View from the Cloud

Feeling baaad for my kid

2008-07-24T00:15:00.008-05:00

So yesterday afternoon I came home from work and noticed that $20 was missing from our kitchen counter.

Since my daughter was the only one home I asked her if she knew what happened to it. When she immediately dropped her head to avoid looking me in the eyes I knew right away she had something to do with it. Then when I pressed her about it, she eventually confessed to taking the money.

Right away I started to lay into her about trust and how I didn't appreciate that she was trying to get away with taking money from us. It was then that she finally piped up and said, "Dad, I borrowed that money so I could buy you a birthday present because I don't get my next paper route paycheck until next week. I just haven't had time to tell Mom because she's not home from work yet."

Nice.

I hope she bought me a picture frame, because I have the perfect self portrait to put in it.

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Don't feel guilty about stopping by humor-blogs.com

Calling all geeks... Calling all geeks

2008-07-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm at my wit's end here folks, and I need someone way smarter than me to figure this out.

Fortunately, according to my stats, I have an average of 200 different people reading this blog on any given day. If even one of you is geeky enough (and I use that term in only the most complimentary context) to figure out my problem I will be forever indebted to you.

And... anyone who helps me will be guaranteed a hardy public THANK YOU right here on this blog. Plus, you will get to claim this crown as your own.

Here's my problem:

Ever since I switched my domain name from "blogspot" to my own custom name, (I know... *yawwwn* did he just say "domain name?") my RSS feeds have not been registering on other people's applications.

For example... When I leave comments on blogs that use Comment Luv, my "last post" won't show up unless I format my blog name in this EXACT format.

Here's what I have to enter: http://www.viewfromthecloud.blogspot.com even though my actual domain name is www.viewfromthecloud.com

If I use any other version (meaning without the "http", the "www" or "blogspot") it simply won't work. This seems most odd to me.

Likewise, whereas every other blogger in the world shows up right away at Humor-blogs.com, my posts don't show up until about 12 hours later - or sometimes not until the next day. Even worse, sometimes they don't show up AT ALL! And since Diesel switched the scoring routine to only show posts from the current day, my latest posts are not even making it to the main page anymore. This is most disturbing.

So if you feel you can help, please leave a comment or send me an email, and I will supply you with all the technical details and passwords you want. Like I told Diesel the other day as I was whining about it for the 100th time...

I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

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Click here to see that my post is not on humor blogs. Bleh.

I Just Got Lucky!

2008-07-20T08:52:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I actually remembered to pay my license tabs this year before I got pulled over and issued a ticket. This is a big deal for me.

For some reason, I'm not very good at this particular task.

Ok, that's an understatement... I suck at it. And as proof of that, here's the online payment history of when I've paid my tabs over the last few years... the tabs that are due on June 1st mind you.

This year: Only 51 days late.
Last year: Only 25 days late, which is ridiculous considering that the year before I was 89 days late and busted for it - resulting in a $100 fine. Although I did get this story out of it so it wasn't a total waste of money.

I don't know why this is such a problem for me. But I do have a list of excuses for why this isn't totally my fault.

1. They send the reminder notice 6 weeks in advance.
Like you're not going to file this away in your kitchen junk drawer to be dealt with later when it's really time to pay them. The same drawer that contains a rebate check from Colgate from 2005.

2. I have 4 different vehicles that need registration - all at different times.
I can't remember that many things. Who do they think I am... Rain Man?

3. The little tab sticker thingy is only 1" high and is way down on the lower corner of my license plate.
The last time I looked down there was after I thought I had hit a cat and was worried that there might be guts splattered on my bumper. Fortunately I didn't hit it, because I hate having to clean up that kind of mess.

Anyway, no worries now. I've paid my tabs and I'm in the clear. For this vehicle. For this month. I'm sure I've got plenty of time before anything is due on the other ones.

Now, about those insurance premiums...

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Click here to help people not forget about ME!

My Wife is a Hottie

2008-07-18T07:18:00.012-05:00

Dateline: Last night, 2:27 A.M.

As I slumber peacefully, awash in blissful dreams of scantily-clad Korg Tritons, my fantasies are suddenly crushed as my bed explodes into a violent disruption of blankets being ripped from the bed and thrown onto the floor.

"WHOOMPH!"

"What the hell?! What's going on?!!!" I shout as I sit straight up, COMPLETELY uncovered and freezing my ass off.

"It's hot in here" my wife moans - and not in the seductive way that would have made being jolted awake at this hour worth it.

This is not the first time this scene has played out this way. Over the last year or so I've been jarred awake several times as Charli suddenly deems it "too hot" in our bed (of course she is sleeping next to me... duh) and decides she has to have the blankets off... NOW!

I know hot flashes in middle aged women are a normal thing, but the problem is, no one else is experiencing the same thing at the same time. And this can be problematic.

For example, the other day we took a little trip up to Duluth in our car and Charli had the air conditioning blasting on full arctic freeze mode. Poor Roseanna was in the back seat wearing a hooded sweatshirt and cowering under a picnic blanket while my knees were turning numb from the Alberta clippers emitting from the dashboard vents.

And our house is no different either. Fortunately we can't put our overhead fan on high in our bedroom because the blades are out of balance and it wobbles so violently I'm afraid it's going to break free from the ceiling and decapitate us while we sleep.

I've now taken to building a little blanket cocoon in our bed where only I get the bedspread and comforter but the sheet still goes across both of us.

But I take solace in knowing that I'm not alone with this issue. Why just yesterday Jay wrote the exact same thing about how she thought she was going to spontaneously combust.

So we're working on it. Charli keeps the house a cool 42 degrees and the rest of us huddle around each other for warmth. It's a beautiful thing actually.

My kids haven't asked for this many hugs in years.

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Burst into laughter at humor blogs!

You Give, I Give

2008-07-17T14:04:00.000-05:00

This is a post about giving, whereas I will give something if you give something.

Let's start with you.

If you look on my sidebar, you'll notice that I've been sporting this badge for the last 8 months about The Joseph Salmon Trust. This fund is being sponsored by my good friend Dan who has taken the initiative to help raise money for his good friends Neil and Rachel.

Here, in Dan's own words, is what the charity is about:

Two years ago our friends Neil and Rachel’s three year old son, Joseph, passed away in his sleep. This year they set up a charity in his memory. Grieving families have enough to deal with without worries about where they will find the money to say goodbye to their child. The Joseph Salmon Trust will give financial assistance, helping pay for things like the funeral and the gravestone.

In response to this tragedy, Dan has organized a charity walk where he and 9 of his friends will walk 78 miles next week to raise money for this worthy cause (must resist temptation to do Pounds/mile joke).

Please stop by here and here to read more about it.

To date, through the generosity of bloggers like you, Dan has raised nearly $4000! This is indeed a great thing, but he would really like to make his target goal of $5000.

Here's where you come in...

Everyone who donates $10 or more to the Joseph Salmon Trust here will get entered into a drawing for a brand new Schick Quattro Titanium Razor/Trimmer.

Did you hear that... it's titanium people! Plus it has 4 blades, an edging blade* AND a super cool 4-way adjustable electric trimmer on the handle. I've been using one for awhile now and I have to say it's a pretty slick Schick, no shit. (say that 10x real fast)

Anyway, this is a $12 value so a $10 donation is actually a deal. Just leave a comment that says you've contributed and I'll put your name in the hat.

So there you have it... you give, I give - just like the title says. I will appreciate it and Dan will appreciate it.

But Neil and Rachel will appreciate it the most.

*not for use on lawns or hedges

Wanted: Your witty reponses

2008-07-16T08:08:00.012-05:00

What has happened to people?

When did it become OK to turn into an asshat simply because someone called your phone when you weren't around?

Last night my cell phone rang and suddenly I was engaged in this ridiculous conversation:

Me: Hello

Asshat: WHO IS THIS!

Me: Uh, this is Jeff. Who's calling please?

Asshat: YOU CALLED MY PHONE! WHO IS THIS!

Me: No, your number doesn't look familiar. Maybe it was one of my kids. Who's calling please?

Asshat: *click*

So what, now it's a crime to call someone who doesn't know who you are? Or accidentally dial a wrong number?

Oh, but if only I was more of a jerk. It would have been SO fun to lower myself to his level and let him know how much of a tool he really is. But alas, I'm a nice guy AND I wasn't prepared to be greeted that way, so I didn't have any witty responses in my back pocket.

I dunno, maybe you can help supply a good reply phrase to quickly shut down people who start their calls with "WHO IS THIS!" I'm sure this has happened to you. It happens to someone in our family about once a week.

The funny thing is, I checked my entire outgoing calls history and have no record of ever having called him. Plus, when I looked his number up on Whitepages.com, it showed up as a land line. Therefore, the moron probably saw a number come in on his caller ID, and then while trying to call it back misdialed it and called me by mistake. So that would make him a moron squared.

And if I was half the asshat he is, I would publish his number here and ask all of you to call him as well, and then hang up.

That would keep him busy for awhile.

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The right number for laughs is at this humor blog!

A Blogger Challenge!

2008-07-14T11:08:00.004-05:00

Brent from Ominous Comma was ~~smart~~ kind enough to include me in his latest blog challenge...

"Write a funny post that includes an actual and helpful technical blogging tip or educational material helpful to new bloggers."

And somehow, he was clever enough to disguise this as a "challenge" and not as a meme. He even says so right in his post: "Please note that this is not a meme."

How can you argue with that?

And because I'm naive enough to be flattered by my inclusion in this challenge, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Therefore, here is my contribution of:

5 Helpful Tips for New Humor Bloggers

1. Don't take yourself too seriously

Self-deprecation sells. People love to read about how much of an idiot you are. It makes them feel normal.

Take Kathy for example - she has self-deprecation down to a science. Here's one of my favorite posts, where she somehow manages to get herself lost in her own neighborhood. And this post, where her nurse used her butt as a table. And even her latest post where she shuts herself in her husband's hot car while she tries to figure out how to start it. These are funny stories!

Now don't get me wrong... I'm not saying Kathy is an idiot, I'm just saying that she's really good at exposing her human side (or fleshy side in the case of her butt post) for the sake of a laugh. You gotta love her for that.

2. Know your limitations

You often hear bloggers say, "Write what you know about." But the flip side of that is true too. Don't write what you don't know about. I know it sounds like the same thing but there is a difference.

For example, I once thought about writing a strictly potato blog. That's right, a blog about all things potato. But then I quickly realized I was no competition for the other high profile potato bloggers already out there:

P. Head
Ida the Ho
(the late) Tim Russert

Another example of knowing my limitations was knowing I could never come up with more than 5 items for this post.

3. Hang around with a lot of unfunny people

The same way that hanging out with stupid people, or preschoolers makes you look really smart. I'm not saying this is what I do, but it is a proven strategy that you can employ.

4. Give away a lot of free crap

Ok, this doesn't have anything to do with writing a successful humor blog, but DAMN - it sure attracts a lot of visitors!

5. Don't abuse the privilege!

As a blogger, you have a responsibility to publish good material. The biggest mistake some new bloggers make is thinking they're "just another blog" and that simply throwing some mundane crap out there will be good enough. They couldn't be farther from the truth. Read this post to learn why bloggers are now being looked at as the newest social heroes. It'll change the way you look at yourself.

So there you have it... 5 tips for new bloggers.

If you're interested in participating in this ~~meme~~ challenge, here's all you have to do - according to Brent:

Write a funny post that includes an actual and helpful technical blogging tip or educational material helpful to new bloggers.
Challenge five other experienced bloggers of funniness.
Post it. (You thought I would overlook that little technicality, didn’t you?)
Link and badge up if you so desire.

And so, because I am a man of my word, I will challenge 5 very funny bloggers whose opinions I think we could all benefit from:

Kathy from The Junk Drawer
JD from I Do Things
VE from VE's Fantastical Nonsense
Marie from Memarie Lane
Maureen from I'd Rather Be Blogging

And because Brent said it so well himself, I will simply restate how he ended his post:

As always you don’t have to be handpicked by myself to answer this challenge, every blogger I know is always on the lookout for new ideas to write about and here I have provided one for you free of charge.

Will you rise to the challenge or grovel on the couch of…not-rising-ness?

The choice is yours.

Remember, even though it comes with a badge and backlinks, and is foisted upon you like a highschool chemistry lab partner, that doesn’t make it a meme.

It’s a challenge.

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I challenge you to stop by this humor blog!

Pop

2008-07-12T08:57:00.008-05:00

In my recent post, A Waste of Money-sota, Sarah (the infamous no-show from my Driving Sideways book giveaway contest) left this controversial comment:

Jeff i have a question for you. i visited MN recently and got into a discussion on pop vs. soda and was wondering what do you refer to the carbonated beverage as?

my points of the discussion are as follows:
- Pop is what you call your dad
- You pop a balloon
-(my favorite) "POP" is what the weasel does!

Thanks for your two cents
-Sarah

p.s. i still haven't received the book

To which I replied:

sarah - We call it pop here. Always have and always will. It states that in the membership package. Love your analysis though!

I decided to teach you a lesson about taking too long to check on your contest and I withheld the book from you. Either that or I misplaced it and only just found it the other day.

Oh yeah, it was the 2nd thing ;-)

Anyway, I mailed it on Thursday so you should get it any day now.

As far as I'm aware, "pop" and "soda" are the two most commonly used terms for this beverage, but once when I was in Texas I had a waitress ask me what kind of Coke I wanted.

Her: Would you like a Coke sweetheart?
Me: Sure.
Her: What kind would you like darlin?
Me: Just regular is fine.
Her: Regular what dear... cola, 7-UP, Mountain Dew? What kind of Coke do you want?
Me: ???

And another time when I was on the east coast, I decided to not show my true Midwest colors and wisely asked the bartender for a soda, thinking that was supposed to be the term of choice. But before I could indicate what kind of soda I wanted, he promptly filled up a glass with carbonated seltzer water and handed it to me. Bleh!

So this brings up the very same important question for all of you.

What do they call "pop" where you live?

__ Pop
__ Soda
__ Soft drink
__ Other (please state)

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Hey, go ahead and pop on over to the funniest blog going!

High School Snoozicle Too

2008-07-10T12:49:00.014-05:00

My dad is 6'4" so it stands to reason that his kids would end up fairly tall as well.

But as of my 9th grade this wasn't the case. Sure my sister was a bit taller than average for a girl, but my older brother was shorter than average - and I was just plain average.

But then something changed big time. Almost to the day I started the summer vacation after 9th grade my body started changing. Suddenly I couldn't eat enough, I was tired all.the.time. and I was bursting out of my pants like Bruce Banner on a bad day. Except of course instead of looking like the Incredible Hulk I looked more like Alfalfa, but that's not the point.

The point is, I grew a full 6 inches that summer and my body was taking a beating.

Sometime around mid summer I began to wake up in the middle of the night with severe calf cramps and as I would lie there screaming in pain, my loving mom would come rushing into my bedroom to help work them out. God bless her for that.

But instead of enjoying my newfound height, I felt like a freak. Like a human giraffe. Ironically it was only a year later that John Merrick cried out in angst: "I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!" I know of which he spoke.

So why am I telling you this story?

Because now that Charli is working every day and not waking the kids up in the morning, THIS is what I come home to at lunch time.

Still asleep from the night before

Every day.

Yes, Austin is doing the same thing - minus the leg cramps (so far). He eats like a horse, and just like I did, sleeps about 12 hours a night. And he's sprouting like a weed too. I know this because I'm one of those dorky parents who keeps growth measurements on the closet door frame - and since May, he has been growing at the rate of one inch per month.

Still, even though I'm sympathetic to his plight, I can't resist teasing him.

Today when I went into the living room at lunch time to wake him up for the day I pulled the blanket off of him and said... "Hey slug, time to get your butt up and get ready for work. And try not to leave a trail of slime when you do."

He didn't laugh.

I don't think he gets me.

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Humor-blogs.com is changing too. Click here and then click the maniacal-looking smiley face like the one you see here on the left to help keep me growing in popularity over there. Thanks!

You have no idea...

2008-07-08T15:41:00.007-05:00

... how long I've waited for this moment!

This is going to be one of those personal posts that all of 4 people are going to appreciate. But since I've bored you with every other irrelevant thing that's happened to me in the last 3 years, I might as well share this too.

As a keyboard player, my job is to recreate the various keyboard and orchestral sounds you hear on the recordings of the music we cover. This is not always an easy task, especially when it comes to recreating big horn sections.

In the 80's I was in a band that had a full road crew who used to transport our gear, set it up and test it before our gigs. All I had to do was show up for a 1/2 hour to do a sound check and I was good to go. I could pretty much have as much crap as I wanted and the more I had, the better I sounded.

Here's a picture of one configuration I was using during that time.

With this kind of set up, I could configure each keyboard to have a different sound which allowed me to play complex arrangements without having to make a lot of changes.

But now that I'm old and have to move my own stuff in a Ford Taurus, I don't have the luxury of lugging around a half-ton of gear to each gig. Fortunately, technology has come to my rescue.

Nowadays, you can buy a single keyboard that contains all the sounds you need in one compact programmable package which allows you to play a single sound, layered sounds or even split sounds - all at one time on the same keyboard. But alas, these wonder machines are expensive, and playing at local nightclubs a couple of times a month just does not add up to very much cabbage.

Fortunately, I have a sympathetic and very loving wife, who has graciously donated her entire first paycheck to me. And now, after drooling over this specific keyboard for the last 5 years, I finally have my dream machine.

Korg Triton TR-76

Of course I don't know if she bought it because she loves me so dearly or to shut me up about it, since it's the only thing I ever talk about. But either way I'll take it!

And I would very much like to say THANK YOU HONEY! and let you know how much this means to me.

And if you ever want an expensive keyboard for yourself someday, I will totally be ok with that.

A Waste of Money-sota

2008-07-06T13:12:00.001-05:00

So on July 4th we loaded up the ol' Taurus and headed down to St. Paul for the 26th annual Taste of Minnesota festival.

The last time we were there was in 2005, and then one other time several years before that. The reason we came back again this year was because we had a good time in 2005. There was a wide variety of foods to sample, the booths gave away tons of free stuff, Marty Balin was in excellent voice and the fireworks were phenomenal.

But this year was all different. The prices went up on everything, Brawny was giving away paper towel samples, and the whole atmosphere was flat. It was in fact so lame, that we didn't even stay to watch the Bay City Rollers or the awesome fireworks to follow. That's pretty lame.

Nonetheless, it was good to be out with the family and getting some sunshine. Here are some shots of the day:

Same old, same old

Ok, except for this... um, I don't think so

Cool shot of the Cathedral of St. Paul

My annoyed family. Wait a minute... what is that guy in the white shirt carrying? I don't remember anyone selling turds on a stick.

This dumb little tower-drop ride cost $5, and lasted for the whole 1 second it took to drop. Hmm, wonder why there's nobody on it?

Vomit machine

Rosie and I don't really work for Sun Country. This is just a wooden sign with holes cut out for our heads. Really.

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-04T15:26:00.003-05:00

Have a great, safe and FUN weekend everyone!

What are your plans?

Chills and Thrills

2008-07-02T10:58:00.004-05:00

So this morning my wife opens up the freezer and there's a 1/2 gallon of Moose Tracks ice cream in there.

"When did we get Moose Tracks?" she asked.

And that's when I remembered hearing our kitchen door slam last night around 11:00 p.m. while I was lying in my bed watching Stephen Colbert. About 20 minutes later I heard it slam again.

Apparently during this time my boys decided they needed ice cream, and did what was necessary to make it happen.

I don't remember authorizing that transaction.

But my kids are growing up and there's really not much I can do about it - except maybe take pictures. For example, here's a picture I took last week of my 12 year old daughter jumping off a 25 foot cliff at a local swimming hole.

If Roseanna jumped off a cliff...

Yes, it really is as high as it looks. But it's also safe. This is an old granite quarry and the water is over 50 feet deep below that jump.

Even still, you won't find me trying that anytime soon... or EVER for that matter. I way prefer the less dangerous activities, such as eating Moose Tracks for example.

But hey, don't minimize the danger of doing that either...

... a guy could choke on a chocolate chip you know.

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*** Update *** I found this cool video someone made of the quarry cliff Roseanna was at. Of course the people in this video aren't necessarily as intelligent as she is about it.

Take the leap and stop over here for a really good laugh!

76 trombones did not lead this parade!

2008-06-29T19:32:00.004-05:00

In my last post I mentioned that I had a busy weekend planned - and then later in the comments revealed that my son Austin was going to be one of the Grand Marshals in St. Cloud's Granite City Days parade on Saturday (read about it in our newspaper here).

As I'm sure most of you are aware, Austin has received some very positive recognition for leading an effort to build a skateboard plaza for the youth of our city (you can follow this series of posts for more information if you're interested).

As part of that recognition, our Mayor appointed Austin and another St. Cloud teen, Alise Post (the 2006 National BMX Women's Champion) the distinct honor of being co-Grand Marshals for our annual summer festival's parade.

And, as an added bonus for the entire Lee family... my oldest and dearest blog buddy Jennine just happened to be in town covering a story for her city's newspaper (from which she was hired as a result of her first class blogging and photography skills) and stopped by for a few minutes just to meet my parents and see Austin lead the parade.

I was deeply touched by the fact that she, her husband and son, took the time to squeeze in a visit to see us even though she had to be on the other side of town only a few minutes later to start covering her event.

And thanks to Jennine, I now have this awesome photo of Alise and Austin to remember this moment.

Before the parade

After the parade commenced, I quickly headed a 1/2 mile down the street to where our chairs were set up and waiting. A few minutes later this is who I see leading the parade.

Hey... somebody get that skateboarder off the parade route!

Dad! You're embarassing me!!!

Austin was lucky though. The weather had threatened the entire day to rain during this parade, but he made it through to the end without getting wet. His sister Roseanna on the other hand wasn't so lucky. She was in position #80 out of 93 floats and the rain started coming down before her karate team even left the staging area. By the time she got to us, she was drenched.

Still in good spirits though!

Oh, and here was my brush with fame for the day...

As the usual political suspects were walking by, I saw Team Franken handing out fliers but didn't think much of it - until I turned to the right to see Al himself approaching me at a pretty fast clip. So naturally I stuck out my arm and shook his hand. I was actually surprised to see him there. I really wasn't expecting it.

He's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, people like him!

So as you can imagine, it was a pretty exciting day for everyone - rain or not. My kids were in the parade, my folks came down to visit, I got to see Jennine again, and The Receders played to a packed club later in the night - after which I didn't hit the sack until 3 a.m.

And now today I'm spent. But hopefully I can now get back to seeing what all of you fine folks are up to again. So until then...

Have a great week!

* * * * *

Update: Stop by Jennine's place to read her side of this event along with a very touching tribute to my parents.

Summer's Here

2008-06-26T21:41:00.005-05:00

Hey everyone! Miss me?

Between summer activities and being busy with work, I've pretty much put the old blog on the back burner for the last few weeks.

I'm sure you've noticed... after all, doesn't your every day revolve around whether or not I write something engaging or stop by your place and say something impossibly witty?

I thought so.

Anyway, just wanted to report in that I haven't been kidnapped by hobbits or moved to Burma.

And as if I wasn't busy enough this week, I've also got a full weekend planned - of which you'll be blessed with full details next week.

So have a great weekend everyone. And in honor of it, I'll leave you with one of my favorite summer lyrics by none other than Mr. Smooth himself - James Taylor...

Summer's here, I'm for that
Got my rubber sandals, got my straw hat
Drinkin cold beer, man I'm just glad that I'm here...
It's my favorite time of the year and I'm glad that I'm here, yeah.

My Blogger Contest Entry

2008-06-24T16:05:00.006-05:00

This is going to be short and simple. And probably not very relevant to a lot of people.

This post is actually a contest entry that Amanda from Blogger Buster is hosting where I get to list a new Blogger feature that I would like Google to implement. Everyone who participates in this contest then gets put into a drawing to win a FABULOUS prize created by Amanda, the Blogger guru herself.

Here are the rules as defined on Amanda's blog:

Write a post in your own blog explaining which feature (or features) you would most like to be able to use in Blogger, and why you would like to use it.

So here goes...

Selective Post Backup

I would like Blogger to implement an easy way to back up all selected posts to my hard drive for easy restore in the event of a major blog disaster. Over the years I have seen and heard too many horror stories of people accidentally deleting their blogs, being attacked by a malicious virus or blognapped by a hacker, wherein the owner of the blog loses every post he or she has ever written. {{{shiver}}}

Currently I have to go through the painstaking process of saving the HTML code of every post to Word documents so I can even more painstakingly recreate them if I have to.

Instead, I would like a feature available in the "Edit Posts" section where I can put a check mark next to every post I want to save, and then select "Save to Disk" (much like the "Label Actions" option) and it will export every post and its HTML code to a location I've specified. Of course it will need to also have the associated "import" functionality as well.

In the meantime, here is the current wish list of Blogger features and suggestions to vote on if you haven't seen it already.

So, wish me luck folks. I could really use the smörgåsbord of delicious prizes Amanda is serving the winner. Yum!

The Mosaic Picture Meme

2008-06-22T19:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm nothing if not a follower.

But I'm a good follower. So that's something. Anyway, because it was cool enough for Kathy (and about 100 bloggers before her) it's cool enough for me. So here's my contribution to the nearly viral meme circling the planet at warp speed these days.

The Mosaic Picture Meme

The Rules:

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Google Image Search or same type of search engine for pictures.

2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image. You can’t search forever for a certain image.

3. Arrange the pictures into a collage.

The Questions and Answers:

The links below are the actual keywords I used to find the pictures. Click on them to take you to the actual people I stole them from.

1. What is your name?… Jeffrey Lee - The not so one and only.

2. What is your favorite food?… Steak and Mushrooms - Yum. Damn!

3. What high school did you go to?… Denfeld High School - This is the picture of my actual school.

4. What is your favorite color? … Royal Blue - Hence the only color on my blog.

5. Who is your celebrity crush?… Jessica Alba - She doesn't make me want to barf.

6. What is your favorite drink?… Milk - I'm sure I drink a half gallon a day easy.

7. What is your dream vacation?… Olso, Norway - I've always wanted to see where my DNA was from.

8. What is your favorite dessert?… Turtle Sundae - Yum. Damn!

9. What do you want to be or do when you grow up?… Own an ice cream shop - Goes conveniently well with my favorite dessert!

10. What do you love most in life?… My family - Sorry my 3rd child. I had to use a picture from the first page of results only, and there were no photos with 5 people.

11. What is one word that describes you?… Goofball - Is it coincidence that this is the very first picture that comes up?

12. What is your blog name?… View From The Cloud

Driving Sideways Contest Winner... Last Call!

2008-06-20T13:46:00.001-05:00

Apparently Sarah likes to win contests and then not claim the prizes.*

I've heard about people like her.

They derive pleasure from stealing the spoils from everyone else, and then deliberately rubbing it in our faces that it's really not that big of a deal for them to claim their prize. It's kind of like the people who win the lottery and then wait until the last day to casually step up and say, "Oh my, I guess I did just win $140 million dollars. Imagine that y'all."

Of course I suppose you could say I'm a little responsible by nature of the fact that I didn't technically post the winner on the day of the drawing, but instead chose to put up this smart-assed image and reveal the winner inside the comments rather than on the main post itself.

Come to think of it, maybe the fact that this post only received a total of 11 comments should have been a clue this wasn't the smartest way to reveal the winner in the first place.

But still, Sarah should have known better. After all, who doesn't post cryptic contest results expecting the readers to find the answer in the comments. You see it all the time! Ok, maybe not all the time. OK... NEVER! But still, you should expect that from me.

Anyway Sarah, this is your last chance. If you don't see this then it probably means you can't read anyway, and a book is not a good prize for you.

Oh, and Sarah? Since you're a relatively new reader and probably not all that familiar with my arid sense of humor - I feel I should clarify one little thing...

...this entire post was written tongue-in-cheek!

Just thought I'd throw that in that just in case.

*note: Sarah won my Driving Sideways book giveaway a few weeks ago but has yet to claim her prize, and her link does not lead back to a blog so I have no way of contacting her. Therefore, I'm hoping she'll see this post and redeem her prize. If not, I will have no choice but to draw another winner next week. Good luck Sarah... I hope you don't miss out!

The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only

2008-06-18T08:36:00.000-05:00

My oldest son and I have very similar senses of humor. For example, we both can recite most of Monty Python and the Holy Grail by heart and we both think Weird Al is a genius.

But lately I've been disturbed to find that some of my favorite classic comedy movie references from the 70s and 80s have been going right over his head, due to the fact that he has yet to see any of these films.

Case in point... whenever we're at the airport and I hear the canned announcement regarding where to load and unload passengers, he has no idea why I immediately start chuckling and automatically launch into "Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again." It's kind of sad really.

And so I aim to fix this little problem.

Not unlike my recent Father's Day post where I extolled the virtues of passing our family handyman knowledge down from one generation to the next, I feel I need to do the same thing for my children by exposing them to classic comedy cinema that they in turn can pass down to their children - and on and on. I consider it my responsibility to keep the ~~nonsense~~ legacy alive.

Therefore, here are the first three movies I am going to watch with my son. I think these are good examples of films that really bring out the silliness he so sadly has been missing. I've also included a few of my favorite one-liners from these movies that I find myself spewing out on a regular basis - most of the time without even realizing it.

Airplane (1980)
- Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
- There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

The Jerk (1979)
- He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
- I'm somebody now!
- I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.

Caddy Shack (1980)
- Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
- How about a Fresca?
- You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
- You'll get nothing, and like it.

Other films he hasn't seen:
Young Frankenstein (1974)
Blazing Saddles (1974)
The Blues Brothers (1980)
This is Spinal Tap (1984)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

What about you? What classic comedies do you think my (17 year old) son should be exposed to? Also, what are some of your favorite one-liners that no one else seems to get?

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And I don't need one other thing, except humor-blogs.com

Weekend Update

2008-06-16T10:45:00.007-05:00

Merry Monday everyone!

Wow... I just heard a collective "oh please - shut up" from the entire interweb. I know, nobody likes a happy guy on Monday.

Even still, I'm ok with being in a decent mood today. I had an awesome Father's Day from start to finish and we had nice sunny weather the whole weekend (with the exception of the air raid sirens blowing off because of a tornado warning on Saturday night, but that only lasted a few minutes).

On Saturday morning my daughter Roseanna marched in a parade with her karate school. Check it out, that's her in the back in the yellow tee shirt...

Have you ever seen such a fierce-looking 12 year old girl? Don't mess with her because she means business!

And then on Sunday morning I was regaled with a delicious breakfast and showered with gifts by my super considerate family. Roseanna gave me this way cool FM transmitter for my car that allows my MP3 player to play through the stereo system.

What I wasn't expecting though was this warning message that appeared on the back of the box.

Yikes! Wash hands after handling? Seriously? Gee, what are the odds that I might handle my MP3 player.

Hmm, I'll give you one guess which country manufactured this thing.

Nearly Wordless Workshop - The Arbor (brought to you by... my father)

2008-06-14T17:52:00.011-05:00

As promised last week, below are the plans for the arbor portion of the arbor/bench project I built.

But before you look at them, I would just like to republish a related story I wrote about this arbor project back when I built it in June of 2006. I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

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FRIDAY, JUNE 16, 2006
My Dad Taught Me This

Over the last few days I've been working with my son on a garden project to build an arbor and swing.

As we worked shoulder to shoulder, it seemed almost instinctual to teach him how to accurately measure the wood, set up the miter saw, drill the holes and drive the screws.

I was never formally schooled in woodworking, electrical or plumbing repairs, yet somehow I am able to tackle these and many other types of projects with ease. So how is this even possible?

Easy. My dad taught me this.

My dad has always been the consummate handyman. And when I was a kid he would never work on something without first grabbing me and saying, "Jeff, give me a hand with this, will ya."

At the time I used to think he was incapable of doing it himself and really needed my help. But of course I know now why he wanted me there. It was because he wanted me to have the best of what he had, and this was how he was giving it to me.

And now, as I teach my own son how to build his first garden swing, I know exactly how my dad must have felt 30 years ago when he was showing me how to fix a flat on my bicycle or solder my first copper pipe.

He felt proud, hopeful, responsible and fulfilled.

So thanks dad, you've given me the gifts I have been using my whole life, and am now passing along to my children. They truly are the gifts that keep on giving.

Happy Father's Day dad, I love you.

Jeff

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click to enlarge all pictures

Dear Diary - Crossroads

2008-06-12T11:21:00.001-05:00

The following contains excerpts from an old diary I wrote when I was 18. Although the stories in this series are true, I hereby claim no responsibility for the maturity of the material written during that time.

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When last we heard from young Jeffrey, he was pining over the love of a forbidden woman. Oh the angst. Oh the heartbreak. Oh the hormones!

We now catch up with Jeffrey just 2 months later, fragile after having his heart ripped from his chest and squashed like a cockroach in the kitchen.

Let's read now as he slowly and cautiously dips his toes into the fresh waters of new romance.

The Casablanca amazes me more every time I play there - the crowd is so huge, and it's so packed & friendly and fun to play at and sooo many beautiful girls. Fri night I met Kim - Sue D*** from M***'s cabin's friend - and she is it - the girl I want to marry. That's pretty heavy but it's the first impression I got. I mean she's the absolute girl of my dreams and I am going to try to take her out. She's a filthy rich girl from the East End - at least her parents are but She's the best - Long brown sexy hair with big brown eyes - and a perfect figure - right out of Playboy. I could totally fall in love with her forever I think - we'll see.

click image to engorge

See what I mean? Vulnerable, yet horny. Selective, yet blind. Cautious, yet stupid.

This is the profile of a complex, yet confused young man.

Take this passage from the very next page for example. After not even one full year of college he is already facing another major life decision... whether he should continue his studies as a piano performance major, or abandon everything and head out on the road instead.

Here's how that played out:

I'm on Spring break. Somehow I don't think I want to go back Spring quarter and I don't think Mom or Dad will like it but I do think I won't go back - this year anyhow. It's not only impossible - it's dumb to go back. I would be wasting my money, classes and education for nothing - I can go later when I can devote more time to my classes and what I want to learn.

click image to hear me now and believe me later

Remarkably, Jeffrey made the right decision. After seven years on the road he met his beautiful wife in St. Louis, got married and eventually went back to college where he achieved a 4.0 GPA and graduated as Student of the Year. Following that he became a successful computer programmer and has since led a happy and productive life.

Jeffrey is currently a highly acclaimed blogger living in St. Cloud, MN where he enjoys performing with The Receders, building things out of 2x4s and making fun of himself.

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Fall in love all over again at humor-blogs.com!