“Stressed-out moms should find their value as “children of Christ” rather than merely as wives and mothers, according to this empowering guide. Courtney (5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter) explains how scriptural verses are twisted to support a notion of “biblical womanhood” that sees motherhood as a woman’s sole destiny and pressures moms to meet an unrealistic standard of perfection while ignoring their personal and spiritual needs. Moms can release themselves from “false guilt” by “growing in [their] relationships with Christ and spend[ing] time with his Word,” according to Courtney. More broadly, she encourages moms to adopt a manageable ethos of being present for their kids when it counts (not every moment of the day); simplify life when possible, including by cutting down on the amount of “stuff” they buy; and prioritize self-care. Along the way, Courtney offers a worthwhile counterargument to a church culture that suggests God wants women “to sacrifice ourselves on the altar of marriage or motherhood” and places undue weight on moms while denying the value of women who can’t or don’t want to have kids. At the same time, she calls on churches and other institutions to support women in ways that let them live fuller, more faithful lives. In a culture where social media is dominated by tradwives and other idealized portraits of motherhood, this strikes a chord. (Sept.)”

Vicki’s latest release is available on Amazon.com.

So, back to this interesting perspective that has captured my attention. It is a teaching session by a teaching pastor, Suzy Silk at Church of the City/New York (posted below). As a disclaimer, I do not know this teacher personally, but she offers a compelling argument for a position which she labels “complementarity without hierarchy.” In this teaching session, she tests the hypothesis against the biblical text (in full context of scripture), and offers thoughtful biblical insight related to the oft-debated passages (1 Cor. 11; 1 Tim. 2; Eph. 5). Yes, the teaching session is long, but given that this issue has been debated for centuries and impacts half (or aguably, 60% of the church), an investment of an hour and twenty minutes seems reasonable. I also really appreciated that she recommends resources at the end that offer two contrasting interpretations, trusting the reader to do the hard work and come to their own conclusions (with the aid of the Holy Spirit, of course).

Let me pause here and say that I typically find labels like “complementarian/egalitarian” unhelpful, as they often ignore the range of nuances that fall in between on the scale, but I am going to make an exception with this post for the following reasons: 

1. This debate has become increasingly toxic, to the point of dividing churches and denominations and thus, distracting from the primary call to preach the gospel. Like many Christians, I’m exhausted over the in-fighting and particularly, the never-ending bullying, accusations, and hateful rhetoric coming from professing Christians and directed toward their own Christian brothers and sisters who dare to embrace an interpretation of scripture that does not line up with every jot and tittle of their own personal interpretation. (As a disclaimer, I am referring to secondary or tertiary issues, not issues of primary doctrine, which should be challenged when interpretations conflict with a clear reading of the scriptures.) When it comes to the issue of complementarianism, the attitude among hard complementarians has often been “one size fits all” (translation: you line up with x-y-z of stated position or you: are not committed to the sufficiency and supremacy of scripture/are not being biblical/must be an egalitarian/liberal/feminist/marxist/heretic/false teacher/woke/you fill-in-the-blank.) This brand of hyper-complementarianism has little tolerance for any other position on the complementation scale. Not to mention, translating the x-y-z formula into a universal practice in our churches and homes has proven to be a challenge. As a woman with the gift of teaching, trust me, I’ve witnessed it firsthand as it relates to women’s teaching roles within the church. Can a woman teach during a Mother’s Day service at the invitation of a pastor? Ditto, for any service? Can she teach in youth group settings where young men are present? Can she teach in coed college settings? Can she teach an adult coed Sunday school class alongside her husband, or without her husband? Can she speak up and ask questions in her adult Sunday school class? In a church service, can she read scripture from the stage; share her testimony; participate in a panel or Q&A where men are present; lead worship; step up on stage at all? Can she teach chapel at Christian schools/colleges? Is it acceptable for her to share her story/insights during a Sunday morning service if she sits on a stool and is interviewed by the pastor or a church elder (as opposed to standing behind the lectern and delivering the message)? Is it acceptable for a pastor to quote a female author, read her blog insights on Christian teachings, or read/quote/recommend her books? If she is in charge of children’s ministry/women’s ministry, can she be listed as “pastor” on the church website alongside the male “pastors” leading their respective ministries. And the list goes on. This is only a sampling of actual, real-life scenarios I’ve experienced either firsthand in my own personal ministry career or involving other female ministry leaders whose spiritual gifts fail to line up with the prescribed roles of caring for the babies in the nursery, teaching the children, leading the women, or staff support (though all are equally worthy gifts). The mental gymnastics employed to define women’s roles as it relates to complementarianism is absolutely exhausting. Most Christian leaders and pastors in the same conservative camp don’t even line up when it comes to translating complementarianism into a universal practice related to women’s roles, so good luck figuring out what the “rules” (x-y-z) are. And we’ve yet to touch on the challenge of defining complementarianism as a universal practice when it comes to women’s roles in the home! (Perhaps a follow-up post for another day.)
2. Given that my name was mentioned in recent news reports related to Beth Moore’s departure from the SBC, I feel I owe it to my audience to clarify my personal position related to the roles of women in the church and home. I do so knowing it will be a source of disappointment to some in my audience and it will be a source of relief to others. And most of you will simply not care one way or the other as long as the gospel is being preached. If you are among the disappointed, I understand. I have spent the last several years attempting to process my own feelings of disappointment over Christian friends and/or ministry leaders that didn’t line up with my own personal views related to politics, social justice issues, etc. In today’s culture, it is easier to simply “cancel” someone rather than objectively listen to their perspective and attempt to understand how they arrived at said perspective. Just as that has been my tendency at times, I pray we can truly begin to listen to one another and respect that not everyone will agree 100% with our positions or perspectives. And that’s OKAY!
3. My earlier writings/teachings reflected a more dogmatic position related to complementarianism (with a hierarchical foundation), which I now feel deep sorrow and regret over, especially given the tendency for it to be weaponized against women and silence them in regard to abuse of all types (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual). Though I NEVER counseled women to remain in abusive relationships, I am profoundly sorry if anything I may have taught related to women’s roles played a role in influencing anyone to endure a toxic or abusive relationship. Please forgive me. Similar to Beth Moore’s recent statement on Twitter related to complementarianism, the eruption of the #metoo and #churchtoo movements served as a bullhorn wake-up call in my life. While my journey to better understand the passages in the Bible related to women’s roles began in 2014, it was hearing the painful testimonies from girls and women that helped me connect the dots between toxic power structures that have in turn, subjected women (and children) to a higher risk for abuse. I am heartbroken I didn’t see it sooner, but trust me, I see it now.
4. I have heard from many Christian women over the past several years who feel numb/stuck/confused/sad/disillusioned/you fill-in-the-blank over the silence (or worse, defense) of blatant misogyny in the church that has contributed to the devaluation of women. I want you to know that I see you. You are not alone. The last several years have been some of the most difficult years of my spiritual life, but also the most rewarding. God has nudged me out of my cozy, Christian comfort zone (aka: the echo chamber) and in doing so, revealed my own counterfeit gods (security in an insulated tribe/fitting-in/privilege/willful ignorance/etc.) which have blinded me to the sufferings of others. I remain on that journey today and in a posture of humble repentance. If you’re looking for someone who has it all figured out, I’m not the gal to follow. But also know that I am no longer afraid to engage in hard conversations, especially when it involves topics that distract from the gospel I so love. In ministry, I have always described myself as a fellow sojourner, and that will continue to be my posture in the future.

There is much more to be said on the topic of women’s roles and particularly, factors that have played a part in my own personal shift, but I will save that conversation for another day. My goal today is to begin this necessary conversation for the sake of healing the division. (And yes, we can expect it to get messy before it gets better.) 

For now, I encourage you to listen to this teaching if this has been a topic that has caused you confusion in the past, affected your life or ministry calling personally, or just plain weighed heavy on your soul. It’s okay to wrestle with passages of scripture that are more gray and don’t offer clearcut black and white answers. In fact, that’s normal. Do the hard work. Dig deep in the scriptures. Give yourself permission to study other theological perspectives. Accept that it may not be possible to have 100% certainty this side of heaven when it comes to God’s intended meaning on some of these gray matters. Should you come to a different conclusion than mine, I totally respect that and commend you for doing the hard work! Finally, pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and give you wisdom and discernment.  Like one pastor said in regard to his own evolving position on women’s roles in a sermon entitled What Can Women Do, “If I’ve got to be wrong, I want to err on the side of grace.” Amen to that!

Finally, let me end with a quote attributed to Augustine (though his authorship has been disputed). It is fitting all the same: 

“In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity.”

(I am happy to engage with thoughtful questions/comments related to this topic, but ask that you listen first to the teaching in order to have a better understanding of what “complementarity without hierarchy,” actually is, since it best describes my own personal position. I do not claim to have all the answers, but I am happy to join you on this journey into a deeper biblical understanding of this topic. It would be an honor!)

Following the film, we’ll have a live discussion with trip participants Vicki Courtney, Jamie Ivey, and Welcome. Director Briana Stensrud. They’ll share experiences and stories that didn’t make it into the final film and answer your most frequently asked questions.

We invite you to this evening of learning, listening, and leaning into Christ-like welcome. Bring a friend and join us at the Alamo Drafthouse, South Lamar.

For more information or to register, click here.

A few years ago, God began to stir my heart in regard to what it looks like to be “pro-life.” Or, maybe I should say “holistically pro-life.” Prior to that stirring, my strong pro-life views could be neatly summed up as advocating for the unborn as well as ministering to a legion of hurting women burdened with shame over a past abortion. (My ministry actually began in 1995 when I agreed to teach a breakout for a large women’s conference ministry. The breakout was entitled “Experiencing Forgiveness After Abortion.”) Having once advocated for “choice,” I have been unapologetically pro-life since becoming a Christian in 1985 and discovering shortly thereafter that God “created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13) It would take nearly a decade more for me to forgive myself and believe God had truly forgiven me. In the years that have since passed, I have shared my story of a past abortion (at the age of 17) at times in my writing and speaking ministry in order that other women who have had abortions (approximately 1 in 3 women in the U.S.) could walk in true freedom. When it comes to seeing a decline in the abortion rate, I sincerely believe one of the greatest change-agents will be the powerful and brave testimonies of women who can attest firsthand that abortion is anything but “a quick-fix” to an inconvenient problem. Women need to know the truth about abortion and if telling my story can help set one woman free from a burden of shame or cause one woman to reconsider terminating a pregnancy, it will be worth it.

Fast forward to today and the recent God-stirring over what it means to be “pro-life.” I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to rehash each and every variable that led to a seismic shift in my heart regarding what it means to be truly pro-life. However, a starting point was when I began to wrestle with the irony that protecting life within the womb was a deal-breaker for many Christians, but protecting existing lives outside the womb was not a priority of equal importance. And please know that I’ve been this Christian, so I’m stepping on my own toes, here. I guess you could say that God began to open my eyes to other vulnerable populations in need of advocacy and protection. Maybe it was the heart-breaking images of refugee children washed up on shore lines, some cradled in the arms of a desperate parent who simply wanted a chance at a new life. Or the reports of immigrant children being separated from their families at the border and held in prison-like cages. In the wake or the realization, I was left with some big questions, the most important being the question of our responsibility as Christians to extend compassion (and assistance) to those seeking asylum from dangerous, life-threatening situations.

My heart was further grieved that Christians were becoming more known for their unloving rhetoric and opposition than their loving compassion and assistance. Rather than stand on the sidelines and complain or wring my hands in despair, I decided to become a small part of the solution. I registered for a training to be a volunteer with Refugee Services of Texas at the beginning of this year. My work with refugees over the past nine months has been a life-changing experience. God has used it to remind me that every person has a story and every life matters. As God has challenged me to think outside the boundaries of my previously compartmentalized pro-life views, He continues to stir my heart with the plight of refugees and immigrants, most of which are fleeing horrendous situations related to extreme poverty, war, or religious persecution. My refugee friends have inspired me to love God more deeply and serve Him more boldly. They have taught me so much in regard to simplicity, gratitude, joy, perseverance, and courage.

Today, I can’t imagine my life without my refugee friends. I’ve grown particularly close to a family of four from Burma who came to the US in February of this past year. I am currently teaching the mother English and it is so rewarding to see her progress. One day, she surprised me with the most delicious rice dish and Burmese tea as a thank-you! Sometimes, I take one or more of my grandchildren with me and one of my greatest joys is watching them play with her children. I’ve shared in a past post that my four year-old grandson, Micah and her four year-old daughter, Lylydah chatter back and forth, each in their own language and I am convinced that they understand each other perfectly! Hearing their laughter and watching them love without hesitation or any shred of prejudice, gives me so much hope for the future.

Recently, as an extension of my work with refugees, I was invited by a group called Welcome. to be a part of a border trip to El Paso (situated along the border of Texas and Mexico). It was an honor to be among other Christian women who much like me, are in the process of expanding their pro-life views. I believe in secure borders and a legal pathway to citizenship and while there are no easy answers, I believe the current system is severely broken and in need of repair. Scripture is clear that we have a biblical mandate not to “oppress the foreigner” (Exodus 23:9); to “love the stranger/sojourner/foreigner” (Deut. 10:19); and to “treat them as native-born” (Lev. 19:34). Jesus went so far as to equate our treatment of strangers as a true mark of discipleship (Matt. 25:35). I don’t know exactly what God is calling me to do in the aftermath of what I’ve seen and heard, but this much I do know: When I was willing to open my eyes to see, and open my ears to hear, it wasn’t hard to open my heart and respond in compassion and Christ-like love. In fact, it came quite naturally.

I won’t forget the stories I heard from a Pastor Maribel Velazquez whose small church, El Elyon, took in about 70 migrants each day for several months straight when the surge of migrants showed up at the El Paso, Texas and Juarez Mexico border. She said she did not hesitate to convert their small sanctuary into a shelter filled with cots donated by the Salvation Army to accommodate the influx of migrants seeking asylum. They would be dropped off by ICE day after day and she and a small group of volunteers did their best to feed and shelter them, while helping each one connect with a family member already here in the states. They had to do so quickly before the next group arrived and they began the process all over.

Pastor Maribel gave me a tour of her church and showed me a corner of the foyer in her church that just prior to taking in the migrant families, had recently been remodeled into a coffee bar for church attenders. “I was so proud of my new coffee bar, but how could I say ‘no’ when I heard about the migrants sleeping under the border bridge due to a lack of space after they were processed?” It would have been so much easier for Pastor Maribel to have closed her eyes and carried on, business as usual, serving her small congregation and welcoming them on Sunday mornings with a trendy coffee bar in the foyer. Seeing those green cots stacked up ceiling-high in the corner of her coffee station reminded me of the real mission of the church. Would my church have said “no” to “loving the stranger?” Would yours? I hope not, but I have to wonder.

Her work with the migrants gave her insight regarding the circumstances that might cause a person (or a family) to flee the only home they have ever known and risk their lives on a perilous journey that offers no guarantees in return. She shared a story about a father fleeing with his young daughter who gang members had threatened to rape the following day if he didn’t pay them the sum of money they requested. It had happened to other families, so he knew they would follow through with their threats if he didn’t pay up. He fled that day to protect his daughter. I would sure hope my husband would do the same.

Pastor Maribel shared another story of a woman who was sobbing inconsolably on a cot in a corner of her church. She attempted to comfort her and offered to pray with her. The woman eventually opened up and shared her story, choking back her tears. Her husband was already here in the U.S. and had worked and finally saved enough money to pay a “coyote” to bring her and their baby over (they too, were facing dangerous gang activity in their country). As part of the journey, she was ushered onto a speed boat where they were packed in like sardines to cross to the next point. The coyote warned that they would be going very fast and to hang on tight because anything that went over, they wouldn’t be able to turn around and retrieve. They hit a large wave and with so many people knocking into the woman, her baby was knocked out of her arms and went overboard. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I thought about this mother, who likely, considered jumping overboard in that moment to a sure and certain death. While most of us will never have to recover from a trauma of that magnitude, let’s not forget the original trauma that led her to embark on the dangerous journey in the first place. No one in their right mind leaves the only home they’ve ever known and risks a perilous journey to reach the border of our country, unless staying in their country becomes the greater risk. Many of us have believed a false narrative about refugees and immigrants and only by daring to open our eyes and our ears will we truly understand the situation.

On the second day of the trip, we visited a portion of the border wall that separated Mexico and New Mexico. It was a surreal sight to see two women on the other side rummaging through a trash pile. Curious as to why we were there, they approached the fence and we engaged in a conversation. They shared that they were mothers, one with three children and the other with seven children and prior to the fence being built, used to cross over freely to get groceries and return back home. They expressed fears of not being able to feed their children or protect them from harm. And they thanked us for caring enough to ask about their story. Before we left, we asked if we could pray for them and they readily accepted our offer. As we reached through the metal beams of the border fence and clasped their hands and collectively bowed our heads in prayer, that ominous fence disappeared in those few moments. And it occurred to me that it could have just as easily been me on the other side of that border fence rummaging through a trash heap for scraps to feed my family and living in the ramshackle housing in the backdrop. All but for the grace of God, go each and every one of us.

Briana Strensrud, one of the organizers of the El Paso trip and the Director of Welcome. said something on our trip that I’ve been mulling over. In fact, it inspired this post.

“You cannot scripturally justify prioritizing one vulnerable population over another.”

Advocating for the unborn and “loving the stranger” are not mutually exclusive. They exist under the same “pro-life” umbrella because every person is made in the image of God and deserves to be treated as such. Not every person is called to help refugees and immigrants. Many of you are caring for other vulnerable populations by helping the poor, taking in foster children, assisting veterans, caring for the elderly, helping the homeless, and sponsoring children in other countries. There is no shortage of opportunities to be “pro-life” and advocate for the marginalized. One life is not more valuable than another and if we are to be truly “pro-life,” we must be “pro-every-life,” from the womb to the tomb. We cannot save every vulnerable person in the world, but we can open our eyes to see, our ears to hear, and respond with love and compassion. Just as Jesus did.

At the end of the day, I would rather err on the side of loving too much, than not enough.

How has God been stirring your heart lately?

Several years ago, God convicted my heart that I was living in an echo chamber. If you look up “echo chamber” in the dictionary, you’ll find this definition: “an environment in which the same opinions are repeatedly voiced and promoted, so that people are not exposed to opposing views.” Yep, that was me. I hung out with like-minded people who held like-minded views and shared a like-minded, cookie-cutter faith. Maybe, you can relate.

In an effort to break out of the cycle, I prayed a simple prayer and asked God to spark revival in my heart for the things that matter most to Him. Crazy thing, but in answering that prayer, He didn’t call me to write more Christian books or say yes to more speaking engagements. In fact, He called me to do less, in order that I might have the margin and stillness needed to listen more, see more, and eventually, give more from a tank that is full, rather than half-empty. As painful as this transition has been for me (change is always hard, no?),  I thank God for the hard truths He has taught me over the last several years.

The hardest step for me was stepping outside of my cozy, Christian comfort zone (aka: echo chamber). This past January, I finally took the leap. A godly friend recommended that I get involved with a government funded organization in Austin that assists with refugees. I participated in a training and began volunteering in February. My first assignment was meeting a family of four at the airport that was arriving from Burma. They have two daughters who at the time, were ages three and eight months. They wore expressions of both fear and exhaustion when I met them at baggage claim with an interpreter. I can’t imagine anything braver than leaving everything that is familiar to you — your family, the only home you’ve ever known and completely starting all over in a brand new place with no money, no ability to speak the language, and nothing more than a hint of hope for a better life.

Over the last several months,  I have shuttled this sweet family to medical appointments, the social security office, job interviews, and even the hospital when one of their girls was running a high fever. But it hasn’t been all business. I’ve taken my four year-old grandson with me at times and he and their four year-old immediately hit it off, even though they don’t understand a single word the other one is saying! We have gone to the park, an indoor playscape to celebrate Dad getting a new job, and thrown a birthday party for their four year-old in their apartment. For most of our appointments and get togethers, there are no translators present, so I rely on an app on my phone that is hit or miss to communicate at a very basic level. To say this experience has stretched me far beyond my capabilities (and comfort level!) is an understatement. And this is all a very good thing. They’ve even taught me to say “hello” in Burmese (sounds like “mingala-bah.”). I know I’m butchering it with my Texas accent because they bust out laughing every time I say it!

Recently this week, I watched their little girls at the refugee services office while Mom was in an appointment just down the hall. In the four months I’ve known this family, Mom has always taken the baby with her. She’s accustomed to wearing her baby, which I’m sure is standard in her culture. In fact, they have no baby gadgets in their apartment for the baby. There is no high chair, bouncer seat, walker, or any other familiar hands-free helpers commonly used to assist parents. And I’m fairly certain she would reject them if they were offered. In addition to taking up much-needed space in a one bedroom apartment, she would prefer to wear her baby or allow her to roam free under a watchful eye. Watching her mother her children has taught me so much about simplicity. (Trust me, she makes Marie Kondo look like a rookie!)

That said, imagine my surprise when she handed me her baby on this recent appointment, so she could concentrate on herself for 1 1/2 hours, sans children. I wanted to high-five her, but I’m not sure she’s ready for that just yet! A couple of months ago, I told her and her husband (through a Burmese translator) when we were at the hospital with their daughter who was running a high fever, that I would be honored to be their girls’ “American grandmother.” They responded with head nods and cordial smiles, but when mom handed me her littlest one this past week, I felt like she was officially taking me up on my offer. She glanced back once as she nervously walked away and I thought for a minute, she might come back and get her. It was clearly hard for her to let go.

The baby cried for about 15 minutes as I attempted to rock and sway her like I do my own grandbabies. Her four-year-old sister even retrieved a bottle from the diaper bag to help me out. In doing so, I spotted mom’s baby sling in the bag. I strapped it on, tucked her in just like I’d seen her mom do, and began softly singing Jesus Loves Me. Within seconds she was fast asleep. As sweet as the scene is in this picture, it doesn’t begin to compare to Mom’s reaction when she came out of her appointment and saw “American grandmother” wearing her baby! In that moment, the language barrier was bridged and her smile communicated more than any string of words could ever express.

On my way home from the appointment, I thought about the insulated echo-chamber that had once been my norm and in turn, had left me ignorant to the needs of the marginalized. I thought about my old life and the frenzied pace that left little margin for serving others, much less noticing them. I thought about how I used to think sharing the gospel simply meant telling others about the gospel, when in truth, we are also called to show others the gospel in action. And I thought about how I might have missed this moment if I hadn’t prayed that simple prayer and asked God to spark revival in my heart for the things that matter most to Him. My only regret is that I didn’t leave the echo chamber sooner.

I have no agenda of what I want to talk about in the months to come, but I’m excited to reconnect with you! As an empty nester, I’ve gained a whole new perspective when it comes to what really matters in life. In fact, I have a running list of “conversations I would go back and have with my younger self.” Suffice it to say, the theme of most of those conversations is “LIGHTEN UP, SISTER!” Lighten up on the expectations, the pressures, the busyness, and the obsession over trivial matters that won’t matter one iota five years from now. This is especially true when it comes to parenting my children, now that I’m on the other side of it and can speak firsthand to the things that mattered and those that did not. I suppose that is one of the perks of being an empty-nester. You are able to look back in the rearview mirror and see things a bit more clearly. You may need a pair of readers to do so — that is, if you can find them! 

All that to say, I look forward to reconnecting with many of you and meeting some new friends, as well. Thanks so much for stopping by!