Last weekend, something strange happened. Some of the Videogum Monsters created their own secret, password-protected chat room. In 2009! Incredible! I suppose every monster has his cave, or whatever. As it turned out, though, we already had a Videogum Chat Room, originally set up last winter for the 2009 Academy Award Video Pizza Party, and lying dormant, empty and silent ever since. Until now. Now there's monsters in there all the time! It's like that secret room in Harry Potter that you can only find if you are a nerd. You should check it out, if you want. Or don't. This is America, it's up to you. Put it in your pocket for later. Whatever. But this is a weekly feature highlighting the week's best comments, not the week's best chat rooms, and so:

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, and the Editor's Choice.

Yuck. This video is terrible! It's like it was created by a focus group tasked with determining what anti-social 15-year-olds from broken homes who like 50-year-old men and nightmares want.

Although, maybe I'm watching it wrong? Like you know how it's unfair to judge the trailers for James Cameron's Avatar too harshly after watching them on a Quicktime window on your computer monitor when the film is intended to be watched in anamorphic 3D on IMAX? Maybe we shouldn't judge this video too harshly until we've seen it through the window of our Time Machine on the way back to late 1997, the day before Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" video first aired, when this might have seemed even slightly shocking and not just the obnoxious work of an aging asshole who's run out of ideas.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I really feel like this guy needs to clarify who he is talking about:

Is the stupid cunt who needs to put a cock in her mouth Kristen Wiig, or the poet Suzanne Somers? PLEASE (DON'T) CLARIFY!

P.S. Two YouTube comment-based posts in one day! Is it because it's Friday and I am being kind of lazy, or is it because YouTube is the best and represents the most thoughtful and incisive dialog in America today? There's probably no way to know for sure.

With excitement over James Cameron's upcoming World of Warcraft Expansion Pack movie, Avatar, it was only a matter of time before a religious group took issue with its potential to confuse and disgrace their most cherished beliefs (was it only a matter of time?). From TMZ:

James Cameron's new film "Avatar" may have one of the biggest budgets of all time ... but it also has one big problem -- a group of Hindus are up in arms because they claim the title disgraces their religion.

The Universal Society of Hinduism and its president Rajan Zed are demanding Cameron put a disclaimer before and after the new 3-D flick saying it has diddly squat to do with the Hindu religion and its concepts ... and the title is just a coincidence.

The concept of "avatar" -- commonly known as incarnation -- is a central theme in Hinduism and prominent Hindus are worried the movie will completely botch it if Cameron doesn't bother to explain himself.

Oh, the Universal Society of Hinduism. Also, huh?

"Honey, how many bottles of Achmed syrah should I order for the dinner party tomorrow night? Well, sure, a case, but we'll go through that, you know how Tom drinks, and if we're going to spend the money on shipping anyway, we should probably get some to set aside just for everyday wine, no? Maybe a case of the Achmed and a case of the Peanut riesling? You know what, honey, nevermind, I'm just going to order 1,000 cases of all three Jeff Dunham wines, which exist and are real, and are my favorite wines. What we don't drink at the dinner party we can save for our children, as part of their inheritance. It's collectible, you know. Oh, but now that we've got the wine thing sorted out, how many Bubba J iPods Nano do you want?"
--You

(Via JeffDunham.com/shop.)

Seriously, what is wrong with him? Something's wrong with him, right? Is it a disease? IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE BLOG?! Also, what's up with this:

Yikes. Ron Artest, what is going on with you? Do you need to talk to someone? (Thanks for the tip, Gabe and Daniel.)

Last night's Park and Recreation really took it to the next level. Between last night's episode and Duke Silver, they have clearly been sitting on a powder keg with Nick Offerman, but instead of gunpowder, it's powdered gold. And laffs. Laff powder. Also, obligatory mention of Patton Oswalt's cameo on Community. But probably the biggest stand out moment from the night was the dick towel from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm not sure what it is, but somehow those guys have really managed to tap into the Power of the Internet. Ah-ah-ahhhhhhh. Is it because the people on the show are slightly younger? Is it because the show is on FX? Is it because of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's early word-of-mouth grassroots success? I don't know. I'm not Professor On-Line Integration over here. All I know is that the Dick Towel infomercial is after the jump, and it's mildly NSFW.

Yesterday, I got an email (that's right, I get emails, no big deal!).

As PARANORMAL ACTIVITY makes its way to the $100 million mark at the box office, we are thanking the fans who turned the movie into a nationwide phenomenon by featuring their names in the credits for the film's DVD release!

Uh, you're welcome?! So I followed the link to a website* where you provide your name, birthdate, and email address by the deadline of next Monday (11/9) at 12 PM PST, and your name will (supposedly) be included in the credits on the DVD release. Great! I haven't even seen this movie yet, and I don't know if I ever will, but I am very into being in the credits of this movie. Besides, I've done my part. I'll send a copy of the DVD to my mom and just be like "Bam! No more talking shit about me in the Family Newsletter. I'm basically the President of Movie Credits now, it's very impressive. Now the girls want to take ME to the movies."

But then I realized something else: this is the perfect "mission" with which to launch our new prank troupe, Videogum Everywhere.

A couple of weeks ago, we all enjoyed the video for Bangs's "Take U 2 Da Movies," and since then it has gone on to become a Genuine Internet Sensation. Everyone loves Bangs's gentle lyrics about buying popcorn, not to mention his tight flow. (Take notes, Chamillionaire.) He's our generation's Eli Porter! Now, an Australian news site has an interview with the Best Rapper on the Internet. From Channel 9:

A 19-year-old Melbourne rapper says he "feels amazing" after his song "Take U 2 Da Movies" -- an ode to cinema dates and popcorn -- became a global internet sensation.

The music clip has been viewed hundreds of thousands of times on YouTube since it was featured on popular viral video websites this week.

Ajak Chol, aka Bangs, told ninemsn he has been offered several record deals with major labels in Australia and the US since his career skyrocketed.

"It's crazy. First there were 30 or 40 views. Now it's getting more and more every day," Bangs said.

"Hip hop is in my heart and soul, I'm so happy."

Yessssss! It's the feel good story of the morning! You the best for this one, Bangs. But there is more than just joy in Bangs's heart, there is also some words for the haters:

"What's his name?" the child who had stolen the drawing asked.

"His name is John Connor, and I have been sent from the future to kill him," The Terminator said.

"Terminator and John Connor, sitting in a tree!" the kids began to chant. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Shut up," The Terminator said, "or I will shoot all of you children in the face with a machine gun."

Guys, I don't want to bum you out, but Michael Jackson is dead. Forever. Now, I'm not trying to be a downer. I understand how comforting it can be to believe that there is something waiting for us on the other side of that mortal coil. Perhaps you think that we're all going to heaven, a perpetual pajama party in the clouds where all the water fountains run with champagne. Perhaps you think that we become pure energy, and our souls disperse into the atmosphere like Powder. Or maybe you think that we hang around on some hidden, spiritual plane for all of eternity, hoisting our descendants onto our shoulders, like Mr. Amistad. We're all entitled to our beliefs.

But please don't hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson. And if you are going to hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson, for heaven's sake, DON'T PUT IT ON TELEVISION!

First of all, let's clear a few things up:

1. There is no new adrenaline sport on the horizon.
2. It was Stadius who said "it was fear that first made Gods in the world," your boyfriend thought right! Although Stadius was talking about Ultimate Frisbee.
3. This guy is your boyfriend

Also, if I ever see a kid doing tricks on a razor scooter, I will murder him, and then I will turn myself in. My years in prison will be made more endurable with the knowledge that I have at least done my part in CLEANING UP THE STREETS.

A few days ago, comedian Nick Kroll posted a funny Twitter:

I just saw a billboard for a new play called "oy vey, my son is gay!" what's it about?! What religion is everyone in this play?!

Haha. A classic case of "show, don't tell" done perfectly.

Well, apparently that play has been turned into a movie? And there is a trailer on-line (sent in via Videogum Tips Hall-of-Famer, Amil), and oh boy. While you might not think that it would be possible for a movie called Oy Vey! My Son Is Gay! to actually be worse than that name, which is literally the worst name, the movie looks so much worse than the title! You'll be saying "Hey, cool title," after you watch this trailer. My eyes are still kvetching! ("Kvetching" is Yiddish for "bleeding vomit.")

Thousands of young Americans enter film school every year with the hope of making the next Citizen Kane (but this time, "Rosebud" is a pair of rollerblades!). Most of them, of course, won't succeed as directors, and will eventually find themselves moving on to more reliable work in other fields, or toiling in the belly of the entertainment industry, or writing a pop culture blog. So it must be discouraging to these hopeful and ambitious young artists to realize that this little girl, with nothing more than a video camera, a couple of American Girl dolls, and a song about the best burrito she has ever had, just created something better than anything they will ever do in their entire frustrated and unsatisfying lives.

Wow, so many famous movie quotes! But I'm sure I missed a few famous movie quotes. Please feel free to email me at gabe@movielover_69.biz with suggestions of other great quotes!

Danny Boyle is getting to work on his follow-up to Slumdog Millionaire, titled 127 Hours. From Variety:

Fox Searchlight and Danny Boyle have firmed plans to make their next collaboration "127 Hours," a film that tells the story of mountaineer Aron Ralston.

After his right forearm got pinned for nearly five days under a boulder during a climb in Utah in May, 2003, Ralston used a dull knife to amputate the limb. He then scaled a 65-foot sheer wall and hiked out before running into a family that gave him water and food. He was finally rescued by helicopter.

How did he do it?

A: He cheated
B: He's lucky
C: He's a genius
D: By using a dull knife to amputate the limb

Huh? I don't know! Although I will say this: whoever made this video deserves to date whoever they want. As long as they don't murder and eat them afterward! I also appreciate that they used as broad of a definition of "President" as possible to also include Prime Ministers, Secretaries of State, egomaniacal dictators, and Popes. In this modern day of blurry gender roles and self-determined sexuality, it's important not to impose our value judgments on president-sexuals. They want the same things we want: love, security, and to be dating someone that respects them for who they are while simultaneously being either a President, or very close to a President, depending on a country's chosen (or imposed) form of government. Preferably one with a big MANDATE! (No politico.)

(Thanks for the tip, Godsauce and Andy.)

[In this feature, we periodically check in to see what is up with Topher Grace.]

I was listening to a podcast of an old episode of Fresh Air on my Zune the other day (because I listen to podcasts of old episodes of Fresh Air, because I'm 122 years old) and they had a review of a new documentary coming out called No Impact Man. The documentary is based on a book of the same name, which itself was based on a blog by a guy named Colin Beaven. The premise of this social experiment is that for one year, Colin and his family lived their lives sustainably, without taxing the environment in any way. So they used a clay pot instead of a refrigerator, and they made all their birthday presents out of bark, and they turned urine into prison wine, I don't know. You get the point! Now, to be fair to Colin Beaven, I have not read his blog, or his book, or seen the documentary, so I can't speak too knowledgeably about the thing I'm about to complain about, but doesn't it seem like he should change his name to Lots of Impact Man? (My carbon ZINGprint is huge!) Do you know how big of an environmental burden it is to print a book? Not to mention the amount of electricity involved in publishing a blog and creating a movie, which one assumes will later be distributed on DVDs. (Not to mention that the whole thing just seems self-indulgent and attention-cravey; the Supersize Me of the green movement.) I don't know, something about the whole thing made me so mad.

You know who isn't polluting the world with his well-meaning but terribly misguided book? Topher Grace. But this isn't a column about what Topher Grace isn't up to. It's about what he is! Let's see!

Yoa giys shood call this mavie! Yoo cold buy FAMIS!

I'm sure this movie is going to be really really good. I don't know who Cuirtis Jackson is, but if it's got "a mall scenes" in it, maels prortrying gang member, and everyone involved is getting professinal pay, I don't know how they could possibly screw it up.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER FANDANGO!* (Via Craigslist.)

*Alternate joke: you are quite literally crazy for this one, 50 Cent.

This movie looks great, because it looks just like a lot of other movies that were already great. Liev Schreiber is going to isolate the background noise from the voice recording and discover that Angelina Jolie is standing near an above ground train. "WHAT CITY HAS AN ABOVE-GROUND TRAIN?!" That is what Liev Schreiber is going to yell. "GET ME THE ONE-ARMED SALT BOURNE!" Because we are all just batteries for the robots, and whoa, Angelina Jolie knows Kung Fu.

[Ed. note: In the New York Times a couple weeks ago, there was an article about the much-anticipated DVD release of thirtysomething, a "groundbreaking" (not my word) television drama from the late '80s. By most measures, the show was not a huge success (according to that article, its highest ratings were during the first 15 minutes of a premiere), but it was a critical darling, and "thirtysomething" is now a word in the dictionary. But most importantly: when it came out, as far as I was concerned, it was a stupid-boring show for old people. Except that now I am one of those old people. And so, out of some misguided sense of curiosity, over the next few weeks, I will be recapping the first season of thirtysomething here. 2009, you guys. Anything can happen. There is no spoon.]

MEMORIES! You are so old, Sesame Street! I got you a cake, and I covered it in icing gravestones, that is how old you are. The oldest. R.I.P.

[Ed. note: I would like to introduce the latest edition to the Videogum Street Team. Monsters, please welcome Joe Mande. He's a stand-up comedian who has appeared on Comedy Central and Best Week Ever, and is the creator of the popular blog, Look At This Fucking Hipster (soon to be a popular book!). Now, he is going to do to ABC's reboot of V what he did to skinny jeans and kafias (make fun of it on-line).]

Weeks ago, Gabe asked me to write recaps of the new ABC show FlashForward for Videogum. I really wanted to do it, because I tend to only watch TV shows that are advertised on the side of buses. Unfortunately, I'm a very important person living a very important life, so important things got in the way. I was forced to tell Gabe that I was unable to write jokes for his blog. Naturally, I felt guilty about this, because I feel guilty about everything, so I forced myself to keep watching FlashForward despite the fact that I wasn't writing recaps. As the season went on, I felt less and less guilty, because FlashForward is a terrible television show that no one but me is watching (more like "FlushDownward," ...you know, like a toilet?).

Anyway, my life is a little less important these days, and thus I've agreed to recap ABC's other new, big-budget series, V.

OK, this is easily my favorite Party Game of all time. It is so weird! Who thought of this? Why aren't they president of something, with an annual salary of low to high millions? I would not be surprised if whoever thought of this gets a call from the MacArthur Foundation. "We're gonna need a bigger genius grant!" SO GOOD!

#cowfilms

Huh? WHAT A WEIRD GAME. And yet it is so so fun. What, you hate fun? C'mon, son! So, #cowfilms, for example:

• Bitter Moo
• Rebel Without A Cows
• Last Tango in Pasture
• Grazing Day
• Milk

Sorry I took all the good ones and won this game before it even began! Too bad so sad! I promise you, though, that this is all you will do today. GOODNIGHT.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (which is such an important sounding name for such an incredibly unimportant group of people) has finally announced the host for this year's Academy Awards: Steve Martin. And also Alec Baldwin! TWO HOSTS! It is just like R. Kelly said:

"16 years, nothin' but hits, and they still don't believe. S'only one thing to do, and that is Double Up."

The two dudes have already released their first statements regarding the announcement, and the statements are funny? It's weird. This stuff is supposed to be boring and tepid and overwrought. I need an adult! From People: