Velvet Lava

Happy Birthday To Thee

2009-04-02T15:31:00.005-07:00

Today is my beloved's day of being birthed into the world. Now, this is not just any ordinary birthday. Oh nay. Tony requires an entire birthday month. Yeah, and I'M the high maintenance one in the relationship. Uh huh. The build-up starts usually around mid-March - I'm reminded, in no uncertain terms, that his birthday month is coming up. Ohmagod, really? I would have otherwise forgotten! What would a girl do without those reminders? I mean, you know how us girls are so forgetful of taking care of business. Umm hmm.

To My Dear and Loving Husband (riffing on Anne Bradstreet here) - Happy Birthmonth To You, darling.

For this momentous occasion, I thought I'd just toss out a few Reasons I Love Thee:

*You never get bent out shape about anything - you fully realize that is my job and appreciate how good I am at it

*You call mascara "eyeshadow" - I dunno, there is just something rather adorable about this

*You're willing to answer the same question over and over and over: do you like this piece of string? You do? Are you sure? What do you like about it? And you're totally sure you like it? You wouldn't just say you like it? So you really like it? Okay. Eight hours later: you really did like it?

*You accept all my neuroses, pffffft, not that I have any though

*You love that frickin' Chipotle as much as I do

*You understand my almost freakish love of animals and love that about me

*You set bugs free from our house, if I ask you to

*You stay clear of my obsession with white dishes and little, useless trays

*You tolerate my ridiculous obsession with our dogs' health and nutrition

*You don't judge if I stay in my pajama pants all weekend

*You believe me when I say my wingspan is 7 feet

Lastly, you are the very kind of person which I wish the rest of the human race would strive to be.

What's for dinner? Well, of course your favorite - Red Velvet Cake. What else? Let the Birthmonth begin...

Yes, No, Maybe

2009-03-07T14:13:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am alive.
No, I wasn't abducted by aliens yet again.
Maybe I should explore blogging from space...but then I'd have to figure out how to get there, plus I think my hair would suck in space.

Yes, I am still baking.
No, I haven't made anything new in the last 3 weeks - I'm stuck on repeat.
Maybe I should ban myself for 6 months from all old recipes and ban myself from procrastination; though I think I'll wait on that last part.

Yes, I still think of my blog every single, solitary day.
No, I do not think this wretched lack of inspiration is permanent
Maybe I shoudn't use single and solitary together - isn't that redundant and unnecessary? Isn't using both redundant and unnecessary also redundant and unnecessary?

Yes, I can't stop thinking of those muffins.
No, I don't regret introducing them to you - despite the several "I'm now in rehab, bitch!" emails.
Maybe I should start baking with iceberg lettuce as the base of all dishes. Or, anchovies.

Yes, at least I'm still twittering.
No, that is not something I do by myself, alone, in the closet, while wearing a blue wig.
Maybe I should wear a blue wig and live in a closet, but how would my natural hair breathe?

Yes, I have a most severe case of blogstipation.
No, I'm not aware of any medication for it, including Senna Tea.
Maybe I should make Grandma Iny's Prune Cake, hoping that maybe it will give me blogarrhea.

Yes, I really will try to post more often.
No, I do NOT like the bottom of my feet touched, EVER; although I do like the smell of feta and don't feel I'm eating cheese made of feet.
Maybe I shouldn't write everything that just pops into my head...

_________________________

Missing you all! And yes, I do promise that NO, I will never write a yes, no, maybe post again, unless...well...maybe I shouldn't promise anything except -- I promise to never go exactly the speed limit and I will probably never use margarine to shave my legs. There, I commit.

I Am Now In The Muffin Loop

2009-02-10T17:53:00.007-07:00

I am so sick.

Of myself.

Do you know what I mean? I'm just fed up TO HERE with me. I feel boring, uninspired, whiny, ridiculous, apathetic, and just TOTALLY BLEH. I feel like white bread looks. Just meh. Seriously, I wish someone could just reach through this screen right now and slap me, wake me up. Or, bring me pills.

Is it a stage or something? Or am I seriously just this meh bleh eh meh? I look at my camera and shrug and go meh. I look at my stacks of cookbooks and think about what I could whip up with those babies and I go meh. I look at my dogs who want to go for a walk and I go meh bark bark meh. I look at my phone and think about all the peeps I could call for a chat and I go meh. It's just meh meh meh meh meh. Oh my god, someone pull my head out of my ass before I whine us all to death. What a snore I am!

I was just going to write "I can't seem to get hooked into anything lately!" - and I realized it wasn't quite true because you know what I thought of? Yep. Food. I don't feel meh when I think about sushi or good food or a blow-my-lid-off dessert. I get all squirrely and excited. So there you go - I thought of a non-meh thing. Gawd, let's throw a party. Throw back a shot of whisky. Run around the block naked, screaming "I LOVE SOUP" - just for the hell of it. See, now that would be exciting, wouldn't it? Or at least arresting, literally.

You know, I didn't have any real idea of what this ramble was going to be about but it actually came full circle for me, considering the recipe I'm going to toss out here. I was feeling meh and bleh a few weeks back - it was a Sunday morning and I decided to dig through my recipes to see what My Royal Boringness might throw together. Well, I came across a recipe I'd been meaning to make for MONTHS - it was from my dear friend, Joan, who comments here and she sent it to me ages ago. Why I waited so long, I cannot tell you. Just sheer idiocy.

Let me just ask you this: have you ever had a muffin melt in your mouth? No? WELL IT IS SO NOT MEH OR BLEH. So, if you've been feeling meh or bleh - I swear on my future grave you MUST make these muffins. MUST. Do it this weekend and don't look back. Swear to me now, NOW!

French Breakfast Muffins

I never knew a muffin could be so exciting. So simple, yet so exciting. Am I alone in this lack of knowledge? Does everyone else on the planet know the awesomeness of a dang muffin, but forgot to fully inform me? Whatever the case, these are incredible and I really mean it. I don't know why they're "French" and I don't care; I don't why they're called "Breakfast" because a person really should eat them all day long, as far as I can tell. I just tilted my head back in ecstasy because I just had a little muffin flashback. Well, better than an acid flashback, I suppose. Anyway, eat these warm - when warm, they pretty much just melt in your mouth and it's heavenly. You will have leftover melted butter and cinnamon sugar but FEAR NOT! Just tear off little pieces of muffin, dip in butter, then in cinnamon sugar, place in mouth and then think "Thank you, Ann's friend Joan, thank you". That's all.

1/3 c. butter, melted
1/2 c. sugar
1 egg (preferably room temperature)
1 1/2 c. all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 c. milk

Topping (option: cut topping in half*)
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. butter, melted
1 tsp. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350F.

In a medium-large bowl, sift together all dry ingredients. Add wet ingredients and stir just until combined, but still a bit lumpy. Do NOT overmix; overmixing will ruin the texture of the finished muffins. Also? Don't overmix the batter. Finally, don't overmix. Scoop batter into muffin tins that have sprayed with cooking spray. Using a large ice cream scoop, I got 8 medium-large muffins out of this batter; I think you could get 10-12 muffins by distributing the batter a little less generously. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until they just start to turn a bit golden at the edges.

For the topping, mix sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl. Place melted butter in another small bowl. Dip the warm muffins in melted butter (you can dip just the top, but it's even tastier to dip the whole muffin!), then dip/roll the muffin in cinnamon sugar. *May have left-over topping; the extra topping can be used for dipping, while eating the muffins (oh my). Another option is to cut the topping ingredients in half. CONSUME, ENJOY, GO CRAZY!

That Football Thingy

2009-01-24T20:03:00.002-07:00

Ya know that upcoming Football Thingy? What is it? The Uber Bowl? The Pooper Bowl? AH! THE SUPER BOWL! That's it. Just super.

Well the thing is, the REAL thing of it - is that the Super Bowl always falls on my birthday weekend! How rude is that? Does the NFL just not care about the day I was born? I feel so insignificant - like a pea without a pod, a grain of sand without an hourglass, a pickle without a pregnancy, a Viagra email without a spam destination, a fax minus its cover sheet, a bank with no bailout money, a Cheney with no one to shoot at. STOP ME. Shut up self. Wow that was fun.

Anyway, LAST YEAR for my birthday we were thinking where-oh-where shall we go for this VERY significant day of my birth? Well, nowhere, Miss Coversheetless Fax, because the Super Bowl was right here in Phoenix. That's right! You want a flight in or out of Phoenix? Well good luck with your inner-private-jet because that's as close to the jet stream you're going to get! Uh huh. And noooo you can't go to Vegas because everyone there is there for the Superbowl too - so just forget it!

So THIS YEAR, we were again talking about where to go, what to do, and again, Vegas comes up because it's so very close - an hour's flight away. But alas, it seems there are no deals in Sin City over the BIG weekend. Do you now see my suffering? It's a first-world problem, I know, but still.

All I have to say is, it's a good thing I'm not big on celebrations - that I'm actually really low key about my birthday. You didn't pick up on that? Oh yeah. In reality, I'm just ho-hum about almost all traditional celebrations, but especially ones that are focused on me. I think it's others who feel like they have to make the day special. But really, a simple card will do. I'm easy that way.

This year, however, there will be a little twist to the weekend - Arizona is IN the Super Bowl! For the first time in, like, a thousand years! I think the last time they went, pterodactyls were still roaming the Mother Ship. This is what I hear. I'm not a big sportician, but I actually saw the playoff game and enjoyed it! What le heck? Who am I? It was a roller coaster though - a few times I thought I was going to blow a capillary and it was touch and go.

So I don't know...I'm kind of looking forward to the game next weekend. Who said that? I said that. If I was already in a grave - I'd be rolling over in it right now. But I'm not, so I can't. And that's a good thing actually because I don't like eating dirt. Instead, I'd rather eat this dip....

It is a real departure for this blog, but I'm going to post a NON-DESSERT recipe. I know, right! My grains of sugar are organizing a mutiny as we speak - the flour is going to throw itself at my faux-fur. It's a shocker. But for this upcoming chip-and-dip weekend...I give you this anomaly....

Mexican Artichoke Dip

I used to make this dip about 10 years ago, but had forgotten all about it until my sister recently asked me for the recipe. Since December, I've been making it again and - WOW - why did I ever stop making it? We like it with tortilla chips; and honestly, we've been "liking it" about every single weekend since I rediscovered it. So, I should actually say we love it. We can't get enough of it right now. It's a rather healthy little dip, and it's low fat and all - but with the quantities we're consuming, I'm just not sure it's healthy at all, but there you have it. Even better? It could not be easier to throw together.

1 c. light mayo (or, fat free)
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
1 c. soft breadcrumbs
1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp. hot pepper sauce
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
2 cans (14 oz. each) artichoke hearts, drained and roughly chopped
1 can (4 oz.) chopped green chilies
Cooking spray

Preheat oven to 350F. In a large bowl, combine mayo, Parmesan, breadcrumbs, Worcestershire, hot pepper sauce and garlic powder. Gently fold in artichokes and green chilies. Spoon mixture into a casserole dish (or any oven-proof dish) coated with cooking spray. Cover and bake for 20 minutes. Serve with tortilla chips, pita wedges, melba rounds, or veggies. Makes about 4 cups. ENJOY!

I Thought I Was French

2009-01-12T17:23:00.005-07:00

My ancestry is chock full of French-ness. And, I admit to being a bit of a francophile. There are no medications for it, so please don't slay me over it. Even worse, right now I'm reading "Marie Antoinette: The Journey" and cannot get enough of it. It's really an illness. I've been cussing in French for weeks now - and all of it sounds so much more delicious in French, really! I feel so delicate tossing out f-bombs in francaise. Mais bien sur!

With this book I'm reading, I find myself fantasizing about wearing all those poufy dresses and wigs and hats. And then I realize I'm wearing flannel pajama pants. I wonder if I'd have been a good duchess or countess. And then I remember that I cringe when someone says "Miss" or "Ma'am" to me. I dream of all those balls and social extravaganzas. And then I recall that I'm a total homebody; I practically need rocket fuel to propel my butt out of the house.

So, maybe it's not my era. But if I could choose a super-power? Puh-lease, hands down - time travel. Can you imagine? Oh swoon.

Well, with all this Frenchification and armchair time-traveling lately, I thought I might make something, well, French and, well, from another era. Duh. So hard to follow, no? Um, no.

What I decided upon, mon amies, was Calissons. What le heck are they, you ask? There are a few historical versions of their origin, but apparently this confectionery was introduced in 1473 for the wedding dinner of King Rene's second marriage. Later, during the 19th century, Calisson factories sprouted up and today, the capital of Calisson production is found in the Provence region.

Now, since I'm French and all - I thought mine would turn out just perfectly. You know, my French blood and everything. Makes sense to moi. Well, I don't think mine turned out quite right, despite all those French cells screaming through my bone marrow. I just don't get it.

But anyway, on the subject of time travel, what era would you blast yourself into, if you could?

Calissons

I honestly can't recall from where I obtained this recipe - somewhere on the intertwined interwebs; usually, I print out a recipe and include the name of the creator. In this case, clearly my French blood interfered. Anyway, these taste a bit like Marzipan but with a nice hint of fruity flavor and, to me, a yummier slant of sweetness than Marzipan. The color of the nougat should actually be more homogeneous and smoother - mine appear a bit funky because there was still some skin on my sliced almonds and I'm not sure I ground them fine enough. Dang me. They are extremely easy to make and a nice little treat if you like almondy flavors with a hint of fruit. This is a translated recipe, so forgive the annoying measurements. It's not you, it's me.

6.3 oz. ground almonds
3 oz. powdered sugar
1.75 oz. apricot jam
1/4 tsp. almond extract
2 tsp. orange blossom flower water

For the icing: 1 egg white & 3/4 c. powdered sugar (and milk, if needed, to thin icing)

In a food processor, grind almonds as fine as possible. Add sugar and pulse until combined, just a few seconds. Add jam, extract, orange water and process until it forms a smooth paste - it may ball-up in the processor, indicating it's finished combining. It will be a sticky dough, but form it into a ball and place on a large piece of plastic wrap (the piece should be much bigger than the ball) - place another piece of wrap on top of the ball and then roll the dough out (rolling on top of the 2nd piece of wrap) until about 1/4 inch thick. Uncover and leave at room temperature for 1-2 hours or until the dough is not sticky to the touch.

If you have an almond-shaped cutter, use that as it is the traditional shape. If not, use a small round cutter and then use a knife to cut each circle in half. Alternatively, you could use a knife to hand-cut almond shapes. Place cut-outs on a baking sheet lined with parchment and refrigerate for about an hour or until the candies are firm.

For the icing, mix together the egg white and powdered sugar; if too thick, add a bit of milk. It should have the consistency of a thick syrup. Dip the top of each Calisson into the icing, letting the excess drip off, then place onto the parchment. Repeat with the remaining candies and then let them sit at room temperature overnight. ENJOY!

Yes, My Dogs Speak English

2008-12-31T16:13:00.001-07:00

My dogs were tagged decades ago by YD - decades ago! They took forever with their answers - plus, Wylie wanted a new photo so we had to wait for a good fur day. Quelle the drama! Also, they typed in their answers using their paws; have you ever tried to edit paw-typing? I didn't think so. Well anyway, here are their answers to the meme/tag...

What breed are you?
Wylie: Yorkshire Terrier, obviously.

Marcel: What he said, but without the obviously.

How old are you?
Wylie: I am 4 1/2, but am going on 50. No matter what my parents tell me, I feel the world rests on my shoulders and it clearly ages me. I feel my fur is thinning and I'm wondering about fur plugs.

Marcel: I am 2, but I feel 1 & 3/4 actually.

What is your full name?
Wylie: Wylie "The Floop" Fitzsmudge

Marcel: Marcel Verdel Purcell

Do you have any nicknames?
Wylie: My main nickname is Floop. Others are: The Little, Wi-fi, Floopinator, Floopindigenous.

Marcel: The Triple Little, The Verdel, MVP, Verdellion, Punkin'.

Where do you usually sleep?
Wylie: Under the covers, curled up against my Dad.

Marcel: Under the covers, curled up against my Mom.

What is your favorite thing to do?
Wylie: Fetch, fetch, and fetch. And then also fetch. Although I do like chewing bones. And I like going for walks so I can acquire territory through various bodily functions.

Marcel: Licking nostrils. It's like a drug. Probably better than sex; though I've never had the sex. I do hump a stuffed toy though.

What is something unusual/interesting about you?
Wylie: Excuse me? Um, EVERYTHING about me is unusual and interesting.

Marcel: For only weighing 3 pounds, my manhood is simply ginormous. My Dad, Tony, always says "like father, like son". I don't know what that means.

Who is your best friend?
Wylie: I'm a daddy's boy. But I also love my Mom; I tolerate Marcel. I guess I like him sometimes but not really all that often. I'd rather he didn't know I like him sometimes.

Marcel: My Mom. But I love Dad and Wylie too.

Did you go to obedience school? If yes, were you Top Dog or did you flunk out?
Wylie: I went, I saw, I conquered. I was the smallest dog there, but I rocked the class. My graduation trick was "Touchdown!", which just totally slayed the other mutts. There was a boxer there, a total freak - and he just sat and stared at me the entire time, every class. I don't know if he wanted to kill me or just sniff my butt.

Marcel: Obedience? What is that? Never heard of the thing.

Can you do any tricks?
Wylie: Um, duh. See above answer.

Marcel: Yes! I can pee on carpet just like *that*. Nobody even has to ask me!

Any last comments?
Wylie: Well, even though I was a McCain supporter, I just want to say that I'm excited about a new dog in the big house. I strongly think Obama should consider a yorkie; I mean, we don't have fur, we have hair - therefore, we're clearly the most intelligent choice for a kid with allergies. And for those who always say yorkies are too smart for their own good? I say - jealous much?

Marcel: I don't know what Wylie ever saw in McCain. Paws down, Obama was the clear choice from the get-go. Plus, did you see him on Ellen? That dude can shake what his Mama gave him, a skill every world leader should have. I really do wonder what Presidential-nostril tastes like, sure wish I could get me some.
____________

As usual, I won't tag anyone - but if your pets want to answer a few questions, consider yourself dog-tagged.

Well, what are you up to for New Year's Eve? We are doing shots of Jagermeister until we pass out. That's all. Okay no - we're going out early to a neighborhood joint for sushification. Then, Tony has insisted upon Lava Cakes for dessert later. He is just SO unreasonable and demanding. Guess I'll have to jam a damn Lava Cake into my belly. Sucks being me.

CHEERS TO A JOYOUS AND PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!

What's For Christmas Eve Dinner?

2008-12-24T15:03:00.004-07:00

How about this? Oh yeah, baby. THIS is it.

Seriously, this is all we really want for dinner. This is the Red Velvet Cake that has been in my family for about 50 years. It's the original Red Velvet Cake - none of that cream cheese frosting crap or buttercream nonsense. This is the real thing. The first time I made it for Tony, he pretty much asked me to marry him all over again; it really is that powerful. You could harness the universe with the power of this thing, I venture. Here is my original post about this utterly ridiculous cake. And Abe, if you're reading this? Again, YES, it really IS that good. We aren't pulling your finger on this one.

Okay, so really - what else are we having for tonight's dinner? We are feasting on Lemon Pepper Popovers with a Gruyere bomb in the middle, Smoked Salmon Bisque, and King Crab (yes, again!).

And for dessert? The motherload of all cakes.

Happy Holidays to all! What are you having/did you have for the feast? Do tell!

Go ahead, lick the screen.

Mama Grinch Makes Marzipan

2008-12-15T09:33:00.002-07:00

I'll admit it, I'm not a fan of the holidays. Make that NOT. In caps. In fact, I almost despise the holidays; there, I said it. I almost feel like I just committed a mortal sin, like I should recite 10 Hail Marys to absolve myself for admitting, in public, that I'm related to the Grinch. Sorry kids. I don't know the Hail Mary.

I'm not sure where it comes from, wholly. I suppose a large part of it is that the older I became, it seemed the stress of the holidays increased proportionately, until it no longer felt worthy of the price attached. More than that though, every year I cannot help but think of the last Christmas we spent with my Mom, when I was 20; we all fully knew it would be her last holiday with us - and Christmas was HER holiday. It was painful and poignant and heavy and sweet and horrid; she died four months later. I didn't want any more Christmases after that; I was done.

Still, the rest of the world just will NOT bend to my will - darn miscreants. So, I try to perform little bursts of holiday spirit here and there. For example, I like to sprinkle co-workers' officechair-seats with powdered sugar, to resemble snow. I like giving giftcards that have no monetary value. I like covering all of my Christmas cookies in black frosting. Okay no! I'm just fantasizing. Throwing myself a bone.

Now really, I do participate as best I can. Because we have the office holiday-party at our house, it motivates me to decorate a bit - mostly just a bunch of white string-lights and a teensy tree. And I buy gifts for my nieces and nephew (I love you Ellery and Ari, Grace and Emma, Peyton and Alex!!!); I mean, I'm not heartless (yet). And, Tony and me usually cook a really great meal together over the holiday, which we rarely have time for because he has such a real job. So see? A smattering of holidayness, a smidge. A dusting.

This past weekend, I got it into my head that I ought to try my hand at Marzipan Candy - something you often see more of around the holidays. Why not, thought I? Look at me all embracing the season, pondered Moi. SO impressed by my bad holiday self, exclaimed Thyself.

Oh enough of the internal dialogue...just read on for the Marzipan, if you so desire. Am I the only Grinch here? Do you love the holidays? Tolerate them? Wish you could time-warp past them? What say THEE?

Marzipan Candy

Okay, this recipe looked SO easy, SUCH a breeze! Well, let me warn you - there may be a few times during this recipe where you may think to yourself "Self, this effing sucks it all" - and wonder if you should proceed or chuck the mess in with the rubbish. Of course, it could just be my happy-go-lucky seasonal personality there, no? Nah. The deal is - this dough can be very sticky and difficult to work with. Besides that though, it really IS a simple recipe - and the resulting Marzipan Candy is quite delicious, if you like Marzipan. And many don't. And I still like you for it. What does Marzipan taste like, you ask? Well, it has a definite almond flavor, is sweet (but not cloying), and has a kind of grainy texture.

8 oz. almond paste
2 c. powdered sugar (+ more for rolling out)
1/4 c. corn syrup
food coloring (any color)

Over a medium bowl, break almond paste into small pieces. Add 1 c. of the sugar and work it in with your hands until mixture is crumbly. Add another 3/4 c. sugar and work in very well. Add corn syrup and work until completely incorporated (very sticky here; tried pastry cutter, didn't work). Sprinkle remaining sugar on a work surface and knead the dough until uniform, up to 5 minutes. If dough seems overly sticky, knead in more sugar. Form dough into disc, cover in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for an hour.

Sprinkle a work surface with powdered sugar. To color the dough, break off a palm-size piece of dough, add 2-3 drops and knead in the color until consistent; add more color if needed. Then, blend the colored dough into the larger portion you'd like to use for that color and knead until consistent. Continue to add sugar as needed to keep dough from sticking to surface.

Dust surface with sugar and roll out dough to 1/4-inch thick. Cut into desired shapes (free form cutting or using small cookie cutters) and place on wax paper. You can also hand-shape into "Marzipan Fruits" (apples, bananas etc.) or wreaths or candy canes or whatever; cooking stores often sell Marzipan molds as well. Allow to sit out for 24 hours, to dry. If the candies have extra powdered sugar on their surface after working with them, use a scantly moistened paintbrush or tiny cloth to remove sugar. The amount will depend on what shapes/sizes you make; I ended up with about 40 little candies - about 1.5-inch size. ENJOY!

Abducted By Aliens, I Was!

2008-12-02T09:33:00.002-07:00

Oh hi. That's right, I have a blog.

Where le hell have I BEEN, you ask? Or, maybe you're relieved that I've been away. I wanted to say I was abducted by aliens, but upon searching the interwebs - I see this has been done ad nauseam.

To be honest, Thanksgiving unexpectedly blasted upon me - without any warning whatsoever (rude). How did we indulge our gluttonous bellies? Tony made his first turkey, so that was rather fun - we thought it would be difficult, but it was quite easy. I don't eat meat, so I had king crab - it was HEAVEN, it was glorious. For side dishes, we made our insanely delicious garlic mashed potatoes (they have pecorino in them, OH come to MAMA) and stuffed portobello mushrooms. It was the first time we tried the mushroom recipe - and we nearly lost the small amount of sanity we cling to, they were SO FECKIN' GOOD, people! And for dessert later that evening, after we donned our expandable pants: individual molten lava cakes, but of course.

As for the rest of my absentia, I'm hosting our office holiday party at our house this Friday evening - so that has kept me plotting, planning, and stressing abnormally and unneccessarily. We hosted it last year too, so I shouldn't be so nervy about it - but that's my nature. God forbid I should go about this with a relaxed nature. WHO WOULD I BE THEN? WHAT WOULD PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME?

Well, they'd say that I was abducted by aliens, for crap sake. And now I've come full circle.

So, after the craziness passes - I shall be back with desserts and more nonsense with which to bother you. As alluded to in an earlier post, the dogs will be guest blogging as well. The delay in that venture is because Wylie has a new furcut and he is insisting on a photo shoot for his blog photo, so alas - it is yet another thing on my To Do list. At any rate, I hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a merry one, and that all of you are surviving the craziness of the holiday season.

Cookies With The Deities

2008-11-16T17:53:00.003-07:00

Back in the day, when I lived for a while at Machu Picchu and communed nightly with the Incan deities who still haunt the ancient city, I used to keep my blood sugar afloat through mass consumption of...

Oh fine. I never lived there, never even visited - but, oh, how I wish I could write that line above! I've had the WORST travel lust of late. I constantly find myself thinking of trips I'd like to take, re-living trips I've already taken, or pseudo-planning trips I'm about to embark on any second. Lately, the news is so utterly depressing that I think this harsh reality lends itself nicely to fantasizing about travel, no?

I was recently perusing possible European trips again, but the exchange rate can suck it at the moment. I just ADORE Amsterdam and want so badly to take Tony there, since he's never been, but...sigh...I don't think it's in the cards right now. So, I started looking south...

Recently I was researching Machu Picchu once again (as I have a bajillion times), and have been lusting after South America ever since. Since Buenos Aires is known as the "Paris of South America", I'm positively salivating to visit - and really, the exchange rate is quite decent. Even so, after I calculate the price of a trip for 2, I end up slapping myself in the face for my wanderlust. So, I've been armchair-traveling via my laptop to South America - trying to escape the unending horrendous news regarding our economy.

During my pseudo travels, I came across multiple mentions of a South American cookie delight called Alfajores. Apparently, you haven't quite lived until you've had this cookie; apparently, some folks know what they're talking about. The discovery of this little darling of a cookie makes my faux travels totally worthwhile.

So, before I get on with the recipe for these doll-babies, where are some of your favorite places to travel? Where would you like to go someday?

Alfajores

It was the pictures of these that first did me in - are they not adorable? They reminded me a bit of Parisian Macarons, but perhaps easier to actually accomplish than their appearance-cousin. Well, they were. They were a delight to make and delicious to put in my belly. The texture is incredible - I don't even know quite how to describe it; perhaps it's because of the cornstarch, but the cookie is soft and giving - which is perfect when you have a soft filling such as dulce de leche. The taste of the cookie is light, tangy, slightly buttery - like a soft, light shortbread, which again, compliments the filling perfectly. Confession: we liked these so much, that we couldn't bring ourselves to bring them into work for sharing! Selfish creatures indeed. So, they do cause hoarding, apparently.

5.3 oz. unsalted butter, softened
3.5 oz. powdered sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
5.3 oz. cornstarch
5.3 oz. AP flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
4 egg yolks
can of dulce de leche (Int'l section of grocery store) -or-

Dulce de Leche: take 1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk and remove the label. Without opening the can, poke a few holes in top of can using a can opener or a nail and hammer. Place the can in a saucepan and fill with water so that 2/3 of the can is covered. Boil for 3-4 hours, checking OFTEN that water is at an appropriate level. After 3-4 hours, carefully remove lid and pour into a bowl; stir until smooth. Allow to cool; then chill until consistency thickens.

Using an electric mixer, cream butter and powdered sugar in a medium bowl. Add yolks, one at a time, mixing thoroughly after each egg. Add vanilla and combine.

In another bowl, mix cornstarch, flour, baking powder and then add to butter mixture. Process only until dough is formed. Form dough into round disc and wrap with plastic; chill for at least 2 hours.

Preheat oven to 350F. On a floured surface, roll out the dough to just less then 1/4-inch thick. Cut out 1 1/2 inch rounds and place on lined cookie sheet, about 1 inch apart. Bake for about 10 minutes, or just until the cookies begin to change color on their underside. Remove from oven, remove cookies from pan and place on cooling rack.

Pipe or spread about 1 tsp. room-temperature dulce de leche on a cookie, place another cookie on top and press until filling shows at the edges of cookies. Many times, the edges of Alfajores are then rolled in coconut, but because we don't like coconut flakes, I rolled mine in sugar. ENJOY!

7 Random Factoids

2008-11-12T14:33:00.003-07:00

I thought I wasn't a liar. Turns out I lied. I said I wasn't going to do anymore tags, however, I was tagged by the lovely and charming Diva of The Sugar Bar - so how could I resist? Also? Fair warning: my dogs were also recently tagged - and please - as if I'd ever muzzle them. So, they shall be guest blogging in the not too distant future. When they heard about it, they were so excited they peed on the floor; of course, this act is no different than on any other day, I suppose.

But do not fear, dear food pornists! Last weekend I baked a naughty scrumptiousness from South America - and I will try to post about the deliciousness this weekend. It involves dulce de leche. Uh huh. Yeah. I KNOW. Like the centerfold of foods, that stuff.

Anyway, the tag merely requires that I share 7 random facts about myself, so here goes:

1} If I find a bug in my house, I make my husband set it free outside.
2} I have recurring nightmares of falling into water, car crashes, and hanging in high places by my hands.
3} I love the smell of my dogs' ears when they're just a little bit stinky.
4} I feel uncomfortable when people bow to me and say "namaste".
5} When I was little, I would sneak out of Sunday sermon to the church lobby so I could read the Readers Digest instead, which made more sense to me than the sermon.
6} I don't particularly like blue ink.
7} I think my left brain hates my right brain and vice versa. Which sucks for me; obviously, I'm in the middle - a veritable midbrain glob of goo.

So, there you have it; why on earth did I choose those 7 facts? What a pile of bleck. Whatever "bleck" is, that is. Per usual, I won't tag anyone outright - but if you like, consider your very bad self tagged and join the randomness.

And you? What is YOUR random factoid, DARE I ask?

The Man

2008-11-05T09:33:00.003-07:00

Cool. President Elect Barack Obama.

Listen, I have nothing against the white male - I married one, folks - but I don't have words to describe the excitement I feel about having as our future President, finally, someone other than a white male. Though for me this election was in no way about race, I cannot help but feel pride that this qualified leader has also given birth to a poignant, historical moment in our country. No matter where our political beliefs reside, can we not embrace and share the long overdue grace of just that moment?

"I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal." - Abraham Lincoln, 1858

"I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

My 6th Sense & A Herniated Burrito

2008-11-02T16:03:00.004-07:00

I have a 6th sense. They say that kids who suffer trauma cope by developing hyper-awareness to undercurrents, body language, people's energy, mixed signals etcetera -- because being able to read people and predict behavior keeps them safe. For better or worse, I have that thingy - and it can be entertaining, at times.

We were at Chipotle (a burrito place) yesterday and ordering to my right was a guy around our age. Since I was standing about a foot away from him while we were both customizing our forearm-size burritos, his energy hit me full-on. For whatever reason, it felt like a bug splattered on my windshield. He annoyed me - uptight, tense, pretentious, really self-aware, snappish (though he said nothing, this is only what I felt). I know, dumb right? For me to feel that about a stranger? But I'm telling you, my radar blips with that kind of crap.

So, the gal starts rolling up this dude's burrito and at the very end of the carnal act, the bulging, gluttonous burrito splits about a 1/2 inch to relieve itself. The gal looks up at the dude and is all, "is that all-right? or do you want a new one?" -- oh hello, it's ON. At this point, the fellas in my head who run my 6th-sense radar are cracking beers, putting their feet up, and taking bets.

I can literally feel the dude's blood pressure sky rocket to about 200/120, the pulse in his carotid artery nearly punched me in the face, and I swear he almost chewed his own molars if only so he could use his mouth as a weapon of mass destruction toward the gal, his jagged teeth as the bullets (which I'm sure would be bleached and damn free of tartar). After a full 5-second pause - our contained explosion, through his clenched jaw, hissed "no, it's fine" - most likely because there were other customers of his peer group present, and after a quick, careful, internal pro-con pie chart calculation - he figured it would be less painful to accept the imperfect, herniated burrito than to blow his cool (and his teeth) in front of the INCREDIBLY cool and chic people to his left.

In the parking lot, I watched him walk away and I was thinking to myself "I bet he's parked really far away" -- and sure enough, he kept walking and walking and walking. I wanted to ask him if he needed a ride to his ride, for the love of beans. Come ON! As we were pulling away, I finally saw him arrive at his car - parked so completely by itself, so far from potentially interacting with any other entity - that he nearly worked off that burrito's calories just in the to/fro. Yep, he's that guy who parks his car that way.

I turned to Tony and said, "Thanks for not being the kind of guy who has his panties so far up his ass about A CAR that he has to park it in another county. And by the way, thanks for not driving a mid-life crisis car, for not looking like you spend more time on your hair than me, for not having an overly-worked gym body, for not wearing the same jeans you did in high school, and for not being an uptight bug. I think you deserve something REALLY special today."

A suggestive grin spreads across his face.

"I'm going to give you a....

....choice of what I shall bake today."

Suggestive grin fades significantly.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Tartlets

I know! ANOTHER chocolate peanut butter thingy! Well, this is what we all get when I ask Tony what he wants me to bake: it's either chocolate with chocolate or chocolate with peanut butter. Once, he did say cheesecake - and I started backing-up and looking around for an alien pod in which I might find his real body, I was so taken aback by the request. Anyway, these tartlets? If there is a god, then god help us all. These are INSANE. The peanut butter filling is the best I've ever had - it will almost make you tip right over the edge of the cliff; seriously, it's the best peanut butter filling I've made to date - period. If you think you can handle it, make these - otherwise - save yourself, while there's still time.

Crust
1 c. AP flour
1/8 t. salt
1/4 c. sugar
2 T. cocoa powder
1/2 c. unsalted butter, cubed
1 egg yolk
1-2 T. ice cold water

Filling
1/2 c. peanut butter
1/2 c. cream cheese, softened
2 T. unsalted butter, softened
1/4 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla

Ganache
4 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped
1/2 c. whipping cream

In medium bowl, combine flour, salt, sugar, and cocoa. To this mixture, cut in the cubed butter until it resembles a damp sand. Combine the egg with 1 T. of the ice water and pour over the mixture, stirring only until mixture becomes moistened; if mixture is too dry, add up to 1 T. of ice water. The dough should hold the form of a ball. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 425F and place cookie sheet in oven.

Now, here's where you have choices: this recipe can make (8) 4-inch tartlets -or- around 24 mini-tartlets, which is what I made above. If making 4-inch tartlets, roll out the dough and cut out 5-inch rounds; press them into the tartlet pan, with removable bottoms. If making mini-tartlets: depending on the size of your tin, use a tsp. or tbsp. size ball of dough and press it into the tin.

Place tartlet pans on cookie sheet and bake blind (using pie weights or beans) for 5 minutes; take out of oven and remove weights. Lower the temperature to 350F and bake for up to 5 minutes more, until crust has darkened. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

Cream peanut butter, cream cheese, and butter with an electric mixer on high speed. Add sugar and beat until fluffy; add vanilla and combine. Fill tart shells generously and chill for 2 hours. After chilling, heat whipping cream in small saucepan to boiling; pour cream over the chocolate in a heatproof bowl and stir until smooth. Cool slightly (until ganache has cooled, but is still liquid enough for decorating purposes). Drizzle over tartlets and chill for at least 30 minutes. ENJOY!!

Come to Mama, baby. Get thee in my pie-hole.

Overheard In Our Household

2008-10-29T10:33:00.001-07:00

Ann: Just saw a sign for a firearms shop, do you think we should have one?
Tony: Nah! I think I should have a grenade.
Ann: In case of a break-in?
Tony: Yeah, if some sub-Mensa breaks in, I'll hold up a grenade. They mess with me? I pull the pin and throw it at them. That'll show 'em.
Ann: Uh huh. So, how do you suppose our home insurance will feel about the damage?
Tony: Self defense!
Ann: An indoor grenade as self defense? And who is the sub-Mensa here?
__________

Tony: Did you take your medicine today?
Ann: Ooooh, that's a good "Overheard", aren't you clever!
Tony: So, now our conversations are just fodder for Overheards?
Ann: Well, now this one is really an Overheard about an Overheard.
Tony: Like I said, did you take your medicine today?
Ann: I'm not on any medicine.
Tony: Then Voltaire was wrong.
Ann: Oh please.
Tony: All things are NOT as they should be.
__________

[I believe this was his comment during a day when I was in a particular state of bouncing off the walls during Phoenix's 115-degree cabin-fever, perhaps]

Tony: You need to find something else to do with your time. Like a 1-person play for 3 years in another city.

[He's so obviously enamored with me, yes?]

I Think I'm Finally Hydrogenated

2008-10-20T15:23:00.002-07:00

Well, I'm a solid. We've eaten so richly and naughtily over the last week, that surely we must be hydrogenated by now. We feel as if we should store ourselves as drippings under the sink in a used, rusty can - and just toss ourselves away with the rest of the rubbish.

We tried to make up for it by going for a hike/run on Sunday, yet we were sweating vegetable oil and butter and felt as if our legs were filled with Crisco; it was not at ALL joyous like last week's run. We were yelling the f-word for completely different reasons this week. Oh yes.

The cause of our solidification? Well, some bad-ass chocolate peanut butter bars which I'll never forgive myself for discovering - more on that in a bit. The other offender was a fantastic dinner on Saturday night - bread with fresh pesto (I wanted to drink it!), lobster bisque that was so buttery we almost lost our minds right there, 1 lb. of mussels (practically ate the shells), and main courses of fish and lobster. INSANITY. We were so full when we left, but by the time we got home? SOLIDS. Could not move. Miserable.

And of course - this divine, perfect, and miserable meal was hot on the heels of these godforsaken artery-clogging, cardiologist-funding, drool-inducing, loaves of chocolate-sugar-fat...

Chocolate Peanut Butter Bars

I shouldn't even post these. Listen, if you make these naughties, don't make a full batch because they will HAUNT YOU EVERY MOMENT UNTIL GONE! They're worse than The Blair Witch Project, I swear - haunting little shits. I have a love-hate relationship with some desserts, and this one is definitely on that list. Even worse (or better) is that there is NO baking involved - they are the easiest things EVER - how irritating is that? Totally, if you've spent any fair amount of time baking complicated things that turn out so-so. Hello, Me. So anyhow, if you make these - have plans for them immediately unless you are on a weight-gain diet, then go hog wild.

1 c. (2 sticks) butter, softened
1 c. crunchy peanut butter
3 c. powdered sugar, sifter
1 1/2 c. graham cracker crumbs
1 2/3 c. chocolate chips, semi-sweet

Line a 13x9 inch pan with aluminum foil. In a food processor, combine butter, peanut butter, sugar, and crumbs until a ball forms. Press mixture into the pan using a spatula.

Over a double-boiler, melt the chocolate chips. Stir, then spread over peanut butter mixture. Chill in refridgerator for about an hour. Allow to come to room temperature before cutting into squares. Store in refridgerator. Adapted from Paula Deen, who else uses that much butter? ENJOY!

Where I Irritate Everyone Not In The Desert

2008-10-13T08:33:00.002-07:00

I live in the desert. Which means, for the last few months we've pretty much lived with 3-digit temperatures every single day. But it's a dry heat. Screw that dry heat. Listen, I don't care if it's dry, wet, or moist - when it's 115 degrees outside, the dew point can suck it no matter what, as far as I'm concerned.

Well, this weekend, my dears? The high on Saturday was ONLY 74 degrees. WHAT? Yes. We ran around the block twice screaming the f-word because nothing else would suffice to express the level of our elation. After the cops left, we took the dogs for a walk (they even barked the f-word!) - and they had so much territory to re-mark since the Spring, I think they strained a kidney.

The next day, the high was 77 degrees. I KNOW, right!!? So we went for a 2-hour hike/run and felt all superior about ourselves for living where we do with all this GLORIOUS weather. Every time we'd pass someone on the trail, Tony would say to me something like "Can you believe we saw that moose back there?" or "Should we report that tiger to the Park Ranger?" or "I didn't know there were pythons in Arizona!!" - because he is hysterical that way and because the weather, clearly, made us behave as if we were on drugs while convincing us both that we are indeed funny to the outside world. We don't learn from experience, you see.

Anyway, people always ask what it's like to live in the desert in the summer. I always say, take a hair dryer, put it on its hottest setting, then turn it on high - point it at yourself - for 3 months. That's kind of what it's like. Only worse, when you consider that one thingy called the Sun. So, now that we're heading into 9 months of staggeringly beautiful weather, please forgive me this indulgent and annoying post where I go all fruity about the weather. It's like we've been without water for 3 months and just took a big slug. Ahhhhhhh.

We Know We're Nuts, What's New

2008-10-06T11:23:00.006-07:00

Since moving to Phoenix three years ago, I've been working for my husband's firm - and my husband is my boss. Here is a pause ______ for you to swallow that holy-shit in your throat. See, when we decided to move here, I had to leave my Fortune-500 career-type-job because it wouldn't transfer down here; his firm threw me a bone and I've been torturing my hubs from 8-5 ever since.

At this point, almost everyone who hears this says "are you NUTS?" - because people just cannot fathom working with the person they married. On one hand, I understand their contention. On the other, I don't get it - I mean, if you can't work-it-out with the person you married, of all people, then how the heck do you manage to work out a marriage of all things, which is a tad more complicated than the workplace? Just curious. So, I'm always a bit struck by the fact that people are JUST DUMBFOUNDED by the fact that we can work together - and 90% of the time they say "I could NEVER, ever work with my spouse, NEVER!!" - am I the only one who finds that a strange oxymoron?

Now, this is not to say that the marriage sub-language does not make it into the office. Oh no, it is insidious - no matter how hard I attempt to snuff it out. And, I think my husband is a saint; I think the saints should come marching in at any point - on any given day, seriously. I fully admit to being a total pain in the ass on some days - there, it's in print - and he loves and adores me nonetheless. At the office, I think there are 3 major "looks" from the marriage sub-language that he has to deal with on a regular basis:

1) Look #1: "I'm on the internets, probably very busy researching who is on Perez Hilton - what could you POSSIBLY want that's more important, but OOPS I also shouldn't be doing this" - so, this look is a mixture of irritation, guilt, and "I love you, honey!".

2) Look #2: "I have PMS, so you may as well grab ALL of my nerve pathways in a bundle, pour kerosine on them, take a lighter, and torch them - because anything you ask me right now will feel 1 billion times worse than that" - this is when I hate working with any human being. But my husband? OH, he loves finding out the hard way just when THIS look is coming to the table, LOVES IT.

3) Look #3: "These are my teeth in a fake smile and yes I'll do that for you because we're at work right now, but if we were at home, you'd kinda be in trouble right now - but we'll have to talk about it later." This look can also be in combination, or following, Look #2. Poor fella.

Believe it or not though, we actually really do enjoy working together. Except for that PMS thing. Plus, he loves the fact that I bring baked goods in for the office almost weekly. Maybe that's why he wants me around. Maybe that's the only reason, actually, now that I think of it. He's actually rather obsessed with my baked goods. Now I feel used for my baked goods. He should double my salary, that ingrate. What am I, a caterer? Well, I'm getting off track here...

Anyway, so before I tell you about my recent sugar high, do you think you could work with your spouse, partner, love-dub, significant other? Or, are we indeed just nuts, per usual?

Soft Sugar Cookies

This is a recipe from my childhood. It's weird, because I thought these cookies were SO fantastic when I was a kid, almost heavenly; now, I would describe them as a good soft sugar cookie. I amped up the vanilla, of course. They're kind of a tangy, cakey, soft, singular-note, sugar cookie. They'd also be nice with a bit of glaze on top and would do well with the addition of almost any other flavoring that blows your hair back. So, if you're in need of a simple, sour cream based, soft sugar cookie - this is your baby, baby.

1/2 c. butter, room temperature
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 c. sour cream
3 c. flour

Preheat oven to 375F and place baking rack to middle position. Place parchment or silicone baking pad on baking sheet, set aside.

In large bowl, using electric mixer - combine butter and sugar until light and fluffy; add eggs, thoroughly combine. Add salt, vanilla, baking powder, baking soda, and sour cream - mix until combined. Add flour and mix until just combined.

Drop by tablespoons onto baking sheet, about 1 1/2 inches apart; sprinkle generously with sugar. Bake 8-10 minutes, just until bottoms are light golden. Place on cooling rack. ENJOY!

I Can't Deliver A Line

2008-09-28T11:24:00.005-07:00

At the doctor's office this week, a conversation between me and the nurse:

Nurse: Do you smoke?

Me: No, but every year it's my New Year's Resolution to start smoking. Of course, I don't keep my resolutions.

Nurse: Smoking is terrible for your health, I'm sure you know that.

Me: Yeah, I was joking. Every year I say my New Year's Resolution is that I'm going to START smoking - but since every year I don't keep my resolutions, it's the perfect resolution. Get it? You can use it if you want!

Nurse: I hate smoking, so, I don't think I'd want to start.

Me: Um, yeah - that's kinda my point.

Nurse: [blank look] I'll bring you some anti-smoking literature before you leave.

You can all thank me now for never applying for a writing job for, oh, Friends or Seinfeld. I'm sure you can gather they were breaking down my door trying to access my brainage. You're welcome.

Blobs Of Peace

2008-09-18T14:03:00.003-07:00

There are moments when I am transported into the full realization of just how dumb, as a human, I truly am. One such moment is when I look over and catch one of my dogs drinking water from his bowl, his tail wagging FURIOUSLY. He is ECSTATIC over drinking water. And I stand there riveted, humbled, enchanted. I want to drink water and wag my tail, man! I want that kind of living-in-the-moment, that kind of inner peace. Honestly though, I'm just not that great at the inner peace stuff. So then I was wondering, during my day-to-day nonsense, where ARE my daily moments when I'm actually in the moment and/or cultivating some peace? It's a sad little list:

-The first sip of my morning latte. Aka, the a.m. mouthgasm. OH IT BURNS too, and in a good way. There is no better investment than a good espresso machine. It's the first step toward World Peace. They say it begins at home people. Well, I'm telling you - it begins with a latte.

-Here comes the usual freakdom: smelling my dogs' necks, ears, breath. JUST love it. My dogs just smell so damn adorable, it's ridiculous. I should bottle it and sell it. I'd totally make 2 dollars.

-Hiking. I hike 2-3 times a week and this usually helps me actually notice there is nature outside my door and not just cars, laptops, mail, phone calls, and jerks.

-Baking. Because I'm really quite a scattered baker, I absolutely must concentrate when I'm baking - so I'm often in-the-moment while baking, which can be kind of lovely. Unless it goes wrong, which it often does - and then I just feel like a total ass for concentrating so completely yet still failing miserably. Hmmm, so maybe it's not so peaceful? Where am I going with this? Do we even care?

-Reading. I like to read every night before bedtime. Love how it makes me feel cozy and peaceful and sleepy. Except when the ceiling fan above me is turned on high (too early, that is) and it dries my eyes out completely and I can't even read anymore! Then, buzzkill. Wide AWAKE! See, now why did I have to add that last part? This entire post is just going to shit before our eyes, isn't it?

Okay, see why peace is so tough to pursue? What a sucky list indeed. I used to do yoga quite regularly, meditate, and write a little positive grateful-something each night in a journal. I'm just feeling off track here, big surprise. It makes me curious: what do other people do to ensure some dang peace and serenity in their lives? I suppose the first step might be to not call it dang peace. Oh self, how did you think of that?

So with all this thinking about peace, I really could not resist making Dorie Greenspan's World Peace Cookies. I'd been wanting to try them for months and it seemed the perfect time had arrived.

World Peace Cookies

First of all, if you don't own Dorie Greenspan's Baking: From My Home To Yours, I will pray to the Dalai Lama for your souls - past, present, and future. This is, by far, my favorite cookbook for baking - and actually, my favorite cookbook, period. I can't even begin to tell you what a great resource it is for everything baking, how beautiful it is, and how wonderfully it's written - just a fabulous book. These chocolaty cookies are delicious; kind of like a sandy, flat brownie with a bit of soft crunch and nubs of chocolate goo here and there. Now, if that can't foster world peace, what can?

1 1/4 AP flour
1/3 c. cocoa powder
1/2 t. baking soda
11 T unsalted butter, room temp.
2/3 c. light brown sugar
1/4 c. sugar
1/4 t. fine sea salt
1 t. vanilla
3/4 c. mini chocolate chips

Sift flour, cocoa, baking soda together. In a bowl, beat butter on medium speed until soft and creamy. Add both sugars, salt, and vanilla and beat for 2 minutes. Turn off mixer. Add sifted dry ingredients, pulsing at low speed to avoid flying flour. Once flour has combined a bit, continue to mix at low speed for about 30 seconds, just until flour disappears into the dough; dough may be a bit crumbly. Toss in chocolate pieces and mix only to incorporate.

Turn dough out onto a work surface, gather it together and divide it in half. Shape each half into logs that are 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Wrap logs in plastic wrap and place in fridge for at least 3 hours.

Center a rack in the oven, preheat to 325F, and line 2 baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Slice logs into rounds that are 1/2 inch thick; if rounds crack a bit as you slice, no worries - just pinch the bits back onto each cookie. Arrange the rounds on the baking sheets, leaving 1-inch between them. Bake one sheet at a time for 12 minutes - they won't look done and won't be firm, which is perfect! Transfer baking sheet to cooling rack and let cookies rest until just warm - then serve, or allow to come to room temp. Makes about 36 cookies. ENJOY!

Here I Go Again

2008-09-13T09:41:00.007-07:00

On the hiking trail again today. Ahead of me were two women walking a large sheepdog.

Woman 1: You know what I read recently - is that in larger cities like in New York, you can now rent pets. Isn't that great?

Woman 2: [laughing] Are you serious?

Woman 1: Oh yeah! You can rent a pet for while, or a weekend, or rent one for a walk. I mean, I guess in a big city maybe you don't want a pet for life, but it'd be nice for here or there, or for a day.

Woman 2: Yeah, I guess it's a good thing huh? You can sell anything these days!

Woman 1: Yeah, like maybe if you were a divorced Dad and had the kids for a weekend, you could rent a puppy or a dog for the kids. Or if you were lonely, you could rent a dog for the week. What a great idea! Pet Rentals!

~~~~~~~
YEAH. Because animals don't bond at all, hmmmm? They have no feelings, no separation anxiety, and should be treated as RENTAL PROPERTY, yes? Let's just rent them out to the kind of humans who actually think animals are rent-able and continue to reinforce the notion that we humans seem to think that creatures other than us are disposable. Yes, brilliant.

Next up: how I feel about renting abandoned children! Not sure if you want children?
Rent a Kid! Try it on!

I swear I need a room in my house where I can just smash stuff. I need a fainting couch.

Mountainside With Caterpillars

2008-09-08T09:20:00.015-07:00

I haven't been posting as often lately - I don't know what it is really; perhaps a bit of not-much-going-on-ness or even a bit of heaviness in the air. At times, stuff just pours out of me, other times...not so much. Then last week, I read this post and ding ding ding - I finally had a diagnosis: an emotional hangover. Not from anything specific really, just from a lot of little things I've picked up here and there - little pieces of baggage I'm programmed to pick up and carry for others. Emotional hangover, yes. I checked Pfizer's website already, by the way, and there is NO new pill for it. And no matter how many aspirin I take or who I call in the morning, there it is - this lingering emotional hangover.

Luckily, we live right at the base of a mountain (a Phoenix "mountain", that is) near a trailhead of miles and miles of hiking. Upon these trails, I sometimes lose that hangover for a while and - I SWEAR - the "writing" just POURS out in my head, just CRYSTAL CLEAR - and I get home, sit down to type it out - and what comes out is this: bleh, meh, blergh. It's gone. So, either my memory is shit - or my mind is creating its own fish tales. But still, those trails are an inspiring place.

On Saturday, I went on a long hike and about 30 minutes up the mountain I came upon what I can only describe as a "caterpillar migration". These caterpillars were yellow and black, ranging from about an inch long to three inches long - and there were hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of them on the trail. I've never seen anything like it. All headed in one direction - downward-ish, north-ish - but I don't know where, exactly. I kept hiking - well, tiptoeing now, for the next quarter mile - with no visible end to the caterpillars.

Eventually, I decided to turn around because I was just too worried about stepping on the little creatures during their important journey, and tiptoeing wasn't proving especially enjoyable either. It was interesting to notice the other humans on the trail - some, like me, were also marveling at these little creatures - even taking pictures. Many, like me, were stepping carefully. Were the caterpillars aware we were stepping carefully for them? Probably not, but we did it for them anyways.

Am I always aware of those who step carefully around my path? Definitely not, but they do it for me anyways. I just want to say thanks, man - I try to do the same for you, even when you don't notice.

And then there were those who just trampled along carelessly, not bothering to notice whose path they might be trampling, traversing, crushing, altering, obliterating. It was right then I realized where my emotional hangover was coming from, where it always generally comes from, usually. Human bulldozers. And, until someone makes a good pill for them or for us, we're totally stuck with the kind of humans who trample everyone's paths, you know? Frickin' caterpillar smushers - they are dead to me. And they give me the worst damn hangovers. And by the way, here's your baggage back - because it's just not mine to carry for you - nor for all that you smush out there in that world of yours.

So, I went for another hike today (Monday) and only saw a few caterpillars on the trail, but looked around at some of the foliage - and sure enough, I found some of them hangin' out on the Ocotillos and other desert foliage. Why they were ALL traveling in one spot, on one day, in one direction, at the same time, I've no idea - but it was a pretty cool sight to see, and I kind of cherish it. Man, they can ORGANIZE.

To further "melt away" my emotional hangover - bad pun warning - I decided to make some freakin' perfect looking late-summer cookies I recently saw from Martha Stewart. Tony loves the taste of lemon-lime (IF I can get him past chocolate, that is) - so when I heard the title Lime Meltaways - I was sold, almost purely on metaphor potential.

[See the bit of lime zest inside the cookie? Heaven!]

Lime Meltaways

These are just a lovely, lovely cookie. They are like a meltaway shortbread with a light taste of lime. They're slightly sweet and buttery - yet, they're very light and easy, and they definitely have a "meltaway" quality. Many people suggest this as a holiday cookie as well, and I could envision adding any flavor to this recipe such as almond, cinnamon, cardamom, or whatever. I brought them into work, of course, and *boom* - they were gone and lusted after (guys really seem to like lime, anyone notice that?). They're quite darling little cookies too - great for a party.

3/4 c. unsalted butter, room temp.
1 c. powdered sugar
finely grated zest of 3 limes
2 T. fresh lime juice
2 T. vanilla extract
1 3/4 c. + 2 T. AP flour
2 T. cornstarch
1/4 t. coarse salt

Using electric mixer, whisk butter and 1/3 c. powdered sugar in bowl on medium speed until pale and fluffy. Add lime zest, juice, vanilla - mix until fluffy. In another bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, salt - add to butter mixture and mix on low speed until just combined.

Divide dough in half. Roll each half into a log 1 1/4 inch in diameter. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 1 hour.

Preheat oven to 350F and have baking sheet lined with parchment. Cut logs into 1/4-inch thick rounds and place slices on baking sheets 1-inch apart. Bake until barely golden on bottom of cookie, about 13 minutes, rotating the sheet 1/2 way through. Transfer cookies to wire rack for cooling, 8-10 minutes. While still warm, toss cookies with remaining 2/3 c. sugar in a plastic bag (or bowl). Cookies can be stored in airtight container at room temperature for up to 2 weeks. ENJOY!

FAQs

2008-09-02T09:13:00.006-07:00

So, the emails I receive from readers often contain similar questions, so I'll soon be creating an "About" page that will answer some of these queries. For now, I thought I'd answer THE most frequently asked questions I receive via email:

Why in creation did you name this place Velvet Lava Cafe? It's so lame.

I know, isn't it? It's because I really couldn't think of a damn thing at the time and just wanted to start writing. So, I took my two favorite desserts - Red Velvet Cake and Molten Lava Cake - and combined them into the disaster you now see before you. I flog myself daily for it.

Seriously, are you the size of a house? With all these desserts?

Well, like which house are you talking about? A doll house? Okay, no. See, I don't eat all the stuff I bake. We eat some individual portions at home - and then I bring the rest in for my co-workers, who now despise me to no living end. Also, I have a treadmill at home - and I get my ass ON IT and run like hell. Also, we go for runs, walks, hikes, and I burn a lot of calories just from complaining about shit. And, I eat pretty well; as in, lots of protein, fiber, and some veggies. If we eat out, it's mainly sushi.

Okay, give it UP. What DO you eat for breakfast and lunch from that ONE post?

Come on, MAN, let it GO! Why are people still on that? It's a good breakfast, but it's a dumb lunch - dumb! Fine. Call me out - caller outer! Breakfast is Light Vanilla Yogurt mixed with PB2 powder (thus, creating heavenly peanut butter yogurt beyond description), then toss in a cup of Kashi GoLean Cereal: consume. Okay? For the DUMB lunch: first, I have about 3/4 cup of low-fat cottage cheese so I get my OCD-protein allotment (sprinkled with Mrs. Dash Table Blend for you hair-splitters); after that, I have a cup of Fiber One cereal (the plain kind, otherwise known as rabbit food). Why? Because I'm scarred.

And all you other runners out there? You know you're just as neurotic as me about protein and complex carbs - so don't even try to hide behind your protein drinks out there, because I've got your number - you OCD nutballs, you. I better hear your support in comments. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Manager Mom and Kspinning!

Why do you use the [ - ] dash all the time?

You noticed that? Well, I'm just not satisfied with the current state of acceptable and more ubiquitous forms of punctuation - and the pauses they spawn, or don't spawn, in my writing. So, I often feel I need the dash for the proper break that I'm looking for in my head, as I'm writing. In other words, I have 2 realities going on and this [-] is my little bridge. You should try it. Because the semi-colon, period, colon, and all that? So last millennium.

What kind of camera do you use? And, do you shave or wax your legs?

Isn't that kinda personal, about my camera? Well, as far as the legs go - I shave. I tried waxing and holy hell - remember The 40 Year Old Virgin when he's getting his chest waxed and he screams out "NIPPLEFUCK!" in pain? That's how I feel about ripping hairs out of their follicles, pretty much.

As for the camera, I use the Nikon D40 - which I chose for its small size (it was between the D40, D80, and D200). For lenses, I use the Sigma 30mm f/1.4, Nikon 50mm f/1.8 (doesn't AF on the D40, btw, which is why I bought the Sigma), and my new baby - the Nikon 60mm f/2.8 Micro. The camera came with a 17-55mm kit lens, which I don't use for food photography - but would use for a few other things. I mostly use natural light, but sometimes have to use a flash. Don't let anyone tell you that you cannot use a flash - you just don't want a flash that points directly at the object. Buy a flash that has "tilt" or "bounce" capabilities - play around with it, and you can basically mimic daylight, when needed.

Why is there is no recipe for Lava Cakes?

Yeah, you caught that. Well, you see - I have about 10 different recipes for lava cakes and, therefore, [and this should be no surprise to anyone reading this blog for a while] am paralyzed as to which one to post here. So, the answer - clearly - is to post none at all, because that's how I roll. In other words, I don't roll - I just freeze instead.

You're obsessed with kitchen tools, but what is your all time favorite?

Oh, wow. I feel like I've just been punched. I'm not even sure how to answer this - i.e., favorite aesthetically? Utilitarian? Frequency? Okay, I will have to go with my Global Knives. I JUST love them to no end. They are heaven to use and are simply gorgeous as well - I love their design. I have the Santoku, a paring knife, and a serrated knife. But, it's the Santoku I have the real affair with and often stroke lovingly.

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Well, that's all for now folks. If you have any other burning questions, drop me an email - because you guys are damn funny.

The Hot Mess

2008-08-25T14:33:00.004-07:00

Some of us are Nigella Lawson and some of us are not. I am in the latter category. Nigella Lawson, aka The Domestic Goddess herself, aka the almost anti-Martha - can somehow make me feel insecure about not being able to follow a recipe as well as she can not follow a recipe. Make sense? Yeah, I know.

I watch her cook on TV - throwing and thrashing together ingredients with abandon - in no discernible order, going against ALL the baking rules set forth by all other know-it-alls. All the while, there she is smiling like a Cheshire cat, flirting with you, daring you to throw around your own ingredients, don't bother with this, don't bother with that, who has the time for it, and besides my boobs are awesome! She makes everything seem easy and adorable and delectable and a delight to make, doesn't she? I swear the woman could sell me ocean property right here in the desert, where I live. The saucy minx.

Well anyway, I've seen the little tart make this certain cake a number of times and it was on my list of "To Bake". We were craving something chocolate and I was flipping through my brain files for something different and recalled this crazy chocolate cake Nigella raved about. So I made it.

I think it's the ugliest fekkin' cake I ever made. It's a heinous slab.

But that's just so Nigella. It's a glorious loaf of delicious, messy, chocolateness. It ain't pretty, it isn't graceful to eat, it's not easy to serve right away - it's just one HOT MESS. Remind you of anyone?

Quadruple Chocolate Loaf Cake

This is a very yummy, ugly chocolate cake. Moist, chocolaty, dense, rich - and I think it goes without saying, decadent. I think the best parts of this cake were the areas where the syrup reached the cake - OH MY - extra moist and the flavor was so deep and perfect. I like my cake "fudgy" - and the areas where the syrup met the cake were where my taste buds went wacko. I think the most charming thing about this cake is it was probably the easiest dang thing I ever made in my life - i.e., toss in processor, blitz, done. That's just so Nigella.

Cake
1 2/3 c. AP flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. cocoa
1 1/3 c. sugar
1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
2 eggs
2 T. vanilla
1/3 c. sour cream
1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. mini chocolate chips

Syrup
1 tsp. cocoa
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. water

2 oz. dark chocolate, chopped or curled, for garnish

Equipment: Loaf pan - approximately 9.5 x 4.5 x 3 inches, lined with greased foil, overhanging at the top. Preheat oven to 325F and place baking sheet on middle rack.

In processor, add flour, baking soda, cocoa, sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, and sour cream - blitz until smooth. Scrape down batter and process again while pouring boiling water down the funnel. Turn off, remove lid and add chocolate chips, using spatula to combine.

Pour batter into prepared loaf pan and place on baking sheet in the oven; cook for about 1 hour. The cake will be done when the loaf has risen, split down the middle, and a cake tester comes out fairly clean.

About 10 minutes before the cake should be done, put the syrup ingredients into a small saucepan and boil for 5 minutes (it won't thicken much).

When the cake is done, place it on a cooling rack (still in the pan) and pierce here and there using a kabob skewer, cake tester, or chop stick. Pour the syrup over the cake, letting it soak in. Allow the cake to come to room temperature, then remove it from the pan and remove the foil. Sprinkle generously with chocolate garnish. ENJOY!

That One Damn Book

2008-08-20T08:50:00.002-07:00

Ann: I'm running to the book store, I'll be back later.
Tony: Can you pick up that one book Eric is reading?
Ann: Yes. I'll walk up to the help counter and say can you point me in the right direction? I'd like to buy that one book Eric is reading.

Funny, I don't recall psychic abilities being part of the marriage vows.

However, it is quite endearing that he thinks me either so omnipotent or omniscient, or just so capable, that I can take the above information from him, and nothing else, and FIND THAT BOOK.

There was one day when I swore I was seeing his aura and I told him I thought it was indigo. Or was that his shirt and it was just after my eye appointment where I had my pupils dilated? Well, either way - the guy believes in me like there is no tomorrow and I'm going to find that damn book Eric is reading.

Flueberry Frumble Frie

2008-08-16T16:56:00.006-07:00

One of the things me and Tony really love doing is laughing at each other and ourselves - it's a constant hobby and one we thoroughly enjoy. Plus, since we're really such bumbling fools-at-heart, there is really no end to material - it just rolls on in. One of Tony's specialty areas is the way in which he is forever reinventing names for something I've cooked in the past. On the weekends especially, he is always asking if I'm making this, that, or the other thing - because he is clearly calorie deprived and it is the weekend after all, hint hint.

So, these are some of the items he is constantly asking me to make:

Cloofette [That would mean the delectable Clafoutis.]

Scuffle Cake [Yeah, that's actually Souffle. I know.]

Oofda Eggs [Uh huh. This is Oeufs en Cocotte - sounds a bit more elegant the latter way, oui?]

Geejooblah Chocolate [Okay. Not self explanatory. Translation IS! Gianduja. Sinful.]

There are SO many more, and now I wish I'd written them down because I can't tell you how entertaining and mind boggling some of them are - I mean, Scuffle Cake? Almost a travesty. But not in this household. I'm not sure if it's just Guy Speak and he's determined to NOT remember the name of any fancy schmancy dish on purpose, or, if he's just trying to invent the most preposterous name he can possibly think of - to chap my ass and then make me giggle. Either way, it obviously works, huh?

Well anyway, I made a Flueberry Frumble Frie - better known to most of you as Blueberry Crumble Pie and is was so damn good I ran down the street without my pants on. Similar to the cherry dish that I just made - I asked Tony ahead of time if he liked blueberries. Well, what do YOU think? NO, of course - doesn't like them, never has, never liked blueberry pie, and blah blee blah blee I didn't even listen to the rest of it because what is the point. And afterward, of course, what do YOU think? He frickin' loved it. So then he ran down the street without his pants on.

Flueberry Frumble Frie (aka Blueberry Crumble Pie)

We adored this pie and it didn't last long in the house, it was such a treat. The filling is very sweet and satisfying - the touch of lemon zest is just divine. And the crumble topping? OH THE CRUMBLE TOPPING. Heavenly. Perfect. Lovely. So much better than a typical pie crust topping. The only downside to the pie is that we couldn't leave it alone - it was one of those desserts that when you have it around, it's addicting. So - you love it, but you hate it. Which means - it is really, really, REALLY good. And makes you run down the street without your pants on, apparently.

Filling
2 pints blueberries
2/3 c. sugar
3 t. cornstarch
1/2 t. finely chopped lemon zest

Crumble
3/4 c. AP flour
1/2 c. dark brown sugar
6 T. butter, cut into small pieces

Use this crust recipe, with baking instructions below

Crumble: combine flour and sugar in processor until combined. Add butter and pulse until mixture forms a crumble, don't over mix. Keep in fridge until ready to use.

Filling: in large bowl, combine all ingredients. Using back of a large spoon, crush about 20% of the blueberries to release the juices and thicken the filling.

Pie/crust: Preheat oven to 350F. Take your prepared pie tin (with dough in the tin, ready for baking, make sure you've poked holes in bottom of crust w/ fork) and line the dough with aluminum foil; fill with pie weights or dried beans. Bake until crimped edges are firm, about 10 minutes; remove foil and weights and bake until bottom is firm, about 10 minutes. Fill the crust with berry mixture and top with the crumble. Place on a lined baking sheet and baked until filling starts to bubble, 1 - 1 1/4 hours. Remove, and cool on a wire rack. Adapted from Martha Stewart. ENJOY!