FuNNy JoKeS make life gOoD and HuMoRouS

Animal jokes-Dog chasing

2012-05-28T12:01:00.001-07:00

Danny, a Policeman says to a pedestrian, "Do you know your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle."

The pedestrian replied, "What are you talking? Do you really think my dog can ride a bicycle??"

Adult jokes-Cured of perversions

2012-05-28T00:01:00.002-07:00

Jaswant was convicted of rape and brought up in front of the Punjab Police Prison board for evaluation.

The board chairman went through the guy's records, which mentioned several arrests for unnatural sexual acts with women from Shimla to Amritsar. "Can we trust that this prison term has cured you of your perversions?"

"Absolutely," said the prisoner. "You can ask the guard who's standing behind me. I will never touch another woman again, will I, darling?"

Humor jokes-Country song

2012-05-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

I was listening to an old country song when I got an idea. I decided to listen to it backwards.

Guess what happened?

I got my dog back, got my truck back and then my girlfriend back!

Really funny jokes-Collective Nouns For Doctors

2012-05-27T00:01:00.002-07:00

Dr. Muthy at Nanavati Hospital, Mumbai has compiled a list of
Collective Nouns For Doctors

** A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists

** A Hive of Allergists

** A Press of Dental Hygienists

** A Carvery of Surgeons

** A Golf-cart of Private-physicians

** A Growth of Oncologists

** A Vision of Optometrists

** An Insanity of Psychologists

Blonde jokes-Fired!

2012-05-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Betty, the blonde lost her job at M & M.

When her friends asked her what had gone wrong, Betty replied, "I don't know! All I did was throw away all the W's!"

Good jokes-The Blonde Nun

2012-05-26T00:01:00.002-07:00

Nancy, the blonde nun was praying in the church, when God decided to talk to her.

God's voice boomed from the heavens, "My child, I am very happy with you. You have always loved your fellow beings and always worked for the benefit of others. For all that you have done in your life, I not only want to thank and commend you, but wish you grant you anything that you want."

Nancy replied, "Oh dear Father, I am absolutely happy and satisfied. I am a bride of Christ. I am only following my heart. I have no desire for anything material. The Church supports me and I am comfortable the way I am."

God said, "There must be something you wish for."

Nancy replied, "Well, there is one thing."

God's voice boomed, "Just say it."

The blonde nun replied, "Well, it's these blonde jokes. They are so humiliating to blondes all over the world, including me. Can these blonde jokes stop?"

God replied, "Done, my dear child. It is erased from the minds of humans. Is there something that you want just for yourself?"

Nancy replied, "Well, there is something, but it's too petty, I don't want to bother you" said the nun.

God said, "Just tell me."

Nancy replied,"It's these M&M's, I find them so hard to peel..."

Mark Zuckerberg's birthday

2012-05-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 on May 14th this year. He got a watch from his girlfriend (now wife!), a pullover from his parents, and from the rest of the world, all of their credit card numbers.

Adult jokes-Pervert on the phone

2012-05-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

"I think it's a pervert on the phone, Julius! Quickly give me my vibrator!

Sarcastic jokes-The Mystery of the Absent Sunspots

2012-05-25T00:01:00.003-07:00

The Mystery of the Absent Sunspots

There was a lot of talk in 2011 regarding the absent sunspots. In reality, there is no been no net reduction in the number of sunspots. They have all moved out of sight, opposite the Earth, over to the dark side of the sun.

Celebrity jokes-New documentary

2012-05-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

Tom: Did you hear about the new documentary they are making about Madonna?

Jerry : What's it called?

Tom : Missionary Position Impossible.

Really funny jokes-Radio announcement

2012-05-24T00:01:00.001-07:00

Terence and his wife, Sally live in Brooklyn. One winter morning, there is an announcement on the radio which says, "We are expected to have 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Sally goes out and moves her car.

A couple of days later, there is another radio announcement which says, "We are expecting 11 to 13 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Sally goes out and moves her car again.

The next week, while having breakfast, the couple listen to the radio announcement which says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..." just then the power goes out, and Sally is visibly upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Oh god, What should I do. Which side of the street should I park on so the plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes display, Terence says, "Sweetheart, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Light bulb jokes-Electrons

2012-05-23T12:01:00.001-07:00

How many electrons does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be ridiculous - the question is all wrong - it should be the other way round - it should be "how many light bulbs does it take to change an electron?"

Adult jokes-Men can get smarter

2012-05-23T00:01:00.001-07:00

A guy & a lady were in a car, in the outskirts of town. Just as they are about to have sex, the woman says, "I forgot to tell, but I'm a prostitute & I charge £30 for Sex."

The guy reluctantly gives in to her and pays.

After the sex, the guy lights a cigarette & just sits there.

Lady: "Why are you not driving?"

Guy: "I forgot to tell u that I'm a Taxi Driver, & it's £35 to go back to town."

Moral of the story:
Men may think with their dicks,
But they always get smarter after Sex!

Liquid version

2012-05-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

Whiskey is the liquid version of Photoshop. With every few drops, my wife looks better and better and better....

Little Johnny jokes-Dough

2012-05-22T00:01:00.001-07:00

Mrs. Jones, the English teacher, announced in class, "Children, I am going to test your word spelling and understanding today. The first word is DOUGH. Sheila, can you tell the class please".

Sheila got up and said, "The spelling is D-O-U-G-H and Domino's makes pizza with dough."

The teacher applauded and said Rebecca you are next. Rebecca said, "D-O-U-G-H. My brother makes strange animal figures with my play dough."

Mrs. Jones said, "Good. Now Little Johnny you have been raising up your hand so much you go next."

Little Johnny jumped from his seat and said, "My mom says, my dad doesn't have enough DOUGH in him in bed and so she likes 'DILL DOUGH'"

Good jokes-Army life

2012-05-21T12:02:00.001-07:00

Peter, a farm boy was appointed in military service. On his first leave, he went back to his hometown. His Father asked him how he was adjusting to Military life.

"It's quite good Father. The food's not bad, the work's quite simple but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

Sarcastic jokes-Underwear

2012-05-21T00:01:00.002-07:00

Guess you have heard about the CIA exposing Al-Qaida's sabotage plan involving a sophisticated underwear bomb. The plan came into light when a romeo-type suicide terrorist boasted to a female TSA agent that she can expect a bang out of what he is carrying in his underwear.

Humor jokes-A reason to live

2012-05-20T12:01:00.002-07:00

Frank is 50 and he is terrified of dying. Therefore, he takes great care of his health and eats only healthy food. he also goes to his doctor every month for a check-up.

During one such monthly visit, he tells the doctor, "You know doctor, I don't drink or smoke, I run on the treadmill for an hour every day, I don't indulge in sex and live on organic fat-free food. Do you think I'll last another twenty-five years?"

The doctor shakes his head and replies, "What do you want to live for, Frank?"

Little Johnny jokes-Value of life

2012-05-20T12:01:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny was playing in the garden. He had a bottle of acid in his hands. He would pick up a big ant every now and then, and just drop it in the bottle of acid. Every time he did that, there would be a small puff of smoke when the ant hit the acid.

An old priest, who was passing by, observed how Little Johnny was sending the ants to their doom. He thought this would be a good time to teach the little boy the value of life.

The priest said to Little Johnny, "What are you doing, my boy?"

"I got some magic water here Father," Little Johnny replied innocently, "I'll show you," and with that he sent another one to its doom.

The priest said, "There is some magic water in my church too."

"Really?" said Little Johnny, "Can it also turn ants into water?"

"No," replied the priest, "but I rubbed it on a woman's stomach and she passed a baby."

"That's nothing!" said Little Johnny. "When I applied some of this stuff under my cat's tail, she passed a motorcycle!"

Adult jokes-Gasoline fumes

2012-05-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

Two friends, Marie & Josie, were watching a show on television that informed its viewers that gasoline fumes could render men impotent.

Marie asked Josie, "You should be worried about your husband's job at the gas station. Those fumes could make him lose the lead in his pencil."

Josie replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "I am not really bothered. Do you think he is the only one doing all my writing?"

Celebrity jokes-Protection from Vin Diesel

2012-05-19T00:01:00.002-07:00

Q. Do you know why Vin Diesel doesn't wear condoms?

A. That's because there's no such thing as protection from Vin Diesel.

Funny jokes-No place in Heaven

2012-05-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Five-year-old Bobby was excited by the arrival of his new baby sister. But the baby screamed her lungs out all day.

Bobby asked his mother, "Where did you get her, Mom?"

His mother, with all her loving care for the new arrival, replied "She just came down from heaven."

Bobby replied, "No wonder! Now I see why they threw her out!"

Children jokes-School Bus

2012-05-18T00:01:00.001-07:00

Sam, the bus driver, was preparing himself for another day of driving the school bus and dropping children to their homes. After he had made the complete round for the day, he found a little girl still seated in the back of the bus.

Wondering if he had missed her stop, Sam started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked her to point out if she found any of the houses or people familiar. The girl just sat in her seat at ease and shook her head whenever Sam asked her if she recognized her locality.

After two tours of the entire area, Sam decided the best thing to do was to go back to school and take her address. When they reached school, the girl simply got off the bus and started walking away.

"Hey, wait!" Sam yelled, "Where are you going? We have to go inside and find your address."

"I live right there, next to the school" the little girl said, pointing to a house across the street. "You know I always wanted to ride in a school bus."

Sarcastic jokes-Woken up

2012-05-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've never slept with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.

Economy jokes-Bad enough

2012-05-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

How much of a bad phase is the U.S. economy going through?

Bad enough for Hillary and Bill Clinton to share a room when they travel together!