For fear of self realization, I’ll steer clear of tracing the lineage of anxiety in my life. Whether brooding or berating it is and has been present, an unfortunate norm. Before I preach, I am often particularly anxious. Public speaking comes naturally but the responsibility of sharing the Word of God with a group of God’s people, nags at me until I know that I am on the right track. Occasionally, I don’t find the right track but most often the level of anxiety directly correlates with the impact, clarity and response of the sermon. Once delivered, the anxiety dissipates.

This past Saturday, I preached. The anxiety dissipated, but I’ve been plagued by a sense of immense failure. The senior pastor “opened the altar” for prayer and off and on, I poked my head around the pulpit to see who was travailing at the altar. A couple of people caused quite a stir on separate occasions. To my surprise, they were my kids. The very teenagers to whom I journey home to visit once a month. My tatted and pierced, troubled and tarrying kids were rent at the altar.

I failed them by believing the hype, “Rev. Vajaah E. Parker, Minister of Youth Church.” (Youth Church is a node of the Christian Education Department, an effort to teach a relevant and edifying word in a relaxed yet reverent environment.) I’ve taught them all year, once a month. I commuted from wherever my transient schedule left me back to Jersey City, I did my job. We’ve had a good time.

All along, I’ve known that there was a component missing in the youth ministry of my home church. The component was missing during my adolescence, but I turned to other avenues to be nurtured. My kids shouldn’t have to turn elsewhere. This requires more of me. Queue anxiety, again.

It is at this clause, that I should testify to the capable nature of God to counter my anxiety with peace. I know, God is able, but my flesh is a punk. I have to remind myself that God spares us from drowning in life’s depression, rescues us from the raging waters, forgives our capsizing sins and sets us on dry land amidst the flood. My flesh is drowning but my spirit need not succumb.

Psalm 32 (NRSV)
Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Happy are those to whom the Lord imputes no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

While I kept silence, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

Then I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not hide my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’, and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Therefore let all who are faithful offer prayer to you; at a time of distress, the rush of mighty waters shall not reach them. You are a hiding-place for me;you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance. Selah
…

Many are the torments of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord. Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart.

Anxiety is at bay. Amen.

Any time I use the word “awesome” I think of my grandmother. There was a chair in her kitchen that was stationed by the window. The old doctor’s mansion turned funeral home had a clear view to lower Manhattan and the Twin Towers. Sitting in that chair one day, I described something, the nature of which I cannot recall, as “awesome.” She had never heard the word before, but understood it in context.

That word became my word. Occasionally, she would use it to describe something and then share with everyone how she learned it. She beamed with pride, I beamed with appreciation.

The view from her kitchen window is gone. The Twin Towers were toppled before her eyes. She’s gone. Her kitchen is gone. The family funeral home was sold and the living quarters were gutted… but awesome is still my word.

The video of time lapsed ash from the volcano that is wreaking havoc on air traffic control, captures the very nature of God’s complexity. God is my word. He is awesome. So awesome that he could create the delicate features of my grandmother’s beauty and yet sustain this torrent of geological wonder. God is my word. He is awesome.

Psalm 24 (NRSV)

The earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it, the world, and those who live in it; for he has founded it on the seas, and established it on the rivers.

Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? Those who have clean hands and pure hearts, who do not lift up their souls to what is false, and do not swear deceitfully. They will receive blessing from the Lord, and vindication from the God of their salvation.

Such is the company of those who seek him, who seek the face of the God of Jacob. Selah

Lift up your heads, O gates! and be lifted up, O ancient doors! that the King of glory may come in.

Who is the King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O gates! and be lifted up, O ancient doors! that the King of glory may come in.

Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory. Selah

So awesome. Amen.

As I was leaving the “Worship Service Programming: Music and Media, Ministry Environment Lab,” I grabbed a handout w/ a list of resources and websites by media type. Firstly, if you don’t check out InsideNorthPoint.org/Media, you certainly should! Secondly, I hope these help boost your Motion Graphic greatness!

www.videocopilot.net
www.ayatoweb.com/ae_tips_e.html
www.greyscalegorilla.com
www.motiontheory.com
www.behance.net
www.motionographer.com
www.the99percent.com
www.daily.abduzeedo.com

John Saddington (@human3rror), a divinely wicked developer of everything Wordpress (like Standard Theme), voraciously disciplined blogger at Human3rror.com and ChurchCrunch.com and the brainman behind the 8Bit Network, was the driving force behind my plunge into the full time investigation of web technologies and ministry.

Through some Logos sponsored, 8Bit arranged goodness I was able to attend BibleTech 2010 this past week and write a few posts about the event for the 8Bit network. Check out the posts over at ChurchCrunch:

1. BibleTech 2010: Tweeting the Bible – Stephen Smith
2. BibleTech 2010: Logos Bible Software Launches API.Biblia.com
3. BibleTech 2010: Bible Navigator X: Developing Spiritual Apps for the XBOX 360

I’m grateful for another awesome opportunity and for the great people that I met in San Jose. Especially @mobileminmag, @gabetaviano, @linne and @youversion.