Varsity Basketweaving

Also, supermodel girlfriend, I'm dumping you

2009-11-07T17:31:00.000-05:00

Where's my personal chef? Nonexistent? He's fired!

Shocking confession

2009-11-01T13:05:00.001-05:00

The fifth dentist doesn't recommend Trident because, quite frankly, he needs the business.

"Yes, And..."? More like "No, But...."

2009-10-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Perhaps my greatest failure as an improv comedian was my inability to make out with other failed improv comedians.

A soft-serve by any other name

2009-10-26T16:07:00.002-04:00

Just call me Mr. Softee. More accurately, call the ice cream truck guy that. Most accurately, don't call anyone that, as it is a fake name.

Putting the LOL in Gillooly

2009-10-24T17:36:00.001-04:00

I just told a dancer to break legs, plural, at her next performance. It's at least twice the luck, maybe more, depending on how much pain she inflicts upon others.

Look out!

2009-10-14T01:48:00.002-04:00

"Don't take this the wrong way" is much easier to accept when it involves traffic patterns, but both versions can crush you.

Staying in is the new going out, says my quiet cell phone

2009-10-10T23:31:00.006-04:00

Even my sink is disappointed that I'm staying home tonight:
The handle is the single, perfect tear.

Hot dogs, cuisine of the world's most eligible bachelors. (Not necessarily by choice.)

Disconnected

2009-10-08T17:49:00.001-04:00

Erasing memories is hard, but erasing phone numbers is a start.

Be still my beating heart (but get the defibrillator ready just in case)

2009-10-02T00:16:00.003-04:00

Everybody's got a hungry heart, but mine's clogged because it wants bacon.

If WPLJ were a person...

2009-09-29T12:06:00.001-04:00

...it'd be Rob Thomas.

I scream

2009-09-25T11:45:00.002-04:00

My birthday's coming up. If there were 31 flavors for each year of my life, my 13th would be Awkward Chip Cookie D'oh, and most of the rest would be some combo of chocolate and shame.

I conned The Journal News into letting me write about 'Mad Men'

2009-09-22T13:55:00.006-04:00

One of my favorite articles I've written for The Journal News and LoHud.com is the following interactive map of "Mad Men" landmarks in Westchester. Serious props go to Chris Brown for his amazing Flash skills.

Click on the picture below to be transported back to a simpler, fictional time:

WHAT is the DEAL with THAT?

2009-08-26T18:04:00.006-04:00

The synth trumpets in Suzanne Vega and DNA's "Tom's Diner" (first heard at the 48-second mark) ...

... are just like those used from the 11-second mark on in the theme to "Seinfeld" ...

... whose characters meet there to eat.

Before I get the snooty/snotty comments, I'm well aware the restaurant is remade into "Monk's" on the show, but the real-life name of the place is Tom's.

The fallout of Archie's marriage proposal to Veronica

2009-08-20T23:58:00.003-04:00

Loser: Betty.
Winner: Jughead.

Does TSA actually stand for Talking Sexily Aloud?

2009-08-20T23:45:00.004-04:00

The Transportation Security Administration posts this advice on making your airport line experience as quick as possible:

"If a security officer needs to inspect a package, they may have to unwrap your gift."

If that's not the TSA's go-to pick-up line, I don't know what is. (RELATED.)

Also, ladies, underwire bras can set off airport metal detectors, according to the same, very lonely TSA peronnel.

As one friend of mine added, "They also have to remove them themselves. (They're) trained professionals."

Because mouth to mouth isn't just for making out

2009-08-20T23:41:00.002-04:00

When I think of some girls, my heart skips a beat. Then I put down the burger and punch my sternum.

We try to say goodbye

2009-08-17T10:19:00.003-04:00

Macy Gray will be on the new season of "Dancing With The Stars." I wonder if she'll dance to all of her hit.

When advertising works too well

2009-08-05T21:55:00.010-04:00

In tonight's Yankee game on YES, the logo for the GEICO Play of the Game wound up obscuring the GEICO Play of the Game:
It's even more amusing/bemusing in video form:

Yearning and burning

2009-07-23T14:02:00.001-04:00

Both Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" and Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" start with a deep breath, but only one ends with chlamydia.

Fun with the Twitter hashtag #failedwesterns

2009-07-22T00:35:00.003-04:00

Here are some of my submissions for the #failedwesterns Twitter meme that trended last week. I noticed some of these were later Tweeted by some of the people I follow and respect on Twitter, so that was a pretty cool coincidence.

Hi, Noon!
3:10 To Yo Mama
Dances With Robert Wuhl
Middle-Aged Guns
Bronzerado
Rio Bravo's Real Housewives of Deadwood
Lonesome Dove, sponsored by Dove Moisturizing Cream
The Assassination of Jessie Spano by the Coward Caffeine Pills
The Assassination of Rick James by the Coward Cocaine
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
Sorry, We Can't Wire Cash To Your Mom*

*Whoops, that was for the hashtag #failedwesternunion

For someone who's never smoked pot (but has nothing against it), I had a lot of fun with this

2009-07-08T20:06:00.002-04:00

Here are my submissions for the #stonerlit Twitter meme launched today by blog god Alex Blagg:

Bong Quixote
The Smugglers Karamazov
For Whom The Joint Rolls
Spliff Family Robinson
The Blunt of Monte Cristo
Doug Benson Crusoe
Indifferent Expectations
Baked Expectations
Crime And Totally Unreasonable Punishment Under The Rockefeller Laws

Kim Ployable?

2009-07-08T11:36:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think Kim Possible grew up, fell on hard times, and settled for a job as Erin Esurance.

Instant first-class upgrade

2009-06-29T15:09:00.003-04:00

How many frequent flier miles did Hillsborough Cty's medical examiner get for saying Billy Mays died of heart disease?

Unnecessary Sequels: "Seacrest/Nixon"

2009-06-29T14:59:00.006-04:00

Other contributions of mine to last week's #unnecessarysequels hashtag phenomenon on Twitter:

"Imagine That First Movie Was Good"
"Borat 2: Everyone He Meets Already Knows Who He Is"
"Purple Wintry Mix With Chance Of Hail"
"12 Men At Peace With Their Verdict"
"Malcolm XI"

One celebrity I hope lives another 150 years

2009-06-29T14:47:00.003-04:00

Enjoy your stay, Bernie!