tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-115178012023-10-05T02:33:57.595-07:00Parody on technology news and blogs. Laugh while you can, because sooner or later I'll make fun of you. And then you'll cry. You'll cry like a little baby.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1115268113210800962005-05-05T21:41:00.000-07:002005-05-05T17:57:53.726-07:00Martha Stewart is expanding her empire to include high technology. Her latest book, "Stuff in my kitchen" includes several chapters dedicated to technology. For instance, there are sections on "How to build a web server out of tin foil and cobwebs", "How to provide voice over IP with dixie cups and your microwave" and "How to make a laptop out of a bread board and refrigerator magnets." Anxious to get in on the action, Fry's Electronics and Buy.com will be offering Martha branded technology products aptly named, "Garbage Tech."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1115245663865914722005-05-04T15:17:00.000-07:002005-05-04T15:27:43.936-07:00Alienware, which is known as one of the best manufacturers of PCs for gaming, is being sued by Ted Gurgleburp of Princeton, N.J. claiming that only authentic aliens are allowed to use the Alien brand name. Ted released the following press release, "We aliens have been watching as millions are made off of our name and likeness. If my spaceship had not burnt up on arrival I'd have blown this entire planet into pieces by now. Luckily, I can rely on the U.S. Court system to enable a pain almost as cruel." Ted is also filing a lawsuit against 20th Century Fox for "Independence Day" which Ted claims has a character in the film that looks a lot like his uncle Fred.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1115131128566766302005-05-03T07:31:00.000-07:002005-05-03T20:50:18.983-07:00A new computer virus, codenamed "MyWay", was designed to infect a person's computer and begin entering gibberish into people's word documents, excel spreadsheets, and powerpoint presentations. What the creator of the virus did not expect was just how much users would love this. Phil Cotton, a marketing manager for a major clothing company had this to say, "Most of my presentations are terrible anyway. When this new virus starting entering all that stuff into them I realized it was saving me huge time. I mean, no one really cares what I put on these slides!" Phil, like many others, began sending the program around to all of his friends with the subject, "Check out this great new virus!"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114698376078054512005-04-28T07:13:00.000-07:002005-04-28T07:26:16.080-07:00Apple Computer, in an effort to expand its market beyond the current demographic, released the iPotty today at select Apple stores. The device comes with a spinning toilet seat that speeds up based on how fast the child sits on it. It also syncs directly with most standard toilets and comes with a modified firewire that speeds disposal. Microsoft quickly released its own product, WinPotty, at the Windows Hardware Convention. Steve Jobs responded with the following, "WinPotty cannot compare. It crashes into the toilet bowl regularly and it does not posses true drag-and-drop abilities. Plus, it looks like shit."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114267335126202262005-04-27T07:39:00.000-07:002005-04-27T07:44:11.083-07:00Thousands of people flocked to Sam Davis' dorm room at UC Davis to see an image of the Virgin Mary burnt into his computer screen. Sam's neighbor Bill was one of the first to see the image, "I went over there Friday night. I think I saw it, but I was pretty wasted. It must have been really spiritual because the next day I woke up and didn't have a hangover." Word quickly spread and soon people from all over the world were flocking to see the image. Rev. Al Sharpton had this to say, "Let us pray that one day we all have a broadband connection to God with sin-blockers and spiritual controls. Amen.com"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114451093595464672005-04-26T07:38:00.000-07:002005-04-26T07:37:32.850-07:00In a bid to take the lead of Accuweather.com, the Weather Channel now allows users of its site to control the weather. "We hooked up huge seeding machines to our website, so now a person just needs to click on an area of the US and press the rain button," said Weather Channel's chief scientist. But the site was taken down shortly after when it was found that neighbors who did not get along were using the site to flood each others basements. Not to be outdone, Space.com released a press release indicating their site would soon allow you to blow space debris out of the sky using an old Star Wars satellite purchased in a government auction.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114450753203991782005-04-25T10:23:00.000-07:002005-04-25T10:39:13.203-07:00The convention, held in Indianapolis, drew in more than 30,000 fans this year. Two of those fans were Physics students from MIT and Caltech who had fashioned working laser guns capable of third degree burns. As if the school rivalry was not enough, the two got into a shouting match over Yoda. The MIT student called Yoda a "wimpy little toad with poor grammer" to which the Caltech student screamed "Pay for that you will" and began firing his weapon. At first the crowd thought the fight was part of a planned activity, but interest turned to panic as onlookers were hit by the burning lasers. One visitor left the conference dejected saying, "Just like in the movies my stormtrooper armor was useless against their guns, what's the point!"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114208497701755352005-04-22T15:19:00.000-07:002005-04-22T15:32:14.166-07:00That familiar beeping noise that scanners make at grocery store checkouts is creating serious headaches for Albertsons and Safeway. According to a court filing, Alfred Appleton of Boise, Idaho patented the sound forty years ago. Alfred is suing the two grocery stores for $1.1B in punitive damages. "That noise is what makes so many people want to shop at their stores," Alfred claimed. The stores countersued Alfred, a spokesperson for both companies said, "Alfred is smoking crack. That noise is really annoying. Hundreds of employees have gone on medical leave claiming that sound caused them mental anxiety."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114135025105731212005-04-21T18:55:00.000-07:002005-04-21T18:57:05.106-07:00An electrical engineering student at MIT was arrested Monday on the grounds that his research violated Moore’s Law. The law, which states that processor speeds will double every 18 months had not been violated for the past 40 years. Massachusetts State Police received an anonymous tip about the possible infraction and they investigated. “When we entered the lab we clocked the student running his computer at 12 GHz, that’s way over the 4 GHz limit of today. He tried to escape through the window but we hit him with the tazer and maced him for good measure.” The student can expunge the incident from his record by taking a remedial microprocessor class.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1114037078420939942005-04-20T15:36:00.000-07:002005-04-20T15:44:38.420-07:00Pope Benedict XVI has issued an edict that no Catholic is to use telephones as they are the work of the Devil. In a press release the new Pope said, "Any device that can connect Catholics to Heathens is an abomonation. When I was a kid we used smoke signals and we liked it!" The new Pope also declared computers unholy, Bill Gates the right hand of Lucifer, P2P file sharing to be "a worse plague than AIDS" and Silicon Valley the navel of Hell. However, the Pope stopped short of critizing all technology and said that adult diapers were a gift from God.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113923205762883672005-04-19T07:55:00.000-07:002005-04-19T16:06:29.503-07:00In a race to outdo the Getty Image collection, Bill Gates has substantially increased his investment in Corbis, his company for acquiring rights to photos. Corbis has contacted mothers all over the US and paid them for the rights to all of their families images. Joe Williamson, a factory employee at Kitchen Aid, was showing his coworkers pictures of he and his wife that he carried in his wallet. Moments later Joe received a call from Corbis indicating he would have to license those photos going forward. Other organizations that have received cease and desists include State License Offices, U.S. Passport Agencies, and Sears Family Photo centers.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113859090066763482005-04-18T14:10:00.000-07:002005-04-18T14:18:10.066-07:00Scientists at the University of California released a statement yesterday about their successful creation of a nano robot that could help scientists detect diseases within the human body. Unfortunately, shortly after they released that statement the nanobots disappeared. Said by one of the staff scientists, "It was probably Joe, he is always losing everything. For all we know the little robots could be hiding underneath one of our fingernails. We're afraid to wash our hands. Damn that Joe!" Refusing to get discouraged, the scientists have now begun building "find & rescue" nano robots to help them locate the first robots. Joe is trying to help the situation by arranging the atoms in the shape of a Saint Bernard.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113609887996249382005-04-15T16:58:00.000-07:002005-04-15T17:04:47.996-07:00In a bizarre twist, twelve year old Matthew Smith found his 200 word essay on Abraham Lincoln destroyed by a virus on his computer. According to Matthew the virus was transmitted through an AOL IM Chat Room under the name dogsarebad.html. In tears before his teacher Matthew explained the situation, "I clicked on the link and a picture of a dog appeared and began eating little Microsoft icons. All my hard work is gone. It was a good paper with lots of facts just like we were asked to do." When asked to verbally recount as much as he could, the boy indicated that the virus also showed him fake sites about Abraham Lincoln and so he better not say.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113493068278016452005-04-14T08:30:00.000-07:002005-04-14T08:37:48.280-07:00Forbes has taken a bold move in its online efforts by removing articles from its website. "We just did not have room for them on the pages anymore. We have ads, navigation, email sign-up, article shortcuts, quotes, popular stories, and so much more. The article just did not make the cut," said the Editor-in-Chief of the online publication. Other publications are following Forbes' lead but using different approaches. For instance CBS Marketwatch now puts an ad before the page with a link that says, "Click here if you do not not not want to go to the article." Clicking on the link pops up a window that says "Are you sure?" which when clicked on says "Are you sure you don't want to go forward or do not want to go back?".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113409783479637582005-04-13T09:17:00.000-07:002005-04-13T09:29:43.480-07:00The two Mars rovers have finally met up with each other. As the Spirit rover approached the Opportunity rover the cameras picked up an unexpected sight. On the back panel of Opportunity the words "Wash Me" were written in the fine layer of dust covering the vehicle. Said one member of the staff, "When we first saw it many in mission control began to panic. However the younger members of the staff, particularlly those right out of college, found the situation very funny." When Opportunity's cameras were turned back on Spirit, the words "I Suck" were written on its back.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113320586911688212005-04-12T08:37:00.000-07:002005-04-12T08:43:06.913-07:00Not to be overshadowed by the Donald, Larry Ellison has a new show coming to FOX targeted at Engineers. The program, titled "Codebreakers", will invite a dozen top programmers to the Oracle campus for a twelve week intensive competition. Those familiar with the pilot indicated that tasks included "writing a SQL query while covered in honey and sitting on an ant hill" and "hacking into Larry's personal desktop, but receiving a shock every time the firewall catches you." At the end of every show Larry fires one of the candidates with his signature "You're delete start dot star'd."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1113234644515359482005-04-11T08:50:00.000-07:002005-04-11T08:57:53.330-07:00Pope John Paul II was known for his groundbreaking use of technology within the Church. One example of this were his additions to the succession plan that involved the use of the Internet to help pick a successor. Internally developed "Papal or Not?" is a website that allows Cardinals to submit pictures of themselves and have anyone from the 1.1 billion members of the Church vote on the best candidate. Some within the church have argued that adoption of such new technology is too dangerous, but others dismiss these concerns from what they called "the minority of less attractive Cardinals".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112923388833313772005-04-07T18:20:00.000-07:002005-04-07T18:23:44.906-07:00TIVO bought 12 patents from Anheuser-Busch that involve drinking beer while watching TV. Patents included "Method by which a person drinks beer in one hand while putting other hand partially down front of pants" and "Method by which a person puts two beers into cup holders on a hat and are free to change the channel with other hands." With 50% of Americans estimated to drink beer while watching TV, the patents could yield TIVO millions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112805362144171552005-04-06T09:35:00.000-07:002005-04-06T21:43:15.013-07:00An agent working for an arm of Homeland Security has come forward to discuss his work listening in on Americans. Intercepted messages included people's phone calls, mail, email, and instant messages. After two years working for the government the anonymous worker finally quit in frustration. He had this to say, "American's have absolutely nothing interesting to say. All I heard every day was mindless dribble about who was going to win American Idol and what was Paris Hilton going to wear that evening. And people say their afraid of the government listening in on them? The world would be better off not knowing what you have to share!!!"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112754877594390152005-04-05T19:34:00.000-07:002005-04-05T21:21:25.056-07:00After continued problems with his Verizon long distance service, Bill Gates asked his chief of staff to "get me MCI immediately, if they won't move fast enough let me know and I'll call their CEO." Misunderstanding his boss' request, the assistant sent an email to Bill's financial manager who promptly bid $9 billion for the company. After finding out about the mixup Bill fired his chief of staff by phone, ending the conversation with "can you hear me now?"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112674499309313722005-04-04T21:10:00.000-07:002005-04-04T21:14:59.310-07:00A respected technology journalist was caught republishing old articles today and only changing the name of the company involved. "Yahoo adds stock quotes to portal" was changed to "Google adds stock quotes to portal". "Lycos adds map service to site" was changed to "Google adds map service to site." When asked about the infraction, the journalist indicated he had done no wrong. "The story really was the exact same four years ago. Why people keep reading this crap is beyond me but I'll take the paycheck either way."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112382462758005912005-04-01T10:55:00.000-08:002005-04-01T11:07:42.760-08:00The unusual success of the protein-heavy Atkins diet is rooted in the way humans used to eat when they were just simple cavemen. Researches at the Mayo Clinic have found that diet is not the only habit we can learn from our Neanderthal fathers. Researchers found that among a test group of 100 people, 78 of them were happier and more likely to live longer lives by beating the crap out of anyone that bothers them. The most successful of those 78 were those using instruments most like a club, such as a baseball bat or tree branch. Other behaviors that have a positive impact include hiding at home, not bathing for weeks at a time, and taking multiple mates. Researchers said that at least one place in the world is already living by some of these lessons, specifically citing how the British share the same dental hygiene as their million year old ancestors.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112305106275172492005-03-31T13:28:00.000-08:002005-03-31T13:38:26.276-08:00The US government has decided to reduce the deficit by outsourcing the Space Program to India. The government expects to save over $1 trillion dollars over the next fifty years. All seven astronauts were found picking outside of the Houston Space center with signs that read "New Delhi, we have a problem" and "Monsoons + Shuttles = Bad Idea!" President Bush responded to fears that the US would lose its technological edge with the following, "Don't think of it as outsourcing the space program, think of it as gaining a space inlaw. I mean at the rate we are going through astronauts we're going to need a bigger population to select from. India has something like 1 gazillion people living there so it's perfect."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112234454719416232005-03-30T17:51:00.000-08:002005-03-31T09:42:20.863-08:00In an unusual move American Standard, one of the largest producers of toilets, has developed a highly energy efficient car that runs on people's crap. The new car, nammed the Poopster SX is equipped with four leather covered toilets that feed directly into the main power plant. "The Poopster gets 200 miles to the um, well, bathroom break. A family of four could drive across the state of Texas with just one stop at McDonalds," a spokesman with American Standard said. Not to be undone, Toyota has announced its own plans to release a crap driven car in 2006, in partnership with Kohler. Called the "Shitake" it will get 250 miles to the crap.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11517801.post-1112141886759181332005-03-29T16:03:00.000-08:002005-03-29T16:18:06.760-08:00It was discovered today that the very Supreme Court judges hearing the MGM vs. Grokster hearing are actually swapping files themselves. A quick search for username "scaliaindahouse" found that Judge Scalia had downloaded songs such as "Hate it or love it" by 50 cent and "Drop it like it's hot" by Snoop Dog. Even Rehnquist was found with a few songs including "Switch" by Will Smith and "Obsession" by Frankie J. When asked about the music Rehnquist had this to say, "I got those tunes legitimately from Ginsberg. She's got it going on."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0