I think I am depressed or there is something else wrong with me and I don’t know what.

I feel helpless, useless, alone and I’m terrified.

I have no desire to do anything. Nothing.at.all.ever.

I know if I talk to Hublet about it he’ll say I have no reason to be. I have everything I need. I have a great family, I have a beautiful house, I have everything I need or want… I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.

Should I talk to him? Should I just go to the doctor? Should I find a counselor here??

I’m lost.

It takes all I have to keep the house tidy, I haven’t cooked dinner for over a week. I have no energy.

I try to make it seem like everything is alright, but I’m falling apart and I know you guys won’t judge me.

Stupid mo-fo bastards.

What the fuck is new in your world?? Not much here. Still looking for a job. Things are Tense around here. Hublet may be laid off soon. Depends on how things go. He’s let go of at least 12 people in the last couple of months. Middle management is usually the next to go so we’re worried. Hopefully the asshat that works for him will go away so he can take over that job. Managers are the only ones who are relatively safe and he’s got one retarded one working for him so we’re hoping…

Kidlets are kidlets. Kidlet3 is turning on me… whiny, bratty, I never saw that coming!
Kidlet2 is the same. He’s a boy what do you expect! Kidlet1 is the same as she has ever been. That girl will never change. The only thing that has changed is that I am charging her $2 per item taken OR the exact price, whichever is greater. Pisses me off, but what can I do???

Life is good. Hublet & I have had a couple squabbles, but nothing major. I think we’re past all that childish drama crap. He does what he wants, I do what I want, we meet in the middle. I really can’t complain. The man is home, all the time, after work (at lunch time too — which is a PAIN in the ass sometimes!), he plays his games until 8:30 or 9:00 whenever I go down to spend the rest of the evening with him. He doesn’t go out and drink, ya know… I think I’ll keep him!

Currently I have a cousin or whatever he is trying to win me tickets to the Cinco de Mayo thingy for my birthday, with Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Rev Theory & The Trews…. don’t like the Trews, but Hublet sorta does, and he missed out on Rev Theory when he didn’t want to go see Theory of a Deadman last time I went… this cousin wins tickets for EVERYTHING. Seriously. Any concert there is he wins tickets. Sucks. He just won AC/DC tickets this morning! Go figure!!! I didn’t even know they were touring!

Um yeah. That pretty much sums things up.

Aren’t ya glad I’m back???

Christmas has come and gone (nearly) for another year… ugh.

I am exhausted. I was up before the kids this morning! Woke up at 6:55am and Kidlet3 had alarm set for 7am!

We had a great Christmas Eve. My friend came over to partay with us… it was good. A table FULL of food — we had a great assortment and just kept munching all day! Kidlet1’s BFF came over, with her parents and siblings for a bit… that was nice. They live in the crescent as well. So a good time was had by all.

This morning we opened presents. Yay. I got some great gift cards, a rain check for my Logastina Cookware that the store would NOT order before Christmas for the Hublet… WTF!!! Whatever. I got a good haul considering I got Mabel for Christmas!

Hublet loved his new iPod Touch 32GB with speakers! I my “new” iPod Touch 16GB without speakers… it’s great! Just like getting a new iPod for myself!

We just had dinner and I am STUFFED like the turkey was. Ugh.

Oh and in other news… I may have Diabetes. Went to the doctor for some blood work to see why my BP is so high… and yeah, the other levels are OUT OF THIS WORLD so I have to go for a 2 hour glucose test thingy on Monday…. NOT the news I needed on Christmas Eve Eve. (23rd). I was a basket case.

Then yesterday I drank 2 1/2 bottles of wine and I was good!

Um yeah. So when I know I’ll let you know.

Oh and did I mention that Kidlet1 is not so innocent anymore?? December 12 she “lost” it… at least she told me though and I took her to the doctor for STD tests and she goes in on Jan 5th for a pregnancy test. Oh to be me. I know you’re jealous. Don’t be a hater.

Oh and I get to celebrate New Year’s with my BFF!!! I am so happy… Mommy Drunk 2008/2009!! YAY!!!!! I deserve it after the last couple of weeks…

I’m ok now, thanks for the concern.

Seriously though. I bought Hublet the new iPod for Christmas. I had a wee bit of a panic attack when I thought I bought the one WITHOUT the built in speakers. OMFuckingGod. You have no idea how scared I was. I got the fucking thing engraved too, doubtful I could return that!!!

Alas all is fine. A little research on the Apple site and I find I did, indeed, buy the right thing.

Whew.

That is all. Carry on with your day.

I paid $80 freaking dollars to get our cat “fostered” out… they foster them until they can find a home for them… yeah. She showed up back home last night. Skinny as hell and dirtier than dirt. WTF???
Of course the kids are begging to keep her. It’s fate, blah blah fucking blah.

They did not know that Hublet said to check if I can get her declawed… I called here in July/August and they said no cause she’s too old. So I was going to check out other vets.

Called vet here this morning just because. Yeah we do it. WTF??????? I could have done this month ago. Not impressed. $282 PLUS tax. Gulp. Ok. Made appointment for Tuesday.

THEN I decided to call around. Varied from $100 (the same vet who killed 4 out of 5 friend’s cats that they took in for spaying at the same time) to $405. WTF?? Am I rich?? Fuck no.

So I’m taking her tomorrow to a vet about an hour away to save $100. Gas is only costing me $30 so I’m still saving $70 AND kidlet1 is paying $100 of it. (It’s her stupid cat)

Called the lady running the fostering circus. She is awaiting call from “foster mom” as she did not know my cat was missing. FM did not inform her. FM better live on a farm far far away to explain why my cat is now anorexic and dirtier than a slut in mud…

Um yeah. That’s been my life. Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Few stocking stuffers left to get and I think I’m done… I hope so anyways. I bought wrapping paper today so I might even wrap some up this week!!! Then it’s time to convince Hublet to put up the tree…

OH! And I think he’s getting me the $600 set of pots I wanted that were on sale for $177… I hope, I hope!! They are so purty!!!!

Did y’all know we were on a mini vacation last week? No kids???? It was WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! I enjoyed every minute of it.

Does that make me a bad mommy???

Oh and Kidlet1 is still a thieving little brat. Found yet another smoke in her purse too… ugh. Someone shoot me now, please.

This morning I woke up sore. Very very sore. Went for a massage yesterday. Ugh. It was just like the first time. I drank a lot of water and had a hot bath with Epsom Salts and I’m still aching all over. Ugh.

Wednesday I spent all day in the city with a friend. Ugh. Left here around 8:30am. Got home around 10:30pm. Ugh. Other than the 3 hrs travel time the rest was spent walking around West Edmonton Mall and other various places. UGH. (Good thing I already had a massage scheduled for Thursday - which was a coincedence, not careful planning or anything quite so smart!)

This weekend is going to be a bitch too. UGH. We have a birthday party for a friend (a friend who was in a quadding accident awhile back and who is now paralyzed forever.) on Saturday. We don’t know anyone but him and his wife so that shall be interesting. Won’t be staying long. Must take a food item though. What should I take??? Something simple and CHEAP!!!! Then Sunday we are having Kidlet3’s birthday party. With her birthday a week before Christmas we usually have party in November so kids from school can come. So that’s this weekend too. AND to top things off a friend of ours wants us to go to Radium with him and his wife this weekend. NOW they are leaving Sunday - Wednesday cause we couldn’t go over the weekend…. I really want to go. I think we are going to go, just a matter of getting things to organized with the kidlets while we’re gone. It’s only 3 nights… but Hublet took next week off to use holidays and de-stress so it would be great to get away from it all. Oh and I must go see Twilight at some point this weekend as well.

Um yeah. Ugh times one million plus three about sums it up.

I’ve had so much to say but no time to do it when there isn’t someone around me…

Hmmm. Let’s play catch up.

Halloween was fine. I took the two younger kidlets out around town. Kidlet1 had to stay home and hand out candy, as she was grounded. Stupid Kid. The weekend prior she was to go for a sleepover at a new friend’s house. That went well. The kid’s mom brought her home 15 minutes later. Apparently they decided to help themselves to some rum. So we didn’t overreact. She’s a teenager, these things are bound to happen. She gave us that whole “we just wanted to try it” bullshit. All summer I was giving her coolers and such, so she’s tried it, plenty. Dumbass. She got grounded for 2 weeks. School & work only. Which means she missed the Halloween Dance at school, trick or treating, the whole nine yards. Bummer for her.

We went to parent teacher interviews for the older two kidlets. I have no idea who they are talking about when they talk about Kidlet1. Quiet in class, nice to others, a joy to have… um yeah. Ok. If you say so.

I have found a new nail lady to go to. No more driving to the old town anymore for nails… just hair! I got my nails done on November 1st, at the old one. Within two days they were lifting, falling apart…. GRRRR. Not impressed. So I went to a new lady on Wednesday. She is awesome!!!!!!!!! I even like her, as a person. She has a 14 year old and a 11 year old. And a 7 month old. Wow. She’s going to have another one so the baby isn’t lonely. Geez. Keep your legs together, lady! Very nice person though.

I have been looking for a job. Had an interview on Monday. Find out next week. I hate being the first one interviewed. Hate it.

I’m thinking I should have taken the other one, while looking, but oh well. Too late for regrets.

Hublet is all worried about his job with the issues with oil prices and all. He said to budget for a small Christmas. I hate not getting his bonus. It sucks. That always paid for Christmas. With 3 birthdays coming up too it sucks. Big time. I need a job. N.O.W. I do not want to go to Walmart. I really don’t. The discount would be nice, but dammit, I’m better than that. I should not have to resort to being a fucking cashier at a department store. Guess it’s better than the grocery store, huh??

Ugh. I’m discouraged. I’m fighting depression. Hublet isn’t home as much lately, the kidlets are crazy.
I’m not blogging on my other blog cause he reads that one and I can’t pretend everything is alright.

Oh. I went to see my BFF. I messaged her on FB last week. Opening the lines of communication again. I poured my heart out to her. So we’re BFF’s again. Go figure. I missed her in my life. She missed me. We went to see them on Tuesday while Kidlet1 was at work. It was a great day. We caught up on everything, we laughed, talked, we reconnected. I’m glad. I was really missing her.

Um yeah. So that’s about it. Going to make my Christmas shopping list now. Good thing I already got Hublet’s big ticket item, and Kidlet2 & Kidlet3’s. Only Kidlet1 to get and stocking stuffers.

I am in luff. He is so damn hot.