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Guam Department of Agriculture's "May Day"

It was a pretty exciting week around here, thanks to a couple of major events. The first was the Guam Department of Agriculture’s annual “May Day” celebration (which does not actually take place on May Day, but whenever the harvest is at its peak), when the department’s organic farm is open to the public and everyone is invited in to harvest the excess, see organic farming in action, and enjoy a meal together made with local foods. We only caught the first hour and a half due to heat, daddy lunch dates, and nap schedules, but it was a great morning all the same. Having the views that I do on respectful treatment of animals, it’s always a bummer to see them hanging out in tiny cages, but the highlight of the event for Annabelle was being able to see some of the varieties of chickens and other small animals available on island. I was most excited about the starfruit tree and the demo set up by the people who started growing hydroponic lettuce on the island a year or so ago. It’s really exciting to see how much more has become available in terms of chemical-free local foods in just the few years that we’ve been here.

Annabelle's first haircut.

On Saturday, we took Annabelle for her very first haircut. I’d love to let it grow as long as it will, but it has been getting in her eyes, and was extremely unruly in the back, which wouldn’t be a problem if she would ever let a comb near it. So we decided to see if she’d go for a cut. I scheduled a much needed appointment for myself earlier in the afternoon so that she could watch the process before trying it out for herself, and I think that helped. We took her to a kids’ salon, where she got to sit in a Powerwheels Jeep, which she thought was pretty awesome. She was very busily “driving” most of the time, and didn’t mind having her hair cut one bit. By evening, she was asking to go again.  Since it was one of our last few weekends on island, we passed the time between my cut and hers by doing some very Guam things, like sitting on Carabao statues and picking mangoes in the park. Mother’s Day was pretty uneventful, as Annabelle got sick yet again, or perhaps simply showed she had never quite gotten over that stomach bug from last week.

One of those parts of the island life we're savoring while we can. Sunday's sunset.

What did start to show itself on Sunday was a delightfully sassy streak in Annabelle. She and Andrew hung out in the morning while I slept in, and apparently he encouraged her to greet me with, “Happy Mother’s Day,” when I woke up. She will not be told what to say, and so instead walked around much of that day and the next repeating, “Not happy Mother’s Day!” Once my faithful partner in the Hypnobabies homestudy course, she has also started taking and negating the affirmation that says, “Babies are born on their birth days, not when doctors decide.” She now walks around giggling and saying, “YES when doctors decide!” Then tonight she wanted to read one of our current library books: A Stick is an Excellent Thing and while waiting for me to sit down to enjoy it with her, she started saying the line, “A stick is an excellent thing, if you find the perfect one…” When I went to tuck her in, and she protested by asking to read books, I reminded her that we had just read A Stick is an Excellent Thing and she replied, “A stick is NOT an excellent thing, and you DO NOT find the perfect one.” At least I don’t have to worry about her being a child who will do whatever others tell her to!

A favorite pastime this week has been nursing her doll, something she had never done before. She actually asked me right before this picture was taken if I would help her take her shirt off so that her doll could nurse, which is funny because I don’t typically take mine off for nursing, and never have. Apparently she has her own style. It also gives me a laugh to think that this is the first time she has really taken an interest in that particular doll, which I bought when she was an infant with the idea that it would be her “lovie,” or attachment object if she was into such a thing. She never needed an attachment object, I guess, but is now attachment parenting the doll! Funny how that works.

I'm really reaching when it comes to exciting activities here lately. This is A "making bubbles" with her bouncy whisk, soap, water, and a bit of paint for color.

Annabelle also seems to have an interesting desire to repeat experiences, which I really noticed with the doll nursing. The first time she did it, she walked around for quite a long time, nursing as I worked in the kitchen. After awhile, I said, “Your doll must be super hungry!” and later when she switched from one side to the other asked, “Did your doll ask for the other side?” She has since nursed the doll a couple of times each day, and everytime urges me to, “Say: Is your doll super hungry?” and asks, “Mama say, ‘other side, please.’” I hadn’t noticed it previously, but this is something she does often – asking me to say the same thing I said last time we had a particular experience. I don’t remember seeing this in other children before.

The stomach bug seems to have made a reappearance over the past couple of days, so not much else has gone on, but we’ve had some fun times at home together, baking bread, drawing, and preparing for the move. Next week will be our last in this house!

What about you? What’s new with your family? What are your children up to? I’d love for you to fill me in with a comment, or by linking your own post. Really, I would!

Annabelle enjoys a day out with one of her favorite caregivers: her dad.

There are two things I have learned about Attachment Parenting since beginning my own journey as a mother. The first is that many of these principles are intuitive for parents. Their implementation is not limited to those who self-identify as “attached parents.” Most of us, in fact, if asked, would say that we strive to provide consistent and loving care. The second thing I have learned is that the implementation of these principles looks very different from household to household.

The principle of providing Consistent and Loving Care in particular can play out in so many different ways, and it brings up one of the most hotly debated and divisive parenting debates: who cares for our children.

An Attached Caregiver

For some, the best way to provide consistent, loving care is by ensuring that one parent can stay at home full time with their child or children. This makes it possible to nurture a secure attachment between parent and child, while being there to attend to all of the child’s needs. For others, it means arranging the work schedules of parents so that one or the other can always be available to provide care. Still others do their best to select a caregiver or caregivers who they trust will treat the child with love and respect. Not every parent has the option to stay home with their children, and not every parent is at their best when they’re in a stay-at-home role. This is okay. I firmly believe that it’s a positive thing when children can have multiple secure relationships, and there’s no inherent disadvantage to sharing care between parents and loving caregivers. In fact, in most cases it’s quite the opposite!

Beyond early childhood, the questions of whether and where to send children to school, how to handle boundaries with older children and teenagers, and how to nurture changing relationships with our children in general come up. These are issues I think about often, but they’re not on my radar at the moment and I don’t feel like I’m in a position to comment on them much, but just as with providing care in early childhood, what constitutes “consistent” and “loving” in one household may be completely different from what another consistent and loving family chooses. We all do what makes the most sense for us.

In Our House

Being silly with her best girl P, just after a shoulder ride courtesy of P's mama.

I stopped working in February to prepare for Annabelle’s birth in March of the same year, and I have had the opportunity to stay home full time with her ever since. I am her primary caregiver during the day, and her dad and I share the caregiver role pretty equally among us the rest of the time, or at least attempt to. I’m far from perfect, but I have tried to nurture our attachment by taking time out each day to really spend time together, whether snuggling, reading books, or playing a silly game. It’s easy to get caught up in the rest of the business of the house, and I’ll confess that I get lost in the to-do list far too often. Even so, I consider my primary job as a stay-at-home parent to be parenting. Some days, I manage to get a lot of housework done while I’m at it, but other days my focus needs to be more on Annabelle and I wrap the essential cleaning and organizing up together with the husband after A has gone to sleep for the night.

While I’m happy to stay home, and grateful that it’s a decision I can make fairly easily, I also believe that as women and as role models, we mothers owe it to our children and ourselves to nurture our own needs and follow our bliss as well. I am working to find a balance between caring for Annabelle, and incorporating things, like writing, that make me feel fulfilled as a person. As a wise friend said recently, “I have also been reminded that if I am giving more than what keeps me whole and balanced, then what I am really giving is nothing.” In my view, modeling self-love is an important part of offering loving care, and I’m slowly discovering ways to incorporate things into our days that fill me, while still honoring Annabelle’s needs. It’s a balancing act, to be sure, and I frequently fall over and need to pick myself up to start again.

One way that my husband nurtures his attachment with Annabelle while simultaneously helping me take the necessary time for self-care, is by taking her out on the weekends, or spending a Saturday or Sunday at home with Annabelle while I go off on my own or with a friend. Not only does this give me time for myself, but it gives the two of them quality time and allows Annabelle the opportunity to see that her dad is an equally capable and important caregiver, even if he isn’t home as much as I am.

Another wonderful help in this area has been having families in our lives who share our parenting values. Unfortunately, our two best friend families left the island ahead of us, so we have been missing them for some time now, but balance was much easier when they were still around. Annabelle’s first best friends both happen to have parents who are special friends of ours as well, and who share similar priorities when it comes to parenting. Their parents were trusted caregivers when we all lived nearby, and they had very special bonds with Annabelle. It meant so much to see her interact joyfully with them, and to be able to leave her in their care for a day to myself or a date night, knowing that she was receiving loving care and enjoying herself at the same time. I loved being able to provide the same in return, and hope we’ll find some more wonderful friends in our new home. It takes so much pressure off of me, and always feels great to be able to provide the same in return.

Looking Ahead

As time goes on, Annabelle grows to need my focused attention less and less. Soon, she won’t need my “care” so much as my support, and occasional gentle guidance. Beyond these early childhood years, there are so many variables to consider, and what consistent and loving care looks like in our home will depend so much on how our lives evolve.

I’m open to the idea of homeschooling Annabelle and her sibling, and continuing to provide what care is needed here at home. As I explained in The Schooling Dilemma, I feel that most schools fail to provide an environment that truly, lovingly nurtures the child’s spirit. At the same time, I’d like to remain open to the idea that I might personally be more fulfilled later on if I can return to work outside the home, or that one or both children might have needs that are best met elsewhere. If this is the case, I’ll do my best to find a nurturing school environment.

It’s also possible that my husband will decide to go to grad school in a few years, or will take some time out of the work force to develop a project of his own. In either case, it may be preferable for me to be the primary wage earner for a time, handing over the role of daytime caregiver to him. As a family of four, we’ll have the needs and priorities of four individuals to consider as we work out how best to organize our lives in the years to come. Fortunately, there are a number of different ways to provide loving care to our children, so I have no doubt we’ll find a solution that works for us.

What does “consistent and loving care” mean to you, and how does it look in your home?

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Some wonderful posts on the topic, for starters. Please share your own if you have written on the topic, or feel inspired to do so in the future.

From Hobo Mama – Parenting Alone: We Need More Allomothers

In fighting so hard for attachment parenting — carry your baby, breastfeed day and night — I feel like sometimes I miss the point that traditional mothers would do this with help. We weren’t meant to parent alone, and our babies weren’t meant to be so isolated and attached to only one caregiver.

From Rachael at The Variegated Life – Do You Have This?

I wanted my baby to know that he belongs in this human family; that we would hold him in his tears, anger, and sorrow; that it’s OK to have needs and desires of his own; and that if we laugh at his nonsense, we laugh only out of delight. I wanted him to know that one can love and love and love and care for another freely. And that intimacy is possible.

From Grow with Graces – Attachment Parenting … And Nanny Makes 3? discusses the value of choosing an alternate caregiver who shares your parenting philosophy.

From the Natural Parents Network Resource Pages: Provide Consistent and Loving Care. This list provides a wide variety of resources on the topic, from choosing alternate caregivers to staying connected through divorce or reconnecting after a long absence.

Frustrations

Nausea, nausea, and more nausea.

Sudden difficulty coping, for both Annabelle and me.

Needing more sleep than usual, and more than I want to make time for.

Misrepresentations and media-created controversy.

A stomach bug and a whole lot of extra laundry.

Tiny starfruit and their beautiful flowers.

Joys

The wiggles and movement that remind me of what’s to come.

Reconnecting, with smoothie dates and stress-melting park visits.

One last chance to enjoy the Department of Agriculture’s beautiful organic farm.

Reminders, and excuses to soak up the island life.

Quiet evenings and time for reading books.

Naps.

For most of us, childbirth education begins long before adulthood. We may see women in our lives preparing for their own births and later hear them sharing their stories. Some of us may even have the honor of being present for the birth of a relative or loved one. Even those of us who are not around birthing women will see depictions of childbirth in television and movies, and all of this plays a role, whether we realize it or not, in our subconscious feelings about birth.

Image Credit: andreannaarambula on Flickr

Growing up, I was one of the oldest grandchildren in a fairly large extended family, so not only did I see my own mother go through two pregnancies, but there was often a pregnant aunt or more distant relative, and I even had the honor of witnessing the birth of one of my cousins in my teenage years. When TLC’s A Baby Story came out, it quickly became one of my favorite things to watch. It was there that I first encountered the idea of a water birth, and outside of that, I was accustomed only to medicalized birth in the hospital with pain medication. This seemed to work out fine for the women in my family, and for most of the families on television, so I never thought to consider another way.

Then came my introduction to Montessori philosophy. It was Dr. Montessori’s writing that first led me to consider a different way to birth. I was barely eighteen when I began reading The Discovery of the Child, and it was then that my idea of birth was completely turned upside down. Dr. Montessori writes,

But what care have men taken to assist the child as it makes the most difficult adjustment of all, that of passing from one mode of existence to another? At no other period in his life does man experience such a violent conflict and struggle, and consequent suffering, as at the time of birth…it has grown in a place where it was protected from all assaults, from every change of temperature, in a fluid created for its rest. And in an instant it has changed this dark and silent home for the hostile air… The doctor handles it without any particular regard, and when it starts to cry in desperation no one takes it seriously…

… a newborn child should not simply be shielded from harm, but measures should also be taken to provide for psychic adjustment to the world about it… The needs of a newborn child are not those of one who is sick but of one who is striving to adjust oneself physically and psychologically to new and strange surroundings.

Our attitude towards the newborn child should not be one of compassion but rather of reverence before the mystery of creation, that a spiritual being has been confined within limits perceptible to us. The manner in which we touch and move a child, and the delicacy of feeling which should inspire us at the time, makes us think of the gestures that a priest uses at the altar. His hands are purified, his motions are studied and thoughtful, and his actions take place in silence and in darkness that is penetrated only by a light that has been softened in its passage through stained glass windows. A feeling of hope and elevation pervades the sacred place. It is in surroundings such as these that the newborn child should live.

The first period of human life has not been sufficiently explored, and yet we are constantly becoming more aware of its importance. Hardships and privations in the first months of a child’s existence can, as we now know, influence the whole course of his future development. But if in the child are to be found the makings of the man, it is in the child also that the future welfare of the race is to be found.

Too little attention is paid to the newborn child that has just experienced the most difficult of human crises. When he appears in our midst, we hardly know how to receive him, even though he bears within himself a power to create a better world than that in which we live ourselves.

Of course what Montessori speaks of above is the newborn period, but I believe her words are also applicable to birth. She points out that, “At no other period in his life does man experience such a violent conflict and struggle, and consequent suffering, as at the time of birth…it has grown in a place where it was protected from all assaults, from every change of temperature, in a fluid created for its rest. And in an instant it has changed this dark and silent home for the hostile air…The doctor handles it without any particular regard, and when it starts to cry in desperation no one takes it seriously.”

It only makes sense to me that, if we have options that might allow us to prevent as much as possible the conflict and struggle inherent in many medically managed births, we ought to start our special care of the newborn there. If we can lessen the difficulty of the transition, let us do so. In most births, there is no reason why a doctor must be the first person to handle the infant. If we can, let us ensure that gentle, loving hands are the only ones that touch our newborn children.

It was this particular passage that led me down the path to learning about natural childbirth. Years before I would ever become pregnant, I was determined to offer my child the most gentle transition into the world that I possibly could.

Fast forward to two and a half years ago, and my experience with more formal childbirth education began, heavily influenced by the words of Dr. Montessori. While pregnant with Annabelle, I read the book HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method, and learned that birth did not need to be a painful or frightening event. I devoured Birthing from Within, and learned about the fascinating process of birth. Developing a respect for this process was so empowering! Next, I read Dr. Sears’ The Birth Book, which only added to my feeling of empowerment and excitement about giving birth naturally.

As the time for my daughter’s birth approached, I decided to take a more formal childbirth preparation course. I purchased the HypnoBabies home study course, and jumped in with a healthy dose of skepticism. This program focused on reprogramming the mind to replace old thoughts and fears about birth with affirmations and positive feelings. It taught a number of strategies for reaching within oneself and using the power of the mind to eliminate fear during birth, and subsequently the pain that often accompanies that fear.

I never fully embraced the program, but I followed it carefully and hoped it would “work” for me anyway. I had the birth experience I was looking for, but I think this was due in large part to my anticipation and complete lack of fear. I’m sure the daily positive messages I received while listening to my HypnoBabies cds were helpful, but the key for me was simply being prepared and trusting my body and the natural process of birth. This sort of attitude, I believe, makes all the difference in the world. I’m so grateful to have discovered resources that helped me develop that trust!

This time around, I have read a few books on birth that I wasn’t familiar with when pregnant with Annabelle. Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth have been favorites, for example. I have made halfhearted attempts to review and prepare with my HypnoBabies materials, and I’d like to do this a bit more, but ultimately I feel ready either way. I have seen what my body can do, I have seen the process of birth, and I know that I have nothing to fear. This is the greatest gift my childbirth education has given me, and I think it’s the most important lesson any birthing woman can learn.

Did you take a childbirth preparation course, or prepare on your own with books? What helped you the most?

Many of Sonnie’s ideas on Peace Education are described in her book Honoring the Light of the Child, but what I’d like to share with you today is a new book she has written with her husband, Dr. Jim McFarland, Montessori Parenting: Unveiling the Authentic Self. Sonnie was kind enough to agree to send me a copy of the book to read and review, and to share an additional copy for one of you, which you can enter to win at the bottom of this post. My receipt of the book was facilitated by Jim and Sonnie’s adult son, which I take as a testament to their parenting and the loving relationship with their children that it facilitated.

There are a number of books available that describe specific practices that parents interested in Montessori can adopt. There are also a number of free resources online, and all of this is wonderful. As a passionate Montessorian myself, however, I have long felt like something was missing. Those of you who have been readers here for awhile know that I’m more interested in implementing Montessori philosophy into natural family life than in designing a Montessori home school. When the focus is on materials and activities, we stand to miss so much!

As a Montessori certified teacher with vast experience, a parent educator, a mother of adult children, and now a grandmother, Sonnie is well versed in both the Montessori method and Montessori philosophy as they relate to teachers and to parents. When I read her work, I feel that I have found a kindred spirit, albeit an older and wiser one. The first two parts of Montessori Parenting focus on discovering and unveiling the “Authentic Child”, or the child who is allowed to follow his natural process of development unhindered. In this first part of the book, Sonnie and Jim describe some lesser known aspects of Montessori philosophy and how they relate to the child’s process of development. They beautifully describe the value of helping children to see themselves as a part of the whole universe, and to develop an understanding, over time, of the interconnectedness of all living things.

The third part of the book focuses on “Creating Nurturing Home Environments”, and I was delighted to see that it focused not only on the physical environment, offering ideas for creating a living space that honors and empowers the child, but that it also looks at ways we as parents can create nurturing mental, emotional, and spiritual environments for our children. The final part of the book is entitled, “Being an Authentic Parent,” and it covers a number of ways that we can change our own thinking, nurture ourselves, and modify our parenting practices and ways of relating to our children in a way that helps them stay in touch with their true nature.

Sonnie and Jim draw not only on Montessori’s words, but also on their thorough knowledge of child development. They discuss and integrate concepts from psychology like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and also include nonviolent communication practices. The breadth of their knowledge obviously goes far beyond Montessori’s work, and they do a wonderful job of pulling together a number of strategies and ideas that parents can use to support their goal of parenting respectfully and collaboratively. I don’t necessarily agree with every last suggestion, but I appreciate the knowledge behind each one and found that even in cases where my personal implementation would be slightly different from what Sonnie and Jim suggest, the basis for their recommendations is clear and useful.

More than anything, I am thrilled to see a book on parenting with the Montessori philosophy with the simple goal of supporting children as they develop and reveal to us their authentic selves. It’s not about molding our children to fit our ideal, or even about academic success – it’s about giving them the freedom and support to be exactly who they are. I’m so grateful to Sonnie and Jim for bringing that to light!

Buy It
Montessori Parenting: Unveiling the Authentic Self is available for $25 through Shining Mountains Press. To purchase it, you can visit the site here.

Win It
You can enter to win your own copy of Montessori Parenting by commenting on this post to let me know why you’d like to win. Be sure to click the “do it” button on the rafflecopter widget after commenting so that your entry will be recorded. You can earn plenty of extra entries by following the directions in the widget below. This giveaway is open worldwide.

Disclosure: I received a copy of Montessori Parenting free of charge for the purpose of this review. No other compensation was promised or provided. All opinions expressed are my own, and I don’t benefit directly from purchases of this or any other item. I strive to choose only items I think my readers will enjoy, from sellers I can recommend with a clear conscience. See my full disclosure on the About page.

Giveaway linked up with Living Montessori Now and Hobo Mama Reviews.

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A silly pregnancy self-portrait to celebrate the transformation of my bellybutton from an "innie" to an "outie."

Oh, what a week it has been! Poor Annabelle ended up with a stomach bug of some kind on Sunday night that, between the illness itself and the lack of sleep, had her looking, and probably feeling a bit pathetic up until today. Right after I wrote about how smoothly sleep was starting to go, this came on and threw it all out of whack, and also brought the need for some days at home to recover and keep the germs to ourselves. Staying at home all day is not what it used to be now that we have only a table and a bed for furniture, and little entertainment.

Fortunately, we have not lost our rhythm completely, and we had the good sense to keep the spare sheets behind rather than send them with the movers. All’s well that ends well, right? Tonight and last night, Annabelle went to sleep after calling me in just one time during the drifting off process. She really seems to be comfortable with this new way of doing things, and it feels great!

I began my third trimester on Saturday, and boy can I feel it! It seems as though my uterus is taking up my entire abdominal cavity and it’s difficult to imagine it growing any more, though I know it must. This baby’s movements are so much different from Annabelle’s, and I actually find them downright painful at times. Until recently, I could almost forget I was pregnant sometimes, as I went about the business of the day, but of course the jabs to my ribs are wonderful reminders that I have a thriving, developing human in there, so I’m happy for them to continue all the same!

Exactly 28 weeks pregnant.

I had a prenatal appointment on Thursday and Annabelle talked from the time she woke up about how the doctor was going to measure my belly. I casually mentioned her enthusiasm as my OB was getting her measuring tape, and she invited Annabelle up to the exam table to help. She was thrilled! I had bloodwork done in advance of this appointment and was happy to learn that my iron levels have returned to “normal.” What’s interesting is that my platelets, obviously another very important part of my blood, are low. They’re not alarmingly low or anything, but still something to be aware of. I followed all the rules while pregnant with Annabelle, but this time have been drinking coffee and tea in moderation, and I think that may be the difference. I have cut those out again, mostly, so we’ll see if that makes a difference.

"You're digging in dirt like a tractor!"

Annabelle has been obsessed with construction vehicles. Every time we’re in the car, she talks about how she’s “wanting to see a tractor,” and she is thrilled by every dump truck and cement truck she sees. She loves climbing into and out of the car by herself lately, but when she gets into the larger of our two vehicles, she often needs a boost. I put my hand under her bottom and offer a bit of a push when asked, and lately her method of asking has been to say, “Mama, scoot you [me] up like a tractor!” My hand plays the tractor, and she’s the dirt pile, I guess. When we were out for a walk on the weekend and she saw this pile of rocks, she immediately climbed on it and started, “digging like a tractor!” She was incredibly happy!

Being silly while we try out the new wrap I bought for the baby. I did not get it tight enough, but I love it!

I’m not sure if it’s the illness and the exhaustion it has brought, or the unsettled nature of things in the midst of this move, but it has definitely been frustration central around here lately. Annabelle gets very upset when I put something down in the wrong place, say something she doesn’t want to hear, or otherwise stand in the way of what she wants, when she wants it. I am trying to meet these behaviors with gentle consistency. Responding with things like, “I’m having a really hard time understanding when you use that voice. Can you think of another way to tell me what you want?” or, “are you thinking, ‘mama, can you please help me do xyz?’” Sometimes I just have to look at her, and say, “Mama,” in a calm and questioning voice, and she’ll pick that word and tone up and use it to tell me what she’s needing. Other times I’m not so patient, or she’s not so responsive, or both, and we end up in a bit of a rough spot, but so far we’re making it through them.

Smoothie date!

Through it all, though, we’re having fun. Her jokes involving what things are (“That’s not a tree! That’s an apple!”) have evolved and she now prefers to laugh about the attributes of different things. A favorite has been, “The ocean doesn’t have arms to hold you! That’s funny!”  She also talks frequently and enthusiastically about the new baby and the new house. The baby’s nursing habits are a topic of great interest, and I’m also asked frequently to pull up you tube videos of mammals nursing their young. There’s plenty to pull us all through the frustrating moments, I suppose!

What has been happening in your house this week? Feel free to link up with your own update post below, or just use the comments section to fill me in!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how relatives help or hinder their parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

The last time all of us were together. (Image credit: Walt Palmer Photography)

The husband and I married and conceived shortly after moving a good seven thousand miles away from both of our extended families. This has been in a challenge, but in some ways also a blessing. We both have families we love and are loved by, and we miss them dearly. We keep up through phone calls, emails, and despite the challenging (sixteen hour!) time difference, try to make video chats via Skype happen at least every few weeks. Of course a big part of my goal with blogging, especially my What’s New posts each Wednesday, is to keep everyone in the loop as much as they would like to be. Our families are important to us, and we’re grateful for them, but the reality of our lives means that we simply can’t be involved with one another’s day to day in the way that we may if we were close by.

The inability to stay as involved as families that live near one another is a bummer, to be sure. I come from a relatively large family myself and always treasured my relationships with my siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and parents. When there’s a birthday, a major change, a holiday or just something to celebrate, I feel a twinge of sadness that I can only share it through a phone call. A few new babies have been born on both sides of the family since we left, and I try not to think about the fact that they’ll be walking, talking, full-fledged personalities before I have the opportunity to meet them. The wonderful thing about family, however, is that we can be secure in the fact that they care, even if it has been a week, or two or three or more since we’ve been able to catch up on the latest news with them. Even when a great deal of time has passed, I can still feel the special bond we all have when we have the chance to get in the same room. We won’t always be separated by such a great distance, and I’m grateful for that.

The silver lining on this whole thing is the strong bond we have been able to form as a family of three (almost four!). We’ve had nearly three years of marriage, and more than two years since becoming parents to establish ourselves. We have settled into a rhythm, figured out what’s important to us when no one else is watching, and really built a strong identity as a family. We all have values and traditions that come from our families of origin, and when a new family is formed, there’s a lot of growing and stretching and working out what should stay, what can go, and how it all fits together. We haven’t had to make the difficult decisions about which side of the family to spend Thanksgiving with, or how to spread visits around to make sure everyone feels like they get equal love and attention. Extended families come with a lot of joy, but they also come with expectations, and I’m grateful that we’ve been able to form a strong sense of what we value with some physical separation from those expectations. It’s in my nature to want to keep everyone happy, so even from this great distance I feel the heavy weight of knowing we’re not pleasing everyone all the time.

We’ll be moving soon, and I’m looking forward to opportunities to share in big events in the lives of people we love – the weddings, births, holidays, and anything in between. After three years of living in a house that my siblings have never seen, I’m eager to have them out for a visit and stay up late talking and watching movies like we used to. I’m excited to watch my children’s relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins grow as they can finally experience these people as more than just faces on a screen or in pictures and stories we tell. We’re fortunate to have such special people in our lives, and I’m grateful that we can share with them and benefit from their wisdom and experience from a place of knowing who we are and what we value as a family unit.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Dealing With Unsupportive Grandparents — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, The Pistachio Project tells what to do when your child’s grandparents are less than thrilled about your parenting choices.
• Parenting With Extended Family — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares the pros and cons of parenting with extended family…
• Parental Support for an AP Mama — Meegs at A New Day talks about the invaluable support of her parents in her journey to be an AP mama.
• Priceless Grandparents — That Mama Gretchen reflects on her relationship with her priceless Grammy while sharing ways to help children preserve memories of their own special grandparents.
• Routines Are Meant To Be Broken — Olga at Around The Birthing Ball urges us to see Extended Family as a crucial and necessary link between what children are used to at home and the world at large.
• It Helps To Have A Village – Even A Small One — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she has flourished as a mother due to the support of her parents.
• The Orange Week — Erika at Cinco de Mommy lets go of some rules when her family finally visits extended family in San Diego.
• One Size Doesn’t Fit All — Kellie at Our Mindful Life realizes that when it comes to family, some like it bigger and some like it smaller.
• It Takes a Family — Alicia at What’s Next can’t imagine raising a child without the help of her family.
• A new foray into family — As someone who never experienced close extended family, Lauren at Hobo Mama wrestles with how to raise her kids — and herself — to restart that type of community.
• My Mama Rocks! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment is one lucky Mama to have the support and presence of her own awesome Mama.
• Embracing Our Extended Family — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares 7 ideas for nurturing relationships with extended family members.
• Doing Things Differently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares how parenting her children far away from extended family improved her confidence in her choices.
• Snapshots of love — Caroline at stoneageparent describes the joys of sharing her young son’s life with her own parents.
• Parenting with Relies – A mixed bag — Ursula Ciller shares some of her viewpoints on the pros and cons of parenting with relatives and extended family.
• Tante and Uncles — How a great adult sibling relationship begets a great relationship with aunt and uncles from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Tips for Traveling With Twins — Megan at the Boho Mama shares some tips for traveling with infant twins (or two or more babies!).
• Parenting passed through the generations — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the incredible parenting resource that is her found family, and how she hopes to continue the trend.
• My Family and My Kids — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders whether she distrusts her family or if she is simply a control freak.
• Parenting with a Hero — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet reminisces about the relationship she shared with her younger brother, and how he now shares that closeness in a relationship with her son.
• Text/ended Family — Kenna of A Million Tiny Things wishes her family was around for the Easter egg hunt… until she remembers what it’s actually like having her family around.
• Two Kinds of Families — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how her extended family is just as valuable to her mommying as her church family.
• My ‘high-needs’ child and ‘strangers’ — With a ‘high-needs’ daughter, aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings has had to manage without the help of family or friends, adapting to her daughter’s extreme shyness and allowing her to socialise on her own terms.
• Our Summer Tribe — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a love of her family’s summer reunion, her secret to getting the wisdom of the “village” even as she lives 1,000 miles away.
• My Life Boat {Well, One of Them} — What good is a life boat if you don’t get it? Grandparents are a life boat MomeeeZen loves!
• Dear Children — In an open letter to her children, Laura at Pug in the Kitchen promises to support them as needed in her early days of parenting.
• Yearning for Tribal Times — Ever had one of those days where everything seems to keep going wrong? Amy at Anktangle recounts one such day and how it inspired her to think about what life must’ve been like when we lived together in large family units.
• I don’t have a village — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wishes she had family nearby but appreciates their support and respect.
• Trouble With MILs– Ourselves? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake Half Asleep explains how her arguments with her mother-in-law may have something to do with herself.
• A Family Apart — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings writes about the challenges, and the benefits, of building a family apart from relatives.
• First Do No Harm — Zoie at TouchstoneZ asks: How do you write about making different parenting choices than your own family experience without criticizing your parents?
• Military Family Separation — Amy Willa shares her feelings about being separated from extended family during her military family journey.
• Forging A Village In The Absence Of One — Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about the importance of creating a support network, a village, when family isn’t an option.
• Respecting My Sister’s Parenting Decisions — Dionna at Code Name: Mama‘s sister is guest posting on the many roles she has as an aunt. The most important? She is the named guardian, and she takes that role seriously.
• Multi-Generational Living: An Exercise in Love, Patience, and Co-Parenting — Boomerang Mama at The Other Baby Book shares her experience of moving back in with Mom and Dad for 7 months, and the unexpected connection that followed.
• A Heartfelt Letter to Family: Yes, We’re Weird, but Please Respect Us Anyway — Sheila of A Living Family sincerely expresses ways she would appreciate her extended family’s support for her and her children, despite their “weird” parenting choices.
• The nuclear family is insane! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle is grateful for family support, wishes her Mum lived closer, and feels an intentional community would be the ideal way to raise her children.

As a newborn, Annabelle almost always nursed to sleep. When she was a few months old, she started nursing almost to sleep, and then unlatching and letting out a wail before settling right in to sleep in my arms. It was almost as though she was saying, “I’m going to go to sleep now, but I’m not happy about it!” She always went to sleep somewhat late at night and slept in each morning, which was perfectly fine for me. Left to our own devices, the husband and I are both  natural night owls, and it seemed that she would be, too. 

Like a typical newborn, she napped on the go quite easily and this continued throughout her first six or seven months. I enjoyed this flexibility and took advantage of it by meeting friends for lunches and outings and enjoying myself while Annabelle napped in the sling when she was ready and woke up refreshed, rested, and ready to enjoy our friends a bit more. Sometime around eight or nine months, however, I began to notice that she was not napping as well while out, and the lack of quality rest showed on our busier days. I had to change our normal routine a bit and let friends know that if they wanted to get together, we had to wrap things up by noon so that I could get Annabelle home for a nap.

With this small change, she got into a groove of napping relatively well daily and, still nursing to sleep each night, she seemed to be getting adequate rest overall. Sometime between twelve and eighteen months, however, this changed. She was having a hard time getting to sleep for a nap, and often woke up after only twenty minutes or so, which was clearly not enough sleep for her. At bedtime, she was fighting sleep and often ended up awake until much later than was good for her. I became frustrated and exhausted and so, it seemed, did she. 

I tried all of the commonly suggested things: a perfectly consistent and predictable routine, music, no music, rocking, no rocking, completely darkened windows, lavender essential oil on the pillow to help her relax, etc. I saw little improvement. I read The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and decided I would also open my mind and choose a book somewhere closer to the center on the spectrum of parenting styles, for balance. I ended up in a rage throughout most of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, but I read it through and tried to keep an open mind anyway.

The one suggestion I had heard several times, and completely dismissed, was that children need to go to sleep early – as early as 6pm in some cases. Some children are just “night owls,” I insisted. As long as they sleep an appropriate number of hours, it shouldn’t matter when those hours start and end. I was willing to try anything, however, and I shifted our schedule to try for a bedtime between six and seven pm. I was ready to prove myself right and the so-called sleep experts wrong. I knew my kid was a night owl. It was in her genes! Wrong. Out of every piece of advice I tried, this made the biggest difference. At this point, things really started to improve.

Annabelle was eighteen months old and we were just settling into this new schedule when some family came to visit for a few days. I made some exceptions for the occasion and we spent an afternoon at the beach, missing nap and only catching a few minutes of sleep in the car. We visited in the evening and bedtime came late. This was when Annabelle had her first, and so far her last, night terror. It was one of the most terrifying things I had experienced as a parent. She woke up, screaming, and for the life of me I could not comfort her. For what felt like an eternity, she screamed: “NO, NO, NO!” and writhed about, not letting me touch her¹. She refused to nurse. I felt powerless, and scared.

This changed everything. It was a huge wake-up call for me. Sleep is hugely important, and in order to get adequate rest, my child needed consistency. Up until that night, we occasionally had dinners with friends and got Annabelle to bed later than I knew to be best. I had to admit that this wasn’t the best idea, and again talk to our friends about how we could enjoy time together without sacrificing quality sleep for Annabelle. We do make the occasional exception, but try to make those times few and far between.

These changes helped a great deal, but as Annabelle has gotten older, nursing has lost its magical sleep-inducing powers, and we have struggled with the bedtime routine. It was taking an awfully long time for Annabelle to settle in and fall asleep for the night, and she was used to always having me by her side as she did so. I was really losing my patience with this. I love time with her, but after a full day of caring for her by myself, having her flop around and on and over me, jabbing me with knees and elbows all the while, was not a good way to say goodnight.

Another thing that turned out to be a huge help, even if only by creating a mental shift for me, was realizing that it’s not my job to put my child to sleep. All I can do is set her up for success by creating an environment that is conducive to sleep, and support her as she gets there. I can’t make her sleep. She has her own process and, just as in an adult, it’s unique to her. It’s simply not realistic, I have come to admit, to expect her to sack out within five minutes like I do. She’s not me, after all.

When I got pregnant again, Annabelle was twenty months old and we started examining all of our routines as we prepared for life with two children. I knew that the first thing we needed to change was the bedtime routine. We started by working to help Annabelle night wean, and have since made a series of small changes in an effort to arrive at a manageable routine that not only meets Annabelle’s needs, but meets ours as well.

Each change has been preceded by a short and sweet conversation with Annabelle, where I explain to her that, “We’re going to try doing things a little differently tonight…” Once we were settled after night weaning, the next change was for me to move out of the bed at bedtime. We kept our bedtime routine the same, but instead of snuggling Annabelle to sleep and tiptoeing out when she finally drifted off, I started tucking her in, and sitting by the bed with a book and a booklight while she did her thing. Using this relaxation cd, recommended by the fabulous Zoie, helped with this shift.

This helped tremendously, as it not only freed me from the feeling of being pinned down by a wonderful, but flopping, and slow to fall asleep toddler, but it also made it easy for The Daddy to become an equal partner in the bedtime routine. We started truly splitting the evening tasks between us, and found that we had much more time to relax in the evenings. We traded off, and each night one of us would read with Annabelle, tuck her in, and sit by her bedside while the other would clean up and wash the dishes from dinner. By the time we were both finished, we were truly both finished and could wind down before heading to bed ourselves. This felt good, and for the first time – balanced.

My plan was to use some of the suggestions I had read in The No Cry Sleep Solution to move toward a scenario where we could go through our usual sleep routine, but tuck Annabelle in and leave the room, allowing her to fall asleep on her own. I didn’t expect this to happen overnight, but planned to start stepping out on errands for short periods once she was comfortable with the way we had been doing things. The idea was to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, check something in the kitchen, and so on, giving Annabelle a chance to slowly adjust to not having me right next to the bed. If this didn’t work, a similar approach was to move my chair a bit more each night, until it was no longer in the room at all, again giving Annabelle time to adjust to less and less of my physical presence.

Last week, however, I realized that this was not working. The reason Annabelle takes so long to fall asleep is because she has a hard time settling down and shutting off at night. She’s always thinking, always talking. Coming in and out of the room was far too disruptive, and if I moved away, she was far too distracted by the idea that I was there, but she couldn’t keep me in her sight, to settle down. I let go of the idea of either approach working, and decided to try yet another approach that I was sure would fail.

I told Annabelle that it was my job to make sure she got plenty of rest so that she could be strong and healthy. I also told her that I trusted her, and knew she could go to sleep without my help. I explained that I needed to go out of the room so that I could let her sleep, that I would be in the kitchen doing my work and getting ready for bed. I promised to check on her, and I reminded her that I would be right beside her when she woke up in the morning. This I tried out of desperation, certain that it would not work. I expected her to begin wailing the moment I closed the door. She didn’t.

She did climb out of bed, and come out of the room within about ten seconds. I picked her up, hugged her, and tucked her back in. Ten seconds later, she was back at the door. We repeated this process a dozen or so times until finally she stayed in bed and, eventually, fell asleep on her own. The next night was similar. I reminded her of the new routine, stepped out, and she followed shortly after. I stayed near the door so that I could carry her back to bed as many times as necessary, and eventually she went to sleep. The next night, she only came out twice. Ever since then, she has taken to calling me in repeatedly, for anything she can think of, instead of coming out. She’ll ask me to clip off one of her nails, to change the song on the ipod, to go with her to the bathroom, or to give her a hug.

It’s important to me that this process be loving and respectful, and that Annabelle know we’re not just closing the door and abandoning her, so each time she calls, I come. Some requests, I grant – especially the requests for a hug or a “snuggle.” Others, I let her know I’m happy to do tomorrow. Each night, this gets a little bit easier. Tonight she called me in twice, came out once, and was asleep within forty five minutes, which for her is really quite quick.

I can’t even describe how good it feels to have arrived at this solution. I feel like it’s truly trusting and respecting of Annabelle, and it’s meeting her needs in a way that nothing else we have tried in recent months has done. I don’t think it’s a one size fits all solution that would work for every child, but I can see it working for ours. She needs sleep, and to get sleep, she needs quiet and minimal distractions. She does need to feel safe, supported, and loved, but she does not need me to sit right beside her and make sleep happen for her. This feels like the best of both worlds: space, with support.

It may be completely unrelated to the bedtime change, but nap has been smoother and more consistent since we shifted to this new routine as well. As long as we’re in bed by a certain time, she is falling asleep almost every afternoon, and waking up looking and behaving like a child who is well-rested. It took us an awfully long time to get here, and I’m sure we’ll find that we have to adjust again as time goes on, but I’m finally feeling good about this!

Does sleep come easily in your house, or has it been a challenge? What are your favorite resources on infant and toddler sleep? How do you do bedtime? Please share so that we can all learn from one another!

There may not be many toys around, but there's always bread to bake, a counter to climb on...

Every Wednesday I write a post to reflect on any big events in our family’s life, along with all of the small changes and new developments I notice with Annabelle during the week. Life moves so quickly, and this is my way of keeping track – my virtual scrapbook, if you will. If you write a post, or put together a collection of photos, to record the happenings with your own children or family, I’d love to have you link up so I can follow along. There’s a link-up at the bottom of this post for anyone who would like to join. This year, I’m also participating in Mamatography, a 366 day photo challenge, started by Luschka at Diary of a First Child, and this weekly update seems the perfect time to post the photos I take during the week, so you’ll see them scattered about in each post.

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...and flour to dance in

If you read last week’s post, you know that the vast majority of our belongings were boxed up and put on a boat to the mainland a little over a week ago. We’re living out of suitcases, with a few pots and pans, a loaner dining table, a bed, and a stack of library books. I was prepared for the worst, knowing that the huge change in our environment could totally turn Annabelle’s world upside-down. Apparently I give our resilient girl far too little credit, because none of my fears have come to pass. She is handling things beautifully.

Whether related to the move or not, the only real change to Annabelle’s behavior that I have noticed at home is more frequent and persistent requests for my attentive presence. “Mommy sit on the floor with you [me]. Wanting mommy scooch closer.” On the flip side, there have been displays of independence like I have never before seen.

Weekend dinner at the park.

At the end of last week, we met with friends at the beach and split our time between the sand and the pool. The pool, on the property of a local hotel, has a long, winding water slide with a relatively gentle landing. I went down several times with Annabelle on my lap. The first time, she started getting scared midway down, but grinned after we’d made a safe landing and immediately asked to go again. We went a few more times and she was loving it, but on our last tandem slide, I must have done something different as we reached the end, because I ended up going underwater for a moment, with Annabelle. She recovered quickly, but did not want to join me on the slide again. Instead, she informed me that she was going to go with Gavin, the 8 year old big brother she never had. I struggled inwardly with this for a moment, but couldn’t think of a reason other than my own unfounded discomfort to say no. It was a safe slide, Gavin does a wonderful job of looking out for her, and there were very few other people around. So, I stood at the bottom of the stairs as I watched my two year old head up and get situated on her friend’s lap.

Stirring is one of her favorite things.

This may seem like a small thing, but I’m sure at least a few of you will understand how absolutely huge it felt at the time. I want so much to trust her and give her space, and at the same time I want to keep her close. She went down that slide without me several times more,  and each time I watched with a mixture of pride and sadness. Days before, I had been looking back at photos of us on our first visit to the pool, and now here she was, two years old, going off on her own with a friend.

Tonight I asked her if she thought that sometime soon, she might want a new bed to sleep in all by herself. I thought for sure I knew what her answer would be, especially since “all by yourself” is quite possibly her favorite phrase. Even so, she didn’t hesitate to reply that she wanted to sleep with mama. Lately, when she stirs in the night before I’ve made it to bed, I go in to check on her, and her words to me are, “Mama, get in bed with you.” I really am happy to see her coming into her own, but I’m grateful that she still wants me to “scooch closer” every now and then.

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Capturing the tail end of the silly song laughter fest.

Aside from the pushing and pulling, there has been a lot of laughter. Annabelle’s current favorite thing is to make up silly words, and then answer herself. Such conversations with herself go something like this, and are complete with facial expressions I can’t even describe: “Shosh. Shosh. Shah shosh.” “What!? Huh?” The daddy has aptly compared her what to Lil Jon’s. It’s serious. The other day, she was walking around singing the call to storytime that our friends at Garden Day use each week, “It’s time to tell a story. It’s time to tell a tale,” when a lightbulb went off in her head. She sang it a few times through, then got a silly grin on her face and sang a new version, using the name of one of her favorite neighbor kids, “It’s time to tell a story. It’s time to tell Matteo.” She sang her new version repeatedly, throwing her head back with laughter each and every time.

I’m finally feeling like we’ve worked out a good routine with sleep, and I see the benefits of Annabelle getting plenty of rest. One thing I’ve had to realize and adjust to is the fact that she simply does not get tired enough to take a nap unless we get out and do something in the morning, even if that’s just a good walk around the neighborhood. The bedtime routine has been downright liberating, and I’m a bit afraid to write about it for fear that the moment I do it will all fall apart, but I’m going to share more soon just the same.

Some awesome Papatography. Annabelle and a boy from down the street spent half the day digging in the mud in this planter.

I’m days away from my third trimester and getting massive. I love it. Annabelle regularly hugs “the baby”/my stomach, and seems truly excited about the whole thing. The issues with my plan to homebirth that I mentioned briefly in Friday’s post have been resolved and I’m looking forward to the culmination of this pregnancy even more than I was before.

Has there been pushing or pulling in your house this week? Any other news? I would love to hear from you, either in the comments, or over in your space. Feel free to link up if you have a post to share!

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Suddenly having to reevaluate the homebirth plan.

Learning the hard way that sunscreen reapplication is necessary after so many hours in the sun. Ouch!

Feeling overwhelmed by the clutter.

A  lack of motivation.

Bedtime challenges.

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Getting our things safely on their way to our new home.

A refreshing day at the beach and the pool with wonderful friends.

Watching my girl take giant leaps on her path to independence.

Multiple nights of restful sleep, and a resulting sense of patience.

The simple beauty of making do with less.

How was your week? Any bright spots or rough patches to share?