A slice of life and matters of the heart!

Falling in love with the lock down

2020-07-22T04:01:00.001-07:00

Yes I know. There's a lock down and the world has stopped for most of us. It has even fallen apart for a lot of people. But life has a way of going on and giving you some unexpected joy when you least expect it. Here is one such story! It is amazing and I can't help but share it with the world.

As you know, I run Footloose No More. This means, I am all bout love & relationships. The good, the sad, the happy, the complicated, I've seen it all. And through the lock down, the stories have become even more interesting. On to the story -

Since the lock down began, we have been conducting virtual meet ups. They were meant to get people together so they could remain connected, have a few human interactions and also work as a community of people who meet once a week, virtually, to just talk about everything except work. We also hoped that people would discover each other as more than "just friends".

And then, it happened! Girl met boy at one of the event for singles. They had a conversation since they spoke to everyone. They decided to exchange numbers. (It's easier to do this on Footloose No More since members are screened so there is an element of safety. Though I would recommend not doing this with rank strangers you meet online. Only do it when you know that there's someone who's got your back). Back to the story - They talked & talked & talked. Then they decided to meet. Since pubs, movie theaters, restaurants are all closed, they decided to go for a walk. So they met! No going out? No dressing up! No cool setting? Nothing to impress each other with. Mask? No make up! Going for a walk? Sweaty as hell! Since all trapping have been stripped off, conversations just have a way of getting real. Soon the walks became a regular affair. Things got more real! And when you've met the real person, your reservations vanish!

And that was my conversation with them today - They have decided that this is it! They are ready to tie the knot! The families have met virtually and now they are just waiting to fix the date.

So it does happen! Go ahead! Look. Don't give up - EVER! Because it can and will happen. Keep looking, keep connecting, keep that hope alive. Want it. Expect it. It's what you deserve! Just keep your safety in mind. And when you go out in the sun, always wear sunscreen.

Love in the times of lock down

2020-04-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was speaking to a friend who is “looking for a ladka” for her cousin. My friend is educated, highly progressive & great fun! The cousin in question is extremely attractive, very bright, Studied abroad, independent & a fashionista. I asked why she would not look for someone herself (trust me to put my foot in my mouth) and there was a long silence, followed by a shocked, “what?”. I backed off but it got me thinking.

Why do most Indians (some of us are different) give up on falling in love even before we begin? We study, work hard and look after our families. We know that someday we have to get married, have kids & be a large happy family. But where does that important milestone of falling in love go?

How often do we hear the words, “my parents are looking for someone” or “I am looking for someone for my brother/sister”? Even on matrimonial platforms, there are often parents or siblings who are logging in and communicating with prospective brides & grooms. Why are most of us confident that our parents will eventually find someone for us to marry?

It’s almost like it’s not part of the DNA of a large part of our population. Almost like we don’t really expect to be able to find someone for ourselves. And we often don’t expect to really fall in love and end up giving up on the butterflies in the stomach, the breathlessness, the waiting to meet & the goofy smile that connecting with someone can bring.

It is so ingrained in us that a lot of us don’t really know how to engage with the opposite gender (I know that it doesn’t apply to everyone). But social interactions, even the ones that lead to the happily ever after are a matter of practice. The more we connect, the more we polish ourselves, become more confident and sure of what we want. So interact we must!

So during the lock down, explore online spaces where you can meet singles ( I would naturally recommend Footloose No More, but go ahead and check out everything). Connect & take that step.

And as always, be safe!

https://footloosenomore.com/

When you are best friends with your ex!

2019-11-18T03:17:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine just started seeing a guy. He's fabulous. He's attentive, intelligent, successful, compassionate, funny, charming...you get the drift. But the relationship is in pause mode. Nope. My friend is not nuts...not completely anyway. The problem is the ex! Though not in the clingy, nasty way. She is just around too much.

Now, I am a great believer of healthy, happy relationships with the ex. A person who spends his/her time complaining and maligning the ex is definitely unattractive. But there have to be boundaries in relationships of this kind. Especially if you are looking to start a new relationship with a new person.

The problem with Mr. X is that his ex is always in the picture. There are dinners, lunches, family gatherings, long chats on the phone and constant whatsApp messages. They spend a lot of time together, which is great, since they have a son. So the excuse is that they want the son to be comfortable. But my friend is distinctly uncomfortable. They will go out for dinner and the ex will call on some pretext. They will be hanging out and the ex's uncle will drop in because he is in the area and he loves Mr. X.

To me, the kid seems like the excuse. It seems that the ex and Mr. X still have a relationship going. They don't seem to have accepted that they are now divorced and have separate lives. And why should they? It's perfect! You are not married anymore but you have the best of both worlds. You are independent and yet together.

But my friend is set to bolt. Naturally! She feels like it's a relationship with both of them. She likes the ex but feels it's not fair to her. She wants a life where they are together without the 3rd wheel. She wants Sundays where she can take the son out with him. She wants to play the step mother. She loves the kid. But the kid isn't willing to accept her. He sees her as the vamp who is standing between his parents.

It isn't fair to the kid either. He is still thinking the parents will get together. It is tough enough to have your parents separate without having to deal with this weekend of complete family happiness followed by lonely days when daddy is not part of your life.

The question is, how do you have a new relationship while still having the old one? And how do you help your child deal with it without lulling him in to a false sense of security? How much is too much?

In my opinion, Mr. X certainly needs to lay down boundaries. And if that is too much, he should accept that it isn't over and give it another try. Who knows what a little thinking may bring.

Meanwhile, when you get into a relationship with someone, make sure you're not just the back up or 3rd wheel in your own relationship!

How to win a girl - a man's point of view.

2019-07-16T23:52:00.003-07:00

Long ago, I wrote a post on "how to win a girl" from a woman's point of view. Now we have an article from a man's point of view. This one has been written by Kedar Anil Gadgil, whom we know to be practical and wise. And he should know, he wooed the most amazing lady by being himself (or so we think). Read on -

Men need to be MEN for women to be impressed.

unfortunately, the only 'manly' things some men tend to do have gone out of fashion with the invention of fire and they end up looking like boors and neanderthals...that is what they think 'being manly' is about...loud talking, being aggressive, using vulgar language, having body odour & dirty nails, and considering that there are only two states a woman can be: mother/sister or lover. any other state (like 'friend', 'professional', even simply 'human') is unthinkable.

and even more unfortunately, still other men think that being politically and socially correct means letting go of their manhood, and becoming more and more shy, effeminate and scared of showing their inner man in public, especially in mixed company

both the above types abound in our society and though, through FLNM's tight controls, you manage to keep out the former, what it does is brings in the latter. men who are afraid to be men. as you must have realised that most men do not understand the words, 'golden mean' and sway and oscillate between being boorish and sissy from time to time

most men, however, forget that there is a way to be a 'man' without being a neanderthal. the one manly thing that has not gone out of fashion is 'taking charge' and men who cannot do this can expect little in return, unless they are looking for a kiran bedi or a benazir bhutto (ok, that was a joke!)...but on a more serious note, men who are single must realise that being a 'man of action' is what attracts the ladies, and most women, or at least the ones they want to be with, will be put off with either of the two extremes. men need to take charge, sally & go forth without seeming to overwhelm or harass. this is a fine art and like other fine arts, can only be mastered through practice. for this, the men have to be prepared to take an occasional 'no', and need to learn where the thin line is. but then, if it is an art, and one need practice, how does one get practice without getting slapped in the process?

now, here comes the important point: intent. as the saying goes, "there are no good men, only good intentions". one needs to approach the issue with good intentions. if these are honourable, chances are, even if you make a mistake, you will not have gone down a point of no return and can easily extricate yourself gracefully. if you approach a woman with an intent to befriend, get to know her better and maybe see if it might work out, you are already a winner, regardless of whether it works or not. you will always come out with your head held high and some new lessons learnt. if you approach a woman with a less than honourable intent, i cannot be sure whether it will work or not, but i can guarantee that if it goes wrong, it will go terribly wrong. so, i feel that men who are scared of the consequences of being a man of action or of taking charge, are also unsure of their intent, since they probably imagine how it might end badly, calculate the odds, and stay away. on the other hand, men who approach the issue with honourable intentions rarely fear things going wrong, and are hence, more confident in their attitude and impress women

it all boils down to what you think about women and how you treat them. what you want out of them flows directly from this attitude. so, my advice to men: introspect what you want and how you look at the opposite sex. change what you need to change to make sure you have the right objective in mind when looking at another human. the right expectations and honourable intentions, coupled with a 'take charge' attitude will get you where you want to faster than you can imagine.

Kedar Anil Gadgil

When Harry Met Sally

2019-07-16T05:22:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, Harry met Sally. Then they married other people. Then they got divorced. Met again but did nothing because, "OMG! We've known each other too long." And that was it. We watched a film about 2 idiots and the film was crap, even if it's the story of most of us!

But I do know a real life Harry and Sally. Recently single, they are consumed by analysis paralysis. Both thinking about it, putting obstacles in their way and doing nothing. While the rest of us are watching the chemistry, wanting to shout, "just get on with it!"

The problem is the analysis paralysis.
He says, "Oh! It's complicated." And we wonder what is complicated. You're single, she's single - where's the complication?

She says, "I've known him all my life. We really get along." Clearly that's a problem. You are friends with someone you hate. No? Oh wait! You like him!

He says, "I know her ex." "You are friends with him?", we ask. "No. I haven't been in touch with him since he vamoosed from her life." Dodo! You're friends with her! You were tolerating the ex because he was married to her. Now he's gone. Ask her out already!

She says, "I like him too much to do this." Wow! We didn't know you were planning to murder him. Because if you like him, go out with him, for God's sake!

"I don't know how she feels." Ask her, you goof!

"What if it doesn't work out?", she says. "What if it does?", we ask.

All I want to say is, sometimes we just complicate stuff in our own heads and lose out on the good stuff. And some of the best relationships start out as friendships. Because isn't it better to be friends first so there is something to keep you together apart from what you do in bed?

So please, Harry and Sally, get out of your own way and do something. And put us out of our misery! Remember, Harry and Sally managed to survive the declaration.

Whose fault is it anyway?

2019-07-02T04:20:00.001-07:00

I live in Mumbai, and as it happens every year, the city has flooded again! Everyone is busy cursing the BMC and the authorities. And I do agree that a large part of it is due to plain inefficiency and corruption. But I do accept blame on behalf of my fellow citizens. Let me tell you a story...

Yesterday, as I was out for my evening walk, a handsome young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, stepped out of his long, swanky car and dumped a styrofoam plate on the side of the road. 10 steps away from his scene of "crime" stood a forlorn, unused dustbin! But then, everyone knows that when you drive a high end car, you don't go near dustbins! Scenes like this aren't uncommon.

Once, while traveling in a cab, I had a dear friend, my fellow passenger, toss out orange peels on the road. When I objected, her answer was, "Do you expect me to keep it in my bag?" I said yes, she called me a dirty "ganwar" who liked to hang on to trash and never spoke to me again!

These are people who are "educated" (I'd call them "literate only", but then I'm a "ganwar" who carries trash home or puts it in the nearest dustbin). These are also people who go abroad and come back singing about the beauty and cleanliness of these foreign lands. They don't travel within India because it "dirty." But would they have the courage to throw plastic plates and orange peels on the streets there?

You love the beaches in Greece? Try throwing garbage!

We did this

She eats our trash

I grew up in Nainital. It was clean and beautiful. Then came people with their trash!

We contributed to this

Let's accept it! It's our own fault. We think dustbins are beneath us. And trash needs to be picked up by someone else, even if that's a human being exactly like us with equal right to dignity!

We've failed miserably! We've failed to teach our children. We've failed to teach ourselves. We don't know the meaning of "clean", "hygiene" or "beauty." Look around you. See what nature has given us. And how dirty we have made it. Got a beach? Let's litter! Majestic mountains? Oh! Let me fish out those plastic bottles. The drains just got cleaned? Let me break out my trash and restore it to normal! We may be the highest tax paying city in the country, but dirt is in our blood, our minds, our nature. We love it! What would we do without it? Below are pictures from India of places where we could live. And there are pictures of what we have made of them. Choose your favourite after you have figured out if you have been guilty of throwing trash where it doesn't belong.

So let's say proudly, "This is my country" and go back to our muck and dirt. More power to us!

Both these pictures are of India and this is where we should be living. And hey! We made it to a top 10 list by claiming 7 places! Three cheers for us!

https://wisetoast.com/top-17-dirtiest-cities-in-the-world/

Rheumatism - Living with an invisible illness

2019-05-15T04:22:00.001-07:00

I have it - rheumatoid arthritis. It's invisible - I look like a normal healthy person, it's not treatable - I will have it forever (as of now), it's common - along with a lot of other similar illnesses like firbromalgia, lupus, cancer, thyroid...the list goes on, it is debilitating in part, and yet I have learnt to manage it. It's not easy, but anyone who has any of these, learns to live with it. And before you say things like, "but you are too young to have arthritis", it has no age limit. These illnesses can happen to anyone. So I did nothing wrong, i didn't bring it upon myself, a little exercise or diet or losing weight or a positive outlook will not cure it. But this post is not about educating anyone about it. This is for those who have it. It's equally important for you to read if you know someone who has it. Because this is tough for anyone in contact with the illness, directly or indirectly.

On this one, let's talk about the ones who have it. Next week, I will write another one for those who have family & friends who have it.

If you have it or suspect that you do, please go to a doctor. And Google is not a doctor. I've never seen it's medical degree. Rely on google to find support groups (and you do need them), but do not convince yourself that you have it or can treat yourself.

When I was diagnosed with it, my 1st reaction was, "Oh crap!". Followed by "it's not possible". Then "why me." Then "what did I do wrong?" Then "My life is screwed!"

So yes! Oh crap is about right. There was a lot of disbelief and helplessness. And of course, refusal to accept it! I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd pretend I was just tired or that the twins had kept me up all night. Slowly I accepted that I did have it. And then it became easier. I changed my lifestyle (the ode to diet & exercise). I went from being a runner & gym junkie, dancing 5 nights a week in high heel, to a yoga follower. I ditched the heels, took my meds regularly and thought I'd be fine. I wasn't. The pain wouldn't go away!

I learned to live with constant pain. It's tough. My feet tell me to sit, to stop putting my weight on them. My fingers tell me to stop opening those bottles. But my kids are small, my work is physical, I need to travel a lot and spend hours on my feet, and I learned to manage.

The toughest part is the mind. The teaching yourself that bad days may be many, but there will be good days.

Lady Gaga has it.

Lucille Ball had it.

But even tougher are the ones who have no idea of what you have or a battling and are eager to dispense knowledge or lack thereof! (Remember the ones telling me to stop being lazy! Just do some weights everyday and your arms will be toned). You will have these ones too. Some will be close friends, some family and some well meaning random strangers you've just met! Ignore them. Smile politely and move on. It takes practice. I wanted to scream at them. But you can do it.

The positive outlook! Yes! That is important. You have to not give in! There is pain, for sure. But your mind is sharp as ever. Use it to tell yourself that you can still live your life normally. I do! I run with my kids on good days, I still dance, go on holidays and go for walks. I went paragliding, kayaking, trekking on good days. And I lay in bed and moped on bad. it's OK to do both. On bad days, I look like shit and that's OK. I found make up for those days (that's my coping mechanism. You will find yours). On good days, I'm unstoppable.

Find support. Ask for it. In my case it's my family. My in laws carried my kids for over 2 kilometers on a holiday in Bali. I would never have managed that holiday without them. I explained, they understood and supported. My parents, though they can't do much physically, are always around to make me laugh. My husband! It's probably toughest on him. Suddenly he has a wife who can't sleep, can't go on long walks with him and complains a lot. He learned to plan, adapt and change to suit my "pain of the day." It's tougher on the kids. They are 5 yrs old and can't understand why mom won't carry them or run after them. I am teaching them as best a I can. And now they give me the meds and slow down for me.

Managing it is about asking for support. Remember we are talking about an invisible illness. Which means that people can't see it. They think you are fine. So tell them (at least the ones who matter). Ask for help. Tell them how you feel. And understand that they may have had days of their own. Eat well, rest and trust that doctor.

But above all, treat yourself with a lot of kindness. You know what you are going through. Help yourself heal. It's not your fault and you don't need to be a super hero all the time.

And if you still have questions, ask me! I'm happy to answer or even let you just gripe to me. Now go. Love yourself.

Holiday with the crazies

Needed - a bit of kindness

2019-02-14T04:15:00.003-08:00

Me having a conversation with my 6 yr old niece -
Me - "Do you like our new swimming coach?"
She - Yup. (Clearly doesn't have my genes. Monosyllables is her thing.)
Me - What do you like about him?
She - He pushes me to do well. But he's very kind,
What? Kind? Is that a word a child even knows? I try to quiz her but she's back to her occasional nods but mostly ignoring me. She's done talking to this ignorant adult. But she gets me thinking...

Kindness! What a lovely word. One that we rarely hear and use even more rarely! We've certainly forgotten about how to put it into practice. We may know about charity, and a lot of people do it (the PR machinery & social media makes sure we know this), we also know about being kind to the less fortunate, needy etc etc. But what about the basic kindness? The little things that matter? The ones that are uplifting and heart warming? The ones that are performed not for the needy but for people like us - each other?

Let me start from the beginning.

Look around you (even at yourself). Social media - full of compliments for each other but that's what they are, compliments! Not kindness. Often they are just for social media, not really meant but a way to acknowledge that "I saw what you did". A thumbs up, "naice" (spellings anyone?), "looking good babe", "Wah! Maze kar." It doesn't even sound sincere.

On the other hand,it's a competition of who's doing better, who looks good and what have you. Punctuated by subtle put downs.

And in the middle of all this, we find it impossible to be kind to someone who "doesn't get us". We attach the label immediately - "moron." "Takes too long" - "idiot", messed up my order - "incompetent ass". And then yell, be rude, "show you", "teach you a lesson" starts.

Whatever happened to "it's OK", "you'll be fine", "you'll manage it next time", "try now", "you could do better", "I'm with you. Go ahead and try it". What happened to kindness?

What's with the judging, the labels, the impatience and the search for perfection? This seems to apply not only to the way we deal with others, but also in what we expect from ourselves. It's a state of constant war! It's a race where no one is winning. It's a place where everyone is anxious, faces FOMO and feels inadequate.

So the next time I'm feeling unkind, here's what I plan to do. I plan to ask myself, "does it really matter?" "Do I really need to berate this person?' "Do I really need to look like a million bucks all the time?" (I mostly look like out of circulation pennies, but that's another story). And most importantly, "can this be solved without being unkind?"

People, I notice, have begun to equate kindness with weakness or being a doormat. While what it is, is strength and peace.

All of us, as a generation are facing the loss of this simple thing and the next generation will be even lesser acquainted with it. So I'm starting today. I'm starting this circle of kindness, encouraging words and smiles.

And before you ask, no one's been unkind to me. At least not today!

Meanwhile, my niece is doing very well with her swimming coach. His kindness and encouragement is making a champ out of her in a way that pushing never could have! More power to you, sir!

The Ex Factor

2019-01-26T02:53:00.000-08:00

I ended up spending my evening with a friend whose ex had shared pictures of her family on social media. She is now married, has a kid and had just celebrated the kid's birthday. The pictures were adorable. But one look at them, and my friend's mood plummeted into despair. "This could have been my life", he exclaimed! And I agreed. It could have been, but it isn't, with very good reason.

They were seeing each other for a long time but didn't end up together. I don't know the reasons and nor is this about them. Time passed. She remarried, had her kid, moved pout of the country and seems happy in the pictures. My friend stayed single, grumpy and held the moving on against her. He always resented the fact that she seemed happy. Every time he saw her pictures, he thought he had missed out. If only they hadn't split up, this could have been his life. Maybe, but probably not!

You see, hindsight is a perfect science. You know exactly what you would have done in the past to make things right. But you didn't. And it ended for a reason. It ended because it wasn't working out. And if you had stuck together, loathe to let go, your picture probably would not have been this. And the split would have happened anyway because you weren't compatible. It's no one's fault. This couple just weren't meant to be together.

To covet the life and relationship your ex has now, with someone else, is self defeating. It just makes you resentful and unhappy, obsessive and hence unattractive!

The fact is, the ex has that life with someone else because of the person he/she found. It's about their chemistry and compatibility. That life was never going to be yours. This is the relationship those two people have. How could you have the exact same thing?

Yes! Maybe you would have had similar pictures. Maybe not. The thing to remember is that each relationship is different. And resenting or getting upset is not helping. So in stead of focusing on what the ex found, why not get out and find your own happiness? Why covet when you can have it too, only if you make the effort.

Moral of this very long story - get over it! And go find your own happy ending. And that can only happen if you get the ex factor out of the way!

All you need to know about social media security

2019-01-14T04:30:00.001-08:00

Another day, another conversation, another observation...

I was speaking to a girl who was very worried about the security of her social media accounts. She raved and ranted and said she didn't want anyone to see anything about her on social media. I couldn't understand it. She had accounts everywhere. She was on Facebook, Twitter, her pictures were all over Instagram, her work profile was on LinkedIn, she blogged, reviewed restaurants and wanted it all to be secret!

Which got me thinking - you want anonymity? Why have an account? Everywhere? Why put up public posts? Why blog, put up reviews or work information? Why put personal opinions on LinkedIn and pictures on Insta?

In this day & age of the internet, how much anonymity can we expect? And I'm no expert. I'm a normal girl with limited, if any knowledge. And yet I can see it.

I know someone who was paranoid about his personal information and security. He had no social media account. Yet, if you google him, you find as much as you need to know about him. And that is the truth about all of us.

Another point I hear often is, "I don't want my family to know anything about me." And yet, we are OK with strangers following us on twitter or looking at our pictures on Instagram. We are happy to air our views on Facebook which can be read by strangers, but we don't want our families to know. Isn't it safer to have the family know rather than strangers?

I find that we can do nothing without social media, email, Aadhar. There are CC TV cameras everywhere and we are trying to hide in plain sight! Considering we can't even buy a simple phone online without it. And this, when we are a world of online shoppers!

So what are we cribbing about? If you're out there, be there with aplomb! Be who you are. Put out information that you want people to see and know you by, because we all know that even companies follow our social media footprints.

Then what's with the paranoia? I'm getting married. I'm going to delete all my social media accounts, said one. So basically live a lie or have no past for the rest of your life? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is OK with your past.

"Oh God! My wife / husband will find out that I was on a dating / matrimonial website and stop trusting me." "Partner", I want to say, "How does your spouse think you found him / her?" Besides, suspect you? Not trust you? Because you had friends, had fun and looked for love? Really? How are you planning to spend your life then?

My views entirely, but you exist. You had a life and are going to have one as long as you are alive. Share it with those who matter (family included), stop pretending to be someone you are not, own your life and stop worrying too much. Just keep your own safety in mind and get on with it. And if it worries you so much, get off it. Don't be out there and bore everyone with your security concerns!

Just do it!

2019-01-09T02:13:00.004-08:00

Here's are excerpts from mails I have received over the last few days -

"I'm single. Ready to mingle. Can you find me someone? I'd really like to be married."

My first reaction was to shoot a mail back saying, "Of course! I'll line up a million people for you! Then you can choose because you're the coolest."

Option two - "Am I your mother?"

Mail two - "If I join your site / come to an event and don't like anyone, will you give me a refund?"

Wish I could respond with -

"Of course! In fact, if you like someone and end up married, but it doesn't work out, I will also give you an exchange offer because you know, we're only taking about people! I suggest you test drive them before you make a payment!"

Option two - "Of course! As long as you can give me a guarantee that you are perfect and everyone will be clamouring to be with you."

Needless to say, I wrote back politely offering no refunds or exchanges but plenty of advice!

And it made me wonder, why do we talk so much drivel? I understand that being single is tough. You're lost at sea and have no idea of where to find someone. Or even if you do, will things work out?

So here's a bit of gyan! Get out of your own way and see what you can accomplish. If you just sit at home, join up dating / matrimonial platforms endlessly, but do nothing, how the hell are you going to find someone? By shooting off mails to people?

If you are OK with a rank stranger looking for someone for you, the game is not for you. Accept it and move on. Talk to your family and let them do the job.

But if love be what you are looking for, then be prepared to work for it. And I do mean work! Log in to the sites you have joined. Respond to messages and actually step out and meet the people! Take your apprehensions along but don't let them hold you back.

For those who say, "I don't know what kind of people will be there", if you don't meet, you'll never know. Because I don't know the last time someone walked into your house to meet and convince you that they would look after you and be little boy / girl scouts! I don't know the last time anyone did the same thing they did all their lives and got something new. You have to JUST DO IT!

You are an adult, believe it! You will know when you are in danger, unless you stop listening to your gut. And you do know all about "meet in a public place", "tell someone where you are and with whom", "do not get in to that car", do not get in to a financial transaction or give in to requests for money or fall for sob stories" because that's not what dates are for. And above all, don't expect to have someone fall in love with you on the first date. For that experience, watch DDLJ!

So what are you going to do about being single? Write me or someone else a mail?

With RESPECT...#metoo #nomore #enough

2018-10-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

I act occasionally...I am part of this wonderful piece of work called The Vagina Monologues. These are stories of pain, humiliation and mutilation, told in a non threatening way. I am proud to be associated with it, but I do wish I didn't have to call it a "wonderful piece of work". How can these stories, true of almost all women be "wonderful"? And I wish I could call it a "wonderful piece of fiction"...which unfortunately it is not and never will be! Here's the thing we believe, silence equals death! And much as I wish we did not need a #metoo movement, here it is! We are finally speaking out. We are finally choosing to live and be live, once more...

Last night, when the story about our favourite #sanskari broke, it shook me. I have no idea why. I've never met him, only seen him on TV, and yet, I wanted to claw his eyes out for doing what he did! What all these wolves did... My first thought was, "I'm lucky! I haven't faced this in all my years on earth." And that was my moment of truth! I'm lucky? To not have been pawed and assaulted? Should that not be the norm? Should we not roam free? Is it not our basic right? WTF? When did we equate basic respect with luck? I'm sick to my stomach!

All our lives, we women, befriend women, bond with them over abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, financial...that is what most of our friendships are based on. Not on football and boys nights out but on pain, held hands, tears shed in the night, often calling each other for support when actually we should be nurturing the universe! And yet, we are broken regularly by those who have forgotten that we are the creators...hell! We have forgotten that we are the creators. And it's time to write a new story!

But before we do that, let's address the poor men who are frightened! Yes! You need to be! You know what you took away not just from us but yourselves too? You took away trust, romance, love, faith, the simple art of flirting, the mating dance, the teasing, the joy! You chipped away at all of this until we began to fear you. "Oh he's flirting with me. He must have an agenda." "He's too charming. He's going to be a wolf." "He's coming on too strong...trying to buy me a drink..." the list is endless. You killed it for yourselves too. It's come to a point where we don't trust the other gender. Romance is turning contractual and relationships are mired in absolute lack of trust. We look at our own fathers, husbands, brothers and sons and wonder if they could do it too. We look at our mothers, sisters, friends and daughters and wonder if they went through it too! Wonderful! What a wonderful world we have created for ourselves.

As for the women who are finally finding the courage to speak...just listen! Just listen to their stories. They don't want sympathy, they don't want to be seen as victims, want publicity or even justice (what justice can there be after a lifetime of pain?) They have chosen to speak because it's cathartic, they need to be heard, but above all they need RESPECT! It's not easy to talk about pain. It's not fun and it's not getting anyone awards! So shut up and listen...with RESPECT!

Here's a story for the women speaking out...my maid was assaulted by her ex employer. She went to the cops. And they came. The investigation was perfunctory at best, but the man's wife and 14 year old son were called to the police station. They knew what he had done! His son knows that his father was in the lock up for attempted rape. She will never get justice for what happened, but he can't parade as a respectable man anymore. The ones who know him, know him for what he is. He has no respect, this rich, educated man. She does. She has RESPECT from everyone for speaking out. So no matter how small vour voice or how few it reaches, speak where it counts. Then speak to people who can help in the healing process. Go into therapy if you can afford it (we know most of us can't). Reclaim your life and live!

And remember, they may have attacked you, but they cannot break you! Your honour, your respect and your reality lies not in your vagina but deep within you! Teach this to your daughters and teach this to your sons.

Go ahead and speak because the world is listening...with RESPECT!

The Real Reason Why People Remain Single.

2018-08-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

The Real Reason Why People Remain Single.

1.

Let’s be honest… Most people fail to find someone for themselves because they are not used to it.

That’s right. They simply have no idea how the relationship game works. It is an extremely volatile domain where people feel “bad” about this or that so fast… that it can make your head spin & egos get hurt at an unprecedented rate.

Because of this..most will try a few times and then give up and go back to not trying at all OR they will simply outsource this job to their parents. After all, it’s easier to judge someone during a short arranged marriage meeting that to be judged yourself.

2.

You don’t see the idea of finding someone for yourself a “priority”. It’s just one of those things that you want but don’t or can’t put much effort into. It is down on the “priority” ladder after work, family, friends, acquaintances & even NETFLIX.

3.

You have got into a pattern in life which you find hard to break out of. The excuses to stay in this pattern come hard and fast and they all seem completely valid. But the end result is that the pattern continues.

4.

You may be unpredictable. When someone calls you, one day you are pleasant and make plans and on others you are aloof. This sends out mixed signals to people looking for a stable relationship.
You are still behaving the same way as you did when you were younger but with age, the rules of the game change whether we like it or not.

5.

You meet people and maybe even go out with them but you don’t commit because you believe that there will always be “more”. Maybe this works in countries and cultures that are more open to relationships but here.. it may not always hold true. This is something that people discover as they go along in life.

6.

You may feel that all the good ones are already taken.
Men will often tell you that when they were in a relationship, girls used to think they are great guys.. (the good ones).. but when they turned single.. they don't think the same way about them anymore.
This is because we see the "good ones" from the perspective of their partner.
So.. are all the good ones really taken? Probably not. You’re still out there..aren’t you? So don't give up and keep looking.

7.

Your approach to “the checklist” is what the other person does not match instead of what he/she does match. This negative attitude may stop you from seeing the more positive aspects in a person. Ditch this approach and see what happens.

8.

Your expectations from a relationship may be unrealistic. No relationship can be exciting forever. You must find the one who you can have a conversation with, share thoughts with, be open with, be brave with, be real with for a long- long time. If you can’t spend comfortable silences together… the rest will be much harder.

9.

You are different from your parents. What they think might be a good match for you may be different from the kind of person you think is right for you.
This is normal because you are creating your own life and filling it with experiences that you enjoy. Your views are changing and you want someone just like you.

Don’t feel guilty about this. Find this someone “like you” unapologetically.

NO ONE talks about this.. but it's true.

10. That's it. Now get out there and find "the one". Connect with carefully screened members. Register on https://footloosenomore.com/

Are you good enough?

2017-11-24T02:51:00.001-08:00

Another day, another lot of people, and a few hours discussing matters of the heart! This time, the people were in their mid thirties to forties, and all had the same compliant - "we can't find anyone who suits our preferences."

This is something I have written reams about, but this comes up in every conversation and there seems to be no satisfactory answer. So this time, let me ask a question!

"Do you suit people's preferences?" When we talk about our search for "the one", we have a long list which usually goes like this - good looking, 5 figure income, fun, sense of humour, should make me laugh, look after me, not be too attached to parents, love travel, love to give me gifts and surprises...

WOW! That's some list! It's almost like we are setting out to get the perfect car or house!

But what no one ever talks about is what they plan to bring to the table! So you have 40 yr olds calling other 40 yr olds - too old! You have a person with a corporate job calling other corporate job holders boring, and you have people who don't know the difference between "their" and "there" calling everyone else uneducated!

My question is, when will we also look at ourselves? It's great for a middle aged person to want to be with a lissome young ting. But what about the PYT wanting to hang out with the middle aged person?

To us, unfortunately, everything seems to have become about Facebook pictures! We want to look at perfect profiles with happy, airbrushed pictures. In fact, we seem to want to become perfect profiles ourselves. But does a perfect profile mean perfect compatibility? does looking good in pictures together mean being good for each other?

Are we looking for an extension of arranged marriages where profiles are the only things that matter?

When did we forget that people are not profiles or pictures or the posts they share on social media? They are in fact, supremely interesting beings - a sum of their strengths and weaknesses, perfections and imperfections! Why do we ignore people and look at profiles? Why do we not converse or even chat?

And meanwhile, we have a lot of people, perfectly good people, out looking for the perfect profiles, still single!

Go change it, I say! Connect, converse and discover. Look beyond how you will look with someone or if the person will keep you entertained for a lifetime of give you all you want, because, trust me, someone who puts a smile on your face is better than someone who makes you laugh! Because small smiles are what relationships are made of!

And remember, the perfect match is a shade of foundation, not a person!

Doctor I'm in trouble!

2017-11-24T02:25:00.002-08:00

So I fell ill. Naturally, I went to the doctor, who prescribed medication and told me that I would be fine. And as luck would have it, I wasn't fine. So I called the doctor and told him that I was, in fact, in a lot of pain! The doctor got pissed off and told me that I should go to another doctor! My reaction was a simple, "what?" I'm the one in pain and I am not giving up. So what's with you?

Then my daughter fell ill. I took her to the doctor and the same thing happened! This time, the doctor had to go to her "other" clinic, she was tired and was snapping at everyone. The child, who is only 3 yrs old, picked up on it and went into hysterics! The doctor lost her cool and said if the child is not comfortable, I should take her somewhere else because she wants patients who have faith in her! Faith! From a 3 year old? Wow!

So what is it with doctors? What's with the God complex? As I understand it, everything is a trial and miss effort where the patient is pretty much the subject of experiments! I agree that you see a lot of suffering, but if you can't handle a job that puts pressure on you, shouldn't you be taking a break and sorting out your anger issues? Why does every patient who comes to you have to say, "I feel great. Thank you for asking?" If that is what I wanted, I would go to a tea party. And if I just wanted to sing praise, I would go to a place of worship!

So while I am willing to give the doctors a lot of rope because they are stressed, I am unwilling to deal with their tantrums!

How to get married quickly - the fail safe way

2017-08-23T05:29:00.001-07:00

I have written reams about this (you can look at my earlier posts), and yet, I get new fodder for this thought on a regular basis. A lot of it is from personal experiences and a lot from being an eavesdropper. I am also unofficial agony aunt to a lot of single people, men and women! And one thing I hear regularly is, "Please introduce me to a nice guy/girl." This is from people genuinely looking to get married so I know that the intentions are "honourable." And I do introduce them to people regularly - it's my job you see.

The one thing I have noticed regularly is that no one wants to put in the effort. This is the day and age of instant gratification and we want this in our relationships too. But how are you going to have a relationship with anyone? Asking is great, but how does anyone know what kind of person you would vibe with? Chances are, even you don't know. And if it is age, income and community that floats your boat, then arranged marriage is the only sure shot way. Parents know us best. They have put up with our nonsense forever. So if it's instant "correct" connection you want, then this is the route to go. But if you want to fall in love - ah! That is something else altogether. And you need to work for it. Trust me, the fruit will be well worth it - the walking on air, the smiling when his/her name crops up and a general feeling of "all's well with the world." This is something worth putting yourself out there for.

So to all those in search of love, like, and relationships, do it yourself! That is the only way to find your soul mate. Get out there, meet people and explore their minds. Don't shy away from that coffee, or lunch or breakfast, trek, travel, being online - just meet meet meet! And be patient because someone may introduce you to a lot of people, but you will have to work at getting to know them.

And remember, no one really knows you well enough to pick the perfect partner for you. That is your job. So quit being in a hurry and enjoy the scenic route. Trust me, I've been there, it is worth it just for the stories you can tell.

And when you meet someone you like, go for it. Stop waiting to see what else is out there. But remember to stay safe! And remind yourself, that you cannot ask someone to "find you someone to love!"

How to fall in love - A user's guide

2017-01-24T23:38:00.003-08:00

Of all the stories in the world, love stories are my favourite. They make me smile, laugh out loud, get misty eyed and I carry them with me at all times. They give me hope, joy and a lot of peace. Yes! I am one of those annoying women who love a happy ending. But even if there isn't one of those, I love the journey. I want to hear every love story ever told, look at wedding albums even if I don't know the people and I want to make people fall in love! Yes! I am one of those annoying women.

I have been in love constantly in life myself - with men, plants, books..as long as I am in love, I'm happy. But it wasn't always like this. I had my share of unhappy endings. I was miserable and scared to do it again. Until I met Prashant (he introduces himself as my "bitter half", my "victim", but that's another story. And I did fall in love with his sense of humour!)

I had started Footloose No More because I wanted to get married - or at least fall in love again - or meet someone I liked - and then I would see what happened. But, I now admit it - I was not really committed to it. I met people but never took it further. Or I avoided meeting people altogether. It was so much easier to stay in my comfort zone while pretending to be making an effort! And, as I told myself, had I not started Footloose No More? Wasn't that effort made? So I never ventured out. It was too much effort. It was easier to do coffee with Ritu, dinner with Gayatri, walk with Shehnaz, and go out in the evening with my usual bunch of friends, all of whom I had known all my life, most of whom lived within a 2 km radius of me and made me feel good about myself! I was a fulfilled and complete person. And that's the truth. I also secretly wanted to experience the rush of love, and that too is the truth!

Then I met Prashant. He wanted to meet, go out, have coffee, dinner, get to know each other....whew! That sounded like a lot of hard work. And for once, I decided to do it. I did all of the above. And that is when realisation dawned! Falling in love, finding someone to be in love with was work! It was a bloody process. You had to step out and meet people. You had to forgo that prior commitment to long standing friends, get out of office and keep yourself free to explore! Because sitting at home was getting me nothing!

I'm glad I made the effort because I did find that feeling again! I was complete then and I'm complete now. And I had no reason to worry or fear the unknown. Because I step out into the unknown everyday! I don't know what any day will bring. But I don't fear it. And I am still the same girl I was. Romance, love, marriage, kids - they didn't change me (apart from turning me into the woman who likes to give gyan, but bear with me). If anything, it's given me more strength!

I have no idea of what life holds for me in the future (there's the great unknown again) but I've learned to enjoy the excitement of it!

As for my friends, they are still around. I still do the coffee, dinner, walk and party, sometimes with husband in tow and sometimes without! And no matter what happens i life, I'm glad I did it. The effort is worth it just for the stories I now tell. Trust me and go try it!

Things we need to talk about before the wedding.

2017-01-22T23:07:00.001-08:00

We often have a million questions milling in our minds that we'd like to ask of the person we are emotionally investing in before making the final commitment. It often takes months before we get the answers to these questions. By then, it's tough to stay in the relationship or break up. How do you know how a person thinks in advance without killing the romance? You get on to www.footloosenomore.com

To get a preview, read the article below. It first appeared in Zee News online.http://zeenews.india.com/relationships/important-things-you-must-discuss-with-your-would-be-spouse-before-the-wedding_1966623.html

How to make sure a girl never goes out with you!

2016-07-13T00:42:00.002-07:00

Once my friends decided to introduce me to a single, eligible guy (that's the only time they did it because that's the only dingle guy they knew). Everyone seemed to like him and the general cry was "what a fabulous guy. Let's get him and Varsha hitched." So I landed up at the party, a little wary, but willing to give him a chance. The guy was hanging about the door, waiting to meet me. That was strike one against him - he was too desperate! Why was he not with his friends? After all, the party had been organised so we could meet, so why not be yourself? Do the things you would do at a party? Why wait like a wolf? It's not like I could run away after all that my friends had done to make this happen!

Anyway, we met - and he wouldn't let go! He told me everything about himself. Within minutes I knew what he did, all about his family, what he liked and didn't like, who his friends were (most of them were in the room but he told me anyway), all about his education, yada yada yada... Strike 2! Let me discover it myself!

Then came the questions - what do you do, how old are you, what do you like, how many siblings (my brothers were in the room too, but why not ask) blah blah blah...strike 3! Stop the interview! You sound like your mother doing a "ladki dekho." I wanted to ask him if he wanted me to sing, walk in a straight line, let him sample my cooking and knit a sweater for him! (Can't cook, can knit)

By now, I was desperate to run, anywhere, even off the balcony! But he wouldn't let go! I was trapped! I had come there to meet him, and by God, he was going to make sure that happened! I couldn't dance with anyone else because he wanted to show off his moves, which included about 35 left feet, I couldn't get myself a drink because gentlemen fetched drinks for the ladies. Now I'm a sucker for gentlemen, but this time I wanted to give up being a lady.

He kept asking me out (which at the start of the evening I had wanted to do anyway) - movie? I'll book the entire theater if you agree. Dinner? I'll fly you wherever you want to go? Coffee? I'll buy you the coffee shop! He could actually afford all this, but by now I was willing to be a nun to get away from men. Thoughts running through my mind were, "men are idiots." Finally, I was rescued by my brother and taken home where I switched off my phone to avoid him. He did have a lot of strikes against him.

I met him again years later, he was happily married except I pitied the wife, until he spoke to me. He said that he really wanted to be married. He had been looking for a long time, but hadn't found anyone. So when he met me, and I seemed like the right type, he tried everything to impress me and made a mess. After a few more interactions, I realised that he was in fact, a great guy, who just did everything wrong that evening! And when I remembered this incident, I decided to write this post.

I meet a lot of great guys who would make someone a wonderful spouse. The problem is, they are either too nervous about asking someone out, or make blunders in their eagerness to make an impression. In both cases, they come across as either simpletons or creeps. So here are basic rules to asking someone out -
1 -BE YOURSELF! You don't need to be like any of the other guys who are suave and glib. If that was the only thing that mattered, they would not be single too.
2 - Don't talk about your money and success. We can see it. And when you keep talking about it, you come across as someone who just got it and doesn't know how to handle it. Remember, actions do speak louder than words.
3 -Be polite!
4 - Repeat to yourself - do not touch. Do not touch. Do not touch.
5 - Don't lie because sooner or later you will get caught.
6 - We know you're eager to meet us. But stop pushing to meet NOW! Ask us out at a decent time. 1 am, just because that's when you'll be done with meetings makes you sound like a creep! Instead, wake up early and invite us out for breakfast.
7 - Stop asking us to come to your house! Or to come to ours. WE WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE WANT TO DO THAT!
8 - Revise no.4!
9 - Do not message and call late at night. Stick to human hours and tell the Dracula in you to go away!
10 - Revise no 4.

And women, please be kind to men but keep your safety in mind!

Age is just a number...

2016-04-09T04:39:00.006-07:00

If you are woman in your 30s, you've probably heard it already. And if you haven't reached this "ripe old age" yet, then rest assured, you will be haring it sooner or later. This line is not usually used to make us feel ok about being "old", "past our prime" or make us feel good. It is usually used by ignorant men who think this is the way to impress us.

There are even versions of this...and when we hear them, these are the answers running through our heads...

"Oh you're older? Don't worry. Age is just a number and I'm ok with it!" Whew! I was really worried that you may not be OK with me being an adult, since you clearly are not!

"Wow! You're older than me? Awesome! Will you pamper me and look after me?" Of course! All my life I've waited to find an imbecile to look after. In fact, I'm going to marry your dad, the officially look after you, my child!

"I've always wanted to be with an older woman! I bet you can teach me stuff!" Firstly, if you've reached whatever age you are and not learned "stuff", then I'm really sorry for you. You need help. So sure, I'll teach you, I'll teach you some manners, how to respect a woman and a lesson, though not necessarily in that order, because clearly, your mother failed at it.

"You're older. At this age you should be over this wanting to be serious thing and go for some fun!" Sure, I'm up for fun, but your idea of fun and mine will never match. You're just a moron and I already am looking down upon you.

"Your experience and my youth would be a perfect match!" I'd prefer my palm and your face to match!

We know what you're saying, and it's not complimentary.

No matter how you say it, a man saying this with a leery grin just comes across as a sleazy creep. We understand that you've watched porn and it's your fantasy, but really, do we look like we fit in? And don't even try to put on the "I'm so sincere" act. We can see through it. Which is why we sometimes actually marry younger men and go on to "look after them, teach them, have fun and be a perfect match", because with the right man, age is just a number.

But the thing is, this line is used by boys, not men. And we know the difference! You see, we've had more years of practice spotting them than you know.

Here's a lit of women who knew the difference and "men" who meant it.

http://www.bollywoodshaadis.com/articles/8-bollywood-celebs-who-are-younger-than-their-wives-1714

http://www.popsugar.com/celebrity/Famous-Women-Younger-Men-Pictures-36267077#photo-interstitial-0

The New Year Resolution!

2016-01-05T22:57:00.001-08:00

On a bright sunny morning, I got into the lift to go meet my kids over breakfast. They were staying with their grandparents (they seem to prefer it), when a lady got into the lift with me. She gave me a wide smile and I returned it thinking she must be someone I know.
"How are the kids?", she asks me.
"Fine. They've begun to speak. Quite a handful now." I reply politely.
"How old are they now?"
"18 months."
"Time to have another one. No?"
I stare at her in bewilderment! Last time I checked, my mom in law was home, my mom and assorted aunts were completely disinterested in my reproduction plans (even before I had the kids), and this lady didn't look familiar.
"You must have another one. Children need siblings", she persists.
I wanted to say, "as you command! In fact I'll name my next child after you. Oh wait! I don't know who you are. I've never seen you before and I probably never will again. I will only remember you as the crazy lady in the lift, but what does that matter? If you think I, a rank stranger should have another child, then it is clearly my duty to do it!" Instead I politely say, "Well I do have two!"
"Oh!", she sounds surprised. "I thought the other one was not yours!"
And the crazy old bat got off the lift, probably to go and ring someone's doorbell and interfere in someone else's life.
Turns out, she visits someone in the building and has seen kids playing downstairs. So she took it upon herself to give me some advice! She seemed like a well meaning old lady, but there wasn't any good in this conversation, was there?

And this pretty much sums up our lives! Strangers, friends, relatives who decide to inform us of how they think our lives should progress. "Finished college? Get married." "Studying art? For what? You'll make no money and just waste your time." "Shifting abroad? Take your parents." "Got married? Have children." "Making enough money in your job?" "Not got a car yet? Work harder!" "What? Don't have your own house? Do you want help finding a better job?"

The thing is, though we either laugh or complain bitterly about these people, most times we let these things influence us! Look back and think. How often have you wanted to do something and stopped yourself because "what will people think?" "My friends will laugh at me." "I will be called desperate!"

This getting influenced is pretty subliminal. We're conditioned to conform and everyone has the right to comment somewhere in our sub conscious. And it doesn't end will nosy old neighbours and aunts. Our friends have the right too! However evolved we may be, we do think of what society will say and end up giving up a lot of our freedom and happiness willingly, though we may not realize it.

"Can't drink too much. People will think I'm a lush!" So? Will these people be paying my bills? "Can't marry that girl. She's great but not pretty enough and I want my friends to be impressed by my wife's beauty." This one is not direct and pretty much self generated. "Can't go out with that guy. I like him but he's bald and people will wonder why I'm with him!" Really? Would these be the people who will never lose hair?

When I was single and started Footloose No More with Abhishek, our friends laughed - called us desperate! Hell yes! As Abhishek very wisely puts it, "desperate is a positive word! Only if you are desperate for something will you go out and get it!" Desperate for a new job? You'll hunt. Desperately hungry? You'll go out and get food in biting cold! Desperate for a drink? You'll call everyone in your phone book to see who wants to go out! Then why not be desperate for the things that could bring you joy? Why think about what people will think? Is your life not all about you?

As I look back on my life so far, I realized that everything I've done that brought me joy was insipte of what anyone thought! I went out and led a full life, full of little joys and giant troubles. But it was all my own. And if I were to weigh it, even when I failed, I failed with joy at having given everything I wanted a shot without caring about what anyone thought.

And I learned the greatest lesson in life - People who matter don't mind. And those who mind, don't matter!

This new year, go ahead and try it. Live for yourself. It's your life and you get just one shot at living it the way you want. It will never be perfect, but it will be yours and what you make of it.

This year don't make a resolution, start a revolution - for yourself!

Happy New Year!

When we look back...

2015-12-02T02:27:00.000-08:00

I remember watching a film very long ago. It was called Yeh Wo Manzil Toh Nahi directed by Sudhir Mishra. It was about three school friends now old men, travelling by train from Bombay to Rajpur for the centenary celebration at their boarding school. On their journey, they recall their days of student activism, and failures. Upon reaching they find once again confronted by political skirmishes, which reminds them of events wherein they failed to uphold their conscience. Till date, it remains one of my favourite films.

Today, when I see people's reactions and over reactions on scial media, in the news, in our living rooms, I wonder if some day we will look back at what we do to our world and say, "Yeh Woh Manzil Toh Nahi!"

I see people having arguments on Facebook about things and taking opposite stances. So far so good, because afterall, it's a democracy and we have the freedom to express. Then suddenly the people in the argument have unfriended each other and sometimes became sworn enemies!

Discussion is great, arguments are welcome but these violent reactions, everyone sharing stuff on social media without thinking ... is this who we are? Is this who we want to be? Do we really feel proud of ourselves after we have unfriended people for eating meat or going out at night, supporting a political party whose ideology we don't believe in? Are we really bigots who were dormant for years ad have now become active?

Yes, someone didn't stand for the national anthem and they deserve to be punished, by law, because it is a legal matter! But sharing news feed that says "Muslim family evicted" is just fanning the fires. What if they were Hindus or Christians or non religious? Would they still be anti nationals or terrorists?

When did we start talking about people like this? Are we soon going to introduce our friends as "my Buddhist friend", "my gay friend", "my straight friend"...Do we just want to label and judge? What happened to us?

Are we even thinking for ourselves or are we mere pawns in the political game, just turning into armies on the street for one faction or another? Or are we simply allowing the media to fan the fires and adding to the mass hysteria helping create content for news channels in the TRP games? Are we victims or culprits here?

Once upon a time people argued, aired their differences and went about the business of living. If you didn't like meat, you didn't eat it. You didn't like a person, you stopped speaking. Didn't like a car, didn't buy iy. Today, all of us seem to be keepers of some misguided morality which can only be kept by violence, be it words or actions! Whatever happened to freedom to choose? And let's not blame the government for it because we ourselves are taking it away from each other.

The nation doesn't want to know...it doesn't need to know! And it needs to stop pointing fingers saying if they can do it, so can we! What the nation needs is to calm down! We need to realize that eating meat or dal can be an issue only when everyone can make the choice between them. As it happens, most of the Indian population can't! Give us roads, and we'll discuss road rage! Provide basic safety to our women and then discuss their moral rights! Give us jobs and then tell us what we can or cannot do! Give everyone education and then complain about fees!

Until then, stop shouting yourself hoarse and unfriending people. And start thinking for yourself! And for God's sake, stop the mass hysteria! Focus on the real issues!

I'm a simple woman, and I already look at where we have reached and say "Yeh Woh Manzil Toh Nahi!"

What we want from relationships.

2015-11-30T02:48:00.001-08:00

I met a guy a couple of years ago whom I befriended at a party just because he was shy and I was "Jhansi Ki Rani", rescuing this poor guy! He was trying to run away from the party but unfortunately for him, he bumped into me at the gate and I dragged him back, promising to hang out with him. Slowly, I got to know him. He is shy, but will always speak up for what he believes in. He is loyal without being clingy, well to do but not flamboyant, polite but not a pushover, ready to commit to the right girl but without cramping her style. Basically, he'd tick most boxes.

And I met a girl who also ticked all boxes. She too wanted to meet and settle down with a guy who wanted to commit. Naturally, they got together and it seemed like a match made in heaven. They got together and all seemed fine. He proposed to her, she rejected him. Reason? He was too committed!

What does that even mean? What on earth is "too committed?" Is it a person who is ready to commit? So do we want someone who will give us the run around citing all kinds of issues? Is that what we find exciting?

Is a person "too committed" of he/she promises not to cheat on you or even look around? Is that what scares us because it takes away the most commonly used excuse for getting out of a relationship?

Is it when the person wants to spend time with you as opposed to saying, "Hey! It's New Year's Eve but you do your thing while I do mine because if I ask you to spend time with me, I'll seem to committed?"

What is it that we want from relationships? Freedom? Commitment? Generosity? Understanding? Space? We make up these lists in our minds and then we want it all or a balance thereof. While fact is, in a relationship, like in life, there is never perfect balance. We need to pick and choose in order of priority.

But above all, we need to be sure that we are ready to commit in our hearts before setting out to explore people's emotions. Because, I do agree, the thrill of the chase is great, it's fabulous to see what turns up next and the butterflies only appear when romance is new, but romance is not lasting...love is! Excitement is momentary...but commitment...that's my favourite word!

If we say we are ready for thee "ever after", perhaps we should first give up on the excuses that stop us! I've put down some of my favourite ones that I've heard over the years. Feel free to add your own :)

I've been traveling a lot. (Really? Every weekend? You need to quit that job!}
I'm really shy! (And it's got you nowhere)
I'm too different! {Just like everyone else)
I've never met anyone decent. {And you figured this out in the one time you got out of your comfort zone?}
I've been trying to meet people but it isn't working. (From your couch? By looking at pictures and rejecting or accepting?)
No one spoke to me! (This brings out memories of class 2!)
I did try it once! (And now you'll hide for ever?)
I once had a bad experience! (Yes! You and all of mankind! You may need hand holding but you'll get there.)
Mera kuch nahi ho sakta! (That's just giving up hope and no one should do that to themselves!)

How to be a good judge of character.

2015-10-19T03:47:00.001-07:00

How to be a good judge of character!

I have no idea. In fact, I'm pretty bad at it myself. But one thing I have learnt, and that is, how to ask the right questions.

But let me start at the beginning...

I got a mail from a member who had attended a Footloose No More event. She decided she wanted out because at the one event she attended, she didn't meet a single man who was separated or divorced. This was strange because we do not have married people on the platform. So I decided to check which event she had attended. Turns out, she came for a brunch that was meant for people who have never been married before (we do special events for divorced folk, single parents, out door lovers and what have you!) So when she asked if they were separated or divorced, the men honestly answered, "no!" She judged quickly and decided that this was a gathering of married men out for a sleaze fest!

How quick are we to judge people? How quick to rebuff any attempt at friendship or connecting. I myself have been guilty of this. I met a guy when I was a stupid young, judgmental girl (now I'm just mental but that's a long story). He walked up to me at a friend's party and said, "Hi. I'm Navin." Full of my own sense of importance, I said, "Good for you", and walked off. At that time I thought this was hilarious and that I had warded off (pretty smartly) advances of an older man! Turned out he was just a few years older and a really great guy! Years later we met at another party and he reminded me of the incident. I wanted to die of embarrassment. How could I have been so judgmental? How could I have thought that just because he was "older" (25 to my 20yrs) and because obviously any man walking up to a single girl is a creep, I sealed my fate and lost out on knowing a great guy. (I am friends with him and his wife now, but that's because he had more brains than me).

The point is, why are we so quick to judge? Why do we nor spend 2 minutes asking the right questions before declaring someone "wrong?" Do we prefer the swipe to speaking because there just a swipe on a picture helps us to indulge in some judgement? Why are we so impatient? Relationships are not instant coffee! You've got to grind the beans, enjoy the aroma and then savour the taste. If we looked at the beans and said, "Oh God! Here's another brown bean", how would we know if we like the blend?

So go ahead and ask the questions. But remember, safety first!

Falling In Love Is Easy

2015-10-08T02:46:00.001-07:00

I've recently returned from a trip to Nainital - the paradise of my childhood. It was our 4th wedding anniversary and I thought why not take Prashant to my favourite place in the world. So off we went! It was a nostalgia trip for me and I was on speed. I could have walked anywhere and not been tired. I hogged bal mithai, gorged on bun tikki, went boating like a tourist and jumped on churan (my friends from Nainital would know the one I'm talking about). I went to meet my dad's friends and chatted with anyone who was willing to indulge me and complained constantly about the fact that cars are now allowed in to town!

The day we reached there, I dragged my poor husband up to my school - walking. Then made him walk back, down the hill, across town and made him get in to a cable car to go look at the mountains - all on a day when he wasn't feeling well and had no energy! He indulgently did everything and never complained. It was like I was on a pilgrimage and he was there just to humour me! That is the day I fell a little more in love with him. And that's when it struck me - falling in love is easy, it's staying there that's tough!

It's true! To all those who complain about "love doesn't last", I have this to say - "In a year, if you know enough single people, you will find a few you will connect with, maybe even love a little, but then it fizzles out. This is because relationships, like it or not, are hard work! We have to give a little, and take a lot! Often do things we don't want to do or not do things that we want to.

Prashant gave a lot on this trip. He did a lot of things that went against his grain just because they made me happy (he hated the churan btw), and I accepted it with a smile. He's my husband - he's enjoying doing this for me so I need to be graceful and grateful! He of course, gave whole heartedly. And that has been the story of our 4 years together. The willingness to give and the absolute acceptance! Exactly like when I went kayaking in Halong Bay even though I was scared out of my mind!

Relationships are about shared experiences and effort put in to make them happen! Romance is in little things like having churan because your wife likes it or big things like having kids together. The thing is, to make it work, you have to work. After that, relationships are pretty simple. They are seeing a missed call from the other person and smiling, remembering some silly incident and calling to talk about it, looking at old photos together or even eating a salad because the other person is on a diet!

As for romance, you have to create your own romance! Someone I know told me after hearing my churan story that his girl friend used to buy 2 packets of churan every evening because they both loved it and they would have it together after dinner. That's their romance, their way of showing they care and their way of staying in love.

Forget the big romance, I say, because love is a little thing to be nourished every day!