Victor Gischler's Blogpocalypse

So you have a Time Machine ...

2012-01-27T07:34:00.001-08:00

Let's face it. I'm not very helpful. So going back in time to right wrongs is a no go. I mean, if we learned anything from the JFK episode of Red Dwarf is that good intentions to often go awry. So if I had my own time machine I would do totally selfish stuff. This stuff:

1. Hit on Bettie Page. I think I'd have a shot.

2. Buy Google and Apple stock. A shitload of it.

3. Smoke a lot in bars and restaurants like in Mad Men. (Cigars)

4. Steal the characters and plost for Harry Potter.

5. Stand in the background of famous photographs and freak out my friends.

6. Send letters to modern people from 1905.

7. Stand at the airport as the Hindenburg approaches, nudge the guy next to me, and say "Watch what I can do with my mind powers."

8. Discover Easter Island.

9. Scare the shit out of myself in the shower.

10. Taser knights in the middle ages, claim to be a wizard.

You?

THIS!

2012-01-23T06:31:00.001-08:00

Thanks, Folks. "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" still FREE on kindle.

2012-01-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, I've been pimpimg a free story on kindle called "Harry Truman vs The Aliens." It's a pulpy sci-fi yarn written by my alter ego Emerson LaSalle. You can find outr more about the legendery LaSalle HERE.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I'm not looking to make one red cent on this short story. If it were up toi me, it would always be free, instead of free for just the next few days. Rather, my goal is to jazz up some interest for the forthcoming LaSalle novel There Are Aliens Behind Uranus, Mr. President. The events of "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" lead directly into the novel, and really the short story sort of acts as a prologue. So I want to get this free story onto as many kindles as possible (including kindle apps for iPads and smart phones) to help pave the way for the novel, and I'm hoping you'll help spread the word. Tell folks, talk it up, tweet it, whatever. If you frequent science fiction or pulp fiction or kindle message boards, let them know about the freebie

Thanks!

Ten ways we can take our country back.

2012-01-18T16:13:00.000-08:00

This is not a political post. Anything about either party, left or right, whatever, will be summarily ignored. The fact is both parties have used the phrase "take our country back." Many of the citizens of this great nation are in no way qualified to determine which pinhead will lead us if they can't even master the following:

1. Turn signals. This is not optional. The fact you are coming into my lane is not supposed to be the surprise that adds adventure to my day. Put down your iPhone and signal.

2. Put the fucking shopping cart in the fucking cart corral. It's ten feet away. Just do it. Don't leave that cart in the middle of a parking space or I will murder you.

3. Your loud crying kid is ruining my meal.

4. Simmer the hell down about crying kids. It's life. Chill.

5. No more real housewives of anywhere please.

6. Saying something at a tedious department meeting just so you can hear yourself talk ruins everyone's day. Shut up.

7. When you park your car at a convenience store and leave your car running with the windows down and your car stereo thumping at full blast while you run in to get a pack of Lucky Strikes, we don't all enjoy it as much as you think we do. Next time I see that, I'm going to jump behind the wheel of that fucking car and drive away and drive that motherfucker into a tree.

8. Don't curse so much.

9. Fuck you.

10. Really, how about just some basic courtesy? Is that so hard.

Don't talk to me about saving civilization unless you're helping to make this a civilization worth saving.

FREE short stoy on Kindle

2012-01-18T04:36:00.000-08:00

For the next few days you can get pulp legend Emerson LaSalle's short story "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" for *FREE* on Kindle. It's a fun pulp romp but also acts as the prologue for the forthcoming novel THERE ARE ALIENS BEHIND URANUS, MR. PRESIDENT.

Emerson LaSalle is partially inspired by Kurt Vonnegut's creation Kilgore Trout and lets me write stories that are simultaneously a parody of and tribute to those pulpy sci-fi paperback novels of the 50s and 60s. Get some for free!

My Alter-Ego: Emerson LaSalle

2012-01-17T09:00:00.001-08:00

Folks, there is an Emerson LaSalle short story called "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" available right here.

Please don't buy it.

Uh ... what?

That's right. I'm asking you NOT to buy it. That's because starting tomorrow the short story will be free for five days. If you are among the handful of people that actually shelled out .99 cents for it, you have my sincere thanks, but if it were up to me, the short story would always be free because it was written specifically to get you interested in what is to come later.

Some time ago, a lot of us had some fun on the inter-web-net writing fake reviews and scholarly articles on the works of pulp legend Emerson LaSalle. Some clever wags even had a wikipedia entry up for him. I always wanted to write crazy pulp sci-fi dime novels novels like those pictured in this post (just to set the mood), but I wanted the author to be an equally outrageous work of fiction himself. Thus LaSalle was born.

"Harry Truman vs The Aliens" stands pretty well all on its own as a short story, but really it's the prologue for the forthcoming LaSalle classic THERE ARE ALIENS BEHIND URANUS, MR. PRESIDENT. More "classic" LaSalle "reprints" will follow.

If you're a blogger or run a Science Fiction website and would like to interview me about this new project, then great. If you'd like to spread the workd on Twitter or Facebook, also awesome. If you'd like to "reprint" an old LaSalle interview from 1956, that can be arranged. Have fun pretending. Check www.emersonlasalle.com for more info.

But what I'd REALLY like is to give away a bunch of these freebies. Nothing would make me happier than to hear "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" was downloaded 10,000 times.

Thanks in advance for your help spreading the word.

More as doings unfold ...

DON'T BE CRUEL by Mike Argento

2012-01-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

This isn't a review site. But once in a while if I like something, I mention it. That's the case here. Mike Argento's Don't Be Cruel is funny and entertaining. It very well could have flown under the radar if I wasn't sent a copy. So now you know it exists. I'd put it vaguely in the Carl Hiaasan school of crime writing. Fast and fun. CHeck it out.

My son made his own Pokemon card

2012-01-15T15:45:00.001-08:00

HULK vs DRACULA

2012-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's never too soon to pre-order: CLICK

Say hello to my new Italian publisher

2012-01-13T12:23:00.000-08:00

Revolver!

"Hey wordsmiths, remember, always write what you know." Oh, yeah? What if you're a boring dumbass?

2012-01-12T04:47:00.000-08:00

Just as with "less is more" the old chestnut "write what you know" is not in and of itself bad advice. But when we reduce these old adages to bumper sticker slogans without thinking about them, we often end up needlessly limiting ourselves as writers. In a world where lawyers and reporters and ex-military guys are writing thrillers in which the protagonists are lawyers and reporters and ex-military guys, new writers often maybe feel it is their destiny to mine their own lives for the bits and pieces they will cobble together for a work of fiction. Good. You should. It's a rich mine. But it's also a dark hole, and you don't want to get stuck down there.

Don't misunderstand. If you have experience in a combat zone in Afghanistan, then you probably have some great material at your fingertips. Hi-powered litigators probably have some cool stories to tell. But if Gischler were to "write what he knows" you would soon be the victim of a novel about a comic book writer sitting in front of his computer all day who may or may not be in his boxer shorts, sipping his 4th cup of coffee who then watches his wife play Sykrim on the X-Box in the evening after his 8 year old son goes to bed. This novel would be described as the exact opposite of riveting.

Writers too often reduce this advice to simplistic thinking along the lines of "I've never been to Mongolia, so I can't set my novel there." Bullshit. Anthony Neil's Smiths great novel ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS is partially set in Somalia. He's never set foot in the place, but it reads as authentic as anything.

And Smith's novel is also partially set in Minnesota where he lives and works. That's because Smith knows "write what you know" is a tool ... not a fallback position. He used what he knows for part of the setting of his novel but didn't let himself be limited. Writers cannot allow themselves to be trapped in their own back yards.

Part of the way to tackle the problem is simply to KNOW MORE. It should be part of every writer's mission statement to fling themselves out into the world and soak up as much of it as possible. Trust me, these experiences will find a way sooner or later back into your fiction.

And lastly, "write what you know" comes down to attitude. In a student's work, I can often tell when they are faking it. Hear this: IT IS OKAY TO FAKE IT ... AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT. And when you start faking it in a half-hearted way, if you haven't done your research, if your tentative and apologetic, it will show. Every time. But your best bet is not having to fake it. Tap into yourself. If you know what it's like to feel joy or loss or terror, then grab those feelings with both hands and drag them to your characters. Knowing YOURSELF is the best way to "write what you know."

If you've been telling yourself "write what you know" keep in mind it's NOT bad advice. Not really. But it's not necessarily bad to write what you DON'T know either. "Write what you know" should never be an excuse to cop out of exploring, innovating and discovering.

I mean, how hard is a Google search? It's a start. Educate yourself. Put one big toe outside that comfort zone.

Good luck.

"Remember, writers, less is more." Really? Kiss My Ass.

2012-01-07T08:19:00.001-08:00

Less is more. We hear that all the time in a bewildering variety of contexts. Writers especially hear it from editors and and creative writing professors. It's even true a good bit of the time. Certainly if you can say something in a sentence it's often better than rambling for a page.

But often when we hear "less is more" what we're really being asked is to tone it down. Don't be so over the top. I mean, we want to be realistic, right? We want our readers to believe what's happening with out characters, setting, blah blah blah. As an example I'll often hear gun experts chastise crime writers. "A shot from a pistol wouldn't really send a body flying across the room like that." *Sigh.* Fine. For you. For me, I want that bastard to fly across the room, blood splattering like an erupting volcano. I want vivid, crazy, garish over-the-top action. Save "realistic" for an Encyclopedia entry. Ever see KILL BILL? Did that shit seem realistic to you? Me neither. But I loved it. So did lots of other people. Not you? That's cool. But the rest of us will continue to plow head on in to non-reality thank you very much.

They key is for a writer to understand the world he's created. It would simply not work for a KILL BILL action scene to suddenly erupt in the middle of a Dennis Lehane or Laura Lippman novel. The simple fact is that Quentin Tarantino knows what he's doing, and so do Lehane and Lippman. But when those in love with "less is more" casually spread around this advice like garden fertilizer, they often fail to differentiate. The simple fact is this: sometimes MORE is more.

A few years ago, I was listening to a public radio story on Cab Calloway. Yeah, the "Minnie the Moocher" guy, and the person reporting the story talked about how MORE was more, how Cab could really energize a room, getting the audience to sing along. The guy would rock the place. More was more. I forget which radio station. I forget the guy's name who wrote the piece. But I will never forget this phrase: "A willful disregard for nuance."

Wow. That stuck with me. That was ME! I had "a willful disregard for nuance." Tons of it. (Emerson LaSalle has even more.)

Yes, of course, subtlety is an important tool in any writer's toolbox. No, going big and loud in every situation is not always the answer. But I am sick and tired of "Less is more" being pronounced in reverent tones like it's gospel.

Here's your new mantra: "A willful disregard for nuance."

THREE ON A LIGHT: Behind the Music

2012-01-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

What is a "collection of linked stories"? Good question. My answer: a collection of stories that go together to tell a larger story. That's THREE ON A LIGHT, a collection of stories that relate the life and times of Private Detective Dean Murphy who takes cases involving werewolves, witches, vampires and other things that go bump in the night -- all as the result of a cursed Zippo lighter. You can read more about the story "Dolls" here.

It's also the story of a grad student who thought he was pretty clever ... meaning I wrote the bulk of these stories as a grad student in creative writing years ago while attending the University of West Florida. I wanted to take the tropes of different genres and mash them up for a pulpy mix of fun. Has this been done before? Yes. By more talented writers than Gischler? Almost certainly. But at the time, I was pretty excited about my "experiment." Ha. Well, live and learn. What I think I got most out of writing the stories in Three on a Light is that it exercised particular muscles I would later use to better effect in my novel Vampire A Go-Go in which there are ... werewolves, witches and vampires -- Oh, My!

So Three on a Light definitely falls into the "early rough work of a fledgling author" category. But that's not to say I think it's bad. No, indeed I do feel there is some decent entertainment value there ... certainly enough to give it away for free which is what I'm doing for a limited time.

That's right. FREE. If you have a kindle.

So click right here and help yourself. Call it a late Christmas present.

Emerson LaSalle coming to explode your brain

2012-01-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I'm a huge fan of Emerson LaSalle, the obscure pulp writer of over 400 novels who became something of a mentor to me until he was mauled by a bear outside his Calamity, Idaho home in 2007. He is responsible for amazing novels like Vixen Shamus, Sheriff Dracula, Time Meddlers, Spaceport Floozy, Sky Hussy and others. I was gratitfied to learn than the sparks of a new LaSalle renaissance had begun, and Big Fake Press was set to begin reprinting his works -- beginning with There Are Aliens Behind Uranus, Mr. President coming later this year.

The short story "Harry Truman vs. The Aliens" acts as a sort of prologue for There Are Aliens Behind Uranus, Mr. President, and you can get the story on kindle for FREE right here if you're an Amazon Prime member. Grab it. Serves as a great primer and intro to LaSalle's work.

For more information on Emerson LaSalle, check out HIS WEBSITE.

RESOLVED

2011-12-31T06:39:00.001-08:00

Much like my last blog post, this one also seems somewhat obligatory at this time of year. Yeah, the old resolutions for 2012. For one thing, I need to get serious again about what I eat and how much exercise I can tolerate. I lost 25 pounds in 2011, but put some of it back on at the end ... especially during the holidays. So, sure, one of my resolutions will be to find my discipline again.

But I wanted to come up with some writer-centric resolutions for this post. It wasn't so easy. As a guy who writes for a living, I feel I have my face smashed to the grindstone pretty good most of the time. I generally make deadlines and do my job. Still, there are some trouble spots that could use some work. Here we go.

1. Have more patience. I am NOT by nature a patient person. I feel like I am constantly tapping my foot and waiting for somebody else to get off the dime. I must force myself to realize I am but a single writer and not at the center of my editor/agent/producer's universe.

2. Don't have TOO much patience. Waiting to be sanctioned or waiting for permission isn't a good use of time. I'm going to use that time to GO. Work on SOMETHING rather than sit by the phone or constantly check email to see if my pitch/manuscript/idea was green lit or flushed down the toilet. Writing is a very make-it-happen-yourself business.

3. Finish things. I have eclectic interests. Eclectic is code for scatterbrained. I love science fiction, crime, fantasy. I write comic books, novels and screenplays. The result is I have a bunch of projects started and all in different formats and genres. Time to get organized and see these projects through to the end. I will sit down and prioritize which projects get attention first and for how long, etc. If I have a deadline, then I'm good about meeting it. But the projects I'm working on for myself always seem to sit there half-finished. No more.

4. Clean up/out my office. Declare "this is my writing space" and get to work.

5. Make contact with good artists, inkers, letterers, colorists, etc. Writing for Marvel means I've been privileged to work with some outstanding artists. But as I stumble and bumble my way toward some creator-owned projects, I need to do the legwork of meeting many of these types of professionals myself.

6. Drink more coffee. Is this even possible? We'll see.

7. Find that sweet spot between indulging myself and writing what a large audience might want to read. I always write better and faster when I'm working on something that interests me. I never think of audience. I tried to write a "big commercial thriller" once and it was a huge flop of a smelly turd. Got a hundred pages in and had to abort that puppy before I hurt myself and others. So I write for myself. But that doesn't mean I don't want other readers to like it too. So where is the balance? I hope to find out.

8. Write EVERY day. Sometimes, after I meet a big deadline, I think, "Okay, Dude, you deserve a few days off." As Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven, "deserve's got nothing to do with it." Even if it's just a paragraph, I will do my damnedest to write every day.

Okay, that's it for now. Not brilliant, earth-shattering stuff. Just some common sense things I hope will help.

What about you? Any resolutions that could help a fellow scribe?

So long 2011 ... What you lookin at, 2012?

2011-12-28T06:57:00.001-08:00

So why should I be any different? I mean, it's that time of year, right? Looking back .... looking ahead. What else is a blog for?

In a way, 2011 felt like loading a bunch of bullets into a gun, bullets meant to be shot in 2012. On the film front, a lot of progress was made toward the film versions of this novel and also this novel. I even wrote the screenplay adaptation of this novel myself. But it will be in 2012 that we see if any of these efforts go anywhere. Fingers crossed. Toes crossed. Eyes crossed.

2011 also saw new life for THE DEPUTY a novel I always felt maybe fell between the cracks a bit when it was making the jump from one publisher (Bleak House) to another (Tyrus), but thanks to a cool promotional giveaway by the publisher, the novel found a ton of new readers.

In 2011, I took two trips to Italy. Hello, Italian readers! I love you. Coming to see you again in 2012.

On the funny book front, I continued to write X-MEN for Marvel Comics. An honor and a privilege. 2012 will (I hope) bring some new funny book surprises. There is a strong possibility I'll be adding the words "creator owned" to my resume.

Some years seem to drag by, endlessly pummeling us with misery. I've had those years. But now that I look up and rub my eyes and look at the wake I've left plowing through 2011, I sort of wonder where the year went. I got a lot done ... and yet ... and the same time I have an acute feeling of so many things left undone. Come January 2, I'll be hitting the gas pedal hard to make things happen.

Stay tuned.

Tobacco-Stained Mountain Goat

2011-12-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

Hey, folks. People have been giving me books lately. Lots of them. For blurbs or just to check out or often for no reason I can understand at all. I'm not complaining, but it has been hard to get to them all, and I'm swamped as hell.

So when when Tobacco-Stained Mountain Goat by Andrez Bergen was brought to my attention I lamented the fact that I just don't have time to read it ... but I probably will when I can clear some time as it seems like my cup of java.

I'm not familiar with Another Sky Press, but both the press and the novel seem well worth investigating. Apparently, the press gives the books away for free or at cost depending on the format, and you can send a contribution to the author if you dig the stuff.

Anyone know anything about these guys? In the meantime, give this book a try and report back. If you've read it, let me know what you think.

THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA RE-WATCH

2011-12-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

I never watched Battlestar Galactica on TV for the simple reason I knew I'd want to see it but I also knew I'd miss episodes and I hate having to catch up. So I ignored the entire run of Galactica ... until it came out on DVD.

I then power-watched the whole thing in like a week. Frazzled my brain.

Now ... a couple years later ... I'm watching it again. And enjoying it again. There are certain shows that I find very re-watchable, and I'm finding Battlestar Galactica to be one of those shows. (Although I've been warned that the last few episodes of the final season are not worth re-watching. We'll see.) I also have Band of Brothers on DVD and re-watch that from time to time as well as The Venture Brothers. I'm also partial to the Family Guy Star Wars parodies. I think I might also grab Archer on DVD.

A good run of a re-watchable show is an important commodity. Something to put on in the background while working or to provide entertainment when I'm just flat out too lazy to delve into something new.

So let's hear it. What shows do you find re-watchable?

It's December. Don't wait until the last minute for your last-minute shopping!

2011-12-01T06:16:00.001-08:00

Okay. It's the season of giving, and I want your money.

Wait. That didn't come out right. What I mean to say is, hey, why not give the gift of Gischler this year? It's easy and fun and just a few clicks away. Some examples:

G0-Go Girls of the Apocalypse is the first of my novels ever to be turned into an audio-book, so for the loved one in your life too lazy to turn pages click here.

But maybe that's a little expensive. Hey, you can still get THE DEPUTY on kindle for FREE if you're an Amazon Prime member. Non-members only pay 6.99 and the "give as a gift" button makes it an easy choice for last minute gift-giving.

Or you can really go low budget with my very early work THREE ON A LIGHT. Mmmmm, smell the cheapness.

So why not inflict some Gischler on folks this season. They "deserve" it.

Thank you for reading THE DEPUTY

2011-11-21T05:06:00.000-08:00

I want to sincerely thank all the new readers who have given THE DEPUTY a try. After last week's big publicity push, a ton of you downloaded THE DEPUTY on kindle to give it a read, and the results have been great. You're awesome. If you enjoyed the book and would like to be sprayed with hot buttery karma, then send a hundred friends right here to get a copy of the novel so they can try it for themselves. Thanks again!

Help an author ... and it won't cost you a dime.

2011-11-16T05:29:00.000-08:00

Folks, I've been pushing my novel THE DEPUTY the last few days. A lot. Why? Because it is FREE on Kindle and Nook right now. You're probably wondering how that helps The Gischler. Steady on. I'll explain.

But first let me express sincere gratitude to those of you who actually paid money for this thing. When the novel first came out, you reached into your own pocket and paid the going rate for a paperback or hardcover or eBook. You rock. I luvs you and that's for reals. But THE DEPUTY is not a shiny new book anymore, and the recent FREE sales promotion is a chance to breathe new live into the novel and get it out to more readers.

I've talked to my publisher Tyrus/F+W Crime who explained that giving the novel away for free really is a good strategy in the long run. It helps build interest and momentum. So by getting a copy for free, you are helping me. Give it as a gift. Use the Kindle app on your Droid or iPhone. Spread the word. Hey, it's free. No risk to give it a try or to harass ten friends to give it a try.

Get it anyplace they provide eBooks on any format, but mostly on the Nook or on the Kindle.

Thanks.

And if you have a free or cheap eBook you want to promote, then leave a link in the comments and tell us about it. I don't mind sharing my stump.

The Triumphant Return of EMERSON LaSALLE!

2011-11-14T05:39:00.001-08:00

Folks, it's been a long time coming, but at last Emerson LaSalle is back! Pulp legend LaSalle is the author of over 400 novels and 1200 short stories and continued to write up to his death in 2007 when he was fatally mauled by a bear outside his cabin in Calamity, Idaho. LaSalle is famous for saying "technology is ruining science fiction" and embraced the often derided term "sci-fi."

Now, you can introduce yourself to his work with this .99 cent short story "Harry Truman vs The Aliens" available on kindle. Go. Buy. Hurry.

I implore you to give this legend a try. Ignore these reviews, LaSalle has recieved for his work over the years:

"Just ... no." New York Times.

"Wh0?" Locus.

"I feel dirty and betrayed." St. Louis Post Dispatch.

"It is everything that is wrong with Science Fiction." Washington Post.

"On a personal level, I'd like to punch Emerson [LaSalle] in his fucking face." Arthur C. Clarke

"Somehow, LaSalle has taken every mistake every writer has ever made in the history of literature and fit them all into a 5000 word short story. It truly is a miracle of failure." Gore Vidal

CONtraflow in New Orleans, Mofos

2011-11-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

See that picture of a spaceship? That's just to put you in a sci-fi mood. Because if you come see author guest of honor David Brin at CONtraflow in New Orleans this weekend, you can also find me hanging around cluttering up the place too. I'll be happy to sign books and drink beer or do a little dance. Whatever pleases thee. I'll be on some panels and junk. See you there.

A New Crime Thriller from Anthony Neil Smith

2011-11-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

Here at Blogpocalypse, it's my pleasure to occasionally pimp for pals, and my pal Neil has written a new winner, a novel called ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS. This is an eBook with the new Blasted Heath Press, a publisher specializing in eBooks. No print. Print is on the way out? Maybe. It doesn't matter. Today's important message is GO BUY NEIL'S NEW NOVEL!

More from the Emerson LaSalle Pulp collection.

2011-10-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Art by Tony Lewis