Vanquishing Triple Negative Breast Cancer My Way

Over The Half Way Mark

2011-05-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

April 29th 2011 was my latest round of chemotherapy, number seven of ten. This latest round of chemotherapy was Paclitaxel high dose and dose dense every two weeks. I tolerated this chemo much better than the others as this one doesn't really cause nausea just bone pain and fatigue, nothing some codeine and some sleep can't fix. I do have to admit though the bone pain still lingers even with the codeine and it is a little hard to move around at times but still better than the last 6 chemo's. I love how this time I have not been trapped in my bedroom sick as a dog. I actually spent my time relaxing on a chair outside reading a book and doing crossword puzzles. I can actually enjoy the good weather at the moment. Its such a nice and welcome change.

On my previous chemo on April 15th I ended up back in hospital for neutropenia AGAIN for another four days, which of course had to be Easter weekend. This time I waited 24 hours before I went into the emergency department with my fever which was a mistake! By the time I got in my blood pressure was 97/52 and I had started to go into sepsis, which is not good at all. They immediately made me change out of my clothes and get into a gown and had me pumped full of 2 litres of IV fluids in an hour and IV anti-biotics immediately. Note to self: Don't wait at home with a fever whilst on chemo no matter what time of night it is, go to ED. I got a lecture from my medical team about sepsis and how it can kill you and I could have ended up in ICU with a tube down my throat. Not a pretty thought. So this next time I get a fever I will go in asap, no waiting around its not worth it.

Since I was in hospital for Easter weekend we did our Easter celebrations this past weekend, so a week late but it was a lot of fun and the boys really loved the Easter egg hunt. I was so surprised I had the energy two days after chemo to organize the hunt and enjoy the weekend with the boys. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend filled with family and good memories!

Here is a picture of some Easter Cookies the boys and I baked and decorated :)

Well only three more sessions of chemotherapy then I get a 5 week break to recover before starting radiation. Bring on June 10th, my last chemo :)

Two Down, Five To Go

2011-04-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

Well chemo number two went okay, I felt less nauseous this round. I honestly think increasing my water intake helped flush the toxins out of my system. I usually struggle to drink 1.5 liters of water but this round of chemo I forced down 3 liters a day. It really was a struggle to drink so much water but I felt less nausea. I did still feel just as fatigued and 'unwell' though which is unfortunate. Normally with chemo even with all of the anti-nausea drugs I feel like I am going to vomit and I really struggle to eat. This time I ate fairly normal and just had moderate nausea. I will test my theory again and see if it works for me for round three which I have tomorrow.

I ended up admitted to hospital this round with neutropenia for 4 days. I was admitted on the second Saturday post chemo so cycle day 8. When I was admitted to hospital it was for fevers but my neutrophils were a low 0.2 so they admitted me into isolation to prevent me from picking up any infections or bugs. They did the usual tests, blood cultures (several), blood tests, chest x-rays, and swabs. I was immediately put on high dose IV anti-biotics. On Sunday about 10 hours after admission they re-tested my blood and the levels were 0.0 so I was at high risk of catching a virus or bacterial infection. Thankfully I avoided infection by being on isolation and got out of hospital on Wednesday.

Now I have round three of chemotherapy tomorrow and I hope it goes well. I had a great day today and although I really wanted a few days to feel good my blood levels required enough to continue with chemotherapy. I am disappointed but satisfied at the same time. My oncologist seems to think I will end back up in hospital with neutropenia because it gets worse with subsequent cycles. I am hoping I can avoid another admission because it will be during Easter Weekend and I would really like to have a great Easter weekend. So fingers crossed I can be home and enjoy it with the family!

My New Chemotherapy Regime

2011-03-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well since the local recurrence I needed a different chemotherapy plan so I saw two specialist oncologists and they made a new plan they think will give me the best outcome. There are so many different options, platinum chemotherapy, traditional chemotherapy and clinical trials. My oncologists felt that they would rather use a traditional dose dense chemotherapy which has been known to work rather than the new therapies which have been known to work better with metastatic disease not local disease which I have. I will just put my faith in the experts and pray for the best outcome.

They will be giving me three doses of AC chemotherapy followed by four doses of paclitaxal. Each dose will be two weeks apart at a high dose. It will be a very intense regime, and it will be hard on my body but as long as it works I am willing to do anything. I will also lose all my eyebrows and eyelashes on the dose dense which will be upsetting as they only thinned last time.

I have had my first cycle of AC on Friday March 18th and it went well but it was different to the TAC chemotherapy side effects I had last time. When I was on TAC I never felt sick until the day after chemotherapy. With this new chemo I felt sick only a few hours after they administered the chemo. The nausea is pretty hard to deal with and I had some milder reflux this time as well. I was not feeling well for day but the side effects began to ease off on Wednesday, so five days post chemo. On Thursday though my husband went back to work and I really struggled looking after my boys with the fatigue and the ruminant sickness. I might see if he can hold off going back to work until Friday this time as it was really difficult. By Saturday March 26th I began to have fevers, and on Sunday I went into the hospital with a fever of 38.3 degrees Celsius. I was 0.1 above the nuetropenic level so I begged them not to admit me to hospital and they didn't. After they preformed a million blood cultures, blood tests, chest xrays, meliodosis swabs and questions they let me go home as long I got a blood test in the morning and if my levels dropped I would have to come back for admission. I was lucky and my levels came up so I escaped hospital this time.

I have my second cycle of AC chemotherapy tomorrow Friday April 1st, I only wish it was a fools joke. Wish me luck and I hope it goes well and the side effects come and go quickly. I think the main thing I am a bit bummed about is that my hair has started to grow back in the 7 weeks between my TAC chemo and starting the new regimen so its just over a centimeter long and it will all fall out again, including my eyebrows and lashes. I will however enjoy not having to shave my legs again for a while :)

I promise to be more vigilant on my blogging, and keep you all updated!

Post Surgery

2011-03-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well I am in desperate need of an update so this will be the first of a few posts today in order to get everyone up to speed on whats been happening.

My mastectomy went off without a hitch on February 14th, 2011. I only ended up getting a left breast mastectomy due to a lack of surgical time as well as some reconstruction considerations. I awoke from the mastectomy surgery in minimal pain because they gave me several deep tissue pain management injections while I was still under the anethstetic. I was very nauseous though, I have always had a bad reaction to the anethstetic. It took me two days to feel well enough to eat so they had me on IV nutrients. I refused all the morphine again, I just can't handle not being in control of my body. I tried an endone which I used to be able to tolerate just fine and still keep my wits about me, but chemo must have made me more susceptible to pain killers because even that made me ridiculously dopey so I tried to get by on half of one. The pain was pretty manageable though which was very surprising.

I had one surgical drain, other than it being annoying to carry around it wasn't too bad. I had the drain removed on the 3rd day so record time which was great. I have to give my body one thing, its really good at healing after surgery. It only really took me two weeks to get most of my range of movement back and to feel fairly normal.

When I got released from hospital we were in the middle of a cyclone, which was inconvenient to say the least. We have a Toyota Corolla which is fantastic for fuel economy but no so much for cyclonic driving conditions. So needless to say my husband couldn't pick me up from the hospital because of all the debris on the roads and closures so I had to spend the night on a chair in the hospital while trying to recover from a mastectomy. I was fairly upset, as mentally and physically I was dealing with something so big and I felt rather left in the dark.

Mentally recovering from the mastectomy was easier than I anticipated but still quite hard. The first week I tried to ignore it and I was very self conscious in hospital while I couldn't wear a prosthesis. The scar is huge, approximately 12 inches in length. My husband has been incredibly accepting and he never shudders, cringes or makes me in anyway feel uncomfortable which I am grateful for. I get upset if my mastectomy bra shows and that I can't wear all my old clothes because the bra is so ugly. I miss my pretty bra's and the ability to feel 'even'. I am happy my breast is gone though because now I feel safe, that cancer cannot come back there. I know it will be a long road to deal with all the emotional implications but I feel like it is attainable and I have already met with the plastic surgeon for my reconstruction so I am confident I will have all my confidence back soon after I finish cancer treatment.

Bilateral Masectomy Here I Come

2011-02-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

Written February 6th

I am obviously devestated and upset by this new revelation, I was more distraught yesterday. I had some big decisions to make. My left breast has to come off regardless but I also have the decision to keep my right one or have the two removed. After much careful consideration I have decided on bilateral masectomy. I would rather never have another chance of a tumor popping up, having a mammogram every 6-12 months for the rest of life and the constant worry about recurrance is too high a price to pay. I will get a reconstruction and implants to match my current size after I finish all my treatments so in about 6 months.

My masectomy is scheduled for Valentines Day; February 14th, 2011. What a day for it, I thought I might be able to have some flowers, chocolates and maybe a present but instead I will be in surgery and recovery. I should be in hospital for 2 nights according to my surgeon.

Two New Tumours :(

2011-02-23T17:11:00.000-08:00

Written February 2nd.

Well last week I had a biopsy for two new lumps I found. I never posted because I was clinging to the hope they were benign. Well unfortunately they are not. I have two new tumours that have grown while on chemotherapy. They are very small only 5mm in diameter each. I am very lucky I am still doing breast exams even while on chemotherapy so they think I have caught it very early which is always a good sign.

So I have what is classed as a Local Recurrence which is not the same as the cancer spreading to the rest of my body and can still be cured so long as that while this was growing the cancer has not spread anywhere else. I am booked in to have a CT scan and another bone scan to make sure it has not metastasized to anywhere else in my body.

Now my decision needs to be made on whether or not I want a bilateral (both sides) mastectomy or just a left mastectomy. I have one week to decide, then I meet with my surgeon to sign the necessary paperwork. This is going to be one tough decision.

My mastectomy is scheduled for February 14th, 2011. This is actually quite funny and kind of like de ja vous, considering I had a dream the night before my biopsy that it came back as cancer and I had to have a mastectomy on Valentines Day and I wrote a book about my experience and somehow worked Valentines into the title, haha. Maybe I am a little psychic, lol.

Excercise Physiologist is a good fit.

2011-02-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

I typed this post on January 31st, but never posted it. Can you tell I am catching up since neglecting my poor blog

Well today I went and met with my exercise physiologist and she was great. We had a chat about my goals, and dietary needs. I also had a fitness test which I aced :) She said she will need to changer her program because my results completely screwed her average for her chemo patients and I will need a whole different program!

So the plan is for me to see a dietitian and get my diet into check without restricting calories (a big no no while on chemo) and then to get an exercise program and see her once a week for the beginning for the first month. She will give me at at home exercise plan so I can follow the program from home and still see results. Then I will have another 10 weeks of training (once a fortnight) and by then I will nearly be over all this cancer crap so I can get on with life! I will keep you posted on how it all goes!

Reached The Halfway Point

2011-02-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

This post was typed on January 27th...I just never had a chance to post :)

Well everyone I have had my 3rd Chemo and I am halfway through!! I am so happy to finally reach the halfway mark, I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long time coming and it finally feels like I can get through this. After I finish chemo I just need to do 6 weeks of radiation and I am finished.

The only thing I am struggling with is an approved exercise regime. I know they say to exercise I just don't know when its overdoing it so yesterday I got a referral to an exercise physiologist who specializes with chemo patients. I am looking forward to seeing what she recommends. I got referred by the lovely ladies at the cancer council.

I also bought a bicycle and a kiddie trailer so I can ride with my boys for a bit of exercise on my two good weeks. Chemo only really seems to knock me about for a week and then I have 2 good, albeit tired weeks. I am hoping between Pilate's and bike riding I can get rid of the 5kg I have put on in the 3 and a bit months since diagnosis. Two of my main drugs Taxotere and Zoladex have the primary symptom of weight gain and water retention so between that and some naughty snacking its all working against me. Hopefully I can overcome it all and kick some of the weight to the curb. Fingers crossed.

Well wish me luck for my last 3 chemo's and kicking this weight gain into submission!

I Am Feeling Fantastic!

2011-01-09T03:07:00.000-08:00

Well everyone I am feeling AWESOME with a capital A. I have started exercising again and getting back to eating a more modest diet after indulging a little too much for Christmas. I am cooking great healthy food again and I just feel fantastic. I get tired by lunch time and need a nap but other than that, and a lack of hair I feel like myself! I am having a really good day today. Yesterday I went and bought a bike and a Kiddie trailer (Courtesy of the fundraiser money; thanks girls!) so I can still get some great exercise while my husband is at work during the week. It also makes a great family activity, so it is magnificent.

Yesterday I tried out my new bike and ended up doing around 4km. It didn't really challenge me much but in an effort not to overdo it I decided not to push it. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and I wasn't sore so today I managed 7km, which I think is rather impressive considering I only did chemo 9 days ago. I am going to aim for 7-10km everyday (except the few days I am sick following chemo). I really want to keep my body in shape and keep some of those endorphins I have been missing so much. I really think exercise is what I have been lacking and why I have been a bit down up until now. Sure I have an excuse to be down but why use it? I would rather look good, and feel even better by challenging myself and keeping active!

I also got a referral to an exercise physiologist so I can have a proper program to follow so I can achieve my fitness goals, while not overdoing it. The physiologist I got referred to is revered by the cancer council and she specializes in helping chemo patients. I am so excited to start!

I am also cooking again, something that is a true love of mine. I made Portuguese chicken with stuffed roasted capsicum, hasselbeck potato's and roasted herb zucchini. I am going to focus on trying many new recipes that are healthy and taste great. I really need some good vegetable recipes because steamed vegetables are getting old really fast. I also made some healthy blueberry oat muffins for a play date I am going on with a good friend. Between cooking, baking and exercise I have found my happy place!

Happy New Year, Another One Bites The Dust

2011-01-04T04:35:00.000-08:00

Well chemotherapy session two is over and out, thank goodness and that means I am one third of the way through this whole chemo mess and one step closer to getting on with my life and all fingers crossed living cancer free. I still have good days, bad days, meltdowns, and happiness my emotions can be a little all over the place. For instance tonight I was feeling semi-ok being day five of my chemo cycle so I was excited to have a nice bubble bath and watch the DVD 'Despicable Me' with my gorgeous boys. Well the video store was all out and its not available for purchase until tomorrow. I had a mini-meltdown and felt like the world was against me yet again but I soon got over it had a bath with a gossip mag and reclaimed my evening. I guess my point is the simplest things can be over upsetting and I can feel irrational and upset over something that would not normally upset me. Welcome to life with cancer I guess, but that being said I have good days where I feel ready to reclaim my place on the 'healthy' side of life where the little things cannot get me down. I will get over all of this and I will be fine, I will beat this. I will beat this because I know I am a strong woman and I will not let it beat me. I will not fail if I have a few less than 'positive' days that people like to push on me, I am entitled to have a bad day, a cry and a complain here and there because this situation really sucks. One thing I do get is one life experience that will most definitely make me stronger, more aware of my body and grateful. I will always be grateful for the treatment that has been such a nightmare because it will in the end save my life.

So this nightmare treatment was bad for the last few days, but in all honesty now I have gotten to day five I am feeling a bit better (except for the exceptionally irritating reflux) and it doesn't seem that bad. While its bad, its the worst and I feel like I can't do it again but then I get to a day like today and I know I can make it through yet another cycle of chemotherapy. I am not out of the woods of the chemo cycle yet and I could be horribly sick tomorrow but I think I am coping rather well. My husband is being exceptional and really stepping up to the plate. I get all the rest I need and he will get me anything I ask him for. He has been so fantastic and I appreciate how much he is helping me through this ordeal by just letting me recover when I need it and never pushing me to over exceed myself. Thanks Honey!

Side effect wise I had the normal nausea, tiredness, and general feeling of unwell. Last night was my worst night because I couldn't get to sleep, woke constantly with nausea, and reflux and discomfort I hope tonight is better. I haven't had the bad aches and pains like last time which is nice, I have only needed pain relief once. I have taken bucket loads of anti-nauseant medication though, which is to be expected. With all the medication I have had only 1 day of bad nausea where I felt as though I had a few too many cocktails the night before, unfortunately for me not a cocktail in sight. I have also started to get as sore throat and some aches in my ears but I had that last time and I am on the mandatory anti-biotics so hopefully I don't end up neutropenic and in hospital like last time but I am confident I won't.

I am also doing a very in depth journal through this chemo cycle. I am documenting everything I do, eat, every nap, and side effect. I am hoping that the chemo effect diary will help me know what side effects to expect and when and also what I did to ease the side effects, what helped and what didn't. I am also finding it therapeutic to have an outlet to jot everything down.

So that's where I am at now, thank you for following along. I can assure everyone I am ok, and I will get through this. Thank you for the support, I really appreciate everyone being there for me and checking to see how I am doing.

Oh and before I forget:

Happy New Year!!!

My proud as punch moment: I had chemo on New Years Eve and I actually managed to go out to dinner with my Family, take the kids out for ice cream and fireworks and I stayed up for my midnight kiss! Is that amazing or what! I cannot believe I did it! I never knew I had it in me! So much for my preconceived notion of what a chemo patient was like!

I wish you all a Happy New Year, with many blessings!

Happy Holidays Everyone

2010-12-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

Well I had a fantastic Christmas, well as good can be expected for being in the tropics. I miss snow...I really was dreaming of a white Christmas! I was supposed to be back home in the snow for Christmas but cancer stopped my plans. Oh well maybe next year, Christmas on Australia truly doesn't get the spirit going, I need snow and a fire and hot chocolate.

So as I was saying Christmas was woderful and the kids, my husband and I really did get spoiled. The kids had a ball and were showered in gifts, we had food galore and it was a great day overall. I even got a cuisinart icecream maker, woohoo. I just made some low fat vanilla frozen yogurt and it is amazing!

I have gone 9 days without hair since I shaved it the night I wrote the "hair today gone tomorrow" post. I never lasted until tomorrow. Everywhere I went I ended up with a hair trail, and it was all over the couch so I just got my husnad to buzz cut it. It was a traumatic experience and it really upset me, the tears were definatly flowing. I was so upset my husband finally asked if I was 'ready' my reply "I will never be ready just get it over with". So he did, and it actually hurt to get it all off as my scalp was beyond sensitive from my hair folicles dying or something, my scalp had been hurting for a week before I shaved it. It even hurt for a week after shaving it.

After I shaved it I really struggled, I felt like a man as I didn't feel pretty at all. I was now bald. It was a really hard concept to grasp, I kept reaching for my hair and it wasn't there. It was really upsetting. The first few days without hair I would only get around in my "Beau Beau' or my wig. Now with constant (pretty much every hour) hot flashes from my zoladex induced menopause while I am at home just with the family I just go bald. To be honest I am not completely bald now, I have some patches of buzz cut hair but its very thin and getting thinner by the day. I don't think it will last much longer than a week. My wig is great for when we go somewhere or when I want to feel like me. The "beau beau" is fantastic for around the house, and out and about on those days I can't be bothered sweating in a wig.

Everything else has been going very well. I got my second zoladex injection a week ago and I am due for my round two of chemo in two days. I am not as nervous as last time because I guess I know what to expect. Its not as scary as I thought it would be and I had no adverse side effects last time so I have to just bite the bullet knowing I will feel like crap for a week or so. I just hope I don't end up in hopsital this time with neutropenia. So New Years Eve is my chemo day I will celebrate next year.

Have a Happy New Year!!! I hope you all have your New Year's resolutions and I wish you all the strength and determination to acheive your goals and have a wonderful New Year filled with happiness.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2010-12-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

Not only is Hair Today Gone Tomorrow my motto for today but it was also the name of a fundraiser bbq and raffle done by my friends for me in which we raised just over $1200 and we donated a large portion to Breast Cancer Network Australia to provide Women with "My Journey" packs. J and L did one heck of a job organizing and we had some great donations from local business's for the raffle. J shaved her head along with her husband and her mother as well. It really was a show of support for me and other women with breast cancer and amazed me of the length people will go to be supportive. Thank you J and L, you did a great job and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to write this post.

Tomorrow is my day to do my head shave. My hair is coming out in clumps now. On December 16th it started to come out in noticeable amounts. I am in shock I think and it hasn't fully hit me, I can't believe I am going to be bald. My husband will be giving me the buzz cut. I told him to prepare for one very upset me and a lot of tears. I think it will be me a box of chocolates, Kleenex and solitude for a few hours to process. Then I will be getting 'wiggy with it' until my hair grows back.

So I have an awesome wig, and a great 'Beau Beau'. I ordered it from the United States in Florida and it seems great. I will give it a test run once my hair is gone tomorrow. If you are interested in getting one here is the site. http://www.4women.com/ I think they are fantastic because you don't have to tie the scarf, it comes all pre-sewn so if someone knocks on the door I can throw it on and not worry about asking them to wait while I figure out how to tie the darn thing. I will buy a scarf or two and learn to tie, so I have a few options but I think the wig and the beau beau will be really great as a starting point. I really want to order the 'art addiction brown' one in silk but they are not cheap (but you get what you pay for) so I will have to wait....one at a time unfortunately.

My husband is being very supportive of me losing my hair. He keeps telling me I will still be beautiful (I am not a believer, I loved my long hair). Although the one thing he tells me is how excited he is for all my new looks, he thinks its awesome I can change wigs and scarfs and 'Beau Beau's', so I guess I will have to indulge in the fact that its not everyday you can change your look so much, and try to have fun with it. I will keep trying to tell myself that tomorrow when I do the shave, which I am scared to do.

Wish me luck everyone, I am one nervous chick!

Hair, Reflux and All Things Christmas

2010-12-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

Well Christmas is just around the corner and I am super excited. I cannot wait for Christmas, I feel like a kid again...minus the need to stay up all night waiting for Santa Claus. My Christmas eve will be spent with my lovely husband putting together a swing set from 'Santa' for my boys. I have started my Christmas baking, which is very therapeutic by the way and I intend on finishing today and tomorrow so I can get my gift baskets out of the way. I will take pictures of my gift baskets when I finish, I really hope they turn out as well as I want them to.

One person who is on the top of my gift basket list is B, she did a photo shoot with me on Monday. I am so excited to see all the photographs as the sneak peek was fabulous! I got a haircut and when I mean haircut I mean HAIRCUT. I got about 12 inches cut off to make the hair falling out process a little less traumatic. They assure me my hair will be falling out by the handful by December 20th so needless to say I am nervous, yikes! I have a cute little pixie cut now and feel a little like a 10 year old boy but everyone assures me it looks good. My verdict, I LOVE my long hair and intend on growing it all back just as long but this time I will have bangs, I honestly think they suit me. If I get brave maybe I will post some haircut pics if anyone is interested.

Now as for the reflux I think it will be the death of me. I have been up since 4am and I cannot lay down it is agony. I am taking omeprazol, mylanta and quick eze and I am not sensing an ounce of relief. I have an appointment with my oncologist December 22nd. I can't wait that long so I sent a text to my breast care nurse. I hope she gets back to me quickly and I can just go pick up some better, more effective medication. If I do find a really good reflux medication for the stomach that has been torn apart from chemo I will post it because I think it will be worth its weight in gold if I can find one that's effective. I am sure other people on chemo have this issue as well.

Today I intend on sending Christmas Cards, finishing Christmas shopping and getting the kids photo with Santa. Wish me luck it could be a big day! I hope everyone is enjoying the festive season this year!

Speedy Update!

2010-12-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update from me :)

I got a fever and got stuck in hospital for the last 5 days for neutropenia. My nuetrophils were 0.2 so well below the required chemo level of 1.5. This means they dilute my next chemo by 20% and delay it by 5 days which means....I won't be sick for Xmas woohoo!!!!!
I hope to escape hospital tomorrow but they are saying Monday. I have been on iv ab's for the last 5 days so hopefully that's enough.. My levels are slowly creeping up so fingers crossed they are high enough tomorrow.

Have a great weekend everyone! I will do a proper post soon! I am very eager to get home and start my Christmas baking and get into the Christmas spirit :)

Chemo Caught Me After All

2010-12-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription. ~Finley Peter Dunne

I just wanted to throw that in for a bit of humour this morning :)

Well the first two days post chemo were relatively good, in comparison with days 3,4 and 5 they were truly a cake walk. The night of day three (or two days post chemo) the chemo really did a number on my stomach. I had the worst heartburn I have EVER experienced and I hope its the worst I will ever experience it was agonizing. I ended up in hospital that night and they tried prescription acid reduction drugs, gastrogel, and normal chewable antacids. Nothing worked so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me oral anaethstetic which made me very nauseous so I ended up with a few different IV anti-nausients. From what the doctor says chemotherapy targets all fast growing cells, not specifically cancer so stomach cells can be adversely affected. I am not on a prescription to stop the production of strong stomach acid twice a day to limit the pain. A few days later and if I don't eat small meals every few hours I get the acid pains but it is getting easier to manage.

The doctor at ER also did some blood tests and I had elevated white blood cell counts so he told me to start my routine anti-biotics (normally start on day 5) a day early because he felt I had an infection brewing. I told him I could feel my throat getting sore and since it was red he just confirmed I needed to start the anti-biotics. Even today my throat is getting worse but I have been on anti-biotics for 48 hours so I will call the oncologist and make sure all is still ok. I don't want the infection to get out of control while I am immunosuppressed, the less complication the better.

On day four I never got out of bed, except to pee and shower. I was so tired and my stomach still hurt so bad and the nausea was an issue. It was a complete right off. Day 3/4 is also when the bone, muscle and joint pain really started to take off. I think that's one of the things I find really hard to deal with as well is the constant pain, everything hurts, even the joints in my fingers. I take panadiene forte (Tylenol 3's) every 6 hours and it doesn't even dent the pain......I don't want to find out what it feels like with no pain relief that's for sure.

All in all chemo is better than I expected. I thought it would be much worse, or at least worse for longer periods of time. It was only about 36 hours where I really struggled and didn't think I could do it anymore. The last couple days have been tough but do-able. I am dreading the next cycle only because I don't want to have to go through it all again and I am scared of the stomach pain again. I know I will get through it but I can't say I am looking forward to it. I hope the side effects are not too much worse next time around. They say they increase with each cycle but I am praying I am an exception to the rule. Today insomnia has set in, ever since yesterday afternoon I have the inability to sleep even though I am so tired, I think I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Hopefully I can nap today! I think I might even go for a walk and take the kids to the park, and get some fresh air and watch my gorgeous boys have some fun!

Chemo Session One, Done and Dusted

2010-12-03T03:13:00.000-08:00

Well I had my first chemotherapy treatment yesterday. I am AMAZED I am on this blog typing about my experience already. It had blown me away how well I am taking it so far. Yesterday I felt no different albeit a little more tired than usual and was in bed by 9:30pm.

I was so so scared of side effects while being infused with the chemo but to be honest, I never felt a thing. The worst part was the ice gloves so my fingers nails hopefully don't fall out. It all went very smoothly and I am very impressed at how I handled it like a pro. All that fear for nothing, of and I am sure the Valium had a small role in me not freaking out as much as I anticipated.

Today so far I have been tired, a bit seedy feeling (slightly nauseous) and I have had some joint pain. Other than that it was pretty good. I even managed to get in the car to drive to the ice cream man a few houses down because my little boy had his hopes on Mommy taking him not Dad. I am pretty impressed! I am feeling pretty crummy now so I am about to have a ginger lemon tea and I just took some anti-nausea pills and hopefully that does the trick.

Many people say it can take a couple days for the full effect to hit you, I am hoping that through a combination of prayer and meds it doesn't get much worse except for some expected nasty fatigue. So fingers crossed that a couple more days of lounging around the house and I can feel a little better. I am praying it doesn't hit me too too hard,

Here are some pics of my first chemo session.

There is the needle that has been put in to access my port.

My fancy drip hookup so I can be infused with the cancer killing poison

My uncomfortable ice gloves, while I get infused with poison number one. The yucky red stuff!

Well that's as exciting as it gets so far, I am hoping I feel even 80% super soon. Although I am handling it way better than expected I still would like to feel better and more like myself. I hope this tea and an early night does the trick. Thanks again everyone for being here for me, comments always welcome and I appreciated the support!

In Panic Mode...literally!

2010-12-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

Well today I had a MAJOR panic attack. It was the scariest thing I have ever had, I literally thought I was going to die. The thing is nothing triggered it, I was happy Christmas shopping with my husband and the kids. All of a sudden I started sweating. I drank some water and tried to walk it off but nothing was working. I told my husband we had to go home but after only a couple minutes in the car I was having trouble breathing and started to tingle and lose sensation in my body and face.

The hospital is a five minute drive from the shopping center so I told my husband I needed to go to the emergency department. By the time I was seen the panic attack was so bad I couldn't breathe, my whole body was in paralysis (I honestly couldn't move even my index finger) and I had tingling all in my face and couldn't move my jaw properly. It was so terrifying. They gave me some Valium to calm me down and kept me for an hour observation. I still felt quite anxious for several hours but I am feeling better now.

I did some googling and the steroid I started today for pre-chemo (dexamethasone) has a side effect of severe panic attacks in 0.11% of cases so I am not sure that that was the cause but I am hoping since it was my first dose and nothing else triggered it. I hope to god I don't have to go through that again it was a nightmare. I have asked my oncologist to prescribe regular anti-anxiety medication for me to pick up tomorrow when I have chemo so I can hopefully prevent that nasty reaction again. I would rather add one more med to my list than deal with such intense anxiety attacks, I have never had anything like that before and hopefully don't ever again.

Chemo Tomorrow

I start chemo tomorrow so I am very nervous and I am praying that all goes ok and I have minimal side effects and that I can combat the nausea. Wish me luck, I truly hope it goes better than I am expecting. I guess I will put my faith in god and pray that he will help me through this terrible time in my life. Bring on April when 'hopefully' I will be finished chemo and can start radiation and get back to my life!

Port is in, test drive tomorrow

2010-12-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

That is where my port is located above my right breast, mine is actually a little lower than that one. It is all under the skin and they just use a needle to access the port in order to adminster chemotherapy.

That is a picture of the use of a port, although I have a different brand so mine is not purple but you get the idea.

The surgery was done under full anesthetic and I woke up in a really bad way. It was worse waking up from a short port surgery than my lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy and axillary dissection combined. I had such a bad reaction to the anesthetic it was awful. Even after two IV anti-nauseants and maxalon when I got home it took me 36 hours to be able to eat and drink. It was really awful. The pain was bad too, panadiene forte (Tylenol 3's) did absolutely nothing. I did take an endone (not realizing it reacts with panadiene forte) and will not make that mistake again. I was terrified I was going to overdose, but never did thank goodness. I will not repeat that error in desperation to escape pain again it freaked me out after I figured out 5 minutes later what I did and I couldn't spew it up. Lesson of the day: Don't mix morphine tablets with codeine!

The only side effect that really scared me was that for 3 days every time I walked around it was like my blood pressure would go up and I would get pain in my jugular vein all the way up to my jaw and I would get short of breath I assume from anxiety). I just had to really relax, which I can never do so I always ended up overdoing it and then being freaked out. I had my appointment and the oncologist said all was well and the pain and pressure went away. I am very curious if anyone else had this issue since I couldn't find it on google. Please comment if you had something similar.

Now 6 days later I feel pretty darn good. The pain is only a bit at the incision site, you can hardly see the port under my skin and all is well. I still think it was the best decision I have made, and I hope the trial run tomorrow is a lot more relaxing that getting stabbed a million times with an IV for them to never get it right and end up with 12 holes in my arm for only 2 successful cannula's like last time. Apparently from most other cancer patients they all agree, the port is the way to go! We shall see tomorrow!

Menopause is officially on it's way

2010-11-25T04:12:00.000-08:00

Well today I got my first Zoladex injection. I now have a hormone pellet the size of a grain of rice under my skin in my stomach that shuts down my ovaries in an effort to protect them from the effects of chemotherapy.

The injection wasn't that bad, they gave me an emla patch 30 minutes prior to the insertion so it only stung a little bit. The worst part is that they preformed it in the chemo suite. I went in they gave me a hospital ID bracelet, and asked me to go into the chemo section where everyone was being infused with poison. It really made me feel uncomfortable, I felt like I didn't belong...the worst part is I really do belong even if I don't want to admit it to myself. What a scary concept, very soon that will be me hooked up to ECG machines and toxic drips and there is not a thing I can do about it.

I have my new Official Chemo Start Date:

December 2nd, 2010

Well thats all from me today. In a sick and twisted way I am looking forward to chemo so it can be over and done with. I have my port insertion tomorrow so hopefully it goes well with minimal pain. I will check in again soon, I hope to not leave the blog for 2 weeks again, sorry folks :)

My Last Couple Weeks In A Nutshell

2010-11-24T03:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a wirlwind couple weeks and I appologize for not updating the blog in so long. One reason why I have been so distracted and busy is because I got a cellulitus infection in my axillar from my axillary clearance surgery and I ended up spending 6 days in hospital on IV anti-biotics. I was a bit of a nightmare but I am glad I am home and at least the infection has cleared.

Of course the infection had ramifications and delayed my chemo and port-o-cath insertion. I now start chemo on November 30th or December 1st. I am also undergoing the zoladex injections for ovarian suppression which I start tomorrow, I am a little worried about getting a drug to put me into menopause but hopefully the symptoms wont be too bad. Since my port insertion was delayed I am getting it on Friday. I have a busy weekend ahead and chemo is quickly approaching.

I am still very worried about chemo and I find myself very scared of an allergic reaction or severe side effects. I guess I have to find faith from somewhere, mine is dwindling and very sparse nowadays. I do find it hard lately to get excited and find happiness in things. I guess I have a hit a rut. I am sure I will feel better when all of this is behind me. In the beginning I never wanted to let breast cancer get me too far down, I guess I need to get back to that mantra. There are just so many stressful things, and I really miss my sister since she has decided to no longer be a part of my life. I guess the only thing keeping me going is my boys, they really do have the greatest ability to make me smile, they are fantastic.

Well I better run and get some things done. I am updating my ipod and getting somethings organized for Christmas. We are setting our tree up early so I can do it before Chemo and really enjoy it. I really love Christmas and I find myself very excited and I hope Chemo isn't too terrible so I can still enjoy the holidays!

Egg Pick Up Complete

2010-11-08T15:59:00.001-08:00

Well yesterday I had my egg pick up. It all went well, they say they aim for 8-10 eggs so they can prevent overstimulation of the ovaries. I got 12 eggs so they say I got a bonus! Hopefully majority fertilize and they grow nicely so I can put a good amount on ice. Its a strange feeling thinking my potentially future children are growing in a petri dish.

The surgery went well, although I was pretty sore waking up. They gave me some good pain killers (phentanol) and let me have a coffee and a sandwhich and sent me home. I only had to take a couple doses of panadiene forte (tylenol 3's) and now I feel fine. I am a bit bloated but nothing too bad. I think it went really well.

I am expecting a phone call before 12pm today to let me know how many have fertilized so I will update soon. I cannot wait until my oncologist calls and lets me know when I can use my embryo's....I am so stoked :)

Thanks so much everyone for following me on my journey. I appreciate all the support!!

I now have an official Chemo Date, yikes!

2010-11-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

Ok well I finally have the date where I will be pumped full of poison that will 'hopefully' save my life and keep the cancer out of my body forever.

November 16th, 2010

Thats it the day I am terrified of. I had so many emotions and cried like a baby when the oncologist told me he wants me to start then. The first thing I thought was "oh my god, so soon?" I thought I would have longer to wrap my head around it. I have pretty much ignored the fact that I would need chemo and basically just stayed oblivious and prayed maybe for some miracle I could get away without it. No such luck. So I will have it, as if I had a choice in the matter.

I also had a chemo information session. Talk about a lot of information to digest. There are a MILLION side effects. My white blood cells will plummet to scary levels so thats a given, so my immune system will be essentially non-existant. They give you the usual, "try to avoid small children and crowds"..yeah right because I can avoid my kids. So they have told me to pretty much develop OCD on handwashing and sanitization in the house. I can't eat pretty much anything, not even lettuce (grown in dirt) so basically the pregnant womens guidelines but more strict. I can't do a bunch of things for 10 days post chemo until my blood counts increase. Its pretty freaky the stuff that can happen.

I am keeping a fairly level head and trying to be as positive as possible. I am however getting some valium before my first cycle to calm me down prior to going in. I think I might be a head case otherwise. I also will have my port so I guess I can lose the anxiety about getting jabbed with IV's.

I am very scared and nervous but if it saves my life it will be worth it. So please body let the chemo work and don't let the cancer come back I beg of you!

In case anyone is curious this is trhe chemo I will be on:
Taxotere, Doxorubicin, and Cyclophospharide

Now for the serious stuff

2010-11-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

Ok well there have been some changes to my treatment plan. I have found out I am triple negative. That means I have no hormone receptors for my tumour which means I have less options for treatment and hormone therapy doesnt work. So basically if I dont respond to chemotherapy there are no other options. So lets hope chemo kicks my cancer in the butt and I can get on with life. I still need to do more research on triple negative, I am a bit scared and anxious of the unknown so I feel that research may help me overcome some of the anxiety.

Also I have my egg collection on Monday which I am looking forward to, one less procedure. I can't wait to see how many eggs fertilize and freeze well so i know my backup plan is really in effect! So by Monday thats 3 procedures in 6 weeks and I have one more prior to chemo. I am getting a port put in (also referred to as a port-o-cath) to make chemo administration easier. I go in for a smal surgery to get it implanted, basically it is an IV(canular) under my skin that can be acessed by needle and it has a tube being fed into my artery. Apparently they are less painful then IV's (especially with my terrible veins). They also leave the port in for 12 months post chemo just in case. So two surgeries down, one to go. I am just eager for this to all be finished but I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

I have also been seeing the occupational therapist. I have no signs of lymphodema at this point but I do have lymphatic webbing. I have had some massage sessions and laser sessions and I am hoping I can get this sorted because it is rather painful. It feels like I have a single cord thats too tight stuck in my arm so I cannot straighten my arm without pain. I have to massage several times a day and do more laser therapy. My OT is hoping to 'break' the cord' so i can have relief, which she says will be instant. Here's to hoping :)

An Update...

2010-11-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

I have been extremely busy lately. I started my puregon (hormone injections) for embryo storage and its actually a lot easier to jab myself than I accepted. I am now on the last day of hormone injections and I have not turned into a pyscho which makes my husband more than happy, haha. I am very excited to have embryo's on ice and know that I have options. Then I can start chemo and get all of this over with and get on with living my life. I have had people ask if I will try 'naturally' to have children again prior to using IVF, and honestly I don't think I would. I want another baby now, so waiting will be hard enough. I think as soon as the Ocologist gives me the ok I will book into the clinic and tell them to insert the embryo as soon as possible. I hope I get a good amount of eggs at the pick up, fingers crossed.

At the moment I have been so busy with party planning and it was my son's 3rd birthday party on Sunday so I have been baking up a storm. I have made a few too many treats and have been 'supervising' decorations (I am still to sore to do too much labour). I have also been doing treat bags, organizing games, costumes (its a halloween party) and the menu plan. This will be my last big party effort for a while so I have to make a big effort and have lots of fun. I can sleep next week, and at this rate I will need it. I find that giving myself something to look forward to is really helpful mentally, and it helps me keep my mind off the bad stuff and get through each day. I cannot just let myself fall into a funk.

In order to play distraction I also signed up for a cake decorating class which I am really enjoying. Its Monday nigths for 4 weeks. I am a bit disappointed because I may miss the 3rd class because of chemo but I will see how I go. I love making cakes and hope that I can gain some new skilss and really improve my technique.

I am doing pretty well lately distracting myself and I have started back at the gym. I have been doing pump, step and some cardio to get back in the swing of things. I feel fantastic by working on my fitness. I have even managed to eat ZERO sugar or saturated fat for 4 days, which at the rate of my 'oh poor me' choclate addiction for a couple weeks is a big effort. I am rather proud!

Second Thoughts

2010-10-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I am really starting to not want chemotherapy I wish I could say no. I am hating the fact I need chemo, the prospect truely terrifies me. I hate all of it every concept. I am so insecure about everything at the moment and dreading for things to get worse. Cancer sucks, not only am I going to have two 4-inch scars to live with everyday as a constant reminder I get to spend another duration of time bald. The news keeps on getting better because now I will be fat as well. All anyone can say is at least you are alive.....

"Cancer cures vanity" I read that on a facebook status recently, I am sorry but I have to disagree. Vanity is all I can think of, my beautiful hair, my fitness I have worked my butt off for, my healthy looking exterior. All of it will be a thing of the past in 3 short weeks. Its down right depressing and horrible, why me. I guess I could ask that question forever but I won the breast cancer lottery so now I have to cash the cheque and suffer the consequences.

I don't want to lose my hair, I love my hair. I have a wig fitting on Wednesday and I hope it makes me feel better although I doubt it. I know it will make me feel less self conscious but never 'normal'. I don't want to wear a scarf I don't want people knowing. I feel like hiding away until my 'normal' comes back. I just hope after the hair is gone I can get on with things and it comes back quicker than anticipated. Oh and a word for the wise, do not mention my hair, or assistance with shaving it. It is a touchy subject and it makes me feel like crap. I cannot come to terms with it yet so for other people telling me "it's no big deal" doesn't help!

Now on top of everything I get to get really fat. Seriously I would love an excuse but I have worked for MONTHS to get my fitness level up and now I lose it, all of it. I even read an article that the weight gain is purely fat, nothing else just fat. Oh and chemo ages me 10 years in one series of treatment. So I will be fat and in a 35 year old body. They say you gain around 25lbs, lovely.

Nothing could have prepared me for this level of constant disappointment. I will admit I have been lucky when it comes to the cancer not having spread but I am just tired of bad news. As I said I wish I could change my mind and my second thoughts actually meant something. I know I really have no option if I want to lower my risk of recurrence and death. I just wish I could be cured without losing so much in the process. I am sorry I am in a negative mood. I am sure I will be back to my positive self soon. Sometimes its just hard to concentrate on what you can be thankful for when so much negativity just hangs over you like a bad smell.

I am going to go to a support group next week, they meet once a month so hopefully that will give me some more perspective. I just hope its not as bad as it all seems, although it most likely is. Thanks for listening to me vent, I needed it tonight.