I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're only 3,000 years old!?" I would die from embarrassment, IF I WASN'T ALREADY DEAD. And if I could feel emotions, like embarrassment. This guy knows what I am talking about. TEAM GHOSTS!

Anyway, got to run FLY. (Get it? You get it! DRACULAS!) After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments of the week, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, and the Editor's Choice.

Oh man. RAISIN' THE STAKES! What is going to be next for these guys? "Did you think that the freakout videos might have hurt your chances in this year's Presidental election?" "No, I mean, I just kind of feel like, you know, that people would make the right choice in the ballot box and they did. Now I am the President of the United States and stuff and, like, GOD DAMN IT NOW I AM HAVING A REAL FREAK OUT THAT IS NOT FAKE AT ALL." Believable! Obviously, these can't be fake, because...you couldn't fake something in exactly the same way that many times in a row? Stephen may be the world's greatest freakout kid*, but his brother is clearly the world's greatest logic kid.

Oh, but SIDENOTE: you would think that with the millions of views on their videos and whatever company is sponsoring this viral marketing campaign for Diet Rage Drinks or whatever this is, that they could GET A BETTER CAMERA. These things always look like they were filmed on a walkie-talkie.

*For now.

Look, people falling down is always funny. Always. Duh Aficionado magazine's special End of the Decade Commemorative Issue. I mean, you don't want people to actually get hurt. We're all human beings trying to make it to the finish line, or whatever. But, you know. And even when people do get hurt, it's still pretty funny. It's pretty much just an infallible rule. Even when the people falling down are fake, CGI people, it is funny. Like, do you remember at the end of Titanic when the ship snaps in half and goes vertical into the air and all those CGI people fall 10 stories into the water, bouncing off of railings and walls and stuff? That was the best part of the movie. I'M THE KING OF THE WORLOLOLOLOLD!

But if regular people (or regular CGI people) falling is funny, Tila Tequila (who is not normal but might be CGI) falling is the funniest, especially if it's while she is doing some bizarre kind of NSFW, or at least NSFL, web-streaming strip show for her "fans." What is wrong with her?

This remains completely unbelievable. This is clearly your show. Starring all of your boyfriends. And all of your girlfriends. Living in your house. On your shore. For now. (Thanks for the tip, Edith.)

So, as you probably know by now, Oprah has announced that she is leaving her talk show after next season. This morning, she made it official with an on-air announcement in which she explained the reason for her departure. From the New York Times:

"So why walk away and make next season the last? Here is the real reason," she said, staring into the camera. "I love this show. This show has been my life. And I love it enough to know when it's time to say goodbye. Twenty-five years feels right in my bones and it feels right in my spirit. It's the perfect number, the exact right time."

Huh. So the "real reason" is basically "because." You are leaving the show because you love it and also because of the number 25? Sure. I mean, you are the boss! Just tell me where to pick up my free car and you won't hear any more questions from me.

Anyway, the guys and I got together and made you something to show our appreciation for everything that you've done over the years:

Obviously, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Al Gore has done a lot of good in this world, so it might seem cheap to focus on his teeth of all things, but WHOA. What is going on in there? Enhance!

Obviously, horrorcore is the worst, and people who paint their faces like genuine actual garbage clowns are hilarious. But somehow I feel so defensive of horrorcore while watching this segment. You leave horrorcore alone, you old, out-of-touch neden holes! With your silly, Specs Howard voices and your casual, racist insinuations that rap music and gang violence are inextricably linked. Then again, when that guy from Kung Fu Vampire (See you at New Moon tonight, bro!) uses a junior high school-caliber epiphany to turn the whole thing back on the news team by explaining that the mainstream media's reporting of violence makes the evening news the grandfather of all horrorcore (WHOOOOOA), I quickly went back to hating the people in the horrorcore scene. So, I guess I just hate everyone in this segment. (Thanks for the tip, Rana and Kim.)

At a Swell Season performance a couple of nights ago (Swell Season is Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, the people who won the Academy Award for Once, beating out August Rush somehow, so you know they're good [ZING for no swell reason]) Jason Segal took the stage. I guess they are all friends? Anyway, Jason Segel sat behind the piano, and after some light banter in which he explained that he'd asked Glen and Marketa for songwriting advice and that they had said to include lots of "personal details," Segel performed a very "personal song" with backing from the band. Some might say TOO personal!

I am excited to announce, in partnership with our sister site, stereogum.com, the opening of this year's Gummy Awards ballot boxes. It is time once again to come together as a family and determine through the democratic (sort of) process what our majority-rule favorite things in this world are at least at the moment. Again this year, in addition to Stereogum's music categories, we have some pretty exciting Videogum-related categories to vote on:

• Best Movie
• Best TV Show
• Best Web Video

Neat! We were going to offer a "Best Kiss" category, but apparently MTV has trademarked that important award. Probably. I don't actually know whether or not the "Best Kiss" category is a trademark owned by MTV, but I do know that it is a ridiculous category for an award, and that MTV doesn't even make any sense anymore. It's a channel about stupid people? And the M stands for MySpace? I don't know.

Nope. No. Nunh-unh. "But Gabe, they have a website." So? Everyone has a website. Your mom has a website. It's called htttp://www.mommyshomepage.com, and she hasn't updated it in nine months. What is up with her, anyway? (Thanks for the tip, Adam and Antonia.)

Not only does Tim Allen star in a new movie called Crazy on the Outside, he also directed it! He's a director now! People in Hollywood are like, "this is a safe place to invest our millions of dollars." People in Hollywood are like, "we're gonna need a greener light!" But based on the poster for Tim Allen's new movie, Crazy on the Outside, which looks GREAT by the way, it would appear that Tim Allen is also in charge of the movie's Photoshopping. How else to explain how incredibly awful this is other than that it was done by the incredibly awful person in it? (This paragraph is basically the Wikipedia entry for "Occam's Razor.")

Hollywood realizes that Photoshop has been around for thousands of years now, right? It's no longer a room-sized machine that takes a crew of PhD scientists to operate. Children can use Photoshop now to make photorealistic images of themselves in modern, baggage-free domestic partnerships with Selena Gomez. And children could do a much better job than whoever (Tim Allen) did this.

And it's one thing for all of the characters behind the door to be obviously Photoshopped, fine, but was it really necessary to even Photoshop Tim Allen's face onto that 1993-body? He couldn't make himself available for a half-hour photoshoot to promote that he stars in AND directed? No time! "Sorry, I've got to clean the cocaine residue out of my crepe-maker. Get a stand-in, and I'll just MSPaint a self-portrait from my Friendster profile onto it in the middle of the night in five minutes between jerk-offs." Tim Allen, you guys. American legend. American ARTIST.

There was very little drama in the last season of Top Chef, with the exception of the drama of whether or not Hosea's head would actually transform completely into a giant thumb or if it would just remain thumb-ISH in shape and size. But for the most part, the not-as-talented chefs were eliminated early on and the better chefs remained to battle it out in a legitimate test of skill and/or whatever Hosea was up to. Everyone seemed like friends (or Hosea) and like they respected each other's talent and hard work. This season there is even LESS drama. Kevin and the Voltaggio brothers have been DOMINATING from the start like a bunch of dominatrixusesii, and although Jennifer has definitely basically gone The Yellow Wallpaper over the past couple of weeks, is still obviously a great chef succumbing to the rigors and pressures of an intensive and invasive reality TV show. And everyone else has basically been left to fight over whose turn it would be to inevitably be sent home this or that week, with the possible exception of Mike, who seems pretty strong, and has been the only "surprise" elimination all season, and even that wasn't that big of a surprise. To give you a sense of how little drama there has been so far this season, remember that this week there were five chefs left (Michael Voltaggio, Kevin, Eli, Bryan Voltaggio, Jennifer). Now guess which one got eliminated. NO SPOILERS, but I am pretty sure you guessed right. Like the teenagers say in their Facebook status updates, NO DRAMA!

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum's Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Okay, Glee, I'm not trying to be a dick here, and you know I'm all about supporting your fucking retarded mission to gay-up primetime and ruin people's taste in music (ALL about it), but, you're making it awfully hard for me right now. I mean--this week? 4REALZIEZ? Ugh. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO SING A DESTINY'S CHILD SONG, MAKE A PUSSY JOKE, AND ROLL CREDITS?! Why are you trying to make me sit through an hour with NO upbeat songs, NO Sue Sylvester, and NO ONE getting hit in the head with anything (other than EMOTIONS (and NOT the Destiny's Child/Bee-Gees cover, which is perfection))?! JESUS CHRIST, GLEE, it's getting pretty fucking difficult to defend your candy ass, when my mouth is always stuffed to capacity with your lame-tarded BULLSHIT. GAH. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I feel a little bit better. Sorry. NO I'M NOT, but I can pretend to be.

Energy drinks!

I know that many of you cool dudes and even cooler young women are reading this on your smartphones right now, because that is the only way to access the NET when you are spending the week in sleeping bags in front of the movie theater waiting for Twilight New Moon to open. Did you keep your pre-purchased Fandango tickets in your velcro wallet or a special pocket in your Dora: The Explorer backpack? (Mom won't get me a new backpack until next year, she says this one works perfectly fine even though I HATE it and I HATE her.) I'm only asking because I am nervous that if you keep gripping your pre-purchased Fandango ticket like that you're going to sweat off all the ink and they won't let you in. Base-jumping!

Obviously, New Moon (AHHHHHH!) doesn't open until tomorrow (NnnnnnNNNNNnnnNNNNN!) and you haven't even seen it yet, so it might seem like a waste of time to talk about what to get excited about after New Moon. That's like spending Christmas Eve talking about which holiday you're looking forward to most. But what if I told you that this St. Patrick's Day was going to star HANNAH MONTANAAAAAAAAAAA! Whoa, you guys. Let's all take an X-BOX and just CHILLAX. Sometimes life is just too much.

The Last Song trailer, you guys:

Last night, anyone who uses the baby-proofed blogging platform Tumblr (now with fewer edges!) noticed that the upper-third of their "dashboard" had been taken over with a banner reading "Marissa Nystrom, will you marry me?" and below that was a post by a Justin Johnson, a user most people probably did not know and were not subscribed to, which included Justin's video proposal to Marissa (above). AWWWWWWWW. KIND OF. I mean, everyone is entitled to finding some happiness in this world, or whatever, and it takes an actual capital-M Monster to be completely enraged and pessimistic about a young couple just starting to make their way in the world. As far as I am concerned, there is still a certain romance and a certain hopefulness left in the institution of marriage. If you do it right, it looks nice! I'm not, for example, a person who thinks that marriage is an outdated system of wealth consolidation and patriarchal hegemony. Some people believe that, and that is fine, too. I bet those people are even more bothered by this than I am. Oh, because make no mistake, I am very bothered by this!

[In this feature, we periodically check in to see what is up with Topher Grace.]

Earlier this week, comedian Ken Ober, most famous as the host of the MTV game show Remote Control, died at the age of 52. Ober helped to launch the careers of other comedians, like Adam Sandler and Colin Quinn, and anyone who grew up during the show's 1987-1991 run (or who was in their mid-50s but maintained a powerful interest in "the youthful culture") will always remember the show as something irreverent and new. The New York Times, in memorializing Ober called the show "sarcastic" and "self-mocking," and pointed out that Ober "ran the program like a late-night talk show (or frat party) and gleefully teased players who gave wrong answers." It's true! The show was like a late-night talk show, or a frat party, or somewhere in between. After hosting Remote Control, Ober went on to host some other game shows, but I do not think I am alone in having lost track of his career. And so his death stands as a painful reminder of both the fragility of life on this Earth that someone could be taken so young (and I don't know if you know this, but some people die at even younger ages sometimes! Without ever having been on TV at all! This world is really kind of a nightmare) and also of the fickle nature of fame, as a man who brought so much joy to so many people could so easily recede into the shadows. R.I.P. Ken Ober. You are in heaven now, gleefully teasing the angels who give wrong answers.

But if there is one bright moment* to take from Ken Ober's unfortunate passing, it is my strengthened resolve to continue doing the important work of What's Up with Topher Grace?, to ensure that we don't lose another of our beloved celebrities to disease-filled (or drug-overdose filled, do we really still not know what happened to Ken Ober?) obscurity.

So, what is up with him?

"Hello, hospital? Send an ambulance, please. And a bucket. Also, do you know how to fix eyes that have been clawed out with fingers? What's that? No, they were my fingers. I'm assuming I have the eyes somewhere, I just can't see them hahahha. They're probably on the floor though. Or in this puddle of bar--yeah, found them!"

Dear the ladies of The View,

You have GOT to be KIDDING me. What is wrong with you? Have the hot studio lights melted so much of the plastic holding your faces together that some of it has seeped into your brains? Your bizarre and inexplicable treatment of classic rape (not to be confused with rape-rape) over the past few months has been so strange, insensitive, and inappropriate, that I am starting to get the sense that you're only famous because everyone has a soft spot for the mentally disabled.

I'm referring of course to an earlier episode in which you ladies discussed the Roman Polanski being a child rapist who is now in jail for raping children situation, and Whoopi Goldberg defended him by pointing out that we do not know if what he did to a 13-year-old girl was "rape" or "rape-rape." There is a difference? There is a difference, apparently. And now this morning, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara made an incredibly unfortunate (if that is really the word to use for this, probably not) joke about how she was raped when she was a child and that is why she looks so great? She is beautiful, that's true. I guess it must have been the make-believe rape.

LOL?

If "I want to go to there" didn't feel like such a tired reference, I'd probably use it. I...SEE..YOUR...MILKSHAKE...ON DVD. (Thanks for the tip, Andrew and Richard.)

Do you guys remember Charlie Sheen's bonkers 9/11 fan fiction? Of course you do. Because you printed it out and bound it in leather, and embossed the cover with gold-leaf lettering that reads "Most Important Fiction." That shit was insane, though. Everyone knows that. Doctors were like "Let me give you my diagnosis for free just this once, because I would feel bad taking your money to tell you the obvious: he is a crazy person." Well now he wants you to pretend like he's not a crazy person for the chance to win $14,000 (basically the most money ever, probably) by making a video in which you DRAMATIZE the fan fiction's purported conversation between CHARLIE SHEEN and BARACK OBAMA on the subject of the government's (conspiracy-theorist-endorsed) failure in investigating the true causes behind 9/11! One lucky winner will get $14,000 and the pride of knowing they at least tried to legitimize Charlie Sheen's apparent mental illness!

This is a real thing that is happening! And people be submittin'! Here are a couple of my favorites (SO FAR! I don't want to count out any late entries):

[Ed. note: In the New York Times a couple weeks ago, there was an article about the much-anticipated DVD release of thirtysomething, a "groundbreaking" (not my word) television drama from the late '80s. By most measures, the show was not a huge success (according to that article, its highest ratings were during the first 15 minutes of a premiere), but it was a critical darling, and "thirtysomething" is now a word in the dictionary. But most importantly: when it came out, as far as I was concerned, it was a stupid-boring show for old people. Except that now I am one of those old people. And so, out of some misguided sense of curiosity, over the next few weeks, I will be recapping the first season of thirtysomething here. 2009, you guys. Anything can happen. There is no spoon.]

If the publishing industry were not imploding right now, I would probably walk right into Graydon Wenner's office and pitch him an idea for adding UGH Aficionado magazine to Guy Snoozehouse's illustrious line of Condor Nash publications. "I've already got the first cover story," I would say. From the AP (via HuffingtonPost*):

SAN FRANCISCO - A spokeswoman for Jaycee Dugard says only Dugard and her family should decide when and if a film is made based on the 18 years she spent with the man charged with kidnapping her.

The statement came after Shane Ryan -- the director of low-budget horror movies such as "Amateur Porn Star Killer" and "Romance Road Killers" -- announced that he expected to start production next month on "Abducted Girl, An American Sex Slave."

Ryan told Sacramento television station KCRA that he wants to focus on the relationship between Dugard and Phillip Garido, the man charged with abducting, raping and holding her captive in his backyard.

Oh, is that what he wants to focus on? The relationship between a brainwashed young woman and her rapist kidnapper? We're gonna need a bigger pair of Bad Idea Jeans! Do you guys remember the part in 2012 when the world was destroyed? That was pretty smart. And something tells me that this pornographer does not have the one billion Euros necessary to purchase safe-passage aboard the government's A.R.K.S. I'm not saying that he needs to die, I'm just saying if everyone dies he doesn't need to be saved. There's a difference!

*I love that the HuffingtonPost has the appropriately disgusted and dismayed reaction to this news story--as they should, we are all only human--but then still manage to post a "Who Should Play Jaycee?" poll for their readers. COOL POLL, GUYS!

It's not unusual in a relationship for one person in the relationship to not get along with the other's friends as much as the other person in the relationship might like. And sure, it can be difficult to inherit a group of strangers and be expected to immediately form a meaningful bond with them based solely on the fact that you have a meaningful bond with someone that they know. But you must at least recognize, as a caring participant in a meaningful relationship, how important these friends are to your loved one, and how your effort to get along with his or her friends is actually a demonstration of your effort in the relationship. And if you still find yourself having trouble establishing a relationship with your boyfriend's or girlfriend's friends, then find a quiet, subtle way to excuse yourself from uncomfortable situations. What you should NOT do is constantly make fun of them for being a machine and insisting it's not even possible to be friends with a machine anyway when clearly it IS possible since some of us are friends with him and maybe even best friends. And don't roll your stupid eyes, or make snide remarks about the machine's weight as if that is any of your business, and definitely don't break them completely by tampering with their voltage regulator override circuit buttons on the back of their heads. Now your boyfriend's or girlfriend's friends don't even remember how to BE friends, much less any of their nice songs about God. Thanks a lot, Nick. Maybe you should spend a little less time on stiltedly ruining everything, and a little more time focusing on building that giant pile of broken wood (?).

What do you even see in him? Besides the hair?

P.S. Flippy and Floppy are also your boyfriends.

We've all had a lot of fun looking at photos from yesterday's Twilight: New Moon premiere. Some might say the most fun ever. Although if you hear someone saying that, ask them to stop, and tell them that they don't know what fun even is. But it's hardly fair for me to get all of the glory (INCREDIBLE GLORY!) with my hilarious (SO HILARIOUS!) photo captions. So now it is your turn! What could Kristen Stewart possibly be thinking in this photo? I don't know! That is what your captions are for. Hahaha. Sometimes life is just TOO good, right, you guys? Leave your captions in the comments, and the winner will receive a special shout out in this week's Monsters' Ball (WOW! What an amazing prize! I should probably check with our lawyers and make sure we can afford this!).

Good luck. And remember, the most important thing is that you guys just have fun with it. Probably. There might be something more important but I can't think of it right now! I'm too overwhelmed with excitement for this great movie!

Let me make something very clear: Michael Jackson's 3D short film, Captain Eo, which used to be an attraction at Disneyland's Epcot Center, is easily one of the best 3D short films from an international pop sensation featuring smoke machines and also lazers. It's great! Back in the '80s, when I was in my late 40s and trying to piece my life together after a particularly difficult divorce (although none of them have been easy) I would read my Captain EO 3D comic book until I fell asleep. But it's 2009, now. I'm not a professor of Youth Culture, but I just don't think children (and make no mistake, DISNEYLAND IS FOR CHILDREN) want to see a dead pop star's 20-plus-year-old idea of what the future would look like if space was a musical. Even if this wasn't just a callous cash-grab, which it is (see the cover of this month's sister publication, Duh It's A Cash Grab Magazine). But providing children with entertainment they might actually enjoy is no longer Disney's focus (see: Up). From the HollywoodReporter:

At yesterday's premiere of Twilight: New Moon, there were plenty of full-grown adults who made signs expressing their love of the series and their refusal of psychotropic medication. But there were also CELEBRITIES! Neat! The stars were out on the red carpet to celebrate this Friday's release of the latest chapter in the tween sensation. Let's see who was there!