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Green Lantern Meatloaf

2011-06-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday I thought it would be fun if I did something a little different for supper.

I had planned the ever exciting "meatloaf"...so to make it more fun I asked my son if I should make it into a meatloaf man.
He reminded me of a conversation we had earlier this month were I had said I would make the Green Lantern symbol out of the meat loaf.
So I did just that.
The following pictures are of the process.

1. I created my meat loaf meat ( secret recipe) then shaped it into the Green Lantern Symbol

Step 2: After thinking about the different thickness and the fact that this particular pan does NOT have a lid I decided to throw bacon on top of it to keep the moisture and the juices in the meat.

Step 3, Again to keep the juices in the meat and for added flavor I put a sauce made of tomato soup and various spices over top ( picture below is BEFORE cooking)

Step 4: Bake it in the oven!

I tasted GOOD :) and that isn't just me saying that my whole family thought to too :)

So I posted the pics on my facebook. and My buddy Travis had this to add:

"In brightest day
In blackest night
No protein shall escape my bite
Let those who worship broccoli's might
Beware my power, MEAT LANTERN'S LIGHT"

Which just made me roar, so I thought I'd share that too :)

The kids have some other idea for dinner/art that they want me to do, so I'll add those to the blog as I attempt them.

Vancouver 2011 Stanley Cup Riot: violence and bad choices.

2011-06-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Sadly I saw this coming. I knew if Vancouver didn’t win. People would use this as an excuse for making very BAD CHOICES by being violent, causing destruction and theft.

I am disgusted, ashamed, however not shocked.

All the work we all did as Greater Vancouver to welcome the world during the Olympics, to show the world our hospitality. To show what a safe, fun, and friendly city we can be have now been pretty much completely tarnished in one evening…WTG

I have a message to you people who went out tonight “hoping for, and egging on the violence”.

YOU ARE STUPID AND SAD!

The reason I say this (other than your idiotic choice of choosing to be violent, destructive, and to steal tonight) is because everybody has a cameras on their phones ANY crime you do tonight at the riot will be sure to be captured on in some sort of way.

It will not be an anonymous crime.

My example CLICK HERE I bet they didn’t think there would be such a clear picture of them being idiots.

Will your mothers, grandmothers, and children be proud of your choices tonight?

Are you proud of yourself?

Not only that ....do not forget your co-workers, bosses, friends, and family will also see this.
I bet your boss will be "pleased as punch" that you are a representative of their company. Oh and if you “called in sick “ to be able to make it to the game today you will probably be getting fired for lying now too.

BRAVO! I hope it was worth what you’ve lost tonight.

You have shown your true value and it is SAD.

To the “BlackBlock” using this as a catalyst for your own agenda. If you truly believe in what you are doing have the balls to remove the masks and bandanas and OWN what you are doing…stop COWARING behind your masks. If you can not stand up for what you are doing maybe you SHOULDN’T BE DOING IT!

To you people who stayed down there to watch the riot and got caught in it “because you wanted to have fun and watch the riot.” If you got hurt… that was Darwin sending you a message. “You DID NOT HAVE COMMON SENCE enough to leave that situation” you are stupid and probably should NOT procreate. Do not act like a victim either, you made the choice to be in a high risk danger area and you got hurt. You made your bed now lay in it. When a police person tells you to “For your own safety, GO HOME” then you should GO HOME!!! If you didn’t you made a BAD CHOICE and get to live with the results.

Do not get me wrong staying there on purpose is WAY different from somebody who was down there and tried to leave, but couldn’t because of the busses and the sea bus getting shut down. Getting trapped down there is incredibly unfortunate. To you, my heart truly goes out and I hope you found your way to a safe place.

I pray that everybody learns from this disappointing event….but sadly I don’t think the ones who need to learn the most will.

Frustration

2011-06-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well today I am sooo frustrated it isn't even funny.

I got a new job 2 weeks ago, I will not mention where as I do not want to have people think ill of that company due to my venting.

I did my training days and was given my uniform. Just before my 1st " on the floor shift" I tried on my uniform ( I wasn't able to try it on earlier due to time constraints), it didn't fit, the pants would not do up and the shirt have gaps between the buttons due to pulling.
I looked at the size, it was 2 sizes smaller than what was suppose to have been ordered. UGH! So I put on the shirt with a bra that made the gaps pretty much unnoticeable..and a pair of black dress pants. The uniform should have dark brown pants, but I thought I might be able to get to work, just until I get replacement parts.

So off to work I went.

I get there. The manager had not noticed I wasn't wearing the correct pants until I said " oh by the way the pants didn't fit" she took a double look at the pants I had on and said "sorry but you can't work in those you will need to go home"

So i missed out on the 4 hours I was scheduled for that day, and the 4 for the next day.

GREAT just what somebody who has been out of work for 4 months needs ..no income!

Then I was told we will call you when it comes it, and I'll let you know what your schedule is"

She finally calls me back.. okay the uniform should be there on Tuesday and you work Weds, Thurs and Friday, and Sunday.

I called yesterday to see in the uniform showed up, still no uniform...I was told that the person who delivers them would be there today (weds) Well I get to work today....NO UNIFORM!!! they where going to send me home again when I suggested finishing off the training vids I had not gotten to yet.

I was hoping in that time my uniform would arrive and then I could finish out my shift. Well no such luck. My 8 hour day was only a 2 hour day and I have no idea if I'll be working tomorrow or not.
I'm suppose to "get a phone call today" to let me know. So I will be loosing even MORE time I can NOT afford to loose.

I am sooo frustrated.

I offered to go and get the uniform from where ever it is but they said it is from out of town and I couldn't.

I am at wits end!!! I am ready to scream!!!

Oh and to top that off I MAY be making a dollar less than I thought I'd be making.... OOOOOH AWESOME!

I feel like the harder I try, the harder I get booted down. I'm just going to stop trying at this rate.

Hum-drum?? I think not.

2011-06-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning and doing the normal boring everyday mom chores. I get a call from my friend.

He said “What are you doing?”

I said, “Cleaning why?”

He said, “Wanna be in a commercial?”

I said “Sure”

So he came over. Picked me up and we walked down to “The slot car place”.

Shaw cable was filming a commercial for them and the owner wanted people to come and play games and have fun.

Pretty much generally do what normally happens there.

Some people did slot-car racing, some played magic the gathering, others just hung out. There are tons of games old and new. They have many things there…tons of lego, all types of games (both board, role playing) and other collectible type toys and models. It is attached to a candy store too.

It is where we have our son’s b-day party. It was a great price too.

So John, Derek and I all sat and played a game of “Munchkin” while the filming happened. I have zero idea if I will show up in the commercial, but it was fun having something not so hum-drum happened on a rather hum-drum day.

Life's little moments

2011-05-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well the other day I was sitting watching TV when I heard “MMOOOMMMM, MMOOOMMMMMM??” I looked over to see my daughter all tangled up in her bike lock (she had her head and leg both looped through the locked bike lock.) So before I helped her I did what any other good mother would do. I took a picture. Then I started thinking about the funny things that have embarrassed me over the years…Which I will now share with you.

***********

Embarrassment 1

I once lipped off a whole soccer field of boys13-15 years old (which was my age group at the time). Saying things like "You guys are lame”, “You don’t know how to play”, "If I wasn’t in a skirt I’d show ya".(I used to be very athletic in my youth) anyways insert UNCLE BEN’S INSTANT KARMA here.

No sooner had the lipping off left my mouth I suddenly slipped on the grassy slope of the field. Sliding down that slope of my back made my denim skirt turn inside out and up over my waist. Waist down was utterly exposed with my nylons and underpants freshly filled with big, globby, gooey, chunks of mud and grass.

I look up to see a field full of boys with their mouths a gape.....
For about 2 seconds.....
Then I see them all doubling over in laughter as one of them yelled “YA LORNA YOU SURE SHOWED US!!!”
Scrambling up what was left of my battered pride I pulled my skirt back into place…and left for the girls bathroom as my friend ran and borrow gym strip from somebody I could borrow.

***********

Embarrassment 2

Another time I was with some buddies (guys) pub hoping on a Friday or Sat night, it was my friend Ken’s b-day. It was me and 5 guys…somehow I always landed up being the only girl amongst guys.
Well Ken wanted to go to a stripper bar. Since it was his birthday and I was totally out voted (even without a vote even taking place) we went to see strippers. We found ourselves in the OH SO CLASSY “Flamingo” in Surrey.

I had been in a stripper bar before because I used to work in a hotel that had one and I’d occasionally have to get stuff out of that part of the bar when it was open.

But I had never been to a stripper bar for entertainment. I thought to myself,

“Okay I’m cool... just one of the guys…I can take it…”

OF COURSE Ken wanted to sit in what he called “Gyno row” (right at the stage)

Again I thought “Okay I can do this no problem”

Well the stripper came out and was working her routine…everything was fine we all got a drink and we had been chatting. I had made sure my head was turned away from the stage…looking at the guys I was with because I didn't want to stare (or seem like I was gawking) Everything was fine...
UNTIL….

She noticed me NOT actually looking AT her AT ALL. (the place was FULL btw).
So she stops dead in the middle of her act, stands up, then looks RIGHT AT ME, and says “I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING DISGUSTING YOU KNOW!!! YOU CAN LOOK!!”.
The ENTIRE room looked at ME! Then in a drunken, horny, hooting, fashion with various yelling and what not they voice their agreement with her.

I was SOOO red faced….and speechless.

My buddy Ken was laughing so hard (along with the other guys in our group…Ken managed to spit out amidst the laughing that I had just given him the BEST b-day gift ever, getting the opportunity to see me HUGELY embarrassed and speechless. Him and the guys howled on and off about that for the rest of the night.

************

Embarrassment 3

You know when you are out with a group of your friends and you see somebody who is ….kind of androgynous looking. Well again I was out with my buddy Ken and some other guys we knew. We where at “The Pantry” in Newton (this was quite a number of years ago) There was a server there who was very androgynous, we had been sitting there for quite a while drinking coffee and chit chattin’ everytime the server came into the room I would look and try to figure out “is that a guy in drag or is it a chick?” Either way makes no-never-mind to me but my curiosity was burning my brain. Ken noticed I was rather quiet and asked me, “What’s up”

I whispered to him…”Is that a guy or a girl?” Ken looked and shrugged, and went back to chatting…

Out of nowhere the server came over to our table (she wasn’t our sever) and leans over to me with her husky body builder frame and her very square chiselled looking jaw. She looked right in my face, and asked in a masculine female-ish voice said “DO YOU THINK I’M A MAN?”

My eyes the size of diner plates (I was terrified I was about to get my butt kicked by a body building he/she) I responded “NO, I’d never think that.”

She said, “Good because I’m not, you know” and she walked away.

I exhaled my face was HUGELY red again, Ken was again in stitches of laughter saying “twice in the same week” Which then led to the telling of “Embarrassment 2” to the other guys at the table with us.

At least this time I could laugh at it too.

Feel free to comment with an embarrassing story you may have.

A day in the life of my family

2011-05-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

A day in the life of my family,

It started out with a job interview, all the way in Abbotsford. I thought it was a full interview. The interviewer told me that out of 140 resumes I was one of 12 interviews, which he chose for a preliminary interview. (1 of 11 as the person before me didn’t show) So now I have to wait and see if I will become 1 of 3 or 4 for the actual interview. I will not know for at least a week possibly two. I hope so; it looks like a REALLY COOL place to work. I do not want to say anything more regarding the actual job as I hope not to jinx it.

So during the interview I stumped the interviewer by asking about what the benefit package might be, I have no idea if that was a good thing or not. The job would be 8:30ish to 5:30ish (they hadn’t firmed up the exact times they wanted) but the atmosphere was really cool.

After the riding the emotional roller coaster of gearing up for and interview. Then the stress of trying to think of what I could do to improve my chances for the possible upcoming interview. Then the realization that I will not know for sure if I even needed to worry about that for a couple of weeks, (Which will feel like FOREVER.) and the downer that comes with that.

Cameron and I came home and got a chance to finally mow the grass. It is WRONG that one week’s growth looks like 3 weeks. Anyhow after that we sat out on the lawn and I watched Cameron read the paper. I had been reading a paper too, but my paper was WAY smaller and had no comics….so I got bored pretty quickly.

Cameron had the great idea that after the kids come home from we go to the lake for a picnic supper. It was an AWESOME idea. We told the kids where we were going and OF COURSE they wanted to go swimming. We told them “It’s going to be cold, but if you want to you can go swimming”.

I tell you nothing is more entertaining than watching your children learn one of life’s lovely lessons.

First it was Nigel he was itching something wicked to get in the water. So he goes trundling down the dock in his swim suit ready for the first dip of the season. He jumped in…. he shouted out from the cold, his eyeballs the size of pie plates….I wished I’d brought a camera…… it looked like his skin wanted to crawl inward. But he was ooooh so determined to swim, so stubborn him kept right on swimming he had a great ol’ frozen time.

Then it was Sadie’s turn. She was more methodical with her entry. She walked all the way up to her belly button. Then she decided okay I’ll dunk all the way in….well again we were not disappointed ….She screamed and did a jig dance type thing and her eyeballs where the size of grapefruits, which was harder to see because she had purple goggles on….but her like her brother was determined to swim. So she did.

We had a lovely evening. Way better than sitting at home in front of a glowing box, and only one incident with Sadie falling off the trolley platform.

She was riding the trolley and in her OH SO GRACEFUL way as she tried to land on the platform. Instead she landed on the platform, but then in a slow motion flailly type movement she then she slid right off the thing. . At first Cameron and I had been giggling because she looked so gangly and uncoordinated before she had got to the platform (which we had thought she had been doing on purpose) Cameron and I watched her as she kept on going right on the side of the platform, but were helpless to stop the scene that unfolded before our eyes.

We both ran over because at first she’d looked like she may have broken her arm (the way she’d landed on it) but after checking her over all she had was a tiny scrape to her ankle and some bruised pride. With some Mom and Dad love she felt better. We all got in the car, went home to clean up and put the kids to bed. That was pretty much my day.

Simple explanation of gaming and my first experience being the GM

2011-05-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well I finally took the PLUNGE

Last night I was a GM.
For those of you not "in the know" that is a "game master" for a role playing game some people refer to it as a DM (dungeon master) but as we were not playing D&D at the time. I prefer to use GM in this instance.

We were playing a game called "Pathfinder" which is the same sort of premise as D&D, but the rules and creators are different.

I'll give you a very simplistic and basic run down of what it is (for those who have never played before)

A group of people sit around and "speak" a story. They use rule books for structure or the world and continuity of the game and character creation and each person plays a main character in the story.
When playing we determine if actions, such as climbing, figthing, or spell casting are successful by the roll of a dice. Depending on how you build your character you will have bonuses to various rolls. (so if your character is a thief you will usually get extra points to be able to pick locks, or be sneaky and other thiefy skills)

There are groups who will dress up like their characters. Sometimes they even run around in the forest/park or a city (depending on what game they are playing). Those people are usually doing "live action role playing" (Larp'ing") That isn't what we do. We are just sitting in a living room or a kitchen.... kinda like playing a board game,but without a board.

Anyhow,

What the GM does is they are sort of the narrator for the adventure. They set up the story and they are the referee...because even though there are rule books the "interpretation" isn't always the same from reader to reader.

Each person playing has a character sheet. On that sheet they make themselves a character. They pick the race (elven, dwarven, human etc). They have what the character does, it called "class". This is like the speciality or can be looked at like their occupation. They also have "special feats" (abilities that you get to pick that makes your character special. On that sheet they have a list of their gear and spells (as applicable)

Well back to the original reason for this post. I have gamed since 1993 various different games, but I have never been the GM. Last night I was the GM I hadn't been nervous about it until just before the game starting. My start was kinda shaky, as I had spent all my time designing the dungeon....sadly I had forgotten to figure out how to get them TO that dungeon.

As the game progressed I feel I got better, especially at handling the random stuffs the players did. I few times I thought I had put my group up against too strong of a creature ..but they managed to squeak through each time.

I do have to figure out how to be able to get more descriptive when it comes to battles. So instead of saying "what did you roll I rolled BLAH" I need to say things like "your sword sliced through the giant fly traps vine like a knife through butter." or "your sword bounced off of the dragon , not even denting a scale"

I think they guys had a good time. I didn't get a whole lot of feed back at least not as much as I'd have liked.

I hope I do even better next game but I'll have to wait and see.

A filk

2010-03-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

This is a filk I was inspired to write when I saw a bunch of chruch people holding signs on the street corner that were trying to "guilt you" to the Lord.

Do not get me wrong I love god, I just feel their time could have meant more to somebody by doing real outreach. Helping people in need, rather than making themselves feel good by making everybody else feel lousy.

Sang to the tune of "Yes Jesus loves me"

Jesus loves me, but not you,
You don’t do the things I do;
Shame on you, So look at thee,
You are weak, and not like me
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
You’ll do the things I do

Jesus loves me! You will fry,
But to save you, I will try;
I will tell you what’s a sin,
Then you be as good as in;
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
You’ll do the things I do.

Jesus loves me! You, he will,
Though you’re full of sin and swill;
Sinner repent or else you’ll burn,
Lord’s good grace from you I’ll earn;
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
You’ll do the things I do!

Jesus loves me! This I say,
I will come ‘n’ guide your way
He's prepared a home for me,
Won’t let you wreck it for me;
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Better do the things I do!

Did He?

2009-06-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well on Sunday. I had some very strange signs… I guess they are signs...I do not know I’ll just sound crazy to everybody..... So I’ll just tell you what happened.

After months of not going to church, something in my gut had been telling me to go …I had to get there…at the time I do not know why but I knew I just had to go.

While sitting there in the church listening to the sermon about a subject I had been struggling with in my day to day life for the last few months. I realized the very moment I was looking at. The minister …what he was saying word for word… what he was wearing… where he was standing……how he gestured.

I had a dream of him doing and saying those exact things a few days earlier….So much so it was to the point I knew what he was going to say next. It lasted about ten minutes.

I was flabbergasted.

So after crying and listening to the rest of the sermon we left church. We went about our day. I must have looked a wreck… Cameron kept asking me what was wrong. I had told him about the dream. I do not know if he understood how muchit effected me. I have had the odd dream before of dreaming and instance but usually only a few seconds and never THAT clearly, usually more of a "remembering after the fact" instead of realizing while it was still happenng. I am not sure why that had happened and that was partly why I was SOOO moved.

Out to my mom’s to get Nigel. Then out to Cameron’s Mom’s for Sunday supper and Sadie’s b-day cake. After dinner and chatting we headed home.

Now I know I have said I have had epiphanies on the way home from Surrey before, but nothing like this.

As we were driving I was watching the clouds float by…

Then I realized the clouds were looking back.

I turned to Cameron and said “look at that cloud it looks like and EYE.” He agreed and said it was almost creepy how much it looked like and eye.

The first thing I thought of was God; he was watching over me. The cloud eye opened wider then dispersed. Then a little further down the road a different cloud looked like a fish, then the same cloud turned into a whale, then it turned again into an anchor. TALK ABOUT SYMBOLIZM!!!

***********this is what I researched about those symbols copy pasted from the net**************

The eye has been used to symbolize the all-seeing eye of God, and this symbol is still used today.

The fish was an early symbol of Christian faith that endures today on bumper stickers and businesses as a sign of Christian faith.

The fish is thought to have been chosen by the early Christians for several reasons:

the Greek word for fish (ICHTUS), works nicely as an acrostic for "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savoir"
the fish would not be an obvious Christian symbol to persecutors
Jesus' ministry is associated with fish: he chose several fishermen to be his disciples and declared he would make them "fishers of men."
It is said that during the persecution of the early church, a Christian meeting someone new would draw a single arc in the sand. If the other person was a Christian, he or she would complete the drawing of a fish with a second arc. If the second person was not a Christian, the ambiguity of the half-symbol would not reveal the first person as a Christian.

The whale Jonah, whose three days in the belly of the whale pre-figured the interval between Christ's death and Resurrection.

For most people, dreaming about whales is a pleasant experience. These huge water dwelling mammals may be symbolic of the connection that exists between the unconscious and conscious mind. They may represent the dreamer's level of awareness, perceptiveness, and intuition. Some think that they represent our emotional power or are messengers from the spiritual realms. If the ocean waters were turbulent, and the whale in your dream was unpredictable or on the attack, considers the emotional environment in your every day life. Under such unpleasant dream circumstances, these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.

For the historical accuracy of Jonah from both our stand-point of faith and hope, is important as it foreshadows Christ’s own death and resurrection. Christ would not have associated the single most important event in our history (his holy resurrection) to a mere fable or fairy tale. If we are to accept the teachings of Jesus Christ, as given to us from the accounts in the Gospels – then we must accept that Jonah, being swallowed by a fish, is historical fact.

Do we serve the Lord by reasoning away His majesty? Do we serve the Lord by diminishing the importance of knowing that the Lord God makes the impossible possible? We need not see the fish to know that our faith in God’s love for us gives us hope.

The anchor is a very early Christian symbol that has been found in the catacombs. It brings together the cross and the various nautical Christian symbols (fish, boat, dolphin), and it symbolizes Christian hope in Christ.

*****************END of net pasting**********************************************
What *I* felt it all means….. Well I can only give you the impressions I first had…when it all happened.

When I saw the eye I thought “I am the I am. Then I saw the eye open and it made me feel like god was telling me he was looking out for me and my family.

Then when I saw the fish it reinforced that it was god trying to talk to me…It also reminded me of sacrifice. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the greater good.

Then when it turned into the whale I thought of the story of Johan and how there will be times it is hard to follow god, but I should do it anyway.

You know those time when the world says what is the smart thing, but you know it isn’t the right thing… but our world thinks that the smart way *IS* the right way…

Like forgiving somebody who has wronged you.The world would think you a daft by not holding a grudge and stoping them from being in your life anymore.

Then when I saw the whale turn into and anchor it made me feel like he was saying when I follow his way that he would be the anchor for me in trouble waters…He would ground me when the world is turbulent.

Reading the meanings I also feel that it may be some more insight.

I also feel he was trying to tell me my anxiety disorder has been a HUGE stumbling block in me going to church… ”these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.” I think he was telling me he will be my anchor through the mental turmoil my brain puts me through.

This was quite an emotional day….at least for me. But then again I’m crazy...at least to this world.

Maggot

2008-09-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

An egg
Tiny
Benign
Hatches

You maggot
You grow and fester in me
You are alive and wriggling
Eating me from the inside out.
You grow and grow.

You fly
Buzzing around in my ear
It is deafening
Make me crazy
I swat and miss
Swat and miss again
I can’t get rid of you

You lay more eggs
Soon my body is swarming with the eggs you planted
I have no control,
I swat and fight
I hate you.

Sometimes it looks like I’m winning
But I’m just failing
Floundering
You can’t help me
You do not see them
You do not understand
With that you inadvertently help them.

I’m riddled with maggots
I am over whelmed.
Always they are there
I can hear them wriggling
It is like screaming in my ears

They eat away at my insides
I am only clean white bones of what I was

At least I’m thin now.

the Olympic memory

2008-08-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

It is funny how your kids can spark a happy memory that they had no idea about the time they sparking the memories to.

I'll give you a map to that sentence.
What I mean is my daughter was sitting here and she DESPERATELY wanted to watch the summer Olympics. So I caved and let her. ( I'm not a HUGE fan myself)

Instantly while watching it my brain rushes back in time to before she was born, back when Cameron and I got out first place together.

We had no money. The apartment was small, (It was in the west end of down town Vancouver). It had a weird green light bulb in the dining room. We had no money, I was going to school ( VCC) and Cameron was just getting over a strike. Both of our mom's gave us groceries ( care packages) for our move out together. Both of them included a 2kg bag of peas each, and we had also bought a bag 2 kg bag of peas....We ate peas forever (Cameron is still sick of peas to this day)

The reason the Olympics remind me of all that is because we had no cable and we only got one channel ....the mother corp. CBC and what did they have on almost ALWAYS?? the Olympics!

I remember walking up the back alley to the back of my building and seeing Cameron's goofy grin, and him waving like a maniac from our microscopic kitchen (honestly I think the bathroom was bigger, and that you had to step into the tub to open the door to get out)

Those were some hard and wonderful times.

That was the apt we lived in when Cameron asked me to marry him. We had been farting around walking around the west end, checking out the "open houses" (mostly just to see what in insides of other places looked like, and to get free dough nuts). I had a vanilla latte (big shock there.... I know) We where just walking down the road and he turned me to give me a kiss, and after the kiss he looked at me and said "will you marry me".

You could have knocked me down with a feather.

I could have burst.

He told me later that he had planned to do a huge do ...banners and all...and have a ring in hand, but he got SOOO excited he just had to ask right there right then.
When he did get my engagement ring he did bring it to me at work and sang to me in the court yard in the front of the building....

You know I ~~HATE~~ country music, but I ABSOLUTLY LOVE hearing Cameron sing. Him singing to me means more than he'll ever know....He puts so much of himself into it you can't help but feel moved...Like he is reaching out with his heart and soul for my heart and soul.

So now I'm sitting here watch the Olympics again , and not wanting to but being soooooo filled of happy-go-shiny feelings from my memories, makes watching it not bad at all.

For my husband

2008-08-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

Like the air, he is around me.
He warms me when I'm cold
He cools me when I'm hot.
He is a person I love to know, I love to love.
With him I am complete
I am independent, but I do not WANT to get through this life without him.
I like him, he is my best friend, my anchor, my rock, and my shelter.
Always in my heart and always in my thoughts.
When problems arise we work together making each other stronger
We walk together, our heads may turn but our steps never falter...
Even when he is far away we walk together

I'm really missing you

Long shift?

2008-08-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Roses are reds
Violets are purples
remember the girl
who speaks in circles

The weird writings a result of long shift in my van WITH internet connection WHOO HOO.

Sometimes my brain starts to wander and sometimes it even takes me with it.

Lunatic lunch

2008-08-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Do you smell it?

Feel it?

It covers me like mud

I can’t absorb it

Yet I can’t get clean

How do I get my soul clean in such a mess?

They never understand.

They can’t

They aren’t wired that way.

I have been damaged in many falls.

So I rewired myself bit by bit, as I could.

Now I only make sense to me and, maybe an open heart.

Truly open,

No hiding

No justifying

Open like a book for all who care to read.

Mud is bitter and will taint me

It taints all it touches.

Even if it is only to pick it up in order to fling it

Some always stays with you under your nails

Where you can’t see, but you are still filthy.

Never stare at yourself in a mirror to close for to long.

The flaws and filth will burn out your mind.

Do I sound like a lunatic, or a prophet?

Confucius or confusion

Everything new sounds crazy…….

Until.... it works… then it is brilliant

Insanity and brilliances are only separated by success

One has it the other doesn’t

I’m tired of being crazy; it’s somebody else’s turn.

A poem "Untitled"

2008-08-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

A single moment...
lingers...
is gone.

Forever in my mind...
burning my sanity with what if's and might have been's.

The uncertainty of my being...
questions I had answers to...
all washed away.

For a brief instant....I glimpsed all his designs
I knew god.
I knew clarity.
I knew security.
I knew my purpose.
I knew why I'm here.
I knew what he wanted of me.
I knew the lessons I should bring.

Now....
Confusion crashes over me....
Fear rapes me with wild abandon leaving me spent and disturbed
I'm cold and hurt inside and out.

I sigh......and reach for my coffee

A small update

2008-07-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

I have sooo much to say but I can’t because it isn’t all just about me…… just know I have grown and I’ve found a peace in myself and my faith that comforts me in way nothing ever has. So much I didn’t understand makes SOOO much sense now. I wish I could make others understand, but I just sound like a crazy person…so much so I get embarrassed to tell anybody. Imagine how crazy Noah looked, building a boat in a dessert…such a BIG boat, and when people asked him he said “because God told me too” but that is how the epiphany makes me feel…like if I told anybody they would be okay do you have any idea about how strange that sounds….and why would god talk to you? Why would that aspect of your life even make a real difference to god anyhow, it is soo small in the grand scheme of things. So I keep it to myself….hoping those who are close to me understand and do not think I’m a whackadoo.

I have grown a lot. I’m filled with an inner peace. I am also filled with a strange confidence in myself and certainty that was never there before. I will write more as I come up with stuff.
But there is a little teaser for now.

The man I knew

2007-09-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

I had soo much I wanted to say but I couldn't fit it all in.

James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen before his time was due
Sorrow left us feeling raw
Add in salt, the final straw .
Broken hearts, falling tears
Longing for the stolen years

A bag of shirts, smile on his face
Lead him to that warm embrace.
I learned the stories from his life
That brought him to his loving wife

An instant Dad, A guiding light
Tried to teach them wrong from right
Even when it didn't work
An upset kid can be a jerk
He could have walked at any time
But he CHOSE to tow that line.

Forgiveness he had always tried
Even at his last bedside
Petty arguments washed away
specially on his final day

I wish our children had got to see
How great a "papa" he could be
I didn't get much time with Jim
Or to say that I loved him.
James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen..... before his time was due.

What is lost

2007-08-31T12:27:00.000-07:00

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.

It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

It's over

2007-08-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

It is over, He has passed. I got the call from Cameron this evening.

My stomach hurts.

I had just texted messaged Cameron that Sadie had just looked at me and said "You wanna know what I'm thinking?? I'm thinking Papa isn't going to make it"

The first thing Cameron said to me when he called was "Sadie knew , I don't know how she knew, but she knew what was going on"

I asked "It's over" Cam said yes....

the rest of the details do not need to be shared....

I'm having a hard time...I do not want to lie to Sadie, but Cameron doesn't want me to have to deal with them learning about this on my own.

I wish I was with Cameron, I want to be there for him.

Ugh my stomach hurts and my eyes feel like they are BLEEDING from all the crying.

update on the situation

2007-08-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am home now I got home at 10 last night, Cameron's sister and brother in-law came home yesterday, so they have their two dogs home and they also can comfort their daughter in a way I never could.
It looks like my brother in-law and my nephew are staying at Laureen and Jim's place until Laureen gets back. which I'm glad for because I was worried it was just going to be my nephew by himself there.. which was hard enough for me...I don't even want to think about how hard it would be for him...so when I was told Steve would be staying with him I was relieved.

yesterday I went to Church. I love the people at my church, always there to help....Cameron had asked the minister (via phone) to say a special prayer for his dad and the whole family, but he asked if he could do it AFTER the kids had gone downstairs to Sunday school. Emery did just that he waited, which I'm glad for ...because I had had Sadie , Nigel and my niece with me. I knew when the prayer started I would not be able to keep the tears from coming. During coffee they also would come to offer "words of comfort", but would stop immediately when I darted my eyes to the kids letting the comforter know that I COULDN'T talk about it with the kids there.

Now do not get me wrong the kids will know, my niece already knows some of what is happening. But we want to wait to tell ours until he has actually passed before saying anything and we want to be together when we do it .....thank god, because I do not know how I would handle it alone, although I have no clue how well Cameron is going to be able to talk to them about it do, I'm sure he'll be good but the kids haven't really seen daddy get upset....so it may weird them out.

This has all been a bit of a shock...I mean we knew his health wasn't the best, but had no clue it was THIS bad. last week nobody would have even entertained the idea that he would be lingering on the edge of death....since Thursday our worlds have just been flipped upside down... we are trying to be more kind with the kids and break it to them very carefully, My two know that Papa is very sick and is in the hospital.

It seems like the universe is trying to help us with breaking the news to the kids. We have been watching various movies and the topic of death keeps coming up in them...a bridge to terabithia (sp?) a character dies in it and it is very very very sad (I do not want to give out details just incase you haven't seen it) it took everything I had not to cry...this not crying business is HARD...then the pokemon movie one of the little characters pokemon thingies died, and then corpse bride, all with huge scene involving death. Okay the corpse bride I was kind of expecting death type scenes but not the other two! Nigel started to cry when the pokemon died...I had to comfort him and try not to think about the conversation that we'd be having with him all TOO soon.

Then a phone call came in it was my friend, she asked if I'd be up for her to pop by for a tea..I said sure..

I'm sitting at the computer when the door bell just started ringing ringing ringing. ( a trademark of one of my other friends Marion) So I figured oh Marion has popped by...

I open the door to see Stacey , Marion and Mama (her nickname it is Marion's mom who is kind of motherly to everybody) Mama was holding a card, gladiolas, and they brought arm loads of "casseroles" to help out while we are having such a sorrow filled time.

I have never been moved so many times but the kind acts of others as I have been being during this time. I must say I'm surprised and thankful. it doesn't take the hurting and sorrow away but it does give you hope and faith, which is what everybody needs specially at times like this

The inevitable....

2007-08-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.

I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house

What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.

My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.

I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.

Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.

I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.

I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.

All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.

I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.

Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)

On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.

Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.

Can't wait until next year

2007-08-09T01:21:00.000-07:00

WOW did I have fun at Clinton wars!!!

There was lots of dirty bad fun, and really only I know EXACTLY how dirty or bad I was.
Well Cameron and I know...........I told him everything and anything *I* did, however not everything that people may have done near me. " WHAT HAPPENS IN CLINTON STAYS AT CLINTON!!! " ( As I hear a sigh of relief from those who were DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY monkeys and are reading this MUHAHAHAHA)

What can I say I haven't had THAT much fun since I was a single piss tank living to be a "weekend warrior".

I'M STILL A WARRIOR!!!!

However instead of a weekend one.... I will be an "at least a yearly warrior" for sure.... I am just hoping that I can get to next year's Clinton... but I'm sure if I talk to my family NOW we can make it happen for THEN.

I had quite a few funny things happen on my holiday....all must be told in person...one was "the bra thrust story" you'll laugh , you'll cry ... you'll wonder how I can been seen in public with my head up :)

Jamison (Cameron), Elspeth (Mellissa), Aine ( danni) and myself (my SCA name Constance) are all in a Order we invented for shits and giggles.
We are the "order of the dirty dirty dirty" which we call "ODD D" were we have the honor of awarding people with necklaces for various "deeds" some are as follows:

The H Factor necklace- ( this is for when you see something HOT) it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front for this one it is two orange and yellow beads (orange pointed in towards each other) with a hot red bead in the middle.

The Nocturnal Noises- this one if for if you hear somebody getting frisky in the wee smalls of the night. It is denoted by a it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front either is two black beads with either a blue (for males) or a Red (for female) mind you the one we handed out THIS weekend had a red bead on either side and three black beads in the middle... but we realized that would not be as effective as doing it the other way

There are a few others that there are, but since I do not have the list, so it is hard for me to write it all down.. However I AM trying to get to a point.. each of us members have our own "favor" necklace. This is a necklace that has a bead of our choice (our favorite bead that speaks of our personality or just our favorite colour, mine is a cobalt blue glass bead) This necklace is given out to the person or people who just "made your event" it doesn't have to be in a dirty way either.

This weekend I gave out my "favor necklace" to somebody who helped make me feel like I was finally "IN" with the WHOLE shire....made me feel like I was actually part of the entire shire and not a by stander. This person would wait for me when I straggled, call me by my name, include me in the "we are all freezing our butts off huddle by the fire", and made sure that when we spoke in a circle of people that other people were not putting themselves between me and the group thereby isolating me. (having their back to me basically cutting me off from the group, which happened ALLOT last year..not intentionally but it did)

There are very prominent key people in the shire .. I guess it would be the equivalent to "the cool popular kids" from highschool. They are the people who have been around for a long long time....
Well I was accepted by most of the "cool kids" fairly easily since I started playing. There was a certain group of people that have always been very well respected, however they rarely if ever spoke to me....which made me feel awkward especially in a group if I said something and they didn't respond at all.

This Clinton that changed... I went from last year feeling like a shadow following a couple of people, just hoping to be introduced and NOT forgotten (which most of the times the introductions never happened...and I felt even more forgotten..and more like a shadow). to this year feeling like an independent social butterfly.

This year was SO different I was able to walk around and find people on my own. I didn't need to be "following" anybody (for lack of not knowing where to go or what to do). I didn't have to stay GLUED to the people I came with (if I didn't feel like doing whatever it was that they were doing). I even got HUGS!! I got spoken too, repeatedly...and I was able to be more myself around everybody and not utterly paralyzed from fear of doing "the wrong thing". A big part of this I feel was that special somebody who took the extra time and effort to include me even though they didn't know me very well. Again thank you. ** HUGS**

Before any of the other people that I dearly care for in the SCA get there nose out of joint. This post IS NOT intended to make how you guys make me feel any less valuable if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to have even gone to Clinton last year..and I thank you guys for that, and for the support and friendship that you have shown me.

This Clinton was the closest I have gotten to "the real me" the before my "anxiety disorder Lorna" I have been in a long long time...I do not know why I became so afraid....it SO isn't me.
This last weekend has given me a new energy and confidence back that I used to have. It made me feel powerful. I LIKE THAT FEELING!!!
I am thinking if I get enough courage that I MAY take up a fighting style ( heavy or rapier) which one...I haven't decided yet. I have no clue which I would be any good at, if any. I wish there was a way I could be tested without having to foot the bill for the gear first.

if next Clinton is anything like this Clinton I'm going to have a hard time waiting an entire year!

Why didn't I think of this. No... Wait... I DID!

2007-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

The below was yanked from an email *I* sent my friend who is having some issuses...I took out anything that could id the friend so I could use this to make my point.
*********************

"If you think you are pretty then you are...really if one person came up to you and said "hey you look pretty today" you would be on the top of the world right?? WHY can't that one person be you? Once you feel better about you..you will find more people around you feel better about you.

Fake it till you make it.

Self esteem is just that something ONLY you yourSELF can give to you....it will not matter what ANYBODY around you does. If you do not give it to yourSELF you will not have it....no matter if you land that great guy....... infact eventually it would push him away because having no self esteem is like a black hole of negativity it sucks all the positive energy down and leave everybody around it with the negative.

You have allot going for you. I challenge you to sit down on your next blog entry and write 50 things that are positive about yourself. and if you have trouble I can help you.

We have been polluted into thinking "if I think something nice about myself I'm being vain" and that is the WORST thing in the world. It is not vain to have confidence Vain is thinking you are better than others...but thinking you are good is NOT the same thing now is it?
and here is another part of my challenge I want you to wear an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you"compare" yourself to somebody else in anyway. be it looks, togetherness, skill, WHATEVER snap it...you will be surprised how often seeking somebody else achieve makes up feel bad...This is self conditioning, every time you do it snap the elastic the theory is that you will stop wanting to snap the band so you will stop doing that type of negative thought .

if that person has done the work they DESERVE to be good at it..or what have you....would you want to live in a world were everybody was unattractive and behaved like jerks? Of course not so celebrate there differences and their successes, feeling envy will fill your heart and soul with negative emotions which will seep from you like sweat and stink 10X as bad

You are doing the work on yourself ...so the challenge . POST 50 things good about yourself no matter how small. and the elastic band on wrist to stop comparing to others.....and here is one more thing every morning when you do you "wake up rituals" look in the mirror and say "I am a good person who has alot to offer the world and I will make the most out of today". ( here is the tricky bit believe in it too!"

*********end quote********

Have you ever had a moment when the light turned on ( I'm certain most of you have) Has it ever been gaining insight into what you need to do when advising a friend? This happened to me. All the stuff above was stuff I had written my friend who is having troubles...as I was making the arguments and points...I realized "yeah that's right" "I need to do that too!" I guess it is good that birds of a feather flock together so we are able to take our own advice. as well as our friends :) Specially the self esteem stuff...it was stuff I KNEW but it never actually occurred to me in THAT way until I wrote it for my friend... So thank you "friend" for making me think through it.

Positive and negitive

2007-07-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.

I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...

I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...

It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.

I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..

**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**

Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"

I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.

Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.

I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).

When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.

However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.

What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.

People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.

Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.

People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...

I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?

I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much

The drives of reckoning

2007-07-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

Wow this year has been a true time of reckoning for me...

For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.

I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...

Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.

The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...

He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.

I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...

All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......

They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.

Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)

The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.

The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing

Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.

WOW how cruel was I?????....

With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh

I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.