Viraltistic Ideas

Rule #63. Take your fucking ticket out before reaching the turnstile

2012-12-10T15:20:00.005-08:00

Rule #63. Take your fucking ticket out before reaching the turnstile.

This rule stipulates that when leaving the metro/tube you should take your fucking ticket out of your wallet so that you don't act like an asshole infront of the ticket barrier.

Note #1. If you have reached the barrier and you do not have your ticket, congratulations, you are now an asshole.

Side note to Note #1. If you are a tourist and travelling with a suitcase during rush-hour, congratulations you are a semi-asshole.

Note #2. If you have reached the barrier and are fumbling, get the fuck out of my way.

Note #3. If your ticket doesn't work twice, get the fuck out of my way.

Note #4. If you drop your ticket, you are legally obliged to get o the end of the fucking queue.

Note #5. If you are loitering around the turnstiles, I will assume that is an act of aggression towards my people.

Rule #62. Straight men should not pole dance.

2012-12-10T15:12:00.004-08:00

Rule #62. Straight men should not pole dance.

This rule stipulates that under no circumstances should a heterosexual man pole dance. Dancing near, on or around a pole will result in the reduction of one man card. The loss of the following number of man cards will lead to the following actions:

Loss #1. Shame

Loss #2. Shame

Loss #3. Shame

Loss #4. Get punched in the testicles.

Lost # 10. Testicles removed.

Rule #60. Liking your own post on FB is the equivalent to calling yourself from your mobile.

2012-12-10T15:07:00.003-08:00

Rule #60. Liking your own post on FB is the equivalent to calling yourself from your mobile.

This rule stipulates that anyone who likes their own post on Facebook should be slapped in the face with a fish. It is not only an act of idiocy, but it also enacts clause 4 of the fish slappage legislation of 2009.

Note #1. If you like your own post, then comment on it before anyone else has, that is two slaps.

Note #2. Liking one's own comment is acceptable only when you have made a very good your mom joke.

Rule #59. Sheep are not your friends.

2012-12-10T15:04:00.002-08:00

Rule #59. Sheep are not your friends.

This rule stipulates that sheep are not your friends. In fact, 4 in 5 sheep are real assholes. In Wales, sheep may sometimes be perceived as suitable lovers. Science has proven that whilst they seem like they like you, they actually have no clue what is going on.

Note #1. Black sheep are nicer than white sheep. They might be your friends

Note #2. Never approach a group of asshole sheep. They will talk behind your back and shit everywhere for fun.

Rule #61. Never insult an elephant. It never forgets.

2012-07-22T15:12:00.001-07:00

Rule #61. Never insult an elephant. It never forgets.

This rule stipulates that insulting an elephant can lead to terrible things. An elephant has perfect memory and it will gain its revenge one way or another. Elephants only prevent to not understand humans, when in fact it is fluent in over 6 different languages.

Note #1. If you have insulted an elephant, apologizing will not help. Elephants not only do not forget, it is also very stubborn and holds grudges.

Note #2. Never stare at an elephant for over 5 minutes. This is considered an act of aggression.

Note #3. Never steal from an elephant.

Rule #57. No matter which queue you choose, it will always be the one that takes more time.

2012-07-02T15:39:00.002-07:00

Rule #57. No matter which queue you choose, it will always be the one that takes more time.

This rule stipulates that by the law of queuing, no matter which queue you choose under any circumstance, it will always be the one that takes more time.

Note #1: Even if the queue you have chosen is significantly shorter, the person in front will have credit card problems and this will take on average more time than the other queue.

Note #2. The length of time spent in the longer queue is directly disproportionate to the amount of time you have to spare.

Note #3. Switching queues halfway through the process will lead to new queue taking longer than initially intended.

Note #4. British people love queuing.

Note #5. Never queue jump. Refer to Rule #14 for more details.

Rule #56. Instructions for eating chinese takeaway: Eat until full, wait 30 mins, continue eating.

2012-06-28T12:35:00.002-07:00

Rule #56. Instructions for eating chinese takeaway: Eat until full, wait 30 mins, continue eating.

This rule stipulates that when eating chinese takeaway, the ideal method is to consume until one is so full they cannot move. You may take a 30 minute break after the initial consumption break, after which you will consumer the other half.

Note #1. Chinese food is designed to be consumed in two goes. Waiting longer than 30 minutes is hazardous to your health as it will instantaneously become poisonous.

Note #2. Chinese food will make you thirsty as it is 50% MSG.

Note #3. Never put ketchup on Chinese food. This is nasty. Don't be a sicko.

Rule #55. One should never linger when feeling pregnant woman's bulge.

2012-06-24T15:17:00.001-07:00

Rule #55. One should never linger when feeling pregnant woman's bulge.

This rule stipulates that when feeling a pregnant woman's baby bulge, one should not linger for more than 2 seconds.

Note #1. The toucher must not make a circular motion as this is perverse and is frowned upon.

Note #2. If you have accidentally lingered for more than 2 seconds, do not make eye contact. Simply reverse your position and walk away without saying another word.

Note #3. Do not ask to touch the bulge bare skin.

Side clause #1. If you are yourself a pregnant woman, you may linger for over 2 seconds on another pregnant woman's bulge.

Note #4. The touching must only be done with one hand.

Rule #54. Kneeing a man in the balls is only appropriate under four conditions:

2012-06-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Rule #54. Kneeing a man in the balls is only appropriate under four conditions:

This rule stipulates that kneeing a man in the balls is only appropriate under four simple conditions.

Condition #1. He has slept with your wife/mother/grandmother

Condition #2. He is being a little bitch about everything

Condition #3. He has picked FC Barcelona during a game of FIFA

Condition #4. He has kicked you in the balls without you breach any of the above three conditions.

Rule #53. Sharing a toothbrush is the equivalent to sharing used toilet paper.

2012-06-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

Rule #53. Sharing a toothbrush is the equivalent to sharing used toilet paper.

This rule stipulates that one should never share a toothbrush. A toothbrush is designed to be used by one person only. Sharing a toothbrush should not only be frowned upon, but it should also be outlawed completely. Any sharing of toothbrush should be punished by a hunger games style deathmatch between other toothbrush sharers.

Note #1. This rule still applies where you are a sailor and there is only one toothbrush on the ship and you have not brushed your teeth in 12 months.

Note #2. This rule still applies even when you are losing your teeth, which is ironically good because now you have less to brush anyways.

Note #3. If someone you know has shared your toothbrush, the equivalent response is to shit on their pillow.

Rule #52. The phone will ring as soon as you are fully submersed in a bath.

2012-06-19T14:14:00.004-07:00

Rule #52. The phone will ring as soon as you are fully submersed in a bath.

This rule observes that as soon as your body is fully submersed in a bath of water, the phone will ring inconveniently. This is a phenomenon observed through trials and placebo trials. It was observed that when fully submersed in water, the phone is 78% more likely to ring.

Note #1. The probability of phone ringing increases with difficulty of reaching it. e.g. if the phone were right next to the bath, the phone is only 12% more likely to ring.

Note #2. Corded landlines are observed to be 99% more likely to ring when submersed in a bath.

Rule #51. In life, you only need two things. Duct tape and WD40.

2012-06-18T09:34:00.001-07:00

Rule #51. In life, you only need two things. Duct tape and WD40.

This rule observes that in life, only two items are needed: Duct tape and WD40.

Section #1. If it moves and it shouldn't - use the tape

Section #2. If it doesn't move and it should - use the WD40

Following the above two sections of the rule will lead to enhanced productivity and ability to fix things. It is also the two essential items to any toolkit.

Side note #1. This rule does not apply to fixing airplanes. You will require a real engineer for this. You may want to check the tool box of the engineer. If all he/she possesses is a roll of Duct tape and WD40, do not let him certify the plane.

Rule #50. When there are only two people in a locker room, their lockers will be adjacent.

2012-06-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

Rule #50. When there are only two people in a locker room, their lockers will be adjacent.

This rule observes that by the law of lockers and all things uncomfortable: when there are only two people in a locker room, their lockers will be adjacent. This phenomenon was discovered through multiple field studies and independent research findings. Awkwardness and silent drying of oneself is inevitable.

Side clause #1. If one of the men is homophobic, the lockers will be one on top of the other.

Rule #49. Any tool when dropped, will always roll to the least accessible corner.

2012-06-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

Rule #49. Any tool when dropped, will always roll to the least accessible corner.

This rule observes that by the law of dropping things, a tool will always roll towards the least accessible corner when dropped. This includes under shelves, down the stairs, into some sort of spiders nest or in a pile of dog shit which may or may not have incidentally been left in the corner of your room.

Note #1. Never attempt to block the roll, as this will lead to some sort of universe catastrophe.

Note #2. Never attempt to reverse the rule by slanting the floor. This is counterproductive and will lead to some sort of universe catastrophe.

Rule #48. "Occupy" can be used to make your point anything e.g. "No sex tonight? Occupy movement the bed."

2012-06-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

Rule #48. "Occupy" can be used to make your point anything e.g. "No sex tonight? Occupy movement the bed."

This rule observes that the "Occupy" sign and phrase can be used in any situation and state to get your message across to anyone. Simple shout the words "Occupy" and do not move until your way is gotten. Do not give in as it weakens the entire movement as a whole, be it a message about capitalism or, sex (the lack thereof).

Side clause #1. Do not attempt to Occupy a police station in protest of anything, as then you will kept there.

Side clause #2. Results may vary

Note #1. The use of signs will increase effectiveness of your message. Prepare signs prior to invitation to coitus will ensure you are prepared for any situation.

Note #1.5. Always bring signs with you with the words "Occupy!". This can be used in any situation.

Rule #47. The second your hands are dirty or preoccupied, your nose will be itchy.

2012-06-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Rule #47. The second your hands are dirty or preoccupied, your nose will be itchy.

This rule observes that when your hands are preoccupied or covered in filth such as semen, your nose will be unbearably itchy. In this situation you can either suffer the itch, or get semen on your face. Lose-Lose. This is interrelated to Rule #10. which states that the severity of the itch is directly proportional to the inability to reach it.

Rule #46. In a domestic argument, do not punch or slap. Throw something instead, you get more range with it.

2012-06-07T12:53:00.002-07:00

Rule #46. In a domestic argument, do not punch or slap. Throw something instead, you get more range with it.

This rule advises against punching or slapping in a domestic disagreement as it exposes you to a retaliatory attack. In a domestic argument, the best way to defend oneself is through throwing projectiles at the target. Items such as plates, bowls, mugs and glasses are all suitable items which shatter with maximum dramatic effect.

Side clause #1. Do not throw live animals or children.

Side clause #2. Do not throw knives, unless you are a circus actor and can guarantee that the target will not be damaged in a way that may prevent you from performing the next day.

Side clause #3. Do not throw the target, that is a WWF take down and is dangerous to both participants.

Side clause #3.5 Exception to side clause #3. is if both participants are WWF trained, in which throwing each other may be a way to relieve tension.

Rule #42. An umbrella can only be used as a temporary parachute under 3 specific circumstances.

2012-06-06T10:42:00.005-07:00

Rule #42. An umbrella can only be used as a temporary parachute under 3 specific circumstances.

This rule stipulates that in the event that one may need a parachute, an umbrella can be of some use. However, the usability of the umbrella is only maximized under 3 very specific circumstances. These 3 circumstances have been calculated with extreme precision with variables and stuff.

Circumstance #1. The fall is less than 5 feet.

Circumstance #2. You are already on the ground and you are lifted in the air by a strong gust of wind.

Circumstance #3. Your injury may lead to a multi-million dollar payout**

**Note: results may vary.

Rule #45. Scary movies have taught us that showering in an old house is never a good idea.

2012-06-05T09:11:00.002-07:00

Rule #45. Scary movies have taught us that showering in an old house is never a good idea.

This rule stipulates that showering in a haunted house or the old house you are residing at in a scary movie will increase likelihood of death by over 500% in the first 30 minutes of the movie. This phenomenon is also seen when showering in your own house with the door unlocked, or the windows unlocked.

Note #1. Murderers like to attack when you are naked.

Note #2. Use of a mannequin inside a shower is a very effective murderer-trap. Use the shower curtain as an enclosure for target and soap on floor for slipping the target.

Note #3. Murderers are also attracted to the sound of singing in a shower/enclosed space. Use sparingly as bait.

Rule #41. Never give a children lollipops. Only bad things can come out of it.

2012-06-03T16:41:00.002-07:00

Rule #41. Never give a kid your lollipop. Only bad things can come of it.

This rule stipulates that one should never give candy to a child due to the following reasons.

Reason #1. You will look like a pedophile.

Reason #2. They will become extremely hyper and run around in circles.

Reason #3. They may throw it on the floor and waste a good lollipop.

Reason #4. They can explode with happiness which is very annoying.

Rule #40. Always give money to the homeless. It could be jesus in disguise.

2012-06-02T01:59:00.004-07:00

Rule #40. Always give money to the homeless. It could be jesus in disguise.

This rule stipulates that giving money to the homeless does not always preclude a tramp's party time with crack cocaine. In fact, statistically speaking, a tramp could always be jesus in disguise. This disguise may be donned as a test to human kind. Positive karma can also be increased through charity to tramps.

Note #1. Tramps want money, don't give them food. Do not feed.

Note #2. Do not touch the tramp.

Note #3. Do not talk to the tramp, unless they have a british accent, in which case - thats pretty funny.

Rule #44. When in a "lets split up" situation, always follow the weakest group to enhance survival odds by 100%.

2012-05-30T04:17:00.001-07:00

Rule #44. When in a "lets split up" situation, always follow the weakest group to enhance survival odds by 100%.

This rule stipulates that following the weakest group in a dangerous situation is likely to enhance survival by 100% per additional weak member. This is subject to a maximum enhancement of 500%.

Note #1. This is due to the weak-link paradox condition in which weaker members are easier to push over as bait to any dangers.

Addendum #1 to Note #1. For example in a zombie attack, the weakest link such as an old man can be pushed over as side food to the zombies.

Addendum #2 to Note #1. This rule does not apply to shark related problems, as chances are you're all fucked.

Side clause #1. This rule is superseded if the strongest member of the group is packing heat, with over 450 rounds of ammo.

Rule #43. Never hurt a man's Xbox.

2012-05-28T15:59:00.001-07:00

Rule #43. Never hurt a man's Xbox.

This rule stipulates that thou shall never harm a man's Xbox. This goes against the Bro Code, the Girlfriend Code and the General Human being code. These codes should never be broken. Detailed notes of these codes will be covered in later rules.

Note #1. One for one rule does not apply. Buying a new Xbox for the one you broke is the equivalent of buying me a broccoli because you killed my dog.

Note #2. The destroyer of Xboxes should compensate the victim at a rate of 20 USD per hour spent on any game played on that Xbox. This rate doubles on any unfinished single player release within the last 4 months.

Note #3. If the destroyer of the Xbox is a man, the victim is allowed to kick the destroyer in the ball sack three times.

Note #4. The destroyer of the Xbox shall cover the cost of any funeral proceedings.

Rule #39. Good friends bail you out of jail, best friends are there next to you saying "totally worth it".

2012-05-27T15:08:00.003-07:00

Rule #39. Good friends bail you out of jail, best friends are there next to you saying "totally worth it".

This rule stipulates that good friends will not hesitate to bail you out of jail. However, best friends will be there with you saying "totally worth it mate". This rule has been observed over three years of field trials and double blind studies.

Note #1. Best friends may or may not have been the cause of the jail.

Note #2. Best friends will also laugh in your face in times of trouble.

Note #3. Best friends will also take the last slice of pizza without hesitation

Note #4. Best friends will also walk into your house unannounced and steal your food in front of your face.

Rule #38. Admitting you farted like you're proud will instantly increase social confidence by 300%.

2012-05-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

Rule #38. Admitting you farted like a boss will instantly increase social confidence by 300%.

This rule advises that if flatulence is inevitable, admitting your action can increase social confidence by 300% instantly.

Note #1. Silent farts are seldom undetected.

Note #2. To fart like a sir, fart with a pitch corresponding to A Minor

Note #3. Never force a fart as it could lead to sharding.

Note #4. Admitting to someone else's fart does not increase any type of social confidence.

Note #5. The best way to react to a fart is "Fuck yeah, that fart was the fucking balls".