Is there life after meth?

Well Being

2012-05-07T05:13:00.002-04:00

The sense of well being has totally escaped from my reality,even after 2 months totally clean.The natural reward feelings have not returned as well,leaving me literally nothing but a zombie .The only emotions I do possess are anger,despair and hopelessness.My mind is constantly trying to manipulate any obstacle I encounter as a reason to use,it is so profound.I have come to understand that the mind is not one acting controller but many different subsystems all working on their own and totally ignorant of any other physical system. Wow,I might think about my thoughts too much but so far trying to reason with myself has been the only way I have accomplished anything or remained calm.
I have read and been told that the brain may take up to a year to heal and work properly again.If I can maintain for a year I can say that no amount of mental trauma is insurmountable.

Despair

2012-04-18T23:53:00.001-04:00

The definition of insanity is doin the same thing over and over and expecting different results.Or so I have been told.So I am apparently about as insane as possible without being institutionalized.I keep running back and gettin in line for the same roller coaster ride time after time.The pain that I keep putting myself and my family through has started weighing heavy on my soul.
Where I was a secret functioning addict for a decade within 6 months of trying to hang it up I've almost totally fallen apart.This further compounds the pain and guilt and deepens the feeling of hopelessness.I as a person have always went to great length to do the right things and to never lie but have caught myself lying as of late.Lies in the form of attempting to beat drug screens for employment and stating that I do not use any controlled substances,which at present is true.How long will this be true? I have resigned to admitting that I honestly do not know.This troubles me terribly,knowing that so far I have not had the power to totally control my actions and in essence my destiny.
I know the reasons for the whole scope of symptoms and why my brain is behaving in such a way,but it is still very difficult to talk myself through the spikes in mood and lack of joy or ambition.Although I am mentally,physically and spiritually exhausted for now I will attempt to drag myself onward in hopes of a light at the end of this desperate tunnel of despair.

2012-03-29T17:21:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in that time.I have relapsed once and had to deal with the pain and deep state of depression associated with withdrawl yet again.It seems as if meth has taken a foot hold in every area of society because no matter where you go there it is.No matter how well you dress or how you keep your appearance up for some reason a user can spot another user.It seems that once you stop and step into the world where you would have normally had to buy the drug people are trying to force it on you for free.Until you begin to use again and then the process starts all over.I have began to think that I will have to go to outer space to escape this affliction

2012-03-03T07:04:00.001-05:00

Another week has passed ,I'm in a rut bad,and my mind just constantly flashes from one thing to another. I'm either slammed and asleep or bouncing from one thing to another. My writing is a labor,it's so hard to focus and finish one thought before I start another. I've had a lot of episodes where my guts are twisted in knots and bad cravings,at times I have tasted it or smelled it. Damn,if I can just hang on for a couple months,just until I have some damn energy,I think I could keep busy but as I am now I'm just too tired to do anything. I'm truly suffering for my sins.

2012-02-25T06:44:00.002-05:00

Okay,so this is not going to be as easy as I thought.It's a struggle to keep my head daily,my emotional state is like a land mine.One wrong move and I'm liable to explode.For anyone who may be reading this that has not tried meth,what ever you do ,do not ! In all my wildest thoughts and dreams I never could have imagined the absolute insanity this drug brings with it.I have come to the sad realization that I will never be the same. At least no time soon,I can't see past 5 minutes from now at this point.Emotionally I'm a complete wreck. My mind is a twisting turning snake pushing and pulling me in all directions at once.I feel as if I have an eel in my chest writhing trying to escape.My lip and jaw and tongue are cut and scarred from biting as fits of anger over any obstacle that rises in my path. God I wish I had never seen that cursed shit.To add insult to injury I have researched and found evidence that the good ol USA brought this curse on it's own people by promoting the use of the drug in the military after ww2.Apparently in mimmic of the Nazi military and the Blitzkrieg."How do you fight an army that never sleeps or eats or rests?"-French soldier during ww2. Idiotic cold war paranoid leaders that to this day should be held accountable for their crimes against humanity.

"Emotional" Doesn't Even Come Close

2012-02-19T00:09:00.000-05:00

In the last week or so I've begun to go to extremes emotionally,rising to laughter at something just novel,and then burstin' into tears over sentimental reflections or anything slightly sad.Happy and rather optimistic one moment then overwhelmed with a sense of hopeless dispair the next.I don't know how long this"Roller Coaster of Feelings"will last but it is having detrimental effects on everyday life.
Some of my friends and acquaintances have advised toward anti-depressants,but I don't want to jump on that train -to-nowhere.I've seen many friends and family get herded into that zombie state.I want to come back to the world of normalcy not join the circus.

2012-02-16T23:36:00.001-05:00

RMSFFV2CYJZS

2012-02-14T09:22:00.004-05:00

Ready or not here I go again,back out into the world. I was hoping to stay hidden away in my cave at home for another 6 to 8 months, but due to financial obligations and being offered a job that is just too good to turn down ,I'm going to get back into society.
I know that even though I feel really strong right now It's only skin deep, but I am just going to have to try to use good senses and take every precaution to avoid old buddies and places and all that goes with that.If this were not an excellent job I wouldn't even attempt leaving my security blanket home and wife. I will be strong ,I have to be strong there's just no alternative at this point.For the first time in a decade I have been honestly and humbly seeking freedom from the ball and chain that is addiction.My new employer is in another part of the state totally in the opposite direction of anyone I'm "acquainted"with.My new responsibilities will be demanding also which will consume my attention and any of that dangerous free-time. We will soon see.

2012-02-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

It's been a month since I posted last,due to the lack of motivation and drive I have been struggling with. I have a clear view and somewhat more realistic out look on things now and realize how much my psychological and physical health were being drained. I am beginning to feel strong again and more confident but my level of patience is somewhat less. Yet there is a long road that lays ahead ,but I do have hope and for the first time in many years can visualize myself clean. I cannot tell you it has not been without a great deal of physical and emotional pain and struggle that I have had to reason my way through. It is not something I think I could have done without the support of my family. I will forever be humbled and grateful for their support throughout this decade of insanity. I have found that support groups ,for now, are not for me.As the moment conversation begins about the use of meth I have a flood of thoughts to rationalize and justify a relapse. So for now I will remain separated from the outside as best I can.
To anyone reading these words and suffering with this affliction I would say,"YOU CAN COME THIS FAR BECAUSE I HAVE,NOW THAT I AM HERE I SEE THAT IT IS BETTER TO BE FREE THAN IN THE CHAINS OF THE GREAT PUPPET MASTER."

clear head lean body

2012-01-18T09:22:00.000-05:00

ive fought through the fog and haze and dont be confused it was hell. i can focus and see things clearly now for the first time in quite a few years. i try not to look back but when i do all i see is confusion and pain. why would i struggle so long and actually fight to stay in that fog ? i lost a lot of time that i can never reclaim. but i can only live in the future and for today, and i am glad cause i dont ever want to feel as lost as i did just a couple months ago.

merry christmas to one and all

2011-12-24T21:46:00.000-05:00

merry christmas, peace on earth, and good will to men. my best wishes to anyone struggling to keep their head up through these "joyous" days. i have nothing to offer except "i know where you are". i am there too.

Not so happy holidays

2011-11-14T02:11:00.000-05:00

Ever have that feeling that you've forgotten something or something has gone wrong? Apparently our brains normally produce natural chemicals that make us feel good. when we do something worth-while or good the chemical production increases and we get a boost of "good feelings". After prolonged use of drugs the brain has stopped producing the chemicals and when the drug is not there you are slammed into a state of hopelessness. Depressed,anxious,extremely emotional,and sometimes violent or angry personality traits are amplified. This is one of the hardest factors to deal with if you are a spouse and/or parent. We have huge affects on our family members. I've wandered in and out of recovery several times when i have caught myself being"short tempered with my loved ones". The lack of joy or ability to feel joy is an ugly state for small children to view. Add the guilt of realization and the hole gets deeper. This viscous cycle can and will envelope your existence. As I struggle down this road the cold hard truth becomes more and more evident; I will never be the same.

relapse

2011-11-12T15:25:00.000-05:00

" It's going to happen." That's what im being told. Now the pain and loss of productivity for 10 - 12 days will have to be endured again. The definition of insanity is "doing the same things and expecting different results". I guess this means im totally insane. Being a husband and father compounds all of the normal issues related to this condition. If i could drop everything and move to a deserted island for a year this would be alot easier,but this is not an option for an addict who is married and/or has children. I must endeavor to persevere although hope is in very short supply.

my head is like a pillow stuffed with cotton

2011-11-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

It's still very hard to focus on any single thing. It's like i'm standing in a thick fog. I can only think as far as I see and right now that's about 5 feet in front of me. At least I'm not asleep. I'll post more when my head clears.

meth laws

2011-11-03T00:31:00.000-04:00

The laws pertaining to meth are increasingly harsh and apparently going to get worse. Considering the fact that one in every three people use/have used meth,it seems that society would realize that incarceration/imprisonment are not viable answers to the problem. Most of the general public do not realize that simply possessing meth is a felony. So the powers that be think someone possessing meth should not have the right to vote or to bear firearms or to obtain a descent job. It sickens me to see the blatant hypocracy of my peers considering some of the people holding positions of authority in my particular community used drugs as teenagers. These people know who they are. I consider them to be ridiculous and beneath me and every other honest member of society. I am not by any means advocating the use of any illegal or legal substance that is habit forming. Nor am i saying the laws for distributing these substances should be lessened. Its just incredible to me that society today has become so pompous that it has no patience or empathy. Eventually these laws and penalties will change or the impact on our economy and society as a whole will be dramatic. Nearly a whole generation of people will be pushed to the side or hidden in prisons and jails,preventing them from contributing to society in any way. This will have numerous detrimental effects on everyone in our society. it has already begun. These people need help not prison time.

withdrawels

2011-11-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

The withdrawels associated with meth addiction are extreme. From terrible sweats to pain in all the joints,to lower back pain. Remaining hydrated is very important as its easy to dehydrate due to the lengthy episodes of uncontrolled sleep. supervision of medical professionals is a must.

halloween!

2011-10-31T12:23:00.000-04:00

Once again its the one day of the year we all get to be politicians. We go out into the world with painted faces and masks and misrepresent ourselves to our peers and expect everyone to give us a handout. The all American holiday!