ''I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT POSING IN MY BIKINI''

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck OFF! I see by the accompanying pictures that she was a brave little soldier and managed to get her kit off. Nothing at all to do with the no doubt ridiculous sum of money being offered. I'd like to say well done to the photographer, her nerves don't come across in the photos at all. Unfortunately, he along with anyone else thats ever taken a picture of her, has failed to make her look anything less than dead behind the eyes. That, I suspect, is because she is. Mind you, she isn't paid to think is she. Without going off on some feministic rant, I just hate to think that this is what children are looking up to and aspiring to be.

Moving swiftly on, I missed something out of my little advertising rant t'other day! Silly me!!

Dear Advertising Execs at Harvester,

What the actual fucking fuckity fuck is a 'Comma piri chicken' or a 'Comma garlic sauce' 'Hold the corn on the cob - OK!'

If you could please let me know, it will stop me from wondering. Which would be nice.

Love me.

I suspect that she is actually meant to be saying 'combo' which leads me to believe that aforementioned advertising tossers are deaf, as she is blatantly saying comma. Comma fucking chicken, its just stupid.

Do let me know your most hated adverts! (That's assuming anyone is reading) I would be reassured to know I am not alone in this angst...