Viewing the World Through Humor Tinted Corneas

Flat Stanley Visits Funny Uncle Adam in California

2012-02-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

Flat Stanley Visits Funny Uncle Adam in California

February 2012

Flat Stanley came out to visit me in California and he was so excited because he had never been out West before. I asked him what he wanted to do for his first visit and he replied that he wanted to go hiking and see some of the beautiful scenery.

Well, we had some great weather so I took him to Pinnacles National Monument.

At Pinnacles, we went on some great hikes. First we went to the caves to see the bats. It turned out that there were hibernating, so we didn't get a chance to see them. We did, however, have a fun time singing the Batman theme song and playing with the flashlights on the cave walls.

We then hiked up past the reservoir to see the peaks. Flat Stanley was quite the little hiker. He walked so quickly that I had to run to keep up with him!

On our way out, we happened to see a mule. Flat Stanley told me how much he likes mules because they are like donkeys that shoot blanks.

We had a very full day of hiking and it was time to head home. Flat Stanley told me has some very strong environmental sensibilities and insisted that we recycle everything possible before we left Pinnacles.

The next day Flat Stanley had a lot of fun eating unhealthy food like candy, cookies, and other items with partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and simple carbohydrates. I kept advising him that that kind of diet was not healthy, but he would not listen to me. Sure enough, after a few hours he had a bad tummy ache and was feeling pretty sluggish.

I didn't like seeing Flat Stanley suffer so I fed him some fiber so he would feel better. The fiber really did the trick. The next day...

...Flat Stanley made a seriously huge poop!

"Thanks so much for helping me feel better, Funny Uncle Adam. You really know a lot about nutrition," he said.

After Flat Stanley felt better, he enjoyed walking around near our house. "Hey Funny Uncle Adam! Look at that tiny fire hydrant. What's that for?" Flat Stanley said.

"Well, Flat Stanley, that's for tiny dogs," I replied.

Then Flat Stanley walked around to the backyard. "Hey Funny Uncle Adam! Look what I found! It is so sunny in California that the squirrels are putting sunscreen on their nuts!" That Flat Stanley! He is so observant and health conscious.

Then Flat Stanley met Funny Uncle Fester Fetus and his eponymous idol, Uncle Fester.

I told Flat Stanley that very soon, Funny Uncle Fester Fetus would be promoted from Fetus to Baby.

Flat Stanley is so smart and inquisitive that he wanted to learn more about this promotion process.

I took him to the doctor and he was all excited to learn about fallopian tubes, the cervix, the placenta and the mucous plug. I asked Flat Stanley if he wanted to learn even more at the breast feeding class, and he told me he's always eager to lend a helping hand for two of his favorite things.

All of this learning really increased Flat Stanley's interest and enthusiasm. He was so excited that he eagerly examined the car seat to ensure its safety.

He then went on to help erect a banner for the baby shower.

Flat Stanley also created this wonderful centerpiece that could be carefully deconstructed into a bunch of useful doo dads after the baby's arrival.

Later, Flat Stanley arranged all of the presents so that they would be easier to stack.

Flat Stanley was so excited at the baby shower that he helped remove the wrapping paper from the presents.

"I really had a great time in California, Funny Uncle Adam. I can't wait to visit again," Flat Stanley said.

Ačiū for playing.

2010-02-25T19:46:00.001-08:00

Remembering AuntieBellum

February 2010

I remember meeting Susan for the first time and seeing her walk hand in hand with my Uncle in Manhattan. It looked like a good thing to do.

I remember visiting Susan upstate a few years ago. She was eager to hear of my recent Israel adventures and somehow Tom Sawyered me in to helping her garden. I always hated yard work as a child but it was enjoyable with AuntieBellum. The funny hat and gloves may have helped.

I remember AuntieBellum leading me on her New York power walk. I had to struggle to keep up!

I remember AuntieBellum taking me to MoMA, FDR’s home, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and elsewhere. When she visited me on a solo expedition to California, I returned the favor taking her to the beach, NASA, and a Stanford museum. I’m grateful we shared a variety of interests.

I remember AuntieBellum was given 6 months to live just over two years ago. She wasn’t ready to leave so we got a bonus round of two years of visits and calls.

When I visited her in November, I was concerned that my typical high energy assault would be too much for her as I’ve found that even people much younger than I am struggle to maintain pace with me. I realized that my fears were unfounded. AuntieBellum was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and eager to view pictures and hear of my latest adventures. We even went for a walk… in the rain! Occasionally, she became frustrated as she struggled to retrieve a memory of something to share with me, and blamed gremlins for scrambling her brain. From my perspective, I didn’t see memory lapses happening more with her than with anyone else, although I was aware of the new challenges on her plate.

As I bid farewell to you for the last time, AuntieBellum, I want to tell you that I remember you remembering, and I’ll remember you.

for playing.

2010-02-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Untitled #4

February 2010

Compass card is spinning, helm is swinging to and fro
Oh, where is the dog star, oh, where's the moon.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.

Somedays the gales are howling, sometimes the sea is still as glass.
Oh, raise the main sail, oh, lash the mast.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.

There's a sea bird cryin' and there's a ghost wind blowing
And it's calling you, to that misty swirling sea.
Till the chains of your dreams are broken,
No place in this world you can be.
--JPB, 1980

Several weeks after my birthday fundraiser I went to Great America. I had not been in many years and I enjoyed driving the Mystery Machine, posing with my South Park friends, and seeing the new scary attractions. I used to add up the time I spent in zero-g and enter it on my astronaut application updates, but those days are long behind me as the Astronaut Office is no longer selecting new astronauts. :( Keeping the theme, I caught a ride with the Blue Angels, and saw some cool space exhibits at the Hiller Aviation Museum a few weeks later.

I said Hey I’ll be gone today
but I’ll be back all around the way
--MF, 2009

As usual, I’ve been attending many concerts. I met some interesting people at the Power to the Peaceful and Hardly Strictly Bluegrass concerts, both in Golden Gate Park. These were rapidly followed by Neil Young’s annual benefit featuring Sheryl Crow and Jimmy Buffett. Concerts with George Winston, Willie Nelson, and others followed. After the series, I needed to take a break from music to prepare for Halloween.

It’s on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way. So we must dig and delve unceasingly.
--COM, 1840-1926

Mom hadn’t seen me for Thanksgiving for a few years, so she lured me to Florida with the promise of seeing my niece. I hadn’t seen MFGN in over a year and she was now 20% older. I am her comedy coach and I was looking forward to teaching her some new material.

On the way to Florida, I stopped in NY to see family and verify that I could not tell the difference between MoMA’s copy of The Starry Night and the original I have at home. (I prepared for MoMA by fixing a healthy breakfast, loaded with anti-oxidants.) While there, I also saw a special Monet exhibit and other museum highlights.

The next day I visited Thomas Edison’s West Orange laboratory and home. I visited his Fort Myers home and laboratory a few years ago, and his northern versions were at least as impressive. He, of course, was a brilliant inventor and worked on some difficult engineering challenges.

After a few days up north, I flew down to Florida, where I went SCUBA diving and took Dad for a walk on the beach. People like seeing pictures of Dad and me on the beach as they enjoy seeing how he’s grown over the years.

A few days later, MFGN arrived and I enjoyed teaching her how to be funny and how to be a scientist. As a reward for my efforts, she picked strawberries for me. I really enjoyed the Daiquiris I made with them!

After I returned home, I continued my Mega Museum Marathon by visiting the Star Trek exhibit at The Tech Museum of Innovation. I enjoyed taking my picture on the set of City on the Edge of Forever, which won the 1968 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation. However, I didn’t think the exhibit was as good as similar ones I saw in Vegas or the National Air and Space Museum. I followed this with a Christmas expedition to the new Contemporary Jewish Museum and a trip to SFMoMA, which I had not visited in years.

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call,
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall.
--JB, 1974

I’ve often noted that like an infection, I’m opportunistic. When I learned that my company had a shutdown at the end of the year, and my boss was forbidden to pay me during this time, I made plans to join my travel team for back-to-back cruises in the Caribbean. Personally, I considered them “front-to-front,” but then again, I’m more ambitious and positive than most.

I took a redeye to Fort Lauderdale and I marveled at the fact that I was collaborating with my Beijing colleague in real-time thanks to the onboard WiFi. I was also intrigued that I was able to watch live television during my flight although I was not sure that the news report saying how dangerous flying was during the holiday season added to my enjoyment of the flight.

I brought a fistful of cash with me as I planned to take an expensive cab ride to my Miami hotel. However, upon arrival in Florida I reconsidered. Why should I rush to the hotel, where I would just sit in the lobby until they got my room ready later in the afternoon? For once maybe I could just slow down a bit. Long story short: I took a shared ride to the hotel, where they gave me a courtesy room to shower and I spent the saved money elsewhere.

I saw you
With a ticket stub in your hand
Under the light
Middle of the night
Couldn’t get it wrong
So I had to
--MS, AGW, TM, & TA, 1988

At breakfast, my new concert app told me of a nearby PHISH concert that night and I wondered if I could attend. I made friends with a bunch of people in the hotel who were going to the show and they were looking forward to meeting me there. However, I decided to get a head start meeting my new travel friends, so I bailed on the show. The next morning, I asked one of the concert goers if the band played Golgi Apparatus. “Dude, you nailed it! They opened with Golgi Apparatus. We were pulling for you to make it to the show.” I was sorry to disappoint them. Maybe next time.

I was working right up until we took our vans to the ship. From earlier trips, I knew the importance of making connections on the Libido Deck so I hit the ground running. After a muster drill, some champagne, and too much food I knew I wasn’t in Kansas any more. The next night were the New Year’s festivities and we had a great time at a variety of events.

Pass the kutchie pon the lef’ hand side
Pass the kutchie pon the lef’ hand side
--FS & LF, 1982

After a full day at sea, we landed at Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I went to Ocho Rios many years ago, and since the statute of limitations had likely expired, I figured it was OK to return. We climbed the famous Dunn’s River Falls and I had a great time diving, and dancing on our catamaran transport.

The next day we landed at Georgetown, Grand Cayman and prepared to swim with the sting rays at Stingray City. The guide explained that the stingrays are domesticated and like to swim between people’s legs and suck food from us. I’m pretty choosy about things like this, but I had a fun time. Also, I’m not sure the sting rays really enjoyed it so much, but I don’t speak sting ray, so I can’t be sure. At an earlier dive, I found a creepy green eel.

Some of my new friends were not staying around for the second cruise, so after saying good bye to them, I switched rooms and prepared to make some new friends. Between cruises, we took a speedboat ride around some rich folks’ homes. Since it was a dreary day in Miami, we did not spend too much time ashore and we reboarded the ship promptly to enjoy the ship’s amenities. As we set sail, I was excited to see the green flash, a very rare occurrence.

For a long time now I have tried simply to write the best I can. Sometimes I have good luck and write better than I can.
--EMH, 1899-1961

Our first port on Cruise Two: The Sequel was Key West, the southernmost city in the Continental United States. There, we had one of the highlights of the trip: jet skiing. My Mint Milano friend, Cinquecento, selected me to be her driver. I figured I had driven her crazy on several other trips and she generously wanted to give me a chance to redeem myself. I’m not accustomed to having a woman on my back, but I thought, “When in Milan...”

We were the first ski leaving the no-wake zone, and as we were leaving, I turned to ask Cinquecento if it were OK if I did a “donut”. I wasn’t sure how well that translated into any of the languages that she knew, but she consented. I completed the tight circle just as the guide turned to investigate what was happening. “I didn’t see anything,” I offered. No harm, no foul.

As we hit the open ocean, I figured it was time to put the pedal to the metal and see how fast we could go. Buzzing over the ocean, I was very encouraged by Cinquecento excitedly and enthusiastically screaming, “Faster! Faster! Slower! Faster!” in my ears. The last time I had an Italian woman yell at me so much was when I threw spaghetti at the fridge in college.

Throughout the hour excursion, I continued painting donuts of a variety of radii and amazingly still managed to stay in first place. While circumnavigating the island and crossing from the Ocean to the Gulf and back, we saw dolphins, flying fish, and Kelly McGillis’ and other rich people’s homes. As a reward for my great performance and giving her a great ride, Cinquecento promised to take me to fashion week in Milan to get me a new Vera Wang.

We later learned that not only was this the coldest day of the guide’s 11 years of experience (and likely longer), but these tours were canceled for several days afterwards because of poor weather. We lucked out once again! Another win for Admiral Adam. After pulling a Salahi at the little White House and some other misadventures, I returned to the ship to prepare for another formal night.

The next day was another full day at sea. I managed to squeeze in some work and other activities before the Martini round.

Since I had traveled with the cruise line before, I was invited to a reception with the Captain. I enjoyed meeting my favorite breakfast chef, and more of the crew. Later, I met some students from Buffalo, and I shared some stories with them from when I spent a summer there.

The next day, we made a return visit to Grand Cayman. Since I was awake earlier than most of the team, I went ashore early to remotely manage my empire, and meet one local colorful character after another. Ultimately we made it to the beach for lunch. While others were sunbathing, I explored one of the finest beaches in the world.

Come on Jamaica
Everybody say
We’re all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way
--BT, 1973

Cruising continues to be a fun way to travel for me as I enjoy not carrying a wallet, not having to repack often, and other benefits. I repeatedly enjoyed the ship’s guest services and the crew was great also. As usual, the food was great on the ship. I enjoyed the creations I designed at the breakfast buffet, and the dinners in the formal dining room were tasty and presented well even when the portions were small.

I tend to eat more than normal on these trips so I work out a bit more to compensate. Sometimes, I worked out before the morning group deck walk. I caught up to Boatswain Bill one morning and told him I had just finished a double workout. “Prove it!” he served. “Ask the yoga women about my applause,” I returned. Game, set, and match: Admiral Adam.

As usual, the trip organizers and others awarded me accolades, approbations, and praise for my skills and talents with humor, discretion, attire, leadership, aim, dancing, singing, photography, drama, posture, sportsmanship, and thoughtfulness, so I must be doing something right.

Eager to receive my presents and presence, Mom and Dad picked me up at the pier and whisked me off to an art exhibit. While there, I saw a lot of great art and hailed a champagne woman.

Now that I’m home and almost recovered, I’m already looking forward to my next adventures. I hope you’ll join me!

The end.

Te, sekkürler for playing.

2009-08-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

You Betcha!

August 2009

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
--RLF, 1874-1963

In June, I saw a few Dead shows at Shoreline. Then, since my new job was going well, I scored an opportunity to work remotely and made an extended weekend visit to NY. While in NY, I met a new family member and visited the new annex to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I caught up with some other friends and family, and returned home in time for some other fun.

My previous remote working experience went so well that I tried it again a few weeks later with a trip to LA. It had been many years since I had visited LA and I wanted to visit the Getty Center. I also reconnected with some old friends, met a nice woman, who looked to be related to a woman I met in December, and enjoyed The Simpsons ride at Universal Studios. I had not seen my Simpsons friends in a while so it was good seeing them again as well.

don’t give up
’cause you have friends
don’t give up
you’re not the only one
don’t give up
no reason to be ashamed
don’t give up
you still have us
don’t give up now
we’re proud of who you are
don’t give up
you know it’s never been easy
don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s a place
there’s a place where we belong
--PG, 1986

Much of the reason that work was going well was because I had a great boss, who greatly appreciated my efforts and gave me lots of feedback on my designs. Since my other colleagues were not as responsive as he, when I learned that he would be away on vacation, I negotiated his blessing to go on vacation myself reasoning that I would not be able to get much done in his absence. Being a rational person, he bought the rationale, and I would finally be able to take the trip to Alaska that I had been planning for years. It is Alaska’s 50th birthday this year and since I went to NY for my parents’ and uncle’s 50th birthdays, and San Francisco for the Golden Gate Bridge’s 50th, this would be an appropriate time to visit Alaska.

It’s so easy to slip
It’s so easy to fall
And let your memory drift
And do nothin’ at all
--LG & MK 1972

I tracked down my travel team, with whom I recently visited China. I enjoyed the coincidence that last year I cruised to the easternmost part of Canada and I would now be cruising from the its west coast. Also, I visited Beijing just after the last Olympics and prior to the Alaska cruise I would be in Vancouver before the next one.

I met the team in Vancouver, where I would be boarding the ship. I was a bit apprehensive about returning to Vancouver after some interesting challenges years ago, but I had faith that both the statute of limitations and people’s memory had expired. I enjoyed my short visit to Vancouver, saw new stores that were not around on my previous visit, and got the impression there were no hard feelings. I also had a good time finding interesting signs.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
--RWE, 1803-1882

Since it was my sixth cruise, I already knew the drill, and I started exploring the ship to learn of any developments since my last cruise. One thing I learned was that due to recent events in world health, they were very concerned about viruses and ensured that we were good and sterile before eating and boarding the ship. The food was great, as usual, and I noticed some changes there as well. Walking 90 flights of steps each day and dancing two hours each night ensured that I didn’t gain any weight.

As usual, the ship featured an international crew and I took advantage of the variety to learn how to say “thank you” in a few more languages, as is my custom. Additionally, one helpful woman also taught me how to say “nice ass” in American Sign Language. I’ve noticed that women enjoyed taking pictures of my butt in the Falkland Islands, Peninsula Valdés, Montevideo, Sunnyvale, Juneau, and Denali but I need a ruling. If a woman signs “nice ass” in appreciation of the goods while I’m walking away from her, how will I know?

And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two men lay stiff and stark. Pitched on his head, and pumped full of lead, was Dangerous Dan MGrew, While the man from the creeks lay clutched to the breast of the lady that’s known as Lou. These are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know. They say that the stranger was crazed with “hooch,” and I’m not denying it’s so. I’m not so wise as the lawyer guys, but strictly between us two — The woman that kissed him and — pinched his poke — was the lady that’s known as Lou.
--RWS, 1907

Over the course of my visit to Alaska, I saw more and more things that reminded me of home. For example, many of the menus featured salmon, crabs, sourdough bread, and local beer. Also, the weather was sunny and there were many more men than women living there.

The ship turned out to be the sister ship to the one I had in South America, so I had a head start on reconnaissance and knew where everything was. The artwork, however, was different and I enjoyed finding a Peter Max and an old logo. I found it particularly appropriate that there was a space station mural near my stateroom.

After a day at sea through the Inside Passage, we stopped at Ketchikan, known for its scenery, totem poles, and waterfalls. I booked a flight on a seaplane so I could get a better look at Misty Fjords National Monument. I enjoyed watching a seaplane take off and land at camp many years ago, but I never had a ride in one. (Speaking of camp, I am delighted to reconnect with some childhood friends with whom I have not spoken in decades. Maybe this Internet is worth something after all.) I scored a berth in the copilot’s seat, which enabled me to monitor the instrument panel. After we landed, I met someinteresting locals. Later, I walked around Creek St, where I found some funny t-shirts and visited a brothel--for research purposes only.

You ask me where the four winds dwell
In Franklin’s tower there hangs a bell
...
Wildflower seed in the sand and wind
May the four winds blow you home again
--RH, 1975

The next day, we landed in Juneau and I went to the capitol and the Governor’s mansion to check up on things. For some reason, they had a copy of the Liberty Bell out front. I learned that Alaska is known for salmon and they have kinds that we don’t have back home.

Later that day, I took a helicopter to the top of Mendenhall Glacier. It was one of the highlights of the trip. I enjoyed dipping my head in for some clean water and claiming the land for Club Adam. The scenery was spectacular and I enjoyed serving as copilot in the helicopter. The last time I flew in a helicopter was in Kauai and this scenery was very different.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
--HJS, 1993

I booked a horseback riding adventure in Skagway the following day. While waiting for the bus to the horse, an old man came up to me and complimented me on my hat. He told me that he had several skin cancers removed and that I should be commended for protecting myself from the sun, particularly at such a young age. Usually, people tease me about this hat and other things that I wear; this guy was clearly wiser than most.

Homer took me on quite an odyssey and showed me some beautiful scenery. I think some people got sore from the riding, but it was the best riding experience I have ever had (on a horse).

The next day, we stopped at Icy Strait Point to learn about Tlingit culture. Only one ship per day is allowed here to preserve the wilderness so it is a pretty unique experience. In the nearby city of Hoonah we visited a bar that is on the list of 1000 places to see before one dies. I hope that this doesn’t mean that I’m one step closer to dying. While leaving the strait that night, I tried to win another award for Worst Karaoke.

Early the next morning, we visited Hubbard Glacier, the largest tidewater glacier in North America. Our captain was reknowned for his ability to keep us close to the glacier for a long period of time, so we spent about an hour taking pictures and exploring.

So much to do, there’s plenty on the farm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
--WZ, 1976

That evening, I enjoyed the Captain’s reception for the Repeat Offender’s Club. I had a great time with the others, and I was good and prepared for the awards ceremony that evening. I never take anything for granted, but since I won awards in South America and China, I especially wanted to win one as I didn’t want to ruin my winning streak....

The Academy had already handed out plenty of awards and I started to lose hope. However, they began to describe an award for someone who was always having fun, and made fun for himself and those around him,... Poignantly, friends in front of me turned around to tell me that this award was coming to me! Surprisingly, they were right! I was so incredibly touched by my award. It really meant a lot to me that people thought of me that way.

They once had a shootin’ up in the Klondike
when they got Dan McGrew
Folks were puttin’ the blame on
the lady known as Lu
That’s the story that went around
but here’s the real lowdown
Put the blame on Mame, boys
Put the blame on Mame
Mame did a dance called the Hitchy-koo,
That’s the thing that slew McGrew
So you can put the blame on Mame, boys
Put the blame on Mame
--Robert L Frost 1874 - 1963

At the end of the cruise, the ship landed in Seward and some of us continued to explore Alaska by land. This started with a boat tour through the Kenai Fjords. We saw a lot of interesting wildlife and I enjoyed what the crew caught while ice fishing. I took a turn driving the boat, driving another vehicle, and finally drove the tour leader crazy.

The next day, we went to a market in Anchorage, where I ate reindeer chili, found some more funny T-shirts, and got my shoes cleaned. This reminded me of my foot massage in Beijing. After landing at our hotel, some of us went exploring. I found a statue that I think was related to one I met before my trip.

The next day, we saw elk and other critters in Denali National Park. Later, some of us went rafting in glacial water the way I had in South America.

The next morning, we hiked the Horseshoe Trail and I confirmed that beavers really are nature’s engineers. Several of us explored the area near our hotel before we took the train to Fairbanks.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
--RLF, 1874-1963

While waiting for the train, several women felt that I was deserving of yet another award and so they gave me one of their own before we boarded the McKinley Explorer from Denali to Fairbanks. I was very honored and appreciative. Later, I had a lot of fun with the crew on the train.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
--RLF, 1922

One of the highlights of the trip came on the last day and that was meeting Mary Shields, the first woman to finish the Iditarod. I was very impressed that she built a house in the middle of nowhere and that she taught dogs to pull her through the tundra. I added her to the long list of women I admire and bought her book so she could autograph it from one independent maverick to another.

I had a few hours before I needed to get to the airport for the flight home, so I went to the Fairbanks Ice Museum. I really enjoyed it and not only because it enabled me to cool down. Later, we spent several hours at several airports together before finally taking our individual flights home.

And time waits for no one, and it won't wait for me
And time waits for no one, and it won't wait for me
--MJ, 1973

I returned home with just enough time to finish shopping and otherwise prepare for my annual birthday fundraiser. I enjoyed being surrounded by girls at my party, and seeing people I don’t see often enough. However, it is a lot of work and very stressful so I am trying to improve the experience. Anyone know a talented user experience designer?

The next day I went to McLaren Park in the Excelsior District for the annual Jerry Day festivities. I made some new friends including a girl with a tongue gizmo and another with a nose dealie. I saw several bands there and since that wasn’t enough music, I stopped and saw a George Winston concert on the way home. With PHISH, the San Jose Jazz Festival and other events, I saw about 15 bands in two weeks, and that was a lot even for me! Time for a writing break before I forget it all!

There are strange things done in the midnight sun,
by the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
...
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
--RWS, 1907

Thorough readers should be warned that Geocities is closing soon and it will be taking all of these chapters with it. You may want to read prior chapters while you can as I’m not sure when I’ll get around to recreating the archive at another location.

Salamat for playing.

Yet Another Birthday Fundraiser--Now in HD!

2009-07-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yet Another Birthday Fundraiser--Now in HD!

Silicon Valley Survivor

2009-04-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I was having a good run at work after returning from China. I made alliances with players in the Marketing and Technical Publications tribes, and the other players were praising me and eager to keep my torch burning. As usual, I was not fed enough work to satiate myself. Rather than waste away, I spent considerable time foraging for enough to feed my creative appetite. I also earned another immunity challenge, which scored me enough points to work remotely again. When I learned that my boss was going east to India to visit her peeps, I decided to go east to Florida and New York to visit mine as she clearly would not be missing me in Sunnyvale.

When I was younger ah hah
Everything simple but not so clear
...
Now I am older
The more that I see the less that I know for sure
--JWOL, 1984

I went to Florida for the first phase of my trip. There I learned that Mom has a burgeoning interest in Mary Shelley. She’s still recovering from a losing battle with the Spanish Steps in Rome so I keep reassuring her that she’ll be kicking Dad’s butt again in no time.

Another scary sight was the loads of jellyfish on the beach, which caused me to take precautions. To get even, I had some good sushi with MFBC, whom I don’t get to see often enough.

After about a week, I flew north to visit Grandma and Grandpa at Ellis Island . After Ellis Island, I continued on the ferry shuttle loop to the Statue of Liberty. As a typical New Yorker, I had never been there before. I was hoping to climb up into the statue, but this has been forbidden since 9/11, so I guess this is one case where the terrorists did win. Nevertheless, I had an especially good time with the ranger, who assured me that the statue was indeed tall enough to walk to Manhattan in Ghostbusters. He also helpfully pointed out where Daryl Hannah swam ashore in Splash. On my egress, I was happy to lay tfillin as it was the last night of Chanukah.

Goes to show, you don’t ever know
Watch each card you play and play it slow.
--RH, 1972

After returning from the east coast, I was poised to break an employment longevity record that I set over 10 years ago. Then suddenly, I got voted off the island!

For years, I’ve imagined that companies consider my role to be a luxury to them. That is, when money is tight, companies—like people—get rid of luxuries first. As long as there’s a market for products with lousy usability, and as long as competitors’ products have lousy usability, usability jobs will be in jeopardy.

Recently, however, I remembered that Sony gave me an award for designing an integrated help system that would save the company support costs by helping users help themselves and thereby saving them from making an expensive (to Sony) call to Customer Support. Highly usable products decrease the money that companies need to spend on support engineers, software developers, technical writers, and other areas. Indeed, I’ve learned that I could easily pay for my salary in some cases if companies would continue to have me improve the usability of their products. So it is often a false economy to eliminate usability professionals in the effort to save money because in the long run, we more than pay for ourselves with savings.

We’re all in the same boat ready to float off the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow from the peddler to the corner girl
Life is a carnival--it’s in the book
Life is a carnival--take another look
--RD, LH, RR, 1971

I know that I should never take my employment for granted and that I need to protect myself. I need to look and listen because some things in the workplace are mysterious. I’ve sometimes wondered whether companies would prefer to have unusable products. Fortunately, I’m able to maintain my balance even when the rest of the world is falling over.

I generally take advantage of the time between jobs to do things I can’t do while working. The activities this time included taming turtles at a party at the new California Academy of Sciences and going back to NASA to see some of my work in the visitor’s center.

You cannot displace through logical argumentation a position that was arrived at emotionally.
--SC, 1835-1910

People often ask me how long it takes to find a job. Well, there’s no standard answer. It’s a dynamic situation with supply and demand constantly changing. Typically, it takes a few weeks from when the job appears until I get my badge. Fortunately, this time was one of my shortest lapses.

The process has changed a bit over the years, though. For example, in recent years, more and more employers are asking to see an online portfolio as part of the evaluation process. For a variety of reasons, I don’t think this is a good way to evaluate a candidate. Nevertheless, I rose to the challenge and posted some representative work online.

My new boss has been very appreciative of my contributions right from the start and I enjoy biking to work on the same path I used for my previous job. In fact, this is the seventh job to which I have biked, and if I reduce my carbon footprint any more, that might be the end of diamond production as we know it.

I’ve been my usual productive self and I’ve been way ahead of schedule in my deliverables. This is good, because since I don't have a social secretary, I have a lot of overhead on my life. I need to plan my own tennis matches, research and buy my own theater and concert tickets, etc. Recently, I’ve been excited to reconnect with childhood friends and babysitters. I spend hours a day on the internet managing my empire and I’m more comfortable when someone is paying for my time.

Recently, some engineers from our Beijing office visited. They enjoyed seeing pictures from my recent trip and otherwise learning of my adventures in their home city. I hope I get a chance to return to China on business. Maybe I will even be able to bike to work there.

People are always eager to learn about my new job situation so here are the answers to the questions people often ask me after I get a new job. Yes, through no effort of my own, I did score the desk farthest from the boss and closest to the ladies room. Also, the stock of my former company is up less than 1% since I left (after dropping 5% that day), while the stock of my current company is up a whopping 29% since I started there less than one month ago. Of course, as a shareholder of the former and not the latter, I wish the situations were reversed. Go figure.

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
--BT, 1972

Another employment question that people often ask me concerns why I don’t return to NASA, home of my glory days. The simple answer was that the labs and facilities that I created did not exist before I created them and no one continued to work with them when budget cuts launched me out the airlock. Recently, however, I’ve been talking with NASA about designing mission control for a lunar mission. Of course, it’s a long shot like some of my other aspirations. However, I’m still young, healthy, and I can still score a second serve ace, so we’ll see what happens. I hope they still have the active softball leagues that I enjoyed so much years ago. Ad astra!

Ô chò for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider sending a generous donation to Voices Against Brain Cancer.

Chicken Luggage

2008-12-19T09:51:00.001-08:00

I’ve had so many travel and other adventures since my last chapter that I have a lot of catching up to do. Fasten your seatbelts.

Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right.
--RH, 1974

In February, I went to Kauai, where I experienced highs and lows like flying in a helicopter and scuba diving.

In April, I saw Bruce Springsteen for the second time in six months and I was impressed with how he connected with the people around me who were following him on tour

In May, I went to NY. I have been helping Paul and his family celebrate simchas for over 30 years and I don’t like to miss a party. From NY, I went to Puerto Rico, where I had a great time visiting with Z-Man and his parents. His folks took me scuba diving, and to other water adventures. Later in my visit, we wondered why we had to wear helmets at Camuy Caverns when we were not allowed to enter the caves and why the Puertorriqueños vote in the Primary but not the general election. Must be the rum.

In August, I had a great time at the Jerry Day concert listening to music and I’m glad my birthday fundraiser did not conflict with it as it had in the past. My party the following weekend was a lot of fun particularly since many of my favorite people were able to attend.

The next weekend, I saw a Beatles cover band, which sounds a lot like the Beatles even though some members of the band don’t look like their counterparts. Afterwards, I got on the bus and saw the Summer of Love Revue. Like the 40th anniversary concert the previous summer in Golden Gate Park, I witnessed the sights, sounds, and smells of 1968 with only a few anachronisms.

Later in the month, I enjoyed helping with a casino fundraiser event.

The following week, I returned to NY for a brief cruise to eastern Canada to explore the world’s largest tides. Kind of hard to appreciate something with a 6-hour time constant when you’ve got only two hours, but we had an amazing time including a wild boat ride. Back on ship, out of 130 people, I was the only one wearing a tuxedo on formal night, but sometimes it pays to dress.

After the cruise, I was elated to see MFGN in NY. We get along really well because we have the same two favorite things. I’ve been giving her comedy lessons and the word on the street is that she loves her Funny Uncle Adam.

Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
--SP, 1992

Before I returned home, I saw Barenaked Ladies, who weren’t, and another interesting sign for my collection.

At the end of September I enjoyed a Chihuly exhibit. As with penguins, it’s very difficult to take a bad picture of his glass works.

His eyes are the eyes that
Transmit all they know.
Sparkle warm crystalline glances to show
That he is your leader
And he is your guide
On the amazing journey together you’ll ride.
--PT, 1969

When I was a kid, my parents took us out for Chinese food quite often to dose us on MSG before big tests. In recent years, my folks have been reporting that they cannot find any of the Chinese restaurants to which they used to take us. Consequently, I decided to visit China to investigate what I imagined might be a supply-side problem. Also, while I was away, Mom would be getting a new ankle so I figured that eating Chinese food for two weeks was the least that I could do to support her.

As usual, I conducted quite a bit of research prior to my trip to learn about the history, art, culture, and politics of the places I’d be visiting. I watched The Last Emperor and Farewell My Concubine, so I knew how to say hello to the former and goodbye to the latter. I also asked my work colleagues for vocabulary and pronunciation assistance. These efforts paid off as the guides and others appreciated my forays with their languages. (I said xie xie and m goi to locals in China and Hong Kong respectively. I said tusen takk to some Finns knowing that I was speaking Norwegian, but figuring they would understand anyway. I offered spasibo to some Mongolians, grazie to an Italian amica, shukryiya and danyavad to an Indian waiter, and thank you to some Australian tourists.) I imagine that they were being generous, though, and that my pronunciation was no better than the grammar I noticed on some of their signs.

Since I would be away for Election Day, I submitted several absentee ballots to compensate for the expected voter fraud. Also in preparation, I brought lots of warm clothes, food, and Cipro. People insisted that I bring these as I’ll be cold, might not like the local food, and might receive an anthrax-laden blanket from an American Indian. I did not really need to eat any of the food that I brought with me, had plenty of extra clothes, and fortunately, I did not need to run for the Cipro; I was overprepared and overburdened as usual. I did, however, spend all of my money, so I feel as if I deserve partial credit.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
--JHM, 1890-1977

The weeks leading up to my China trip were exceptionally busy. I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, a place I have not visited in years. They’ve long been regarded for their great displays and I noted that they earned a spot on the top ten list of attractions in this country. I especially liked the new back stage tour that they held and the fact that they continue to update their lists of the best fish to eat from environmental and health perspectives.

I spent the following weekend helping Special K celebrate her birthday in Napa, where I won two awards. The first was because I was the only person who asked a question that was not already answered by the instructions for the weekend. The second was for appropriate use of comedy where necessary to spread good cheer.

My work is done now look at him
He’s never been more alive.
His head it shakes, his fingers clutch.
Watch his body writhe

I’m the Gypsy - the acid queen.
Pay before we start.
I’m the Gypsy - I’m guaranteed.
To break your little heart.
--PT, 1969

Right before my China trip, I saw a bunch of concerts. First, I saw Tina Turner. To make a long story short, I gave a scalper $30 for a $65 ticket and sat in a $200 seat. It was an excellent show and I hope that I look as good as she does when I’m a 69-year-old black woman. The following night I accomplished pretty much the same thing when I biked over to the Jimmy Buffett concert. I rounded out the rest of the week with exhibits on Leonardo da Vinci, and Frida Kahlo. Over the weekend, I enjoyed Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit again. I’ve attended over two dozen of them since they began over 20 years ago and they are always a highlight of the concert season. We were all saddened to learn of the passing of “Chief Wiggum,” however.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

With much restless energy and eagerness to begin my trip, I headed up to SFO early. Since I was unexpectedly allowed to check my bags all the way through to PKG, and I was at the airport with plenty of time to spare, I had a celebratory pi jiu to prepare for my flight.

I started my trip by flying to LAX to join the rest of the team. On the plane, I had a conversation in French with a French guy next to me. Usually when I speak in French to someone, they recognize that it is not my first language and they respond in English to make it easier for me to understand them. In this case, between the aircraft noise and his accent, I had an easier time understanding him when he spoke French than when he spoke English! Regardless, it is good to know that my oral skills still serve me well.

After I arrived at LAX I served as an English sheep dog rounding up people I suspected were on the trip. When the organizer arrived, I presented the roster to her.

On the flight from LAX to HKG, we lost an hour due to falling back to Standard Time, and we lost a day due to crossing the International Date Line. I hoped to make it back in volume. On the flight from HKG to PKG, I got some pronunciation assistance from the Chinese businessman seated next to me. I think he was repaying me for praising his Omega-3 supplement consumption.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap.
--TJ, 1743-1826

After traveling for many, many hours, we finally made it to our Beijing hotel. Right on cue, a woman wondered, “what do they call Chinese food here?” I answered, “they just call it ‘food,’ otherwise it would be redundant.” I was glad we were off to a good start.

While waiting for others to arrive and get settled, a few of us walked down the street to go shopping. In all of my travels, I’ve never seen such aggressive hawkers; people were all over us at every step. Fortunately, from the very first day, I developed appropriate evasive maneuvers when the “Hello! Hello!” girls approached. I would usually recite some permutation of the following:

Not my size.
Not my color.
Talk to the girls.
I don’t speak Spanish.
Thanks, I just ate.
I don’t make good shopping.

I’m not exactly sure why, but this technique seemed to work so I continued with it. Throughout the trip, I did my best to run interference, carry bags, and otherwise help the women with their expeditions as we visited the pearl, jade, silk, and other factories. I kept wondering when we would visit the concubine factory so I could learn how concubines are made and add to the knowledge I gained in Amsterdam and Prague, but no such luck.

I realized that some people were drawn to visit China by the shopping opportunities. Indeed, almost every time I turned around, some of the women on the trip were doing serious damage shopping. Some of the other guys and I wondered what we were missing by not participating as heavily. However, I kept remembering Jefferson’s admonition to not buy something solely because it was cheap. Of course, he died broke after spending all his money on French wine, so warnings go only so far. On some of their expeditions, the women took me to back alleys and other scary places but I trusted them to protect me. For my part, I was proud that I consistently beat the calculators in the currency conversions.

Part of the shopping appeal involved buying knock-offs of famous branded products. I found the idea of Chinese knock-offs to be kind of an existential issue since so many of our legitimate products are made in China anyway. The knock-offs are likely made by the same people in the same factory. To me, it is similar to hearing Stephen Hawking’s voice on The Simpson’s. What does it mean to say it is his voice? It is a computer’s voice. It’s not as if he’s writing the script.

In order to build a great socialist society, it is of the utmost importance to arouse the broad masses of women to join in productive activity. Men and women must receive equal pay for equal work in production. Genuine equality between the sexes can only be realized in the process of the socialist transformation of society as a whole.
MT-T, 1955

The NY team arrived just in time to go to bed and we all gathered the following morning before heading out to Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven, and we had our first view of a star-rated toilet.

Since some of the toilets in China had a higher degree of difficulty than those at home, some of them were rated for our convenience. As a boy, I’m very talented when it comes to distance and penmanship so I didn’t need as much assistance as the women did. Nevertheless, many of them—the toilets, not the women—sported instructions that were more helpful, thoughtful, and usable than one I recently saw in Canada and some were funnier than one I saw at AMS. Also, the portable facility I enjoyed at the Olympic village was the most high tech of such devices that I have ever seen. On a related note, throughout the trip, I was very impressed with how concerned the Chinese were about the environment and I was particularly impressed with the free range kids they used to fertilize the gardens.

That evening, after Beijing Duck at Mr. Duck’s, we all went for foot massages. This is a very common thing as there are many places in Beijing that offer them. I’ve had massages before, but I never knew my thighs and shins could make such sounds. Some of us were so entertained that we returned the following night for more “relaxation.”

Manifest plainness,
Embrace simplicity,
Reduce selfishness,
Have few desires.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

The next day, we toured the Olympic village and saw all the buildings I would have seen had I watched the Olympics on TV. Near the end of the trip I discovered two Olympic torches. One was by the terra cotta warriors in Xi’an. The other was near some clubs in Shanghai.

After several days of warmup exercises, we finally visited the Great Wall, famed in song and story. With tour buses driving right up to it, and resident hotel and shopping opportunities, it felt more touristy than I had imagined. I did not see a single sign describing its history and importance, although I did see some other signs that were funny, and intriguing. Fortunately, I get something rewarding out of every experience: I found a cannon that reminded me of another I found in Buenos Aires earlier in the year. Alas, I was able to convince only a few people that not only is it not the only man-made object visible from space, it is not visible from the moon with the naked eye, despite the rumor.

He who knows does not speak.
He who speaks does not know.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

Speaking of astronomy, one of our guides kept mentioning a meteorology museum near our hotel so I visited it when others were shopping or watching pandas sneeze. It turned out that the Beijing Ancient Observatory is not a meteorology museum, but an astronomy museum. In Junior High, I gave a presentation in which I proclaimed that meteorology was NOT the study of meteors. I guess our guide didn’t get the memo. Returning from dinner in Xi’an, I noted that astronomy is still of interest in China.

On my walk back to the hotel from the Observatory, a local woman ambushed me on the street. I got the impression she wanted to practice her English and I’ve long been generous with my time when women want to practice on me. She also wanted to introduce me to her calligraphy professor but I feared awaking in a bathtub filled with ice down a kidney so I politely declined. I eagerly returned to the safety and comfort of my handlers.

The next day featured one of the best parts of the trip: rickshaw races in the Hutong. We had an armada of over 25 rickshaws buzzing through the streets and Lance did a great job getting us swiftly and safely to our various destinations. One of my favorite stops was a day school, where I had a great time playing with local kids as I had in Buenos Aires and elsewhere. Another great stop was visiting Hutong Man, not to be confused with Peking Man. I always enjoy meeting locals in their natural habitats as it is too easy to get so lost in hotels, restaurants, and tourist attractions that one forgets that real people live here.

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

From Beijing, we flew to Xi’an, where we toured the Big Wild Goose Pagoda. By this point, I had eaten so much, and exercised so little, that I started to turn into a Happy Buddha. One of the coolest things here was a cat that Tweety trapped in a cage.

We then went to visit the Terra Cotta warriors, where locals enjoyed taking pictures of statues imitating me. Apparently, that was not enough. Upon our egress, several locals wanted their picture taken with me. I had the same experience at lunch the following day.

To have little is to possess.
To have plenty is to be perplexed.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

The next day, we flew to Shanghai, where we visited the designated area for stateless refugees. Shanghai accepted around 30,000 Jews fleeing the Holocaust and many of them lived in the Tilanqiao area. The homes are not the most appealing, with many people sharing one kitchen and one toilet. However, they are still inhabitated and reminiscent of the experience many of ancestors had in the lower east side of Manhattan.

Since some people were ending their visit in Shanghai, we had our awards assembly on our last night there. Noting how much I liked checking out the local clothes as in the past, at the end of the trip, the leaders gave me the chameleon award. I thought this was appropriate for someone who conforms to others both personally and professionally. This nicely bookended the honor they bestowed upon me at the beginning of the trip. I imagine they anticipated entertainment value; I trust that they were not disappointed.

Giant steps are what you take,
Walking on the moon.
--GS, 1979

For our last stop, we flew to Hong Kong, which has no relation to King Kong. On the ride from the airport to our Hong Kong hotel I happened to notice a space museum. This turned out to be a big win when I visited several days later. They had a bunch of great exhibits describing Chinese contributions to astronomy and rocketry and I was impressed that they featured a picture of a NASA spacesuit colleague of mine in the Neutral Buoyancy Test Facility for which I was a safety diver. They also had a great device for simulating walking on the moon. I’ve enjoyed this in the past at the NASA/Marshall Space Flight Center, but I had more time on this one and the environment was dressed up more.

People walk in sideways pretending that they’re leaving,
We put on our makeup and work out all the lead-ins,
Jack is in the alley selling tickets made in Hong Kong,
Promoter’s in the pay box wondering where the band’s gone,
Back in the pub the governor stops the clock,
Rock is dead, they say,
Long live rock.
--PT, 1973

On the streets of Hong Kong, we noticed that they put up Christmas ornaments early because they don’t have to wait for a non-existent Thanksgiving milestone. Along the waterfront, we saw Bruce Lee’s statue and Li Tit’s star. Elsewhere in Hong Kong, I managed to avoid hairy crabs on Victoria Peak despite several opportunities and I enjoyed our sampan ride later that day.

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

In summary, visiting all of the sites was wonderful and I enjoyed the scenery on the bus rides as well. All of our guides were great and they were very patient and informative when I asked them questions. SammyDavis kept telling us about concubines and how the emperors died with smiles on their faces. Intrigued, I asked him if the emperors ate a lot of ginseng to keep lead in the pencil and he said that was true. Years ago, my Chinese tennis partner told me that he was eating ginseng to keep lead in the pencil. I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but I remembered thinking, “what kind of an idiot would want a pencil devoid of lead.” (Yes, I know it’s really graphite.) I think I finally understand.

Another guide, MotionInTheOcean,was a lot of fun also. On one occasion, he kept coming up short when counting us to ensure that we were all present. I suggested that he count in English instead as we don’t speak Chinese. He switched, and it worked. We were all present.

To know that you do not know is the best.
To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

I was glad I told DD about the trip as I hadn’t seen much of her since our March of the Living trip 3 years ago. We had a great time reconnecting and making attempt after attempt to recreate our Five Boobs picture from the Dead Sea. Being big fans of history, we sometimes settled for the 3/5’s compromise and re-enacted another historical event. It was a lot of fun, but I think I may have worn her out.

It was great reuniting with other friends too on the other side of the world especially since I don’t get to see them at home. Coincidentally, I also saw people from a previous trip to Buenos Aires. We compared notes and memories even though we may not have met then.

He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE

Before the trip, some people were concerned about the food. I did not have any problems. However, while I love Chinese food I didn’t find many of our meals to be that interesting for one reason or another. We had hot pot a few times but it creeps me out a bit at home as I’m wary about eating with utensils that have touched raw meat. Nevertheless, I was prepared to eat lots of it as it was plentiful. The hotel breakfasts were tremendous and featured many familiar and unfamiliar items. At one breakfast, I visited something like an omelet station except with broth, instead of eggs, as the base. An Indian patron learned that the broth was made with pork and politely declined. I looked at him, then back to the chef, then back to the Indian guy and said, “yeah, my Lord won’t let me eat it either.” Ironically, two of the best meals were Thai and Indian in Hong Kong.

On the other hand, the hotels were excellent. Two of them had magic mirrors in the bathroom that resisted fogging. This compensated for the fact that they lacked bidets.

Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing! Fine, then.
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it’ll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself.
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
--MS, 1987

The trip home took forever. I had never flown so much, or gone through Customs so many times, in two weeks. My schedule was so out of whack after I returned home that I did not eat for 25 hours. I did, however, work out quite a bit for the first two days and I figure both behaviors were compensatory for my trip.

Now I’m back to my home life consisting of run of the mill parties, museums, tennis and making friends. As I told Customs when they asked what I had to declare, “I had an excellent time and I’m looking forward to my next adventure.” Who’s in?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
--JHM, 1890-1977

Congratulations on making it to the end. As your reward, you will learn that “Chicken luggage” is how we heard the guides saying “Check-in luggage.” I’m not that critcal as I’m sure my Mandarin pronunciation was much worse than their English pronunciation.

谢谢 for playing.

2008-09-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Viewing the World through Humor-Tinted Corneas

Chapter 1: May 8-14, 1995, Denver/Boulder Trip Report
Chapter 2: DC/NY Trip Report, May 22-30, 1995
Chapter 3: June 1995, Viewing the World through Humor Tinted Corneas
Chapter 4: July 1995
Chapter 5: Abraham, Isaac, and Woody, August 1995
Chapter 6: August 1995, Part Deux: Homage to NY
Chapter 7: September/October 1995
Chapter 8: November 1995
Chapter 9: Grandma
Chapter 10: December 1995/January 1996
Chapter 11: The Anecdote to Civilization, January-February 1996
Chapter 12: February-March 1996, Master Adam goes to Washington
Chapter 13: April-June 1996, Top Ten Modern Day Plagues
Chapter 14: June 1996, Culture
Chapter 15: July 1996, Birthday Party invite
Chapter 16: July 1996, My Summer Vacation
Chapter 17: October 1996
Birthday 1998
Bye Outride, January 2001
Hello MS2, March 2001
Why is this night different from all other nights? evite
Best Man Speech at Eric's Wedding, October 2001
Call me Sisyphus, April 2002
Sitting in Limbo, June 2002
Adam's Most Excellent Hyperbolic Birthday Fundraiser Extravaganza Evite, 2002
I Give Up!, September 2002
From Dickens to Dylan, March 2003
Spring Break 2003, April 2003
Birthday Party 2003--Full Throttle Evite, 2003
Gullible's Travels, September 2003
Top of the Ninth, No Outs, October 2003
It's Groundhog Day All Over Again, February 2004
Adam's Big Birthday Bash for Cash Evite, 2004
Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty, December 2004
No Joy in Mudville, May 2005
Adam's Most Me'tzu'yan Annual Birthday Charity Bonanza Evite, 2005
(Memories of) the Oldest Brody, August 2005
Let Independence Be, September 2005
Contractual Obligation, December 2005
Are User Experienced, March 2006
Now She Belongs to the Ages, May 2006
Adam's Birthday Fundraiser July 2006
No Cash, Just Czechs, September 2006
How to Make a Small Fortune on Severance Pay, December 2006
Everyday Usability, February 2007
Sde Boker Tov, April 2007
I've Seen This Movie Before--Did I Call it, or What?, May 2007
Birthday Fundraiser 2007-- 2 for 1, August 2007
All You Need is Cash, August 2007
Trick or Treat or Treif?, September 2007
The Area Under the Curve, February 2008
Another Birthday Fund Raiser!, August 2008
Chicken Luggage, December 2008
Silicon Valley Survivor, April 2009
Yet Another Birthday Fundraiser--Now in HD!, August 2009
You Betcha!, August 2009
Untitled #4, February 2010

Guest Book—Current, 2008 Archive

Cradle of Aviation Museum--Honor Roll - Director's cut

MVTC Court Report

2002	2003
January/February	February
March	March
April	April
May	May
June	June
July	July
August	August
September	September
October	October
November	November

Jewish Bulletin of Northern California

Aleza Goldsmith. "The 'new poor' in Argentina fight to put on a happy face," Jewish Bulletin of Northern California, December 6, 2002.

Aleza Goldsmith. "Argentina mission is eye-opener for area YAD members," Jewish Bulletin of Northern California, November 15, 2002.

Adam Brody. "Bay Area's largest singles group reaching out to new Americans," Jewish Bulletin of Northern California, June 27, 1997.

Aerospace Writings

NASA Human Information Processing Research Branch

NASA Human Systems Integration Division

NASA Technical Reports Server

Refereed Articles

Adam R. Brody. "Further Analysis of EVA Self-Rescue Data (IAA 92-385)," Space Safety and Rescue 1992, Science and Technology Series, Vol. 84, 1994, pp. 113-121, San Diego: American Astronautical Society.

Adam R. Brody, Rick Jacoby and Stephen R. Ellis. "EVA Self-Rescue Simulation in the Virtual Interactive Environment Workstation (VIEW) (IAA 91-584)," Space Safety and Rescue 1991, Science and Technology Series, Vol. 82, 1993, pp. 59-76, San Diego: American Astronautical Society.

Adam R. Brody. Logistics and Operations Implications of Manual Control of Spacecraft Docking Maneuvers - The Electronic Journal of the Astronomical Society of the Atlantic Vol. 5, No. 3 - October 1993.

Adam R. Brody. Space Operations and the Human Factor, Aerospace America, Vol. 31, No. 10, October 1993, pp. 18-21.

Adam R. Brody, Stephen R. Ellis, Arthur Grunwald, and Richard F. Haines. Interactive Displays for Trajectory Planning and Proximity Operations, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 30, No. 4, July/August 1993, pp. 514-518.

Adam R. Brody, The Significance of Logistics in Spacecraft Docking (Berthing) Maneuvers, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 30, No. 4, July/August 1993, pp. 519-520.

Adam R. Brody. Further Analysis of EVA Self-Rescue Data, The Electronic Journal of the Astronomical Society of the Atlantic, Vol. 4, No. 5, December, 1992.

Adam R. Brody. Soviet Spacecraft Docking Experience, The Electronic Journal of the Astronomical Society of the Atlantic, Vol. 4, No. 3, October 1992, (excerpts in "Space Views," Volume year 1992, Issue 12, published by the National Space Society, Boston Chapter Inc.)

Adam R. Brody, Rick Jacoby and Stephen R. Ellis. Extravehicular Activity Self-Rescue Using a Hand-Held Thruster, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 29, No. 6, November/December 1992, pp. 842-848.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Acceleration and Pulse Control in Simulated Spacecraft Docking Maneuvers, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 28, No. 6, November/December 1991, pp. 728-730.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Effect of an Anomalous Thruster Input During a Simulated Docking Maneuver, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 27, No. 6, November/December 1990, pp. 630-633.

Adam R. Brody. eivaN: An Interactive Orbital Trajectory Planning Tool, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 27, No. 6, November/December 1990, pp. 681-683.

Adam R. Brody. Evaluation of the "0.1% Rule" for Docking, Journal of Spacecraft and Rockets, Vol. 27, No. 1, January/February 1990, pp. 7-8.

NASA Publications

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Measurement of Performance Using Acceleration Control and Pulse Control in Simulated Spacecraft Docking Operations, Proceedings of the Fifth Annual Workshop on Space Operations Applications and Research (SOAR '91), NASA CP-3127, Feb. 1992.

Adam R. Brody. Plotting Orbital Trajectories for Maneuvers, NASA Tech Briefs, Vol. 15, No. 10, October 1991, p. 68.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis (Eds.). Manual Control Aspects of Orbital Flight, NASA CP-10056, December 1990.

Adam R. Brody. Recovery from an Anomalous Thruster Input During a Simulated Docking Maneuver, Proceedings of the Fourth Annual Workshop on Space Operations Applications and Research Symposium (SOAR '90), NASA CP-3103, Jan. 1991.

Adam R. Brody. "EivaN - An Interactive Orbital Trajectory Planning Tool," COSMIC Software Catalog, NASA-CR-185888, 1990, p. 79.

Adam R. Brody. Remote Operation of an Orbital Maneuvering Vehicle in Simulated Docking Maneuvers, Proceedings of the Third Annual Workshop on Space Operations Automation and Robotics (SOAR '89), NASA CP-3059, Mar. 1990.

Adam R. Brody. Modifications to the NASA Ames Space Station Proximity Operations (PROX OPS) Simulator, NASA-CR-177510, October 1988.

Adam R. Brody. Spacecraft Flight Simulation: A Human Factors Investigation Into the Man-Machine Interface Between an Astronaut and a Spacecraft Performing Docking Maneuvers and Other Proximity Operations, NASA-CR-177502, September 1988.

Adam R. Brody. eivaN: A Forward-Looking Interactive Orbital Trajectory Plotting Tool for Use with Proximity Operations (PROX OPS) and Other Maneuvers Description and User's Manual, NASA-CR-177490, April 1988.

Conference Publications

John Connell and Adam R. Brody. Object-Oriented Rapid Prototyping (OORP) on the Centrifuge Facility Project, (93-4624), American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics Computing in Aerospace 9 Conference, San Diego, CA, October 19-21, 1993.

Adam R. Brody and John Connell. Prototyping the Human Computer Interface for the Space Station Centrifuge Facility, (93-4240), American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics Space Programs and Technologies Conference, Huntsville, AL, September 21-23, 1993.

Adam R. Brody. Space Station Centrifuge Project (CFP) Resource Tracking, (5SLS-034), Society of Logistics Engineers/American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics Fifth Space Logistics Symposium, Huntsville, AL, May 24-26, 1993.

Adam R. Brody. Further Analysis of EVA Self-Rescue Data, (IAA-92-0385), World Space Congress, Washington, DC. August 28-September 5, 1992.

Adam R. Brody. Motion-Based Simulation of Extra-Vehicular Rescue, (92-0593), American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics 30th Aerospace Sciences Meeting, Reno, NV, January 1992.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Logistics and Operations Implications of Manual Control of Spacecraft (91-4094), American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics/Society of Logistics Engineers Fourth Space Logistics Symposium, Cocoa Beach, FL, November 1991.

Adam R. Brody, Rick Jacoby & Stephen R. Ellis. Man Overboard! What Next?, 42nd International Astronautical Congress, (IAA-91-584), Montreal, Canada, October 1991.

Adam R. Brody, Rick Jacoby & Stephen R. Ellis. Simulation of Extra-Vehicular Activity (EVA) Self-Rescue, 21st International Conference on Environmental Systems, Society of Automotive Engineers Technical Paper 911574, San Francisco, CA, July 1991, (SAE Transactions Vol. 100, Sect. 1, Part 2, pp. 1833-1840.)

Marc M. Cohen and Adam R. Brody. Human Factors Architectural Design Issues for Crew Safety on Interstellar Spacecraft, 28th Space Congress, Cocoa Beach, Fla. April 23-26, 1991.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Comparison of Acceleration Control and Pulse Control in Simulated Spacecraft Docking Maneuvers, (91-0787), 29th Aerospace Sciences Meeting, American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics Reno, NV, January 1991.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. Manual Control Aspects of Space Station Docking Maneuvers, 20th International Conference on Environmental Systems, Society of Automotive Engineers Technical Paper 901202, Williamsburg, VA, July 1990

Adam R. Brody. eivaN: An Interactive Orbital Trajectory Planning Tool for the Macintosh®, Society of Logistics Engineers/American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics Third Space Logistics Symposium, Colorado Springs, Colorado, April-May 1990.

Adam R. Brody and Stephen R. Ellis. The Effect of Initial Velocity on Ability to Recover From an Uncommanded Thruster Input During a Simulated Docking, (90-0519), 28th Aerospace Sciences Meeting, American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics, Reno, NV, January, 1990.

Adam R. Brody and Curt Lomax. Development of an EVA Self-Rescue Technique for Space Station, Intersociety Conference on Environmental Systems, Society of Automotive Engineers Technical Paper No. 891594, San Diego, CA, July 1989.

Adam R. Brody. The Effect of Initial Velocity on Manually Controlled Remote Docking of an Orbital Maneuvering Vehicle (OMV) to a Space Station, 27th Aerospace Sciences Meeting, American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics 89-0400, Reno, NV, January 1989.

Adam R. Brody et. al. An Evaluation of Interactive Displays for Trajectory Planning and Proximity Operations, (88-3963), Proceedings of the AIAA/IEEE 8th Digital Avionics Systems Conference, American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics, San Jose, CA, October 1988.

MIT Publications

Adam Brody, "Students Unhappy ", The Tech, Vol. 102, No. 40, p. 5, April 16, 1982.
Adam Brody, "and the dead", The Tech, Vol. 102, No. 40, p. 6, September 28, 1982.
Adam Brody, "LSC Was Not Responsible for Dr. Demento Show Content", The Tech, Vol. 104, No. 5, p. 5, March 16, 1984.

Other

Dictionary of International Biography, International Biographical Centre, Cambridge, England.
Personalities of America, The American Biographical Institute, Inc.
Who's Who Among Young American Professionals, The Society of Young American Professionals.Who's Who in California, Who's Who Historical Society.
Who's Who of Emerging Leaders in America, MARQUIS Who's Who.
Who's Who in Science and Engineering, MARQUIS Who's Who.
Who's Who in the West, MARQUIS Who's Who.

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Another Birthday Fund Raiser!

2008-07-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

Another Birthday Fundraiser!

The Area Under the Curve

2008-02-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

In October, I learned of a great cruise to South America that spanned Christmas and New Year’s. I typically avoid going away during this time of the year as I don’t like to miss celebrating with my friends at home. However, in recent years the menu of party choices has shrunk. Since I had not taken a cruise for several years, and since I had an unusually large number of days off from work, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to vacate the country and learn first-hand why the world hates US.

Come on the amazing journey
And learn all you should know.
--PT, 1969

Captain’s Log: Day 1
Before sunrise, I took a train to the airport. I almost couldn’t get out of the starting gate at SFO because the plane had a flat tire. I don’t think I’ve ever been grounded because of a flat tire before, but fortunately the tire got changed and I was on my way before I got too anxious about missing my connection in LAX. Finding my connecting flight at LAX was surprisingly challenging leading me to wonder how non-English speakers manage in this country and also how I sometimes have less difficulty in other countries than here. Nevertheless, I found the LAX international terminal, paused for long enough at LIM to exit the plane and take a few pictures, and headed to SCL.

Captain’s Log: Day 2
After taking a train to a train to a train to a plane to a bus to a plane to a bus to a plane to a 2-hour bus ride, I finally made it to Valparaiso. After traveling through Los Angeles, Lima, and Santiago I was in my fourth Spanish-speaking city in a day. I was surprised to learn that there was a two hour time difference between Lima and Santiago as I imagined that we were going further south than east. I figured this difference was due to Santiago choosing to celebrate Daylight Saving Time earlier than Lima does. (Indeed right before the end of our trip, we learned that our departure flights were pushed back an hour while our arrival times in the States were mysteriously left unchanged. This was due to a surprise Argentinean observance of Daylight Savings Time. I always thought China is smart to have just one time zone for the entire country even though the land area spans five. Of course, they also know how to make things both sweet and sour simultaneously.)

As usual, I was one of the first people to arrive, so I boarded the ship with plenty of time to explore, look for my roommate, and take inventory of the ship. I also discovered a musician, whose performances I later enjoyed on a number of occasions. I began to meet some of the team and we set sail.

One of the organizers of our trip told us that we should not get anxious about the tremendous variety of activities available to us every day; we should consider them choices not challenges. This is a very pertinent suggestion for someone like me as I hate missing things. As Great Grandma Rose said, you “can’t be in two places with one behind” and as someone with more interests than time, I have been haunted by the veracity of that statement for much of my life. Indeed, life is about balance.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 3
We spent the second day entirely at sea. For the first few days I arranged my bunk, sought the other cool kids, recruited people for my softball team and enjoyed bumping into friends during the course of my normal business. It was kind of like camp without the fire or college without the calculus. I also began to meet people outside of our group; they enjoyed hearing of my adventures as the trip progressed.

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge; it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 4
After a full day at sea, we landed in Puerto Montt, Chile, where I had arranged to go white water rafting. I had never rafted in glacier-fed water and the snow-covered mountains and other scenery were spectacular. The Petrohué river is rated class III-IV, so we had quite an adventure. One of the first set of rapids was named Foreplay. I asked the guide what came after foreplay. He said Chicken and Swiss Cheese. I guess things are different on this side of the equator and I wondered whether this was another effect of Coriolis. Afterwards, we enjoyed some local hooch before returning to the ship.

The ship did not park at a dock in most of the ports. Rather, we took tenders--that operated as shuttles--from the ship to land. Watching the tenders dock to the ship reminded me of my docking research at NASA and MIT.

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
--CD, 1887

Captain’s Log: Day 5
On Christmas, we passed through the Chilean Fjords. The scenery was spectacular. On a number of occasions I had the ear of the resident naturalist and I enjoyed learning about pole reversals, plate tectonics, zig zag topiary, and auroras. During breaks in the viewing, I employed Christmas counter-measures, which must have worked as I didn’t see any reindeer until several days later.

The Church says that the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the Church.
--FM, 1480-1521

Captain’s Log: Day 6
On the following day, we cruised through the Straits of Magellan, inventor of the Global Positioning System and the mutual fund. It’s the shortest passage between the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans between two land masses. In celebration, some of us dined in the fancy restaurant, S. S. United States, and I enjoyed one of the finest meals I’ve ever had. I was very impressed with how carefully the sommelier tasted the wine to ensure our safety and how the waiter prepared my plate almost as well as Mom did when I was a child.

Oh, show me round your snow peaked mountain way down south
--JPMcC, 1968

Captain’s Log: Day 7
We awoke early the following morning to enjoy the scenery and prepare for our first penguin hunt at Magdalena Island Natural Penguin Reserve off Punta Arenas Chile. We ferried across the Straits of Magellan to discover 70,000 Magellan penguins, one of the largest collections in Southern Chile. The penguins are very amusing and I wondered what they thought of all the people who invaded their home periodically.

We returned from the island early enough to explore the town for a bit and meet some friends, before re-boarding the ship. That night, we saw a Brazilian show that reminded me of one I saw in Brazil a few years ago when I went to Cataratas do Iguaçu. I enjoyed most of the shows on the ship even if they weren’t always as good as recent ones I’ve seen with Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Lee Lewis, or Neil Young, or at the Club Adam luau or Just L’s birthday dinner.

A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 8
Ushuaia, Argentina (55° S) is closer to the South Pole than any other city. I can now say that I’ve been to the end of the world. We arose early in the morning to watch the sunrise and other scenery, and later cruised the Beagle Channel in search of Snoopy and Darwin. On the catamaran, our guide was eager for us to share maté with her as is their custom. When others shied away, I rose to the challenge and enjoyed some maté, which reminded me of my experience near Buenos Aires on my previous trip.

We passed by the Isla de los Pajaros (Bird Island) and around Isla de los Lobos (Sea Wolves Island) before landing at Lapataia Bay to explore Tierra del Fuego National Park, the southernmost national park in the world. On the bus around the park, we learned that some people eat the indigenous beaver even though many don’t like the taste. After a brief tour of the Park, we returned to the Infinity to celebrate Shabbat.

While exploring one day, I learned that Dr. A knew people from my last Israel trip. He also knew an MIT buddy, whose spacesuit glove work I inherited and who, like me, also got close to being selected as an astronaut. Another new friend knew Captain L from when they were kids. It’s certainly an amazing journey where I go to the end of the world to find people who know friends of mine from back home.

We can allow satellites, planets, suns, universe, nay whole systems of universes, to be governed by laws, but the smallest insect, we wish to be created at once by special act.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 9
We spent Saturday rounding Cape Horn and enjoying the scenery. This was one of the occasions that I thought of Buzz Aldrin’s comment about the moon: “magnificent desolation.” This area is so remote that the Chilean military base is occupied by only two people and their child.

Since we were up early in the morning and we were only a few hundred miles from Antarctica, many people were cold, and the crew offered their assistance. As usual, I was warm, and I was happy to lend my clothes to others. The waters here are typically rough and have been claiming ships for centuries. Indeed, because a cruise ship sank here a few months before our trip, we scored its berth in one of the ports and were able to bypass the tender shuffle on one occasion. That night we enjoyed a midnight movie in the theater after observing havdalah.

False facts are highly injurious to the progress of science, for they often endure long; but false views, if supported by some evidence, do little harm, for every one takes a salutary pleasure in proving their falseness.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 10
Sunday was another day at sea. This gave us a chance to enjoy the facilities in the Persian (Gulf) Spa, the Thallosopoli [sic] pool, the swimming pool, and the hot tub, which was great, as I’ve long enjoyed water sports.

I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term of Natural Selection.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 11
On the last day of 2007, we landed at Port Stanley, Falkland Islands, where we were excited to find the largest colony of King penguins in the world and their friends. They are really quite funny to watch and are quite photogenic. In addition, we also found about 1000 Gentoo and several thousand Magellanic penguins. I had trouble remembering their names and I imagine they were equally challenged with ours. Nevertheless, it was a joy watching penguins swim and dance sideways. Also, I found it fascinating that the King penguins have a pre-nuptial moult, just like humans.

We had a very fun jeep ride to Volunteer Point, located about 50 miles from Stanley. Our driver was very entertaining and taught us about local mating rituals. Indeed, back in the real world yet another study revealed that male monkeys pay female monkeys for sex.

Without Goose running interference and inspiring me, people were taking pictures of my butt rather than the reverse. One of my new friends mentioned that she has “more pictures of [my] ass than other wildlife” leading me to wonder which other wildlife were taking pictures of my butt.

Later in the ride, I was excited to find some underpants gnomes. Our most excellent driver got us so close that I could hear them singing! Shortly thereafter, I noticed that the British continue like to have fun with street signs. Their Give Way sign reminded me of the Way Out ones I saw in the London Underground years ago. We returned to the ship to have dinner and enjoy a long night of New Year’s celebrations.

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 12
New Year’s Day offered a relaxing day at sea punctuated by a slot machine tournament. The trip had been very action-packed and I rarely got more than a few hours sleep each evening. Fearing that the pace might cause me to get sick, I took care of my health by eating sushi and other sources of Vitamin C to prevent scurvy, washing my hands often, and loading up on anti-oxidants. Also, I was grateful that I wasn’t gaining weight despite loading up on buffets, dinners, desserts, alcohol, and other things more than usual. To compensate, I worked out a lot and the benefits really showed. Also, I rarely took the elevator either for going up or going down even though it was a sweet ride.

Man tends to increase at a greater rate than his means of subsistence.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 13
After we landed at Puerto Madryn, Argentina, we took a bus to a natural park at Peninsula Vales and we saw sea elephants enjoying the beach at Caleta Valdes. We noticed some interesting signs by the beach and strange food in the gift shop.

The very essence of instinct is that it’s followed independently of reason.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 14
On January 3, we had another day at sea en route to Punta del Este, Montevideo and we enjoyed the ship’s facilities. That evening, we had our last formal night and I enjoyed singing karaoke a few times. I had been practicing my Mick Jagger moves for The Rolling Stones’ It’s Only Rock and Roll but I Like it or Beast of Burden, but they didn’t have either of them available so I settled for I Got You Babe.

To kill an error is as good a service as, and sometimes even better than, the establishing of a new truth or fact.
--CD, 1809-1882

Captain’s Log: Day 15
Bad weather prevented us from landing at Punta del Este, Uruguay, so we plowed ahead and scored a bonus day in Montevideo. I found the people there to be friendly and my friends were impressed that I couldn’t take a quick casa de pepe break without making friends. The market in Montevideo reminded me of the one I saw in Budapest. To ensure my safety and security, I made sure to press the flesh with the policia touristica and otherwise follow directions.

Well it’s not far back to sanity
At least it’s not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find serenity
--CC, 1980

Captain’s Log: Day 16
We took a Jewish Heritage tour on our second day in Montevideo. We went to services at a traditional Sephardic Synagogue and met some of the locals at lunch afterwards. After lunch, we saw the only Holocaust Memorial in South America, where the train tracks reminded me of those I saw at Treblinka a few years ago. We also saw the old Synagogue in the former Jewish area of town. It is now used only on special occasions as Jews no longer live in the immediate vicinity.

Later in the tour, we visited other important monuments. Back on the ship that evening, we had our awards assembly.

The bottles stand as empty, as they were filled before.
Time there was and plenty, but from that cup no more.
Though I could not caution all, I still might warn a few:
Don’t lend your hand to raise no flag atop no ship of fools.
--RH, 1974

Captain’s Log: Day 17
The ship landed in Buenos Aires early in the morning and since I had visited previously, I did not feel like taking a city tour that would touch only the highlights. However, since my flight did not leave until midnight that night, I thought I would prefer spending the day with my friends than sitting at the airport bar.

Not only did I review sites from my previous visit such as Madonna’s balcony, and the store where I designed my leather jacket, but I saw new things and points of interest also.

We finally got to the airport after a full day. Pomp and circumstance at EZE took forever and evidenced why we needed to get there so early. Much of the time it felt like the tortoise and the tortoise. Definitely not a good user experience and I mentally began designing a better one. I spent many hours at the airport as I was on one of the last flights.

I then slept much of the way to MIA. I always look forward to returning home after a trip and at MIA, I was reminded of the sweetness awaiting me there.

In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.
--CD, 1809-1882

Upon exiting my plane at SFO I heard what I thought was someone singing. It turned out to be Special K shouting into her cell phone! She and Diver Doug were returning from their own adventures and graciously offered to give me a lift home with the Squishy Delivery Service. As I was still hoping to slip into work that day before anyone noticed that I was gone, I greatly appreciated the expedited airport transfer. En route to Club Adam, we exchanged tales of our respective adventures and Special K reiterated her request for me to write a book on user experience design. I’m very flattered, but I’m still trying to determine what I have to say that I have not read elsewhere. Since she is relentless, I’ll have to come up with something.

I finally got home after traveling for several days. I dropped my bags, showered, and took the toy train over to work. Fortunately, my badge worked when I arrived, and my computer verified my login credentials. I’m always grateful when I return home from vacation and my job is still there waiting for me as that is not always the case. Several weeks after I returned from my trip, my employer announced record revenues and other good numbers. Always willing to do whatever it takes to aid my employer, I immediately began planning another vacation.

Oh yeah. For the record. Everybody I met on my trip was friendly and I never learned why the world hates US.

anks-Thay for playing.

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Find more to read in the Table of Contents

Trick or Treat or Treif?

2007-09-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
--NM, RW, RW, DG, 1973

Fourteen years, 16 jobs and 100 lifetimes ago I left my job as the lead UI designer for the space station’s largest payload. After a few consulting gigs (ignored in the previous total) I landed at Pacific Bell as the lead UI designer for the phone company’s largest internal product. Since this product was very important and had to be running 24 x 7, 13 of us each took turns carrying a cell phone and a pager for a week in case there was a problem.

Yes, it’s true, I actually had a cell phone years before everybody—except me—had one. (OK, OK, stop laughing and let me continue. Seriously, stop laughing.) At least I had one for one out of every 13 weeks for work. I tried to explain to my colleagues that if someone needed assistance because the product was not working that I would be useless in providing first aid and that giving me the duty phone once a quarter amounted to a lousy user experience to whomever would call. The check boxes and other controls that I strategically positioned on the screens could not break and I had no skills for fixing anything that could break.

As usual, my lobbying efforts failed. Consequently, when the phone rang, I would say, “reboot and I’ll get my best people right on it.” I would then return to whatever I was previously doing secure in knowing that I did what I was asked to do and that I was getting paid much more money for much less work than when I was at NASA.

The deeper I go in considering the vanities of popular reasoning, the lighter and more foolish I find them.
--GG, c1630

Fast forwarding to the present, some people seem to be amazed that my life is so much more active than theirs particularly since I lack the life-saving assistance of a cell phone. They wonder how I am able to travel more, attend more concerts, dinners, theater, parties and other activities without packing a cell in my utility belt. From my perspective, I don’t quite get their wonderment.

For years I’ve observed people on cell phones almost everywhere I go. I see people using their cells at weddings, religious services, in the bathroom, at concerts, at movies, at the theater, while driving, on the tennis courts, and many other places. Personally, when I’m at these events, I prefer to be present and attend to the business at hand, particularly in the bathroom.

Since I don’t like missing out on things, I’ve been wondering what I’ve been missing by not having a cell. As I’ve done with extremely popular movies and TV shows that somehow don’t appeal to me, I’ve spent a lot of cycles trying to find a need or use for a cell and I have yet to justify the purchase.

Since I and everyone I know have more things than we know what to do with, I am very particular about making purchases as I don’t want to add to the clutter, the landfill, or the complexity of my life. Consequently, I’ve long been a late adopter. For example, having hundreds of records and tapes, I waited as long as possible before buying CDs. When only a few albums were still being pressed in vinyl, however, I finally had to start buying CDs. (That’s not to say that I’m never on the leading edge. Over 15 years ago, I was one of the first to buy a surround sound processor and I still know very few people who own one.)

So I performed ethnographic research to learn the use cases for cells. People told me that they use them when they are late, lost, commuting, and to call long distance. Since the first two don’t apply to me, since I choose only employers that require short commutes, and since I currently pay less money for better long distance service than cells provide, I struck out here. I also learned that people have cells to keep in contact with their spouse and children. I unfortunately don’t yet have these needs. I know one or two people who use cells as their only phone. This would be my choice as I don’t want yet another place to have to check for messages and I don’t want to complicate other people’s lives by giving them yet another number for me.

Thinking about these use cases, I remembered that I’ve met people in Brussels, Amsterdam, Tel Aviv, Tiberias, London, and places closer to home armed with nothing more than an address. Similarly, when I invite someone to a concert, s/he says yes, I buy tickets, and we go and have a great time. Or, when someone invites me to play tennis, I accept, and I arrive ahead of schedule and under budget. I’m not quite sure where the cell is supposed to feature in any of those workflows. Unless...

I am a simple man
So I play a simple tune.
--GN, 1971

Many years and lifetimes ago, I met Howard Rheingold at my NASA Virtual Reality lab when he was writing his virtual reality book. Some years later, and already some years ago, I met him again as he was autographing my copy of his recent book, Smart Mobs. In it, he reports that cell phones enable kids in Japan to be late. Essentially, the cell serves as a license to be late. Similarly, in Norway, cells enable kids to postpone committing to activities in advance so they can decide on the spot. In both places, the cells let them be less disciplined regarding time and commitments. Since I don’t like missing out on things, I don’t want this happening to me.

Analogously, astronauts lose bone and muscle mass in space since they need less of each without the stress of gravity. People lose their mental faculties when they stop using them. People lose tennis skills when they don’t practice often. Essentially, talents and capabilities atrophy without the need for them. The other side of rising to a challenge is being spoiled by ease. I enjoy rising.

Although your mind’s opaque
Try thinking more if just for your own sake
The future still looks good
And you’ve got time to rectify
All the things that you should
Do what you want to do
And go where you’re going to
Think for yourself
’Cause I won’t be there with you
--GH, 1965

I’ve been very puzzled by the need that people claim they have for cell phones, a product that none of them had ten years ago. After all, Harriet Tubman didn’t need a cell phone to keep the Underground Railroad running on time. Sacajawea didn’t need a cell phone to guide Lewis and Clark around the country. Billie Jean King didn’t need a cell phone to beat Bobby Riggs in tennis. Marie Curie didn’t need a cell phone to win two Nobel prizes. Why do people need them all of a sudden?

No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
--DB, c1900

Some people report that they like to use their cells while they are driving. Studies show that driving under the influence of even a handheld cell phone is equivalent to driving while drinking, and frankly, I would rather have the cocktail than try to talk with someone over the road noise. Also, since I prefer to spend time with people rather than on the phone with them, and since a short commute plays a large role in my employer decisions, I don’t have these situations often. Finally, some people like to use cell phones to call long distance, but since I currently pay less money for better service than they do, this case doesn’t fit me either. I don’t mind if others love their cell phones, but for me, a cell phone is a solution in search of problems I don’t have.

On the other hand, when I was at a festival and I noticed a girl crying because she fell and scraped her knee, I reached into my backpack and handed her a few bandages. On several other occasions, a friend was cold at an outdoor concert and I reached into my bag and handed her a jacket. I’m 99 44/100% certain that in these cases my contingency tools provided more comfort and assistance than a cell phone would have provided. Similarly, I enjoy scuba diving and playing tennis. When I’m facing a shark 30 feet under water or facing a 100mph serve, I’m glad that I prefer to own a mask and a racquet as they support my lifestyle better than I believe a cell phone would.

Essentially, I prefer activities that don’t require cell phones such as playing tennis and scuba diving. Other people prefer activities where cell phones are needed such as being late, lost, non-committal and unreachable.

Finally, I’m reminded of a graduate school buddy who carried a pocket knife. He assured me that he found use for it every day. I have a few that live in drawers at home and I cannot recall a single day that I wish I had one with me. I guess I just don’t find that many things that need cutting on a routine basis.

But he has nothing on!
--HCA, 1837

Some people claim that having a cell makes them more accessible, but I have much more difficulty reaching people on their cells than any of them have reaching me. Regarding accessibility, I’m already more connected than most people. I’m near the phone and Internet 10-15 hours per day at home and 9-10 hours per day at work managing the many components of my empire. I respond to emails and phone messages within hours almost around the clock.

It is so easy to get a hold of me that strangers do so all the time! One way is via online networks. People sometimes comment about my large network on LinkedIn. In fact, LinkedIn was so impressed(?) with my profile that when I interviewed there, they told me that they used my profile in their mockups for design modifications. Similarly, my Friendster account is filled with hundreds of friends, some of whom who know me. My Facebook account is new and growing rapidly and my MySpace account gets so much attention from people who think I’m the actor on the O. C. that I had to deputize Goose to work the velvet rope as I attended to more pressing components of my empire.

Continuing my investigation, I’ve wondered when my cell would be on if I had one. When I’m playing tennis, biking, swimming, trying to blend in, at the theater, ass riding, window shopping, at a wedding, enjoying a sandwich, bathing, driving, taking a shower, relaxing, working out, having another sandwich, swinging free, entertaining the tennis club, at a concert, accepting my trophy, playing with kids, playing with my niece, jamming with the band, driving a car, training with the cadets, dancing, visiting my neighbor, hiking out of cell range, dressed to impress, dining, at a party, at a luau, at another concert, accepting my tennis club’s responsiveness award, at a protest, or when my hands are otherwise full I would not be available by cell phone even were I to have one. In any case, I prefer that the headhunters who call me daily leave me messages on my machine at home than disturb me during one of my events or at work.

I also don’t need one during the brief intermezzo times between these activities as it would just hamper my progress from one to the next. I couldn’t possibly squeeze any more into my life. Which activities should I sacrifice to make time available to talk on a cell? Frankly, I’m glad to be off the grid while I’m soaking in the hot tub between matches, for example. Like Mel Brooks’ and Carl Reiner’s 2000 year old man, who breast-fed for 200 years, and John Candy’s character in Splash, when something works for me, I stick with it.

I already have too many things competing for my attention and attendance. When I’m playing tennis, I’m thinking about what I’m having for lunch, if I can squeeze in a soak before my next activity, or what I’ll be doing the rest of the day or evening. When I’m in meetings, I’m thinking about whom to invite to a concert or party. (Don’t tell my boss.) I’m concerned about handling more distractions. If anything, I need more time being disconnected. I need my Shabbat.

Perfection, then, is finally achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
--AdSE, c1940

As we’ve seen before, I tend to blur my personal and professional lives. Just as with the preferences I’ve outlined above, I design products so that users are not lost. When people ask me to redesign an error message or dialog, I redesign the product to prevent the error from occurring. I eliminate steps in processes as users are not interested in processes but rather in accomplishing something. Finally, like other good user experience designers, I don’t use technology for technology’s sake; it has to provide value.

I have long believed that there is elegance in simplicity and I have been designing user interfaces accordingly. I once won an award for improving usability by removing pages from an installation routine. Indeed, lately there have been a lot of articles in the usability world concerning simplicity. While most experts agree with me that simplicity typically enhances usability, people often choose to buy products that are too complex to be usable. I prefer to keep Occam’s razor sharp and minimize complexity by not having yet another device that needs to be charged, checked for messages, carefully carried, and otherwise maintained. I have enough distractions in my life and prefer to be with the people who are with me at the concert or other event than with others on the phone.

We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
--SLC, 1900

Every time I receive an email from a friend asking me for my phone number because she lost her cell phone, every time someone asks me to call her back on another number because she’s low on batteries or minutes or it is a bad connection, every time I hear someone complain that she can’t afford a $15 dinner because she spends $40 a month on a cell phone, every time I see someone scramble to stifle her cell phone at a wedding, movie, or other event I can’t help but wonder if it’s all worth it.

I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
--BW, TA, 1966

Clearly, Madison Avenue, Solomon Asch, and the naked emperor have much better luck with others than with me.

Quod erat demonstrandum. Your witness. Release the flames.

Mellon, we need you.
--RD, GF, & DS, 1986

As those who know me well know, when I first applied to be an astronaut, I scored a Highly Qualified status as I made it through the first two cuts and got to within a few dozen people of an interview. For years since then, NASA annually flattered me by asking me to keep my application current. Several years ago, NASA finally admitted that they had more rookie astronauts than they had flight seats left in the shuttle program so they stopped selecting new astronauts.

Recently, however, the Manager of the Astronaut Selection Office asked me to submit my application for the Astronaut Candidate Program. I guess with missions to the moon and Mars in the near future, there are more flight seats becoming available. With my typically impeccable timing, I’ll probably get a cell phone right before they send me to the moon, and there won’t yet be towers there to deliver my calls.

Diolch for playing.

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All You Need is Cash©

2007-08-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
Waiting for someone to tell you everything
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
Maybe a diamond ring
Well it’s all right, even if they say you’re wrong
Well it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
--TW, 1988

As loyal readers will remember, my phone has been ringing off the hook with job prospects for years. This comes in handy every time my employer circles the wagons and prefers to expose their customers to lousy user interfaces than pay my exorbitant salary. Consequently, it’s a refreshing break to be in demand rather than in supply.

Being on the good side of the supply/demand curve meant I did not have to go to extraordinary measures tracking down people who did not return phone calls or who were otherwise unreliable, unresponsive, or undependable. Also, I did not have to settle for geographical, financial or other conditions that were not to my liking, which was a welcome contrast. I know others who are not as fortunate in their pursuits as I am in mine.

If you don’t know where you’re going,
Any road will take you there.
--GH, 2003

I often try to travel when I am between jobs. Friends typically ask how I can travel when I am not working. As is often the case, I look at things differently than most. (Some find this trait endearing and refreshing. Others find it challenging and threatening.) I figure the most expensive part of traveling is the opportunity cost of not earning money; when I’m not working, I’m already paying that. The additional cost of airfare and other travel expenses is usually small in comparison.

I decided that this would be a good time to collect on last year’s birthday present of a trip to Vegas to see Love as I did not want my upcoming birthday to occur first and box out the arrival of additional presents. I had a great time with my folks exploring Vegas, dining in great restaurants, and seeing things we don’t see elsewhere. I wondered why we needed to strip to ride the monorail, but I figured when in Vegas, do as the Vegans do. Cirque du Soleil was great and Mom even got Sir Paul and Ringo to sing Happy Birthday to me!

Scan not a friend with a microscopic glass
You know his faults, now let the foibles pass
Life is one long enigma, my friend
So read on, read on, the answer's at the end
--GH, 1975

In between days with multiple interviews I took the opportunity to otherwise entertain myself. I rolled out of bed one way to play tennis, rolled out of bed the other way to go swimming, and caught up on months of Letterman and years of Smithsonian. One day, I biked over to one of only 11 7-Elevens in the country that were turned into KWIK-E-MARTs in preparation for The Simpsons Movie. I was very honored that they located one so close to where I live. Another day, I biked over to the largest collections of Rodins outside Paris.

Thinking about all of the great weather, restaurants, festivals, and other things that I have so close to home made me feel bad for my friends who live in San Francisco as they complain about the difficulty of getting a tennis court for any length of time, they complain about the weather, and they complain about the drunk bums and gun shots keeping them up at night outside their homes. They also have to deal with crime and dirty streets, and are forced to pay a premium to eat at crowded, noisy restaurants. I’m not sure why they complain so much. At least they have opera nearby, which would be very convenient if any of them enjoyed opera.

I’ve got too much on my mind
I think of everything to be discovered
I hope there’s something to find
Searching for the time that has gone so fast
The time that I thought would last
My ever present past
--JPMcC, 2007

After a few months of interviews and related employment investigations, I finally picked an employer and thanked the others for playing. Coincidentally, the company’s stock rocketed up over 12% the day I signed (and over 2% on my first day of work and over 4% my first week). I wish it would have waited until my options were priced as I don’t want to be at the heart of another options backdating scandal.

One of the appeals of this company is the presence of a local luminary who is consulting for them. He interviewed me for the job and is clearly looking forward to working with me as well; they would not have hired me had he not provided his endorsement. In fact, at a recent technical society meeting, he and another widely recognized expert made a point of considering my views of the current topic. This reminded me of my last presentation at NASA. Buzz Aldrin was in the audience and I was honored to present my work, which was related to his MIT work 30 years earlier, to him.

Another big appeal of my new job is the short commute. I have more interests than anyone I know, so my time is always at a premium. I remember when I was little I used to go to work with Dad on school breaks. We would have to awaken before the sun, the squirrels, and Mom to take a car, a train, and a subway to get from our home on Long Island to his office in Manhattan. Dad spent the commute working The Times crossword puzzle and beating his friends at Bridge while I looked forward to riding the elevators in the World Trade Center and plotted my adventures with the photocopier. The journey was quite a mission. Since I now live in the center of the universe for user experience design, I feel very fortunate that so many companies have interest in my talents that I am able to turn down opportunities with much shorter commutes than Dad survived.

For the benefit of Mr. Kite
There will be a show tonight on trampoline
--JWOL, 1967

Like El Al a few months ago, my new company was not ready when I was. This disappointed me as I was eager to get to work and get away from the ringing phone. Nevertheless, I know how to keep busy and my last week before working was particularly busy. One day I walked to an Obon Festival, whatever that is, and another I toured the Lawrence Berkeley Hall of Science.

I also took advantage of USTA member benefits to enjoy the Bank of the West tennis tournament, one of the largest women’s tournaments and the first in the US Open Series. Olympus had a photo contest and I had a great time snapping pictures in search of the perfect entry. They also had a professional photographer who was intrigued not only with the shots I took at the tournament, but with those I took at Pt. Reyes the next day. Mr. Olympus was particularly impressed with a shot I took of a barn. I hope I win the camera that was offered as a prize.

It don't come easy,
You know it don't come easy.
It don't come easy,
You know it don't come easy.
--RS, 1971

Now that I’ve returned to work I miss exchanging recipes and gossiping with the other ladies of leisure at the Club Adam pool. I also miss the smarter half of Club Adam Lunchtime Bridge Squad. I trust they can find a replacement dummy.

My new company would not let me start for ten days because they had to prepare for me. However, when I arrived, there were a bunch of things that I could not do because I lacked access to certain systems. So much for preparing for my arrival. That’s OK, though, I’m never bored and I know how to entertain myself.

You say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too--yeah
--JPMcC, 1968

My folks came out for my birthday fundraiser this year, which I held on Mom’s birthday, and Mom told me that taking me home from the hospital after giving birth to me was her best birthday present ever. A hundred years later, it’s good to know that we can still celebrate together.

Mahalo for playing.

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I've Seen This Movie Before--Did I Call it, or What?

2007-05-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

It's a long road behind me
It's a long road ahead
If you follow every dream, you might get lost
If you follow every dream, you might get lost
--NY, 2005

When we last left our hero, he was recalling that rapid rises in his employer’s stock are followed by his losing his job. Always a fan of tradition, he lost his job right on schedule! Precisely as he predicted, a pronounced run up in stock price pre-empted his progression of prolonged employment. Actually, he prophesied this predicament months earlier when, only a few short weeks--which included Thanksgiving--after he joined the company, a reorganization caused him to report to a manager in Canada instead of the one he liked in Sunnyvale. Losing one’s champion is never a good thing. As he saw at NASA, Sony, and Symbol, whenever his manager departed due to retirement, reassignment, or demotion relative to his peers, his position became tenuous.

Shifting to first person...
At NASA, the boss who recruited me from MIT retired shortly after I arrived at NASA. I was very resourceful and managed to survive, even excel, for a few years. However, it got increasingly harder to hide from the budget axe, and after they cancelled the space station payload for which I was the UI designer, there was no place else to go. People often ask why I don’t return to NASA. Well, the labs and facilities did not exist before I started them and they are long gone now. There literally is nothing to which to return.

At Sony, a Vice President thought it would be great to start a usability program and built a group of engineers around me to implement my designs. Shortly after I arrived, he left. I did not realize at the time that that was the beginning of the end. The entire group is long gone now.

At Symbol, my boss lost stature with respect to his peers. I told him that I had seen this movie before and I did not like the way it ends. Never having seen the movie himself, he was not sure what to make of my prognostication. However, overcome by iambic pentameter at the beginning of Act V, he apologized when he understood. Endearingly, a young colleague I was mentoring was on the verge of tears when I broke the news that the political winds had blown me out the door. He was too young to have ever seen the movie previously.

In the most recent situation, much of the reason I joined the company was to work for a particular manager, who greatly impressed me. However, while visiting our Canadian offices five weeks into the job, I learned that he and the rest of my former group had been put out to the pasture of planned obsolescence, and that I was now reporting to someone in Canada. I knew right then and there that that was the beginning of the end. Canada has different tastes in entertainment, eh, and with William Shatner, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Mike Myers, Joni Mitchell and others preferring to live in the US, I knew I did not have a chance. That and my adventures at a conference in Vancouver years ago all but sealed my fate.

Women keep telling me that guys like a challenge, so I rose to this one. While I was uncomfortable much of the time at work, ironically, I caught myself singing to myself a few times shortly before the axe fell. As with most other places I worked since NASA, this company had never previously had an employee with my skill set. So as more and more people discovered me, I received more and more requests for assistance and got involved with projects for which I was not directly responsible.

I visited the Utah office and helped their engineers understand how to improve the usability of their product and how to increase consistency with the entire product line. As I had done elsewhere, I started a newsletter relating the latest industry research and trends to work that I was performing at the company. The kind folks in Technical Publications asked me to give them a presentation about my background and talents, and teach them the usability aspects related to online Help. My friends in Professional Services, as my boss referred to them, appreciated my asking them how our customers use our products. They also told me how much they valued how helpful I was at entertaining our visiting Support Engineers when they were in town and that they were planning a reward dinner for me. The leading architects in the company told me how glad they were that I was working for the company and how much they appreciated my contributions as the company had needed someone like me for some time.

Perhaps most interestingly, one of the local managers kept asking me for my expertise. I kept referring him to my manager, whom I said owned my time. I guess he was reluctant to do so as he ultimately told me that when he visited my Canadian boss several months prior, my boss said that he could not afford to spare any of my time. Pretty strange how my boss rapidly switched from not being able to spare any of my time to not wanting to pay for any of it.

While writing these thoughts, I was reminded of the similarities with more former employers. At another previous job, my foreign-born boss was similarly criticized for being difficult and for having political ambitions that negatively affected the quality of the product. There, too, I spent increasing amounts of time helping colleagues in a foreign country with their work and received recognition and accolades from an armada of local colleagues. Another similarity concerns another company, where Management told me that they had trouble retaining people. Am I the lightning rod, the canary in the coal mine, the catalyst, or the calm in the storm?

I can see by your eyes you must be lying
When you think I don't have a clue
Baby you're crazy
If you think that you can fool me
Because I've seen that movie too
--BT, 1973

Most ironic was the fact that in the weekly video conference with my boss, I was eager to show my boss the latest designs for a feature on which we had been collaborating. When I noticed one of the HR ladies in attendance, I knew what was happening and I began mentally taking inventory to remember what I needed to reclaim from around the company, to whom I needed to bid goodbye, and what I needed to erase on my computer. I also thought it was ironic that I had been regularly riding my bike to work, but now I had to return with my car the following day, Bike to Work Day, to collect my possessions.

So first of all let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear. . .is fear itself. . . nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.
--FDR, 1933

Make no mistake, rejection weighs heavy and I am drained by it all. Also, I’ve had enough other challenges recently with a dramatic rent increase, the disappearance of the Club Adam Breakfast Lady, and the reporting by the media that San Jose is the only metropolitan area in the country with more single men than single women. In fact, at the two weddings I attended in May, the ratio of single men to single women was greater than the ideal ratio of Omega-3 to Omega-6 fatty acids. Nevertheless, I still have gratitude for what I’ve got.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
--JM, 1966

Since I know how much people like happy endings, I want to leave readers with a few brief stories to cleanse the palate from the reality above.

Recently, I was excited to return to NASA for the Yuri’s Night celebration in honor of Yuri Gagarin, the first person in space. I had not been back to NASA in years so I was eager to see how it had changed since I worked there. The event was held in the hangar where I remember assisting with the Child Care Center Christmas Party. In those days, I enjoyed watching Santa arrive on a helicopter. At this event, I watched women studying motion sickness. NASA has certainly changed since I worked there many years ago, but I guess I’m not the same either, so we’re even.

I also enjoyed Just L’s birthday party. I never would have guessed that women enjoy being spanked or watching pole dancers, however, being my usual good-natured self, I was supportive and non-judgmental. I figured it was her birthday and she deserves to enjoy it as she selects. My favorite part of the day was the steam blow, so I guess we are all entitled to our preferences.

I also enjoyed several weddings as mentioned above. At the first, I was reunited with several college buddies whom I had not seen in years. In the second, as anticipated, we had a clear reminder of the gender ratio in Silicon Valley. Indeed, many of my women friends tell me they have a hard time making friends with women. Fortunately, fighting statistics, I know many, many women.

Finally, I competed in a singles tennis tournament, an event in which I had done well in the past, but I have not been playing much singles lately. My first opponent, who has known me for years said this was the best he had ever seen me play. Perhaps he was just rationalizing his loss to himself. I wasn’t sure I deserved all the credit. Then I had another match from which I rose from the depths of a first set loss to clawing my way to win the second and barely losing the third to the guy who ultimately won the tournament. A bunch of people said it was a very entertaining match to watch. I told them that can be taken two ways, but I’m still not sure what the other one is. Even my team’s Captain on the next court said he was watching my match instead of his own. I guess all the anti-oxidants must be paying off!

Well a young man ain't got nothing in the world these days.
--MA, 1957

I was just putting the finishing touches on the invitation for my birthday fundraiser. Since I had had a pretty good run of employment since last year, I was ramping up the matching gifts component to include two for one matching for all gifts. Unfortunately, as I was writing this invitation, I lost my job. So the 2:1 matching is pending, habeas corpus is suspended, and alternate side of the street parking rules are in effect. Stay tuned.

Thanks for playing, eh.

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Sde Boker Tov, April 2007

2007-04-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

This land is your land, this land is my land
--WG, 1956

I just returned from my hamesh trip to Israel. One more and I get a T-shirt! Actually, I got one on this trip and the previous one, so I’ll have to think of a different reward. This trip was affiliated with the Ben Gurion Society, the group with which I visited Argentina and Brazil a few years ago. The current trip was designed to follow in the footsteps of its namesake, Israel’s first Prime Minister. It was a fascinating journey. Follow me as I lead you through it.

המינפ בבלב דוע לכ ,הימוה ידוהי שפנ המידק חרזמ יתאפלו היפוצ ןויצל ןיע ,ונתוקת הדבא אל דוע ,םיפלאת ונש תב הווקתה ונצראב ישפוח םע תויהל .םילשוריו ןויצ ץרא	Kol ’od balevav P’nimah Nefesh Yehudi homiyah Ulfa’atey mizrakh kadimah ’Ayin letziyon tzofiyah ’Od lo avdah tikvatenu Hatikvah bat shnot alpayim Lihyot ’am khofshi be’artzenu Eretz tziyon veyerushalayim	As long as in the heart, within, A Jewish soul still yearns, And towards the end of the East An eye still watches toward Zion, Our hope is not yet lost, The hope of two thousand years, To be a free nation in our own land, The land of Zion and Jerusalem.
--NHI, 1878

The day before I left, I heard a woman speaking Hebrew while I was visiting the doctor. When she finished, I told her I was going to Israel the next day. She asked me if I spoke any Hebrew. I replied, “ben-zonah,” but she did not seem impressed. I guess she had not seen Revenge of the Nerds.

Each of the other national trips I joined featured a large contingent of people from the San Francisco team. On this trip, I was the only one. While I knew that I would meet many great people and make lots of new friends, I was disappointed that I would not have local friends with whom to share memories after I returned as I still do with previous trips. I was also anxious about intercepting the team en route as I had no information about who else was going and there was some confusion about the status of my plane ticket.

Nevertheless, like the HAL 9000 computer, I still had the utmost confidence in the Mission and I embarked on the first of two back-to-back redeyes so I could spend some time with my folks in NY. Dad collected me at JFK and took me to Grandpa and Grandma’s apartment as he needed assistance removing the last items before it was sold. After that, I showered, ate, checked email and current stock market bets, delivered some gifts that I brought for him and Mom, and returned to JFK early enough to guarantee myself a berth on the JFK-TLV shuttle.

I got to the airport so early that El Al was not yet ready for me--most people aren’t--so I began reconnaissance to find others who might be on my trip. I finally met a guy who coincidentally was living in Buenos Aires when I visited and we started getting to know each other.

After check-in, Mom, Dad, and I cruised the shops and had a few drinks. In the bar, we noticed a bunch of soldiers who were having their last drinks before shipping out to Iraq. The night before I left, my Tennis Club friends were concerned about my safety in Israel. I was not too concerned and I felt much safer than those who were Baghdad bound. I also noticed an intriguing user interface about which I’d read and previously seen in Schipol Airport last summer.

There is so much uncertainty in travel that I’m never confident that I’m really going until my seat is in the plane’s seat. Once I accomplish this, I can relax as the responsibilities are now someone else’s. I was, however, disappointed that none of the people on my trip were seated near me. The travel agent obviously knows who we are, yet on this and every previous trip that I’ve taken, the agent dispersed us around the plane. Haven’t Jews had enough dispersion issues over the years? Since much of my motivation for attending these trips is meeting people, this separation does not serve me well. I’ve heard people complaining about this travel agent for years, but I guess they have an exclusive non-competitive contract.

When I finally reached Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv, I was relieved and encouraged to start meeting my travel companions. We sped off to Jerusalem to stay at the hotel that is the favorite of President Clinton. Indeed every hotel of the trip was at or near the top of some magazine’s best hotels list. Unlike the hotel I enjoyed in Budapest last summer, none of them claimed that they were the third best hotel in Europe right behind Paris Hilton--an excellent location many have enjoyed, but they had their charms.

My roommate and I woke up early the first day and went shul shopping. Since he works in Manhattan, he was comfortable jay walking and did not glue me to street corners waiting for lights to change as many friends at home do. We began with the Great Synagogue, sailed over to the Italian Conegliano Synagogue, and completed our hat trick at Kol Haneshima. The Conegliano Synagogue was my favorite and I enjoyed reading about Abramo, Isacco, and Giacobbe. One leader took care of us and asked me something that sounded like “Tutto passo?” Sensing his meaning from context, I replied, “ça va bien, grazie.” I guess I guessed correctly. Recognizing talent, he honored me with an aliyah. Grazie for coming up!

Later that day at the Old City, our guide explained that Suleiman the Magnificent had the walls built a few centuries ago. In the rhetorical pedagogy that would proceed to punctuate her pronouncements she asked us why he was called the “Magnificent.” “You’ll have to ask the ladies,” I replied. “Right,” she confirmed, “he was very handsome.” This got us off to a swell start and I was pleased that she answered all of my questions correctly too. Sababa m’od! We then visited the Western Wall and tunnels, where I found a great spot for Mom’s prayer, before heading back to the hotel.

That evening, we were on our own for dinner so some of us trolled Ben Yehuda Street, a popular shopping area. I was glad to see that one of my favorite stores was still there as I remembered taking DD there to buy slingshots two years ago. Then, since it was St. Patrick’s Day, I went to an Irish pub and watched Celtic women perform on large screen TVs. I don’t like to miss a holiday.

The next day we visited Yad Vashem, one of a handful of sites that I’ve seen on every trip to Israel. The newest building had opened right before my previous visit, but I did not get to see it all then so I was glad to have another opportunity. Our guide made a point of indicating that two of the monuments there were the same as ones I saw in the Warsaw Ghetto in 2005. We also saw a monument in honor of Janusz Korczak, whose orphanage I visited in Poland.

Every human being, my dear, must thus be viewed according to what it is good for, for none of us, no not one, is perfect; and were we to love none who had imperfections, this world would be a desert for our love.
--TJ, 1790

The trip was designed to follow in the footsteps of David Ben Gurion, the first Prime Minister of Israel. He was likened to George Washington, but for me, Thomas Jefferson was a better comparison. Like Jefferson, he had a key role in creating the philosophy behind a new nation, he read and owned a tremendous number of books, and he wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Determine never to be idle...It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
--TJ, 1790

Technically, all of the adventures up until this point were enjoyed only by the Pre-Mission participants. We were like the away team providing early reconnaissance. After a few days of activities, we picked up several dozen more people and motored off to the Atlit detainee camp. This place was pretty spooky for me. Since the British used it to detain illegal immigrants to Palestine, it had box cars, guard towers, barbed wire, and clothes washers similar to those I saw at Auschwitz and Majdanek two years ago. Indeed, many people who were interned here also did time at concentration camps. Fortunately, to cleanse the palate, we saw a delightful show performed by young girls while enjoying the first of many tremendous meals.

Parts of these trips are designed to show us all the good work that our donations support. On this trip I enjoyed these visits more than I had on previous trips. I enjoyed entertaining the ladies at a day care center, watching kids perform and making friends and arts at the JAFI Absorption Center in Carmiel, and biking around town in search of raging clues with the Ethiopians in Gedera. Of course, I’ve always been a fan of hands on activities.

On our way down south, we took a break to ride donkeys. Always interested in increasing my linguistic cunning, I asked the guide how to say, “nice ass,” in Hebrew. I no longer remember what she said, but her expression will remain etched in my mind a bit longer. We took turns driving and riding the donkeys. Upon observing my technique, one woman remarked that I was a good ass rider. This struck me as something that has additional entendres in other realms. I get the same feeling when I’m playing mixed doubles and my partners say things like, “good hands”, “nice touch”, “great follow through”, and “excellent position”. I can’t wait to learn what some of these other meanings might be.

Later that evening we enjoyed thermal mineral baths at Hammat Gader Recreation Park. These reminded me of the ones I enjoyed in Budapest last summer only I preferred the scenery here.

If an expert says it can't be done, get another expert.
--DG

One of the highlights and main attractions of the trip for me was the opportunity to camp out in a Bedouin village in the Negev Desert for two days. Upon arrival, we were welcomed by camels, which gave us rides to camp. I enjoyed sharing a tent with dozens of women and passing through the lounge on the way to breakfast. It reminded me of college. I’m kidding, Mom; I didn’t eat breakfast in college. We also had a great meal and party at which Bedouin Butter-churn Boy taught me how to play his instrument.

After leaving the Bedouin village, we headed north to visit Ben-Gurion's cabin. On the way, we had a few stops. One of our more challenging hands on activities was participating in Israel Defense Force Officer’s training. We had several physical training and other exercises and also learned to eat like soldiers.

On several of my other trips, I noticed that the women in the group took pictures of themselves with male soldiers. I didn’t think that was quite fair, so I resolved to even things out this trip. Consequently, I gave several woman soldiers the opportunity to be featured in a picture with me. When I learned that one of them studied aerospace at Technion, I dropped the name of a Technion professor with whom I periodically worked at NASA. She knew him too; small world.

The highlight of our visit to Ben-Gurion’s home at Kibbutz Sde Boker was seeing the seminal film, Days of our llamas. It portrayed a small group of people buiding a community in the middle of the desert as Ben-Gurion had done. It also had a back story of a love triangle. In one scene, the woman was holding and petting a llama. A love interest thought that was a good idea and began petting also. Before you could say, “alpaca spooning,” his hand found hers and it was later for the llama! We learned from the tour guide that no one had enjoyed this movie as much as we had further demonstrating the talent of our group. Makom rishon! When we hit Tel Aviv, I tried to find the movie in the video store and the movie theater, but neither one had it so you have to go to Sde Boker to see it as I did.

The machers on the trip asked me about my involvement back home. I told them that I served on a variety of Boards for many years but that I had passed the yad to a new generation. They seemed pleased.

While visiting Independence Hall again, it occurred to me that Israel had a national anthem, Hatikvah, before they had a nation. I found that pretty intriguing since the Star Spangled Banner was not written until 1814 and did not become the United States’ national anthem until 1931. I guess baseball games were preceded by several minutes of silence until then. I wonder what was played when the US won medals at the Olympics.

At the Nativ Center we learned about immigrant IDF soldiers who are not quite Jewish studying to get over the bar. It was a fascinating place and lunch in their cafeteria was delightful.

A number of celebrities including Ben-Gurion’s grandson, the fifth Israeli President Yitzhak Navon, and a former Chief Rabbi of Tel Aviv spoke to us during our trek. Most interesting to me, however, was Rona Ramon, the widow of Ilan Ramon, the Israeli astronaut who perished in the Columbia accident. Knowing my background, people were encouraging me to speak with her after she finished. Of course, I did not need their encouragement. I told Ms. Ramon that I spent a long time in the space program, and that as a founding sponsor of the Challenger Center, which was created after the Challenger accident, I was eager to get involved with whatever organization that she mentioned she would create. She gratefully accepted my card and promised to keep me informed.

We had one last wonderful meal before heading to the airport. At Ben-Gurion airport on the way home, I recognized a woman from my BGS trip to Argentina a few years ago. She was returning from Africa with some Ethiopians. I quietly wondered how many Customs allowed her.

This land was made for you and me
--WG, 1956

With eight meals and snacks per day, the trip was like a cruise without the BINGO. With all the food I ate while I was away, I was concerned about who was going to feed me after I returned. Fortunately, the Club Adam Breakfast Lady told me that she missed me and was eager to resume care. I assured her that I took care of myself while I was away; every day I loaded up with lots of Omega-3 fatty acids and chicas caliente at breakfast. Several seders and business dinners maintained the stuffing momentum after my return.

With a nine hour time difference that would have been ten if the US had not sprung ahead prematurely, I was getting up so early that I was able to workout, enjoy a sunrise mikvah in the Club Adam hot tub, and bike to work all before almost anyone else showed their face. I don't think this will last much longer.

The following week, I was happy to celebrate Passover with my favorite lesbian comic rabbi, who embodies several of my favorite types of people. On the second night of Pesach, I gave N-man’s Daddy the only present I bought in Israel. I continue to appreciate my favorite little guy N-Man dragging his Daddy over to Club Adam to ensure that the baddies do not breach security while I am away.

Fortunately, my job was still waiting for me when I returned. For those loyal readers who like to keep score, the stock has rocketed up a whopping 80% in the 5 short months that they’ve employed me. Unfortunately, a rapid rise like this typically correlates with the loss of my job immediately followed by a precipitous drop in the share price. I promise to keep you posted!

I’ve already started planning my annual birthday fundraiser. Rumor has it that my folks may attend and that My Favorite Girl Niece might bring her parents. Start your engines and checkbooks. Stay tuned for further information.

In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles.
--DG, 1956

Note to my new travel chaverim: As some of you know, I am writing a book about my travels, travails, travailler, and other (mis)adventures, and this is but the latest chapter. Since I did not get to know all of you as well as I would have liked, and presumably vice versa, I imagine you might not have an ongoing interest in these. Rest assured that I have no concern whatsoever if even though you admire the fact that I have a 100 mph serve, got close to being selected as an astronaut, and je ne suis pas seulement une autre jolie visage, you think that my writing blows. Since we all get too much email related to making some body parts bigger, other body parts smaller, and helping to spirit money out of Nigeria, I will not spam you any further unless you explicitly opt-in.

اًركش (šúkran) for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider sending a generous donation to the American Joint Distribution Committee. If you didn’t like what you read above, then please make a generous donation to the Jewish Agency for Israel as well.

Find more to read in the Table of Contents

How to Make a Small Fortune on Severance Pay

2006-12-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I asked Grandma how to make a small fortune in the stock market. She correctly replied, “Start with a large fortune.” People think that severance pay provides a jackpot of cash. Well, as someone who has been severed more than most, I can say that it has rarely amounted to much for me. Several female attorneys and human resources directors I consulted explained to me that while technically I have the same rights as women and minorities, in wrongful termination suits, courts and employers are biased against me. Judges and juries are less likely to rule in favor of white males than other groups. Consequently, companies don’t pay us as much hush money as they pay the other groups. Another victory for affirmative action.

Goes to show you don’t ever know
Watch each card you play
and play it slow
Wait until your deal come round
--RH, 1972

My most recent job hunt was one of the most fast and furious in recent years. My phone had been ringing off the hook for over a year and so once I became available, and I was at home instead of at work, the headhunters got me instead of my answering machine. I had so much interviewing activity that I had two job offers inside of a month—a new land speed record! I was about to accept the one from a startup company when I received an offer I could not refuse to consult for a company whose name most readers would recognize. I took the job with the well-known alternative at the eleventh hour. This turned out to be unfortunate as they flaked out on me and I was up a job search without a paddle. Fortunately, within another month, I had more offers.

This was just the tip of the iceberg regarding poor behavior. A number of headhunters and other pursuers were unresponsive, undependable, late, and otherwise flaky. Some of these people have behaved this way with me a number of times over the years, and therefore have never matched me with a job. Fortunately, on the employment front, there are enough responsible and talented people that the flakes don’t impede my progress too much and it is fine that those who snoozed losed [sic]. If only this were true on other fronts as many of us in the Bay Area routinely experience these behaviors with people.

Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
Dizzy with eternity
Paint it with a skin of sky, brush in some clouds and sea
Call it home for you and me
A peaceful place, or so it looks from space
A closer look reveals the human race
Full of hope, full of grace, is the human face
But afraid we may lay our home to waste
--JPB, 1987

During my employment respite, AuntieBellum came out to visit and investigate how engineers find jobs in Silicon Valley. We had a great time visiting and looking for dangerous things at the beach. I also took her to the Visitor’s Center at NASA and showed her exhibits of the Space Station’s Centrifuge Facility Project, for which I was the human factors engineer, and the AX-5 spacesuit, for which I was a safety diver in the Neutral Buoyancy Test Facility. The spacecraft flight simulator and virtual reality lab were too big to display in the museum. Ah, the good old days.

After Auntie left, I focused on the end game of my job search. I accepted a job and began working the next day breaking both the company’s records for time between offer and acceptance, and time between acceptance and start. The company, my fourteenth job in the thirteen years since I left NASA, broke records in my book too as they had both a computer and name plate for me by the time I arrived less than 24 hours later. Coincidentally, one of my first activities at my new job was the same as one of my last activities at NASA: a Halloween party.

As usual, I hit the ground running. By the end of the first week, I discovered where leftover food lands after meetings, and I scored a cool mug and water bottle. By the end of the second week, I scored a T-shirt, a nice pen, a mug, and a portfolio. By the end of the third week, people were praising my work and I rode my bike to work. Then I took a break for Thanksgiving. After six weeks, the stock was up over 20%. As usual, the stock market and I are marching to the same drummer. (On a related note, the brain drain followed me out of all recent work places. Of particular note is the one out of an internet company, whose name all readers would recognize. Not only did virtually every other remaining senior person follow me out the door, but the stock is down close to 30% since I left twelve months ago.)

I began to complete the form for business cards and my boss told me that he felt it was important for me to have “Engineer” in my title as it would carry caché. I wanted to be sure to include “User Experience” and “Design”, as those terms were important to me. I thought Senior User Experience Design Engineer would accommodate both of our requirements and cleverly translate to SUEDE. My boss protested because Principal is higher than Senior and said I deserved the higher rank. So I’m PUEDE instead. I’m sure PETA is relieved.

Faring thee well now
Let your life proceed by its own designs
Nothing to tell now
Let the words be yours, I’m done with mine
--JPB, 1972

I was eager to return to work after my break, but it meant leaving my home routine behind. Since they have oatmeal at work, I am having breakfast there rather than at home so I had not seen the Club Adam Breakfast Lady for a few weeks. I bumped into her over one weekend and she said she missed me and kept wondering, “where’s that caliente guy!” It’s nice to be missed. My friends at Fidelity are similarly disappointed I’m no longer entertaining them, but they’re glad I’m replacing the deposits of my unemployment checks with deposits of my employment checks.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the dump saying, “Closed on Thanksgiving.” And we had never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn’t find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we decided to throw our’s [sic] down.
--AG, 1966

Before leaving for Thanksgiving, I called a meeting with my boss. I had not seen much of him since I began working and I was anxious about providing some promised deliverables by the end of the year. He reassured me by saying that all he wanted from me was to build relationships with others in the company and that I had already not only done that but I had received praise from some of them. He convinced me that I should enjoy myself and not work during my vacation. I’m amazed that once again, in just a short amount of time, I’ve accomplished what was expected to take several times longer. I don’t think I’m too humble to wonder how this can possibly be the case, but it’s harder to believe that my standards are so much higher than everyone else’s.

Walk in the sunshine, watch for the bright sun,
Be all those things you’re able to be.
--JPB, 1972

Hours after arriving in Florida on a redeye, I took Mom and Dad to a Bob Weir and Ratdog concert. Since neither Dad nor The Grateful Dead have worked in Albany in years, I figured it was time for a reunion. Just in case my folks weren’t prepared, I brought extra accoutrements: ear plugs and tie dyes. The organizers told us that the concert was going to start an hour early, so we arrived early accordingly. However, they didn’t actually start until shortly after the originally scheduled start time. Once again, I’m burned by following directions, but I don’t know how to behave otherwise. Mom was cold and tired by this point, but still managed to tough it out for a few songs. Notably, each of the first few songs my folks heard could have been heard from my room as a child. I guess my folks were less impressed with the coincidence and nostalgia than I was and so they bid me good night.

As they were leaving, I thought I heard Mom mumble something about it smelling like the art teacher’s office. I didn’t smell anything like finger paint or wax, but I’ve often remarked that Mom smells better than the rest of us, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Also, I know that as a teacher for many years, Mom was well aware of how art teachers prepare for class and so she must be onto something. After they left, I went up to the stage, where I heard a great show and met some people affiliated with the band.

Some folks trust to reason, others trust to might
...
Some folks look for answers, others look for fights
--JPB, 1972

For other fun in Florida, I enjoyed swimming as I was looking forward to trying out my new mask and fins. One day, I almost swam into a manatee. We acknowledged each other and then went our separate ways.

Also, when Dad heard that both of my tennis teams made the Playoffs, he insisted that we go to the courts a few times so that I would stay in shape. For cross training, Dad took me for walks on the beach. This reminded me of how he would take me to NYC during school vacations to get me out of Mom’s hair.

Lastly, I was impressed at the pace of things in Florida. Some drive fast; others drive slowly. Most walk slowly and they like to have dinner at 5:30 to save time for other things they like to do quickly.

I can go anyway (way I choose)
I can live anyhow (win or lose)
I can go anywhere (for something new)
Anyway, anyhow, anywhere I choose
--PT & RD, 1965

Only a few days after returning home from Florida, I went to Toronto on business to visit our office there. Right after I arrived, I learned that The Who were playing that night and it occurred to me that the last time I went to Toronto was to see The Who. I missed seeing them in San Jose, Florida, and now Toronto this tour. I guess we’ll have to wait until next time.

Later that evening, I found an urgent email to call my boss. Since it was too late to call, I merely went to bed anxious, wondering if I would have a job the following day. Just in case, I began thinking about things I could do in Toronto until my flight home a few days later. The next day I learned that there was a reorganization back home, and I was the only one in the group who survived. For once, I have Survivor Syndrome. Of course, nothing is forever. If it were, I wouldn’t have to write another chapter! Until then...

спасибо (spasibo) for playing.

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No Cash, Just Czechs, September 2006

2006-09-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

I held my annual birthday fundraiser a week early this year so that I would have more time to recover before my Eastern European adventure. Dozens of people enjoyed themselves with the guest age range spanning four months to four score. Many regulars and a bunch of newcomers attended, but unfortunately, some regulars could not make it. As usual, I had my hands full entertaining my guests, who seemed to enjoy themselves. Also, I continued to be honored that my friends gave money to charity in memory of Grandpa and Grandma.

My Summer Vacation

A part, a large part, of travelling [sic] is an engagement of the ego v. the world.... The world is hydra headed, as old as the rocks and as changing as the sea, enmeshed inextricably in its ways. The ego wants to arrive at places safely and on time.
--SB, 1990

In early Spring, Goose decided that he needed a vacation from the dozens of emails that I send to him every day. I was intrigued by his proposed itinerary of Prague, Vienna, and Budapest, particularly since it is Mozart's 250^th birthday and Freud's 150^th birthday. He demonstrated his ability to keep up with me when we visited Boston last year so I expressed interest in the trip. I had never had a sherpa with me on a trip who would contribute so much work and prove as useful as I knew he would. Also, Goose often says, “It's good to try out new material on the road,” and since I'm often looking for new material, I figured this was a good fit.

I began researching the trip by reading travel books and studying the history of the region. I watched The Third Man, and The Night Porter, which were both set in post-WWII Vienna, and I read autobiographies of women who were incarcerated at Theresienstadt (Terezin). Triumph of hope: from Theresienstadt and Auschwitz to Israel by Ruth Elias described a woman's experiences in the two camps. Particularly gruesome was her description of Josef Mengele ordering her breasts to be taped so that he could learn how long her newborn child could survive without food in Auschwitz. Ultimately, she killed her own baby to deprive Mengele of the pleasure. R. Gabriele S. Silten described her adventures and survival in Theresienstadt until its liberation in Between Two Worlds: Autobiography of a Child Survivor of the Holocaust. One of the things that she described was the shows that they produced in the camp; I learned that some of the survivors recently had a reunion concert. Still moved by my visit to Auschwitz last year, I wanted to visit another camp.

People were eager to wish us Bon Voyage and assist with our trip. Son of Good Sister suggested that we visit a heurige outside Vienna and take the hydrofoil from Vienna to Budapest. We would not have discovered these on our own and they both turned out to be wins for Team Top Gun. The Good Sister would have been proud!

When translating one must proceed up to the intranslatable; only then one becomes aware of the foreign nation and the foreign tongue.
--JWVG, circa 1800

Since Czech, German, and Hungarian are languages with which I have almost no experience, I was hungry for some linguistic assistance. Surprisingly, 5S, taught me that “Szép fenék” means “nice ass” in Hungarian. Apparently, she had forgotten what a great memory I have and she instantly regretted her offering.

A tennis buddy taught me the German equivalent, “Schöner hintern.”

“Oh, like 'danke schön',” I asked.
“Yes, and if you play your cards right, that will be the response you'll get,” he confirmed.

I bumped into KB at a tennis tournament and I asked her to help me with my pronunciation of “danke schön hintern.” Long a loyal reader and dedicated athletic supporter, she was eager to assist me.

“What are you trying to say,” she wondered.
“Thanks for the nice ass,” I replied.
“Oh, then you need to add 'er' to ' schön' as 'ass' is masculine,” she instructed.
“Not in my book,” I protested.
“What?” she inquired.
“Well, if the 'ass' is masculine, then I'm on the wrong side of the block,” I explained.

She also offered me some alternatives, but since she is married, I did not bother to note her preference. Our conversation encouraged her to research and email the Czech version, “pøíjemný osel,” to me. Since I never did get the pronunciation, we had to resort to written awards while we were in Prague. Mom was very proud of my new knowledge as she noted that I've long been appreciative and complimentary.

The virtue of the camera is not the power it has to transform the photographer into an artist, but the impulse it gives him to keep on looking.
--BA, 1951

This is the first trip I've taken without a film camera. I borrowed Goose's old digital camera and while he fired the Camera of Record, I shot with Stardate Supplemental. Like most comparisons in life, there are both pros and cons of using a digital camera compared with a film camera. For the pros, it was nice to review pictures at meals or at the end of the day to relive experiences in more or less real time. Also, since the capacity of the memory disks is much greater than any roll of film, the logistics of data collection was easier. However, largely due to software with poor user interfaces, organizing hundreds of pictures from multiple sources was extremely time consuming. Anyone know a talented user experience architect? (More on this later.)

I managed to prepare a highlights reel before I could tackle the complete job of organizing hundreds of pictures from two sources. One of the reasons that there are so many pictures is that Goose is a fan of French Impressionism, as I am. He consequently took pictures of statues with every type of lighting and this added considerably to the total number. I was happy to receive favorable praise for the highlights reel. However, R-Man registered his disappointment that women's behinds ruined the views in some of our pictures.

Following is my travel log of the best that Prague, Vienna, and Budapest have to offer. Enjoy!

Prague

Woman, or more precisely put, perhaps, marriage, is the representative of life with which you are meant to come to terms.
--FK, 1918

We began our trip to Prague by exploring the synagogues and related Jewish sites in Josefov, the Jewish section of town. I was impressed with the tremendous collection of Jewish artifacts displayed in the Maisel and Spanish Synagogues and wondered how they all survived the War. Then I remembered that they were saved with Hitler's blessings as he was interested in building a museum to a dead race. The Pinkas Synagogue displayed the names of 77,297 Jewish Czech victims of the Holocaust. We saw the old Jewish cemetery featuring graves from the 15^th century. It is the oldest Jewish cemetery in Europe and it was overcrowded with graves 12 deep in places because Jews were not allowed to be buried outside the Ghetto. The Klausova Synagogue had a wonderful display of the Jewish calendar as represented by holidays on the first floor while the second floor featured life events as one walked around the room. I was also eager to be on the trail of the Golem, precursor to Frankenstein and other creatures made from lifelessness. According to legend, its ashes are in the attic of the Old-New Synagogue (Staronová Synagoga), Europe's oldest active synagogue.

Czech is quite a bit different from English and other languages with which I am familiar. Some signs had diacriticals that we don't see back home and some signs were easier to understand than others. Nevertheless, we did not have any serious language problems here or elsewhere. Money still definitely serves as a universal translator.

We visited the castle and while we didn't find any dragons or moats, we did learn about the cool political technique called defenestration. We also saw the changing of the guard. On our way down Golden Lane from the castle, we passed by Kafka's house. Later, before returning to our side of Charles Bridge, we visited a wall in remembrance of John Lennon that reminded me of the wall I saw in front of Abbey Road studios in London.

One of the highlights of our entire trip was seeing Don Giovanni in the Estates Theater, where it premiered hundreds of years ago. I really enjoyed the opera and understood most of it except for the part where Don melted like the Wicked Witch at the end.

As mentioned earlier, I was looking forward to visiting Theresienstadt. Goose researched a few travel agencies that could take us there, however, with more independent travel under my belt, I was confident that we would have more flexibility and time there by getting ourselves there and back. I did, however, arrange for a guided tour of the camp. On the public bus we took to the fortress, we discovered others with the same destination. As with other Jewish sites we visited, Theresienstadt had enough appeal that non-Jewish tourists visited it. Even though many of the prisoners died from the horrible conditions, Terezin was not an extermination camp. It did, however, feature bunks similar to ones that I saw last year at Auschwitz and Majdanek. In the theater at Theresienstadt, we saw excerpts of the propaganda film the Nazis made that showed how they scammed the Red Cross into thinking that the Jews were treated well there.

Another highlight of the trip for me was visiting Mozart's house at Bertramka, where we enjoyed a concert in Mozart's living room. We saw another konzerte in period costume later in the week when we saw the Wiener Mozart Orchester at one of Vienna's best venues, the Musikverein. I enjoyed seeing people in period costume so much that I wanted to see how I would look in that version of sartorial splendor.

We also enjoyed the irony of seeing a McDonald's and a casino near the Communism Museum. Quite a juxtaposition having these buildings near others that have not changed for hundreds of years.

The climax of our trip to Prague occurred with a serendipitous discovery of a museum that was not mentioned in any of the books that we perused. One of the joys of traveling is the act of discovery and I certainly discovered things here that I had never seen before. Like other museums we saw during our trip, there were exhibits that were amusing, inspiring, thought provoking, and scary as they related to history, art, and technology. We researched the US patents after we returned home.

Vienna

Made a lightning trip to Vienna
Eating chocolate cake in a bag
--JWOL, 1969

When we arrived in Vienna, I deputized Goose to guard the bags as I conducted recon to find an ATM and a taxi to our hotel. I finally found the ATM, but things did not look good. A guy was walking away from the ATM empty handed and told me that the ATM was “nicht.” I try to learn new words wherever I go and I took that to mean “broken.” Dispensing with yet another male stereotype, I asked someone where I could find an ATM that wasn't nicht. Mission accomplished and we made it to our hotel on a very sweet street near the Opera House in record time.

The room was very nice, but unfortunately the shower was not working well. En route to the excellent hotel breakfast, I told the nice woman at the desk that our shower was nicht. Goose frequently praises my linguistic talents and I wanted to give him another opportunity to do so. The following day, the desk lady inquired about our shower. I told her that it was still “eine kleine nicht.” I must have impressed her with my language skills; they managed to de-nicht our shower just in time for our departure a few days later.

The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?”
--SF, circa 1920

At the Sisi Museum, we learned that Empress Sisi had a 20 inch waist. We had a difficult time imagining it, but it sounded like a good idea, so we played along.

While I am usually a very agreeable dining companion since I enjoy so many types of food, I had a challenging time eating in Vienna because many of the menus featured pork and veal and these are two of the very few items not on my diet. Wanting to get something I enjoy in my mouth, I asked the desk clerk if he could help me find Hooters. After consulting his computer, he replied, “Hooters no more in central Vienna.” As an alternative, we dined at a Chinese restaurant and I amused myself with the irony of using Chinese food as a means to avoid eating pork.

I was, however, disappointed to not find Wiener Hooters as I wanted to learn whether the term was best described as a mixed metaphor, Catch-22, cognitive dissonance, iambic pentameter, or an oxymoron. After clicking my heels together, I realized that I had had the answer all along. In Prague, I learned that DW was correct. Wiener Hooters is best characterized as stage directions. I guess this means that I'll have to let DW beat me in Singles once again.

We enjoyed touring the Schönbrunn Palace and learned that it was good to be Emperor. We also toured a house that Mozart used several times in Vienna. It is located near what was formerly a Jewish section of town and several synagogues and I imagine that Amadeus was very popular on the Bar Mitzvah circuit.

One of the things I was looking to find on the trip was Absinthe. It is a drink enjoyed by Van Gogh and other artsy types, but it is controversial and has questionable legality in the States. I managed to find it in a few stores in Prague, but I wanted to enjoy it in a restaurant or bar as I read that the preparation was crucial. Always looking out for me, Goose noticed it on the dinner menu before one of our Mozart concerts. I enjoyed the drink and its preparation, but for better or worse, I didn't see Mozart in the sky with diamonds.

We toured the Vienna Opera House, where the home team claim You Can't Always Get What You Want while they are adding Another Brick in the Wall. I especially enjoyed sitting in the Emperor's chair in the Royal Box. This reminded me of when I had my butt in Evita's chair at the Colon Theater in Buenos Aires. I enjoy being close to other royal asses.

We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic
--VM, 1970

After seeing everything but Freud's house in Vienna, we got up early to take a hydrofoil to Budapest. I had not taken a ship for transportation since I enjoyed a Caribbean cruise several years ago. I enjoy the water and boats and was looking forward to seeing sights that the train ride would not afford. I enjoyed humming the Blue Danube Waltz for several hours, and we passed through several locks on our voyage to Budapest. I was not sure why they wanted to raise the water on one side of the locks since flood control did not seem to be an issue, but I did not let it keep me up nights.

Budapest

Saint Stephen with a rose
In and out of the garden he goes
Country garden in the wind and the rain
Wherever he goes the people all complain
--RH, 1969

We stayed in excellent hotels in both Prague and Vienna. However, we were really looking forward to our Budapest hotel as it was rated the third best hotel in Europe, right behind Paris Hilton—an excellent location enjoyed by many.

At dinner our first night, I asked our waiter how to say “thank you” in Hungarian; he taught me “köszönöm.” We enjoyed our dinner so much that I wanted to give the waiter a present.

“I have one for you,” I said.
“OK, what do you have?” he asked.
“Szép fenék,” I replied.
“You mean for the girls?” he wondered.
“With any luck,” I assured him.

On our first full day in Budapest, we visited the Dohány Street Synagogue or Great Synagogue (Dohány utcai Zsinagóga/Nagy Zsinagóga), where Franz Liszt once played the organ. It's the second largest synagogue in the world, right behind New York's Temple Emanu-El—an excellent location enjoyed by many. The Nazis used it as a concentration camp and Adolf Eichman had an office upstairs. At the synagogue, we saw the memorial tree built above the mass graves of Hungarian Jewish martyrs.

Later in the week, we explored more of the Jewish ghetto, where we saw monuments to people who saved Jews during the Holocaust. In 1910, 23% of the city was Jewish; now the population is under 5%. However, we saw indications that there are Jews are returning to the area.

While heading up to the castle, we stumbled upon an air show on the Danube. Later, we explored Fisherman's Bastion. Finally, we learned what the guide books promised: Hungarians love Goose.

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
--PS, 1966

We passed through Schipol airport on the way home. While Goose went in search of brownies and other preparations for our final leg, I went to view the remote outpost of the Rijksmuseum that I remembered from my last visit. I was glad that I went as it featured an exhibit on Rembrandt. It is his 400^th birthday and I don't like to miss a party. We survived the heightened security searching for shampoo, and made it back to SFO after a very long day.

It's good to have the both of you back
--JWOL, 1969

When we returned, our friends were very eager to learn about our trip, hear stories of our adventures, and otherwise be entertained by us. It's nice to be missed. Fortunately, there were many opportunities to get together and debrief. Even the Club Adam breakfast lady missed me and said that people had been asking about my whereabouts. I'm eager to resume my morning Spanish lessons.

you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
--JWOL, 1969

I returned to work the day after I returned to the States only to the learn that many of my colleagues lost their jobs the previous week. Adding insult to injury, I lost my job as well. I guess they were saving the best for last. Always thinking positively, I continue to be grateful that my employers remove me from their payrolls before my options vest to prevent my losing money on their stock. For example, the stock of the company right before this one is down 40% in the eight months since I left. My employment status continues to be a valuable stock market indicator.

Fortunately, my phone has been ringing off the hook for a year. Now that I'm not at work during the day, the headhunters are less likely to get my home answering machine and less likely to get me at my work number, where they have been calling with surprising and disturbing frequency. I must say that I enjoy the refreshing novelty of being on the favorable side of the supply/demand curve and appreciate interacting with people who return messages promptly and reliably.

While the interviewing is fun, but tiring, I do not like the negotiation stage: another in a long list of female stereotypes that I exhibit. Fortunately, I'm already in the end game of negotiations with a few players and one of the Bay Area's best user experience architects may have a new job by the time you read this. I haven't had such a fast turnaround since I came back after being down a set and a half in a tournament a few years ago.

Thanks for reading to the end. Let me know if you want to see more pix as there are way too many to include here.

Děkuji, danke, and köszönöm for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider a donation to the Israel Emergency Campaign to assist people with transportation away from danger, furnishing ill-equipped shelters, purchasing protective gear for rescue workers, and providing other essentials for residents.

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Adam's Birthday Fundraiser July 2006

2006-07-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Invite

Now She Belongs to the Ages

2006-05-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

One of my oldest memories of Grandma was watching her type without looking at the keys. I thought it was pretty cool that she could type while turning her head to talk to me. I imagine that she might have been working on one of the causes in which she believed.

One of Grandma’s causes was the anti-war movement and she used to march on Washington. In fact, when Eric was considering getting married at the Lincoln Memorial and was concerned with the logistics related to obtaining chairs, I encouraged him by saying that he need not bother. We could stand and Grandma could get her old spot back.

Related to her activist activities, when people observed me drinking lots of water, I would remark that “I gotta get rid of those free radicals like Grandma and Abbie Hoffman.” I once described this to the Grands in one of our weekly telecons.

“Grandma is not a free radical,” Grandpa claimed.
“She’s not free?” I queried.
“I’m not a radical!” Grandma protested.

I never understood why this bothered her as I was proud that she sung background vocals for Pete Seeger.

Grandma was one of the most selfless people I have ever met. Even though she often told me that “health is the most important thing,”she refrained from buying some of her expensive meds preferring to save the money for our inheritance. I told her that we could manage and encouraged her to enjoy the benefits of her drugs, but I think that my efforts were in vain.

I remember visiting the Grands in Florida when I was in Atlanta on business. It took a surprising amount of effort to get there from just a state away. I had to get up very early in the morning, take a few cabs, a plane, a train... I think a camel may have been involved. I finally arrive, and Grandma has to feed me. “Not this time, Grandma, I need to get some sleep.” I went to bed, mostly for effect, and arose a few hours later. “OK, Grandma. Now!” Grandma launched into lunch service and we enjoyed our meal. We just about get everything all cleaned up when Grandma notices, “Oh look, it's time for dinner,” and out everything comes.

For several years, one of the highlights of my week was calling Grandma as I was doing my laundry. Grandma told me that she appreciated that I saved the best part, the folding stage, for her. In recent months, however, the calls got shorter as Grandma appeared to lack the energy for a sustained conversation. The calls were so short, in fact, that unfolded laundry sat around my room much of the time as I neglected to complete the folding stage without Grandma’s company.

OK Grandma. The laundry is done. Thanks for helping me trap the last wayward sock. Grandpa is waiting for a shuffleboard rematch. Good bye. I love you.

A dank for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider a donation to the United Nations Association of the United States of America (UNA-USA), an organization for which Grandma served as president.

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Are User Experienced, March 2006

2006-03-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

Are You Experienced?
Ah! Have you ever been experienced?
Well, I have
--JH, 1967

Those who know me from my space program days know how much my professional and personal lives were entwined back then. I lived and breathed space. Working in the space program was not only challenging, engaging, and fun, but it unified my personal and professional sense and sensibility in health, the environment, and other arenas. I still have many memories and memorabilia, and art and artifacts from those days.

I've often thought how my professional and personal lives are still entwined in many ways as I am designing user interfaces and user experiences. That is, I personally tend to mold myself around others' needs and capabilities the way that I similarly design products around users. In interpersonal relationships, I am the “product”.

We can't change others; we can change only ourselves. What can we do to improve and enhance our experiences and relationships with others? How does this relate to designing software and other products around users? How much of the following do you see in others or yourself?

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well you might find
You get what you need.
--MJ, 1969

Design involves compromise. I need to work with Engineering, Marketing and others to realize my designs. Sometimes a design with somewhat reduced usability takes significantly less time to develop, and so it is chosen over a more usable design. Sometimes usability needs to be sacrificed for business or other considerations. Usability does not always win.

How about you? Do you always need to get your way? How often do you indulge other people's preferences? How often do you compromise?

You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?
--DB, CF & TW,1977

How good are your error messages? When I design user interfaces I try to guide users down a path that will help them to accomplish their goals and prevent them from doing things that they should not do. If I need to provide a message in case they do something that may not be in their best interest, I make it short, simple, and to the point. Additionally, I note not only what is wrong, but I provide information that describes how they can fix the situation.

How well do you do this? If someone extends an invitation to go to dinner, a movie, or play tennis, and it is not quite appropriate for you, do you ignore the offer, do you merely say, “No,” or do you provide alternative suggestions? How much would communication be improved if instead of merely ignoring the invitation you said something like, “I had Indian food last night, can we have Chinese food instead?” How about, “I can't play tennis at 9, how about 10?” Finally, “I already saw that movie. How about this one instead?” Think about how this communication style might improve things for you and your friends.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
--JG, 1992

In designing products, it is important to design for the particular user community. One technique is to use the user's words, not the designer's. It is also important to understand the user's needs. When I design products for technical people, I focus on productivity and use the technical jargon with which they are familiar. When I design consumer products, I make the product more engaging and use vocabulary that is understandable by a wider community.

How well do you speak to people the way that they desire? Do you use crude language when you know your audience does not like it? Do you interrupt people when you know that it bothers them? Do you speak 12th grade words to a child? Do you talk about sports when you know that they are not interested?

Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up AND THAT'S AN INVITATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up TO MAKE A RESERVATION, roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away,
Waiting to take you away.
--JWOL, JPMcC, 1967

When I design user interfaces, I take pride in the fact that users do not need to read user manuals to use the products. The products match the users' mental models based on their prior experiences. The products are consistent, dependable and not shrouded in mystery.

Can you say the same for yourself and your behavior? Are you consistent, dependable and reliable? Dependability and reliability are two key ingredients to a good user experience. They both relate to predictability and enable users to form expectations about performance and behavior. How dependable and reliable are you with your friends? Do you follow through with your promises? Do you know the difference between talking and doing? Do you call when you say you will call?

And there’s no reply at all.
There’s no reply at all.
I get the feeling you’re trying to tell me;
Is there something that I should know?
What excuse are you trying to sell me?
Should I be reading stop or go, I don’t know.
TB, PC, & MR, 1981

Users need to be kept abreast of a product's progress. So when operations take longer than one second, I provide a progress meter so users will know when they can expect a response. How does this apply to personal situations? If someone invites you to join them at a concert or elsewhere, how long do you take to reply? Do you consider that tickets may sell out if you don't reply quickly? Do you inform the inviter by when you can reply to determine if that meets with their approval?

Let me know if you see any value in these comments and suggestions.

Après moi le déluge.
--LXV, circa 1774

People keep asking me about my experience that the stock price and other aspects related to my former employers go downhill after my departure. Well, the brain drain continues at my last place d'emploi. Several other senior people left since my departure and the stock is down 12% in 3 months. Regarding the employer before that, not only is the stock down 25% in 15 months, but analysts say it is overvalued and the company continues to have losses. Conversely, the stock of my current employer is up 4%, which is pretty good considering I've been there less than ten weeks making the annualized gain double the long term average of the market.

A headhunter recently told me that my resume appears very frequently when he conducts searches for related positions and that's why I get so many contacts from potential employers. I hope that I won't need their services soon, but it's good to know that I'll have opportunities should I need them. It's also good to know that there are plenty of stocks in which to invest beyond those of my former employers. Thanks for asking; stay tuned.

Grazie for playing.

If you enjoyed reading this missive, please consider a donation to the The Tech Museum of Innovation.

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Contractual Obligation

2005-12-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

Abraham saddled his ass.
--Genesis 22:3

Shortly after celebrating our nation's freedom in Boston, I sacrificed my own freedom by starting a new job. I was offered this job after the shortest interview I had ever experienced. They were so eager for me to begin improving their user experiences and interfaces that they brought me on as a contractor instead of as an employee as this was a quicker route. I don't typically work as a contractor because I work quickly; if I am paid by the hour, then I won't get paid as much for the same work. Nevertheless, I was excited about the opportunity and I was eager to start my job as the company featured a large usability team with a finely tuned division of labor. I anticipated learning a lot in this position.

Upon arrival, I scored a desk conveniently located near both the escape exit and a large conference room that periodically features leftover food. Other sources of food include bagels on Wednesdays as well as a great cafeteria that prides itself on providing healthy, environmentally-conscious food. The cafeteria is not even the only healthy eating option. Every building features a nursing room.

You dudes stay here with the ass; I'm taking the boy for a walk.
--Genesis 22:5 (Modern translation by AB, 2004)

As usually happens when I begin to work for a company, the company's stock rises dramatically. This company's stock was no exception. It rocketed up 35% in six months. Similarly, the stock typically drops after I leave. Lest readers think that mass quantities of lycopene and lutein have sucked humility in addition to free radicals out of my body, rest assured that I realize that the causality is not as presented. Rather, companies hire me (and others in my profession) when they are doing well and feel that they can afford me. On the other side of the curve, usability professionals find themselves outside early when the wagons are circled. So the stock price follows my employment only because my employment similarly follows the company's (projected) success.

Further supporting my conclusions are the facts that my recent employers have had consistent quarterly losses since I left, and their stocks have not recovered from my departures. Now that I left this company, prepare for a precipitous stock drop. The analysts seem to agree with me. The last three analyst changes for this company are downgrades as compared with the two upgrades right after I joined. My employment transitions may have a greater correlation to the stock market than other predictors like the league that wins the Super Bowl, or the party that wins the Presidency.

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And when I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?
--Hillel circa 25 BCE

Management at this company liked my work so much that they doubled the length of my contract. Indeed, I have never been so widely complimented as I was at this job. Product managers told me that they preferred to work with me than with other UI designers. Colleagues repeatedly told me that they were thrilled with how quickly I delivered work to them. In one instance, my boss praised me for what I delivered on one project especially considering that I had had only a week and one-half to work on it. Recognizing that I had spent only five hours on the project over that 60-hour period, I was really surprised at his accolade. I know that I'm efficient, and work quickly, but I could not imagine that I am a factor of 12 better than even the worst performer.

On another occasion, someone described some work that he would like me to do for him. After the discussion, I estimated that it would take me about an hour to do the work. Since I had already done my hour's work that day, and it was already mid afternoon, I asked him by when he would need the results, hoping that the next day would be sufficient. He told me that any time over the next few weeks would be sufficient. I amused myself with the thought that I would easily be able to squeeze an hour's worth of work into the next few weeks! This company provided me with the highest ratios of accolades and money per unit of work than any other place that I've ever been.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
--JHM

While at work, I kept remembering that my college prepared me to drink from a fire hose. Extending the metaphor to my job, I imagined that I had been chugging from a teaspoon and finishing the supply before my thirst was quenched. Being a conscientious worker, I tried on a number of occasions to get a larger amount of work and work of more significance. These efforts were largely in vain, however, as they've been at other places. Since I am not a vain person, I figured that I should save my windmill exploits for miniature golf and leave the more Quixotic pursuits for Cervantes.

In apparent contradiction of the above, at one point I noticed that management assigned me to more high priority projects than my colleagues. When I asked why I had twice as many of these projects than the next highest person, I was told that it was an endorsement of my talents. The manager continued by saying that they would not trust the young designers who are right out school with the important projects that they were assigning to me instead. I guess they hire inexperienced people for the permanent positions and bring me on as a contractor to conquer the high-priority projects for which the youngins lack sufficient experience.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
--JHM

I enjoyed meeting many of the people at work. I noticed that not only were most of my colleagues young, but almost all of the large number of women were either Asian or Indian. I guess they didn't read the memo allegedly sent to women telling them to avoid high-paying technology jobs. I feel privileged and grateful to know so many women, who, like myself, defy gender stereotypes.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
--SS, 1956-7

When I asked why so many people had recently quit, management told me that the company pays poorly, and with the stock at a low, people were not being compensated for a low salary as well as they were previously. Talented people were leaving for better paying jobs elsewhere. Presumably, I was enlisted to pick up the pieces since there was now work that was beyond the capabilities of the remaining junior employees. Indeed, all of the senior designers listed on the organization chart that they gave to me when I started had left by the time I was there for only a brief period of time.

This sounds logical and cogent. However, most of the work that management assigned to me could have been done by a talented high school student. Since it has been many years since I was a talented high school student, the job did not feel like the best fit for my current interests and skills. By analogy, I was painting by number rather than creating original works. Neither the challenge nor the quantity were sufficient.

I finished my work so quickly that much of the time I had no work to do. That left me ample time to research the many topics of interest to me and to otherwise manage my empire. The frequent periods of work-free time also gave me plenty of opportunities to pursue a gig that would allow me to work harder.

You make me feel like a natural woman
--GC, CK & JW, 1971

Ever since I began working for this company, my phone was ringing off the hook with other opportunities. This either means that the job market is hungry for my talents, or the headhunters are telling the truth when they say how much they enjoy my answering machine message. For either case, I was grateful and appreciative. Maybe it is just the case that good things follow happy people.

Since I completed my work so quickly, I had a lot of time free for interviews. On a related note, since so many people were impressed with the quality of my work and the speed with which I delivered it, I was able to reload my supply of professional references. That was a major benefit. I have had so many jobs over the years that my references are exhausted and tired of making up great things to say about me. Between the new supply of professional references willing to say good things about me, and a large new portfolio of quality work, I was well-equipped to pursue other opportunities.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
--MK

Going back a few months, my annual birthday fundraiser was another winner. It featured the usual wide diversity of guests with ages ranging from sub-zero to over 80. My party was extra special this year as my parents made a guest appearance. They enjoyed meeting my friends, and vice versa.

We set another record in the fundraising department too. This was largely thanks to the matching gifts efforts of my generous charity cartel. On behalf of all of the beneficiary recipients, I thank you all. Since I own clothes I've never worn, CDs I've never played, and food I've never eaten, I'm grateful that those who are more needy are benefiting from my friends' largess.

I was at an Alice Cooper thing where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.
--ASK & MB 1977

I enjoyed seeing the Rolling Stones in concert recently. Since I had seen them several times previously, I was not eager either to spend a bundle on good seats or to sit in seats very far from the stage. Consequently, I went by SBC Park shortly before show time to check out the scalper situation and watch capitalism in action. I've lost money on concert tickets before when people bailed at the last minute; I was hoping to make back some of that money.

I knew that once the show started, all of the scalper's products would be worthless. So I waited. Ultimately, I offered a guy $50 for a $65 ticket and ended up sitting in a $200 seat. I figured that this was preferable to spending several thousand dollars on a ticket whose face value was $450. I also figure that this makes up for my near miss in the Netherlands a few years ago and is one of the benefits to giving up shellfish.

A lot of people make fun of the Stones because they are older than most rockers, but they are out there getting it done and they put on a great show. Sir Mick is in better shape than most people I know; Keith deftly balances the act at the other end of the spectrum! The Stones travel with a massive set that requires corporate sponsorship to maintain and transport. It is well worth it as it provides a tremendous display of sound and light. In fact, the show is such a spectacle that it is like Vegas without the gay tigers.

After that it got pretty late. And we both hadda go, but it was great seeing Annie again, right? I realized what a terrific person she was and-and how much fun it was just knowing her and I-I thought of that old joke, you know, this-this-this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how how I feet about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and ... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
--ASK & MB 1977

Both of my tennis teams recently made the League Playoffs, as is customary. I like to say that my teams tend to make the Playoffs despite my contributions, but my teammates are more appreciative of my abilities. They compliment my smooth strokes, my serve, my follow through, my gentle touch, and my tender heart. Nevertheless, I figure that I'm like the Ringo of my tennis teams. I may not be the best performer, but my teammates keep me around for my comedy and A Hard Day's Night's-worth of clever malapropisms. I'm already crafting new material for next season. Watch your lines! And mine!

Shukriya for playing.

Thank you Miss Rosa, you are the spark,
You started our freedom movement
Thank you Sister Rosa Parks.
--DJ, CM, CN, CN Jr., JN, 1989

In honor of the 50^th anniversary of Rosa Park's refusal to sacrifice her bus seat in Montgomery, please consider a donation to the Rosa L Parks Scholarship Foundation.

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Let Independence Be

2005-09-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged.
--JWOL & JPMc, 1970

All previous chapters were written and published in chronological order. This chapter, however, is following the previous chapter even though its events occurred earlier in the same way that Abbey Road followed Let it Be. Phil Spector was not involved.

Once there was a way to get back homeward,
Once there was a way, to get back home.
--JL, JPMc, 1969

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to return to Boston, my favorite radio station rises to the task to send me there. In late June, I won tickets from my favorite radio station to see a concert in Boston. People often tease me for entering contests. Well, who’s laughing now?

Since the radio station needed to know the name of my traveling partner very quickly, many potential companions were instantly eliminated. I thought that Goose would be a good choice since I like to have my 3 and 9 covered when flying, and I knew my wingman was up to the task. We easily created an itinerary for two days in Boston. Since the Label Lady made a “bank error in our favor,” we had an extra day in Boston than they intended. We put the extra day to good use as outlined below.

Coincidentally, the night before I left, the Dean of my college spoke to my local alumni club in Mountain View. While shaking my hand he claimed, “I remember you.” As I usually do in those situations, I reflexively replied, “I never touched her!” The Dean laughed, but the humor was lost on me.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
--KK and FF, 1969

In preparation for the flight, I packed a giant bag of broccoli and other anti-oxidants. I offered some to Goose, but he declined. I guess he is anti-anti-oxidant. Or pro free radical. Two hours later, my sleep on the plane was disturbed by the sound of him biting the heads off of animal crackers while watching the Smurfs. He clearly was saving his appetite for his preferred snacks. I promised to not alert PETA.

I was more excited about visiting Boston than in seeing the concert as Boston is a fun city crawling with personal memories as well as American history. Also, I had not been back to my college campus for many years. Parts of the campus were positively glamorous. The new athletic center was dazzling. The new Frank Gehry-designed building was sparkling. Even the older buildings in the Aero/Astro department had more than air conditioning and a new coat of paint applied. The Dean said that top schools needed to provide more than quality education to attract the top students; I saw how this effort was realized.

It was also good to see that some things had not changed. I was elated to discover that Strobe Alley was still in place with its famous Water Piddler. Also, my dorm still featured pictures of me in the hallway and the Desk Girl asked me to autograph one. There were many other sites I was eager to revisit. I showed Goose the Chinese restaurant where I first had Peking Ravioli, the Japanese restaurant where I first had sushi, and the dorm where I first had... oh, never mind.

One of the highlights of the visit to my alma mater was visiting Mama P, who had previously nursed me back to health after a lab accident. Years ago, I awarded her the Best Curves Award for being a test subject in one of my first usability tests and we are both still proud of the awards that that effort earned us. It was good to see her still doing well and keeping watch over things.

The student population at my college changed as dramatically as the physical plant did since I left. When I attended college, we struggled to find enough women to field a solitaire team. Now the number of women is so high that even the previously all-male dorm has women residents. Additionally, no sooner had we stepped inside Lobby 7 did we discover Goose’s favorite thing: girls cuddling. I never saw that when I was a student there.

At the MIT museum, we learned that MIT did not bill Ellen Swallow, its first woman student, for tuition. This was neither because she received a scholarship, nor because she was being enticed the way that bars provide “Ladies drink free” nights. The freebie was provided in case MIT changed its mind it would not have to refund any money. We found some other great exhibits in the MIT Museum. There was a wonderful display of my good buddy Doc Edgerton’s work. We found a great historical exhibit of robotics work performed at school, but disappointingly, they did not feature any of the work from my old lab. They featured a picture of the Grateful Dead playing on the Student Center steps in the early 1970s in one of only a handful of pictures illustrating student life. Since it was uncaptioned, I knew what it was only because I was aware of the show and I recognized the band and the venue.

Enlighten the people, generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like spirits at the dawn of day.
--TJ

I have always felt that Boston was a great walking city and I was eager to stroll along some of my favorite paths. Even though we took the T more times in just a few days than I took it in any other year, we walked so much that Goose molted off a few feathers. In sympathy, I let him stop for ice cream, fudge, drugs, Animal Crackers, and other snacks whenever possible. I also tried to score him a ride with the girls in the Kissmobile, but my efforts were in vain—as usual.

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution,
Take a bow for the new revolution,
Smile and grin at the change all around
--PT, 1971

One score and several years ago, in my first class, on my first day of college, the professor gave the class the assignment to walk the Freedom Trail. During six years of living in Cambridge, I never quite walked the entire path. All these years later, I finally finished the last little bit by walking across the bridge to Bunker Hill and back. I now feel as if I have legitimately earned my Bachelor's degree!

I really enjoyed the visit to Bunker Hill, where we saw people celebrating their freedom and liberty. We wondered why they were all women. Maybe this is related to the fact that the Freedom and Liberty statues at the US Capitol are women.

I am woman, hear me roar,
In numbers too big to ignore,
...
If I have to, I can do anything,
I am strong (strong),
I am invincible (invincible),
I am woman.
--HR & RB, 1972

At Bunker Hill, Ranger Girl told us that the soldiers would rather die in battle than be nagged by their wives for getting maimed. She elaborated by saying that since the soldiers' wives would have no use for them if they could not work as a result of the loss of a limb, the soldiers built the redoubts to be only as high as their shoulders. This way, they would protect their limbs, but leave their heads exposed, indicating their preference of death to nagging. I was amazed and disturbed that the Ranger, having only a limited amount of time to describe events to us felt that this anecdote was worth its opportunity cost. This reminded me of an American history lecture I attended earlier in the year, where I was similarly disturbed. There, the woman instructor taught us a few troubling (to me) items such as how a certain group of women in the early 20th century considered marriage to be a contract whereby they exchanged sex for financial support and social status. I was amazed that having less than an hour to cover hundreds of years of history the instructor choose to include this and related information in her class. Ranger Girl implied that women over a century earlier felt similar to their more modern brethren. I guess things have changed since then, though. More recently, Gloria Steinem asserts, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."

This further reminds me of a User Interface Design course that I took a few years ago. The woman instructor, a leader in the field, presented a problematic scenario to us for which we would design a product to alleviate. The scenario is as follows: a woman is making dinner and realizes that she forgot an essential ingredient so she sends her husband to the store to get it. The husband returns with an item that satisfies his wife's description. However, since her description was ambiguous, he inadvertently returns with the wrong item and the wife wigs out. As the female instructor summarized, we needed to design a product to account for the tendency(?) that women have to provide ambiguous instructions. I wondered why the instructor could not produce a less sexist scenario to which we could all relate. Couldn't we design a product that facilitated the recording of TV shows, improved access to one's music collection, made one's bed automatically? Similarly, wouldn't most of us like a product that enabled us to avoid traffic, TV commercials, and other unwanted things? Alternatively, don't many people have trouble programming VCRs, cell phones, sprinkler systems, and alarm clocks? Wouldn't improving these products' user interfaces be worthwhile class exercises? How did a derogatory sexist scenario win out over a plethora of other options?

Even more years earlier, I attended a lecture by another renowned woman user interface designer. She was a leader in designing toys for girls, as her research told her that most toys in stores were for boys. Her research also told her that girls liked keeping secrets and spreading gossip, so the quick reflex games and construction sets that boys enjoy were not desired by girls. A number of the class's attendees questioned the value and wisdom of reinforcing these sexist stereotypes. If it truly is society that is keeping women out of science and engineering, wouldn't girls be better off playing with chemistry and erector sets than with toys that encouraged them to keep secrets and gossip? Unless, as this woman claimed, girls/women innately prefer secrets to science.

I find it sadly ironic and disappointing that Harvard president Larry Summers can't publicly wonder if there are genetic reasons that there are few women in science and engineering without women storming out of the room, yet I have seen women make statements that are arguably much more offensive to their gender on a number of occasions without the same effect. I keep seeing women denigrate their gender and I wonder why. I also wonder whether this takes the place of the fact that women comediennes are not as self-deprecating as their male counterparts. Maybe I shouldn't wonder so much? Perhaps I should just be grateful that these women are taking advantage of an opportunity not available to men. I hope that this does not mean that the terrorists have won.

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epocha in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward for evermore.
--JA, 1776

Historically, Boston has always been a great place to celebrate Independence Day. As an American history buff, I was excited to visit the Old State House from whose balcony the Declaration of Independence was read in early July 1776. In fact, someone reads it from the same balcony on every July 4. Nearby, we discovered Boston's newest monument, the New England Holocaust Memorial. It was created by concentration camp survivors in the Boston area and it sits on the Freedom Trail. I was impressed with the number of visitors to the monument, particularly since many of them were unlikely to have had family members who suffered during the Holocaust. This monument and the exhibits describing Jews in Boston at the Old State House provided surprising bits of synchronicity with other recent travels.

Every generation needs a new revolution.
--TJ

Continuing our loop around Charlestown, we visited the Charlestown Navy Yard, where we saw the USS Constitution and learned about Powder Monkeys, Figgy pudding, and other cool things. Prior to taking the bridge back to Boston, I crashed a reception at the Colonel's house in Charleston. The soldier didn't seem to mind and we left him to his appointed rounds.

Money for nothin’ and chicks for free
--MK & S, 1985

Finally, it was time for the Mark Knopfler concert, the ticket that brought us to Beantown. Since the concert was at a new venue, and we were misled about its location, we arrived later than we had intended. Nevertheless, because I’m renowned for being early, we missed less than two minutes of the first song by the time we landed in our seats by the mixing board. Both the venue and concert were excellent and I would eagerly return with another contest victory. I had previously heard Money for Nothing performed by Clapton and Sting and I was now glad to hear it performed by its lead author. When MTV Europe honored me by opening on my birthday in 1987, they showed the Money for Nothing video first. I guess they figured that opening for business in the States on my birthday six years earlier was insufficient. I'll have to include these items in a future birthday trivia quiz.

I returned to California to celebrate Independence Day on land that was acquired from others many years after the Revolutionary War. The celebrations put me in a good mood to begin a new job. Stay tuned.

Dhanyavad for playing.

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(Memories of) the Oldest Brody

2005-08-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

My oldest memory of Grandpa was watching him flip pancakes as he was preparing breakfast when I was little. No one else ever remembered this incident, but the memory is mine and I’m keeping it.

A few years later, predating yellow “Baby on Board” medallions, Grandma would ask Grandpa to drive carefully as Eric and I were valuable passengers. Grandpa would remark that he thought that he was a valuable driver and he was not sure what to do differently. Years later, with roles reversed, I was driving Grandpa when the tires squeaked on the pavement. I said, “I think we were on two wheels back there.” Grandpa looked back at me with pride.

I remember playing shuffleboard with Grandpa in Florida. He was a shuffleboard shark and was beating me pretty soundly despite Grandma’s insistent pleas to let me win. I tried to assure Grandma that I was secure enough in my 30s to be beaten by an old man in shuffleboard. Grandpa finally gave the stick to Grandma to finish the game, but he shrewdly waited until the lead was so great that not even Grandma could possibly score enough -10s to throw the game my way.

I remember watching Grandpa swallowing a handful of pills as is customary for people of his age. “Good drugs, Grandpa?” I wondered. “Only the best,” he assured me.

I first saw Grandpa buzzing along with a walker last year. As fast as he was going, it still seemed as if the walker were slowing him down. Grandpa conceded that he used it to reassure Grandma.

Grandpa often amazed me with his knowledge of the Internet and other aspects of technology. I don’t think he ever touched a computer, but he sure seemed up on the latest and was eager to follow me on my career exploits.

One of the highlights of my week every week was calling the Grands as I was doing my laundry. On one of my calls, Grandpa picked up the phone and announced, “Good afternoon,” in a very stately voice. I replied, “You can’t fool me Grandpa; it’s only morning here. You’re always trying to trick me!” Then, as at other times, he said, “oh, you’re a wise guy, aren’t you?” Eyes sparkling, he enjoyed playing in my world--and I in his.

Another routine began with him saying, “how are you young man?” Eyes sparkling, he would fake umbrage with my reply, “I’m great. How are you Old Man?” Then he would say, “no complaints.” When I would say, “How are things going, Big Guy,” he would humbly protest that he was not that big. Of course, he was a Big Guy to me. Additionally, I would call him on his birthday every year to ask if he had broken triple digits. “Not yet,” he would reply. I am going to miss our play time.

Grandpa enjoyed playing in my world even when he was tired. He struggled to stay awake to be with me as I imagine I did decades earlier with the roles reversed. This was evident when I saw him a few months ago on my return from Israel. I noticed (and appreciated) the effort that he was making to follow the stories of my latest adventures. He was concentrating so hard that he did not notice Grandma’s hand reaching out for his. “Grandpa, Grandma wants to hold your hand. That’s a good thing when girls want to hold your hand,” I assured him. Grandpa obliged and held Grandma’s hand.

I speak of my Grands so much that friends periodically ask me for the latest stories of them. At my recent birthday party, people asked Mom and Dad for stories just in case there were any that I had neglected to relay. I’m grateful that my Grands have so many fans.

When I spoke to Grandpa on Sunday, I could still hear the sparkle in his eyes, but even with the naive optimism through which I choose to view the world, I could tell he was running low on fuel and he had to hang up before I trapped my last wayward sock. For the last time I’ll say, “Good bye, Old Man. I love you.”

Todah for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider a donation to the United Nations Association of the United States of America (UNA-USA), an organization for which Grandpa served as president.

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Adam's Most Me'tzu'yan Annual Birthday Charity Bonanza Evite, 2005

2005-07-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

Invite

No Joy in Mudville

2005-05-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

Prologue

Od yavoh shalom aleinu v'al kulam.
Salam, aleinu v'al ha'olam, salam salam

Until peace comes upon us and everyone.
Peace (in Arabic), for us and all the world, peace.

In late 2001, I took the opportunity of being in NY for Thanksgiving to tour Ground Zero. Ten weeks after 9/11, the place still smelled of evil and I guessed that the ashes gently floating down from the sky were the remains of victims incinerated in the attack. I imagined that the smell and falling ashes were similar to those in Holocaust death camps decades earlier. As I walked past the Trinity Church graveyard where Alexander Hamilton and other American revolutionaries were buried, it occurred to me that this was a modern Shot Heard 'Round the World.

Fast forward a few years. The ashes and evil smell are gone, but international activities indicate that the Shot is still echoing.

Lo yisa goy el goy cherev
Lo yilm'du od milchama.

Nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
neither shall they learn war any more.

Early in 2005, I learned of an opportunity to join a March of the Living trip to Poland for the 60^th anniversary of the liberation of the camps, and then on to Israel. I've heard of these trips in the past, but they were typically designed for high school and college students. In honor of the 60^th anniversary, this trip was made available to older adults, and I eagerly registered. I learned that 18,000 of my closest friends from 70 countries would join me on the trip. I have not been able to name 70 countries since I played Geography as a kid, and many of the world's countries have morphed names, so I was eager to learn what they were. Also, the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines Holocaust as “The genocide of European Jews and others by the Nazis during World War II .” I wanted to learn what that meant first hand.

People were asking me for this chapter even before I left home. That is the first time that I have received requests before I wrote anything. This chapter took quite a bit of effort to write and I did not land exactly where I had expected. Loyal readers will appreciate the tremendous effort it took to tell the following tales without injecting the usual doses of humor common to many of the previous chapters. I'm known for finding humor where and when others don't as some will remember from my trip to Argentina a few years back. I did not want to be finding humor in death camps, though. In preparation, I spent weeks watching depressing movies to drain the comedy from my body the same way one uses Kosher salt to drain the blood from slaughtered animals. My studying before the trip revealed that in the camps and the Warsaw ghetto, humor was an essential stress reliever, so I figured that I could make judicious use of it to cleanse the palate. I sincerely hope that I have not insulted anyone's sensitivity, sense, or sensibility with what follows.

My two most recent trips to Israel were in honor of Jerusalem's 3000^th birthday and Israel's 50^th birthday. Milestones attract me and I noted that were it not for Jews celebrating Passover for thousands of years by remembering their liberation from Egypt over a millennium earlier, that Jews would not have outlasted the Romans and others by thousands of years to later be killed by Nazis.

Preparations

Kol ha-olam kulo gesher tzar m'od
V'ha-ikar lo l'facheid k'lal

The entire world is a narrow bridge
But the main thing is not to fear.

Prior to the trip, I attended two preparatory meetings to learn more about the trip and meet my travel mates. I learned that the local contingent would consist of eight women and me. The ratio reminded me of college without the calculus, but I always rise to the challenge. When the floor was opened for questions at one of the meetings, the women asked about logistical issues such as food and clothing. I had a different concern: How were the women going to decide which one got to be my roommate?

Ultimately, I realized that eight women correspond to four pairs and that my Y chromosome made me the sole representative on the other side of the mechitsa. While I am very rugged in most situations, a snoring roommate is my kryptonite, and independent test results suggest that men are more prone to snoring than women. I had less of a fear of rooming with a woman who is all hands than of rooming with a snoring dude from Des Moines so I was anxious about the possible outcome. Fortunately, I scored one of my best roommates ever. More on him later.

Considering that I was the sole owner of a Y chromosome on the Bay Area team, I wanted to make sure that I was as prepared as I could be for my adventure. I figured that I needed to do more than read to prepare for my traveling harem, so I coupled my trip to SF to pick up my tickets with a belly dancing performance by a handful of sisters. I wanted to ensure that I was fully prepared for everything. Goose likes to live vicariously through me and often says that he's “had that dream” when I describe one of my adventures to him. Since he sleeps much more than I do, I need to work over time to stay ahead of his dreams.

We also learned that we would have armed guards with us in Poland and Israel. I haven't had this many people concerned about my whereabouts and security since I visited the women's dorm in college. In retrospect, I'm not sure how I'll be able to cross the street again without their assistance.

I also spent quite a bit of time reading and watching movies to prepare for the trip. I read Night by Elie Wiesel, Edith Bruck's Who loves you like this, Liana Millu's Smoke Over Birkenau, and other fascinating books by other Survivors describing their experiences at Auschwitz, Birkenau, Treblinka, and elsewhere. I watched Jakob the Liar, Judgment at Nuremberg, and The Longest Day and re watched movies about other wars like Apocalypse Now, Born on the Fourth of July, and The Killing Fields for good measure. I watched other relevant movies like Schindler's List and The Pianist years ago.

Additionally, I saw an excellent exhibit called “The Hidden Archive of the Warsaw Ghetto” I did not know too much about the Warsaw Ghetto, so I wanted to learn a bit before I got there. All of this information was completely new to me.

I also solicited tzedakah—try to say that 3 times fast!—to give to the needy during my visit. Giving visitors to Israel money to give to the needy assures the visitor of safe passage as well as providing other benefits, and my friends were very generous with their contributions, as usual. In Poland, I gave a donation to the Auschwitz Jewish Center. In Israel, I gave money to all who asked along Ben Yehuda Street and by the Kotel.

Finally, with only a few days before my departure, I visited a mikvah. I have been wanting to go since I toured one several years ago and I thought that this would be an appropriate time. Since I am not a usual bath taker, I figured I would take an unusual bath. I was disappointed to learn there were no formal rituals for men, only for women. Leaving me to my own devices can be a risky proposition, but I cleaned myself before, during, and after my immersion and everyone got what they wanted out of the experience.

I knew that Grandma was preparing for my trip also, but I did not know the details. I often imagine that she pays locals to feed tourists to the sharks on the other side of the island when I go scuba diving. I wondered what secret powers and schemes she would use to protect me on this trip.

All we are saying,
Is give peace a chance.
--JWOL, 1969

At T-2 weeks, I saw the musical Lennon about John Lennon. The show opened and closed with space shuttle footage to the soundtrack of Imagine, which awakened the crew every day. I remembered that Ilan Ramon, the Israeli Air Force colonel who commanded the raid on the Iraqi nuclear reactor, perished on Columbia with six others. The first scene in the show features Lennon's birth during a Nazi bombing raid of England. As those who know me well know, I continue to be intrigued by synchronicity and coincidence.

There was a lot of interest in my upcoming vacation. The press started covering our trip even before we left and we knew that we would have a news crew with us in Poland. I don't usually have news crews following me, but I was intrigued by the opportunity.

Poland

Als die Nazis die Kommunisten holten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Kommunist.
Als sie die Sozialdemokraten einsperrten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Sozialdemokrat.
Als sie die Gewerkschafter holten,
habe ich nicht protestiert;
ich war ja kein Gewerkschafter.
Als sie die Juden holten,
habe ich nicht protestiert;
ich war ja kein Jude.
Als sie mich holten,
gab es keinen mehr, der protestierte.
--MN

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I did not speak out
because I was not a communist.
When they came for the social democrats,
I did not speak out
because I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists
I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews
I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew;
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Within hours after tasting the freedom of being liberated from a bread-of-affliction diet, I boarded a plane for ORD, where I would meet the rest of the team. While waiting at the ORD gate for the rest of my new friends to arrive, the JK Squad accosted me and proclaimed, “We want to party with you in Jerusalem!” [We definitely had some fun times together and I could tell that they enjoyed their encounters with me as they often smoked afterwards.] The trip was off to a promising start, but I experienced a minor hiccup shortly afterwards.

Just as I was about to enter the gateway, a security guard pulled me out of line and asked me if I had $10,000 cash on me. Witty replies overloaded my circuits the same way landing radar data overloaded the crew on the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander. Fortunately, as with Neil and Buzz before me, clearheadedness prevailed. I ignored the distractions and accomplished my mission. We were now off to visit some of the nastiest, vile places on Earth.

On the flight from ORD to WAW, I considered how some people complain about the trials related to air travel. The seats, the food, the noise, the consequences of heightened security measures all seem to provoke negative comments in others. Recognizing that we were on our way to visit sights of unimaginable horror, I was grateful that I had the opportunity to make the trip. I wondered what the girl in the cheerleading outfit was thinking.

To remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all.
--EW

Now that we had arrived in Poland, our creep fest had begun. After landing, we were whisked off to Krakow, where we had lunch before touring our first concentration camp: Plaszow. Not too much was left of this one besides hills and a few monuments, but it was a good warm up exercise for what was to follow. We also began to get to know our traveling companions including three Bay Area Survivors.

There's something happening here,
What it is ain't exactly clear,
There's a man with a gun over there,
Telling me I got to beware.
--SS, 1966

Next, we visited the infamous Auschwitz, where, we saw the famous sign Arbeit Macht Frei. Like many who read the sign, I did not believe it. For me, it was my lack of Arbeit that gave me the Frei to join this trip. That does not flow as well as I would have liked, but I hope the point gets across. As the reader can see, the day was appropriately dreary for our visit.

The place is revolting as the reader might imagine. We saw a model of a train used to bring in prisoners, spent Zyklon B canisters, and products made with human hair, among other horrors. We began to meet Jews from around the world and got a sense of what an undertaking this March of the Living event was. We lit memorial candles by a wall where people were shot while their family members were forced to watch and we walked by gas chambers and crematoria. We also saw several torture chambers including ones for solitary confinement and another one, where four people were forced to stand and prevented from sitting. Some of us wondered why the Allies did not bomb Auschwitz and other camps, particularly since nearby targets were hit.

Auschwitz was built on the sight of a Polish military barracks and is still entirely intact. Nearby Birkenau, however, was partially disassembled by the Nazis to hide the evidence. Birkenau consisted of a giant field that is the size of many football fields in area. There are many stone barracks that are still completely intact. The wooden barracks were disassembled leaving only the chimneys remaining. No sooner had we entered the camp did Linda insist on showing us her bunk. Her eagerness reminded me of the way I used to show my parents my bunk when they visited me at summer camp. Of course, I didn't have to share my bunk with a bunch of other people and instead of describing tennis and water ski events, Linda described to us how she and the others would climb on the roof on Sundays to pick lice out of their clothes. Too creepy. Fortunately, we shared happier times also.

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.
--BD, 1965

We visited Treblinka next. Nazis completely disassembled Treblinka to hide the evidence, so we saw 18,000 stones—one for every city from which Jews were taken—arranged where the barracks, and other facilities were previously located. I read about some very amazing covert activities the prisoners performed here prior to the trip.

Later, we toured Warsaw and learned of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising. All of the Warsaw Jews were herded into an area of town that was too small for them. This was portrayed in the movie, The Pianist. In time, more and more people were squeezed in to less and less land. I was very intrigued by the stories of tunnels and covert activities inside the Ghetto just a short distance from Gestapo Headquarters. It was kind of like Hogan's heroes without Fraulein Helga. Heroically, the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto held off the Nazis for longer than the French Army preserved France. I imagine that they may have been inspired by the success with which their ancestors held the Romans—then the best army of the time—at bay at Masada for two years 2000 years earlier. Tragically, the uprising was squashed. Ultimately, over 300,000 Jews were sent from here to their death.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation,
When the winds of changes shift,
May your heart always be joyful,
And may your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
--BD, 1973

I knew that traveling with Holocaust Survivors would be priceless, but I never imagined how wonderful the experience would be. The three from the Bay Area that we had with us were delightful, wonderful, informative, and often the only ones who beat me to the bus every morning. We were all eager to tend to them and have our pictures taken with them. They were like royalty.

Helen was always eager to share her stories as she so often does in schools and elsewhere. One day at breakfast, her husband, Joe, presented me with a copy of her book, Remember the Holocaust. I was very honored not only by the gift, but that Helen preempted my autograph request with: “To Adam, who comforted us during our pilgrimage.” Priceless.

Joe was the quietest of the three, but I could tell there was something under the covers and he gave me a run for my money in the bus comic contest. Lastly, even people from other groups were eager to hear what Linda had to say. I never heard any of them complain and it is clear that their positive attitudes helped them to survive when the vast majority of others perished.

Ose shalom bimromav
Hu ya-aseh shalom aleinu
V'al kol Yisrael, v'imru amein.

May He who makes peace in the high places make peace for us and for all the people of Israel, and say Amen.

By this time, King and I were already getting along famously and we were taking care of each other very well. He was teaching me all kinds of cool things about Hebrew and estrogen—not necessarily in that order. I, in turn, awoke before his alarm every day and let him sleep until I was out of the shower and getting ready for breakfast. We also had a great time singing songs and taking care of the women. Lastly, the Royal Room was never late for a bus roll call.

Throughout the trip, I was intrigued with the contrast and perspective of events and images. For example, hours before I left home, I received an email of my friend's new yin/yang tattoo. Hours after I left home, I met Linda, who showed me the tattoo that she received at Auschwitz. Contrast and perspective.

Speak out, you got to speak out against the madness, You got to speak your mind, If you dare. --DC, 1968

Friday night, we went to Shabbat services at the only remaining synagogue in Warsaw. They had to provide an encore to accommodate all of the Marchers in town that night. A few of us went back the following morning and while sitting there, I thought of Grandpa Ben, who was born in Warsaw. He passed when I was very young, and one of my only remaining memories of him is of him taking me to services in the synagogue that Grandma Mollie founded. While sitting in services Saturday morning, I imagined Grandpa's Grandpa taking him here many years earlier.

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound,
Everybody look what's going down.
--SS, 1966

Taking a break from the horrors of the camps, we engaged in a walking tour of Warsaw. Walking around Warsaw, I wondered whether we would find any monuments honoring Copernicus, the guy who put the sun back at the center of the Solar System, where it belongs. We not only found a statue of him, we also learned that Marie Curie worked in Warsaw. As one of only two people to win a Nobel Prize in each of two different fields (Physics and Chemistry), Madame Curie has inspired generations of women, including her daughter (who also won a Nobel Prize), to pursue careers in science. We also learned that Poland is the home of people with other talents.

Since I learned French in High School, I've been able to navigate around Western Europe and elsewhere without too much difficulty. The Polish language, however, was somewhat different from anything that I had seen before and featured weird accents and things flying in and out unexpectedly. Fortunately, I found some materials for which I did not need a translator's help to understand.

Living is easy with eyes closed,
Misunderstanding all you see.
--JWOL, 1967

The hotels in Poland were the only non-Israel ones I've experienced on a Jewish trip that lacked bidets. Of course, I was disappointed. Fortunately, the accommodations in Israel really made me feel at home. The floors were dirty, the towels were threadbare, the beds were unmade, and I had to bus my own dishes.

The last meal in Poland was the worst of the trip so far, and the bar was already very low, but I was enjoying sharing my table with the three Survivors as we were good friends by now. I knew that I could not comment on the quality of the food as 60 years ago, their daily caloric intake was less than 500 calories and a blade of grass would have been a luxury. I quietly awaited better food in Israel. Contrast and perspective.

And after the wars are over,
And the body count is finally filed,
I hope that The Man discovers,
What's driving the people wild,
Military madness is killing your country,
So much sadness, between you and me,
War, War, War, War, War, War.
--GN, 1971

We had a TV news crew with us most of the time in Poland and they played several segments before I returned home. News crews seem to enjoy filming me, but somehow, I never manage to see the clips. Every once in a while, someone mentions seeing me on NOVA, but I've never seen the piece myself. Additionally, the segments filmed at NASA Headquarters and Foothill College's planetarium were filmed before the Web existed, so I cannot find them. On the trip, I was filmed in front of Schindler's factory. I'll have to tell Spielberg. The Poland segments that appeared on KGO-TV are available on the web:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/assignment7/051605_assign7_holocaust_one.html

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/assignment7/051705_assign7_holocaust_two.html

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/assignment7/051805_assign7_holocaust_three.html

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/assignment7/052005_assign7_holocaust_four.html

Two of the clips, including the one featuring me, were shown at a reception for the Survivors before I returned home. People said I appeared intelligent and erudite, but I was not impressed with either my performance or the misspelling of my name. As my tennis buddies will confirm, I continue to be my own harshest critic. At least I did not appear like just another boob. We also had some newspaper coverage. The reception received its own coverage.

Horror grips us as we watch you die,
All we can do is echo your anguished cry and,
Stare as all you human feelings die,
We are leaving,
You don't need us,
Go and take a sister by her hand,
Lead her far from this foreign land,
Somewhere where we might laugh again.
--DC, SS, and PK, 1969

Much of what we saw up to this point was designed to prepare us for a 1.5 mile March from Auschwitz to Birkenau. To get to Auschwitz, we rode a train on the same tracks that the prisoners used decades earlier. Of course, our trip was much more comfortable and pleasant. We saw people from all over the world marching. Some of the groups surprised us more than others. We created representative grave markers that we placed on the track on the way in to Birkenau.

The last camp we visited was Majdanek. Where Treblinka was completely disassembled, Majdanek was completely intact. We walked through a gas chamber and saw not only another crematorium, but the ashes that were the only remains of the more than a quarter of a million Jews that were incinerated there. The picture does not do the sight justice. Some corpses were torn apart prior to being brought to the crematorium if the Nazis suspected there to be valuables inside. One of the creepiest thing about Majdanek was that people live with it in their backyard and kids play in the field in front of the gate.

By this time, we were getting in to the on-the-bus, off-the-bus, make photo, make shopping, mayim/sherutim, back on-the-bus rhythm of touring. At some places, we did little more than stop to take pictures. Such was the case with Korczak's orphanage.

Indeed, much of the trip required a delicate balance of the yin of hurry up and wait with the yang of wait and hurry up. Another common experience on these trips is that I tend to eat twice as much as normal and work out less than half as much as normal. Fortunately, both of the visited countries operate on the metric system, so the damage to my waistline is not as great as it would have been otherwise.

By the end of our creep fest in Poland, we were ready to cleanse the palate with a visit to Israel and we began to prepare. After a very long day of touring, we hopped on a midnight flight to Israel. After arriving at a brand new terminal early in the morning, we hit the ground running. I am repeatedly amazed how an ancient country like Israel, seems to change every few minutes.

Another effect of this trip was the tremendous amount of information that the guides presented to us. At school, we used to say that the effect was like drinking from a fire hose. On our trip, the effect was similar, only sometimes it felt as if the fire hose were filled with gasoline.

Israel

Am Yisrael chai.
Od Avinu chai.

The Jewish people lives!
Our Father yet lives!

Shortly after landing in Israel, we visited Caesarea, one of the few Israeli sights on this trip that I had not previously visited. The sight features Roman ruins, including a theater, where they currently show concerts. We learned how the statues were taught to stand on one leg and I was fascinated by the engineering efforts that were used to create the harbor thousands of years ago.

Several times during our travels, I noticed a number of the women on the trip describing their experiences in journals. Ever curious, I often wondered when I would score an entry in one of the Ladies Away Journals. Fortunately, several times I was informed that something I did deserved an entry.

Wooden ships on the water very free and easy,
Easy you know the way it's supposed to be,
--DC, SS, and PK, 1969

One night in Tiberias, we had a great boat ride on the Kinneret. Years earlier, I learned the Macarena here on a much larger boat. This time was more intimate and we had a great time playing drums. I've been called a good performer before, and I can't wait to show Grandma my latest award.

Joining our bus were three guys from Virginia. One of them, who happened to be a Rabbi, taught me some cool new prayers. I was amazed at how quickly they worked.

On the trip, I was eager to visit the Dead Sea again. It had been many years since I had been there and it gets smaller every time that I visit. I am always amazed how easy it is to float there. Nearby, we visited some waterfalls. As I've always been very environmentally minded, whenever possible, I like to shower with a friend to save water.

At breakfast one day in Jerusalem, Gilligan wanted to introduce me to some of the Army girls in the dining room. While I was intrigued, I told him that I felt that 18 year old girls were scary and dangerous enough without Uzis by their waists and that I should probably keep my distance. This incident reminded me of an experience in Buenos Aires when the translator invited me to join him and his buddies at Hooters as that was where all the American girls were. I told him that American women gave me enough problems back home and that I didn't need to seek them out South of the Equator.

L'shana ha'ba'ah birushalayim hab'nuyah!

Next year in a rebuilt Jerusalem!

Near the end of our trip, we had a March in Jerusalem that was more celebratory than its counterpart in Poland. We all gathered in a staging area before ultimately landing at the Western Wall. This March clearly had a much different tone.

The survivors left Israel a bit early to attend a reception in their honor. We all enjoyed meeting them and look forward to a reunion back home. The trip was now coming to a close.

Ma tovu ohalecha Ya-akov
Mishk'notecha Yisrael

How goodly are your tents, O Jacob,
your dwelling places, O Israel.

On one of the last days of the trip, I wandered around the Old City solo to maintain my street cred. Most of the rest of the team spent the time shopping. Since everyone I know has too much, I figured that I had a bye in the shopping round and took the opportunity to explore. I had a great time admiring the stalls that have sold things like saffron, dates, spices, and related items for millennia. Amusingly, I discovered an Internet terminal sandwiched among the stalls and took the opportunity to check on my empire back home. The stall proprietors kept trying to usher me in to their shops to sell me their wares. I usually escaped by insisting that “I do not make good shopping.” One jeweler offered to sell me some items for my wife. When I told him that I did not have a wife, he generously offered, “would you like one?” Elsewhere, I admired a guy smoking a four foot hookah. When he saw me looking, he encouraged me to shop in his store. I told him I was just admiring his activity. He told me that it was only tobacco. I assured him that I was not judgmental.

With the trip coming to a close, several team members made plans to stay longer in Israel or go elsewhere. I was more eager to visit with family in NY than to stay in Israel so I boarded the bus early in the morning to David Ben Gurion Airport. On the flight from TLV to JFK, I was too sleepy to watch Life is Beautiful the first time it aired on the seat back in front of me. Fortunately, I already knew that this was the case and I know how much I love mine. Of course, those who know me well know that I don't need to follow Birkenau survivors to their bunks, light a memorial candle in front of a giant mound of ashes that are all that remain after the incineration of hundreds of thousands of people at Majdanek, or walk through the gas chambers at Auschwitz to come to this realization.

New York

Yes, how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, how many times can a man turn his head
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
--BD, 1962

Despite a very cryptic airline web site that hid the arrival times, and a flight departure that was 40 minutes early, my most me'tzu'uan Abba was able to thwart the security countermeasures and meet me at JFK. Sababa! No sooner had I declared to Customs that “I had an excellent time and I am looking forward to my next adventure” did I see Abba's smiling face welcoming me. Abba has enjoyed meeting my travel companions ever since I introduced him to the Santa Cruz gay men's volleyball team after a previous landing, so he was eager to meet some of the current players. Only three of the Bay Area women were on the flight with me. They told Abba that I took care of them well and wondered whether I got my sense of humor from him. Our visit was very short, as we all had places to go and we knew that we would remain close friends.

Throughout my trip, I was looking forward to the end game in NY, where I would make aliyah to Eretz Long Island to visit the Dome of the Grands and the Shrine of the 'Rents. I didn't want to experience the first year of my life without seeing the Grands, so I stayed in NY while others returned to SFO. I had lots of stories, humor, ahava, good vibes, and other anti-oxidants to share with the Grands and I hoped to provide nachas and other benefits.

While in NY, AuntieBellum and I visited the new DIA museum. While I liked some of the Andy Warhol works, much of the rest of what we saw looked like emperors sans clothes. A few days later, we visited the new MoMA. Since I was very limited on time, I barely had a chance to see a copy of The Starry Night that I have in my bedroom, some Waterlilies, and some people in apartments across the street fitting their windows for curtains now that they lost their privacy. I also had the great privilege of lunching with Auntie's Auntie, one of my most loyal literary supporters.

Continuing on my Roots tour, I took my most me'tzu'uan Ema to the Tenement Museum in Manhattan after a preparatory lunch in Chinatown. Ema told me that Grandpa Ben landed here after he arrived from Warsaw and he entered the garment industry like many of his neighbors. He later went on to name his belt company after me. Fresh off the plane from Israel, I was pressed in to service answering questions about the mezzuzot that we saw there for which the guide surprisingly lacked information. Ema knew the answer, of course, but she wanted to see her baby shine. To balance out our chakras, I suggested to Ema that we dine on deli before visiting the nearby Museum of Chinese in the Americas on a future visit.

After learning that my captain had me in the roster at #1 Doubles the following week, and realizing that I had not played at all for several weeks, Dad insisted that we play tennis at the park where he trained me many years earlier. We hit long enough to work up an appetite and ensure that I did not embarrass either of us when I played for the team. This must have done the trick as I played some of my best tennis after returning home and my Captain enjoyed learning of my trip.

Home

	Eili Eili Shelo yigameir l'olam, Hachol v'hayam rishrush shel hamayim, B'rak hashamyim t'filat ha-adam.	Eili, Eili I pray that these things shall never end. The sand and the sea, the rush of the waters, the crash of the heavens, the prayer of man.

Eili Eili
Shelo yigameir l'olam,
Hachol v'hayam
rishrush shel hamayim,
B'rak hashamyim
t'filat ha-adam.

Eili, Eili
I pray that these things shall never end.
The sand and the sea,
the rush of the waters,
the crash of the heavens,
the prayer of man.

On the drive from SFO to Club Adam, I met with two executive officers from my posse. I wanted to ensure that things went smoothly in my absence and they wanted to hear about my adventures. We briefly debriefed each other over Chinese food, and then made plans to meet the following night at the KFOG Kaboom.

Since I didn't get a full night's sleep in any of the three time zones in which I bedded in the previous three weeks, I was not sure which one applied after I returned home. Consequently, I awoke at 4am PDT and attended to 100 emails, 3 Lettermans, 2 Simpsons, and 2 South Parks. I also rescued two checks from several pounds of snail mail, unpacked a bit, and chilled some wine, all before Goose began stirring at 10.

Beginning Monday morning, it was clear that the headhunters smelled my return as they began circling like sharks around a scuba diver. I'm glad that they missed me so much and I made a lot of progress in my job search. With the job activities, hundreds of emails, and several pounds of snail mail, I had a hard time finding time to write this chapter. Also, since I usually get a lot of work done while daydreaming during meetings, and I'm not taking many meetings now, I have had even less time than usual.

Hinei ma tov uma na-im
Shevet achim gam yachad.

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity.

Barely two weeks after returning home, I had a reunion with some of my fellow Marchers at the annual Israel in the Gardens celebration. I had not yet seen any of them since my return. Coincidentally, the final news broadcast about our trip aired that morning as I rushed to assemble photos to give to my friends. I had a great time seeing most of the harem, including two full pairs of roommates, plus half of the JK Squad. Of the remaining three, one moved to NY and the others were AWOL. We will have to travel again soon, if for no other reason than to take more great pictures.

Epilogue

So the next time that you tease me for replying “excellent” when you ask how I'm doing, the next time you make fun of me for saying my glass is 99 44/100% full, the next time you ridicule my positive attitude, the next time you yell at your partner for double faulting at match point, the next time you complain about failing to record Letterman, just think of my new octogenarian friends. Hope and positive attitude got them through worse times than any of us can imagine. People have praised my resilience, persistence, and tenacity in my job hunts and other endeavors. However, I don't know how well I would have done on fewer than 500 calories a day, sharing a small bunk without a mattress with eight others, working dawn to dusk, using the same bowl for meals and for toilet, fearing the frequent selections, and awaiting the next death march.

Now that I have this off my plate, I need to return to my top three goals: looking for a job, looking for a wife, and looking for profitable investments. Local readers will recognize which one of these is orders of magnitude more difficult than the other two and know that I have always shot for the stars. Any help would be gratefully received. Keep those calls and emails coming!

Dziekuje and todah for playing.

Unemployment is preventing me from making charitable contributions at my usual level. I would appreciate it if you would pick up the slack and consider a donation to Yad Vahsem. Remember, I worked very hard writing this and you spent nothing to read it.

Find more to read in the Table of Contents

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Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty

2004-12-15T05:49:00.000-08:00

Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty

So many people have been asking me for another chapter that I felt obligated to oblige. I hope you enjoy the following. If you don't, remember what you paid for it.

Monday we watch Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, and we fool him. We no show up. Thursday was a double header. Nobody show up. Friday it rained all day. There was no ball game so we stayed home and we listened to it over the radio.
--BK and HR, 1933

I recently started my third new job in 12 months. One more and I get a T-shirt. It's a new land speed record, even for me. I realize that I've lapped people with jobs the way that others have lapped me with marriages. Like a Rolling Stone, I gather no moss.

This company called me right after I began my last job, but I was not ready to jump ship at that time. They told me that they had been trying to fill the position for a year and after passing over others, they finally found me. They grilled me with some of the most rigorous interviews that I had ever experienced and then they honored me with an offer.

I find the statistics in comparison with my previous job to be quite interesting. I have 20% more stock options, 25% more salary, 50% more vacation, a 75% shorter commute, and a 150% greater signing bonus. Also, after I was working for them for 6 weeks, the company's stock was up 30%, which indicates that the stock market, like local headhunters, keeps track of my whereabouts. My options for my previous employer's stock are still very much under water.

Not every comparison involves numbers. My current employer, unlike many of my previous employers, already had a team of user experience experts waiting for me. Since I was joining an existing group, I wouldn't have to keep reminding the company what it is that I do. I don't take anything for granted though. Every silver lining's got a touch of grey. All that glitters isn't gold.

Ten years ago, I quit a job because I was too young to be working that little. (I was very productive and prolific at NASA, but my subsequent job would not let me work as hard. The contrast was striking.) Now I fear that I may be too old to be working this much. I may have to begin taking double doses of Scooby-Doo vitamins just to survive! I am trying new techniques to learn how to nap better. Since the shuttle has not flown in several years and there is a big backlog of rookie astronauts, it will be a long time until I get my ride, so I need to keep busy somehow.

I bet you're a good swimmer.
--AO, 1964

A week prior to Thanksgiving, Mom called and told me to bring lots of money. I figured this could mean either one of two things. Mom found either a casino boat or a strip club featuring hot Asian chicks. "Close," Mom said. Remembering my destination, I probed, "hot Latin chicks?" She said I would have to wait until I arrived to learn if I was right. Mom was keeping her cards close to her chest.

Give her friend a hundred dollars, she came in second.
--SG, 1981

I went to Florida for Thanksgiving and I had a great time teaching my 6 month-old niece to call me Aunt Adam. The last time that I saw her, she was Negative Ion. Now she was ten times as old as then, so we had a lot to discuss.

Several times during my visit, I helped Mom shop for food. If you think about it, that could already be the end of a funny joke! One day, we went to a farmers' market to get the latest in produce. I was shocked to see ladies fighting over fruits and vegetables. I haven't seen girl-on-girl action like that since I used to enjoy watching ladies wrestle over sweaters in Filene's Basement. I had to run interference to get Mom and her tomatoes safely outside without getting squished. Mom made it clear that she appreciated my shopping assistance. Also, her dinner was superb. I got such a tryptophan buzz over Thanksgiving dinner that I felt as if I were at a Phish concert.

So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me and I say: 'Hey Lama, hey how about a little something, you know, for the effort?!' And he says: 'There'll be no money, but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that going for me, which is nice."
--BD-M, HR, DK, 1980

Goose happened to be in Florida for Thanksgiving also. That was a good thing. One should not stray too far from one's wingman. One night, we went out to dinner. After carefully considering the menu, we decided to share a handful of chicken breasts. Goose has a thing for white meat, but he had a hard time getting a second breast in his mouth. That's one of the reasons that he's still just a wingman. One breast was more than he could handle. Meanwhile, I enjoyed two. You're not dealing with a chimp here! Goose kept moaning that he needed someone to rub his tummy. Being my wingman has very few rewards, so I offered to assist him.

When the waitress returned, I asked her if she would rub Goose's tummy. She said, "OK, but it will cost you extra." Never one to miss a beat, Goose deadpans, "I've heard that before." Somehow, even without the tummy rub, Goose still had room for dessert. That's part of what makes him a good wingman.

After conquering dinner, and promising not to return to the restaurant, Goose and I left to meet RH Factor, another left coast visitor. RH has come a long way since beginning her apprenticeship at the Bridge School Benefit. She now finally "gets it" and promised to "be here all week" if we would "try the veal." I was disappointed that I missed a golden opportunity with RH's parents, particularly since Goose often reminds me it's good to try out new material on the road. Perhaps I was still delirious from the pair of breasts I enjoyed earlier in the evening.

Look at that, she just stole that tie. It's a perfect crime, girls don't wear ties.
--SG, 1981

On a related note, EB discovered that the Boca Raton Hooters was located on Butts Street. I immediately awarded the Boca Chamber of Commerce an A for usability. There's more that I can write here, but I'm trying to keep my PG rating.

Now that's what I call Marine Biology!
--RD, GF, DS, SK, WP, PT, HR, RE, 1986

After returning home, I was trying to sleep to recover from jet lag when the phone awakened me. I didn't recognize the woman's voice, so I did what I usually do in those situations: I pretended that I did. Through the fog of sleep, I heard her invite me over two nights hence promising my visit would take only 90 minutes. I started to tell her that I do not like to be rushed when she interrupted me to tell me that she would compensate me for my time with a trip to Vegas. "Oh, barter system," I thought. Ultimately, I blocked out most of the details of my visit, but at least I scored a trip to Vegas and some other treats. The remaining details are best left for my own amusement.

Rosebud.

Obrigato for playing.

If you liked what you read above, then please consider a donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation International.

Find more to read in the Table of Contents

Viewing the World Through Humor Tinted Corneas

Flat Stanley Visits Funny Uncle Adam in California

Yet Another Birthday Fundraiser--Now in HD!

Silicon Valley Survivor

Chicken Luggage

Table of Contents

MVTC Court Report

Jewish Bulletin of Northern California

Aerospace Writings

Refereed Articles

NASA Publications

Conference Publications

Other Aerospace Articles

MIT Publications

Other

Another Birthday Fund Raiser!

The Area Under the Curve

Trick or Treat or Treif?

All You Need is Cash©

I've Seen This Movie Before--Did I Call it, or What?

Sde Boker Tov, April 2007

How to Make a Small Fortune on Severance Pay

No Cash, Just Czechs, September 2006

My Summer Vacation

Prague

Vienna

Budapest

Adam's Birthday Fundraiser July 2006

Now She Belongs to the Ages

Are User Experienced, March 2006

Contractual Obligation

Let Independence Be

(Memories of) the Oldest Brody

Adam's Most Me'tzu'yan Annual Birthday Charity Bonanza Evite, 2005

No Joy in Mudville

Prologue

Preparations

Poland

Israel

New York

Home

Epilogue

Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty

Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty