Violent Acres

What, Me Vote?

fake.email.address.ha — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 18:37:30 +0000

Romney or Obama? The elections. Yard signs, headlines, commercials, blogs, propagandists and pundits. It’s impossible to avoid. I’ve been wondering why people are taking any of it seriously. Is this really ‘the most important election of our time’, except for the last one, and the one before that? Is it really my duty to vote? [...]

Modern Day Indentured Servitude v.s. VAruca Salt

fake.email.address.ha — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 01:25:50 +0000

What is the only difference between a Modern Day American Indentured Servant (MDAIS) and VAruca Salt? Simple. VAruca’s mummy and daddy didn’t have to borrow money to pay for all of VAruca’s ridiculous crap. Do you remember little VAruca Salt in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? Who sang “I Want It Now”? The one [...]

Happily Ever After?

fake.email.address.ha — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:47:15 +0000

I think I’m out of stories. All I have left are images. Bright little flashes of emotions that dance in the peripheral of my vision. They seem significant to me, but I have no context to put them in for you. I can’t explain how one smile changed me, ever so slightly, or how a [...]

How to Control Your Temper

fake.email.address.ha — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:14:45 +0000

“I used to have a really bad temper. Seriously, it was really bad.” My colleagues initially blow me off. “Yeah. Right.” “No I’m serious!” I insist, “I used to have a very short fuse. The kind of short fuse that results in screaming and fist fights; the kind of short fuse that puts people in [...]

I Am Not Your Fucking Honey.

fake.email.address.ha — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:49:45 +0000

I lost the password to my stats a long time ago, so I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads this thing. Like most monkeys, I need an audience to watch me dance. Otherwise, what’s the point? I might as well just take a nap. So, I’m going to ask you to do something I’ve [...]

How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket

fake.email.address.ha — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:55:08 +0000

Two things happen to bullies when they grow up: they either become drug dealers or they become police officers. Which field the bully ultimately goes into depends largely on whether or not his parents went to college. If Mom was a school teacher and Dad worked for an insurance company, the little wet neck weasel [...]

In Defense of my Mother

fake.email.address.ha — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 12:51:41 +0000

I had intended to write a couple of follow up articles to Childhood: Then and Now, but something terrible happened. That damn article made it to the front page of reddit and got hundreds of comments. Which, in itself, isn’t a bad thing. I just made the mistake of reading said comments. I should have [...]

Childhood: Then and Now

fake.email.address.ha — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:00:58 +0000

When I was a little kid, my parents pushed me out the front door every day. “Come back when the streetlights come on,” they said. Oftentimes, my 3 year old brother was sent out with me to tagalong. Of course, I considered this a great imposition. After all, at 5 I was way too old [...]

American Idol Contestant Sings a Song About Child Molestation

fake.email.address.ha — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 01:53:06 +0000

A couple of nights ago, I was thumbing through the channels on my TV set when, resigned and bored, I briefly settled on American Idol. A contestant, whose name I do not know because I don’t actually follow the show, was in the process of singing ‘Man in the Mirror’ by Michael Jackson. Not 10 [...]

Calling All Degenerates

fake.email.address.ha — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:06:18 +0000

I’ll admit it. Reviewing EJ was a lot of fun. In fact, I had so much fun skewering that self important little bastard, that when someone else offered me cold hard cash to review them, I couldn’t hit the ‘accept’ button quick enough. Two idiots in less than a week? Is it fucking Christmas around [...]