In my observation every deceased person is in his astral form - as we’ve known him - present at his funeral or cremation. Simply said: You are at your own funeral.

The church in Cothen was packed with 500/600 people during Joost’s burial service. But Joost wasn’t there in his astral form. In this case something else happened. Joost filled the whole church and everybody there with his energy en consciousness, with his warm clear presence, the way we knew him. As if he was there in person. And he was. With everybody, everywhere, in the whole church, back to front. From the beginning of the service until the end, one unaltered consciousness.

On the cemetary the same thing happened. Joost’s warm, clear presence filled all familymembers and friends that were gathered around the coffin, like a cloud of knowledge and conscious-being. We were actualy attached to him. Leaving the cemetary we didn’t leave Joost, as is usual with burials, but he kept staying with us with his multidimensional consciousness. It felt so natural, no one noticed it at first. May we forever remember Joost as: He who is present.

Het is naar mijn waarneming zo dat iedere overledene in astrale vorm, dus in de gestalte zoals we hem of haar gekend hebben, op de begrafenis of crematie aanwezig is. Simpel gezegd: je bent op je eigen begrafenis. (Zie hiervoor het artikel op mijn website: Sterven, Stervensbegeleiding en Leven na de dood. www.energetischwerken.nl)

De kerk in Cothen was tijdens Joost’s uitvaartdienst van voor tot achter en ook in de zijbeuken helemaal vol met zo’n 500/600 mensen.
Maar Joost was niet in de astrale vorm van zijn lichaam aanwezig.
Wel was er wel heel iets anders. Joost vulde met zijn energie en bewustzijn zowel de hele kerk als alle aanwezigen, met zijn warme, heldere aanwezigheid- zoals we hem gekend hebben. Alsof hij er heel persoonlijk bij was. En dat was hij. Bij iedereen, overal, in de hele kerk, van voor tot achter. Van het begin van de herdenkingsdienst tot aan het einde, een onveranderd bewustzijn.

Op het kerkhof gebeurde hetzelfde. Joost’s warme, heldere aanwezigheid vulde als een wolk van weten en bewust-zijn alle familieleden en vrienden die rondom zijn kist verzameld waren. Wij waren live met hem verbonden.
Toen we het kerkhof verlieten lieten we Joost niet achter, zoals gebruikelijk bij een ter aarde bestelling, maar was hij met zijn multidimensionaal bewustzijn gewoon bij ons. Het was zo gewoon dat het eerst niet eens opviel.
Joost ging ook niet met ons mee toen we het kerkhof verlieten, maar bleef ‘gewoon aanwezig’. Bij zijn lichaam en bij ons.
Mogen we Joost blijven gedenken als: hij die aanwezig is

Joost – The gentle giant with the radiant eyes and the generous, open-hearted smile.

Since September 1988 the moment we started university studies in Delft, and we all stepped into a new and determining episode of out lives, Joost has been an integral part of our lives. Thinking of this we realized that we have known Joost more than half of our lives and roughly 100% of our adult lives.

Together as the jaarclub Gilbert, we built a foundation on which we based our further friendship together. On that solid base we have grown together. Not only as a group of friends, but as individuals as well.
These last few months we have come to realize how strong this foundation actually is, and the part that Joost played in building it. Not only as one of the bricks but also as the cement that kept us together.

Last night, some of us sat together and we shared our thoughts and memories of Joost. A true evening of tears and laughter where we tried to paint just a little piece of the beautiful picture Joost is to us and to all of you here today. Some thoughts came to our mind.

• Joost was always there fully, never half. Even if he had only been there for less than an hour, you had the feeling that he had been there the entire time.

• Joost was not a follower, he followed his own plan, he had his own style

• Joost was a catalyst for everyone, a magnet, a continuous self re-inventor. Not afraid to question things or reflect upon himself.

• Joost stimulated debate and enjoyed it thoroughly, he was headstrong where it mattered, and was compliant where it didn’t. Always making his own choices trusting his own judgement. When needed Joost would be the voice of conscious of our club with the unique combination of energy and serenity at the same time

• Joost respected everybody and did not judge anyone. He was sincere in his interest in the people that he met. He made you feel welcome. Probably all of you will still remember the first time you met him. A big warm personality with a big, big heart, that he had, the willingness to help others.

• Joost always needed a loaf of bread with plenty of Beemster cheese.

• Joost was full of creativity and enjoyed playing music with his friends. Give him a piano and he would play a tune. With some luck he would start singing “Vlieg met me mee naar de regenboog…”. And he would not stop until everybody joined in.

• Joost was the brain behind playing soccer on the beach, walks in the woods, playing games. Making small things great. Things did not have to be spectacular. Being with friends was what mattered, not what you did.

• Joost had golden ideas and great ambitions and the energy to conquer the world. An example was his revolutionary folding table design that would conquer the world, he was convinced it would work. Just one example of his energy and belief in his own ideas.

• Joost was a man of reason and analysis combined with great sensitivity and deep spirituality.

• Above all, Joost was love, friendship and loyalty to his friends and family.

Yesterday we had a great time digging up memories, sharing stories and looking at pictures. It triggered only good memories, and great moments of laughter. We listened to Joost and Sander’s podcast from February 9, and it filled us with both joy and sadness. It was so natural to hear Joost’s voice, half expecting him to come bashing in, blaming us for having started the party without him. We will truly miss him.

Joost, you are alive to us, and you are with us forever, anywhere.

Our thoughts are with Jennifer, Katy, Sam and all the family.

First I mention his great heart

When somebody has passed away, it takes about an hour to withdraw ones aura. The aura is composed of the 3 spiritual bodies of the soul. Each of the spirit bodies takes 15 to 20 minutes ‘to be brought home’…
in the heart point, here in the middle of the chest.
That’s why we don’t touch a body after death for an hour;
so we did with Joost.

When this had happened there was something strange. Joost’s heart itself did not close but after 7-8 minutes. I had never seen this before. While his heart was closing so slowly, I began to understand the reason: Joost has a great heart. So he did need all that time to close his great heart.
Joost’s great heart is a comfort (troost) to us.

Joost’s surrender
A very difficult part of the last night with Joost was talking about surrendering his body (zijn lichaam over te geven). It was so difficult because Joost had fought like a lion to cure his body, until he had fallen in coma, Monday morning.
Also for me it was heartbreaking because I had supported him in it for 10 months. Like I often said, joking to him: Joost, we do our utmost, and beyond the utmost the utmost.

So I asked Joost being in coma: Joost can you give up your body by
free will?
In the last night of his life in his body we had talked about the failure of the medicine he had got, sutent; his brain damage, perhaps he had also had a heart infarct.
He understood quite clear that he could only continue his life in this body, his beloved body, like a plant, on a vegetative level.
And I added: Joost you will need all your strength to pass away in a good way (om op een goede manier over te gaan).

His eyes showed tears like when he, Jennifer and I had seen us the afternoon before. Then he got the expression of an Egyptian Lion king, while Jennifer looked tender, fine and frele, as a beautiful young Egyptian woman, well-known from pictures: old connections of the soul.
A Lion king connects nature and spirit, by soul.
Such a soul is a Great Soul.

It took some time in which he struggled with himself. I tried to help him with: Joost I know this is the most difficult choice in your life. This is your Calvary Mountain. You reached the top. There is no way back.
Tears filled his eyes.

When I came back after a break there was another Joost. He had conquered (overwonnen) his Lion, while Jennifer was sleeping beside him.
The significance of Joost’s surrendering and offering by free will his young life is that he fully completed his life (zijn leven volledig voltooide), although it was broken at the half. Why?
Because his free surrender gave him a gift, like we we’ll see, he could have required in a whole life of for example 73 years.
His circle of life was round.
We can be grateful that he could harvest this completion (deze voltooiing kon oogsten).

That Joost showed his spiritual clearness and strong willpower at the supreme moment of his life is also a comfort for us.

Joost’s dimension of light.

Some minutes after Joost’s soul had passed away, he showed us his sphere of light. I’ve seen much light in my life, but seldom had I seen such a brilliance of light. Joost’s home in the spheres is a home, in a high dimension of light.

And moreover: Joost showed us what he had required (verworven) in the time of his wonderful inner growth: At the same time he was at home in his light sphere and with us! His soul is beyond the dimension of time and place. Joost’s soul can be at 2 places at the same time, we call that bilocation (bilocatie). That is what he required in this life on earth. So that he can support Jennifer in her life and will be there when Katy will marry and Sam will finish his study… like Joost hoped and wished.

It is a comfort for us that Joost reached this high spiritual level.

May I invite you to be silent for some moments?
to listen with the stillness of your heart
to Joost’s Great Heart.

Thank you Joost, for all we experienced and shared.

Joost, lieve broer

Jij bent altijd de archetypische grote broer geweest. Een voorbeeld in veel opzichten, naar wie ik vaak opkeek. Je was nooit autoritair; je legde niemand iets op. Wel was je uitnodigend: met je energie nodigde je mij - en anderen - vaak uit om mee te doen. Je management kwaliteiten heb je in die zin al op vroege leeftijd binnen onze familie weten te ontwikkelen.

We deden veel samen als kinderen: hockeyen en voetballen met de buurtkinderen, lego, van alles. We hadden ieder onze eigen stijl: Jij maakte iets dat kon bewegen, dat iets kon doen, met tandwielen en zo, en ik maakte iets dat er mooi uitzag, maar waaraan niks bewoog. En in plaats van dat jij mijn maaksel nutteloos vond en ik de jouwe lelijk, bewonderde jij het mooie aan mijn maaksel en ik de ingenieuziteit en het leuke (wat je ermee kon doen) van die van jou. Postive reinforcement hebben we van jongsafaan thuis geoefend.

Jij was vaak de spil binnen de familie om samen met de broers en zus iets te organiseren. Zo hebben we vroeger vaker het kerstverhaal opgevoerd, als soortement toneelstukje, voor onze ouders en visite die er dan vaak was. Ik weet nog hoe wij dagenlang (of was het weken?) het kerstverhaal van Dick Bruna aan het overtekenen waren om dat dan voor te dragen, begeleid door blokfluit en jij die de tekst voordroeg. Jij was meestal de regisseur en ook de inspirator.

Ook droegen we wel eens een zelfgemaakt journaal voor (papa houdt tenslotte zo van het journaal). Het hoogtepunt was dan het weerbericht: het sneeuwde en hagelde en er was een orkaan en een tornado en een overstroming en daarna was het dan 30 graden met zonneschijn. Als meteoroloog zou ik daar nu mijn vraagtekens bij zetten wellicht, maar leuk was het wel.

Je was altijd heel veelzijdig. Spontaan en gezellig, en ook diepgaand en serieus. Een techneut, maar ook heel gevoelig en je kreeg steeds beter contact met je emoties. Juist in je laatste jaar hier heb je je gigantisch ontwikkeld. Spiritueel en emotioneel. Je gelooft in wonderen. En dat doe ik ook. Wellicht is het een wonder wat je allemaal gedaan hebt in je leven. Wat je allemaal betekent voor zoveel mensen. De manier waarop je je ziekte hebt getrotseerd, en ondanks alle tegenslagen bleef genieten van het leven. Dat vind ik heel knap. En hoe je nu ongetwijfeld ook vrede hebt met waar je nu bent. Je bent in vrede heengegaan. Je leeft voort in de herinnering van velen. En we zullen je herinnering levend houden.

Tot ziens, Joost. Ik houd van je.
Joost, dear brother,

You have always been a real “big brother”. An example in many ways, whom I often looked up to. You were never authoritative; you would never force something upon someone. Rather, you were inviting: with your energy you often invited me – and others - to participate. As such you have started to develop your management qualities already at an early age in our family.

We did many things together as kids: playing (field) hockey and football (soccer) with the neighborhood kids, lego, all kinds of things. We each had our own style: you made something with moving parts, which could do something, with cogwheels and such. I made something that looked nice but which couldn’t move or do anything. You wouldn’t judge what I made as being useless, and I didn’t judge yours as being ugly. Instead, you admired the beauty of what I made and I admired your ingenuity and the fun stuff you could do with yours. Positive reinforcement is something we have practiced at home from an early age on.

You were often the centre when it came to organizing something with the brothers and sisters. As little children, we often performed the Christmas story as a kind of play, for our parents and visitors who would often be there at Christmas time. I remember how we spent days (or was it weeks?) copying and drawing Dick Bruna’s Christmas story in order to use it for our performance, accompanied by flute and you, reciting the text. You were often the inspiration as well as the director.

We also performed our own homemade news on several occasions. (After all, papa liked the evening news so much.) The highlight would be the weather forecast: it snowed and hailed and there was a hurricane, a tornado and a flood, followed by 30 degrees Celsius and sunshine. As a meteorologist, I would perhaps question such a forecast right now, but it sure was fun.

You have always been well-rounded: spontaneous and fun, while also being deep and serious; a techie, but also very sensitive, and you got better and better in touch with your emotions. Especially during your last year, you have developed yourself immensely, spiritually and emotionally. You believe in miracles. And so do I. Maybe it is a miracle what you all have done in your life. What you mean to so many people. The way in which you faced your disease, and despite all tribulations kept on enjoying the small things in life. That I find admirable. And how you have accepted where you are now. You left in peace. You will continue having a place in the hearts of many. We will keep your memory alive.

See you, Joost. I love you.

Lieve mensen,
Dear people,
Voordat ik iets zeg tegen Joost, wil ik jullie vertellen hoe geweldig jullie met elkaar en voor elkaar zijn geweest.
Before saying something to Joost, I would like to say to you how great you all have been, together and for each other.

De laatste maanden zijn voor velen een emotionele, en soms zelfs spirituele, reis geweest, waar pijn van verdriet samen gingen met gevoelens van diepe en hechte vriendschap.
The past months have for many been an emotionele, sometimes even spiritual journey, where pain and sorrow went hand in hand with feeling of deep and solid friendship.

Dank jullie wel voor de mooie dingen die jullie gedaan hebben in deze moeilijke tijd. Samen ben je nooit alleen.
Thank you all for the beautiful things you did together in these hard time. Together one is never alone.

Jennifer,

Woorden schieten tekort, vragen blijven onbeantwoord en jouw pijn moet onvoorstelbaar zijn.
Words cannot tell, questions remain unanswered and your pain must be beyond belief.
En nog steeds heb ik geen antwoord voor je.
And still, I have no answers for you.

Wat ik wel weet, is dat ik als best man op jullie huwelijk getuige ben geweest van het vinden van zijn grootste levensgeluk.
What I do know though, is that I, as best man at your wedding, I was witness of him finding his biggest happiness in life.

En ik weet zeker dat Katy en Sam de liefste vader hebben van hele wereld, en hemel.
And I know for certain that Katy and Sam have the sweetest father of the whole word, and heaven.

Ik hoop dat ik later als ze groot zijn, nog een keer de kans mag krijgen om ze te vertellen over hun geweldige vader.
I hope that later in life, when they’re grown up, I get a chance to tell them about their magnificent father.

Lieve Joost,

In de hemel is het altijd feest.
Heaven is one big continuing party.

Er staat een grote piano en een bar, slingers aan de muur en er is vast wel een gekke hoed die je op kunt zetten.
A grand piano stands there, party decoration on the walls and there is probably some crazy hat you can put on your head.

Natuurlijk is er een kasteel en speelt de band.
Obviously there is a castle, and the band is playing

Natuurlijk kom ik ook, en ik neem mijn cdtjes weer mee.
Obviously I will be there too, and will bring my music.

En God is er ook, die staat al op je te wachten aan de hemelpoort om je met open armen te ontvangen, want het is pas feest als jij er bent.
And off course, God will be there too, he is already waiting for you at Heaven’s Gate, cause a party is only a party if you have arrived.

Joost, met jou was de hemel hier op aarde.
Joost, life with you was heaven on earth.

Je maakte het leven een feest en tegelijkertijd zo betekenisvol, je hield zoveel van het leven met een hoofdletter L.
You made life such a party and at the same time so meaningful. You love life with a capital L soo much.

Des te groter moet je pijn zijn geweest om afscheid van het Leven te moeten nemen waar je zo veel van hield.
Your pain to part from Life must therefore have been even deeper.

Je hebt dan ook een bovenmenselijke strijd met gestreden met een ongekende wilskracht.
You have fought a super-human (beyond what a human can do) battle with unbelievable willpower.

Verliezen was geen optie, punt uit. Pijn was niets in verhouding tot verliezen, en je lichaam moest maar luisteren naar wat je het opdroeg.
Loosing was no option. Full stop. Pain was nothing compared to loosing (sorry, a nike marketing quote), and you body had better listen to your commands.

Ik hoop dat je na al deze strijd, nu rust kunt vinden in de hemel, en dat je weet dat je echt alles hebt gedaan wat je kon, en nog heel veel meer.
I hope that after all this fighting you will now find peace in heaven, and that you know that you really did everything you possibly could have done, and much more.

Want zelfs vanaf je ziektebed bleef je geven, je was een bron van liefde en inspiratie voor velen.
Because even when you were ill, you remained a source of love and inspiration for many.

Zo ook voor mij. Jij was degene die ons de weg wees, en een geweldig team bij elkaar bracht.
You were that for me too. You were the one showing us the way, and you brought together a fantastic team.
Het was dan ook een grote eer aan jouw zijde te hebben mogen strijden.
It has been a great honour to have been allowed (not quit the right word but the closest I could think of) to fight at your side.

Een strijd waarin ik nieuwe vrienden heb gemaakt, oude vrienden opnieuw heb leren kennen, maar meer nog, waarin vriendschap een diepere betekenis heeft gekregen.
A battle in which I made new friends, renewed friendships with old friends and, more importantly, in which friendship has gotten a deeper meaning.

Joost
Ik kan geen afscheid van je nemen, en ik doe het ook niet. Je bent voor altijd in mijn hart, je bent voor altijd mijn beste vriend en ik ga je onwaarschijnlijk missen.

Joost
I cannot say goodbuy to you, and I will not either. You are for always in my hart, you are for allways my best friend and I am going to miss you terribly.

So long brother,
Safe journey to the other side,
Go in peace,
Go well.

Tot het laatste moment bleef hij geloven in het leven en was hij een inspirator voor zijn omgeving.

Amsterdam, 27 februari 2008

• The PET/CT scan came back - with bad news. Although the tumour sites in the bones seem to have shrunk slightly, there are a number of new tumours outside the bones. Specifically, there are tumours in the lymph system, on the left lung, the liver, and under the collar-bone. Generally, progression into organs - and especially the lymphs - is not good. This progression is also almost certainly the cause for the fluid build-up around the lungs .
• The fluid around the lungs increased. The lungs are surrounded by two membranes (as if they were placed into two plastic bags - the Pleurae), that usually have a thin layer of fluid between them. This allows the lungs to expand and contract during breathing, because they are not directly attached to the rib-cage. In Joost’s case, there was a strong build-up of fluids in this pleural space between these membranes. This happens often in cancer patients, as the tumours ’sweat out’ high protein plasma that gathers in this place. In spite of the fact that 1-2 liter was drained from the pleural space around the left lung, the fluid came back and increased to 2 litres around the right lung and 4 litres around the left lung. This fluid build-up squeezed the lungs so much that both breathing and digesting food became very hard

Decisions going forward

• The pleura-fluids around the lungs create too many breathing and digestive problems. Hence, the pleural space around the left lung is being drained as we speak (a gradual process - which will take a few days), and tonight the space where the fluids resided were coated with talc powder (talkpoeder), so that the two membranes stick together (a procedure called pleurodesis). This way, the fluid cannot build up again. The disadvantage of this is that it will make breathing harder - the left lung will stick to the rib-cage, and it will be harder to breathe in/out deeply. Hence the decision is not to treat the right lung this way for now. At the moment, the fluid quantity in the right pleural space seems stable, and prof. Richel prefers waiting before doing a pleurodese on the right lung as well.
• The new tumour sites will not be operated on / removed separately. Even though some of the new tumours would be accessible to surgery, there is little to be gained from removing individual tumours. On the contrary, surgery causes damage, and may even accellerate tumour growth (as do other removal options like RFA). These tumours will only be operated / removed / radiated if these individual tumours cause specific complaints (pain, breathing problems, etc).
• The Sutent treatment will be complemented by adding Avastin. This drug has targets the same target (blood vessel growth - hindering tumour growth), and may help amplify Sutent’s impact. The hope is that this would stop the progression.
• Joost is taking more pain killers than recently, mainly because of the pain from the drainage-tube inside his body. This will be taken out tomorrow.

At the moment, Joost is in hospital, focusing on regaining lung function. Once his left Pleurodese is complete, and the (small) wound has healed, Avasting will get added (as Avastin interferes with blood vessel building - it also interferes with wound healing). Hopefully, this could happen late next week.
In the mean time, the rest of the treatment approach will stay the same (EPO, Zometa, pain killers, physio therapy, ketogene diet, natural healing, blood transfusions, etc)

With a group of seven and one professional mountaineer we ’shuffled’ uphill through the snow. On the top we should find a frozen volcanic lake, but during the climb we could not see the top, because it was flat. Each time when we thought we saw the top, we got disappointed again about the ‘next’ top.

At 4300 meter half the group was too sick to go any further. We decide to find a place to stay overnight. Aziz, our guide, found a little flat piece half under a rock, but not far from a deep cliff. We ate oranges to empty our stomachs and reduce the height-sickness a little bit. We threw our sleeping bags on a piece of plastic, which covered the snow, and went to ‘bed’.

Breathing is hard at this height and I remember seeing the moon moving throughout the night from right to left. I enjoyed the view over the mountains around us. The world was laying at our feet, the view was gorgeous, but trying to catch sleep while almost hyperventilating is hardly possible.

That is what I had to think of last week. Although the pressure on my left lung was reduced by a small drainage last week, I was still tired and easily out of breath. I started with external oxygen on Monday expecting to feel better on Tuesday morning. But after my usual swim in the hotel, I had to be helped back to my room. I could not move anymore. My lungs were too much under pressure again.

The nights were like the special night at Mountain Sabalan, no air, difficult to breath and impossible to fall asleep. I felt fine as long as I laid down quietly and did not move. So that’s what I did for two days, getting more and more tired from not sleeping.

Finally I went to the hospital on Thursday and immediately got a drainage. The very same day 2 liters came out of my left-lung pleurae and during the night another 2 liters. So within 24 hours I lost 4 kg of weight, but I did get my air back (so a bigger air-bag). I feel so much better now, we just have to see of sticking the pleurae is going to work to avoid the fluid to come back.

In the meantime my hospital room is completely decorated with photo’s, flowers, a sunny balloon and a count down calendar for the number of days that I have to wait to see Jenn and the kids again.

Katy called me today. I really miss her!

Joost

The results were not good. Four new metastasizes have been found outside the bones! That’s scary and was a great shock for us. One of these spots had lit up in the November scan as well, but was identified as not significant at that time. Well, unfortunately, that did not seem to be accurate.

Details will be worked out by Paul this week in direct contact with the oncologist. This will very likely include a new medication regime. And of course, if better drugs would exist with less side-effects I would already have had them, so it can only become harder for the body now.

Next to the bad news we also had neutral news and good news. The neutral was that no cancer cells were detected in the pleura liquid that had been taken out, but no conclusion can be drawn from that. Neutral news, means useless, something like "Paris Hilton photographed entering the court-room". Yeah, so what?

The good news, and this is really astonishing if the overall diagnosis is ‘progressive’, is that it seems that the bone-metastasizes lit up less than on the previous scan. This would at least mean stabilizing, if not cancer spots being in remission. To early for a party, but this is at least a newsflash.

This is also the kind of miracle I need every now and then to get the confidence back that I can still win this race. Winning means that I decide how we run the race and not the oncologist nor the cancer.

We decided Jenn and the kids still would go to our family in the US. For the last week I have not been able to play the daddy-role that I would like to play and that really started to hurt me. Also for the kids it would be good to be ‘on holiday’ and be in a completely different environment for two weeks playing with their cousins 24/7.

Katy was completely ready for the trip. She wore her favorite pink skirt, had her Dora backpack and her little make up box. In the plane she behaved like a real traveler. ‘You would have been so proud of her’, Jenn said to me over over the phone after their arrival. Sam is easy going, as long as he can move around and jump on mama’s lap. So that’s what he basically did for eight hours. Pour mama.

I was really sad seeing them go. When they left I played the song ‘Ain’t no Sunshine’ a couple of times and cried for about half an hour till my brother and sister came in to comfort me. Soon I felt better and I started to realize I needed this outburst of emotion. I needed this two-week break even more than I realized. I hated it that I could not be the daddy that I wanted to be. Reading a book was getting to hard, since the kids would comfortably sit against my belly and I would not be able to breath and read anymore. I hated it that the illness suddenly became so visible.

When we arrived at the hotel I first sat down in a lazy chair outside in the sunshine. Relaxation started. I did not have to do anything anymore. I did not have to be anyone anymore, I could just be myself and get myself taken care of. "Ask, ask, ask whatever you think you need or makes you feel more comfortable. You need it now!", Maud told me when she and Tom were doing the kick-off exercise for this retreat. I fell asleep halfway, but did not want them to go yet. It calmed me down knowing what the main purpose was of me being in the hotel; return to my deeper self, find emptiness and peace and not worry about anything at all.

The other goal is to increase physical strength (mens sana in corpore sano). Since today I am having oxygen in my room, which helps me mainly during my sleep. You don’t realize how much energy it costs to breath, until you have a lung-deficiency. Trying to get enough air in kept me awake at night and made my heart work twice as hard. That’s both not good. So soon I should be able to swing and bike again, carefully, and hence start to use my weakened muscles.

Thank you all, by the way, for your extra attention emails an voice-mails as a reaction to one of my last blog entries. For this week I am going to take it very easy and won’t have any visitors. what I look forward to though, is going to the concert of Verdi’s Requiem on Friday with some fraternity friends. I’ll bring my mobile oxygen system and a wheel chair and see what the effect of a life classical concert has on me now as opposed to fifteen years ago. My ears must have changed.

Is it a myth, by the way, that granddads always have big ears? Do ears really continue to grow. Granddads must be good listeners then!

Joost