Vegan Vagina Vortex

The 8th of March, A Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Mar 2022 05:51:00 +0000

My Dearest Athena,

Twenty years ago, today, you were the victim of rape. I know that you still have difficulty in saying the ‘r’ word.

It was unbelievably hard. Trust was out the window. Betrayal was a regular at the table. Self-loathing was a constant companion. No amount of showers ever helped you to feel clean and whole again.

Cocooning was a pretty way of saying ‘withdrawal’ and ‘hermit’. And your sudden outbursts of rage and the adult tantrums that seemingly came out of nowhere…were..dare I say…pretty ugly.

Self-medication became your ‘go-to’ and you essentially became a bitch to be around.

Yet, do you realize now how understandable it all was? The denial and doubt wrapped around you like a blanket of comfort. And it all piled up in there…the adjectives that lived in Shadow: dirty, unlovable, undesirable, not.good.enough, ugly, ALL YOUR FAULT, unworthy, s.h.a.m.e….the dark whispered these things and more.

With shut eyes and falling tears, your ears could not ignore them all.

You chased after numbness. You craved reprieve.

Ultimately, the downside to this was that all you tried to repress would eventually find its way out. You know this to be TRUE…

Squirming with discomfort, you wriggled away and plastered that smile on your face. Ego falsified the documents. Pride signed them off and your Spirit sat in silence, waiting patiently with a sparkle of hope.

Days turned into months which flowed into years.

The Dam finally broke and Pandora’s Box could not stay closed any longer.

Denial and Doubt drifted. Finally, the whispers from the dark changed. The Victim that cocooned emerged from its shell, looking for a different path to take.

The Survivor began to Seek and the way forward was riddled with questions.

Some were answered in silence or in meditation. Dreams and visions found their way through in Ceremony and Ritual. Healing was slow and arduous, but thankfully, it became a companion on this part of the Journey.

Twenty years later, you are a crisis counselor and advocate for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. You are a DrumKeeper. You are the proud owner of your very own business: Mahal Unlimited..and you are Thriving…

Most importantly, you learned to sit with the Dark and sing to the Shadows. You found that the Light within you never left and you needed to find a way to illuminate it.

The Ever After you longed for just needed to be written By You and Only YOU.

You truly have become Mahal…

Glad you found your way back to who you truly are…
Mahal = Love

Yogurt Parfait

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Jul 2020 05:17:00 +0000

Yogurt Parfait
The Anti-KFC

This is Vegan, Soy free, Gluten Free, Non GMO/mostly Organic and Low Glycemic

You will need nine 8 oz jars for this recipe.
Ingredients for base:
GF rolled oats: 1 tbl sp
Ground flax meal: 1 tbl sp
GF Granola (optional: 1 tbl sp)
Hemp seeds: 1 tbl sp, ¼ tsp
Cinnamon: 2-3 dashes

Ingredients for filling:
Unsweetened almond yogurt (I buy the 24 oz): 2-3 tbl sp
Monk fruit sweetener (optional: to taste)
Coconut sugar (optional: to taste)
Strawberries (1 package): chopped in quarters
Blueberries (1 package)
Or any seasonal fruit of your choice

I loved the parfait dessert from KFC as a kid so this is my adult, healthier version. It’s great for breakfast or a snack. With my last doctor‘s visit, I needed to be mindful of a few things: lowering my cholesterol, decreasing my sugar intake, and stabilizing my flora/digestive system.
To begin your base, take one scoop of gf oats and place on the bottom of each jar. Begin to layer with granola, hemp seeds, flax meal and cinnamon. Next is the yogurt, about 2-3 heaping table spoons (tbl sp). Then time for the 2-3 tbl sp of fruit, layered more with 1-2 tbl sp of yogurt. Top it off with more flax, hemp seeds, cinnamon and lastly a few blueberries.
Enjoy and Bon Appetit!

Dearly Beloved

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 01:41:00 +0000

In the dark, all we could hear was the hiss of the stones.

Some around us breathed heavily as the heat slowly covered us.

I lowered my head to the Earth.

My hand reached for the unknown and he caught it,

grasping it as his fingers intertwined with mine.

I sang, low to the ground, projecting my voice.

They listened.

I placed my hand on him as I sang in the dark and his voice joined mine.

The prayers swirled and danced with the Ancestors.

I needed to lean,

I needed to finally let go and feel support.

He was there next to me,

heart bleeding and his soul baring all.

Being held in the Womb of the Great Mother's arms,

the Sacred Ancestors singing at our feet,

I was left as though naked and raw

facing the Black Mirror within.

And he held my hand through it all

and my armor melted.

We leaned into each other,

my lips kissing his open palm

and even now...

these words are not enough.

Soul

and

Heart Calling

with a

Fire

blazing

in the background.

....

The Voices started their whispering after we all crawled out. I didn't know what to say or how to act. Pretend like it didn't happen? Re-remember who we were from the time before? Ceremony has this way of peeling off the layers and removing any defensive armor we've brought with us.

I felt confusion and slight guilt for what occurred. I felt as though I betrayed someone dear to me and I also wondered why I couldn't just receive it as a Gift for that's what it truly was.

In all my years I've been on the Red Road, this was my first time something like this transpired. It never felt wrong at the time it occurred, it was only afterward I allowed the Voices to slither with their whispers.

They began to infiltrate the cracks and seams of whatever defenses were left. Then, my Onto family stepped in with their Love and Wisdom.

'The Past is Complete.'

I closed the Door then. To those Fears and Old Stories. To the times I was hurt by men. To the pain that said I was unlovable. To the wounds that lied and said I was broken. I kissed the door and nodded my Good-Bye.

I am Whole today. I am Grace today. I am Light today.

I embody LOVE always.

I felt you, my Dear Beloved, in those sweet gentle hands that held me with such care.

I felt you in the songs and prayers,

in the fires and the wind...

and in every step I take.

~~~~

PC: unknown

‘A’ word with The Darkness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 16 Jul 2018 01:13:00 +0000

‘A’ word With The Darkness

(From an Addict’s perspective)

By: Athena Arcayan

Photo taken in 2012, from L to R:

Danny, myself and Tony

I spent many hours of the day and night with my friend, Tony, talking about the ‘A’ word. We would refer to it as The Darkness, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the band but in reality, it was too fitting and apropos a description.

Sometimes the Elephant in the room, the bane of so many is: Addiction.

Tony’s drug of choice was Heroin aka Smack. I asked him once if the feeling ever went away.

‘You mean: me wanting it all the time? No. Never. It never goes away.’

I’d have this mental picture of a Dark Cloud always hovering over him or near him. I thought if I ever did a painting of it, this might be an accurate depiction.

I’m an Addict as well. I can easily check off all the boxes of infamous NA* and AA* meetings I’ve attended. AND, I can certainly relate to OA* and SAA*. If my Addiction were to ever be painted, it would be a painting of me with large holes in different spots on my body, especially around my heart. They’re very much like empty spots, unable to be filled by anything but disease and the hunger of addiction.

My journey started years ago with alcohol and then turned to pill popping. I struggled with it for decades until I received a wake up call where I had to choose between living and dying. When I finally decided to remove them from my life, I replaced the alcohol & drugs with food, sex and other distractions. It took many many hours of therapy, friends, spiritual work, ceremonies/rituals to help heal and tend to the ‘holes’ of my heart, mind, body and spirit.

I wanted to share a little bit of my story, with the intention of attempting to share my friend’s pain because I think it might help to bring some semblance of understanding and to also shed some light.

Why? (Some might ask.)

Recently, a friend of a friend lost someone she cared about to his Addiction. He had also OD’d on heroin and I can almost hear her inner dialogue of grief:

- ‘Why didn’t I (insert anything from call or be there more, etc.)?’

- ‘Why didn’t he/she call me?’

- ‘Why do I feel so guilty?’

As my friend stood still, doing her best to not look me in the eye as tears rolled down her face, I grabbed her hand and told her:

‘I’m sorry this happened. It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing more you could have done. You did all you could do.’

And that, unfortunately, is the sad truth for so many, too.

This Darkness is much bigger than ANY of us.

It blocks out Love.

It consumes.

It is never satiated and is ALWAYS hungry.

It never has enough and always wants MORE.

It’s as though it were a Black Hole, sucking the breath and life all around it. It Takes. And what it gives back in return is pain, suffering, longing, and inevitably: death. There is the temporary euphoria and reprieve from pain, but it comes at a very high cost. At times, in the end, your Life is cashed in as payment.

It’s a similar feeling to those seeking solace at the bottom of a glass or bottle (of alcohol). The difference is it comes in liquid form and from a societal standpoint, it’s more socially accepted (less judgement, in my opinion).

The Root Cause? The source of where the suffering stems from varies person to person. Some have suffered from a myriad of abuses throughout their lives. Some of it is hereditary. Some come from good homes and normal/healthy upbringings with no history of Addiction whatsoever. Some had little to no coping skills on how to maneuver and manage their emotions throughout their life.

My friend, the one who walked with his Darkness finally succumbed to it after nearly 4 decades of struggling with it. I, like many others, was a phone call away but instead he fed his unsatiated hunger, which resulted in him dying later of a cardiac arrest.

News of his death spread fairly quickly. Disbelief, shock, anger and tears rippled throughout the community of friends and loved ones. It’s taken me a year to write about it and finally share.

My heart went out to my friend as she struggled to put words to her grief and name the culprit who was responsible for the death of someone she cared for deeply.

When we can name things and share things authentically, it can help those that still live with ‘The Darkness’. It breaks my heart to know that many feel alone and are too steeped in their suffering to see any other way out.

For those of you who live with Addiction and this Darkness, you are NOT alone and there’s always help. I pray that you have the willingness and trust to reach out and ask for it. There are people that care, love you and want to help. Trust and Believe me with All My Heart.

I’ve been to the bottom of the Pit. One thing I know is this: there’s only one way out of that Pit and that’s UP.

For those of you grieving, I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I think one of the most challenging things is not the actual death part but being left behind and not being able to be with the ones we love anymore.

For me, to have gotten to this place I’m at today is due to the willingness of being HONEST with myself. When I got to that point of realization, the next step I took was allowing myself to Feel everything. All. The. Feels. Then, I found people I could trust to share what was going on/what I was feeling, etc. After that, I made healthy choices physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I found a practice (or a series of things) that helped me to work through things in a positive way. I participate in regular Ceremonies/Rituals. I write and create. I decide every day if I want to be Happy (or not) and extend Gratitude to both the good and bad. Others have found that yoga or hiking, etc. help them. Or they go to the gym or find a church because they’re in need of some kind of Community. Some join AA, NA, etc. Find something that resonates with you. It’s out there.

‘The wound is the place where the Light enters you.’ -Rumi

The Darkness can only live within if you continue to feed it. When the Soul Sustenance is Light and you truly welcome Love to nourish you, that’s where you can begin to experience freedom from suffering.

Please know I hold you all in my heart with Gratitude and infinite Love.

Let’s help one another.

(Listed Below are links that may assist with information on addiction, counselling, etc.)

For Addiction:

- Alcoholics Anonymous:

https://www.aa.org

- Narcotics Anonymous:

https://www.nar-anon.org

- SAMHSA:

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

For the Bereaved/Grieving:

- Project Know:

https://www.projectknow.com

- New Beginnings Rehab:

https://www.newbeginningsdrugrehab.org/guide-to-dealing-with-death-of-addict

- GRASP:

http://grasphelp.org/m/

NA=Narcotics Anonymous

AA=Alcoholics Anonymous

OA=Overeaters Anonymous

SAA=Sex Addicts Anonymous

(Background story of the photo above: This was taken in 2012, outside the tattoo shop Danny owned and Tony worked at, just before I left for Europe. Danny died in 2013. Tony followed him 4 years later in 2017. Both struggled with drugs and addiction).

The Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Jun 2018 08:10:00 +0000

The Mirror
Writing piece by: Athena Arcayan Photo Credit: Marc Timmons aka Crazy

There’s a Myth about The Mirror. Not the one that steams up when you take a shower. Not the one you use to put on your make up or shave your face. This one lies within.

It comes in many forms. Sometimes it takes on the face of a lover. Sometimes a story. Sometimes, like Love, it comes when you least expect it.

And when you look whole heartedly, with your Heart wide open and all armor has been cast off… when your Spirit soars in the clouds and stars beyond… when you can surpass the bullshit and ego driven desire…

What Will You See?

When the Flames of a beautiful Fire are burning before you, the stories and laughter its source of fuel… when even the biggest rainstorm pours buckets and that Fire still stays lit… when your prayers are answered in laughter that echoes into the valley… when pure, radiant Love stands before you…
Will you run? Will you stand with open arms to receive? Will it be a burden you carry and then reject or will you see it as a Gift?

When Love comes knocking, will you pretend no one’s home or will you answer the door?

What we say, what we do and what we express is an all encompassing mirror, reflecting to the World and ourselves exactly Who We Are.

Shine Love. Shine Bright. Shine gracefully into the Light.

More to come....

Salad Du Jour

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 21:57:00 +0000

Who says salad can’t be sexy? Serio. Thanks to @marymary573 for the yummylicious cilantro dressing and cashew cheeze. If you’re wondering what else is stacked in that goodness pile: romaine lettuce, spinach, flax meal, hemp seeds, colored cabbage mix, sautéed corn w/ Basil, nooch & h.salt. Bon Appetit!

#messagetomysister

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 13:55:00 +0000

Are you ready? Get ready. Please Open Heartfully and Joyfully. Hear/feel these words from The Hearts and Spirits of Divine Love:

We Adore You. The You that is Powerful, Smart, Courageous, Amazing, Beautiful, Kind, Generous and Graceful.

We Love You. The Hidden bits. The In Your Face bits. The All or Nothing bits.

We Admire You. The Lioness. The Goddess. The Queen. The Warrioress. The Healer.

We Respect You. How You Choose To Walk/Talk with Integrity, Hope and Grace.

We Honor You. From Maiden/Sister/Aunt/Mother/Grandmother/Crone/Elder/WiseWoman.

Let us continue to support one another. To inspire and uplift each other. Let us Forgive ourselves so we can forgive others. Let us speak and act with the mindfulness of creating our worlds and dreaming them into BEing.

From stone, we emerge forth to greet any challenge or obstacle for that is where our strength resides. From air, we rise and soar towards the heavens, carried by the wings of those who came before us. From earth, we cultivate our gardens burying our treasures (of pain and pleasures) so they can sprout like seeds, building a foundation of Who We Are. From fire, we burn bright like the stars of the cosmos, lighting the Way so others can See what lies beyond. From water, we ride each wave with a welcoming giggle, in awe of the depths that we dive into again and again, each time evolving and releasing any karma that no longer serves our highest Self.

May this message shower you with blissful blessings of Love, Gratitude and Inspiration.

Let this BE an Invitation to share the Truth that lives within the depths of your heart and soul.
#messagetomysister #messagetoallmysistars #goddess #circleofsistars #youinspireme #singanddrumyourtruth

Momentary Reprieve

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 09 Dec 2017 20:20:00 +0000

Momentary Reprieve
I finally have a moment to catch my breath. I was watching the shadows and light dance as I set my coffee cup down.
Here at the beach house, the black dress I’m wearing is camouflaging me as I sit typing on my friends’ black couch. In one week, I became unemployed, displaced and had to evacuate. Then, I slept somewhat in my car with the Stars to keep me company. Dear friends offered their homes as I tried to hold it all together with my usual brave front.
This morning, it just hit me. ALL of it. My own emotions and thoughts and questions and doubts. As I scrolled through my news feed, posts from other displaced friends sharing their own stories…it just fuckin’ hit me and the tears I was doing my best to hold back came flooding down my cheeks.
The sky here is a mix of grey with hints of blue. The Sun rose this morning. The Wind carries a song only a rare few can hear. The Sea continues to kiss the shore again and again.
Please do not mistake my tears for weakness. They carry my sadness and frustration, my joy and gratitude, my story of honesty and recovery. They represent all that I cannot say with words and I was finally in a safe enough place to let them flow.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, for You, for our Community. I know that we can choose to Create it. Whatever we envision, we can Dream It Into BEing.
It’s been a tumultuous ride for me…from shock, fear, sadness, reflection. To gratitude.
Now? I’m feeling antsy. I want to go Home. I also want to hide under the covers and not Adult, but that’s the opposite of being productive…and I need to Channel this energy into creating…something!
My heart goes out to the many friends that have lost their homes. I know some are gathering this weekend to be together, play music and to just be there for one another.
I still need some more alone time. I need to write, heal, cry, laugh and create.
I’m with you all in Spirit. Loving you All always.
That’s all for now. Will update more soon.

Reflection

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 07:23:00 +0000

Reflection:

I have mix matched socks on. I had to get dressed in the Dark and in a hurry. The only light I had was from my phone. In the background, sirens were blaring and the wind was blowing debris against the windows and doors. A voice via a megaphone was instructing me to evacuate. Not even 5 min and I had to choose what would go with me. The ‘essentials’. Drum? Check. Laptop? Check. Sleeping Bag? Check. A few clothing items? Check. Socks and shoes? Check.

I rushed out to my car and I stopped in my tracks. The fire from the hillside that was a few hundred feet from the building was engulfed in flames. La Luna was hidden by Darkness and smoke. Someone pulled over and I leaned in to see if they needed help but they had their phone out to take a picture. Cars were lining the streets. People were staring up mesmerized by the scene before us that resembled Hell and The Apocalypse.  I honestly didn’t know where to go. I thought of a place I felt safe so I headed there. I called them, but no answer so I parked in front of their house in Oxnard. I stared down the dark, unlit street. A few stars twinkled at me. I checked social media for updates and news. Fear set in. What will be left standing in the morning? I may have nothing left except for what I took with me, what I had on and whatever was in my storage.

That hit me hard. And I knew I wasn’t the only one.

Calls and texts started to come in. Places were being set up for evacuees to go. I didn’t really want to be around people. I didn’t want to break down in front of anyone and wear my fear on my face. I wanted to hide in the night and seek solace by myself. I wanted to go inward.

I was just laid off on Friday and now this. When I asked The Universe: What’s Next? I had little preparation for...well, THIS.

Fire cleanses. Fire brings renewal. Fire burns what we no longer need or want. Our inner fires can never be put out.

I slept in my car, curled up in my sleeping bag that reminds me of orange sherbet. Regardless of what happens, I’m alive. I’m safe. I have people in my life whom I love and care for. I have their prayers.

The Cross continues to smolder. Homes have been burned to the ground. And yet, Bell Arts Still Stands. Like a Beacon Of Hope through this destruction and devastation. For me, it symbolizes something so profound and meaningful. We will Create. We will continue to Dream. We will Rebuild.

Hopefully, through this tragedy we will rise from the ashes and get through this together and make this city EVEN BETTER. The citizens of this beloved community are some of the best people I know.

I love you All.

The Better Helper

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 04:17:00 +0000

When I was a kid, we didn’t have a whole lot of $. We made do on government food and a military budget shopping excursion at the Commissary. I grew up on junk food (kool-aid, chicken nuggets, Hamburger Helper and PB&J's) and I’m grateful I’m eating a lot healthier as an adult today.
I was craving comfort food on this cold California night and I loved this one particular Hamburger Helper dish that was pasta, cheese, marinara sauce & (gasp!) ground beef (before my non meat eating days). I decided to make a vegan, gluten free version. Here's the recipe:

1-2 tbl spoons of Earth Balance vegan butter (I use the soy free one)
1 Better Than Meat pattie
1 box of Daiya cheddar mac n cheese
1-2 cups of marinara sauce
1/4 cup of nooch = nutritional yeast
Himalayan salt to taste
good music to dance to while cooking!

In medium pot, fill 3/4 with water and heat on high until boiling. Place pasta in water and stir occasionally until al denta (about 5-min). Rinse with cold water and set aside. In medium size sauce pan, saute butter on medium heat. Place BTM pattie in the middle and after a minute or two, separate pattie with fork and spread out. Cook for about 5 min. On low heat, add pasta, cheeze and marinara sauce. Mix well. Don't forget to do some dance moves! Lastly, add nooch and H salt.

Et voila!

Suffice it to say...it was Delish!! Memories of my childhood rushed forth and my heart (and belly) were so warm and fuzzy. Bon Appetit!

Haunted Treasure

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 11 Jan 2017 07:42:00 +0000

It's not that the Loneliness was present,

in full bloom blast like the dying tree in the distance…

It was the Haunting silence after a solitary car

swooshes by and nothing echoes for miles,

just my heart beating rhythmically,

the only familiar sound to keep me company.

I spend all my waking hours day dreaming

and the excitement to be free to Adventure

is almost too much to contain.

Packing, preparing and finally getting behind the wheel,

shuffling through my music selection

for the perfect road trip soundtrack….

Wishing beyond hope this will somehow

take me away from my mortal and impermanent life,

my loneliness and the vast emptiness

I sometimes feel (and never speak of).

And in one quick moment, it's captured right there.

Encapsulated in a single, beautiful image I never knew

I would come face to face with.

A Mirror. And what lay hidden all along.

The Buried Treasure I had forgotten long ago,

waiting to be uncovered, to once more see the Light of Day.

Song Circle

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 04:54:00 +0000

Song Circle, Friday Dec. 30th 7-8pm
Studio 78 @ Bell Arts
432 Ventura Ave, Ventura Ca

Intention:
The Intention of each Song Circle is to create a Sacred Space where it's safe to express one's voice. We utilise Song as a medium to release what no longer serves us and to open channels for healing and creative expression. The indigenous songs themselves (some that are sung in Ceremonies) call on ancestral wisdom and ancient healing. Sitting in Circle and a way of Counsel links us back to a time when tribes would sit around fires and share their stories. There is no hierarchy.
Musical instruments, especially the Drum, represents not only one's heart beat but Mother Earth and the Community. We sit around a drum, unifying with each drum beat as our voices collectively gather in every song.
We gather to Sing, to Share, to Connect and to Heal in a Sacred Ceremonial Space.
All are welcome especially children. Please bring a drum/musical instrument and an open heart. This event is free but donations are welcome to cover Studio costs. Please PM if you have any questions.<3 p="">

Tears In Alchemy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 06:24:00 +0000

I am unraveling. Things that were buried are now being unearthed. The shadows and deep hurts are revealing themselves more & more. Doors left ajar with repeated wounded stories are being closed. Mirrors in the form of old lovers are illuminating parts of me that I can forgive so things can heal and shift. It's not easy. Sometimes I just isolate and sit with it.
I mourn the buried treasure that now needs to be excavated and released.
Now in this very moment I turn towards the Grace and the Stars. Even hidden in the tears are sparkles of Light. Tucked away in the Darkness awaits the birth of a whole new world...

Where Grace Lives

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 06:08:00 +0000

It’s like this calling or longing...a great desire within me to travel the world in search of the missing pieces of myself. A Global Pilgrimage if you will. But, I’m not entirely sure I’m searching for the missing parts or if I’m just hoping to find my ‘Heart Home’ where Grace lives.

Sometimes I feel like many things are happening simultaneously. I feel this restlessness to wander, explore and travel while sitting in stillness enjoying the present moment.

A dichotomy that feels like an internal struggle where there is no victory, only more inquiry.

And sometimes, I feel as though I am a visitor in my own home.

There’s more. It’s like a craving or gnawing hunger that food cannot simply satiate. It is the Unseen thing flickering in your peripheral but gone when you turn to look at it head on.

It is Mystery incarnate. It is beyond words and linear understanding.

It is the ecstatic Love that was once tasted and then suddenly gone with no warning. The unspoken and unanswered question of wondering if it will ever show up again. The wanting of being Loved but holding All at arms length because that’s all you’ve known since and Fear has kept you company.

The unknowing of Who You Are at times and what you were meant to do on this Earthly plane of existence.

I know what I must do. I need to Integrate. Weave all my experiences, lessons, loss, love, tears, giggles...ALL of it into a Cosmic Blanket of Stars that turn into Wings when I need them so I can Soar and Flyyyyyyyyyy.... and when it has run its course, they turn into dirt and dust allowing me to feel the First Connection: Mother Earth. Where we ALL belong and come from.

Full Moon Reflection

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 07:48:00 +0000

As I stared into the glow of La Luna, I envisioned her bathing my entire body with Her moonlight.
I'm sure it may have seem odd to some. A lone woman, standing in the middle of the street and gazing up into the night sky. Her eyes and face mirroring love and awe.
In many myths, the Moon is female and the Sun is male. In one of my stories, it is the reverse. A Love Story for another time.

My thoughts stray to my Family. Not the one I was born into but the one I chose. My True Kapwa.
I reflected on our Ceremonies, how much I love it and how much the Community means to me. In words I simply cannot convey. It is the most precious time where we collectively gather and open our hearts to the mysteries of this Earth, and where our Spirits dance in and out of our dreams. It is a time where our hearts beat as one and our voices carry each other right alongside the Wind. It's where we share our secrets and stories by the fire. It is in this Sacred Safe Space where Love does not need a Voice, it is felt instantaneously like how one draws in breath or how a Mother wraps her arms around her children in comfort.

It is when we step out of Ceremony and rejoin the 'outside' world, where I try to reach with invisible hands ways to remind me of this 'ceremonious connection'. I dial numbers, I use my fingertips to spell out words... I reach out to those that were there so I can re-remember that it was real and that it DID happen... And how can I feebly attempt to feel that way again?
Connected. Loved. Seen. Heard. Validated. Embraced. Acknowledged.

Wholeheartedly.

That's my process of how I try to integrate the experience while still feeling Connected. The challenging dance of needing solitude for decompression and still feeling a part of the Circle created by the Ceremony.

I've also come to realize the magic of my Ancestors. Understanding how, who and what WE are. Connecting, networking, revealers of Love and Grace.
This magic runs in our blood. It is seen in tiny glimpses when our eyes twinkle.
And when I close my eyes tonight, it is always my wish to dream and adventure within all the realms hoping to meet some familiar Spirits along the Way.

Mirror Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Apr 2016 17:48:00 +0000

I see and feel YOU.

The You that swims in the depths of these knowing waters.

Unreachable. Unfathomable.

I try to speak but words are convenient and not apropos for this....one fleeting moment...

From Sky to Sea, there is nothing but our Reflections and our Story.

Jump! Dive even in uncertainty.

Trust. Have faith.

Let Love be your guide.

The Women of Hummingbird Circle with The Drum

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 21:36:00 +0000

On Saturday the Community of the Hummingbird Circle hosted a fundraiser for Muhutasen at the Bell Arts Factory in Ventura, Ca.

We opened for some really talented artists (chronological order of performances): Goodshield Aguilar and 7th Generation Rise, Bad Dog (Mark Shark, JT, Rick Eckstein & Quiltman), Street Poets, and Richard Cabral. My palms are up. Mass respect.

And...For the very first time, some of the Women from the Hummingbird Circle came together around a beautiful Drum. We sang. We drummed. We laughed. We cried. Our voices intertwined with one another creating a joyous sound as we honored so many women who came before us, who were warriors that died in battle and whom we will never forget.

Our set consisted of five songs:

The Chumash Welcome Song introduced by our Women's Sweatlodge Leader, Ana

The Women of the 507 introduced by our Drum Leader, Lola

The Willow Song introduced by our Chumash Sister, Judi

The Women Warrior Song introduced by our Drum Leader, Lola

The Grandmothers Song introduced by our Drum Elder, Uncle Debbie

There are no words that can truly describe the feelings I have when I sit with that drum amongst all my amazing sisters. An overwhelming sense of pride mixed with sadness for those that have passed on and we remember through our songs. A deep ocean of gratitude and joy for the honor of being a part of Hummingbird Circle. And Love so infinite that it is my desire that each song we sing reaches all those around the world so they too know love, community and healing.

We are Women. We are Warriors. We are Teachers. We are Dreamers. We are Sisters. We are Singers. We are Wisdomkeepers. We are Healers. We are Grandmothers. We are Drummers.

We are The Women of Hummingbird Circle.

We are Honored and Blessed.

Front row (from L to R): Bella, Sara, Ines and Elena

Back row (from L to R): Lola, Jeanette, Uncle Debbie, Joy, Ana, Me, Andi and Judi

The Compass

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 07:39:00 +0000

Now, look to your Right

You and I will take different paths.

Sometimes we'll meet up.

Sometimes we'll walk the path alone.

It's the same destination.

And our paths will cross and intersect with one another.

Walk with me awhile.

Laugh with me awhile.

Sing and hop and dance with me awhile.

Don't worry.

There's a place inside my heart where you'll always stay.

He Rides The Wind

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 04:11:00 +0000

He stands there, hands stuffed deep into his pockets with the dark of Night attempting to engulf him. The earth tones of green and beige cloth only seem to magnify his Presence. His smile and Leo Heart outshines it All.

I look away for a moment and turn towards him again, but he is gone. I realize now I was staring

at nothing but a Shadow… a memory of him.

As I stand in the middle of the street, staring into the Void, I cling to the hope of finding a Channel to see him, hear him, sense him.

It doesn’t take long for him to ‘hear’ my Call.

A second later, he is standing before me. This time, it is no memory.

I resist the urge to reach out so I continue my stance, smiling with my lips and heart, knowing full

well that this moment could not stay. I knew the inevitable would happen and the Wind would

come calling…but for now….

We do not know the reasons why we Come Together. Perhaps, we know that we just do.

Yet, we talk but never about how we feel. We share, but we do more. In gestures, in jokes, in smiles, in whispered and hushed tones, in dreams, in tee pees and rain, in blankets with the night sky above.

We are allotted a few hours and if we’re lucky, those hours turn to days. Then, the Wind tells

him it’s Time and the joy I once felt becomes sadness. Luckily, it is only temporary. Sometimes,

I wish it were not so.

He chooses to ride the Wind. I have chosen Earth and Ocean. The Ether and Fire we share with

our Hearts and Spirit. Our Love travels beyond the Cosmos, between Lifetimes. In this Life, we

are friends and Spirits of The Path. To be anything more, brings the barrenness of the Unknown.

And the Unresolved. Are we prepared for that? I know not. Is it what we Desire? The Answer is

in our Dreams.

And so I sit here, thinking of when we come together. My hands are open and free. One cradles

a pen, the other a blank page. Our wishes and adventures await their time to be released into the

world. To have their place like the stars shining above.

It’s at these very moments, the Dreams come…

One side of the bed is empty and I stretch out my arm to touch the Wind. As my eyes close, I begin

to drift off to sleep and find myself in a dream within a Dream. He is there, laying next to me with that smile. We are laughing as we often do and I lean in closer, closer, closer still.….

‘How does a Lion ride the Wind?’ I whisper softly in his ear.

I turn to see the expression on his face. He looks into my eyes and all I see are his vibrant blues

slowly turning black. I stifle a giggle and certainly don’t wait for his reply…

‘I don’t know. You tell me.’

Then, there is Darkness.

The laughter is what I hear when I wake up. After some time passes, a voice from the Ether says softly,

“Until next time.”

The room comes into view and I see my arm is still outstretched on the other side of the bed.

The sheet is still warm from the dream and all I can do is laugh as the tears fall silently down my face.

I get out of bed and move slowly towards the closed curtains. Looking out from the veil of the window, the streets are empty and the pelting of raindrops fills the night. I see a shadow out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn there is nothing but the night breeze and a silent wish.

To Wake Up and Smile. And Dream again…

Mahal Du jour

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Dec 2015 03:54:00 +0000

Mahal Du jour
Yesterday morning we stood in a Circle and shared our Intentions before entering the Lodge. We took the time to acknowledge our Ancestors and noted the Auspiciousness of the day. A time where the veils between the worlds were the thinnest. A chance to honor those that have passed on, where legend says the dearly departed have this one window in to visit with the living.
I talked of how I defined Family. The Blood ties of our Ancestors and the family we are born into but also the bonds created from Spirit and Ceremony, forever linking us throughout the different dimensions. And, the ring extends out even further for me...the wonderful threads created at work and throughout my travels...

A beautiful blanket that weaves all of our stories, silence, tears, laughter, mistakes, lessons, sorrows, joys, wishes, prayers, dreams, fears Together... where the memories help to keep our hearts and souls warm on nights when it's cold and daunting.

Truly, A United Nations Kapwa where we are linked to one another across the various worlds.

My Gratitude knows no bounds.

Your Stories,
Your Voices,
Your Spirit,
Your Gifted Presence
inspires me each and every day.
(And sometimes, it's what gets me through the challenging times)

I love you...
Thank You

Like Liquid

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Dec 2015 03:51:00 +0000

Like Liquid Fire...

We are not the dying embers of hate and fear but

a Collective of great bonfires fueled by our ecstatic desire-filled fierce FIRE.

Have some of us forgotten Who We Are?

We are reminded every day of our mortality and

how our one lifetime is but a ripple in a vast lake of Eternities.

We Create and Destroy, Weep and Smile,

Open and Close the invisible bars around our hearts...

And Yet We Fall, then,

We RISE and

We somehow Persevere...

This Knowing is immeasurable and insatiable...

This surge of Spirit pulsing through me...these words like liquid

pouring out of me...

Freedom is not just Imagining but Dreaming our Worlds INTO BEing...

Where our choices are birthed from our hearts and the deep bellies of

OUR TRUTH.

Fear not, Dear Ones, Beautiful Shiny Sparkly Stars that you ARE...

The Invitation has always been there to...

Dance Pray Sing Laugh Release Create

C.E.L.E.B.R.A.T.E.

Come PLAY...Burn Bright!

heart emotico

The Silence in Fall

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 30 Nov 2015 06:27:00 +0000

We followed the path as it twisted and turned, occasionally looking up to the sky...smiling in between each step. We found this particular spot by listening to the Canyon's synchronistic silence. As the wind blew, softly caressing our cheeks, the leaves fell like twisting colorful ribbons...reminding us of the Season as we transition and reflect, preparing our minds, hearts and spirits for the shadow of Winter. We stood there entranced with this impromptu dance,

watching with gratitude and admiration.

Our bench awaited us, a wise old grey tree with wrinkled bark and thorns. The leaves crunched underneath our feet as we continued to watch the Great Mother unfold the scene before us.

Earth and air, stone and stream. The surface deceptive as hundreds of leaves floated on top, giving the illusion it is a solid path for your next steps.

We sat in silence some more, lips slightly open with awe and we dreaded the moment when it was time to leave. The longing began to rise within me so we made a pact to return. Returning Home is bittersweet for the time away seems like an eternity.

It is here in Nature where I can release what lays heavy on my heart. Where each beginning has no end and illusions reveal themselves to be what they truly are...

It's where Home is unbelievably close and nothing else exists. Where the wind whispers, reminding you of the Silence in Fall and how beautiful the leaves dance....

Fuel for My Fire...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 00:59:00 +0000

I have realized that the fuel of my inner fire is partially fed by the amazing people in my life. This segment I'm sharing with you is part of a letter I wrote to a dear friend and fellow Dreamer...

'So much of my Path for the past 6 years has been this Journey through so many different Windows...the Guides have shown up in the most magical ways...some through Ceremony and some whilst I was traipsing through Europe when our paths crossed.  

And Here We Are. The same but different.  Our faces no longer innocent but with hints of heartache.... No Regrets, right?  For what we have experienced always is intended to peel the layers of our armor....exposing our most wonderful treasures, the hidden parts we no longer can hide.....the Soul and Essence of our BEing and the HEARTh of our inner fires that fuel our creativity and nourish us so we can continue moving forward...because there are times when I ask... Why? Why keep going? 

Because even in this vast existence where we are but grains of sand and there's an Entire Ocean of Mystery out there, we were put Here to bring Love, Beauty, Grace and Compassion into this World.  

We are the Warriors of the Spirit and Heart.  The Swords we carry are not the conventional weapons of past times but consist of Steel that stems from our Inner Most Truth and a hilt containing the Deepest Love this Earth has ever known. 

We fight not for war but for Love and Peace.  

We dance and sing to Celebrate Who We Are.  

We Create to Nourish What We Hold Dear.  

We love for neither gain or notoriety but because it is the very essence of Who We Truly Are, the ones that Dream True.  

We, the Dreamers and Dancers, are the Magical Manifestors that roam this reality...in the hopes of meeting one another along The Way..

We Live Within the Mystery and bathe in Shadow and Light from the Heavenly Skies.. 

You Are Seen.  You Are Loved.  You Are Celebrated. 

Now it's your turn.  Update me. :0)'

sleep tonight

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 11 Apr 2015 23:43:00 +0000

I find myself unable to sleep tonight. The chatter within is especially incessant. As I close my eyes, I am taken back to Saturday. That morning, our women's Lodge took place where nearly 40 sisters gathered. The different generations were represented as were the many nations. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we drummed. And through our Blood, Sweat, Tears and Spirits...this sacred ceremony deepened our connection to each other and ourselves...the stone people whispered to us, carrying the messages of our ancestors...reminding us again and again of Who We Are. Children of the Earth. Shining Stars of the Cosmos.
Tonight, in the silence of this hour, whilst I battle this insomnia I begin to question Everything. Doubt seeps in, crawling close as it often does. It is in moments like these, I think of our last Lodge...
As I lay there in the dirt, the heat covering me like a blanket, I wrestle with what brought me there. The struggles, the hurts, the patterns I'd like to break free from.
The Blackness Within merges with the darkness inside the Lodge and I find it challenging to breathe. My chest is heavy and I think, "Am I going to make it through this?" A question often asked inside and outside the Lodge.
Then, a Sister begins her song and everything is different. Our voices reach out and connect together like the branches of our Lodge. We sit together in this Circle, sharing from the Heart and become the Voice of many.
Even now, I can still hear the songs we sang that day. Sleep may not come but my Sisters are always with me and for that, I am forever grateful.

Only Love

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 May 2014 06:36:00 +0000

Msg Begins Here:

I know you are Sad right now and think you need to have it All figured out. Sometimes we are so much in our Head that we forget where we really need to be. Sorrow much like joy can be a platform for inspiration. Create with it. Create FROM it but do not dwell on it nor allow it to stay too long inside. Sadness like fear and anger Consumes. Only Love relinquishes you and sets you truly Free. Only Love not only guides but supports and nourishes You in ways nothing else can. It is from a place of Love, not Sorrow, where we can know Our Grace. Our True Self. Our Heart Home.
Remember...